Tiny Buddha

Tag: circumstances

  • That Big Life Change Won’t Be Satisfying If…

    That Big Life Change Won’t Be Satisfying If…

    “Nothing changes unless you do.” ~Unknown

    In the fall of September 2017, after one of the longest summers of event planning I could have imagined, I quit my job.

    As I proudly exited the workforce to pursue my creative talents as a writer, I looked confident and excited on the outside. Yet, in that moment and for the years to follow, I was terrified on the inside.

    Even though I’d exited my cubicle walls, head held high, the boundaries, fear, and rules of the office environment followed me around daily for over two and a half years.

    I was now my own boss, but I still had the same anxieties as I did when I was reporting to a superior, such as the fear of getting reprimanded for leaving early to work on my writing. I still got jumpy when I would attend a yoga class during “business hours,” or when I’d work on a passion project past 5:00 P.M.

    Maybe you’ve had something similar happen in your life, where you’ve changed circumstances on the outside, but on the inside something still just doesn’t feel right.

    Sometimes we do this in simple ways. For example, you’ve ever paid off a big credit card bill, then replaced it with the same amount of debt in another form a few months later. Each time I’ve done this, I’ve noticed there was an internal void I was looking to fill, such as buying new clothes to feel better about myself, or the seventh pair of yoga pants to try to fit in at my new studio.

    Or maybe you’ve ditched an unhealthy habit, such as eating ice cream treat every day after dinner, only to pick up another one, like the habit of meticulously counting calories. I’ve even quit watching TV before, just to replace that time with scrolling Instagram and getting caught in a new comparison loop.

    If any of these examples sound familiar to you, there’s a chance you’ve recreated a problem with a new face, likely because you weren’t ready to face the issue hidden underneath it.

    I’ve found that if we make a big external change without giving ourselves space to reflect, we usually don’t change internally. It’s much harder to change deeply ingrained fears and beliefs than it is to change our circumstances.

    I believe it’s not so much change itself we fear, but rather the spacious in-between phases of our lives, when we’re forced to face ourselves. But if we don’t face ourselves, we might not even realize how we’re stuck.

    I assumed I was a proud, independent freelance writer working on her own terms just because I’d finally quit my job and taken the leap.

    I had to learn to sit within the uncomfortable sensation of non-busyness, to gain a bird’s-eye perspective on my life to see this wasn’t the case at all. I was still battling anxieties, fears, and approval metrics that I carried with me from full-time life and likely my entire academic career.

    If you think you might be stuck internally, despite changing your life externally, ask yourself these three questions:

    1. Do you feel the same as you did before?

    If you are experiencing the same emotions day after day, like anxiety, fear, or stagnation, it’s possible your problem is still hanging around in a new format.

    When I left my nine-to-five job, my anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies came with me. With these unresolved issues, I recreated the situations I despised in my old office. I treated every client like a boss whose approval I needed to win over instead of taking ownership of healing my issues and becoming my own boss.

    2. Are you still looking for something external to validate you or make you happy?

    If you’ve jumped from one big life change to another, you may be focusing on externals to avoid the uncomfortable sensations we experience in the gap of change.

    For example, if you’ve just finished yoga teacher training, then promptly decided to become a Pilates instructor (something I’ve done!), it’s possible you are filling your empty spaces with achievements to avoid looking deeper into what’s missing in your life.

    When I went from RYT-200 yoga teacher training, straight into Pilates Mat I, I was hoping to feel like I was advancing in life even when my career was stuck. When I looked within, I realized I needed to work on nurturing a sense of self-pride that didn’t depend on constant advancement.

    Now, when I feel like I’m not good enough, I make a list of things I’ve accomplished to date, and this helps me remember I don’t need to run toward anything else.

    3. Is there a core wound you need to address?

    Healing my need for external validation is an ongoing journey. In fact, I wrote about it for Tiny Buddha in 2013. 

    If the universe is giving you variations of similar problems, it’s so you can discover and move past your underlying issue. Once you’ve acknowledged the wound and what’s driving you, such as the need for approval, you can begin to see your external experiences with new eyes and make the appropriate shifts to move past this pattern for good.

    It’s only when we take the space to fly high above our lives in contemplation, that we can see what we’ve truly been searching to heal this whole time.

    Once I understood that my need for external validation was driving my day-to-day business actions, I was able to take a step back and evaluate why I was running my business.

    After I got super clear on my mission and the way I wanted to show up in the world, I was able to fully step out of the cubicle and into my own power. I no longer handed out permission to other people to dictate how I would run my business or my life.

    I believe there are certain roadblocks and issues that we are destined to overcome, like discovering why we feel the need to check our social media pages on the hour or disappear into Netflix for a weekend, or even keep dating the same person.

    These issues aren’t meant to deter us from our path; rather, they come up again and again to make sure we heal our underlying issues so we can stay on our path.

  • How to Rise Above Difficult Circumstances and Be Happy

    How to Rise Above Difficult Circumstances and Be Happy

    Rise Up

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

    I first got wind of this transformative concept when I was a teenager reading Man’s Search For Meaning.

    It has played beautifully into what has become my life theme: how people transcend their adversities. I’ve forever been inspired by how (some) people can go through so much and yet be able to rise above and live well. I call it living well despite…

    It seems to boil down to something beyond circumstance and external situations. Because, as we all know, there are so many people who have gone through terrible situations and yet manage to be upbeat and strong, and push forward in their lives; and yet others who sink into perpetual disappointment and despair. It seems to be a natural tendency to go one way or the other.

    When I went through some of my darkest times—having a child born with disabilities and having the same child go through a year-long near-fatal medical crisis, whose outcome was nothing short of miraculous—it was Viktor Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” that I kept going back to, and that definitely helped me stay afloat and cope well.

    With my former dark time, I fell pretty deep into despair, and only with the intense help of a gifted therapist was I able to get through the initial grief and grow into my new reality.

    With the latter situation, I incorporated specific actions and thought patterns to help me along the terrifying year of my daughter’s life-threatening illness.

    What makes some become better and some bitter?

    I now have a new piece of fascinating information that ties in to my life theme.

    I recently completed a certificate program in positive psychology. There is much proven research on just how much we can do to give ourselves that meaningful and joyful life we all naturally want; or I should say, that happiness we are all after.

    Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and researcher in the field of happiness and well-being, came up with a pie chart representation showing the three determinants of happiness. Lo and behold, circumstance is the smallest piece of the pie, at only a 10% contributor to our happiness.

    Our genes make up 50%. And here’s the most powerful and influential piece of the pie: our behavior, our intentional activities, make up 40% of our happiness. This can really be the make-or-break part.

    This means there’s a lot we can do to increase our life satisfaction, above and beyond our circumstances, negative as they may be.

    So yes, we can rise above our difficult situations and we can become better, by first and foremost recognizing and acknowledging that we are not victims but rather active players and creators of our playing field, and then by intentionally reconstructing our views.

    Purpose

    As Nietzsche wrote, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how.” We always need a reason to go on, especially when the road is slippery under our feet. It’s all too easy to fall and succumb. But just having this stick to hold onto to guide us can keep us on the path.

    When my daughter was in a rehab hospital for nine months, what got me up each and every morning was the explicit purpose of being by her side as a cheerleader, encouraging her on her tough fight and climb up the mountain of human functions—from lifting her finger to walking again. It was a very steep ascent, one that entailed lots of grueling work.

    Benefit-Finder

    It seems to be human nature to have a slant toward the negative. It’s very easy to spot the faults and issues in things. The good news is that even if we weren’t born a glass-half-full person, we can train ourselves to see more of the positive.

    It’s about what we focus on. What do you hone in on—the rose or the thorn? When we take in the beauty of the rose, we start to notice other beauty around us. More comes into our purview.

    Positive psychology professor, Tal Ben-Shahar states, “When you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”

    Permission to be Human

    This means allowing ourselves to feel the gamut of emotions—the unpleasant ones that sometimes drive us to suppress them by numbing means, and the good ones.

    Restricting the flow of painful feelings impedes the flow of the positive ones, for human emotions all flow through the same pipeline. We are blessed with a rich emotional make-up. We need to give ourselves permission to feel. This helps create a rich, authentic life.

    Once we are aware of our feelings, we can then choose how we act and respond.

    Choose to Choose

    At every moment we have a choice. Are we even aware of this? We can choose to take things for granted or appreciate the good; we can choose to view failure as a catastrophe or as a learning opportunity; we can choose to succumb or make the best of what happens.

    We can walk in the street with our head down (in our phones) or look up and smile at people, which sends in and out positivity.

    “Things don’t necessarily happen for the best, but some people are able to make the best of things that happen.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar

    So, when the rough times come or the bad things happen, are we able to find or make some good? Can we find the silver lining? Can we look to make lemonade out of lemons?

    When adversity hits, we can become better; we can rise above; we can even grow beyond and do things we never thought we could. We now know it’s more in our power than we may like to believe.

    It may sometimes feel easier to be a victim, but it’s certainly not a role that leads to a fulfilling, satisfying, and meaningful life.

    Our choices, both concrete and attitudinal, make up this 40% of the pie, and this can make us better above and beyond the other half.

    Photo by Llima Orosa

  • What Babies Teach Us About Self-Image and Letting Go

    What Babies Teach Us About Self-Image and Letting Go

    Baby

    “The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The nurse found me slumped behind the soda machine.

    “Honey, are you okay?” she asked, brow crinkled in nervous response to my (apparently louder than I’d realized) sobs.

    I nodded, answering in messy sniffles. The nurse, not entirely convinced, assured me that if I needed anything, she’d be at the desk just around the corner.

    I remained crouched in my not-so-perfect hiding place a while longer, waiting until my breaths no longer shook to trudge back to my mom’s hospital room. The news was not going to be fun to break.

    I was officially a deadbeat.

    For context, I’ve lived most of my life as a success junkie. I was the token overachiever during every year of education, at every job, in every hobby; being impressive was my forte.

    My general mindset was that success is good, so those who succeed are worthy, while failure is bad, so those who fail are unworthy.

    This mindset fueled plenty of remarkable endeavors—some thrilling and fun, some terrifying and painful—all of which were tied to my own self-image.

    I’d just left a dream job in music marketing, which had only developed after years of radio programming and slow, meticulous relationship-building with industry contacts.

    I’d worked my butt off at that position, trading unlimited access to up-and-coming music and a constantly revolving social life of shows, happy hours, festivals, hangouts with bands, and client dinners for adequate sleep/nutrition/self-care. (This workaholic behavior made me worthy.)

    After ultimately deciding that music marketing wasn’t the core around which I wanted to build my life, I’d begun revisiting my previously abandoned plans to live and work abroad.

    I’d applied, applied, and applied for jobs throughout Asia, finally accepting a position in South Korea. (Quitters are unworthy; a next step in place kept me safe and still worthy.)

    I’d somehow worked up the courage to notify my bosses, go public with the decision, and pack up the life I’d built from scratch over the past five years. (This made me crazy, but with a next step firmly in place, I stillremained “worthy.”)

    Then, during my final week in the office, I’d received the news that my mom had cancer. And so I quickly found myself on a plane back to the Midwest, where, thankfully, I was able to support her through the surgery and recovery process.

    Now, however, here I was mere hours after her operation: crumpled behind a soda machine, trying to process the phone call with the Korean Consulate that had just shattered my worthiness in a span of about five minutes.

    “Miss Suellentrop, there is a problem with your paperwork. You’ll have to mail us XYZ additional forms if you want to apply for a work visa. We’ll have them processed by next month.”

    But my start date is in two weeks—I can’t miss it!

    “Then I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to take the job.”

    And that was that. A handful of sentences had taken away my employment, my painstakingly laid plans for the next twelve months—and my fragile self-image right along with them.

    You willingly abandoned your edgy, cool life on the East Coast, I told myself. You are a failure. 

    You quit your secure, impressive job. You are a failure.

    Everyone will know you’re a deadbeat stuck in a suburban town. You are a failure.

    You’re balled up behind a soda machine and haven’t showered since Monday. YOU ARE A FAILURE.

    I shuffled back to the room to share the update with my family, voice choked with embarrassment—both from the fact that I now had no job in place, and from the fact that while I was suffering an identity crisis based on outward appearances, Mom was recovering from major invasive surgery. In the spectrum of tough-to-handle circumstances, cancer tends to trump most other things.

    After a few moments of quiet, my beloved, endlessly wise, still heavily medicated mother said, “Claire, when babies fart, they don’t freak out or worry that they aren’t good babies. They feel it, they let it happen, and then they let it go.”

    They let it go.

    When circumstances beyond our control make life smelly, we don’t need to hold onto them any longer than a baby holds on to its farts.

    Rather than allowing those circumstances to define who we are, all we need to do is acknowledge the thoughts and emotions they trigger, accept that they’re happening, and let them go.

    Stifling the emotions that spring forth won’t ease the situation—when is holding gas in ever the more comfortable option?

    Emotions are nothing more than the results of the thoughts you’re having about the circumstance. Like gas, they’re just noise passing through. Feel them, as fully as you can, and then they’ll be able to fade.

    Pretending the circumstance isn’t happening is equally as fruitless. You can pretend all you want that you didn’t let one rip, but the room will still reek. It’s just an event that occurred—something totally neutral and temporary. It doesn’t mean a thing.

    Why try to label yourself by something ethereal, something brief?

    Feeling bad does not make you a bad person, and receiving embarrassing news or an unexpected result from a long-held plan does not mean you are unworthy.

    You are not the air escaping from your body, you are not the job you no longer have, you are not the possessions you do or do not own. You are just you, and only you. Let the rest of it go.

    If you find yourself reeling from an outside event or rushing to block out an unwanted wave of emotion, pause for a second.

    Identify whether you’re trying to hold something in, pretend it doesn’t exist, or let it define you.

    Once you’ve got that down, revert back to your baby self:

    Feel it. Let it happen. And let it go.

    Photo by didi8

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Choices

    Tiny Wisdom: On Choices

    “We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” -Sogyal Rinpoche

    Nothing is as discouraging as feeling you don’t have a choice—that you’re trapped in a situation you can’t change, with a person who won’t change, or with feelings about yourself that you’ve stopped believing you can change.

    We’ve all been there before.

    We’ve accepted thankless jobs just to make ends meet. We’ve hurt or watched friends hurting, feeling powerless to end the pain. We’ve waited for love, or mourned unrequited love, or wondered if it was really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

    We’ve all felt helpless before, and we’ll all be there at some point again—yet we have far more power than we think.

    We can’t always control our circumstances, but we can shape them with our actions. We can’t always save the people around us, but we can support them with our love and attention. We can’t always create a world that feels safe, but we can choose how to experience it with our thoughts.

    Every day we have limitless choices, thousands of mini-opportunities to live a peaceful, empowered life.

    What choices will you make today?

    photo by jaitra.gillespie