Tiny Buddha

Tag: communication

  • The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    Listening

    “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    If I’m honest, I don’t think I listened to another person until I was in my thirties. I wasn’t really listening, not completely. It’s not that I’m super selfish or vain; I was just so busy doing the mental gymnastics that I thought I had to do to keep up in conversations that I missed what was actually being said to me.

    I grew up in a family where it felt like nearly everything that was said had another, unspoken meaning. I remember feeling really confused as a child, not sure why the things that were said to other people were so different from what I’d heard in private and why what was said was not always what ultimately happened.

    There was definitely an element of “do as I say and no as I do” in there, but it was more than that too. It was like there was a hint of secrecy underneath those conversations. Even though I couldn’t articulate it or understand it at the time, I certainly remember that I felt it, and that it had a big impact on me.

    I often felt like there was something else that wasn’t being said, and that if I could just figure out what that something was, all the pieces would fit together and everything would finally make sense.

    This created so much uncertainty for me: Why wasn’t I good enough and trustworthy enough to be told? Why did they think I wasn’t I strong enough to handle it? Why wasn’t I smart enough to figure this out?

    In the end, I never could make all those pieces fit, even after years and years of trying. Now, looking back on those experiences and those messages I got while I was growing up, I can see what happened instead was that I developed some very unhealthy habits and beliefs about people and the world.

    I learned to be hypersensitive to other people and their emotions, and perfectionism took over all areas of my life. I was just a kid, but I was trying so hard to read other people’s minds, interpret and analyze their words, and to prepare myself (mostly through endless worrying) for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

    Let’s skip a few of the messy middle bits where I failed miserably at perfectionism and mind reading (and I’m so grateful that I did!) Fast forward to me as a grown up, having kids of my own, to me loving them so fiercely and wanting to always be able to communicate with them, no matter what.

    So I did what anyone in my situation would do—I searched desperately for someone to tell me what to do; I googled, I read self-help books, and did coaching and counselling. All that helped bit by bit, but it wasn’t quite enough.

    It wasn’t quite the right fit for me and I needed to figure out a way to make it my own. Thankfully, kids start out as babies, so I had a bit of time to try out a bunch of different things and put my own unique spin on what I’d been learning about before my kids started having bigger, more complicated emotions and asking me Why? all the time.

    I’ve done all kinds of self-development work around mindfulness, forgiveness, and gratitude, which has given me a new appreciation for my family, for those skills I learned in childhood, and for my own sensitivity. After all, they’re part of what makes me really good at helping people and at being an amazing parent, wife, and friend.

    Even though I was able to change a lot of my old beliefs, the way I was communicating, and the way I was parenting my own kids, it still took me a really long time and a lot of practice to learn to trust that what people say is what they mean.

    It turns out that this practice is an actual practice. It’s called “literal listening,” which may sound all fancy, but it’s really quite simple and you don’t need anything special to do it—just another person who is talking and some patience.

    Basically, when you’re having a conversation, you focus on the actual words that the other person is saying and respond to them from a place of sincere belief that this is what they actually mean.

    Definitely try this out with your partner, if you have one, and your kids! It might feel a bit strange or difficult at first, but it’s a much simpler way of relating to other people and it’s totally worth putting in the effort to learn.

    Just listen. Listen to the words that are being said to you. And ask yourself, What is the literal meaning of these words? If I believed these words are true, how would I respond?

    The caveat: People don’t always know how they feel, what they need, or what to say. Sometimes, for any number of reasons, they choose to be extra careful or extra vague with their words. And sometimes, no matter how sincere your efforts at literal listening are, there are other unspoken things going on underneath their words.

    The truth is, listening and understanding will never be exact; language is messy and words are shaped by individual experiences. But it can get so much better, and this is the way!

    So, if you find yourself stuck, or if you’re having trouble following the other person’s literal meaning, just ask. Ask for clarification, ask for more information, or ask them to repeat what they’ve said. The other person will be so happy you cared enough to ask, and then you can practice your literal listening skills on whatever they say next.

    When I first started doing this with my husband and kids, I had to explain that I needed more concrete responses from them (it’s really hard to work with grunts, maybes, and I don’t knows!) and sometimes even ask them to explain things to me again, using different words.

    I also have a few things I started saying to them over and over: I trust that what you say is what you mean (because I really do!), I don’t know anything you don’t tell me (because I really don’t and guessing gets us nowhere!) and I’m not upset, I just need more information from you (because asking for an explanation can sometimes leave the other person feeling like you’re trying to start an argument).

    With practice, you’ll realize you no longer have to try to read between the lines, guess at the other person’s ulterior motives, or mind read. And that you can let go of trying to squeeze that one conversation or one sentence into the context of an entire relationship, let go of holding on to the past, and let go of all that judging, second guessing, and over analyzing.

    There’s an extra added bonus too: You’ll also start to notice that you trust yourself more, because you’ll learn to say what you actually mean too. You’ll start to communicate more clearly and confidently, and other people will notice (and probably thank you for not expecting them to read your mind like everyone else does!)

    Just think about how much time and mental energy you could save by using literal listening—not to mention how much more honest and trustworthy the other person will feel and how much more safe and certain you will feel.

    Let’s be real here, I’m not saying literal listening is going to fix every communication problem you’ve ever had and that you’ll never be upset or disappointed by someone else again. You are, after all, a human being talking to other human beings and we’re all beautifully complicated and sometimes changeable.

    What I’m saying is, we all have hundreds of little exchanges and conversations every day, so give literal listening a try. Try it today with the next person you talk to. You have nothing to lose, no one will ever know you’re doing it, and it will absolutely change your relationships for the better.

    Listening image via Shutterstock

  • Moving Beyond Passive-Aggression: Stop Repressing Your Feelings

    Moving Beyond Passive-Aggression: Stop Repressing Your Feelings

    Sad Girl

    “Don’t let the fear of what people might think stop you from speaking your mind. Speak up, you deserve to be heard.” ~Unknown

    I used to suffer from immense communication problems that manifested as passive-aggression. I had no idea how to get what I needed, and I often failed to express my desires.

    My maladaptive response was to remain positive at all times, while burying my feelings and casting them into the back of my mind. It wasn’t the greatest time in my life, but it served as a valuable lesson more than a decade later, when I cleared away the cobwebs of anger and reclaimed my true self.

    I frequently notice passive-aggression in people who are passionate about being positive. Have you ever met someone who seems to radiate with positivity and yet, upon closer inspection, you find out that they’re actually a walking ball of resentment?

    We’re all only human. A person who tries at all costs to maintain a facade of success and happiness is eventually going to have a bad day, and their shield will crack. Once they’re emotionally spent, the feelings that they’ve kept inside for so long will come to the surface.

    Ignoring feelings is never the solution. Accept them, investigate them, and then act.

    I’ve learned that passive-aggression is a form of subtle resistance—we feel that we can’t resist openly, so we use sarcasm, or we flake on people, or we put that little smiley face at the end of our snapchat message to disguise our anger. Other examples include procrastination and intentional inefficiency.

    At some point in your life you’ve probably been on the receiving end of sugarcoated, venomous attacks without even realizing it, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, you’ve probably tried to infect someone with your unconscious passive aggression.

    It’s not necessary. And it’s not healthy.

    Passive-aggressive behavior often has roots in childhood; it has to do with how much attention our parents gave to our desires.

    If your caretakers constantly rejected reasonable wants and needs, you likely felt like an inconvenience to them and learned to stop expressing your desires openly, so as to not create more tension in those relationships.

    Yet you still had wishes. If protesting became impossible, the only other way to resist was through lies and deceit—for example, by doing the complete opposite of what your parents requested, or doing it so badly that you may as well not have done it.

    When you grew up, you likely still maintained the belief that you could not simply outright express your wants and needs to your spouse, colleagues, boss, or anyone else in your life; that’s how it was for me.

    This inability to ask for what we really want is a heavy burden to bear.

    The coping strategy then becomes one of securing outside validation. If we can’t be assertive, then we have to beat around the bush to achieve the same result, and that’s why so many of us suffer from what I like to call people-pleasitis.

    The only way to get out of the mire of people-pleasitis is through acceptance and courage.

    You have permission to feel your feelings. Regardless of what you’re feeling, you’ll discover that nothing bad comes out of catching your emotions as they come. Once you train yourself to observe your emotions, you will see that they are simply feedback.

    You don’t have to inhibit them or judge them or block them. You don’t have to turn on the T.V. so you can distract yourself from what you’re feeling. Acceptance and courage are the keys.

    Accept your emotions. Love them. Embrace them.

    Courage is required to express your true self to other people. This is a choice you can make right now.

    Choose direct communication rather than indirect people-pleasing behavior. Choose to express your needs, wants, and feelings. You may lose some friends by doing this, because people have gotten used to the people-pleasing you. It’s worth it.

    I’ve changed so much simply by having the courage to communicate my needs and wants to the world. It’s scary—it really is—but what lies on the other side is more valuable than gold. You find yourself—and you find people who value and respect your thoughts, feelings, and wishes.

    For many people, this is a lifelong process. But learning to express yourself assertively is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and the world.

    Have you ever noticed how naturally authentic folks seem to attract so many people?

    They’re so comfortable with themselves that they also make you feel comfortable. And you know this because you will feel inexplicably good around them. They are not hiding anything from you, and they don’t produce any queasy feelings in your gut (the same feelings you get with passive-aggressive people).

    Behind passive-aggression lies a valley filled to the brim with anger and hostility. When this valley can no longer support all the pent-up negativity, it will come out in a furious outburst that will leave your friends and family dazed and confused. You see this all the time with people who suppress their feelings.

    Only by freeing yourself from these toxic emotions can you fully reach your potential as a human being.

    I was but a shadow of my true self when I was passive-aggressive, because I wasn’t being authentic with people.

    I unconsciously created distance between myself and others. By far the biggest area of improvement in my life has been relationships. I believe that you can’t reach your greatest potential without the support of people who truly, deeply know you, and I now have people like this in my life.

    If you’re engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, it’s time to have the courage to confront yourself, because what lies on the other side is infinite possibility.

    Sad girl illustration via Shutterstock

  • 1,501 Mindful Communication Tips (Interview & Giveaway: What Would Buddha Say?)

    1,501 Mindful Communication Tips (Interview & Giveaway: What Would Buddha Say?)

    Buddha with Sunset

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are Divya Rangi and Sand.

    Growing up in a loud Italian family, I learned early on to scream and speak fast if I wanted to be heard. Neither of these things is conducive to speaking mindfully. And doing these two things together, especially when angry or agitated, all but guarantees a stressful, ineffective conversation.

    I’ve had quite a few of those in my life. And more times than I care to admit I’ve hurt people with things I’ve said—to them or about them.

    I’ve offended people by speaking impulsively, I’ve damaged trust by venting to a third party instead of confronting someone directly, and I’ve insulted people to get a few laughs without really considering the impact of my sarcastic words.

    While I’ve made tremendous progress with these things, I know I still have room for improvement. If you do, as well, you may appreciate Barbara Ann Kipfer’s What Would Buddha Say?

    The book presents 1,501 mindful communication tips based on the Buddhist concept of Right Speech—speech that is useful and beneficial—including:

    It’s not just what you say—it’s how, when, and why you say it.

    Even though what you have to say is important, you can respect what others find important at the time.

    Listen with compassion, without judgment, and with an open mind.

    It’s essentially a massive list of reminders to help you give your full, thoughtful attention to your words so you’re more likely to communicate clearly and less likely to damage your relationships.

    At the back of the book, you’ll find a number of short essays that address issues related to Right Speech, including anger, criticism, and overthinking, along with several meditations.

    While you could read through the book from start to finish, I like to open to a random page in the morning and read one idea to carry into the day. (I recommend using the book this way, since there’s a lot of overlap with the teachings, and they don’t build on one another, but rather complement each other.)

    I’ve found that absorbing just a few words about watching my words helps me set the intention to speak mindfully, and that setting this intention is the key to kinder, clearer, more effective communication.

    I’m grateful that Barbara took the time to answer my questions about her book and Right Speech, and that she’s provided two free copies of What Would Buddha Say? for Tiny Buddha readers.

    What Would Buddha Say?The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of What Would Buddha Say?

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of What Would Buddha Say? http://bit.ly/1giwpOP

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, July 10th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book?

    I am an inveterate listmaker. I started my “things to be happy about” list in 1966, sixth grade. That became 14,000 things to be happy about, which has been in print for twenty-five years and has sold more than a million copies.

    I’ve been a lexicographer for nearly forty years and at one point I was compiling a kids’ encyclopedia. When I got to the subject of Buddhism and started reading about it, I was overjoyed that the Buddha loved lists, too, and he taught others by using lists.

    From there, I decided to learn as much as I could and earned a Master’s and PhD in Buddhist Studies. That knowledge has made it possible for me to write spiritually themed books like What Would Buddha Say?

    2. How can we improve our lives and relationships by practicing Right Speech?

    Here is what I think I should have put for the first entry: If you hear a human voice…listen! That person is probably talking to you! And I am not joking: the biggest improvements we can make in the area of Right Speech are to listen more and talk a lot less.

    Think about how you get yourself in trouble, how you usually get into conflicts with others, how unhappiness is often caused. The majority of the time, the cause is what you say. This book is offered to help readers learn to speak truthfully and with lovingkindness.

    3. What have been the biggest challenges for you personally when it comes to practicing Right Speech?

    Exactly the same as everybody else—which is why I was so keen on writing this book out of the eight parts of the Noble Eightfold Path.

    As a lexicographer and listmaker, I have been awash in the world of words all my life. As a Buddhist studies scholar, I read and read and read about Right Speech. Yet, I say something boneheaded just about every day! I need a book of reminders, so I wrote one.

    I have worked from home for thirty years, so my social skills are not honed like others’ and I’m also sometimes starved for social contact. So when I go to something where there are people, I sometimes overshare or voice my opinions too boldly. I have been practicing mindfulness so that I stop myself before launching into one of these “Barbara thinks” soliloquies.

    4. Oftentimes, we say things we don’t mean to say because we speak when we are angry. How can we work on this so we less frequently say things we regret?

    Before real anger occurs, there is a mental discomfort and an awareness that something is happening that you do not want. By being mindful and aware of that momentary gap before reacting takes over, you can make a controlled, graceful response. Learning how to return to the present moment with mindfulness is like a safety net when you are provoked by anger or hatred.

    5. What, have you found, is the best approach to responding when someone else speaks unkindly to us?

    If someone is expressing anger or unkind words toward you, watch your breath and keep it slow and steady. Pause for several seconds and wait. The person may sense that they are being unkind or angry and they may stop. If you react with hurt or anger, then you yourself destroy your own peace of mind.

    It is not that we should stand there and take it. Often, there are choices. If you do not react and the person continues a tirade, you can simply walk away. You can try to change the subject or even make a joke, but that is often not as effectual as walking away.

    In the pause, remember that you, too, have acted this way toward others—maybe even the very person who is now doing it to you.

    Some compassion may arise. And in the moment of compassion, you can remind yourself that the anger the other person is expressing may have little or nothing to do with you, but has formulated due to other things that person is having trouble handling.

    6. What is one thing we can do to start speaking more kindly to ourselves?

    The most important person to speak kindly and truthfully to is yourself, with inner speech. Negative inner talk only creates a negative inner emotional landscape. Show as much compassion to yourself as you would toward others and watch your life begin to change for the better.

    Part of the reason we are unkind to ourselves is because we overthink things we have done in the past or what we will say or do in the future. Practicing the art of staying in the present moment keeps you from heading off to the past or future, where you tend to berate or prepare yourself.

    Our world is full of competitiveness and comparison. We are faced with it constantly. The expectations we have for ourselves and others create unskillful thoughts, speech, and actions. By first being kind to yourself and giving yourself a break if you say or do something “wrong,” puts you on the path toward being kind to others and giving them a break.

    7. How can we apply the teachings of Right Speech to our online communication to create more intentional interactions and less hurtful ones?

    Whenever you are about to write or say something, ask yourself if the words will result in well-being or harm. If well-being, then say it. If harm, then do not say it.

    8. One piece of advice from your book that really stuck with me was, “Resist the urge to tell others what they need.” Can you elaborate a little on this, and why it’s crucial to Right Speech?

    We like to solve problems and make them go away. We have a great aversion to problems, big or small, ours or others’.

    If someone complains about their job, rather than listen, we may suggest that they quit and get another job. It’s not like the other person does not know that! Why do we feel the need to make such a statement? The reason is, we want things to always be nice, no suffering and no problems.

    We expend a lot of effort trying to control things, to avoid unpleasantness and grasp more pleasantness.

    It is best to listen to a friend, simply listen, without feeling duty-bound to solve the person’s problems for them. Accept not understanding or being in control as a liberation and a positive choice.

    9. In addition to the challenges of speaking kindly, many of us struggle with listening fully, especially since our lives—and minds—can get so busy. What’s one thing we can do to become better listeners?

    Listening is an art. We need to practice it more! It is optimal to listen with a still and concentrated mind. Then it is possible to be responsive to what is being said.

    The combination of a meditation practice and the practice of mindfulness in everyday life is what is needed to cultivate a still and concentrated mind. That mind is capable of the pause, the thoughtful response, the silence instead of yelling or being snippy.

    If you want others to listen and understand you better, think about what makes you want to listen. A person who speaks kindly about others and the world is someone you like to listen to. A person who talks about interesting things, things of interest to more than just themselves, is someone you like to listen to.

    10. What do you hope readers take away from What Would Buddha Say? and its emphasis on intentional communication?

    Remember that Right Speech is a practice. The more you practice, the more you will feel the difference between reacting blindly and responding—being aware of what you do.

    Practice is what makes the difference between a position held in principle and its day-to-day application. Whatever you practice, you get better at.

    The more often you get irritated, the better you get at irritation. The more often you speak kindly, the more often you will default to speaking kindly. If you want to go in a different direction, you need to work at it.

    You can learn more about What Would Buddha Say? on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Buddha and sunset image via Shutterstock

  • Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship

    Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship

    Couple Looking at Each Other

    “Communication works for those who work at it.” ~John Powell

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. He’s a great guy. We get along well, we complement each other, and we have a lot of fun when we’re together.

    Still, despite our mutual desire for a great relationship, we occasionally run into roadblocks, otherwise known as growth points.

    Recently we’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch while revisiting unresolved dramas. What enables us to handle these dramas well is our willingness to show up and communicate.

    Through our three years together, I’ve learned a few things about effective communication. If you’ve found it difficult to share your thoughts and feelings and work through issues in your relationship, this may help.

    1. Schedule a time to talk.

    This is most important when it comes to discussing the heavier subject matter of your relationship.

    Even though I know this and I follow this rule regularly, an impulsive side of me failed to abide by this rule in one of my most recent discussions with my boyfriend. And I paid the price.

    We were lying in bed one night and the topic of concern came up. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt like I just had to say something. I decided to open the can of worms right then and there. He did not like that.

    He felt ambushed, which is understandable, right? I didn’t give him the opportunity to prepare. He had no idea what was coming!

    He got angry. He closed down. And, in turn, I didn’t feel heard and thought he didn’t care about my feelings.

    In reality, I didn’t do what I know is best to do: schedule a time to have a conversation. So, even though I let myself get upset and hurt about it, it was my responsibility to broach the conversation from a different angle. I had to let go of my hurt feelings and honestly examine where I dropped the ball.

    If I had scheduled a time to talk, then he would have been more willing to communicate with me. Honoring other people and their feelings allows both parties to fully show up, be heard, and hash things out collaboratively.

    2. Know your desires and intentions.

    Returning to the same scenario as above: I eventually decided to ask him for an appropriate time to talk. We agreed on dinnertime the next night.

    As we sat down and the conversation opened up, I decided to share with him my intention and desire for the conversation, beyond the topic for discussion.

    My true intention was to have open, clear, loving, positive, and collaborative communication with him. It’s important for me to be in a relationship in which conscious communication is the mainframe.

    I used the analogy that if either of us were unhappy about something and the other person or both of us were unwilling to communicate about it, then that would be like sticking a thorn in our relationship and choosing to allow it to deteriorate. It’s sweeping matters under the rug instead of dealing with them straight on.

    By sharing this, he immediately opened up because he knew where I was coming from and that my intention was positive and for the good of our relationship. He could relate to that because he desires and intends the same thing.

    3. Be prepared to lead the conversation.

    If you plan a time to talk with your partner about an issue in your relationship, be prepared to lead the way.

    My boyfriend and I have had several deep conversations over the last few months. So, at this point, I knew it was best for me to be prepared.

    In the past, when I failed to gather my thoughts in advance, I fumbled over my words and wasn’t quite sure what to say. I knew what the topic of conversation was, but I failed to produce anything productive, at least, not right off the bat.

    And finally…

    4. Take responsibility for, honor, and share your feelings.

    It wasn’t until I started sharing my feelings, without blaming (i.e. “I feel angry…”), that I started to feel heard and the conversation felt worthwhile.

    If I had continued to hide how I felt and just talked about how to solve the problem, then I would have continued to feel like something was wrong. And when that occurs, the first thing that comes to mind is that this communication thing just doesn’t work. I eventually want to withdraw.

    Facilitating communication with another goes both ways. I had to learn what works to open me up, as well as what will allow him to feel safe to open up as well.

    —

    Communication is crucial for healthy relationships. We develop intimacy as we learn to navigate each other’s rocky inner terrain, continually allowing the other to feel deeply loved and safer in our presence.

    Following these simple and practical steps can make communication much easier—and much more effective.

    Couple looking at each other image via Shutterstock

  • What Happens When We Don’t Say What We Think and Feel

    What Happens When We Don’t Say What We Think and Feel

    Talking

    “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~George Bernard Shaw

    Can we just talk?

    Those words can be a buzzkill on dates, and yet talking is the most profound interaction we will ever have with another human being.

    A while back, my husband walked into the kitchen where I was reading an article on my phone and asked me if I had a chance to get a Father’s Day card for his dad (who lives in Canada). I said no I didn’t, and, since it was eight in the evening, I’d get it tomorrow.

    He put on his shoes, got the keys, and said, “I’m just going to get it,” then slammed the door.

    Now, this seems like an appropriate conversation; however, what I can’t relate through the computer is the tone of it. You know, that tone where you know there’s more to it then what was just uttered. Plus, the door slam was like a slap in the face.

    Immediately, my mind started accumulating thoughts about how I had messed up. How I place more emphasis on my own family, and he must feel I don’t do enough for his. I was spiraling into negativity and, within minutes, I was in that dark place of “I’m not good enough.”

    Usually I sit with this for hours and days; however, tonight, I couldn’t take it, and what I needed to say was busting through. We talked as soon as I took a few breaths and re-centered myself.

    I asked him if he was upset. He responded no, but he felt the need to go get the card that instant. I brought up slamming the door, and that it made me feel like there was more to the story.

    He agreed that he was upset because I didn’t look up from my phone to answer the question. AHHH relief! He just wanted my full attention during a conversation. He doesn’t think I’m the daughter-in-law or wife from hell.

    Me: Why didn’t you just ask me?

    Him: I feel like you should’ve known.

    Me: I’m not a mind reader and you aren’t a kid. Tell me what you need.

    There are so many miscommunications like this between us, like the time when our outside bar fell over in the wind and the glass top broke. He came outside and I said, “Oh it’s broken,” and he said, “Tell me the truth. What happened? Did you break it?”

    I was horrified. Where’s the innocent until proven guilty? I felt disrespected and like a liar. After talking about it I realized this happened because our past communication had been like this. Out of fear, I may have told a white lie or left out details.

    I further re-centered to realize that I had allowed us to talk this way to each other most of the time. I would get upset and then let it go. I didn’t state what I really thought or felt; not only did this not allow us to grow, but this allowed him to think everything was okay.

    I finally found the courage to state my boundary for communication in our marriage, starting with: can we talk.

    I would need more openness in our conversations. More direct communication about what you really mean to say rather than expecting that I “should just know.”

    I would need you to just say, “Hey, can your put down your phone so I can ask you a question?” Even simply saying, “I’m not sure what to say right now” is better than the silence, the hesitation, the pause, which gives my ego a meaning, a reason to put me down and spiral me into that dark corner.

    If you are telling me exactly what you need from me, and I from you, there is no interference, no misinformation, no blame, shame, or guilt in either one of us.

    This simple interaction of just talking completely transformed the communication in our marriage. It also gave me the power and strength to express what I will and won’t stand for in our marriage, or in any relationship in my life.

    Simply by talking. The energy around us becomes light, and we are able to accept the love that is between us. In honoring our words and our voice, we stand for the greatest human characteristic we have.

    Other animals mate, cuddle, and kiss, but talking, that’s only a human trait, and it’s the key to all human interaction, since it’s the only way anyone can know what we’re thinking and feeling.

    So talk, be vulnerable, say exactly what’s on your mind. Truth is, the other person may be thinking the same thing, and you could be the link that reopens communication and makes them feel human again. So let’s just talk…

     Couple talking image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Simple but Often Forgotten Ways to Keep a Relationship Strong

    5 Simple but Often Forgotten Ways to Keep a Relationship Strong

    Couple

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

    Out of our six loving years together, my partner and I spent two and a half years in a long-distance relationship. During these years there were times we communicated nearly daily, but there were also times when we couldn’t even email or text for a month at a time while I was living in an African village.

    Being separated by an ocean from the person that is the most important to me was of course difficult and painful, but I believe it also made our relationship stronger.

    We have learned some invaluable lessons about love and relationships from being separated by the distance. These lessons are still crucial in our relationship and allow us to maintain our love, happiness, and harmony.

    After the long-distance part of our relationship, we moved in together. We lived a “normal couple-life,” spending daytime apart, eating dinner together, unwinding with a movie while cuddling, and spending our weekends together.

    Then we set off to travel. For over a year, we volunteered on organic farms, hitchhiked, couchsurfed, and traveled together.

    During this year we spend nearly every hour of every day together, or at least near each other. Talk about making up for the long-distance time. Yet, we still employed what we learned during our years apart.

    I truly believe that we learned and practiced the universal truths that are essential for every relationship regardless of the distance.

    Trust

    When I was apart from my boyfriend people didn’t understand how I remained so calm and never worried that he would cheat on me or leave me. How I did it was so simple: I always trusted him. We would have never made it without our trust for each other and for our relationship.

    Trust is crucial. Period. No ifs or buts.

    If you are in the relationship for the long term, you simply cannot afford to have trust issues. There is no room for doubt. You have to trust with a full heart that your partner loves you.

    Quality time

    As I mentioned before, during our long-distance years weeks passed by without us being able to talk to each other. We had to have quality conversations rather than only chit chatting about meaningless things.

    We even added fun and meaningful activities, like carving Halloween pumpkins or having a meal together through the Internet.

    Quality time is essential. Whether you are in a long-distance relationship or just live a busy life with full-time jobs and outside activities, you may not be able to spend as much time as you’d like with your loved one.

    Do something fun together, do something meaningful, have meaningful conversations, pay attention to each other, and express your love like crazy.

    Communication

    Communication is always crucial, especially when you communicate through Skype. We quickly realized that the way we communicated with each other was key to maintain a loving conversation.

    When you communicate with your loved one, remember that love is the key. Speak from the heart.

    Have good intentions and be clear. Discuss problems in a peaceful and loving manner.

    Practice effective active listening skills; do not interrupt the other person, listen and watch. Be mindful.

    Remain calm. Be respectful. Be loving.

    Small acts of kindness

    Small acts of kindness have always been a big part of our relationship. When we were apart we sent each other postcards, eCards, handwritten letters, and songs over email. When we were in the same country we bought each other flowers and made each other some wonderful meals.

    Small acts are vital. Whether it is a small gift, doing the dishes, or giving a hug, it shows your love and support.

    Send flowers, send an ecard, or leave a small note on the table. Bake cookies or make breakfast in bed. Give hugs and kisses for no reason other than to show your love.

    Express Your Love

    Expressing our love for each other was probably the most crucial thing in our relationship. It still is. We always make sure to tell each other how much we love each other, and do it with meaning.

    Love is always the foundation. It’s nearly obvious, but sometimes so obvious that couples tend to forget about it, and saying “I love you” becomes monotonous. But love is the basis and the reason of your relationship.

    So express your love through actions, words, and non-verbal communication. Don’t make “I love you” a routine, but instead always, and I do mean always, say it from the heart.

    Photo by Helene Valvatae An Das

  • How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    Friends Pulled Apart

    “Would you rather be right or free?” ~Byron Katie

    Do you have the freedom to say what you really feel? Do you share your true thoughts and ideas, or do you struggle to avoid hurting, disappointing, or angering others?

    It can be easier to try to meet others’ expectations and avoid conflict. We may even believe we are making someone happy by not speaking our truth. What’s the cost? Slowly giving up fragments of who we genuinely are: our authentic self.

    There was a time when right and wrong worked for me. I had stability, harmony, and a practical path for pursuing a career in accounting, marrying a wonderful man, and raising three beautiful children.

    I didn’t realize I was following expectations of what I thought should make me happy based on what I learned and believed to be true. I was living on the surface, stuck in the paradigm of right and wrong. Though I was happy, something was missing.

    Until I ventured within and followed my real passion (psychology, writing, and seeking spiritual truth), I couldn’t see that I’d been living in the framework of family norms and social conditioning, not knowing how to listen to myself.

    I grew up shy, fearful of having the wrong answer, one that didn’t fit into what others told me I should be, do, know, and think.  

    The social mask forms the moment we’re born and we hear our first words. We learn to please, meet expectations, and avoid sharing our feelings, which can turn into a lifelong struggle to be good enough, know enough, and have enough.

    We long to be seen and heard for who we are unconditionally, but we find ourselves on the path of conditional love, seeking the approval and appreciation from others that we eventually discover must come from within.

    When I began sharing my ideas, it went against expectations of “right and wrong,” and I faced criticism and judgment. I was finally following my own values and the things that excited me.

    I’d eagerly share with my family, not realizing how far “out of the box” I’d gone, and was met with silence, or criticism behind my back.  

    As I stepped into my beliefs, I encountered defensiveness and attempts to prove I was wrong. Conflict for the first time! Both of us were living in our ego’s fear, needing to be right in a space of  “how could you think that?”

    Then a twenty-year friendship ended abruptly when I wasn’t following her “right” way of business ethics.

    As university friends, we had both become coaches, leaving behind our corporate careers, and suddenly I was a competitor instead of a friend.

    She felt the need to control the way I did business. Sadly, it turned out to be more important than our friendship.

    Soon after, I faced blaming, false assumptions, and horrific judgments from a friend of over a decade. I no longer followed her “right way,” which culminated in a six-page letter about why I was wrong, and who I should be—otherwise this friendship wasn’t working for her!

    I was shocked, and felt enormous hurt, disbelief, and some things I didn’t expect: anger, hatred, and resentment.

    I hadn’t felt this intensity of negative emotions toward anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t forgive because I’d become attached to my way needing to “be right” for her. 

    At the same time I’d developed a strong inner trust, validated by the most fulfilling life experiences in all areas of my life. Suddenly, I could see that who was right and wrong didn’t matter.

    I was judging her for judging me!

    I was also trying to correct her in an effort to fix her, convincing her of my beliefs, needing to control, or trying to change her to make me happy.

    It often happens with those close to us who are now hurting us with their “disregard, disobedience, or disrespect” for not following our right way.

    I now held the energy of criticism (finding fault, complaining), and judgment (blaming, resentment, punishment). While I trusted what was right for my well-being, I needed to let go of it being right for someone else.

    Doing this does not mean we accept or absolve responsibility for all manner of words and behavior. It just means that we stop blaming and judging someone else and consider that they’re doing their best from their own state of consciousness.

    The constructive or destructive choices they make form their learning and experiences, and can only be 100% their responsibility.

    We may have the best of intentions with our criticism and judgment, and we might find ways to punish, yell, impose, demand, and justify them as the “right way,” but love does not condemn.

    When we’re coming from a place of love, we share, teach, and role model in a space of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.

    How do you communicate authentically from a judgment-free space so others will stay open to your thoughts? It may help to use these phrases:

    • I notice that…
    • Are you willing to…
    • I’m curious about…
    • Here’s how I’m feeling, what are you feeling?
    • Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this?
    • Here’s what I desire for our relationship…what do you want?
    • Are you willing to listen to my point of view, even if it may not be the same as yours?
    • I’m feeling disappointed or not okay with….because what’s important to me is…
    • I think/believe that…what do you think/believe?
    • What exactly did you mean by…
    • I just want to understand where you’re coming from, can you say more about…?

    You may want to avoid certain phrases that come across as criticism and judgment, as they may cause defensiveness and affect other’s ability to be authentic with you:

    • You should…
    • You never….
    • You always…
    • Why can’t you get that….
    • What’s wrong with you?
    • Why or how can you not see that…
    • I’m so disappointed that you…
    • How could you…?
    • I can’t believe you…
    • You are so…

    I’ve learned that, at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone’s ego (blaming, complaining, condemning), even if I share from a genuine place of love.

    We have no control over where someone chooses to live on the spectrum of fear versus love, and must discern whether there’s space to share—and what’s better left unsaid, so we don’t step on other people’s spiritual path.

    Sometimes we may simply need to wish others well on their journey, creating a new space for both sides to reflect on what truly matters. This is also a loving choice.

    And when you love without judgment, you won’t need to be right because you’ll be free.

    “Out beyond ideas of right 
and wrong there is a field.
I will meet you there.” ~Rumi

    Photo by Elvert Barnes

  • 4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships

    4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships

    “Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown

    People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.

    I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.

    This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.

    I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.

    So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.

    The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.

    We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.

    However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.

    What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment? (more…)

  • How to Overcome Passive Aggression: Meet Your Needs by Communicating Clearly

    How to Overcome Passive Aggression: Meet Your Needs by Communicating Clearly

    A couple of weeks ago, while reading a post on a different personal development site, I found a comment from a reader who seemed to question the blogger’s intentions and integrity, as it pertains to how he does business.

    This reader was direct. She didn’t beat around the bush; she came right out and communicated how she felt. For this reason, and because the comment was based in assumptions, it read as somewhat harsh and judgmental.

    Another reader responded to that comment, starting with something along the lines of, “Wow, now isn’t this a wonderful learning opportunity for both of you!”

    In other words, this experience (of the reader offering a critical comment) provided room for the both the blogger and the reader to learn something.

    However, this reader then went on to defend the blogger with wording that seemed passive-aggressive.

    While she first wrote that it was a learning opportunity for both people, her comment then read like a list of reasons the first reader was completely out of line, albeit phrased with words that seemed positive and constructive.

    I realized that I recognized passive-aggression because it’s something I’ve experienced before—on both sides of the table.

    In our attempts to be “positive people,” we might feel a need to stifle our anger and avoid directly confronting people, as if critical thinking is always negative.

    But sometimes we may want to address something that’s bothered us, whether it’s something that pertains to us or someone else we care about.

    It’s only by having the courage to speak up, respectfully, that we can all help each other learn.

    Speaking up respectfully isn’t the same as phrasing everything positively.

    Speaking up respectfully requires us to be clear and direct with our intentions and message, and to accept the consequences of offering it—meaning, understanding that we can only control what we say, not how it is received.

    You’ve probably been on the giving and receiving end of passive-aggression at least once or twice.

    It’s the note your roommate leaves that reads, “I know you probably meant to do the dishes! Don’t worry—I’ll do them tonight, even though it’s not my turn!”

    It’s the fifth time your boyfriend “forgets” to wash your white clothes separately, and the argument he later makes for why he’s just not good at laundry.

    It’s your wife’s inexplicable hostility, when underneath that is something she wants you to do but without having to nag you to do it.

    (Or it’s your note, “mistake,” or antagonism.)

    It’s anger, suppressed and expressed indirectly—and it’s both ineffective and confusing.

    Someone can only meet our needs when they understand them, and someone can only recognize the potential impact of their actions if we’re brave enough to call their attention to it.

    When I first started trying to become more positive, I quickly squelched all critical thoughts, labeling them as “bad.” Ironically, I did this because I thought it was bad to be critical of other people—and in making that judgment, I set myself up to frequently judge myself.

    What I didn’t realize is that I needed to be more discerning between critical thoughts with some constructive intention and critical thoughts that came from my ego.

    The critical thoughts with a constructive intention served a valid purpose, whether it was to help me maintain my boundaries, communicate my needs, or honor my values.

    The critical thoughts that came from my ego usually had to do with fear, wanting to make someone else wrong to feel superior, or even projecting onto someone else the character traits I wished I didn’t have.

    The first type of critical thought is crucial, since it’s a prerequisite to taking care of ourselves. And sometimes, it may also pertain to taking care of people we love, by speaking up when we see someone mistreating them.

    So how do we recognize and avoid passive-aggressive behavior?

    The first step is to accept that you have a right to feel angry.

    You can still be a positive person and feel emotions we typically label as “negative.” And you can be a loving friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mother, father, son, or daughter while feeling anger in response to something the other person has done.

    Trying not to feel angry doesn’t make anger go away; if anything, it makes it more powerful.

    The next step is to foster self-awareness about what it is you need, or want to express.

    If you don’t realize why you’re angry, it will be impossible to communicate it to someone else.

    When you’re feeling something that confuses you, step back and take the time to ascertain the deepest root problem.

    Are you really angry about a comment someone made, or does it have to do with something you assume that comment means—for example, that your friend doesn’t respect you?

    Are you really upset over one thing someone failed to do, or is it about a pattern of behavior that you think means something—for example, that your significant other doesn’t take your needs seriously?

    Ascertain exactly what’s bothering you, not just on the surface but also underneath the event itself.

    Of course, it could be just the surface level behavior—someone didn’t do what you expected that person to do, and that upset you. (It’s worth noting, once again, that other people can only meet expectations if we express them clearly.)

    Once you know why you’re angry, ask yourself: Do I have a constructive intention in expressing these feelings, or is this coming from my ego?

    The last step is to have the courage to be clear.

    This isn’t always easy, especially if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me. Owning your opinion or directly expressing your needs opens you up to a potential confrontation. But confrontation isn’t always a bad thing.

    It doesn’t have to imply an argument or an attack. Confrontation can be direct and respectful—and even when it’s not couched with words that imply positivity.

    It’s perfectly valid to say, “When you don’t return my calls for days, I sometimes assume that means you don’t see me as a priority.”

    That’s a lot clearer than responding to a text with, “Wow, you’re alive! I thought something might have happened to you. Just kidding. I know you have a lot on your plate.” While this might seem more positive and understanding, it doesn’t communicate your feelings. And communicating your feelings is integral to addressing them.

    This is something I’ve been working on for a long time, and admittedly, I still struggle. When you’ve spent years being passive-aggressive, it can feel like a knee-jerk reaction.

    But I know one thing for sure: Every time I am clear and respectful about what I feel, I feel proud of myself for having the courage to own that. And every time I resolve an issue that might grow if left unaddressed, my relationships feel stronger.

    The woman who left that comment on the post, I know she’s a lot like me—and all of us, I imagine. We all feel strongly when we believe someone is attacking or judging us, or someone we care about.

    For me, that was the learning experience—the reminder that we’re allowed to feel what we feel, and we’re most effective when we communicate it clearly.

  • Conflicts with Friends: 13 Ways to Communicate Without Drama

    Conflicts with Friends: 13 Ways to Communicate Without Drama

    “Treat your friends like you do your best pictures; place them in the best light.” ~Unknown

    I recently had a disagreement with a close friend.

    There was a good deal of uncontrolled emotion on my side. I wasn’t expressing myself well and I knew it. I became more and more frustrated and less effective at explaining my feelings.

    I found myself laying unwarranted blame on my friend rather than admitting openly that something was hurting me and I was feeling vulnerable.

    Ultimately, he said the words I was having trouble finding for me, and that resolved the situation.

    I was embarrassed and grateful, but I realized I needed to evaluate a few of my shortcomings to avoid making the same mistake again.

    I also realized that what I was feeling wasn’t the problem.

    It was my inability to effectively convey what was in my heart and on my mind that led to hurt feelings and further misunderstanding. (more…)

  • Authentic Communication: 3 Tips for Receiving in Conversations

    Authentic Communication: 3 Tips for Receiving in Conversations

    “As for the future, your task is not to foresee it but to enable it.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

    Have you ever heard the expression everyone loves a cheerful giver? While there’s a great deal of truth in the philosophy of offering without hopes attached, what about the flip side?

    Sometimes we become so focused on providing antidotes or anticipating what we perceive to be the other person’s needs that we steamroll a conversation, taking center stage in our interactions.

    In my own day-to-day life, pauses and hesitations in conversation used to make me uncomfortable or even anxious. I would rush to fill the space with chit chat that meant little, or offer to help that person with a favor—not so much to experience the joy of giving another person a break but to alleviate the unease inside me.

    Coming from a place of fear, I frequently dampened the point of the conversation with my desires to keep the talk flowing and elicit the behavior I wanted from others.

    As a one-time people pleaser, I knew that there had to be a more peaceful way to connect, and on a deeper level, with those around me.

    After I turned thirty, I began to step back and actually give other people room to express their opinions and thoughts—even if it meant several seconds of complete silence, something that previously would have seemed impossible to me.

    I found myself breathing more slowly and relaxing more into the moment. I started to feel the same happening to others I interacted with. (more…)