Tiny Buddha

Tag: communicate

  • If You’re in a Painful Relationship and Considering Estrangement…

    If You’re in a Painful Relationship and Considering Estrangement…

    “I understand the life around me better, not from love, which everyone acknowledges to be a great teacher, but from estrangement, to which nobody has attributed the power of reinforcing insight.” ~Nirad C. Chaudhuri

    I was brought up to understand that family is family.  So I have naturally given great weight to the importance of family bonds. However, what happens when a familial bond breaks? Do you commit yourself to holding on despite the cost, or do you acknowledge the damage and take the necessary steps to sever the tie?

    Personally, I sit somewhere in the middle. Any important relationship deserves an extended amount of effort, patience, understanding, and forgiveness in rebuilding. However, you can only do so much, and there comes a point when it could be in everyone’s best interests to walk away.

    I speak from personal experience. I’ve been estranged twice in my lifetime. Once from my father, which was my choice, and the other time from my sibling, who ultimately made the decision to walk away; I guess I just dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s on it.

    Let me be clear, neither estrangement was a wonderful experience. The process of severing ties is heartbreaking, regardless of the situation that led to the estrangement. It hurts when you feel you’ve been rejected, and it hurts when you know you’re rejecting someone.

    But when it’s the right decision for you, and once the hurt abates somewhat, there is a sense of relief. Although you may never feel happy about it, you’ll feel happier overall for the steps you took in protecting yourself and your well-being.

    As with all life events there is opportunity to learn and reflect…

    In hindsight, there are certain actions I should have taken before the relationships ended, especially when it came to my sibling. Perhaps taking these actions could have prevented the outcome? Who knows? Regardless, these behaviors would certainly have helped me heal quicker even if the end was inevitable.

    If you find yourself struggling in a relationship with a family member—or any type of relationship for that matter—these five suggested actions can help.

    1. Be yourself.

    This is what I kick myself the most about when I think about my estrangement from my sibling. I was never myself. I was always trying to impress them and seek their approval.

    You see, my sibling was a lot older than me; by the time I was two they had already left home. Visits were few and far between, and when my sibling married, there were tensions between my family and their spouse.

    Everything had to be done to keep them happy. We had to tread on eggshells around them to maintain the relationship, and that stuck with me well into adulthood. I believed If I stepped out of line then the relationship would end. So I said what I thought they wanted to hear and acted in the way I felt I needed to act.

    This led to a lot of resentment on my part. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt fully accepted.

    As I saw this would soon impact my own children, I knew things had to change.

    I stopped kowtowing, and within a year they had broken away, communication basically stopped. The hardest thing was knowing that all those years I had presented an unauthentic version of me. I felt I had let myself down. What might have happened if I had just been myself?

    It can be challenging to be yourself when it’s a family member you want to please, but you can’t let the labels they place on you define you. Be who you really are. Yes, you might be rejected, but being someone you’re not is exhausting and likely to lead to more unhappiness. You’re the one who has to live with yourself after all—it’s better to love the person you are!

    If I had my time again, I would just be me, and I encourage everyone to adopt this approach too.

    2. Communicate.

    Relationships all too easily break down when there is a lack of communication. Good communication builds your connection, helps you deal with potential issues early, and allows both parties to have their needs met.

    Too often, we end up shouting, judging, criticizing, or not communicating at all. This isn’t a recipe for a healthy relationship.

    In his book Non-violent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg sets out a framework he created which allows people to express their needs and make requests without any negative behaviors. Using this method can make it easier to ask for what you want, and it also gives you a better chance of actually getting it. It’s a technique I wish I had known a lot earlier, but one that I use now to great effect.

    It’s a four-step process:

    Convert judgements to observations.

    So rather than saying, “You never listen to me” (quite an emotionally charged statement), you would say, “I see you checking your phone when I try to talk to you,” which is more factual and less likely to trigger a defensive response.

    Say how you feel.

    Express how you’re feeling without blame or judgment. Instead of saying, “I really needed you and you weren’t there,” express your feelings like this: “I was feeling really alone.” This is a powerful way of expressing ourselves and taking ownership of our feelings.

    State your needs as they relate to you and your values.

    So rather than saying, “You need to change how you treat me,” you would say, “I have a need to be respected as a human being.”

    Ask for what you want.

    Start with “Would you be willing/like to…?” For example, “Would you be willing to put your phone down when we have a conversation?” Framing your request in this way gives the other person the freedom to say no, meaning they don’t feel forced or pressured and in turn more likely to say yes.

    Here’s an example of the four-step process all put together:

    “I see you checking your phone when I try to talk to you. I feel frustrated. I value being listened to. Would you be willing to put down your phone when we have a conversation?”

    3. Stand strong (even when you’re scared).

    As a recovering people-pleaser, I used to shy away from standing up for myself. I would choose to agree rather than confront. Life was more peaceful when I just smiled and nodded. But this is not a healthy strategy.

    With my father, I needed him to acknowledge and take responsibility for his actions. With each attempt to broach the subject of his behavior toward my mother and me, there would be denial, false accusations, and even aggression. Fear would make me back down.

    But you have to stand strong, even when you’re scared. If an issue is important to you, don’t allow for it to be brushed under the carpet to fester. Facing issues head on allows you the opportunity to resolve them. It provides you (and them) with clear boundaries and makes repeat behaviors less likely.

    4. Accept your part.

    Nobody is perfect. Relationships are two-person territory. It would be so easy for me to look back and put everything on my sibling or on my father, but that would be inaccurate. I have to accept my share of accountability too. We all do.

    I should have spoken up. I should have acted differently in certain circumstances. I should have been honest about how I was feeling. People aren’t mind readers after all. This isn’t about accepting all of the blame; it’s just about acknowledging your part. It helps you grow as a person.

    5. Forgive and let go.

    Firstly, you need to forgive yourself. You’re a human being after all, we all make mistakes. Show yourself the same compassion you readily show to others.

    Secondly, when you’ve had time (which may include therapy) and feel capable, start to forgive the person, even if you’re now estranged. This doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened but more allow the anger, resentment, or any other emotions that don’t serve you to be lifted from your heart.

    I find writing a gratitude letter (listing what you found good about them and your time together, plus anything you’re grateful to them for) really helpful in the process of forgiving and letting go. It helps to refocus on the good side of the person (and your relationship) rather than the negative.

    Remember, we feel hurt because we loved and cared deeply, two important components of a happy life. Letting go allows us to move forward to what is right for us. Use what happened to personally grow and build a better life.

    Every life event, good or bad, has something to teach us…

    I’ve grown so much from my own experiences and use those learnings to positively affect all the other relationships in my life. There is always hope for reconciliation, but for now, I’m at peace with where I’m at, and I hope you will be too.

  • Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship

    Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship

    Couple Looking at Each Other

    “Communication works for those who work at it.” ~John Powell

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. He’s a great guy. We get along well, we complement each other, and we have a lot of fun when we’re together.

    Still, despite our mutual desire for a great relationship, we occasionally run into roadblocks, otherwise known as growth points.

    Recently we’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch while revisiting unresolved dramas. What enables us to handle these dramas well is our willingness to show up and communicate.

    Through our three years together, I’ve learned a few things about effective communication. If you’ve found it difficult to share your thoughts and feelings and work through issues in your relationship, this may help.

    1. Schedule a time to talk.

    This is most important when it comes to discussing the heavier subject matter of your relationship.

    Even though I know this and I follow this rule regularly, an impulsive side of me failed to abide by this rule in one of my most recent discussions with my boyfriend. And I paid the price.

    We were lying in bed one night and the topic of concern came up. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt like I just had to say something. I decided to open the can of worms right then and there. He did not like that.

    He felt ambushed, which is understandable, right? I didn’t give him the opportunity to prepare. He had no idea what was coming!

    He got angry. He closed down. And, in turn, I didn’t feel heard and thought he didn’t care about my feelings.

    In reality, I didn’t do what I know is best to do: schedule a time to have a conversation. So, even though I let myself get upset and hurt about it, it was my responsibility to broach the conversation from a different angle. I had to let go of my hurt feelings and honestly examine where I dropped the ball.

    If I had scheduled a time to talk, then he would have been more willing to communicate with me. Honoring other people and their feelings allows both parties to fully show up, be heard, and hash things out collaboratively.

    2. Know your desires and intentions.

    Returning to the same scenario as above: I eventually decided to ask him for an appropriate time to talk. We agreed on dinnertime the next night.

    As we sat down and the conversation opened up, I decided to share with him my intention and desire for the conversation, beyond the topic for discussion.

    My true intention was to have open, clear, loving, positive, and collaborative communication with him. It’s important for me to be in a relationship in which conscious communication is the mainframe.

    I used the analogy that if either of us were unhappy about something and the other person or both of us were unwilling to communicate about it, then that would be like sticking a thorn in our relationship and choosing to allow it to deteriorate. It’s sweeping matters under the rug instead of dealing with them straight on.

    By sharing this, he immediately opened up because he knew where I was coming from and that my intention was positive and for the good of our relationship. He could relate to that because he desires and intends the same thing.

    3. Be prepared to lead the conversation.

    If you plan a time to talk with your partner about an issue in your relationship, be prepared to lead the way.

    My boyfriend and I have had several deep conversations over the last few months. So, at this point, I knew it was best for me to be prepared.

    In the past, when I failed to gather my thoughts in advance, I fumbled over my words and wasn’t quite sure what to say. I knew what the topic of conversation was, but I failed to produce anything productive, at least, not right off the bat.

    And finally…

    4. Take responsibility for, honor, and share your feelings.

    It wasn’t until I started sharing my feelings, without blaming (i.e. “I feel angry…”), that I started to feel heard and the conversation felt worthwhile.

    If I had continued to hide how I felt and just talked about how to solve the problem, then I would have continued to feel like something was wrong. And when that occurs, the first thing that comes to mind is that this communication thing just doesn’t work. I eventually want to withdraw.

    Facilitating communication with another goes both ways. I had to learn what works to open me up, as well as what will allow him to feel safe to open up as well.

    —

    Communication is crucial for healthy relationships. We develop intimacy as we learn to navigate each other’s rocky inner terrain, continually allowing the other to feel deeply loved and safer in our presence.

    Following these simple and practical steps can make communication much easier—and much more effective.

    Couple looking at each other image via Shutterstock

  • Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    “Ask for what you want. Give other people the opportunity to say ‘yes.’ Stop saying ‘no’ for them. “ ~Roger Ellerton

    I never realized until very recently exactly how hard it’s been for me to speak up for my needs. To ask for what I require and want. I honestly don’t know how I’ve navigated through life.

    Let me rephrase that: I’ve managed life by being very passive, ignoring my own desires. Then that small grain of resentment would build into frustration, and I would explode.

    I became a fiery and angry woman. I expressed my needs in a destructive manner, ranting and raving and writing emotional emails and text messages. It’s no wonder people didn’t take me seriously or listen!

    “Tammy’s having a freak out,” they’d say, or “Tammy’s in a mood.”

    This only compounded my anger and frustration.

    What a vicious cycle I was living. Inner peace was difficult when I couldn’t ask people for what I required. I’m not talking about needs like asking for the salt across the table. I’m talking about emotional needs, financial needs, and needs in the workplace and in relationships.

    If I was speaking up on behalf of someone else, that was easy for me. It just wasn’t easy for me to express my needs.

    This revelation about this pattern has become crystal clear over the past few weeks, and more so the past few days.

    Hubby and I have renovations being done, with a big monetary investment. The tiling was not acceptable. There were big gaps. Some were not aligned properly. Some were jutting out over others. It was not flush. It was not up to our expectations or in alliance with the money we paid.

    Something had to be said. I work from home, so I’m the one to communicate our dissatisfaction. A fear came over me. I felt physically sick. I didn’t want to hurt the tiler’s feelings.

    He’s a nice young man and is very pleasant to chat with. However, the work wasn’t up to standard. How could I say this? My goodness, how my stomach churned, and my head began to ache.

    I didn’t have time to be passive (which is my normal pattern—to let things slide). This is a building site, and if I wait, it will be much too late, and we’ll be stuck with shoddy work. I had to speak up.

    This broke my lifelong pattern of suppressing my emotions, needs, and desires. With no anger, resentment, or bitterness built up, my communication was much more relaxed, loving, and friendly. I was able to write initially and then discuss our concerns in a very amicable and approachable manner.

    Although I was nervous and anxious, time restraints forced me to take immediate action to remedy the situation. What a beautiful lesson from the universe.

    Needless to say, because I was able to bring up our issues and concerns lovingly at the moment the problem arose, they were resolved quickly. Can you imagine if I’d waited until I was so angry and upset that I exploded?

    Can you imagine how the people would have reacted if I fell into my usual pattern of waiting until I crack? I know from experience that it would not have been friendly or helpful. It would have spiraled out of control, with everyone feeling negative and horrible.

    What insight for me! I never realized my issues came back to me being unable or unwilling to speak up for what I needed.

    I surmise this comes from observing my mother growing up, who is a meek lady who’d much rather go without or put up with stuff to keep the peace. I also observed my father, who is volatile and more aggressive in nature. If things go wrong, his first reaction is anger, with a lot of swearing and cursing.

    Neither of these is the best model for coping with life, so I’ve developed my own way, which hasn’t served me well.

    The universe has given me a clear and concise lesson. It’s one that I’ve had many times over and failed to learn. The amount of incidences I can reflect upon and link to my inability to speak up for a need that wasn’t being met is staggering. Thank goodness the universe is patient. I’ve grappled with outbursts for years.

    I know I will overcome this issue. I will speak up lovingly, at the moment something is annoying me or not serving a need. I also know that the universe will provide me with many occasions to put into practice my newfound wisdom just to show me how far I’ve come.

    We are all capable of speaking up, and even the meekest person must learn to do it.

    When you suppress your true feelings, they don’t disappear or go away; they transform into something else. For me, they transform into explosive anger. Other people’s suppressed emotions manifest into depression, anxiety, or some other physical illness.

    A dear friend of mine gets mouth ulcers when she’s holding back her true opinions and not voicing them. It’s not healthy to “keep the peace” at all costs, and why should you?

    You are worth it, and you deserve things to be right for you. Speaking up for your needs does not make you a difficult person. It means you respect yourself and know that you deserve better than what you are receiving.

  • How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    Friends Pulled Apart

    “Would you rather be right or free?” ~Byron Katie

    Do you have the freedom to say what you really feel? Do you share your true thoughts and ideas, or do you struggle to avoid hurting, disappointing, or angering others?

    It can be easier to try to meet others’ expectations and avoid conflict. We may even believe we are making someone happy by not speaking our truth. What’s the cost? Slowly giving up fragments of who we genuinely are: our authentic self.

    There was a time when right and wrong worked for me. I had stability, harmony, and a practical path for pursuing a career in accounting, marrying a wonderful man, and raising three beautiful children.

    I didn’t realize I was following expectations of what I thought should make me happy based on what I learned and believed to be true. I was living on the surface, stuck in the paradigm of right and wrong. Though I was happy, something was missing.

    Until I ventured within and followed my real passion (psychology, writing, and seeking spiritual truth), I couldn’t see that I’d been living in the framework of family norms and social conditioning, not knowing how to listen to myself.

    I grew up shy, fearful of having the wrong answer, one that didn’t fit into what others told me I should be, do, know, and think.  

    The social mask forms the moment we’re born and we hear our first words. We learn to please, meet expectations, and avoid sharing our feelings, which can turn into a lifelong struggle to be good enough, know enough, and have enough.

    We long to be seen and heard for who we are unconditionally, but we find ourselves on the path of conditional love, seeking the approval and appreciation from others that we eventually discover must come from within.

    When I began sharing my ideas, it went against expectations of “right and wrong,” and I faced criticism and judgment. I was finally following my own values and the things that excited me.

    I’d eagerly share with my family, not realizing how far “out of the box” I’d gone, and was met with silence, or criticism behind my back.  

    As I stepped into my beliefs, I encountered defensiveness and attempts to prove I was wrong. Conflict for the first time! Both of us were living in our ego’s fear, needing to be right in a space of  “how could you think that?”

    Then a twenty-year friendship ended abruptly when I wasn’t following her “right” way of business ethics.

    As university friends, we had both become coaches, leaving behind our corporate careers, and suddenly I was a competitor instead of a friend.

    She felt the need to control the way I did business. Sadly, it turned out to be more important than our friendship.

    Soon after, I faced blaming, false assumptions, and horrific judgments from a friend of over a decade. I no longer followed her “right way,” which culminated in a six-page letter about why I was wrong, and who I should be—otherwise this friendship wasn’t working for her!

    I was shocked, and felt enormous hurt, disbelief, and some things I didn’t expect: anger, hatred, and resentment.

    I hadn’t felt this intensity of negative emotions toward anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t forgive because I’d become attached to my way needing to “be right” for her. 

    At the same time I’d developed a strong inner trust, validated by the most fulfilling life experiences in all areas of my life. Suddenly, I could see that who was right and wrong didn’t matter.

    I was judging her for judging me!

    I was also trying to correct her in an effort to fix her, convincing her of my beliefs, needing to control, or trying to change her to make me happy.

    It often happens with those close to us who are now hurting us with their “disregard, disobedience, or disrespect” for not following our right way.

    I now held the energy of criticism (finding fault, complaining), and judgment (blaming, resentment, punishment). While I trusted what was right for my well-being, I needed to let go of it being right for someone else.

    Doing this does not mean we accept or absolve responsibility for all manner of words and behavior. It just means that we stop blaming and judging someone else and consider that they’re doing their best from their own state of consciousness.

    The constructive or destructive choices they make form their learning and experiences, and can only be 100% their responsibility.

    We may have the best of intentions with our criticism and judgment, and we might find ways to punish, yell, impose, demand, and justify them as the “right way,” but love does not condemn.

    When we’re coming from a place of love, we share, teach, and role model in a space of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.

    How do you communicate authentically from a judgment-free space so others will stay open to your thoughts? It may help to use these phrases:

    • I notice that…
    • Are you willing to…
    • I’m curious about…
    • Here’s how I’m feeling, what are you feeling?
    • Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this?
    • Here’s what I desire for our relationship…what do you want?
    • Are you willing to listen to my point of view, even if it may not be the same as yours?
    • I’m feeling disappointed or not okay with….because what’s important to me is…
    • I think/believe that…what do you think/believe?
    • What exactly did you mean by…
    • I just want to understand where you’re coming from, can you say more about…?

    You may want to avoid certain phrases that come across as criticism and judgment, as they may cause defensiveness and affect other’s ability to be authentic with you:

    • You should…
    • You never….
    • You always…
    • Why can’t you get that….
    • What’s wrong with you?
    • Why or how can you not see that…
    • I’m so disappointed that you…
    • How could you…?
    • I can’t believe you…
    • You are so…

    I’ve learned that, at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone’s ego (blaming, complaining, condemning), even if I share from a genuine place of love.

    We have no control over where someone chooses to live on the spectrum of fear versus love, and must discern whether there’s space to share—and what’s better left unsaid, so we don’t step on other people’s spiritual path.

    Sometimes we may simply need to wish others well on their journey, creating a new space for both sides to reflect on what truly matters. This is also a loving choice.

    And when you love without judgment, you won’t need to be right because you’ll be free.

    “Out beyond ideas of right 
and wrong there is a field.
I will meet you there.” ~Rumi

    Photo by Elvert Barnes

  • How to Overcome Passive Aggression: Meet Your Needs by Communicating Clearly

    How to Overcome Passive Aggression: Meet Your Needs by Communicating Clearly

    A couple of weeks ago, while reading a post on a different personal development site, I found a comment from a reader who seemed to question the blogger’s intentions and integrity, as it pertains to how he does business.

    This reader was direct. She didn’t beat around the bush; she came right out and communicated how she felt. For this reason, and because the comment was based in assumptions, it read as somewhat harsh and judgmental.

    Another reader responded to that comment, starting with something along the lines of, “Wow, now isn’t this a wonderful learning opportunity for both of you!”

    In other words, this experience (of the reader offering a critical comment) provided room for the both the blogger and the reader to learn something.

    However, this reader then went on to defend the blogger with wording that seemed passive-aggressive.

    While she first wrote that it was a learning opportunity for both people, her comment then read like a list of reasons the first reader was completely out of line, albeit phrased with words that seemed positive and constructive.

    I realized that I recognized passive-aggression because it’s something I’ve experienced before—on both sides of the table.

    In our attempts to be “positive people,” we might feel a need to stifle our anger and avoid directly confronting people, as if critical thinking is always negative.

    But sometimes we may want to address something that’s bothered us, whether it’s something that pertains to us or someone else we care about.

    It’s only by having the courage to speak up, respectfully, that we can all help each other learn.

    Speaking up respectfully isn’t the same as phrasing everything positively.

    Speaking up respectfully requires us to be clear and direct with our intentions and message, and to accept the consequences of offering it—meaning, understanding that we can only control what we say, not how it is received.

    You’ve probably been on the giving and receiving end of passive-aggression at least once or twice.

    It’s the note your roommate leaves that reads, “I know you probably meant to do the dishes! Don’t worry—I’ll do them tonight, even though it’s not my turn!”

    It’s the fifth time your boyfriend “forgets” to wash your white clothes separately, and the argument he later makes for why he’s just not good at laundry.

    It’s your wife’s inexplicable hostility, when underneath that is something she wants you to do but without having to nag you to do it.

    (Or it’s your note, “mistake,” or antagonism.)

    It’s anger, suppressed and expressed indirectly—and it’s both ineffective and confusing.

    Someone can only meet our needs when they understand them, and someone can only recognize the potential impact of their actions if we’re brave enough to call their attention to it.

    When I first started trying to become more positive, I quickly squelched all critical thoughts, labeling them as “bad.” Ironically, I did this because I thought it was bad to be critical of other people—and in making that judgment, I set myself up to frequently judge myself.

    What I didn’t realize is that I needed to be more discerning between critical thoughts with some constructive intention and critical thoughts that came from my ego.

    The critical thoughts with a constructive intention served a valid purpose, whether it was to help me maintain my boundaries, communicate my needs, or honor my values.

    The critical thoughts that came from my ego usually had to do with fear, wanting to make someone else wrong to feel superior, or even projecting onto someone else the character traits I wished I didn’t have.

    The first type of critical thought is crucial, since it’s a prerequisite to taking care of ourselves. And sometimes, it may also pertain to taking care of people we love, by speaking up when we see someone mistreating them.

    So how do we recognize and avoid passive-aggressive behavior?

    The first step is to accept that you have a right to feel angry.

    You can still be a positive person and feel emotions we typically label as “negative.” And you can be a loving friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mother, father, son, or daughter while feeling anger in response to something the other person has done.

    Trying not to feel angry doesn’t make anger go away; if anything, it makes it more powerful.

    The next step is to foster self-awareness about what it is you need, or want to express.

    If you don’t realize why you’re angry, it will be impossible to communicate it to someone else.

    When you’re feeling something that confuses you, step back and take the time to ascertain the deepest root problem.

    Are you really angry about a comment someone made, or does it have to do with something you assume that comment means—for example, that your friend doesn’t respect you?

    Are you really upset over one thing someone failed to do, or is it about a pattern of behavior that you think means something—for example, that your significant other doesn’t take your needs seriously?

    Ascertain exactly what’s bothering you, not just on the surface but also underneath the event itself.

    Of course, it could be just the surface level behavior—someone didn’t do what you expected that person to do, and that upset you. (It’s worth noting, once again, that other people can only meet expectations if we express them clearly.)

    Once you know why you’re angry, ask yourself: Do I have a constructive intention in expressing these feelings, or is this coming from my ego?

    The last step is to have the courage to be clear.

    This isn’t always easy, especially if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me. Owning your opinion or directly expressing your needs opens you up to a potential confrontation. But confrontation isn’t always a bad thing.

    It doesn’t have to imply an argument or an attack. Confrontation can be direct and respectful—and even when it’s not couched with words that imply positivity.

    It’s perfectly valid to say, “When you don’t return my calls for days, I sometimes assume that means you don’t see me as a priority.”

    That’s a lot clearer than responding to a text with, “Wow, you’re alive! I thought something might have happened to you. Just kidding. I know you have a lot on your plate.” While this might seem more positive and understanding, it doesn’t communicate your feelings. And communicating your feelings is integral to addressing them.

    This is something I’ve been working on for a long time, and admittedly, I still struggle. When you’ve spent years being passive-aggressive, it can feel like a knee-jerk reaction.

    But I know one thing for sure: Every time I am clear and respectful about what I feel, I feel proud of myself for having the courage to own that. And every time I resolve an issue that might grow if left unaddressed, my relationships feel stronger.

    The woman who left that comment on the post, I know she’s a lot like me—and all of us, I imagine. We all feel strongly when we believe someone is attacking or judging us, or someone we care about.

    For me, that was the learning experience—the reminder that we’re allowed to feel what we feel, and we’re most effective when we communicate it clearly.