Tag: concern

  • A Simple Technique to Quiet Your Mind and Be Present

    A Simple Technique to Quiet Your Mind and Be Present

    “Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.” ~Osho

    Meditating. It’s one of those things that we all know we’d be better off doing, but most of us struggle with it immensely.

    It’s difficult. It’s hard to find the time. And it often doesn’t seem like it’s working.

    For many years, I’ve tried to make meditation a regular habit. But rarely can I do it consistently. It’s almost always the first thing to go when I’m crunched for time or feeling stressed.

    Of course, those are the times that meditation is best!

    But, for someone like me who has difficulty paying attention in general, the standard “beginner’s meditation” is often insufficient. It’s quite challenging to do nothing but focus on your breath for five minutes, let alone twenty or more.

    This has only gotten more challenging since moving from a university setting to a full-time job. Now my mind is often so crammed with technical details of troubleshooting health information systems that the idea of shutting off my mind for even a few minutes feels nearly impossible.

    I know I’m not alone here. Many people struggle with this, and it is a nontrivial problem. I’m not an insomniac, but on numerous occasions I’ve been completely unable to go to sleep because I simply cannot shut my mind off long enough to pass out.

    Sometimes I’m concerned with what someone said to me at work that day. Sometimes it’s missing my family and friends. Sometimes I beat myself up for not going to the gym that day. And sometimes it’s just a whole mess of thoughts that I can’t quite pin down.

    As such, I’ve been in the market for a meditative technique that can be done any time, anywhere, for as long or short as I’d like, and without requiring the ability for sustained attention. I believe I’ve just found this technique.

    Before going into it, I would like to acknowledge the fact that having the ability to sustain your attention for extended periods is invaluable, and absolutely worth working toward. The technique I will be discussing should be used to help build this capability, not to replace it entirely.

    The Technique Sensory Awareness

    Rather than directing your attention inward, say, toward your breath, what about directing it outward toward the world around you?

    This is an approach that I first came across right here on Tiny Buddha, when Lori described “the noticing game.”

    The idea is that you can expand your awareness by paying attention to the things around you, and trying to notice as much of your environment as possible. A great, common example of this would be “people watching.”

    The noticing game has helped me tremendously as a meditative technique, but it does have its limitations.

    For instance, I’ve found that it tends to cause a feeling of separateness—that I am in some sense isolated from whatever it is that I am observing. In addition, I have a tendency to search around more frenetically than I should, trying to notice the “coolest” thing in my environment.

    Surely, this is not the intention behind the exercise, but I do feel as though it is a consequence of the simplification that comes from looking at it as a game. While the noticing game has benefited me greatly, I’ve recently been taking it to the next level with a slight modification of that approach.

    A couple weeks ago, I came across a great method of expanding my awareness in a fascinating book about Kabbalah, or Jewish mysticism. You can think of it as a more generalized or holistic version of the noticing game.

    The goal is to maximize the use of your sensory perception.

    When we are not conscious of it, we filter out a huge quantity of sensory data that is not useful for whatever task we are trying to accomplish. This is a great evolutionary strategy, and it also gives us the opportunity to expand our awareness whenever we feel like it. Double win!

    First, let your vision expand peripherally. No need to turn your head, look around, or change your body position at all. You can see (at least in my experience) about 50% more of your environment simply by being conscious of it. Try it out now!

    Expanding your visual awareness like this makes you feel more alert and “in the moment.” In other words, it does much of what traditional meditation does, but without needing to focus on anything in particular.

    But why stop at just visual perception? You can pay more attention to the sounds in your environment as well.

    You need not focus on a particular sound; simply let the noises in your environment get consciously registered in your mind. Huge amounts of ambient noise gets filtered out, but you can easily remove that filter for short periods of time, thereby noticing much more of your environment.

    Next, notice your body. Right now, I’m quite aware of an uncomfortable twinge in the center of my back. But until I started paying attention a moment ago, I couldn’t actually “feel” my butt in my seat, or the bottoms of my feet on the ground.

    These feelings simply got filtered out, because they are bland and uninteresting from an evolutionary standpoint. But they’re actually quite interesting as I pay attention to them.

    There’s really nothing new or revolutionary about this technique. In fact, one of its major advantages is the simplicity of the whole thing; there’s no need for any complicated maneuvers.

    We all have much more awareness potential than we actually use in our daily lives. Instead of actively trying to notice specific things in your environment, you can let the environment come to you and soak it all up together.

    Most of us, most of the time, are experiencing life on autopilot. But without a huge amount of effort, we can begin to spend more and more time in a state of calm awareness, where the trials and tribulations of the day become unimportant.

    Our anxieties and concerns take on a fraction of the significance we normally attribute to them. And who wouldn’t want that?

  • How to Share Your Feelings and Be Heard

    How to Share Your Feelings and Be Heard

    Conversation

    The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Not so long ago, a dear friend of mine approached me wishing to be heard for some overwhelming grief and anger she was carrying.

    I gave her my full ear and attention, but as I listened to her, I noticed a worry begin to stir inside me—a worry surfacing around a great deal of violent intent I heard in her words. Could she really want to hurt someone I believed she loved?

    After another twenty minutes of listening, I decided to authentically voice my worry to her until I felt fully heard around it, and together that evening we came to a place of deeper understanding and care.

    You may be thinking, “Wow! Your friend sure took it well despite being so angry. You must have been pretty careful in how you worded it, though.”

    But what if I told you that I managed to voice my truth without stimulating further anger or a sense of disconnect in her precisely because I did not try to be careful about what I said?

    Most of us, in first learning greater compassion and becoming aware of our needs and inherent worth, are not unlikely to come off sometimes as careless in how we express ourselves to others. We’re finally finding our voice, after all, and in standing up for our precious needs, such “carelessness” is no too high a price to pay for it.

    Our desire for authenticity at this stage outweighs our tact, you might say.

    As we become more adept to compassion over time, however, our awareness extends and reinforces the importance of other people’s needs, as well as our own. And thus, another phenomenon occurs: We transition from being careless to being careful compassionate speakers.

    But therein lies a tragedy.

    For while we may have genuine intentions to recognize others’ needs and feelings—knowing that our feelings and needs are not the only ones in the room—exercising careful consideration of our words in that respect can easily pose a whole new barrier to our ability to authentically communicate with others.

    We can end up, as they say, throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

    How does this happen? How do we regain the fuller authenticity we finally became able to express without seeming careless to otherswith our words?

    Well, first, it happens for the simple reason that withholding the honesty of our experience from others in a careful way too often tends to stem from a fear of the consequences (that might either befall us or bring further pain to someone else) in voicing ourselves.

    So what other resort do we have?

    What I’m recommending here is neither the obnoxiousness of careless honesty, nor the caution of careful consideration at the expense of sharing our whole truth, but the mindful awareness of everyone’s needs and the potential effect of our words—a mindfulness that incorporates the best parts of the former two.

    Returning to the case of my friend, I took my time to be sure that there was a deep sense of connection between the two of us, and a ground of empathy around her pain for me to stand on, before I expressed my concern around her intentions—holding nothing back.

    But before even expressing that concern, I conveyed to her what makes the crucial practical difference in what I’m talking about: the depth of my care for her, and the worry I felt in how she could potentially receive my words in a way other than as caring.

    You see, through mindful awareness, all needs—both yours and mine—can be given full consideration while one of us expresses their two-fold truth.

    It’s two-fold because we’re not only sharing the truth of our pain or problem, but also the care that we feel for the other person around how hearing our concern could land in them. When I told the friend my concern, I honestly expressed the worry rather than making the decision to speak honestly or not based on the worry.

    Let me give you four basic steps for compassionately sharing that, for me, allow for the fullness of our painful truth while also speaking to the fullness of our care:

    1. Be sure you’ve self-empathized before sharing.

    Sharing either our pain or our care without being in a place of empathic understanding could indeed result in “careless” self-expression. Sometimes such clarity doesn’t come easily, but if you can practice waiting for it before committing to expressing yourself, you’re way ahead of the gang.

    2. Be sure as well that you’ve empathized and connected with the other person.

    This is as much for our sake as theirs. If I listen to someone but then choose to share my truth while still holding a grudge or judgment against them, then it may be the case that I don’t actually care that much how it lands in them at this time. It could save you loads of unintended ordeals to realize this now than later.

    That said, I also highly recommend not empathizing with someone for the purpose of getting heard for your truth. “Empathy with an agenda” isn’t really empathy, nor does it effectively open us up to a space of acceptance and true listening around what’s happening for either of us.

    3. Share the truth of your care.

    By letting someone know you have something important to share and that you really care how it will be received, you give yourself an amazing opportunity for vulnerability to open between you. It will also quickly tell you whether the other person is even in a place to hear you or not.

    Knowing that allows you the choice and power to decide to maybe empathize with them more before sharing, or to process together what could be making it difficult for them to really hear you.

    4. Share the truth of your pain or problem, fully and authentically.

    Having conveyed your care to someone, you now have the opportunity to deepen into even greater vulnerability—and deeper sharing of your experience—thanks to the more open understanding facilitated by the depth of the care you expressed.

    To be sure, none of this guarantees that your truth won’t be difficult to hear.

    However, you do stand a far greater chance of being heard and held. I myself discovered that sharing in this way offers an amazing gift to those I love, as my willingness to be vulnerable also expresses to them the extent of my trust in them to receive it, whether either of us handle the dialogue gracefully or not.

    Compassion-based speaking and listening, done skillfully over time, has cultivated greater intimacy and deeper care with those dearest to me. At the end of the day, the degree of love and intimacy between you can only stand to be increased with the ability to authentically share your experiences with mindful awareness and care.

    So rather than be careful, why not be “care-full”? Let mindfully aware communication be your guide, and watch the natural love and connection grow!

    Photo by Garry Knight