Tag: choices

Making Difficult Choices: 6 Helpful Tips

“You are your choices” ~Seneca

It was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life. And on the surface of it, it most definitely was:

Delicious food? Check. Glorious sunshine? Check. Excited guests? Check. Radiantly happy couple? Umm…rain check?

I hadn’t chosen him. He had been chosen for me. I had agreed to the marriage without a doubt, but as I stared down at my henna-painted hands adorned with gold of the 24-carat nature, I felt poor. I felt cheated. I felt like the victim of my own decisions.

The heavy fog of doubt started to cloud over my heart. I cannot go through with this marriage.

I hadn’t even changed out of my wedding clothes, and yet I’d already made the decision to end my marriage. But how? It was clear to me that my family would not approve.

Their disappointment would only be the start. I would be disowned. I’d be shunned from the community and would be more alone than ever.

Or would I?

Despite being full of fear, I had to find the courage to take the first steps in starting the ending. I waited for the courage to come. I waited for quite some time. It didn’t arrive.

Courage is a combination of many things: perspective, introspection, relentlessness, intention. Courage comes after the act.

So instead, I pictured how my life would look 20 years later, in a marriage that had not flourished, after a decision that had not served me. The image of a life I didn’t want fueled the momentum toward what I did want.

And so it was up to me to take the first steps. I had made my choice. And that choice manifested itself in many life lessons that I apply to this very day.

Accounting for the perspective of everyone is paralyzing. We must own the choices we make. Boldness itself is a conscious choice. These tips may help you make it.

1. Feel present.

Yes, you have to deal with the consequences of your choices, but you cannot control what happens as events unfold. It likely won’t be anywhere near as bad as you worry it may be.

My family did not disown me. They supported me in ways I had only secretly imagined.

Focus on what you can control—what you do now.

2. Feel bold.

Once you make the decision, it’s made. Once you take, action, it’s done. Not everybody will agree with you. But you agree with you. And that’s a start.

3. Feel thankful.

I could have been living in a country where marriage laws were gender-biased, where my decision could have remained in my heart and not realized. But I was in a country where the law was on my side, irrelevant of my gender. I had an education; I had the freedom to choose. So many do not have the same opportunity.

4. Feel contagious.

That one bold move I made was not the only one in my life. That’s the thing with taking deliberate action; it becomes addictive. It bursts into other areas of your life—your job, your health, your relationships. It becomes a habit.

5. Feel united.

There is a difference between thinking you can do something alone and realizing you don’t have to. Those that loved me guided my heart. They held me when I was afraid. They strengthened me when I felt defeated.

Remember, you’re not alone with your choice.

6. Feel original.

Doing everything by the book isn’t always advised. Rules have been written for people who choose to follow them. Are you one of those people? Which rules are you going to challenge?

What you do defiantly today could impact the decision someone else makes tomorrow.

What audacious action are you willing to take? Big or small? Right now?

Photo by mrhayata

May 29, 2013
What To Do When You Don’t Know What to Do

“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” ~Chinese Proverb

Here’s the thing: I don’t know what to do.

About this thing, about that thing. About big things and small things.

About anything.

Actually, to be honest, even the smallest thing seems big when I don’t know what to do about it. The state of “not knowing what to do” is like some kind of Miracle Grow for small things in my mind.

This is not a new thing. Not knowing what to do is a particular and well-honed talent of mine. I can even juggle several not knowing what-to-dos at once.

For example, at the moment I don’t know whether to go away with my friends this weekend or not. And if I do will I take the train? Or get a lift?

I don’t know whether to take that new job. And if I do, when should I start it? What about all those other job offers that will flood through the door the minute I say yes to this one?

I don’t know whether to start the diet tomorrow. Or today. Or next week. Or not at all. I don’t know whether to call my counselor or ride this one out alone.

I don’t know what is best, what is right. I don’t know what I want to do.

Do you know what else I don’t know? I don’t know what to do about not knowing what to do.

And whenever I feel like this (which is not always, but often), I start not knowing what to do about things I did know what to do about before. Things I had already made decisions on, things I felt excited and sure about before, now feel wobbly and wrong. Even though I know the decisions felt right when I made them.

My brain starts questioning it all: What if I didn’t really know what to do then either, and just decided on something that wasn’t really the right thing to do after all? What if it turns out to be “wrong”? What if I acted on impulse and didn’t think it all through properly?

It’s like I’m mourning all the other possible options that will never, ever happen now because I didn’t choose them.

The little voice in my head chides me: If you choose option a, then such and such might happen, which could lead to x and then that may mean y. Had I known in the beginning about y, maybe I wouldn’t have chosen that original thing. Or would I? How do I know?

And this uncertainty, the worry, the anxiety, the not knowing, it isn’t picky. It doesn’t just stick to the thing I’m not sure about. It leaks. It seeps into everything else, so instead of feeling uncertain or anxious about one thing in particular, about one decision specifically, I feel anxious, uncertain, and worried full stop. I forget what started it. I just feel it.

I feel it in my chest, near my heart. In my throat. It feels like guilt, muddled with regret, with overtones of panic and an undercurrent of fear. It feels hard and cold, like a vice-like grip.

And I don’t like it. But I just don’t know what to do about it. So I do nothing. Except worry and be anxious that doing nothing is not the right thing to do. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and it’s totally and utterly unproductive.

And the only thing that makes it stop? Is to just decide and do something. To just do anything.

And the only way to know what to do? Well actually, there is no answer to that one.

Other than to not worry about worrying. To not feel anxious about feeling anxious. To accept that there is no right answer.

To breathe. To try to feel beyond the worry, to try to feel the answer rather than (over) think it.

To stop trying to second-guess every possible outcome of every possible decision. To stop trying to control and account for every accountability. It just isn’t possible.

To trust.

I can’t know what will happen. I can’t know how I will feel about any of it. I can’t know whether the decision I make is any better or worse than any other decision I could have made because I am only ever going to experience the one path I do choose.

So I can only react with what I have, what I know, and how I feel, right here and right now. And I don’t need to know how to do that; I just need to do it. I just need to allow it to happen.

Back to my decisions. Well, I still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what the “right” thing is.

But maybe that’s not so much of a problem after all.

Because I do know what the wrong thing is. And that’s to make no decision at all. Even if the decision I make is not to decide just yet—that is still a decision. Own it.

A friend once said to me, “Whenever the time is right, it will be the right time.” It helps me relax about my decisions.

I often wonder: Am I the only one like this? I don’t know that either, but if you’re with me:

Stop thinking it through. Stop making up what might happen. Because that’s what’s happening here, you’re just making it up. Just make the decision instead and enjoy the ride. Whatever it turns out to be, it doesn’t really matter—you can change it later if you really have to.

Whatever the decision is, just make it. What’s the worst that can happen, really?

Just make the decision and then be glad you did. Enjoy the freedom and the relief that follows.

Enjoy the present, indecision free. Because while you’re busy worrying about what might happen tomorrow, guess what? You’re missing out on all the great stuff happening today.

So just decide. Just relax.

Want to know the good news? The decision thing is just as leaky as the indecision thing.

Once I get going again, I know there’ll be no stopping me. I’ll breeze through decisions that floored me before. I’ll put those small things back in their place. And if it feels wrong, I’ll change it. I won’t worry about it. Things that felt a bit wrong and weird before just won’t matter anymore.

I won’t know where this whole confident, decision making thing came from. I’ll just feel it.

I’ll feel it in my chest, near my heart. It will feel like contentment, embracing joy, tickled with peace and flavored with lightness. It will feel soft and warm, like molten honey trickling through my veins. It will make me smile.

And I will love it. And I will do all I can to hold on to it.

That I do know.

So let’s just get started. Let’s just relax. Let’s just decide. And let’s never look back.

Photo by J. Tegnerud

May 9, 2013
Making Tough Decisions: 7 Steps to Hear Your Own Inner Wisdom

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~ Cicero

“I don’t know what to do.” “I can’t figure it out.” “How do I know which choice to make?” “Which one is right for me?”

Sound like someone you know? Here’s one thing I know for sure: You’ve got the power. You’ve got the love.

You’ve got the innate talent—you gorgeous, loveable soul—to know without a doubt what is right for you. You’ve got the power to know what to do, to figure it out, to know which choice to make. Your soul is calling. And all you need to do is listen.

At one time not so long ago my innate talent was ignoring my soul. I had developed an acute ability for lasering ahead no matter what my essential self was saying—even when it was “Wrong way!”

I set goals and made plans and went for it no matter what—and soon I was a stressed-out, exhausted insomniac. So that was fun.

In fact, fun was exactly what was missing from my life. I put external touchstones ahead of inner happiness. I let my ego tell me what to do, based on what I thought the standards for success were.

I bought into the mantra: Work, work, work and then work more. You can enjoy your life when you’re retired. It was no wonder my entire system went into revolt; it’s no wonder our systems do that. They’re designed to tell us when we’re off track.

They’re designed to tell us when we’re on track, too. It’s like magic—except scientifically-proven. The verbal part of our brain processes about forty bits of information per second. That’s pretty impressive.

The non-verbal part of our brain processes about eight to eleven million bits of information per second. Eight to eleven million!

That means that the thoughts we hear from the verbal part of our brain actually know less than the physical sensations and emotions that we feel coming from the non-verbal part of our brain.

So if “I don’t want to make this one choice but everyone tells me I should” seems logical, but every physical sensation or emotion about it just feels so wrong, it probably is. Wrong, that is.

Wondering how to tap into your own innate talent for knowing how to live the life that’s right for you and be who you want to be? Start small.

7 Steps for Hearing Your Own Inner Wisdom

1. Start small.

Begin with simply noticing physical sensations. Check in with your body from time to time. What physical sensations are you noticing right now?

2. Fine tune.

Once you start to check in with your body, you’ll probably also notice emotions, and associations with whether or not the emotions you’re feeling are good or bad. It’s normal—but in this case it’s not all that helpful. Keep on fine-tuning your radar until you’re paying attention to only physical sensations.

3. Benchmark your “yes.”

Make a list of times that you knew things were right for you, or felt that things were exactly as they were meant to be, really great, going well, etc. Then do a body scan: What physical sensations do you feel? Write ‘em down and then label them.

4. Benchmark your “no.”

Make a list of times that you knew things were not right for you, or felt that things were not as they were meant to be, not going great or well, etc. Then do a body scan: What physical sensations do you feel? Write ‘em down and then label them.

5. Practice.

You’ve just created your body compass. Using it is fun. Orange or apple? Imagine making each choice and then see what physical sensations come up—closer to “yes” or closer to “no”?

6. Trust.

The verbal part of your brain might come up with all sorts of reasons why you shouldn’t trust your body compass. Practicing on the little things helps to build up enough trust to use it on the big decisions.

7. Live it in the moment.

Once you’ve got your compass down pat, keep on using it. Living it in the moment is about remembering your innate talent for knowing, and using it with reckless abandon and firm intention.

What’s your inner wisdom telling you?

Photo by mynameisharsha

April 17, 2013
Releasing Expectations: 4 Ways To Live Your Life for You

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.” ~Raymond Hull

I tell people my 30s were for being married. This is a slight exaggeration, since I’m 39 now and single. However, I married at 30, divorced at 34, married again at 36, and divorced again at almost 39.

Both of the men were great guys. I meant well, each time. I went into each relationship with the intention I’d want to continue it.

Crap happens.

To many people this information is no big deal. I certainly didn’t think it was any big deal. However, I’ve been very surprised at how much judgment some people respond with when they learn I’ve been divorced twice.

There was the acquaintance who informed me it was okay to be divorced twice but that three times would be unacceptable (I guess to him?); there was the “friend” who informed me she didn’t want to hang out anymore because I did not “respect” marriage. (I heard from mutual friends she and her own husband split soon after.)

I’ve suspected that people who do respond with judgment do so, in part, because they expect a response from me that I do not offer. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed; I am not regretful, I have no excuses, and I am not blaming the men. I am simply stating a fact and owning it with great comfort.

My theory is that the judgers are uncomfortable because I do not meet their expectations of how I should live my life and how I should feel about my life experiences.

How often are we attempting to live up to the expectations of others without even realizing it?

Through self-questioning and introspection, we can learn a lot about ourselves, and if (or how much) we are unconsciously making decisions based on others’ expectations. Here are 4 suggestions of ways to do this:

1. Ask yourself, “What are the reasons I want this goal or made this decision?”

Sounds simple, right? Actually, it’s sometimes surprising how little we know about the reasons we’ve made the decisions we have. Dig in a little, be inquisitive, and ask follow-up questions to your initial questions. (more…)

April 1, 2013
How Are You Using Your 86,400 Seconds?

“Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” ~Theophrastus

Don’t we all wish we had more time? Time to spend with loved ones. Time to finish solving a problem. Time to eat, pray, love. Time to exercise more. Time to travel to all the continents on the globe.

Time to finish that project. Time to take that diving course, yoga class, or self-improvement seminar. Time to chat with our grandparents. Time to visit an old friend.

Time to aid the poor. Time to listen to the news. Time to challenge yourself. Time to meditate. Time to do volunteer work. Time to listen to a friend in need. Time to have dinner with your partner. Time to have dinner with your family.

Time to be adventurous, time to parachute, time to pray and to play, time to listen within, time to cook wholesome meals, time to do nothing, and time to do everything.

Time to feel what you really feel. Time to dream and time to be.

I know I’ve spent a lot of time doing the wrong things and making mistakes. But even so, I’ve learned something from all of it. That in itself means it wasn’t so wrong after all.

I also spent a lot of time thinking of what little time I had and how I wished I had more. Not so good if all it does is stress you out.

However, if it compels you to take charge and make a plan for how to reach all those wonderful dreams and goals, then it’s a good thing. I’m getting there, falling and getting up again. “Losing” time along the way.

I read this analogy about time once. Imagine there is a bank that every morning deposits $86,400 into your account. And every day it happens over and over again. The only catch, according to this idea, is that you cannot save that particular deposit until the next day.

The $86,400 you get in the morning is gone in the evening. You can’t use any of it in advance and you can’t pile it up.

What would you do? Would you think carefully about how you’d use it every day? (more…)

February 26, 2013
Start Building Confidence in Yourself Without Trying to Be Perfect

“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

I know now that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t even have to try to be perfect. I used to think that things did not come to me because I did not try hard enough. Not true!

The truth was, I was sabotaging myself.

In college in Switzerland, instead of going to that school event or even answering the people who tried to talk to me, I shut myself down and ignored people.

I was afraid of being rejected so I rejected life first. I did not think that I had anything to offer the world. I wasted a tremendous opportunity to see that world and meet unique people.

It was only when I graduated that I realized that everything I wanted was knocking at my door, and I was choosing not to answer. Then I knew I had to change.

I had to find something to believe in—and I was that something. I also ultimately had to forgive myself for repressing myself for so long. This is a journey that I am still on.

I destroyed my early journals, wrought with misdirected messages, but writing once again became my resolve. A chance reading of a book on Zen changed my outlook as I began to meditate and calm my mind.

Meditation is so powerful; it allows you to embody you, as you are. You see and feel yourself, and know deep down that you are alright. From that place of peace you can find the seeds of change.

From there I started to build my life. I joined an amateur theater company, found a job I loved, got into and finished graduate school, and began to write on a new blog. Now I have to the bravery of self-reflection, the support of friends around the world, and the beginnings of my PhD in Humanities.

I am far from perfect, but I am happy. (more…)

February 21, 2013
Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”

“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

Like so many others, I am a recent college graduate who is still living at my parents’ house and working my minimum wage high school job as I scour the web for opportunities and get one rejection email after another.

However, I don’t know how many others I can speak for when I say that I didn’t see this coming.

I graduated with a nursing degree and heard from more than a few people in the field that there was a shortage and jobs were plentiful. I had no back-up plan because I was so sure my Plan A would work out.

I was essentially blind-sided each and every time I got a rejection email because it meant I still had no direction.

The most terrifying part of all of this, though, isn’t the uncertainty about the future and complete lack of any idea where I’ll be six months or a year from now. Although it is pretty scary at times, there’s also an excitement to not having committed to a career yet and being able to have these kinds of options.

But of course I haven’t acted on them because the primary, overwhelming fear du jour is that of making the “wrong” choice.

One of the most freeing moments of my post-grad life was when I realized that no one can say what is the “right” or “wrong” decision for me.

What’s right for so many people (getting a job, getting engaged, putting down roots in one place) is certainly not right for me, at least not right now. So what’s to say what I want to do is any crazier?

Just because it’s not what someone else would do, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

And even if it doesn’t necessarily create a linear path from where I am now to where I think I want to be ten years from now (flight nursing in Seattle, in case you were wondering), who’s to say that where I think I want to be in the future is best or where I should be anyway? (more…)

November 19, 2012
Owning Our Actions and Avoiding Regret

“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

I’d bet I’m not the only one who browses through the quotes section of Tiny Buddha when its time for a pick-me-up or a little bit of a calming down.

As I’m writing this, the quote above is particularly pertinent. I found out an hour ago that someone has hit my car for the second time this year—in the same parking lot as the last accident.

I’m pretty upset, and between waiting to file the police report and being on hold with the insurance, a little bit of comfort reading made sense.

I know this quote. Really, really know it. It’s part of the liturgy from my old sangha, from before I moved to a small town where there isn’t such a thing.

My actions are my only true belongings. In the liturgy it’s followed by the logical next step: I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

And the final line always made me want to shout out loud, to proclaim it from the rooftops: My actions are the ground on which I stand.

This is where I make my stand. On the ground of my actions.

Whatever my thoughts are, however my mind drifts, that’s okay. I don’t have to worry about being perfect at meditation, about having a clear, peaceful mind.

I’m a terrible mediator. Thoughts flow in and out of my mind. It doesn’t take but a minute of silence before I’m thinking about tonight’s dinner and wondering what I need to get from the store.

I’m not particularly skilled in the other paths. Right speech is an ongoing challenge.

There’s something liberating in not having to worry about always being in control of my slippery, wandering mind. Thought is hard to corral, hard to train.

Action is a bit different.

That’s something you can get a handle on. You don’t have to worry too much about shades of grey with actions. You did it, or you didn’t.

It’s not about intention, or thoughts, or feelings. It’s about actions. What you actually do.

I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

We’ve all learned about consequences from the time we were five. Somewhere along the way we stole a cookie or lied about breaking something or made up some random fib and were grounded. Consequences are something we may not like, but we understand.

My actions, and the consequences of my actions, are my only true belongings.

Even if I’m angry, what actions do I want to own at the end of today? I could yell and scream about this. I could go off on a rant at the guy who hit my car, if we can find him. (more…)

October 3, 2012
When You Fear Making the “Wrong” Decision

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

For the past three weeks, I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to move to Korea for a year. Some days I’ve completely made up my mind to take the trip. I get excited about teaching myself Korean and spend hours and hours online learning about the culture.

Other days, I’m an emotional wreck, terrified that I’m making the wrong decision.

What if I get homesick? What if I’m supposed to be doing something else? What if I don’t like kimchi? What if? What if? What if?

And then there are those days where my mind resists all attempts to make any kind of decision at all. I’m immobilized, unable to push through the debilitating fear.

Being the self-reflective (over-analyzer) type that I am, I decided to dig deep within myself to find the root of this pesky little emotion that has been sabotaging my efforts to move forward, or in any direction, for that matter.

I realized that the issue isn’t about being afraid to go to Korea. The real issue is that I have an overall fear of making the “wrong” decisions in my life.

Interestingly enough, I also realized that this brand of fear directly coincides with my decision to live a more purposeful and spiritually centered life.

(Record stops.)

Huh? I embarked upon this journey hoping to find inner peace, bliss, rainbows, and unicorns, and I actually seem to be experiencing more negative emotions than before. Seems counter-intuitive, right?

Not exactly. (more…)

July 16, 2012
Why You Have 43 More Choices That Matter in Life (or Not)

“Life is the sum of all your choices.” ~Albert Camus

Ever wondered what might have been?

Ever thought about where and who you’d be if only you’d done something differently, gone somewhere else, chosen something or someone else?

Probably so, if you’re like most.

But have you ever imagined where you might go and what you might still become, with the choices you yet have left?

My friends and I were hanging out not too long ago, before I moved away from them (totally escaping their awesome grasp) to start a new life of sorts in this surface-of-sun-like heat of Austin. (I’m not used to it yet, possibly because I’m convinced one of these days I’ll walk outside and spontaneously combust.)

Anyway, we were doing what we often do—making fun of the university we went to, when someone asked where else I could have gone. What other schools could I have chosen instead?

The question pretty much weirded me out right away.

I mean, it’s a reasonable question, I guess—except for the fact that I had never thought about it before. It’s like I had completely forgotten how close I was to having a very different life.

It seems I had only ever thought of whether I should have gone to college at all—not whether I should have gone somewhere else. For this odd reason it was a little unsettling (the next day, when I actually had the time to consider it).

It isn’t simply a question of the pros and cons of the different places I turned down and the one I ultimately chose, but of what my life would be now if I had done so.

Where would I be?

What would I be?

Who would I be?

And I didn’t like it. I realized the strange irony of it—sitting there joking with my friends about the school we went to. (more…)

June 26, 2012
Sometimes There Is No Right Way

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

I was raised in a home where a very common phrase was, “There’s a right way and a wrong way.”

The right way was the way my parents wanted things done. There were a great many rules surrounding the right way for nearly everything, in an attempt to ensure that we got it right, and, when the rules weren’t enough to enforce the rightness of our behavior, there were punishments, harsh words, and sometimes very public humiliation.

I’ve spent most of my adult life learning to deal with the fallout of this type of ingrained thinking, once important for emotional survival and physical safety, but no longer useful.

I work, now, to examine the precepts I live by, and whether they are helping me toward my goal of living a peaceful and conscious life. But there can still be some pretty huge blind spots in my view of things—places where I, myself, still expect those around me to conform to my concept of what is right.

Three years ago, when I began to practice the base principles of radical unschooling, I fell headlong into one of these traps. It caused a great deal of pain, and nearly cost me my oldest and dearest friend.

We altered the way in which we interacted with our children from an authoritarian style to a partnership model. And I decided I would be a missionary for every other family who showed a glimmer of dissension (as all families, even mine, do, sometimes).

I had found a piece that was missing from the puzzle of my own life, and I was awed by the rapid and wonderful changes I saw within my family once I placed it.

I hadn’t yet learned that zeal and epiphanies in our lives can also be pitfalls; that not everyone will benefit from what benefits us. I was certain my way was perfect and even necessary—for everyone. (more…)

May 7, 2012
Why Too Much Choice is Stressful and 7 Simple Ways to Limit It

“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

When I bought my car, I visited only one showroom. I’d made the decision that this was the car for me in around one hour, and chose not to spend more hours or days of my time going from one place to another to check other deals and different cars.

If I hadn’t have found this car, I would have gone to another dealer. However, I’ll never know if I could have saved money by haggling elsewhere, and I don’t care.

I’ve had my trusty and reliable vehicle for over six years now and so far, I’ve never had to pay more than general maintenance and upkeep. So it was worth every penny.

You may be shocked that I made such a large and important purchase in this manner (and I’m not a wealthy person by any means). But I was confident it was a good deal when I found it and it’s never let me down.

I now make most of my purchases like this. I’ll give myself a single option (like shopping at just one store), or will limit them (such as browsing four vacation brochures instead of fifteen), and once I’m happy with the decision, I’ll stick with it.

Why? Because I think too much choice is stressful. And you can quite literally send yourself crazy with it, like I did.

Choice anxiety!

At one time, my need to “shop around” and my desire to keep options open before making decisions was bordering on obsessive. I dithered. I wore myself out. I got confused, and even anxious, when I needed to buy stuff, even if it was just a new winter coat. (more…)

February 7, 2012
On Tough Choices: How to Make Peace with Your Decision

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” ~Unknown

After four years, four months and seven days of a long distance relationship with a mountain guide (between my NYC apartment and Maine, northern New Hampshire, Jackson Hole, WY, and various other parts of mountainous America), I was at the end of my rope, so to speak.

Being slightly older than him, and much less capable of handling the gaps of two to five weeks between seeing each other, I suddenly felt a strong urge to move on. I was craving the next part of my life, whether with him, or without.

For months leading up to September 21st, 2011, I was constantly wanting more from him and blaming him when he couldn’t or wouldn’t give it. To me, “more” meant traveling more to see me, spending more time and arguing less when we were together (despite the immense amount of pressure I put on every visit), and communicating with me more often when we were apart.

Constantly terrified I would lose him, I was hanging on to something I wasn’t sure I wanted, or perhaps wanted for the wrong reasons. In my over-analysis of it all, I was becoming lonely, desperate, and depressed.

I was barely surviving the relationship, let alone thriving, which is what I really wanted. I couldn’t force the result I wanted, and I felt powerless. I figured it wasn’t meant to be.

But when we were together, it felt like we were.

Then I felt the crazy creeping in. (Yes, more than it already had.) At some point in the fog, it became clear to me that I was completely attached to a single outcome—that he would change his life to fit mine.

For years I felt like I had fit into his life (we started dating just a few weeks before I got laid off of my dream job). But what needed to happen was to create one life together. And in order to do that, I needed to get clear on what I wanted for my life, and for our future, because until I did, he would never be good enough. I later learned that acceptance is the first step to thriving with someone.

I started to look at the situation with objective eyes and realized what didn’t work for me and what did.

What didn’t work was seeing each other a total of three months out of the year. What worked was that he had chosen an adventurous and inspiring career, and I accepted that. What didn’t work was to be far away from a major city, specifically New York or Los Angeles, while still developing my music career. What did work was to live in the country only an hour and a half away from New York.

With this new self-awareness and clarity, I was able to pack up my car to go visit him in New Hampshire, and be okay with the fact it could be the last visit. I was ready to let him know my terms, where I was willing to be flexible, and where I knew I had to take care of myself. I was open to the fact that it may not work out. And in that openness, there was room to choose.

So besides packing up my things for the four-day visit, I packed up his things, from shirts to boxers to a pair of shoes to his rollerblades. (Yes, folks, the boy can rollerblade. He grew up on a river in Maine and ice skated all his life. It’s quite sexy actually.)

When I arrived in New Hampshire, we dove into a deep conversation about our future. For the first time, I was not telling him what I thought he wanted to hear. I was clear, I was powerful, and all the while, I was not making him wrong or blaming him for anything.

My communication came across clearly. We were able to create what a “day in the life of us” really looked like. After creating that, I cried. I had been so focused on how it wasn’t ever going to work that I wasn’t able to imagine the wonderful ways it could. (more…)

December 19, 2011
Becoming Ourselves: How Powerful Decisions Shape Who We Are

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” ~H. Jackson Browne

I decided to have a homebirth late in my first pregnancy, well into the third trimester. All through the first six months I flip-flopped back and forth, first buying into the message that hospitals were safe for births and homes were not, and then feeling profoundly certain that the best environment in which to have my baby was at home.

The truth is, before I was pregnant I hadn’t thought much about birth. I started my birthing journey wanting to be in charge of how things went, to stay clear of drugs and medical interventions, and to walk away from the experience changed in a positive way. I figured the place in which this happened was secondary, so a hospital might be just fine.

But many of my friends came home from their hospital births just the opposite; they were traumatized by how the experience was wrenched away from them, and took years building back their confidence and pride around birthing their babies. It was clear to me that I didn’t want a scenario like that.

Along with deciding what I didn’t want, I needed clarity about what I did want, and why I wanted it. I turned my questions inward, closing my ears to the cacophony of indecision, and worked the questions until finally an answer appeared.

I began to see this first birth as a way to step more fully into my power as a woman, and I was hungry for that. I wanted to reconnect to primal wisdom, and to tap into strength I suspected lay beneath the surface but hadn’t ever experienced.

I wanted a birth that was empowering, transformative, and authentically mine. I chose homebirth. I said yes while still not knowing with certainty what it might lie ahead for me; my decision required both clarity and a leap of faith.

Once I made the decision, I felt different in my skin. In standing up for what I now knew I wanted at a very deep level, I walked a bit more upright and spoke with more conviction. Having my baby at home turned out to be the most powerful choice of my life. (more…)

November 3, 2011
When (and When Not) to Take Advice

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~Erica Jong

I’ve received all kinds of advice in my life, both welcome and unwelcome. Most of this advice is easy to divide into two piles: “good” or “bad.”

“Good” advice: when somebody makes a suggestion and I think, “Oh, of course!” It might be advice about how to improve a poem, or how to peel a mango. This kind of advice is easy to take.

“Bad” advice: when somebody makes a suggestion and I have a clear sense that I don’t agree with it. I might not respect their opinions, or I might know they have their own agenda which clashes with mine. I might understand their point of view but simply disagree with it. This kind of advice is easy to ignore.

Sometimes, it’s trickier.

A while ago decided I might change my career. I started the process of signing up for the three-year training I needed. Lots of my friends and family thought it was a great idea.

I asked one person’s advice—someone I admired a great deal, who cared a great deal about me. To my surprise, they said they didn’t think it was the right thing for me to be doing. They thought I was doing it to run away from a career that would be more risky, but more fulfilling.

I could understand why they gave me this advice. They’d had a risky career themselves, and they were invested in this having been the “right” decision for them. They were biased. I didn’t agree with their advice. I didn’t think it was about what was best for me.

Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It niggled at me. I continued applying for the training, and talking to other people about my new career choice. They were all supportive and encouraging. Why did it matter so much that this one person had given me the opposite advice?

Eventually, I sat down and reflected upon what this person was saying to me. (more…)

September 1, 2011
Overcoming the Power of Suggestion: Make Your Own Choices

“People who urge you to be realistic generally want you to accept their version of reality.” ~Unknown

I’m often open to suggestion. I like to gather opinions and feedback about my writing so that I can use it to improve the impact and make it a better read.

The thing I’ve learned about listening to other people’s thoughts on my writing is that sometimes what seems like good advice is little more than personal preference; changing an image or an entire scene to suit one person isn’t always the right path, especially if my gut is saying, “You know you don’t want to do that.”

Now that I am working on a novel, I realize how easy it’s been to sway me, not just in my decisions but also in my thoughts.

Have you ever taken a different route to a party or family event because the person in the passenger seat told you to? How about putting those comfy, though slightly old trainers in the bottom of the closet because your partner thinks they look shabby?

It’s a given that we’ve all spent money on something we don’t need because we’ve been lured by the suggestion of T.V. and big companies that appeal to our desire to happy. I bet some people have even given up on dreams because someone else has said they’d be better off aiming a bit lower.

There’s a difference between valid advice and suggestions based on self-interest.

There are times when my view of reality gets distorted, when I’m stressed or upset. Once I’ve calmed down, I often acknowledge that my perception was overblown, although a grain of truth often remains.

It’s frustrating when someone else negates my experiences—essentially saying there is no grain of truth. (more…)

July 13, 2011
Freedom in a Life Full of Problems

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~Jean-Paul Sartre

Sometimes it seems like life is conspiring against you.

This often happens just after a moment of pure joy. You’re walking down the street thinking, “Wow, I am so unbelievably lucky to be alive.” A few hours later, you get an email saying you’ve lost your job. Or you’re in danger of getting deported. Or your cat’s been run over.

For many people, these situations seem to be completely out of their hands.

The thing is, every problem has a solution, and usually more than one. We can spend so much time despairing over an issue that we forget that each challenge can be addressed in a thousand different ways—some good, some bad.

I recently left my home country to study abroad in the United Kingdom. I didn’t think that it would be difficult before I left, but have since found that my imagination was severely lacking.

The language is the same, but that’s about the extent of it. Since I’ve been here, I’ve had to question everything about myself. Can I do well in my classes? Am I brave enough to be here? Can I handle this?

In the last week, I’ve had to drop courses, I’ve been unable to open a bank account, and I discovered that I am in danger of being deported. All of these things are terrifying, numbing even. (more…)

February 28, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Choices

“We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” -Sogyal Rinpoche

Nothing is as discouraging as feeling you don’t have a choice—that you’re trapped in a situation you can’t change, with a person who won’t change, or with feelings about yourself that you’ve stopped believing you can change.

We’ve all been there before.

We’ve accepted thankless jobs just to make ends meet. We’ve hurt or watched friends hurting, feeling powerless to end the pain. We’ve waited for love, or mourned unrequited love, or wondered if it was really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

We’ve all felt helpless before, and we’ll all be there at some point again—yet we have far more power than we think.

We can’t always control our circumstances, but we can shape them with our actions. We can’t always save the people around us, but we can support them with our love and attention. We can’t always create a world that feels safe, but we can choose how to experience it with our thoughts.

Every day we have limitless choices, thousands of mini-opportunities to live a peaceful, empowered life.

What choices will you make today?

photo by jaitra.gillespie

August 17, 2010