Tiny Buddha

Tag: breakup

  • You Have to Know You’re Worthy to Attract a Healthy Relationship

    You Have to Know You’re Worthy to Attract a Healthy Relationship

    “Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.” ~Ram Dass

    Three years ago I went through a breakup with someone I loved deeply.

    I had no idea what had happened to me after I fell in love with this girl. I now know that I was asleep from the beginning to the very end of the relationship.

    I was totally encapsulated with this girl to the point where I could not see what was in front of me. I was unable to see the red flags that were there in the beginning.

    When I first laid eyes on her, I felt a magnetic pull. I knew that she was it for me. I had her as the one before I had spoken a word to her. And what made it even harder was that when I was with her, it felt like home, as if I had known her before.

    So, no matter what she said, I had it sealed in my mind that this had to work.

    When it all started she was almost impossible to get a date with. She bailed on me three times. On the third time I was aggravated, and she knew it. We had to have a phone conversation about why we couldn’t go out.

    This had never happened to me ever before, and the weird part was that I went along with it. I had the conversation and everything was fine and dandy when we went on a date just a few days later.

    On the first date it was as if I had forgotten about the initial weirdness and aggravation. I was sucked in. But as weeks went by, I noticed that I was only able to see her once a month, even though she lived in the next town over from me.

    We would have to resort to FaceTime, when she was just at home. I couldn’t pick her up at her house because she wanted me to avoid her parents. But at the same time, she had pictures of us on social media, so it wasn’t like our relationship was a secret. I was confused, but I kept on with it.

    I remember my birthday came around and I didn’t get so much as a card. And it was sad because that didn’t dawn on me until I actually broke up with her. All I wanted from her was her time, and that was limited, and at her convenience.

    I should also tell you that I was not the kind of guy that just harbors all my frustration and doesn’t talk about issues.

    I would try to talk about my feelings and concerns, as well as try to understand her, but she would never want to hear it or talk about it. There was constant neglect.

    What could I do? How could I show her that I loved her? What would make her open her heart to me? Take her to more dinners? Buy tickets to a game? None of that seemed to make a difference. But I felt for her and understood she had been cheated on previously, so I used the excuse that “she just has her walls up.”

    I would tell myself that eventually she would understand that I was a good guy who loved her. She would eventually not be this way. In other words, eventually she would be what I thought she could be.

    I looked past her avoidant personality, the distance she needed, and the fact that we were in different chapters in our lives. I also was willing to set aside my needs to fulfill hers, and only hers. My self-worth was at an all time low. (Or had it always been that low?)

    The poison in this toxic relationship set in early, and I decided that I would enjoy more of it until the point where I needed to leave. Let’s not forget the idea that men have to pursue, pursue, and pursue. Because anything worth having won’t come easily, right?

    After she put me completely on her backburner in the relationship, I knew that I was worth more. I cut the poison chord and licked my wounds for a long time after.

    But there is healing in the “licking of my wounds.” The healing was sparked by a curiosity that I had developed in the search for myself.

    Why did I attract this type of person into my life? How could I move upward so that I could attract healthier relationships going forward? 

    I wasn’t going to just blame her and just get on with it. I didn’t want to be in denial about the fact that I had chosen to be with her. She was just being her, and how could I blame her for not being the person I wanted her to be? I needed to take some responsibility for my choice and work from there.

    I found that amongst my own mommy issues, there was some childhood bully issues, and I’d been living with the “I’m not good enough” belief for years.

    Suddenly, I was awakened.

    I was awakened to the fact that the purpose of this relationship was to spawn a new discovery in my life, and that was the search for who I really am. It wasn’t just figuring out who I thought I was or being a better me, it was the search for my deeper self—my soul.

    I believe this whole event was put forth for me to learn my worth.

    Right after the relationship, I took time to grieve. That encompassed the generic reaction of drinking and going out, because at the time I didn’t immediately get the lesson; I was still working from the only place I knew.

    But I realized that doing what the generation would consider normal—drinking, going out, and hooking up with other girls, just to run from the pain—wasn’t going to make anything better.

    In the past it may have worked, because I wasn’t as emotionally invested and didn’t care as much when relationships ended. But this particular time was unique, because, at the time, I was looking for my soul mate.

    This time around I had much higher expectations and a deeper attachment. That’s what had caused the pain from the start. I wasn’t hurting because she wasn’t the girl I wanted her to be; it was the expectation of what I thought she was rather than who she was in reality. 

    Had I been present and awake, I wouldn’t have dated her at all because I would have seen that she was the complete opposite of what I needed. But how do I know what I need? And do I feel that I deserve what I need? Am I worthy of it?

    On a simple level one could say, well, of course you deserve it and of course you are worthy. But I realized that inside I didn’t feel that way.

    I eventually realized that my upbringing wasn’t surrounded by much love, not in the way that I needed. I was taught tough love, meaning little acknowledgement and praise, and as a result I never felt good enough.

    Since there was an absence of love in my childhood, I didn’t know that I was worthy of it.

    This model that I had worked with since my childhood affected who and what I would eventually attract. I projected unworthiness, and thought that women who love, care, and are nurturing didn’t exist, basically setting forth what came into my life.

    I realized that if I didn’t let go of my issues, the pattern would continue. The pattern would show up slightly different from time to time, but I would continue attracting unloving relationships if I continued believing I was unworthy and unlovable.

    If you’ve had similar experiences, my message is to be present and be aware. This enables you to see the person you’re dating for who they are, as opposed to focusing on who you want them to be, and to see yourself more clearly as well.

    This is an opportunity to not place blame in your relationship but rather to learn about yourself and your patterns.

    Ask questions to help you dig deeper, such as: What is causing me to feel this way? Why was this event brought into my life? Where do I need healing? What issues, thoughts, or beliefs am I holding onto that are keeping me from where I want to go?

    If you can just be present you will be able to notice your own thoughts and your attachments to stories in your own mind—stories about the past, the future, fear, control, unworthiness, and other issues that you may be holding onto.

    Some questions I ask myself today when I’m meeting someone for the first time or seeing someone in the beginning include: Is this person my friend? How is their heart? Is it open?

    Simply put, when I’m with that person, my heart is open to seeing who is there.

    Do the work to heal your own wounds and to escape from your unhealthy patterns, and your heart will be open as well.

  • Healing from Heartache: How to Ease the Pain

    Healing from Heartache: How to Ease the Pain

    “Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” ~Max Ehrmann 

    If you looked at your broken heart and allowed for tenderness, you would feel better. Maybe not completely better, but there would be a softening. Compassion for yourself is soothing. When our hearts are aching, we need all the soothing we can get.

    If you looked at your broken heart from the perspective of the loving mother within you, you would see that the only thing you need right now is gentle care. You need to wrap your arms around yourself and let everything be exactly as it is. When we fight what is, the pain only grows stronger.

    When people who seek growth go through heartbreak, we want to fight through it when we just need to let it all go. We need to sob, we need to hold ourselves, and we need to tell ourselves we’re okay. That’s what it means to show up for yourself when you really need it. That’s self-love.

    I struggled hard in my last breakup. I reopened the deep wound and falsity that I was worthless without his love.

    I am someone who teaches self-love. None of us are immune to our entire realities being transformed with the flip of a switch.

    I fell into a deep depression. I was so far away from feeling my own love that my system felt like it was shutting down. And it was. I wasn’t eating, barely sleeping, and I relived everything in my head. Nothing in my life felt good. It was horrible.

    You can’t solve the pain of your heartbreak with your mind. The mind wants everything to feel better, and it will do everything it can to figure out a solution that makes the pain end fast. That’s its job. Unfortunately for us, it will do so at the expense of what’s best for us.

    You’re going through pain for a reason. We learn our greatest lessons through pain. Do yourself a favor and feel it and be with it, and give yourself compassion to help ease it up until you get through.

    Because if you don’t, you’re going to run from it. You’re going to make some decisions that aren’t in alignment with who you are really here to be. You might avoid the pain by jumping back into a relationship, or with food, alcohol, or drugs. And then at some point in the future, this will happen all over again. Because you haven’t learned your lesson. You haven’t truly healed.

    This is the biggest thing we forget when we’re in pain:

    It’s going to get better if we’re easy on ourselves.

    It’s so simple, but it’s the thing I kept forgetting over and over again. I would default to my mind, finding myself analyzing the past or mourning the future. There was some unconscious belief that all my thinking was doing something, benefitting me in someway. Instead, it was perpetuating my suffering.

    Eventually I would exhaust myself to depletion. I would sob and think and sob and hope for the pain to go away, and the pain only got worse and worse until it felt inescapable and overwhelming. And from this exhausted and overwhelmed place, something within me rose up. I began to do what I call “mothering myself.”

    I told myself, “It’s okay. I’m here. It’s going to be okay. Everything is okay. Just relax. Just lie here and rest. Don’t worry about anything. It’s all okay.” I cradled myself in my own arms. I gave myself exactly what I needed: love.

    I could give you a list of additional things to do, acts of self-care to lift you out of your broken spirits, but the truth is that when you’re in the depths of despair, this is the only thing you have to focus on to life yourself up.

    When you “mother yourself” enough by being kind and compassionate toward yourself, things begin to get better. It’s really how it happens.

    You are allowing it to be okay. You are giving yourself love. And it starts to be okay. Your judgment is gone. Your pain eases, even if just a little. And when you’re in a ton of pain, just a little ease makes all the difference.

    From that place you will start to give yourself things you need. You’ll begin to nourish your body more because you will be feeling just slightly better.

    You’ll keep telling yourself it’s okay, and you’ll find yourself doing some gentle yoga.

    You’ll keep on telling yourself everything is okay, and you’ll be curled up in bed with a good friend, laughing at a funny movie.

    The natural process of healing happens when we just keep giving ourselves love.

    Once you walk through the most intense part of this painful process, you will have a beautiful opportunity to get to know an amazing soul: you. You will not walk out the other side the same person. I know that’s scary, but trust me, you will like who you are so much more.

    I am six months out of a devastating breakup, and I’m taking the time to get to know myself. I’m not the person I was before or during the breakup. I have grieved deeply, gotten myself utterly lost, found some way to give myself compassion through it all, and now I am enjoying getting to know this new me that is emerging. And I love her so much already.

    When we’re heartbroken we don’t need our minds to tell us stories to make us feel better. We only need our hearts to open and to show ourselves compassion.

    Any time you find yourself in despair, in depression, in immense pain, look within. Are you living in your head or your heart?

    When you feel so deeply that the pain is overwhelming and you can see no clear way out, remember this. Write this down. Post it by your bed. Pull your chin up, force your eyes open, and read these words:

    It’s okay. I’m here. It’s going to be okay. Everything is okay. Just relax. Just lie here and rest. Don’t worry about anything. It’s all okay. 

    Everything always gets better. That is the truth. You are a shining soul deep within a body that is here to do great things. You are here to experience shimmering love, heart-aching laughter, and so much joy.

    So it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself. That means you don’t get to bully yourself when you’re in pain. You don’t get to judge yourself for where you’re at. It’s your responsibility to show up for yourself in these moments when you need yourself the most.

    And right now, you’re in pain. And that’s okay. Because it will get better if you’re just easy on yourself.

  • How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

    How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

    “If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo

    Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?

    Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?

    First there is the breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling on the couch. Then, suddenly, it’s all gone.

    Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Often, you wish you could talk to that person to obtain some closure and some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed and that you meant something…anything.

    Why They Avoid You

    If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners (me—raising hand), who would rather stare at Facebook or play video games than have an actual conversation, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Sometimes you have to make closure for yourself.

    What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.

    Closure is something everyone would like. We would like validation and understanding.

    We can accept that someone doesn’t want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.

    Unfortunately, sometimes your partner does not have this same need, or they may have the same need but they’re better at hiding it and pretending they don’t. They would rather just push you, and their feelings, away.

    In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.

    Many people don’t know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.

    The First Time

    I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times, and it’s awful. No one likes to be ignored, and no one likes to not get answers to their questions. But, what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.

    It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for two and a half years.

    I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. So, every month or so, after the first year and a half, I would say, “Is it time to break up yet? I’m not really happy.” Every time he would shake his head and say, “No, no, no.” He looked so forlorn at the idea of me ending it, so I stayed.

    But eventually, the time came. He was moving to another city, and I was planning to come visit his new place once he got all settled in. Then the strangest thing happened. During the moving period he started being super nice to me, abnormally nice, and I knew right then something was up. I knew he was struggling with trying to commit to me.

    Of course he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could come out for my visit.

    I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.

    He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.

    I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship (I knew he would never really make me happy), but for the friendship I thought we had. But apparently, we had nothing.

    Like a dummy, I reached out to him again three months later, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.

    After that call I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.

    When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that. I’m not sure I have 100%.

    The only thing I could do was to look at my mistakes and my behavior patterns and work on my side of the street, because I was never going to get answers or closure from him.

    The Second Time

    The second time I had to get closure on my own was with my last boyfriend. I actually ended things, but when I sent him on his way, I left the door open. I asked him to think about some things, and he said, “I guess I have a lot to think about.”

    I figured I’d eventually hear back with a yes or no. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Isn’t that what he implied? I thought so.

    Apparently, I was wrong. Again. He didn’t call.

    A few months later, after doing a lot of soul searching, I called and asked if we could try again. He said no. I accepted his decision. I was sad, but it was time to move on.

    A month later he called and said he was willing to try again. So I tried. He didn’t. We spent a week together, then he left and I never heard from him again. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how he could never say anything. Not even talk to me. Why couldn’t he say, “I really care about you, but I can’t” or something.

    Again, I had to accept that he is who he is, and he isn’t going to change. I knew this when I decided to try again, and looking back I should have known better. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I was hoping for something that was what I wanted it to be, not reality.

    I’m still not sure I have 100% closure with him either, but I know that reaching out to him will only hurt me more, and I know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants. I can only control myself and my actions and how I deal with the ending of another relationship that I thought could mean something.

    If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.

    Try This

    If you are struggling with getting closure with an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction, or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that DVD you let them borrow?

    If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:

    1. Write a letter.

    Write one every day if you need to. Don’t send it; just get the feelings out there.

    2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.

    We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.

    What if what they are really thinking is this? Do you think they are going to tell you?

    • I’m afraid to be open and be hurt again.
    • I don’t think I can give this person what they need.
    • Being vulnerable is too scary.
    • He/she is too good for me.
    • My abandonment issues have triggered my unconscious need to be alone.

    3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it.

    You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.

    4. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper.

    • “I am hurt.”
    • “I am sad.”
    • “I am devastated.”
    • “I am heartbroken.”
    • “I feel rejected.”

    Get a fireproof bowl and fill it with some sand. Put all the little pieces of paper in the bowl and light them on fire. Watch the words burn and with them, let the feelings go.

    5. Be alone.

    Be still. Cry and be sad over the loss. Accept that what once was, is no longer, and what you thought would be will never be. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.

    6. Live in abundance.

    They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.

    Think About It

    What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.

    There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.

    I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.

    For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.

    Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.

    We don’t’ always get what we want, but we get what we need. Change is inevitable. Change is good. If it was meant to be, it would have been, and if it is meant to be, it will be.

    Unfortunately, life does not always go along with our pre-conceived notions of how things should be, and people aren’t always what we want and need them to be. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on top.

    Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.

    Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.

    Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.

  • You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go

    You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go

    “Even if it seems like it’s taking too long for what we want to arrive, it’s better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire.” ~Danielle Laporte

    Last week when I was in the front row of a yoga class, I moved my hips up and back into downward dog, and through my legs saw the top of my ex-boyfriend’s head. I hadn’t seen him in months, and I wasn’t really interested in having small talk with the man who’d crushed my heart.

    He approached me, eyes shining, happy to see me. I, on the other hand, drove home, walked into my apartment, and sat on the bed for a good cry.

    I cried because when I saw him, all of the love came rushing back in and because he didn’t seem to have a clue how much he’d hurt me. So I found myself considering reaching out again.

    Should I write him an email so he knows how much he’s hurt me? Should I get coffee with him and fill him in on everything he seems to not understand?

    My mind was moving into “fix it” mode, my habitual state. It’s a controlling tendency, something that has kept me in back-and-forth relationships for most of my life.

    You see, I have had many opportunities to learn the lesson of letting go throughout my life. People I loved have died, friends have vanished, and men have come and gone. Every single time I have had the opportunity to let go, I have fought it.

    We fight letting go because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of what’s on the other side.

    First we’re afraid of the pain we’re going to have to face when we let go, and then we’re afraid that things won’t be okay. We’ll never find love again. No one will ever be as good. The pain will never stop. we’re unlovable.

    When I was going through the devastating first weeks of my breakup, I kept getting the same message over and over again: You are being cleared out for something amazing to come in. Deep inside me, buried quietly under the overwhelming heartache, was my soul nodding yes.

    I have actively faced my pain over and over again these past few months.

    I know that to heal we have to be with our feelings so we can release them. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I went deeper into my darkness than ever before. I saw the unworthiness I felt and all the fears. I was braver than I’ve ever been.

    Because of that bravery, I’m connected to my soul in a completely new way. Instead of just hearing it, I am fully abiding by it.

    My soul is telling me clearly that it’s time for me to get what I deserve in life, and the only thing that has been holding me back is myself.

    I have been making choices that aren’t serving my highest self. I have dated men who were not capable of holding space for a strong, passionate, big-hearted woman. It has felt easier to fall in love and to keep giving chances than it has been to say no and hold out for a partner who is right for me.

    I desire a relationship with a man who I can deeply connect with. Who gets me. Who can open his heart as big as I can open mine. Who won’t run away because he’s afraid. Who can hold space for me to live in my power just as I will hold space for him.

    I desire an incredible partnership that is mutual and trusting and loving and joyful and honest.

    And I deserve it. I am finally waking up to the fact that I deserve that kind of love.

    I am finally waking up to the fact that if I want to have that kind of love, then I need to do things differently. I have to listen to my soul and choose to give myself what I deserve. I have to allow that man into my life.

    So the aching, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for a little bit longer while the right person finds his way to me. It’s worth it so I can learn more about myself.

    There are times when it’s your turn to take responsibility, to be the one to reach out and make amends. But if you’re on the Can’t Let Go Bandwagon like me, you probably need to delete that email, put the phone down, and bring the focus back to you.

    When we find ourselves reaching out for someone else, it’s usually a sign that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what it is we deserve. Then we have to let go of the need to ask someone else to give that to us and give it to ourselves instead. That’s self-love. That’s self-respect.

    We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel like we deserve anything more. We refuse to let go of exes because we don’t trust that someone better suited for us will come along. We reach outside of ourselves to feel better because we’re terrified of facing the pain.

    The truth is that you can actually have what you truly desire. You can have the great love and whatever else your soul is yearning for. It just might show up in a different package than your mind is willing to accept right now.

    When we have deep faith that everything is exactly as it needs to be, that the universe is supporting us, and that good things are coming, then we’re capable of letting go. We trust that it’s all going to work out.

    If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments, choose to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Feel the pain you’re running from. Cry if you need to.

    Embrace the pain and the fear and the hurt and love yourself through it all. That is your job, no one else’s.

    Do this over and over again until you find yourself more and more free. Trust that everything is exactly as it needs to be. Be patient. Stay with the ache a little bit longer. Something big is coming your way.

  • What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Going Through a Breakup or Divorce

    What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Going Through a Breakup or Divorce

    Comforting friend

    “Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them…your smile, your hope and your courage.” ~Doe Zantamata 

    Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is one of hardest, if the not the hardest, trial you might be faced with in life. Unfortunately, unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, it’s very hard to believe this statement.

    For most of my fifteen-year relationship, I didn’t believe it. Sure, I commiserated with friends who were suffering through breakups, but I did so with a superiority complex, a judgment about how they got themselves into that situation through relationship neglect.

    Thankfully, I kept thoughts such as this one to myself: “Wow, get over it already. It’s been a year, and it’s not like he died!”

    Since separating from my husband (and childhood sweetheart) a year ago, I’ve learned some incredibly humbling lessons about love, people, grief, and healing, and I feel compelled to pass some of this wisdom on, specifically my insight into how to be a good friend to someone who’s relationship is ending.

    Below, I share three hurtful comments that well-meaning friends said to me during my separation, and three things that I was lucky enough to hear from other friends that I still treasure to this day.

    1. Aren’t you over that yet?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “I thought it was you who ended it, so why are you still moping about?”

    “It’s been six months and you’re still sad. Why don’t you see a therapist and get some pills or something?”

    “You were much more fun before all of this happened.”

    “You’re sobbing quite loudly, and people are looking…”

    I get it. Friends are more fun when they’re not crying into their warm Mimosas at brunch. You naturally want your friends to be happy and to feel better soon, but the timeframe of “soon” is different for everyone.

    Sadness, anger, denial, and depression are all very normal and healthy stages of the grieving process, and healing may take weeks or, more commonly, years.

    We want and need to feel supported and accepted, regardless of our mood. Being around people (especially friends) who are unhappy can be unsettling, but please know that we don’t need you to fix us or even cheer us up. We just want someone to hold our hand now and then.

    The grieving process takes different lengths of time for everyone. Please respect that whatever you consider the right amount of time to be, even if it was right for you, might not be right for me.

    WHAT TO SAY:

    “You’re dear to me whether you mourn for the next ten years or if you get married again tomorrow. Regardless, I’ll be there to share your journey. Here’s a tissue.”

    2. It’s contagious!

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “I can’t imagine being single again at our age.”

    “My partner and I are very secure. We haven’t missed Friday date night in four years.”

    “I didn’t invite you, as it’s only going to be other couples. I don’t want you to feel weird or left out.”

    “Don’t try and put any crazy ideas into my partner’s head. Keep your tantalizing dating tales to yourself please.”

    Divorce/separation can’t be caught like a cold or an STD. This might seem blindingly obvious, but when announcing the end of your relationship to your married/committed friends, their defensive or threatened reactions can make it seem so.

    When we swallow our grief and be vulnerable enough to share with you that our relationships have ended, we are not suggesting that you should do the same. It is not your cue to defend your relationship, or the merits of long-term partnership in general.

    We are not actively seeking new single-friend recruits to hit the club with, and we don’t want you to drink the divorce-spiked Kool-aid. Equally, we are not trying to seduce your significant other and steal him as an oftentimes flabbier and more hygiene-challenged version of our ex.

    Everyone’s relationships are different. Some work and others don’t for an equally innumerable amount of reasons. Your friend needs a shoulder to sob against not one with a chip on it.

    WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:

    “You’ll never be a third wheel, and regardless of your relationship status, you’re our friend. Let me know how I can best support you.”

    3. The devil is in the details.

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “What went wrong? Tell me everything!”

    “Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him???”

    “Are you getting the house, the car, the kids?”

    “I think I saw your ex yesterday at the store; he’s lost weight, hasn’t he? I wondered what he was doing with that beautiful blonde twenty-something…”

    Events as painful as separation can provoke extreme behaviors and reactions. Destruction of property, custody battles, wars over friendships or property, or beloved pets.

    I have been guilty of watching ‘car-crash’ TV too; however, most of us recently separated are not auditioning for the cast of the next Real Housewives!

    We’re not looking to relive the often heart-breaking drama for anyone’s amusement, so please don’t ask for all the gory details or even for an explanation. There’s never just one, easy-to-define reason a relationship ends; there’s rarely a neat single-sentence summary.

    It’s never black and white; instead, it’s grey and messy, and oftentimes the justification and reasoning is not even clear in your own head, let alone trying to justify or explain it to someone else.

    In the same way you wouldn’t hammer a recent widower for all the juicy details, please show a little restrain when talking with the newly separated. 

    WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:

    “I’m so sorry you are going through this sad time. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. If you need a martini and a non-judgmental ear to natter to, I’m here, with no questions asked.”

    —

    A quick note; like me this article is intentionally a little cheeky and exaggerated in parts, but even if you’re guilty of some of the friendship crimes I’ve listed, fear not! This is not intended as persecution.

    As someone who slipped up in the past, I know first-hand that there is very little guidance for those closest to those experiencing the end of a relationship. Know that it’s never too late, though. Reaching out today with the right words can make a real difference.

    The past twelve months have been the most challenging in my life, and I’m very blessed and happy to say that I was (mostly) surrounded with loving and supportive friends.

    There were times when I feared I would never get my mojo back, never feel joy or love again, but I’m starting to laugh more and cry less, and am finally finding my feet again.

    Now, I look forward to being a supportive, caring, and nonjudgmental friend for others experiencing this long and tiring transition.

    For those just starting the process of separation or a little way down this path, know that you will get through this, little by little, day by day. Don’t try and rush your healing. Give yourself the gift of time and respect as you work through the muddy waters of heartache.

    No matter how dark and lost you feel, please take my word that eventually, at the right time for you, you will find happiness again. And the support from your friends along the way will be a reminder of how worthy of love you truly are.

  • Moving from Heartbreak to Happiness: How to Work Through the Pain

    Moving from Heartbreak to Happiness: How to Work Through the Pain

    Lonely Man

    “Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser.” ~Unknown

    There I was, sitting in my lounge room, waiting for my girlfriend to return home.

    We had just bought our first house together and had been living there for a week. It was a chaotic time, balancing moving, work, study commitments, and an obscene amount of renovations. However, the heartfelt joy of settling into our own place overshadowed the chaos.

    Our new home held the dreams of a future life together. The thought of raising a family there filled my heart to the brim.

    It was an exciting time in my life, and I felt I was exactly where I was meant to be. I had the house, the girl, and the ring ready to propose with. Life was good.

    When she arrived home, she was visibly upset. Clueless as to why, I comforted her and asked her what was wrong. Then came the heartbreaking words I never wanted to hear: “I can’t do this anymore.”

    There was no warning, no hint of anything being wrong with our relationship.

    As I sat there, overcome with so many emotions and questions, I tried to comprehend what had just happened. I desperately did everything I could to convince her not to throw away what we had.

    Yet, the more I talked to her, the more I began to not recognize her. Her assertiveness and aggression grew, and the girl I thought I knew concluded with “I no longer love you.”

    With that, our once inseparable connection dwindled to nonexistence. Devastatingly, I lost all hope when she moved into another relationship shortly after leaving me.

    If rock bottom was a destination, the heartbreak of losing the relationship and her moving on to someone else seamlessly had sent me there. Not only was I left mourning the loss of love, but I was living with the fact that someone else had taken my place in her heart.

    I had to give up the house, along with my dreams of spending our lives together. Even losing her family after they had embraced me as one of their own cut me more deeply than I could express.

    All day, every day, I kept picturing her everywhere—even in my sleep, as I dreamed of her constantly.

    What was wrong with me? I asked myself over and over again. I wondered, how could someone say they love you and show so much affection for so long, but within an instant turn into a stranger? The relentless analyzing of our time together seemed to never end.

    I could see my family and friends were doing everything they could for me, but I couldn’t connect with them, or myself. I constantly felt my heart was being crushed and I thought I was losing my mind, as I would endure a year’s worth of emotions each day.

    However, after countless breakdowns, grieving, crying enough tears to fill the Amazon River, and spiralling into depression, I came to realize that some of the greatest answers in life come from the questions we never ask.

    These are the answers I found to help reclaim my life back from heartbreak.

    The first answer came through forgiveness. Forgiving your heartbreaker is a personal decision. You don’t have to do it face-to-face, nor do you have to condone them for their actions. I found my forgiveness had to happen continually; “forgive over and over again” became my mantra.

    One thing that helped me forgive was empathizing with my ex’s decision to leave me. Although this shattered my heart, I came to accept, forgive, and understand her choice, because she wasn’t happy; and that’s something I can understand, because I too would leave a relationship if I were no longer happy.

    In the end, she decided what was best for her path in life, and it was up to me how her decision affected my life.

    I could either be bitter and angry because she abandoned me, or I could choose to forgive and see her off with love.

    It was by far the hardest thing I’ve done. However, choosing love through forgiveness was an essential step to take on my healing journey.

    Another step in the right direction for me was writing down everything I was grateful for every morning and night—simple gifts in everyday life, such as the warm sun on my skin, a fresh breeze, or even a smile from a stranger (it’s amazing what a smile from someone does to you).

    Taking the time to recognize all the little blessings each day offered completely changed my outlook.

    If you feel you are struggling to find gratitude in your life, place your hand over your heart. Can you feel its beat? That alone is the most powerful gift you can be grateful for.

    Practicing these lessons has allowed my personal development to grow further than I thought possible.

    I still have moments where I break down, cry, and feel as though I’ve been swallowed in a sea of sadness, anxiety, and stress. Nevertheless, I have learned to be watchful when these moments start to overwhelm me. I begin to focus on my breath and mindfully engage with the present moment by acknowledging my senses and focusing on what I can see, hear, and feel.

    Once I have bought myself to the present, I recognize and accept my thoughts and feelings with complete self-love. I do not judge or discourage myself for having them. Instead, I embrace and grow through each thought or feeling while it is with me, knowing it shall eventually pass.

    Everything passes eventually. The present is all we truly have, and the only permanency in life is impermanence.

    When you’re dealing with heartbreak, happiness can feel another world away. However, continue to read, write, create, surround yourself with loved ones, seek professional help, and allow yourself to do the things you enjoy. These are the steps that will help you get through this.

    Furthermore, be brave and open up to new ventures. Engaging with people on deeper levels, daily meditation, writing, and finding yoga were some of the greatest gifts my heartbreak welcomed into my life.

    So say yes to happiness, to love, to a positive mindset, and continually affirm that you have the strength to handle whatever comes your way. Acknowledging that things are constantly getting better will be a huge turning point in your healing.

    While the pain may sit with you as you adjust to this new phase in life, remember, you are growing in these times, and every experience in life offers you a gift. Even heartbreak.

    A bad chapter in your story doesn’t mean it’s the end, either. It’s just part of your journey. And everyone’s journey is different, so don’t feel you must rush through your grieving and heal as fast as possible; instead, welcome in all that comes with it. You may be hurt, but you are reading this and taking the steps to gain strength so you can move forward in life.

    After all, moving forward is all we can do. How would you do driving a car constantly looking in the rear-view mirror? Don’t allow your past to cause a crash in your present. Continue to look forward and see the world in each moment as it continually comes toward you.

    When you are ready, you will open your heart and love again. Even though you may feel your heartbreaker took that love away, they didn’t! They simply helped bring it out of you by reflecting the love you feel eternally within yourself. The beauty of this is that you can feel that love all the time through self-love. No one has the power to take that away.

    The more love you give yourself and others, the more you’ll receive in return.

    Embrace this time and let your life become full of beauty and love as you move onward from heartbreak to happiness.

    Lonely man image via Shutterstock

  • You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    “It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.” ~Unknown

    When we’re deep into something it’s hard to see clearly and to hear advice from others. It’s hard to focus on a solution when we are consumed with the problem.

    It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess. It’s so much easier to see checkmate when you’re not the one playing the game.

    That’s what happened to me for the last five years.

    I spent every breathing moment consumed with a man, unable to listen to those who watched me struggle. I spent five years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.

    For five years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never-ending cycle of depression and humiliation.

    I destroyed my reputation and slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behavior, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?

    Still, I couldn’t stop. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For five years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.

    And then I got pregnant, in the midst of the chaos and passion that was our on-and-off relationship.

    Everyone around me pressured me to have an abortion. I knew they were worried about me, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son.

    And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise our child. While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. I broke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character.

    I was wrong.

    From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. He hurt me during the most vulnerable time in my life. Then months later he told me he loved me.

    We did this back and forth game throughout my entire pregnancy. It felt like an eternal emotional tug of war. It was draining. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do.

    I chased him out of fear.

    I chased him for me.

    I chased him for our son.

    I chased him for the home and family I had built in my mind for so many years.

    I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle.

    And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick.

    Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. And the three of us would finally be a family.

    That never happened, of course. My son and I never got that family. And I now know we never will.

    I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind.

    For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. I put him and our connection on a pedestal. I idolized and worshiped every part of him.

    But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him.

    It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

    Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

    I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.

    If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.

    He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.

    It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.

    He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.

    If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.

    It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

    Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

    We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

    The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.

    But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

    Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.

    We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.

    If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.

    I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.

    Wasted time is wasted life.