Tiny Buddha

Tag: compare

  • Why I Stopped Measuring My Pain Against Others’ Suffering

    Why I Stopped Measuring My Pain Against Others’ Suffering

    “A history of trauma can give you a high tolerance for emotional pain. But just because you can take it doesn’t mean you have to.” ~Dr. Thema

    I just returned from a walk with a dear friend—one of my favorite ways to catch up and socialize. This particular friend has endured significant challenges, especially over the past year. She faced the immense loss of her pets and many of her possessions in a devastating house fire.

    The ensuing tsunami of grief and pain pushed her through a tumultuous year filled with deep suffering and intense healing efforts. All the while, she juggled supporting her son without a partner, working full time, and navigating the complexities of temporary housing and an insurance claim.

    Witnessing her journey was heart-wrenching, but it also highlighted the remarkable strength and resilience of the human spirit. Today, she shared a profound insight: After confronting her greatest fears and being forced to sit with them, she emerged feeling lighter and less burdened by future uncertainties.

    I could see how true this was by her soft but resolved demeanor, the ease in her movements, and her willingness to risk joy again by adopting a new dog and reconnecting with friends.

    The Trap of Trauma Comparison

    Yet, one recurring theme in our conversation stood out to me: She often mentioned that others have survived much worse. This idea, while empathetic, raises an important issue. It seems to suggest that comparing our trauma to that of others can be a way to diminish our own pain and find gratitude for it not being worse.

    An effective way to gain perspective? Yes. But a mindset like this can also undermine our right to fully heal and acknowledge the internal impact of our own struggles.

    I understand this tendency well. Years ago, I broke down in a dental office after learning that I required surgery. The dentist, trying to offer perspective, compared my situation to those facing life-threatening illnesses. While I appreciated the attempt to provide context, it did little to address my immediate emotional experience.

    Looking back, I was certainly holding something energetically that needed attention, but I didn’t have the awareness to look at it. Plus, the dentist’s comment brought forward some shame for reacting in that way, so it was in my interest to move past it as quickly as possible.

    The Origin of Leveraging Comparison to Manage Pain

    At the time, the inclination to feel guilty for my reactions wasn’t a novel thing for me. I lived with a deep sense that entertaining negative feelings was excessive and undeserved because I was healthy, I was an only child, and I was privileged in many ways.

    I grew up at a time when parents often used comparison in their well-intentioned parenting strategy to raise unentitled children. I’ll give you something to cry about… There are starving children in Africa… Don’t be so sensitive… Do you know how good you have it? In my day…

    Even in my own parenting, I’ve been guilty of shaming my children for their feelings—a regret I can only reckon with by trying to do better now.

    The unfortunate truth is that all humans experience pain, and the depths of what is born of that pain can never be fully apparent from an outsider looking in. The real danger of comparison is that it often leads to the notion that trauma is solely about the external events we face rather than the internal impact they have on us.

    The Nature of Trauma: Big T vs. Small T

    Ryan Hassan, a trauma expert, provides a helpful metaphor to differentiate between what is often termed “Big T” trauma—such as war, abuse, or profound loss—and “Small T” trauma, which includes smaller prolonged experiences over time, like bullying or emotional neglect.

    Imagine someone damaging their knee in a car accident versus someone injuring it over years of repetitive strain. The knee injury might be different in its origin, but the damage and healing process are fundamentally similar. The same applies to trauma. Whether it stems from a single catastrophic event or ongoing micro-events, the internal impact can be equally profound and deserving of attention.

    In addition, our ability to metabolize trauma when it happens depends a lot on the support systems and safe relationships we can turn to at the time we experience something terrible. While this is partly circumstantial, the fact that two people who experience an identical trauma can move through it completely differently—one person becoming an addict and the other a motivational speaker, for example—highlights how the external nature of the trauma is not a measure of its impact but rather the capacity an individual has for coping with it at the time.

    My friend’s trauma would certainly be classified at Big T, but even knowing that, her tendency is to compare her experience with even Bigger Ts than her own in an attempt to diminish all she has done to come through the experience.

    The Unique Journey of Each Individual

    It has taken me most of my life to fully grasp that each person’s journey through trauma is uniquely their own. Our paths are shaped by the survival adaptations we’ve developed to protect ourselves in response to various life experiences that have triggered fight, flight, fawn, or freeze responses. Those responses lead to energetic imprints, which are held in our body and must be included in our healing work.

    Each painful experience, whether acute or chronic, holds the potential for profound healing, learning, and personal growth.

    The Missteps of the Medical Model

    Years ago, I was deeply troubled to hear about another friend who was told by her doctor that she should be “over” her father’s passing by now after she randomly started to cry at her checkup when she mentioned losing him the year before. This kind of dismissal, especially from a medical professional, underscores a critical flaw in our conventional approach to trauma.

    While radical acceptance of our circumstances is essential, the energetic aspect of trauma—often dismissed as “woo woo” in medical circles—plays a crucial role. This unaddressed energetic component can manifest in various physical and mental symptoms and require a different kind of intervention.

    Dr. John Sarno’s concept of the “symptom imperative” describes how symptoms rooted in repressed emotional energy shift and appear in new forms until they are resolved at a deeper level. For instance, resolving one symptom like plantar fasciitis might lead to another issue, such as migraines, if underlying trauma remains unaddressed.

    Exploring Comprehensive Healing Approaches

    We are fortunate to live in an era with diverse options for trauma processing. Methods such as craniosacral therapy, somatic movement, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), and traditional Eastern practices like acupuncture and chakra balancing offer various ways to address trauma. Creative arts therapy and journaling are also valuable tools. Recognizing the need for these approaches is key, as symptoms often persist until we confront their deeper origins.

    Giving Ourselves Permission to Heal

    My friend’s journey exemplifies the remarkable resilience of the human spirit in the face of profound trauma. But when she mentioned a skin condition that recently came out of nowhere and doctors couldn’t seem to diagnose, it signaled to me that perhaps there may be an aspect of her healing that isn’t getting the attention it’s calling for.

    While society’s understanding of trauma is evolving, we still need reminding that healing is not about comparing our pain but about honoring our personal journey, understanding that our experiences are valid, and listening to the wisdom of our body in the symptomatic language it uses to communicate.

    As we continue to expand our awareness and options for healing, may we all make the time and space to fully process our pain, cultivate our resilience, and move forward with a renewed understanding of what it means to be a whole human living within a complicated and messy human experience.

  • How I Stopped Feeling Like There Was Something Wrong with Me

    How I Stopped Feeling Like There Was Something Wrong with Me

    “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” – Zen Shin

    In the past, I often felt like I didn’t belong in groups of women.

    Sometimes I felt like something was wrong with me, like I was othered in one way or another: too sporty, too quiet, too serious, too emotional, too dumb, too smart, too wild, too normal, too sexual, too prude.

    Other times, I felt like something was wrong with all of them. Girls’ nights and bachelorette parties? The screeching voices, the loud laughs, the mundane conversations about makeup, skin care routines, and lip injections? No thank you.

    I wanted so badly to belong but didn’t see a place for myself. I felt like I wasn’t doing the whole woman thing the right way. I found it easier to hang with the guys.

    But now? I have learned that nothing is wrong with me (or you), and hanging out with a group of women makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 🙂

    What shifted?

    First, I stopped comparing myself to others.

    Those “toos” I mentioned above, and that so many of us feel, are usually a product of that ever so insidious trap of comparison. It’s a trap because we get stuck in a negative thought loop, smothered by jealousy, anxiety, and self-criticism, which ultimately causes a fissure of separation, between ourselves and others.

    If we use other people and external standards as a barometer, we will always find ourselves being “too” something, which makes for a very disruptive and tumultuous internal experience. For me, it means that I have spent many years feeling insecure and ungrounded in who I am. It means I often acted as a chameleon and changed my energy based on who I was around, so I could “fit in.”

    But now, I don’t do that. (Okay, I still do it sometimes, but way less often.) I have learned that there is no “right” way to be a woman, or a human. We are each unique individuals with our own personalities, desires, fears, and preferences, and the uniqueness of all of us makes the world so much more interesting and beautiful.

    Second, I shifted away from judgment and toward curiosity.

    During my young adult years, I was very judgmental. I went from thinking that something was wrong with me to thinking that I was better than all the other women. I thought women talked too much about surface level things and people. My ego started to create stories of separateness: me over here wanting to ponder existential questions and talk about emotions, and them over there who wanted to gossip, laugh too loudly, and talk about makeup and boys.

    Now, instead of judging the “surface level” conversations (which still occur), I am curious about them.

    Why do women spend so much time discussing our weight, clothing, waxing habits, and skin care rituals? Because we have been force-fed the belief that we are inadequate the way we are. We are told that we have to buy this or that product if we want to be beautiful. We are told we have to be thin if we want to be loved. So it’s no wonder we spend so much time thinking and talking about matters of physical appearance.

    By switching from judgment to curiosity, I have realized that such discussions are actually not surface level at all. They are reflective of deep desires to belong, to be loved, and to be accepted.

    Third, I demoted my ego.

    My ego told me that I was the only woman that felt othered. That I was unique in my feeling like I didn’t belong. That I was special in some way because I wanted to have “deeper” conversations. That is such BS!

    I have now learned that I was in no way unique in feeling like I didn’t belong. Most women, and people, yearn to peel back the layers and connect with one another in a  deep, rich way, but we find ourselves stuck in a performative role, trying to show up how society has told us to.

    Many of us have erected walls around our hearts, minds, and bodies to protect the vulnerable, raw, sensitive parts of us. To protect the parts of us that we learned weren’t safe to express or were unlikeable. But we want to let others in.

    Lastly, I also started listening to the sage advice from philosophers, religious leaders, and laypeople across centuries.

    I started heeding their wisdom, which can be summed up as: you have everything you need within you.

    I started to deepen my connection to myself, knowing that the problem I was experiencing, namely the feeling of being othered and not belonging, could only be solved by first turning inward. I’ve deepened my connection to myself through dance, breathwork, journaling, meditating, and playing. I have started to uncover who I am and who I want to be, versus trying to fit into a mold of what I think a woman, or a human, is supposed to be.

    In my journey of releasing comparison, igniting curiosity, demoting my ego, and turning inward, I have also learned that:

    You are not too anything.

    This does not mean that you are perfect, or that you have no opportunities to grow and expand. But it does mean that there is no “right” way to be, except the way that is true and safe for you.

    Often when people say you are “too ___,” it is a reflection of their own insecurities.

    “You are too emotional” might mean, “I have not learned to express my emotions, and your vulnerability makes me uncomfortable.” “You are too loud” might mean, “I am not fully expressing myself, and I am jealous of your ability to express yourself confidently.”

    You are not alone in your desire to belong.

    It is likely that what you are feeling, others have felt at some point. When you remember this, you are reminded that you are not alone. The journey of self-discovery eventually leads to a feeling of oneness, because we absolve the illusion of self and separateness and begin to see our connectedness, our shared fears and desires. You know how it goes, we’re all made of stardust, baby!

    When you start to express the truest parts of yourself, it’s an act of leadership.

    Because in doing so, you provide a permission slip for others to do the same. This doesn’t mean you expect everyone to express themselves in the same way as you, but rather that we all start to express the weird, unique, quirky, true parts of ourselves. And that is what the world needs more of.

    So, here’s to less judgment, more curiosity; less separateness, more connectedness; less fear, more love.

  • 5 Things to Do When You’re Tired of Pretending to Be Happy

    5 Things to Do When You’re Tired of Pretending to Be Happy

    “Happiness is like being cool, the harder you try, the less it is going to happen. So stop trying. Start living.” ~Mark Manson

    I am a lucky person. In this crazy pandemic, my entire family and I have made it through in one piece. My husband has been out of work for half of a year and my son’s school has been closed. But I still have a job that can support my family.

    I am grateful.

    Every day after dealing with crazy deadlines and pressure at work, I go home and see my son’s sweet, cute face.

    I am happy. Or at least, I should be happy. At least, around him so that he can see and feel it. So he will grow up to be a happy person too.

    But sometimes, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying or pretending to feel happy when the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders, and I have to push every single second in my life to make it.

    Sometimes when I wake up so early that it is still dark out to go to work, I feel lonely and depressed. Sometimes when making my coffee, I cry a little while drinking it.

    That’s when I feel the burden of feeling happy.

    It is ridiculous that feeling happy becomes a burden. But it does. And all day long we’re bombarded with ideas to be happier and reminders that other people already are.

    How often do you surf the internet or scroll down on your Facebook, TikTok, or whatever app and see all of the so-called tips and tricks for a better body, a better salary… a better life?

    These kinds of life hacks are like ten a penny. Some are golden, some are stupid. And most of the time, people just make them up.

    Even though we might already know many of them, if not all, if we don’t go through them, what do we feel?

    We feel uncomfortable. Like we should watch them so we can learn more, so we can do more. So we can be better. And happier.

    How about when you are sitting on your couch, watching TV while eating chocolate, and a commercial comes on for a new workout or diet program. Immediately, you feel guilty as hell.

    Or how about when you scroll through your high school friends’ social media pages, and they seem to “have it all.” They talk about their healthy lifestyle, their new business, all the travel they’re doing, and you just feel like a complete loser.

    The fear of missing out is the real deal. So is the invisible competition between you and everyone else.

    We are always afraid.

    Especially when the whole world is going one way and we are going the other. But we don’t have to be happy all the time. And we don’t need beat ourselves up for feeling down.

    If you’re also feeling the burden of happiness, these ideas might help. (More tips and tricks, I know—but hopefully these ones won’t leave you feeling bad or guilty!)

    5 Simple Tricks to Let Go of the Burden of Feeling Happy

    1. Stop setting unreasonable goals and holding ridiculously high standards for yourself.

    We often think we have to be doing things all the time so we can be there for other people and we can achieve and attain the things we think we need to be happy.

    Here’s the harsh truth…

    We are not some damn robots that are wired to be superheroes and rescue the world. We don’t have superpowers or special magic that can get things done in a snap of our fingers.

    There are some days when we feel like we can do it all, but there are other days when we get lazy and tired.

    And it is completely okay to say “f*ck it” for a day or two.

    We don’t have to “save the day” all the time, it is okay to be saved too.

    So stop setting unrealistic goals and holding yourself to crazy high standards. It’s okay to want to accomplish things, but when you lay down those SMART goals and create your daily to-do lists, remember to give yourself some space to breathe too.

    2. Rethink your daily to-do list.

    Not the one you use to remind yourself of the important things. I am talking about the to-do list that requires you to jump from one thing to the next without any time to relax or drink some coffee. There is no point keeping a list of things that you know you won’t be able to complete. But we do it because we think we should happily go, go, go—be it all, do it all, and do it with a smile.

    Call me crazy, but there are days I am so busy that I don’t have time to go to the restroom. And I don’t drink any water on those days.

    So if your boss is crazy enough to ask you at the end of the day to submit a report the next morning, tell them you need more time.

    Don’t say, “Whatever you need!” Ask yourself what you need instead, especially on days when you’re not feeling your best.

    3. Be honest with your true emotions

    I am always envious as hell when I see some of my high school friends’ Facebook pages. When they seem to have it all figured out, but I am still trying, and struggling, and trying again.

    I used to brush away those feelings, telling myself to focus on what I have. But the feelings were still there. They don’t go away. And you know what happens with buried feelings.

    I now comfortably and publicly admit my emotions. I get jealous of people. I get sad. I get scared before speaking at every meeting. I say it out loud and I feel better.

    Some days I go to meetings and I tell everyone that I am nervous. And surprisingly, those meetings often go well.

    If you don’t know how to be honest about your true emotions, I highly recommend journaling. It helps to gradually open up your mind and lower your defense system.

    4. Come back to your core.

    Sometimes we are so lost in finding happiness that we forget what it really means—to us personally.

    Think about it, why do you do what you do? Is it just about money and responsibility, or is it also about taking care of your loved ones and feeling like you’re making a difference?

    Answer those questions, and when you’re aware that you are going against your core, lovingly turn back. No judgment. Remind yourself that it’s okay if you don’t feel happy in your daily grind because there’s a greater purpose behind everything you do.

    5. Do not compare.

    Remember, you are yourself. You are doing the best you can at the moment. No one has gone through what you’ve gone through, no one has done what you’ve done, so no one will fully understand.

    And the good thing is, you don’t need anyone to understand because you don’t need their approval.

    Same thing to others. You don’t know what they’ve been through. So do not secretly wish to switch your life with theirs.

    And remember you don’t have to be the best at everything you do. If you are not a super mom, it’s fine. I’m not mother of the year, but my son is completely cool with it. He still needs to hug my blanket and smell my scent to take naps when I’m not home.

    —

    It can be so unfashionable to admit that you don’t always feel complete, content, happy, and at peace. But it’s okay if you don’t.

    You are not a robot with wired emotions. You get scared, freaked out, worried, jealous, anxious, or whatever. And you are still an awesome you.

  • Was I An Overachiever or Really Just Trying to Prove My Worth?

    Was I An Overachiever or Really Just Trying to Prove My Worth?

    “I spend an insane amount of time wondering if I’m doing it right. At some point I just remind myself that I’m doing my best. That is enough.” ~Myleik Teele

    Just one more client. Just one more call. Just one more. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

    Then, maybe, just maybe, I will feel validated. Worthy. Appreciated.

    That’s how success works, right? Everyone has to like you, think you’re amazing, and recognize all of your hard work for you to be successful? I learned the hard way that this is the path to overwhelm, burnout, and a massive anxiety disorder. Because, you have to grind it out for that business; forget your physical, emotional, and mental health.

    Let’s not scapegoat my business, however; my lack of self-worth started years, decades even before I opened my former company.

    As the oldest of three, I was expected to achieve.

    In middle school, I played competitively on an AAU (Amateur Athletic Union) basketball team. I remember never feeling good enough, tying my self-worth up in what my coach thought of me, if our team won or not, or if I scored a certain number of points. Something I loved became something I despised.

    Playing basketball in high school left me feeling empty and like fraud. If I wasn’t the best, who was I? The performative pressure was suffocating.

    The overachiever in me was never satisfied, never okay with mediocre.

    In high school, I took the SAT three times to earn the scholarship I needed to pay for most of my education. I got into the top state schools and even some private colleges. I couldn’t apply to just one. I had to apply to just one more.

    With each letter of acceptance, I felt validated. Like I actually belonged and that my life held meaning. Maybe then, when I got into my dream school, I would be worthy, and all of this anxiety would be worth it.

    “Where are you going in the fall”? I remember not knowing how to answer that question.

    Wanting to go to college and actually going were two very different things.

    My parents sent me to a private college prep school, where we were practically reading through course catalogs freshman year. I thought it was something that was next in the sequence of achievements.

    On the way home from a college tour in the spring, my mom told me I had to pay for room and board. I just had to figure out how. I ended up staying in my hometown and going to community college, which was a blow to my eighteen-year-old ego. I was devastated, angry with my parents, and frustrated about all the hard work I had put in with nothing to show for it.

    My self-worth was in the tank; my need to prove myself was at an all-time high. So was that constant, chirping companion, anxiety.

    After two years of community college, I transferred to a state college and chose education as my major. I wanted to be a leader, a catalyst for change, a visionary. I made the Dean’s list, worked my way through college, and even got married.

    After I graduated, I taught physical education and was also athletic director of a grade school. I believed that by using my degree I worked so hard for, I would finally be happy and fulfilled. Instead, the position came with a principal who gaslit and bullied me daily, at the time taking away any joy that I had in my chosen field. But I had worked so hard for this. Shouldn’t that be enough?

    Working hard was always a badge of honor I wore proudly; more accolades from others to put into the validation tank. All the while, I never felt worthy. As the things I’d worked so hard for were taken away from me, I began to wonder if success was even in the cards.

    I felt lost. Undeserving. I was focused on my first year of marriage, teaching, and working on extended family relationships. Would I ever be accepted?

    If I tried hard enough, they would like me, the overachiever in me believed.

    But wait, was I really an overachiever? Maybe it was something deeper?

    Was I just addicted to working hard because I was trying to prove my worth and gain approval?

    With a full-blown anxiety disorder, depression, a drinking problem, and zero boundaries, I entered my thirties thinking that if I just made it in business, I would be whole.

    What a crock.

    The patriarchal standards I had tried to measure up to, were the same ones holding me back from living a life of peace. If I just, “hustled,” and “grinded,” despite the effects on my mental, emotional, and physical health, I could finally prove my worth. All that ended up proving was that mental health matters. My work is not my worthiness.

    So how did I go from codependent thinking and seeking validation outside of myself to understanding that we are all born worthy?

    First, I had to decide what really lights me up like a firecracker. Passion, playfulness, and purpose are lost when you were trained to look outside yourself for validation.

    I’d spent my life focused on achievement. What did “success” even mean? It wasn’t until I was well into my thirties that I realized success, to me, means freedom, and freedom meant letting go.

    I had to then get radically honest with myself about my upbringing, my relationships with family members, my belief system, and what I wanted out of life.

    Did I really want to run the service-based business I’d started after I quit my teaching job, with several employees, ongoing calls and emails, that had me working holidays, nights, and weekends, and that left me in a people-pleasing tailspin on a regular basis?

    My honest answer: No.

    Relief washed over me. Not regret, longing, or sadness.

    Relief.

    I then realized I needed to let go of people-pleasing, overachieving, and the need for external validation in other aspects of my life, which meant doing some radical boundary setting and self-reflection.

    Looking back through my years of wearing my hard work in school as a badge of honor, drowning in my former business like a sacrificial lamb, and navigating the sometimes-chaotic waters of a new marriage and family, I can finally understand that my worthiness doesn’t come from others. I am good enough as I am. My oneness comes from within, not from outside accolades.

    Getting to the root cause of the unworthiness, worry, and workaholism was a deep dive into my childhood and young adulthood. I realized I carried toxic shame and guilt and believed that if I was just “enough,” I would be able to finally be free.

    Turns out, the complete opposite is true. Chasing becomes all-encompassing. I had been treading water; doggie-paddling, not knowing that the pool of people-pleasing I was swimming in was keeping me stuck.

    These days, creating takes the place of hard work, clarity takes the place of drinking to cope, and self-compassion takes the place of validation-seeking to prove my worth. And that toxic friend named Anxiety? She still likes to show up unannounced, but I have the self-acceptance and healthy internal dialogue to keep our interactions short.

    Take it from this former overachiever: You are worth more than your work and your accomplishments. Just one more client? Just one more call? Not anymore. Now I just choose freedom.

  • 5 Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People

    5 Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People

    “No matter what you do, someone won’t be pleased. Someone will think your choices are wrong. And someone will tell you what you should do instead. No matter which path you take, someone will seem to be doing better. Someone will have more than you. And someone else’s life may look more impressive on paper. If you’re being true to yourself, none of that will matter because you’ll have something more satisfying than approval and the illusion of “success”: a life that feels right for you, based on your own wants, needs, values, and priorities.” ~Lori Deschene

    Have you ever walked past a grand-looking house, or driven through an upmarket neighborhood and thought, “I wish I lived here” or “The people living here are so lucky”?

    If you have, then we’ve been part of the same club! I used to do this a lot.

    While walking my dog, I’d look at a house and assume that the people living in that house must have been very happy with life. My assumptions were based on nothing more than the look of the front yard and the frontage of the house.

    When I think about it now as I write this post, I wonder, “How could I have been that naive?” Despite being aware of the expression “never judge a book by its cover,” that’s exactly what I used to do. How can one ever guess what lies behind the grand entrance of a home? Who knows what stories the plush homes of exclusive neighborhoods hold inside them?

    My regular bouts of comparisonitis got jolted by a sobering dose of reality through a shocking and tragic news story some years ago.

    One of the homes that I used to admire became the location of a horrific murder-suicide that wiped out an entire family! I could not believe my ears and eyes as I read the news and watched the coverage on television.

    My mind was thinking, in all its naivety, “How is that possible? What could have gone wrong for residents of that beautiful home? They had everything anyone could ever want, didn’t they?”

    Do I Know You?

    Have you heard the expression “human beings are like onions”? We have so many layers that hide our core self. As you peel away one layer, another appears!

    It is extremely difficult to know another person deep down to their core. How often have you found yourself wondering about the unexpected or puzzling behavior of someone you thought you knew well?

    The reality is that each one of us is unique, and it can often take a whole lifetime for us to understand our own selves. So, is it any wonder that we never manage to truly understand another person?

    Yet, we compare! We do it day in and day out, without even being aware of how easily and how often we slip into comparison mode.

    Humans are naturally prone to comparisons because this phenomenon begins quite early in our lives.

    As young kids, we might have experienced the feeling of being compared to other children—by parents, teachers, relatives, friends, peers, etc. As we grow into adults, we start comparing ourselves to other adults. Sometimes the comparisons might be in a favorable light, and at other times, the comparisons could be unfavorable. Either way, it leads to feelings that are unhealthy—a sense of superiority or inferiority.

    Feelings of arrogance or bitterness are never healthy, are they?

    Whether your comparison results in thoughts of “Oh, I’m so much better than this guy!” or “How does she do it? I’ll never be as good as her!”, there’s little doubt that “the thief of joy,” as coined perfectly by Roosevelt, has taken residence in your head and is busy ransacking your mind of all joy, happiness, and contentment.

    Why is it so difficult to avoid falling victim to the tendency of constant comparison?

    Social Comparison Theory

    Psychologist Leon Festinger proposed in his social comparison theory that the human species engages in comparison as a way of evaluating ourselves, like a benchmarking process. We get to know more about our own abilities, attitudes, or skills by comparing ourselves to our peers.

    Festinger’s theory contends that human beings can only define themselves in relation to other people. I wonder if that’s why the age-old existential question “Who am I?” seems so difficult to answer, as we seem to be incapable of defining ourselves independent of others.

    As mentioned earlier, social comparison can work in two ways.

    1. Upward social comparison

    This is when we compare ourselves to those who we believe are better than us. This type of comparison can lead to two kinds of thoughts, emotions, or outcomes.

    The first kind is where we might want to improve ourselves to reach the level of the person that we are comparing ourselves to, or even go past them. This is one possible benefit of comparison if we’re prepared to learn, as it could lead to personal growth.

    If comparison can be seen in this positive light, then “the thief of joy” might be entitled to a change of title and live inside us as “the giver of motivation.”

    The second and more common outcome of upward social comparison is envy, jealousy, and bitterness—obviously an undesirable outcome that can only lead to disappointment and frustration.

    2. Downward social comparison

    This happens when we compare ourselves to people who we believe are worse off than us. This is like an “artificial boost to self-esteem” exercise. The “at least I’m not as bad as him/her” attitude might help us feel better about our talents, achievements, or life situation, even if only temporarily.

    Social comparison begins early in life (for instance, a child in a kindergarten wanting the same toy that another kid has in his hands), gains momentum through school (new fads, fashions, and gadgets that kids want to follow or possess), and becomes deep-rooted in adulthood through comparisons in career, family, wealth, status, and lifestyle.

    This tendency to compare completes a full circle when the phenomenon moves on to adults comparing their children on how well they’re doing in academics, sports, or any other activity.

    Escaping the Comparison Trap

    To feel mentally and emotionally healthy, it is essential to free ourselves from the comparison trap. I’m sure none of us wants to experience the feeling of unworthiness from upward social comparison, or superiority from downward social comparison. So what can we do?

    Here are five simple ideas to get better at saying NO to the disease of comparisonitis:

    1. Define what success means to you.

    If we nailed down our own definition of success, the number of times that we indulged in comparisons would be significantly reduced. For instance, if our success definition were about raising healthy, happy kids, we wouldn’t really be bothered about someone else’s thriving business, would we?

    2. Discover your own strengths.

    Becoming aware of our strengths will help in minimizing the tendency of comparing our weaknesses with other people’s strengths. The great physicist Albert Einstein failed his French exams. Fortunately, he didn’t let that failure define him, as he was aware that his strengths lay elsewhere!

    3. Think of the big picture.

    Whenever you find yourself slipping into comparison mode (which will inevitably happen… we are human after all!), just remind yourself that there’s always more to a person’s life than what you’re seeing or hearing.

    Don’t let a peek through a small window into someone’s life lead to disillusionment or disappointment with your entire life. In other words, don’t compare your whole movie with another person’s highlights reel!

    4. Always be a student.

    Develop the “continuous learning” philosophy. If you always think of yourself as a student with lots more to learn in life, it becomes easier to think in terms of collaboration, not competition, with peers. If you think of yourself as an artist who is still painting his/her masterpiece, you might not be tempted to feel inferior when you view other people’s paintings because your job’s not done yet!

    5. Focus on small successes.

    When comparisonitis strikes, take up a small project that you can complete in a relatively short time, and do well. It could be something that you might’ve been putting off for a while.

    For example, let’s say you’ve started a new online business and you start to feel unsatisfied about the lack of progress. Maybe you’re looking at peers in your industry who are at a similar stage of the business cycle but seem to be gaining a lot more traction.

    Instead of letting this get you down, how about you focus on something small—like writing a blog or doing a podcast? Doing that specific task well could help lift your spirits.

    Unique Journeys

    Have you seen pieces of driftwood floating in a river? They come together at some point due to the action of the waves, might stay together for a little distance, and at some point down the river, the force of the waves separates them and they go their own ways.

    Our lives are like that.

    People come into our lives and go out of our lives at different stages of our life’s journey.

    We all begin our journeys at different points, end them at different points, and often our paths take different routes. Why then should we compare ourselves to others? After all, we are not running the same race.

    Try this exercise…

    Take a little trip down memory lane by rewinding your life some fifteen to twenty years. Think of someone that you always compared yourself with back then. It has to be someone that you’ve lost all contact with for many years. You also haven’t heard about them from anyone.

    Do you have any idea what they’re doing now? In fact, let’s go one step further—do you know if they’re still alive? Chances are your answer is “I don’t know.”

    So, my friend, in the long run, do comparisons really matter?

  • A Life-Changing Insight: You Are Not a Problem to Be Fixed

    A Life-Changing Insight: You Are Not a Problem to Be Fixed

    “I decided that the single most subversive, revolutionary thing I could do was to show up for my life and not be ashamed.” ~Anne Lamott

    I remember one particular clear, cold winter morning as I returned home from a walk. I suddenly realized that I had missed the whole experience.

    The blue, clear sky.

    The lake opening up before me.

    The whisper of the trees that I love so much.

    I was there in body but not embodied. I was totally, completely wrapped up in the thoughts running rampant in my mind. The worries about others, work, the future; about everything I thought I should be doing better and wanted to change about myself… it was exhausting.

    Alive, but not present to my life. Breathing, but my life force was suffocated.

    This was not new. In fact, up until that point I had mostly approached life as something to figure out, tackle, and wrestle to the ground. This included my body, my career, and the people around me. 

    My tentacles of control, far-reaching in pursuit of a better place, said loudly, “What is here now is not acceptable. You are not acceptable.”

    “You can improve. You can figure it out. You can always make it better.”

    But this time, rather than indulging in the content of this particular struggle, I observed the process I was in and realized profoundly that even though the issues of the day changed regularly, the experience of struggle never did.

    And I would continue struggling until I stopped resisting and judging everything and started accepting myself and my life.

    This wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts like these, but this time there was no “but I still need to change this…” or “I can accept everything except for this thing.” I knew it was 100% or nothing.

    I knew then I only had two choices:

    I could continue to resist reality, which now seemed impossible and exhausting (because it was). Or I could accept myself and the moment and make the best of it.

    “What if there is actually nothing to struggle against? What if I let go of the tug-of-war that I called my life?”

    The choice was before me. The one that comes to people when they have suffered enough and are tired: to put down the arms.

    This doesn’t have to mean accepting unhealthy relationships or situations. It just means we stop living in a constant state of needing things to change in order to accept ourselves and our lives. It means we learn to let things be—and even harder, to let ourselves be.

    Whenever I have a conversation with people who are struggling, I’ve recognized that they have this innate feeling of I should be doing better than this. Or, I should not be feeling like this.

    It might seem obvious that “shoulds” keep us in a contracted position of never-being-enough.

    But I have found that letting them go is not as simple as a quick change of thought.

    It seems like denying ourselves has become the generally accepted and encouraged modus operandi of our culture.

    Denying our feelings.

    Minimizing our pain.

    Hating our body parts.

    This leads to disconnection from the life that is here, the life that is us.

    Self-loathing has become the biggest dis-ease of our time.

    When we are disconnected from who we are in this moment, there is a tension between right here and the idealized self/state.

    This disconnection or gap is a rupture in our life force that presents itself as a physical contraction, a shortness of breath, an inner critic that lashes out harshly and creates a war within. This war contributes to pain, illness, and I’d guess 80% of visits to a medical doctor.

    Even some of the best self-help books promote this gap…

    Don’t think those thoughts.

    Don’t feel those negative feelings.

    Don’t just sit there—you should be doing something to improve yourself and your life

    All of the statements above might seem like wise advice. But we’ve missed the biggest step of all—mending the gap between who we are and who we think we should be so that we don’t feel so disconnected from ourselves.

    Disconnection is the shame that tells you that you’ve got it wrong, that it is not okay to feel or think the way you do in this moment. That you have to beat yourself up so you can improve, be more than you are now, be better.

    That you are a problem to fix.  

    This is the catch-22 of self-help when taken too much like boot camp. Self-help can be helpful, but it can create an antagonistic relationship with our true selves if it doesn’t include a full acceptance of who we are in this moment.

    The belief of “not-enoughness” is at the root of so much physical and emotional pain, and I, for one, have had enough of it.

    What if we allowed ourselves to be, or do, in the knowing that we are okay, that we are doing the best we can, given what we know at this point in time?

    Do you feel the fear-gremlins coming out that tell you that you will lie down on the couch and never get up again? Or perhaps you will never amount to anything or be good enough?

    This is the biggest secret of all: It’s all a lie to keep the consumer culture alive. 

    People who are scared and in scarcity need to consume something outside of themselves to gain fulfillment. But it never really comes because there’s always something new to change or attain.

    It can be so difficult for us humans to accept not only ourselves, but that everything just might be okay in this moment.

    That this feeling is just right. Even if it hurts.

    It’s okay to be right here, right now. Pain is here, and I don’t have to fight it.

    Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have.

    Because we are truly sacred, no matter how we feel.

    Maybe the only question to ask today is not “What do I need to do to change?” but “How can I love myself, just as I am?”

    Maybe the act of loving ourselves is as simple as taking a breath to regulate our nervous system and come back to the present moment.

    Maybe healing involves not so much changing ourselves but allowing ourselves to be who we are.

    Which is exactly what I did that day when I realized I had missed my whole walk because I was caught up in my mind, worrying about everything I wanted to change. I shifted my focus from the thoughts I was thinking to the feelings in my body. I realized that I was enough in this step, in this breath, and that’s all there is.

    I promise the results of moving into acceptance will feel far better than the shame, disconnection, and cruelty that come from the constant pursuit of self-improvement.

    The truth is…

    You are not a problem to fix.

    You are a human to be held.

    To be held in your own arms and loved into wholeness.

    Take care of your human.

  • How to Enjoy Social Media and Stop Comparing Your Life to Others

    How to Enjoy Social Media and Stop Comparing Your Life to Others

    “You never know what someone is going through. Be kind, always.” ~Unknown

    A few months back I was at the park and passed a family taking what looked like holiday photos.

    The mom’s hair was perfectly coifed, dad was nicely shaven and looking quite dapper, and four kids stood smiling between them—all wearing matching khaki and surprisingly clean white shirts.

    I watched the khaki family out of the corner of my eye as I pushed a stroller along the gravel trail, thinking of what their holiday post might say as my baby yodeled her displeasure at facing the sun.

    “Kayden is already reading!” I imagined the post beginning. “And Kenzy, Kyra, and Kourtney are now fluent in both Spanish AND Portuguese.”

    I giggled to myself as I imagined how the post would go on to detail news of the family travels, the dad’s promotion, and the non-profit the mom had started to benefit children in Siberia. I was checking all the boxes of an Instagram perfect share when my thought stream was interrupted by a piercing scream and some serious commotion.

    I looked over to see a khaki child being hauled out of the park’s pond by a now-not-so-dapper looking dad; mom was screaming and holding her white skirt above the mud as the other three kids threatened to join the first, who was now most definitely not clean.

    The photographer didn’t seem to know what to do, backing away from the deteriorating situation with a frozen smile and look of terror.

    I was far enough away that the scene didn’t involve me, but when I saw the mom break down in sobs I immediately had a stab of guilt: they aren’t some picture perfect social media fantasy, they’re just a regular family with regular emotional breakdowns like all of us have.

    My own baby started screaming as I stole one more glance over my sunglasses—this is the stuff you don’t see on social media, I thought. This is the stuff between the posts.

    **

    It’s important to remember all that doesn’t get shared on social media because otherwise we forget just how very human everyone else’s lives are too.

    With the advent of social sharing came the construction of an alternate universe, and the ability to create two-dimensional characters that don’t always match our actual lives.

    This sounds quite devious, but it’s not really our fault because social media wasn’t designed to be a play-by-play realistic depiction of who we are. Many refer to it as the “highlight reel” for a reason: most of us aren’t documenting our every moment, as evidenced by how few pictures you see of couples fighting or people picking their noses while staring at a screen.

    It’s easy to forget that the aforementioned moments are just as common in many of our lives as the smiling, witty, or thoughtful posts you likely see populating your feed (or even sharing yourself.)

    Even as someone who takes great care to be as honest and transparent online as possible, I can still recognize the chasm between my online avatar and my actual human life. Sometimes I’m thoughtful but sometimes I’m crass; sometimes I’m witty and sometimes I stare at a picture for an hour trying to come up with the perfect caption that seems off-the-cuff and effortless.

    And even as I recognize this gap between my online and actual self, I can forget that its true for other people as well—I have to consciously remind myself that other people (who may appear quite together and “perfect”) are also living very human, flawed, and sometimes boring lives.

    I know its easy to fall into the comparison game or to simply feel isolated (especially in times like the present, when so much of our lives are lived on a two-dimensional screen.)

    It’s for this reason I share with you some tips to cultivating a more positive relationship with social media—and more importantly, a healthy relationship with yourself.

    1. Remember that these are highlights, not reality.

    Though many of us try to be honest online about our imperfect lives, we still can’t possibly bring every fact about our reality to the screen (nor should this necessarily be the intention.) Not every emotion needs an audience, and its not always safe or necessary to bring all of our lives to the public sphere: but when scrolling through pictures of smiling faces and happy families, its important that we (the social media consumer)  remember that we’re seeing a highlight reel, not the “real” reel.

    2. Be yourself.

    This one sounds obvious, but its easy to put so many filters or edits onto our lives that we stop feeling like our actual selves.

    For example, years ago someone told me that I posted “too much” and I believed them; I decided to scale back my online presence in order to stop overwhelming the feed. I wouldn’t interact on social media for weeks at a time, trying to create this appearance of detachment and busy-ness: like I was simply too busy living life to interact online (when really I was totally still there I just didn’t want anyone else to think I was too much.)

    It was at this point that I began to hate social media and the people on it, and though at first, I blamed the platforms, I realized soon after that it was my relationship to them that was making me feel terrible.

    Once I realized it was because of who I thought I needed to be (or more importantly, who I thought I couldn’t be online—myself) I decided that I was done letting other people dictate who I was. I went back to interacting with friends, sharing articles I found interesting, and commenting on all the posts that my heart desired.

    This lightened me up to connect with people as my “real” self, turned off the “right” people who thought I was too much, and also helped me to like social media again. I found out that the energy had been coming from within me all along.

    3. Recognize the differences between you and your online persona.

    Whenever I start to compare my insides to other people’s outsides, I think about all the (accidental) differences there have been in my own social media posts and my actual life.

    For example, I took an amazing international trip a few years back that had me sleeping at the base of volcanos in Iceland and hiking to the top of green hillsides in Scotland.

    The pictures and memories I shared were mostly smiles and beautiful landscapes—I didn’t, however, detail my huge anxiety about driving in another country, or the tense moments between a close friend and I as we crammed ourselves into a camper van and tried not to snap at one another each cold morning. These omissions weren’t devious: they were simply not the moments I chose to share with other people. Similarly, it’s important to remember that other people are not sharing their full story with us either.

    4. Periodically check out of the online world and into your five senses.

    Sometimes I look up and realize that I’ve been scrolling mindlessly on my phone for way too long. I recognize these moments because I somehow end up three years deep into the online album of a person whom I’ve not seen for twenty years (or have never actually met in real life.)

    It’s moments like these that have had me swearing off social media all together: after all, why waste precious moments of life staring at other people’s timelines that have nothing to do with me?

    But I’ve found that this “all or nothing” approach isn’t sustainable for me either, because the truth is that I truly like connecting with people online—when I’m not mindlessly scrolling down rabbit holes, it’s really fun to check in with my friends and interact with the many people I’ve connected with virtually.

    The answer I’ve found is to balance my online interaction with my real-life day.

    I make it a practice to set a timer when I’m about to get on social media; finishing my scrolling or comments before the buzzer goes off becomes a game that I play with myself. And if I find myself feeling bad as I look at other people’s posts, I take that as a signal to sign off and look at “where my feet are.” As in: where am I standing, what can I see, hear, or touch?

    Checking in with my five senses gives me an idea of what’s real in my life, which gives me a space to decide if interfacing with the two-dimensional world is going to serve me at that moment or in that day. Though sometimes the answer is yes, the space to decide what serves us and doesn’t is the one from which we can enjoy social media interaction.

    5. Imagine your favorite celebrity constipated.

    Okay, I know that one’s a little crass, but bear with me here: Anybody that seems to have a perfect life is actually still a human just like you and me, with moments of definite imperfection at the same frequency.

    Yes, they might have great filters or a house that’s been featured on “lifestyles of the rich and famous”, but I guarantee that they too sometimes sit around picking their nose, have been heartbroken at one point or another, and likely have people that they watch longingly (and with a sense of comparison) as well.

    I’ll never forget happening into a group of very wealthy friends when I was young, and then being astonished at the ways they jealously compared themselves to even wealthier people. I was amazed at the houses and bank accounts they took for granted, while they told me about being made fun of in their privileged school for not having a garage full of antique cars or their own yacht, like some other (wealthier) classmates.

    As I scooped my jaw up off the floor I was forced to realize that there is no end to comparison, whether it be in real life or online: the key is to take some deep breaths, recognize all that we already have to be grateful for, and then remember just how similar our humanity is beneath the fancy filters and thoughtful captions.

    Everyone is doing the best they can—and this looks different online for different people. We are only responsible for what it looks (and feels) like in our world.

    **

    I hope the khaki family got a picture for their holiday card that day in the park, or that maybe they traded their perfectly posed smiles for some muddy and imperfect shots of real life. I got distracted with my own screaming baby and didn’t see how their shot turned out, but I’m sure that whatever happened, it didn’t all end up online. When I finally calmed my own daughter down, we lay belly up in the grass and I decided to snap a photo.

    “So grateful,” I captioned the post, looking at our happy faces beaming back at me from the land of social media. “And constipated,” I added with a smile, loading my daughter back into the car for our trip back home to our perfectly imperfect and very real, actual, life.

  • What Helps Me When I Feel Down About My Chronic Illness

    What Helps Me When I Feel Down About My Chronic Illness

    “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

    A few months back, before the pandemic upended life for all of us, I went through one of those times when I could do nothing but sit at home and rest for my health’s sake.

    I’d recently had another one of my surgeries; I was born with a genetic condition called vascular malformation, which grew and spread quite rapidly on my left cheek and into the mouth during my childhood. It’s the reason I’ve been paying visits to operation theaters for all of my life.

    I had my first successful operation, which was also the toughest time of my life, almost twelve years ago. Yet my visits to the hospital don’t seem to end for one complication or another.

    I’d always had faith in my early years that it was only a matter of a couple of years, that by the time I grew up I wouldn’t have to put up with any of the pains and discomforts and interruptions to life goals, that I’d finally be able to lead a normal life after my not-so-normal childhood.

    But now it doesn’t seem to be the case; my hopes are running out after two decades of trying to keep them up.

    It’s bad enough to live with the multiple scars on my body and my face for the rest of my life, without having to end up in the intensive care unit now and again.

    All I can think of right now is how I can’t give up, because I’ve always tried so hard to live according to my needs and wants. I can’t lose hope after everything  I’ve done and achieved for myself, from picking up my low self-esteem as a kid and making friends to getting my college degree.

    So now I need reasons to keep the spark alive in me.

    It’s said that health is wealth, and without it life seems to be pointless. I know there are many others out there struggling with various health issues, which may have led them to not being able to function at their best.

    Living with a chronic illness is undoubtedly hard, but it is possible to be happy in spite of its difficulties.

    These are some of the things I remind myself of whenever I feel particularly low.

    1. You weren’t a mistake.

    It’s so tempting to think that being born with a genetic disease implies you weren’t meant to live, that you were a mistake on behalf of nature.

    But really, our ancestors survived for almost three million years from the smallest to the largest of dangers. They made it through the heat, frost, starvation, threats from all kinds of animals, from lions and wolves to mosquitoes and bacteria; from earthquakes and hurricanes to the two world wars. And much of it was way before the advancement of technology and science.

    But they made it, all the way to you.

    You would be too good to be a coincidence, don’t you think?

    The human body (and the human mind) is stronger than what you might think. We don’t even fully understand the complex processes that take place inside us, yet if we needed to we could manage to inhabit and survive in every part of the planet, from Antarctica to the Atacama Desert to the Amazon Rainforest.

    Have faith that your body would heal and adapt itself to the world in the best possible way. It’s all about the time.

    2. Don’t compare your life with other people’s lives.

    It can be depressing to watch other people get on with their lives while you may not be able to do the things you want to do.

    But comparing yourself to others makes no sense; they are different people who had and still have different circumstances than you. Comparing is a total disrespect to your situation and to who you really are as a person.

    Here’s when loving yourself as you are in the present comes into play.

    You may not feel very productive or of much use to the world, but that’s all in your head. You are enough as you are.

    And sometimes the way to give meaning to the world is to help yourself first. You are setting an example to others by continuing to live life to the fullest.

    Allow yourself to rest when the need arises, because it is exactly what you deserve at the moment.

    3. Know that life is a gift, and be grateful.

    I’ve found that fiction can provide insights on practically anything under the sun, which is why I love to read. One of the books that really moved me was Paulo Coelho’s Veronica Decides to Die , which tells the story of a woman who survives a suicide attempt and ultimately learns that every moment of her existence is a choice between living and dying. I think it perfectly encapsulates the idea of each day being a gift.

    I know that being grateful for what you have is a clichéd idea, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

    During the times at the hospital, I wasn’t able to take care of my basic needs, so I started to appreciate the little things that I was able to do and experience. I was grateful to be able to eat an egg for breakfast, and to walk around by myself and listen to music on my laptop. I’ve many more reasons to be grateful for right now that I’ve come home.

    I wholeheartedly believe that life’s simplest pleasures are the greatest, as Henry David Thoreau says, “That man is rich whose pleasures are the cheapest.”

    4. Don’t let the disease define who you really are.

    I’ve always felt singled out from the rest because of the apparentness of the scar on my face and the disease. It’s hard to try to be normal when everyone knows at first glance that you’re different.

    But I never let that get in my way of how I wanted to live my life because I know that I am so much more than my illness.

    You are an individual with a personality, with your own likes and dislikes, your own quirks and interests and opinions about the world.

    Earlier in my childhood days I was only an academic achiever, but now I can describe myself as a multi-lingual learner, an avid book reader, and a musician.

    But it’s not just about the things you can do. It’s about who you really are.

    Sharing our thoughts and feelings is sharing the most important parts of ourselves, so I’ll continually do my best to express myself authentically.

    Don’t allow people to put you in a box, especially a box that is labeled as “handicapped,” “ill,” or “diseased.” Remember that you are so much more than that and you can give your life any meaning you want.

    Custom artwork by Kelly Benini

  • The Key to Happiness: Compare Less, Be More

    The Key to Happiness: Compare Less, Be More

    “Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people.” ~Unknown

    Stepping off the bus I was in shock.

    This tiny thing? With no doors in the doorways and no glass in the windows?

    This little place? With walls that looked like they were lone survivors of war?

    I would’ve been sure it was abandoned if it wasn’t for the hundreds of little footprints on trampled soil making up the floor of the school. A giant field with two erect logs on either side served as goals for what was supposed to be a gym. I always thought these types of experiences were supposed to make you feel grateful for what you have. Yet what happened that day made me feel poor.

    Today we were painting a school in northern Costa Rica. As the second bus pulled up, children flooded the campus. Brushes in hand and paint cans open wide, the workday began. Even though none of our group spoke Spanish, communication flowed effortlessly.

    Stroke after stroke, the diligence and level of attention of these kids was inspiring. Yet what struck me the most was how happy they were. It was as if they were not even aware their school didn’t have a floor. I couldn’t understand where this abundance of happiness was coming from until I met Luis.

    Somewhere between his broken English and my broken Spanish we bridged an understanding. I asked him about his life and he asked bout mine. I was stunned when he had no idea what New York was. How could he not know New York? I tried to explain, but our language barrier made it hard to paint a picture. Moving from words to gestures, back to words, I was like a mime trying to act out a song. These kids were truly happy in a way that I never saw kids in the states be.

    Then it hit me.

    What his family lacked in their bank accounts, they made up for in happiness.

    These people did not check their Instagram feeds, spending hours a day comparing their lives to people they never met across the world. Everyone around them was relatively on the same economic level.

    These kids prioritized relationships and time outside, not their cell phones or game consoles. Their expectations were low and enthusiasm for life high. They were rich in every way I wasn’t. They were happiness millionaires with no credit limits on their joy.

    Taking it With Me

    Life isn’t made up of many big decisions, but the compounding of thousands of small ones. When looking at our credit card bills, these decisions are easy to see, but most of life doesn’t come with such a transcript.

    I couldn’t reprogram my mind instantly, short of hitting myself over the head and hoping to forget the world I knew. I wondered what small, compounding changes I could make in my life to be more like Luis. If I could identify the moments in the day where I compare myself to others and minimize that, could my happiness level rise?

    I decided to run the experiment.

    After spending three days being hyper aware of all my actions I found, on average, thirty-seven instances a day where I compared myself to someone else.  Here was the breakdown where these moments occurred:

    58%: While on social media

    33%: In the world (going to work, from work, shopping, etc.)

    10%: During a conversation with another person

    Seeing things broken out like this was eye opening. This task went from overwhelming and impossible, to actionable and realistic.

    My Results and Action Plan

    Social Media

    Even though this made up a huge percentage, I was never one to be on social media for hours a day. However, I noticed that in just one session I could rack up multiple counts of comparing myself to others. To combat this, instead of turning off social media, I changed who I was paying attention to.

    Any celebrities that added nothing to my life except their flashy lifestyles were unfollowed, deleted, and replaced by more useful content. Most acquaintances that I didn’t really know well were also removed. My feed became a mixture of close personal relationships and cool interesting things I could learn from.

    In the World/In Conversation

    These two were much harder to combat. Yet while the solution to cutting them out was far from easy, it was quite simple. Since I could not prevent myself from getting these thoughts, I would use the notepad on my phone and record the instances after they occurred. After noting each occurrence, I would write, “Compare less, be more.”

    In about two weeks something strange began to happen.

    Not only did I see a dramatic reduction in my count, but now my brain would catch itself. Right as I was about to compare myself to something or someone, the principle would play in my mind instead, “Compare less, be more.” This would instantly break my thought pattern and put me back into the present moment. This wouldn’t happen every time, but it happened more and more every week.

    After one month I noticed a dramatic increase in my happiness. I conducted the experiment again and found the number of daily comparisons were reduced to thirty-seven to nine.

    Ultimately, much of our unhappiness comes from us looking onto others’ greener grass while neglecting our own yards. We focus on comparing and competing instead of creating and being. Not having a Ferrari does not make us any less, but constantly reminding ourselves we don’t have a Ferrari absolutely does.

    When we attach our self-worth to anything or anyone, it’s no longer ours. We limit the flow of ideas and range of action as we approach life from a state of lack.

    The next time you find yourself being obsessed over something you don’t have, just remember to compare less, be more. Maybe one day we can all be as rich as Luis, the richest kid in the world.

  • What Helps Me When I’m Tempted to Compare Myself to Others

    What Helps Me When I’m Tempted to Compare Myself to Others

    “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” ~Zen Shen

    Wow, you’re a bit of a loser compared to this guy, aren’t you, Will?

    He’s winning at life—great job, great house, obviously making better money than you.

    I sigh deeply and continue scrolling.

    He takes care of himself, no Buddha belly, unlike you.

    It’s true. I begin to feel like a useless lump. I keep scrolling.

    No yellow and crooked teeth, either.

    “His teeth are pretty straight,” I think to myself, staring at the guy’s mouth on the screen.

    Damn right, they’re straight, like tic-tacs coming out of his gums. Perfect and white, not like yours.                                                                                                                     

    I sigh once again and continue to scroll on Facebook.

    —

    Above is a typical dialogue between what I refer to as my Gremlin and me.

    Does this voice sound familiar to you?

    I’m talking about the troublesome terror that pops up like an unwelcome guest at the front door.

    This nasty voice that loves to commentate and condemn—the voice that leaves us feeling unworthy and inferior, if we listen long enough. This, my friends, is the Gremlin of Self-Comparison.

    I Imagine how different an exchange would unfold if it were another person (outside of my head) giving me the bashing.

    If, for example, I was sitting on a park bench and a complete stranger walked up to me and said, ”Hey loser,” before pointing out how those around were superior to me. I imagine I’d walk off confused and leave this stranger alone after his unprovoked attack.

    ”Who is he to talk about me like that? He doesn’t even know me!” I would say to myself as I walk off.

    I’d tell myself he must be deeply unhappy to treat other people this way, and I certainly wouldn’t take his comments to heart.

    Most of us wouldn’t. We’d either ignore such criticism or defend ourselves.

    So, here is the million-dollar question: Why do we accept talking to ourselves like this?

    My belief is this: because it feels real, and we believe we are the voice. The truth is, however, we’re the listener, not the speaker.

    But the voice of the Gremlin seems like a credible source. I mean, the voice comes from inside of us, why wouldn’t we trust it?

    It helps to understand why we compare in the first place.

    We are programmed that way. Comparing ourselves to others is a natural and inherent instinct. In prehistoric times this innate ability allowed us to swiftly analyze others and identify possible threats, yet in today’s society these quick critiques could be causing harm rather than preventing it.

    Let’s face it: Facebook and Instagram newsfeeds are perfect catalysts for those episodes of self-pity and dissatisfaction, when we’re staring at our phone screens alone late at night, admiring how well everyone else seems to be doing.

    We have to wonder, who are the newsfeeds feeding?

    Could it be our Gremlins? Our insecurities? Our ego?

    It dawned on me a while ago that I will never win playing the game of self-comparison.

    No matter how much money I make, there will always be someone richer.

    Even if I get in better shape, there will always be someone fitter and stronger.

    But just knowing these things doesn’t mean I am able to stop comparing myself to others. I’ve had to accept my Gremlin is here to stay.

    So what’s the alternative to trying to win against the Self-Comparison Gremlin?

    I do my best to live by the following three mantras, as they serve me well in living with my Gremlin. Not “beating” or “silencing” my Gremlin. Living with him.

    1. If I’m going to compare, I will compare who I am today with who I was in the past.

    We’re forever growing, learning, and achieving. However, we fail to recognize and celebrate this when we’re listening to the Gremlin and concentrating on other people’s lives. Compared to who I was in the past, today I’m happier, wiser, and stronger. I’ve overcome anxiety, debt, disappointments, and heartbreak, and you know what? I’m still here.

    We’ve all had challenges and we’re all still here. When we rate ourselves by the accomplishments of others, we overlook our own successes.

    There’s one risk in comparing our current selves to our past selves: When revisiting the past, I may recognize that some areas of my life were better previously than they are now. I then have a choice. If I want to improve this area, I’ll set a goal. If right now I don’t wish to change, I’ll accept where I am. But what I won’t do is focus on everyone else’s progress and feel bad about myself as a result.

    2. The people I’m comparing myself to are not flawless.

    No matter how infallible and perfect others may seem, I’ll bet good money they have their Gremlins too. We are all equal in life. I’m no better than anybody else but I’m certainly not any worse. It’s important to remember that social media is only a highlight reel.

    We all know real life is far more messy, raw, and flawed.

    This is the beauty of being human.

    3. I love and accept myself as I am right now (including my Gremlin).

    Our Gremlins mean us well. Really, they’re trying to protect us by identifying areas where we may be “falling behind.” They’re only cruel because they’re scared—that we’ll somehow miss out if we don’t keep up with other people.

    I named mine Colin. What I find helpful about naming the voice is I’m able to check in and ask, “Okay, who is talking up there? Is this my trail of thought or is Colin going off on one?” The more I learn to love Colin and appreciate his good intentions, the less he pops up. When he does, I thank him and send him a little love for being a part of me. I let him know I hear him, although I may not choose to listen.

    I do my best to accept myself as I am, with my Buddha belly and less than perfect teeth. Because our imperfections make us who we are. My new favorite word currently is flawsome—meaning we are all awesome despite our flaws. Cool, right?

    Wouldn’t life be boring if we were all exactly the same? Plus, if we were all exactly the same, perhaps there wouldn’t be any more Gremlins, and to be honest, I kind of like mine now.

  • The One Question You Need to Ask Yourself When Deciding What to Do

    The One Question You Need to Ask Yourself When Deciding What to Do

    Thinking man

    “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

    I’ve recently discovered that for fifty-odd years I’ve been asking myself the wrong questions. Uh-oh.

    Maybe you are too.

    The questions we ask ourselves habitually—even when the process is totally unconscious—guide our lives in a very profound way. For me, the two questions that dominated my thinking had very different, but equally pernicious results. They are: What am I supposed to be doing? And What do I feel like doing?

    The first question is all about hitting the numbers. What looks good in the eyes of the world? What would others see as successful, laudable or, at the very least, sensible? What would your mother approve of?

    This question was especially influential in my early life, but I’m still susceptible to a good dose of “compare and despair” angst.

    We love to see how we stack up against everyone else, and that impulse never seems to go away. Instead of comparing grades, test scores, and college acceptances, it’s salaries, vacations and how our kids are doing.

    There’s always some external standard we’re supposed to be hitting.

    The “supposed to” agenda is dictated by the ego, or what I like to call the Social Self. It’s all about getting you to line up and conform to the standards society sets for measuring success and general acceptability. It’s not about what would make you feel happy or fulfilled or even reasonably satisfied. Often it makes you downright miserable.

    I chose a career and two marriages based on that agenda, all of which are now defunct. The truth is, you’re not “supposed” to do anything. Truly. I know that’s hard to swallow. I have to remind myself of it daily, even hourly. There is no right answer. Life isn’t even a test! Who knew?

    Let’s all take a moment to let that one sink in.

    Unfortunately, once I finally figured out that I’m not supposed to do anything, I promptly fell into the next trap for a decade or two. As an antidote to the first question, I swung to the opposite extreme and decided that I would only do what I felt like doing.

    The problem with What do I feel like doing? is that it keeps us stuck in our comfort zones. Honestly, I usually don’t feel like doing things that make me scared and uncomfortable. Or that require a long slog of work with no guarantee of reward at the end.

    It’s hard for me to admit that this question is also wrong, because I’m a big fan of “following your bliss” and doing the things that make you feel good.

    The real problem here is in the timeline. What do I feel like doing? focuses on your feelings in that very moment. Would I rather have a glass of wine and surf the web right now, or work on that thorny chapter in my book that doesn’t want to settle into shape? Hmmm.

    Which brings me to the one question I’ve found that actually does pay to ask: What do I aspire to? This question still focuses on what you really want (not what society tells you to want), but it directs your attention out a little ways.

    What do you want to do in the grand scheme of things, not just in this moment?

    To aspire means “to direct one’s hopes or ambitions toward achieving something.” Some synonyms are: desire, hope for, dream of, long for, yearn for, set one’s heart on. That sounds kind of delicious, doesn’t it?

    Remember, we’re not talking about what would look good to others, but what would feel good to you, which is a tricky distinction for most of us. The key here is to focus on your body’s reactions.

    Thinking about what you aspire to should feel exciting and inspiring. If you feel tense or anxious or stressed out, you’re probably back in ego territory, trying to figure out what you’re “supposed” to do. (Stop that.)

    And don’t let the ego get its sticky hands on your aspirations, either. It’s easy to get sucked back into the idea that we need to achieve something specific—and within a certain timeframe, mind you!—in order to be happy.

    Refuse to go there. Focus on the joy of engaging in a goal that’s meaningful to you, no matter how long it takes or what others might think of it. Take your time and relish the process; that’s what life is really about.

    Asking What do I aspire to? keeps you homed in on your bliss, but defers the gratification just enough to get you off the couch and sitting in front of the computer, or schlepping to the gym, or picking up the phone.

    Go for the glow, follow your bliss, by all means… just not in this very moment. Get used to projecting yourself a little bit forward, and then consulting your body to find out what would feel really good to it then.

    It’s a great question to ask yourself at the start of every day, as a kind of intention-setting ritual. What do I aspire to in this day? How do I want to show up in the world?

    Flash forward to the end of that day and imagine what would make you feel really great to have done. Do the same at the beginning of the month or a new year. Use it to set goals that really matter to you, not just to your mom or your 750 Facebook friends.

    So, what do you aspire to (even if you don’t feel like it in this very moment)? Now go take a baby step or two toward it. I’ll be right there, just as soon as I finish watching this kitten video.

  • 13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    “Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” ~Shannon L. Alder

    You know it already.

    You know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. Yet, that’s often easier said than done.

    Job title, income, grades, house, and Facebook likes—the number of categories in which we can compare ourselves to others are infinite. So is the number of people we can compare ourselves to.

    Comparison is generally the fast track to unhappiness. It’s a recipe for misery. All it does is keeping you focused on what you don’t like about yourself and your life.

    Ever since I made the decision to change careers, I’ve tried to focus on my new path. I’ve pictured myself as a horse with blinders, because I knew that looking too much on the sides would only keep me side-tracked.

    It worked for a while. While I was out traveling for a year I kept my eyes on the prize, so to speak. But, when I came back home again, it wasn’t so easy anymore.

    I caught myself glancing over to what other people had, and I didn’t. Where they were in life and I wasn’t. I had made the decision to rebuild my life from scratch, so of course, I was “behind” when comparing myself to my friends.

    The more I focused on their path, and not my own, the more I lost control. Eventually, I reached a point where I questioned my decision, and that’s when I knew I had to change perspective quickly.

    Here are thirteen simple ways to stop comparing yourself to others:

    1. Water your own grass.

    When we focus on other people, we lose time that we could otherwise invest in ourselves. We don’t grow green grass by focusing on our neighbor’s garden, we do it nurturing our own. So, instead of wasting time comparing your path to someone else’s, spend it investing, creating, and caring for your own.

    2. Accept where you are.

    You can’t change something you don’t acknowledge. So, instead of resisting or fighting where you are, come to peace with it. Say yes to every part of your life, and from that place, make decisions that will move you in the right direction.

    3. Love your past.

    Your life might have been messy and bumpy. It might have been colored by mistakes, anxiety, and fear. I know mine has. But all those things were catalysts to help you become a better, wiser, and more courageous version of yourself. So, embrace your story and how much you’ve grown from it. Be proud of what you’ve done and for wanting to create a better life for yourself.

    4. Do a social media detox.

    We’re constantly bombarded with people who live #blessed lives on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. What we don’t consider is that we often compare our own worst moments with someone else’s highlight.

    Social media can be a great source for inspiration. But, if it triggers inadequacy, self-doubt, and frustration, then choose to do a detox. Make sure you control social media and not the other way around.

    5. Know that this isn’t the end of the movie.

    If you’re not happy where you are today, remember that this is just a snapshot of your life. Where you are today doesn’t say anything about where you’ll be in one or three years from now. What matters isn’t where you are. What matters is your mindset, attitude, and where you’re going.

    6. Be grateful for what you have.

    Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

    Whenever you find yourself looking at what other people have, remind yourself of what you’re grateful for. For me, that means appreciating my family, my wonderful friends, and the fact that I’m living in a peaceful country (Sweden). So, shift focus from what you don’t have, to what you do have.

    7. Decide not to let fear guide your choices.

    The choices we make are either based on love or fear. For example, I moved to Paris for a job I was really excited about. That was based on love. Then I stayed a bit too long because I was afraid of what would happen if I quit. That was based on fear.

    I’ve made all my fear-based decisions out of insecurity and a feeling of scarcity. They’ve never taken me in the direction I wanted.

    Make sure love is the foundation for your choices. To stay on track, ask yourself this powerful question, “What would love do right now?”

    8. Realize that you’re not perfect.

    There will always be someone who’s richer, smarter, and more attractive than you. No one is perfect. Trying to be perfect is not the solution. So, instead of getting down on yourself for your flaws, quirks, and imperfections, accept them fully. Free yourself by embracing the fact that you’re perfectly imperfect.

    9. Be your own ally.

    That mean voice inside your head can tell you all kind of BS. Mine has told me that I’m boring, stupid, and ugly in comparison to others (and a bunch of other awful things).

    Instead of joining in when the mean voice of comparison pops up, choose to be on your side. Relieve, soothe, and comfort yourself. Give yourself regular pep talks, and if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

    10. Turn comparison into inspiration.

    We tend to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s big moment. We tend to focus on their success, not on the thousands of hours they’ve spent preparing and working for their achievement. Instead of letting other people’s triumphs get you down on yourself, let them open you up to possibilities. Let them be inspiration for what you can be, do and have in life.

    11. Stop “shoulding” yourself.

    Comparison often leads to us “shoulding” all over ourselves. We say things such as, “I should have this by now” or “I should have come further.” But statements like that just keep us focused on what we’re lacking.

    Instead of using “should” when expressing commitments, use “want” and notice how your inner dialogue shifts.

    12. Compare yourself with you.

    If you need to compare yourself with someone, compare yourself with you. What can you do to improve your life quality? How can you be a better and more loving person? How can you be nicer to yourself than you were yesterday? You are the only person you can compare yourself with.

    13. Tell a better story.

    If the story you’re telling yourself isn’t one of empowerment, strength, and optimism, then tell a better story.

    Instead of telling yourself you’re not competent enough to do the work you want to do, tell yourself you’re brave enough to try something new. Instead of blaming yourself for mistakes in the past, remind yourself that you did the best you could and that you’ve learned from it.

    Take Back What Belongs to You

    Comparing ourselves to others often leaves us feeling frustrated, anxious, and paralyzed about moving forward. It doesn’t help one single bit in creating the life we want. Instead, it just takes away valuable time and energy that could have been spent on building our future.

    Whenever you focus on what other people have that you don’t, you give away your power. Every minute spent on comparing your path to someone else’s is a minute lost on creating your own.

    So, take back your power from all the people, places, and situations where you’ve left it and bring it back home. Decide that your energy will be used for believing, not doubting, and for creating, not destroying.

    Focus on you. Focus on watering your grass and building your path. Focus on being the best that you can be and share that with the rest of us.

    You got this.

  • Our Differences Make Us Unique and Beautiful

    Our Differences Make Us Unique and Beautiful

    Do not underestimate yourself

  • Why We Don’t Need to Worry About What’s Missing in Our Lives

    Why We Don’t Need to Worry About What’s Missing in Our Lives

    Life is like a puzzle..Life consists of many components, 3d rendering

    “Don’t compare your struggles to anyone else’s. Don’t get discouraged by the success of others. Make your own path and never give up.” ~Unknown

    My recent breakup was the most painful experience of my life. More painful maybe than it should have been, as it came at a time when a lot of things weren’t going as I hoped they would.

    The road to healing seemed so much steeper and longer when all of these things also needed to be ‘fixed.’

    As I approached my thirtieth birthday, I found myself back living at home with my parents and at a crossroads in my career. I was suffering from anxiety and felt as though my life had little purpose. Things just weren’t supposed to be this way. This was not part of the plan.

    I knew that I needed to make some serious changes, but I was overwhelmed by the sheer size of the task in my hands.

    It wasn’t just my heart that had smashed. It was as though my life was a jigsaw that had just been broken into a million pieces. And I had to recreate the picture.

    So I started as you do with a jigsaw.

    I slowly picked up the pieces, one by one, and tried my best to slot them together.

    It wasn’t an easy task. Sometimes I couldn’t find the piece that I was looking for. Often, it seemed like the small sections I had completed would never properly fit together. There were many times I got frustrated and felt like abandoning the project all together.

    Yet somewhere along the way the picture started to take shape.

    I focused on my mental health and explored mindfulness. I devoted time to new hobbies and joined a sports club. I revisited my childhood passion for writing. I spent quality time with old friends and enjoyed getting to know new ones. I got a puppy.

    Bit by bit, I picked up the pieces and worked hard to create something new.

    After a while I could start to recognize some serious progress. I was still a long way off finishing the jigsaw, but it was getting easier to work on it. I was feeling much stronger, feeling a new sense of hope that one day I would get there. I had caught a glimpse of what the picture could become.

    Yet despite my best efforts, the holes in the picture haunted me.

    I was acutely aware of the parts that were missing. Months had passed, and some of the main pieces still evaded me, the ones that I saw as being crucial to my picture. It weighed on me greatly.

    Without these pieces, I felt that the jigsaw could never really make sense. Instead of concentrating on the pieces I had, I spent a lot of my time searching for these middle pieces. The others just didn’t hold as much value. At least, that’s how I chose to view it.

    Then one day, I cast my thoughts back to the start of my jigsaw journey.

    I remembered how utterly lost and frightened I had felt at that time. How overwhelming the whole process ahead seemed. And I realized just how much of the picture had appeared without me really noticing it. I considered how inconceivable this progress had seemed at the start, how proud I should be that I had managed to get this far.

    But once again, the missing pieces came into focus.

    On a night out with friends, talk naturally revolved around our jigsaws. I was already acutely aware that theirs were at a more advanced stage to mine. Engagements, mortgages, weddings, children.

    I observed, sadly, how many of their milestone pieces were already secure. An acute reminder that I still had so many to find.

    I wondered if I would ever find them or if my jigsaw would just remain incomplete forever. Still a jigsaw of sorts, but not as it should look. I was happy for my friends’ success. I just worried that I seemed to be so far behind.

    But then, as the conversation continued, I made another observation.

    It seemed as though there were parts of their jigsaws that were also still incomplete. These may have been the outer parts, the ones not quite at the center, but they were parts of the jigsaw nonetheless—parts that I, myself, had managed to obtain but perhaps had taken for granted.

    Through hard work and determination, I had successfully made the career transition that had once seemed impossible.

    My lowest points had strengthened my relationships and showed me that I had people who I could really count on.

    My period of reflection had taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted from life.

    I had developed my own interests as an individual and become more independent.

    I acknowledged that these were also a significant part of the picture, and that a jigsaw had many different pieces and everyone still had work to do. I realized that while I was busy concentrating on my missing pieces, I had neglected to appreciate the value of these other ones.

    While I was busy feeling ashamed of its hollow middle, others may just have been noticing how my corners were taking shape. To me, my jigsaw didn’t look as I wanted it to, but that didn’t mean that it looked the same to everyone else. And it didn’t make my success any less admirable.

    Viewed with a less critical eye, they would see a jigsaw that was slowly but surely taking shape, albeit a little slower than their own. A jigsaw at a different stage but with lots of potential. If I shifted my perspective, I might just notice how all the pieces were starting to connect.

    We are all completing a jigsaw of our lives at any given moment. Some of us are further ahead; some of us are a little bit behind. Sometimes a tremor comes along that will damage a piece of the picture, or may even dismantle it completely.

    In that case we must start to rebuild it again, maybe even from scratch. Sometimes we may never find a missing piece and the jigsaw must be appreciated without it. To destroy the whole jigsaw because of one missing piece would be to sacrifice a lifetime’s effort.

    The important thing is that, as we work side by side to do this, we must not let each other’s “success” deter our own progress. We have all been given slightly different jigsaws, some appear easy, some harder, but they will all have their unique challenges. And in the end, each one creates a beautiful picture. A result that is completely unique.

    How someone else constructs their jigsaw will not be the same as your approach. Some people dive straight in and fill in the middle, but then can find it a bit more difficult to fill out the edges. Some like to sort out all the pieces carefully before they even start.

    Some will have help completing their jigsaw, but that just makes it more of an achievement for those who manage to complete it alone. Your jigsaw is your masterpiece. It does not have to look like anybody else’s, nor does it have to be completed in the same way.

    Approach it your own way, and be sure to credit yourself for each part that takes shape. You can glance at others’ jigsaws now and again, but don’t let this put you off yours. No one knows what life holds in store for us, so comparison is a futile exercise.

    Support others and celebrate their progress, trusting in your heart that they will do the same for you as you move forward. Your time will come. You may even inspire others along the way.

    Try not to worry about how the picture will turn out, but enjoy the process and the excitement of seeing it revealed. You may think that you know what the picture will be like, only for it to turn out completely different. But either way, at the end, you will look back and see that they were all made perfectly. That your final picture is beautiful and as it was always meant to be.

    As it stands my jigsaw is still incomplete, but I am choosing to view the process differently. I am consistently working on the smaller pieces and these are bringing me much greater satisfaction.

    They are starting to give the whole picture a lot more meaning now that I’m not fixated on the gap in the middle. I now have much more appreciation for the value of these pieces. I know that I will look back one day and see that these were a lot more vital than I initially thought.

    I am also choosing to trust that the bigger pieces are on their way. I look forward to the days when they will slot easily into their rightful place, surrounded by a sturdy framework.

    With hindsight I can see that first jigsaw just wasn’t working out for me. Although painful at the time, the shake-up was necessary. There were pieces that were never going to fit, no matter how much I wanted them to. I like to believe that there is a reason why my jigsaw needed to be reconstructed in this way.

    For now, though, I have decided to be present and just enjoy the process. Because the reality is that we only get one jigsaw, and I want to make the most of the one I’ve got.

    I have a feeling that it’s shaping up to be a good one.

  • 5 Reasons You Feel Alone (And How to Change That)

    5 Reasons You Feel Alone (And How to Change That)

    Alone

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” ~Arthur C. Clarke

    “You are not alone” is a phrase we speak, hear, and read over and over again.

    Testimony and statistics prove that others have lived our types of misfortune. Given that evidence, why is it that so many of us feel as if we are somehow different than all the others who have triumphed over tragedy or are climbing those proverbial mountains?

    The seed was first planted ages ago when I was having a conversation with a loved one during a difficult time in her life. “I know how you feel,” I said, “I’ve been there.” How many times have you given or received this type of comfort?

    “You’ve never been where I am!” she shouted back at me. “My life’s a living hell.”

    Right then I had an AHA moment. “You’re right,” I said. “I’ve never been in the exact same place you’re in, but I’ve been right next door. Everyone’s hell is different, but everyone has their own.”

    In that moment I realized that, though others have experienced similar hardships and emotions, we can’t fully understand because we are nothing more than bystanders, albeit neighbors who can somehow relate.

    Years after that epiphany, something continued to plague me. Why, when we understand that we aren’t alone, do so many of us still feel alone?

    We are often faced with short-term situational aloneness. A job, school, or home relocation takes us away from friends, family, and associates, often causing a short-term sense of separation. Divorce often creates a shift in our relationships with others as we try to navigate a new social normal.

    Aside from these obvious forms of separation are more subtle, complex, and longer lasting causes.

    Here are five reasons we feel alone and what we need to know about them.

    1. We feel alone because we are alone in our heads and in our hearts.

    It might seem pretty basic, but for those of us who were introduced to “You are not alone” at a young age, or those like me who gravitate toward more straightforward interpretations, we might still internalize the quote more literally. The truth of the matter is that no one other than us can occupy our thoughts or the feelings that are our heartbreak.

    The key to overcoming this type of isolation lies in two things: 1) changing how we identify with the quote and 2) understanding that we are not alone in being alone in those areas. Though we can relate to one another’s situations and suffering, the details, breadth, and depth of every person’s experience is equally similar, yet as unique as our fingerprint.

    2. We compare ourselves to others.

    At some time, every single one of us has compared ourselves to another in a way that shut us down. We say things like “I wish I had her body/ brains/charm/courage/way with words/people.” Comparison comes from one of two places: an inner drive to improve ourselves or some unspoken/unidentified need to discount our abilities.

    When we balance ourselves against others in a way that says we don’t measure up, we invite such feelings as jealousy, resentment, and anger. It’s hard to cover up these types of emotions when we’re trying to connect with those we envy.

    This is an area I struggle to regularly reign in. I am surrounded by people I respect and wish only the best. Sometimes, however, I find myself thinking things like, Maybe if I’d finished my college degree—she graduated while raising a family/working two jobs/insert your whatever—I’d be further along in achieving my goals.

    In other words: I’m not good/ fast/smart/motivated enough/insert your whatever.

    Whether we’re avoiding intimate interaction due to intimidation or we’re pushing others away because of our misguided feelings, we place ourselves outside the circle in which we’d like to be.

    In an attempt to regain our position, we often resort to other problematic behaviors like hiding our vulnerabilities. Covering up who we are further feeds our feelings of isolation because, fundamentally, we are social beings who need to relate to others.

    When we use contrast in a healthy manner (recognizing admirable qualities we want to emulate), we can be motivated and inspired to make life changes. Identifying the underlying emotion (jealousy versus admiration) empowers us to change our thinking and position ourselves back inside that social circle.

    3. We are our own worst critics.

    We all have that inner critic who lets us know when we’re on the wrong path, when we’ve messed up, or aren’t measuring up to the standards we set for ourselves, or those adopted from other’s expectations.

    Common self-deprecating talk often contradicts truth and what we’re hearing from the outside world.

    I’ll never get this right. I’m such a screw up. What is wrong with me?

    This inner critic also masks itself as a protective partner, one that encourages us to feel good about giving up, which adds to our confusion about where and how we fit in. Ah, it’s not that important, anyway is an expression that lulls us into a false sense of security and persuades us to abandon people and purpose. This type of maladaptive comfort is a breeding ground for the comparisons mentioned above, further isolating us from others.

    In her article, Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship?, Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. encourages us to confront the dominating critical inner voice “as a third-party threat.” She writes, “Make sure to identify it and separate it from your real point of view.”

    Firestone goes on to say that acknowledging our power and challenging our defense mechanisms allows us to work on the only thing we have any real control over: ourselves.

    A therapist once asked me if I would hold another person to the same standards and treatment I was employing on myself. Being mindful of how we view ourselves and making room for constructive criticism incites productive change. This sort of kind evaluation allows us to realize that we are, like everyone else, human.

    4. We are filled with emotions such as guilt, shame, or self-loathing.

    These types of feelings attack our very character, our thoughts, and our worthiness. Unresolved remorse over something we said, did, or didn’t do can manifest itself into a perpetual state of shame or low self-esteem, which can morph into hatred for oneself if left untreated.

    When we think badly about ourselves, we often assume others are viewing us the same way. The fear of being judged poorly by others often causes us to conceal our true self.

    We might hide our flaws, cover up our mistakes, and sometimes go so far as to blame others as a way of avoiding ownership. This creates a vicious cycle that creates more internal conflict, pushes people away, and further separates us from social circles.

    In her article Shame: A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion, Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. wrote, “Hiding often accompanies behaviors that are themselves a trigger for further shame, such as addictions, compulsive behaviors, harsh self-criticism, or self-denigration.”

    Lamia goes on to suggest that recovering from shame requires a different perspective, one where we accept responsibility for our actions and are willing to recognize certain triggers.

    There was a time in my life where I shoplifted bizarre items like tuna fish. Despite overwhelming shame and fear, I never understood what compelled me, until I finally opened up to my long-term counselor. After numerous questions, he informed me that sometimes people do destructive things to reinforce their beliefs about themselves.

    An active community member on all fronts, people regularly exclaimed how valuable, loving, helpful, and intelligent I was, a direct contradiction to my beliefs that I was unworthy, unlovable, lacking, and not smart enough. That’s why I stole: to prove to myself that I was flawed. When I recognized this disparity and understood my subconscious motivations, the desire disappeared.

    When we stop hiding, take responsibility for our actions, and start to recognize those things that illicit our destructive thoughts and behaviors, we can begin to break down the conflicts that create our lack of confidence. Self-belief allows us room to trust in others, which in turn, makes us feel less alone, and makes us more welcoming and welcomed.

    5. We are distracted.

    This, too, might seem basic, but distracted behavior is often a major cause of separation.

    Think about all those times you’ve tried to have a conversation with your partner, your children, or a friend who is constantly checking a cell phone for social media updates. The message we often read into such behavior is that our time isn’t respected, or that the phone call, text, or update is more important than we are.

    How many times have you been involved in a conversation where someone hears only part of what you say or constantly asks you to repeat yourself? We begin to feel like the other person doesn’t really care. If this type of exchange is habitual, we might find ourselves not wanting to hang out with that individual simply because we want meaningful relationships.

    Many factors could cause us to act this way: We could be avoiding something; we could be bored; or we could have some physiological or psychological condition that makes it difficult for us to focus. Either way, when we are disengaged, people often don’t feel wanted, needed, or important, and they will eventually quit calling and coming around.

    Paying attention to how we are interacting with others and watching for signs that indicate we aren’t engaged will help keep us plugged in to our own availability and help us initiate and maintain active, healthy relationships with others and with ourselves.

    Being aware of our actions, emotions, and thoughts helps us stay connected to others.

    It is the sum of our human experience that can create our loneliness, and it is the sum of our shared human experiences that can unite us with other members of the human race. In the end, as long as there are others to interact with, we are not alone. We simply have to realize this and choose to connect.

  • The Only Person You Should Compare Yourself To

    The Only Person You Should Compare Yourself To

    The only person you should compare yourself to

    Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

  • How to Stop Envying Other People’s Seemingly Perfect Lives

    How to Stop Envying Other People’s Seemingly Perfect Lives

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    It’s in our nature to compare ourselves with others. The ability to weigh one situation up against another helps us make decisions and live our lives productively.

    The downside is that when you constantly compare your own life with those of other people, you will always come up short.

    Over-comparing causes envy. Envy is the feeling or sensation we have when we want to get something that someone else has and we can’t be happy for them when they have it.

    Getting stuck in a cycle of envy is just about the best way to ruin your life. Fortunately, there are several ways to deal with envy that will guide you toward happiness and well-being.

    Don’t Compare Your Cutting Room Floor With Someone Else’s Highlight Reel

    Have you ever seen anybody post an unflattering photo on Facebook? Let’s face it, you rarely read about someone fighting with their spouse, hating their job, or declaring bankruptcy. Most people show you what they want you to see—a highly edited, glossed-up version of their life.

    The next time you feel envious about someone else’s life, remember that you’re only looking at part of the story, the part they want you to see.

    Think of something that another person has that you want. For example, maybe someone you know is far more popular than you. On the surface it may appear that they are surrounded with people who look up to them, and that they are well-liked and respected.

    But in reality people might have a different view of them behind closed doors. In this case, the actual reality and what we perceive as reality are two very different things.

    Even the most enviable lifestyle has downsides. For example, many people covet the glamour and glitz of the rich and famous. But have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of life a famous person has?

    Ask yourself if you’d enjoy someone jumping out of a bush and taking a snapshot of you in your grubby tracksuit pants while you’re collecting the newspaper from the front lawn.

    There are always two sides to every coin. What you think you see is not necessarily the reality. So the next time you get caught up in envy, always remember that unless you are that person you don’t really have the whole story.

    Isn’t It Already Here?

    I am by nature a private person, but I wasn’t always that way. In my twenties I was invited to every party, had scores of friends, and was (in my own mind, at least) funny, clever, and popular.

    As the years went by I became more introverted, and not too long ago I started beating myself up for not having many friends. Why wasn’t I popular like other people?

    One particular couple that my husband and I love catching up with came to mind. Whenever we wanted to see them, we had to literally book months in advance because they were so busy with other social commitments.

    Then I started to really ask myself, what is the essence of what I think popularity will bring me? The answer was simple: I wanted to feel a sense of connection and belonging.

    It was at that time I realized that the essence of what I wanted was already here. I have a loving husband, a great family, a couple of good friends who would do anything for me, and plenty of time to do what I want.

    I also realized that I would absolutely hate not having a moment to myself; being popular would probably make me pretty miserable.

    So the next time you feel as though you’re missing out on something that somebody else has, drill down into the essence of whatever you think that thing would give you and ask yourself, is it already here?

    Do You Really Want What They Have?

    If you really want to play the comparison game, remember that if you want someone else’s life you have to be willing to do a complete swap; that is, you would have to give up your life as it is and swap over to theirs.

    Here’s an exercise that will help you decide if you really want out of your situation and into someone else’s:

    When you’re ready, think of someone you know who has the kind of life that you envy. Then take a piece of paper and in the left hand column write the heading “What I have that they don’t have.”

    Then in the right hand column, write the heading “What they have that I want.” In this column you are going to make a list of all the things this person has that you want. Write down whatever comes to your mind. For example, do they have a lot of money, a nice house, nice clothes, or the perfect partner?

    When you’ve finished doing this, move to the left hand column. Write down everything that you value in your life. For example, family, friends, pets, and everyone who is important to you.

    One caveat: the other person may indeed have friends, family, and pets just like you. But in this case you’re not so much looking at what they have (i.e.: a dog, a child, a husband), but the unique relationship and connection you have with your pets and loved ones. So remember to write down the names of your family members, friends, and pets.

    Be as specific as you can. Get really clear and what you love about your life. It could be something as simple as being able to finish work early on Thursdays so you can go to the gym.

    Now its crunch time; you’ll probably find that the list on the left hand side is much bigger than the list on the right. So ask yourself, is there anything in this list you would be willing to give up in order to have the life that the other person has?

    What you’ll likely discover is that everything you have in your list is as valuable as or more valuable than the things that the other person has.

    Practice Gratitude

    One of the reasons we feel envy is that we often take the good things in our own lives for granted.

    The happier you are with your lot in life, the more good things will come to you. Happiness studies show that truly happy people are not necessarily wealthy, powerful, or famous.

    They have simply made a choice to be happy by paying attention to the good things around them. Since whatever you focus on will become the inclination of the mind, this makes perfect sense.

    Every night before I go to sleep I ask myself the following questions:

    • What do I take for granted in my life?
    • Who are the important people (or animals) in my life?
    • Who is in my corner?
    • What freedoms do I enjoy?
    • What advantages have I been given in life?

    This allows me to take stock of what is important and gives me a nice feeling of contentment before I drift off to sleep. Try it for yourself!

    —

    Our society has conditioned us to believe that your net worth equates to happiness. Accordingly many people strive to be more, do more, and have more.

    But none of those things actually cause any lasting happiness. They are all impermanent and subject to change. Most importantly, they represent other qualities of heart that can be achieved regardless of net worth.

    Ask yourself the question: “What really makes me happy?” Is it actually the money, possessions, or reputation? Or is it freedom, joy, peace, and serenity?

    Happiness is the ultimate currency, and there’s no law that says there isn’t enough of that to go around.

    Envy image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Ways to Deal With Envy So It Doesn’t Steal Your Happiness

    5 Ways to Deal With Envy So It Doesn’t Steal Your Happiness

    “Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people.” ~Unknown

    Throughout this year I’ve noticed myself feeling envious of other people. Particularly, I would feel envious of the famous people that I would see on television, read about in magazines, and follow on social media.

    I wouldn’t even be envious of them for the things one might expect. It wasn’t because they were famous or wealthy. It wasn’t because they had millions of followers on social media. And it wasn’t because they were good looking.

    Still, I would find myself feeling envious of an actress if she had a better personality than I did. I would feel bad about myself for not being as outgoing or bubbly or expressive. I would feel like I wasn’t as likeable for being quiet and an introvert.

    I would feel envious of another celebrity for her ability to live a fun and impulsive life. I would see the way someone else could take risks and not seem to worry about the future. This made me feel like I was too cautious, and that it would keep me from having an exciting life.

    I would feel envious of a musician for the level of success she achieved. This would be especially true if the singer was close to my age. I would feel as though I was wasting my life away, while other people my age already had careers.

    Whenever I felt this way, I always wanted to try to understand these feelings. Not only did I want to understand them, I wanted to make them go away.

    I didn’t want to feel envious of the people that I looked up to. I wanted to feel happy for them.

    So, I would think about the person that made me feel this way and I would try to figure out what specifically made me feel envious. I would try to list my own strengths. I would try to see that this person wasn’t so different from me.

    When that didn’t work, I would try to ignore the feelings. When that didn’t work, I just hoped these feelings would just fade over time. But I couldn’t seem to get the results I wanted.

    It became clear to me that I would have to learn to embrace my feelings instead. One thing I’ve come to realize is that you can’t really control how you feel. Feelings are not inherently bad. But you need to look within to understand what is causing them.

    By embracing my feelings, I realized that I would become envious of different people for similar reasons. I was envious of the person with a more outgoing personality because I wanted people to notice me.

    When I thought I was envious of someone’s success, I realized I was envious jealous of the friends she made along the way.

    Most of my envy came from a desire to make more friends and have more fun.

    On this path toward understanding envy, I remembered a time when I was younger when I would always get envious of my friends when they won trophies. I didn’t participate in sports, so there wasn’t any chance of me getting a trophy of my own.

    As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that trophies and awards don’t matter all that much. They can certainly help a person to feel good about his or her hard work. But what really matters is the journey.

    What matters is playing the sport, or playing the music, or performing in the plays, or solving the equations. What matters is growing and becoming better than you once were. What matters is doing something you love to do. The trophy is really just a symbol of the journey.

    If a person had a trophy, I would feel like she was better than me. I didn’t have one, so I would feel worthless. I didn’t realize that it represented something deeper. I didn’t understand the hard work or the journey.

    Now that I’m older, I realize that I don’t get envious of people who win trophies or awards anymore. Coming to this realization gave me hope. It made me realize that envy is something we can outgrow.

    Still, time is not the only remedy for unwanted envy.

    5 Tips For Overcoming Envy

    1. Look beyond the surface.

    If we feel envious of someone, we’re probably only seeing what’s on the surface.

    It might seem like a person has easily acquired success, love, and quite frankly, happiness, while we struggle to achieve any one of those things. However, it’s important to remember that life is a journey.

    If a person has success, there is a journey that led up to it. If a person has love, there is a journey that led up to it. These things don’t happen overnight. They take time. And you have to give yourself time to achieve them, too.

    2. Take some time to unplug.

    Social media makes it so easy for us to see the best parts of other people’s lives. It can make it seem like everyone else is happy and successful, while we are struggling to keep up.

    If you feel envious of someone, take some time to just focus on youtself. Do things that will make you happy, like taking a nice bath or drinking tea or going for a bike ride. Take some time to focus on things that make you feel good about yourself.

    3. Look within.

    If you are envious of someone, take some time to understand why specifically you are envious of him or her.

    Maybe you’re envious of the person’s career or appearance or abilities. Why do you feel envious of that particular thing? Maybe it would bring you happiness. Maybe it would give you independence. It could be that the thing you really want can be achieved in a variety of different ways.

    4. Know that your feelings do not make you a bad person.

    When I’m envious of someone it can be frustrating, because I usually just want to be happy for that person’s success. So then, not only do I feel envious, but I also feel guilty.

    We feel the things we do for a reason, and oftentimes we have to dig deep within to understand the true source of those feelings. Be patient with yourself.

    5. Know that you are valuable.

    If I feel envious of someone, it’s usually because I believe she is better than me. I’ll be envious of one aspect of that person’s life and think I am worthless because I don’t have that one thing.

    The truth is that we are all valuable. You may not have everything you want in your life right now, but that does not take away your worth. You don’t need to compare yourself to others because you are perfect the way you are.

  • The Key to Freedom: Minding Your Own Business

    The Key to Freedom: Minding Your Own Business

    Freedom

    “The day you stop racing is the day you win the race.” ~Bob Marley

    Let me take you back to the beginning of my day, how I used to do it.

    Flicking through my Facebook newsfeed, clicking on profiles, scrolling through comments, monitoring social interactions, checking how many likes my last post or profile picture got. Then I’m going to my therapist, to talk about how worthless my own life is, how inadequate I feel.

    I’m not saving the world, pursuing my passion, making friends, or traveling. Neither am I getting married or engaged nor having children—and I do not have a clue what the heck I even think about all of these prospects, whether I even want them.

    I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I hate my life and my own weakness for not taking control of this pathetic situation.

    The smiling faces on my social media page grin down at me like clown masks in some perturbed haunted house in a nightmare. I ask myself, why am I taking their happiness so personally?

    We can’t seem to escape comparison. We seem to be enmeshed in it, entangled in it, trapped and suffocated by it. We can’t seem to understand who we are or where we are in life without looking around us to compare our position.

    Somewhere inside us we believe that if we can gain all the information that we can through comparing ourselves to those ‘better than us,’ maybe we will find the key to that elusive happiness, which comes only from the confidence that we are good enough.

    If we keep on social media stalking those who are living the lives of our dreams, maybe we will pick up on that thing that makes them so different from us—so much ‘better.’

    I believe we aren’t after their lives so much as what we perceive is their ease. As much as the freedom they ooze, or the contentment they display, we want their happiness. We forget that most people only display the highlight reels of their lives on the Internet.

    In fact, I used to tell myself that we create ourselves, and I tried to make myself a collage of all the people that I admired—Beyoncé included.

    I told myself, that I didn’t have any preferences. I treated myself as a blank canvas, and by that I mean I slowly rubbed out anything that came from within, without reason or logic, and replaced it with everything I was attracted to externally, like a magpie.

    The noise I was letting in from outside was torturing. And deafening.

    When the toxic concoction of low self-esteem, ambition, insecurity, and unfavorable self-comparison escalates, you may get depressed, as I did.

    My former way of life (in combination with a complex range of other factors) made me ill. While everyone is different, I realized, for me, the key to recovering my mental health was to supplement professional help and therapy with a radical simplifying of my life.

    Today, I wake up in the morning and open my eyes, taking a good look around at where I am, noticing a kitten asleep at my feet. I talk with my sister who I share a room with; we both get dressed for work, joking and teasing the other on our rushed fashion choices.

    I look out of my open attic window and smell the fresh crisp air, watching the stillness of the tree-lined street against a backdrop of rolling green hills, before the storm of traffic and rush hour.

    I get changed and choose my clothes. I pick out a book for my short commute to a digital marketing agency where I work as copywriter. I walk to work lightly, observing my surroundings and feeling life flow through me, a dull vibration at every step.

    I sit on a seat on the public bus as children get on with their parents, gossiping and teasing amongst each other. My mind is still, and I feel strangely alone—but alone in my own company. I am with myself.

    I am whole. How curious. What changed? Very little, externally. I unplugged from the noise around me and started to mind my own business.

    It happened one day, quietly, and I found it made my thoughts less erratic, my mind less split and divided. I didn’t force myself to come off social media; I knew I was way too stubborn and addicted to do that. So I turned my attention, gently, not in distraction, to the present moment instead.

    I peeked out of the quicksand that is an obsession with comparison and self-deprecation, and asked myself out of curiosity, what’s going on in my own life?

    I looked around and thought: this is it. Your dreams haven’t come true yet, and your past is filled with soreness. But there is no escape from that which you consider to be a hellhole, this is your life.

    And you are living it.

    Then a curious thing happened. I allowed any pain to pass through me like water in my hands. I processed the beauty in the same way, and I felt a part of life. Like life itself, in fact.

    I realized that I wasn’t in a hellhole at all. Relentless clinging to my thoughts, obsessions, and desperate escapes from life—resistance—had made it so. And all I had to do to be free was let go.

    Don’t worry, minding your own business doesn’t mean ignoring everyone else’s existence. But it does mean you get to control how you give and what you give, so that it is conscious, not masochistic martyrdom.

    Rather than thinking, I should travel abroad and save all those poor unfortunate souls less privileged than I (which is escapist, and also patronizing, and also doesn’t tackle the issue at the root), I began to help my mother, my siblings, my friends and began to write and share work on poverty and mental illness, as these were my most immediate experiences.

    Everyone has a different path, of course, and this is only one route, which brought me peace.

    I decided to pay attention to my existence, seeing as it was the only thing I had, after all.

    And, I started to really see the things around me, like the dust on the corners of my floorboards, and the hundreds of books I’d bought and piled up in desperation for some kind of knowledge that might bring me certainty or security, thinking I should maybe arrange them in alphabetical order.

    I would barely acknowledge these tiny details of living when I was caught up in the whirlwind of my mind—and now they grounded me in a stillness that calmed me.

    I was able to let myself live and feel worthy of the miracle of existence, with all its highs and lows. Above all, I felt a gorgeous freedom, liberating, vast and expansive, allowing me to have fun with curiosity, gratitude, and peace.

    I told myself I would enjoy the days I had, as I passed through this world, just like everyone else was also passing through. By freeing myself every day, and indeed every moment, from the limits of comparison, competition, chasing, and clinging, I began to mind my own business.

    We can all experience this freedom. We just have to choose to see life through our own eyes, by being present in the only moment that matters: this one.

    Free, happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    Shame

    “Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.” ~Helen Keller

    It’s discouraging, isn’t it?

    Walking around every day feeling as if you’re never enough?

    Comparing yourself to others and continually coming up short?

    You feel as if you’re not smart enough, talented enough, organized enough, or disciplined enough. You’ve made mistakes, some small and some big but all of them embarrassing.

    Fortunately, you and I are gloriously human and perfectly imperfect. We falter and fly, fall and triumph, cry, laugh, forget, remember, hurt, heal, dream, and love. Our one-of-a-kind uniqueness is amazing, really.

    I couldn’t appreciate this earlier in life due to a childhood in which I was too skinny, too clumsy, too emotional, too shy, too sensitive, too everything.

    When I was in kindergarten, I wanted nothing more than to stay inside alone and draw at recess. You can probably imagine how that went over.

    The teacher called my mother and informed her that I needed to go outside and play with the other children because I would never develop my large motor muscles.

    I already knew how to swing on the monkey bars, and I craved some quiet time. At the tender age of five, I decided there was something horribly wrong with me because too much noise and chaos set my nerves on edge.

    My secret guilt and shame for being so flawed began to unravel when I became a mother. Three babies in four years taught me more about love than I could ever have imagined.

    I wanted to protect and cherish the tender senses of self in my care, so I began reading every self-help book I could get my hands on. The more I honored the perfection in my children, the more generosity of spirit I developed for myself.

    My journey inward included books about dreams, intuition, and spiritual development, and in time I realized that my sensitive and nurturing nature was actually my greatest gift and not a trait to be deeply ashamed of.

    I can talk about it now from a genuine place of self-acceptance, but the pilgrimage from there to here was far from easy.

    What I have learned so far.

    It’s not about you.

    Stop taking it all personally. In the journey toward self-acceptance, this is rule number one. How others see you is largely a projection and has little to do with you.

    A great example of this is any politician. She may be viewed as an inspirational hero or incompetent fool depending on the person describing her. Same person just being viewed through vastly different lenses.

    If you have ever been brave enough to play the game where you ask several people who know you to describe you with one word, you’ve already seen the diverse range of perceptions people have about you.

    How people perceive you is more a reflection of the lens they are peering through than it is about you.

    Once you truly embrace this concept, it will free you from the weight of other’s opinions or judgments. How you feel and what you know to be true of yourself is what matters.

    Perfect people are annoying.

    Don’t try to be one of them. Nearly everyone I know and those I have consulted with have something about their pasts or their personalities they are deeply ashamed of or embarrassed by. It may be a dysfunctional family, failed relationships, or financial difficulties.

    We all hide our secrets convinced that if others knew, they would criticize, or worse, disown us. Some of us spend inordinate amounts of emotional energy trying to hide our embarrassing flaws, carrying around deep shame and guilt over our perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

    Unfortunate choices, bad hair days, saying too much, saying too little, getting jealous, and losing things are all part of what makes you gloriously human. Your mishaps are what make you relatable and loveable.

    None of us want picture-perfect friends because, frankly, they’re intimidating. We crave genuine friends. Friends who lock their keys in the car, fall for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and tangle up their Christmas lights.

    Embrace your weird self.

    I find it fascinating that billions of people walk the Earth and no two are exactly alike. If you are human, let’s face it, you have a few loveable quirks.

    Bask in your strangeness and you’ll attract your tribe. When you stop pouring energy into being someone you’re not, you have more time and energy to be who you are.

    In honor of my kindergarten teacher, I now stay inside and draw whenever I don’t feel like playing outside. So there.

    Words can and do hurt you.

    “Don’t be silly. You can’t do it. You mess everything up.” Sound familiar? If it wasn’t a harsh parent or teacher wagging a disapproving finger, it might have been coming from your own head.

    Stop the madness.

    If you wouldn’t dream of uttering such things to your best friend or child, then for Heaven’s sake stop saying them to yourself. “Oops cancel that” halts my negative self-talk in its tracks and helps me laugh at myself rather than heaping on more shame.

    A miraculous shift occurred when I began extending compassion and patience toward myself. I noticed that others began to mirror my improved inner attitude. My harshest critics were nowhere in sight, and my new friends were oddly fond of solitude.

    Now just imagine it. You make a mistake at work, at home, or in a relationship. This time, instead of beating yourself up, you calmly tell yourself that you’ll know better and do better next time because mistakes are great teachers.

    Doesn’t that feel better?

    Imagine being able to laugh at your blunders and accept your peculiarities.

    Go ahead, right now.

    Toss the burden of worry, shame, and guilt off your back.

    Sit up straight, toss your hair back, and say, “I am enough.”

    Ashamed girl image via Shutterstock