Tiny Buddha

Tag: Challenges

  • 3 Tiny Phrases That Can Help You Solve Big Problems

    3 Tiny Phrases That Can Help You Solve Big Problems

    Thinking

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~Chris Mason Miller

    I was faced with an impossible problem, so like all the great thinkers throughout history, I shut myself in the bathroom and vowed not to come out until I had solved the problem.

    It had plagued me for two-and-a-half years, and for seven years—the length of time during I’d lost my voice for and had suffered from chronic tendonitis respectively.

    Such was the consequence of an obsessive guitar habit, one that saw me practicing up to fourteen hours in a single day as I worked my way through three years of my Bachelor of Jazz Performance Degree.

    I never made it to year four, the year I would have graduated. Year three had seen my pain increase to the point that I only played my instrument at performances and in classes requiring it.

    On my own, I practiced in my head, imagining both my instrument and the sounds it would produce.

    I developed a strong imagination alongside a strong case of tendonitis.

    But at the end of that year, my body quit. Shut down. It got so bad that I ended up unable to drive or hold a knife and fork. I even ended up having a friend push me around the Chicago Museum of Science in a wheelchair because the muscular dysfunction had become a whole-body issue.

    So there I was, several years later, with no voice and no use of my arms.

    I’d seen doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, and all manner of other people who poked and prodded and tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I’d tried all the treatments, taken all the advice, and done plenty of my own research.

    None of it had worked.

    So that sunny afternoon in June, I turned to the only resource I had left…

    How To Run Your Mind

    There are only two ways to change the quality of our lives: change the quality of the events, or change our perception of the events. Most of us opt for the former. I’d been doing this for the last seven years.

    Now, it was time to try out the other option. We can all change the way we perceive events by changing the words we use when we talk to ourselves. There were three phrases in particular that gave me my life back; they have untold power to have a positive impact in yours.

    1. I am here.

    This phrase saved my life. When we fight long and hard, trying to escape our pasts or reach our futures, we inhibit our ability to find joy, contentment, and inner peace in the present.

    And this is the only place where we can ever have it.

    When we ground ourselves in the here and now with a phrase like “I am here,” and put all our intent and focus into the words, we become accepting of where we are. We cease to judge ourselves as good or bad, as a success or failure. We are simply where we are. And that’s okay.

    The seriousness of what we’ve gone through and the gravity of whatever we’re trying to achieve diminishes, and we’re able to safely and securely assess our current situation and take one step in the direction we want. A step taken without fear, stress, or tension—without anything except the joy of taking that step and seeing what will come of it.

    2. I don’t know.

    We are conditioned from an early age to rationalize, justify, and explain things, whether we’re studying for a biology exam, writing an essay, or trying to get out of detention.

    This attitude can have serious consequences later in life as we become set in our patterns of thinking and behaving. We understand the world—we have the answers—so new information gets filtered out before it has any opportunity to impact us.

    By adopting the stance “I don’t know,” we open ourselves to the possibility that there are different ways of seeing the world. We give ourselves new opportunities to learn, grow, and evolve—to become okay with the uncertainty and humility of not always having the answer.

    3. Life is easy.

    When we suffer, and particularly if we’ve been suffering for a long time—whether that’s through health problems, workplace issues, relationship troubles, or anything else—it is easy to feel as if life is simply one prolonged struggle, and that getting by is the best we can hope for.

    But all this changes when we adopt the idea that life is easy!

    For instance, I had my laptop stolen when I was traveling in Malaysia. I lost several months of writing I had saved up, fairly significant for someone whose income relies upon his portfolio. Not only that, but with no computer I had no way of doing any freelancing work to help support myself.

    This was incredibly stressful until I decided to see this as an opportunity; with my old work gone, I had the chance to write something even better than I had created before.

    I had an interesting experience—a challenge and adventure—recovering from the setback that I could use in my future work. That was an amazing realization that made it simple to move on from the setback and enjoy the ride.

    When we turn obstacles and barriers into opportunities and adventures, stress and discomfort disappear, we need less motivation to act, procrastination affects us less, and the creative part of our minds responsible for lateral thinking and problem solving stay active.

    As a result, solutions start to appear as if from nowhere, simply because we put our minds in a position to find the answers. And life does become easier.

    —

    These phrases, with enough time, were major reasons why I can talk and write today. They are the reasons I was able to solve the impossible problems that dumbfounded medical professionals, and they can be the reason that your life changes for the better in the coming weeks and months.

    Photo by Davide Restivo

  • Accepting Imperfection and Making Peace with Our “Piece in Progress”

    Accepting Imperfection and Making Peace with Our “Piece in Progress”

    The Traveler

    “Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~Unknown

    I’m back in New York City after touring for the last five years as a global musical scientist.

    My international and domestic sonic experiments took me all over the world to exotic lands and faraway locales.

    I climbed the Inca Trail for four days straight while combating altitude sickness, learning how to speak at low capacity oxygen levels (imagine Darth Vader), and hemoglobin adaptation became my mantra.

    I also wrote and recorded a number one single in Copenhagen, Denmark. Likewise, I traveled to France, Finland, Russia, and Spain, as well as several national stops: Austin, Texas, DC, Boston, California (twice), and Hawaii, to name a few.

    I even lived with a Costa Rican family and became a real ‘tico’ in San Ramon. Furthermore, I discovered a floating village in Cambodia, talked art science shop in Singapore, and had the backs of my knees lit on fire with moxibustion in Koh Samui, Thailand.

    Sounds glamorous, but in all that life spice the one consistency was myself, and let me tell you, you can really get to you.  

    As wonderfully liberating and bohemian as it was to pick up and play from country to country, from foreign foods, cultures and languages, to random rules, regulations, and rites of passages, it also became a constant struggle to perfect the adventures.

    Naturally, practical fears ensued: How would I finance myself on the road from tour to tour? What would happen if I couldn’t understand the language? How would I be able to reach anyone in the middle of the Amazon?

    But the worst mind chatter came from my own self-doubt: How is this record manifesting given the fact that I have a unfamiliar, makeshift studio instead of my usual recording space? Is this one gigantic failure?

    Does anyone understand what I’m doing or what I mean? Can anyone hear those ambient birds behind the vocal and piano line? Is there even a piano at the next stop? Wait, why am I doing this again? What is a musical scientist?

    I was obsessed with perfection, particularly as it related to my work, and it was starting to take the fun out of my experience.  

    As an artist/scientist hybrid, I usually feel balanced between the creative and logistical, but the need to perfect my experiments started to weigh on the childlike, free, and non-judgmental parts of myself.

    I was striving for my work to be a huge success upon initial conception instead of letting the manifestations of failures become the real magic in process.

    It was during my time in Singapore while visiting a friend that I developed a perspective change to help me combat this uber desire to micromanage my situations.

    With eighteen hours on the plane to think, I began to imagine that we all have a life pie with slices representing certain parts of our life. For instance, each sector could be divided into finance, love, health, relationships, career, and so forth.

    It dawned on me that the majority of the folks I met and had deep conversations with on my travels shared stories of their imperfect piece(s): “I lost my job,” or “She dumped me,” or “I come from a messed up family.”

    It was often easier for people, myself included, to dwell on the missing segment, the piece that didn’t match the others, and focus on trying to tweak the weak.  

    The pattern I recognized was that no soul’s life pie was ever completely maximized, at least not at the same time. There’s always a “piece in progress.” Maybe one, two, perhaps even half the pie didn’t look like the rest.

    I visualized a life pie like a leaky faucet. As soon as you fix one of the spouts, the pressure adjusts to the other side, and pretty soon you’re exhausted trying to Band-Aid all these pressure points.

    I’m reminded of my favorite tale, “The Story of The Golden Buddha,” by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen.

    To paraphrase, approximately 300 years ago, the Burmese army planned to invade Thailand.

    Thai monks had an incredibly gorgeous golden Buddha statue within their monastery and wanted to protect their treasured possession during the attack, so they covered the statue with dirt, clay, and sticks.

    As the Burmese pressed into Thailand, they killed all the monks, but left the precious Buddha be, as it was disguised.

    During the mid 1950s, the monastery was relocated to make way for city developments, and as the monks began moving the Buddha, the clay began to crack and fall to the floor. Only then, after all that time, did the gold underneath begin to shine.

    To me, the tale’s a constant reminder that we, like the golden Buddha, spend too much precious time cloaking ourselves with mud in the form of societal coding, personal pressures, and expectations deeply fixed in fear.  

    But, by accepting these self-perceived shortcomings as part of the bigger picture, we realize that we each have our own labyrinth as we go through life. This is how we learn life’s lessons, slowly revealing more of our golden uniqueness.

    If we obsess about perfection, we’ll just stay stagnant and idle instead of moving forward with our pieces in progress, allowing them to be part of the journey toward self-realization.

    Even the gravitationally bound system consisting of stars, dust, and matter that constitutes our universe has endless imperfections, such as windstorms, black holes, and galactic hurricanes.

    If we, as humans, are living in this totality of existence rooted in chaos, we can only expect to mirror it. Understanding that there’s nothing wrong with us for having imperfect life pies can help us make peace with our piece in progress—and ourselves.

    Photo by Matteo.Mazzoni

  • Why Your Problems Are Not Nearly as Permanent as They Seem

    Why Your Problems Are Not Nearly as Permanent as They Seem

    Liberated

    “When we…go back into the past and rake up all the troubles we’ve had, we end up reeling and staggering through life. Stability and peace of mind come by living in the moment.” ~Pam Vredevelt

    There is a way in which we tend to view issues in our lives that makes it seem like the issue is a big, scary monster that chases us around everywhere we go.

    We have commitment issues. Or we are bad with money. Or we have an eating disorder, we drink too much, or we follow-through too seldom.

    We view ourselves and our lives as if they are stable, consistent entities that probably can change, but rarely do. We surely never change without considerable time, money, or effort.

    At one point in my own life, I definitely felt like I had weaknesses and issues, particularly around food. It felt as if they were mine, like I had ownership of them. They were part of who I was.

    It felt as if my “disorder” was a living, breathing monster that I would never fully shake.

    And that’s the way it goes. It begins to feel like the issue is always there, following you around.

    The monster might be right on your heels some days and further away other days, but it’s always there in some capacity. The monster might take naps or even hibernate, but there is the sense that it could wake up at any moment.

    If you’re too loud or not careful enough, the monster will wake up and be right at your back again. So there’s no resting, really. You never get too comfortable. I know I certainly never got too comfortable; always looking over my shoulder for the next time the monster would catch up with me.

    (It’s easy to see how we came to view it this way, between traditional, past-focused psychotherapy and popular addiction recovery movements that say things like “You’re an addict for life” and “One more drink and you’ll be exactly where you left off.”)

    So, guess what happens when it feels like fully resting is out of the question?

    You guessed it—you don’t rest. You’re on guard.

    You hold in the back of your mind the image of that monster waking up and beginning to run after you again.

    You never quite manage to let that thought go because you believe—you’ve been led to believe by well-meaning but misinformed professionals—that the issue is a part of you. Of course it would never occur to you to let go of something you believe you can never let go of.

    Each time the thought of your monster passes through your head, it feels ominous and meaningful. When something feels ominous and meaningful, you naturally pay it some attention.

    If you believe you are bad with money and you go a little overboard at Nordstrom one day, it’s very serious.

    If you believe you have commitment issues and the thought occurs to you to run from your relationship, you might actually act on that thought because it seems real. That thought appears as your reality, not as the fleeting, habitual but arbitrary thought it truly is.

    For me, because I was told I “had” a diagnosis and that diagnosis signified a real and stable thing, anything I ate became a very big deal in my mind. The very common and meaningless act of eating a meal began to mean a whole lot about who I was as a person and it said something—in my biased thinking—about my future.

    You Can Only Feel What You Think

    Aside from the fact that monsters are scary, the other problem with the monster-chasing-you metaphor is that it is completely, factually inaccurate. It is quite far from the truth of how your “issues” and experiences of life work.

    Your actual issues are nothing like a monster chasing you.

    A closer approximation of how it works is something like this:

    Your moment-to-moment experience is a reflection of your moment-to-moment thinking. Said another way, what you feel is only and always what you happen to be (consciously and unconsciously) thinking.

    Sometimes you think a lot about your issue. When you’re thinking about it— especially to the extent that your thinking seems real and true, as if it directly reflects reality—it appears as if you have the problem you are holding in your mind.

    When the thoughts you are experiencing seem like stable truth, you’re naturally locked into them. You elaborate on them, take them seriously, and inevitably act on them.

    But here’s the cool part: Your thinking changes. Often. It’s always changing in obvious and subtle ways. When your thinking changes, your experience changes.

    And, the thoughts in your head are not an accurate snapshot of outside reality. They are quite subjective and personal, actually. No two people see the same thing in the same way, so what you think is only what you think, much more than the way it is.

    The points above work together because the more you see that your thinking is very subjective and personally biased, the less you rely on and respect it as truth. The less you rely on and respect it as truth, the more frequently and naturally your thoughts change because you’re not holding them in place, identifying with them, and owning them as “yours.”

    There Is No Monster

    Since your experience in any given moment is exactly equal to what you are thinking in that very moment, that means that when you’re thinking about your monster, you feel your monster.

    And when you’re not thinking about your monster, your monster does not exist.

    When you’re thinking about your commitment phobia, how your parents damaged you for life, how you’re an incurable alcoholic, or how horrible you’ve always been with money, those issues (monsters) are alive for you in that moment.

    My eating issues were alive for me most of the time in those years solely because I was always thinking about them.

    But when you’re thinking about your cat, or pondering hard wood versus tile in your kitchen, those issues are not alive for you.

    It’s not that the monster is asleep, waiting to strike. It’s that the monster literally does not exist.

    You see, each moment of your life, you start anew. The inner slate of your mind is wiped clear.

    Because we tend to give some thoughts a lot of respect, and because we believe they reflect outside truth, those thoughts tend to come back often.

    In that way, it doesn’t always feel like the slate wipes clear. It feels like the monster is right on your heels.

    But actually, we have infinite potential for brand new thought, which equals infinite potential for brand new experience. We tend to get more new thought when we know that.

    In other words, when you think of your issue as the monster on your heels, that’s what you get. But only because that’s the way you’re thinking about it.

    When you see it more accurately, understanding that you’re only feeling what you’re thinking in any moment and that when your thoughts shift—as they inevitably will—you get limitless new thought which brings limitless new experience, it all changes.

    You see that you’re creating your life anew in each moment. There is no monster, unless you create him right now by thinking about him right now.

    Nothing is actually carried over from the past. Rather you might think right now about the past, but that’s just where your thoughts wandered.

    I’m happy to report that I have had no issues with food for many years. Eating when I’m hungry is a complete non-issue. This is not what my therapists told me would be the case. I was told that because I “had” the issue at one time, I would most likely always have it in varying degrees.

    I was told that I could learn to manage it, and that it may lie dormant if I was lucky, but that in times of stress it would most likely flare up again.

    Nothing could be further from the truth today.

    There is no monster. There never was. There’s only what we think, now. And then now. And then now.

    Of course, thoughts of our “problems” will drift into our mind. We’re only human.

    But because we see that they will also drift right out, there’s no reason to keep constantly looking over our shoulder.

    Photo by Jesus Solana

  • How Relationship Issues Can Lead to Growth (and Why It’s a Daily Process)

    How Relationship Issues Can Lead to Growth (and Why It’s a Daily Process)

    “When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

    Relationships are tough. Even more difficult is maintaining healthy boundaries within a relationship.

    My head hurts and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Let me explain. I’m in a loving, healthy relationship with a beautiful woman, and I’m proud to call her my partner.

    Great, so why do I feel like I want to throw up? Well, because last night was a tough night for us, for me, and today I have an emotional hangover.

    Here’s the breakdown. She was going to her girlfriend’s house for dinner and girl time. Great. I was home cooking myself dinner and doing a little reading and television viewing. Great again.

    I sent her a text at 9:40 asking if she was having a good time. No response. Okay, no worries. An hour and a half later, worries—a head full of them.

    Is she okay? Why no reply? Did I do something wrong?

    She always replies to my texts. Always. So why not now?

    Good question.

    A healthy response would’ve been to tell myself she’s having a great time and will call when she’s on her way home. I didn’t have a healthy response.

    I leaked. Leaked all over the place. Leaked as in my boundaries were nowhere to be found, and hence what should have been kept in my head instead leaked all over our relationship.

    I texted a pissy good night text saying I was going to bed and hoped she was having fun. Tough to tell tone via text, but anyone could have seen that I was pissy. 

    A leak = poor containment. I wasn’t containing.

    She replied!

    She said she was having a blast and that I was entitled to be upset. Not good enough. By now I was shaking.

    Containment breach! Containment breach! We have leak in the dam.

    I couldn’t stop. I texted her saying her behavior was anything but normal. That she always texted me back.

    This didn’t help. Stop Zach! I couldn’t.

    The scared, wounded little kid had his hands on the steering wheel. He was in charge, not me.

    I called her. Told her how she had hurt me, that her lack of communication triggered my abandonment issues.

    I blamed her for my own stuff. Great boyfriend I am. Actually, I am a good boyfriend; I just had a tough night.

    My lack of containment led to my leaking all over the place, all over her. Bad boundaries, it happens to the best of us.

    Here’s the growth. Yes growth. There’s growth all over this and I’m thankful for the opportunity.

    Today I can own my part, which was assuming, taking things personally, lack of containment, and blaming. My breach of containment led to all of this. There’s growth because I can see my part, learn, and make amends.

    There’s growth because although I have an emotional hangover, I know in my heart that the relationship is not over. In years past I would have shut down and never recovered from something like this. Not the case today.

    As my therapist told me (yes, I texted him about this), we have to make mistakes to learn and grow.

    Sometimes containment means holding back our own crazy and being the functional adult who can move beyond it. Other times we leak looking for the other person to be responsible for us. It’s about practice and progress, not perfection.

    Relationships are tough, but I’d rather say relationships are rewarding if we’re willing to look at our part and do the work. It’s a daily practice. And not just with a significant other.

    I’m talking about relationships in all areas of our lives: work relationships, sibling relationships., relationships with our parents—all of this and so much more. The biggest for me is relationship with self. I wasn’t taught growing up how to like and love myself.

    I was taught that everything is my fault and that I don’t matter. Makes having a loving relationship with myself tough work. It’s a daily practice, as mentioned.

    If daily is what’s needed, then daily it is. Some days are better than others but still daily, nonetheless.

    I call it re-parenting.

    I call it love.

  • Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Meditating in the Street

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I walked into my studio apartment and found it quite messy, which isn’t that hard to do with 325 square feet shared by a couple.

    I’m talking clothes on the floor, dishes on the couch, and paper strewn everywhere. It had been one of those weeks where both my husband and I were ripping and running, having little to no time to manage household chores.

    I looked around, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch after moving some papers. I enjoyed some dinner with my husband and then went to bed. I got up the next morning feeling rested and cleaned the apartment joyfully and pretty quickly with him.

    Why am I telling you this? You see, a few months prior I would have stressed out and felt totally guilty about the house being so junky. I would have gone into an entire inner dialogue about how I wasn’t organized enough and how I couldn’t keep things together.

    This would have led me into a cleaning frenzy for the rest of the night and I would have went to bed feeling tired and depleted, waking up the next morning in an exhaustive funk.

    In that moment of first opening the door, I learned to fully accept and be at peace with what was actually happening rather than beat myself up with lofty expectations of what I had wanted to happen.

    It was a subtle yet important shift in my life. I walked in and rather than feeling bad about the mess, I simply acknowledged that the apartment was in disarray.

    Yes, there were clothes strewn on the floor. Yes, I had been working many hours and didn’t have the time to do laundry. I also acknowledged that “messy” was a relative term, and I realized that I felt a bit of shame about having a messy place because of strict rules that I grew up with when I was younger.

    I accepted the fact that the apartment was messy and that it was okay to not do anything at the very moment to tidy up. It was so simple, just a few moments, but I suddenly felt myself breathing easier as a result and sleeping a lot easier without the worry or the inner critics coming out to play.

    Sometimes I think we have to learn how to accept what is so that we can find peace of mind no matter what kind of day we are having or what type of circumstance we encounter.

    Peace is available to us all of the time, even when life seems to be out of our control. It may not feel like it, but beyond chaos is serenity, if we only accept it. Solutions to our problems are also clearer when we move into this place of peace.

    When feeling a bit stressed out about high expectations, gently remind yourself to do the following:

    Acknowledge what is here. Simply notice for a few seconds what you are feeling, experiencing, seeing, and hearing without any judgment. Also, notice if any judgment is coming from you or other people in your life.

    Accept that situation fully as it is. No shame. No guilt. Just acceptance and lots of deep breaths.

    Be open to the inner wisdom that you possess. There may not be an immediate solution and that is totally fine. Sometimes I think a good pause is just what we need before we take a next step.

    You are enough just as you are. It is a beautiful thing to accept the fullness of your human experience rather than wishing it was anything different.

    There will always be homes to clean, items on the to do list, obligations to fulfill, inboxes to clear, and schedules to make. In the midst of all that, there will always be peace and joy available to us if we simply notice.

    May you find ultimate serenity as you let go of expectations and root into full acceptance of yourself and your life experiences.

    Photo by Nickolai Kashirin

  • How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    Several years ago, within a matter of months, I experienced the death of a parent, the breakdown of a committed relationship, and the death of a treasured animal companion.

    I’d been doing okay with “normal” life tension, but when all that crap hit the fan… Wow.

    I handled it okay. Just okay. I’m not sure it was a time to expect myself to be amazing.

    Life is much better now.

    One of the biggest lessons I learned going through those experiences was that I really had no idea how to take care of myself.

    I’m great at taking care of others. I, like many of us, could give you loads of examples of how wonderfully supportive and understanding I can be. However, I’d neglected to take the time to understand me and what sorts of things helped me to feel nurtured, supported, and cared for.

    I’ll skip the “yoga, getting enough rest, and chocolate” portion of the list (since you can find those kinds of self-care tips here). They’re super important, and the fact is, I already knew about them, but on their own they weren’t cutting it at that time in my life.

    Here are some lessons I learned that I hope we can all benefit from when we’re going through a tough time.

    Stay out of other people’s business.

    It’s really easy to get wrapped up in the situations and emotions of those we care about.

    When our partner is having a difficult time at work, we tend to feel their frustration and disappointment. When a loved one is going through a divorce, we may get caught up in their stories about how they’ve felt mistreated or how their spouse is being unfair.

    While doing these things is very common and considered a normal part of friendship, it’s not the time. These behaviors can be draining to our own energy. Listening to the emotions of others can cause those emotions to be stirred up in ourselves, especially if we relate to the situations they’re talking about.

    It’s simply not the time to use our energy reserves feeling other people’s emotions. We have our own to harmonize.

    Accept ourselves.

    Yeah, we know this one already. But how many of us are actually doing it?

    Here’s the thing: We can absolutely accept where we are at any given moment, while also holding space for wanting more; for being more compassionate; for having a better education, a more successful business, or for meeting a loving partner.

    Accepting where we are at doesn’t mean we don’t have goals, or can’t visualize a different, presumably even more fulfilling life. It means that we recognize there are times in our life where we won’t be amazing (see above). That there are times when we’ll do the minimum to get by, because that’s all the energy we have.

    Sometimes, that’s just how it’s going to be.

    Accepting where we are at is always a priority, but particularly in times of intense strain. No beating ourselves up allowed.

    Recognize what helps us feel good when we’re stressed.

    Again, seems like a no-brainer. However, when I was going through these experiences, I assumed that having coffee or drinks with a good friend would help me feel better.

    Normally, I really enjoy this and find it relaxing.

    Surprisingly, I found I was not enjoying these get-togethers. It wasn’t that my friends weren’t sympathetic. It was simply that I needed me (and me alone) time to process and heal. The very greatest friend simply could not offer me what I could offer myself at that time.

    We’re all different. Some of us will find great comfort in surrounding ourselves with friends; others will benefit from immersing ourselves in our hobbies or in our work. There’s no right answer here. It’s a matter of paying attention to our own needs and what works for us, not what general opinion says that we need.

    This is also not a time to cave to social or family obligations if we don’t find them to be nourishing. If the weekly family dinner is fun and supportive, go for it. If it’s more of a “dredging up the past” fest, then let that routine go until you’re feeling stronger.

    Re-learn how to focus.

    Many of us feel busy, busy, busy. And it’s true—we are busy. That said, taking the time to really assess our Internet and social media time can be enlightening.

    If I’m honest, I spend one to two hours of a “work” day cruising Facebook and Twitter, checking and answering email, and reading posts on different news outlets.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is, for some of us though, a behavior that has “trained” us to not be as focused as we could be.

    Instead of sitting down and spending an uninterrupted two hours on a particular task, getting sidetracked online can cause that same task to take me three to four hours (or more!).

    Great focusing skills also apply to our “me” time. It’s not just useful when working or studying. Focus can also help to optimize the time we do spend relaxing or self-nurturing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve “intended” to meditate or nap, and have found myself obsessively checking email instead.

    Using apps to limit one’s access to social media can be a great way to start the process of shifting our online habits.

    In times of stress, compassion for self, in the manner that is the most soothing and fulfilling for us, is a priority. To be present in our lives, and for our loved ones, and yes, for ourselves, this self-care is imperative.

    What do you pay attention to when you’re in an intense period of self-care?

  • When You’re at the End of Your Rope: 7 Tips to Help Yourself

    When You’re at the End of Your Rope: 7 Tips to Help Yourself

    Hard Times

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagan

    During my first year away at college, I struggled with depression and anxiety. I felt broken, hopeless, and lost, and I didn’t know how to cope.

    At times, I thought about jumping out of my fourth floor dorm room window.

    Thankfully, I didn’t.

    It all began on the day I moved into my dorm in August of 2008. My parents took me out to dinner, and right before they dropped me off, they got into an argument.

    For most of my life, they were always arguing about something. Many times I chose to simply brush it off and ignore my own hurt feelings. But something about leaving home for the first time made me realize that their turbulent relationship really did bother me.

    My roommate hadn’t arrived yet, so I spent my first night at college alone in my dorm room, crying and worrying about how my parents would get along while I was away.

    During the first week of classes, I was raped, only I didn’t realize it until weeks later.

    I went out with some new friends, and we met two guys who invited us back to their place, where we had a few drinks. My friends left, but I decided to stay.

    I told the guy that I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but he didn’t honor my request. At the time, I didn’t see what had happened to me as “rape.” I reasoned that I had let a guy take advantage of me while I was intoxicated.

    My denial gradually shifted to self-blame. If only I hadn’t stayed. If only I hadn’t been wearing such a short skirt. If only I hadn’t asked him to cuddle and led the way to his room.

    I felt angry and disgusted with myself. I thought it would be easier if I pretended that the rape had never happened.

    Throughout my first semester, I also struggled with adapting to a new life away from home.

    The shock of being in a new and unfamiliar environment with thousands of people I didn’t know made me feel anxious, overwhelmed, afraid, and alone. I had so much free time, but I felt paralyzed by anxiety and didn’t know what to do when.

    I made a few friends, but I didn’t have a solid friend group. I felt lost in a sea of too many faces, and I doubted that anyone even noticed me or cared.

    I didn’t feel connected to my university, and I definitely didn’t feel like I belonged. At one point, I thought: I don’t even know who I am.

    I had transferred from a community college to a large university to study magazine journalism in a top journalism program, but I was having major doubts.

    A few weeks into my classes, I discovered that I hated deadlines and could care less about the news. I also felt intimidated by other journalism students and unsure of my own skills and abilities.

    I felt depressed about so many different things at once—the rape, my parent’s toxic marriage, my lack of identity and sense of belonging, and my uncertainty about my major.

    I isolated myself inside my dorm room as a way of coping with my struggles. I spent many weekends crying, feeling sorry for myself, and trying to sleep away my pain.

    This was not the enjoyable college experience I had envisioned.

    I tried to act like everything was okay, but on the inside I was falling apart. I did not want to talk to anyone about any of my struggles. I couldn’t because I felt too ashamed and did not want to be judged.

    I avoided my friends and family from back home. I felt vulnerable, and I didn’t want any of them to know what I was going through. I had too much pride to show any weakness.

    The only thing that I could do was write. I started a new journal, and I wrote down everything that was bothering me. Writing helped me to identify, explore, and confront my struggles. Most importantly, it gave me a voice.

    Eventually, I made a few friends and grew to trust them, and also met a wonderful, supportive guy who is now my boyfriend. I managed to confide in them about a few of my struggles. Speaking out loud about them strengthened my voice and gave me power.

    I graduated from college six months ago, and I can’t say that I have completely overcome all of my struggles, but I did manage to confront every one of them.

    I wrote until there was nothing left to write. I let my parents know how I feel. I changed my major. I talked to two counselors. I became more involved in college life. I let others in.

    It took me years of seeking, exploring, and learning how to help myself in order to get to where I am now. I had to sincerely want to help myself.

    Learning how to navigate and help yourself is one of the most important things you can do in life. Only you can truly help yourself—no one else can fix your problems for you. It takes a huge amount of courage and determination to confront your struggles.

    Sometimes it will seem easier to ignore them and pretend they don’t exist.

    When they begin to surface, the pain might seem like too much to bear. You may just want to give up on yourself and your life.

    But in your moments of greatest hardship, you have the ability to pick yourself up and carry on. Knowing and believing that you are worthy of a long, happy existence, you have the power to help yourself.

    These are some steps you can take to confront your struggles and help yourself:

    1.  Admit to yourself that you’re struggling.

    So often we lie to ourselves and pretend that we are fine. By admitting to yourself that you are struggling, you acknowledge that what you are experiencing is real. Adding a positive affirmation can also help.

    Stand in front of a mirror and say out loud: I am struggling right now, but I know that I can make it through.

    2. Write down everything that’s bothering you (even if it seems trivial).

    Identify your struggle(s). What is it specifically that you are dealing with?

    Identify your feelings. How is this struggle making you feel? Depressed, anxious, terrified?

    Identify your needs. What do you need to feel better and overcome this struggle? How can you take good care of yourself? You may need time alone, or you may need to be around others who are supportive.

    3. Allow yourself to feel.

    When we experience negative emotions, we often try to resist or ignore them. We think to ourselves, “I shouldn’t be feeling angry” or “I don’t want to feel hurt.”

    This harmful resistance comes naturally to us, and we do it to protect ourselves, but it only masks the truth and creates more suffering. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel however you are feeling for as long as you need to.

    4. Know thyself.

    Be aware of specific events or emotions that tend to trigger stress, anxiety, or depression in you. How do you react to stress, pain, loss, etc? When you feel overwhelmed and unable to handle a situation, pay attention to how you deal with it and determine if your coping mechanisms are helping you or hurting you.

    Do you smoke to relieve stress? Do you drink or use drugs to escape your problems? Do you withdraw from people and activities? Replace negative coping strategies with positive strategies, such as meditating, exercising, spending time with loved ones, or listening to music.

    5. Talk to someone you trust.

    Talk to a close friend, spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, counselor, or family member. Sharing your struggles with someone can help you release negative emotions, process what you’re going through, and ease your heavy burden. No one will think less of you for struggling or asking for help.

    6. Create a self-help plan.

    Make a list of actions you can take the next time you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed. Choose what works best for you for each emotion.

    For example, write down: When I feel overwhelmed, I am going to take five deep breaths, paint, and play basketball. Or: When I feel depressed, I am going to listen to uplifting music, write, and talk to a friend.

    7. Write a letter of encouragement to yourself.

    Use a gentle tone and kind words, as if you are writing to a dear friend. You might be surprised at how comforting it can be to read your own words of hope and encouragement. Tuck the letter away in a special place, and read it the next time you are struggling.

    Remember that you are never, ever alone, even though you may feel that way. And know that it’s okay to open up to others; you don’t have to handle this on your own. Opening up requires courage and vulnerability, but it truly is a testament to your inner strength.

    One of my favorite quotes from a Tiny Buddha contributor is: “Pain is temporary, but growth is permanent.”

    Remember that your struggles only make you stronger—they help you grow and become better prepared for more of life’s challenges.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • 9 Insights on Dealing with Change, Challenges, and Pain

    9 Insights on Dealing with Change, Challenges, and Pain

    Rainy Day

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    This year has been one of unprecedented change for me. From January to March, I traveled to Mozambique, Africa to do volunteer work. I did not speak the language; I did not understand the culture. I was immersed in a completely strange world for two months.

    In April, we put our house up for sale. The prospect of uprooting and moving is destabilizing, and one of life’s biggest stressors.

    Then in May my marriage failed, and I separated from my wife. We had been together for almost nine years. I became well acquainted with pain beyond anything I had ever known.

    In June I decided to attack my lifelong dream of singing in a rock band—mid-life crisis or perhaps an awakening of sorts.

    In August my son left home for university. It was a very exciting and emotional time for all of us, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.

    And in September my last remaining grandparent, my grandmother, died at the age of ninety-seven. She was an incredible woman who saw so much change, and packed a whole lot of life into her years.

    Over the last nine months, amidst all the turbulence, challenges, and pain, a few insights gradually occurred to me:

    1. Nothing is permanent.

    Yet we are programmed for the opposite. We want life to feel safe and secure, and permanence gives us the illusion that it is.

    The reality is that nothing is permanent, and the only thing we know we can count on is change. The more we push for permanence in life, against the current, the more disappointed we become when we find it is not achievable to the extent we think it should be. But if we can accept the fluidity of life, everything changes.

    2. Time heals.

    Why is it that life can look hopeful one day, and so very dark the next? Very little of my actual situation has changed from one day to the next. But my perception of it can change minute by minute based on how I am feeling in that moment—tired or rested, peaceful or angry, whole or damaged.

    I am learning not to overreact in the moment, or make important decisions when I am feeling down.

    3. Practice gratitude.

    In the midst of turbulence, I have a strong tendency to dwell on the negative. And then everything looks dark and it snowballs.

    But there are always things to be grateful for in life—my friends, my health, my relationships, my next meal. I often think back to my time in Mozambique and remember the crippling poverty that most people live with there every day. And yet they are, by and large, a happy people.

    We can make a huge difference in our state of mind by focusing more on what we do have, how lucky we are, and counting our blessings.

    4. Be gentle with yourself.

    I am my own worst critic, focusing on my perceived failings and inadequacies. All this does, I have found, is reinforce the bad. And by reinforcing it, that is the reality I create for myself. So I am slowly learning to cut myself some slack, and perhaps even like who I am. What a concept!

    There is a direct correlation between how we treat ourselves and how we are with others out in the world. This is how we can learn to love.

    5. Be here now.

    I have a lifelong tendency to look back or forward—anything but being present. Guilt and shame look back, worry and anxiety look ahead. In either case, it is wasted energy.

    If I feel that I need to do something to set things right, then I should simply do it, then let it go and not allow these feelings to linger. For me, engaging in activities that force me to stay present helps: skiing, surfing, singing.

    6. Give up control.

    We can plan all we want, but there are much bigger forces at work out there. And the bigger plan for us may not coincide with what we think should happen or the planned timetable we have in our head.

    I will have faith that the universe wants to help me. My job is to see it, step out of the way, and let it work its magic.

    7. Be yourself.

    I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. There all kinds of expectations out there about what I should do, how I should do it, who I should be, and how I should fit in. And it is impossible for me to keep up, to satisfy everyone else. Far easier for me to finally learn just to be me, and to be comfortable with who that is.

    We can provide ourselves with a great deal of peace by learning to be ourselves and letting the chips fall where they may.

    8. Eat. Sleep. Exercise.

    This may seem basic, but when my life is in turmoil, I find that these can be the first to go out the window. I skip meals, or eat badly. My sleep suffers and when I am not rested, my whole perspective changes for the worse. That’s usually when I make bad decisions. I feel lethargic and tend to want to skip exercise.

    But these three are all connected, and they are some of the few things we actually can control to some degree. And when we force ourselves to practice good self-care, we feel better, stronger, and life seems brighter.

    9. Don’t fight the pain.

    It’s taken me a long time to learn this one. And I have a history of doing or using anything I can to not feel the pain. I know this doesn’t work because when I mask the pain, it never leaves. It just gets stronger, and comes out in other ways.

    Pain needs to be acknowledged. When we let ourselves feel it, it loses its grip and passes through us much more quickly.

    I have certainly not mastered any of these, but underpinning it all is a sense of heightened awareness about the feelings I have, and I’m beginning to recognize where these feelings come from. This is the first step in learning, accepting, and rolling with the changes that life offers up.

    Photo by Ben K. Adams

  • There’s a Gift in Every Problem: Finding the Good in the Bad

    There’s a Gift in Every Problem: Finding the Good in the Bad

    Dark Day

    “Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

    I bought the magazine because it had pizza on the cover and the headline read: “Yes, you can eat pizza.”

    At that point, the idea that I could eat pizza was as absurd to me as the thought of finding a tiny dinosaur living in my flowerbeds.

    But oh, how I wanted a slice.

    At thirty-two years old, I’d been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. It scared the hell out of me, and I was determined to take perfect care of myself so I could be the best mom possible for my two-year-old daughter.

    I had unleashed self-discipline previously foreign to me. My doctor and nutritionist praised me incessantly for my dedication.

    And at first, my blood sugar improved.

    But a year and a half after being diagnosed, I was still doing all the right things—eating healthy, counting carbs, exercising like a maniac—and the right things weren’t working. My blood sugar levels (which I monitored religiously) were still too high and getting higher.

    I was drowning in anxiety and I felt like a failure. I would end up blind and on dialysis with no feeling in my feet. My mind ran through catastrophic scenarios by the hour.

    That magazine for diabetics, with its siren’s call of pizza on the cover, saved my life because it also happened to feature an article about latent autoimmune diabetes in adults (LADA).

    It told the story of a woman in her thirties who was thin and diagnosed with type 2. (Type 2 typically strikes older adults who carry extra weight and have a sedentary lifestyle.)

    Gee, I thought, this sounds familiar.

    After months of trying to manage her condition, she ended up in a specialist’s office. The endocrinologist took one look at her—young, thin, with a family history of autoimmune diseases—and diagnosed her with LADA. A blood test found antibodies that confirmed the diagnosis.

    LADA is essentially type 1 diabetes, with an onset in adulthood instead of the more typical childhood onset. The immune system attacks the cells in the pancreas that produce insulin.

    Game over, there’s nothing you can do to reverse it. You’re insulin dependent for life. (Though people with LADA can make at least a little insulin for months or years, which is why diet and exercise can seem to work for awhile.)

    Alarm bells began exploding in my head. If this is what’s going on with me, I thought, it explains everything.

    After a few days, I managed to convince myself I was a hypochondriac. Who was I to think I was special enough to have an obscure form of a rare disease?

    But my increasingly high blood sugar levels still needed to be addressed and that little voice in my head kept nagging me about the possibility of a more serious condition.

    I called my doctor. I told him I wanted a referral to an endocrinologist because I was worried about having LADA. He said he would write the referral for me, but that it was extremely unlikely and I shouldn’t worry.

    I sat and talked with the endocrinologist for about three minutes before I blurted out, “I’m a little worried about LADA.”

    “I think that’s exactly what’s going on,” she said. A blood test confirmed it.

    That evening I injected insulin into my belly and woke the next day to the best blood sugar reading I’d had since I started testing.

    These days I wear an insulin pump, which allows for precise insulin dosing and gets rid of the need for taking multiple shots a day. It’s my favorite piece of technology ever.

    And, I have to tell you, my life is so much better now than it was before I was diagnosed with any kind of diabetes.

    So many gifts come to us through adversity. I challenge you right now to identify your biggest problem and then think through all the good things in your life and see if you can draw a direct line between them.

    I wager that you’ll find relationships strengthened, personal empowerment, and a clearer sense of yourself, all thanks to the scariest thing you’ve even been through.

    And if you don’t find it yet, just hang on, you still can.

    For me, being misdiagnosed with type 2 forced me to learn about diet and exercise. I started caring for my body and tapped into my self-discipline. Yes, there can be blessings hidden in a medical mistake! 

    I learned the power of my intuition, which helped me get the diagnosis and medical care I needed before I ended up with a life threatening case of high blood sugar known as diabetic ketoacidosis.

    Diabetes is also the perfect way to practice vigilance without its all too common companion, anxiety. The constant demands of managing the disease can lead one to a near constant state of panic unless you learn skills to overcome it.

    Not many people realize this, but apart from trying to avoid long term complications, people with type 1 diabetes must constantly work to avoid acute conditions that can cause death—too much insulin can cause a low blood sugar that can kill you and too little insulin causes high blood sugar, which can also kill you.

    Which leads me to the biggest gift of all: an appreciation of my own mortality.

    It’s up to me to infuse every day with meaning—to truly feel the joy of laying in a hammock reading a story with my daughter or exchanging salacious texts with my husband.

    Yes, we all know that in theory, we could get hit by a truck tomorrow. But now I really know.

    And I use that knowledge to make decisions about where to spend my energy. For example, I always wanted to be a writer but I never did one damn serious thing about it until diabetes lit a fire under me. Now my writing is my second career.

    Having type 1 diabetes isn’t easy; in fact, it can be hard as hell. If researchers have a miracle breakthrough tomorrow, I’ll camp out overnight to be first in line for the cure.

    But I cling to the revelation that there are many gifts to be found in facing our biggest challenges and we’d be fools not to accept them because we hate the wrapping paper.

    Photo by Cornelia Kopp

  • A Simple Technique to Solve Problems Before They Get Bigger

    A Simple Technique to Solve Problems Before They Get Bigger

    Thinking Man

    “As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains.” ~James Allen

    It was a beautiful day as we drove down the Desert Road two days after Christmas. The Desert Road is a stretch of highway in the North Island of New Zealand.

    On one side of the highway, three magnificent volcanoes provide the only break to the bleak, stark landscape. Otherwise, the ground is covered in dry grasses, rocks, and a straight highway to the horizon.

    During the drive, my husband and I were discussing the New Year and what would be the next adventure.

    As Edith Piaf began to sing “Je ne regret rein” on the mp3, our conversation swung to my mother’s death the past year and how she and I could never see eye to eye.

    My mother was a wonderful woman, but I was never the daughter she wanted and she was not the mother I wanted. As a child I wanted to be a nurse, but she convinced me that I was too smart to be just a nurse and needed to become a doctor.

    I did try hard and when I failed out of medicine, my mother was disappointed.

    She wanted me to marry someone well educated and from a good background. You can imagine her disappointment when I married someone raised in the Gorbals in Scotland who had failed to graduate an Honors BSC in Higher Mathematics.

    And she wanted me to take care of her, be at her beck and call, as we lived two doors away from her. Imagine her total frustration when we moved with our sons half way around the world to New Zealand.

    I pulled over as regret and guilt overwhelmed me. My eyes filled with tears and my head throbbed. I thought her death ended all the recriminations. I thought I was at peace with our differences, but at that moment there definitely was regret and grief.

    And as Peter held me, he reminded me of the way to solve problems and a way to move beyond the immediate pain of guilt and regret.

    Yes, guilt because I had failed to resolve the breach and the disappointment; guilt because I refused to choose my mother’s wishes over my personal desires and my immediate family. That guilt and remorse were thieves stealing my personal power.

    As we drove back onto the highway, we discussed how to use ICE to deal with the feelings of guilt and regret. ICE is an acronym for a technique to solve problems.

    First, you Identify your feeling, the problem, or the situation. 

    This stems from the belief that when you can name something, you then can deal with it. The naming needs to be precise and identify the “issue.” In this case, the “issue” was my feeling of regret and guilt.

    Next, you Control or corral the “issue.” 

    To control or corral an issue, first you have to take the emotion out of it.

    Start by taking several deep breaths to clear your mind. Then talk to someone, even yourself, about how the issue affects you, and if you want it to affect you in that way. Your choice: continued pain or more pleasure.

    Peter and I discussed how my guilt and regret were still holding me back from being what I could be. I needed to make a choice to move on and accept the fact that it was impossible to undo what was done.

    Then, you Execute or eliminate the “issue.”

    By identifying it and corralling it, you can choose how you will move forward. You can choose how you will deal with the “issue” in the present and the future. You can choose how you will act the next time the “issue” arises.

    When I accepted and acknowledged what had happened, I could even laugh at the fact that I no longer had to account to my mother for my present or my future. I could put my mother issues where they belonged, in the “what I learned” box, and move to live in today.

    Using ICE to keep success thieves away is like keeping thieves out of your home. You identify where they can break in. You control the points of entry by using locks or security to keep them out.

    You make it more difficult for the thieves and so eliminate or reduce the possibility that they will steal your treasures.

    As we drove on, we looked for other emotions and situations that steal my ability to function.

    And so my quest began—a quest to identify other reactions that steal my success or cause regret.

    The journey has been exciting and extremely challenging.

    The first step was getting clear that success was made up of hundreds of steps; identifying success and finding my own definitions, not my mother’s father’s or anyone else’s.

    My personal success is just that, personal. I remember when my mother would scold me for failing to meet her standards and expectations. I remember my father shaking his head about the decisions I made, decisions that he was certain would lead to my demise.

    I remember other key figures in my life expecting me to be one thing and their disappointment when I made a different choice than the one they wanted me to make.

    Once Identified, I needed to learn how to corral the emotions and other issues. As I controlled or corralled the “issues,” I removed their power to make me doubt my success. I compartmentalized the issues so that I could decide when to deal with them.

    Now I can eradicate those habits when I choose or decide not deal with the “issues,” but they no longer have any power to stop me from enjoying my success and magnificence.

    Yes, there are still times when my self-doubt and personal recriminations about what I do and how I do it make me curl into a fetal position and pull the covers over my head.

    On the Desert Road that morning, I realized that I could ICE any thief that threatens to steal my success.

    Life is too short for grief, guilt, and regret. Yes, the tears still come when I think of my mother, but I no longer fall apart and pull off life’s highway overcome with the regret.

    What problems or emotions can you overcome by ICE-ing them?

    Photo by Wesley Nitsckie

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    I hate my life! It’s a phrase that’s used by teenagers and adults alike. Sometimes we use it for dramatic effect and sometimes we mean this literally.

    When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago and said “I hate my life!” I meant every word. I hated it so much that there were times I didn’t think it was worth living.

    The depression was incapacitating. The hypomania disguised itself as extreme anxiety and irrational fears.

    In order to stay alive, I had to accept my illness, let go of what I wanted my life to be, and have faith that the future would take care of itself.

    Here are five things I’ve learned so far on my journey of accepting a life that isn’t fair and never will be.

    1. Recognize the problem.

    Right before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I tried to be everything to everyone. I gave 100% at work, I gave 100% to my family, and I gave 100% to whatever else needed me.

    I came to find out that giving 300% is impossible. Something had to give. That something was me.

    I had a breakdown. Several of them, actually, because right after I recovered from one, before long I found myself going back to giving 300%. I lost count of the number of times I was admitted to an acute treatment facility for days at a time.

    At last I realized that living life this way was going to kill me. I couldn’t accept that I had an illness. I couldn’t accept that I had to slow down. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect.

    Because of that I didn’t want to be alive. The pain of living with a mental illness can result in that type of thinking.

    Sometimes we have to make a choice: pretend that nothing is wrong and then continually deal with the consequences, or acknowledge the problem and face it head-on.

    2. Do something about it.

    Once I accepted the fact that I wasn’t like many people who can handle work stress, be a part-time single parent, and do whatever else is needed, I grudgingly started making changes. I resigned from my job as a newspaper reporter, left co-workers who had become good friends, and started working at home.

    I spent more time taking care of myself. I started meeting with a meditation teacher who taught me how to accept what is. She showed me ways to calm anxiety and ride the wave of depression, knowing that it would eventually pass.

    When life changes, we need to become aware that there are always more choices. They might not be the choices we want, but there are always choices. Open your mind, look around, and you’ll find many more courses of action than the obvious ones in front of you.

    3. Let others help.

    When I was going through depression and was unable to do everyday tasks or even take care of my children, it was hard for me to ask for help.

    “I should be able to do this on my own.” “I don’t want to bother anyone or be a bother.” These were my thoughts as I beat myself up after I had to ask for help.

    It occurred to me after awhile that most people enjoy helping others. It makes them feel good. I know whenever someone comes to me asking for help, and if I’m able to, I feel good about myself afterwards.

    In fact, altruism is one of the main factors in achieving happiness, according to a book I read called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker.

    Just think, by asking for help you may actually be helping the other person.

    4. Take ownership.

    After I sought out psychiatric help for my illness/behavior, I expected my therapist and doctor to make it change. I insisted they make it change. I got angry because they couldn’t change it.

    “They weren’t trying hard enough.” “They didn’t understand me.” “If they would just listen!” These were the thoughts that I had as I struggled during the roughest times of my illness.

    Finally I was able to grasp the fact that they couldn’t change it. At first it frightened me. These were professionals. They studied, worked, and knew more than I did and they couldn’t fix it.

    Wait a minute. Then why even bother dealing with them? It was useless, hopeless. I wasn’t strong enough to handle this.

    These were all lies I told myself. Because after eight years of therapy I actually knew quite a bit. I learned skills that had helped me through the darkest moments of my life.

    Just like a teacher can’t follow a student around for the rest of his or her life reading books to them and watching over them as they write a paper, my therapist couldn’t come home with me and hold my hand through every problem I faced. She is the most supportive person in my life, but she couldn’t do it for me.

    Eventually it was up to me to use the skills I had been taught.

    When my anxiety rose to excruciating levels, I remembered to go to a quiet place (usually my bathroom) and breathe through the panic until it subsided. I learned that it wasn’t going to last forever, eventually it would pass and I just had to ride it out.

    It’s important to learn skills from people who have more experience with your problem, but it’s up to you to put them into action. It will be scary at first doing them on your own, but the more you do it the more confident you will become.

    5. Change what you can and accept the rest.

    I was forced to make changes to my lifestyle in order to achieve and remain stabilized. I may have lost my job, but I gained a life.

    I accepted that I have an illness that isn’t going away. There is treatment but no cure for bipolar disorder. I have faced the fact that I will have to deal with depression, hypomania, and anxiety throughout the rest of my life.

    I learned coping skills and take prescribed medication to minimize my symptoms, and it’s made living with the illness bearable.

    Acceptance didn’t make my illness go away, but it relieved a big part of my suffering as I became aware of the steps I had to take. I have faith that I will be able to live with the unpredictability of my illness.

    These are five steps to accept you are not where (or who) you want to be.

    Acknowledge the fact that you might have to come up with another plan. Before you know it, you may find yourself thinking about the past and wondering why you didn’t want it to change, because your present definitely works better.

  • Bounce Back from Unexpected Challenges Stronger and Happier

    Bounce Back from Unexpected Challenges Stronger and Happier

    Jumping

    “True happiness means forging a strong spirit that is undefeated, no matter how trying our circumstances.” -Daisaku Ikeda

    Let’s face it, whether big or small, stressful or simple, we all face challenges every day, some easier to deal with than others. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come equipped with an instruction manual to handle these challenges.

    No matter how much we try to plan in advance, calculate our every move, or predict what the future will bring, we can never prepare enough for the unexpected.

    The past eight months of my life have been filled with more twists and turns than the most popular roller coaster at Six Flags. As a control freak, I was suddenly forced to surrender to circumstance, forced to take a back seat and reflect on what my life was becoming.

    Sometimes it takes physical pain to get to the root of a deeper wound that you are unconsciously inflicting on yourself.

    Ever since the age of three, my heart and soul has thrived on dance. For me, the ability to connect emotionally with others through movement is something that is indescribably fulfilling.

    In May of 2012 I graduated college with my B.F.A in Dance. It marked the closing of four of the most demanding, stimulating, and downright remarkable years of my life. I grew emotionally, physically, and spiritually, molding into my adult self through incredible and trying experiences. I was healthy, in shape, and injury free.

    After graduation, I set my sights high upon New York City, anxious to jumpstart my dance career. I moved in August and set out with a willing heart, determined to make my dreams come true. My approach was frantic, maybe even fanatical.

    I needed a job, I needed to succeed, and I needed to prove myself.

    That’s when life threw a curve ball that stopped me dead in my tracks.

    I was taking a dance class before an audition when… twist, slip, fall, crack… In a blur I was in the ER clutching a broken leg, flooded with fear, anger, and distress. 

    After the initial shock of what happened, it started to sink in that I would be out of dance for a while. Realizing this setback after just arriving to NYC was heartbreaking. In that moment, all I could think about was “Why me?”

    I worked so hard and pushed so much to get to the top of my game, but in a way that was harming my body, physically and emotionally. I had let the competitive nature of the dance and theater scene get the better of me.

    Suddenly, I found myself away from my NYC apartment and newfound life and back home with my parents, trying to heal. As a young dancer whose body is her career, having life abruptly stop was devastating.

    Four months later I was able to return to the city to start again. Slowly progressing, I felt as if everything would heal. Then, another wrench in the plan: a follow up with the doctor revealing the fracture was not healing.

    Just when things were looking up, they felt as if they were sinking down again. I would need surgery, screws to set the broken bone back into place, and another five months of recovery.

    We all face setbacks at some point along life’s journey, and learning to bounce back is what really gives our spirit strength.

    Sometimes accidents happen for very good reasons. In my case, the universe was trying to tell me to slow down, that I have my whole life ahead of me to work and dance and love. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

    Yoga played a huge role in my recovery process, enabling me to overcome the overwhelming sense of failure and depression that came with my injury.

    Unable to do the physical asanas, I discovered the benefits of meditation, learning how to calm my frantic mind, and practicing acceptance toward the cards I had been dealt.

    In college, I started practicing yoga as a way to cross train and escape my hectic class schedule. Since then, the practice has become an anchor for me, its emotional and mental benefits saving me from self-destructive thought patterns and allowing me the chance to release away from, and be at peace with, the pressures of the real world.

    Before my injury, I started working a desk job at Pure Yoga in Manhattan to continue practicing yoga and to further my teaching skills. It was fate getting the job at Pure, as I landed myself right in the middle of an amazing community of loving, caring, and truly remarkable people. 

    Throughout my injury and recovery my friends at Pure have kept my spirits lifted, encouraging me to keep moving forward.

    When I returned to work, yoga was there alongside my friends to help me build back strength. It is so important to have a support system. When things get tough, your friends and family can hold you up—and you shouldn’t be afraid to let them.

    My setback produced another positive, as it led me to complete a 100-hour teaching certification in yoga therapeutics. I quickly became more involved with how important a role yoga plays in healing the body, mind, and spirit.

    Still getting my strength back, I have learned:

    1. Letting go brings abundance.

    Sometimes letting go is the absolute hardest thing to do. But when we hold on too tight, we leave no room for the light to get through.

    It’s like catching a feather: you have to hold out your hand and allow the feather to fall into your reach. You can’t catch a feather by frantically flailing and grasping for it. Once you loosen your grip on a perceived outcome, things start to unfold organically.

    Learning not to force things opens up the possibility for the brilliant and the extraordinary to happen.

    2. Believing in love will lift your soul.

    Believe that there are people in your life who love and believe in you. Believe that you are love, and that your soul has a limitless capacity to give and receive love.

    How does the simple act of believing make you feel? Worthy. Infinite. Content. Express compassion and gentility toward yourself, and to others, and you will open up to the possibilities life has to offer.

    3. Gratitude will ignite a light in the darkest of places. 

    When I first came out of my leg cast, the simple act of being able to put weight on my own two feet made me realize how grateful I am for my health, and how much we all tend to take it for granted.

    Be grateful for running to catch the subway in the pouring rain, because you can feel that rain on your skin and you can feel your feet as they pound the pavement. Experiencing gratitude in simplicity changes everything.

    Each day our yoga is to embody positivity, in every situation. Let go of what does not serve you to let abundance in. Believe in your strength to overcome. Be grateful.

    And don’t forget to breathe.

    Photo by Zach Dischner

  • Facing Life’s Big Challenges and Coming out on Top

    Facing Life’s Big Challenges and Coming out on Top

    On Top of Mountain

    “Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho

    I will never forget that day.

    It is still as clear in my mind as if it were yesterday.

    My son was just a little over three. He was going to a mainstream kindergarten and, well, his teacher had very gently suggested we seek a professional’s help.

    You see, he didn’t understand what the teachers were saying to him. He was restless and fidgety. He also bounced form activity to activity.

    This was our first ever visit to a speech pathologist, and she suspected autism. The possibility that our child has a life-long disability seemed like a death sentence.

    So we did what any normal, self-respecting parent would do: we dismissed her concerns.

    We were outraged. How dare she say this? What right did she have? Our son is not autistic. He just has a language delay; he’s just tad over active.

    Then we did the next best thing: we put him in an early intervention center.

    Although we were sure that it wasn’t this thing that was wrong, we knew something was. And we had to do something. We had to be responsible parents. Now he was getting help with his sensory issues (something I understood much later), fine motor, play, and language skills.

    In retrospect, I wonder how I could have missed those early signs. I guess that was the greatest form of a denial—only a mother could find a justification for every symptom of what could be wrong.

    It’s quite ironic, actually. We had an appointment with the developmental pediatrician and been waiting for this day for over two months. And then we had to cancel

    My husband called in to let them know, and the receptionist asked, “Are you sure you can’t make it today? It will take a long time to reschedule.”

    My husband said, “Yes, my wife has just given birth to our second son.”

    And so amidst all the chaos of having a newborn, my first born got diagnosed and I felt as if my life was completely shattered.

    I felt cheated—for me, my son, and my family.

    He did not deserve this.

    We did not deserve this.

    How could it happen to us? What did we do wrong?

    There was time for grief and acceptance. (Don’t know how many days I cried for.) Then it was time to get to work.

    And so I did.

    I decided to leave my job in academia. I did not care about any of that any more. All I cared about was my son. I wanted to make everything right.

    And the only way I knew was to become an expert myself. This is something I excel it— researching, synthesizing, and becoming a self-proclaimed know-it-all on a topic of my choice.

    Only this time, the stakes were high. And the goal was to save my son’s present and his future.

    I bought 30+ books on Autism spectrum disorders and therapies, and memoirs of parents living with these special children. I got informal training in speech, occupational, and ABA therapies and hired my own therapists to do the work.

    And my son made progress by leaps and bounds. He went through two years worth of therapies in six months, shocking his therapists and consultants alike. How could he do this, they wondered. They had never seen any child do this before. Ever. They called him gifted.

    We were so grateful for his learning ability.

    This was the kid who “might never catch up,” communicated to us by a helpful early intervention staff member.

    Two years of tears and sweat, a big chunk of our joint savings, and lack of any social activities went into this story.

    He surpassed all their expectations. He outperformed all his fellow classmates in math and reading. He is a kid who is eccentric—the emotional age of kids half his age, loud, always happy, always fun. And he is going to a mainstream school.

    His diagnosis was formally changed to Asperger’s, which has a better prognosis in terms of social and emotional well-being.

    Because I ended up staying at home for over five years (my second child also started speaking late), I had time to re-evaluate my life.

    I decided to let go of all that I was expected to do—a job that didn’t feed my soul, a social circle that started to disappear, and flashy stuff that we simply couldn’t afford anymore.

    My son’s diagnosis turned our lives upside down. But it also taught us to appreciate both of our sons for who they are and to be grateful for each and every blessing in our lives.

    At the end, I came out on top because I adopted the following beliefs:

    Awful things might happen to you; take all the time you need to face the reality.

    You need to grieve; do it.

    Need to cry, not come out of your house, stay in bed all day? You can do that.

    What you can’t do is keep it all bottled up inside, pretending it never happened. That your life is the same as it was a day before.

    You need to face your emotions and deal with them. But don’t rush. Take your time. Healing takes time. It will happen when you come to terms with it.

    It is not your fault.

    I am sure you are thinking that it’s your fault—that whatever you’re going through, you caused it somehow.

    We all feel that way. We scrutinize our life. We go over every inch to try and see if we did anything wrong.

    It’s not your fault—and it’s also not going to do you any good thinking like that and torturing yourself in the process.

    If you need to hear it, ask somebody you trust. And then really listen. Say it with me: It is not your fault.

    Let go of what you don’t need anymore.

    You have faced a setback. Your life is different, so you have to do things differently.

    What is it that you don’t need in your life anymore? Is there a job that isn’t working for you? Any commitments you made? How many things do you say yes to that you could just pull back from?

    Bow out gracefully.

    Your husband loses his job. Your teenager has been in an accident. Your mom’s tumor is malignant. Your brother lost his house so his family has to move in temporarily.

    Whatever it is, it needs your attention, which means the unimportant must go. Now.

    Start believing and discover possibilities.

    Your life is different now but that doesn’t mean it has to be worse. It can be better. Don’t listen to the naysayers and anyone else who tells you otherwise.

    Don’t listen to the experts who tell you that your chances are not good. Listen to your gut. Do the work.

    You might feel like you are all alone in this, or that you don’t have all the resources. You might feel trapped or feel like you don’t have many choices. Become resourceful. Do the best you can.

    Amidst that chaos, can you discover any truths about your life and your dreams?

    Now that you have let go of stuff that doesn’t matter, stuff that didn’t work, what could you do to bring normalcy to your life? What can you do to stay sane?

    You don’t have to go through a major life change to appreciate what you have. All it takes is a wake up call. Mine was major; yours doesn’t have to be.

    It took a diagnosis for my oldest son and give years of rethinking my life to find my priorities.

    What will it take for you?

    Photo by Tristan

  • A 4-Step Plan to Deal with Even the Toughest Challenge

    A 4-Step Plan to Deal with Even the Toughest Challenge

    Standing in the Rain

    “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Everything in life is perception. How you perceive life depends on the things and people that have influenced you: school, society, friends, family, TV. So, you may think something is bad or good, but in reality it is neither. You were taught to perceive it the way you do.

    One person might see money as the root of all evil, while another might see it as something wonderful that can be used to help others and create opportunities. Two different perceptions of the same thing that are only based on what they have been taught to believe.

    What does this have to do with dealing with problems, you may wonder? Well, the way you react to problems has also been taught to you. And by changing the way you perceive them, you will be able to deal much more efficiently with any problem that comes on your path.

    A New Way of Dealing with Challenges

    This “new” way of looking at challenges is actually thousands of years old and was taught by great masters such as Lao Tzu and the Buddha himself. By learning this technique you’ll be able to deal with the most difficult challenges, while at the same time not letting them affect your inner peace.

    This technique will also increase your level of happiness and confidence, allowing you to live a good and joyful life, regardless of your circumstances.

    The 4 Steps for Dealing with a Difficult Challenge

    1. Accept and let go.

    Accept your life as it is now. It doesn’t matter how many or what kind of challenges you are facing. See them as opportunities for growth. This way there is no point in feeling bad about them anymore. They are here to help you.

    Accept yourself as you are now. You may have flaws, you may have made mistakes that have contributed to the situation you are in now, but that is not important. Let go of your past and forgive yourself. All that counts is what you do in this moment!

    Let go of your fears, stress, and frustrations toward this situation and the people involved, even if you think someone else is to blame for your situation. Feeling anger or hatred toward this person will only (negatively) affect yourself.

    How do you accept and let go of things? With a simple exercise called meditation. After four years of daily meditation I can vouch for the fact that it is a very effective tool for getting rid of stress, negativity, frustration, and anything else that is not serving you. Learning to meditate is the biggest gift you can give yourself.

    2. Observe and decide.

    Observe the situation without letting your emotions take over. You are now able to analyze the situation by just looking at the facts. (This is a lot easier than it sounds when you have a regular meditation practice.)

    Decide what the best approach is for this situation and create a plan of action.

    3. Face your fears and take action.

    Tackling your challenges usually includes facing one or more fears. You can try to avoid facing your fears, but at some point they will circle back into your life and you’ll have to face them again. You can ignore fear, but you can’t escape it.

    Learn to be courageous and deal with it once and for all. Being courageous doesn’t mean you become fearless. Everybody experiences fear. It’s just that courageous people are the ones who are brave enough to constantly face their fears.

    On YouTube there is a Will Smith interview in which he states: “If something frightens me, I have to do it. I will not let it control me!”

    Taking action is the most important step in this whole process. It is also the step where most people get stuck. But by creating the right mindset this becomes a lot easier. Because the emotions that usually frighten you and maybe even paralyze you will no longer have any effect on you, or the effect will be greatly reduced.

    4. Practice gratitude.

    You may label problems as such because dealing with them takes you out of your comfort zone. Dealing with them in the correct manner means you are growing as a person. So, learn to be grateful for the challenges in your life, because they make you stronger.

    How I Used This Mindset to Get Out of Debt

    About five years ago I was a recovering drug addict with a ton of debt. As an addict I continuously spent more money than I made. I thought quitting drugs would solve this problem, but it didn’t. I actually kept getting into more debt. At one point it finally got so bad that I had to do something about it.

    This was around the time I met my mentor, and with his help I learned to let go of the frustration and other negative emotions surrounding this whole situation. He helped me see things from a different perspective.

    I realized that I had stopped using drugs, but that I had not dealt with the cause of my drug abuse. Because of that I had replaced my addiction with a bunch of new ones: fast food, alcohol, and other stuff that would make me forget about my worries.

    He helped me see that a lot my problems were related to my relationship with myself. I blamed myself for all the misery in my life and I had such little faith in myself that I did not believe I could succeed at anything. After all, I had failed at so many things already.

    Seeing myself slide down a downward spiral and not believing that I had the power to turn this around triggered a lot of anxiety inside of me. And that was why I had all these addictions. They helped me escape from the real world and gave me “instant joy.”

    So, to get control over my finances (and my life) again, I had to let go of the anger, blame, and frustration toward myself. Daily meditation exercises are what helped me with this. Meditation helped me replace these feelings with love, confidence, and inner peace.

    Once I started to love myself again, I was able to be grateful for all these issues I had been faced with. They had contributed to the person I was at that time and I liked that person. I was stronger and more confident than ever, and these things I first perceived as problems helped me get there.

    In the next few months, I made a lot of progress and was able to quit drinking and overeating. I learned to manage my budget responsibly; I automated my monthly payments; and from then on, didn’t even give my financial situation a single thought. I just focused on my abundance and my inner peace instead. It took me years to pay off this debt, but it didn’t keep me from enjoying my life!

    This is a process that takes some time to learn. I didn’t get it right the first time either. Some things are easier to deal with than others. But if you take the time to get in the right mindset and learn to let go of the negative things in your life, you will be able to live a life of happiness and joy, regardless of your circumstances.

    Photo by -merce-

  • Does Your Day Start Out Perfect and Then Fall Apart?

    Does Your Day Start Out Perfect and Then Fall Apart?

    “He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

    I really needed to finish up a task. I’d already spent five more days than the one I’d estimated it would take. My boss was getting edgy; my co-workers were looking at me funny.

    Every day I’d come in, have my plan-of-attack all thought out. It should have progressed well—quickly even. And then something would happen.

    One day, the computer hardware I was using for months suddenly stopped and wouldn’t turn on. (Motherboard bad—two days.)

    Another day, the software I installed, which runs flawlessly on several other systems, randomly crashed with no strong indication of why. Google revealed that others had encountered this same problem, but with no resolution. (Rebuild entire server from scratch and pray that somehow fixes things—two days and counting.)

    And that’s ignoring the myriad interruptions from co-workers needing help, the meetings, the doctor appointments, the sick kids—it just goes on and on.

    And, seriously, it always seems like none of my co-workers encounter these kinds of issues (as many, as thorny, as perfect-storm-like as me). It must be that if I were a better employee/parent/human being, I wouldn’t encounter them either.

    Seriously. That’s what it feels like. I am somehow flawed in this cosmic way. I am somehow causing, or at least not preventing, this stuff from happening.

    I’m in a weekly men’s group. One guy there is the poster child for this issue, even more than me. He seems to encounter this type of “opposition” (from circumstances and co-workers) so much that it can actually make him unwilling to get out of bed in the morning to face the onslaught.

    He’s been this way ever since he entered the group a couple years ago. Until three weeks ago. (more…)

  • Transcending Your Fear Using Courage and Boldness

    Transcending Your Fear Using Courage and Boldness

    “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear” ~Ambrose Redmoon

    I hear the words courage and boldness thrown around a lot in the self-growth world, often as the same thing.

    Or that the notion of true courage and boldness only looks like this big, huge, daring action, like a hero out of a movie lunging into a fearful situation.

    Courage and boldness always confused me and I thought they were pretty much the same thing.

    But once I learned the difference between them, I was able to have this warrior team to help me create better life for myself, on my journey to becoming a more fulfilled, self-actualized human being.

    After many years of trial and error, I realized the use of boldness and courage doesn’t need to look like some action movie hero. Though the great thing is, it can feel like I am a superhero on the inside. 

    I believe the same goes for you, if you want to access more boldness and courage in your life.

    First, Fear

    Let’s begin with fear, because without the concept of fear there would be no need for boldness or courage.

    I discovered that fear can be an enemy or an ally, and it’s our choice. A common interpretation of fear is that it is bad, that we must make it go away, because we blame it for stopping us.

    I’m with the Buddhists on this one in that if we resist fear then we make it our enemy, and that’s a battle we’ll never win.

    We will never be able to access courage and boldness in a powerful way, so we can win the war on fear by not trying to battle it directly.

    For many years I tried very hard to defeat fear, to purge my body of it, to cleanse my mind of it, all to no avail. Fear of more responsibility, fear of getting hurt in relationships, fear of just about anything.

    I’ve used guided meditations to attempt to eliminate fear, worked with NLP specialists and hypnotherapists to kill my fear, tried telling myself with affirmations that I am fearless and totally confident, used emotional freedom technique—the list goes on and on.

    And guess what? Fear is still there. It’s not going anywhere for me.

    Maybe you can find a way to remove fear, but I’ve given up on that route.

    So what can we do if we can’t kill fear itself, knowing that fear gets in the way, and can stop us from being or having what we want to be?

    It’s a strange paradox, but by being more accepting of fear, I’ve found it makes our access to courage and boldness stronger.  (more…)

  • Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

    Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.

    Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.

    It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger. 

    I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.

    In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed  a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.

    A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.

    It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”

    I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.

    Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to  a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.

    Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.

    But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.

    Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go. (more…)

  • Waking Up and Forgetting a Bad Day

    Waking Up and Forgetting a Bad Day

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

    Yesterday was a bad day.

    My husband and I got really close to buying a car before we walked away—again. This time it was because it was above our budget (with taxes), because the current owners didn’t have the title (their bank did), and because our own car broke down on the way to trying to buy the new car (didn’t see that one coming).

    I was fine about the ordeal yesterday, seeing the whole thing as one big adventure toward the right car in the end. But this morning I woke up angry and fearful. Angry about the time we’ve invested so far without results and fearful that another almost there deal might fall through again.

    After three days negotiating on the last fall-through deal, it felt like the failure of failures and just wanted to stay in bed so I could avoid more of them.

    Of course I knew rationally that my feelings didn’t reflect reality, that yesterday’s annoyances are small change in the scheme of things, and that I’m fortunate to be even looking for a (second) car let alone have so many choices for which one to buy.

    The real problem was that my feelings weren’t staying within the boundaries of the car-shopping situation. They were infecting how I felt about everything from my business to my past choices, to my body image, to my mental health image.

    I was flooded within minutes of being awake, and I didn’t know how I was going to coax my mental strength back from cowering in the corner.

    So I did what every procrastinating person does these days: I went on Facebook. And after seeing a bunch of uninteresting stuff, my eye caught on the most courageous thing I’ve seen in a long time: a picture of my five-year-old nephew Caleb leaving home for his very first day of school. (more…)

  • The Power of Focus: Directing Your Life with Intention

    The Power of Focus: Directing Your Life with Intention

    “Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.” ~Māori Proverb

    Life is about lessons, would you not agree? If we’re not learning every day, all the time, then what on earth are we doing? Often, the universe speaks to us in gentle metaphor, and if we’re completely present in the moment, we can recognize lessons, delivered in poetic images.

    One of the clearest lessons of my life was a number of years ago, when I was living in a crumbling house in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. At the time, I was a single mother, raising my two children by working as a bartender at the Eastern Slope Inn. During my time there, I met and became friends with a wonderful woman, named Katy.

    Katy is one of the best people on earth. She’s smart, funny, generous, and extremely kind. She also has an evil streak, which delights me. During my time in New Hampshire, one of my favorite ways to spend a summer day off was to kayak with her down the Saco River.

    I’m not an outdoorsy type, but somehow or other Katy managed to talk me into kayaking. After my first experience, I was hooked. There’s something magical about observing life from the middle of a river.

    One of the best things about kayaking for me was that very little effort or skill was required. It was a truly relaxing experience. The most difficult part was loading the kayaks onto the top of Katy’s car!

    The plan for the day was always simple: We would take sandwiches, drinks, and towels, and pack them into “dry bags” to protect them from the water. We’d wade into the river and each one of us would climb into a kayak and set off downstream.

    For the most part, the current would carry our kayaks along.

    Sometimes, if things slowed down, we’d paddle a little. I’d angle my paddle this way and that, experimenting with different depths and strokes, practicing turning, and slowing down. I quickly developed a measure of confidence, piloting my little boat.

    We’d navigate downriver for an hour or two and, when we got hungry, start scanning the shore for places to picnic. When we agreed on a spot, we’d hop out of our kayaks and wade onto the beach, drawing our boats high up on the sand, to make sure we didn’t lose them.   (more…)

  • Appreciate or Change the Game Instead of Blaming It

    Appreciate or Change the Game Instead of Blaming It

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    Imagine these three scenarios:

    Scenario 1: You wake up in the middle of the night and your baby is crying. You feel annoyed that you have to wake up in the middle of your sleep.

    Scenario 2: Your goal is to finish your first marathon, so you have to practice consistently. However, you don’t feel like exercising today. It’s raining and you’d like to watch television instead.

    Scenario 3: You hate your job. You snap at your boss and you procrastinate on the work you are supposed to do.

    What do these scenarios have in common? If you haven’t figured it out yet, then keep reading.

    It’s About You, Not About Them

    These three seemingly different scenarios have one thing in common: You are blaming the game even though you made a decision to play it.

    In many of these situations, we jump in without really knowing what we are dealing with.

    When we jump into situations with wrong expectations, it creates wrong attitudes. We expect things to follow a certain path, but the reality is different. And when the reality and our attitudes collide, it’s natural that we feel frustration.

    For instance, a new world opened to me and my wife when we had our first baby. Although we had prepared for this a bit, the reality was completely different.

    In the beginning, our son was constantly waking up in the middle of the night and his sleeping patterns were quite irregular. This led us as parents to be very tired in the beginning.

    At the same time, we knew that this was part of the reality when you have a baby. Sure, it wasn’t nice to feel tired all day because of the lack of sleep in the night, but we also understood that the start could be challenging until things smoothed out.

    You Are Not a Victim—Far from It!

    All this inner resistance leads to a “victim” mentality. When you find yourself in a situation that you don’t like, you feel like you have been mistreated.

    If you feel like this, then understand that you can change it by taking responsibility for your actions. (more…)