Tiny Buddha

Tag: break

  • Why We All Need to Pause More Often and How to Do It

    Why We All Need to Pause More Often and How to Do It

    “Taking time to do nothing often brings everything into perspective.” ~Doe Zantamata

    I have always been that person who just cannot seem to slow down. An overachiever? That’s putting it mildly. In every aspect of my life—work, relationships, personal goals—I have always pushed myself to the absolute limit. It is like I have this internal drive that just won’t quit.

    At work, I am always the first one in and the last to leave. Deadlines? I would meet them days early. Projects? I would volunteer for extra ones, even when my plate was already full. And don’t even get me started on my personal life. Whether it was fitness goals, learning new skills, or maintaining relationships, I approached everything with the same intensity.

    I set these incredibly high standards for myself, and I didn’t ever want to fall short. The thought of not meeting my own expectations was like this constant knot in my stomach, anxiety at its peak. I was relentless, always pushing, always striving, never giving myself a break.

    And as for motives, once I set my mind to something, there was no going back. I would make these strict plans and stick to them religiously. It didn’t matter if I was exhausted or if life threw a curveball my way. I would power through, even during the hardest burnouts I ever had in my life.

    Looking back, I realize I was incredibly hard on myself. It wasn’t just about avoiding certain behaviors or sticking to my goals. It was this rigid, almost punishing approach to everything. I had this idea that if I wasn’t constantly pushing forward, I would somehow fall behind.

    Being strict to the core might sound admirable, but let me tell you, it comes at a cost. There were times when I would lie awake at night, my mind racing with all the things I needed to do and all the goals I hadn’t yet achieved. Relaxation was a foreign concept. Taking a break felt like failure.

    It’s funny, you know. People would often tell me to take it easy, to give myself a break. But in my mind, that was just an excuse for mediocrity. I couldn’t fathom the idea of not giving 110% to everything I did.

    Little did I know, this relentless drive was setting me up for a major wake-up call. But that’s the thing about being an overachiever—you don’t realize you are burning the candle at both ends until, well, there’s no candle left to burn.

    It wasn’t until I forced myself to take a step back that I realized the toll this constant cycle of proving myself was taking on my mental health. I remember a particular moment when I felt completely overwhelmed by the endless to-do lists and expectations that I could not meet, no matter what. Instead of powering through like usual, I decided to pause.

    It is like the saying goes: We need to step back to see the bigger picture. We, as humans, have tunnel vision. The pause from the chaos of daily life hustle made me realize what I had been missing all along.

    I realized that my worth wasn’t defined by perfection but by my ability to be present, to find joy in the journey, and to extend kindness to myself. I had personified myself into these roles. Great friendship and good mentorship made me realize what taking a pause really meant.

    I have always gone above and beyond to prove to everyone around me that I am capable of doing great things too. But that stopped when I paused and thought about living up to their expectations of a great life more than mine.

    So, did I stop doing everything?

    No, definitely not; stopping doing everything in life and taking a pause is different. Pausing is not about grinding to a halt or procrastinating. It’s about creating space—to breathe, to reflect, and to gain perspective. And ironically, it’s in those moments of stillness that we often find the clarity and inspiration to move forward with greater purpose and fulfillment.

    What exactly happened when I took a pause?

    I realized a few things when I started taking pauses in my life:

    Clear picture: Taking a pause made me look at my life and perceive what was really going on with a clear perspective. It made me look at my problems from a different angle.

    Focus: Although I gave importance to all the things around me, the constant grind and cycle of work kept me from focusing on things that really needed to be looked into. Pausing changed my focus from being a people-pleaser to what I want myself to be.

    Health: How many times have we all eaten what we got our hands on whenever we were hungry and regretted our food choices later? A better focus on my life made me want to look at my food choices and exercise routine differently. This change made a good impact on my health.

    Stress: The amount of stress I was relieved from as soon as I started taking breaks was good; nah, it was great! Stress is something everyone has in their lives nowadays. I bet you can’t find anyone who is stress-free in life. (Even the rich are stressed about how to invest their money better.) Taking a little pause from the stress of what’s next is great for everyone in life, not just me.

    Energy levels: It is indeed true that energy levels are boosted after a much-deserved break from any routine. My positive energy was high in dopamine; I had clear goals for what to do. I was motivated to do certain things I would have postponed if I hadn’t realized I deserved the pause.

    Better work: There are two types of people: those who want a break before doing great work, and those who can only take a break after their good work. (This was an Instagram meme, by the way.) Whichever category you fit in, you need a break to perform at your best. I have observed that I work better after a good coffee break; my creativity is then at its peak.

    How did I incorporate pauses into my life?

    You might be thinking, “I don’t have the time to take a pause. My time is valuable.” A motto I have also suffered from, like most people in life. Pauses need not be as big as becoming unemployed, dropping all that you usually do, and starting new things.

    Meditation: It can be as simple as a ten-minute mindfulness meditation session. All you have to do is breathe and release that cortisol out of your body.

    Exercise: If you are someone who doesn’t like to sit still, you can go for a walk or run perhaps. A quick adrenaline pump can make you energized. Research suggests that your energy levels stay the same even an hour after exercise.

    Work break: If you are someone who works a lot, you can take five-minute breaks to maintain your workflow. You can also practice the Pomodoro technique, which a mentor of mine taught. It involves working for twenty-five minutes, followed by a five-minute break.

    How did I recognize the signs that I needed a pause?

    It’s funny how our bodies and minds have ways of telling us when we need to slow down. It’s like they’re waving red flags, trying to get our attention. I started noticing these little signs popping up more and more.

    There were days when I would wake up feeling like I had run a marathon in my sleep: totally exhausted, head pounding, and shoulders so tense. And I could not focus on any of my tasks. It was like my brain had decided to take an unscheduled vacation without bothering to inform me.

    Emotionally? Let’s just say I wasn’t exactly winning any “most cheerful person” awards. I found myself snapping at the smallest things, feeling anxious over stuff that normally wouldn’t faze me. People were constantly walking on eggshells around me. It was like my emotional fuse had shortened.

    And then there were the behavioral changes. Suddenly, I was the queen of procrastination, putting off tasks I usually tackled head-on. My coffee consumption skyrocketed. I mean, how else was I supposed to function?

    It took me a while to realize that these were all signs pointing to one thing: I desperately needed a pause.

    But here’s the thing: Taking a break isn’t just about flopping onto the couch and zoning out (though sometimes that’s exactly what we need). It’s about creating an environment that actually lets you recharge.

    I started by decluttering my space. You’d be amazed by how much mental clarity you can get just by tidying up a bit. I carved out a little corner of my home that became my ‘pause zone’—no work allowed, just pure relaxation.

    Setting boundaries was a game-changer. I had to train my family and friends to understand that when I was in my pause zone, it was like I had an invisible “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging over my head.

    I got a bit fancy with it, too. I started using some lavender essential oil (turns out, it really does help you chill out) and found this great playlist of nature sounds. There is nothing like the sound of gentle waves to make you forget about your overflowing inbox, right?

    The point is, creating a space that encourages you to pause doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s about finding what helps you unwind and making it a regular part of your routine. Because, let’s face it, we all need those moments to step back, take a breath, and remind ourselves that the world won’t fall apart if we take a little break now and then.

    I have also come to realize that taking a break doesn’t always mean jetting off to some exotic location or spending a fortune on a lavish vacation. Sometimes, the most effective pauses are the small ones we take in our daily lives.

    It could be as simple as changing up your morning routine, like maybe taking a different route to work or savoring your coffee on the porch instead of rushing out the door. Perhaps it’s dedicating ten minutes to mindfulness before bed or taking a quick walk around the block during your lunch break.

    These mini pauses, these tiny shifts in our day-to-day patterns, are like little reset buttons for our minds. They give us a chance to step back, even if just for a moment, and see our lives from a slightly different angle.

    And often, it’s these small, consistent breaks that make the biggest difference. They remind us that pausing isn’t about escaping our lives but about being more present in them. So next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember: A meaningful break doesn’t have to be big. Sometimes, the smallest pause can offer the greatest perspective.

  • Why It’s So Hard to Just Rest and Why We Need to Do It

    Why It’s So Hard to Just Rest and Why We Need to Do It

    “If you don’t give your mind and body a break, you’ll break. Stop pushing yourself through pain and exhaustion and take care of your needs.” ~Lori Deschene

    In November of 2021, my autoimmune issues flared up. My doctor and I are still unsure which of my conditions—rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia—was the culprit, or if they were acting in cahoots, but the overall achiness and debilitating fatigue were a solid indication that something was more active than usual.

    I woke up tired, needed naps, and often ran out of spoons—a phrase familiar to many with chronic conditions, based on a gorgeous essay called “The Spoon Theory” written by Christine Miserandino.

    While I may not know the reason, the one thing that was certain was that my body was demanding rest.

    Do you have any idea how hard it is to just rest?

    I mean it.

    Knowing that I needed rest did not grant me the immediate ability to actually pull it off.

    I would sit down to watch a show and find myself trying to multitask. Or I would attempt to put off a nap like a recalcitrant toddler. Instead of throwing myself on the floor in a tantrum, I was trying to “push through” so I could finish typing an email or move a load of laundry into the dryer.

    Even with a body and brain that were crying out for rest, it was difficult to allow myself to do it. In the end, I had to reparent myself in order to be able to rest, enforcing stopping times and rest periods.

    Those of us in the western world, especially here in the United States where I live, are programmed to be productive. We are told—and we tell ourselves—all of the things that we “should” be doing in order to be busy. Work in all its forms, from job tasks to errands to chores, is what we are “supposed” to do.

    We are conditioned to be productive and to stay busy from the time we are young. We hear people say things like “I’ll rest when I’m dead” and “no rest for the weary.” We are exhorted to “pay our dues” and “put in the work.”

    If we were somehow fortunate enough to avoid the overt messaging about staying busy and working hard, most of us received those messages indirectly by watching the people in our lives.

    We watched our parents come home from work with arms full of grocery bags, only for them to fix dinner while putting groceries away. Or we were asked what we were doing and made to feel wrong if our answer to the question was a child’s honest “nothing.”

    Long after dinner, once everything was cleaned up or tidied and it was “time to relax,” we watched our parents do additional work, both paid and unpaid. Or we watched them knitting, ironing, or puttering around the house.

    We have been told that we have to “work hard” in order to succeed. That “nothing good comes easy.” That we shouldn’t stop when we are tired, but only when we are “done.”

    Sitting down and resting is not prioritized. Those who decide to rest often must justify it: they have to have earned the right to rest.

    Rest doesn’t only mean sleep, although sleep is a large part of it. It also includes sitting comfortably doing not much of anything at all.

    It could mean listening to music or watching TV or meditating. Or perhaps working quietly on a jigsaw puzzle or craft or reading a book or article. Maybe playing solitaire, or looking out the window, or journaling.

    In the fall, as I was struggling with my autoimmune flare, it occurred to me that I should rest more. I was so accustomed to overriding my body’s signals that I hadn’t realized how far I’d pushed myself.

    When I tapped into how my mind and body were truly feeling, I was shocked to find that my mind and body were almost buckling, on the edge of collapse.

    I waited to notice what was happening until I’d reached the point where I was unable to do many tasks in the day at all. A banner day during that time might have involved doing a single load or laundry or cooking dinner for my husband and me.

    I was so fixated on staying busy that I could no longer assess my need for busyness in an honest manner. I had lost the ability to tune into my body to find out if it needed to move and stretch, or even to stretch out and sleep.

    Had I continued to push ahead for much longer, I’m certain that I would have fallen ill. As it was, I was dealing with brain fog, fatigue, and both joint and muscle pain, all of which made life unpleasant.

    It is easy to see now that I should never have allowed things to get to that state, but fatigue and pain and brain fog have a way of teaming up on you so that you can’t clearly assess much of anything. Nevertheless, when I hit the edge of collapse and burnout, I realized that some serious rest was in order.

    I essentially cleared my calendar for at least three weeks. I cleared my work calendar of appointments, scheduled some brief blog posts and emails, and took time off.

    It was torture at first.

    For one thing, my husband was still getting up and heading out into the world to teach tai chi and qigong classes, so he was modeling “proper” work behavior. For another, I discovered that I was incapable of “just resting.”

    I had to relearn how to listen to my body to discover what it needed. 

    I also had to reprogram my thoughts about rest as being an inherent right that we all hold, and not a reward for productivity.

    I also had to learn how to actually do it.

    I did all of the things I listed earlier as forms of rest, from naps to puzzles to sitting quietly. It was ridiculously difficult.

    I had to almost force myself to limit myself to single-tasking, which is doing one task at a time. That was especially hard if the task was mechanically simple, such as watching a television show. My inner monologue would kick up, chastising me for “just sitting there,” urging me to “be productive.”

    In those moments when I decided that rest meant watching a movie on TV, I sometimes sat on my hands to make sure that I didn’t pick up my phone or a crossword puzzle or something else. I often put my phone on silent and deliberately left it in another room, just to reduce temptation.

    Full disclosure: Even with taking affirmative steps to single-task, I didn’t always manage. I did, however, learn through reinforcement that there was nothing likely to arise in an hour or two of time that required me to give up on resting and take immediate action.

    I realized that in many ways, I was retraining my nervous system to allow itself to relax. It was so used to being in a state of alertness that resting and allowing it to have some time off took some getting used to.

    What I learned when I started to budget rest into my days was that I could start to tell more easily what signals my body was sending. It became easier to converse with my brain and body to find out how they were feeling and what they needed.

    It sounds a bit dissociated when put that way, but I have never felt more integrated than I do now. At any given moment, I can pause, tap into what I am feeling (mentally and physically), and act on my own needs in ways that are more nurturing and caring than before.

    When I realize that I am losing focus on a project—perhaps while typing a blog post or planning a workshop—I no longer push through. Instead, thanks to months of practice, I pause and check in with my brain and body. Thanks to practice, I can quickly ascertain whether I need to take a simple break, to get up and walk around for a bit, to take a walk outdoors, or to stop for the day.

    I am learning to embrace the idea that rest is an inherent right, not something that needs to be earned. It is no longer something that occurs only once I have pushed myself until the point of collapse. 

    As it turns out, the more I lean into rest and build it into my days, the more energy I have to actually accomplish all the things I want to get done in life.

    When I add time off or breaks during the day, I find I have better focus when I need to be working on a task. When I include rest in my days, I have the energy to exercise in the morning and also make a good meal for dinner.

    I invite you to join me in adding actual breaks into your day, where you do nothing “productive” at all. No catching up on phone calls or emails or texts—just rest. I’d love to hear if and how it works for you.

  • Conscious Escapism: The Benefits of a Spiritual Cheat Day

    Conscious Escapism: The Benefits of a Spiritual Cheat Day

    “The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom… You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.” ~William Blake

    Many people discover spirituality through suffering. I found the path due to years of depression, anxiety, and psychosis. Part of the awakening process is identifying behaviors, traits, habits, or thoughts that don’t serve you. As your behavior changes, so does your diet. Not just what you eat, but everything you consume, including what you listen to, watch, read, and pay attention to.

    Orthorexia is the term given to an unhealthy focus on eating in a healthy way. This sounds like a paradox, as a healthy diet improves overall health. However, there’s a tipping point—eating well can become an obsession. You might develop anxiety around eating junk food, and your desire to eat well influences your social life, or you feel guilty for the times you indulge.

    Your spiritual diet isn’t free from its own form of orthorexia. A healthy spiritual diet—such as a practice of meditation, reading spiritual texts, spending time in nature, serving others—boosts your spiritual health. But there is a tipping point.

    What if you guilt yourself for wanting to spend an evening watching Netflix? Or eating without being mindful? Or being distracted and unfocused? Or not having the energy to serve? Or not catching yourself before reacting in anger?

    What if when you feel anxiety, you don’t want to journal or meditate or unpick and dissect its root cause? What if you don’t want to spend the energy to “raise your vibration” or reframe your thoughts? What if all you want is to eat ice cream or go out with friends or have a glass of wine or watch the Champions League?

    The time will come where you no longer crave junk food, for the nourishment of the path itself satiates you more than anything. Until this point, rather than trying too hard to resist, it’s much more beneficial to allow yourself to indulge, and give yourself the occasional treat, without guilt or shame.

    Unconscious Escapism vs. Conscious Escapism

    In psychology, escapism is defined as a behavior or desire to avoid confronting reality. I place escapism into two categories: unconscious and conscious. This is an important distinction, because most people who practice meditation and mindfulness are, to some degree, aware of when they are engaging in unhelpful behavior.

    Unconscious escapism lacks self-awareness. It is a default, auto-pilot reaction to certain uncomfortable feelings. It’s not wrong, or bad, it’s just a way we learn how to cope. But in the context of spiritual growth and healing, unconscious escapism perpetuates suffering. It distracts us from discomfort and ultimately distracts us from ourselves.

    However, conscious escapism explores and acknowledges underlying emotions with compassion, before choosing to indulge. Maybe you’re just tired or require a feeling of comfort, or simply want to enjoy a movie. All of these options are okay, and don’t make you any less “spiritual.” Quite the opposite: choosing to do a mindless activity can be a great act of self-compassion.

    Conscious Escapism Is the Cheat Meal

    Conscious escapism is choosing conventional distractions, knowing the occasional cheat meal doesn’t reflect your overall diet. It’s acknowledging where you’re at and allowing yourself to lean on mechanisms behaviors that provide temporary solace, fully aware this isn’t the ideal solution.

    To get physically fit, a manageable and balanced routine and diet are better than an extreme, high-intensity routine and crash diet. Start off with high intensity, you’ll likely burn out and return to old habits. Instead, as you progress and form new habits, you might increase the intensity, or find that eating well becomes easier.

    There’s no reason the spiritual path has to be any different. Over the years, I’ve experienced the extremes of depriving myself due to the belief around a spiritual person wouldn’t… (get angry, eat nachos or other unhealthy food, binge watch Netflix when feeling down, argue with their partner, enjoy buying new clothes, curse, procrastinate on tackling their finances…)

    It’s only when I allowed conscious escapism that I’ve discovered what really benefits me.

    Mostly, I was encouraged to try this route by supportive friends and family who could tell I needed time off. I’ve always pushed myself, I’ve always placed high standards on myself, and these traits of perfectionism were absorbed into my spiritual practice.

    Over time my need for conventional escape has reduced. But that doesn’t mean I won’t skip a meditation session or watch a few episodes of Community to lighten my mood if it feels right to do so. Going too far in the other direction creates a feeling of stress or even resentment towards my practice, a result of spiritual orthorexia.

    The Spiritual Diet and Discernment

    A word of warning: Conscious escapism isn’t an excuse to choose the path of least resistance. The ego can hijack this concept, too, weaving a narrative of deceit that finds excuses and reasons as to why you deserve to not meditate, or why your unique spiritual path is finding enlightenment through Game of Thrones.

    Be cautious of this and apply the principle of a standard diet. Understand which foods are good and which aren’t. I know that a healthy diet requires me to eat well most of the time. I know that if I always indulge in high-fat, high-sugar junk food, it’ll lead to reduced health. But I know the occasional treat is fine.

    Knowing when to indulge and when to do the work is a matter of trial and error. It takes time, practice, and self-honesty. It requires self-compassion for the moments you over-indulge, knowing sometimes the road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom.

    When you find momentum with your practice, you might experience a tendency to go all-in. The joy and inspiration that comes from meditation, or spiritual discussions, or insights, or noticing areas of growth or healing, create a sense of wanting more. You might feel the spiritual path is your life’s calling, and you’ll do all you can to honor it.

    This is beautiful, and it’s worth appreciating the innocence of this intrinsic motivation. However, I’m here to tell you—you can take the day off. You can breathe, pause, and take time away from growth or development.

    You can, unashamedly, give yourself permission to indulge in conscious escapism.

  • 20 Powerful Self-Care Quotes to Help You Feel and Be Your Best

    20 Powerful Self-Care Quotes to Help You Feel and Be Your Best

    Hi friends! I decided over this long holiday weekend to give myself a break for some much-needed self-care, which I imagine we could all use right now.

    We’ve all been pushed, stretched, and challenged this year. We’ve all given our all, done our best, and perhaps wondered at times if it was good enough.

    That’s the thing about difficult times—we often make them so much harder by expecting a lot from ourselves, pushing ourselves, and beating ourselves up when we fall short.

    We expect ourselves to always be happy. Or productive. Or confident. Or present. Or there for other people.

    We expect ourselves to always be at the top of the game even if we sometimes put ourselves at the bottom of our priority list.

    But we can’t possibly be all of these things all the time, because we’re not perfect, we’re human. And to be human is to be messy, inconsistent, and full of contradictions. To have days when we knock it out of the park and days when we stare at the park from our window. In pajamas. With chocolate stains. If we even make it to the window at all.

    If you can relate to any of what I wrote above—if you hold yourself to a ridiculously high standard, push yourself to the point of exhaustion, or drain yourself trying to be everything for everyone—take a few minutes to reflect upon these twenty self-care quotes. Read them, absorb them, carry them into your day. Because you deserve a break. And you need it to feel and be your best.

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  • What You Need to Hear If You Work Yourself to the Bone

    What You Need to Hear If You Work Yourself to the Bone

    “Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough. You are enough.” ~Daniell Koepke

    A couple years ago, a colleague of mine died from overwork.

    In the days leading up to the event, everything was normal. Everyone was working and getting things done. Things were hectic, but there was nothing out of the ordinary with sixty- to eighty-hour workweeks.

    Then one day, she said that she wasn’t feeling well. She disappeared from her desk and checked into a hospital. A few days later, she passed away.

    Sometime later, the hospital determined the cause of death. She had been suffering from heart problems, which had been caused from working long hours. She was in her late twenties.

    When people heard about it, there were widespread feelings of loss and sadness. But there was also another feeling: shock. Death from overwork?

    It’s one of those things you hear about in the news, or somewhere far away. But to hear about it firsthand from someone you knew? It struck home.

    Then I got to thinking: Was I working too many hours? What if I was pushing myself too hard and didn’t realize it? What if the things that I considered normal weren’t normal at all?

    Being surrounded by people with high aspirations gives you certain conceptions of how things “should” be. Yet after the incident, I started to see work in a different light.

    Like so many others, I previously thought pulling long hours was a point of pride. People would brag about how much they work they did on a given week. Feeling exhausted, drained, and stressed were part of the routine.

    That is, until something drastic happens to shatter that belief.

    Lately, I’ve been practicing self-care more and more. I’ve started to value the importance of stopping once in awhile and enjoying the scenery, rather than always rushing forward to the next spot.

    If you’re exhausted from constantly pushing yourself, perhaps these lessons I’ve learned can be valuable to you as well.

    1. Schedule in regular “me” time.

    Someone I know has a “no work” policy on the weekends. That means no emails, no working on projects, no meetings until Monday. To emphasize how strongly he believes in this policy, he expects the same from his employees as well.

    When I heard this, I was skeptical. How could someone get things done if they simply went off the grid like that? I had always equated working longer hours with better results.

    And yet, he said that ever since he dedicated weekends to himself, he is happier, more productive, and more energized overall. Plus, he gets more time to spend with family and pursue his own hobbies.

    So I decided to try it. I scheduled in time dedicated to myself. That meant I could take a walk, watch a show, or whatever, as long as I wasn’t working.

    Setting aside rest periods meant I was forced to get work done during my designated work periods. It took a while to get used to, I admit. But eventually, I started feeling more focused when I was working and more peaceful when I was resting.

    Now, you might not be able to take the whole weekend off or choose your work schedule. Still, you can set aside time for yourself. Try dedicating one hour on a given day to do anything you want.

    You might be surprised at how refreshed you feel afterward.

    2. “No” can be the best answer.

    When someone asks you to do them a favor, how do you respond? Do you dive in, ready to help? Or do you take a step back and evaluate what to do?

    Whenever anyone asked me for assistance, I would feel obligated to help. If I didn’t give the person some of my time, I would feel guilty and think I was a bad person. Even if the person didn’t really expect my help in the first place, I would still feel as if I should have done something, somehow.

    But I’ve gradually realized that it’s okay to say “no.” I can’t agree to every single request or help everyone who asks for it. I only have a limited amount of time and energy, so I have to choose how to spend it.

    Of course, we all have obligations that we need to fulfill, even if we don’t feel like it. Certain people in our lives rely on us. For instance, I need to answer an email from a client, or you might need to pick up your child after school.

    At the same time, you don’t need to carry the world on your shoulders. Declining an invitation or a request doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply means you’re spending your time on the things that matter most.

    3. You deserve a rest.

    For the longest time, I was hesitant about taking holidays because it meant I wasn’t working. And if I wasn’t working, I wasn’t making progress. I felt the need to simply keep going.

    However, I have since found that those periods of rest can be periods of immense growth. When I step away from my regular routine, it gives me the opportunity to try new things and explore. It enables me to see new ideas that I can integrate into my work and life.

    For instance, traveling has shown me there’s more than one way to live and be happy. While many spend their lives running to the next big thing, many more choose to make the most of what’s around them.

    It can be addictive to run yourself ragged, I know. Your heart beats faster, you feel the thrill of a rush, and your brain feels like it’s about to burst with all your ideas and plans. You’re constantly going, going, going, with no stop to it.

    But chasing that feeling is also damaging your health in the long run.

    If your head is hurting or you feel tired, take a rest. You are not lazy for needing a break. It’s your body’s way of telling you that it’s been running at full speed for far too long.

    Listen to your body.

    —

    It’s not a waste of time to pause work.

    I’ve been trying to balance out that desire to keep pushing forward, while stopping to soak in all the good things around me right now. It isn’t always easy, but I’ve been making it a point to dedicate some time to myself regularly.

    I hope that you have been achieving things that you’ve been working on. But I also hope that you’re taking care of yourself and taking a moment to appreciate all that you’ve achieved already.

    When you stop and look around, your surroundings come into clearer focus.

  • Why I Stopped Being Busy and Took a Pressure-Free Pause

    Why I Stopped Being Busy and Took a Pressure-Free Pause

    “When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another—and ourselves.” ~Jack Kornfield

    It was a Monday a few weeks ago, 6:00am, and I was taking a morning walk. The only light in sight was the neon yellow glare of the street lamps.

    My heart was heavy. It was as if someone had cut my chest open while I was asleep and slipped a cannonball inside.

    My alarm had awoken me at 5:00am, as it had every morning since the start of the year.

    My shoes crunch-crunched in the snow as I trudged along, ignoring this dull ache in my chest, telling myself, “It’s just resistance to being up so early. Keep pushing through; gotta get those 12,000 steps today, Will.”

    I got to the end of the road, a mere eighty or so meters from my house, and WHOOSH, a wild wave of emotions washed over me, forcing me—jolting me—to stop walking and stand still and silent in the snow.

    I stood and stood as if I’d fallen asleep upright and frozen to death.

    This whooshing wave felt like a panic attack. Except it wasn’t.

    It was this feeling coming from my chest, the one I had tried to ignore. If its first attempt to get my attention was a whisper, this was a shout.

    And it was shouting in desperation, ”LISTEN TO ME, WILL.”

    Without consciously making the decision, I turned and walked home.

    I’d barely walked for two minutes, not quite the forty-five-minute morning walk I had planned, but something inside of me, I can’t explain what, told me this was long enough for today.

    Arriving home, I sat down at my desk to give this feeling some attention.

    My eyes closed. I did my best to give a name to what I was feeling…

    Was it sadness? Nope. Dissatisfaction? Closer, but not quite. Pressure? Yes, pressure! I was feeling pressured!

    The next logical question for me was, why? Why was I feeling pressured?

    The answer was right under my nose, and no, that’s not a metaphor; the answer was literally right under my nose, sitting there on my desk, staring up at me.

    You see, lying there in the center of my desk, scribbled on a piece of paper, was my list of jobs for the day, and it was a long, long list.

    I’d listed all the action steps I felt I needed to take, I felt I should take, I felt I must take on this day.

    An intimidating list detailing emails to be sent, words to be written, opportunities to be created. More. More. More. This list was going to keep me occupied almost every waking minute of the day, having me run around like a headless chicken, stuck in doing mode.

    Sure, there were self-care rituals—meditation, Qi Gong, walks dotted throughout the day—but even these seemed like chores within my strict schedule, just something else to tick off.

    Supporting myself through this, next, I pondered the question:

    How can I take this pressure off of myself?

    At first, no ideas came to mind, nothing, nada.

    Because wasn’t my list full of non-negotiables?

    Then an insight arose, which brought with it an air of refreshment followed by fear.

    “TAKE TIME OFF, WILL.”

    My heart was speaking to me again, the same voice that had spoken to me earlier on my walk, now providing me with an insight to take time off.

    Which was fascinating because the voice of my mind had been telling me to do the exact opposite previously, telling me to write out a big long list of to-dos.

    It was my mind that had told me to wake up at 5:00am so I could do more during each day.

    It was my mind dishing out the restricting need, must, and should statements.

    The thought of taking time off was refreshing, but the fear was: What would happen if I stopped living in doing-mode for some time?

    Fear suggested that taking time out would be a bad thing; I’d lose out on an opportunity of some kind or end up getting lazy. My heart trusted that taking time out, or rather, slowing down was the right path to take to relieve the pressure.

    After a little more reflection, my heart gave me a complete ‘prescription’ to take the pressure off of myself. It involved three stages.

    1. Distinguish between non-negotiable commitments and desires so that I could be more flexible.

    So much of what I thought were non-negotiables were not. They were nothing more than rules I had created. For example, I had told myself I must finish my studies by March. In truth, I don’t have to; this is just a desire.

    I still had a list of commitments I couldn’t stop entirely, but it was a much shorter and more manageable list!

    2. Pause my desires to relieve the pressure.

    Once I’d identified my actual commitments (work, family, household duties), I looked at my list of desires and gave myself permission to pause these.

    This was when fear crept in again…

    Am I allowed to pause my commitments?

    Am I allowed to say no to people?

    The answer is yes.

    I decided on a three-week pause period where I would concentrate only on actual commitments and, of course, concentrate on taking care of myself.

    I decided to pause my studies, any reading for learning (as opposed to enjoyment), any business-related activities, being active on social media—anything I felt I could pause temporarily without jeopardizing myself.

    3. Create a refreshment plan.

    Within my three-week pause period, I set some gentle intentions for how I would spend my time. After all, I had created a lot of time by simply pausing the desires that were causing the pressure.

    So I asked myself a different question.

    Rather than “What must I do?” I asked myself, “What would I love to do?”

    Some of my answers included:

    – Resting. Sleeping longer and napping during the day. My long days were making me feel exhausted.

    – Spending more time outside in nature. I was spending too much time in the online world, staring at computer screens all day. I’ve found myself on my walks, just pausing, closing my eyes, and enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face.

    – Spending more time with my girlfriend, Yvonne, and my family and friends. I know the quality of our personal relationships is a huge determining factor in our levels of happiness. I’d been a little neglectful of this.

    – Reading more fiction. I normally read to learn, which I love, but it’s tough going. I wanted to escape to some far-off fictional land!

    – Practicing the act of appreciation. Tony Robbins says, “Trade your expectations for appreciation, and your whole world changes in an instant.” Having dropped my personal expectations of myself and switched to appreciating, this has certainly been true for me. Each night I’ve been listing ten things I appreciate.

    I’m two weeks into my pause period, and I’m pleased to say I’m feeling refreshed. My personal relationships have improved, the weight has been lifted from my shoulders and chest, and I feel somehow I’ve gotten out of my own way.

    Perhaps I was being busy in an illusionary attempt to feel in control of the areas of my life I wished to move forward.

    This may be true.

    I also feel we often stay stuck in ‘doing mode,’ moving toward our goals, because we feel on the other side of those actions and goals is what we really want. 

    And what do we really want? I can only speak for myself, of course. When all is said and done, what I really want most is the freedom to enjoy my life and to feel good.

    By taking a step back, I’ve realized an important truth.

    I have this freedom right now.

    It’s a funny world we live in where we work so long and hard to essentially buy back our freedom at a later date.

    It’s far easier to appreciate the level of freedom we have right now, before pursuing more. This has been my biggest lesson.

    There is absolutely a time for actions, progress, a time for being down on our knees planting seeds.

    However, we need to be mindful of when it’s time to pause and take a step back and enjoy the warmth of the sun on our faces.

  • A Break from Your Routine

    A Break from Your Routine

  • How Short Rests Can Make You Healthier, Happier, and More Productive

    How Short Rests Can Make You Healthier, Happier, and More Productive

    “Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” ~John Lubbock

    Do you ever fear taking breaks?

    Maybe you think that if you stop working, everything is going to come crashing down?

    Sometimes it feels like you’re riding a train of momentum, and if you try to stop or slow down you’re just going to come off the tracks.

    I know the feeling. Believe me, I used to feel the same.

    I wanted so badly to achieve everything I could, and would beat myself up if I didn’t. Coffee would fuel my mornings, deadlines and adrenaline my afternoons.

    At the time I wasn’t completely oblivious to the problems with my lifestyle. No matter how tired I would get, I still wasn’t sleeping well, and I’d often spend weekends thinking about work.

    I could be out at lunch on a Sunday, only half engaged in a conversation with friends because I was already mentally rehearsing Monday.

    I knew that I was always just a little bit too stressed. And to make it worse, I was confused, caught between the fear of slowing down and the fear of allowing stress to damage my health.

    The problem is, it already was. I started getting headaches at work and waking up with chronic tension in my neck and my back. At a certain point I realised it just wasn’t worth it.

    Finally I decided it was time to do something.

    So I read a few books on how to better manage my energy. Once I started learning about how important breaks were to my body, mind, and well-being, I began to start taking them seriously. And I noticed something strange—I was becoming more and more productive and I had less stress.

    So today I want to tell you something, and I really want you to listen.

    You need a rest.

    I know what your brain is telling you. How will the kids get to school? How will the bills get paid? I have three to-do lists—and that’s just this morning. How on earth am I going to find time to rest?!

    Fortunately, short rests can become a part of anyone’s lifestyle, no matter how busy they are. And the truth is that if you don’t rest, you’ll never feel like your body is recharging properly.

    You might collapse at the end of the day and fall into a deep sleep every once in a while, but that feeling of being refreshed and ready to take on the day when you wake up just won’t be there.

    So Why Is Rest Important?

    Our modern idea of success is to work longer and longer hours until we crash. Companies who praise the ‘hardest workers’ fuel this. It sets a precedent where everyone gives all their energy, but very little of their best work.

    The result is that we have a society where rest is considered to be a reward, or even worse, indulgent. But this is not the case at all; rest is a cornerstone of a healthy, happy, and productive life. In fact, rest throughout the day is as important as food, water, and sleep.

    Getting in Tune with Our Natural Rhythms

    In the mid-twentieth century physiologist Nathan Kleitman discovered that our energy levels rise and fall in ninety-minute sleep cycles. What isn’t as widely known, though, is that he also found that we have ninety-minute wake cycles.

    These are called our ultradian rhythms, and if we don’t take proper rests to manage our arousal, we end up less creative, our stress hormones stay elevated, and our dopamine levels can get out of balance—leading to mental illness.

    What happens with most people is that as their focus starts to wane, they continue to push themselves to work. In the process they start to draw from their reserves of adrenaline and cortisol to get through the fatigue and maintain enough arousal to work. While some release of these stress hormones is natural, if you don’t rest enough to allow your body to balance them you’ll end up fatigued and unproductive.

    So what you need to do is make sure you take mindful, non-work related breaks, at least every ninety minutes.

    Here are some ways to make sure you take effective rests throughout your day.

    Take decent size rests.

    Rests should be at least five to fifteen minutes long. They should also include an activity that is completely detached from work or technology.

    Some effective ways to rest are through mindfulness practices, deep breathing, yoga, light walks, or exercise. Creative activities are also a good way to clear your mind, such as sketching, free-writing, or journaling.

    Add it to your calendar.

    Treat your commitment to rest with as much respect as you would any other daily task. Put the restful activity in your schedule or to-do list and try to find an accountability partner to make sure you stick to them.

    Time your work.

    If you can time your work and follow the natural cycles of your body you’ll immediately see a huge improvement in how you feel. Try to stick to the advice above and do no more than ninety minutes of straight work without a break.

    Get to know yourself.

    We all have certain periods during the day in which we experience dips in our concentration. For a lot of us it is between 2 and 4pm. This is a great opportunity to take a slightly longer rest, such as a short nap, if the option is available.

    Remember, rest isn’t an excuse to work less, it’s a natural method to help you work better, and more importantly, feel better!

  • 40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

    40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

    “Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ~Lao Tzu

    It’s common among overachiever types: We like to push ourselves.

    Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Sometimes it’s to create the illusion of change when really, you’re just spinning your wheels. Sometimes it’s simply to avoid standing still and accepting the moment as it is.

    All that pushing can feel so smart and productive—until you’re exhausted, overextended, overwhelmed, or otherwise ready to snap. I’ve felt all these things before.

    There are days when I try to be everything to everyone and do more than I can reasonably accomplish, but I know there’s only so much my body, mind, and spirit can take.

    Since it never seems to work to shout, “Stop the world, I want to get off,” I’ve come up with a few simple ways to give myself a break when I need it.

    If you feel physically, mentally, emotionally, or even digitally exhausted, these tips may help: (more…)

  • When You’re Hurting and Healing: Give Yourself a Break

    When You’re Hurting and Healing: Give Yourself a Break

    Give Yourself a Break

    “Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

    Often these days, I would like nothing more than to move forward. If I could only figure out which way was forward, I would definitely start heading in that direction. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m going through a break-up, the most major break-up of my life so far.

    Again, I’m often disappointed that if I were to check a box to describe my “relationship status” it would most likely be “It’s complicated.”

    Truthfully, it’s not as complicated as I make it; however, at times it has me spun around to the point that I don’t know my direction. Pain and confusion are part of daily life.

    Recently, after a tearful conversation with my ever-supportive sister, I was looking forward to sitting down on my cushion and experiencing the sadness and pain I was feeling.

    I had spent a day intently focused at work, and, when my mind wandered, holding back tears. I was looking forward to letting those tears flow. I was ready to let these emotions live and to acknowledge and accept them, to live with them.

    I thanked my sister for everything, hung up the phone, walked to my cushion, and sat. I set the timer. I pulled my head up high. I collapsed, crying. I pulled myself up again. I collapsed again, bawling.

    Merely the thought of pulling my chest up again was exhausting. All day I had looked forward to a moment when I could let these emotions be, and now I felt too weak to experience them in the manner I thought I should.

    Experiencing the discomfort, however, did not seem to be my current problem.

    These emotions had something to teach me, and I wanted to learn. If I could just sit in meditation with the pain I was experiencing, I could begin to understand the lessons—or so I thought. I thought the lessons would tell me what to do and how to move forward.

    I wanted to be strong and stable. I wanted to sit with my head high and feel the pain. I wanted to not be a pile of howling self-pity on my bedroom floor. Sitting on the cushion, I realized I might not have an option.

    It was undeniable. At this moment I might just be a weeping mass on my bedroom floor. A word came to mind: overwhelm. I was overwhelmed.

    So I reset my timer. Five minutes. For five minutes I could cry my heart out. Then, I decided, I’ll get up, cook dinner, eat dinner, drink a cup of coffee, and read a novel, and then I’ll come back to the cushion.

    The new plan went much better. Only, I wept for about thirty seconds, and then I lay there breathing deeply. The timer went off and I got up.

    I remembered Pema Chodron’s advice about lightening up, which is exactly what I needed to do. She said, splash water on your face, go jogging, do anything different. I put on Donna Summers instead of the cathartic break-up music I’ve been playing recently.

    I danced while I cooked dinner. I had my dinner, my coffee, my reading. I sat on my cushion. I experienced the feelings that had now transitioned into numbness.

    The gratitude I have for that experience, for being able to recognize my needs and provide them for myself, to simply give myself a positive, healthy break, is immense.

    I gave myself the space I needed. I had hoped to sit on the cushion and get that space, but I found it shaking to “Bad Girls” instead.

    It’s not uncommon to want ourselves or our situation to be different. It is the desire to be a better person that pushes us to grow, change, and actually become better people. However, personal growth is often a slow and painful process.

    The expectation to be something we are not, whether temporarily or permanently, is a form of aggression toward our selves.

    The best thing we can do is nurture ourselves and our circumstances just as they are. Listen to yourself and do not try to force yourself or your situation to be something it is not.

    When you give yourself a break, you create space. Allowing things to be, just as they are, without judgment or expectation, gives you room to breathe. And that is good for clarity. You may find things start to get better, if you let them.

    My situation remains “complicated,” and I still experience confusion. However, the confusion has slowly begun to dissipate. I am more willing to rest in that confusion, to accept complicated.

    The truth is, I am moving forward, day by day, no matter what my choices. There is nothing disappointing about complication; it’s a sign of growth and transition. It’s hard to see sometimes, but the joy of living is in the unknown.

    Letting myself be weak gave me strength. Letting myself be confused gave me clarity. Letting my life be complicated simplified it. Letting myself off the hook gave me a really pleasant evening when I needed it most.

    Girl meditating image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Ways to Fulfill Your Needs While Helping Others

    4 Ways to Fulfill Your Needs While Helping Others

    Meditating

    “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama

    “Take care of the self.” This was the last line of an email I received from a professor many years ago. It was in response to my message explaining that I would not attend class that week because my brother-in-law had been killed by a drunk driver.

    I had expected a standard offer of sympathy and a summary of the assignments I would be missing. Indeed, my professor offered condolences for my loss, but then he told me not to worry about reading, assignments, or even showing up to class until I felt up to it. “Take care of the self,” he said.

    This is the first situation in which I remember feeling that I had permission to allow myself what I needed. After all, fulfilling our own needs before the needs of others is often perceived as selfish. We feel compelled to make commitments, promises, and sacrifices for others, but rarely for ourselves.

    It was not until several years after my professor’s email that I realized I did not have to choose between fulfilling my own needs and the needs of others. On the contrary, the more I focused on my own needs, the more support I was able to offer others.

    Sometimes acknowledging what we need—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually—is more difficult that actually acquiring what we need. More often than not we simply need to grant ourselves permission.

    These are four methods I use to address and fulfill my own needs on a daily basis.

    1. Admit when you need a break.

    So often we push ourselves far beyond our mental and physical limits. This is often for a worthy cause, an important goal, or a valued relationship. Unfortunately, when we sacrifice our needs to keep working or giving and “push through,” we frequently sacrifice the quality of what we are doing as well.

    If I have a week full of deadlines or commitments, I will often award myself a timeout. That might mean taking an evening off and just watching TV, curling up with a book, taking a leisurely walk with the dog, or maybe even taking a much-needed nap.

    Taking a break can renew your energy and allows you to tackle projects with improved productivity and new perspectives.

    2. Commit to yourself.

    Smartphones and other technologies have made it even easier to over-commit our time and resources. Without even trying, I used to fill my week with coffee dates, book clubs, volunteering, and other appointments. With my life planned out by the hour, time with my family and to myself became things I had to “fit in.”

    Recently, I made a commitment to reduce social outings and plan “me time” into my schedule. Now I am shocked at all the things I have time to do that I was missing before! Make two or three commitments to yourself throughout the week that help fulfill your own needs; take a yoga class, make time to read for fun, or cook a special, healthy meal.

    Don’t just pencil in me time, write it in permanent marker! Be sure to honor commitments to yourself the same way you would keep plans with a friend. When we respect our own time and our own needs, it allows us the capacity to do the same for others.

    3. Reevaluate your external commitments.

    Make sure you are committed to something or someone because of genuine compassion or interest rather than a sense of obligation.

    After reevaluating all your commitments to causes, events, or relationships, you might find that some of them do not align with your values. Continuing to give your time and energy when your heart isn’t truly engaged does you and the person or cause you are involved with a disservice.

    My instinct whenever someone invites me to an event or asks for my participation is to say “yes” before evaluating how that request fits with my own values and needs. Now I try to take a moment, maybe even a few days, to consider whether I have the physical and mental capacity to truly commit to something.

    Spending my time with people whose company I value, or doing work that I believe makes a difference allows me to fulfill my own needs while also connecting with and helping others.

    4. Communicate your needs to others.

    If a friend told you she couldn’t participate in your fundraiser because she was overwhelmed with other commitments, would you make her feel bad? Chances are you would tell her, “No worries! I understand.” Allow yourself the same courtesy and understanding.

    Address your needs with others respectfully, but directly. If someone asks you to commit to something that conflicts with your needs, explain honestly why you can’t: “I’ve been tired all week so tonight I need to stay home and go to bed early,” or “I spent a lot last week so I need to save money; could we have coffee instead of dinner?”

    —

    I often hear people say “I just don’t have the time…” to exercise, take a day off from work, or explore something they’re genuinely interested in. The truth is, without making a commitment to acknowledge and acquire what you need, you will never have the time.

    When you feel too overwhelmed to make time for yourself, remember that the help you can offer others will be limited if you neglect to fulfill your own needs as well.

    Photo by skyseeker

  • When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    I have always defined my life by my career. I think that was my first mistake.

    For the last six years, I worked at a publicity firm in Los Angeles.

    It was a job where your email is the first thing you check in the morning before getting out of bed. A job where you are on your phone while eating your dinner. A job where your boss calls you out of a funeral in order to send out a press release. Frequent travel, evening events to attend, and not a lot of free time. Not any free time.

    The problem was that this job became my life. I went from work, to home, to bed, each day.

    Seven months ago, I quit my job. In fact, not only did I quit my job, I moved out of my Los Angeles apartment and hopped on a one-way flight to Puerto Rico all in one week.

    I had met someone who opened my eyes to thinking differently and who let me see that I should try and find a life where I was happy.

    I realized that this job was not bringing me the life that I wanted to experience. My hair was falling out due to stress; I had migraines each week. My doctor even advised for a change.

    My first weeks in Puerto Rico were paradise. I lay on the beach, learned to dive, and got on a surfboard. I went to waterfalls, drank pina coladas, and I was in love. Soon, however, I started to come down off my high. I started to get anxiety.

    I realized what happened. When I took away my job, I took away 90% of the only thing I knew to be my life. I had a big hole inside of me now. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, what my hobbies were, or who I was as a person.

    Keeping busy through work never allowed me time to think about things like that. Now that I had no job filling my time, I was overwhelmed with thinking. The thinking soon led to over-analyzing, which then led to anxiety.

    I woke up each day with a knot in my stomach. What was I doing? Am I going to be happy today? What am I going to do for a career? What is my life going to be like in Puerto Rico?

    Often I would worry that my new relationship would fail. My boyfriend fell in love with me because of my independence, my drive, and my passion—all of which he observed through my former job. Now that the job was gone, I felt I had lost all of those traits as well and that he soon would fall out of love with me.

    What I came to realize was that “I” was not my career. That wasn’t what defined me. I still had all of those traits and more. I was putting these thoughts and worries into my head that didn’t need to be there.

    People fantasize about living on a tropical island. Seeing the ocean each morning when you wake up. Walking beaches with not a single other person on the sand. So why, in the land of paradise, was I causing myself so much worry and stress?

    If I couldn’t cease my worries here, I certainly had no hope anywhere else.

    So I made it my mission to not take life so seriously and to learn to be present each day in order to find happiness within myself and for my new life. These were my daily mantras:

    1. Give yourself some credit.

    I took a big risk when I quit my job. I took an even bigger risk moving to an island. Rather than being down on myself for not having a career at the moment or not feeling like my life has a purpose, I give myself credit for the little things: learning Spanish a bit more, attempting to surf, taking pilates each week at a local studio, meeting new people.

    When you are focusing on what you see as bad things, you are preventing the good from shining through.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take ten minutes of meditation time each day and thank yourself for it afterward. Get up early and make a healthy breakfast. Talk to someone new in line at the coffee shop. Notice the little things you are already doing each day for yourself.

    2. Stop thinking so much.

    Think of nothing for two whole minutes. Clear your mind. Don’t put effort into thinking about things that haven’t happened yet. It will just cause you worry. It’s too much for one little mind and it’s a waste of your time and energy.

    I still catch myself in a whirlwind of thoughts each day and every time this happens, I stop, I take three deep breaths, I think about something positive, and I smile. There is always a reason to smile and less of a reason to worry.

    3. It’s okay to take a break.

    My family asked me why I was wasting a college degree and why I spent my 401k to move to an island. I didn’t have a straight answer for them, but I did know that I worked harder than I ever had for six years of my life, for almost twelve hours each day and put up with a lack of appreciation for what I did.

    So it was okay if I took some time to do nothing. You don’t have to be achieving scientific discovery every day. It’s okay to take time to simply be and to experience life.

    4. You don’t have to find your life purpose tomorrow.

    I used to hate the saying “find what you love and go do it.” As if it’s so easy. But each day, don’t be afraid to attempt something new. In Puerto Rico, I have learned that I actually like oysters. I love being in the water. I am more creative than I thought I could be.

    I still haven’t found what I love in life or what my “purpose” is, but trying is the only way to find it.

  • The Little Events That Shape Our Lives

    The Little Events That Shape Our Lives

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    This morning, I sat through my third fall semester orientation in my graduate school career. While most of the time I sat begrudgingly listening to my professors, there were a few things that stood out to me. When I left the orientation, one thing was loud and clear:

    I had not done nearly as much as my peers had done.

    As I listened to my professors and peers talk about their research, their positions within the department, things they had accomplished, and how far they had come, I was left wondering: What exactly had I done?

    I had barely written any of my dissertation, I had done zero research over the prior few months, and I had no awards or accolades attached to my name.

    Where it felt like my classmates had gone above and beyond the duty of a graduate student, I was left alone to wonder if I hadn’t done as much as them.

    What made things worse is that I started to compare myself to others, except under the guise of superiority. I started to think about people who had done less research than me.

    I began to say, “I may not have done as much as (insert person here) but I surely have done more than (insert person here).” My inner critic was beginning to not only beat me down, but others, some of whom I love very dearly, who have helped make my experience as a graduate student far easier.

    In order to keep my inner critic in check, move from judgment, and be real with myself, I had to answer the questions: What exactly had I done with myself? More specifically, what had I spent the summer doing? (more…)

  • When Giving Up Really Isn’t: Taking a Step Back

    When Giving Up Really Isn’t: Taking a Step Back

    “A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn.” ~Unknown

    A year ago this week I was lying on a pile of laundry on my bathroom floor, sobbing, blowing my nose into a dirty t-shirt. I was in the last stages of packing up my apartment, selling my furniture, putting a few belongings into storage, and at 34 I was moving home to my parents’ house.

    It was not a good month, in a less-than-stellar year.

    It was a year filled with difficult circumstances. Two years earlier I’d given up a steady career as a librarian to pursue my dream of writing a book and becoming a freelance writer. I was accepted into an excellent MFA program in Boston and had spent those two years working day and night to finish the manuscript, which I did.

    But by the end of those two years I had gone through my entire savings. The jobs I had applied to and even interviewed for hadn’t materialized, and my part-time work as a web writer didn’t help much with my astronomical living expenses. I didn’t yet have an agent or publisher, I was out of money, and I was facing the unknown.

    I blamed myself for not being more successful and I was afraid this had been a waste of time.

    On top of that I’d been chasing a relationship with a man who left me hanging when I needed him most. I felt like a failure on every possible level. I had followed a dream, given up a career, wasted time on a guy who flaked, and I had nothing to show for it.

    So I found myself on my bathroom floor, on top of a huge pile of laundry, disappointed in myself and terrified about what to do next.

    I was wrong about having “nothing to show for it,” of course. I just needed to backtrack and figure out the next step.

    Flash-forward a year and I’m doing well as a freelance writer and a section of my book is appearing in an anthology. The last year hasn’t been easy, but these are some of the lessons I picked up along the way: (more…)

  • When It Feels Too Hard To Keep Trying: Rest or Push Harder?

    When It Feels Too Hard To Keep Trying: Rest or Push Harder?

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    When working toward a goal becomes difficult, it’s hard to know whether to push or take a rest.

    In my early twenties, living 3,000 miles away from home as a live-in nanny in a very different lifestyle became very stressful. I quit. I felt I couldn’t adjust to it, and I also couldn’t tolerate feeling out of my element every day for months.

    It was a decision I quickly regretted. The family I worked for was amazing, and as soon as I moved home I missed them—and California. I regretted giving up so soon and in a way that impacted two very special young children.

    In hindsight, I realize that had I pushed harder and committed to just a few more months, things would likely have eased for me.

    At the time, I wasn’t aware of how resourceful I actually was, and hovering outside of my comfort zone for so long left me feeling the urgent need to feel grounded.

    Instead of finding other ways to achieve that feeling, I moved back home.

    In college, I was fixated on earning high grades. I loved school and loved learning, but I felt that it only “counted” if it was acknowledged by an “A” on my final transcript.

    I pushed too hard that first year, and I quickly became isolated and depressed.

    By the next year I had learned that if I didn’t rest periodically, my whole life and health would suffer. And all the “A”s in the world can’t buy happiness.

    I’m the world’s biggest proponent of, “Take it easy on yourself.” In my full-time work, I often advise clients to reduce their academic course load to find more balance in their lives. (more…)

  • How to Avoid Burnout and Take a Digital Break

    How to Avoid Burnout and Take a Digital Break

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    By the end of 2011, I was trying my hardest not to see it: burnout.

    I’d been going full steam ahead since I turned my part-time business into a full-time vocational mission, back in 2009. When people remarked that I was doing a lot, I would wave away their comments and say facetiously, “Well, you know—I’m a Sagittarius with three planets in Virgo.”

    Part of the reason I didn’t want to really look at what was going on was that 2011 had been a banner year. After years of hard work, I was (finally!) starting to see the benefits that come with it: increased traffic, more clients, and more requests to collaborate on projects with people I admired.

    But the burnout was obvious: not looking forward to Mondays, not wanting to check email, feeling perpetually tired and overwhelmed, and sometimes, resentful.

    I really wanted to be away from the computer, away from email, and definitely not getting distracted with social media. This thought was always followed by an immediate fear: “I can’t do that! I’ll lose everything I’ve worked for!”

    But as Chodron says, fear is what happens when we move closer to the truth.

    My truth was that I wanted a complete digital break. So finally, from December 15th 2011 through January 15th 2012, I took one.

    Since so many people have asked me “how” I could possibly run a business and take thirty days away from being online, I’ll share what I learned. (more…)