Tiny Buddha

Tag: body

  • How to Start Feeling at Peace with the Way You Look

    How to Start Feeling at Peace with the Way You Look

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” ~Steve Furtick

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with the way I look. Back when I was at school, I stood out, being one of the only Asian students in a small English village. This heightened my awareness of how different I looked in relation to my peers and started my obsession of comparing myself with others.

    It is often stated that adolescence can be a painful period in everyone’s life, and mine was no exception. By the age of thirteen, I suddenly sprouted into a gangly, long-limbed teenager with greasy hair.

    I retreated into my world of loud and angry rock music, pretending not to care about anything but secretly in a spiral of self-hatred and loneliness.

    I’d always assumed I’d naturally grow out of feeling down about my looks, but I have now come to realize that insecurity about one’s appearance should not be underestimated and simply shrugged away as an “adolescent phase.”

    By seventeen my self-hatred had intensified, and I began working in a part-time job to start saving for plastic surgery—the only thing I decided would make me happy about my appearance.

    I became scarily obsessed with how I looked, excusing myself every half hour at work to check my face, and I have countless memories of crying in desperation at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

    I realize now that all of this clearly foreshadowed an eventual breakdown of some sort, but I was still shocked when it happened. After my first month of college, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and left.

    It seemed as though everything was suddenly changing for the worse. Amid all this chaos, my insecurities and anxieties became so overwhelming, I felt unworthy of looking after myself. I ended up suffering from insomnia and lost over fourteen pounds within a month.

    I now see that a shock to the system was needed to make me open my eyes to what I was doing to myself.

    I had hated myself for so long but had repressed my feelings, sure that with time I would suddenly “get better” without actually addressing the real problem.  

    I could blame the media and the narrow perception of beauty it promotes. I could blame all the people that ever made hurtful or thoughtless remarks, in most cases unaware of the anguish they would cause me. But I won’t.

    It all starts with feeling good about who you are. Because I so clearly didn’t, I became a magnet for criticism and negativity from others and allowed it to affect me to my detriment. (more…)

  • Love Your Body, Love Yourself: You Are Not Alone

    Love Your Body, Love Yourself: You Are Not Alone

    Jumping

    “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    I hated myself when I was a kid.

    I was overweight and starting to really like girls, but they didn’t like me.

    I didn’t want to take my shirt off in front of them, so I didn’t go to the pool. And, when my parents made one last ditch effort at their marriage and moved to Coral Springs, Florida when I was in fifth grade—away from my friends and my hometown of Davenport, Iowa—I didn’t go to the beach.

    Any religious feeling I might have accidentally absorbed as a boy attending Prince of Peace Lutheran Church every Sunday, I channeled directly into prayers for the Roulette-like decision to be picked to play “shirts” not “skins” during basketball in gym class.

    I felt overwhelming self-consciousness during those agonizing moments waiting for the gym teacher to go down the line, pointing his almighty finger at each player.

    I sent my entreating pleas up to whatever deity would listen, asking to be saved from the humiliation of running and jumping without a shirt to hide my love-handles from the girls on the other side of the gym.

    It’s like that scene in On The Waterfront where Marlon Brando stands on the docks with all the other men waiting to be chosen for a day’s work.

    The men stand, anxious, cold with visible breath, waiting for the decision, hoping they look strong enough to work even though they haven’t eaten for days. If the foreman picks him, his family has dinner tonight.

    If the gym teacher picks me to play basketball with my shirt on, well, then…

    I can play basketball with my shirt on.

    I look at kids now and wonder if they feel as sad, lonely, and serious about life as I did when I was that age. It seems impossible, but I’m sure some of them do, and I have great compassion for them trying to find comfort in their own skin.

    It’s the kind of feeling I gravitate toward when I watch films and plays, and read books, and in my own work as I continue to develop my voice.

    It’s a feeling, ineffable, a longing, an ache. (more…)

  • Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

    Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

    “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ~Benjamin Spock

    I used to believe that I was my thoughts. I really believed that everything happened well because I had analyzed and planned and prepared. I didn’t even know that I was doing this. I didn’t know there was any more to me than my thoughts.

    I also used to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, so thinking about how to fix myself was my main pastime.

    All my life people told me, “You’re too sensitive,” “so intense,” “you’re just so emotional.”

    I told this to myself, and plenty of other people told it to me too, both directly and indirectly.

    I didn’t know how to live. I had an analysis of life rather than an experience of life when I was with others. When alone, my life was deep and vivid and rich. I felt it all. Little did I know then, no one knows how to live. We do it.

    It only felt safe to feel it all alone. I’d get sideswiped by inexplicable emotion at inconvenient times. So, I just tried to keep it all under wraps, keep it all under conscious control.

    I didn’t trust myself at all. I didn’t trust my body. I didn’t trust anything other than my thoughts. My body was so unpredictable and confusing, this sensitivity was so out of control.

    Then, when I was twenty-five and married, after just graduating with my Master’s degree as a marriage and family therapist, I couldn’t do it anymore. It all fell apart. I realized that there was more to me, and the life I was living was a fake, a construction based on my thoughts.

    I got divorced. I quit my job. I moved. I dropped it all. Realizing how much of my life was a lie and how directly I could connect with and trust my body made me see that I couldn’t keep living that life. It was a beautiful break down.

    It was then that I started studying hypnosis in depth and I came in direct contact with my subconscious.

    It was a funny paradox that it was so hard for me to relax because it was hard for me to let things be easy. I thought that every thing took a lot of effort.

    I couldn’t believe that I could have such immediate and powerful results from a seemingly simple process of listening to my sensations and using them to give my body what it wanted. (more…)

  • Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    When I was in fifth grade, the boy who shared the desk next to me said that I had a “roller coaster nose.”

    At that age when things were starting to sprout from places I didn’t know things could sprout, and everyone’s watching each other develop under the microscope of pre-pubescent angst, that little comment sent me into a 10-year-old tailspin.

    I would spend hours examining my nose from every angle in the mirror, only to affirm that indeed I’d been cursed with a roller coaster schnoz. I even stole clothespins from my mom’s sewing kit and would use them to pinch the lower spot of my nose in an attempt to get it even with the higher part.

    So how did I get over this ridiculousness and get onto loving all my parts? As a budding singer, I latched onto Barbra Streisand who refused to have rhinoplasty because it would ruin the sound of her voice.

    Years later, I would find inspiration in the ample-billed Jessica Simpson who once claimed her favorite body part was her crooked nose because it made her stand out from all the other blondes in showbiz. Cheesy, yes, but that is what got me on my road to healing that fifth grade wound.

    Over the years I’ve had to process the hating of many body parts—nose, thighs, butt, teeth, even my dang pinkie toe. Someone once dubbed it “The Beast.” Here are some of the steps that got me to love all the bumps, wrinkles, juicy and jiggly parts:

    1. Make a list of all the wonderful things each body part allows you do.

    My thighs have climbed the Great Wall and danced across stages all over the world. My nose has given me the most wonderful olfactory memories, like my grandmother’s cooking and the hardwood floors of my first grade classroom. My mouth has kissed, sang, grinned, and puckered. What wonderful things have your many parts done? (more…)

  • Healing Depression by Taking Care of Your Mind, Body, and Spirit

    Healing Depression by Taking Care of Your Mind, Body, and Spirit

    “Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.”~Unknown

    Prior to my twenty-second birthday I was spiraling down a self-destructive path, partying at all hours of the morning and drinking excessively to numb my pain. I was a rebel with a cause, as the lure of the nightlife kept me away from my dysfunctional home.

    I was searching for love and happiness in all of the wrong places, but the universe stopped me dead in my tracks, both literally and figuratively, when my brother committed suicide.

    Devastated by the loss of his presence in my life and the close bond we once shared, I felt utterly alone. I couldn’t fathom my life without my beloved brother. His death was not something I anticipated.

    I needed answers and some sort of explanation as to how a happy-go-lucky young man had changed into a moody and depressive person.

    In my grief-stricken state, I went to the public library and retrieved books on suicide and mental illness. I needed to categorize his disease. Was it bipolar, schizophrenia?

    Coincidently, I had a medical appointment with a general practitioner. I was a new patient and had never met this doctor before. But I immediately felt at ease with him, and though I went in for a physical reason, I left his office with a plan for self-healing.

    After a few sessions with the doctor, I learned about depression, dysfunction, abuse, and addiction. Initially I didn’t know what those terms had to do with me and my brother’s death.

    I was completely overwhelmed, and as I excavated my past, I plummeted even deeper in my darkness. I remained stuck in stage four of the grieving process—depression.

    My pain was so unbearable I even contemplated my own death. When the doctor offered antidepressants, I declined.

    I chose talk therapy as opposed to antidepressants, not because of any stigma, but because I envisioned myself in a vegetated state for the rest of my life.

    I already had family members in this predicament and I vowed that it was not going to me. So I was quite aware that I was genetically predisposed to manic or bipolar depression.

    After one year of dealing with my issues, I abandoned my own treatment. I was caught up in a whirlwind romance with my prince charming. We got married and built a life that my girlfriends dreamed of.

    Yet, I was still unhappy and, after a nine-year relationship, I found myself divorced, picking up the pieces of my life, and headed back to the doctor’s office.

    I was severely depressed and diagnosed with bipolar tendencies. Still, I stubbornly refused antidepressants. (more…)

  • 3 Ways to Trust Your Body and Trust Yourself

    3 Ways to Trust Your Body and Trust Yourself

    “Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    I trust that the body knows everything. It does. Absolutely.

    Did you ever just get a feeling—maybe something in your body that tells you something is wrong or just not right? Or maybe it gives you hints of unfailing happiness, joy, and earth shattering love?

    If we would stop giving so much power to the mind, the ego, and just sat still and tapped into our body’s wisdom, we’d experience a healing power so great that it could prevent or reverse illness, disease, hate, self-loathing, and perfectionism.

    I’ve learned to listen closely to my lovely friend, my body. In the past I judged her, forced away any pain she tried to show me, and even shunned self-love. I used to beat her up with negativity, judgment, and ridicule.

    I wish I could take back all that abuse. My body didn’t deserve all the mean words, hurtful thoughts, and even constant manipulation with unhealthy diets and exercise.

    You see, I had an eating disorder.

    It’s hard to talk about, but I’ve learned that it is just a part of me—it’s in my cells, and my body remembers.

    I respect this and am able to let go and speak of my experience. This has taken a long time, however, but each time I bring up the truth, my body gives me a gentle squeeze and trust is deepened.

    I’m not sure how my issues with food started, but I would bet it happened sometime in childhood.

    When I was eight years old, someone I loved dearly told me that I was fat. I remember I was wearing my yellow cowgirl dance outfit (as I had a recital that day) when it happened. I was crushed.

    I stopped eating.

    I can remember writing down each item of food in a journal. I only allowed five things a day, such as one piece of toast or one stick of bubblegum.

    Of course I was growing and I was constantly starving, therefore, I’d inevitably take a trip to McDonalds at the end of the day. I would feel defeated, then resentful of my body, telling her to listen and not eat so much. This went on for years. (more…)

  • Integrating Mind and Body: Be Present, Reduce Stress

    Integrating Mind and Body: Be Present, Reduce Stress


    “Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.” ~Astrid Alauda

    I don’t believe in the mind/body divide. I can see the gap between them, the one that we put there, but I have little faith in it. In the past month, I’ve learned that in order to live fully, I need to overcome that self-imposed gap.

    We all have different mental, emotional, and physical capacities. You could probably run a 5k race, but I’d struggle to even walk it. I know I can work through some of the most difficult decisions, like knowing when to end my pets’ suffering, but you might find that extremely hard to come to terms with.

    The thing that we have in common, though, is that we all work at different levels, and whether we choose to believe it or not, our minds and bodies sit together, with each of us.

    I took up yoga last month, and I love it. The benefits of getting out for an hour to relax are endless, and I’ve started taking the practice home with me to reap these benefits throughout my week.

    I’m headstrong, so I push myself a bit further than I should. Sometimes I go too far and I exhaust myself, or I stretch beyond what my body can manage and end up with extra painful muscles for days.

    What’s going on here? It’s that gap between my mind and body. (more…)

  • 5 Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Take Care of Your Body

    5 Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Take Care of Your Body

    Stretching

    “Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    Our bodies are not indestructible, and there is only so far we can push them before they start to fail. I should know.

    Roughly three years have passed since my body became unwell, for whatever reasons. Despite suffering from extreme exhaustion and constant joint and muscle pains, like those you get when you have the flu, I’ve only just started to listen.

    I guess the reason it’s taken me so long to do this is because I’m still holding onto the life I had before my usual activities began putting me in bed for days at a time. (I finished my degree at university and then went on to another part-time course for two years, while holding down two part-time jobs and running a student newspaper.)

    After a year, I swapped being an editor for being a teacher and took up my teaching qualification. Amidst all of that, I moved onto a wreck of a boat, was without a bedroom for around four months, suffered a bereavement, and struggled to skim the edges of a mental breakdown as my depression reached critical mass.

    My mental health has always been open to interpretation and discussion, but in my many years of happy insanity, my physical health has never suffered like it does now.

    I’ve spent nearly a year improving my mental health by changing my attitudes, being more mindful, and practicing compassion and happiness. These things are ongoing, but I’ve given very little time to my body in the process.

    When we’re stressed, we take time out to breathe and think happy thoughts, but what do we do for our bodies? Maybe we sometimes forget about that part. I know I do. So what can we do for our bodies alone when things are getting tough? (more…)