Tiny Buddha

Tag: Courage

  • Calling Out Bullies: Why You Need to Stand Up for Yourself

    Calling Out Bullies: Why You Need to Stand Up for Yourself

    “Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you overly sensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them.” ~Lori Deschene

    In Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, the main character Atticus Finch says, “I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

    What real courage is. 

    The message Atticus Finch provides is simple yet poignant and so often overlooked in our homes, communities, businesses, and society today.

    A quick search on Merriam-Webster reveals their definition of courage to be “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”

    That definition fully supports the message Atticus Finch has been sharing with readers and viewers since the early 1960s.

    However, what it doesn’t support is our society’s narrow-minded view that courage is about being tough, domineering, combative, uncompassionate, and even violent.

    These stereotypes are continuously portrayed in movies and television shows, tolerated in our workplaces, prevalent in politics, and sadly, instilled in our children.

    What real courage means to me is the ability to go against the grain—to stand up for what may not be popular, for what may even get you ostracized, for the betterment of others and yourself.

    I would say a good representation of real courage are those who make the difficult decision to speak out against the bullies on the playground, who grow up and become bullies in the workplace. Something I sadly know a few things about.

    I’ve spent much of my life battling personal insecurities. While professional help has certainly aided in my continual journey to lessen their presence, as anyone who’s struggled with insecurities very well knows, you’re never completely rid of them. You just find ways to manage through and around them.

    My insecurities—like a loyal though unwelcome companion—rendered me timid, non-confrontational, unworthy, fearful, and quiet. When compounded with the reality that I was never athletic—a stereotypical and seemingly necessary characteristic when measuring manliness in society—I was often branded as an easy target for bullies.

    My grandparents, who were always there to offer a compassionate ear without judgment, offered the following advice when I was being bullied at school: “Just walk away and they’ll leave you alone.”

    While my grandparents undoubtedly meant well, their advice didn’t build my self-esteem as much as extinguish what little I had. While their advice did in fact pause the bullying for a short duration, the cycle would continue not long after.

    As I got older, married, and matured naturally with age, my insecurities subsided in many areas, and my days of being bullied seemed like another place and time in an existence now void of such challenges.

    But it wasn’t long before I started to realize that bullies don’t just exist on the playground.

    Sadly, I’ve experienced workplace bullying throughout my career to varying degrees. Through it all, I continually adopted my grandparents’ advice to “just walk away.”

    With workplace bullies often influential and powerful in organizations, it seemed like sound advice, especially given that the ultimate purpose for Human Resources is to protect the company, not its employees.

    But all that changed recently when I volunteered to take some professional development courses on communication, in order to better interact with my peers, as I’m currently a remote employee.

    While we’re taught reading, writing, and arithmetic during our undergraduate education, we’re rarely taught the skills to be an effective communicator.

    Oftentimes what we learn comes from witnessing an exchange of dialogue between those around us—in our homes, our schools, our communities, on television and in the movies, and yes, at our places of employment.

    However, not all the traits we absorb for being an effective communicator are rational or authentic.

    The online platform I’m utilizing suggests other courses to take after completion—one of which was “Bullying in the Workplace.” At first, I was going to bypass the suggestion altogether, but thought maybe there was something I needed to read.

    As it turns out, purposely isolating someone, making it known that you refuse to work with them even though the relationship is warranted, is in fact a bullying technique often referred to as “social bullying through intimidation.”

    Society believes that bullying fits into a neat little compartment. That it has to be aggressive and physically or verbally abusive in nature in order to be branded as such.

    But the reality is that bullying takes on many forms in schools, in businesses, and even in our homes. It’s so much more than just the violent behaviors we see popularized in news headlines and on TV shows, and therefore is often dismissed as nothing more than “personality conflicts.”

    While many consider being bullied as a test of one’s courage, I personally believe the measure of one’s real courage comes after you’ve accused the attacker.

    Sadly, many organizations fail to see bullying as a legitimate complaint, and often show little compassion toward those who bring bullying to their attention. My situation was no different.

    When I finally got up enough courage to make an official accusation that this refusal to work with me was, in fact, bullying, my superiors implied I was being paranoid and overly sensitive, fabricating observations in my head, as though my feelings weren’t warranted at all.

    With the exception of my direct manager, everyone implied I was wasting the companies’ time on a complaint that I suspect they already rendered baseless before a single in-person interview was conducted.

    They never asked me how I was feeling throughout the process. They never told me how courageous it was to bring such a difficult matter to the forefront of the company’s attention in the hopes of making things better for everyone.

    I never felt the company applied empathy to my circumstance, dismissing the consensus from cited research which was meant to provide credibility to my accusation, by claiming they simply couldn’t find any evidence supporting what I was talking about.

    I wish I could say that my workplace bullying complaint was taken seriously, but it wasn’t. It was quickly swept back under the rug after it was brought to management’s attention, leaving me to question if anything positive actually came from the experience.

    Admittedly, my bullying experiences have never reached the incredible magnitude others have been forced to endure, and truthfully, they are more of a shining example of courage than I can ever proclaim myself to be. But I do understand how it feels and that connectedness helps us realize we’re not alone in our plight.

    It’s important to remember that courage doesn’t mean you emerge victorious. It doesn’t mean that the so-called winner in our competitive hierarchy has really won much of anything.

    Courage is standing up for yourself when the risks are many and the possible rewards are few.

    I now know firsthand why so many cases of bullying in the workplace go unreported—why so many wonderful people choose to remain silent and instead leave organizations they truly love rather than stand up for themselves.

    It’s because the organizations they work for have shamefully failed them during times when it mattered most.

    What’s important is that you never give up on yourself, that even when you know you’re licked before you begin, you begin anyway and keep trying to do the right thing, while holding on and moving forward.

    But I want to be clear that unburdening yourself from the suffering of bullying is what real courage is. To risk alienation and retaliation to not only benefit your own life, but the lives of others this person may bully in the future. That’s truly selfless and shows incredible bravery, which often goes unnoticed.

    Those who are bullied and choose to come forward are often blamed and demoralized rather than acknowledged and applauded. What does that say about society when we dismiss these courageous individuals while supporting and promoting the bullies of the world?

    I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. All I can say with certainty is that anyone who comes forward with a claim of bullying is a crowning example of what real courage is. They deserve our trust, compassion, praise, and support, not our judgment.

    Fred Rogers once said, “It’s not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It’s the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff.”

    I stand behind my truth, regardless of the fact that the organization has denied it. And the truth, whether believed or not, is now out there subliminally haunting the accuser and hopefully forcing necessary changes to benefit everyone in the organization.

    Be proud of your truth and firmly stand beside it. Take solace in the fact that even if others do their best to try to discredit what you’re saying and how you’re feeling, at the end of the day the truth is still the truth.

  • How I Found the Courage to Leave an Abusive Relationship

    How I Found the Courage to Leave an Abusive Relationship

    “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.” ~Unknown

    My whole life has been filled with toxic and abusive relationships, starting with extreme physical and emotional abuse from my parents, right up to the last relationship that I left in 2013. Abuse—physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal—is all I’ve ever known.

    My entire life. I knew it wasn’t normal.

    I desperately wanted to be loved, appreciated, and respected. I desperately wanted ‘normal,’ whatever that was. I longed for a fairy tale romance. I longed for happiness and peace. I just wasn’t convinced I would ever have that.

    And I feared being alone.

    Longing to Be Loved

    I spent most of my adult life giving myself freely to anyone who showed me the least bit of attention. I was in and out of unhealthy relationships, looking for love in all the wrong places. Mostly on dating sites. I was always sure the next guy was ‘the one.’ Until he wasn’t.

    My mission in life was to find someone who would love me the way I deserved to be loved and take care of me, and then we would live happily ever after.

    I sacrificed myself in unspeakable ways just to be loved.

    The problem was that I didn’t even know what real love was, or how to love myself. I had little to no respect for myself. I was looking for happiness in the form of another human being. I was sure a man would bring me eternal happiness and true love.

    It wasn’t until I left my last abusive relationship that I realized I would never find happiness and true love until I loved myself.

    My Last Toxic Relationship

    He started out as “Mr. Not So Bad,” and despite all the frantically waving red flags, I convinced myself he would be the one.

    The first year was touch and go. He lied to me and disrespected me many times, in many ways, but I ignored it. I clung on to him. He ticked off a lot of the boxes on my list. Surely, I could overlook his faults. Besides, I wasn’t perfect either.

    The verbal and emotional abuse became more frequent in our third year together. I endured that for five more years before I finally packed it all in.

    He belittled and bullied me almost on a daily basis. At the end of the day, he would apologize, and things would be better. He assured me he truly loved me, and he would improve. It gave me false hope, but hope nonetheless. I was sure things would get better.

    They never did.

    In our fifth year he took a job on a Caribbean island and left me. I was in total and complete shock. We had just bought a house, and I had just bought a hair salon. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this. Though our relationship was far from perfect, we were still doing okay-ish.

    He returned eight months later and, again, promised that we would work this out and we’d be okay. Things just got worse. He became a complete control freak, and the bullying was constant.

    Everything was always my fault. I became a “yes sir/no sir” girl. Whatever he wanted, he got. Whatever he wanted to do, we did. I no longer had any say in anything with regard to the relationship or household decisions.

    We did everything his way or no way at all.

    I became a shell of a woman clinging to the hope that things would get better. I mean, he always did apologize at the end of the day, so surely, he meant well. Surely, things had to get better. And we weren’t spring chickens anymore either. We were both on our way to fifty.

    “He’ll change,” I thought. “I know he will. I can help him with that. Show him his mean, evil ways and let him know how much they hurt. I know this will change him. He’ll get it one day.”

    That never happened either.

    I Was a Complete Failure

    By year seven I had probably already written ten “Dear John, I’m leaving you” letters that I never gave him. I couldn’t leave him. Where the hell was I supposed to go?

    By this time, I had to close my hair salon business because it was dying a slow death (much like our relationship), I had just declared bankruptcy, and I didn’t have two cents to rub together. He had purchased another home and built a small salon in it for me, but all my clients had already abandoned me.

    I was barely making any money and totally relying on him for financial security and stability.

    My life had become a complete disaster. Emotionally, financially, professionally. I had nothing left in me.

    I looked in the mirror and cried at the woman staring back at me. She was broke and broken in so many ways. The one-time bubbly, happy girl I used to know was now empty, hollow, and void of any emotion.

    I was fifty-one years old, and the thought of ending my life crossed my mind more times than I care to admit. I was nothing and had nothing. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.

    I cried all the time. I became a meek, submissive, frail woman with no hope for the future. In my eyes, I was a complete failure.

    Something had to give.

    The Beginning of the End

    It was Easter weekend, 2013. We were having a family dinner at our house. All my family. He had none close by. My family liked him enough. I was sure it was going to be a beautiful dinner filled with love and laughter.

    What started out as a day with the two of us preparing things for dinner quickly turned into the biggest fight we had ever had, with him storming out of the house before the guests arrived.

    He returned home late that night after the guests had all left. I had had enough. I couldn’t do this anymore. I spent the night in the spare bedroom and started to write yet another “Dear John” letter, but this time, I was going to deliver it to him. I was done.

    I was an emotional wreck. I knew I had to leave, but I was terrified.

    I had nothing. I had no money, no job, and no belongings except the clothes on my back, and I was a shell of a human being. What I did have was a tiny thread of hope. I asked myself a hundred times that night, “Iva, if you don’t leave now, when will you leave? How much longer can you live like this?”

    I was scared of my future. There were so many unanswered questions. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. I wasn’t’ sure I could survive on my own. I had nothing. I had officially hit rock bottom.

    Then I realized the only way out was up. It was up to me to claw my way out and fix this disaster I called my life.

    My Healing Journey

    That night I handed him the letter, we talked very briefly, and two weeks later I moved out of the house. I put all my faith and trust in the universe and found the courage to rebuild my life, first working on my self-esteem and then self-love.

    Friends came out of the woodwork to help me get back on my feet. I was able to get my old job back at a salon I had worked at for years prior to me opening my own salon. People donated items and furniture. My sister lent me money to get an apartment.

    Things all fell into place magically.

    I still do remember the fear and uncertainty I felt on a daily basis. I couldn’t believe I finally left him, yet I still didn’t trust myself to make good decisions. My entire life was the result of all the bad choices I had made.

    I didn’t know how to love or respect myself. I had no self-confidence and very little self-worth. I needed to learn what boundary lines were and start drawing them. Thick! I needed to learn what love was, self-love, and how to find happiness in me.

    I had an awful lot to learn. Unplugging fifty-one years of limiting beliefs and being told, “You’re no good, you’re worthless, you’re stupid” was going to take some time and a lot of work.

    I was literally starting at zero and working my way up.

    And I had no clue where to start. I had never felt so alone and afraid in my entire life. Everything was now up to me.

    Learning to Love Myself

    I found and read self-help eBooks online. I found personal growth and self-improvement articles. I listened to motivational podcasts and watched inspirational YouTube videos until my eyes bled. My healing journey was exhausting, frustrating, messy, and beautiful all at the same time.

    Every time doubt crossed my mind, I’d shout it out, declaring that “I am worthy, dammit!” I did this daily.

    The more I read self-help, the stronger I became. Day by day, slowly but surely, I was finally learning to love and respect myself. My self-confidence was growing beyond anything I could have imagined.

    I was stepping out of my comfort zone and making changes that scared the poop out of me but added to my growth.

    I completely reinvented my life, trading in my twenty-five-plus-year hairstyling career to become a freelance writer. I write of my healing journey, giving hope and inspiring others that they too can have the life they truly want. A life of happiness, joy, and inner peace.

    I still have growing to do. We never stop evolving. It’s just not as scary anymore, and it’s absolutely beautiful.

    Change is Up to You

    I think back on my life and wonder where I would be had I not left that toxic relationship, and I shudder. My desire to change my life became stronger than my desire to live in my comfort zone.

    Yes, it’s scary. We all want to know what the future holds for us. We all want answers to our questions. We all want to know that we’ll be okay and life will get better.

    But life won’t get better until you make the decision to make those big changes. It’s up to you to do that. Hard and scary? Yes. Impossible? Absolutely not.

    You have to ask yourself this one question: “How bad do I want it?” You have to trust that life can and will get better when you decide to take control, step boldly out of your misery and comfort zone, and have faith.

    Things might not magically fall into place right away, as they did for me, but things will improve over time if you believe in yourself and keep moving forward, one day at a time.

    The life you want is one step away. Take the step. You are worthy. You are deserving of a better life. Do it for you, babe!

  • How to Live a Life You Love (Even If Others Doubt You)

    How to Live a Life You Love (Even If Others Doubt You)

    “Not all those who wander are lost.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

    I will always remember those words.

    I had just decided to ditch my old life. Instead of pursuing a cushy career as a lawyer, I wanted to create a business as a freelance writer because it felt like a fulfilling thing to do.

    “You’ll never make it work. You’ll regret your decision,” a loved one told me.

    Those words pushed my buttons. I felt scared.

    What if I would regret it?

    Was I stupid, even delusional, for thinking there was an alternative to living a pre-planned life with a secure nine-to-five and a mortgage?

    Maybe I did think too much of myself, my abilities, and my potential? Maybe I was setting myself up for disaster?

    How to Find the Courage to Live a Life You Love

    Doubt is everywhere, isn’t it?

    People around you expect you to live your life in a certain way.

    Go to a good school, get a job that pays a comfortable salary, buy a house…

    And if you don’t? If you break the norm and live life differently? Whether that’s driving around the country in an RV, becoming a full-time yoga teacher in the Himalayas, or starting a passion project…

    Let’s put it this way. You will see a lot of raised eyebrows and hear a lot of surprised questions and doubtful side-remarks.

    I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Comments like:

    “Why would you want anything other than what you already have? Don’t be so ungrateful.”

    “There is no way that will work out.”

    “Are you sure this is the best thing to do? Wouldn’t it be better to just stick to where you are now and see how it pans out?”

    The problem with constantly being questioned by everyone around you?

    Well, let’s take me as an example. When I heard those doubtful words (and many like them), I took them to heart.

    I subconsciously started believing them and created what in psychology is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you believe something about yourself, that influences what you do and, consequently, your results.

    For example, if you internalize what others say about your choices, you won’t believe you can succeed. And that means you won’t, because you’ll never even get started.

    But here is the good news:

    You can get past all that doubt. You can find the courage you have within you to not only take a step forward but also to live life fully without looking back. Here’s how:

    1. Find positive examples around you.

    Think about someone who has succeeded at what you want to do—someone with a similar background, resources, skills, etc., or even fewer advantages.

    If they have succeeded, why couldn’t you?

    Let me tell you a secret (shh, no one else will know!):

    If someone else has done it, you likely can, too.

    I realized this early on.

    While, yes, the people around you might not understand how you can succeed, it’s enough that you do.

    This was a tool I used to stay confident and focused whenever someone told me (or hinted) that I should give up on my dream.

    I sought out and thought about people who had already made it happen.

    People who weren’t so different from me.

    If they could do it, I could, too.

    2. Send love and light to everyone around you.

    In Eat, Pray, Love, Liz Gilbert gets the following advice to get over David, her ex:

    “Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.”

    One of the biggest insights I had was that people don’t doubt us because they want to hurt us.

    No. Instead, they’re probably concerned about us.

    After all, if all their life they have only seen one thing work, it’s hard to see past anything but that way of life.

    Or maybe they’re projecting their own fears and insecurities on us.

    The thing is:

    We love security above almost anything else.

    If you defy that security, it makes you odd.

    So when they doubt you, it tells you nothing about your own abilities, but everything about their own fears and insecurities.

    However, their words can have a purpose. Maybe it’s to shatter your ego a bit so that you can come out of it stronger. Or it’s to give you a few bumps along the way so that you won’t get comfortable and take things for granted.

    Whatever it is, use the advice that helped Liz live in peace to get past their words.

    Send them love and light, then drop it.

    3. Words don’t define you. You do.

    Here’s the thing:

    Other people’s words define you only if you let them.

    At the end of the day, you create your own reality.

    Words are just words. You might say someone is “too straightforward,” but someone else might be appreciative of that person’s honesty.

    I can’t tell how much this helped me move past all the doubt.

    Yes, there were people expressing their subjective reality.

    But it didn’t have to be mine.

    I realized that I get to define who I am and what I’m capable of. And so do you.

    For example, if someone told you that you are “too emotional,” that doesn’t mean that you are too emotional or that being emotional is even a bad thing. That’s just their perception based on their unique set of beliefs, experiences, and projections.

    So how do you remind yourself of what a miracle worker you are?

    Write down all the things you appreciate about yourself. They could be qualities you like or nice things others have said about you.

    Every morning, look at that list.

    Someone that awesome has a high chance of succeeding with whatever they choose to do, right? Or at the very least, that person will learn, grow, and have one hell of an adventure.

    4. Become that supportive person you want in your life.

    If you’ve been allowing doubters to hold you back, it’s time to start letting supportive people into your life.

    People who cheer you on and make you believe you can do everything you want to do, and more.

    Well, it can all start with you.

    When I started offering encouraging words to others, I began attracting people who gave appreciation back.

    The most striking example was when I emailed someone whose writing I had found online and enjoyed. I told her how much I appreciated it. She wrote me back and thanked me… and we’ve been friends ever since! Not only that, but she’s had an incredibly positive impact on my life by being extremely supportive and encouraging.

    That’s it. These four steps helped me get past doubt, find my courage, and live life as I want to live it.

    Today I’m able to work and live anywhere and live a flexible and (in my definition) free life. I couldn’t be happier that I stuck with my decision.

    What’s that one thing you’re keeping yourself from doing?

    Practice these new mindset shifts daily. Soon enough, you will find that courage you have within you to live life exactly the way you want to live it.

  • How to Love Yourself into Speaking Up When You’re Frozen in Fear

    How to Love Yourself into Speaking Up When You’re Frozen in Fear

    “Always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” ~Unknown

    You may not want to admit this to others, but I know the truth about you.

    You freeze, clam up, and shut down when tensions rise and your spidey-sense detects a hint of conflict in the air. You run for cover during the storm, and when it’s over, you judge yourself for not having delivered the perfect soliloquy in the heat of the moment to convey your point and get what you need and deserve.

    And then you collapse into a hot mess of blame and shame.

    I get it. I used to be an expert in hiding.

    I vividly recall finding myself in tears in a colleague’s office after a particularly difficult meeting. My work was sidelined, and it was made abundantly clear that my contribution and presence weren’t valued.

    I felt passed over, ignored, and worst of all, not seen.

    I was too scared to say anything in the moment, and I didn’t even have the right words to express what was on my mind.

    What I wanted to say was nothing out of the ordinary. But when you’re feeling intimidated, that really doesn’t matter. Even sharing something as benign as what you’ve been working on seems impossible, let alone requesting a teeny, tiny amount of air time to do so.

    I left work that day unable to make sense of what had happened and how to move through the emotional state that I was left in.

    Sadly, this wasn’t the only difficult interaction that I came across early on in my career. The other ones involved yelling, passive-aggressive remarks, dysfunctional team dynamics, and me, remaining silent, not knowing how to handle it all, while expertly judging myself for not doing better.

    Yes, I was that person.

    Perhaps you can relate?

    Maybe you’re afraid to confront a loved one who has violated your boundaries because you don’t want to damage the relationship. Or perhaps you’re in an abusive situation and you’re worried that others won’t believe all of the awful things you’ve lived though. Or maybe you’ve been “hiding” in the workplace, not wanting to broach a difficult issue because you don’t want to create conflict or lose your job.

    I get it. There are risks to rocking the boat. And sometimes those risks are worth taking because the cost of remaining silent is too high.

    That cost is carrying the trauma of these negative interactions inside of us. It lingers there, eating away at us, waiting to be released while it leaks out in unhealthy ways. We might take our frustration out on ourselves by overeating or drinking, or we might let our feelings build until one day we explode on some innocent person who doesn’t deserve our rage.

    And so, I’d like to share what I’ve learned about loving yourself into speaking up when you’re frozen in fear. My hope is that this will help you remember who you truly are in those difficult moments.

    So here goes…

    First and foremost—and I know that this is the very last thing that you want to do—stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop second-guessing yourself and admit that you’re scared.

    I know it’s hard, but accept it. Accept it all—the tension, the anger, the fear, the raised voices, the freezing… all of it. The only way through is to first accept the situation for exactly what it is, and it certainly doesn’t mean agreeing with what happened.

    Then, and this is even scarier, I know, tell someone. Not anyone, but just one compassionate witness. Someone who will listen, not judge, and not tell you what to do next.

    This is one of the best ways to begin your healing. What stays inside of you unacknowledged and unspoken festers and turns into shame and/or rage. When you let someone else in and receive their empathy and understanding, you’re better able to offer these beautiful gifts to yourself.

    You’ll then be ready to understand (not with your head, but with your heart) that freezing is a brilliant response to feeling scared.

    We’re biologically wired to use this survival technique to help us ward off predators. My cat freezes every time I take her to the vet, and it’s no better than fighting or fleeing as a response. So please stop judging yourself for doing what the universe innately programmed you to do.

    And now, for the biggest leap of faith that you’ll be asked to take in this lifetime… To effect any real change, you’ll need to love yourself exactly as you are right now.

    That means loving the frightened, insecure, self-judging little one inside of you who hates herself* (or himself or themselves) for not doing better.

    Yes, her.

    Instead of telling her that she’s not good enough, speak to her in the way you’d talk to a child who froze in fear when confronted with a threatening situation. What might you say?

    “It’s okay… you’re safe now, you’re loved. No one can hurt you. You are enough, just as you are. You don’t need to change a thing.”

    Once that little one feels truly comforted, she’ll be ready to entertain the possibility of speaking up, and then find the courage to do so. Self-love creates strength, confidence, and resilience—and these are the things you need to give yourself a voice. You need strength to speak up, confidence to hold your ground regardless of how you’re received, and resilience to handle the response, whatever it may be.

    This may take a while.

    Have patience.

    When she does find her voice, she’ll stumble.

    Her words will come out all clunky at first. She’ll feel both embarrassment and exhilaration. Just let her be. Let her live through all of those wild and wonderful emotions, while telling her how incredibly proud you are of her.

    Eventually, she’ll come to see the brilliant wisdom in the unique voice that she’s been holding back. And she’ll learn how to finally love herself, even when she was the one who did something wrong.

    Please remember to celebrate her in that moment.

    As that little one becomes wiser, she’ll also realize that “resolution” doesn’t necessarily mean working it out with the other person. She’ll find the courage to speak her truth and walk away with integrity when necessary, finding comfort in the fact that she did her best even when others didn’t agree with her decisions.

    And now for the kicker… you’re seriously not going to believe this one, but trust me, it happens.

    Once you figure out how to speak up while feeling love and compassion for the scared little one inside of you, you’ll almost magically help others move out of their own fight, flight, and freeze reactions.

    And for the most part, you’ll happily discover that you can build bridges where you once saw impasses.

    But deep down somewhere you already know all of this, don’t you?

    My wish for you is that you allow yourself to live it a little sooner, so that life is a little less painful for you.

    But I also know that it’s through this struggle that you become stronger, so as I write these words I hesitate to even suggest taking that journey away from you. Just know that you will get there.

    Dedicated to CDM, the queen of love bubbles who had the infinite patience needed to teach me how to unfreeze.

    *Author’s Note: In this post, I use she/her pronouns because I’m speaking from my own lived experience. However, this message is meant for anyone it resonates with, regardless of gender identity. Please feel free to replace the pronouns with those that feel right for you.

  • Stop Focusing on Your “Flaws” and Let Your Light Shine Bright

    Stop Focusing on Your “Flaws” and Let Your Light Shine Bright

    Glowing woman

    “Vulnerability is about having the courage to show up and be seen.” ~Brene Brown

    When I was twenty-seven someone told me I had old looking skin.

    Up until I heard this comment, I had never given much thought to my skin. Ever since, however, it’s been the only thing I see when I look in the mirror.

    Lately, I have been diving deeper into the inner areas of my life that still need further integration. Making themselves most apparent as top priorities are self-love and acceptance.

    A good friend recently told me that she has started to look at herself in the mirror every day and say “I love you,” and really mean it.

    She said when she first started this exercise, all she could see was the line that was between her eyebrows. Her one flaw.

    Before my friend mentioned this line in her face, I had never really noticed it.

    My friend has big, beautiful, blue eyes, and those are all I see every time I talk to her.

    This conversation was quite eye opening. It made me admit that I do the same thing.

    The only things I see in the mirror are the lines in my face, and I think, “maybe I need to get a facelift.”

    I am committed to loving and accepting myself fully and changing this behavior pattern.

    My friend said, “Polly, you have to see your lines in a different way. Your lines tell the story of who you are! Your lines show all of your many adventures, all the time you have spent outside kayaking, surfing, and cycling. This is the story your lines tell. Your lines have made you who you are. Love your lines!”

    AMAZING!

    Love my lines! Really?

    Love my biggest insecurity? Accept my flaws as they are?

    What if I loved my lines? What if I saw them like she did?

    They are the story of who I really am.

    I have not been wrapped up in cotton wool, sitting in a cubicle, and my face shows it.

    What if I even honored my lines and said thank you?

    Thank you for taking on the elements.

    Thank you for protecting me and allowing me to do all the sports I love outside for hours in the sun.

    Thank you, lines!

    Well, this is revolutionary!

    Self-acceptance, gratitude, compassion, and forgiveness are my practices today. I forgive myself for letting someone else’s opinion of me dominate me. For giving away my power, and allowing my sense of self to come from outside of me.

    In his book The Presence Process, Michael Brown says:

    “The behaviors we generate in order to feel safe and accepted in the world are a substitute for real peace and aren’t who we are. By embracing responsibility for our experiences, we embrace the capacity to change them.”

    In taking responsibility for my life and experiences I can see that I have allowed my worth and value to be dictated by one person’s superficial observation of my appearance.

    I now take back my power. I now change my story. I can choose a different path. I can love and have gratitude. I can forgive this person and myself. I can focus on my gifts instead of my imperfections.

    It is commonly believed that the eyes are the mirrors of the soul.

    When I talk to people I always look in their eyes. When I look at myself I hardly ever look in my own eyes.

    Why? What would I see if I looked beyond the surface? What have I been distracting myself with by only focusing on my skin?

    What if I saw who I truly am? What if I saw my own soul? What if I let my light really shine?

    Digging deeper, I see that perhaps Marianne Williamson is right when she says,

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

    If I fully accept and embrace my imperfection, and believe Marianne Williamson, then what?

    Is my deepest fear that I am powerful?

    Does my light scare me?

    What if I truly let my light shine?

    What an amazing gift this would be! To myself and to the world.

    This is all I really want.

    To be my most authentic, whole, true self. To let my light shine. To be comfortable in my own skin.

    I believe this is the point of life, and that my inner work is to see beyond my lines—to see who I truly am.

    I now am showing up and having the courage to really be seen. Lines and all!

    I know that if I honestly allow this, I will be free.

    That no one outside of me can do this for me.

    I have begun to edit video footage that I took of myself last year, when I was on a self-searching walk by myself. I spent thirty-two days alone in the wilderness and recorded my journey on video. I haven’t shared these videos because I was self-conscious about my skin, and, as a result, I have been holding back the potential of letting my light shine.

    Letting my light truly shine means following my heart and inspiration. Allowing my gut instinct to rule, even when I don’t know why. Smiling big. Saying hello to people with my heart open. Seeing others as a reflection of myself. Asking, “What can I give?” rather than “What can I get?” and being present with everyone I come into contact with.

    If I feel like dancing, I get up and dance.

    Shining my light means sharing my gifts with generosity, and getting out of my own way. Putting myself out there and allowing my voice to be heard. Through writing, dance, film, art, and by simply being my whole, authentic, true self.

    It is well and truly time. Time to get over the insecurity, the reverse vanity, and practice self-love and acceptance.

    The only one who needs to love and accept me is me, and I know that once I do this what you think of me really doesn’t matter.

    We can all let our light shine bright—you too.

    Stop focusing on your perceived imperfections and recognize your inner light.

    Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say “I love you” or “You are amazing,” and really mean it!

    See yourself as your friends see you (without honing in on physical flaws).

    “Show up,” however that looks for you, and allow yourself to be seen.

    Call back in your power—from all people, places, and situations where you may have given it away.

    We owe it to ourselves and to the world to step into our full power, and shine our full brightness. Allowing ourselves to be, express, and create gives others the room to do the same.

    Our unique, authentic selves are here now, ready, and waiting for our permission to shine!

  • Courage Is Not Having the Strength to Go On

    Courage Is Not Having the Strength to Go On

    Courage is not having the strength to go on

  • Courage Is Doing What You Really Want to Do, Even When You’re Scared

    Courage Is Doing What You Really Want to Do, Even When You’re Scared

    All Our Dreams Can Come True

    “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” ~Ambrose Redmoon

    It’s only 9:25am on a Saturday morning and I feel myself welling up already.

    I know this is difficult. This might just be some of the hardest stuff he’s ever had to do.

    I’m there. On the sidelines, watching him.

    I know him so well by now and all of his little “giveaways.” His eyes looking for mine. Fidgeting.

    We’ve agreed that he’ll give it a chance because he really wants to do this. REALLY, REALLY. There’s no doubt about that.

    But in order to get what he wants, he needs to show up. He needs to:

    • Be present
    • Get out of his comfort zone
    • Feel the insecurity, the nervousness, and all this new stuff

    It’s not my job to ensure that he’s always inside his comfort zone and let him stay there forever.

    It’s my job to be by his side every single time he exits his comfort zone, his safe place where everything is familiar, easy, and nice.

    And then the tears come. A mix of being (oh-so!) proud and me seeing myself in him.

    Phew! I take a deep, deep breath.

    He’s running toward me. Throwing himself in my arms and cuddling up for a deep hug.

    “Mom, I’m actually a bit scared. There’s so much noise and I don’t even know all of these other kids.”

    He hugs me a bit harder. We sit like this for a few minutes until I feel him relaxing.

    “All right, out you go. Just do another five minutes,” I tell him, cheering him on. “You can always come back for another hug, but we’ll stay here until the game finishes, so get out there and play.”

    We had five lovely hugs in two hours and when we got in the car to go home, he was a very (very!) proud five-year-old boy.

    “Mom! Did you see my goal??”

    “I sure did, sweetheart!”

    Let’s wind back time seven days to when I was on a plane to London, feeling:

    • Excited
    • Anxious
    • Nervous
    • A knot in my stomach
    • Curious

    I was on my way to a big conference with a whole lot of people I didn’t know.

    “Ohhhh, Mads, I almost don’t even want to go. Why does it have to be like this every time I do something new?” 

    I said this to my husband all snuggled up in a big hug before we got in the car for them to drop me off at the train station.

    “It’s part of the game, baby. You know that. And Maj, remember that you feel this way every single time, and you go through with it and feel awesome. You feel proud for going through with it, for being brave and for learning all this new stuff.”

    I know.

    My husband is a very wise man.

    My point:

    Whether you’re five years old and about to play your first indoor football match, feeling super nervous but really wanting to learn how to play football, or you’re thirty-seven years and going to a big conference in London, about to meet some of the world’s leading teachers and have a private dinner with them, it takes courage.

    Don’t let it fool you, though!

    Courage is not the same as an absence of fear.

    In no way.

    Courage is doing what you really want to do, even if it scares you to death.

    Like this… me writing this blog post to you, telling you (very openly and honestly) about my own vulnerability; telling you how I feel when I have to do something I haven’t done before.

    Courage is taking teeny, tiny steps in the right direction even though, sometimes, that really is freaking terrifying to do.

    And sometimes you need to go back for another hug and just soak up a little bit more of that security before you make room for another tiny little step.

    The courage that makes you an inch closer to where you want to be.

    The courage that makes you, in one year, closer to the goal you visualized than you are today.

    Courage is also required when you’re being honest in a relationship.

    It’s being brave enough to say what your heart knows is right but you know might upset your partner.

    Being brave enough to say what you’re missing the most even though you’re afraid that your partner might see this as criticism and might snap at you.

    Saying the one thing that makes you so vulnerable and gives your partner the possibility of hurting you.

    Being brave enough to taking that step in that direction that enables you (and you as a couple) to, in one week, one month, one year, be even closer to the relationship you long for and the relationship you know, deep down in your heart, is right.

    Courage is doing something you wouldn’t normally do despite the fact that you’d much prefer to do what you usually do.

    It’s courageous to be brave enough to pursue something better.

    It’s brave to put in a hardcore effort to get closer to your goal.

    Whether it’s indoor football for juniors, a conference in London, a better relationship, a better job, or the courage to be bold enough to work on getting more quality into your life in general, it all requires courage.

    And it requires you to be brave and that you act.

    Just one step at the time. Teeny, tiny steps in the right direction.

    You know what the next step for you is, right now. Take that step.

    Yes, it’s a challenge. Be courageous!

    Dreams come true image via Shutterstock

  • How to Find the Courage to Quit Your Unfulfilling Job

    How to Find the Courage to Quit Your Unfulfilling Job

    Quitting

    “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” ~Francis Bacon Sr.

    Isn’t it a shame?

    You’ve studied and worked hard to get to where you are.

    You’ve succeeded.

    And you got that job.

    But now, it just doesn’t feel right.

    Well, I understand exactly what you’re going through.

    Once upon a time, I thought I had it all too.

    A great position, a great salary with generous bonuses, and I was working in the heart of the city of love: Paris. My life and career might have looked perfect on the outside, but on the inside, I was desperately yearning for something else.

    As the months went by, my sadness skyrocketed. And the voice inside telling me to change grew ever stronger. So did my concerns, worries, and fears about the future. What if things didn’t work out? What if I couldn’t make enough money? What if I would come to regret my decision?

    Sound familiar?

    When I evaluated my life, though, I found that the idea of staying was scarier than anything that may happen if I quit. So, I finally found the courage to leave the safety of a corporate job to find my true calling in life.

    If you’re yearning for change but too scared of the what-ifs, the following tips will help you evaluate your life and finally find your courage as well.

    1. Choose to live by design instead of by default.

    Take a step back and look at what kind of life you truly want to live. Does it look like the one you’re living today? A while back, I asked myself that question. One of the things that came back to me was that I wanted my life to revolve more around yoga. So, now I’m training to become a yoga teacher.

    Don’t settle for mediocrity or life by default. Instead, decide to make active choices to create the life you desire—that’s the only way you’ll get there.

    2. Fear regret rather than failure.

    Failing means you tried and learned something. Regret, on the other hand, comes as a response to what hasn’t happened. It’s an ugly emotion that usually doesn’t show up until it’s already too late.

    Failing at something is scary, but regret is even scarier. Wouldn’t you rather try and fail now instead of one day regretting you never tried at all?

    3. Imagine the worst-case scenario.

    What’s the worst thing that can happen if you quit your unfulfilling job? Maybe you’d have to find another full-time job? Maybe you’d be standing without a safety net, unable to care for the people that depend on you?

    By clearly defining a realistic worst-case scenario, you can prepare yourself not to end up there and to cushion the impact if it occurs. That could mean making sure you have enough savings, someone to fall back on, or a job lined up if things don’t work out.

    4. Listen to your gut.

    I had a nagging feeling inside of me for years before I acted on it. I had tried to push it away, and when that didn’t work, I changed tactics and chose to allow the feelings in. Only then did I understand the message behind it and what I needed to do.

    Now I know that the discomfort I was feeling was a good thing. It meant that my inner guidance system was working correctly, giving me direction in life. What are your feelings telling you? What are you being guided toward?

    5. Know that you’ll be better doing what you love.

    “If I could be good at something I was fairly interested in, what would happen if I did something I truly love?” This was a question I simply had to find the answer to.

    I believe outstanding work can only come from a place of loving what you do. This is when you utilize your unique skills, talents, and natural gifts. Imagine for a second how great you could become at something you love doing?

    6. Let happiness be the key to success.

    Studies prove (and people like billionaire entrepreneur Richard Branson confirm) that happiness fuels success and performance, not the other way around. Now, isn’t that nice to know?

    Creating a life around what makes you happy is the key to living a truly successful life.

    7. Become an example.

    Imagine that someone you care deeply for, such as a little sister or a friend, is observing your actions. He or she will copy everything you do. A bit scary, huh?

    Now, would you want this person to stay in a place that left them feeling unfulfilled? Or would you want them to find the courage to pursue what they truly desire?

    8. Come back to the present moment.

    Worrying about the future doesn’t change anything; instead, it hinders you from making the best of this moment. Here and now is all we ever have. It’s the only place where we have control.

    So, focus on what you can do right now to go in the direction you want.

    9. Know that everyone feels the same.

    Realizing that I wasn’t alone with my thoughts and fears gave me a surprisingly comforting feeling. I wasn’t weak or fragile for being scared—I was simply human.

    Understand that what you feel is normal, but whether to act or not is your choice.

    10. Define your why.

    I left my job because I wanted to work with something I cared deeply for, where I could express myself fully and make a positive impact in the world.

    If you’re clear on why you’re leaving a job, you’ll see the value in taking the risk. It will help you stay motivated and keep you focused in the right direction.

    11. Trust that you have a gift to offer.

    All seven billion of us have a unique set of skills, talents, and personality traits. I once met a woman whose great passion in life was the connective tissues in our bodies. Pretty unique passion, right? We’re all different, and that’s the beauty.

    You have something special only you can offer this world, and we’re longing to take part of it. So, trust yourself, and show us what you’ve got.

    12. Connect with like-minded people.

    Connect with people that are on a similar journey to yours. Build a support network, in person and online.

    To have people around you that support, motivate, and inspire you is priceless. They’ll help you through the most difficult days.

    13. Take risks for what you will gain long-term.

    Sometimes we need to take risks and make short-term sacrifices for what will serve us long-term. Basically, we must be willing to bet in order to win.

    Just think about this. Staying in an unfulfilling job means taking a greater risk since you already know it’s not what you want. So, you risk more by not taking risks.

    14. Aim to put a smile on your older, future self.

    Imagine yourself being ninety years old and at your deathbed. Looking back at your life, how would you want the story to unfold?

    You’ll want to die with a big smile on your face, knowing that you made the best of your time here. And that you lived a life true to yourself, not the life others expected of you.

    15. Know that the timing is never right.

    Maybe you’re young without any proper experience. Maybe you’re older and take longer to learn new things. Or maybe you just got promoted and want to give this opportunity a chance.

    The time will never come when all the conditions are right. When I accepted this, I understood that everything is as perfect as I perceive them to be.

    16. Trust that the path will unfold.

    What’s scary in following your dream is that the path is unclear. Stepping off the beaten path means that you can’t see a straight road in sight.

    But, we don’t need to know the whole path. We just need to know the next step in front of us.

    17. Make uncomfortable the new comfortable.

    When we want something we don’t have, we must do things we haven’t done before. And that means becoming uncomfortable.

    When I accepted this as a natural part of the journey, I decided to make uncomfortable my new comfortable.

    18. Nurture faith, not fear.

    Fear is uncertainty about what doesn’t exist yet. Faith is the same, but trusting that it will turn out for the best. So, instead of imagining scenarios of what you don’t want, choose to focus on what you do want.

    Give your energy to faith, not fear.

    Live by Choice Instead of Chance

    It’s not easy feeling frustrated and restless in an unsatisfying job. It’s not easy knowing that leaving might be a big mistake. But, staying might be an even bigger one.

    You don’t know how things will turn out if you quit. We never do. But here’s what you do know—staying where you are most likely won’t get you where you want to be.

    Wouldn’t you rather live life by choice instead of chance? Wouldn’t you rather look back and know that you did everything you could to create the life you desire instead of wishing you’d had? Wouldn’t you rather take a chance on faith instead of fear?

    Who knows, you just might get everything you wished for.

    Quitting image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Reasons Why We Can’t Give Up

    6 Reasons Why We Can’t Give Up

    Dont Give Up

    “The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long.” ~Unknown

    I was a serial “giver upper” for so much of my youth.

    I tried gymnastics when I was about six until I discovered the teacher smoked. I’m not sure why I had an aversion to smoking at the time, but I can remember frowning and stamping my foot a lot about it.

    I tried tap and ballet until I realized that the teacher was some kind of Roald Dahl headmistress. She would thump around the classroom scaring the crap out of us, and as a result none of us looked elegant and poised.

    I tried horse riding until the horse turned psycho and kept throwing me off, including throwing me into a fence. It was a very big horse, at least for a little girl.

    I’d write plays and novels until another idea distracted me and floated out the window, and I saw it as my destiny to run after it until I got lost.

    I’d become passionate about causes until I realized that fighting the cause would involve too much sacrifice. Sacrifice for a cause? Who would have thought?

    If things became too hard I would give up and move on. But the older I got, the more I regretted giving up on some of these things.

    By now I could have been touring my play, “Horse Lake – One Woman, Sixteen Horses, and a lot of Ballet and Tap.” Intriguing, huh?

    Seriously, though, I was becoming more and more aware that my lack of capacity for sticking with things meant that I was missing out on experiences and ways of being that were deeper, more beautiful, and more satisfying that were just over the mountain if I decided to keep climbing.

    I also saw terrible and sad things that needed to be righted, that needed dedicated and brave people to fight and to not give up until things changed.

    I saw people that had lost too much, that were worn out, that were on the edge of giving up every day who needed hope.

    I saw a world that was turning more and more toward quick stimulation and transient passions. That was turning away from long-term endeavors and stickability. That was in need of a call to keep going, to go deeper.

    So I decided to change. Little by little, I decided daily that I was going to stick with the things that mattered to me.

    I still gave up on things that didn’t matter, but I decided I was going to hold true to what did. I’ve seen a slow change and experienced a deepening and a wonder that I didn’t know existed.

    I wrote this for all of us that are on the edge of giving up to remind us that there is beauty if we can just keep going. We can change the world. So here are six reasons why we can’t give up. Can you think of any more?

    1. We are unique.

    We’ve heard this so much we’ve forgotten what it really means.

    The American poet, Walt Whitman, once wrote, “I am large, I contain multitudes.”

    We have hundreds of layers. These layers shift and blend. They form new permutations every day.

    We like this and we don’t like that. We are good at this and we are bad at that. We’ve been here and not there. We know this and we don’t know that.

    For this reason, and this reason alone, we can’t give up. The complexity of our character means there will never be another us. Ever. That’s incredibly precious.

    What are we going to create from us?

    2. Some things are worth fighting for.

    Isn’t that what we said when we started this journey? There’s an imbalance and we wanted to right it. There’s beauty that’s yet to be explored. There’s a breakthrough that hasn’t broken through.

    Guess what? This hasn’t happened yet.

    We can’t give up because it’s up to us to change the world. There are misguided or ignorant or arrogant people who are doing things to hurt. There are dear people in need of beauty, kindness, and revelation.

    There’s also us.

    We wanted to make our lives better. If we give up things won’t change.

    The unique beauty will be lost. The imbalance will remain. We won’t be able to see the ripples of our actions because we took our hands out of the water.

    3. We are part of a beautiful world.

    Yes, there is suffering. There are those that hurt. But there is also a beautiful world.

    Profound valleys. Rain on our fingers. Cloud creatures. Kind gestures.

    It’s worth saving, protecting, enjoying.

    If we keep going we can touch others. Touch the sky. Rescue the earth. Explore for the rest of our lives. So let’s not give up.

    4. It will pass.

    Whatever block we are coming up against, whatever pain we are feeling, whatever swamps us and threatens to destroy us—it will pass. Eventually, it will pass.

    When we persevere we get to know ourselves better. We have the opportunity to work with our challenges. We can speak to them. Spend time with them. Until eventually, on a glorious day, we bid them farewell and walk on. So much wiser and deeper than before.

    5. We have to start again.

    If we give up we have to start again. It’s okay to start again. Sometimes it’s a part of going deeper. Of rising again in another form.

    But if we truly still believe, if all roads lead to this, let’s not think about starting again. Just the thought of it is exhausting. It feels hopeless.

    Let’s remember how good it felt when we began. Let’s make a decision to keep going. Let’s keep our focus on hope.

    We don’t want to repeat and repeat. We want to move forward.

    6. We are worthy.

    We are amazing for trying.

    We are imperfect, but it’s so admirable and brave that we are doing everything we can to grow.

    We are talented and have the capacity to completely honor our talents.

    Our passion for spreading more love and care will help people in ways we can’t even imagine.

    We are still loved if we give up. But right here, right now, we can remember how passionate we felt when we began this journey.

    We don’t want to regret things. We want to grow, to fight, and to shine.

    We are worthy.

    The world has a rhythm. It is one of resistance and overcoming. It is the wave holding itself before it breaks into foam.

    If we move against the winds we must expect resistance. We can also expect a new world that greets us.

    There will be days of soft sunlight and tears of delight. Whatever the journey, we must keep walking the road. We can’t give up.

    Don’t give up image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Trying to Blend In: The Simple Secret to Being Yourself

    Stop Trying to Blend In: The Simple Secret to Being Yourself

    Stand out from the Crowd

    “Be yourself—not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    How many times have people told you to just be yourself? A million times perhaps.

    How many times have you felt able to do this?

    Until a few months ago, I thought this was frighteningly hollow advice, like “Don’t worry.” And I had no clue how to be myself. What does it even mean?

    The Simple Secret to Being Yourself

    My friend continuously tells me that being yourself means doing things you want to do and not caring about what others think.

    I disagree with that definition. It makes “being yourself” too simplistic. I learned what it really means to be yourself after an eye opening incident.

    I always thought parties signified fun, but no matter how much I tried to enjoy them, I couldn’t. I hated the entire process of getting ready, going, dancing, eating, and coming back. I would have preferred to read a book or visit a monument any day.

    For years, I thought I didn’t know how to have fun.

    But I have fun when I read or visit monuments, the same way people have fun when they go to parties.

    I struggled to accept that, because this required me to accept that I didn’t have fun in the conventional sense. It meant accepting that my idea of fun might be boring to many people.

    Being yourself means having the courage to accept yourself. It means having the courage to understand that you are a particular set of characteristic and no matter what you do, there will be a few things that will never be you.

    It’s hard to do this because you have to accept that you’re different from other people. But that difference doesn’t have to depress you or define you.

    You cannot be everything. You don’t have to be everything.

    You simply have to be you. And that is enough.

    3 Steps to Being Yourself

    There are no rules to being you because being yourself is (and has to be) different for everyone. I humbly offer a few guidelines that will help.

    1. Get to know yourself.

    In order to be yourself, you first need to find out who you really are. Are you a party person or not? Do you like starting things or ending them? Do you take small steps or huge steps?

    This involves a lot of soul searching. I did this by asking myself a lot of questions on many different topics.

    This is the only way you will ever get to know who you are.

    Some questions to consider:

    • Am I an early riser or a night owl?
    • Am I comfortable being part of a large group or do I prefer to have a few close friends?
    • Am I an introvert or an extrovert?
    • Do I thrive on adventure or like to keep things low-key?
    • Do I prefer change or consistency?
    • Do I like to jump right in or take things slowly?
    • Do I embrace rules or rebel against them?
    • What makes me unique?
    • How do I want people to remember me when I’m gone?
    • What do I value most in life?
    • What do I like to do with my free time?
    • What makes me excited? Does that make me happy too?
    • Do I value things more than experiences, or vice versa?
    • How do I define success in life?
    • What would I do if money were no object?

    2. Become comfortable with yourself, flaws and all.

    Once you start learning about yourself, it is essential not to judge yourself.

    Judging yourself will create a barrier to embracing who you really are.

    You need to accept all of yourself, flaws and all. We are all imperfect.

    I frequently say things that I regret later. This is a flaw, and I am working on this. But every once in a while I disappoint myself, and then I start judging myself. This leads to a state of mind that isn’t conducive for making positive changes.

    There are other things you’ll discover about yourself that you don’t have to “work on.” I may be tempted to judge myself because I don’t like parties, but that’s not actually a flaw.

    In addition to letting go of your own judgment, you have to stop worrying about what others think about you.

    Don’t be indifferent to other people’s opinions; merely be detached. There is a difference.

    Indifference says, “I don’t care,” whereas detachment says, “I accept whatever others think about me.” It means not hating other people for having different opinions or being influenced by their perception of you.

    3. Stop once in a while to check in with yourself.

    Life is busy. And I love that. I can’t handle slow. I find it painfully boring.

    But the busyness of life can also be an obstacle to being yourself if it means you don’t have time to reflect, or you end up living on autopilot and don’t know what you want anymore.

    We need time to rest and rejuvenate so we can check in with ourselves.

    There are a few easy ways to stop once in a while:

    • Travel alone and don’t read or use your phone.
    • Take ten minutes at night to think about your actions and motivations. (I did that because…)
    • Go for a walk in the park and instead of listening to music, listen to your thoughts.

    All of this might be hard and uncomfortable if you don’t already do these things regularly. You might be tempted to reject yourself and you may need to use your limited supply of courage.

    I was scared too. In the end, though, it was worth it.

    Striving to Be a Better You

    This leaves us with a single question.

    Does being myself mean I do not strive to be a better me?

    The answer is yes. And no. Well, it’s complicated. Yet simple.

    If striving to be better means you constantly focus on your flaws and judge yourself, then it’s stupid to strive to be better. Because however good you get, there will always be room for improvement.

    However, if it means you are happy with who you are and think you could be even more, then yes. Striving to be better is the way to go.

    —

    It takes courage to accept who you truly are, but it’s a lot easier if you remember there’s nothing wrong with who you are—and the only way to be happy is to embrace it.

    Stand out from the crowd image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Courageous Choices That Make Us Better, Happier People

    3 Courageous Choices That Make Us Better, Happier People

    Girl with Arms Raised

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    My daughter is the most courageous person I know. She’s two years old and fierce.

    So often we think courage looks like a warrior, soldier, or athlete.

    But I think we have it all wrong. Courage has a soft side that we have ignored for centuries.

    Take my daughter for instance. The other day she was running full speed ahead at the playground. She was so focused on getting to her favorite slide that she didn’t see the stick on the ground in front of her. In one second, she slipped, fell, and started bawling.

    I ran to her, picked her up, and kissed her knee. One minute later, she was wiggling out of my arms, feet on the ground, and running faster than before.

    Now that’s crazy courage. She had no reason to believe she wouldn’t fall again. However, she didn’t appear afraid at all. Even though previous experience told her she could fall again. She didn’t listen. She’s led by her enthusiasm and not her fear.

    Some people would say this is naive. But I think this is something adults need more of: courage.

    Courage is the ability to move forward boldly and authentically, guided by your intuition, despite fear, pain, or uncertainty. The word courage actually comes from the Latin word “cor,” which means heart.

    Inner courageousness allows us to follow our hearts, listen to our intuition, and lead soulfully satisfying lives while having all of our needs, desires, and goals met.

    Here are three ways you can have crazy courage like a toddler.

    Hit the ground.

    Go hard. Go fast. And if you fall, get up, dust off, and go again. But this time, go harder and go faster. Don’t worry about failure. Convince yourself that you can succeed. And no matter what sticks fall by your feet, persevere and keep going.

    I’ve hit rock bottom before. And you know what? It’s not a bad place to be. You get to let go of everything and start again. Do you know how exciting it is to start all over again? Make better choices. Go in a different direction. The joy of releasing any burden, any guilt, all of the “should’s” and “suppose to’s” and doing it all from scratch.

    So many people think they can’t start from the beginning and rebuild their life. So they stay in unfulfilling jobs, relationships, and negative situations. But honestly, the beginning of happiness is better than the middle of mediocrity or misery.

    Tell the truth.

    Be honest about your feelings. Don’t call fear apathy. Don’t call worry tiredness. If you’re afraid, it’s okay to say you are. The more you express your true feelings, the more connected you’ll be to your authentic self.

    Emotions are energy in motion. They are meant to come up and be released. We were not meant to hold on to them. Unexpressed emotions create baggage that slows us down. The more you deny your emotions, the further down you push your authenticity. Let your emotions rise up and let them go.

    Allow your enthusiasm to lead you.

    Have you ever felt so much joy bubbling up inside you that you wanted to run away? I don’t think we allow the full capacity of joy to overwhelm our lives. When was the last time you laughed from your gut? When was the last time you let joy shake you, rock you, and fill you up? Lean in to your enthusiasm.

    The more you seek to control this uneasiness, the less pure joy you will experience. Have the courage to let joy unnerve you and rock your boat. It’s a lot more fun to open up and let go. Trust me. Trust yourself. Fully commit to feeling good.

    This means taking that class you’ve been meaning to take. Going to places you think are beautiful. Spending time with people who encourage you. Learning that skill you’ve been craving to learn.

    Ditch the bucket list and start a living list of all the things you want to do while you’re alive. Start working on your list now!

    Schedule “joy” into your calendar. I know you’re busy, but it’s worth it.

    I recently started learning to play the piano. Making music exhilarates me. Will I become a concert pianist? Probably not. But even with two toddlers, I make time for it because I enjoy it.

    If you start with these three things, you’ll notice your courage muscles begin to build. It may hurt in the beginning. But if you keep going, you’ll get stronger. And not the fake strength that relies on bravado or hiding our emotions. But real inner strength that grounds you in inner knowingness, confidence, and certainty.

    Cultivating real courage makes us better people. And better people create better worlds.

    Girl with arms raised image via Shutterstock

  • Let Go of Who You Think Should Be and Become Who You Want to Be

    Let Go of Who You Think Should Be and Become Who You Want to Be

    Happy Man

    “Do not become a stranger to yourself by blending in with everyone else.” ~Dodinsky

    I spent many decades of my life trying to be person I was expected to be.

    It was partly the kind of expectations our parents impose on us, but also those from society, combined with the worst ones of all: the expectations I had put on myself.

    For example, the story of who “I should be” had told me that:

    • I had to be a hard worker, a great student, and an overachiever.
    • I had to be responsible.
    • I had to be serious.
    • I had to take care of everyone else.

    Naturally, my actions reflected all of these thoughts.

    Eventually, the picture my life painted became everyone else’s picture.

    I ended up going into a “safe, secure career”—you know, the dreaded corporate job you don’t want but you “know you should do” to have all the trappings of a secure life.

    People discouraged me from pursuing the things I was interested in, because it wasn’t guaranteed that I would make a good living in them. How was I supposed to support a family if I didn’t have a safe, secure job?

    Happiness wasn’t less important in this equation; it was non-existent.

    As the first born, I felt I didn’t have a choice—partly because I had expectations from others riding on my shoulders, partly because I wanted to make my family and friends proud of me.

    I wanted to show them that all of my parents’ work didn’t go to waste.

    For a while I could fake who I was. And for a while it worked. I went to my job like a busy worker bee and did what I was supposed to do; then I clocked out, went home, rinsed, and repeated.

    About a year or two later, those first stirrings started showing up. Why am I even here? How did I get here? Do I even like this line of work? What on earth am I doing? What’s the point of my life and waking up to do all of this stuff?

    Then I felt the worst feeling of all—the one we’ve all felt before—the feeling of your soul leaving your body.

    The next year was unlike the first. Mysterious illnesses start cropping up: sleep issues, fatigue, aches and pains, and the worst, an unshakeable unhappiness that wouldn’t go away, even though I was doing everything “right.”

    That’s when I reached a breaking point.

    One day, which naturally was a rainy Monday, I stood for a moment longer than usual before entering the office door.

    A second later a big commuter bus passed by.

    Right then and there, I wondered if it might be easier to just get hit by a bus rather than keep repeating this ridiculous nightmare every day.

    I paused.

    The idea that I would rather die than live another day like that shocked me sufficiently that I stepped back, and after work spent time in a cafe and thought about how I got here, and how I could get out.

    There were three things after this event that dramatically helped me:

     1. Blind courage

    I thought about what I wanted, which was surprisingly difficult, and just went for that without questioning it. This is something that almost no one tells us to do when we’re young.

    I realized how important it is to be brave, because the entire world (and often our close friends and family) is trying to change us.

    Everything competes for our mind space—we want to be happy, we want to make our parents happy, we want to be successful, and more.

     2. Listening to my gut

    I understood that this battle would never end. I realized there would always be conflicting voices: voices that told me to work for money, voices that told me to work for passion, voices that told me to just run away and do neither.

    Most importantly, I remembered to listen what my gut voice told me, beyond the intellectual stuff of what sounds practical.

     3. Tuning out other people’s opinions

    Finally, I stopped letting other people determine who I think I should be and decided to just be me. This was perhaps the hardest of all because we’re always receiving the message that we should be more or less of something.

    I made a conscious effort each day to pause and think about what I wanted. Forget what my parents wanted, what my friends wanted, what I thought I should want—what did I want?

    It wasn’t until I made these three changes that I released the brakes in my own life, regained that feeling of being myself, and finally embraced who I actually was, not who I should be.

    I invested more in my passions and interests: health, medicine, meditation, reading (and writing), and lots more.

    And over the next period of months and years, I gradually felt “my spirit” coming back.

    We’re always going to feel pressure to make choices we think we should make rather than the choices we want to make. The world is always trying to pull us or push us in different directions.

    It’s up to us to stay focused and centered so we can identify what we really want; otherwise, we’ll end up feeling that we’re just going through the motions.

    Ultimately, it takes courage to be truly authentic. It can be easy to conform because it doesn’t require going against the grain or stirring up conflict, but it’s the little acts of courage that lead us to fulfillment.

    Happy man image via Shutterstock

  • The Secret to Happiness

    The Secret to Happiness

    The Secret to Happiness

    Source: Personal Excellence

  • Finding a Job You Love: 5 Things You Need to Do

    Finding a Job You Love: 5 Things You Need to Do

    “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” ~Confucius

    I once worked for a big international consultancy firm (okay, it’s McKinsey, don’t tell anyone) and hated it.

    Everyone told me how lucky I was to have that job. They went on and on about how prestigious it was, how I got to travel the world, work with executives on the big topics, and hang out with brilliant colleagues.

    As much as all of that is true, I still hated the job. Not because of McKinsey, but because of me.

    It might be a dream job for a lot of people, but it surely wasn’t for me. It was a nightmare, and in the end I couldn’t sleep anymore (at which point a nightmare in the literal meaning of the word started to seem very attractive to me).

    Have you ever gone without sleep for days? If you have, then you know that it’s not sustainable for very long. After four days I was a zombie, and a miserable one at that.

    I was on the verge of a breakdown, and I knew that something needed to change. In hindsight, it was so obvious what that “something” was—but back then, twelve years ago, I had totally lost my way.

    Fortunately, I finally gathered up enough courage (or desperation) to pick up the phone and call my HR manager. I quit, and then I went to bed and slept like a baby for twenty hours straight.

    Two months later I had landed a job that I genuinely could love, and two years later I was running my own company.

    Since then my co-founders and I have grown our company to 200 employees, with offices in London, Berlin, and Copenhagen. More importantly, I am able to have fun, learn at a fast pace, and maintain a great work/life balance even from day one.

    From these two contrasting experiences I have learned five lessons that I use to keep myself on the right track, and that might be useful for you too:

    1. Don’t settle.

    It’s so easy to fall victim to the idea that we should be grateful just to have a job, especially in times where the economy is bad. As much as I am a fan of gratitude, if your job is not making you happy then it’s not the right thing for you to be spending 50% or more of your waking hours doing. Period.

    Of course, we can all have moments of doubt and bad days—congratulations for being human! But if you dread going to work more often than not, then it’s time to connect to your inner strength and creativity to move on to a new mission.

    2. Be courageous.

    I recently came across a happiness study that showed a positive correlation between courage and happiness.

    At first that seemed a bit odd to me. But then I understood: brave people get more out of their lives because they dare to break out, let go of their past, and embrace the unknown. They grow more, learn more, and live more intensely. Thus, they are happier.

    Since this realization, every time I get fearful, I ask myself, is this a happiness enhancer in disguise?

    Of course, sometimes courage comes in the form of non-action. Staying where you are even if it is difficult is also courageous. Only you can distinguish the difference between growing and fleeing.

    Statistically, most of us are biased toward the non-action end of the spectrum, so it makes sense to contemplate if we are staying put (in a job, in a relationship, in a city) because we are brave or because we are afraid.

    3. Follow the “One-Year Rule.”

    Let’s say that you have realized that you need to move on in your life, and that you are courageous enough to act on it. Good for you! However, sometimes you will find that you are actually stuck.

    Maybe you really need your paycheck at the end of each month. You may even have children to provide for. What do you do then?

    The One-Year Rule goes like this: make a plan and a firm commitment to yourself that one year from now, you will have sorted out your problems and be in a much better place. With planning, creativity, and patience, most things are possible.

    4. Live your priorities.

    More than once, you have probably listened to someone go on about how their children are their number one priority, or how they value good health. Then you wondered if their actions were really in line with these beliefs. Worse yet, sometimes we have been that person.

    When we say that our daughter or son means everything to us, then that statement needs to be backed by recognizable action. This could mean picking up your child early from kindergarten and being present while you play with Legos together.

    Maybe your priorities are very different from mine, and that’s fine too. The point is that we each need to be clear on what’s important to us and then live according to that blueprint. Otherwise, we end up with regret and low self-respect.

    For me, working at McKinsey wasn’t the right thing to do because that required me to be an always-on type of guy. I needed a job where I had much more freedom—that was my priority.

    5. Don’t believe the naysayers.

    It’s amazing how many well-intended friends, family members, and colleagues are more than willing to tell us when our ideas, visions, or plans are unrealistic. They tell us that we should rather be grateful for what we have, whether it’s a job, a spouse, or something else.

    Our parents can especially be a strong source of our self-doubt; parents are inherently risk-averse on behalf of their children. That’s fine, but we, their children, shouldn’t pay too much attention to that.

    My dad thought it was the silliest thing that I wanted to write a book. “There are so many books out there already,” he said. “Shouldn’t you rather focus on your business?” I didn’t listen and I am happy about that. What advice from your friends and family should you make sure to avoid?

    Here’s a tip: the next time someone is projecting their own fears and limitations on you, imagine a huge trash bin between you—and visualize all their words slipping into that bin, before they even reach you.

    Don’t be upset with other people; they are allowed to have their own beliefs and opinions. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, even when they claim it does.

    If you follow these five simple rules, I believe that work can become much more of a gift in your life rather than an obligation.

    It certainly worked for me, and I am by no means unique (or we all are). You deserve a job you truly love—and if you haven’t found it already, it’s probably out there looking for you.

  • Keep Your Eye on the Prize to Find the Courage to Keep Going

    Keep Your Eye on the Prize to Find the Courage to Keep Going

    Red Sunset

    “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt 

    I will never forget June 20, 1999.

    I experienced many firsts on that day: leaving my family behind, traveling by plane, and being surrounded by people talking a different language.

    But that day wasn’t exceptional for those reasons alone; it also put me on a path of independence and self-discovery that has treated me well ever since.

    My dream was simple in my teens: to live abroad and speak a foreign language.

    I wanted this because of the hardships of my childhood in Hungary and my desire for a better life. I picked up the philosophy early on around me—put up with what you have because things won’t get better, and you may as well accept that.

    I did that mostly, but something pulled me back to my dream.

    So after I left school, I saved up and contacted an employment agent who found a placement for me with an English family.

    I was happy, but my friends thought differently. They asked, “Why would you want to go on your own, being so naïve, socially awkward, and barely understanding the language? What if there was a problem?”

    I knew they were right. I had those exact fears.

    But my mind was made up; I could not entertain the idea that something might go wrong. I was raring to go.

    Saying goodbye to my father at the airport was the toughest part. He faithfully carried my suitcase to check in, but we were both uncertain what would happen after our parting.

    Whatever awaited me at the other end, I knew I had to face it.

    After landing in London, I travelled 200 miles by coach to a sleepy little village to meet the new family. My mind kept switching back and forth between anxiety and excitement. I couldn’t wait to start out on a new adventure, but I was equally aware I’d just left behind everything familiar.

    I was counting down the minutes.

    What would they be like? Would they have a sign with my name on like in the movies? Will they like my gifts?

    By the time the coach rolled into the station, it was already dark.

    I grabbed my worldly possessions, scanned the waiting area to see if a family vaguely resembling the description I was given was there. But nobody was there. No boards with my name or curious children and a happy mother pleased to meet me.

    The agent specifically said they would be there. I just had to arrive and everything would be taken care of. Perhaps they were held up?

    I waited. And waited. Where were they?

    Then reality struck—no one was coming.

    The time was close to midnight by then; I had to do something, as the station was closing.

    I plucked up the courage and approached an attendant explaining in my limited English what I was doing there. I showed him the letter from the family, which showed their phone number and address.

    He dialed the number but to no avail. Then he suggested I try a taxi instead, as I could not stay there. I was on the move again. I could see some relief now. Whatever their reason for not picking me up, everything would be resolved soon.

    We reached our destination, a quaint suburban house. The driver helped me with my suitcase (after duly pocketing the taxi fare—leaving me with very little money) and rang the bell.

    No answer. I tried again by knocking on the door. Nothing. He found a stick and banged on one of the windows, but still, no sign of life from the house.

    He was getting agitated. He wanted to go home; he’d done his duty. I was not his responsibility, and so he left me there, without a solution.

    My mind was racing. What am I to do now? And where are these people? They are the only link I have to this country, and I cannot even so much as find them?

    I felt truly stranded, terrified, and alone like never before.

    I went around back to their garden and the only thing I could think of was to sleep on the garden bench. It was summer but I shivered like a leaf.

    As the sun came up, I decided to call home and speak to my father. He was in utter disbelief, demanding I come home immediately.

    Then I contacted the agent whose frosty reply cut through me: “I’m sorry but I cannot help you from here!”

    I returned to the house as the sun was breaking. This time I heard noises from inside. I was banging on the door like my life depended on it. Finally it opened up.

    And there she was, looking at me surprised. I trembled as I showed her the letter, and she said they were not expecting me for another week! To this day, I have no idea why she never opened the door the day before. I slept ten hours straight that afternoon.

    At long last I felt some kind of beginning to my new life. I had a roof over my head and people to look out for me.

    Or so I thought.

    We didn’t connect from the start. Without knowing the language, I sensed our moral ground was a galaxy apart. She was barely in the house, and when she was, she gave curt orders without kindness or structure. She also completely forgot about feeding me and paying my wages.

    I wanted to get away as quickly as I could. I had to spend another four weeks in that household before I was placed with a new family. 

    What a contrast from the previous place! The family lived in a spacious home in a nice area of London. The three children were under five, and we got along well from the start. And learning English from them was easier, having similar levels of comprehension.

    For the first time ever, I was introduced to a formal routine where I knew exactly what to do each day. Looking back, this was an unexpected bonus; I learned the value of having a daily structure. This one habit still saves my skin each day.

    They took me to all sorts of places—posh weddings and foreign holidays. I also had this amazing city at my fingertips waiting to be discovered.

    World famous sights—sights I’d always wanted to see—were now an underground trip away. I also met people from many different backgrounds, which allowed me to gain a glimpse into other cultures—something I never would have experienced had I stayed at home.

    My English adventure had begun.

    From then on, everything fell into place and I gradually achieved all the goals I set myself before I left home.

    Nowadays, I dream in English. I keep studying and improving myself not only professionally but also personally. I could have very well turned back during those first few weeks, but without that I wouldn’t be who, or where, I am today.

    I truly believe I needed to go through that trial by fire to prove to myself what I was capable of under my own steam. Yes, it was painful and emotionally trying, but isn’t that all part of learning and growing to be a better person?

    How to Keep Going (When All You Want to Do is Turn Back)

    Sometimes we must put up with uncomfortable parts of our lives, because what we label as “problems” might be opportunities in disguise—opportunities that help us get over the darkest of times.

    Even when we feel like fleeing and giving up at the first hurdle, doing so would be unwise.

    Sure, we may get knocked down a hundred times, but if something is worth achieving in life, we must endure some bitterness—not least because we owe it to the younger versions of ourselves who were so determined at the beginning. To them, anything was possible.

    Continuing on is easier if we have the rewards in sight and recognize the hiccups as a part of the journey. They are signs we are heading in the right direction.

    Sadly, dreams only remains dreams to most, but if we have the courage to begin and see them through tough times, they become reality.

    So jump in with both feet and don’t worry what might happen next. The answers are within you.

    Photo by gizelle rivera

  • A Message for Anyone Who’s Been Abused and Has Kept It Inside

    A Message for Anyone Who’s Been Abused and Has Kept It Inside

    Stand Strong

    TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson

    My uncle molested me from the time I was about four until I was in my early twenties. He held me too long and hugged me too tight. He would growl in my ear like an animal in heat, his warm, wet, often alcoholic smelling breath overwhelming me.

    This is how he greeted me at every occasion. When I was really small, I almost looked forward to seeing him because I liked the attention and believed he loved me, although deep down inside, I always felt as if I were doing something wrong, something naughty.

    As I grew, he began to grope my ass through my clothing while he whispered in my ear. He would tell me that I was sexy as he growled and hugged me tighter, pressing me up against his body. Much to my horror, I was aroused.

    I was aroused by my uncle. “MY UNCLE!” I would think to myself. “What on Earth was wrong with me? Surely something was gravely wrong with me to be aroused by my own uncle.”

    I wasn’t even sure of what arousal was at that point and only in retrospect could identify what I was feeling. I didn’t have a name for sex at that age, but I could feel it and knew it was wrong deep down in my belly. I felt wrong. 

    He was an adult. He was my uncle. He loved me.

    I felt the problem was surely mine and would chastise myself as disgusting and dirty. I kept my secret close. I assumed the other members of my family knew of his behavior and that he was normal. He didn’t try to hide it, or so it seemed to me.

    He acted out all the time. He was loud, erratic, and verbally abusive. His behavior was blamed on his drinking and the fact that he was an eccentric artist who simply couldn’t control himself.

    This was the way it was. This was the way it was to be.

    When I was a teenager dancing at a wedding, he told me seductively that he wanted to “make love to me.” I laughed, deflecting his advance as he pulled me in tighter. He had told me that he wanted to have sex with me.

    I knew it was true. I wondered if I would have the strength and courage to say no. I felt the planes and curves of his entire body pressed into mine on that dance floor as I drifted up above, looking down from a cloud, wondering how I might ever escape myself.

    It was only in my late teens that I began questioning if my sickness wasn’t possibly in part his sickness, because in every book that I read and every movie that I saw, I searched but could not find a relationship like the one I had with my uncle. 

    I would wait for the scene in a movie between two related people to become romantic. When it never did, I began to wonder if that bad, ugly feeling in my belly had been trying to tell me something about him.

    I cried to my boyfriend night after night, because the more emotionally intimate we became, the harder it became for me to be physically intimate with him, and he wanted to know why I was in such pain.

    After a Thanksgiving dinner accompanied by my uncle’s raucous behavior and inappropriate advances, my boyfriend insisted on confronting my father. To my shock, my father claimed that he had no idea of my special relationship with my uncle. He never would have guessed.

    No one knew but me.

    I simply never imagined that I would be in the position of having to defend myself. My uncle had been so free in his behavior with me. It never occurred to me that he would deny it.

    He denied it, as did his wife and the entire side of the family that accompanied him. Not only did they deny it, they threw accusations at me.

    “Crazy. Depressed. Liar. She’s unable to interpret harmless behavior.” They defended his honor as husband, father, and grandfather with vigor as if he were a hero—someone to be lauded, not disparaged and blamed with this filth.

    My father had confronted him and relayed the information to me. I did not have the courage to confront him myself.

    Just as I never dreamed I would need a defense, I never dreamed of how many would accuse me. Even my own brother sided with them, and my father would soften my uncle’s blame with statements like “he didn’t mean to hurt you.”

    I wanted to scream so loud the heavens would respond. Cry so long my eyes would bleed into pools of blood around my feet on the floor. Vomit up every one of my organs in sheer disgust.

    But what they didn’t understand is that the blaming, name-calling, and crafting of an airtight defense against me were all unnecessary. I wanted nothing from any of them. I did not want an admission. I did not want an apology. 

    I did not want revenge.

    I did not want him grabbing my ass at my wedding. I did not want to have to explain to my someday husband my “special” relationship with my uncle. I did not want him to have access to the children I would someday have.

    I wanted him to reconsider his behavior before his son’s newborn baby girl, the first girl born into the family since my birth, turned four. I did not want to ever see his disgusting face again. I did not want to feel anymore that sick, dark pain deep in my belly as he touched me.

    I did not want him to touch me again, ever. I wanted my future to be different from my past.  That is all I wanted.

    And I got it. I never saw him again. I turned and walked away from all the disbelievers and my uncle the molester.

    I found people who did empathize and help me heal. I faced the truth of what had been done to me and got the help I needed to go on to live a healthy, normal existence. In doing so, I learned that it is common for families to turn on abuse victims and believe the abuser rather than the abused.

    Were you abused? Did you speak your truth, and no one believed you? Did you speak your truth and experience the pain of even one person doubting you?

    If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can. 

    Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you.  My story can be your story.

    We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.

    We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.

    If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.

    Start today and make a new ending.

    Photo by Cornelia Kopp

  • Finding the Courage to Let Go of the Familiar and Make a Change

    Finding the Courage to Let Go of the Familiar and Make a Change

    Walk Away

    “Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” ~Raymond Lindquist

    I’ve been processing my beliefs on courage since I turned 31.

    When I was in my 20s and teens, my idea of courage was that you fight until the death, never give up, be the one to say the last word, and always, always prove your point. And yet, I spent most of those years feeling unseen and unheard by my family and friends.

    I felt completely isolated and exhausted, yet I wasn’t expressing these feelings. (Not to say I hold regret; in my journey I had to seek and exhaust what didn’t work before fumbling my way to what could.)

    On the day of my 30th birthday, I found myself stuck in an unsatisfying four-year relationship, feeling so much pain, but I lacked the strength to move on. During those four years, I felt more and more isolated.

    Some research suggests that isolation is the most terrifying and destructive feeling a person can endure.

    In their book The Healing Connection, Jean Baker Miller and Irene Pierce Stiver define isolation as “a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.”

    I felt I had lost my self-respect and power, and that made me feel trapped and ashamed. As painful as it was to feel that way, it also felt familiar and comfortable. I was drowning with no life raft, holding my own head underwater.

    Part of me was staying because I didn’t believe I would feel worthy or complete until I saved my then-boyfriend and the relationship.

    At the same time, I wasn’t voicing my needs or feelings. I was expecting and depending on someone else to change instead of changing myself.

    Perhaps this is the gift when relationships don’t work out: We learn where we are not loving or accepting ourselves. Relationships bring to light the wounds we have yet to heal. For that, I am grateful.

    Once I recognized that the relationship had served a divine purpose—that the experience had happened for me, not to me—I was able to move on.

    I’ve learned that the experience of shame traps us in self-defeating cycles; we feel unworthy and powerlessness to change our life conditions.

    It also prevents us from seeing and representing our authentic selves. Then instead of airing it out and clearing the water, we muddy it further by keeping it all inside.

    Familiarity can be more comforting than the uncertainty of what will happen after we let go and jump into the abyss, but we have to ask ourselves what we value more: comfort or growth?

    Richard Schaub wrote, “Surrender is an active decision, an act of strength and courage, with serenity as its reward.”

    Perhaps courage, for me, meant not hanging on and pushing through, but accepting the hurt, surrendering the need for certainty, and making the active choice to break the silence and begin clearing up the water.

    I have learned that as unique as our stories may be, we all struggle with the same fundamental fears and we all lose our belief in ourselves. We all feel alone and isolated at times, and that leaves us feeling powerless.

    When we get stuck in toxic behaviors and relationships and we feel trapped in this vicious cycle, we need to ask ourselves, “What do we stand to lose by not changing?”

    For me, I stood to lose my authentic self, my integrity, my spirit, and the opportunity to live my best life.

    It takes courage to be completely honest with ourselves about what’s keeping us stuck.

    It took courage for me to accept that I was staying in an unsatisfying relationship because it was familiar, and even harder to acknowledge the shame and unworthiness I felt for being too scared to face the truth.

    To feel worthy and take control back, I first needed to feel accepted and connected.

    Sharing my story helped with that, and helped me release my shame. Shame and fear can hide in silence, but have a hard time lingering around when shared in a loving space.

    When we don’t tell our stories, we miss the opportunity to experience empathy and move from isolation to connection. Breaking the cycle ultimately means breaking the silence.

    To begin my healing, I started by cultivating a loving space within myself. I then stumbled into a Buddhist meditation center.

    I talked and cried with others struggling with the same challenges of fear and uncertainty. I took up yoga and explored the scary places of myself. I even I booked a trip to Thailand to volunteer and experience a new culture.

    I took to heart Red’s advice from “The Shawshank Redemption”: Get busy living, or get busy dying.

    To do that, we need to recognize that the pain of staying the same is greater than the risk of making a change, and it’s worth facing the fear of uncertainty.

    Who knows what the future holds, and perhaps that is part of the beauty of life. Each moment is fresh and new and maybe, just maybe, that’s what makes it so precious.

    What’s your idea of courage and how can you expand your pain into growth? How could you reframe the situations in your life to see them as happening for you, not to you?

    And if you are in a spot in your life where you feel scared to take a risk, ask yourself: what do you stand to lose if you don’t change?

    Photo by monkeywing

  • Change Your Life by Turning Shame into Courage

    Change Your Life by Turning Shame into Courage

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Shame. A word that conjures up all kinds of emotions while equally keeping you silent.

    Some have even said that shame should be classified as a deadly disease because of how it deeply affects the soul.

    Then, there are researchers like Brené Brown who study it.

    It wasn’t until I started working with my first speaking coach that I realized it was actually shame that had kept me “hiding out” and playing small earlier in life.  

    Which is typical of women who have experienced shame. Isolation becomes your friend.

    I had met my coach at a networking event for women in business. She was warm and caring. I shared that it was overcoming the loss of my son to suicide that actually brought me to coaching.

    I told her of my goals of sharing my message through public speaking and advocacy to bring awareness, not only to suicide prevention, but also issues affecting women.

    Except, like most people, I had always had a fear of public speaking. Even to get up and say my name used to make my palms sweaty.

    So why did the thought of standing up in front of the room and speaking bring on major heart palpitations? After all, I love meeting new people, chatting it up, hearing their stories and learning about their lives. There had to be more to the story!

    During our first session, I told her that I thought most of my fears were from a childhood trauma I had experienced. After hearing my story, she said, “You have an element of shame that surrounds your life. You have a fear of judgment.”

    I was worried what people would think of me that didn’t even know me, or anything about me.

    It finally made sense to me.

    It all stemmed from being sexually abused as a young kid. The humiliation, embarrassment, and fear of anyone finding out was still affecting my life.

    Only now, I knew how important it was to share my story, because it could change a life or save a life.

    My life mission was now bigger than my fear.

    On my journey to healing, I read many books. Books on losing a loved one, books on overcoming trauma, books on healing your life, and books on getting healthy.

    I watched Oprah and listened to her inspiring guests.

    One day, something clicked.

    Everything that I had either read or listened to that inspired me to take action and move out of my darkness involved one thing: stories!

    It was not the technical stuff or the how-to overcome (fill in the blank). It was the stories being shared that I could relate to that helped me change my life.

    It was the people who were not afraid to share. They did not let any shame, stigma, or fear stop them because they knew their story might help someone.

    When you go through a trauma or loss, you can easily feel isolated, like you are the only one. But when you are courageous enough to share your story, you soon find out that you are not alone.

    There are people out there in dire need of someone to talk to, that they can relate to, that will understand them.

    Sharing your story empowers others who are feeling isolated to begin their own journey of healing and move forward, to create their own movement, big or small.

    It’s like a snowball effect. You inspire one person, who inspires another person, who inspires another.

    When you are finally courageous enough to share your story, it is a process. Shame will no longer leave you feeling small and powerless.

    You will feel the need to get out there, share your story, and make a difference in the world.

    Now, when I feel fear creeping in, I remind myself that it is not about me; it is about the person who is going to hear my story, feel inspired to change their own life, and create their own movement of change, one small step at a time.

    Photo by Jonatas Cunha

  • Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

    Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

    “Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

    We often think of quitting as failure. We commend people for carrying on when times get rough. The heroes in our action movies don’t just give up when things get difficult. When was the last time you saw Steven Seagal walk away from a fight?

    As the saying goes, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Society expects us to fight back and battle on.

    But sometimes, quitting is most definitely the right thing to do.

    Sometimes, it’s the best option. A lot of people assume that it’s the easy thing to do—that only defeatists and good-for-nothin’ drop outs would even consider such a “cop-out.” This is not the case.

    I learned this myself when I finally made that looming decision to drop out of college. There it is: “drop out.” Even the words sound negative, as if I’ve fallen away from society, failing to meet my expectations. But I don’t see my decision as a negative thing at all, and it wasn’t the easy thing to do.

    I had been at college for a year and two months; I had great friends, and everything was happily laid out for me.

    Nothing was too demanding, especially considering I had only nine contact hours a week. People told me where I had to be and when. This must all sound fairly straight-forward and easy going.

    Why, then, would I decide to give it all up and leave?

    As idyllic as this lifestyle sounds (and probably was), I simply felt no drive to live it. I had no desire to follow these laid out plans, and this was making me extremely unhappy. Going to college was, in hindsight, a bad decision for me.

    I rushed into the decision rather than taking a break to find myself in the world. (more…)

  • Transcending Your Fear Using Courage and Boldness

    Transcending Your Fear Using Courage and Boldness

    “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear” ~Ambrose Redmoon

    I hear the words courage and boldness thrown around a lot in the self-growth world, often as the same thing.

    Or that the notion of true courage and boldness only looks like this big, huge, daring action, like a hero out of a movie lunging into a fearful situation.

    Courage and boldness always confused me and I thought they were pretty much the same thing.

    But once I learned the difference between them, I was able to have this warrior team to help me create better life for myself, on my journey to becoming a more fulfilled, self-actualized human being.

    After many years of trial and error, I realized the use of boldness and courage doesn’t need to look like some action movie hero. Though the great thing is, it can feel like I am a superhero on the inside. 

    I believe the same goes for you, if you want to access more boldness and courage in your life.

    First, Fear

    Let’s begin with fear, because without the concept of fear there would be no need for boldness or courage.

    I discovered that fear can be an enemy or an ally, and it’s our choice. A common interpretation of fear is that it is bad, that we must make it go away, because we blame it for stopping us.

    I’m with the Buddhists on this one in that if we resist fear then we make it our enemy, and that’s a battle we’ll never win.

    We will never be able to access courage and boldness in a powerful way, so we can win the war on fear by not trying to battle it directly.

    For many years I tried very hard to defeat fear, to purge my body of it, to cleanse my mind of it, all to no avail. Fear of more responsibility, fear of getting hurt in relationships, fear of just about anything.

    I’ve used guided meditations to attempt to eliminate fear, worked with NLP specialists and hypnotherapists to kill my fear, tried telling myself with affirmations that I am fearless and totally confident, used emotional freedom technique—the list goes on and on.

    And guess what? Fear is still there. It’s not going anywhere for me.

    Maybe you can find a way to remove fear, but I’ve given up on that route.

    So what can we do if we can’t kill fear itself, knowing that fear gets in the way, and can stop us from being or having what we want to be?

    It’s a strange paradox, but by being more accepting of fear, I’ve found it makes our access to courage and boldness stronger.  (more…)