Tag: commitment
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Are You Sick of Waiting, Wanting, and Wishing for a Better Life?
“Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.” ~Walter Elliott
I often find myself impatient with the pace of my progress. Waiting for my life to move forward can sometimes feel like I’m watching paint dry.
There are so many moments when we feel like our life is at a standstill. This is generally where I double down with my intensity. I hit it with everything I can. The crash comes soon after from the inevitable violent collision of my mind, body, and spirit as they’re pushed beyond their limits.
The idea of having to wait for anything is a first-world problem. The thought that your cat’s costume might not arrive in time for Halloween is enough to bring some people to tears. Just thinking of Mr. Whiskers having to go out as a plain ol’ cat is a bloody crime.
And that’s waiting for a cat costume.
What about that book you wish would just write itself?
What about that scale that still shows you being forty pounds heavier than you want to be?
What about that bank account that still isn’t bigger than your credit card bill?
These are not things we want to wait for. We want the juice without the squeeze.
We’ve grown so impatient with the idea of waiting for results that we act like moving slowly is a poison to progress. We default to believing the antidote is a shot of intensity straight to the veins. But all that gives us is further frustration, anger, guilt that we’re not doing enough, and the feeling that we need to push harder.
It’s such a horrible way to approach life. Especially since the only finish line comes when you take your final breath. And I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get there early.
It’s exhausting even thinking about that period of my life when I wanted to write a book, lose forty pounds, and stop feeling broke. Not a day would pass when I wouldn’t be consumed by feelings of doubt and hopelessness. I should have been pushing out diamonds with the amount of pressure I was putting on myself.
That struggle led to a life-changing aha moment for me. I realized that there are two ways to approach making progress. You can hit it hard with intensity. Or you can set a long-term aim with consistency.
Which of these do you think is sustainable for making progress?
Think back to the children’s story of the tortoise versus the hare. These are lessons worth revisiting for their simple and profound principles on approaching life.
We all overestimate what we can accomplish in a day, but we underestimate what we can accomplish in a year with steady momentum.
How do you write a book? By establishing a daily writing habit.
How do you lose forty pounds? By moving your body every day and eating less than you burn.
How do you get out of debt? By making a daily choice to spend less than you earn (and invest the difference).
You’re not going to write a book in a day, but there’s a damn good chance you’ll have one in a year.
You’re not going to lose forty pounds in a day, but you could in a year.
You won’t get out of debt in a day, but you’ll set a trajectory for wealth creation that lasts the rest of your life.
How different could your life be a year from now if you committed to something that’s important to you?
Sit with that idea for a moment. Soak it in.
What would it feel like to hold that book in your hands?
What would it feel like to look at that scale and see the number you want to see?
What would it feel like to be debt-free and investing in your future?
I’m serious. Feel it. Wait till you get goosebumps.
That is peace of mind, relief, and a sense of fulfillment tied up in a bow on Christmas morning. That is the realization that you can have almost anything you want in your life if you stay disciplined with your priorities. That is the power of consistent daily habits.
There’s a saying about hope not being a strategy for change. I do believe hope is a beautiful emotion. But I’ve seen myself get stuck for years waiting, wanting, and wishing for a better life. Hope didn’t give me a way out because it left me at the mercy of my current circumstances.
Writer Lu Xun said, “Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.”
This is the power of action and putting one foot in front of the other.
Every action you take is a vote toward the person you want to be. The more we align the things we do on a daily basis with the person we want to become, the more fulfillment we feel in the little things that get us there.
What do you wish you could change if only it didn’t feel so hard? And what could it mean for your life if every day you prioritized this change and did one small thing to work toward it?
Make the decision to commit to a simple daily habit that reflects the person you want to be and the life you want to live. When you do this, you’re deciding to take back control of your life. You’re deciding to give yourself a better future. You’re deciding that you matter.
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Are You Being Roached in Your “Relationship”?
“Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
Online dating and dating apps have revolutionized the experience of dating in recent years, and those changes continue to accelerate at a dizzying pace.
These new technologies have given rise to a brand new culture that singles never had to navigate in years past. Dating online and using dating apps is like a new “Wild West,” where there are no clear rules and anything goes.
This new culture comes with new words, of course. Some are amusing and some, not so much.
“Roaching” is a new name for a practice that’s been around for many years. Essentially, it’s a failure to define a relationship as monogamous (or otherwise) and the hurt feelings that often result.
One person believes that the relationship is progressing toward a meaningful one-on-one partnership and is blindsided when they find out that their partner has been seeing other people.
The offending party claims to be surprised that monogamy was assumed or expected because it was never openly discussed. This can seem heartless to some, myself included, but viewed objectively, it’s a valid point.
Mismatched expectations in relationships are nothing new, but regardless of the details or what new dating terms are used, the root cause is the same: the lack of open communication.
When I was searching for a partner, I often struggled to articulate what I truly wanted. I had trouble admitting, even to myself at times, that I was truly seeking marriage to someone with whom I hoped to share my life.
I found it nearly impossible to believe that there could be a man out there who would want that with me, so I avoided talking about it as much as I could. Instead, I swept it under the rug and dated anyone I found attractive.
I hoped that somehow it would all just work out. Somehow a man would end up falling in love with me and I’d be able to “sneak a relationship in the back door.” As if he wouldn’t notice.
I know that this sounds ridiculous, but that seemed to be the way it worked in the movies.
I thought that my dreams of a loving marriage were too much, overly traditional, and not feminist enough. It wasn’t what all the women’s magazines said I should be doing. In retrospect, I can see that I was actually ashamed of what I wanted.
I tried to deny my dream of finding true love, even to myself, but my heart would not be silenced.
Meanwhile, I dated prolifically and never told any of the men what I was looking for. I simply hoped that they would like me enough to somehow know what I wanted and offer it to me.
Needless to say, this did not happen and many misunderstandings ensued.
There wasn’t really a term for it then, but I was “roached” among quite a few other things. At the time, I thought those men were heartless and cruel, but now I see how I put myself in those situations by not being honest and forthright about what I was looking for.
I spent years getting my heart broken repeatedly and it took a huge toll on me. I finally decided that it was time to own up to what I really wanted because what I was doing was obviously not working.
I sat down and decided exactly what I wanted. I journaled about the life I wanted, the relationship I wanted, how I wanted to feel when I was with this person and the kind of person I wanted to be.
Then I promised myself that I would always have my own back and do everything I could to live the life I dreamed of no matter what anyone thought. I started telling the truth about what I wanted, even though it was difficult and scary and sometimes not eloquent at all.
I made myself ask the questions I wanted the answers to, even when my voice shook and I wished that the floor would swallow me up so that I could hide.
Sure, it scared some men away, but it also inspired a few of them. Including the man I married.
If you’re wondering whether or not you’re being roached, ask yourself if you’ve truly been honest with the person you’re dating about what you’re looking for. Have you had an actual conversation or have you just hinted? Do you know what your partner is seeking in a relationship? Have you asked?
If you haven’t talked about this yet, do it as soon as possible. If you’re afraid to do this, ask yourself why. Not having this conversation may seem easier in the moment, but in the long run it’s often much more painful.
It takes courage to decide what you want in life and to communicate your truth to another person. It requires strength and fortitude to create an authentic life instead of hoping that things turn out the way you want them to without any effort on your part.
You don’t have to turn your life around in a single day. You can do it one conversation at a time.
It’s like building your muscles when you work out. Over time, you’ll get stronger. Your communication skills will improve when you do this and so will your confidence.
Your relationships will improve as well. You’ll never have to worry about being roached again, because you’ll know where you stand with the people you date.
Before you know it, you will have transformed your life and your relationships forever.
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When Your Partner Isn’t Sure They Want a Future with You
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.” ~Ernest Hemingway
At Eagle Point Elementary, where I went for third grade, there was one very cute boy. Jason was the object of affection for seemingly every third-grade girl. He would make a list each day of the five girls he thought were the cutest. The list changed every day. Whoever took the top spot for the day was the girl Jason decided he was “going with.” (Was “going with” a thing in everyone’s elementary school or just in suburban Minnesota? What did that even mean?)
I still remember the elation when I edged out my friend Caroline for the top spot. It was short-lived. Caroline was tough to beat. My dad got wind of this top five system and sat me down to say, “Never wait to be in somebody’s top spot. If you have to convince someone of how great you are, they shouldn’t be in your top spot.” I opted out of the competition the next day.
Adults are subtler than Jason was, but my father’s “top spot” lesson was a valuable one.
In my twenties, I dated a guy who ran cold and hot with me, leaving me insecure and obsessing over the relationship. Heeding my dad’s warning, I ended things abruptly.
It was initially very painful, and I questioned if I had pulled the plug too quickly. But within a few months, I realized there was no happy future with this person—he either didn’t care enough about me or was incapable of a secure intimate relationship. Either way, I had dodged a bullet.
Here is a scenario I see play out often in my psychotherapy practice: You meet someone and fall in love. After about a year of dating, you’re eager to marry and have children. Your partner is happy in the relationship, but not ready to move forward.
Initially, you’re patient and sympathetic. But by the end of year two, you’re frustrated about putting your life on hold while your partner is “figuring things out.”
Frequently, when you seem to have reached the end of your rope and appear ready to walk away, your partner begs for more time.
By year four, you’re vacillating between rage and panic, but you feel like this has to work out because you can’t bear the thought of starting over with someone new.
During year five, your partner announces they might never want to get married or have kids. In fact, they’d like to start seeing other people.
If you’ve ever found yourself in love with a commitment-avoidant person, you know it can be hard to tell when to be patient and when to pull the plug. Do you walk away from someone you love just because you have different timelines? How much time do you give your partner to decide whether they are in or out? In other words, should you stay or should you go?
Does any of this sound familiar?
“He won’t commit because he’s still getting over his first marriage, but if I can hang in, he’s going to see how good I am for him.”
“She had a traumatic childhood and doesn’t trust men, so it’s tough for her to be faithful. But she’s working on it.”
“We’ve been together for five years, but he’s still not sure. He says he’ll know when he knows.”
If so, let’s look at how you got here, why you stay, and what you can do next.
Your parents give you your first example of how to give and receive love. Unfortunately, sometimes they’re not the best role models, especially when it comes to relationships.
Did one parent prioritize work above everything and never make time for you? Or did you feel valued as long as you followed the rules and were easy-going, but shunned when you were struggling or needed extra attention?
This treatment teaches you that the people you love aren’t reliable, that you’re ‘too much’ for people to love consistently, or that you aren’t valued as much as their work, their hobbies, or the other people in their lives.
But what if you had terrific, consistent, loving parents? Maybe you even really admire their relationship and dream of having a similar one yourself. Then what?
Look at your early romantic relationships. These can provide a prototype, for better or worse, for your future connections.
Say, for example, that your high school boyfriend told you he loved you but blew you off to hang out with his friends at every opportunity. Or your first girlfriend cheated on you repeatedly. Our brains can lock into the idea that this is how love is supposed to feel.
A different but equally tricky scenario is that you had no early romantic life to speak of. You feel like you’ve never been chosen as the special one. In this case, you might feel like you’re lucky to get any attention at all, and that you’d better not be too demanding.
If this sounds like you, you may have an “anxious attachment” style. Someone healthily attached may strongly prefer to be in a relationship and may feel they are at their best when coupled up, but would rather be alone than stay in a relationship where their needs are not met.
If you are anxiously attached, any relationship, no matter how unsatisfying, is better than being alone.
In his 2012 book Attached, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine writes, “Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
I wish I could tell you that if you do everything right and handle yourself correctly, the scales will drop from your lover’s eyes, and you’ll be in the top spot. But that’s probably what you’re already doing, and it’s not working. There’s no magic formula for getting someone off the fence, but here are some ideas to keep in mind:
1. Don’t bet your future on someone else’s potential.
People do grow and change throughout a relationship. However, after the first year or so, a desire to share one’s life, the depth of one’s feelings, and enthusiasm about committing to you probably won’t grow exponentially.
Is what you are getting now enough for you?
In her bestselling book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, a writer who has extensively chronicled her own relationships, writes “I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
Be realistic. Is the person in front of you who you really want? Or are you waiting for them to conform to your fantasy of who they could be?
2. Sometimes you have to make clear what you can or cannot accept.
Ultimatums have gotten a reputation of being akin to bullying, manipulating, or otherwise strong-arming someone into bending to your will.
Ambivalent partners often feel victimized when faced with an ultimatum. They don’t want to want to be pressured to change the status quo and to risk either stepping up or losing the relationship. But often that’s precisely what needs to happen.
Everyone should have a bottom line regarding what they want from a partner in a relationship. If you communicate your wants and your partner ignores them or can’t meet them, you should leave. Honoring what’s non-negotiable for you is the cornerstone of healthy self-esteem.
A long-married couple I know likes to tell a story about the first night they were married. As they settled into bed that night, the man confided, as he had many times before, that he was having doubts; maybe they’d married too quickly.
This time, his new wife looked him dead in the eye and said, “Why don’t you get out right now and you come back once you’ve figured it out.”
It wasn’t the first time he had expressed ambivalence about the relationship, but it was the last. “That night straightened me out,” says the man, laughing.
3. Is there any hope at all?
Sometimes the person having trouble committing recognizes that they have a problem and wants to work toward change. They might feel that the issue is their anxiety, trauma, or relationship history.
If they are genuinely working to figure it out, that might be a reason to hang on to a relationship somewhat longer. But there should be a time limit on how long you’re willing to orient your life around someone while your own needs are not being met. Talking this through with a trusted third party, like a therapist, can be very helpful in this scenario.
Commitment Isn’t the Finish Line—It’s the Starting Gate
Do you want to stake your future on someone who you have to convince to be with you? It’s important to note that a healthily attached person can become anxiously attached if they spend too long with an avoidant partner. The worst-case scenario isn’t a break-up; it’s spending years of your life with someone incapable of being ‘all in’ a relationship.
Say your partner doesn’t want to lose you but isn’t interested in changing the underlying dynamics of the relationship, either. Then you’ll find yourself tethered to someone incapable of real intimacy, who sulks in the face any expectations, and who is incapable of prioritizing you and your happiness. You will (sort of) have the commitment, but no closeness or trust. This is the worst outcome.
How is your story going to end? The answer depends on your tolerance for speaking up for yourself, and your willingness to risk being on your own. Don’t let your partner leach away your time, self-esteem, and happiness. Our lives are determined by the quality of our relationships. Hold out for the partner who unequivocally puts you at the top of their list.
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How Technology Makes It Easy to Flake Out (And How to Stop It)
“If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.” ~Unknown
How many times have you made plans with friends, only to receive the dreaded, “Sorry, need to reschedule” text just minutes before you were meant to meet?
Is it any wonder that you get tired of trying, that you struggle to feel secure in relationships?
But before we get carried away castigating others, let’s take a look at ourselves. We hate it when other people bail at the last minute, but do we do it too?
As humans, we have an astonishing capacity for denial. People I love and respect tell me how much they despise it when other people text and drive. Then five minutes later, what are they doing? Texting and driving.
Many of us use our phones and social media accounts to flake out on our people, and it’s messing with our heads.
That’s why every major world religion emphasizes a version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When left to our own devices (pun intended), we are really bad at it.
Much as I dislike when other people flake out, I’ve done it. I did it to my friend Jozzy a few weeks ago. I’d verbally expressed interest in attending a book group he led, speaking as though I’d be there. In fact, I even put it on my calendar. But when the day arrived, I was feeling exhausted.
So I messaged Jozzy and told him the truth: I didn’t have the energy. He was gracious and forgiving. It would have been easy to forget about the incident, but I took a closer look. What had happened?
First, I didn’t take a pause before committing. Instead of realistically assessing my week, I let my enthusiasm take the reigns. You might say, “You couldn’t have known that you’d be exhausted!” But a cursory glance at my calendar told me otherwise.
Next, I took my own words too lightly. Before messaging Jozzy, I’d spent a few minutes pretending that I hadn’t ‘really promised’ anything. This made it easier for me to go back on my word.
You could argue, “You just made a casual agreement; it’s no big deal!”
I understand the lure of this reasoning, but I don’t bite. If we can’t rely on one another to mean what we say, then we don’t have much of a relationship.
Technology also gets us into trouble by making it easier to renege on our commitments. And if we don’t resist that tendency, it can erode the fabric of our friendships.
Years ago, if you wanted to cancel an engagement you’d need to speak to the person you were letting down. Now, you can tap a text or change your status with the swipe of a finger.
As psychologist and author Andrea Bonoir writes in There’s A Modern Affliction Ruining Our Friendships – And We’re All Guilty Of It, “Technology makes it so much easier to flake out … It’s infinitely easier and less awkward than having to talk to someone by phone or, worse, tell them in person.”
Yes, technology makes it more convenient to flake out and lie. But that doesn’t make it right. So the first and most important thing for us to do is walk the walk.
As Alex Cornell jokes in Cellphones Are Making People Flaky as #%@*, most people fall into three categories: latecomers, no-shows, and optimizers (that is, people who won’t commit to your plan until they’ve scoped out every other possibility first).
Cornell says, “… There is potential for a fourth category—those that show up on time, but … this is unlikely.” In other words, people who do what they say they will are rare.
Be that unlikely person. People will respect you for it.
But what do you do when you’re on the receiving end of repeated flake-outs? Martha Beck’s paraphrase of the Golden Rule is helpful here: “Never let others do to you what you would never do to others.”
The next time a friend bails on you yet again, don’t swallow your anger and pretend that it didn’t affect you. Your time and trust matter; when they’re trampled upon, it hurts.
Emergencies happen, and everyone makes mistakes. I’m not talking about such isolated instances here, but rather a pattern of getting left in the lurch. If that’s what you’re dealing with, say something.
People only get away with flake-outs because we are too scared to call them out and set the necessary boundaries:
I care about our friendship, and it’s not okay that you are consistently late. If it happens again, I will leave after [X] minutes. I need to respect my own time.
I love you, and I find it so frustrating when you cancel our plans at the last minute. Please either show up when you say you will, or don’t make plans with me at all.
You are allowed to value your own time. And when you begin to respect this most precious currency, you’ll teach others to do the same.
Texting image via Shutterstock
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You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You
“It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.” ~Unknown
When we’re deep into something it’s hard to see clearly and to hear advice from others. It’s hard to focus on a solution when we are consumed with the problem.
It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess. It’s so much easier to see checkmate when you’re not the one playing the game.
That’s what happened to me for the last five years.
I spent every breathing moment consumed with a man, unable to listen to those who watched me struggle. I spent five years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.
For five years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never-ending cycle of depression and humiliation.
I destroyed my reputation and slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behavior, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?
Still, I couldn’t stop. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For five years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.
And then I got pregnant, in the midst of the chaos and passion that was our on-and-off relationship.
Everyone around me pressured me to have an abortion. I knew they were worried about me, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son.
And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise our child. While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. I broke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character.
I was wrong.
From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. He hurt me during the most vulnerable time in my life. Then months later he told me he loved me.
We did this back and forth game throughout my entire pregnancy. It felt like an eternal emotional tug of war. It was draining. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do.
I chased him out of fear.
I chased him for me.
I chased him for our son.
I chased him for the home and family I had built in my mind for so many years.
I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle.
And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick.
Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. And the three of us would finally be a family.
That never happened, of course. My son and I never got that family. And I now know we never will.
I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind.
For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. I put him and our connection on a pedestal. I idolized and worshiped every part of him.
But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him.
It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.
Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.
I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.
If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.
He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.
It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.
He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.
If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.
It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.
Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.
We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.
The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.
But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.
Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.
We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.
If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.
I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.
Wasted time is wasted life.
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Keeping Your Word and Showing Up in Your Relationships
“The simplest deed is better than the greatest intention.” ~John Burroughs
In former times, a person’s word was his “bond.”
In fact, major business deals were transacted and solidified with a simple promise and a firm handshake. It was that basic.
Court cases were reserved for hardened criminals, not contractual breaches. And trust? It was as much of a commodity as stocks and bonds.
I miss those days.
Based upon a number of personal and professional interactions over the last couple of years, it seems that not enough folks consider their word as binding, particularly when it comes to friends honoring verbal (or email) commitments.
Don’t get me wrong: I recognize that “shift happens.” But being fickle can cause detriment to relationships, violate trust, and ruin reputations.
Here’s a case in point: Earlier this year, I was immersed in numerous activities surrounding two major events, the first being my twenty year anniversary as the president and founder of a community based arts organization, and the other my thirty-eighth birthday (the sequel).
Around April, I reached out to my small network of close friends to lend a hand, provide donations, or show support simply through their physical attendance at this highly anticipated two-day gala.
After all, it’s not every day that a girl celebrates twenty years of faithful service, or their thirty-eighth birthday twice, right?
As expected, the initial response was pretty good. Some pledged to bring food and drinks, while others confirmed they would minimally be on the scene to help celebrate and serve as hostesses.
Fast forward…it’s the weekend of the big event, ushered in with a Saturday framed in near-perfect weather and attendance by old acquaintances and new. Though it was a nice sized crowd for the gathering, when I scanned the faces, I noticed that four friends failed to show up; some didn’t even call to offer apologies or explanations.
Of the ones that didn’t show up, two were supposed to bring dishes and drinks that I relied on to complete my carefully planned menu, which left me scrambling to make last minute substitutions and some experimental combinations. Not cool.
In all fairness, I should add that overall these pals are quality people who have added greatly to my quality of life over the years. I have been able to count on them for moral support, constructive criticism, and even an emergency loan or two.
As such, this is not intended to diminish them in any way. It’s for edification. I’d like to think of it as a Public Service Message.
We’re all busy. Demanding jobs, elderly parents, personal obligations, projects around the house—it seems that the list never ends.
Still, friendships require ongoing give and take and sacrifice. There‘s no need to keep an open tally of who does what, or when, just a moral obligation to be honest, accountable, and trustworthy—to respond to an S.O.S when it’s issued.
The role of a true friend is to uplift, not to let down.
Amid all the chaos and uncertainty of the day, I kept smiling and the function ended on a high note. Thankfully.
In retrospect, I never want to have a “Plan B” when dealing with “A-list” friends.
Determined to make this a “teachable moment,” here’s what I concluded after I took the time to reflect. Perhaps these lessons will serve you well in future times too.
People define friendship differently.
Just because you share history together does not mean you should necessarily share a future. Choose friends with a similar value system for greater compatibility and lasting results.
Don’t be bitter, be better.
Look for the opportunities in adversity. With this situation, I was forced to have some heart-to-heart chats with friends (that were long overdue), that hopefully will lead to a better understanding of our relationship needs and foster greater respect moving forward.
A wise man once said, “We teach people how to treat us by the things we accept.”
If something a friend has done causes you to feel betrayed or offended, speak up, gently. Don’t let wounds fester, or suffer in silence. There are far too many people carrying grudges against others who have no idea what they’ve done wrong, and as such, they can‘t apologize or correct their behavior.
Most importantly, remember that not keeping your word can cause you to lose valued friendships.
And more often than not, it’s really not worth the gamble.
Best friends image via Shutterstock
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6 Commitments to Maintain Momentum with New Projects
“When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless.” ~Pema Chodron
I always wanted to travel to exotic places. When I received an all-expenses-paid invitation to Bangkok after a conference accepted a paper I wrote, I jumped at the chance to go.
I brought my camera and lugged it around in an oversize fanny back worn backwards. Looking like a dork is a small price for the opportunity to catch the wonder of a moment.
The conference became a yearly event, and the overseas flights provided time to reread the Canon manual for umpteenth time. My mind is a sieve for numbers and buttons that require complex mathematical equations performed in an instant. I’m lucky to catch a great shot one-tenth of the time.
Most times I stick to photographing sumptuous statues of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. I am willing to wait hours for a shaft of light to strike them just so. Then I take a ridiculous numbers of shots just in case.
I’m not a techie, but this pursuit keeps butting me up against long lists of directions on computer screens with hieroglyphics that could make decoding an Egyptian tomb look easy.
While compiling my first photographic book I vowed to keep my cool at the computer. No ranting or raving at the keyboard; none of the usual expletives or threats to decimate the motherboard. I got more done than I ever could have imagined.
Now the ante has been upped with my second book on Guanyin, a female deity capable of the greatest love under the direst circumstances. But has she ever faced the endless void of interminable options on the Internet without the hope of a human touch?
In a moment’s notice, she can shift shapes to lift us out of a tough situation and firmly plant our feet on the road to enlightenment—or Kansas if necessary.
Guanyin inspired me to make a second promise to myself: to be kind to every person I encounter—even after days of questing for a techie to solve problems that I’m incapable of describing without using phrases like “what-cha-ma-call-it” or “thing-a-ma-jig.”
I knew that I could occasionally come across as brash when I asserted myself. That made this second commitment essential for my effectiveness. (more…)
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What Holds People Back from Doing What They Want
“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” ~Unknown
I’ve spoken with a number of people recently who are doing something that is “just okay” with their lives but who really want to be doing something else. They feel an urgency to break free and go for it, even though they haven’t defined “it.”
I think a lot of people, if not currently there, understand this. It’s in our nature to move toward greater expression. When we’re not moving in a forward direction, we question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for.
And yet nothing changes.
Part of the issue is knowing where to start. The other part is fear of the unknown. Both can prevent you from committing. (more…)
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10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.” ~Unknown
We all face obstacles in pursuing our goals, whether they’re professional or personal.
We think we’re on the right track but realize we’ve chosen the wrong approach. We’re enthusiastic and hard-working, but our support system disintegrates when we need them the most. We’re just about to make significant progress when we run out of time or funding.
Tenacious as we may be, we all have our breaking points—that moment when the potential rewards stop justifying the effort. Usually, that’s the hump that separates your best shot and your best reality.
Before you throw in the towel and go back to something safe and far less taxing, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Why did you want to pursue this goal to begin with, and has anything changed?
You had a good reason for committing to this plan. Maybe you visualized a financially free future once you started this new business, or you realized you’d live longer and healthier if you lost forty pounds.
Odds are, you still want those things as much as you did before; you just stopped believing you could have them because your attempts have yet to yield results. Now you have to ask yourself: If you push through the discomfort, will it be worth it in the end?
2. Have you been operating with too much information?
With so much information at our fingertips on the good ole World Wide Web, it’s easy to overwhelm yourself with more knowledge than you can apply. You read e-books and blogs, participate in teleconferences and coaching sessions, and join user forums to talk about getting things done.
One of two things happen as a result: You spend more time planning to act than acting, or you devote minimal energy to multiple plans instead of committing to one solid approach. Instead of drowning in all the data, why not narrow it down and start again from a less overwhelming space?
3. Did you set a smart goal? SMART goals are:
- Specific—you know exactly what your world will look like when you achieve this goal.
- Measurable—you have a specific plan to mark your progress as you go.
- Attainable—you have the attitude and aptitude to make your goal reality.
- Realistic—you’re willing and able to do the required work.
- Time-bound—you’ve set a concrete timeframe for completion to create a sense of urgency.
If you didn’t set a SMART goal, you may have set yourself up for failure. How can you possibly make something happen if you don’t know exactly what you want, or didn’t really believe you could do it? Are you really willing to walk away when you didn’t give yourself every opportunity to succeed?
4. What’s the worst that will happen if you keep going and don’t reach your goal?
Often when I want to turn around it’s because I’m afraid of failing—afraid other people will be disappointed in me or judge me, or afraid I’ll have wasted my time. In all reality, no one ever judges us like we judge ourselves, and we always grow and learn through the process of striving, regardless of what we attain.
If you don’t keep going, you’ll never know how far you could have gone and you’ll miss out on being the person you’d become through the effort itself. If you do keep going, well, it’s like this quote: “Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.”
5. Are you afraid of succeeding?
One of my biggest problems is that I don’t like responsibility. There are many things I’d like to do, but I resist because I don’t want the power to impact, hurt, or disappoint other people. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have dreams. It’s just that I’m just scared of what achieving them will entail.
If you can relate to this feeling, perhaps you’ll respond well to the mantra I’ve been repeating: Great power comes with great responsibility, but it also brings great rewards. If you play it safe you won’t hurt or disappoint anyone, but you also won’t help or inspire anyone. And equally important, you won’t help or inspire yourself.
6. Are you acting on impulse or emotion instead of thinking things through?
Sometimes our emotions give us hints about what we want and what we should do, but other times they’re just responses to stress, and maybe even indications we’re on the right track. If you act in that moment of intense emotion—be it anger, fear, or frustration—you may regret it once the wave has passed.
So sit back. Take note of what you’re feeling. Feel it fully, without judging it or yourself. Then act when you’ve gotten to the other side. At least then you’ll know you made your decision in a moment of peace and clarity.
7. Would you enjoy giving a loved one the honest explanation for why you gave up?
And I mean honest.
Would you like telling your daughter, “I stopped trying to quit smoking because cigarettes are more important to me than having more golden years to spend with you?”
Would it be fun to tell your mother “I decided not to go to school because I’d rather spend all my time with my boyfriend of three months than prepare for a career that will ensure I won’t end up jobless and homeless?”
If you lay it out like this, odds are you’ll realize you had a really good reason for doing this difficult thing, and no matter how challenging the process is, it’s worth plowing ahead.
8. Would your life be better if you gave up on this goal?
This may not sound motivational, but sometimes giving up is actually good thing. Perhaps you set a completely unrealistic goal and the pursuit of it is filling you with a constant sense of inadequacy and anxiety. Or maybe the goal isn’t in your or your family’s best interest, and it’s better to get out before you invest so much time it’s near impossible to walk away.
You could easily use this as a justification to delude yourself, so think about it carefully. Is this goal really a good thing, when you weigh all the consequences of its fulfillment?
9. How much have you already put in?
A concept studied in social psychology called “the sunk cost principle” indicates the more we’ve invested in something, the less likely we are to prematurely walk away.
How invested are you? How much money and time have you devoted? How many sacrifices have you made? Are you really willing to chalk it all up as a loss because you’re not feeling confident in your abilities?
10. What would you tell someone else if they were in your shoes?
Would you tell your best friend to throw in the towel because she can’t possibly reach her goal? Or would you practice your finest motivational speech and help her see what you see in her potential? Unless you’re secretly a frenemy who hopes she fails in life, odds are you’d push her to be her best—so why not push yourself?
It may sound kind of cheesy, but you need to be your own best friend. You, more than anyone in this world, deserve your belief and motivation.
If you’ve gone through all these questions and still feel resolute about the decision to give up, you have my blessing to abandon your goal. (Bet you feel so relieved!)
If you don’t—if there’s some lingering doubt—keep working toward that dream that fills you with passion.
Take a different approach if you need to. Enlist new assistance. Scale back your time commitment to something you can more easily maintain. But whatever you do, don’t give yourself a reason to one day utter the words, “I quit because I was scared.”