Tag: chance

3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Trying Something New

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu

During the Great Recession I lost my business. And I was devastated.

My business partner and I built the company from an idea we were kicking around over wine into a thriving brand strategy agency. We had twenty employees. We had a cool studio office. We were winning creative awards competing against agencies many, many times our size. And then—slowly at first and then so, so fast—it was over.

I remember when I called time of death. We had yet another client come in and say they couldn’t pay us anymore. Not because they were going to a competitor, but because they were in financial trouble themselves.

We had already laid off all our employees except for our office manager. We had already reduced our own paychecks. We had one or two clients left, but it just wasn’t fun anymore. I couldn’t see the way forward. And I was exhausted.

I told my business partner that I needed to stop, and that we needed to shut it down. I was beyond sad. I was numb.

I would have looked for a job, but it was the Great Recession. No one was hiring. Luckily, my husband still had a job, so we were in better shape than many.

I tried to focus on my health by taking up tennis and playing golf. But I wasn’t motivated.

I tried getting more involved in the kid’s school. But I didn’t feel fulfilled.

I felt like I had no identity. I was embarrassed and ashamed even though every other agency I knew about had either closed or was struggling.

I graduated from Duke University. I had an MBA. I was supposed to do great things. And yet, here I was with nothing to say when someone asked, “What do you do?”.

We spent a few weeks in California with my in-laws. The change of scenery helped a little. (My mother-in-law did not.)

I finally got around to taking the Meditation for Stress Relief program. That helped a little too.

Finally, about nine long months later I was playing golf with a friend who was an executive-in-residence at a nearby university, and her phone rang. It was her department chair wanting to know if she knew anyone who could teach entrepreneurship. She handed the phone to me, and a few meetings later, the job was mine—if I wanted it.

Now, I knew I knew lots about entrepreneurship. But teaching? Nada. Nothing.

And that wasn’t the career I had planned.

And, because it was an adjunct position, the pay wasn’t nearly enough to make it interesting.

I went round and round. Do I do it? Do I not do it? It’s not in the right direction. It doesn’t pay enough. That doesn’t move me forward. What if I don’t like it……

I was making my family and friends nuts with the indecision, and I had to work quickly because the new semester was only a month away.

What should I do. What should I do.

But the universe (and my golf buddy) had opened a door for me. So I took a deep breath, gathered all my courage, put my money concerns aside, and walked through.

Today I consider myself an educator first. Walking through that door connected me with my life’s purpose. I am a teacher.

But before this all happened, the thought had never crossed my mind.

Becoming a professor (they brought me on full time after one semester) and figuring out how to TEACH entrepreneurship completely reframed the way I think about business. I couldn’t just tell my students “that’s how it works because I did it and it worked for me.” I had to be able to explain WHY. And find examples of each step working for other people.

Taking advantage of an opportunity I had never even considered opened up door after door and shaped the business I have today. Even though it initially looked like it was a complete detour from my career goals and the money in no way justified the decision.

If you find yourself at a crossroads—a career crossroads, a relationship crossroads, a financial crossroads—look around and see if there are any doors that might be open that you’re ignoring. Laser focus on a singular outcome can be a powerful motivator, but it also drastically reduces your options and can obscure other routes to success. It can be useful to remember that career/relationship/financial growth is almost never a straight line.

How will you know a door when you see one?

Someone asking you if you know someone who can do X. Maybe that person is you?

Maybe an organization you belong to is looking for workshop facilitators or volunteers? Maybe that person is you?

Maybe you hear about an opportunity to do something that scares you a little bit—an open mic night, a writer’s retreat, a community gathering on a local initiative. Maybe you go and say hello to the person sitting next to you?

And once you find that open door, here are a few things you might consider before you walk through:

Does the opportunity appeal to you other than it’s not in line with your stated goals?

In my case, I was absolutely intrigued about the opportunity to teach. It was scary because I wasn’t sure I’d be good at it. It was challenging because I hadn’t done it before. But I felt like it might be really fun. And fun counts.

Will you learn something and connect with new people?

As a lecturer in entrepreneurship, I would be developing an entirely new skill set. Additionally, I would have a chance to work with a large group of colleagues that would significantly expand my network.

What is the next best alternative?

For me, it was continuing to mope around and send resumes into the ether at a time when no one was hiring. Engaging in something, even if it wasn’t financially rewarding, gave me new energy and a much more positive perspective. And it led to the next opportunity to join the faculty full time and be compensated accordingly.

Sometimes the most transformative opportunities come disguised as detours or distractions. But when there’s a door that’s sitting open, consider walking through it and seeing what’s on the other side. It’s rarely irreversible, you will always learn something, and it might be EXACTLY what you were looking for all along.

February 27, 2025
How I Find the Courage to Keep Jumping (Even Though the Net Never Catches Me)
“The future never comes. Life is always now.” ~Eckhart Tolle

“Jump, and the net will catch you.” “Leap, and the net will appear.”

This piece of writing is to make a case for the following argument: there is NO net.

Before I put forward my reasoning, please bear with me for a moment while my ego rattles off the times I have jumped (but the net never appeared).
1. I quit my well-paid marketing role and traveled across the world to pursue a humanitarian dream job. I failed at the job interview and was jobless and in despair in a foreign land.
2. I invested some of my savings into launching an online e-commerce site selling organic products but was diagnosed with blood cancer shortly after launch and had to give it up.
3. I threw myself into the wellness industry in an attempt to heal my cancer. Nothing worked, and I ended up on the medication I was desperately trying to avoid.
4. I poured my heart and soul into a memoir but have, so far, only received nice rejections from the publishing industry.
Okay, I’m glad that is off my chest.

Point number 4, my current life situation, has got me thinking about “the net.”

The writing of my memoir felt different to points 1, 2 and 3. The writing process was one in which there was no outcome attached to it. I simply sat down to write the longings and yearnings and realizations that came from within. Four years of writing from that place flowed, quite naturally, into a book. There was no thought of a net. I just had to write.

The net came later.

The net came when I had finished my memoir, and people told me to publish it.

The net came when I started researching the publishing industry and the how-tos and what-not-to-dos.

My research began to form a perception. That perception started to develop a belief. A belief that said: to be signed by a literary agent and traditional publisher means you “have made it.” You are literary success. That belief grew stronger with every industry blog I read and podcast I listened to. The ropes of belief grew thicker and intertwined and formed what I perceived to be a net. A net in the form of a book deal from one of the top five publishers.

My mind whirled and looped with the following thought: If I’m brave enough to share my story, if I jump, the net will catch me, I will get a book deal.

I believed that thought. And I was brave. I put myself out there. I jumped.

But, as I write, I have yet to be caught by any net.

My ego looks back up at points 1 to 4 and screams, “FAILURE! The net never catches me. Stay small!”

It is easy to get stuck in that stream of thought. That place is familiar. The is an almost comfort there. The ego blankets me with perceived safety—safety in the form of remaining small and quiet.

But then I remember there is another aspect of myself. A place beyond the ego and beyond even thought. It is my core. My essence. The truest, most authentic part of me. When I carve out time for silence, I remember that place. I bring awareness into the present (without hanging on the past or projecting into the future) and get still. When I do that, the thought of a net dissipates.

From this place, I see that the net was only a future concept. It was no more than a thought about something great that would happen in some distant time. The net was always only a thought about what success should look like: saving the world, a thriving business, healing from an incurable disease, and now a bestselling book.

But freedom was found beyond the thoughts about how life should be. And every day, I come home to that place, home to myself. I get pulled into ego. I come back. I get pulled into thought. I remember.

When my true nature aligns with the present moment, there is clarity in knowing what to do.

Some moments my children want to play. And sometimes, I feel called to send a pitch off to a literary agent. There is a sense of surrendering to whatever is in front of me. When I’m flowing with life, there is no net. Or more, the net is no longer a result but rather a deep trust that everything will happen as it should.

I have no idea how my book will be published. All I know is that if I keep coming back to the present moment, those seemingly minuscule steps pave the way for my soul to live out its true purpose: to bring awareness into the present and live life from that place.

There is no net. There are only small awakened steps. Some steps are ordinary. Some ask us to be excruciatingly vulnerable. It is the latter that can feel like a leap of faith into the ether. But I no longer see those moments as a leap.

Looking back, it was only ever one step, a simple stride on the path home to myself. Inch by vulnerable inch, moment by conscious moment, that is how I have come to feel whole. It is all perfect, even with a rejection letter to boot.
November 3, 2021
Leave the Past in the Past: What Matters Most Is Who You Are Now

“Focus on what matters and let go of what doesn’t.” ~Unknown

When I was in rehab for alcohol addiction, one of the most difficult things for any of us to overcome was the fact that we thought we were beyond redemption.

Why? Because during the depths of our addiction, we had done some things we weren’t too proud of. Unhealthy behaviors that included drinking while driving, calling in sick when we weren’t because we were too hung over to go to work, or neglecting our children for the lure of spending the evening with a bottle of wine instead. None of this sounds like anything you could feel good about it, does it?

The biggest thing I had to learn through this was that who I am now is what matters most.

My unhealthy past behaviors don’t make me the person I am now. And the first step in becoming the person you are now—the one where your kindness can shine, your love for your children takes center stage, your choices with others are healthy, your self-abuse is nonexistent (or, at least dormant)—is to leave the past where it is.

Instead, focus on the future and building the person you want to become. If you are struggling with being stuck in a place where you don’t feel like you’re being your best person, where you might be berating yourself for your behaviors you aren’t proud of, where you might not know how to turn your life into something that more positively reflects the better parts of you, then read on!

“It doesn’t matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going.” ~Brian Tracy

First, we need to understand a very fundamental thing: the past does not define us. Often, we believe that the past does define us and, therefore, there is no escaping it. This is simply not true.

We are the ones that decide whether or not the past holds us hostage. Your past may have shaped you, but it does not define who you are now. What defines you is what you do now, your actions now, and what you have become since the past you left behind.

The second thing in becoming the person you are now is to stop doing the behaviors you don’t like, those ones that make you feel like shit about yourself. You know the ones. But, changing bad habits or unhealthy behaviors doesn’t happen overnight.

I couldn’t change everything I disliked about myself all in one night. It was a process. You need to learn that things take time and this is just part of the journey. And, most importantly, that this is okay.

“Every positive change in your life begins with a clear, unequivocal decision that you are either going to do something or stop doing something.” ~Unknown

It starts with first changing your behaviors one at a time. If you could slow down just a little and ask a simple question “Will this make me feel lousy about myself if I do it?” and the voice said yes, you might be able to pause long enough to say to I don’t want to do things anymore that make me feel lousy about myself.

You could then decide I am going to choose to not commit this behavior this time. And, that is precisely what it is—a conscious decision to thwart one unhealthy behavior at a time from coming to fruition and sending you down that ugly road of self-loathing and condemnation.

“We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are.” ~Max de Pree

If you ask yourself the opposite question “Will I feel good about myself if I do this?” sometimes it is even easier to follow through on the action.

It was a long road for me to turn my life around from where I was, but I did it. I started by building better and more positive behaviors one at a time, until I started to have more of those than the unhealthy ones. And slowly, but steadily, I built myself into a different person—one I could be proud of and one I liked being.

For example, if I asked myself, “Will I feel good if I go into work despite being hung over and at least show up?” And the answer was yes, then I did it.

“Will I feel good if I don’t drink tonight and instead hang out with my children?” And the answer was yes and I did it, I actually did feel better about myself!

The more actions you can collect that make you feel good about yourself, the further along you get to leaving actions behind that you don’t feel good about. It’s a process of collecting more “I feel good about myself” actions than “I feel bad about myself” actions. This is what you need to do.

Even more importantly, each time you do an “I good about myself” action, you need to give yourself some credit for it. This is important, even if you slip up and commit an “I feel bad about myself” action the very next minute.

If you don’t give yourself encouragement for the small victories, then you’re doomed to not have the courage to keep going. So self-reward, recognition, and credit are all very important things to give yourself.

Every small act in the right direction needs to be recognized as something good and valuable, so give yourself a pat on the back, a verbal good job, a kudos, or a gold star sticker. It doesn’t matter what, as long as it is some kind of recognition that works for you.

Make sure to give yourself recognition in whatever way makes you feel good about it. These will add up over time until you begin to start feeling good about yourself in general, at least a little bit, then more, then finally much more.

“No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” ~Buddha

What about the moments when you fail, or commit the “I feel lousy about myself action?”

You must forgive yourself these, practice some self-compassion, and let it go. Just say to yourself, “I messed up, I forgive myself, I will try again.” Otherwise, you will stay stuck in the “I feel lousy about myself” behavior by beating yourself up for it, making yourself feel bad, and then dangerously looking for a way out of that bad feeling by committing some other unhealthy behavior.

For example, here’s what usually happened to me. I’d feel bad about drinking, so I’d drink so I could forget about this horrible feeling I couldn’t stand being in.

Guess what always happened in that scenario? It became a vicious cycle and a whirlpool that just kept sucking me down further and further. And that is exactly, what it is like—a whirlpool.

Your job is to stay out of the whirlpool, by focusing on doing actions that you feel good about, building your self-confidence that you are a good person, acknowledging your accomplishments, and creating a sense of strength for yourself that you can continue to build on this foundation.

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” ~Buddha

So, when you commit an unhealthy behavior, forgive your wounded self. This does not mean you accept it as okay or that you shouldn’t take accountability for your actions. It simply means you don’t demean yourself over it, or punish yourself for it, or otherwise stay stuck in it. You forgive, move on, and try to focus more on doing actions that make you feel good about yourself.

By focusing on actions that make you feel good about yourself, you begin to build up a new sense of self. Because, this is exactly what you are doing. You are building a new you. You are creating a new version of you—a stronger version, a version you are proud of, a version that reflects your true values and true self.

November 13, 2017
7 Reasons to Abandon Your Comfort Zone and Why You’ll Never Regret It

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield

Imagine with me for a second. You wake up, roll over, and blindly reach to hit your alarm to start the routine of the day. Make the same thing for breakfast. Maybe go to a new coffee place…nah. Same place. Go to work on the same route to the same job you’ve been at for years.

After a long day of struggling through your daily responsibilities, you come home tired and slink back into the comfort of your TV and couch. Watch the same shows. Pass out. Repeat. At long last, the respite of the weekend finally comes. You go to the same bars, and hang out with the same friends, and before you know it, it’s Sunday night. Time to repeat the whole process over again.

Somehow down the road, you begin to feel like everything turned into too much of a routine. Nothing new happens anymore, and you can’t even remember the last time you really grew or progressed at something new—the last time you felt that burning sensation in your heart, that incomparable feeling of venturing into something new and scary.

That was me.

When I was a kid, I remember having this recurring nightmare. I was in prison, and my prison job was making license plates. That was my job for the rest of my life.

I had to find every combination of letters and numbers, and if I ever made a mistake, I would have to start over. There was no goal. There was no challenge. Just repetition and routine. (There were a lot more intricate details, but I’ll probably just give myself anxiety trying to recall them).

Anyway, I would wake up in a pool of sweat every night, wake my mom up, and tell her I was having the license plate dream again. She would just look at me like I was crazy; I don’t think I was very good at explaining why it freaked me out so much.

I don’t think I knew why it freaked me out so much.

Fast-forward a couple decades. I fell into a rut after a long period of falling into the same routines, day after day. Same jobs, long commute, long days, same weekends. It wasn’t even that I disliked my jobs—I worked in the music events and festivals industry. But my life had turned into such a routine, without challenges, without fear—just the same jobs, the same bars, the same everything, day after day.

I woke up one day with a thought that scared the hello out of me—when did it all end? I didn’t even know what goal I was working toward. The license plate nightmare had manifested itself into real life.

Dear God.

That day, I quit both of my jobs and bought a one-way ticket to Southeast Asia. On this trip, I went through just as many cliché life realizations as the next traveler, but one stuck out far more than any other.

The safety of my comfort zone was what was holding my growth and happiness back.

I realized how crazy comfort—one of the biggest roadblocks to our growth—is something our bodies crave the most. However uncomfortable and unnatural it may feel to jump out of our safe zone, the benefits outweigh the initial discomfort drastically. It’s just hard to see the other side sometimes.

Although the individual acts of leaving that safe space might vary from person to person—whether it’s quitting your dead-end job, traveling to a foreign place, finally talking to that person you’ve been too shy to engage, or simply diversifying your daily routine—I’m going to tell you some concrete reasons why leaving your comfort zone is so important for every person, and why you won’t regret it once you do.

1. All development comes from outside your comfort zone, especially from failure.

“We are all failures – at least the best of us are.” ~J.M. Barrie

Let’s start with the basics. People tend to forget that struggle and discomfort are where all growth happens. Remember when you were a kid, and every single day was a challenge at something new? Your parents forced you to try scary new things you didn’t want to do, and either you succeeded or failed—and either way you were growing the entire time.

Somewhere along the line, your parents stopped forcing you to do things, and your responsibilities added another layer of chaos into your life, forcing you to retreat into a comfortable routine to achieve a form of stability. In that process, many people start daring less to take a step outside of their comfort zone.

Subconsciously, we attribute “learning” as a phase that only happens when we’re kids. That’s ridiculous. The learning process never ends, and there is always opportunity to grow, no matter what age you are or situation you’re in.

We don’t like to try new things because we fear failure, but we need to understand that failure isn’t the end of the road, it’s the beginning. We learn and gain more from failure than we do from succeeding—and way more than if we never took the chance in the first place.

Whether you succeed or fail at whatever you’re doing, it’ll be a hundred times more valuable to your growth than if you never took the chance in the first place.

Whether it’s the soreness of your muscles after a long workout, the exhaustion of staying up all night chasing a goal, the fear of venturing into the unknown, or the feeling of failure, one old cliché always remains true: no pain no gain.

Either you succeed and you grow or you fail and you grow, but trying anything is better than doing nothing.

2. You’ll discover passions you never knew existed before.

People often look for new hobbies that’ll fill their life with passion, but many are not only afraid to try new things, they don’t know where to look. They trudge through their daily routine, hoping something new will pop out of nowhere and save them from the repetition.

Hey, sorry to break it to you, but it’s not going to happen. Nothing’s going to fall in your lap. You have to go find it.

Not only will leaving your comfort zone help you take a crack at the things you’ve always wanted to do, but you’ll discover other things you never even knew you might’ve liked before.

When I decided to quit my jobs and go on this trip to Southeast Asia, at one of my darker and lonelier moments (don’t ask), I found myself needing to write something, just to get some emotions off my chest. Little did I know I had just discovered my passion for writing.

I started writing article after article, and decided to design a website to share them on. I started taking more and more pictures to combine with these articles, which even led to editing travel videos together.

That’s four things, if you didn’t count. Four things I had never knew I had interest in before. All these newfound hobbies were borne from one thing that I discovered just moments after I left the comfort of my home.

No matter how much you want to believe it, waiting around for something won’t get you anywhere, but the second you leave your comfort zone, you’d be surprised at how things just start falling into place.

3. You’ll become more open-minded and understanding, making you appear wiser and more intelligent.

Life is full of completely different and unique people, but when we get stuck in the same routine, we tend to gravitate toward people that are similar to us. When this is the only interaction in our lives, it leads us to become close-minded and cuts us off from the reality of the differences that exist between people.

When you’re surrounded by the same people, who share the same opinions about everything, you gain a confirmation bias, and you start to think that a certain way of thinking is how all people think, or how all people should think. (Need an example? Go look at any political party ever.)

Leaving the comfort of being surrounded by the people you are accustomed to will introduce you to different ways of thinking, which will not only lead to a better understanding of our differences, but an appreciation for them.

This can be a whole different kind of uncomfortable, but the next time someone that has an opinion you disagree with, instead of immediately trying to convince them your side of the argument, try to understand why they came about that thinking in the first place.

We all gather our opinions from a rich web of experiences and thousands of variables, yet sometimes we tend to think of other people’s opinions in black and white. Everyone has a reason for why they think the way they do, many of which are a lot deeper under the surface than you might be able to initially see.

Opening your mind to other people’s cultural views and understanding what their ideologies are based out of (as opposed to just trying to confirm your already established beliefs) is the first step to gaining wisdom that applies to all people, rather than just the social group you’ve become accustomed to.

4. You’ll gain clarity once you ditch mindless comfort-zone distractions.

When we continue our routines and watch the same shows, go to the same places, or look at the same apps, we tend to turn our brains off and just follow muscle memory without even noticing. These routines make us feel comfortable and often put our minds to sleep.

You’d be surprised at how much clearer your mind works once you simply turn your phone and TV off and go explore something new. Your brain will actually start going to work without you even trying.

Something easy you can do today: Turn your phone off.

Something harder you can aim for in the future: Turn your phone off for longer.

5. You’ll become a more confident and sociable person.

Talking to strangers is often an anxiety-provoking activity for people. We’re constantly fearing we’ll get judged or that we’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. First off, let me tell you, everyone feels the same way. That thought alone helped me become a more sociable person without worrying about the consequences of a “failed conversation” (sounds stupid when I put it like that, huh?).

Interacting in situations with people you usually wouldn’t interact with is a great way to get out of your comfort zone. Go compliment someone you don’t know. What’s the worst that can happen?

In a more non-direct approach, forget about other people for a second. When you spend your time trying new activities and experiencing things you haven’t done before, through the power of leaving your comfort zone, confidence eventually comes whether you were looking for it or not.

The very act of being bold enough to try something you haven’t done before will raise your confidence on its own, and that in turn naturally minimizes the fear of interacting with people you don’t know.

Confidence and social skills will be a byproduct of your breaking of the ordinary. Which leads to the next point…

6. You’ll become a better storyteller without even trying.

“No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.” !Chris Hardwick

Just as confidence and social skills come naturally when outside of your comfort zone, so will the stories. When you make a conscious attempt to leave your comfort zone, you’ll be surprised at how weird, crazy, and awesome things tend to happen more to you more.

You’ll start amassing an inventory of interesting stories without even trying. All of your failures and successes somehow start to become more of a narrative, rather than a repetitive list of chores.

Make your life a story that people would want to watch a movie about.

7. You’ll discover entire worlds you never knew existed before and the communities that go along with them.

Lastly, you’ll discover tons of different groups and cultures that will amaze you.

Think about one thing you like to do. For instance, we’ll say you enjoy golf. Think about all the tiny intricacies, tactics, and elements of golf that make you love it so much, whether it’s the careful studying of equipment, the complexity of your body motion, the perfecting of a craft, or just the peace of enjoying a beautiful day. On top of that, think of the entire golfing community that you connect with because of a shared love of an activity.

Now think about the fact that these passions and communities exist for an infinite amount of activities out there. Foodies for every kind of food. Music lovers of every genre. Fans of every sport. Professionals of every craft. Thousands of different cultures and communities that you have never experienced exist out there—all filled with people that possess as much love and passion for their craft as you do.

Discovering and sharing new passions with people is one of the greatest joys in this world.

The possibilities are endless. Go find some new worlds today.

—

Feeling like there is no end in sight can be one of the most suffocating feelings in the world. I know from experience that deep, sinking feeling you get in your chest when you realize your life has become too predictable—when nothing new happens, when you feel like you’ve stopped growing as a person.

The good news is it’s completely in your power to take control of your life and experience what’s out there, and turn that suffocation into freedom, curiosity, and excitement.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” ~Chauncey Depew

Taking the first step is always the hardest, but I can guarantee you that once you do it, the only thought you’ll have in your head is “Why didn’t I do this earlier?” Every second you spend in this world is precious, and you shouldn’t waste a single second of it wondering if you should have done something. Life is waiting for you to take the reigns.

Imagine with me again. You wake up five minutes before your alarm, with a head buzzing full of ideas, ready to conquer the day. You go to work with a clear mind, with new goals formulating in your head at what seems like every minute of the day.

Before you know it, the workday has gone by in a snap, and you race home to start progressing to your next goal, or to write your next idea down, or to plan your next big getaway. Life has become exciting and full of wonder once again.

No more license plates.

September 19, 2017
Take a Chance: Don’t Let Your Inner Saboteur Hold You Back

“’It’s impossible,’ said pride. ‘It’s risky,’ said experience. ‘It’s pointless,’ said reason. ‘Give it a try,’ whispered the heart.” ~Unknown

On my first day back in college, I sat on a bench outside a classroom and wrote in a tiny notebook. Glancing around at the young students lining up, my sunglasses slid down my nose as I hurriedly scribbled the thoughts buzzing around in my head.

“I’m afraid of being unprepared. I’m afraid of not being smart enough. I’m afraid of being left behind in the coursework. I’m afraid of giving up like I did last time.”

As evidenced in that journal entry, I was pretty terrified to be back in school.

I felt too old, too far behind, too unsure of why I was even trying in the first place. Wasn’t it too late to “catch up” anyway? Weren’t all of my friends already done with their bachelors, done even with their graduate degrees, forging careers and buying houses and doing those things that we all say we’ll do when we grow up? Hadn’t I made my bed when I gave up college the first time?

Really I just knew that it was too late to catch up to the one person I’d been chasing my whole life.

She was magnificent, really. This person had gone to college when she was “supposed” to, had since forged a meaningful career path, hadn’t wasted years in bad relationships and bad behaviors. She’d chased her dreams and flossed her teeth, run marathons and won awards, had tons of friends and confidence and was now living wealthy and successful and madly in love…

…all cozied up inside my head.

That person was the woman I “wished” I was, and she was making my life a living hell. My constant comparison to the ghost life that I should have led would stop me in my tracks as I began to take steps toward goals: You’ll never be who you could have been, so why even try?

It’s for this reason that my return to school was a surrender of sorts.

A surrender to my inner perfectionist, the one who told me that if I didn’t do it “perfectly” or at the time other people had done it (whatever “it” was), then I shouldn’t do it at all.

The perfectionist who told me it was too late, that I would fail, that trying to be successful (like really trying) was the surest way to feel badly in the near future. My inner shame cranker, my saboteur, the voice that was easiest to hear throughout all the static of daily life.

Signing up for my first college class was waving the white flag at her door. It was saying, “Yes, I am imperfect, things didn’t go the way that I planned, but I may as well try.”

So I showed up for one class and then two, glancing sideways at my classmates that were often far younger and seemingly more prepared.

The first few weeks I felt like an awkward dinosaur, struggling to keep up and too nervous to raise my hand in class. As time went on, though, I began to get braver, approaching teachers with questions and relaxing around my classmates.

When I opened my eyes a little wider I was forced to realize that I wasn’t actually all that different from the other people taking classes. Sure, most were younger, but some were older; some were strikingly intelligent but others were asking me for help. As I kept showing up and diligently doing the assigned work, I found that I actually felt pretty good.

I liked seeing A’s on my papers, but what I liked even more was the feeling growing inside of me. Each week that I showed up for class was another week that I hadn’t given up; each time I raised my hand was another time I didn’t listen to the voice that told me my question was stupid.

The weeks flew by and before I knew it, that first semester had passed. I felt like I’d completed my own marathon, the one I was running with myself, and decided to push the finish line a little further away. One more semester became two, then three, and soon I was preparing to transfer to a university.

My “I-can-do-it” train had gathered steam, and although I would sometimes falter with the difficulty of the courses, the train never totally stopped. My small victories had accumulated for long enough that I began to trust myself: to learn, to grow, to continue.

It took me longer than four years, but this past June I did in fact graduate.

As I sat in a stadium surrounded by hundreds of bobbing graduation caps, I took a moment to remember that girl who had sat on a bench outside her first college class. The one who had written about how scared she was, how sure of failing, how inadequate she knew herself to be. I realized that she was the same person sitting in a cap and gown, smiling with excitement and preparing to cross a stage and be handed a diploma.

The only difference was time spent proving the fearful voice wrong.

Sure, I’ll never compare to the perfectionist inside of me. She’s definitely still there and she still crops up sometimes, trying to convince me not to take that chance or venture out onto another limb; whispering in my ear that I’m not doing it right and I’m sure to embarrass myself anyway.

You know what I’ve figured out, though? I don’t have to listen to her. None of us do. (My inner perfectionist gets around. I told you she’s popular, so I’m assuming she’s in your head too.)

The voices inside all of us no doubt serve a purpose, but sometimes that purpose is just to keep us safe.

“Don’t take that chance; you could fail” protects our ego from the pain of disappointment. “Don’t expect much from yourself; you aren’t capable” means that we don’t have to get our hopes up. The flip side of that, though, is pushing through those thoughts and doing things anyway.

Taking that class. Going on that trip around the world. Applying for that job or writing that book or telling someone about an idea you have.

Not listening to the negative voices in our head begins with first realizing that they’re in there; they’ve often been playing on repeat for so long that they blend in with the soundtrack of our mind. They feel like us, but they’re not: they’re no more us than that ghost life is—the one that we wish we had led, the one that never existed in the first place.

If there’s one thing that my return to college taught me, it’s that the surest way to drown out the doubt in my head is to put one foot in front of the other and prove it wrong. Thank that doubtful naysayer for her opinion, suggest she get back to being perfect, and go forth with whatever it is that will make this actual life even a little better.

I’d say it’s time we all did that; bid those lame perfectionists farewell and live the imperfect and real lives that we were actually meant to live anyway.

July 16, 2017
Taking a Chance on Happiness and Knowing We Deserve It

“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

I like to tell the story of how I changed my mind about myself and what I was worthy of and how that change almost immediately led me to my husband—or, rather, how it led him to me. On Craigslist.

But unlike a fairytale, we didn’t go straight from point A (boy meets girl on a sometimes-shady website) to point B (boy marries girl in the church she was baptized and grew up in, across the street from her childhood home) and happily ever after.

We sorta stalled at first. And it was all my fault.

See, even though we hit it off in a big way and immediately started emailing each other, like, a dozen times a day (seriously, I kept every single email and treasure them all), I wasn’t fully sold.

I didn’t think we had a chance romantically. Even though the poor guy did everything but jump through flaming hoops to get the point across that workdays full of emails were just slightly less than he hoped for, I held him at bay.

I conveniently overlooked his invitations to connect over the phone after work some night. He called me “Beautiful” like it was my name, and I would just conveniently overlook it. There was a big old wall between us, and I was the architect.

Finally, after a month of this nonsense, the truth hit me like a bus (funny, since I was sitting on a bus at the time).

I heard a voice ask, “What is wrong with you? You have everything you’ve always said you wanted, and you’re pushing it away!” After I looked around and made sure it wasn’t some weirdo randomly talking to me (you just never know on the bus), I gave the idea some thought.

Whoa. Yes, I totally was. I was pushing it all away with both hands.

This was another huge turning point in my life. Right there on the Route 36 bus.

I explored this idea as I made my way home that night. For once there was a man in my life who was clearly interested in me, who very obviously wanted to take our relationship to a more serious romantic level. There was no struggle, no game playing, no confusion, no chase (at least, not for me).

And we had so much in common—our values, our beliefs on religion and spirituality, our interests. Sure, there were differences too, but just enough to keep things interesting, to keep us both growing and learning from each other. Enough to give us endless topics to ramble over through countless emails, for sure.

As long as I’m being honest, I was also totally addicted to talking with him. I looked forward to every single email and would get pouty when I didn’t hear from him right away. I had to check in and wish him a good night before leaving work and had to check my inbox as soon as I got home to see if he wrote back.

I was clearly smitten. But here I was, holding the poor guy at arm’s length, even as he tried so hard to enter my heart.

So what was my deal, anyway?

It boiled down to this: I was miserable with my life the way it was, but it was all I knew. It was what I was comfortable with. I hated being alone, but “alone” was the only way I’d ever known my life.

I still needed to come to terms with the fact I was worth loving. No matter how awesome I told the world I was, I needed to believe that there was someone out there who would love my wacky self as-is, no strings attached, no holds barred, no weight loss needed.

Putting it bluntly: I had never known a man who didn’t require me to change in some way for them to consider me dateable. This was a total challenge to my self-image.

I also needed a hefty shot of courage. After all, I’d been hurt in the past—too many times to count.

And I hadn’t even had a romance with any of these other guys. I’d shared my heart, but I hadn’t shared my body. I hadn’t shared my secrets.

They hadn’t heard me snore in my sleep.

What if I started a relationship with this man and we broke up? How would I handle that, knowing that there was another person out there who knew all about me? This was a whole new world, and I had no idea how to navigate it.

Still, in the face of all this fear and hesitation, there was a quiet little voice in my heart that pointed out that the easiest thing in the world would be to just give in. To stop fighting it, which took more effort than letting things take their natural course. To believe that I was lovable, if only because this man saw me as such, and to trust that he would never hurt me.

And he never has.

I realize now that this way of thinking affects people in more ways than just the example I gave here.

So much of the time we long for something else, something new, something better, but when the opportunity presents itself, we either miss it completely or we come up with a million reasons why it’s not right for us.

We’re too busy, we’re not smart enough, we’re not lucky enough, or connected enough; we don’t have the money for it. On and on.

We let huge, potentially life-altering opportunities pass us by because, at the end of the day, we don’t believe we deserve them or that we could handle them if we gave them a shot. Even if we want them with all our heart.

It’s not that we’re lying to ourselves about what we want. It’s that we let fear dictate what we’re worth.

It takes work and a lot of self-awareness, but if we can identify these negative beliefs—all based around fear—we can work on becoming a little more fearless every day.

Our job is to stop standing in our own way. To drop our limiting beliefs, stop dedicating time and energy to talking ourselves out of what we so richly deserve—fulfillment, love, abundance, joy, and peace. To simply open our arms and our hearts and accept the possibility of something more, right there within our grasp.

That’s when things start moving and grooving. I promise.

Let’s stop holding our dreams at arm’s length. Or eventually they’re going to give up on us and continue dating another girl—which is what could have happened had I not texted my man that very night after my fateful bus ride.

In my excitement, I pulled out my phone and sent this super articulate message: You know what? I think I kinda like you.

I have never regretted sending that text. To this day I thank the voice in my heart for setting me straight and for giving me the courage to take a chance.

Photo by Beshef

April 22, 2014
Are You Betting On Yourself Or Against Yourself?

“The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.” ~Paulo Coelho

I stood there in the parking lot of my apartment complex, with the hot Phoenix sun beating down on me, as I watched him drive away for what I thought would be the last time.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I went inside my apartment after his car had turned the corner and was out of sight.

When the door closed behind me with that familiar thud, I could almost feel the loneliness swallow me up.

We met nine months earlier and quickly fell in love. But his time in Arizona had come to an end when he graduated from ASU. With no jobs in sight in Phoenix, he was hitting the highway and driving back to his hometown of Seattle to use his contacts to find work.

I wanted to go with him, but I was afraid of leaving all that was comfortable and familiar to me.

When he drove away, with his car filled to the brim with all his belongings, I imagined my life without him. I knew I my life would carry on, as I would wake up every morning, go to work, come home, and hang out with friends and family on the weekends. Perhaps even months down the road, I would probably start dating again.

Life would inevitably continue—but without him. The thought of being in love with someone who I’d never see again was a hard thing to swallow.

Step Right Up and Place Your Bets

Every day, moment by moment, we make choices. Some of those choices seem inconsequential. Most of us only feel the burden of choice when we are faced with one of those “big life decisions.”

Taking a new job, moving to a new city, starting a business, or having a child, just to name a few. (more…)

January 10, 2013
Overcoming the Fear of Loss: 5 Steps to Get Unstuck

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

Of all the things that scare us, loss can seem like the most terrifying. At times, I’ve thought about it with such dread that it’s felt overwhelming.

Whenever I quit a job I hated in that past, I felt stuck between two loss-related fears: the fear of losing my passion by staying, and the fear of losing my financial security if I walked away and didn’t find something else.

Whenever I considered leaving a bad relationship, I felt paralyzed by two similar fears: the fear of losing my chance at fulfillment by staying, and the fear of losing the comfort of companionship if I walked away and didn’t find someone else.

I haven’t only worried about the potential for loss as it pertains to big decisions. I’ve worried about losing people I love, pleasures I enjoy, and circumstances that feel comfortable. I’ve dreaded losing my youth, my health, and my sense of identity.

And then there are the everyday losses: If I don’t do this, will I lose someone’s respect? If I don’t do that, will I lose my own? If I don’t go, will I lose some as of yet unknown opportunity? If I don’t stay, will I lose my sense of comfort and security?

I might even go so far to say that whenever I fear something, loss is at the root of it. I suspect I’m not alone.

Loss Aversion

Economists have identified loss aversion as a major factor in financial decision-making, in that most people would rather avoid losing money than acquire more. The psychological impact of losing is thought to be twice as powerful as the pleasure of gaining. (more…)

August 5, 2012
Take a Chance: Seize That Opportunity in 4 Steps

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.” ~Unknown

Have you ever paused at a podium, feeling your hands shake as you speak to the senators before you? Have you ever laced your skates, shuddering as you heard your name announced as the next skater to compete? Have you ever found out about an amazing opportunity (say, a chance to post on Tiny Buddha), only to realize that you’re terrified to try?

I’ve been in all these risky scenarios, so I know how intimidating they can be. By definition, risk-taking doesn’t guarantee that you’ll attain your desired result. However, there are a few things you can do to optimize your chances of succeeding when an opportunity comes your way.

1. Get yourself prepared (and keep your eyes open).

Malcolm Gladwell said it in Outliers, and I’ll say it again: It takes time to achieve expertise. To be precise, it takes about 10,000 hours of practice to become a true proficient. This is no small investment of your life energy.

As such, it pays to spend time thinking about the kinds of opportunities you want to prepare yourself for.

If you’re an advocate, what do you want to say to those senators? Start saying it now, even if you’re speaking to an empty room at first. If you’re a figure skater, what elements do you want in your Olympic program? Start practicing those elements every day.

Once you have seriously invested yourself, and have discerned what kind of opportunity you’re looking for, keep your eyes open, because opportunity has a strange way of showing up once you’ve prepared. Said opportunity may be unexpected (the best ones are), but if you’ve put in the time beforehand, you can seize the opportunity when it arises.

Nevertheless, it’s also essential to… (more…)

May 29, 2011
3 Simple Tips to Push Yourself to Try Something New

“Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.” ~Unknown

It was a few months into my semester abroad during my sophomore year in college when I realized how special the experience had become.

On the way to class, I strolled past the Pantheon and snacked on homemade gelato.

Preparing dinner consisted of purchasing fresh-picked produce and a fresh-cooked baguette. As my homemade pasta sauce slowly came to a pleasant boil, my roommates and I would sip the finest Chianti 5 euros could buy while eating salami and formaggio (cheese) so delicious it makes your mouth water just thinking about it.

The five months I spent abroad in Europe molded me into the individual I have become today. I learned more about myself than I had in the previous 20 years of my life.

I learned to laugh at jokes in more than one language, cry when parting with the city I had grown to know and love, and develop lasting friendships that bring a smile to my face every time I see the person’s name on my caller ID.

My experience abroad taught me how to live a life free of second guessing and regret. Here’s how.

(more…)

March 23, 2011