Tiny Buddha

Tag: Confidence

  • 3 Causes of Self-Doubt and How to Conquer It for Good

    3 Causes of Self-Doubt and How to Conquer It for Good

    “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~Unknown

    Self-doubt and I are old friends. We go way back, to early childhood.

    Now, if you ask me, I will honestly tell you that I had quite an idyllic childhood in a loving home.

    My parents raised us—my brother and me—to trust in our abilities and aim for the stars. They held me when I failed or fell flat on my face, which I did quite often, encouraging me to stand up and keep walking again. And yes, self-doubt still made its way into the fabric of my being and cleverly made itself boss, calling the shots at school and among my peers, seeping into my professional life as I grew up and chased my dreams.

    Sure, I chased my dreams. But you know how these things work. A thing like self-doubt has the ability to make you overcompensate. Since it tells you that you are not good enough or it gives you the nagging feeling of “wait-till-they-find-out-I’m-not-good-enough” when you succeed, your psyche is pushed to compensate for the lack in every possible way. The most common way, of course, is to over-achieve.

    I did exactly that. No matter what area of life I was focusing on, I had to be the best. The best student, the best wife, the best mother, the best doctor. And I never stopped to consider what “best” really means. For instance, whose best? How is it defined? It’s taken me years to realize that the prison of self-doubt had always been unlocked. I merely needed to walk out of it.

    In order to overcome any limitation, we have to turn around and face it, study it, and watch it like we would observe exotic animals in a zoo. From my experience, self-doubt is associated with three main processes—comparison, becoming fixated on specific outcomes, and feeling like an imposter.

    Comparing Yourself with Others

    Self-doubt is defined as the lack of confidence in one’s own abilities. When plagued with self-doubt, we believe that we can’t do something, and if we dig a bit deeper, we will invariably find that this belief arises from comparison. We believe we can’t do it the way someone else does it.

    We gauge success and failure by the norm, which is always set by others. Think about this. If you never had the ability to compare yourself with others, would you be plagued either by self-doubt or its opposite, over-confidence?

    Fixation on a Particular Outcome

    Obviously, comparison is not the only fuel source for self-doubt. One of the biggest things that holds us back from forging forward is the fear of failing. When we become fixated on a particular outcome, not only do we become paralyzed by the possibility of failure but we also close ourselves off to all other possibilities.

    For instance, if you’re a writer, you may find yourself reluctant to explore your creativity in your art if you have a particular goal of getting a certain number of readers, accolades, or other outcomes. The joy of writing becomes masked by anxiety if you are not open to failure, however you define it.

    Feeling Like an Imposter

    You’ve probably heard of Imposter Syndrome, which seems to affect women more than men. If you feel like you don’t deserve any of your accomplishments or that you got to where you are by pure fluke, you may be suffering from this condition.

    Here, obviously we are not talking about people that do end up with some successes by sheer luck but about those who underestimate their own achievements. It’s where we might feel like a fraud for being successful.

    And then there are the issues of not wanting to appear aggressive, ambitious, or assertive that make us take a step back from our full potential.

    What Doesn’t Help

    Just from my own familiarity with self-doubt, I can attest to what doesn’t help with alleviating it.

    Things like positive self-talk, affirmations, visualizations, and go-getting strategies don’t get us too far because they don’t get to the root of the issue—the belief that we are lacking. These techniques remain at the surface level of the mind, never touching the energetic power of the belief that becomes intermingled with our very identity.

    How to Face and Conquer Self-Doubt

    Whenever we are plagued by beliefs that limit our ability to live happy and fulfilled lives, it’s an indication to look into them. All of our suffering arises from believing our thoughts about ourselves or the world.

    1. Meditate

    These days we hear so much about meditation that we can often lose perspective about what it can and cannot do.

    Depending on the technique, meditation can certainly help calm our minds and lower stress and blood pressure—very favorable outcomes.

    What it will not do is solve our fundamental problems that arise from limiting beliefs. Instead, meditation creates the space in which we can do the real work of looking within. Most importantly, it helps us cultivate inner silence and the ability to step back from our minds and evaluate our internal processes in a non-judgmental way. If we cannot step back from our beliefs, we cannot work on them!

    2. Journal

    Writing is a powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness. It forces us to pin down our internal process.

    Write without censoring and consider the following questions:

    • What is stopping you from acknowledging your ability to succeed or your past successes?
    • Do you believe that you don’t deserve it? Why not?
    • Do you believe that you should not be aiming higher? Why?
    • What does success look like to you? Where did this definition come from?
    • What would happen if you plunged into your passion and the outcome was different from what you had envisioned?
    • What would happen if you fail?

    Make a list of all your limiting beliefs. Hint: beliefs are thoughts that start with a “should” or “should not,” such as, “I should not appear ambitious.”

    3. Question

    Now that you’ve identified your limiting beliefs, try this. Find fifteen to twenty minutes when you will not be disturbed. Keep your journal close. Sit comfortably and take some deep breaths, giving yourself permission to attend to tasks later. Relax any tense areas of the body.

    Now gently bring up your first belief, for example, the one about appearing ambitious. Who decides how you appear? Can you control what anyone else thinks of you? What if you never had the ability to think this thought?

    Allow each question to sink into silence without allowing the mind to answer. Take as long as you need to feel the effect of this sinking in. It will feel like a whoosh in your body when you suddenly realize that a thought is completely untrue. You don’t have to let go of anything. When you stop believing an untrue thought, it lets go of you. This is freedom.

    4. Feel

    Another powerful way of dealing with our limitations is to feel them in our bodies. Start as above, sitting comfortably and taking a few deep breaths. Relax. Bring up the first belief from your list. Where in your body do you feel it? Belly? Chest? Back? Focus entirely on feeling and not thinking. What does it feel like? Is it a heaviness? Contraction? Discomfort?

    Feel it fully, without trying to change it. Become curious about it. Does it come and go? Does it move anywhere?

    Continue to breathe deeply as the sensations subside. Notice that sensations come and go, but you are here. Our thoughts, beliefs, and sensations are temporary phenomena that become a problem when we hang on to them long after they are gone.

    Once you get comfortable with feeling sensations in your body, try the question exercise. Allow each question to sink in while observing the sensations. The energetic signature of a belief is felt in the body as a sense of contraction or tightness. When the belief dissolves through questioning, the energetic signature relaxes and this is felt deeply in the body.

    5. Act

    Once you’ve become adept at questioning your thoughts and beliefs in a meditative state, it’s time to put it into practice. Any time you feel paralyzed with self-doubt or when the old patterns start acting up, pause. Now you know that this belief is untrue.

    The only way out of this disabling pattern is to surrender to the present moment. Focus entirely on the task and not thoughts about the task, its outcome, or how you feel about it.

    If you need to give a presentation, do that. Keep bringing your attention to the tasks of researching, preparing, and rehearsing. Step into your light. What is your full capacity for each task? Do that. When “what if,” “should,” or “should not” thoughts and beliefs arise, drop into the body and feel the sensations while questioning the truth of these voices.

    The only thing that we ever have control over is our intention for acting. As long as we keep our hearts open, genuinely value ourselves and others, and act in ways that serve more than just ourselves, we are good. Learn to relinquish control over the outcome, which isn’t in your hands anyway.

    —

    As I’ve learned to work with self-doubt, I’ve come face-to-face with the fear of appearing ambitious and of feeling like a fraud for my successes. The more I inquire into this, I realize that these fears lie in my conditioning of how someone like me—a woman in a male-dominated field—is supposed to behave or expect.

    The practice here is to drop into the body and observe the sensations as they arise and subside, noticing that all phenomena including self-doubt, naturally pass. Paradoxically, it is when I allow it to arise fully that it lets go of its death-grip and my actions become spontaneous, light, and joyful.

    Self-doubt lies either in the past as memories or in the future as imaginary projections. It cannot exist in the now. Action lies in the now, where there is neither self-doubt nor self-grandiosity, both of which are thoughts of the past or future.

    In the now, there is only doing what is required. When we learn to ignore our self-doubt and put our best foot forward, it eventually lets go of us. In this newfound freedom, we become fearless, having relinquished the desire for any particular outcome and learned the value of acting for purely the joy of it.

  • How Defensive Pessimism Can Help Ease Your Worries

    How Defensive Pessimism Can Help Ease Your Worries

    “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” ~Corrie Ten Boom

    You know if you’re a worrier.

    You worry about all kinds of negative things happening, without any evidence that they’re likely to happen.

    I’m a recovering worrier.

    It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve become conscious of the extent of my worry and the impact it has on me, and of how ineffective it is.

    My worry paralyzes me, making it hard to think, plan, or act.

    But, as anyone who is prone to worry knows, worry can feel productive. It feels like you’re doing something useful.

    When I’m told to relax and stop worrying about something, I will defend my worry. Justify it. It feels right!

    But here’s the problem.

    Worry is the most useless habit, a decoy, a waste of precious time, energy, and attention.

    And it completely undermines your self-confidence.

    Worry doesn’t actually do anything to help prevent the future outcome you’re afraid of.

    In fact, in some cases, it can make it more likely to happen.

    I had my first serious relationship in my early twenties. The more serious the relationship became, the more afraid I felt.

    I hadn’t felt so vulnerable before. It felt like such a risk. I was opening up to someone and showing them who I was, when there was a chance that they could decide that they didn’t like what they saw.

    I started to worry more and more that he would leave me.

    I became more insecure and jealous. When we went out, we would inevitably end up fighting.

    I felt so out control, and the more I worried, the less in control I felt.

    Over time, I recognized that my lack of trust in myself to cope if he should leave was at the heart of my worry.

    The more I became conscious of what I was doing with my worry, the more ridiculous I realized it was.

    I was spending so much time and energy worrying about what could go wrong that I wasn’t enjoying what was in front of me.

    In fact, it was quite likely that if I kept on doing what I was doing, I would contribute to the relationship ending.

    Developing Trust in Your Ability to Cope with the Worst

    While many people encourage positive thinking, it turns out that for people prone to anxiety, this may not always be the best advice.

    It’s far better to think negatively.

    Huh?

    This is a strategy called defensive pessimism. It’s a way to help you manage your worry so that you can plan and act effectively, and build your confidence in your ability to cope with challenges.

    Here’s how it works:

    When you notice yourself worrying about something, stop.

    Ask yourself what you’re worrying about. When left to its own devices, your worry will just run on autopilot, bringing you all kinds of negative possibilities, but you probably won’t even realize that you’re doing that.

    All you’ll be aware of is that you don’t feel good.

    So becoming conscious that you’re even worrying is a difficult but important first step.

    Say, for example you’re worried about a presentation at work. If you tell someone that you’re worried about it they’ll probably offer some well-intentioned: “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be great.”

    To which you’ll responds, either aloud in in your mind something along the lines of: “But what if I’m not? What if it goes terribly and I humiliate myself?”

    That’s where defensive pessimism kicks in.

    Instead of trying not to think about it, you allow yourself to think about all the things that could go wrong. Then you start figuring out how you’ll handle things if they do go wrong.

    What if I do humiliate myself? How would I deal with that?

    Asking yourself those questions and developing plans to cope has been shown to help anxiety-prone people feel more in control, and is a far more effective worry strategy than “Don’t worry.”

    For me, being reassured by my boyfriend or other people that he loved me never seemed to be terribly effective. But when I started allowing myself to think about what I would do if he did leave me, how I would cope with the pain and grief, I started to worry less and be more present and real in the relationship.

    I realized that I was allowing my whole sense of self-worth and value to hinge on someone else’s approval.

    If I was rejected, then I would see myself as not good enough.

    Once I realized this, my plan became working on my self-worth. I practiced recognizing when I started feeling vulnerable and would change the story I was telling myself and the assumptions I was making. Therapy played an important part in helping me shift the beliefs that were making me feel insecure and inadequate.

    I practiced changing my self-talk to become more encouraging and supportive. I’d say things like “Even if we break up, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. We’re both learning and growing all the time, and our needs may change.”

    I also realized that I was underestimating my ability to cope with and recover from challenges.

    Just reminding myself of my own strength, the challenges that I’d overcome in the past, and my network of supportive family and friends helped me realize that although I would grieve the end of the relationship, I was far more capable of coping with it than I was giving myself credit for.

    Focusing on these aspects, rather than on endlessly and unproductively worrying, has been key to shifting my confidence, both in my value and my ability to cope with challenges.

  • How to Tame Your Inner Critic: A Simple Habit to Rewire Your Brain

    How to Tame Your Inner Critic: A Simple Habit to Rewire Your Brain

    “I acknowledge my own worth. My confidence is growing.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes I feel like a spider whose web is repeatedly torn down. I plan something and start taking action. Then life happens, and setbacks threaten to sap my energy and enthusiasm.

    Whenever I take on too much, I can feel as if I’m juggling a million balls. And doing it badly.

    You’ve probably seen T-shirts saying, “Things are a bit crazy around here.” That could easily describe me when I allow myself to become overloaded.

    It’s easy to feel stressed and to slip into harsh self-criticism. Especially when I hold myself to unrealistic perfectionism or get swept away by impatience. Or when I start comparing myself to others who seem to be in a better space.

    But all’s not lost. I love to keep learning. That keeps me hopeful about finding solutions, no matter what the problem.

    I keep identifying and adopting simple science-based actions that yield big payoffs for well-being. The simpler the practice, the more easily it fits into my busy life.

    So, what can be done when life gets too stressful and setbacks lead to harsh self-criticism?

    The Tug of War in Your Brain

    Until relatively recently, scientists believed that the brain could not develop beyond a certain age. The adult brain could not change, it was thought, apart from gradually shrinking from your late twenties onward. So, if your brain habitually criticized and demotivated you, then that was how you’d remain.

    That view is simply mistaken, as science has discovered. Your brain can develop, even during adulthood.

    There’s hope for us all, provided we start respecting ourselves enough to practice self-care.

    How would you like to start rewiring your harshly self-critical brain using a simple five-second habit? I’ll share a transformational habit I’ve adopted, but first let’s understand this a bit more. Once you understand why a practice works, it’s easier to make it part of your life.

    Stress and negativity do remarkable things to your brain. When stress overwhelms you enough to keep your mood constantly low, your brain starts to gradually change. The core component of your brain, the grey matter, grows less dense in some helpful parts of your brain. But it grows denser in some self-critical parts.

    It’s almost as if there’s a tug of war between these two parts. An overdose of stress weakens the helpful parts, allowing the self-critical parts to dominate.

    That’s the bad news. Fortunately, there’s good news.

    Your brain can keep developing, and the unhelpful changes can be reversed. You have “stem cells,” so named because they can develop into various types of new brain cells. Also, new connections can develop between the cells in your brain.

    You can encourage such helpful developments by the actions and thoughts you embrace. In effect, you can assist your brain to keep developing in a helpful way.

    Before I describe the simple but powerful five-second practice, there’s a story I want to share. It will help illustrate how the practice works.

    My Story

    I had once accumulated a lot of weight, was on statin treatment for high cholesterol levels, and couldn’t shed the excess weight despite regularly exercising. I attributed this to being over forty. I knew I was on a conveyor belt headed for a coronary bypass operation or heart attack and was keen to escape.

    Then a noticeably trim classmate from my medical school visited us and ate surprisingly small portions of some things but surprisingly large portions of others. They too were over forty years old. What did they know that I didn’t?

    Health and well-being are, to me, priceless treasures. People often destroy their well-being in desperate pursuit of material things. They can end up ill, sometimes forfeiting even the material things they craved.

    I didn’t want to be yet another person sleepwalking toward a heart attack. I decided to investigate the secrets of staying trim despite middle age. I was strongly motivated, and in a helpful way.

    There were many challenges. I needed to grapple with the scientific literature, to untangle the conflicting information about how to eat well.

    My other big challenge was that I love delicious food, especially when eating in company. I was wary of solutions that took all the enjoyment out of food, or tended to isolate me from friends and family.

    Eventually I found an approach that transformed my health for good, but the details are for another time. The point here is that I had many setbacks and failures along the way. Despite the setbacks, I succeeded in permanently reducing my waist circumference by several inches and no longer need the statin treatment.

    There’s one practice that helped me, more than anything else, to recover after setbacks. It’s so stupidly simple that its power easily can be underestimated.

    But it works, as long as it’s practiced consistently.

    I call it REBS. You’ll discover why.

    REBS Tames Your Harsh Inner Critic

    When I was a young child, I was fascinated by orderly lines of ants. I spent ages observing them and perversely enjoyed drawing a stick or finger across the line. That would confuse the ants, and chaos would ensue.

    However, in a little while, the line would form once again. The ants recovered and resumed doing what was important in their lives.

    Let’s say you decide that something is important in your life and you plan how to act accordingly. Perhaps, like me, you’re keen on avoiding a heart attack and you decide to start eating better. Let’s say you’re armed with the relevant knowledge and know exactly what to do.

    You start out enthusiastically, until a setback happens. Perhaps someone presents you with a box of your favorite chocolates.

    Before you know it the chocolates are somehow all out of the box and inside you. Within half an hour! Many people might consider that a triumph, but let’s say that you consider it a setback.

    This is a crucial moment. What do you do? Start criticizing yourself?

    What if, instead, you treat this setback as a temporary blip? You focus on resuming your journey of eating well. When you sit down for your next nourishing meal, you accept your stumble but congratulate yourself for getting back on track.

    Even when you don’t stumble and fall, you keep congratulating yourself for each small advance. Each nourishing meal, in this context, becomes a small triumph and an occasion for self-congratulation. Each half-hour without grazing on snacks becomes another small triumph and another occasion for self-congratulation.

    Imagine rewarding yourself for every small advance, with a quick self-congratulatory phrase. Especially when you get back on track after a setback.

    You can, in this way, create a steady stream of self-congratulation that is based on real advances. You don’t settle for empty words. Instead, you acknowledge and celebrate doing each small step, which carries you in your chosen direction.

    When your mind is busy with this reality-based self-congratulation, there’s less room for harsh self-criticism, or brutal perfectionism, or comparing yourself to others. You start to transform your self-image and self-confidence.

    I call this practice REBS, short for reality-based self-congratulation. It’s a rebellion against your harsh inner critic, who can otherwise be a demotivating tyrant. It helps the self-respecting part of you to prevail over the harshly self-critical part of you.

    You start to unleash the self-repairing power of your brain, even as you transform your self-image.

    Setbacks become an opportunity for you to recover and practice REBS. The more you do this, the harder it becomes for setbacks and stress to keep you down.

    Which self-congratulatory phrase could you use? The simplest is probably “I’m doing this, I’m okay.” Your “it” can be the smallest meaningful step imaginable, such as sitting down for a healthy meal.

    Keep this practice firmly based in reality, anchored to your small helpful steps. Then you’ll be able to do it meaningfully and with conviction. But do it at every opportunity, no matter how small your triumph.

    In summary: Take a meaningful small step, then treat yourself to a quick dose of REBS (reality-based self-congratulation). Repeat, and keep going.

    Suffered a setback? Pick yourself up, resume your journey with the next small step, and treat yourself to a quick dose of REBS.

    Is This Relevant to Other Situations?

    I used my experience with eating well as an example. But we could apply this to a wide variety of situations.

    If you feel worn out from taking care of others and have forgotten how to take care of yourself, then your small step can be as simple as listing your own needs.

    If you’re a recovering workaholic, then your small step can be as simple as taking a short walk, or meditating for a few minutes, or freeing up an evening for playful relaxation with your partner.

    If you’re a sales manager who’s just lost a big deal, then your small step can be as simple as identifying the next good prospect.

    If you’re a doctor or health care professional overwhelmed by the demands on your time, or complaints from patients, then your small step can be as simple as taking a short break to regain perspective and consider your options.

    If you’re a business owner trying to cope with unhelpful staff or business partners, then your small step can be as simple as choosing the most important points you want to communicate to them.

    If you’re scurrying around at work like a headless chicken, then your small step can be as simple as putting other tasks aside and focusing on just one important task in your long list.

    If you’re confused about some decision, then your small step can be as simple as listing your options, in order to consider the pros and cons before choosing.

    If you applied for a better job but didn’t get it, then your small step can be as simple as listing other opportunities.

    If you have a disabling illness, then your small step can be very small indeed. It might be as simple as getting out of bed, or walking a few paces without a stick, or contacting a friend.

    If you’ve had a bitter argument with your partner or child, then your small step can be as simple as reaching out with a gesture of reconciliation. And so on.

    You decide what actions are good, helpful and important in your life at this time.

    This practice can be applied in all areas of your life: personal, family and home life, community life, work life etc.

    The Payoff

    We all make unwise choices and experience setbacks. Your harsh inner critic can sometimes make you feel worthless and unlovable. REBS (reality-based self-congratulation) allows you to rebel against the tyranny of that inner critic.

    It reminds you that you’re always worthy of respect, love, and forgiveness. Even when you stumble—and especially when you stumble.

    Is this simple five-second practice the answer to all life’s problems and challenges? Of course not. Does your brain get rewired immediately? Of course not, it takes consistent practice. REBS needs to become a habit.

    Do you still have to decide what really matters to you, make plans, and solve problems? Of course you do.

    But REBS is a very useful companion on your journey. That’s because it takes almost no time, yet works powerfully to help you grow out of overly harsh self-criticism. You start to respect and take care of yourself.

    Instead of brooding over setbacks, you begin treating each setback as a springboard for small helpful steps, accompanied by self-congratulation.

    You become less easily discouraged. In a subtle way, you become almost unstoppable in pursuit of whatever you value deeply. Your perseverance starts to resemble that of determined ants who re-form a broken line, or of a spider who resumes spinning a destroyed web.

    Success is no longer confined to the distant future. Instead, it starts to inhabit each meaningful small step that you take in your chosen direction.

    You start to rewire your brain. Your inner critic starts to transform into a helpful cheerleader. Instead of a constant stream of negative self-talk, you start to enjoy a steady flow of self-congratulation.

    Your confidence grows, and your life starts to become more meaningful, fulfilling and joyful.

    This practice of reality-based self-congratulation (REBS) costs virtually nothing. It requires only consistency, so that the helpful new neurons and connections in your brain become well established.

    A surprising benefit is that REBS pulls me into the present moment. Instead of brooding over past failures or fearing future uncertainties, I focus increasingly on a small step that carries me in my chosen direction.

    REBS has helped transform my life. I have a clearer head and feel more at peace, others often remark that I’m now much more fun to be with, and I’m better off in almost every way. Despite all my flaws and the frequent, inevitable setbacks of life, I’m constantly reminded that I’m okay.

    Simple science-based practices with outsize benefits appeal to me because I’m so busy. REBS is one of my favorites among the life-enriching practices I’ve tried and adopted. I love how the practice can be started straight away, and become a treasured, self-empowering part of life.

    Conclusion

    Whatever the setbacks or failures you’ve experienced, whatever unhelpful choices you’ve made, you’re still okay, you’re always worthy of respect and love.

    We all need a bit of understanding and mercy. REBS turns you into a more forgiving and encouraging friend to yourself. It lets the seeds of success be planted in the soil of defeat.

    It helps reduce the chaos of a challenging life to a helpful small step, accompanied by self-congratulation.

    You might want to start this five-second practice and make it a habit. You could start right away and experience the difference.

  • How to Stop Doubting Yourself So You Can Go After Your Dreams

    How to Stop Doubting Yourself So You Can Go After Your Dreams

    Brave superkid

    “The gap between what we do and what we’re capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.” ~Gandhi

    I have lived most of my life with a challenging contradiction.

    I am a hopeless idealist and dreamer. And I have also dealt with high levels of anxiety, worry, and doubt, especially as an adult.

    You can probably already see how this can go horribly wrong!

    I’d have an idea of something I’d like to do.

    An idea that would excite and thrill me. I would feel energized—enthusiastic and excited about the possibility of making a dream a reality. Then I’d hit a challenge or obstacle. And the doubt would come.

    Sometimes the result would be so subtle that I wouldn’t even notice its effects—that I was avoiding doing things to make my idea happen.

    Like when I decided to relearn piano as an adult, something I’d loved as a child and would lose myself in playing for hours, especially during the challenging times growing up. I had been heartbroken when I had to give it up because we had to return the piano I’d been using to practice on.

    As a gift to myself I bought a piano.

    I was so excited. It felt so good to be giving attention to part of myself that I felt had been neglected.

    But as I practiced I struggled.

    And I started to doubt whether I’d be able to master the skills that had seemed to come so easily as a child.

    The frustration built and I started putting in less and less effort and time. I eventually gave it up amid excuses about not having the time.

    Other times the effects of the doubt were far more obvious and painful—the fear, endless procrastination, frustration, and eventual defeat. Another idea relegated to the dusty pile of unfulfilled potential.

    The older I got, the harder this cycle became. I became more and more frustrated and filled with a sense of urgency to try and follow through with my ideas.

    It felt like time was running out.

    It got to a point where, in hindsight I realize, I was depressed, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. I’d lost my confidence in myself and my ability to do the things that really mattered to me.

    I’d love to say that I was able to turn this around in the five easy steps that we’re all craving.

    The reality is that it was a long and non-linear journey of self-discovery, voracious learning, experimentation, trial and error, and small successes and failures, until one day I realized that something had profoundly changed at the core of my being.

    I trusted myself again.

    I had rediscovered something that I knew had always been there. That sense of confident learning and experimentation that small children have, when they push themselves to their limits without the fear of being judged or shamed for making mistakes.

    I could take risks again. Small at first to build confidence. It felt so good. I felt alive, filled with hope and possibility.

    Now when I have an idea I am able to act on it (well, most of the time anyway!), and sustain the energy and motivation over long time periods in order for the idea to become a reality.

    Transforming the Self-Doubt Habit

    If anything of my experience resonates with you, then you have it too. The self-doubt habit.

    And, in fact, if you’re human, you definitely have it. As Stephen Pressfield wrote in his book Do the Work, “We’re wrong to think we’re the only ones struggling with resistance. Everyone who has a body experiences resistance.” (Resistance is the word he uses to refer to fear/worry/self-doubt—anything that takes you away from doing the thing that matters).

    Now that I have recognized this profoundly destructive habit in myself, I see it everywhere and hear it in the way people talk about themselves and their ideas.

    “I would love to do this, but I don’t think I can.” “That would be my dream, but it would probably never happen.”

    “But what if I am not good enough?”

    Sound familiar?

    And the outcome? We conclude: “Why even bother trying?” We give up before investing the necessary effort that would lead to a successful outcome.

    Two ideas have been key in helping me both recognize this destructive habit and being able to mitigate the effects so that I can build my confidence in my ability to do the things that matter to me.

    1. The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

    Dr Russ Harris, author of The Confidence Gap, describes the confidence gap as the place we get stuck when fear gets in the way of our dreams and ambitions. We believe that we can’t achieve or even work on our goals until we feel more confident.

    This, he says, is the wrong rule of confidence.

    The first rule of confidence is: “The actions of confidence come first, the feelings come later.”

    Lightbulb moment for me.

    I realized that I had been putting off some many things, waiting for the day when I would magically feel more confident!

    Recognizing that this day would probably never come, I started experimenting with strategies and ideas to help me start taking small steps, which, despite the fear and doubt, helped me build my confidence over time.

    2. You can always get better.

    The other body of work that profoundly shifted my thinking and helped me to take confident action was the work of Carol Dweck, Ph.D, author of Mindset.

    Through her research at Stanford University, she found that people could be generally divided into two categories depending on their beliefs about themselves—either “fixed” or “growth” mindset.

    People with fixed mindsets believe that their talents and intelligence are fixed, so they spend their lives trying to prove themselves. Their self-worth is always on the line, and failure is to be avoided at all costs. When they do experience failure, they feel intense shame and see it as proof of not being good enough.

    People with growth mindsets believe that talents and intelligence can be developed through effort and practice, so they take on challenges so they can grow and learn. Challenges are to be embraced as the path to fulfilling potential and learning.

    Another huge aha for me.

    I realized that I had been operating with a fixed mindset.

    When I started to work on an idea, whether I was working on a creative project or trying to develop a new skill, like learning to play the piano, I’d give up as soon as I struggled. Struggle for me equalled “I can’t”; I’m not good enough.”

    However, when I could recognize my thinking and see it from a growth mindset perspective, I could catch that thought and say to myself, “I am learning, I can get better with practice,” which allowed me to keep putting in the effort needed to develop my skills and become more confident in the area.

    I could reframe struggle as evidence that I was learning rather than a sign of some innate flaw that I needed to be ashamed about.

    This one mindset shift has alone had the biggest impact in helping me keep being able to take action.

    Action steps:

    1. Do whatever you can to become aware of your thoughts during the day.

    What are you saying to yourself? How are you talking about yourself to other people? Meditate, journal, do whatever it takes. It is the most important thing that you can do for yourself.

    2. Make a conscious effort to eliminate any thoughts or talk that undermines you.

    Change it to a growth mindset. Instead of self-doubt thoughts like “What if I can’t” or “What if I’m not good enough” try thoughts like “I am learning, it is challenging but I with practice and effort I will get better” and ask yourself questions like: “What is one thing I can do today to increase my chances of succeeding?”

    Practice this new mindset over and over and over again until it becomes a habit. As Tynan says in Superhuman by Habit, “New habits are things that you do, but old habits are things that you are.”

  • 9 Confidence Myths That Only Quiet People Will Truly Understand

    9 Confidence Myths That Only Quiet People Will Truly Understand

    Timid woman

    “Quiet is the new loud.” ~Patrick Stump

     Isn’t it ironic?

    When you need it the most, your confidence is nowhere to be found.

    When you’re freaking out at the thought of meeting new people, speaking up or going for that job interview, you’re only ally has gone AWOL.

    And even though you’ve tried all the standard advice on how to be more confident, more self-assured, if you’re anything like I used to be, it’s left you even more anxious. Even less sure of yourself.

    And all your efforts to be more confident have got you worrying that there’s actually something wrong with you.

    Because the advice on building your confidence that works for others just doesn’t seem to work for you at all.

    Take heart. There’s a really good reason it doesn’t work for you…

    …you’re quiet.

    Some people might say “introverted,” but labels are often only half the story. Simply put:

    • Shouting above everyone else to be heard just isn’t your thing.
    • A busy diary feels like you must have been a bad person in a former life.
    • You love being social and then suddenly you want to be home. In pajamas.
    • And alone time, well that’s level pegging with oxygen.

    The rub is a lot of advice on how to be more confident works for a lot of people. It does make them appear more confident. And it can boost their own feelings of confidence.

    But as a quiet person, trying to improve your self-confidence by following this type of advice, however good, can leave you less self-confident and more self-conscious than ever.

    I know, I did just that…

    “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    “All eyes on me, I can do this,” I mumbled inside. “Speak up girl, dammit.”

    I seriously mis-sold myself at that interview. And every day that followed because of the persona I thought I needed to put across—a loud, forceful, heck aggressive if that’s what the situation needed, “Go get ‘em Laura.”

    “Maybe I’ll grow into this louder me…please,” I stressed inside.

    Instead, I became a caricature of my true, quiet self.

    Colleagues that the authentic quiet me would have got on great with shied away from the person they saw me as. But equally I wasn’t comfortable with the people who liked the false loud me they saw and heard.

    Pretending ate away my confidence and devoured my self-esteem.

    And yeah, it got messy at work. And I left… quietly.

    It’s a myth that there’s a one-size-fits-all answer to being more confident. We are all unique, with different stories and challenges, but there is some advice that directly conflicts with quiet tendencies.

    So here are nine confidence myths that only quiet people will truly understand.

     1. Speak louder.

    To get on, you’ve got to speak up, get loud, right? Folk need to hear you over all the noise in today’s hyper-busy, hyper-competitive world. And they need to hear you fast.

    But if you’re quiet, trying to speak louder feels uncomfortably rushed. I found I was consumed by the way I was saying my piece, not what I was saying.

    Someone who speaks quietly, and only when they have something to say, can command greater attention than the loudest, most vocal person in the room.

    Gandhi never raised his voice, and a whole nation heard him just fine.

    2. Walk faster.

    Walking faster makes it look like you’re filled with purpose, assured of your direction.

    But for me, walking faster, well that just got me there too fast. I felt like I was hurrying, scrambling even. By forcing myself to quicken my pace, I set my quiet confidence running in the opposite direction.

    Bottom line, I felt like I wasn’t in control.

    Instead take your time. Taking things at your pace is a sure sign of a confident person.

    After all, can you imagine the Dalai Lama rushing?

    3. Be busy.

    The idea of making yourself extra busy because it adds to the image of you being in demand, being successful, works for some.

    But I found that there’s an extra, more troublesome dimension if you’re quiet. Making myself noticeably busier meant I had to engage with lots more people to attract more tasks. And ironically, I also had to say no more because soon I’d taken on way too much.

    But worst of all, I was too busy doing everything badly, rather than one thing well. And quiet people like to do a good job. It’s a critical part of our confidence.

    So rather than be the go-to guy or gal for any and every project, be known as the one to call on when the task needs care and attention.

    4. Dress sharp.

    The way we look can have a profound effect on our level of confidence, and dressing sharp seems good advice.

    So I smothered my quiet tendencies and took the dress sharp class.

    Oh boy! I felt like the Emperor and his new clothes. More self-conscious than if I’d been naked. I felt like my clothes were shouting “look at me!”

    You don’t need to obsess over how you dress. Get your confidence from being your true self and knowing that long after they’ve forgotten what you looked like, they won’t have forgotten how you made them feel.

    “I don’t want to be just known for the way I dress. I want to be known for how… I treat people” ~Rickie Fowler

    5. Smile. 

    Smiling says I’m relaxed, confident, at ease with myself. And easily approachable.

    Which is commendable.

    But as a quiet person, sometimes I don’t want the whole world to approach me, to engage in conversation, to look for a deeper connection than maybe I want.

    Unfortunately, by trying to wear a permanently over-enthusiastic smile, I gave out a confusing message to others about how involved I was comfortable being.

    It’s better for your confidence to preserve your quiet space when you need it than wear a false “open all hours” smile.

    6. Make and hold eye contact. 

    Winning the staring contest supposedly shows that you are confident, accessible with nothing to conceal.

    So I gave the “hold eye contact” advice a really good shot.

    So tiring! Embarrassing even. I felt like a weird stalker, hanging on every nuance of every word, yet ironically I heard nothing because my thoughts were totally taken up with winning the staring contest.

    Sure, totally avoiding eye contact suggests that you’re either very shy or very guilty. But eye contact is way more intense than words will ever be. So if you’re a little reserved, holding someone’s gaze needs to be as natural as possible for your confidence to flourish.

    7. Adopt power poses. 

    Similar to eye contact, your body says way more than your words. “Power poses” might include:

    • the self-assured lean back in the chair
    • the standing with legs shoulder-width apart, hands on your hips stance
    • the steepling fingers together and resting elbows on the table

    These can increase testosterone, which in turn increases confidence.

    Now, even though I’m quiet it doesn’t mean I’m a mouse. I’ve given talks to groups of a dozen to several hundred. And I’ve tried those poses.

    I felt like a second rate actor in a bad B-movie. One I wouldn’t have paid to watch. And the stress of trying to pose nearly killed me.

    You see as a quiet person, the testosterone fueled confidence boost is more than likely to be offset by the extra increase in stress. Having to consciously adapt your body language can feel like a daunting performance.

    Instead of trying to contort yourself into unnatural poses, boost your confidence by playing the only role you’ll ever win an Oscar for—you.

    8. Shake hands firmly.

    A first impression can be difficult to turn around. A firm grasp, two or three pumps up and down can persuade the other person you’re James Bond confident.

    Unless of course you’re a quiet person. And then it’s likely to be quite the opposite. Sure, I shake hands, I’m British after all, but my consciously firm hand shaking attempts left me feeling pushy and competitive.

    That’s not the way my confidence feels good on meeting new people.

    Instead of forcing your handshake, offer the genuine quiet greeting your confidence is comfortable with and let the other person meet the real you first off.

    9. Make physical contact. 

    A touch can say so much. It can be warm, assured, reassuring even, and can make you seem more confident.

    And I was well aware of that, but every time I tried to pat someone on the back, or touch them on the shoulder, it felt more like I was taking a liberty than offering a friendly gesture. It felt way too intimate.

    As a somewhat reserved person, gentle or friendly physical contact might be well intentioned but if it’s uninvited, that gentle tap can feel more of a Zap.

    So instead of fake physical intimacy, let the authenticity of your personality affect them instead.

    “Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man.” ~Iain Duncan Smith

    True, all our lives we’ve been shown that loud is better, that loud wins.

    Which is why you hoped so hard that the good advice you tried was going to be the answer.

    It’s still good advice… for anyone not like you.

    But if you can stop seeing quiet as the chink in your armor of confidence, you’ll leap a thousand steps in being more self-assured.

    Your own unique version of confidence is quiet. Quiet confidence.

    Make peace with your quietness.

    Because quiet confidence can conquer the world.

    If it wants to.

  • How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

    How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

    You are beautiful 1

    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” ~Proverb

    I struggled with body image for years while I was living in Europe because I have a very fair complexion, oily skin, and thin hair.

    During my childhood, people would look at me and comment on how pale I looked and ask my mother if I was anemic. Later on, as I was growing up, people who met me would ask if I was ill, or they would say that I look exhausted, tired, and weak.

    It was most difficult during the summers, when there was always a social pressure to get a tan, as I heard a lot of negative comments then. I didn’t perceive myself as beautiful, nor did I think I would ever, until I came to India for the first time.

    In India, bright skin is synonymous with beauty (beautiful means fair!), and everyone complimented me there, telling me how beautiful I am, that I am “bright like the moon.”

    They also admired my silky, smooth hair and oily skin—in India, they call it “glowing skin” and appreciate it because skin can get very dry, with the hot weather.

    Indian women would ask me over and over to share the secret behind my glowing skin, and they wouldn’t believe that it was naturally so oily; they’d think that it must be some cosmetic product from Europe that I didn’t want to tell them about.

    Suddenly I realized why all my Indian friends, who lived in my hometown back in Europe, would not leave the house without the sunscreen, why they’d always tell me that I’d be considered very pretty in India, and why they’d joke that I’d get married quickly there!

    I was shocked when I realized how much money people, both men and women, spend in India for fairness beauty products. Some women even bleach their skin with hydrogen peroxide-based cosmetics. Yet, in Western countries, people spend a ton of money on tanning products and solariums to get darker skin.

    I realized in India how beauty is socially constructed and started feeling beautiful in my own (fair) skin for the first time in my entire life. Or, I should say, I discovered how beautiful I am, with all my Western “imperfections.”

    For last two and a half years, since I’ve been living in India, people who knew me for a long time comment on how I look much more beautiful now and ask me to share my secret.

    I don’t deny that Indian vegetarian food and the abundance of tropical fruits, together with natural beauty products with neem, heena, herbal oils and sandalwood, are part of the equation. But I believe the major reason is that I started feeling beautiful and good in my own skin.

    Here are seven things I learned that can help us all feel better in our skin, with all of our “imperfections.”

    1. Beauty is socially constructed.

    This was one of the biggest aha moments I had in India. While we may not be considered as good looking in our own country, in some other part of the world we may be perceived as a beautiful person.

    In some other part of the world, our height, complexion, hair color, facial features, and body shape—things we might see as “imperfections”—would be considered attractive traits.

    2. Our body is our home in this lifetime.

    We should be deeply grateful every single day that we have a body, which is our home and our vehicle in this lifetime. We can do so many things with our bodies—dance, swim, run, walk, talk, sit, move, hug our beloved, smile, eat, write, type, pick up objects, work, paint, cook, be intimate with our partner, and so much more!

    Instead of focusing on the color or shape of our eyes, which we may not like, we can focus on how fortunate we are that we can see. Instead of focusing on how skinny, thin, short, or fat our legs are, or how much cellulite we have, we can focus on how blessed we are that we can walk, and so on.

    3. True beauty comes from within.

    Although this saying may sound cliché, it’s actually true. No matter how many beautiful facial features a person may have, a sad or angry face is never pretty. No matter how beautiful a person’s appearance may be, if the same person behaves with disrespect to others, or acts rudely and arrogantly, people will not want to spend much time around him or her.

    A smile can bring radiance and beauty to every single face.

    An old wise saying suggests that our external beauty is often what gets people attracted to us, but it is our personality that makes them fall in love with us.

    4. Stop the negative self-talk.

    If we observe the thoughts running through our mind every single day and notice negative self-talk about our body image, we need to consciously stop ourselves and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

    Telling ourselves that we are “fat like a cow,” “ugly as a beast,” or that we look “pale and sick” will do us no good. It will only crush our self-esteem and makes us feel insecure and less worthy.

    We need to observe these kinds of thoughts and decide that we will not continue repeating the same old negative story over and over again; instead, we will embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections.

    It can be hard in the beginning, but the first step to letting go of the negative self-talk is to observe and notice these thoughts coming up. Once we become aware, we can replace them with more positive ones, like, for example, we can focus on what we like about our appearance, or what we like about ourselves that has nothing to do with our appearance.

    5. Self-care is the road to self-love.

    Self-care can help us feel better in our skin and our body immensely. Nourishing our body with nutritious food, good quality cosmetic products, and massages, and practicing some form of physical activity that we enjoy, will not only help us to feel good in our skin, but also to love and respect ourselves more in the long run.

    6. Confidence is more attractive than good looks.

    Imagine that you have a choice to date one of two people: The first is someone who is good looking, but very insecure, who doesn’t feel worthy and needs a ton of validation and compliments, who doesn’t feel confident enough to express their feelings toward you.

    The second is someone who is average looking but communicative, funny, and courageous, who feels secure and good about him/herself and worthy of you, who makes you laugh all the time, and feels confident expressing their feelings toward you.

    Which one would you choose? Very likely the second type of person, right?

    7. There are lots of things we can do to feel better about our appearance, and feel better in our body.

    Although we cannot change our appearance to the extreme, there are so many things that are in our control, that we can do on a daily basis to feel and look better.

    We can wear clothes that resonate with our personality and make us feel more confident, we can do some form of exercise that improves our body tone, practice yoga or Pilates to improve our posture, get manicures, style our hair in a way that we like, nourish our skin, make sure we get enough sleep and drink plenty of water, decide to eat healthier, and so on.

    Though we should do these things for ourselves, if we feel good in our own skin and love ourselves, other people will instantly start perceiving us as more beautiful and loving as well.

  • How to Feel Good Enough (When You Feel Anything But)

    How to Feel Good Enough (When You Feel Anything But)

    Woman hiding

    “There are plenty of difficult obstacles in your path. Don’t allow yourself to become one of them.” ~Ralph Marston

    I recently had a personal conversation with someone who was describing some struggles they were experiencing. In passing, they mentioned “It’s okay for you, you’ve fought your battles” and went on to talk about how I’m married, I’m working in a career I love, and I’m “successful.”

    Listening to them, I could feel my heart breaking, partly for them: I know what it’s like to compare my insides to someone else’s outsides and find myself severely wanting.

    But I also felt a deep sadness tinged with frustration, because their assumption was so far from the truth.

    While I am incredibly grateful to have the relationship, the professional opportunities, and everything else I have—and it’s true there are some battles that are now in my past—there are also plenty of challenges I’m still navigating. The biggest one by far is around feeling good enough; feeling at peace and fulfilled with who I am and what I’m doing in life.

    For a long time, I used external achievement to buoy my sense of worthiness. Underneath that, however, hid a lot of shame and anxiety, because I thought I was somehow deficient compared to other people. I felt a constant need to reinvent myself and be more than I currently was to keep up with those around me.

    Feeling good enough (and defining what good enough is) has been one of my biggest struggles and something I’ve realized will possibly be a lifelong process.

    I’d like to share some of my experiences and talk about a few things I’ve found helpful for my own ongoing journey. If you also struggle to feel good enough as you are, I hope they are helpful for you too:

    1. “Good enough” looks like different things in different contexts. 

    I used to set myself up for failure by telling myself something needed to be perfect to be good enough. Now, I’ve learned “good enough” exists on a spectrum, influenced by the situation, the context and other things that are happening in life, as well as my well-being, my values, and my priorities.

    In her book Succeed, psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson explains it’s more helpful to focus on “getting better” rather than “being good.”

    When we focus on the latter, we tend to tie our self-worth to achievement and see ourselves either as a success or a failure. With the former, we are more open to the idea that skills, capability, and achievement are malleable things we can influence with our beliefs and behavior.

    When I tell myself the story that something has to go exactly to plan or it’s a total failure, I’m less likely to try things, I’m less open to feedback that will help me improve, and ultimately, I’m less likely to grow.

    If I try something and it doesn’t work out, it might feel painful in the short-term, but I know I’ll feel much better (and prouder of myself) looking back and knowing I’ve tried than looking back at a missed opportunity.

    I’ve also learned that it’s important to define “good enough” on my terms. Other people might have different ideas about what it means and looks like, but I can’t control that. Equally, there will always be someone who is smarter, more talented, more accomplished, more X and more Y than I am. The only person it’s helpful for me to compare myself to is me, yesterday.

    2. I focus on who I want to be more than what I want to achieve.

    Unhooking my self-worth from external achievement is still a work in progress, but one of the things I’ve found most helpful is focusing on the bigger picture. Sometimes this looks like asking myself, “How important is this particular thing going to be to me in ten years’ time?” (Usual answer: not very!). More often than not, it involves shifting from thinking about doing to being.

    While many of us place a huge amount of stock on external achievement, there are usually many variables beyond our control that influence the outcome of a situation. Even if we do our best and do everything right, we might still feel “not good enough” because those external variables mean we didn’t get the gold star or top prize.

    What we do have control over, however, are the qualities we embody. When I find myself slipping into “not good enough” thoughts, I find it helpful to stop and ask myself: Who do I want to be today? This reminds me I want to show up in my life as a creator, not as a victim, with compassion, not judgment, and calmly and wholeheartedly, rather than fighting an internal war.

    3. I focus on all the things I’m getting right (as well as the things I think I’m getting wrong).

    My inner critic is a champ at highlighting all the things I’m doing wrong and all the ways I could improve, usually with a big helping of shame and judgment on the side. A big part of my journey has been learning to turn down the volume on this part of my internal dialogue and turn up the volume on the part I call my inner mentor.

    My inner mentor is also good at pointing out things I could improve, but she does it with a very different tone.

    She is also a lot more question-orientated (while my inner critic throws statements around like confetti) and tends to ask open-ended queries like “How could you approach that situation differently in the future?”

    She also balances constructive criticism with acknowledging all the things I’m getting right too.

    I encourage my inner mentor with simple exercises like keeping a “have done” list (as opposed to a “to do” list) and taking time each week to reflect on positive experiences, new opportunities, things I feel proud of, and lessons learned.

     4. I remember just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

    Like my companion at the beginning of this post, I can feel very alone when I’m in the grip of a “not good enough” episode.

    During these times, and especially with the prevalence of curated social media feeds, it’s easy to look at other people’s lives and make all kinds of assumptions and judgments about how well things are going for them, even feeling a teensy bit resentful about how challenging our life feels compared to how easy theirs seems.

    Having spent the best part of the last decade working with emotional support in one capacity or another, I’ve realized that “good enough” is not the result of circumstance, achievement, money, or success.

    The Latin root of the word compassion is “suffering with.” Everyone feels like or fears they are not good enough at some point or another. Fearing that we are not good enough doesn’t make us not good enough; it just makes us human.

    Remembering this helps me feel less alone, which enables me to start gently challenging that voice and asking “Is that really true?” “What are the other alternatives here?” “How would I respond if my best friend was telling me this?” and “Who would I be without this belief? What would I do differently?”

    Finally, I’ve learned there isn’t a “one size fits all” way to feel comfortable and enough within ourselves. There are many different paths to the same destination, and the right path for us is the one that fits our values, feels truthful, and helps us connect with whom we truly are.

    How do you navigate feeling not good enough in your own life? I’d love to hear what you find most helpful, so leave a comment and share your thoughts.

  • How to Raise Your Self-Esteem So You Can Thrive in Life

    How to Raise Your Self-Esteem So You Can Thrive in Life

    “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Aren’t you tired of it?

    You know, that sneaking suspicion you aren’t enough.

    That inner commentary about where you fall short all the time. The mean internal remarks about your ability to handle life and how you just don’t measure up.

    And aren’t you fed up with how it’s been holding you back from pursuing what you truly desire?

    A better relationship or more meaningful work. That dream you’ve never told anyone because it just seems impossible when you think about going for it.

    Listen, I’ve been there too.

    My self-esteem was so low that I was eventually overcome by a terrible apathy, which turned into bouts of debilitating depression, which led to even lower self-esteem.

    It was a vicious cycle that started when, as a young child, I somehow disengaged from my true self and my higher power. This disconnection led to many irresponsible choices.

    The worst one was getting pregnant at sixteen and giving my baby up for adoption. It was the right thing to do given my situation, but I was consumed with grief and guilt for years.

    Then there were the addictions I created to cigarettes, overspending, anxiety medication, and alcohol.

    For years, I unconsciously went from one self-destructive behavior to another, rather than connect with and develop myself.

    As you can imagine, all this didn’t exactly build my sense of self-worth.

    Thankfully, I eventually found the courage to let go of the patterns that held me back, reclaim my true self, and recognize talents I never knew I had.

    Step by step, I was able to heal, rebuild my self-respect, and become who I am today—someone who never doubts that she is worthy of love, belonging, and all of life’s riches.

    How I Raised My Self-Esteem and How You Can Too

    1. Take a risk.

    We’re often afraid to show the messy, flawed, and vulnerable part of ourselves to others. But it’s a tremendous relief when you do and someone accepts you just as you are.

    When I finally shared my teen pregnancy and adoption story with a friend, I was so surprised when she told me the same had happened to her, only she had decided on an abortion. In that moment, our connection deepened, and my emotional wounds healed a little bit more.

    Shame vanishes when you receive support and understanding from others. We must stop trying to appear perfect by keeping our perceived flaws a secret and going it alone.

    2. Don’t get stuck in regret.

    Accept the reality that we all make mistakes, and choose not to get stuck in regret.

    Mourn your slip-ups fully, learn from them, and make amends where possible. Then forgive yourself, and let go of the past so that you can move forward, knowing you’ve done your best.

    Try to view difficult circumstances as opportunities to grow in awareness rather than as blows to knock you down. Accept the things you can’t change, change the things that are under your control, and keep heading in a positive direction. Strive to go forward and deeper within as well.

    3. Refocus your attention.

    Rather than focusing on your flaws, pay attention to everything that’s good about you and makes you unique.

    Come up with an actual list, and refer to it often to remind yourself of your strengths. This might include your natural talents, your learned skills, your achievements, your dreams, and even your healthy relationships.

    Cultivate extra self-confidence by choosing one item from your list and honing it further until it turns into something you can be even more proud of.

    You can actively direct your attention to creating the kind of experiences you want in life and becoming the person you want to be.

    4. Strive for integrity.

    Live in accord with life-affirming values such as truth and kindness. You feel proud of yourself when you seek the truth and do the right thing—the thing that gives you a sense of integrity and wholeness.

    Take time to identify what matters most to you. Then measure all your choices and actions against these core values, making sure you’re in alignment.

    Living this way simplifies decision-making and leads to genuine integrity.

    For example, loving-kindness is currently my highest core value. It’s important to me to treat myself, other people, Earth, and all living things with love and compassion. So when I have a choice to make or face a challenge, I often ask myself, “What would love do?”

    5. Develop your self-trust.

    Self-esteem rises when you know you can trust yourself, when you trust your own instincts and intuition over the ideas of others, and when you’ve proven to yourself that you can face disappointment and frustration without becoming destabilized.

    The more you can handle stress by self-soothing and finding strength within rather than escaping into self-destructive behaviors, the more you will trust yourself.

    And the more you honor your core values when facing life’s inevitable challenges, the better your outcomes will be, leading to more self-trust.

    In this way, you can build a sense of security and self-contained confidence that is not based on the approval of others.

    6. Be of service.

    Look around for how you can connect with and help others in your everyday life. Even a smile or a kind word can make a difference to someone else and instantly increase your sense of self-worth.

    Consider volunteering for a cause you care about that needs your particular skills. One of the best things I ever did was volunteer as a head coach in my local Girls On the Run after-school program.

    Empowering young girls to be joyful, healthy, and confident lifted my spirits and boosted my self-confidence. There’s no better feeling than knowing you truly helped someone.

    7. Never, ever give up.

    You must not allow negative thoughts to overwhelm you. Stand up for yourself no matter what. When you choose to be positive, you know you’re doing your best and can feel good about yourself, despite unfavorable circumstances.

    No matter what difficulties show up in your life—even if things seem hopeless—don’t ever give up on yourself. Always choose to channel your energy in a positive, productive direction.

    “Most of the important things in the world,” said personal development teacher Dale Carnegie, “have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

    You: Necessary, Valuable, and Worthy of Reverence

    The truth is, healthy self-esteem requires ongoing vigilance and upkeep. It calls for self-understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, plus large doses of self-compassion.

    It’s a tall order, but it’s worth the effort.

    We’ve all made excruciating mistakes, encountered harsh criticism, and experienced crushing disappointment. We’ve all taken a hit to our self-worth at one time or another.

    But you are just as entitled to good relationships, fulfilling work, and having your dreams come true as anyone else.

    After all, your being born a human here on Earth was, in itself, a miraculous event. It means that your uniqueness is necessary, valuable, and worthy of reverence.

    So don’t cheat us of your gifts by getting stuck in low self-esteem. We need you out here in the world.

    In the words of spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, “You are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are!”

  • How To Shine Your Own Light and Let Go of Envy

    How To Shine Your Own Light and Let Go of Envy

    Woman Standing on the Moon

    “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

    “Look at her, who does she think she is?”

    “He’s so full of himself. He’s so big headed”

    Have you ever heard these types of expressions being used? Have you said them yourself?

    I have.

    Or at least I used to. I was taught to believe that people who shine their light were showing off. That they were brazen and big headed. But what does being full of yourself actually mean? Seriously, what does it mean?

    Is it being cocky or could it simply be having confidence in who you are? Is it being arrogant or might it just be saying no to playing small?

    Plainly put, being full of yourself is to be brimming over with who you are. How utterly amazing is that? To be full of who you are. Not empty. Not lacking. Full.

    Why do we believe that celebrating our greatness is something to be scorned?

    We worry that if we let all of our colors blaze brightly, we’ll be perceived as being “too much.” We end up trying to throw shade on our most vibrant parts in order to blend in.

    Are we supposed to walk some kind of middle line in life? Between shine and shame?

    When we purposely set out to dilute who we are, we are denying ourselves our birthright to live in full bloom. Full expression.

    When do we ever walk through a garden of gorgeous flowers and wish that they were less vibrant? Less alive? We don’t. We marvel at their utter beauty and proud glory. We don’t ask them to diminish their splendor. We simply ask them to be all that they are.

    If we place ourselves in the shadows then we not only prevent our true light from radiating out, but we’re also left feeling envious of those that are basking in their own fabulous glow. 

    I used to look longingly at other people who I’d see exuding sparkly confidence. I’d yearn to have their self-assuredness and be able to live out loud without apology.

    It wasn’t until I stopped wistfully wanting what I thought I lacked, and started focusing on what I was already rich with, that everything changed.

    I said no to seeking approval. I said no to coveting the lives of others. I said yes to being me.

    My life transformed when I stepped onto the stage of my own life, rather than hiding in the wings watching someone else’s performance. Every step I’ve taken since has gifted me farther toward empowerment and farther away from self-doubt.

    Do you secretly envy somebody else’s life? Do you spend hours obsessing about how amazing they appear to be? What if you took some of that energy and invested it into your most precious stock? Yourself. 

    Try this simple visualization exercise to get you back on point.

    Imagine yourself sitting in front of a mirror illuminated with light bulbs, the ones you see in the dressing rooms that film stars use. Your reflection in the mirror radiates love, happiness, and confidence. The lights are bright and beautiful. So are you. So amazingly beautiful.

    Remember this: every single time you waste energy wishing you had somebody else’s life, a light in your own life goes out. One of those bulbs dies. Your reflection loses a little bit of its sparkle. Those bulbs need your life force to keep shining. Why are you illuminating someone else’s reflection? Why are you giving your energy to their light bulbs?

    Light up your life. This is the one time you don’t need to be environmentally conscious! Burn those lights, baby! I’m talking Times Square bright. Because otherwise all those lights will lose their will to shine and you’ll be fumbling around in the dark trying to find a torch. And that’s not the look we’re going for here.

    So now you’ve got your own glow going here are a few other ways to keep the spark alive:

    1. Get creative.

    When we concentrate on our own passions it makes it much more difficult for our minds to stray and worry about what everyone else is doing.

    If you feel stuck in a rut and unsure of how to move forward, then getting immersed in a creative project can be an amazing way to shift any stagnant energy. Maybe you want to explore photography; perhaps sketching or sculpting appeal to you. Creativity is a wonderful tool for self-expression and can bring so much joy as well as clarity.

    2. Avoid too much toxicity.

    It can be hard to feel bright and beautiful when we’re in an environment that doesn’t feel supportive. Limit time with negative people and spend more time with those who champion you and believe in your abilities. We all need some encouragement from time to time.

    Take time to encourage others to shine their light, too—it inspires a domino effect which creates a global glow!

    3. Stay present, but look forward.

    In the yoga pose Warrior II, one hand reaches forward and the other hand extends back. The head (and mind) are centered.

    It’s such a wonderful symbol of past, present, and future. The back hand is the past—don’t look that way, you’re not going in that direction. Stay centered and keep your mind in the present, but focus your gaze on where you’re going: forward. Possibility lies ahead.

    —

    Shine your light like only you can. And don’t apologize for it. The world does not benefit from you living in the shadows. The world does not benefit from you wasting your energy on envy. And the world most certainly does not benefit from you living in shame and fear. It benefits from your incredible, colorful contribution.

    Your empowerment carriage awaits. It’s time to get in.

    Girl on the moon image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways to Feel Confident Doing Things That Scare You

    10 Ways to Feel Confident Doing Things That Scare You

    i Think I Can

    “With confidence, you have won before you have started.” ~Marcus Garvey

    It’s not a great feeling.

    Whether it’s meeting new people, speaking in front of a crowd, or learning a new skill, that inner knowing that you just aren’t feeling strong enough to competently complete the task ahead festers inside you.

    I’ve had this feeling on numerous occasions.

    As a kid I developed a fear of speaking out which emerged from a deep discontent with my body image, which translated later into a fear of socializing and public speaking.

    I would have thoughts running through my mind such as “what if they don’t like me?” and I was constantly worried about my physical appearance.

    I noticed this limited my ability to maintain friendships, as I couldn’t hold a natural, genuine conversation for long periods.

    As the years went on, however, I realized that a lack of confidence is something that we unconsciously acquire, not something that’s inherently built into our DNA.

    This spurred me to want to know how I can remove what I had accidently learned as a child.

    I also realized that confidence is not just a matter of being larger-than-life in the way we stand and speak.

    It’s a deeper level of a much simpler state: comfort.

    Comfort in your own skin, in your own body, or whatever the situation is.

    As an introvert, I still to this day prefer to avoid busy social situations or speaking with new people, but there’s not a fear or anxiety attached. It’s simply a preference.

    And one thing I know for sure is that confidence is not a matter of luck. It is, as many things are, a matter of mindset.

    Take the following simple, proven steps I took to become much more confident in all situations:

    1. Get crystal clear on the worst-case scenario.

    Popularised by Dan Gilbert in his book Stumbling on Happiness, our ability to predict accurately how good something will feel when something goes right, as well as how bad something will feel when something goes wrong, is vastly inaccurate. This is known as affective forecasting, and we are all prone to it.

    So instead of guessing, try writing down in words what would be the worst-case scenario if what you wanted to be confident in went completely wrong.

    You’ll notice that it’s never that bad. Life will still continue, and you can grow from the experience.

    Knowing this can put you at ease and prevent you from overestimating the consequences of taking that first step.

    2. Ready, fire, aim!

    Overthinking is the enemy of confidence. You’re better off jumping into the deep end and correcting errors rather than treading cautiously around the situation trying to pursue perfection, which is nothing other than an excuse for procrastinating.

    Show yourself you can be confident by doing the most confident thing of all: beginning.

    Take that first step and adjust accordingly afterward. You’ll make mistakes and feel a lack of confidence initially, but you’ll have laid the foundations for long-term inner strength and true confidence in the near future.

    3. Respect the law of excellence.

    As we all know, a few fundamentals are necessary to succeed in anything. We can all agree that repetition is one of them.

    If you want to gain confidence in something, you must do it over and over again.

    Why is practice so effective? Because confidence has a direct correlation with competence.

    Think about it; when you’re able to complete a task easily, don’t you naturally feel confident doing it?

    For example, when I wanted to develop more confidence talking to new people, I would simple practice talking to strangers as often as possible. With time, I realized that the worst-case scenario was never that bad, it’s better to say something before my mind could put me into fear, and I should repeat this as many times as possible.

    4. Watch your posture.

    Although confidence is not exclusively about the posture you hold and the gestures you make, as often stereotyped, posturing your body for confidence is important.

    Amy Cuddy, associate professor at Harvard Business School, became famous for her research that showed how standing and sitting confidently for a couple of minutes changes our biochemical layout in our brains, and thus actually affects how we feel.

    The takeaway: Our internal physiology responds to our bodily movements, including our posture and facial expressions. To instantly feel more confident, make your body first look as it would look if you felt confident. Simple, fast, free, and very effective.

    5. Maintain optimism, no matter what.

    When a situation makes us feel insecure, it’s really because we’re picturing an extremely negative outcome.

    The essence of being confident is to imagine a positive outcome instead of a negative one.

    Easier said than done, right?

    I agree! In my experience, however, the more you do this consciously, the more it becomes a habit, and eventually it becomes natural to think this way.

    In addition, the more competent you become in a given situation, the more you naturally develop a thought process where you imagine a positive outcome, every time.

    6. Step out of your comfort zone regularly.

    You’ll never know what you’re capable of until you touch the edges of your comfort zone on a regular basis.

    Once you reach the edge, you’ll have expanded your capabilities, and the circle of comfort will increase.

    This helps greatly because what you had previously felt was uncomfortable becomes second nature, and you have a new level of discomfort to challenge you to grow and expand your level of confidence.

    7. Remove all distractions.

    We want to know we can develop confidence not only authentically, but swiftly too. Like any skill, the more we remove unnecessary distractions, the quicker we can become better at it.

    For example, when I wanted to become more confident with public speaking, I regarded it as a new skill I was learning and developing, and thus I consciously decided to put everything else on the back burner so that I could focus solely on this one skill.

    In addition to harnessing your focus for faster improvements, removing distractions also creates extra time, which, as we discussed in tip #3, allows you to pursue excellence by increasing the frequency of practice.

    8. Be mindful of negative thoughts.

    This is by far one of the most virtuous habits to adopt for confidence.

    As mentioned before, a lack of confidence most often has its basis in thoughts that are unhelpful. To be able to step back and watch these thoughts, the moment they arise, causes an immediate release of negative emotional energy.

    It’s human nature to be self-critical at times: What if he doesn’t like me? What if she notices this flaw about me? Why do I always act this way?

    But none of these thoughts have power to bring us down without our belief in them. To reduce our attachment to them, we must first be aware of when they arise.

    From here, we can use the beautiful gift we have been given—our thought—to challenge these negative assumptions and eventually turn them around.

    With time and resilience, these thoughts will not even arise, and confidence will be a natural by-product.

    9. Exercise regularly.

    Our scientific understanding of neurophysiology proves that exercise has a beneficial effect on our moods.

    What many people don’t know, however, is that exercise has a direct impact on our confidence too.

    What’s even less known is that it’s not about how frequently you exercise, nor is it the intensity with which you exercise. It’s simply the mere act of exercising versus not exercising that can affect our levels of confidence.

    Researchers from the University of California reviewed fifty-seven case studies on how exercise influences mood and mental health, and they found that with the release of endorphins in the brain during exercise, we can develop a sense of increased self-confidence.

    So no need to enter the gym. Go for a pleasant walk every day. Your body and your mind will thank you for it.

    10. Feel the bass.

    Music is one of those universally loved forms of art. It can make us feel heightened states of emotion, both positive and negative.

    You can also use music to increase your confidence. Researchers from the Kellogg School of Management found that the right type of background music can be hugely effective in making you feel powerful and confident.

    Specifically, bass-heavy music can make us feel a boost in confidence. We often see this in stadiums before large sporting events, or when athletes or musicians psyche themselves up for an important performance.

    So don’t be afraid to get your headphones on and blast your favorite jams before your next event.

    Be Strong

    Remember, above all, you have the strength and intelligence within you to overcome any obstacle that’s in your way of living the life you truly deserve.

    Confidence is an attribute you can develop within yourself using these simple steps.

    Before you know it, you’ll be ready to take on the world with an unbeatable inner strength and power.

    And remember, never let anything get in your way.

    I think I can image via Shutterstock

  • Shedding Layers of Pain and Learning to Love Our Bodies

    Shedding Layers of Pain and Learning to Love Our Bodies

    Amy Pence-Brown

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” ~Buddha

    I cried when I watched the YouTube clip of Amy Pence-Brown standing in a bikini in a crowded marketplace in Idaho.

    In the clip Amy asks people to write on her body. Her arms are wide open, she has a blindfold on, she has curves and cellulite, and she is completely vulnerable.

    Why did she do it? Because she wanted to say: Here’s my body, complete and real. You can choose to accept me or reject me, but here’s my body. I want to make a statement that all bodies are valuable. I want to work toward self-acceptance.

    I cried because she was doing the inverse of what we have trained ourselves to do.

    I cried because I have spent most of my life disliking my body.

    I cried because I recognized how brave Amy’s gesture was.

    I cried because people were kind and wrote words and symbols of love and acceptance all over her body.

    I cried because I’ve experienced the inverse.

    I cried because so many of us have experienced the inverse.

    Let’s acknowledge just how deep it goes.

    I know a lot of people write about this. The advice is usually that we need to ignore the billboards and societal pressure and to stop striving for the body perfection we’ve been taught to seek; that instead, we should embark on a journey to love the skin we’re in.

    This is all true but it doesn’t really acknowledge just how very hard this is to do. It’s flippant.

    The fact is that many of us have had days, weeks, months, and years of messaging. It’s first come from external sources but is then repeated over and over again internally. The messaging is that our bodies are not okay; that they unacceptable.

    We have been living in a house that we’ve been taught to dislike or hate for a very long time.

    So when we are told that we should learn to love our bodies, we need to recognize that this is not an easy thing to do by any means. It’s going to take work and focus and a lot of grace and love.

    The whole debate about whether someone should be happy with themselves as “fat” or “thin” or “athletic” or “normal” is immaterial.

    When love is given, it doesn’t matter what shape it’s given to. It’s just given. Really, that’s what we are all looking for. When we think of our body we want to think of it lovingly. I’m not talking about pride here as pride arises from comparison and ego; I’m talking about love.

    Can we remember what it was like before?

    How on earth do we learn to love our bodies given that we have years of training to hate them?

    When I thought about what it would really take to love my body, given what I was up against, I had a fleeting memory of myself as a young girl playing in a stream on a sand island off the coast of Australia.

    I was determined to build a wall to block the stream so I could have a bath. I remembered how fun that was and exactly how it felt to be in that body.

    I then remembered other experiences in my young body like doing high jump, running around in bare feet, climbing up trees, dancing, and swimming in the ocean.

    I remembered back then I didn’t think of my body as anything other than a vehicle for adventure. In fact, there were many times I didn’t think of my body at all.

    I then started to think about the exact point in my life when I started to acknowledge and dislike my body. For me it was around puberty when my body started to fill out.

    I got pimples and started to be rated by others as attractive or unattractive. Soon boys rejected me or were indifferent, and the appearance of my body became a priority. My outside was now part of my worth.

    My body was affecting my social standing. I saw the people who had better bodies become more popular; their experience of life seemed effortless. Whether or not this was the reality was lost to me.

    In these formative years I would consciously or subconsciously direct my thoughts to how much I disliked my body.

    I had years of training before my twenties hit, so these thoughts didn’t go away even though, in my case, the pressure to have the perfect body did.

    After all of this remembering I asked myself, how I could get back to the little girl in the stream that was determined to build that dam?

    I looked down at my body. It’s not something we body traumatized people often do.

    Then. One by one, little by little I saw grey layers form around my body.

    I knew that these layers were old.

    They had formed over many, many years.

    They built on each other, binding together.

    They built over the little girl.

    They were the specific experiences that had haunted me. They were the memories of the people who rejected my body, who had called me ugly, whether it was through a gesture, a look, or words. They were the moments when I experienced overwhelming dislike for various parts of my body.

    I acknowledged that there were a lot of layers and my job was to work through them bit by bit. To thank the memory and experiences, to cry and to say that’s enough, I’d like to move on, thank you very much. You will not define me or my concept of who I am anymore.

    For the truth of it is that these are just layers and underneath them all is the girl that didn’t see her body as anything other than a vehicle for adventure. She is still gloriously there.

    I know there a lot of us out there who have these layers.

    I know that the journey toward body love is not simple.

    I wondered what would life be like if we worked through these layers and shed them with the goal of coming back to the part of ourselves that is unencumbered. I wondered if this would mean that this part of our existence would be a little freer, a little more joyful?

    Amy Pence-Brown did a very brave thing and stood in a crowded marketplace. She asked people to love her body, and they did.

    Her reward for this brave act was a shedding of some her own layers of pain and hurt and I’ve no doubt that she loved herself just a little more on that day.

    We have that opportunity to love in this lifetime as well. We just need to remember.

    Photo by Melanie Folwell 

  • Discover Your Inner Confidence Through Skills You Already Love

    Discover Your Inner Confidence Through Skills You Already Love

    Confidence

    “I think a lot of people mistake my confidence on stage for cockiness in real life, and that’s actually farthest from the truth. When I’m on stage, I’m that confident and that cocky because I have a microphone in my hand, and there’s a few thousand people staring at me. And I know they’re there to laugh.” ~Russell Peters

    When I was ten, I opened the black, roughly textured box with the metal clasps, pulling out my first saxophone.

    The alto sax would come to represent my inner confidence. My true self. The person who paints with sound the complex musical phrases that make people smile.

    By the time I was in college, no crowd was large enough to intimidate me. Playing music was the ultimate outlet of my creative and emotional expression.

    As I write this, I can close my eyes and hear the rhythm section play the laid-back, sultry intro to John Coltrane’s Equinox. It’s a minor twelve-bar blues.

    The melody is simple, but it takes you somewhere. My fingers find the keys without thought. When my chance to improvise a solo arrives, it’s freedom.

    Okay, I’m passionate about this, as you can tell. Isn’t that the point?

    Passion and doing something really well are inseparable lovers. When you’ve crafted something into exquisite refinement, passion effortlessly flows from it.

    That’s my experience playing music, at least. But it wasn’t always that way.

    When I was a beginner, the saxophone was an intimidating beast of metal keys and rods. Perplexing like those handheld puzzle toys, or your first Rubik’s cube.

    Over time:

    • I learned one note, then two. Eventually I had all twelve.
    • I learned one rhythm, then another, which led to playing melodies.
    • I learned basic cords, then complex cords, and then I could improvise.
    • I played in school concerts, then small gigs, then large concert halls.

    This didn’t happen overnight. It took me about six years to become “pretty good.” There were eureka moments along the way where I took larger steps.

    Eventually, with deliberate effort, I knew enough to feel comfortable teaching others.

    Have you ever tried to learn a new skill? Hard work, isn’t it? It takes effort and time. Unless you’re a genius. And I’ve met very few of those.

    Start with What You’re Proud Of

    Write down ten skills you’re proud of. I know it sounds like a lot, but ten is the magic number. Use language that expresses your pride deeply.

    Nunchuck skills, bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills (Okay, that was a lame Napoleon Dynamite reference).

    For example, I am proud that I can:

    1. Play sweet sounds on the saxophone
    2. Write well-researched, logically-organized blog posts.
    3. Design rock-solid, bug-free software that helps people
    4. Run a consistent, 23-minute 5K.
    5. Stay fit so I can play with my kids—like a kid
    6. Organize my time to be amazingly productive
      [ugh…this is getting hard…]
    7. Read one book every week
    8. Study academic papers and distill the key points
    9. Build sturdy furniture for our house through woodworking
    10. Cook delicious, healthy meals that nourish my family

    Your turn! Do this exercise. It’s an important first step.

    After all, how can you work on something new, like building supreme confidence, without knowing what worked for you in the past?

    Next, read the list out loud. Mentally reinforce your exceptional skills. When you’re struggling or trying to master a new skill, read it again. These are your reminders that mastery is possible.

    You Can Master Anything; the Skinny on Accelerated Learning

    In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell suggested that, with 10,000 hours of practice, anybody could become a world-class expert in any skill. He cited an academic article in Psychological Review titled, “The Role of Deliberate Practice in the Acquisition of Expert Performance.”

    In the article, the authors found that:

    “The differences between expert performers and normal adults reflect a life-long period of deliberate effort to improve performance in a specific domain.”

    Gladwell admitted that this doesn’t apply to skills that require genetic ability, like sports. But it works like a champ for everyday skills.

    Also, how you practice makes a huge difference.

    Therefore, we can say that repeatedly taking the right actions to improve performance will make you much better at a skill.

    Successful author and entrepreneur Tim Ferriss created a thirteen-part TV show called The Tim Ferriss Experiment. In the show, Tim acts as a “human guinea pig” by learning challenging skills—where he has no experience—in a ridiculously short period.

    For example, he learned how to play the drums, speak another language, and play golf. He sought out the world’s masters to crank up the process. Tim is living proof that you can learn just about anything, with no experience, and become very good at it. You can even do it quickly.

    Here’s the formula for mastering a skill:

    1. Identify what to work on—by seeking out experts.
    2. Identify how to work on these—see same experts.
    3. Put in deliberate, consistent effort—by carving out the time and developing habits.

    Question: How do I seek out experts (steps 1 and 2)?

    It’s the twenty-first century, my friend! Use the Internet—eBooks, blogs, podcasts, webinars. Or go traditional with paper books and conferences. Seek and ye shall find.

    Question: How do I put in deliberate, consistent effort (step 3)?

    In her book Everybody Writes, Ann Handley says that practicing thirty minutes each day is much more effective than practicing for four straight hours. If you do the math, that’s 210 minutes spread out over a week vs. 240 minutes in one sitting. Less time? I’ll take that any day.

    Go ahead and schedule daily time on your calendar and use an automatic reminder. Even if it’s just fifteen minutes every day. Focus on only the one skill during those fifteen minutes. You will progress rapidly from amateur to ace.

    When I look back on the list of skills I’m proud of, I realize that I went through this process for every single one. Sometimes it took me awhile to figure out what to practice or how to practice it, but then step 3 would create a feedback loop to steps 1 and 2.

    What Are You Waiting For? Discover Your Inner Confidence!

    I get wonderfully lost in the moment when I’m on stage. I’m relaxed. I’m having the time of my life. But a few years ago, if you asked me to put down my sax and say a few words to the audience? {Silence} {Heart beating faster} {Sweat, anxiety, palpitations}

    I couldn’t do it!

    Like almost everybody with a pulse, I was afraid of public speaking.

    But one day, I realized I was stuck. In my job, in my ability to move up, in my temporal position in space-time (Okay, that’s a stretch, but still a factual statement).

    I realized that, to pursue better opportunities, to network with people who could help me, and to portray myself as a true professional, I needed to be more confident.

    First thought: “Nah, I’m an introverted, socially awkward engineer. Not gonna happen.”

    …a few minutes go by as I ponder my continued stagnation…

    Second thought: “Hmm. How will I know unless I try? Let’s do this!”

    At that point, I decided to take up a new skill: the skill of confidence.

    I read books and blogs on speaking and influence, joined Toastmasters, attended public speaking conferences, and volunteered for small leadership positions.

    As I delved into this world with abandon, I noticed the same names and concepts surfacing repeatedly. I followed the breadcrumbs. They led me to the master craftsmen—people who could accelerate my learning because they had already toiled through the process.

    During this adventure (yes, that’s what it is!), I worked on my confidence every day.

    My first few speeches were god-awful. My next few were a bit better. I experimented with hacks to accelerate my learning, including self-feedback through video and round-robin evaluations.

    This new skill of mine started snowballing. I was a finalist in a humorous speech contest. I started mentoring others, including interns, colleagues, and anyone who was curious.

    Fast-forward to today: I finally feel I’m mastering the art of confidence.

    See what I did there? I used the A-word.

    Art.

    When you practice a skill, it becomes your passion. You start connecting with others, who respond with deep, meaningful emotion.

    You’ve arrived at artistry—the ultimate in human expression.

    Okay, enough daydreaming! Go forth use your inner confidence to develop outer confidence:

    • Look at your list of already-mastered skills to get motivated.
    • Identify a new skill to master, like confidence.
    • Seek out experts (online, books, podcasts, webinars, conferences).
    • Develop a fifteen-plus minute daily habit of working on the skill.
    • Conquer the skill.

    Did you try the exercises? Are you excited about your journey toward mastery of a new skill? 

    Confident boy image via Shutterstock

  • How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    Sad man

    “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou 

    Have you ever been the recipient of put-downs, snide remarks, or hostile language?

    If you have, your confidence may have suffered a significant nosedive.

    I once attended a summer music camp for young musicians. I was studying the piano and enjoyed playing classical music, but I always had a deep fear of performing in front of others, especially other highly skilled musicians.

    Desiring to overcome this crippling fear, I decided to audition for an upcoming recital. To my surprise, the audition went smoothly, and I qualified to play in the recital.

    Though my performance was far from flawless due to my overwhelming anxiety, I was proud of how I’d faced my fears and completed my performance despite some significant slips.

    Some days later, a faculty member asked me to be a page-turner for him for the next recital. I agreed to do so. After that recital, a fellow student approached me afterward and said:

    “You page-turn way better than you play.”

    After the initial shock had worn off, I tried to brush off the comment. But the voice in my head was swirling with all kinds of thoughts like, “Serves me right for trying to play in the big leagues,” and, “She’s probably right because she is a much better pianist than I am.”

    Her biting words festered in me for weeks and months after the camp was over. I’d lost whatever little confidence I had in my ability to play in public. I’d lost confidence in myself, period. I felt helpless and eventually wanted to quit playing.

    However, with time and perspective, my confidence slowly returned. And after some reflection, I realized that we can take effective steps to mitigate the damage in the face of significant put-downs:

    1. Acknowledge your feelings.

    After the incident, I experienced a series of emotions. My initial surprise turned to anger, which then turned to shame. As I tried to deny the emotions I was feeling, they grew stronger and began to manifest in unexpected and destructive ways.

    My first step back on the path to confidence was to acknowledge the emotions I was feeling. Doing so allowed me to observe them rather than be swept away by them.

    If you’re struggling with difficult emotions after a put-down, acknowledge the feelings. Allow them to pass through you without resisting or attaching yourself to them, always remembering this simple truth: you are not your emotions.

    2. Contain the damage.

    When we’re put-down, our confidence suffers because we over-generalize and make faulty conclusions about ourselves using the internalized negativity of others.

    Regaining my own confidence meant replacing my initial conclusion of “I am a bad pianist” with “I performed that day to the best of my ability.”

    If you’re put down or criticized, confine your feelings about the criticism to the action being criticized rather than making it about you. Do this even when the criticism feels like a personal attack.

    In fact, the more personal the put-down, the greater the likelihood that the incident is more about the other person’s insecurities than it is about you.

    3. Focus on the positive.

    Put-downs can make us feel small.

    Sometimes, they can feel like a powerful vortex sucking you down or like a powerful ocean current that sweeps you under water. It’s tempting to feel like you have no control over how you feel when you’re caught in a hostile situation.

    But you do have power. You can choose to focus on the positive.

    In my situation, this meant choosing not to focus on how small the comment “made” me feel. Instead, I chose to focus on how I was willing to put myself out there and fail in order to grow.

    When you decide to choose your attitude, you’ll create an emotional shield that can withstand any insult. Why? Because you’ll understand the powerful truth that it’s not the put-down that makes or breaks your confidence; it’s how you choose to think and feel about it.

    4. Realize that your worth is intrinsic.

    We all struggle with the tendency to tie our worth to our abilities and the opinions of others. We let our sense of worthiness depend on performance—on the job, at home, and even when we’re just hanging out with friends.

    We exhaust ourselves by constantly trying to measure up to implicit or explicit standards and expectations. But the sense of self-worth we so desperately seek outside of ourselves already resides within us.

    Because I couldn’t play the piano like the person who was judging me, I felt unworthy and useless—despite how well I played. But I’ve learned that my worthiness does not come from my ability as a pianist. My worth is intrinsic to who I am as a human being.

    It cannot be bought or earned, but simply uncovered.

    You do not have to wait to be accomplished in the eyes of others to feel worthy. You can choose to feel worthy right now.

    5. Forgive and let go.

    When someone hurts you deeply with their words, the last thing on your mind at that moment is forgiveness. But your willingness to forgive and let go will lift your spirit and restore your confidence in yourself and others.

    My path back to self-confidence meant forgiving the person who made the careless and hurtful remark to me. This doesn’t mean that I tried to become her friend, or pretended the incident never happened, or demanded she apologize.

    It just meant that I chose to stop holding on to my negative feelings toward her and let them pass through me.

    It meant forgiving myself for allowing the experience to control my life for a time. It meant giving up the comfort and safety of self-loathing that gave me permission to avoid the pain, but also the payoff, of personal growth.

    What past insults are you clinging to right now? Trust that you won’t fall into the abyss if you let them go.

    You Alone Are Enough

    Are you willing to give up years, even decades, of joyful and confident living over mean-spirited remarks?

    Are you willing to believe the lies others tell you so that they can feel better about themselves?

    Are you willing to play small rather than rise to every occasion?

    I didn’t think so.

    Refuse to believe the voices that say you are not intelligent enough, beautiful enough, or worthy enough.

    Because you alone are enough. And only you have the power to bring that realization to life.

    Sad man image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    Power Posing

    “Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” ~Plato

    A few weeks ago, I was standing in front of a mirror in the women’s bathroom at work.

    I could feel the cold sweat down my spine and was angry for not being able to gain a better control of myself. I attempted everything in the book—took deep breaths, closed my eyes, tried to calm down, counted slowly to fifty.

    No change.

    My anxiety was still running high, my pulse was rushing, and I looked as a frightened little bird trapped in a cage. The occasion? An executive meeting that I was supposed to lead and pitch an idea to the company’s CEO about ways to achieve efficiency and save some money.

    No biggie, some would say. In fact, many people would thrive at the opportunity to make themselves visible to the highest levels of leadership. I wish I were one of those thrill-loving extroverts.

    As an introvert, though, I shy away from being the centre of attention. Right now, I was also terrified. And as I was standing in the washroom, I felt as if I would have a heart attack. And nobody would know what a great presentation I had prepared!

    Then, I remembered something that I read a while ago. Worth the try…

    In 2012, at the TED Global conference in Edinburgh, Prof. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologists from Harvard University gave a speech that became one of the most watched TED talks of all times. The topic: “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”

    The main idea is that standing in certain poses, even if we only visualize it, can give us an instant boost of self-esteem, although we may not feel truly confident on the inside. In other words—faking it can help us make it.

    Her research has shown that by taking a power pose—or, as she calls it, “making ourselves big”—for two mere minutes before an important meeting can change our brains and make us more assertive and less anxious.

    After only two minutes, our testosterone levels increase by 20% while cortisol levels decrease by 25%. (Ideally, every great leader has high levels of testosterone and low levels of cortisol). The power poses are the ones where we spread ourselves.

    For instance, forming a “V” with our hands or putting our hands on our hips. Poses, such as crossing our arms in front of us or hunching forward, in contrast, make us feel small and insecure.

    Therefore, if we want to portray instant confidence, we should practice power poses daily.

    This notion may not sound as a revolutionary one at a first listen. But, in fact, it is.

    The “power poses” study shows that by standing in certain body positions, we can make ourselves not only appear more confident to others but also feel this way. In other words, we can change who we are, as Prof. Cuddy puts it.

    Our brains’ chemistry would change, literally. And therefore, over time, our personality would as well.

    My train of thought races forward to yet other pieces of research I’ve read about, done few years ago on smiling.

    Many studies have previously shown that smiling is not simply a way to do facial gymnastics, nor something that we should only engage in when we feel happy. Conscious efforts and even “training” ourselves to smile can make us feel happier.

    It’s not always an inside-out relationship (we feel happy, therefore we smile) but rather greater benefits can be experienced the other way around—when we start with that small facial gesture that can, in turn, change our mood, make us appear more likeable and competent to others.

    Simply put, smiling can make us feel happy.

    The proof and the examples are countless.

    Patients injected with Botox who are unable to frown have reported to feel generally happier than those who can express negative emotions. People that smile during medical procedures have also stated to feel less pain.

    Even more surprising, though, is the fact that Charles Darwin was one of the first scientists to propose this idea. All the way back in 1872, Darwin stated that “the free expression by outward signs of an emotion intensifies it. Even the simulation of an emotion tends to arouse it in our minds.”

    Simply put, he suggested that even faking an emotion can light up our brains and make us feel better. Exactly as Prof. Amy Cuddy has also stated and proved so many years later.

    If we convince ourselves that we are happy and smile often, or that we are confident and fearless and start acting this way, over time, we do become happier and more confident. Pretty amazing!

    Back to my reflection in the mirror. So, I spent two minutes in a “V” pose, and another two with hands behind my head and elbows to the side.

    Up until today, I am still unsure if this really helped me to pull through that day, or it was my self-persuasion that I would somehow make it. Regardless, I did feel better—after the “V” pose and grinning for about five minutes without stopping.

    I can only imagine what I looked like to a bystander! But hey, if smiling and taking “big poses” can help us live a longer and happier life, does it really matter if we look quirky in front of a bathroom mirror form time to time?

    Finally, if you ask me today what the secret to being a cheerful, confident, and fulfilled individual is, I would tell you that it may as well be something as simple as becoming a smiling Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man) for few minutes every day.

    Girl in superhero costume via Shutterstock

  • How to Transform Self-Criticism into Self-Appreciation

    How to Transform Self-Criticism into Self-Appreciation

    Sad Woman Reflection

    “Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything that you are.” ~Unknown

    They stop you dead in your tracks.

    Critical thoughts.

    Like tiny knives, they slash at your happiness.

    In public, you feign confidence. You can easily squish down your critical thoughts. You push yourself to smile, laugh, and even be the life of the party.

    But when the dust settles, and you are all alone, the thoughts start, first as a trickle: “I shouldn’t have said that. Why couldn’t I say smarter things?” And then they start to crash harder and stronger with, “I am so stupid. I can’t believe at this age I’m not more confident.”

    Do you sometimes feel like you’re drowning in a sea of similar critical thoughts?

    I know how embarrassing and terrible that feels.

    When I teach yoga, I try to help people—to open their bodies, notice their thoughts, and release their limitations. Yet, at times I drown in self-criticism and feel like a fraud.

    Sure, you see my serene face, but a storm of critical thoughts often brews behind my smile. I feel like an imposter because I’m not as serene as I appear.

    Recently, something completely changed my perspective: scientists discovered that the more people try to avoid certain thoughts, the stronger these thoughts become.

    College students were told to think of everything except white bears, and guess what they couldn’t stop thinking of? It’s called ironic rebound. When you try to push thoughts out, they come back even stronger.

    This idea infuses most mindfulness practices. It’s different from telling yourself, “Think positive.” Because if you stamp down the critical thoughts, they only come back stronger. I tested this theory in my contemplative practices.

    When I relinquished rigid control of my inner experiences, I learned to slow down the critical thoughts.

    Where I once felt frustration for my negativity, I now accept my thoughts, challenge faulty beliefs, and make peace with myself. And the more I feel the critical thoughts, the more I can release them. I’ve noticed that the thoughts come less frequently when I don’t try to suppress them.

    You and I both probably accept that criticism, especially toward ourselves, is destructive. So we try to suppress self-criticism. But when we try to avoid a thought, it’s never far away.

    By suppressing, we empower our faulty beliefs. By looking deeply and challenging the belief behind the thought, we finally get relief. 

    Ready to find out how?

    1. Observe your thoughts with curiosity.

    Imagine yourself sitting on a riverbank, watching your thoughts flow by with the stream. Sometimes fast and rushing, other times calm and gentle.

    Resist the urge to push critical or negative thoughts away; learn to welcome and observe all thoughts. This might feel unnatural or even painful at first. I understand. But remember that this is a process that will lead you toward a place of self-understanding and love.

    When thoughts resurface repeatedly, we subconsciously assume they’re true. Scientists call this a hard-wired cognitive bias in the human brain.

    When l catch myself thinking, “You are too quiet and shy and not animated or interesting,” I resist my urge to deny and suppress; instead, I observe and allow the thought into my body.

    2. Identify the underlying belief.

    Now you can dig a little deeper. What belief lies behind your thoughts?

    If you’ve spent a lifetime trying to push critical thoughts away, you may have unconsciously turned them into self-limiting beliefs.  I’d often think, “I’m too shy. Why couldn’t I have said more? Do people think I’m stupid?”

    I believed that because I was shy, I was inferior and somehow deeply flawed. When I used my breath to be in my body, I felt empowered to be in the present. I allowed myself to feel the pain of feeling inferior.

    You’ve observed the thought, so now can you identify the belief that causes the thought? Beliefs are about how you are as a person as opposed to transient thoughts about your actions.

    If this is scary, use your breath to come back to your body and the present moment. Know that you are okay.

    3. Feel the belief in your body.

    Can you identify where the belief is planted in your body? Accept that you cannot control your mind’s content—but you are learning to change your reactions. And take back your power. When you physically identify sensations the belief triggers, you return to the present moment. And you take the power away from the self-criticism.

    You can heal because you’re no longer a victim of your thoughts or deeply rooted beliefs.

    Because feeling is not the same as believing.

    What happens to your breath when you allow the belief to come into your body? Where do you feel it? Maybe in your heart or your belly button?

    When I allowed a belief into my body, a deep pull manifested around my solar plexus, just under my rib cage. It was definitely painful but less scary. And through feeling and clearly looking at the belief, I became empowered to challenge it.

    4. Challenge and dissolve the belief.

    Now that you’ve observed your thoughts and pinpointed the belief, can you challenge it? Negative beliefs about ourselves are simply not true, and they cause the flow of critical thoughts.

    You and I need to release them so we can find inner peace. As scary as it feels, verbalize the belief. Because you must face the untruths head-on to let them go.

    Ask yourself a few questions to unearth the belief. How else could you interpret this belief? Can you see any evidence that this belief is true? What would support that this belief isn’t true? Remember that other people’s words are not necessarily truths—especially judgments and criticisms.

    Now it’s time to let the belief go. Inhale deeply, and feel your lungs fill with air. Exhale completely, and feel your body relaxing. Imagine the critical belief dissolving like a cloud.

    With each breath, you’re releasing your clouds of criticism. Feel the beliefs slowly leaving your body as your exhale and relax. Remind yourself that this belief isn’t true, and you’re letting it go. Continue to breathe until your belief and the pain goes away.

    I challenged the belief behind the thought: “Because you’re shy and not always talkative (thought), you’re inferior and flawed (belief).”

    I compared myself to other charming and talkative people, and I believed that I had to be just like them. I realized that I had family, friends, and students who loved and appreciated that I was authentic.

    When I used my breath, the knot at my ribs dissolved a little bit with each breath, and so did my belief that I was flawed.  I’m empowered to release that belief. And I’m left with profound clarity: the clouds have disappeared.

    5. Uncover your new truth.

    When you clear away your clouds of self-criticism and faulty beliefs, a sunny truth can shine. You’ll learn to appreciate your unique strengths and attributes.

    What surfaces now that you’ve let go of the mistaken beliefs? Perhaps once you felt deeply inadequate, but now you realize you are humble and eager to learn. Don’t be afraid of letting your positive traits out into the world. You won’t become an egomaniac by simply accepting yourself.

    I now see that my shyness has benefits: I’m an intuitive listener, compassionate yoga teacher, and empathetic nutritionist. As I continue to breathe, I feel better about who I am. And I accept my unique way of being.

    You can do this too.

    Become Your Most Powerful Ally

    Over time, you’ll get more comfortable allowing those scary criticisms to surface. Like vampires that fear the sun, when you bring them out into the light, you take away their power. And they’ll slowly dissolve.

    You’ll feel happier because you aren’t hiding your most valuable traits behind critical thoughts.

    And rather than being a prisoner of your negative beliefs, you’re using them to fuel your transformation.

    Let your inner light glow. Brighten the world.

    Because only light can drive away darkness.

    And you’re ready to start now.

    Shall we?

    Sad woman with reflection image via Shutterstock

  • How to Turn Your Fear into Excitement So You Can Pursue Your Dreams

    How to Turn Your Fear into Excitement So You Can Pursue Your Dreams

    Follow Your Dreams

    “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.” ~John Lennon

    When it comes to facing fear and moving past it in order to see my dreams realized, I was always advised to power through it. Do the thing that scares you, no matter how much it makes your heart pound. Take that step that makes your stomach knot up in tight balls. Do it and power through, or else miss out on life.

    For a long time, I felt these were my only two options. I could either have moments of crippling fear as I chased what I wanted, or I could feel like life was passing me by as I let my passions die.

    One of my passions is writing screenplays, and so I continually did what I thought I should do in order to become a successful screenwriter. I called people who gave me anxiety. I put my work out to places I felt I wasn’t ready for. With each step I took, I hoped and prayed I would get more comfortable.

    I couldn’t live with the constant fear I was feeling, and yet no amount of powering through was making it go away. It was, in fact, growing, because it felt like I had no control over it. The fear was getting larger than my dreams, and I became exhausted and eventually burned out.

    I had no choice then but to take time to pause and reflect. When I did, I could see the counter-productive patterns I was engaging in.

    I was forcing myself to do things that brought me angst rather than joy. The advice to power through had turned me into a bully toward myself.

    Because I wasn’t doing the kind of behavior I normally associate with being self-destructive, such as constantly criticizing myself, I didn’t see my actions as being hurtful. In fact, I saw them as honoring my journey because I was chasing my biggest goals.

    However, when the dust settled and I stepped back, it was very clear that by powering forward, I had left behind a crucial thing: self-love. I wasn’t listening to myself.

    Because our inner world is always mirrored back to us, I always had the frustrating feeling that people weren’t listening to me.

    Instead of hearing my great ideas, they would hear the shake in my voice. They would hear me rambling on because I was too nervous to be clear and concise, and they would tune out, ending the call as I would slump down in my chair, knowing I’d blown it.

    Compounding this is the fact that I also wasn’t treating myself as an important person. I wasn’t honoring that the fear and anxiety was taking a toll.

    This too was mirrored back in the fact that people forgot me as soon as we connected. I never got any follow-up calls after my initial pitches, which only fed into my fears more. The momentum I had going was certainly powering me onward, but in the opposite direction of what I wanted.

    Once I could see the patterns, the solution was obvious. The old adage “what you resist persists” repeated in my mind.

    I had to first of all accept that I was living from a place of fear. I allowed myself to acknowledge that I didn’t like being afraid all the time. This swept through me in a wave of relief, and I felt free to choose what I wanted rather than what I felt I was supposed to do.

    I began cultivating and prioritizing self-love. The more I slowed down, took time to ask myself if I was okay, and returned to my meditation practice, the easier things got. What began to reflect back to me were my new feelings—that I’m important and what I do is important.

    As I went through this process, I was able to stop fearing fear itself. This too helped me to reverse my momentum even further, because I was open to receiving new information. I learned how fear begins in my brain and body. Once I understood how it worked, it wasn’t this huge, abstract, and uncontrollable thing.

    Fear begins in a place in the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala processes a situation and decides if it’s safe or if you need to get scared and run away. If it decides something’s not safe hormones are released in order to get your body moving and prepare you for fight or flight.

    Attached to the amygdala is the hippocampus, which is where your memories are stored. These two things work together. The amygdala looks at old memories as a way of assessing a current situation. This process is meant to be helpful, but when we’re not aware of it, it can run amok and become hurtful.

    As an example from my own life, one bad phone call with a potential agent had been stored in my memories. From that point onward, when I went to call someone with a pitch, my amygdala would access that memory and immediately label all related phone calls as bad, which steamrolled as I would get more anxious, have more bad phone calls, and dread any interaction.

    This was my brain trying to protect me by ensuring I wouldn’t engage in something that might cause me harm or emotional pain.

    Understanding this about my body and how I process things gave me a huge amount of power back.

    It was reassuring first of all to know I wasn’t trying to subconsciously sabotage myself, but to instead keep myself safe. It was also reassuring to know where this started, because once I was aware of the root of it, I could begin untangling myself from it.

    The more I began to see fear as something I could manage, the more I felt I could work with the fear rather than trying to power through it. It was then that I began to feel that thing I’d yearned for but felt was impossible to reach—excitement. I remembered why I’d started writing in the first place.

    I felt excitement to share my stories and see them made into films. I felt excitement about contacting people who were passionate about film also. I remembered how good it was to feel excited about talking to people rather than fearful.

    From this new, more self-love-based place, I started contacting people again. I listened to my inner voice, and if something made me feel fear, I would stop. I would tune in, breathe, and ask myself if I was attaching old, unrelated memories, or if it really was my intuition trying to tell me something was amiss.

    I’m happy to say people are requesting my scripts again, and I’m now enjoying pursuing my passions more than ever. I wake up excited rather than with dread. I take steps and go for things, as I did before, but without feeling like I’m stretching a rubber band that’s about to snap.

    If you’re also paralyzing yourself with fear, see what happens when you put self-love first. When you believe that you’re worth listening to, and show up confident, without an energy of desperation, people will be far more interested in what you have to say.

    And when you feel your fear creeping back in, instead of ignoring it and pushing through it, step back, breathe, and remember that your own mind and body have created it to help you.

    When you realize it’s not some big, monstrous force that shows up without your consent—that you’ve created it to keep yourself safe—you can learn to let it go.

    Follow your dreams image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Steps to Access Your Goodness and Change Your Life

    10 Steps to Access Your Goodness and Change Your Life

    Man with Arms Up

    “Goodness is the only investment that never fails.” ~Henry David Thoreau 

    A few years ago I found myself on the floor of my apartment with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, feeling miserable.

    In fact, I had felt that way for a while. My four-year relationship had collapsed, work was losing its meaning, and I felt deeply misunderstood, unloved, and lonely. Money was tight; I was overweight, lethargic, and confused; and my future seemed blurry.

    But then, something changed.

    I decided to shift my perspective and see what my life would be like if I stopped beating myself up over “not being good enough” and accepted who I was.

    I made a decision that I am good and committed to testing this theory out. And it worked!

    Since years of self-rejection didn’t do much for me, I had nothing to lose. My decision to accept my own goodness transformed the way I saw and lived life. People were no longer threatening and challenges became opportunities.

    For example, when I didn’t get into the grad school of my choice, instead of thinking of myself as unworthy, I decided to view it as a sign that I was meant to do something slightly different. (Years later this proved to be true, and I am so glad that things did not pan out as expected.)

    I also moved away from victimization to acceptance. I focused on taking care of myself. Instead of beating myself up over missed deadlines or unachieved goals, I intentionally paid attention to all that I did achieve every day.

    I meditated and gave myself enough sleep, quality food, and exercise. I stopped watching a lot of TV and read more. I also expressed gratitude and shared company with people who enriched my life and reinforced my goodness.

    Since then, my life has transformed and happiness has prevailed. As a result, I have become a better partner, friend, and leader, and a more thoughtful human being.

    I also began wondering what the world would look like if we all had an opportunity to accept, embrace, and live out our own goodness. Can we all get there? The answer is a resounding yes! And here are some steps to do it.

    1. Choose goodness.

    Make a decision that you are fundamentally good, and commit to it. This sounds hard, especially if you spent most of your life feeing the opposite. Start by saying several times out loud “I am good.”

    The voice inside your head may disagree, but remember: the voice you hear is not you; the being that hears the voice is you. So, quiet the voice by asking, “Why not?” Then, play a movie of your life and see if you can find a single example of your goodness.

    Even if your emotions don’t agree, use your intellect and then practice this exercise daily. Your emotions will catch up. Just like with building muscles, it takes time, but this exercise does work.

    2. Understand goodness.

    Being fundamentally good does not mean we won’t make mistakes. I make plenty, all the time. Being good means that we deserve good things in life, and we deserve love. With self-love, anything is possible.

    If you have a hard time with this, think of your younger, innocent self. Does that being deserve love? Or, think about yourself through the lens of someone who loves you. Why would they love you so if you weren’t worthy?

    3. Practice, practice, practice.

    Deciding that you are good is hard, but acting on that awareness is even harder. Commit to practice your goodness every single day. Catch yourself when you think negatively about yourself. Make a plan to get yourself out of unhealthy relationships or break bad habits. Treat yourself well, and demand that others do the same.

    4. Develop rituals.

    Take the time to journal, meditate, read inspirational books, pray, paint, volunteer, recite poetry, or regularly engage in any activity that will remind you and reinforce your goodness.

     5. Set up reminders.

    Soon after I made my decision, I changed my license plates to read “I AM GOOD.” I knew I would see it at least twice a day and be reminded of my newfound truth. Even on those extraordinarily busy days when you miss your rituals, these small reminders will keep you on track.

     6. Talk to people.

    Tell people about the concept of fundamental goodness. They will reaffirm its truth, or you will change their life too. In either case, the right people will support you in your quest for goodness.

     7. Live boldly.

    Give generously, love unconditionally, laugh loudly, and communicate openly. Whatever you do, give it your all. Living in such a way will reinforce your goodness.

    The paradox is that you cannot really live fully unless you believe in your own goodness. If you don’t believe in your fundamental goodness, you will constantly question your decisions, your worthiness, the quality of your contribution, and other people too.

    You are also likely to live with a lot of anxiety, which will consume you from time to time.

    By actually doing more of giving, loving, laughing, communicating, and so on, you will be reinforcing your own goodness and growing your belief in it.

    8. Dream big and dare greatly.

    When we focus on our struggles, we lose sight of the truly important things in life. On the other hand, when we dream big and dare greatly, we have no choice but to trust our goodness as we find ways to achieve our dreams and take risks.

    Now, keep in mind that taking risks and daring greatly does not mean we pursue things that might gain us approval of others; it means we seek out those things that matter the most to us.

    A lot of traditionally successful people are miserable and full of self-loathing. On the other hand, a lot of obscure people are fully content and accomplished. Dreaming big means we dream our own dreams, not those imposed by the society, our family, or someone else.

    9. Stop questioning and get busy.

    I love asking a “why” question. But don’t ask a “why” that is harmful; ask a “why” that is helpful. Don’t ask, “Why would I be good?” Ask, “Why wouldn’t I be?” And if you can’t stop questioning, make a decision and move on. Stop revisiting it.

    We’ve been conditioned to doubt ourselves. Doubt something else, but not your goodness.

     10. Be mindful.

    People often ask “How are you?” without waiting for a reply. Regardless, I love responding: “I am good!” It’s not so much for their benefit as it is for my own. The more I repeat it, the more I believe in it.

    Additionally, how I respond to this question is a good indicator of how I feel that day. My response gives me a chance to catch myself. If I say, “I’m okay” or “Not too bad,” that’s a sign something isn’t quite right and I need to evaluate what’s really happening.

    That said, being fundamentally good and accepting this goodness does not mean that we sometimes won’t feel bad, get annoyed or angry, or even lash out. Just today, I got into an argument with a good friend. We each said some hurtful things and I feel bad about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are both good.

    —

    Once upon a time, a Native American elder was telling his grandson a story of two wolves that live in each one of us and wage a daily struggle for dominance in our lives.

    One wolf is filled with love, joy, hope, peace, gratitude, optimism, generosity, understanding, humility, kindness, truth, faith, and compassion. The other is a reflection of bitterness, envy, anger, sorrow, guilt, greed, arrogance, self-pity, inferiority, lies, ego, selfishness, and judgment.

    Their struggle is constant, their determination to win unwavering.

    “So, which wolf wins?” asked the grandson.

    The grandfather responded, “The one you feed.”

    We all have a choice to accept our own goodness and nurture it every day. We can all embrace the best within us and choose happiness over sadness. Which wolf will you feed today?

    Joyous man image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you ever worry about what people think about you?

    Have you ever felt rejected and gotten defensive if someone criticized something you did?

    Are there times where you hold back on doing something you know would benefit yourself and even others because you’re scared about how some people may react?

    If so, consider yourself normal. The desire for connection and to fit in is one of the six basic human needs, according to the research of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes. Psychologically, to be rejected by “the tribe” represents a threat to your survival.

    This begs the question: If wanting people’s approval is natural and healthy, is it always a good thing?

    Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you didn’t care about other people’s opinions. Would you be self-centered and egotistical, or would you be set free to live a life fulfilling your true purpose without being held back by a fear of rejection?

    For my entire life I’ve wrestled with caring about other people’s opinions.

    I thought this made me selfless and considerate. While caring about the opinion of others helped me put myself into other people’s shoes, I discovered that my desire, or more specifically my attachment to wanting approval, had the potential to be one of my most selfish and destructive qualities.

    Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable

    If wanting the approval of others is a natural desire, how can it be a problem? The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off. If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then you’re going to be miserable until you get your next “fix.”

    What this means is that simply wanting approval isn’t the problem. The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled. To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.

    Because their happiness depends on others, approval addicts can be the most easily manipulated. I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships. All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like they’re being selfish, and they’ll stay under the abuser’s spell.

    Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment. Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didn’t want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.

    The problem is this would lead to pent up resentment over time, because there’s a constant feeling that people should just “know better.” When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.

    Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?

    Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know I’ve gone too far. It gives me a chance to make things right. If I don’t let others know how they’ve hurt me because of fear of rejection, aren’t I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?

    This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish. The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified as selflessness.

    As a writer, I’m exposed to critics. If I don’t overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those who’d benefit from my work.

    Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the world of your gifts. How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because I’m thinking too much about what some people may think of me?

    As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish. On an airplane, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child. This is because if the adult passes out trying to help the child, both are in trouble.

    In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.

    For instance, if a person spends so much time helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.

    Selfless acts, done at the expense of one’s greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.

    How to Overcome Approval Addiction

    The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself. Wanting to feel connected with others is normal. It’s only an issue when it’s imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.

    What approval addicts are often missing is self-approval. We all have an inner critic that says things like, “You’re not good enough. You’re nothing compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, you’re being selfish.”

    You can’t get rid of this voice. What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.

    You also have a part of yourself that says, “You’re worthy. You’re good enough. You’re just as valuable as anyone else.” The question becomes: “Which voice do I choose to align to?”

    This often means asking yourself questions like, “Can I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?” The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.

    To break approval addiction, remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

    In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control. While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seeking’s Yin. Both are necessary for balance.

    Questions that typically help me are: “Do I want other people’s opinions to have power over me? Would I rather let this person control me or maintain control over my own life?”

    Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming approval addiction. It’s by using the greatest motivator— unconditional love.

    Worrying about what other people think masquerades as love. In reality, when you really love someone, you’re willing to have their disapproval.

    Imagine a parent with a child. If the parent is too concerned about the child’s opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them. Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they don’t want to be the “bad guy?” Is this truly loving?

    To break approval addiction, I realized I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?

    If you really care for someone, telling them, “You’re screwing up your life” and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.

    This comes with the very real possibility they will reject you for pointing out the truth. However, if you love someone, wouldn’t you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?

    On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if you’re willing to be honest with them and prioritize your love for them over your desire for their approval.

    If you have to share a harsh truth, a mentor, Andy Benjamin, taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, “Can I be a true friend?” to let them know what you’re about to say is coming from a place of love.

    —

    I’ve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.

    Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other people’s perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?

    Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others don’t give you approval?

    Finally, are you willing show the ultimate demonstration of genuine love—sacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?

  • A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    Confident Pose

    “Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu

    Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? That while you have moments of reprieve, they are transient and short lived?

    It may be that the problem lies with your confidence—in your belief in your ability to bring about successful outcomes when you experience challenges.

    For many of us, our attitudes toward ourselves continually undermine our confidence.

    That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.

    If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.

    It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.

    So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.

    Until I burned out.

    I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.

    I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?

    Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.

    So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.

    We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.

    Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.

    Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.

    What a relief that would be!

    Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.

    And you would keep going.

    Life would be full of possibility and hope.

    So how can you do that?

    Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. So it requires patience, attention, and effort.

    Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.

    People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.

    Self-compassion involves three components:

    • Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
    • Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience
    • Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.

    How to Become Kinder to Yourself

    1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.

    Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.

    2. Gently start practicing a different response.

    This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgmental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.

    3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.

    Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgmental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.

    4. Practice, practice, practice!

    Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.

    This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.

    Confident pose image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter

    7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter

    Woman in a Ski Jacket

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of Shiraz

    Have you ever felt like you didn’t matter?

    Were you ever held back from pursuing something because the voice in your head said, “Why bother?”

    You’re not alone.

    I once felt that way too, but I discovered a way out of that dark time.

    In my early twenties, fresh out of college, I had my first professional job interview. I had the blissful optimism and naiveté characteristic of most college grads seeing a world full of infinite possibilities.

    And although optimistic, I was understandably apprehensive because it was relatively difficult for a first-time interview.

    It consisted of the following:

    • An interview lasting one to two hours conducted by a panel of eight to ten people.
    • Answering questions in Spanish since being bilingual was a requirement.

    I prepared for a week and hoped for the best.

    In the beginning, the situation was quite unnerving with everyone watching and analyzing me, but then it got relatively easier. Yet, just when I started to feel somewhat comfortable, someone asked me a question in Spanish (my big weakness).

    I wasn’t confident speaking conversational Spanish, so when I answered the question, I completely choked, and my Spanish sounded like I was a toddler learning how to talk. All of a sudden one of the other interviewers belted out raucous laughter, and the humiliation poured over me like a waterfall.

    After ten seconds of awkward silence, the rest of the interview didn’t matter because I felt more insignificant than a speck of dust.

    And, not only did I not get the job, but the resulting humiliation also destroyed my self-worth and bruised my youthful, inexperienced ego.

    I didn’t bother interviewing for another job for almost a year.

    Not until I had some clarity one day looking into my daughter’s eyes did I realize how I had allowed someone to control my life like an invisible bully.

    I wanted to take back control, move on, and not live life feeling so small.

    I had to be strong for my daughter and regain my self-worth.

    I realized seven things we should remember when we think we don’t matter:

    1. We all have the same emotional pain points: insecurity, self-doubt, and fear of not belonging.

    As different as we all are outwardly, we feel the same emotional pain. Some of us hide it or mask it with anger, mean-spiritedness, and insensitivity, while a minority can clearly communicate that pain in a healthy way. In the end, we all want the comfort of belonging to a group and the feeling of sincere acceptance.

    Stop feeding your pain by comparing yourself with others.

    Whether it’s a lack of success in relationships, financial issues, or being insecure about your body, focus on the emotional indirect connection with others instead, and feel less alone by knowing you share this pain with everyone

    2. You were blessed with a “super power.”

    You may not know it, but you can do something so easily that you take it for granted. If you are unsure what that super power is, take the time to deeply reflect on the possibilities: intuitive, artistic, empathic, talented dancer or musician, skilled cook, caring, organized, etc.

    This is your super power or skill you are blessed with. No matter what you think, this blessing is significant, so recognize you have a gift, use it, and share it with the world.

    3. Confidence can be learned.

    You may think that people are born confident, but this isn’t true; confidence can be learned. It also can be rebuilt. For me, the difficult first step of doing another job interview began the process of rebuilding my confidence, and steadily my confidence grew with each interview I tackled afterward.

    Know it’s possible and don’t get shut down by the myth that you either have confidence or you don’t. Learning to be confident will test your comfort levels, but building confidence is a process that even the most timid can achieve.

    4. Look at low points in your life without self-judgment.

    Just like we take care of a physical injury, emotional pain also must be taken care of in deeply caring ways.

    The most important thing to do when you are at a low point in your life is don’t judge or self-blame. Punishing yourself by going through that mental loop of I deserve this, or I’m worthless is like walking on a broken leg; you won’t heal.

    Be gentle to yourself, give yourself time, and rebuild your strength—you’ll get through.

    5. Of all the voices in the world, the loudest and most insidious is your inner voice.

    The inner critic wants you to believe the lie that you must be perfect. Trying to be perfect all the time strips the joy out of life.

    If you don’t accomplish goals, don’t know what you want yet, and make numerous mistakes, that’s okay because life is about discovery.

    The only obligation you have is to be true to yourself. Don’t empower that inner critic by listening. Instead, drown out that voice by talking to yourself in more encouraging ways; you’ll live your life with more joy this way

    6. You don’t need to know what others think. In other words, nobody will please and be liked by everyone.

    Stop obsessing about what others think. You can’t control their thoughts because it isn’t within your control. So let go of that forever.

    Free yourself and know that you can’t possibly please everyone. The greatest creators, dreamers, and innovators faced the worse kind of adversity and were hated by many people. Just be the real you and nothing more.

    Don’t allow others to validate your worth; all you need to know is you are doing the best that you can do, and that’s enough.

    Throughout your life, gather the ideas, thoughts, and opinions of others, but always look within and live your truth. We all want acceptance, but if you never live your truth, you will always be imprisoned by other people’s opinions.

    7. Rejection is not failure; it means something better that you deserve is coming.

    That rejection by a love interest or that HR Manager for the job opportunity you really wanted is not a failure. You are simply in the process of getting what you deserve and what is right for you.

    The doors that slam in your face may be many, but soon you’ll realize they were secret blessings that you will look back on fondly. When people say, “No,” keep trying and eventually you’ll find that one proverbial door that will finally be the one meant just for you.

    Rejection is better than doing nothing because you’re at least trying and building momentum, regardless of how crappy you may feel.

    If you want something, momentum begins when you take the first step, even if it is the tiniest step.

    Make Your Inner Light Burn Brighter

    Regardless of all the curveballs that life throws at you, know that you completely matter.

    You may feel your self-worth has been lost, but don’t lose hope.

    Focus on what connects you with others (both flaws and strengths), embrace your superpower and not your weaknesses, strengthen your confidence one step at a time, and be empowered to accomplish your dreams.

    Know that everyone endures the ebb and flow of life in different ways.

    Before you know it, the bounce will return to your step, and your confidence will radiate the room.

    It’s only a matter of time.

    Let me know which of these points you’ll embrace today.

    Woman in a ski jacket image via Shutterstock