Tag: conversations

The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway

If I’m honest, I don’t think I listened to another person until I was in my thirties. I wasn’t really listening, not completely. It’s not that I’m super selfish or vain; I was just so busy doing the mental gymnastics that I thought I had to do to keep up in conversations that I missed what was actually being said to me.

I grew up in a family where it felt like nearly everything that was said had another, unspoken meaning. I remember feeling really confused as a child, not sure why the things that were said to other people were so different from what I’d heard in private and why what was said was not always what ultimately happened.

There was definitely an element of “do as I say and no as I do” in there, but it was more than that too. It was like there was a hint of secrecy underneath those conversations. Even though I couldn’t articulate it or understand it at the time, I certainly remember that I felt it, and that it had a big impact on me.

I often felt like there was something else that wasn’t being said, and that if I could just figure out what that something was, all the pieces would fit together and everything would finally make sense.

This created so much uncertainty for me: Why wasn’t I good enough and trustworthy enough to be told? Why did they think I wasn’t I strong enough to handle it? Why wasn’t I smart enough to figure this out?

In the end, I never could make all those pieces fit, even after years and years of trying. Now, looking back on those experiences and those messages I got while I was growing up, I can see what happened instead was that I developed some very unhealthy habits and beliefs about people and the world.

I learned to be hypersensitive to other people and their emotions, and perfectionism took over all areas of my life. I was just a kid, but I was trying so hard to read other people’s minds, interpret and analyze their words, and to prepare myself (mostly through endless worrying) for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

Let’s skip a few of the messy middle bits where I failed miserably at perfectionism and mind reading (and I’m so grateful that I did!) Fast forward to me as a grown up, having kids of my own, to me loving them so fiercely and wanting to always be able to communicate with them, no matter what.

So I did what anyone in my situation would do—I searched desperately for someone to tell me what to do; I googled, I read self-help books, and did coaching and counselling. All that helped bit by bit, but it wasn’t quite enough.

It wasn’t quite the right fit for me and I needed to figure out a way to make it my own. Thankfully, kids start out as babies, so I had a bit of time to try out a bunch of different things and put my own unique spin on what I’d been learning about before my kids started having bigger, more complicated emotions and asking me Why? all the time.

I’ve done all kinds of self-development work around mindfulness, forgiveness, and gratitude, which has given me a new appreciation for my family, for those skills I learned in childhood, and for my own sensitivity. After all, they’re part of what makes me really good at helping people and at being an amazing parent, wife, and friend.

Even though I was able to change a lot of my old beliefs, the way I was communicating, and the way I was parenting my own kids, it still took me a really long time and a lot of practice to learn to trust that what people say is what they mean.

It turns out that this practice is an actual practice. It’s called “literal listening,” which may sound all fancy, but it’s really quite simple and you don’t need anything special to do it—just another person who is talking and some patience.

Basically, when you’re having a conversation, you focus on the actual words that the other person is saying and respond to them from a place of sincere belief that this is what they actually mean.

Definitely try this out with your partner, if you have one, and your kids! It might feel a bit strange or difficult at first, but it’s a much simpler way of relating to other people and it’s totally worth putting in the effort to learn.

Just listen. Listen to the words that are being said to you. And ask yourself, What is the literal meaning of these words? If I believed these words are true, how would I respond?

The caveat: People don’t always know how they feel, what they need, or what to say. Sometimes, for any number of reasons, they choose to be extra careful or extra vague with their words. And sometimes, no matter how sincere your efforts at literal listening are, there are other unspoken things going on underneath their words.

The truth is, listening and understanding will never be exact; language is messy and words are shaped by individual experiences. But it can get so much better, and this is the way!

So, if you find yourself stuck, or if you’re having trouble following the other person’s literal meaning, just ask. Ask for clarification, ask for more information, or ask them to repeat what they’ve said. The other person will be so happy you cared enough to ask, and then you can practice your literal listening skills on whatever they say next.

When I first started doing this with my husband and kids, I had to explain that I needed more concrete responses from them (it’s really hard to work with grunts, maybes, and I don’t knows!) and sometimes even ask them to explain things to me again, using different words.

I also have a few things I started saying to them over and over: I trust that what you say is what you mean (because I really do!), I don’t know anything you don’t tell me (because I really don’t and guessing gets us nowhere!) and I’m not upset, I just need more information from you (because asking for an explanation can sometimes leave the other person feeling like you’re trying to start an argument).

With practice, you’ll realize you no longer have to try to read between the lines, guess at the other person’s ulterior motives, or mind read. And that you can let go of trying to squeeze that one conversation or one sentence into the context of an entire relationship, let go of holding on to the past, and let go of all that judging, second guessing, and over analyzing.

There’s an extra added bonus too: You’ll also start to notice that you trust yourself more, because you’ll learn to say what you actually mean too. You’ll start to communicate more clearly and confidently, and other people will notice (and probably thank you for not expecting them to read your mind like everyone else does!)

Just think about how much time and mental energy you could save by using literal listening—not to mention how much more honest and trustworthy the other person will feel and how much more safe and certain you will feel.

Let’s be real here, I’m not saying literal listening is going to fix every communication problem you’ve ever had and that you’ll never be upset or disappointed by someone else again. You are, after all, a human being talking to other human beings and we’re all beautifully complicated and sometimes changeable.

What I’m saying is, we all have hundreds of little exchanges and conversations every day, so give literal listening a try. Try it today with the next person you talk to. You have nothing to lose, no one will ever know you’re doing it, and it will absolutely change your relationships for the better.

Listening image via Shutterstock

December 21, 2015
Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” ~Max Lucade

I used to do everything I could to avoid having conversations that could potentially be challenging or difficult—even resorting to lying or obfuscation if I really felt backed into a corner.

I didn’t have a good template for what healthy conflict looked like, so every challenging conversation felt like a minefield where I could be attacked, blamed, or shamed at any moment.

As I got older, and especially as I started dating and getting involved in longer-term relationships, I realized that conflict was actually an inevitable, even necessary, part of co-existing with someone else.

And, rather than being fraught, defensive, and filled with attack, conflicts could actually be an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.

Although I still feel anxiety around conflict and am still very much learning how to handle it in a healthy way, the number one shift that has had the biggest influence on how I show up in conflicts is my attitude toward them.

When I went from avoiding challenging conversations and viewing them as “bad” to viewing them as an integral part of communication and necessary for a healthy relationship, I felt far less pressure to avoid them and started seeing how they actually could be helpful.

Difficult conversations are a fact of life. As much as we might try to avoid them, there will inevitably be a time when we uncover a conflict of needs, values, or preferences in relation to someone else, and want to resolve that conflict.

If you’re currently struggling with difficult conversations in your life, here are five things I’ve found helpful for turning conflicts into opportunities for connection.

1. Have the conversation sooner rather than later.

If you address the issue as soon as it comes up, you’re far more likely to have a productive, low-pressure conversation than if you wait until breaking point.

Storing up our issues and grievances, and then unleashing them as a torrent on the other person (or waiting until the other person expresses an issue to share our own), is unfair and damages trust in the relationship.

Whether we’re talking with a friend, partner, or colleague, we’re going to foster a greater sense of security in the relationship if we’re able to discuss things when they come up rather than wait until they become a crisis.

2. Use “I messages.”

A big shift in my own communication came when I started using “I messages” and expressing myself in terms of my own feelings, needs, and requests rather than focusing on what I thought the other person had done wrong.

Instead of starting with “I want you to do this/stop doing this,” explain your feelings—for example, “When it’s your turn to take out the trash and you don’t do it, I feel frustrated.”

Also, make requests based on your needs—for example, “It’s really important for me to feel trust and respect. A part of that is knowing that you’re going to do what you say you’re going to do. Would you be willing to think of some ways you can remind yourself?”

When we use “I messages,” we stop blaming other people and demanding that they change. Instead, we are simply stating how we feel, what we need, and making requests based on that.

3. Stick to the facts.

Most misunderstandings we have with other people arise from the fact that we react to the meaning we attach to the facts rather than the facts themselves.

If I ask my partner a question and he doesn’t respond, I can jump to all kinds of conclusions about why he is “ignoring me.” Is he angry with me? Does he think it was a stupid question? Doesn’t he care about what I have to say?

When it comes to difficult conversations, it’s important to stick to the facts and respond to the facts only.

It’s natural for our minds to want to fill in the gaps and create an entire story from a few puzzle pieces here and there. When we do this, however, the pieces we create aren’t necessarily true, and we run the risk of adding far more tension to the situation than it otherwise deserves.

4. Be specific.

When emotions rise, it’s easy to start using generalizations like “always” and “never.” When we tell someone that they “always do X” or “never do Y,” however, we’re more likely to push the other person further away than to heal the conflict.

Using the example above, if I said, “You never take out the trash when it’s your turn,” the other person’s focus is likely to shift to defending themselves and pointing out all the times when they have indeed taken out the trash instead of listening to what I’m saying and focusing on a resolution.

Very few people “always” or “never” behave in a certain way, so make sure you take a deep breath and check your language before saying something that could escalate the conversation.

5. Empathize with the other person.

Empathy—understanding what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes—is incredibly effective at diffusing tension and breaking down defenses. When we feel hurt, frustrated, or annoyed by something someone else has done, we can forget that they probably had very good reasons for doing (or not doing) what they did.

Approaching the conversation from a place of wanting mutual understanding and empathy rather than merely wanting the other person to change their behavior raises the chance that the conversation will bring you closer together rather than push you further apart.

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Difficult conversations may feel hard, but we can make them easier by following these steps and recognizing the opportunity for connection.

October 12, 2014
The Benefits of High-Quality Talk: Connect, Grow, and Thrive

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

I was always disturbed and discouraged during periods in my life when I was stuck, circling in an eddy, moving—but going nowhere.

At times I was stuck in my job: I was bored and couldn’t figure out how to get excited again. Even though I was the CEO and had lots of freedom to make changes in my organization and in my personal work activities, I couldn’t see what might move me toward my potential.

At other times, I was stuck in a marriage that wasn’t dynamic, or I was between relationships and without prospects for the love and excitement I felt I needed to be happy.

During those periods of dormancy, I was aware that I was stuck, and I was willing to shake things up to be able to emerge. But I didn’t know exactly what needed shaking up within myself, and I didn’t know how to shake myself up. I needed to be thrown out of the nest.

I read broadly during those periods. I meditated. I exercised.

But I continued to circle in an eddy of my own consciousness.

Over time, I discovered how to bring high-quality talk into my life every day, and that discovery gave me the freedom and skill I needed for the dynamic life I wanted.

Creating high-quality talk gave me creative control over my own emergence.

High-quality talk is: (more…)

March 31, 2013
Conflicts with Friends: 13 Ways to Communicate Without Drama

“Treat your friends like you do your best pictures; place them in the best light.” ~Unknown

I recently had a disagreement with a close friend.

There was a good deal of uncontrolled emotion on my side. I wasn’t expressing myself well and I knew it. I became more and more frustrated and less effective at explaining my feelings.

I found myself laying unwarranted blame on my friend rather than admitting openly that something was hurting me and I was feeling vulnerable.

Ultimately, he said the words I was having trouble finding for me, and that resolved the situation.

I was embarrassed and grateful, but I realized I needed to evaluate a few of my shortcomings to avoid making the same mistake again.

I also realized that what I was feeling wasn’t the problem.

It was my inability to effectively convey what was in my heart and on my mind that led to hurt feelings and further misunderstanding. (more…)

March 8, 2011