Tag: calling

My Path to Purpose and an Unexpected Impact

I wanted to be Mary Tyler Moore’s “Mary Richards” TV character from the 1970s. She had exactly what I wanted: independence and an exciting life! But growing up as the first girl in a traditional Italian family, I knew she was not the right role model.

Nonetheless, I ignored the expected path (much to my parents’ dismay) and spent twelve years in corporate America becoming Mary. That is, until two questions rocked my world. I dramatically left my job, career, and Mary for a more purposeful path that was mine, and I never looked back.

As a nine-year-old girl in front of the TV memorizing my idol’s every move, I could never have imagined this would be my story.

As a successful television marketing executive in New York City, I had everything Mary had: a thrilling job in a big city, a pretty apartment, a fabulous wardrobe, a fun best friend, and co-workers like family. But one afternoon, while sitting alone in my pretty apartment in the big city of New York, my life changed forever when I heard an inner voice quietly yet clearly ask me:

“If this is the next thirty years of your life, is this enough?”

I was thirty-eight years old, and I knew all the voices in my head, but this one felt like it came from a deeper place and was located a little lower. In a millisecond, I knew the answer: No, something was missing. And I also knew what that something was—children.

My mind went right to a recent TV news report where police and social workers were storming an apartment to remove children who were being hurt. I called the police and asked where they brought these children. They told me about the emergency shelters in our city for children who were abandoned and abused.

Within minutes, I began calling these shelters, instinctively asking if I could visit in the evenings with storybooks to read to the children before bedtime. For several weeks, I showed up at the shelters, sitting on the floor in my business suit, with the children forming a crescent circle around me. I felt more personally grounded and connected to these children with every visit.

The group of children was never the same, but in their silence, they all looked to me for comfort and safety. I never wanted to leave. One night after story time, I followed the staff to the bedroom.

The children slowly climbed onto couches and futons. Some were crying as the compassionate caregivers tried to comfort them. But I didn’t see what I remembered as a child in my own bed. There were no hugs from moms or dads, no snacks, whispers, or prayers. There was no changing of their clothes from the tight or soiled clothing they arrived in.

As I watched the children try to comfort themselves and each other, the words that tumbled out of my mouth were, “Can I bring the children pajamas next time?”

The next week, after I read their stories, I gave each child a brand new pair of pajamas. One little girl, about six years old, refused to take a pair of pink PJs from me. Her hair hung in lopsided pigtails, she wore a stained top and a pair of too-short lavender pants, and extra-large sneakers flopped as she walked.

She watched me for a long time, and when I finished with the others, I tried again to give her the cozy pink pair. She again shook her head. I knelt and whispered, “See how soft these pajamas are? Go ahead and feel them. You can keep them always.” And as she gingerly brushed her hand gently across a sleeve, she asked me wearily,

“What are pajamas?”

My mind raced. What?? I looked up at the loving aid next to her, who mouthed to me, “She doesn’t know what pajamas are.” And I found myself explaining to this precious girl what pajamas are. She took them slowly and went into the bedroom with the aid. As I collected myself and reached the door, I turned back and saw her waiting for me to see her in her new pajamas, a small smile forming on her lips.

I took a leap of courage, and the Pajama Program was born. My purpose found me.

Learning how to recognize and harness your heart voice is the key. Although it only takes a minute to hear it, it takes a while to trust and follow it.

So, how do you trust that voice? I was stunned and had to collect myself before I even thought about what I had heard. I was alone, but I looked around cautiously to see if someone else was there. There was no one. But I already knew who asked that question—it was me, just in an unfamiliar voice.

Learning how to recognize and harness your heart voice is the key. Although it only takes a minute to hear it, it takes a while to trust it and follow where it takes you. What happens next can catapult you into the unknown. But if you follow it, you will feel more fulfillment and joy than you ever have.

Going from corporate executive to nonprofit founder was daunting, but after much fear and doubt, thousands of sleepless nights, and tears that could fill the Atlantic, I overcame challenges that I thought would ruin everything. Sometimes you just have to do it afraid.

I met each turn with faith, determination, and moxie. I had found my purpose, and a chain of events set in motion by a little girl is creating a legacy we can only attribute to the magic of the human connection.

“It’s not the power of one that changes things; it’s the power of ONE ANOTHER that moves mountains and moves people.”

How do you go from “hearing a voice” to not only changing your life but also the lives of others? Each of us has a purpose. We know we have found it when our interests are turned outward and our natural desire becomes to lift others up by creating something that makes a lasting impact on all of us.

August 14, 2024
If You Haven’t Found Your Purpose: How to Feel Good Anyway

“The person who lives life fully, glowing with life’s energy, is the person who lives a successful life.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

We’ve all heard the phrase “find your life purpose.” It gets thrown around so much nowadays. Many of us have been in what feels like an eternal quest to find it, especially if we’ve been feeling stuck, lost, and out of alignment. Finding our purpose then becomes an almost obsessive search for the solution that will solve all our problems.

We’ve been led to believe that a life purpose is a single thing, a calling that we’ll be passionate about, and that we’ll know deep inside that we’ve found it. With it, we’ll feel accomplished and fulfilled and, instead of feeling stuck, we’ll have our answer as to what we’ll do day in and day out, giving meaning to why we’ve been put on this planet Earth.

On the flip side, we believe that without one, we’ll live an uninspired, lackluster life. Without one, we’ll feel out of alignment and be forever stuck.

But what if I told you that’s not true? That what you think you know about finding your life purpose is, in fact, the thing that’s keeping you stuck, and that you can stop searching for your life purpose and still be fulfilled?

I know this may sound like a big claim. But after close to two decades of trying to find my own life purpose, I’ve finally learned that a life purpose is not an actual destination and much less the final step. It’s more about a general feeling than a tangible single thing we do. Let me explain.

I used to be the poster child for doing everything right and by the book. You gave me directions, I followed. I did what I was told to do, no questions asked. I studied what I thought was a sensible career choice and would be expected from a straight-A student that loved math (bachelor’s and master’s in economics, thank you very much).

My interest in finding my purpose first started during what I thought was my last semester at university. As I thought was expected from a math nerd like me, I was doing the honors stream in economics and needed the approval of the head of the department to graduate. Turns out that, even though I had chosen an elective as per the instructions in the program rule book, the head felt my choice was too “easy” compared to what my peers had chosen and, as such, could not let me graduate from the honors program.

I had to either graduate from the regular economics stream or stay an extra semester to do a more “difficult” course. (Spoiler alert: I did the extra course and did my master’s too, even though I knew deep down that was not what I really wanted to do. I did it because that’s what I thought I should do.)

Now, you may think (and I don’t blame you here—these are my thoughts too now in hindsight), what was the big deal about that? Just finish school and get on with life!

But for me, at that moment, my world came crashing down. It was then that I realized for the first time how I was defining my worth based on what I did and what others thought of me instead of from within. And that single event catapulted me to a journey of self-help and self-discovery that has now spanned twenty years.

The quest to find my life purpose thus began.

After graduation, I was feeling so lost that I became obsessed with finding my purpose, sure that once I’d found it, I’d stop feeling so stuck and uninspired, with life just passing me by. I yearned for my life to have meaning and was determined to find my purpose to get that.

For the next few years, I read books about how to find your purpose. I listened to podcasts and talks and even attended workshops. I was convinced that I’d eventually stumble on that thing that I was so passionate about and naturally good at that I could dedicate my life to doing it.

I asked myself what I liked to do and made lists. I asked others what they thought I was naturally good at. I took personality tests. Had my natal chart read. I even looked back to what I enjoyed doing as a kid in hope of finding my nugget of gold.

I tried it all, going down my list like at a grocery store: baking, creative writing, dancing, etc. The trouble was, regardless of what I did, as time advanced, I still felt lost and misaligned. In the meantime, I had to pay my student loans, so finding my purpose took the backseat as I worked in perfectly good jobs that paid the bills.

Fast-forward more than a decade later, and I was keenly aware that I had spent the last fifteen years working in corporate, feeling lost and stuck in a career I did not want, in jobs that didn’t fulfill me at all, leading a perfectly good normal life, married and with kids.

I had renewed my search for my life purpose with more vigor than before but kept hitting dead ends. Why couldn’t I have a passion that I could easily gain my life purpose from? What was so hard about finding a purpose that would help me get out of the rut and plug me into the fulfillment and inspiration I so desperately yearned for? Where was my purpose?

And then the unthinkable happened: I lost a very dear friend.

Her passing really shook me to the core. I closed off and broke down, letting myself mourn and feel all the feels. I asked myself some hard questions. If it had been me, would I feel like I’d lived to my fullest? Did I have any regrets? There’s nothing scarier than realizing that I was not living how I wanted to and that the main reasons were my doubts and my fears.

So, in true YOLO (you only live once) form, I made the decision to shake things up. I closed the door on finding my purpose and focused on living my present day-to-day life.

If I only had now, what was it I really wanted to do and have, and if I did have it all, how would I love to feel? And what did I need to do to feel that way today?

I dug deep and anchored myself to this vision of how I wanted to feel day in and day out and, based on that, I learned how to create goals and intentions with feeling. I finally understood the importance of making my decisions to ensure I kept or created this feeling I was aiming for, as opposed to making decisions thinking only about an actual end goal.

You see, it’s amazing how in truth we’re not necessarily chasing a particular thing (e.g., a different dress size, a promotion, a house, completing a marathon, etc.) but instead the feeling that achieving that will create within us (e.g., feeling fulfilled, worthy, peaceful, juicy, complete, etc.).

When you focus on creating that feeling instead of achieving a particular outcome, you realize that it really doesn’t matter what you do as long as what you’re doing is, in essence, making you feel the way you want to feel. In other words, it’s making you feel good inside.

In the end, maybe it isn’t, for example, losing weight that’ll make you feel really good (or happy, worthy, loved, etc.) but instead, changing how you talk to yourself daily when you look in the mirror. Focusing on creating that feeling right now will help you make decisions that will feel good and, as a result, help you do things that feel in alignment.

I also learned ways to quiet my mind chatter, turn down the volume on my inner critic, and become my biggest cheerleader. I learned how to tune in with my body and energy and pause when I need a break. I learned how to build confidence and developed strategies that help me get out of the freeze “deer in headlights” mode I get into when I’m scared and help me get moving forward instead.

And guess what happened? I realized that I had created a balance and flow to my life that felt good to me. I felt aligned, fulfilled, and motivated, exactly how I thought I would feel had I found my purpose.

Throughout this journey, I learned that having a life purpose is not about doing something in particular. It’s actually all about aligning your daily actions with your values and desires. Simply put, your life purpose (and everyone else’s, for that matter) is to make sure that every day, you’re living your life in integrity with what you believe in, what you value, and how you desire to feel in this life. That’s it.

It doesn’t matter what you do, what your career or passions are. It doesn’t even matter if you don’t have one particular passion or career. As long as you are always creating the feeling you want with each action you take daily, you’re living with purpose. And there’s nothing else you need to do.

Embarking on a quest to find your purpose leads you to believe that answering your soul’s call to live your most aligned and vibrant life is a straight line. That you simply need to tune into your soul to discover that particular something that you can dedicate your life to, the magic bullet that will solve it all. And nothing could be further from the truth.

You don’t need to find a life purpose to get unstuck and feel inspired and aligned. You simply need to get super clear on what’s truly important to you, what you really need and want, and how you’d feel having all that, and then take daily actions in alignment with creating this feeling.

Once you do this on a regular basis, you’ll be amazed at how inspired and fulfilled you’ll feel. You won’t feel stuck. You’ll never have to worry again about finding your life purpose because you’ll be living with purpose daily. And that’s what really counts.

May 16, 2024
Why You Can Stop Searching for Your Purpose Now

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

For some of us, like me, the question, “What is my purpose?” creates a ton of anxiety and a feeling that our self-worth is being undermined.

It’s hard to escape this question because everywhere we turn, finding our purpose and living on a large scale seem to be the main themes of the day. The mounting pressure created by social media and the need to have it all figured out by a certain date exacerbate this search.

I used to succumb to that pressure, until I said enough and changed my entire outlook on life.

During my moments of deep reflection, I have found that the answer to this question is as fluid and as complex as life itself.

Our purpose isn’t really one thing. I think our purpose is multi layered, rich and yet simple, and it should not be pigeonholed into one career or grand master plan, though some of us commit ourselves to one purposeful path. I also believe that our purpose can change throughout our lives.

I believe that our deepest purpose is to discover our true nature, to cherish our true selves, to listen to the call of our soul, to heal the wounds that keep us in the shadow, to become more compassionate, to love the ordinary as well as the extraordinary, to serve, and to enjoy doing nothing from time to time.

When we discover ourselves, our purpose reveals itself naturally.

How do we discover ourselves? We experiment every single day. We become our own scientists. We start to pay attention to what brings us nourishment and joy. We pay attention to what feels natural. Purpose is not one thing; it’s everything.

I like to call myself a lawyer by day and spiritual warrior by night, but the truth is that I am a light warrior all day.

Despite the fact that my current career may not be the highest expression of my true calling, which is to teach, my current career has undoubtedly taught me many lessons about helping people, having integrity (go ahead with the lawyer jokes, I will laugh along with you!), becoming a great listener, and also counseling others.

These are all virtues of a teacher, so even though I am not a full-time spiritual teacher yet, I still get to bring the energy of a teacher to my everyday life—not only in my job, but also in my home and family life.

I am an aunt, niece, spiritual seeker, friend, sister, daughter, partner, and so much more. I am not just a lawyer. And I am living my purpose every day by bringing the qualities of a spiritual teacher to everything that I do and everything that I am.

Our default thinking leads us to believe that having a purpose involves something on a grand stage or having a large audience with whom to share ideas, but that may not be your calling or your day-to-day purpose. Your purpose can be manifested in so many different ways.

Take being a parent, for example. It’s the greatest job and blessing in the world. I am not a parent, but I have happily been involved in my nephew’s and niece’s life since the day they were born. I can appreciate the enormous responsibility one undertakes when they say yes to becoming a parent.

Recently, I had this very conversation with my sister-in-law. She has a yearning desire to share a great message with the world and help others heal, but at the moment her hands are full because she is a super full-time mom. We came to the conclusion that her purpose right now, meaning today, is to raise four beautiful angels, which she is doing so beautifully.

I told her I could not think of a greater purpose. Giving endlessly, serving, giving your heart, time, and energy to the well-being of precious souls. Perhaps a few years down the road that will change when she has more time on her hands. In the meantime, motherhood is teaching her many things that one day she may use to help spread her message.

So even if you’re doing something you don’t want to be doing and you’re in the middle of transitioning to something else like me, your purpose is to be present to whatever is happening in your life right now.

Being present helps us learn about ourselves, because the truth is that we are always preparing for the next step, which is sometimes a mystery. So don’t take one second for granted. Every minute of your life means something.

Another great piece to add to this discussion about purpose is patience. I never really understood divine timing until this year. I believe life unfolds perfectly for each of us. If we can stay present, our purpose will never evade us.

I also believe that we do not arrive at one single destination. So, today, and only today, your purpose is to find as much joy and magic in the little moments as possible, even if you are having a tough day. This day is here to teach you something too. Your purpose is to find and honor the lesson. Your purpose is to allow your life’s plan to unfold perfectly for you.

There’s no need to put more pressure on ourselves to think about our purpose because we can’t get there by obsessing about it anyway.

Life is multi-faceted. You are a rich, dynamic, beautiful spark of life. You are not just one thing, and your life is not just about one thing or one career. You are so much more than that.

So find your purpose in being a friend, daughter, son, partner, activist, or in being your own best friend. Find your purpose in loving who you are. You are an original creation and, I believe, here for a reason. You are here to do all the beautiful things that I just described, and to do them with intention and consciousness.

The world needs you just because you’re here. Do not worry about the limitations in your head about time or age. You are here to contribute. You have your own unique expression, your own way of thinking, your own preferences, and your own feelings. Honor all of who you are. Walk down the street and smile. That may be your purpose for today. I assure you there are people that need you, and you them.

Enjoy the mundane—the drive to work, the meal preparation, the chores. Connect with yourself daily, honor your feelings, and follow your inner guidance, your nudges. Life is always sending us messages.

We do not need to look anymore or find anything. We came here to experience the gift of being alive and that is truly our purpose.

June 5, 2018
7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

“I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can imagine, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

1. Maintain perspective.

A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

2. Take care of your health.

Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

5. Don’t play the victim.

As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

6. Re-direct your energy.

An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

7. Give your attention.

One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

—

Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

Woman reading image via Shutterstock

December 23, 2015
10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

“Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.’ Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.’” ~Marianne Williamson

Have you ever felt that something was missing in your life?

Who am I kidding, everyone has.

I used to be unhappy. But not just unhappy—miserable.

I’d look at other people and wonder what they had that I didn’t. I was sick of living my life. And being sick of it was the tipping point that changed it all. It’s what got me moving in the direction of what made my heart sing.

As I moved forward, I discovered that what was making me miserable wasn’t outside of me, but the habits I had built up over the years.

I’d like to share with you what those habits were, and how I overcame them.

1. Waiting for clarity.

I thought that in order to do what I loved and be happy, I had to know where I was going.

Turns out that wasn’t. It was just a thought that I believed.

When I took action despite feeling confused, and simply did my best, I discovered that I could always take one step forward, clarity or no clarity.

It was like walking in a heavy fog. As long as I kept moving forward, more of my path revealed itself. But if I stood still, nothing would happen.

Fix: Don’t wait for clarity. Listen to your heart and take one tiny step forward. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

2. Seeking permission from others.

I wanted others to tell me I was on the right track. The more I did this, the emptier I felt inside.

Why? Because I was giving my power away. Instead of listening to my own guidance system, I was relying on someone else.

It was confusing and disempowering.

I’ve never had an easy time trusting life. I worry a lot. But over the years I’ve realized that trusting myself is the only way toward living a fulfilling life.

Once I stopped trying to seek permission, or figure things out, my inner wisdom grew stronger, because it was no longer clouded by thoughts.

Fix: Don’t look to someone else for validation for your dreams. Go after what makes you come alive. That’s enough.

3. Hoping for future salvation.

Another unhelpful habit I have is living in the future, thinking that reaching my goals will make me happier.

However, I’ve noticed that once again, this is just a thought that I give power to.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve reached plenty of goals that I thought would make me happy, but didn’t.

Like me, you’ve probably heard the following phrase over and over again: “Happiness comes from the inside. It’s available right here, right now.”

For a long time, I wondered, “That’s all fine and good, but how do I use that in my life?”

The answer was to witness my thoughts and let them pass by. I don’t have to believe every thought that tells me that the future holds the key to my happiness.

Once I let those thoughts pass, I noticed that there’s a source of joy within, always available to me.

Fix: When you find yourself living in the future, just notice what you’re doing. Let go of the tendency and observe what’s going on. This is a practice, so don’t worry if you don’t get it perfect.

4. Wanting to take big leaps.

When I get caught up in thinking that the future will save me, I want to take big leaps. I want to hurry to my goal.

Yet this behavior makes reaching my goal less likely. It introduces sloppiness into my work. It produces an aroma of selfishness.

But, if I let things take their time, and if I let those thoughts pass, there’s a sense of peace.

As I write this, I’m not in a hurry. I sense the wanting to finish, but I witness it. I don’t get involved. Then I return my focus to writing and letting the words flow on paper.

And my soul smiles. My heart nods. My breath deepens.

I remember: “This is it. This is life.”

Fix: Big leaps assume that happiness is in the future. Take a deep breath. Notice how much happiness is available right now. No big leaps needed, just a remembering of who you are.

5. Having faulty expectations.

For a long time, I believed that I could eliminate negativity from my life.

But every day does not have to be a happy day.

Life is sometimes difficult. The problem isn’t the difficulty, but how I relate to it. If I think it shouldn’t be there, I suffer.

Again, it comes down to my thinking. Life is as it is; my thinking creates my experience of life.

When I notice my expectations, I can let them be. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the sting of something I label as bad; it simply means that I don’t have to pour more gasoline on the fire.

I can’t control life, but I can control how I use my attention.

I don’t have to change my thoughts; just notice what’s going on and how I’m creating my experience of the present moment.

Fix: Notice how your expectations make you unhappy. Bring your attention to this moment. Do the best you can with what you have.

6. Taking your thoughts seriously.

“You’re not good enough.”

“You’ll end up homeless if you follow your heart.”

“What will people think of you?”

We all have thoughts that freak us out. Yet I have days when I don’t care about those thoughts.

So what’s different between the good days and the bad days? Simply my state of being. When I feel good, my emotional immune system is more stable.

I remember that my feelings are simply an indication of how trustworthy my thinking is. When I feel bad, it’s a sign that I need to take my thinking less seriously.

When I feel good, that’s when I can solve problems. But often I find that problems solve themselves, if I’m willing to get out of the way.

So what I’m repeating over and over again is the fact that it’s our thinking that makes us unhappy, not our circumstances.

Fix: Experiment with taking your thinking less seriously for sixty seconds at a time. See what happens and how you feel.

7. Playing things safe.

When I push the boundaries of my comfort zone, I tend to get anxious, afraid, and worried.

But after a while the discomfort becomes comfortable. It becomes familiar.

What changed? My thinking.

When I let anxious thoughts pass, eventually my thinking returns to normal. But if I try to figure things out, I prolong the “healing” process.

I’ve realized that to be fulfilled in life, I have to grow and challenge myself. To do that, I need to step outside my comfort zone. I have to stop playing things safe.

There are no guarantees in this world.

All I can do is follow my heart and be aware of my thinking. That’s it. I’ll have scary thoughts, but that’s okay. I can still take one tiny step forward.

Fix: Become aware of the fact that being outside of your comfort zone is simply believing a different set of thoughts. You can always listen to your heart, and take the next step.

8. Focusing on lack.

I can have wonderful relationships, do work I love, and have life go swimmingly.

But if one thing goes wrong, and I focus on it, I make myself miserable.

And the thing about life is that there will always be something “wrong.”

The key to happiness isn’t to get rid of your problems, but to learn to live with them. To notice how your thinking gets you in trouble.

This doesn’t mean I neglect problems. It means that I don’t stress over them. I solve them as well as I can, but I don’t try to force solutions.

I’ve noticed that when I stop thinking, I allow my inner wisdom to help me. I often get solutions to problems when I’m not thinking, such as when I’m on a walk, washing dishes, meditating, or in the shower.

I do my best and then I let go.

Fix: Notice your tendency to focus on the thoughts that tell you something is wrong. Rest your attention in the witness of those thoughts. You are not them. You can observe them, and breathe.

9. Resisting obstacles.

For years, I ran away from challenges because I saw them as obstacles to getting what I want.

And I thought getting what I wanted would make me happy.

But then something changed: I saw that these obstacles weren’t obstacles, but stepping stones helping me follow my calling.

Instead of remaining in the habit of resisting obstacles, I get curious. I ask myself: What can I learn from this?

Everything seems to have a purpose.

The more I surrender to life, the more powerful I become. And to me, this surrender simply means not trying to figure everything out, or trying to control life.

Fix: Don’t fight life. Embrace life. Become curious about the problems in your life. Don’t rush to fix them. Let them be for a while and notice the results.

10. Neglecting your calling.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to happiness is neglecting your calling.

When I neglect my heart, my purpose, my inner wisdom, I become miserable.

And the way I neglect my calling is through thinking too much. Thinking that something is wrong, or that I’m on the wrong track.

When I notice this mental habit, I let it be, and I take a deep breath.

To follow my calling, I have to let go of what I think my path looks like.

I can’t figure out where my life is going, I can only live it one moment at a time. That’s scary to my mind, but that’s okay. I can let thoughts pass, and I can rest my attention in my heart.

Fix: Let go of what you think your life should be, and let it become what it was meant to be. Live life one moment at a time. It’s all you can do anyway.

—

Happiness is not something you get, but something you are. What’s stopping you from being happy is taking your thoughts too seriously.

You have wisdom within you, waiting to guide you. All you have to do is let go and observe how you stop yourself from accessing it.

It’s not easy. It’s a practice. Sometimes it takes time.

But notice that even the rush to get it right is a thought. Let it be.

Do your best.

Follow your heart.

And remember to breathe.

July 10, 2014
Finding What You Want Means Realizing What You Don’t

“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places” ~ Unknown

I’ve never dreamed of owning a mansion or acres of land. I’ve never dreamed of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right. I’ve never dreamed of glory on a sports field or stage, and I’ve never dreamed of being a billionaire or “Chief” of a company.

But I have dreamed of one thing—finding and living out my “calling.”

I’ve dreamed of coming across a cause, art, subject, or professional field that stuns me in my tracks and induces an epiphany: this is the work I want to live and breathe, the destined object of my monomania.

Upon graduating from college, I landed a job in human capital (HC) consulting, a field that piqued my interest more than others. There wasn’t an unbridled passion, but I figured myself as one of those who had to make an effort to be passionate.

And so I put in my best: I always said yes to projects and took on more work even when night after night, I was the lone keyboard typing in the office.

Though I liked my commitment in the office, I rarely thought of my field in my personal time; this bothered me, because it meant my work hadn’t become my passion.

If it were true passion, my thoughts at work and away would be intertwined, and my thirst for the field would span office hours.

I reasoned this was because the field was different than I’d expected it to be, based on what I’d read.

However, when an email sent to our national pool of associates and analysts requested staffing on a large-scale strategy initiative, my heart skipped a beat. When I was selected as one of two analysts, I was ecstatic.

Here was finally a chance for me to live and breathe my work, to be in constant productive movement. This project had a steeper learning curve than any, and being on client site removed non-work distractions.

I was excited that this would show me my passion. And it did. But not in the way I expected.

For the next six months, I flew out every Sunday cross country to the client site and returned Friday. The scale of the project, aggressive deadlines, and the project manager’s haphazard work style compounded the intensity and stress. Sleep became a luxury, and all-nighters were at least weekly occurrences.

As months passed, I was living out my ideal of “career monomania,” but the anticipated fulfillment never materialized. While I was stimulated by the novelty and high learning curve, I found it hard to believe in the “why” of the work we were doing.

Just as on other projects I’d seen, we focused on published report numbers but I didn’t get to work on what I really wanted to know—how to identify what different people valued and how to change behavior.

When I admitted I didn’t believe in the “why,” the “what” became harder to endure.

Last minute overnight assignments made me feel resentful; insistence that I work on the car ride to the airport despite my motion sickness made me feel disregarded. I became physically exhausted and mentally de-motivated.

When I returned to my home office in the Bay, I worked to re-establish “life” in work-life balance. I reconnected with friends, finally joined a self-defense training center (Krav Maga), and set aside time often to read/write.

However, the project experience left a residual heaviness. Initially, I paid little attention to it until I broke down in my supervisor’s office one afternoon when talking about it. Truth was, I felt resentful and lost because I sacrificed my time, health, and personal life for a “fulfilling” lifestyle that proved otherwise.

I had to admit my mistake—that I mistook a job for a purpose.

You see, during college, when searching for my “calling” proved too ambiguous and elusive, I substituted it with something more mentally digestible: search for a job. Over time, I forgot that a “career should be but one tool for achieving your life’s purpose” (Clayton Christensen).

This project was a slap in the face that my quest to find my calling wasn’t finished. This scared me but also freed me.

In the next months, I delved into deep introspection. I read, quested, admitted, wrote, shared, debated, and repeated the cycle.

Slowly, it dawned on me: the topics that I could never stop thinking about, the methods I use to become my own therapist, the readings I’m most drawn to, the topics I want to write about, the conversations I most enjoy, the principles I most believe in, all could be encapsulated within one umbrella field—what I now know as positive psychology.

My attraction to positive psychology felt unforced and insuppressible. I connected to this field long before I knew how to label it, but I never gave myself permission to take it seriously.

When I read about these topics, I always felt guilt over not reading about work-related “productive” topics.

But if positive psychology was already a large part of my life, why shouldn’t I accept this and make it an even larger part?

Thus, for once, I gave myself permission to be passionate. I read the spiritual/psychological books and articles I wanted. I started my own blog about conscious living. I talked with my supervisor about my interest in projects that dealt with engagement and motivation.

Something strange began to happen: the more I accepted myself, the more authentic I became to others, and the more the world worked with me.

My relationships became deeper and more constructive; incidental conversations and incidents motivated me to pursue things I was once afraid of (e.g., publicizing my writing). The more I talked about these topics, the more I met people like me, and the more they introduced me to new contacts and resources.

Part of me wishes I were writing this post years from now. Perhaps if/when I’ve earned my graduate degree in positive psychology or conducted bold research experiments or have become a holistic HC consultant. I wish I could guide you from first-hand experience how to live your calling once you find it.

But all of this happened recently, and I can’t promise how this will culminate; but I know that I don’t want to wait for the journey’s “end” to share.

Like many others, I often restrict myself on condition—”I will be X when I reach Y.” But how many times have we reached our goals, only to realize there are infinite more beyond the horizon?

“There” is just a state of mind; there is nothing that we want to obtain that could forever satiate our wanting once we obtain it.

I don’t want to hold off daring or sharing until I reach “there.” I want to treasure and navigate “here”—this space where belief copulates with action, where fears dance with courage, where insecurities bow to passion.

I believe we each have a calling—something that deeply resonates with, motivates, and fulfills us. For a few, it is evident early on; for others, like me, it requires patience and continual searching.

But if we are honest with ourselves, if we consciously introspect, and if we dare to never stop questing, we realize that our experiences are orchestrated in perfect concert to guide us to our “Personal Legend,” as Paulo Coelho calls it, as long as we are willing to listen for the soft entrance of music.

Photo by Jozoana

May 1, 2013
Happiness Comes to Those Who Live Their Calling

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

I was on tour with a famous rock legend, Joe Walsh from the mega-successful seventies band, The Eagles.

We were riding around in one of those air brushed tour busses, living the party life and flying to exotic places. Staying in the finest hotels. Beautiful women hanging around the backstage door trying to get my attention.

You would think this would be a dream come true, right?

Here I was rubbing shoulders with people like Stevie Nicks, Willie Nelson, and The Fabulous Thunderbirds, and yet, I wasn’t happy. Not really.

And you know what really sucks?

When you’re so close to your dream you can almost reach out and touch it, but for some reason you can’t. Something is holding you back.

You spend years working hard just to get next to it. You’re working right there in the area of your passion. But you aren’t actually living it.

You’re helping someone else to live theirs.

It feels like your face is pressed up against a glass wall. And there, just on the other side is the thing you’re really supposed to be doing.

I was his sound engineer. But the dream was to be playing guitar up onstage with him.

The band and crew were like family because we had done several tours together. Joe knew I rehearsed regularly with the band when he didn’t show up and that I knew the music cold.

Even the guys in the band agreed it would sound better if I was playing the other guitar parts but it wasn’t their place to say.

All I had to do was ask. But I couldn’t seem to get up the nerve. I just couldn’t get past the uncertainty of what might happen if I took the leap and got shot down.

I was poised to jump but paralyzed by fear.

I guess I was just hoping the other band members would put in the good word and do my bidding for me by asking to have a second guitar player.

I was wrong.

Nothing happened. The train kept a rolling with me still behind the soundboard. Still unhappy.

I figured out in the silent weeks that followed that no one just hands you the keys to the highway. You have to ask for them.

Finally, I arrived at the place where I could no longer stand by and accept my “close but no cigar” status. The idea that I would have to live with the consequences of not trying was simply too much to bear.

So I decided to cast my fears and uncertainty to the wind and just ask Joe if I could play the gig.

And then something very strange happened.

I never got the chance. (more…)

December 18, 2012
A Letter from Your Calling

“Every calling is great when greatly pursued.” ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

It’s me. The one who keeps talking to you about that thing. That project. That possibility.

I know you think you couldn’t be the one for the job, but honestly, if you weren’t the one for the job, I wouldn’t have come to you with it.

I wouldn’t have come knocking at the door of your mind. I wouldn’t have come into your dreams, into your imagination, into your heart.

I wouldn’t have made it so compelling to think about me.

I wouldn’t have planted in you the frustration with what is.

I wouldn’t have planted in you the vision of what could be.

You say you want more meaning, more adventure, and to have a greater impact.

I’m offering you all of that, but you keep telling me I’m silly, unrealistic, too big, when here I am, ready to give you the greatest adventure of your life.

I don’t take it personally, but I do weep about it.

I weep for the joy you are missing out on. I weep because you aren’t getting to witness your immense strength and brilliance. I weep for what the world is missing out on too.

When I took this job, they told me much of it would be waiting. Waiting on you.

I want to make sure you know, I’m here, close as breath, waiting. I’m waiting for you to say yes.

We can do this. Together, we can do this thing.

It’s true, part of my job is creating challenges and dark moments along the way—but only enough of them to teach you the most beautiful lessons you’ll ever learn.

I need you. Your hands. Your heart. Your mind. Your circumstances. Your strengths. Your weaknesses. Your wounds. Your wit. Your tale.

I need you, just as you are.

Say yes?

Love,

Your Calling

Photo by Ben Fredericson

July 12, 2012
The World Needs You to Follow Your Inspiration

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

As I left the San Francisco head office of the clothing company I worked for, I felt anxious and scared. I knew, in the depth of my heart and soul, that I did not belong there and that I needed to do something about it.

Up until a year before then, I had thought I did. But then I met this new friend who was a very spiritual person. He talked to me about things like universal mind, energy, a new era, and the importance of finding your dharma—your true vocation, which starts to be revealed once you start listening to, and following, your deepest inspiration.

It all touched a deep chord in me. Since that day I started following my thread of inspiration and searched and read everything I could find about the psyche, how we are affected by colors and shapes, and about symbols and esoteric teachings. I felt like I already knew all of it, and that I had finally found my way home.

My friends and colleagues didn’t understand the depth of the transformation I was going through. I felt misunderstood and very lonely.

But at the same time I was happier than I had been in a very long time. I felt connected to my true Self. I was truly inspired and felt like I had a special job to do in the world of clothes: I was to find new ways of designing and using clothes, built on feminine principles and a different set of values than those of our modern culture.

As the head designer for the Scandinavian branch of a multinational clothing company I earned quite a lot of money. I also led what many would consider a very glamorous lifestyle, with lots of traveling and meetings with interesting people.

But did it make me happy? Was there room for me to grow and develop in new ways?

No. Absolutely not. As a professional designer it was my job to focus on contemporary clothes, on what our costumers would want the next season. Looking further into the future was not an option. (more…)

April 16, 2012
Find Your Calling: 5 Steps to Identify Your Purpose

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

When I was young, I fell in love with Africa. It was an unsophisticated and amorphous love, not directly related to anything in particular about that vast continent. I now see that the point of my love affair with Africa was to deliver my first calling to me.

Merriam-Webster defines a “calling” as: “…a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.”

My first calling was to connect with people who seemed very different from me. It took me to rural Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer, where I developed close friendships with my fellow villagers. It led me to people who were way outside of my socio-economic and my cultural demographic.

As with most callings, mine gave me a way to bring more love to the world. I wanted to get beyond language, class, gender, and culture; I wanted to experience human connection at its most raw and basic.

My first calling taught me that empathy heals and nourishes all those it touches, and that I could spread love by simply being available to hear another person, whoever they are.

Just because we have callings doesn’t mean they’re easy to follow. I declined the advice of others who saw my calling as naïve or even dangerous, and those who thought I should get a real job or do something closer to home.

I also stared down many of my own “shoulds” and fears in order to go ahead and join the Peace Corps.

It was hard to understand what the calling was when it first began to whisper in my ear. I found myself confused about what it meant, while at the same time growing surer that I would figure it out as I followed its lead. Sometimes the calling delivers clues that no one but you can decipher.

What I learned in Africa was that being true to myself meant trusting the process as it revealed itself, knowing that it was “right” for me at that particular time in my life. (more…)

June 14, 2011