Tag: calm
-
How to Calm Your Mind Without Sitting to Meditate
“Our way to practice is one step at a time, one breath at a time.” ~Shunryu Suzuki
Sitting meditation has always been challenging for me; practicing mindfulness, even harder.
As a self-confessed worrywart who has contended with constant ruminations, flashbacks, and nightmares for most of my life (more on this later), all prior attempts at being fully present and not thinking merely served as reminders of how little control I had over my mind. Then I took up hiking and stumbled upon a form of meditation that literally transformed my life.
Initially, just being out in nature on scenic trails cultivated calmness and cleared my head. Almost immediately, I realized that hiking provided a respite from intrusive thoughts that have plagued me since I was a tyke.
They include flashbacks of my mother’s numerous suicide attempts in our decrepit Chinatown apartment, my father’s drunken rages, and recurring images of shootings, savage beatings, and other gory crime scenes from my gangbanging days.
Ruminations include the sound of gunfire along with the replaying in my head of toxic utterances in Cantonese that translate to “Giving birth to you was my biggest mistake,” “I wish you were never born,” and my own father yelling “You bastard!”
Somehow, walking in nature enabled my mind to slow down and rest, which felt liberating.
Unfortunately, the novelty soon wore out. Merely walking and hiking wasn’t enough to prevent symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress from returning. I reverted to rehashing the past and worrying obsessively about the future.
However, I had gotten a taste of the benefits of mindfulness meditation and discovered that it can be practiced while engaging in an activity I enjoyed. These revelations motivated me to keep at it.
After reading what was available on walking meditation, which typically advise focusing on the flow of our “in” and “out” breaths, I developed my own techniques for practicing mindful walking and hiking.
My favorite is to look ahead and select a destination point or object and stay focused on it. It can be a shadow on the ground, boulder, bush, tree, manhole cover, light pole, store awning, mailbox, and so on. Once I reached it, I chose another landmark or object, usually a little further away.
Rough or uneven trails forced me to concentrate on each step for safety reasons. My brain automatically blocked out discursive thoughts; otherwise I could slip, trip, or fall. Other techniques I came up with include fully feeling the ground of each step, following the flight pattern of birds and insects, observing cloud patterns, and being conscious of sounds and scents—moment to moment.
Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh, often called “Thay,” which means “teacher” in Vietnamese, is revered throughout the world for his teachings and writings on mindfulness and peace.
He has brought the practice into institutions, including maximum-security prisons, helping inmates attain calmness and inner peace while being confined up to twenty-four hours daily. Many of them have professed that mindfulness meditation is the most difficult endeavor they have ever engaged in.
We live in a culture where many of us want quick results with as little effort as possible. This applies to how we approach our work, health, pastimes, social interactions, and problems. This mindset is the antithesis of mindfulness.
In my opinion, it is virtually impossible to tackle mindfulness meditation without patience and discipline. Fortunately, these attributes can be enhanced by engaging in the art itself.
When I started mindful walking and hiking, my ability to stay present was measured in feet and seconds.
As a highly competitive, emotionally undisciplined, and impatient person, I could have easily succumbed to my frustrations and given up. But the short periods of calmness and inner peace I attained—supplemented by my stubbornness—provided the necessary resolve for me to stick with the program.
As I continued my mindfulness “training,” catching my mind when it wandered occurred sooner, and the ability to refocus took less effort. Using kind, positive messages such as “rest” and “focus” was more effective than phrases such as “don’t wander” and “don’t think.”
Insight and mindfulness meditation are usually practiced separately. Personally, when I am procrastinating about something or seeking a solution to a problem, ideas and answers usually emerge effortlessly during or immediately following my walks and hikes.
These epiphanies and aha moments tend to be inspired by kindness and compassion, as opposed to ego.
I was severely beaten by a rival gang member as a teen. For over forty years, I suffered nightmares, flashbacks, and ruminations of the attack. Both conventional and unconventional modalities of therapy failed to provide much relief.
One morning, I was enjoying a relaxing hike when the familiar image of my attacker suddenly appeared. For the very first time, I remained calm and found myself viewing my lifelong enemy as a kindred spirit. I saw him as someone like me, most likely abused as a child, who desperately sought empowerment by joining gangs.
This awakening, along with my spiritual practice, enabled me to cultivate compassion and forgiveness. The nightmares and flashes of the attack ceased at that point and have not returned.
Mindfulness can be practiced pretty much anywhere and at any time. I do it first thing in the morning when I wake up while still lying in bed, in the kitchen, in the shower, at my desk, and most recently while getting dental work done.
Whether I devote a few seconds by pausing and taking a deep belly breath—or hiking for several hours—benefits are reaped.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, practicing mindfulness has transformed my life. With a family history of mental illness and a violent upbringing, I have been diagnosed and treated for multiple mood disorders, including manic depression, post-traumatic stress, addiction, and rage.
My mindfulness practice has empowered me to rest and calm my mind, as well as intercept and suppress negative thoughts. It serves as a powerful coping mechanism for me.
For the majority of my life, I was at the mercy of gambling urges and other cravings. When I encounter them now, I pause, acknowledge what is happening, take a few deep breaths, focus on my surroundings, and allow the urges to pass.
Staying relaxed enables me to respond instead of react, which places me in a better position to reflect and gain insight into the underlying issues that triggered the desire to self-medicate.
My mood is much more stable and I have better control of my emotions. The benefits I received from mindful walking and hiking has inspired me to practice it throughout the day.
I used to loathe driving because of my road rage. I was terrified of myself, often wondering when I left the house if I would end up in jail or the morgue. My level of stress rose in proportion to the amount of traffic I encountered.
Practicing mindfulness meditation in the car keeps me mellow as well as alert. I have become a patient and compassionate driver, smiling at other motorists and limiting use of the horn for safety purposes. Another insight I gained is that my past aggressive behavior on and off the road attracted like-minded people.
The mental discipline I gained also enabled me to embrace Buddhism, which has interested, yet eluded me for many years. All of this empowers me to attain and maintain equanimity. Now, I can even sit and meditate for long periods without feeling restless or irritable.
So for those who find sitting meditation challenging, or for individuals seeking different ways to practice mindfulness, I recommend mindful walking and hiking.
Not only is it a fun way to quiet the mind while getting some exercise, but it can be life-changing—helping us let go of worries, stress, tension, and even the most painful memories from the past.
-
The Power of Perspective: A Simple Way to Ease Anxiety
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” ~Eckhart Tolle
One of the first ideas I learned in law school was “the reasonable third person,” a legal fiction created to help figure out if someone has acted unreasonably. There’s no clear-cut definition, so I spent a lot of energy arguing what a reasonable person would do. This hypothetical person haunted my law school exams, and later, my career.
But I realized the reasonable third person could teach me something beyond the courtroom. I could apply that perspective to ease anxiety in my own life.
At my law firm, I was so busy that I could barely make meetings in time. It would always be a mad scramble to get everything ready. The senior lawyer would always be annoyed and stressed, and the partner would barely acknowledge my presence.
I’d have too much coffee and be nervous. I’d try to be casual, but I’d either fidget too much or sit too still, trying not to attract attention. I was always so nervous I’d get asked a question and not know what to say.
Mostly, I just sat silently in meetings. Occasionally I’d make a comment, but I’m sure no one noticed because I was so unhelpful. I always felt like an idiot.
Then I realized how personal and subjective my interpretation was. By changing my perspective, I could compose a new, more useful narrative of events. My interpretation—my thinking—could relieve my distress.
I felt like I was always running late, but I made it to meetings, didn’t I? So “I could barely make meetings in time” became “he arrived in time for the meeting to start.”
“I’d always have too much coffee and be nervous” became “Joseph drank coffee.” “I’m sure no one noticed because I was so unhelpful” became “he was pretty quiet during the meeting.”
This narrative removed the self-centered thinking. It focused on what actually happened, not what I felt about what happened.
Afterward, I was less overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I had a broader perspective, like that of a third party. My feelings weren’t bound so tightly to events.
Third Person Thinking
I began to call this third person thinking. It’s the idea of observing your experience from a distance instead of identifying with how you felt about it. I could rise above my own viewpoint of an event.
It’s like the judge deciding whether someone acted like a reasonable person under the circumstances. It’s irrelevant what they subjectively experienced. Focusing on the cold hard facts might overlook the emotional impact of events, but it also allows you to change that emotional impact.
Okay, so this sounds nice in the abstract, but does it actually work? Researchers have examined this skill (called “self-distancing” in the study) in situations that provoke anxiety or anger in real life, like public speaking. The results are encouraging: The studies presented clear improvements from third person thinking.
Benefits
Third person thinking improves your reaction to a stressful event. You’ll feel less pain, anxiety, and “maladaptive post-event processing,” in the unwieldy language of the studies. Post-event processing—your perspective on what happened—improves, becoming more useful.
You’ll also better manage future situations, as you can “appraise future stressors in more challenging and less threatening terms.” Translation: You’ll feel less worried about stuff that usually worries you.
Third person thinking also improves performance during the event itself. Study participants with social anxiety gave better public speaking performances when they engaged in self-distancing. Athletes also perform better when they engage when they manage their self-talk in the same way.
The theory looks good. But are we just fooling ourselves? After all, the objective situation hasn’t changed.
Maybe it seems that way, like trying to convince yourself you’re happy when you feel like crying. But what you think affects how you act and feel. It’s a cycle. Each stage—thoughts, feelings, actions—affects the others.
Thinking Like a Third Person
So, how do you actually do it?
First, consciously observe how you’re talking to yourself. What are you telling yourself—are you saying, “I really screwed that up,” or “I’m sure I sounded like an idiot just then”? Just slowing down like this breaks the automatic chain of reaction, preventing a cascade of emotional reflexes.
Second, write it down. This forces you to slow down even further. It makes the distancing more real, and it’s important to create that muscle memory of practice, just like meditation.
Third, replace personal pronouns like “I” and “me” with third person pronouns in the story you’re telling yourself. Use your name. “I had to give a speech” becomes “Joseph gave a speech” and “she spoke for ten minutes.”
Finally, focus on the events themselves, not the narrative you tell yourself about them. You might be biased to focus on your inner monologue. But try to keep your assessment objective: not “I did a terrible job and I’m about to get fired” but “Her boss told her to redo one section of the assignment.”
Tips
First, make sure you’re being friendly to yourself. Third person thinking isn’t going to do much good if you’re still judging yourself but camouflaging that judgment by changing a few words. Instead, talk to yourself as if you’re talking to a friend who went through the same situation.
At the same time, stay objective. A true friend is supportive but honest; you know your friend will tell you the truth. Being kind, but objective, is the most supportive thing you can do.
Second, third person thinking isn’t about avoidance. Don’t use it to withdraw from how you feel or what you think. You’re still engaging with the event, only from a healthier place.
Finally, just do it. For me, third party thinking felt (very) silly at first. It was also difficult because I was so used to being wrapped up in the events around me.
But just try it out. There’s really nothing to lose, and it just might help you feel calmer and less overpowered by what occurs in your life. It certainly did for me.
-
You Deserve to Chill: How to Create Space to Heal and De-stress
“She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Why do we stress ourselves out? Why is it that being productive and getting tasks done is more important than healing and taking the time to feel calm?
Stress and anxiety can affect our lives in so many different ways. A few years ago, it manifested itself in me physically, in a pretty gross way.
There was a time I had a plantar wart on the bottom of my left foot, and it was very painful. When the pain got to the point that I couldn’t walk normally, I went to the dermatologist to get it burned off.
I did this repeatedly for months on end, as it kept coming back. The wart was so sore that I walked differently, causing my knees to swell and my hips to become inflamed. This whole time, I didn’t think of myself as sick and needing to heal. I just took it. In both mind and body, I surrendered to the wart.
In the meantime, I would always talk about how blessed I was to be so healthy.
I mean, a wart doesn’t count, right?
Then, it dawned on me. This was a question of deserving. Since I “wasn’t sick” I didn’t deserve sympathy for my pain, I didn’t deserve help around the house while I healed, nor did I deserve to stop doing everything for everyone else so I could focus on getting myself better. If I didn’t deserve to heal, did that mean I deserved to have the wart?
This was crazy! I sat down in meditation and asked my inner wisdom what having this wart meant. It told me that I walked around all day serving everybody else, but I had to take care of myself, too.
The wart was trying to get me to stop being everybody’s maid, waitress, nurse, teacher, and office manager by making it too painful to walk.
I was so ready to get rid of the wart that I listened. My inner dialogue became more soothing. Again, in meditation, I told myself silently that I was committed to taking care of me. I stuck to that commitment by delegating chores, making plans with girlfriends, and going to bed earlier. After two weeks of this, the wart was completely gone.
The first step in addressing this “not-deserving wall” was to show myself some compassion—to give myself some understanding for the pain and suffering I experienced. This meant that instead of judging myself for being weak and stupid, I could acknowledge myself by saying, “I get it.”
What an incredible relief this was to my psyche!
Saying, “I get it,” changes the game. We’re validated and can lay down the cross (the “negative self-judgment”) and rest. Then, we can get up and—with that more loving relationship with ourselves—start to get better faster.
I realized that suffering was suffering. No one, not even me, deserved to suffer. And everyone, even me, deserved help to get rid of it. So I practiced being easier on myself, stopped beating myself up about my anxiety, and I looked to my inner wisdom for help.
This self-compassion helped me to like and trust myself and begin to see glimpses of the good skills I used to cope with life. Quickly, I felt less vulnerable and more empowered to make the change I so desired—to get better.
So, back to the questions at the beginning of this article…
Why do we stress ourselves out? Why is it that being productive and getting tasks done is more important than healing and taking the time to feel calm?
The answer? Because healing isn’t tangible. You can’t check it off a list. It takes time and commitment.
The next step was realizing that in order to make my healing a priority, I needed one very important thing: respite.
Respite became part of my day. I transformed a corner of my home into a sacred place of contemplation, and I decided to spend time there everyday to breathe, meditate, and pray. In addition to taking time for stillness, I added a walk into my daily schedule to move my body and get out of my head.
I also started going on retreats. This was an incredible source of solace for me. It allowed me to take a break from my usual daily grind and focus solely on myself and my healing. The memories I cultivated from these retreats have become touchstones for me when my life starts to get chaotic.
We deserve to chill. We deserve to take a break from our lives. We deserve to heal. We deserve respite.
Here is your invitation to chill. I hope you accept.
You are cordially invited to heal from past and present hurts.
You are invited to let go of worries, because you now know that you can handle whatever comes your way. You can gain confidence in your skills in managing yourself and you can be proud of your response.
You are respectfully invited to connect with people. See relationships and situations from the big picture where things are not so personal, and not as “against you” as you thought. You see that everyone is going through their own stuff.
You are invited to stop taking yourself so seriously. Ease up. Relax.
I invite you to breathe easy since no matter what situation you are in, you are not alone.
I invite you to have more fun, more silliness, more love.
Humans have at least eighteen distinct types of smiles. I invite you to use one.
I invite you to share. Do you need more time to just chill?
-
How to Breathe Your Way to Inner Calm
“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum
Today I’d like to discuss something that I’ve found to be very important: our breathing.
“What do you mean our breathing? Don’t we do that all the time? Why do I need to read a blog post about it?”
Yes, we do this involuntarily, but did you know that there are different ways we breathe? Improper breathing can affect how we feel, mentally and physically, and, in reverse, how we feel can lead to improper breathing (if, for example, we’re stressed).
Imagine what’s going on in the following scenarios:
You’re being chased by a grizzly bear.
Chances are, you’re breathing rapidly, taking shallow breaths (drawing in minimal air to the lungs), expelling a lot of effort, and heavily expanding your chest. This is known as thoracic breathing, or chest breathing.
Thoracic breathing switches on our sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for that fight-or-flight response we get when we sense any kind of danger, stress, or threat.
Chest breathing doesn’t optimally use our lungs (via our diaphragm) and can even lead to hyperventilation.
This type of breathing isn’t necessarily bad, since it gives us the ability to run from that grizzly bear and can help during vigorous exercise. But we often do this unnecessarily, and it makes us feel more anxious and stressed.
You just did something relaxing and feel very calm.
Chances are, you’re breathing slowly (drawing in optimal air to the lungs via the diaphragm), expelling minimal effort, and expanding your abdomen/belly as you take in air. This is known as diaphragmatic breathing.
This type of breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which has the opposite effect of the fight-or-flight response, inducing a feeling of calm and relaxation.
Diaphragmatic breathing, or deep/belly breathing, is beneficial to both of our minds and bodies. In fact, it has scientifically been shown to help those suffering with PTSD, pain, depression, anxiety, and other debilitating conditions.
There’s a reason why it has been featured on the websites of NPR, Harvard, TIME, New York Times, the National Institutes of Health, and The Wall Street Journal.
As someone who tends to exhibit the fight-or-flight response at unnecessary and non-threatening times (a work in progress!), I can personally attest to how deep breathing reduces the adverse effects of tension, stress, and anxiety.
Back before I learned about deep belly breathing, I often went into fight-or-flight mode when I felt uncertain and worried about my relationships, finances, school, meeting deadlines, or my health, and it only made things worse.
I didn’t want to continually work my body and mind into an unnecessary frenzy over situations that didn’t warrant it.
Everything changed when I began my journey into the world of yoga.
To help us improve our breathing, my teacher would often tell us to lie down on the ground and place one hand on our belly and the other on our heart. She’d then instruct us to visualize the breath expanding in our belly as we inhale, through contraction of our diaphragm, and notice our belly slowly deflating as we exhale.
We would switch between inhaling through the nose and exhaling out through the mouth, as well as sighing out through our mouth as we exhaled. (Side note: I highly recommend sighing out through your mouth to release tension—it feels great! Make some noise with it too!)
By the end of the class, we would work up to pranayama, which is the ancient practice of controlling the breath, and I would find myself feeling a sense of calm. If you’re interested, you can read more about pranayama here, and this TIME article provides some pranayama exercises as well.
I’ve taken the breathing exercises I learned in my yoga classes and have started practicing them in my daily life. If I feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or restless, I take a few minutes to perform some belly breathing, and I instantly feel more at ease.
It’s important to note that deep breathing isn’t a cure-all and won’t get rid of the underlying problems that are causing you stress. But it can at least provide you with a temporary sense of calm, which will help you find clarity and think rationally in difficult situations.
If you’d like to give deep breathing a try, you may want to start with one of these exercises.
General Deep Breathing
This is a simple technique you can use anywhere. Find a place to sit or lie down and take a moment to breathe as you normally would.
When you’re ready, breathe in slowly through your nose and feel your abdomen expand fully. I personally like to close my eyes, but you can leave them open if you prefer.
Now breathe out slowly through your mouth or nose (whichever feels better) and feel your abdomen slowly deflate. If you’d like, you can place your hands on your belly so you can physically feel what it’s doing.
I recommend trying this breathing technique for at least eight rounds of inhaling and exhaling. Play around with doing it for shorter or longer periods of time and breathing in/out through your mouth/nose, and make sure to do what works best for you.
Four-Seven-Eight Technique
This practice makes use of counting while you inhale and exhale to maximize belly breathing. In this technique, you inhale through the nose and count to four, hold your breath for a count of seven, and then exhale for a count of eight. You can find a guided video here.
Visual Breathing Guide
This is a fantastic video that provides a visual reference to sync your breaths to. It could be an invaluable resource to help you slow down, calm down, and take deep breaths.
*Note: If you ever find yourself feeling worse or hyperventilating after doing any breathing exercises, please stop practicing them. We are all unique, and what may work for one person may not work for another, so please be compassionate with yourself.*
—
There you have it: why and how we can use our breathing to our advantage, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Breathing isn’t just a biological survival mechanism; we can also use it as a tool to help induce relaxation and reduce the effects of stress, anxiety, and tension.
Who knew how much power our bellies hold? Go forth and give your belly (and your overall self) some much-needed, deep love!
-
5 Beliefs About Anxiety That Can Make You Even More Anxious
“It’s okay to not be okay all the time.” ~Unknown
I never thought of myself as an anxious person.
But here I was again, staring at a computer screen in my office, so stressed I could barely type. I’d been throwing myself into work and I had crashed—hard.
And this wasn’t the first time.
Unfortunately, our mental image of who we think we are and who we actually are don’t always match up. But part of being human is that we learn to live with that, we embrace the struggle, and we grow.
Over the last five years I’ve had a number periods of high anxiety, often triggered by work-related stress. In that time I’ve realized that my beliefs about anxiety were unhelpful, and they often worsened the experience.
When I was able to let go of the firm grip I had on these ideas, I found that when anxiety came to visit, it didn’t stay around as long as it used to.
Here are five beliefs about anxiety that can make you even more anxious. If you recognize them in yourself, I hope you can let them go when they arise.
1. It’s not normal (or okay) to have anxiety.
When you first start to notice your anxiety, you might think it’s not normal. The feelings in your body will be so intense that when you look around at other people, who on the surface look so calm, you won’t be able to believe that what’s happening to you might happening to them.
But I want you to know something. You are not alone.
Though everyone’s experience will be different, there are dozens of people you’ll come into contact with daily who have probably had similar feelings.
That guy who gave you your coffee this morning, he had a panic attack before work. The girl next to you at the bus stop, she’s trying to calm herself down right now. The boss who yelled at your coworker an hour ago, he’s anxious that his own boss is breathing down his neck.
Anxiety is common.
Holding onto the (false) belief that what’re you’re experiencing isn’t normal only intensifies the problem by making you feel separate from everyone else around you. It keeps you in your head where the question “Why is this happening to me?” may circle round and round without ever finding a good enough answer.
2. I need to get over my anxiety in X weeks, months, years.
Putting strict deadlines on when you want to completely rid yourself of anxiety is never useful. But I used to do this all the time.
The role that anxiety is going to play in your life isn’t predictable—you just can’t know. Telling yourself that you must overcome it in a certain amount of time is just going to feed it. Once you can truly learn to accept that you don’t know when or for how long it will come to visit, you’ll notice it does so a lot less often!
3. I can use my anxiety as a motivational tool.
One common way we often justify our anxiety is through the cliché “I work best under pressure,” but what we’re usually doing is placing an unnecessary amount of stress on our bodies and brains.
In the long term, this can leave us drained of the necessary energy to prevent and ward off anxious thoughts. When you experience stress, don’t focus on doing more. Just ride it out, let it pass, and try to be productive from a place of relative calm.
4. The magic bullet cure for my anxiety is out there somewhere.
Overcoming anxiety is a process, and holding onto the idea that you’re just one more book, course, or technique away from the ultimate cure will inevitably lead to disappointment, and typically more anxiety.
Take it day by day and relish in the small victories, and over time you’ll make progressive but sustainable changes in the way you handle your nerves.
5. Anxiety is all in my head.
This is completely false, and an unhelpful way to look at anxiety. It’s an issue with your nervous system, so it’s just as much in your body as it is in your head.
Trying to think or rationalize your way out of panic can often be a losing battle. By seeing the mind and body as connected, and both as home to your anxiety, you can develop more skillful control over your thoughts and feelings and not get caught up in a maze of worry.
If you don’t already have a movement related practice, something like yoga, Qigong or Tai Chi can be really useful for improving your ability to calm your body.
I’m not yet completely anxiety free, but every year I cope with it better and better.
Make small steps every day, congratulate yourself on the little wins, and remember that you are not alone!
-
How Your Ego Thrives on Fear and Keeps You Panicked
“The ego is the false self—born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue
“The soul is like a wild animal—tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, and yet exceedingly shy.” ~Parker Palmer
Does it sometimes seem like the world is just a little too much for you? Do you feel that you need to protect yourself from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune? (Thank you, Hamlet.) Are you a fragile flower being buffeted by life’s storms?
Then I think you’ve been listening to your ego too much. I understand all of those feelings very well, but I’ve recently discovered something life-changing: It’s only the ego, or small self, that’s fragile.
The soul—your authentic self—is a honey badger.
You know those honey badger videos on YouTube, where the little guy gets bitten by a cobra or stung by a whole swarm of African killer bees, but just keeps on going? That’s what your soul’s like. “Honey badger don’t care…”
We always have access to these two different perspectives, but most of the time we’re so identified with the small self that we forget about our honey badger souls.
The ego is a prickly little thing, with a hair trigger reaction, ready to go off at a moment’s notice. The soul is incredibly calm and resilient—not touchy and reactive, and yet capable of taking effective action when needed with a minimum of fuss.
The ego’s self-appointed function is to help you get what you think you need from the world and prevent you from losing what you have. It’s fueled by fear, and sees threats everywhere. This fear leads inevitably to feelings of separation, lack, competition, judgment, grasping, and deep loneliness—in other words, suffering.
The soul, in contrast, is rooted in love and a deep-seated well-being. Things that put the small self in a tizzy often bounce right off it.
Recently, I had two experiences within days that gave me a brilliant chance to practice switching focus from ego to soul and seeing what a difference that could make. Neither one was really a “big deal,” and yet both had my poor little ego off and running. What a drama queen the ego is!
In both cases, a person I loved and trusted hurt my feelings, probably unintentionally. Misunderstandings happen; we’re all human. The real issue was my ego’s reaction, which was to immediately shut down in an effort to protect myself from being hurt again.
It went something like this: “Well, I’m certainly going to have to stop being around those people, because I never want that to happen again, and they obviously can’t be trusted anymore.”
The problem is, both of these people are part of a wellness community that I love. This community is all about personal growth—about learning to overcome the illusion of ego and live from the authentic self, or soul.
Pondering my instinctive response to protect myself, I had to ask: Just exactly what needs protecting here? The only answer I could come up with was my ego.
My ego felt hurt and vulnerable when these two people seemed to not understand or value me. My ego didn’t think it could handle that happening again, but when I checked in with my soul, it was like: “Honey badger don’t care…”
I had to laugh when I realized how unperturbed my soul was by what my ego saw as a huge affront and threat. Stonewall Jackson once said, “Never take counsel of your fears,” and yet that is exactly what we do when we put the touchy ego in charge of our reactions.
Ego is like the boy in the fable who raises the alarm at every passing shadow. Ironically, though, crying wolf like this only makes it harder to perceive a true threat when it comes along. The soul doesn’t waste time on false alarms, but when there’s a real need for action, it will roll on that just as fearlessly.
Here’s what my fragile ego thought it needed in order to be okay in the situations I mentioned: first and foremost, an apology to salve my hurt pride (ego is always big on pride); assurances that I really am loved and valued (more pride, with a touch of emotional neediness); and finally, an ironclad guarantee that something like this would never happen again (is that even possible, given that we are all human?).
Now, all of those things would be lovely to have, I’m not kidding. But do I actually need them? Not really. When I drop down to soul level, I find a sense of well-being and security that far transcends my ego’s desperate grasping for reassurance and amends.
Soul knows that I already have everything I need to be okay. Not that it’s a pushover by any means, but things like wounded pride, which are all-important to ego, don’t really faze the honey badger much. He’s got a much tougher hide and a bigger heart by far. Honey badgers do care, but not about the things ego finds important.
So this is how my soul dealt with these situations: First, because I felt genuinely hurt, I let myself feel that pain with compassion. I didn’t dismiss the hurt. Next, I looked carefully at my own part in what happened, to find out if there was anything I needed to clarify or apologize for. Then I reached out and expressed my feelings as kindly and truthfully as possible. And then I stopped.
This part is the trickiest of all. The ego hates uncertainty with a passion (at least, mine does). My ego wanted things resolved, pronto, and it was screaming at me to take action.
Maybe I should try to garner support and sympathy for myself by telling other people about what happened? That always feels good. Or else I could apologize profusely—for what, I’m not sure—and get everything patched up and smoothed over as quickly as possible. Or….
So once again I consulted my honey badger soul, who said: Sit tight. Everything is just fine. No worries at all, mate. As long as I was clear about my own role in the disagreements, my soul was content with that. No need to escalate, but also no need to overly justify or explain or “make nice.”
Unlike the ego, my soul knows that it’s only responsible for its own reactions, not everyone else’s. Gotta love that.
And so I waited. In one case, things have already ended up sorting themselves out very well—I’m sure far better than they would have had I listened to my ego. In the other, I’m still waiting (and that’s okay).
I’ve decided that, even in the face of this uncertainty, I don’t need to take extraordinary measures to “protect” myself, at least not yet. There might come a time for that, and I trust my soul to recognize it if it does.
When something like this happens to you—when your small self feels threatened and is telling you to attack or pull up the drawbridge—stop for a moment first and check in with your soul. Take some deep breaths and sink down under that surface panic.
What do you really need to do, if anything? Is there truly a threat, or is it just your fragile ego crying wolf again? Chances are slim that you’ll find your honey badger soul in a panic. Whether there’s action to be taken or you just need to sit tight for a while, the calm, resilient, and loving energy of your soul is always there to draw on.
-
The Benefits of Meditation: 10 Minutes to Peace, Clarity, and Focus
“Meditation teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.” ~Unknown
Do you feel overwhelmed at times? Or slightly lost? Do you struggle with anger, anxiety, or low self-esteem? Are you left with a mind that doesn’t seem to want to slow down?
If the answer is yes, rest assured that you are not the only one. There are many who feel the same way.
This is exactly how I felt five years ago. I was working hard as a musician, and I felt like I’d hit a brick wall. The harder I pushed with gigging, practicing, and writing, the more I felt my creativity take a dip and my overall happiness decline.
I remember feeling exhausted, and my life feeling heavy and serious. I felt burnt out, and the worst part was that the harder I tried, the more disconnected I felt. It was a classic case of burning the candle at both ends.
I was trying to be more creative and found that the opposite was happening.
Overwhelming, worrisome thoughts and feelings would arise, and I wouldn’t know what to do with them. One after the other, they kept coming.
I was very critical of myself at this time. I felt frustrated, stressed, and often, very low, with fear constantly knocking at the door.
I started wondering, “Am I the only one feeling like this? Why do I feel this way? What’s going on?”
Society had taught me that once I achieved what I wanted, I would be eternally happy. But I met people who had achieved their goals and amassed great wealth, and were still hugely stressed and unhappy. How could this be?
In Our Lowest Moment Lies an Opportunity for Personal Transformation
I recognized then that I was constantly blaming the outside world for things not going the way I wanted. I believed that life should make me happy. I slowly began to see this was far from the truth.
One day, I said, “Enough! Stop blaming other people and circumstances and take a good long look in the mirror.” This was hard at first, as a part of me still wanted to point the finger, but I knew this wasn’t going to serve or help anyone, least of all me.
I started reading a load of books, taking courses, and researching human behavior, covering topics such as psychology, self-help/development, emotional intelligence, spirituality, biology, and more.
After all this research, I realized that in order for me to be happier and more productive and have a better quality of life, I had to take a step back and realize that being busy isn’t cool, it’s a lack of priorities; that being stressed and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t the right path; that happiness is actually closer than I may have thought. The journey had begun…
An Inner Win to a Greater Outer Win
I have discovered that we can overcome our negative thoughts and feelings and deal with all of our challenges with a greater understanding and a sense of ease.
The secret is that first we must feeling centered within (our thoughts, feelings, and emotions), and then we can move to what our outer purpose is. This enables us to deal with challenges from a place of inner calm.
If the mind and body are working together, we have a much greater chance of knowing what we want and how to face it, rather than constantly trying to fill the void within with external gratification. External gratification can be beautiful, but first we need a strong foundation, anchoring our drive so that it can serve us and the people around us in an authentic way.
You deserve to live an amazing life. You deserve to be inspired. You deserve to be free and to live a life on your terms. And you can do all these things.
Transformation starts with ourselves, so in order for us to move into a happier state of being, we first need to be kind to ourselves, and to have a little bit of discipline and the willingness to awaken our greatest selves.
Creating Some Well Deserved Headspace
Imagine you’re watching your favorite play. During the show many different scenes occur; there’s a love scene and moments of anger, tragedy, and betrayal, along with a whole load of excitement.
Now, imagine that during the play, you run onto the stage and cause a load of confrontation because you don’t like one of the scenes and want to stop it.
Once you jumped up there you’d probably feel a little foolish, and might leave with your tail between your legs, feeling baffled and confused after turning and seeing an angry audience now wanting their money back.
Well, what if you viewed the mind in the same way? Let’s say you’re sitting at home, minding your own business, when an angry thought suddenly arises.
It may have a character and there may be a storyline within it—something that happened that bothered you or something someone did that upset you. What do you do? A lot of the time, we get sucked into our negative, angry thoughts and are left feeling worse than we originally felt.
We have metaphorically run onto the stage in our minds, and the angry audience is usually our close family or friends.
Now what if I told you that you don’t even have to go into the angry thought? You can simply watch it and let it play, like you would at the cinema or the theater. You simply see it, with little judgment, and let it pass. The seeing of the thought is the beginning of liberation.
This is one of the first major steps toward a healthier, happier mind. By simply seeing the thought, we begin to disassociate with it, leaving space for it to pass while we continue with our day.
Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness is the day-to-day seeing of the mind, called “awareness” in many circles. If we are mindful, we see our thoughts and let them come and go like scenes in a show.
By simply seeing the thought, we are then left with a choice: to let it go or hold onto it. We then need to ask ourselves, do I want to react angrily, or do I want to let it go and deal with the situation constructively?
Meditation is training for situations like these. This can simply be a ten-minute space in your day where you may sit, or a part of the day where your attention is focused entirely on what you are doing.
You may have already had moments like this when you exercise, when you are in an intense state of creativity, or when you’re entranced by a beautiful sunset.
You are focused, present, and not distracted. If we can develop this in our practice, we’ll be better prepared to handle challenges in our everyday life.
Meditation can be seen as a little woo woo. The thought of a bunch of monks in robes come to mind, or maybe lit candles, bells, gongs, and floating off to some eternal bliss. We need to let go of the clichés to realize how much benefit it really has. The value it can add to your life is immense.
Who Is Using It and What Are The Benefits?
Mindfulness and meditation have really taken off in the west, with major businesses, military centers, schools, and celebrities all getting involved. The big question is “why?” Why does a major company like Google have its own meditation rooms and courses?
Let’s dig a little deeper into the health benefits so you can see the potential of just taking ten minutes out of your day for your great self.
10 Ways Meditation Benefits Your Day-to-Day Life, Work, and Relationships
1. It lowers your stress level and improves your focus and attention.
2. It reduces worry, anxiety, and impulsivity.
3. It increases empathy and helps you develop positive relationships.
4. It can improve your information processing and decision-making skills.
5. It increases positive emotions.
6. It improves your memory.
7. It enhances your ability to set aside mental chatter.
8. It decreases feelings of loneliness and helps reduce social isolation.
9. It increases feelings of compassion.
10. It increases grey matter in keys areas of the brain associated with compassion and awareness.
Getting Started
What do I do? Where do I start? What type of meditation do I do?
I asked all these questions when I sat down to do my first meditation. There’s so much information out there, and it can be overwhelming at times, so I want to keep it simple and actionable.
First, find a comfortable place to sit; it can be a chair or the end of your bed. If you can find somewhere that has few distractions, that will be helpful. Next, close your eyes and begin to focus on your breath.
Write on your to-do list when you intend to meditate, or couple it with something you do regularly (i.e.: brushing your teeth, before/after a shower). This will help you make meditation a habit.
3 Tips for Once You Begin Meditating
1. Expectation
Don’t expect the mind to stop. The point of meditation is not to stop your thoughts, but rather to clearly see the mind with clarity and non-judgment.
Think of your thoughts as passing cars on the road or clouds in the sky. Remember, it’s a skill, so at first you may be a little shocked by how many thoughts there are. But don’t worry—this is perfectly normal. The mind will, with time, begin to free up a little and the thoughts will lessen. Ahh, peace!
2. Effort—Finding the Balance
We can’t force our mind to be quiet. Think about when you can’t sleep, so you say to yourself, “I can’t sleep,” and you start to try harder. What happens? Ironically, you struggle to sleep. So the idea is to have a nice amount of attention and focus but an equal balance of relaxation and rest.
3. Unveiling Happiness in the Now
Once we have a healthy balance of expectation and effort, we can then move to the realization of stillness. This is the realization that happiness is already here, in this moment now. This will become clearer once you are into regular exercises.
Rather than trying to create peace within, we simply realize it’s already here. This is one of the first steps toward internal mastery.
When Should You Do It?
I normally recommend you do it first thing in the morning, but that’s only if that works for you. Everyone has different schedules, so choose a time when you know you’ll have ten minutes free.
Common Road Blocks
Watch out for the classic excuses, such as “I don’t have time to do it.” Yes, you do! As Tony Robbins once famously said, “If you don’t have ten minutes, you don’t have a life.” If you want to awaken your greatest self, give yourself that well-deserved mini break, so when you come back to your routine you’re rejuvenated and ready for the rest of the day.
“I’ll do it tomorrow” is another classic, and it never happens. There is no time like the present, so just do it!
And finally, the ultimate excuse: “This all sounds to be good to be true; this will never work for me.” We now have so many scientific studies to back up the benefits, so give it a go, follow it along, and enjoy them.
Whatever the excuse may be, I promise you that slowing yourself down for ten minutes can begin to change your whole world dramatically.
I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t like a bit more peace, focus, and clarity in their life, and it’s all here for us, right here, right now.
-
How to Instantly Calm Yourself in Stressful Situations
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor Frankl
There’s a big lie we tell ourselves during stressful times.
It keeps us feeling lost, afraid, and unloved, like we’re being picked up and carried away helplessly by a storm.
Our heads can fill with scary images, words, and stories about the cause and who is to blame for our unwanted pain.
Sound familiar? If it does, you’re not alone. You’re normal. This is how humans biologically respond to stress.
So what’s the big lie?
The big lie is that we have no control over our stress response. Actually, we do. A lot of control.
I’ve struggled the hard way through my fair share of troubling times. I’ve experienced money and job issues, battled with health, and been pushed in challenging relationships.
But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is I grew up a highly sensitive person, who would internally react to almost anything that could be interpreted as negative.
Of the feelings above, I hopelessly sat at the “feel all of them” end of the scale.
That was until a particularly trying relationship caused me so much stress and anxiety that I became sick of my unconscious reactions, and vowed to do everything possible to stop it (or make it easier).
Through research and a lot of experimenting I created a practical way to calm myself down instantly anywhere, anytime, when a meditation cushion or reassuring book was out of reach.
The technique was so simple and powerful that it pulled me through a harrowing experience in that relationship, and has held me together in plenty of experiences since.
It’s easy to remember, has an instant effect on your mind body, and most importantly, is simple enough to be remembered and used when you’re going through the eye of your own stress storms.
How to Calm Yourself In Two Minutes
Take a moment right now to make yourself comfortable and try these four steps yourself:
1. Freeze yourself.
Remember the game you played as a child when you suddenly stopped mid-motion, like you were frozen in ice? Do that now. Halt your body parts, emotions, and thought processes. Think of yourself as a cartoon character that’s been hit with a stun gun. You can even make it a little dramatic if it helps.
2. Focus on your index finger.
(Skip to this if you find the first step difficult). For twenty to sixty seconds, concentrate solely on the back of your index finger. Let your mind and body be consumed by it.
Bring it closer to you. Study the rivets, creases, and those tiny little fingerprint lines. If your situation is noisy, let the sounds around you merge into a single background buzz, and let it fade out of your attention.
3. Take a conscious breath.
Let go of your focus and check back in with your body. Take a deep, conscious breath in, then let it go through your mouth, slowly and calmly, creating a wave of relaxation that starts in your chest and floats out through your being to the surface of your skin.
4. Look around consciously.
As you re-integrate with your surroundings, scan the scene in front of you. Remain as indiscriminate as possible with what you focus on the way you would when waking up in the morning.
Take conscious note of the thoughts that are trying to push back into your head and observe them with an attitude of curiosity.
How do you feel?
You might now feel a little more in touch with your senses, distanced from previous thoughts, and connected with the present moment.
Most importantly, you’ll recognize that the root of your discomfort is your thoughts. Everything else, like emotions, and physical discomfort, and pain, start there.
If you’re having difficulty slowing down the mind at the beginning, try this: If you meditate regularly, spend the last minute of your session focused on the same finger, in the same way. Doing this will associate (or anchor) the feelings of clarity, relaxation, and attachment with the action.
And if you don’t meditate, it’s a great time to start! It will help with your ability to cope with stressful situations generally, and dramatically improve the effects of this technique.
Why This Technique Works
Stress is a mental or physical tension, and both manifest from your relationship to the procession of thoughts in your head.
Mindfulness allows you to step out of the procession and watch it go past, without being carried down the fast-flowing river.
When we get pulled down a heavy stream, our emotions and bodies react as if the danger or pain contained in the thought is real, immediate, and must be dealt with now. That’s why we feel discomfort even when someone reminds us of a stressful situation we were trying to forget.
Reconnecting with the present reminds us that here is the only time there really is.
Focusing on your hands is an ancient Ayurvedic practice that helps to ground the soul and provide stability in the physical body.
Try It for Yourself
The most important reason this technique works is it gives you something back—control.
We may not be able to choose what happens to us in our lives, but as Viktor Frankl says, we can always choose our response.
Give it a go next time you feel yourself panicking (and be sure to let us know how you go in the comments below).
-
Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It
“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown
We had just reached cruising altitude, and my friend and I were settling in for the eight-hour flight from Tokyo to Honolulu. Exhausted after spending the day in the airport, we were excited to finally be in the air with beaches awaiting us at our destination.
Jered and I were on an adventure around the world flying with standby tickets to any destination that had open seats. Even though we had been trying to get a seat to Bangkok, then Sydney, then Seoul, then Frankfurt, and then Paris, all with no luck, we decided to take the only available seats on the last plane of the day.
After getting comfortable we decided to pass the time by racing each other in solving our Rubik’s cubes (what can I say; this is what we did for fun). It turns out this odd hobby was about to help me on the road to improving my inner calmness.
“BANG!” We hit sudden, unexpected turbulence from a winter storm. I only remember two things: my stomach squishing into my throat as we hit an air pocket and a little girl in the aisle flying to the ceiling.
Thankfully, there was a nearby flight attendant who heroically jumped, caught the girl, and curled up on the floor before she got hurt.
The plane was jerking violently in all directions. People were screaming. The pilot was on the intercom saying something, but no one could hear it over the chaos.
Throughout the maelstrom my friend and I stayed focused on our cubes, continuing to spin their sides as we attempted to solve them before the other could. While my exterior seemed calm and focused, in my mind I was screaming.
My hands were clammy and it became harder to keep my hold on the plastic toy in my hands. I was afraid I was going to die.
The worst of it was over in twenty or so minutes, but the flight was still rough for several hours. As the sun started to rise and the flight had been calm for a couple hours, passengers slowly started to liven up again, chatting with the people around them about the experience.
Having spent the time focused on the cube in front of me, I was surprised when the guy sitting next to me said, “Man, I was freaking out. I was about to lose it, but then I looked over and saw you two just playing with those things. You two were so calm that it helped me calm down too.”
This struck me as odd since I felt the same way he did, just internally. But soon other passengers sitting around us around us started chiming in, sharing the same experience. It seems a wave of collective calm slowly rolled over the back of the plane helping to ease some of the tension.
Without being aware of it, I projected calmness to the people around me. They in turn became calmer. And ultimately my internal fear started to fade away as well.
It was a surreal experience, but it became clear to me that calmness was contagious, even if I was only faking it.
In many meditative traditions a calm, clear mind is often said to be like a still pond under a full moon. The smooth surface is transparent, allowing the moonlight to clearly illuminate the bottom of the pond. It is also like a mirror, reflecting back in perfect detail the moon and the night sky.
Unfortunately, however, our minds are not always clear. The surface is full of ripples that make it hard to see the bottom and distort the image of the moon. While these ripples are sometimes created by the wind or the environment, most of them are caused by rocks dropped into the pond; rocks created in our minds.
These rocks are emotions like anger, hatred, or fear. Often without realizing it we are constantly throwing these stones into our ponds, never letting it return to stillness.
Returning to a calm mind is simple. Just stop throwing rocks and let the waves calm down on their own. Despite this, we often try to calm our minds by throwing more rocks into to pond.
Sometimes when I can tell my wife is upset with me, but tells me nothing is wrong, I start to provoke her, “What’s wrong? I know something is wrong! Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong!?”
I genuinely want to calm things down but, as you can imagine, I end up making her feel worse because I continue to throw rocks instead of letting things calm down on their own.
When we do stop throwing rocks, though, the effect can be powerful and lasting. As we are interconnected with others, the stillness of our mind, the refusal to throw rocks, can help others find the same peace.
When people see that your mind is clear it helps them realize that they too can let go.
I still think about that flight from time to time, but mostly when I’m flying. I used to be a fearless flyer, but even today I feel pangs of panic, that squirt of adrenaline down the back of my neck, every time a plane bumps or shakes.
However, as I’ve increased my awareness of my own emotions, I can sense when I’m holding a rock and then I set it down.
Here’s an exercise to try. Next time there’s something or someone causing you distress: stop talking. Pause and take a moment to take a few deep breaths. Begin to watch your thoughts and note the upsetting ones. Don’t ignore them, just notice them. These are your rocks.
As you notice anger or hatred forming in your mind, imagine it as a rock. See yourself holding that rock, poised to toss it into your mind. But instead of throwing it, picture yourself gently setting it down beside you. Take a deep breath. Let it go.
Practice this when you can. Not only does cultivating calmness have tremendous effects on your personal state of mind, you never know how big an effect you may have on the others around you.
Photo by oddsock
-
21 Easy Ways to Create a Calm Mind (Without Meditating)
“Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy great inner peace.” ~Remez Sasson
While juggling a full-time job and my writing, I found it easy to lose track of the days. Weekends ceased to exist, and my life ebbed and flowed between working and writing, the two constantly blurring into one another.
I dragged myself from day to day without a moment’s rest in between. When I did rest, I’d feel guilty for taking a break from working on my dreams, and it didn’t take long for the guilt to turn into frustration.
I wondered whether I’d ever reach my dream of writing full-time, if and when it would ever come.
I intended on using every free moment I had from my job to write, without realizing the true consequences of what I was doing. And by constantly pushing myself forward, I never gave my mind the space it needed to shape and form my thoughts; I never allowed myself to simply be, which resulted in all kinds of mental blocks and frustrations that met my writing progress head-on.
I was on my way to burnout, and fast, and I knew I needed to make a change. So I turned to meditation. It helped me become more mindful throughout the day and approach my writing from a new angle of clarity.
As I began to incorporate mindfulness into my daily routine, I found it easier to give myself permission to relax and unwind from the pressures of my day job, rather than simply filling every moment with something more to do.
Mindfulness Goes Beyond Meditation
While meditation can help you become more attuned with your mind, you already possess all the tools you need to reap the benefits of a quiet, calm mind.
By simply tuning into the small things in life, you can work your way towards a greater happiness and fulfillment in your own life. Here are twenty-one ways you can boost the quality of your mind without meditating.
1. Create a mindfulness mantra.
As Eckhart Tolle says, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” Every morning I remind myself that my new life starts today, which helps me step into the now and connect more deeply with the present moment and separate myself from the worries of my mind.
2. Remind yourself you’re not your thoughts.
Whenever a negative thought occurs in your mind, simply identify it as a “thought” or “feeling” and move on. You’re not scorn or regret, and you’re not self-doubt or anger. You’re separate from your thoughts, and they’re separate from you, so why dwell on them?
3. Accept that thoughts arise naturally.
And if you can’t change them, then why bother trying to replace them with different and “better” thoughts? Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t control, but don’t ignore them either; simply move past them and choose not to identify with them, even as they cloud your mind.
4. Breathe.
Take a long breath through your nose and breathe it out through your mouth. This can help to calm you and remind you that your thoughts are a small part of the infinitely vast world around you.
5. Thank someone in any way you can.
Even the small act of saying “thanks” to a cashier can reconnect us with the present moment, and it can also prevent us from becoming stuck in our own thoughts, which block us from enjoying life as it comes.
6. Smile at a stranger.
Smiling helps focus our attention outward to the people around us, and by reconnecting with this gratitude for others, we can connect more deeply to the present moment and remind ourselves to simply be.
7. Go for a nature walk.
Go for a walk and fade into the environment around you, and listen for sounds you’d otherwise have missed.
8. Keep a daily gratitude habit.
Keeping a gratitude journal helps pull us away from the stress of the day. It also forces us to appreciate life as it comes and find the good in every day.
9. Leave your phone on silent all day.
You can also turn off your phone’s notifications, as these can be distracting and pull you away from the present moment. Your messages will still be waiting for you there later when you’re ready to go through them.
Turning your ringer off can also stop each disruption from clogging your mind and blocking you from the peace of mind you could be having throughout the day.
10. Eat slowly.
Focusing on the texture and the taste of what you eat can help remind you that while all feelings are temporary, it’s important to truly experience the moments as they come, rather than letting them pass you by.
11. Drink tea.
Tea can help calm your nerves and slow down your thoughts and connect you more to the present moment.
12. Take a bath.
Baths can help you relax by forcing you to take a step back from the bustle of the day, and they can be a great way to let your worries fall away as they fade into the heat of the water.
13. Listen to instrumental music.
It’s proven to boost your ability to focus, which can raise your quality of mind and help you relax when your thoughts won’t stop coming.
14. Tackle one of the most stressful things on your to-do list.
While it’s important to be mindful despite the demands of your day, don’t avoid completing a stressful task on your list if it’s giving you unneeded anxiety. If you need to finish your taxes, for example, but keep putting them off, then it might be useful to complete them to get rid of the stressful thoughts that come from procrastinating.
15. Have a deep conversation with somebody you know.
Fully focus on the other person and listen to what they have to say. By not simply waiting to say our piece, we can help pull ourselves out of our own heads and connect more deeply to the moment by showing appreciation to the people we talk with.
16. Watch your favorite show.
It’s important to take time out of our day to reward ourselves, and indulging in a simple pleasure like watching a show we like can help us step away from our worries and enjoy our free moments from the bustle of life.
17. Write a haiku or any restrictive poem.
This can challenge you to be creative in ways that free-form writing can’t do, and can help you recapture a moment in your life that was pleasant but fleeting.
18. Do a word puzzle.
Crosswords can help your mind be creative and can boost your intelligence, as well as the overall clarity of your thoughts. They can also provide a break from your daily routines, all while being fun to complete.
19. Do the dishes.
Doing the dishes can be a great way to take a break from life, and also be productive while you’re at it. Cleaning dishes can help you feel great, and it pulls you away from your current thoughts, which, in turn, can give your mind permission to relax and recharge from the stress of the day.
20. Stare at a piece of art you love.
Whether it’s the Mona Lisa, a poem you like, or a drawing that your spouse made, nothing is off the table here. Art is subjective, and it can help you feel and fully embody the moment by showing your appreciation for the work of others. (Just don’t think about why you like something, as that’s not important here).
21. Pet a dog or cat.
Feel the fur beneath your hands and the softness of their skin. Petting an animal can help release our tensions and connect us to the moment, and can pull us away from our thoughts.
Sometimes we’re so busy focusing on ourselves that we forget to enjoy the moments as they come. We become trapped in the confines of the day-to-day and the span of our own goals, and we forget to enjoy the beauty of life and the little things.
Being more mindful helped remind me that all good things come with time, and there’s no sense in working so hard if you don’t enjoy life as it comes. It helped me escape the pressures of my job and embrace my writing without allowing it to consume my life, and it helped remind me to enjoy life again by tapping into the power of the present moment.
We All Have Time To Be Mindful
Mindfulness doesn’t have to be time-consuming or all-encompassing. You can easily use any of these techniques throughout your day to calm your mind and keep yourself fixed in the present moment and free from your worries.
Just don’t forget to stop once in a while and breathe it all in.
-
8 Meditation Mistakes to Avoid if You Want to Feel Calm and Peaceful
“Three things you cannot recover in life: the word after it’s said, the moment after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.” ~Unknown
Do you meditate?
I do. I come from a Buddhist family, and meditation is like an heirloom to me.
I didn’t start meditating until I was an adult. But when I did, I meditated diligently. From forming a meditation habit to getting the latest meditation app, I’ve done it all.
And one day I got a little worried.
I didn’t feel much difference. I didn’t feel calm and peaceful like I was supposed to feel.
In fact, I didn’t feel anything.
Nothing has changed. I was still the irritable, depressed person that I was. Meditation felt like a waste of time.
Later, I was shocked to discover how many mistakes I was making.
I want you to avoid these mistakes so that you can meditate efficiently without wasting your time as well.
1. You don’t embrace distractions.
I used to hate distraction. I’d use earplugs, lock my door, and yell at everybody to shut up before I meditated.
By all means, minimize distraction. But realize no matter what you do, something’s going to bother you. If you’re like me, you become more irritated each time you get distracted or interrupted. This is counterproductive.
The whole point of meditation is to observe distractions as they occur, and not to be carried away by them. Embracing distraction is part of the practice. When you do, you’ll feel much more laid back, and everything else will fall into place.
2. You only meditate with external aids.
When meditation was popularized, meditation apps, meditation music, and guided meditation also became a fad.
These external aids direct your thoughts and get you relaxed and concentrated. If you have difficulty meditating traditionally, they’re certainly viable alternatives.
However, a big part of meditation is facing your inner thoughts on your own. This cultivates insight and wisdom. If your thoughts are being guided externally, you’ll miss out on an opportunity to self-realization.
If you want your practice to be well-rounded, you should devote some time to meditate with only your mind and body, even if you do enjoy using apps or guided meditations.
3. You seek escape in meditation.
I used to abuse meditation to suppress my strong negative feelings. As long as I concentrated only on my breath, I could stop myself from thinking about my problems.
But then I learned that focus isn’t a hammer of suppression; it’s a ray of light. The light of your meditative awareness will bring up your problems in the form of thoughts. It’s your job to face and neutralize them in the process.
When strong feelings emerge, put your awareness on those feelings before returning to your focus. Otherwise, you would be suppressing your emotions to the detriment of your mental health.
Observe the feeling, let it grow, and it’ll naturally dissolve.
4. You’re doing the wrong meditation for your body type.
If you feel physically or mentally uncomfortable while meditating, you may be doing the wrong meditation.
I have a slight nose condition. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to breathe comfortably through my nose. At those times, meditation became torturous because I would strain my tracheal muscle badly afterward. I decided to drop breathing meditation soon after.
Meditation is not a battle. Fighting discomfort is neither healthy nor helpful. There’s no reason why meditation shouldn’t be comfortable. Stop doing your current meditation if you’re in a similar situation.
5. You don’t try out other types of meditation.
No one meditation technique is superior to one another. For example, most of us meditate to cultivate mindfulness. Breathing is not the only way to do so. Many meditation techniques can achieve the same purpose.
There are mantra meditations, visualization meditations, walking meditations, contemplation meditations, as well as various schools of Vipassana meditations for you to choose from.
After I dropped breathing meditation, I tried many other techniques and finally settled on mantra meditation. It felt much more natural to me.
Learn different techniques from credible teachers. Try out the ones that appeal to you.
If you’re already content with your current meditation, great. But remember you always have the option to explore different meditations. Maybe you’ll find one that you love even more.
6. You don’t stick with one meditation technique for long enough.
While you should explore different techniques, avoid switching around all the time.
If you do, you wouldn’t be familiar enough with a technique, and there won’t be enough time for its benefits to come to fruition.
Practice a technique until you know it inside out before you determine whether you should move on or not.
The exception here is that if a meditation clearly makes you physically or mentally uncomfortable, you should stop right away.
7. You have unrealistic goals.
I used to meditate to reach “enlightenment.” Needless to say, I didn’t get there.
And I thought it would make me at least a tad calmer, or give me some obvious health benefits. I didn’t get both.
I was expecting too much. And it drove me crazy.
Don’t expect too much, and don’t expect anything too soon. Meditation is not the magic cure that could banish all your stress and turn you into an enlightened being in just a few days, months, or even years.
Remember, the masters meditated day and night for decades to reach where they are.
Unrealistic expectations prevent you from focusing on your practice. When you have high expectations, you focus on results instead of the process. This is counterproductive, as it takes away the present moment awareness that meditation offers.
Whenever I find myself expecting, I remind myself that I’m not trying to get anything from meditation. As I do so, the practice becomes much more enjoyable. And in the end, by releasing my expectations, meditation does make me more peaceful.
8. You never learned how to meditate.
If you don’t study meditation thoroughly, you won’t be able to discover your own mistakes. And if you continue your practice with these mistakes, you’ll waste your precious time at best and injure yourself mentally or physically at worst.
Read a wide variety of books on meditation, watch videos and listen to lectures by different teachers, join a meditation forum online or social group in person. Expand your knowledge constantly. Use that knowledge to improve your practice regularly.
If you can afford it, it’s best to learn from a trustworthy and reputable teacher. A good teacher will not only guide you through advanced meditations safely, they will also help you save a lot of time and avoid most mistakes from the outset.
Guidance from a teacher is necessary if you’re interested in meditations using mantras or visualization. Some of these meditations are potentially dangerous to your mental health.
Until you can get a teacher or become knowledgeable enough, stick with basic meditations. Avoid visualizations, contemplations, and esoteric mantras you don’t understand.
Meditation Has Never Felt So Good
Now that you know what to avoid in meditation, you’ll able to make much more progress than I have in a much shorter time.
With this knowledge in mind, identify your mistakes and correct them.
Then meditation will no longer feel like a chore. You’ll actually want to sit down and meditate. Not because you think you should, but because it feels so good. And you can be assured that no matter what happens during the session, you’ll remain peaceful, calm, and happy.
Yes, it is possible.
So get to work, and let a whole new journey begin.
