Tiny Buddha

Tag: couple

  • How to Reinvigorate Your Relationship with New Experiences

    How to Reinvigorate Your Relationship with New Experiences

    “After a while, every couple will get bored. That’s why trying new things together is key.” ~Unknown

    When life gets busy with work, kids, and the steady hum of daily responsibilities, it’s easy for relationships to fall into a familiar rhythm. Routines are comforting, but they can also lead to a kind of autopilot in love—a state where everything feels predictable and, eventually, a bit uninspired.

    My partner and I have a strong bond, but we’d both noticed that something felt… different. It wasn’t bad, but we missed that spark of excitement that had defined our early days together. So we decided to shake things up with some new, shared experiences.

    We didn’t make grand plans or book an extravagant vacation. Instead, we chose to weave newness into our relationship in small ways.

    We started trying little things that felt unfamiliar, even a bit challenging, to see if we could rekindle the thrill of discovery we’d had in the beginning. And what I discovered was that novelty—no matter how small—has a way of bringing you closer, helping you see each other in a new light and reminding you of why you fell in love in the first place.

    Here’s what I learned as we explored together and how these simple shifts helped us reconnect.

    1. Reigniting Passion Through Novelty

    One of the first things we did was something simple but unexpectedly refreshing: We talked about what made us attracted to each other. I don’t mean the usual compliments but a real conversation about the things we loved, admired, and found endearing about one another.

    It felt strange at first—like a conversation we might have had in the early days of dating rather than years into marriage. But as we each shared what made us feel drawn to one another, it brought a sense of excitement back into our connection.

    Hearing my partner describe the little quirks and qualities they loved about me was like seeing myself through fresh eyes. It reminded me that attraction isn’t just about the initial spark but about the ways we keep noticing each other.

    Psychologists say that novelty can trigger the release of dopamine, the same brain chemical that floods our brains during those early, intense stages of love. For me, this little exercise felt like a reminder of why we fell for each other in the first place.

    Since that conversation, we’ve made it a habit to try new things together—whether it’s a different recipe, a walk in a new part of town, or even a conversation about something we’ve never discussed before. These little moments of novelty keep things exciting, reminding me that sometimes, all it takes is a fresh perspective to bring back the thrill.

    2. Seeing Each Other in a New Light

    One evening, we decided to make a simple dessert together, but we turned it into something a bit more intentional. We dimmed the lights, put on some music, and treated the experience like a date night. At first, it seemed like an ordinary thing to do, but the way we slowed down, paid attention, and enjoyed the process made it feel special. Without our usual distractions, I found myself noticing things about my partner I hadn’t appreciated in a while—their laugh, their patience, the way they enjoyed small details.

    It’s funny how easily routine can make us forget the qualities that first made us fall in love. That evening, I felt like I was seeing my partner with fresh eyes. It reminded me that relationships are not only about supporting each other through life’s responsibilities but about genuinely enjoying each other’s company. After that night, I found myself feeling more connected, holding onto those little things I had seen in them that night, like a renewed spark in our relationship.

    3. Building Connection Through Silent Presence

    One of the most surprising experiences was the time we spent just sitting in silence, holding hands, and focusing on our breathing. We’d decided to try it as a way to calm down after a busy week, but it turned out to be a much deeper experience than I expected. In that quiet moment, without any words or expectations, I felt a connection with my partner that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

    At first, it felt strange—like I was supposed to be doing something, saying something. But as I settled into the silence, I realized that sometimes, just being present together is enough.

    This kind of non-verbal connection has become a powerful part of our relationship. It showed me that we don’t always need to communicate through words or actions; sometimes, just being fully present can say more than anything. This experience taught us to find peace together, even when the world outside feels busy and overwhelming.

    4. Rediscovering Vulnerability Through Playfulness

    One of the most fun moments came when we decided to share some of our most embarrassing stories with each other—things we hadn’t talked about in years. We laughed so hard that night, feeling a kind of lightheartedness that was rare amidst our usual routine. It was like peeling back layers and remembering the silly, imperfect parts of ourselves we don’t usually show.

    Sharing these vulnerable, sometimes awkward moments brought us closer. Studies show that vulnerability can strengthen trust in relationships, and that night, I realized that it’s not only deep conversations that build intimacy but shared laughter, too.

    That lightheartedness brought a fresh sense of joy into our relationship, reminding me of how much fun we have together when we let go of the serious sides of ourselves.

    5. Finding Calm Together in Nature

    One of the most grounding experiences we’ve tried together has been spending time outdoors without any real agenda. We decided to take a walk in nature one day, moving slowly, letting ourselves relax, and just talking (or not talking) as we went along. It was peaceful, freeing, and a perfect escape from our busy lives.

    Being outside, away from everything, reminded me of the simple joy of just being in each other’s presence. Studies show that spending time in nature lowers stress and increases well-being, and sharing that time with someone you love amplifies the effect. After that walk, I felt calmer and more connected. I realized how powerful it is to break away from our usual environment and share a quiet experience in a place where the world feels a little slower.

    Final Thoughts: Rediscovering Each Other Through New Experiences

    These experiences taught me that novelty doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or expensive trips. Often, it’s the small, intentional changes that bring the biggest rewards. By stepping out of our comfort zone in little ways, we found ourselves rediscovering each other and reconnecting in ways I didn’t think possible.

    Trying new things together isn’t just about keeping boredom at bay; it’s about creating shared memories, strengthening your bond, and reminding each other of the excitement that brought you together.

    So, if you’re feeling a little too comfortable in your relationship, take a small step outside the usual. Try something different, have a conversation you’ve never had, and see what it does. Sometimes, all it takes to reconnect is a willingness to explore each other from a fresh perspective.

  • 7 Tips to Help Soothe Your Separation Anxiety

    7 Tips to Help Soothe Your Separation Anxiety

    “A little space, time, and distance can often be just what a relationship needs to bloom at its best.” ~Karen Salmansohn 

    If you feel insecure in your relationships, there are many scenarios that can activate your anxious attachment; however, there is one trigger that can throw you abruptly into a state of despair and sheer panic.

    That is the experience or threat of separation from the person you are currently attached to.

    That lingering uncertainty when you don’t know when you will see your love interest next, when your partner tells you they have booked a weekend away, or when you receive the dreaded text that they need to postpone your date.

    You’re suddenly flooded with images of them meeting someone new (someone “better” than you), thoughts that they don’t care about seeing you, worries that they are mad at you, feelings of being left out and not important to them, and deep concern that you will be left alone.

    It happens without warning; a day that was going seemingly well takes a turn that hits you so hard you are unable to function or focus.

    I know for me, there have been times when I didn’t recognize myself in these moments. It felt like I had left my body. I could no longer engage in conversation or think about the task at hand.

    In hindsight, I see clearly that I was highjacked by fear of what this separation meant about me and/or the relationship. The goal in those moments was to feel okay again, and the only way that was going to happen was if I could establish contact and “save” myself from the possibility of history repeating itself and being left. It’s almost like I didn’t care about anything else.

    Perhaps the most confusing aspect of this is the inner conflict that happens. Despite the negative predictions about your relationship, there is a part of you, deep down, that knows you are okay and that this is not the end of the world.

    This is especially true if you have dedicated time to “the work” and healing. Despite this knowing, when your anxiety is activated, getting a hold of yourself feels nearly impossible; your relationship stress outweighs any logic.

    In a sense, it feels like you have “lost” yourself.

    Before I was aware of my insecurity and anxious attachment style, I would act out in ways that later left me feeling full of embarrassment, guilt, and shame.

    Sometimes I would find any reason to text (and over-text). There were times when I would start a fight or try to seduce them, other times I would withdraw and give the silent treatment, and there have been times when I would check my phone constantly in the hope it would magically lead to them reaching out.

    I was trying to establish that same contact, without directly saying what I needed or desired. These behaviors are common for the anxiously attached and are known as “protest behaviors.”

    A sudden change of plans can be a significant trigger for separation anxiety to kick in. I remember any time my ex-partner would text to say he was coming home later, or that he was going for spontaneous drinks, I would immediately become upset. We would wind up in a familiar argument, them unable to understand the problem and me unable to explain (unless you count the accusation that they didn’t care about me or our relationship).

    Another challenge is when your partner announces they are going away. You become convinced they will cheat and meet someone new. For me, I would deal with this in two ways: one, constantly seek reassurance from my partner and ask non-stop questions, or two, be full of dread and upset until the time came for the event in question.

    Finally, another common scenario is during the early stages of dating when you don’t know if or when you are seeing your date again. Your mind is in constant overdrive and the fun is being sucked out of dating. You are in full detective mode—looking for red flags, seeking advice, questioning their motives, stalking the girl in their latest social media post, wondering how they are spending their weekend, and asking why they haven’t asked you out again.

    While I have listed some examples of how the threat of separation can activate your anxious attachment, I know there are many more, and I deeply understand how out of control it can feel, no matter what self-soothing techniques you have picked up along the way.

    As someone who continues to work on healing my anxious attachment, I have seen a huge, positive change in how I respond to these triggers, so I am confident change is possible.

    It is the greatest feeling when I can share my partner’s joy about the exciting plans they have that do not include me.

    I am going to give some useful tips that can soothe separation anxiety. These are strategies I use to this day:

    1. Know that separation is a common trigger and name it.

    Knowing separation is a huge factor that influences anxious attachment supports you in remembering you are not alone, and you are not “crazy.” When you are in the moment and feeling triggered, take a moment to acknowledge that separation could be a contributing factor.  The act of naming and identifying what is happening can release a fraction of the tension and create some space for you to think a little more clearly and feel a little lighter.

    2. Resist the urge to believe, justify, or figure out your thoughts when activated. 

    Once you have recognized that separation is part of the concern, I encourage you to repeatedly tell yourself that right now your thoughts and mental images are most likely unreliable and products of the past.

    You can make a pact with yourself that no matter how convincing your thoughts are, you will not judge the other person or make decisions while you are activated. You can trust that when you are regulated again, you will be more in touch with your intuition to decide how you really feel and what steps you should take.

    3. Keep in mind that time will pass, and this won’t always be a problem. 

    Part of the issue is that time can be distorted when your anxious attachment is activated. Three hours can feel like three days or three seconds. It’s important to re-build your relationship with time. This situation is going to play out and time will pass with or without your intervention.

    When you experience a sense of urgency and find yourself speeding up, this is a time to slow down by taking deep breaths. When you feel numb and dissociated, this is a time to speed up by becoming physically active. Both options are giving you a better chance of returning to your body and the present moment.

    4. Befriend your physical sensations. 

    Whether it be shallow breathing, nausea, shaking, thumping heart, or overwhelming lethargy, your physical reaction is sending a message that this is serious, and you are in need. To be with these sensations, without judgment, is healing. You can then change your conditions (breathing, temperature, activity) to reduce your physical symptoms, create more ease, and take back some control. This is a case of going inward to self-regulate before you go outward to co-regulate.

    5. Co-regulate when you have the space to express yourself without demand.

    You may have questions and desire some reassurance. It is okay to seek support from others, including your attachment figure. Many people will deny themselves this strategy for fear of being needy or too much, so remember, it is reasonable to have a voice. It is best to communicate from a space where you can express yourself without demand or expectations. Therefore, it is recommended to self-regulate before you co-regulate.

    6. Imagine how you’d like to feel in your relationship.

    Allow yourself to explore how you would love for you and your partner to feel in your relationship. Imagine how good it could feel if your relationship was a safe and supportive place for both people. Imagine how space allows you to miss each other and grow a healthier bond. Cultivate that feeling and revel in it; you will then be more likely to call on your imagination and this feeling when activated—again, giving you a bit more space to move from away from the reactive state.

    7. Regularly visualize greeting and separating. 

    In relationships it is normal to regularly say hello and goodbye; however, the goodbye can bring up “stuck” energy for the anxious attached. Parting ways can cultivate lots of fear, memories, and concerns. It is useful to “train” yourself to feel more okay about the flow of separating and parting ways. One way to do this is to regularly imagine yourself greeting and saying goodbye to an attachment figure or someone you love.

    —

    Above is a partial list of tips to feel more secure with separation. It can be overwhelming to know where to start, so pick the one that speaks to your heart and start there. You do not have to change everything at once.

    I acknowledge that these tips do not stop negative predictions from coming true; however, they do hugely ease separation anxiety so you can experience more security and joy in the right relationships.

    I want to leave you with the knowledge that there was a time where I thought I was broken and self-soothing just didn’t work for me. That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just change didn’t happen at the fast pace I wanted it to. Maybe you can relate? The thing with anxious attachment is that we need to slow down despite everything in us feeling like it needs to go fast.

  • Why Highly Sensitive People Make Amazing Life Partners

    Why Highly Sensitive People Make Amazing Life Partners

    “Our relationships are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Looking back at my life I see that all of my romantic relationships up until now suffered because I didn’t recognize or value my sensitivity.

    For much of my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I was too quiet, too shy, not interesting enough in group settings, too easily hurt, too easily overwhelmed and stressed. I judged myself for being irritable when I didn’t feel rested. I was easily bored with surface conversation and craved deep intimacy, but thought maybe that was silly and unrealistic.

    For years, all of this made my love life challenging and downright difficult to navigate.

    Though I did find a good match in my first husband, eventually my own self-contempt and inability to accept and honor of my own qualities—the guilt and shame I walked around with much of the time—along with my lack of insight into how to work with my trait, led to my first marriage’s demise.

    My ex had the exact same experience within himself (I happen to know this because we are still wonderful friends). As you may have guessed, we’re both highly sensitive people (HSPs).

    HSPs often reject themselves, as my ex and I did. When we don’t understand our trait well enough, we tend to not value ourselves.

    This is not a surprise, really, because our culture doesn’t yet fully recognize and celebrate us for our strengths—it actually does the opposite—so why would we know how to value ourselves?

    The heart of most relationship problems for everyone—HSPs and non-HSPs alike—lies in a sense of insufficiency on some level. To have thriving, loving, healthy relationships we need to deeply love and accept ourselves.

    It took me some hard lessons and some real courageous work on myself, but now I am so proud of who I am, and my partnership reflects that health. I have a joy-filled, fun, deep, lovingly connected relationship with the man of my dreams.

    When I look at what enabled me to feel so sure of myself as a wonderful person and wife, I know the key was learning to see, appreciate, and honor my sensitivity.

    Because we HSPs are amazing. We make the very best partners when we take our well-being seriously, rid ourselves of our insecurity, and feel deep down good about ourselves.

    I’ve made it my mission to help other HSPs accept and nurture their trait so they can have the relationship they really want. I want you to see your own value and beauty!

    Here are some of the many ways you make an amazing partner, when you are healthy, centered, and honor your trait:

    ~You are naturally conscientious, compassionate, and very caring, so you are great at being supportive or loving when your partner needs it. You want the best for them. They feel and appreciate this.

    ~You are aware of your partner’s feelings and subtly attuned to what they’re experiencing (almost as if you can read their mind, sometimes before they can!). You easily pick up on their subtle cues, which helps them feel understood and cared for. With good skills in place, this ability can also help de-escalate conflict quickly, keeping your relationship harmonious.

    ~You see the best in others, even the subtle beauty and goodness that others easily miss, and you believe in that part of them strongly. Because of this you can draw out your partner’s gifts and be a great source of confidence building and affirmation for them. They will feel very loved.

    ~Your love of meaning and beauty in all forms enriches your partner’s life. You point out and expose them to beauty and depth they may have missed otherwise (including their own inner beauty).

    ~You are loyal, great at listening, creative, and dynamic. You are complex. This makes you a fascinating and safe person to spend one’s life with.

    ~You experience love and joy intensely, as well as other positive emotions. You are full of life and share that with your partner.

    ~You are a loving, calming, grounding presence. You emanate this to your partner and it nourishes them.

    ~Though it can take a long time to make choices, you are so thorough and intuitive, when you finally do reach a decision it’s usually a good one that benefits both you and your partner.

    ~You reflect and work things out inside yourself at length. This can lead to great self-awareness, which can enhance your ability to grow and flourish in your relationship, especially as you learn to be honest and open with your partner.

    ~You like to process what’s going on in your relationship and get to the heart of the matter with your partner, which you do well because you are deeply insightful. This helps you both better understand yourselves and your relationship.

    ~You have a knack for seeing the big picture—all sides of the coin. This gives you strength and perseverance to work through things when relationship challenges arise.

    ~You thrive on depth and complexity. In a love relationship this means you will be dedicated and willing to work hard at creating truly meaningful connection, making it more likely to have a rich and healthy committed relationship!

    See how amazing you are? I could go on and on…

    You really are worth celebrating and loving deeply. Right now, pause for a moment and just take that in. Let it fill you with a sense of pride. Let it touch and start to wash away old pains of not being good enough.

    It’s essential to believe in ourselves. We must do this so thoroughly that we can honestly look at and accept the less ideal parts of our trait, as well. From there we can muster the courage and commitment to address those more challenging aspects and work with them wisely.

    Otherwise, we risk bringing out our worst side: someone who can be grumpy, judgmental, intolerant, demanding, anxiety riddled, resentful, picky, needy—someone our partner needs to walk on eggshells around, which is a death sentence for intimacy.

    When we do honor and manage it well, we show up beautifully.

    I interviewed my husband one day about what he loves about me. As you see, most of what he said has a big connection to my sensitivity:

    “With you I feel so cared for, seen, and loved for who I am. I feel you really get me. You are so kind, loving, and caring; you sparkle with life. You are so compassionate.  I’m in awe about how deep we can go in conversation and how in tune we can feel. Life is so meaningful with you, and being with you makes me not just want to grow into a better and better person, but to really do what it takes to actually do so.”

    I feel so much love. The tenacity and effort it took to get here was more than worth it. I would do it over and over if I needed to. Because, as an HSP, being in such a flourishing, deeply loving relationship is so fulfilling.

    **This post was originally published in February, 2019.

  • Why Strong Chemistry Doesn’t Always Lead to a Strong Relationship

    Why Strong Chemistry Doesn’t Always Lead to a Strong Relationship

    “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ~C.G. Jung 

    Everyone says it. They say chemistry is a must. I know I say it. But why do we say this?  What exactly is chemistry, and is it really the best indicator of a good partner?

    The man I had the most chemistry with (we’ll call him Tim) treated me like an option and was never particularly concerned with my needs, desires, or feelings.

    I remember the day I met him, and he opened the door and flashed his ear-to-ear grin. I literally said to myself, “FML, this guy is going to break my heart.” Despite knowing he would, and despite his treatment, I stayed with him in a long-distance, off-and-on relationship for two and a half years. Oh, and yes, he did break my heart.

    Not only have I done this once, but I’ve done it SIX times!

    Why did I place my feelings for him and my desire to be with him over my own sanity, my security, and my needs? Why do we do it over and over again? Why do we value chemistry over caring?

    What is Chemistry?

    According to anthropologist Helen Fischer, chemistry is really a mixture of hormones (testosterone and estrogen) and neurotransmitters (dopamine and serotonin). In her book Why We Love, she lays out a framework indicating there are four distinct personality types, each made up of varying degrees of hormones and neurotransmitters.

    The Four Personality Types

    • The Explorer, defined by high dopamine activity, is adventurous, novelty-seeking, creative
    • The Builder, with high serotonin activity, is cautious, conventional, managerial
    • The Director, pumped up with testosterone, is aggressive, single-minded, analytical
    • The Negotiator, more estrogen-influenced, is empathetic, idealistic, a big-picture thinker

    But, underlying this biological chemistry is a psychological chemistry, which is when we are seeking out someone to heal the damage done in our childhood. This chemistry is where our problems come in.

    Most of the time we don’t know that we are drawing this parental figure toward us in some quest to get them to do things right by us this time, thereby fixing our wounded hearts. Sometimes we know it, but we keep moving forward anyway.

    With Tim I knew immediately. I felt his avoidance and his emotional unavailability. My intuition told me to run the minute I met him. Unfortunately, my hormones, my soul, and my heart told me otherwise, and I continued a pattern of push and pull, love and disdain for over two years.

    With all of my other boyfriends and even my husband, it wasn’t so obvious. Some it showed up later and some were worse than others. But I felt an immediate connection with every single one of them and went from being single to being in a relationship within a matter of days.

    So, Is It All Or Nothing?

    Not once did I take the time to determine how they treated me. Not once did I take the time to observe their behaviors and their willingness to meet my needs. I let chemistry and my feelings toward them override common sense.

    This isn’t to say they are to blame or that they were bad guys, because they weren’t. My childhood issues were running the show and have been since I can remember.

    Every one of them had the same characteristics. They were all kind, honest, good guys. But none of them seemed to care about my needs as much as their own. Life was all about their wants, needs, and desires, and I was supposed to just accept it. Unfortunately, I did accept it. I took it for as long as I could until I eventually left.

    However, this is not a healthy way to interact in a relationship. I was at fault for settling and not speaking my mind and discussing my needs. I suppose I felt that I was lucky to get their crumbs, and if they said they loved me that should have been enough. It wasn’t.

    There was always an underlying chemistry with all of them that kept me there and kept me trying. One night while I was separated from my husband, he spent the night after we went out to dinner. I remember lying there next to him. My body craved being physically next to him, but I kept looking over at him and thought to myself, “I really don’t like you very much.”

    Chemistry can override our common sense, and it can keep us with someone who isn’t right for us or doesn’t treat us well. Chemistry can be the most amazing thing on the planet. The highs you get are amazing. Unfortunately, the lows that can also come with it are very low. So, what do you do?

    Moving Forward

    I’ve come to realize that as of right now I am always going to be chemically attracted to someone who has a little bit of an avoidant personality. Emotional ambivalence feels safe and normal to me at first. It feels like love and it feels like home. Unfortunately, that type of love is not at all fulfilling as an adult, and I have to figure out how to rewire my brain.

    I’m not a doctor or a therapist, but I know myself and I think I’m fairly smart. What I think needs to be done going forward is to examine my choices more carefully before diving in.

    Almost all dating experts will tell you the same thing: Relationships are built on mutual trust, intimacy, and how each partner is willing to meet the other’s needs.

    If you haven’t heard of the famous study by John Gottman, here is a quick recap. They put couples in a room together and let them interact. They followed them over the years and came to this one conclusion: Every person turns toward their partner in an effort to make an emotional connection. They called these needs bids.

    They found that the couples that were happiest and that remained married met their partner’s emotional bids eighty percent (80%) of the time.

    Gottman identified nine separate emotional bids that include:

    1. Attention
    2. Interest
    3. Affection
    4. Extended conversation
    5. Emotional support
    6. Humor
    7. Enthusiastic engagement
    8. Play
    9. Self-disclosure

    What does this have to do with moving forward and with choosing a partner based on caring instead of chemistry? It means you have to observe them. Don’t rush in. Don’t choose someone just because you like them so much or you have chemistry with them.

    When you reach out in an attempt to make a connection, how does your partner respond? Do they respond to your bid or move away from it? It doesn’t matter whether they do it consciously or subconsciously; what matters is how they respond.

    Of course, it’s your responsibility to communicate your needs, desires, and wants, and if you fail to do this, you can’t blame it all on your partner. But, if you have and they still fail to meet your bids, then your relationship is likely doomed to fail.

    Choices

    It’s irrelevant if the person you choose has the physical appearance, job, sense of humor, ethics, or personality that you covet and are attracted to. If they fail to meet your bids for emotional connection, you will end up miserable and it won’t work. Period.

    So, take some time to write down what it is that you need in a partner. What are your non-negotiables? This should not really include things like height or hair color or body type.

    Non-negotiables are things like:

    • Honesty
    • Considers my needs as well as their own
    • Hard Working
    • Not selfish
    • Makes me laugh
    • Able to communicate their needs
    • Wants children/doesn’t want children
    • Accepts the fact that I get super fussy when I’m tired and doesn’t make me feel bad about it
    • Listens to me

    This is a basic list of some things to consider. Before you invest time dating you need to invest time in yourself. Figure out what you can and cannot do without. Write down three to five of your non-negotiables and stick by them.

    I’m not saying it will be easy to do this. The heart wants what it wants and chemistry can be a powerful force. Maybe this is what we all should think about if we keep choosing chemistry over caring.

    **This post was originally published in February, 2017.

  • What to Do If You’re Single and Feel Like You’re Missing Out

    What to Do If You’re Single and Feel Like You’re Missing Out

    “Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.” ~Mandy Hale

    Going to weddings alone, with no plus-one to take along with you. Watching the couples dance, thinking, “Will there ever come a time when that is me on the dance floor?” Going on holidays alone, with no partner to share memories with. Listening to stories of friends’ weekends away, as a reminder of just how solitary your own weekends are. If you are anything like me, you might recognize these signs of single life.

    “Will my situation and circumstances ever change?” I’d think as I struggled to fall asleep at night. I’d hold a pillow as a source of comfort, yet this too disappeared in the morning, when I woke up alone to face the day.

    Many single people think like this, yet rarely voice these thoughts. But sometimes we hit a turning point when we start to see everything differently—and then start to act differently.

    The turning point for me came one Saturday morning. After I had gotten dressed and ready, I sat down on a chair next to my bed. A photo of a couple friends was in front of me. They were on holiday, with smiles on their faces, standing under a bright blue sky with a clear blue sea behind them.

    As I looked at this picture of serenity and happiness, I had a sinking, empty feeling in my stomach. I thought, “God, will that ever be me?” I looked down in front of me and felt a sense of despair, worried about what my future held but paralyzed as to what I could do about it.

    At that moment I thought, “Enough.” I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of watching the world go by. I was tired of the sad thoughts going around in my head like goldfish in a fishbowl.

    I asked myself then, “What do I have to be upset about?” I had a roof over my head, clothes on my body, and food in my mouth. That’s not to say it’s not normal to long for companionship when you’re single; it’s just that I had focused so much on what was wrong with my life that I hadn’t focused on what was right about my life. And I’d also focused on what was wrong with myself—as if there must have been something wrong for me to be single for so long.

    Until I became my own cheerleader, how could I expect others to start cheering for me? I decided then and there to take action. If I wasn’t happy with myself, I had to go out and change, and do things to change. Not just daydream and hope life would turn around by itself.

    So, what did I do?

    I’ve worked on enjoying my single life more and joined some dating apps to “get in the ring.” The results have proven mixed. Like with all things in life, there are good days and bad days. But on the whole, it’s been a positive experience because I’ve met some great people in my search for the person who ‘gets me.’

    I’ve realized we can only experience true happiness in life if we focus on ourselves instead of waiting for others to focus on us. People can join us for our stories, but we cannot expect them to complete our stories for us. We make our own paths in life. Walking on paths well-trodden will never be as satisfying as carving paths of our own, however rocky or imperfect they may be.

    So, what helped me move ahead? Here are four things that may help you:

    1. Work on loving yourself and your life.

    Work on yourself before trying to attract somebody else. As a natural result of working on yourself you will exude a glow of confidence. Your zest for life will radiate from your face, and you will naturally look and feel better to others.

    Work on developing positivity in your life. Embrace what you have, not what you wish you had or what your neighbor has. Read more, study more, travel more. Exercise for twenty minutes a day, try cooking one new dish a week, read or watch something every day that inspires you.

    Why should people get to know you? Evaluate the qualities you like about yourself and sing your own praises in your head each time you doubt how worthy you are.

    2. Be proactive.

    Join a few dating apps, take a few chances, take the time to connect with people. Bumble and Hinge are easy to use. You’ll meet new people and engage a new mindset.

    Get active and make the effort to swipe for a few minutes each day. What’s more, enjoy the process. Look beyond the photos. Recognize that there is a whole person behind the photo if you are willing to give that person a chance. Look for the gold in the profiles.

    3. Pay more compliments.

    If you see something you like on a profile, don’t be afraid to say it. You could make somebody’s day with your words. It costs nothing and it could provide just the lift they need. And the beauty of giving compliments is that you’ll likely get some in return—things people may have thought but otherwise not shared if you hadn’t gone first—which can help radically build your self-confidence.

    4. Focus on achieving one big goal a month.

    Write down twelve goals for each of the twelve months in the year. Buy a paper diary and write down how you are going to fill your time for the next week. Do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. The person you seek should not compensate for all the things you are not; they should be an extension of all the things that you are. The more you live life, the more life you will have to share with a significant other.

    Review your progress once a week. Ask yourself, are you making too much time for people that do not have the time for you? Ruthlessly discard the things that don’t make you happy (people, pursuits, things) and selfishly embrace the things that do. Be generous with others and selfish with yourself.

    So, in summary, what can you do to improve your dating life?

    Treat yourself with the care you would treat a friend, broaden your mind and your approach when using dating apps, compliment freely, and give yourself one big thing to look forward to each month.

    True happiness in life can only be experienced when we focus on inside joy, not when we look for external fixes. Invite people into your life to join your life story, not to build your life story. Be your own cheerleader first to allow others to cheer for you.

  • What Hurts Us the Most in Unhealthy and Unloving Relationships

    What Hurts Us the Most in Unhealthy and Unloving Relationships

    “Once we make our relationship choices in an adult way, a prospective partner who is unavailable, nonreciprocal, or not open to processing feelings and issues, becomes, by these very facts, unappealing. Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us.” ~David Ricco

    One thing I particularly love is caring about someone and loving them. Being able to do so gives me a great sense of connection, satisfaction, and purpose. It’s fulfilling, life-enhancing, and simply feels wonderful.

    All my life I’ve chased relationships so that I could get the love I need. But I used to struggle with choosing suitable partners.

    For my dreams to become a reality, I needed to choose partners who also wanted what I wanted. I needed people who also wanted to care and love someone—preferably me—and create a life together.

    Instead, I chose emotionally unavailable people who either did not know how to create emotional connections or who simply didn’t want them.

    And so, my dreams never became reality. What I experienced instead were highly distressing and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

    I felt devastated that I wasn’t loved the way I wanted to be loved. I felt unliked and unwanted.

    I may have been in a relationship, but I was, most certainly, alone. My ultimate nightmare. My deepest fear.

    After way too many years in hopeless relationships, I had a huge insight that completely transformed my life and my experience of relationships.

    And all of a sudden it dawned on me…

    My pain in these relationships didn’t come from them not loving me. It came from me not loving them. It came from me loving them less and less with every unloving experience we had together.

    In the beginning of the relationship, the positive, excited, and loving thoughts and feelings I had about them felt wonderful. I enjoyed imagining all the happy and fun times we’d have together. I was excited in their presence because I anticipated passion and intimacy.

    And then none of that happened.

    I felt crushed and disappointed, and yet, I kept soldiering on, wishing that they would change. I was hoping that I could earn their love and finally get the love I had been craving all my life.

    But it didn’t happen.

    Instead, I was called names, lied to, cheated on, dismissed, invalidated, shamed, rejected, and ignored.

    And, without realizing it at the time because I felt too heartbroken about the way my partners behaved toward me, I stopped loving them. These experiences chipped away at my love, hope, and trust, and eventually, I stopped caring.

    I went numb.

    I lived my life and got by just fine on the outside, but there was a void within me. A quiet and hopeless state of surrender threaded through my days, months, and years.

    Until my insight about where my feelings were coming from, I had always believed that my pain was caused by my uncaring and neglectful partners.

    I hadn’t realized that I wasn’t giving myself an opportunity to care and love for someone the way I wanted to by staying with people who clearly weren’t interested in creating healthy and intimate relationships.

    I was staying with partners for whom I had lost all respect, certainly didn’t love anymore, and also no longer cared for. I used to think that I still cared, but I know now that I mistook guilt for care.

    I was so preoccupied with them not loving me that I didn’t even realize that I no longer loved them. And so I stayed. I stayed while being trapped in my codependent conditioning. And if it hadn’t been for my powerful insight, I probably would have continued that soul-destroying relationship pattern.

    Freeing myself from that pattern has allowed me to figure out what I want and then make appropriate choices that enable me to get it.

    I now know that I need to choose people who make it easy for me to love them, and that doesn’t mean that we need to agree on everything and never have arguments. It means that they value and respect the bond we have. It means that together, we keep it safe so we can continue to love and care freely.

    Since then I have created healthy and fulfilling relationships—not just with others but especially with myself, something I had never even wanted in the past but that has been completely transformational for me, my emotional well-being, and surprisingly, for my relationships too.

    I now share my codependency insights so others can free themselves from their codependent conditioning too by having their own realizations and insights. Because that is the only way to finally get the love you need.

  • Do You Accept Your Partner’s Attempts to Repair?

    Do You Accept Your Partner’s Attempts to Repair?

    “I am not fully healed, I am not fully wise, I am still on my way. What matters is that I am moving forward.” ~Yung Pueblo

    According to Dr. John Gottman, PhD, successful repair attempts are a “happy couple’s secret weapon.”

    An attempt to repair is when our partner makes a mistake and then makes an attempt to fix it in their own way.

    Their attempt may look very different than what we may want, and we may be tempted to react negatively, but we have a choice to catch ourselves and consciously choose a different response.

    That’s part of our work in creating a loving partnership, releasing and surrendering the need to control. Allowing our partner to love and express love in their own way instead of demanding it our way only. Being open and strong on the inside so we can be soft and loving on the outside.

    I remember many times where my husband acted annoyed with me, or responded critically to something I said or did.

    He would at times catch himself and try to soften his language or “make up” for his knee-jerk reaction.

    I often wouldn’t get a direct apology.

    I would see, through his next actions, that he was aware of his tone, and that he was trying to self-adjust to come from a more loving place.

    That was often not good enough for me though.

    I wouldn’t accept his attempt to repair.

    I was so scared and insecure on the inside that I was overly strong and indignant on the outside.

    I would point out how critical or rude he was and make him bad or wrong.

    I would choose to feel right and justified over loved and happy.

    That’s because I wanted to be loved my way only.

    That meant he had to apologize using his words, often very specific words, in order for me to feel satisfied that he felt bad enough.

    I completely set him up to fail since I was so inflexible on what being loved had to look like for me.

    This will never lead to a loving, open, safe, and trusting relationship.

    If we can be open to our partner’s attempts at making repairs from the beginning, we are setting ourselves up to feel loved, connected, and trusted by them as things continue to move forward.

    If we are repairing a long-term relationship, as we start allowing them to love us and fix things in their own way, we are rebuilding a beautiful foundation.

    How To Accept Attempts At Repairing

    1. Notice your partner’s effort.

    Notice your partner’s attempt to right their wrong, and choose to put your focus there. If they did something that’s petty or not worth a lot of energy, gracefully move on.

    This means showing warmth and gratitude, and letting them know, through your words or body language, that you authentically appreciate their effort and self-adjustment.

    It means allowing yourself to accept and receive, while appreciating the way they tried to repair and do better. Your receptive energy then invites them to do more from a place of love.

    2. Show appreciation for their efforts.

    When we focus on what we want, and acknowledge it with gratitude, we generally attract more of it!

    The same principle applies in reverse: When we focus on what we don’t want, we often attract more of that.

    When I was healing my relationship with my husband, I started to really bring my attention to all of his attempts to diffuse and repair.

    There was an incident where we were preparing dinner together, and he snapped at me when I misunderstood something he said. He quickly caught himself and self-adjusted by stating in a kind and respectful tone what it was he wanted.

    Instead of staying focused on his first attempt, and choosing to make him bad or wrong, I brought my attention to his effort to repair. I thanked him for noticing this within himself and adjusting it. I let him know that I appreciated his effort and how he self-corrected to show up in a loving way.

    Shifting my focus in this way immediately puts me in a more loving space and softens me. It feels good to shift my focus to noticing that he’s trying in his own way. And when I say thank you instead of staying stuck in my anger or annoyance, this inspires him to step up and hear me in a way he wasn’t capable of before.

    3. Assume the best in your partner.

    If you just started dating, remember that a potential partner doesn’t need to earn your trust if they haven’t done anything wrong.

    If you’re repairing a broken relationship, you want to make sure you aren’t living in the past waiting for past disappointments and hurts to repeat themselves.

    When we assume the best in our partner, we tend to get the best of them.

    That’s because we’re energetically conveying trust.

    Oftentimes, the more our partner feels trusted, the more they hear and support us because they don’t want to betray our trust.

    If we convey that we don’t trust them, they’ll likely feel hurt and then shut down, and may even create a self-fulfilling prophecy by betraying our trust.

    4. Communicate what you need in a way they can hear.

    The other side of accepting our partners’ attempts to repair is communicating what helps us move forward after a “wrong.” It doesn’t have to be black and white. We can simultaneously appreciate their efforts and also let them know what helps us feel safe, valued, and respected.

    If we’ve acknowledged our partner’s attempts at repairing by responding with warmth instead of anger, they’ll likely be more open to hearing what we need because they won’t feel defensive. The opportunity for connection and intimacy deepens, even in times of conflict.

    The best way I’ve found to communicate our needs is by using “I” statements—after a heated moment has passed.

    If you appreciate direct acknowledgement after being snapped at, you might say, “I know everyone snaps in moments of stress. When I’m spoken to that way, I feel bad about myself and disconnected from you. I would love for us both to have awareness around this, so we can catch it, acknowledge it, and support each other better moving forward.”

    They may not always remember to do specifically what you’ve asked, and in those moments you can recognize and appreciate that they’re trying, in their own way, to make things right. But if you share your needs without undertones of accusation and defensiveness, without making them bad or wrong, they’re more likely to honor your needs as best as they know how.

    —

    Really, what this all comes down to is consciously choosing love over the need to be right or have the final say, which is a powerful way to reconnect a relationship. I have seen the beauty in this act of surrender, as when we choose to love from this perspective, we inspire a deeper healing within the relationship.

  • What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love

    What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love

    “Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.” ~Unknown

    There we were on a Saturday afternoon doing such benign things as running errands at Costco, Trader Joes, and the post office. Excitement galore.

    Yet, it would be a day I came to a major realization, understanding something I already knew in theory but wasn’t putting into practice.

    Here’s the realization: Mind reading in relationships leads to confusion, resentment, frustration, and name-calling.

    I’m not talking about psychic mind reading either! I’m referring to the kind of mind reading that you likely do every day, all the time, likely without even realizing it.

    Mind reading is when you assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling without direct evidence. In other words, you’re assuming their thoughts, beliefs, and intentions (and you’re usually assuming the worst).

    Big mistake.

    What Does Mind Reading Look Like?

    Here’s an example from the day I mentioned at the start of the post: We went to Costco and got a few things, and I asked him if he wanted to grab some sushi for lunch after. “Nope. I’m good” was his reply.

    “Hmmm. Well, thanks for asking me if I’m hungry,” I thought to myself. At this point I was sort of simmering in my own irritation but trying not to think about it.

    I’ve been battling this theory in my mind that no one really cares about me or my needs at all and that everyone else on the planet is selfish twit.

    So, another twenty minutes went by and he said, “We can go grab something small to eat if you want.”

    Cool! I was starving. That red bull on an empty stomach sure didn’t help.

    We needed to drop off the stuff at home first. As I was putting our groceries in the fridge, I pulled out two leftover sausages and threw them up on the counter to dump in the trash. We needed room and they looked icky.

    He immediately grabbed the sausage and a plate and started cutting them into pieces.

    I was mortified and pissed. What the hell????

    All I could think to myself is, “He doesn’t care about me or if I’m hungry. He’s hungry, so he’s going to eat and he’s going to do what he wants like he always does. Jerk.”

    My mind leapt right to it. I went right to assuming bad intentions and to assuming he doesn’t care about me or my needs. Quite a leap from him eating two sausages, I know.

    But instead of saying, “I’m hungry. I thought we were going to go eat. What’s up?” I yelled at him and blurted out, “It seems like you don’t care about me and the fact that I’m hungry, and you’re going to do what you want and you only care about yourself and you’re being a selfish jerk.”

    Oooops.

    What’s the Truth?

    His response was to look at me like a deer in headlights because he had absolutely no idea what I was getting so mad about, why I was yelling, or why he was suddenly a selfish jerk.

    At first, I was happy with myself. I had told him my feelings, right? I had stood up for myself. I had told him how I felt instead of pretending I wasn’t mad and always letting everything be okay. This was good, right?

    Actually, no, it wasn’t good.

    I had to stomp around for a while and simmer down, but as time went on, I realized we needed to resolve the issue, so I calmly asked him if he understood why I was upset.

    Of course, he didn’t. I tried to explain my side and where I was coming from and how my feelings were hurt by his insensitivity, but as he kept talking, I concluded that the issue wasn’t him being selfish. The issue was that I misunderstood him. I assumed he was being selfish. I inferred negative behavior toward him when all he wanted was a sausage.

    The truth is he thought I was putting the sausage up there for him to eat. He would eat the two sausage, still be hungry, and then we’d go have lunch. No harm. No foul.

    The poor guy thought he was doing what I wanted him to do and instead I called him names. My bad.

    I realized that my natural inclination to think that people are out to get me (which stems from childhood sexual abuse) is a problem, and that it’s my job to curtail this problem and stop acting out on it. I may feel a certain way, but that doesn’t make those feelings true.

    I need to be more careful about assuming the worst in my partner, and I need to be better at communicating my feelings more effectively (that’s an entirely different post).

    What to Do Instead of Assuming the Worst

    If you can relate to my story, first, you should try to remember that most people have good intentions. We all act to increase pleasure and avoid pain, and very few people go out with the intention to hurt you. Even when people do hurt you, they are likely still acting with good intentions for themselves rather than bad intention toward you.

    This doesn’t mean you put up with an abuser or a toxic relationship. It means when you are in a relationship with someone who cares but doesn’t always get it right according to your grand plan of the way the world should be, you stop assuming their intentions (especially if they’re negative), you give them the benefit of the doubt, and when in doubt, you ask.

    If you go around assuming the worst about your partner, you’ll get the worst.

    If you assume your partner doesn’t care about you, then you’ll end up with someone who doesn’t care about you.

    If you assume you know what your partner is thinking, think again.

    If you assume your partner knows what you’re thinking, think again.

    We go around assuming everyone else lives in our model of the world, and that’s just ridiculous. You have your childhood, your life experiences, your intelligence, your beliefs, and your emotional make-up, and everyone else has theirs.

    What we need is more compassion and understanding, and less mind reading and negativity.

    The truth is our entire argument (one-sided though it was) was based on a miscommunication and misunderstanding of the facts in evidence. The only true facts were 1. I put sausage out on the counter and 2. He started cutting up the sausage.

    Everything else was a complete assumption on my part.

    So, think about it next time you get upset with your partner. Do the facts support your belief(s), or are you assuming you know how they feel or why they’re acting the way they are? Are you assuming the worst of them, or are you assured that they care but maybe just suck at showing it the way you expect it?

    Only you have the power to control your thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Only you can seek to create a harmonious rather than a contentious relationship.

  • How to Fight Well in Your Relationship

    How to Fight Well in Your Relationship

    “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” ~Rumi

    I had one of those really intense arguments with my partner recently, and it made me realize the importance of knowing how to fight well in a relationship.

    That might sound like an oxymoron, but there isn’t a relationship I know of where the couple doesn’t fall out at one point or another. Fights can make or break a relationship. That’s why it’s important you know how to fight well—because the success of any relationship isn’t based on how well you manage the good times but on how well you can deal with the bad.

    Basically, it’s about how well you can learn to fight.

    Learning to fight well is important because it can help bring up lots of hidden stuff that’s been lying dormant for years; it enables you to be really honest with each other, which helps you develop deeper levels of trust; and studies have shown that learning to fight well can even improve the intimacy in your relationship.

    But back to our fight.

    It all started when I was out at friend’s house and lost track of the time. My partner and I had agreed to spend some quality time together that evening, and when I noticed the time, my heart sank. I knew she would be upset as I made the difficult call home, and yep, I was right. She was livid. We then descended into a really uncomfortable argument of blame and counter blame, with a bit of defensiveness thrown in for good measure.

    Criticism and defensiveness are two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, as highlighted by renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They noticed these two traits are highly correlated to relationships that lead to breakup and divorce.

    Whenever my partner and I would have our worst arguments these two traits would always be present, and this time was no different.

    That’s why becoming more aware of how you fight can help you avoid relationship Armageddon and instead increase the trust, safety, and love in your relationship. To help with this here are seven key steps to follow when you feel as if you’re descending into another one of those earth shattering fights:

    1. Upgrade your language.

    Some arguments can help grow the relationship and develop greater levels of trust and intimacy between both parties. Other arguments are the opposite; they create a hierarchy and a power struggle, which diminishes respect, trust, and love.

    If we rewind to the start of our arguments we can predict to some extent their “success” by the language that started them and whether it was “hard” or “soft.”

    Hard language starts with generic hyperbole like “You always…” or “Why do you never…” or “I knew that you would…” Soft language uses “I” statements and focuses on the actions that took place, how they made us feel, and what we want to happen.

    My partner’s language that day was very “hard.” She criticized me and I immediately became defensive as the original story in my head started to change in response to her accusations. The firm agreement I knew we’d made became a tentative expectation in my mind. My lateness was no longer my responsibility but my friend’s, who had been delayed preparing food. Bit by bit I retold the story of what had happened and made myself into a victim of my circumstances instead of the owner that I really was.

    The language used at the start of our exchange influenced my response and how the subsequent argument progressed.

    The Gottman Institute reported that they can predict with 94% accuracy how a discussion will end based on the language used to start it. The softer and kinder our words, the less defensive we become, meaning we are more open to taking responsibility and creating connection instead of disconnection.

    A key principle to help with this is to use language to complain but don’t blame.

    2. Create space.

    Luckily, I had a one-hour drive home to work out what had happened and to get some perspective following our argument. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was a crucial period because I used it to work through what had happened, and there’s no way we could have achieved such a good outcome without the time this gave us.

    I’ve learned that it’s wise to agree in advance to call a “timeout” or “press pause” before arguments begin. In the past I’ve attempted to call a timeout to create the space to calm down, but this has only made matters worse.

    My partner and I now have an agreement that if either of us needs to call a timeout in an argument the other will respect the request. It can be infuriating at the time, but arguing when you are in a low mood or heightened sense of emotion is never going to assist your dialogue. Therefore, it’s important to create space as much as you can.

     3. Safely express your emotions.

    On that drive home the first thing I did was shout and scream about what had happened. My inner child had a field day as I moaned and complained to my imaginary passengers about what she’d said and how wrong she was. It was fantastic, and a very cathartic way to clear the negative energy and emotions I was holding on to around the conversation.

    When we had the initial phone call I went into a stress response as my body became flooded with cortisol, and my heart rate went through the roof. Expressing my emotions and doing lots of deep breathing on the way home helped me flush the cortisol out of my body and return it to its original state. Without doing this I would have taken those negative emotions and feelings into the resumption of the fight on my return home.

    The intense emotions we have during a fight form a negative filter through which we see the relationship. There’s not much our partners can say that we won’t interpret the wrong way when we come from this place. That’s why it’s so important to clear the filter and express your emotions as best you can.

    It’s important to make sure that you find somewhere safe to do this, however. Doing it next to your partner won’t go down well, so get out of the house and find somewhere to express your emotions as cleanly and safely as possible so you don’t take it into your next fight,

    4. What if…?

    Once I’d let go of the emotions I started to calm down, and it was only then that I realized I could let go of the story I’d been telling myself. It was at this point I decided to tell myself a new story that started with “What if…”

    “What if she had a point?”

    “What if I wasn’t being honest with myself?”

    “What if I wasn’t taking responsibility for something?”

    This provided a new lens through which to see the situation. With my strong emotions now expressed it was like a fog had been lifted, and I could see the situation from a new vantage point. This new perspective allowed me to completely shift my thinking on what had happened and relinquish my grip on the version of events I had concocted to help deal with my partner’s “hard” response.

    5. Take responsibility.

    From that simple question I realized that there was plenty I could take responsibility for, that I was ignoring based on my initial triggered response. I was shocked because once I found one thing, I found another, and another. By the end, I could take responsibility for almost all of what happened.

    It would have been easier to take responsibility for either nothing (be stubborn) or everything (be a people-pleaser). But the more honest I was with myself, the more I could distinguish between what was mine and what was not.

    For example, we had made a clear agreement about what time I would get back. I knew the food was going to be late, so I could have explained to my friends and left without eating. I knew I didn’t have a watch, so I could have checked on the time from somewhere else.

    Previously I’d been telling myself the story that I needed in order to ensure I wasn’t in the wrong and to protect the scared little boy inside myself that was upset at being made to feel bad.

    This also helped me to realize what I was not prepared to take responsibility for. I was being accused of some things that weren’t right. In fights we easily turn critiques about our actions into criticisms of our character. So, for example, in this scenario I was late home because I didn’t prioritize my partner. This is a critique (and is true); however, a criticism would be that this action makes me a selfish person (not true).

    Taking ownership for what was mine helped me release responsibility for what was not. This helped me to feel much stronger and clearer in owning my part in the situation and how I communicated it to my partner, as a result.

    6. Respect your partner’s process.

    When I arrived home I was excited to share what I’d learned with my partner and imagined us having a great conversation about it. That didn’t happen because she was still really annoyed with me. I came through the door with this great insight and awareness about the argument and how and why I’d behaved as I had. However, I was met with stonewalling.

    I’d used the journey home to vent and express my feelings, so the emotions in me had subsided. However, my partner had been sat at home the whole time stewing and making matters bigger and badder in her head, so we were in very different places. She still needed to express those emotions and get them out of her system before she was able to communicate with me in a productive way, and I needed to create space for her to do that.

    That was really tough because I realized I was in one place (emotionally and physically expressed, and now ready to take responsibility for what was mine), whereas she was somewhere else (still emotional and not ready for a rational conversation).

    7. Create the “container.”

    Fights often get out of control when you are both full of emotion and expressing it from a place of fear. The most important thing missing in most fights is a safe space within which to share and be heard

    When my partner and I fight we often fight for space to be heard as much as we argue about whatever the fight appeared to be about. Most fights are secret battles for power in the relationship and not really about whatever started them.

    To fight well requires one of you to have enough presence, away from your emotions, to create a safe space (or the “container”) within which to have the conversation.

    Once my partner’s emotions had calmed I asked if she was okay to have a conversation about what had happened because I wanted to share with her some things I wanted to take responsibility for. She agreed, and we were then able to have that conversation where I took responsibility for what was mine and we discussed what was not for me to take.

    I found that leading and taking responsibility for what was mine made her more trusting in me, which added to the safety we’d developed in creating the “container.” This made her much more understanding and able to take responsibility for what was hers.

    It really helped me when she said the simple words “I was wrong to say you were selfish.” I felt validated, which helped further develop the trust we had for each other.

    She would never have been able to admit that if we’d not created the sufficient safety for us both to be honest with each other.

    —

    This certainly wasn’t an easy conversation, but it would never have been possible if we hadn’t taken steps to create some space to express our emotions, take responsibility for what was ours, and then create a safe environment within which to discuss it.

    I learned that it’s not what we fight about but how we fight that’s most important.

  • When the Euphoria Fades: Dealing with the Highs and Lows of Love

    When the Euphoria Fades: Dealing with the Highs and Lows of Love

    “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

    When we fall in love, we feel excited to experience some of the most joyful moments of our lives. Because love is supposed to be the source of the best feelings, right? But what about when that relationship churns up some hard stuff and leaves you feeling hurt, annoyed, sad, and irate?

    For many of us, especially deep-feelers like me, when we start to experience these inevitable lows in our relationship, we may conclude that something is inherently wrong with it.

    But what if that assumption is just smoke and mirrors? What if it is preventing you from truly experiencing the real love you crave?

    Believing something is wrong with your relationship might, tragically, lead you to conclude that the relationship has failed and should be ended, even though it’s actually pretty healthy and promising.

    “I’ve been annoyed with him a lot lately,” and, “We just haven’t been connecting much” are common complaints I hear from people I talk with. Followed frequently by the sentence of doom, “Maybe I made a mistake by marrying him.” “Maybe they aren’t meant for me.”

    I’ve made that same jump of reason in the past. Multiple times in my twenties, I ended relationships full of potential because bad feelings were arising more often than I thought they should. I thought it meant something was wrong with him or with us.

    Being someone who is highly attuned to what I feel, I have always taken my feelings really seriously. When I feel bad, I feel really bad. And when things feel, well, blah, I feel that deeply, too.

    As had been my norm in past relationships, when my partner and I began to get over those hormone-stoked, bursting-with-love early months of our relationship, I started to feel moments when things didn’t feel “good” anymore. When it all felt “dull.” When he wasn’t behaving how I thought he ought to. When we weren’t “connecting” like I thought we should.

    Like I had done in the past, I could have taken this as a sign that something was wrong with our relationship, and that he was the wrong man for me.

    But I was gifted with a powerful secret that changed everything at a relationship workshop we had attended together to preemptively deal with the normal stuff that sabotages great relationships (we were committed to this relationship thriving): This dullness was normal and healthy.

    What?

    As I let the power of this one mental shift sink in, and marinated in the subtleties of what it meant, my relationship began to full-on thrive—and continues to years later.

    My hope is that it can change your relationship for the better, too.

    Let’s Investigate This Further

    Imagine your emotional life as a spectrum from terrible to wonderful, with neutral in the middle. It is completely normal to spend one-third of the time on the negative side of the emotional spectrum, one-third on the positive, and one-third in a neutral state.

    When we believe that love should always feel good, we often experience the neutral times as less-than good, which we interpret to mean bad. We turn “okay” into “bad” and “bad” into “terrible.”

    This is especially true for sensitive souls like me, because we feel things so deeply: anything less than positive registers as uncomfortable, or negative.

    When I realized that two-thirds of the time it is absolutely normal to not feel “good” when it comes to my love life, I felt immense relief.

    It means that there is nothing wrong with my experience. It means I can stop feeling upset that I’m upset, or mad when things are just okay. I can stop feeling so disappointed when I feel unhappy, dull, irritated, sad, or confused.

    I now see that it’s the measuring of my experience against some ideal and unrealistic standard that feels so extra bad. It’s my resistance to what I am actually experiencing that feels terrible.

    So now I say, so what if I feel a bit of discomfort, or things are a little dull inside me, or between my man and me? So what if I am experiencing numbness or just okay-ness? I can just let it be what it is, knowing that it is normal and healthy, and it will change soon anyway.

    I’m not suggesting we tolerate abuse or mistreatment for any percentage of time; just that it’s normal to not always feel head-over-heels in love and blissfully happy.

    One of the biggest benefits of “embracing neutrality,” as I call it, is that my joy is amplified during the times my partner and I are really connecting well. How could I even know what good was if I never felt it’s opposite?

    Contrast is the truth of life. Contrast is part of our humanity. To have a rich love life, embracing all our feelings is the only healthy path. Because, as we allow it all, we fall deeper in love with life, and everyone in it.

    Though my life is filled with the same amount of sad, annoyed, frustrated, bland, and ho-hum moments as ever, the way I experience them has entirely changed: so much softer, so much less agonizing.

    And as I have practiced being accepting of the neutral times, I’ve actually begun to appreciate them more. When I welcome neutrality, the ho-hum moments almost start to feel good, too. That means I now feel more good feelings than bad ones, by far.

    If you’d like to recognize and get comfortable with feeling less-than-great so you can avoid ruining a good thing, here are a few tips:

    1. Use gentle awareness and be really honest with yourself.

    When you notice you are feeling less-than-great (just less-than-great for your first few times, not terrible), get curious about what you are really sensing. Feel your emotions. Notice what physical sensations are there. Do you feel constriction? Or openness? Or a vague sense of nothing?

    2. Assess your feelings.

    Rate this body-feeling on a scale from one to ten, ten being the best you could feel, five being neutral, one being terrible.

    3. If you rate below a six, really investigate with curiosity how that feels in your body.

    Allow it to be as it is. Notice that it isn’t a problem to not feel good. It’s just a bunch of interesting sensations. Even unhappiness isn’t so bad when you look at it with gentle curiosity. You are safe to experience what you feel.

    When you do this a few times a day you will expand your capacity to tolerate discomfort. You may even realize that you can actually enjoy your significant other’s imperfect behaviors and human quirks that were bothersome in the past.

    Like the nights he is mentally absorbed by a work issue and acts distant. The times he says, “uh-huh” before you even finished what you were saying, as if he wasn’t really paying attention. When he picks his nose in public…

    Because most of us, let’s be honest here, are a far cry from perfect. No one will ever truly fulfill and delight you all the time.

    That is actually your job, not your partner’s! It is your work to drop the expectations, comparisons, judgments, fears, and beliefs that are interfering with the health of your relationship and to learn to care for the normal, bland, day-to-day humanness of your sweetie.

    Because if you don’t embrace the dull times, you are much more likely to lose the whole glorious package by rejecting your experience and your partner a majority of the time.

    When I notice I’m resisting feeling dull or I’m a bit uncomfortable about something going on in my relationship, I now use this powerful affirmation to remind me that discomfort is simply part of being a human in love: “My relationship is most authentically and deeply loving when I allow the seasons of my heart to come and go, experiencing them all with presence and acceptance.”

    If you embrace neutrality like I have, instead of believing it means something has gone wrong, the neutral times become like a glass half full (instead of half empty). The good times become rich and wonderful. And those truly hard moments? They are simply reminders of how delightful the good times actually are, and reinforce their joy.

  • 8 Tips So You Don’t Lose Yourself In Your Next Relationship

    8 Tips So You Don’t Lose Yourself In Your Next Relationship

    “Never lose yourself in a relationship. Love your partner fiercely, but always follow your unique dreams and desires. Be true to yourself.” ~Unknown

    All my previous relationships drained me.

    Not only because I was with the wrong men and kept trying to make things work where there was no way, but also because I was a queen of justifying, accommodating, and compromising.

    I accommodated men because I wanted to be liked and avoid rejection.

    I justified their lousy behavior because I wanted to be in a relationship and not be alone.

    I compromised on my values and romantic ideals just to have someone in my life.

    On the surface, I was an independent woman, strong, fierce, and full of energy and opinions.

    When it came to relationships, I’d lose my power and myself completely in them.

    I would become a meek mouse with no voice or opinions. I would put my boyfriend’s needs first and ignore mine. I would keep quiet about how I felt. I wouldn’t question things.

    It took me a few love attempts and ten years of random dating to recognize my unhealthy patterns.

    Firstly, I was subconsciously copying the behavior of my mum, who needed to survive with my despotic dad in a very turbulent relationship. I didn’t know any better until I learned the hard way.

    Secondly, I didn’t feel worthy of love. I didn’t feel like I was good enough for anyone. I was afraid to be myself, as I didn’t feel like I had much to offer.

    Thirdly, I wasn’t happy with myself and my life and I believed a relationship would change that, so my desire to be in one was pretty strong.

    These patterns made me feel and act like I was desperate for love. So, once I landed myself a boyfriend, I’d do anything to please him and keep him in my life.

    I would be a cheerful giver. I would take all the responsibility for the relationship on my own shoulders. I would make my men’s life easier by doing things for them and sometimes against myself. I would accommodate their busy schedules, moods, and issues. I would help them improve their self-esteem and lifestyle so they’d feel happier within. I would completely disappear in my relationships.

    Everything in my relationships was about the men. They became my main focus and the most important thing in my life.

    I would abandon myself. I would give up my friends, my passions, and my dreams. I would lose my own identity in the name of love. My main priority was to keep them happy so I could keep the relationships.

    But even all the crazy giving and accommodating wouldn’t keep dysfunctional relationships going. So, when it came to an end, I would have nothing left to give.

    Every split left me feeling empty. It almost felt like a little part of me died after every relationship.

    I didn’t know who I was anymore because I was focusing so heavily on the relationship that I’d completely neglect myself.

    It didn’t feel healthy at all.

    When I started to become more aware of my patterns and how harmful they were to me and my love life, I made some promises to myself.

    1. The relationship with myself comes first

    2. A man will never be more important to me than I am to myself

    3. I will always love myself more than any man in my life

    Although they might sound a bit harsh, these rules have served me and my relationship amazingly well so far.

    The truth is, your relationship with yourself is the most important one in your life. Also, it is the foundation of any other relationship, so it makes sense to prioritize and nurture it.

    If you love someone else more than yourself, you will always compromise too much, ignore the red flags, get hurt, and lose yourself in your relationships.

    You can’t love in a healthy way unless you love yourself first. Also, the love for yourself will help you set stronger boundaries in relationships, protect yourself, and find the courage to walk away from any relationship that doesn’t serve you.

    Along with these promises, I also made a decision that I wanted to create something different in my love life. I wanted to create a healthy and happy relationship, unlike the one my parents had and the ones I’d had in the past.

    To do that, I needed to become someone different. Not really a different person, but become braver and more authentic in my relationships. Otherwise, what is the point?

    I needed to start speaking my mind, expressing my feelings, and asking for what I wanted. I simply needed to become more vulnerable in my relationships.

    Firstly, I took a break from dating and focused on becoming happier and stronger.

    Secondly, when I found the right person, I had some new rules in place to support myself in staying strong in my relationship. I didn’t want to lose myself in a relationship again. Because, to be honest, losing yourself is far more painful than losing a relationship. And it will take you forever to find your strength, dignity, and truth again.

    Here are some things I did differently, before and after getting into a new relationship, that you can do too to make sure you don’t lose yourself.

    Establish a strong foundation while you are single.

    We lose ourselves in relationships because we don’t feel worthy of love and our boundaries are weak. When you love yourself, you know how you want to feel and be in your next relationship. You also set healthy boundaries, which prevents you from losing your identity in a relationship.

    How do you start loving yourself? Here are three tips you can implement straightaway.

    1. Start every day by asking yourself: What do I need today? How can I be loving with myself today? Follow the answers, as they will help you be more loving and respectful of yourself.

    2. Operate from a loving, compassionate place within yourself. Choose people, situations, and things in your life that serve you and don’t harm you. Honor your own needs and feelings. Be kind to yourself. Stop judging yourself. Set some powerful boundaries to protect your time and energy. Become your own cheerleader. Listen to your own intuition.

    3. Change your priorities. You come first, everything else comes after. Choose yourself. Make your own wellbeing a priority. Put yourself first when you can. Make yourself important in your own life. Stop people pleasing. You matter!

    When you start following the path of self-love you will start showing up differently in your life and your relationships.

    Know who you are.

    Know your needs. Know your desires. Know your dreams. Know your values. Know your priorities. Know yourself basically. This knowledge will prevent you from compromising too much in a relationship. Your strong sense of self will help you stick to what is truly important to you. This will give you a sense of security, which comes from within and not from your relationship.

    I have two little exercises that will help you get to know and understand yourself and your needs better.

    1. Create a list of your current needs. Grab a piece of paper and create four columns. Title each column: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. Take your time and explore what you need in these four categories to feel fulfilled.

    2. Write down your top five to ten priorities. These are the things that are important to you that you’d like to focus on right now. List them in order of importance.

    These exercises will give you a stronger direction in life and help you explore what is truly important to you. It makes sense to revisit them occasionally, since things will likely change over time. Your needs will be different a few months down the line. Your priorities will be different, as we are always growing and evolving. The goal isn’t to define yourself in rigid terms, but to understand what you need and want at this point in your life.

    Have strong boundaries.

    Know your non-negotiables in relationships. Things you won’t tolerate. Things you don’t want to compromise on. Things you don’t want in your relationship. And communicate them so your partner knows and respects your limits.

    Healthy boundaries will make you feel stronger and more empowered in your next relationship. If you don’t honor your boundaries, you will feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and drained. Healthy boundaries prevent you from losing yourself in love.

    Have your own friends.

    It’s very easy to get infatuated in a new relationship, get all loved up and forget about the whole world outside. As much as it’s a natural part of every new relationship, don’t forget about your friends. Schedule regular time with them. They’ve been your rock and a sounding board many times, and can be now as well. Don’t limit your life just to your new partner. You need some other perspective.

    Have your own life.

    Just because you are in a relationship that doesn’t mean you need to give up the things you love doing—even if you feel tempted, especially at the beginning when things are exciting, and you want to spend as much time with the person as possible. It’s important to maintain your normal routine as you can.

    Make time for the things you love doing. Make them your priority because they contribute to your happiness, so they are just as important as your relationship. Keep some hobbies you only do on your own or with people other than your partner. Plan some time every week when you do things separately. Schedule solo dates. Cultivate a spiritual practice. Stick to your exercise routine.

    Doing things on your own will help you stay connected to yourself and cultivate a sense of self. It will also keep your relationship fresh. No relationship can fulfill all your needs and desires. That is why you need different things in your life, apart from your relationship, to keep you growing and expanding in new directions. Also, the time you spend on your own will help you nurture the relationship with yourself and keep your independence.

    Stay true to yourself.

    Don’t suddenly change who you are for someone else. For example, don’t suddenly pretend you’re a football lover just because your boyfriend likes football or don’t force yourself to do shopping with your girlfriend just to please her. Be honest with yourself and communicate what you like and what you don’t with your partner.

    Also, make some independent decisions. You don’t need to consult your partner about every single decision. Express your opinions. Share your thoughts. Speak your mind. Tell them how you feel. All of these will help your partner to understand you better.

    Communicate openly.

    Talk about how you feel. Talk about what isn’t working for you. Talk about what you like and dislike. Even tell your new partner that you are afraid of losing yourself in the relationship again. I did and my partner supported me in trying to maintain my own identity. Honest and open communication will only bring your closer. You can only improve a relationship when you know what is not working. So, talk openly!

    Stop the over giving and accommodating.

    Over giving usually comes from not seeing your own value and seeking approval. We believe the more we give, the more love we will get back from our partner. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. In the long run, it is a sure way to increase resentment and feel taken for granted. And resentment is one of the factors that determines the happiness and longevity of the relationship. So, when you over give, you don’t only risk losing yourself in the relationship but also losing the relationship.

    —

    Reflect back on your relationships. How you felt, how you compromised, how you betrayed yourself. Our previous relationships can give us a huge amount of knowledge about ourselves. So, look at the mistakes you have made in the past and learn from them.

    Decide what you don’t want to repeat and what you want to do differently in your next relationship. Commit to staying strong and true to yourself. Set the rules which you are going to follow once you meet someone—you can use the ones I created for myself or create your own!

    Healthy relationships are created by two strong and complete individuals who can exist without each other.

    Healthy relationships are free of co-dependency.

    Healthy relationships start from a healthy relationship with yourself. The stronger your relationship with yourself, the lesser the possibility that you will lose the sense of self in your next relationship.

    You can build strong foundations now by getting to know yourself, exploring life on your own, and establishing habits which make you happy.

    When you feel strong within and when you meet the right person, you will stay grounded throughout the first phase of dating and have a better judgment.

    You will keep a strong identity, make better romantic choices, and avoid heartache.

  • Why I’ve Upgraded to a Drama-Free Relationship

    Why I’ve Upgraded to a Drama-Free Relationship

    “Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.” ~Unknown

    I used to think that true love should be passionate and intense. When someone broke up with me or treated me poorly, I’d imagine that he really didn’t mean it. Surely he was really a good person and truly loved me, but was just “going through something” or “needed space.” Eventually he’d be back with tears, apologies, and flowers.

    I’d like to say I outgrew this tendency by the age of, well, maybe forty, but the fact is I didn’t.

    Instead, I carried a torch for a recently divorced man, who couldn’t stick around for more than eight weeks at a time, for more than a year. Each time he returned, he’d tell me how much he missed me and how much I meant to him, and I loved to hear it.

    Before him, I took well over a year off from dating anyone seriously because my ex-boyfriend might decide he wanted me back, and he called every month or so to check in. When he did this, I’d get thrown straight back into the drama of it all and second-guess my decision to end our relationship. After all, he said he loved me.

    And the man before that, well, you get the idea.

    This was all very exciting compared to my life at the office. It was very distracting as well. I’d spend hours googling self-help blogs and texting my girlfriends with the latest updates on “the guy” instead of doing my work.

    Let’s face it, relationship drama can pull you right in. It demands your attention immediately. It’s so intense to get a text in the middle of the night or to navigate the ups and downs of a stormy relationship. On again, off again, always waiting for a call or text. Will he or won’t he? Will you or won’t you?

    We modern humans no longer live in caves or have life and death struggles on a regular basis. Most of us live fairly routine lives in comfortable homes and have our physical needs met. Sometimes, you can get addicted to drama because it gives you a buzz of excitement that a regular old nine-to-five lifestyle just can’t.

    A shot of adrenaline can help us wake up to life and get motivated. Things like climbing a mountain, signing up for a triathlon, or a tight deadline help us get fired up.

    Taking on a new challenge from time to time can help us feel like we’re going somewhere in life. If we don’t do this, regular doses of relationship drama can provide a distraction. An unstable relationship may be exciting at first, but it can eventually become draining.

    A turbulent relationship can sap your energy and your confidence. You never quite know where you stand with this person, and it wears down your sense of stability and security. It can bleed into the rest of your life and damage your other relationships, your career, or even your health.

    If you’re involved in a troubled relationship, it can be all-encompassing. It’s also very tempting to adopt the role of the savior because you get to be the “together” person, the responsible one.

    If you’ve been living on a steady diet of relationship drama, it’s time for a reality check. Ask yourself how this situation is serving you. Blaming the other person and hoping that they will change isn’t helpful, because you’re the one who’s tolerating these circumstances in your life.

    Being willing to accept responsibility for the situation you’re in is the first step to a more fulfilling love life.

    Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have. Take some time and journal about it. How do you want to feel? What is your day-to-day experience like? Is that kind of relationship possible with the person you’re with (or considering) now? Not when or if they finally change. Now.

    When I asked myself these questions, I saw that I wanted to be loved and to feel safe. I wanted to know that my significant other was “all in” with me, not halfway out the door. I came to recognize that I wasn’t choosing men who were willing to have this kind of relationship with me.

    I also realized that once I discovered that this was the case with a particular person, I was very reluctant to let him go. Instead, I’d hang on for far too long in the hopes that things would get better, which they never did.

    Once you’ve considered these questions for yourself, consider what changes you’ll need to make in order to have the kind of relationship you want.

    I came to understand that I’d have to give up the idea that drama was an indicator of true love. The kinds of relationships that I previously would have considered “boring” were, in fact, desirable. I found more healthy ways of adding excitement to my life.

    The man I married is dependable and reliable. I can always count on him to keep his promises and I know he adores me. I couldn’t be happier.

    From our very first conversation on, I never had any doubts or had to wait for him to change or “come around”. He made his feelings for me very clear from the get-go and I always knew where I stood with him.

    I always feel safe with him and we go hiking and mountain climbing instead of breaking up every few weeks.

    If you really want to have a fulfilling relationship, then it’s time to make choices that are consistent with your desire. This can be difficult, because people often consider drama an indicator of love or passion, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

    You can choose to see drama for what it is, an indicator of an unstable relationship. Once you do this, commit to dating people who are capable of having a healthy relationship.

    Doing these things will drastically increase your chances of having a fulfilling relationship.

  • 4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

    4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

    Senior couple walking on the beach

    “To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.“ ~T. Tolis

    Relationships are not always easy. If you lack the tools to engage properly with a partner and cannot show up in a healthy way, you will find your relationship is ten times harder and most likely prone to failure.

    I wish I had known these things when I first started dating, as it would have made my life much easier.

    If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must know the following:

    1. How to communicate effectively

    My first love and I were together for four years, and our relationship failed because we could not communicate. I didn’t know how to express myself effectively, and I blamed him for all our problems. I never stopped to think about my part in everything and how I was failing to meet his needs.

    One of the major obstacles couples face, if not the major obstacle, is the ability to communicate properly. I don’t mean talk. I mean communicate. What we often fail to realize is that we talk at each other rather than listening and hearing and trying to understand. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can communicate.

    Communicating means you understand are able to express your needs in a way that can be understood by your partner, and that you try your hardest to understand them and their needs.

    Next time you are with your partner and they are talking, try listening. Sit and listen, and do not try to think of the next thing you are going to say or how you are going to contradict what they are saying. When people feel heard they will be more open to listening to what you have to say.

    If you cannot understand or refuse to try to understand what your partner needs because you are too focused on getting your point across and making sure you are understood, then you are talking and not communicating.

    Do you and your partner talk at each other? Do you always feel the need to be right and win the argument? Even if you win the argument you could lose something much more valuable. Although you may be winning the battle, you will be losing the war.

    It is a known fact that men and women communicate differently. The sooner we all accept this the easier it will be to stop being so frustrated and learn to understand each other.

    Throughout history men and women have had to adapt differently, hence a difference in communication styles.

    Studies have shown that women are able to use both sides of their brains at the same time while men can only use one side at a time. Men are protectors and providers, and their mode of communication is silent problem solving, whereas women are nurturers and we have learned to cope through talking and sharing of experiences.

    There is so much that can be said on this topic, as it’s one of the main reasons relationships fail. Learning how to communicate with your partner will not only serve your relationship, but it will serve you in the workplace and in all human interactions.

    One of my favorite sayings is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

    A couple of great resources for anyone who wants to learn how to communicate within a couple are John Gray’s books Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus and Couple Skills.

    2. Your love language

    In 1995 Gary Chapman, PhD wrote a book asserting that there are five love languages. He insisted that if you and your partner speak different languages, there will be constant dissatisfaction and unhappiness in your relationship.

    If you are lucky enough to meet someone that has the same love language as you, then great! But, if you do not know your own language and it differs from your partner, how can they know how to make you happy, and vice versa?

    On the other hand, if you don’t know your partner’s love language, how can you make them happy? If theirs is touch and you don’t really like close physical contact, then you may not ever be a match.

    The Five Languages Are:

    Touch

    Some people feel love by being touched. If touch is your love language, you require pats on the back, holding hands, cuddling, and having someone in close proximity to you.

    Receiving Gifts

    Others feel loved by receiving gifts, and not necessarily Tiffany diamonds. Gifts can be flowers or simple tokens of affection, something that shows the person took the time to think about you and pick out or make a gift that you value.

    Quality Time

    If you want someone to give you their undivided attention (even if for short periods), then your love language is quality time. You crave for someone to listen to you, uninterrupted. No T.V. No Phone. You enjoy sharing activities together, and the very act of someone’s company and one-on-one interaction makes you happy.

    Acts of Service

    If you like it when your partner helps around the house because you are super busy, or washes your car or throws in a load of laundry, then Acts of Service is your love language.

    Words of Affirmation

    Everyone needs words of affirmation to some extent, but if you need to hear someone say, “I love you because you are so special” or something that affirms who you are, and if you are highly affected by insults, then words of affirmation is your love language.

    My last boyfriend’s love language was physical touch. Mine is quality time. I always tried to be there for him physically, whether it was holding his hand while he was driving, coming up behind him and giving him a hug while he was shaving, lying next to him, on the couch or even rubbing the back of his neck.

    The problem came in when I told him what my love language was and he had no desire to meet it. If your partner doesn’t care about loving you in a way that you need to be loved, not in the way they need to be loved, you are probably doomed.

    For more information and a test of your love language, you can go to: 5lovelanguages.com.

    3. Your attachment style

    There are three types of attachment. Attachment styles are thought to form from childhood based on parent-child interactions, and as we grow older they can seriously impact our relationships.

    There are studies that explain how the difference in attachment comes about including those performed by American psychologist Harry Harlow.

    One of his studies took baby monkeys away from the mothers soon after birth and placed them with “wire” or “cloth” mothers who gave them nourishment (they were able to feed from a bottle hanging on the side of the cage), but no physical touch, and therefore no nurturing.

    Some were given nourishment from the wire mother, and others were fed from the cloth mother. The study revealed that even if the wire mother was the only source of nourishment, they would cling more often to the cloth mother, which led to the theory that the need for closeness and affection is more than just nourishment or warmth.

    When these baby monkeys became adults, they exhibited strange behavioral patterns, including rocking back and forth. They also had completely abnormal sexual behaviors and misdirected aggression. They often would ignore their own babies until the point where the babies died.

    If you take these theories and apply them to humans, the secure individual would be the monkey that was raised by its normal mother and was given food, cuddling, and warmth. Their needs were met in all ways, and they developed into normal functioning monkeys.

    However, those monkeys that were taken away from the mothers and given only basic nourishment exhibited odd behaviors and were maladapted. By this theory, those of us who had parents who were present physically, but not emotionally, develop one of two attachment styles.

    Of course these styles can run on a continuum, so you can be more of one type than the other. The good news is these behavior patterns can be changed with time and effort and insight.

    Secure

    Secure individuals attached normally. They do not fear isolation or being away from their partner. They are not jealous or insecure. They are able to reason with their partner when differences arise and feel secure in their relationships.

    Over half of the population is considered secure in their attachment style (55-65%), and they will be less likely to be on the dating scene because they do not have emotional and internal conflict when dealing with others.

    Anxious

    Anxious individuals are insecure and distrustful of others. They live in a preoccupied state of push/pull and constantly seek validation from others. They are super sensitive to rejection and can become possessive or clingy causing their partner to push them away thereby reinforcing their distrust.

    Anxious individuals usually had parents who were inconsistent in their attention, behaviors, and affection, which is why they are anxious when a partner retreats, as it leads them to feelings of abandonment and fear.

    Avoidant

    Avoidant individuals do not seek closeness with others. They are emotionally distant with partners and often create a false persona to deal with the world. They are able to shut down their emotions quickly and will be quite ambivalent if you decide to leave them.

    Avoidant individuals usually had parents who were non-responsive, dismissive, and rejecting. They make up approximately 20-30% of the population.

    Unfortunately for the anxious type (as I am), they are often drawn to the avoidant. In general there will be more avoidants in the dating sphere because of their inability to attach, which means they cycle through relationships quickly and are back on the dating scene more than other types.

    I once dated an extremely avoidant man. It was exhausting even dating him. But, of course I loved him, and so I bent over backward to make it work. I constantly sought assurance. He constantly refused to give it.

    What this relationship taught me was how to calm my anxiousness internally. Since I knew he would never do it, I had to find a way to stop the crazy thoughts in my head, and eventually I did.

    There are also ways to learn to cope in a healthier manner if you are dating someone who is anxious or avoidant. A great resource is Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

    4. Your personality type

    Psychologists Myers and Briggs assert that there are sixteen personality types, which encompass all of human kind. However, some types are more prevalent than others.

    Knowing which personality type you have helps you to understand yourself and your partner. There are too many types to list here, but I can guarantee if you take the test and read the results, they will be spot on.

    Some personality types are a better fit than others, so why not add another tool to your arsenal? For example, studies have shown that extraverted women paired with introverted men are not a good match, and that partners who both share sensing or intuiting will be a better match.

    I’m an INFJ, which is the rarest of all personality types. Because of my intuition, I generally need another N (intuition) type, and I would not do well with an S (sensing) type. Generally, I prefer extraverted partners because I like a little balance to my introverted tendencies.

    Here is a free version.

    I believe that these four things are essential to having a happier, healthier relationship, and knowing them will help you understand yourself and your partner.

    If you don’t have a partner, knowing these tidbits of information will help you choose the right partner, not just any partner. The more you know about yourself and what your needs are, the better equipped you are to seek out a good match.

    Just remember that even if you don’t find your perfect match the first time, it could be because that person is in your life to teach you something, and let that be okay.

  • The Art of Being Happily Single

    The Art of Being Happily Single

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.

    I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.

    So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.

    I’m thirty-one and single!

    Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?

    Now what? Where to start?

    I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:

    “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

    Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.

    But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

    So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.

    In my research, I learned some important truths about being single: (more…)

  • Love Shows Up When You Do

    Love Shows Up When You Do

    Love

    “Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John de Paola

    After six months of being single after my divorce, I wanted to date again. I was still afraid of failure and rejection, but I wanted to try. I felt the best way to get over it was to dedicate my time to finding someone new.

    I didn’t know where to begin, but I knew I had a clearer understanding of what I wanted in a relationship. I definitely knew what I didn’t want in a relationship. I thought if I could just find someone with the right qualities, happiness would follow.

    I made a long list of qualities I desired in a man. I signed up on internet dating sites and asked friends to set me up on blind dates. I thought I could get what I wanted by playing the odds, like sending out 100 resumes for a job hoping one company would call back.

    I felt I had learned from my past mistakes and was impatient to find true love. Six months later, after a string of bad dates, I was no closer to finding the love I desired and the whiff of desperation seeped from my pores.

    I started to feel like maybe there really wasn’t anyone out there for me. So, I decided to stop chasing. I began to take care of myself. I decided to be the person I was looking for while at the same time, creating a way for the right man to find me.

    I decided to remove all the clutter from my home and my mind. I threw out boxes and bags of clothes and objects that represented the old me. I wrote daily gratitude lists and stopped thinking about what I didn’t have.

    I started going out to movies alone. I found new restaurants to try. I took long hikes in the woods.

    Once I took my focus off finding the right person, I started to find myself. I could sit for hours on my back porch reading a novel. I would buy myself chocolates and flowers for Valentine’s Day.

    Once I was providing for all of my own needs, I started to smile again. This wasn’t a race—it was my life. I intended to enjoy every moment of it, with or without someone by my side.

    Around this time, I started to think about finding some new friends. I lost half of my friends during my divorce. I was looking for positive people to hang out with that would be interested in the same things I liked to do.

    I started joining book clubs and meetup groups. I went to exercise classes and asked coworkers out for drinks. I started accepting invitations to parties.

    Meanwhile, I still meditated. I still read on the porch and I stopped looking at internet dating sites. I just wanted to have a good time and find some friendly people my age.

    I wasn’t having a lot of luck in the friend department, though. It seemed like I was in a strange age group. When I joined clubs, most of the members were either a decade older or younger than me.

    I wondered why no one my age seemed to go out. I reasoned they must be busy with parenting and working a lot like most people in their thirties and forties. I just wasn’t finding people my age.

    Then one day, sitting around the house doing absolutely nothing, I had an epiphany—I would start a group for people my age to meet and find friends!

    At the second meeting of my group, my future husband walked in the door. I knew I would marry him the second I saw him. And yes, he has most of the qualities on that original list.

    If you’re looking for love and feeling like time is running out, slow down. Breathe, go buy yourself some flowers, and stop trying so hard. Love comes to those who are at peace with who they are.

    Here are some tips for cultivating love while you wait for it to find you:

    1. If you build it, they will come.

    If you can’t find what you’re looking for, create a way for it to find you. I created a meetup group for people my age so I could meet friends in a casual atmosphere.

    2. Be the person you’re looking for.

    The best way to find love is to love you. Spend time exercising, meditating, and cultivating your self-esteem. When the right person does show up, a calm confidence will be far more attractive than fear and anxiety.

    3. Stop and smell the roses.

    It’s not a marathon. You’re looking for the best person to show up, not the first person to show up. When’s the last time you found someone who seemed panicked attractive?

    4. It’s okay to dine alone.

    Many people are afraid to do “couple” things alone. Try going to a play by yourself. You can really have a good time just enjoying your own company.

    Take action toward your dreams, but then step back and let those conditions manifest. Enjoy life and give yourself what you need instead of waiting for someone to give it to you. Meet each day with gratitude and joy in what you do have, and what you wish for will find its way to you.

    Love image via Shutterstock

  • How Our Attractions Can Help us Learn to Complete Ourselves

    How Our Attractions Can Help us Learn to Complete Ourselves

    strolling

    “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” ~H. Jackson Browne

    The first time I was stung with the notion of a soul mate, I was twelve years old. I had accompanied my mother to the wedding of a family friend. The church was blissful, the bride beautiful, and the way the groom looked at her had me thinking that one day this would be me.

    Almost instantly, I felt that I was already one half of the most beautiful love story, like a divine wave of love magically swept me into thinking that my soul mate, my proverbial “other half,” was waiting for me to find him so that we could live our lives together in wedded bliss.

    Of course, I was only twelve years old, which was just a little too young for that. But romantic dreams and fantasies soon followed, and they came and went as swiftly as two attractions I experienced as an adult.

    These attractions were powerful magnetic pulls, but unfortunately, the other thing they had in common was that both represented unattainable love. 

    It would have been impossible for these connections to transform into anything lasting. However, at their height, they lured me into a spiral of passion and longing for that sense of completeness that I thought only they could bring.

    The first of these attractions was to a man I met at the age of nineteen. A couple of years older than I, he was about to become an ordained priest and was in absolutely no position to be married to anyone but the church. Still, I was enchanted. He mesmerized me and piqued my interest in ways I didn’t understand.

    The second was with someone I met later. A free spirit who will, most likely, always want to make his life on the beach, he was not one for any type of commitment or responsibility. However, he liked me. And, I really liked him. To this day I feel happy to have met him.

    These men touched something in me, and each brought back my teenage belief in the existence of that proverbial “other half.” But both were also unavailable. If I would have actively pursued them, I would have dived into an emotional cesspool of heartache and drama. 

    So what was it then that made them so attractive? And why did they make me feel even fleetingly complete?

    I only found the answers to these questions later in life when I embarked on my journey back to Self.

    It was through meditation and self-reflection, imperative tools to my journey, that I slowly began to understand how these attractions were actually reflecting hidden parts of me.

    In other words, both these men in a way were indicative of my soul mate because they were pointing to parts of my true “other half,” my inner soul mate. They were pointing to aspects of my inner self. 

    As the first man touched upon, what was at the time, my underdeveloped spiritual side which held my need for prayer, meditation, and service to a higher power; the second man connected to another part of me—the part that was undisciplined, relaxed, and carefree, a part I always did my best to fight against.

    My heart and soul had picked up on something my brain couldn’t understand. These individuals were representing qualities within myself that needed my attention. 

    Through my journey, I learned a lot about these types of connections and, the more I did, the less I looked for anyone outside of myself to complete me.

    If you are struggling with a confusing attraction, unattainable love, or a complicated relationship that is causing you pain, yet you feel this person, in some way, completes you, I would take time out to self-reflect.

    Ask yourself what is pulling you the most toward this person.

    For instance, if the object of your attraction is a musician, could he or she be reflecting the musician in you? This is something you may wish to explore possibly through singing, learning how to play a musical instrument, or writing a song.

    If it’s not something musical, creative, or artistic, it could also be that they are pointing to an aspect of your sensuality—an underdeveloped inner energy like your inner masculine or inner feminine.

    For example, if you grew up in an aggressive environment where there wasn’t a compassionate, nurturing presence, and as a result, did not develop those qualities within yourself, you may be attracted to someone else who has them in spades simply because you’re seeking balance.

    When we meet someone and feel a magnetic pull toward them, their purpose in our life may not be one of romantic relationship or even one of deep or long lasting friendship. And, certainly, it does not mean they will or can ever possibly complete us.  

    Nevertheless, these types of attractions are important and magical because even when we don’t realize it, to varying degrees, we are seeing ourselves in another person.

    These attractions come into our lives to guide us. Each, in its own unique way, directs our attention to the parts of ourselves we need to see the most. Then, once seen, we begin to experience true completeness—that sense of wholeness that can only be found within.

    And it’s only when we’re already whole that we can feel complete in a relationship with someone else.

    Photo by Tony Hall

  • When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Tips for a Strong Relationship

    When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Tips for a Strong Relationship

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience and two people who truly want to be together.” ~JnK Davis

    My husband and I were going through a difficult time a few years ago. It felt like a pivotal time in our relationship. People say that marriage isn’t easy and you have your ups and downs. Well, we were definitely experiencing a low point.

    We had been together for several years; we had been high school sweethearts and were each other’s best friends.

    During this time we had several issues going on in our life, one of which was my husband being out of work, and suffering with anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-esteem and confidence as a result. Our relationship was in a bad place and we were being tested.

    We were not spending any quality time together, nor were we going out together as a couple (my husband didn’t want to face anyone, including friends and family).

    We didn’t feel like each other’s friends, let alone the lovers and best friends we had grown to be. At times we even felt like strangers—or even worse, each other’s enemies. We were forever fighting, bickering, and whining at each other.

    After a lot of heartache and many heated arguments, we realized we could no longer go on like this. When we stopped to analyze the situation, we asked ourselves several questions:

    Did we still love each other? Did we still want to be married? Had everything changed so much that we just couldn’t work things out?

    Once we decided we wanted to be in our marriage, we each made a commitment to start treating each other differently.

    We hoped that, with a new perspective and our mutual love and respect for each other, we could start working together and make the change we so desperately needed. We hoped that a change in attitude and behavior would salvage our marriage.

    The following four elements became very critical in our relationship and led to us saving our marriage, as well as making it stronger for the future.

    1. Communication.

    During this rough period we stopped communicating clearly. It’s funny how, as human beings, we withdraw from each other when there is a sign of trouble or misunderstanding.

    We decided to consciously work on our communication. We spoke in “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

    We expressed how we felt rather than blaming a situation on the other person. “I” statements work because they show how you feel, whereas “you” statements create a sense of accusation and blame.

    This helped us be open with how we felt, stopped us from shutting each out, and allowed us to talk about our issues in a productive and efficient way.

    2. Appreciation.

    We were feeling a lot of resentment toward each other, and not feeling loved and appreciated, so we put in place a daily appreciation diary. Keeping a personal gratitude journal is a great asset; it makes you focus on the positive in your life and leads to happiness.

    Keeping a gratitude diary as a couple had the same benefits and gave us hope. It forced us to focus on the positives of the day and not just the negative events or what the other person did or didn’t say. It made us appreciate the other person and see them for the person we fell in love with.

    It also made us feel good to be acknowledged and appreciated for what we had done on a daily basis. It helped to hear the other person say thank you, even though we were being thanked for doing our expected roles—me, for going to work full time and my husband, for taking over the home duties.

    It was important for us to hear the gratitude from the other person so we didn’t feel like we were being taken for granted.

    3. Quality time as a couple.

    It was also helpful for us to schedule quality time with each other—getting out of the house and spending time together away from all the issues of our life; taking the step back and just being with each other.

    It’s important to set some time aside to just be a couple; spend quality time together regularly, but especially during hard times. This doesn’t need to involve money; just a walk down the park together or along the beach will help. Just taking yourself out of your home environment will be beneficial.

    We enjoyed each other’s company once again and started to feel more happiness as a couple.

    4. Showing love as the other person wants to receive it.

    We both still loved each other, but didn’t really feel that we were loved. I’ve read books and articles about how people receive and give love differently. Your partner may not perceive love in the same way as you; and remember, someone’s perception is their reality.

    How your partner receives your love is important. You can’t assume the other person knows that you love them.

    For myself, I feel loved when people spend quality time with me, making the effort to talk to me and listen. My husband, on the other hand, receives love by affirmations, people giving him compliments and positive statements.

    With this in mind we made an effort to show each other love in ways that we knew would make each other feel loved on a regular basis.

    By doing all of this we started to feel like we were in a loving marriage and that weren’t battling through our difficult life on our own. We had each other there for the support we needed. 

    We look back on this time as a lesson learned. We feel proud that we got through it and grateful that our relationship is stronger. We faced the challenge and came out on top.

    We now practice these simple things every day to grow together and maintain a good and loving relationship.

    We can be confident that by using these simple techniques, we can face the many challenges life throws at us together, such as having a miscarriage last year and our ongoing quest to start our own family.

    If you are fortunate enough to share your life with someone you love, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to make an effort every day in your relationship.

    They say love conquers all and that all you need is love, but unfortunately a solid relationship needs more than that. It requires being there for each other, showing support, feeling loved, being grateful that you are sharing your lives together, and above all, showing your appreciation every day.

    Photo by Jeanne

  • How to Maintain a Happy Relationship: The Desired Things of Love

    How to Maintain a Happy Relationship: The Desired Things of Love

    Couple

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown.

    Desiderata is Latin for “desired things.” The original and famous Desiderata poem, penned in the 1920s by Max Ehrmann, gives general advice on living well.

    It begins, “Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence,” and ends, “Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

    The overwhelming message of Desiderata is to be kind and honest, and to keep faith in all our business and personal affairs. When it comes to love, it counsels us not to grow cynical, “For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it (love) is as perennial as the grass.”

    Some years ago, a relationship I was in ended after an exhaustingly rocky year. The break-up left my partner cynical and me arid and disenchanted. Exactly what Ehrmann cautioned against.

    But our cynicism and disenchantment were understandable because on the surface, our relationship was perfect. We had hobbies and friends in common, two incomes, two cars, a lovely house. But while the bones of our relationship were there, the flesh was missing, eaten away by neglect.

    Part of the reason, I believe, is that we had stopped eating meals together. I was vegan and he was not, so we ate different foods. I arrived home from work earlier than him, so I ate earlier, too hungry on my faddy diets to wait.

    When we did sit at the table together at the end of a demanding workday, browsing Facebook seemed easier than the effort of conversation. When not at the table, I was upstairs writing while he was downstairs catching up on work email.

    Nothing was overtly wrong with this; we got on well and were both happy living in our own little parallel worlds. And we did find time to do some things together—but when we did, our business mindsets rattled along beside us. (more…)

  • Love is a Choice: 30 Ways to Love in Action

    Love is a Choice: 30 Ways to Love in Action

    “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

    I recently went with girlfriends to hear one of our favorite beach bands play. Since I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, I talked a friend into taking me home early.

    While walking to our car, we witnessed a couple fighting. There was no pushing or shoving.  Fists weren’t involved.  Bizarrely enough, this couple was on opposite sides of the parking lot having their fight over their cell phones.

    Due to the volume of their voices, the fight was easy to follow. Apparently, she didn’t give a rip about anyone but herself (his point of view) and he was a control freak (her point of view). There was much discussion back and forth and the words weren’t very nice, so I’ll gloss over that. However, what struck me about that fight was how pointless it seemed.

    Did that couple realize how lucky they were to have each other? I wanted to scream at both of them, “What if something tragic happened to one of you on the way home tonight—would this fight have been worth it?”

    I see too many couples take their relationships for granted. They forget why they fell in love. They forget the dreams they had and the plans they made. They forget their promises and commitments. The “healthy” of their relationships is based on personal happiness, rather than doing what is best for the both of them.

    Love is a choice, not a feeling or an emotion. It’s a decision you make every day of your life. Even when your mate doesn’t take out the trash, or spends too much time at the mall, or when your new haircut or outfit goes unnoticed, or when poor financial decisions set you back—you can still decide to love.

    Love is for better or worse. And when you choose not to love, you’ve given up and given in.

    It’s a decision you’ll regret.

    Take it from a widow that wishes every day that she had her husband at home to leave the toilet seat up, or scatter Popsicle sticks and papers all around the couch, or smoke stinky cigars in the house, or forget to pay the bills or pick up the kids. All those imperfections about your mate are what you will miss the most when they are gone.

    Choosing to love isn’t always easy, but it is worth the effort.  Here are some ways you can choose to love on a daily basis: (more…)