Tag: beliefs

3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A Relationship

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

Recently, I did something radical; I entered into a relationship with the intention of extending love. I consciously set the goal of peace.

It’s with the intention to experience more peace than ever before that the relationship began, and it’s with that same intention that we decided to end the relationship. In between it all, I felt deeply connected, heard, and loved.

What did I do differently this time that allowed me to experience a new level of peace and love? What about this relationship created the space for us to peacefully “break up”?

Unlike other relationships I had that seemed to pull me deeper into fear, this relationship accomplished the complete opposite—helped to release me from it.

Whatever I did differently with this one, I wanted to bottle it up! As I took some time to reflect, I realized that what I did differently comes in the form of three simple miracle-minded questions that I asked myself before I even entered the relationship.

The three questions below helped me step away from fearful relationships based on getting and filling my perceived voids and instead, helped me step into a loved-based relationship built on extending the love and completeness I found within myself first.

And what a difference this shift made in my experience!

The next time you find yourself getting ready to join with someone in a relationship (or even a friendship) ask yourself these questions first:

1. What is this relationship for?

In the past, I would just jump into relationships without any real intention set at the beginning. I wanted the attention and for someone to prove I was lovable. I wanted to get more than I wanted to extend. I was motivated by ego fears and desires to fill my perceived voids.

The way we move beyond these ego fears is by stopping and asking ourselves, “What is this relationship for?”

Without a clear goal set at the beginning, it’s easy to get lost and stuck in a fearful place. So with my last relationship, we decided that our goal would be peace, and that we wanted to help each other remember the truth about ourselves instead of getting lost in the illusions about ourselves. What is this relationship for? To extend peace.

And this makes all the difference. When you do find yourself in a disagreement, you can remember that your goal is peace and then act accordingly.

The value of setting a goal in advance is that it will pull you through the tough times. Without the goal, it’s easy to get caught up in the ego’s drive to be right or justified. Having a common goal in mind allows you to move forward together instead of working against each other. In my last relationship I found that a shared goal connected us and gave us something to focus on.

2. What limiting beliefs are blocking me from authentically connecting?

A lot of times when we don’t experience something we say we want, it’s because we have some underlying fear associated with getting it.

For example, if you say you want to experience a deeply loving relationship and it hasn’t shown up yet, it might be because deep down you’re scared of it. I know for me, I said I wanted to have a loving relationship, but when I got honest with myself, I realized I was actually scared of falling in love.

Somewhere along the line I decided that being in love would make me weak and vulnerable. When I went even deeper, I noticed that I had the belief that I wasn’t good enough yet to be loved. I didn’t think I was skinny enough, successful enough, or funny enough, and deep down I was scared that other people might find that out, too.

So what do you do when you realize you’re scared of what you want? What do you do with the belief that you’re not good enough? You simply become willing to move beyond the fears. Often times the awareness of our fearful patterns is enough for them to be released.

Sometimes I will even say to myself “I hear you fear, but I’m not going to let you determine my actions right now.” Instant personal power.

This opens the way for you to step beyond the limiting beliefs you carry about yourself. The truth is, you’re good enough right now in this very moment. There is nothing to prove. Become curious about your beliefs and behaviors. Invite them in, question them, and watch as they melt away.

3. Am I focusing on the content or the frame?

Fear-based relationships often start with a strong attraction to a body. I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely been sucked into relationships because the frame was lookin’ good. I paid no attention to the content, aka the mind.

But at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that you’re always getting in a relationship with a mind. If the content is not engaging and exciting, circle back to the first question: What is this for?

When we put all our focus on the content and not the frame, we simultaneously release our expectations and allow ourselves to experience peace and love in ways that we might not have thought possible. The frame will shift and change, but lasting fulfilling connection starts and ends with the content, not the labels and clothes we place around it.

Ultimately, within others you can either lose yourself or remember yourself, because from a spiritual perspective, everyone is a reflection of you. And with that idea, relationships become a miraculous teaching device.

You decide if you want fear or love based on the intention you set at the beginning. I’ve both lost myself and remembered myself in relationships, but I prefer the latter.

The three questions above are how you open the doorway for a love-based relationship to enter your life.

By setting the goal of peace, becoming willing to move past our beliefs of not being good enough, and focusing on the content, not the frame, we can experience a deep connection and trust, which is perhaps one of the most miraculous things you can share with another human being.

February 6, 2014
Burn Away Your Barriers to Love: 7 Ways to Live a Beautiful Life

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

My grandmother is nearing the end. She’s had a good life, a family, a loving husband, dancing and singing, growing things, running a business.

There are some skeletons in the closet though; her early life had some very heavy experiences that made her afraid and may have held her back. On balance, a great life, but there were challenges.

Right now, she’s slipped into a dream world and she is often still there when her eyes are open. There are lucid moments but her short-term memory is gone. She wakes and wonders who you are.

But if you don’t push her to be in your time zone, she is happy to have her hand held, to sing the old songs, to laugh, to tell you what’s what. Her personality hasn’t changed.

What she’s doing, we think, is sorting through the various stages of her life, coming to terms with the things that need to be understood with the heart. She seems to be burning away the old memories, the old feelings.

Maybe she’s also looking forward to joining my grandfather for a dance, as they always did. They met at a dance.

I don’t really know what it’s like for her but I see her returning to a kind of innocence, burning off the barriers to love. I see her life and all our lives as a gift of learning how to love.

This has me thinking: How can we remove the barriers to love now? How can we burn off what doesn’t serve and let the best of us shine through?

1. Practice forgiveness.

Let go of the poisons of resentment. Let them wash away in a cool mountain stream meditation. Simply say, I forgive NAME and I forgive myself. I send love to both of us.

2. Try to understand.

Play act being that other person. What could have made them do the things they did? Were they in pain themselves? Were they just naive and oblivious?

3. Change your beliefs.

The limitations and barriers to love (and to anything else we want in life) are really about the beliefs we hold. The past is gone; it’s only our beliefs that live on to affect our current life. What belief is stopping you feeling love? Is this belief really true? Could you believe otherwise?

4. Change your story.

Change the way you see it and tell it. What did you learn?

Your story might be: “I am lonely because I was treated harshly as a child and can’t trust others.” You could change this to: “My early life taught me to crave and seek healthy connections.”

If you lived in fear as a child, did it teach you courage? Your story could be: “Being afraid taught me to stand up for what I believe in.” Change your story if you need to. Your story about before runs your life now, and now is what really matters.

5. Create from the darkness.

Play with the raw materials of life. Creativity transforms experience. Write, draw, paint, sculpt, bake, cartoon, collage, or just laugh about the hard stuff with a good friend. Get it out.

In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, the heartbroken playwright (Diane Keaton) writes madly, alternately sobbing and laughing with delight as she “nails” a great comic scene. At some point, the terrible truth may become hilariously funny. Get creative.

6. Give love to feel love.

Love lives in my heart when I give it. Giving love makes us feel love. How do you best give love? What does your beloved like most? Do they love hugs, a talk, good food, flowers, car movies? Feel love in the act of giving. You may not have to actually watch the car movies.

7. Appreciate this miraculous life.

List your gratitude. List your small and simple pleasures. Indulge in them. For all the dark and light, life is a beautiful gift.

I want to talk about that last point. Often, someone nearing the end is reluctant to let go of this life. I get that feeling watching my grandmother now. Whatever life has held, we want more of it, even when it’s time to say goodbye.

Years ago, I saw an achingly beautiful contemporary dance performance called Fallen Angels. In the last moment, the stage filled with a thin layer of water. All but one had climbed to heaven. One dancer was left flipping and struggling like a fish in shallow water, holding on desperately to a difficult and beautiful life.

In that scene, letting go of life was so hard. Despite all the mess and confusion, the pain and heartbreak, this last dancer did not want to leave, even for heaven.

For all its contrasts, life is beautiful. At the end of our lives, I think we may want to hold on to all of it, the good and the bad. I have a feeling our souls wouldn’t change a thing.

Let’s embrace the beauty as much as possible right now and burn off the barriers to love. We can only do our best, learning to love as we go, living and loving all of it.

Photo by Jenny Starley

January 23, 2014
Get Unstuck: Stop Believing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

We’ve all done it, right? Somehow, somewhere, something bad happened to us and since that moment we’ve continued to tell ourselves the story about what might and could go wrong in our future.

For me, the biggest negative pattern I’ve had to release stems from my parents’ divorce. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a positive person. When I was a kid I was happy-go-lucky, nothing much bothered me, and life was pretty awesome.

Also, being an only child I was always close with my parents. The thought that they wouldn’t be together was something that never entered my mind.

Then they split up when I was 18 and things began to change. I made different choices and I also began to believe that all romantic relationships were doomed.

A few years later, just after I had split up with my long-term partner, I was in LA spending a lovely afternoon watching US daytime TV. Nothing much was on, but every channel I flicked to seemed to mention the word “marriage” or “divorce.”

I also happened to be reading Wayne Dyer’s Your Sacred Self at the time, and suddenly it all made sense:

I had been telling myself stories like “Marriages never last forever” and “All relationships are doomed,” and in essence I was creating my reality.

I finally realized that my beliefs about relationships had been causing me to attract those exact experiences.

I was giving these negative stories power and acting on them. I was skeptical that I would be able to have a successful and happy relationship, which caused me to see everything that could go wrong. I ultimately initiated our break-up because I believed that it was inevitable.

The very experiences we fear keep repeating themselves if we continue to focus on them and give them power. We’ve got to become aware and first change ourselves if we want our reality to change.

Now that I’m a few years on from that, I have replaced my negative relationship beliefs with new, positive thought patterns.

Now, I believe my current relationship is a lifetime partnership and as a result, I act in a way that manifests that type of relationship without worry and doubt. I take responsibility for my part of the relationship, and because I have positive thinking patterns I bring my best self to the table. This allows me and my partner to have confidence and faith as we plan our lives together.

Our experiences reflect our beliefs, so it benefits us to make them positive.

Here are a few questions to help you get to the root of your negative beliefs so you can make changes in your life:

1. What are the negative stories you’ve been telling yourself?

Is there an area in your life where you seem to struggle? Which experiences trigger negative thoughts?

It’s time to narrow in on the beliefs that are keeping you from living the life that you want.

2. Where do those negative beliefs come from?

What happened in your past? Did someone in a position of authority make a negative comment about you that you’ve held on to?

Just know that you can’t change what has happened or what someone said to you or about you. But you do have the power to decide not to allow those experiences to control your life in this moment.

3. Why are you holding on to those negative beliefs?

Which needs are you fulfilling by holding on to these beliefs? For example, are you getting attention by playing the victim?

By not letting go of negative beliefs, we keep ourselves trapped in a vicious cycle, repeating the same pattern over and over again. Life will continue to give us lessons until we learn, grow, and move past it.

We need to make a change within ourselves to move forward and break through to a new reality.

4. What does your future look like if you let go of these beliefs?

Close your eyes and imagine your future if you didn’t have these thoughts. Notice all the amazing things that you close yourself off from just by holding on to your negative beliefs.

What can you do in this moment to move toward that future?

Holding on to past experiences and old beliefs gives you an excuse to continue to repeat the same behavior. It justifies negative thought patterns and keeps you in that loop.

It’s time to break the pattern and realize you have the power to shape your reality!

Photo by Hanna Irblinger fotografie

September 30, 2013
8 Limiting Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck (and How to Overcome Them)
“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

For almost three years, I’d been living out of a suitcase, relocating every three to six months. To some people, this lifestyle sounds adventurous and exciting. But anyone who’s ever lived like this understands how exhausting and scary it can be: I felt unsettled in my career, unhappy in my relationships, and completely alone in the world.

While I knew I was unhappy and that I wanted to make a change, the truth is that I felt completely stuck in the lifestyle I’d chosen for myself. When I brainstormed about what was preventing me from taking action, this is the list I came up with:
- I lack motivation.
- I procrastinate too much.
- I don’t have time.
- I don’t have enough resources.
- It’s too late to change.
- I have too many responsibilities.
- I have no clue who I am.
- I have no clue where to start.
It was then that I realized the only thing preventing me from making a change was a long list of limiting beliefs.

So let’s explore how these eight limiting beliefs keep you (and me!) stuck:

1. I lack motivation.

Do you really, or are you burned out? This type of burnout usually indicates that you are in an environment that leaves you feeling drained and unsupported. When this happens, you may even start to call yourself “lazy.”

In my case, it took so much energy to get through the day and to figure out where I was going next that the thought of making changes was exhausting.

Examine your external environment: What situations and people are draining you? Do you feel supported? Do you really lack motivation, or are you just burned out?

2. I procrastinate too much.

Procrastination is a symptom, much like a fever, stomachache, or headache, and it usually boils down to one thing: fear.

For me, it was the fear of stepping away from the freedom I thought I had in a lifestyle with minimal attachments. It was also the fear of failing, of not having all the answers, and of making the wrong decision.

What is your procrastination a symptom of? What are you afraid of?

3. I don’t have time.

A quote by Lao Tzu says, “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’” Perhaps the real issue is that you don’t really want to change.

There was certainly a part of me that didn’t want to change; there is something very freeing about having so little stuff. I also liked traveling and seeing the world. But once I clarified what I did and didn’t like about my situation, I was clearer about why I’d actually take the time to make changes.

What parts of your current situation do you like, and how are they affecting your desire to move forward?

4. I don’t have enough resources.

Focusing on external resources, like money, credentials, and skills, is another tactic we use to give ourselves permission to remain stuck. But lasting change starts internally, with things like energy, willpower, clarity, and passion; and as your internal resources start to grow, your external resources will naturally start to grow as well.

At the time, all of my internal resources were completely depleted, and as a result, I wasn’t using my external resources effectively or efficiently. As I watched my external resources slowly drain, I became more internally drained. So it became a vicious cycle.

What in your external environment leaves your internal environment feeling uninspired, unsupported, and lifeless? Are you using your external resources effectively?

5. It’s too late to change.

Focusing on some arbitrary time and date by which you’re supposed to have accomplished X, Y, and Z means neglecting to enjoy the amazing journey unfolding right in front of your eyes. After all, who created this timeline by which you’re supposed to live your life anyway?

In my situation, seeing friends getting married, having children, and buying homes left me feeling more and more trapped by my current situation. Eventually I realized that the real frustration was that I was spinning my wheels in directions that didn’t even make sense. I didn’t want what my friends had, but I didn’t want what I had either, so I felt like I was just wasting time.

Do you hold yourself to an arbitrary timeline by which you’re supposed to have accomplished X, Y, and Z? Do you compare yourself to others? What do you really want to change in your life, and what baby steps can you take in that direction?

6. I have too many responsibilities.

If you feel like you have so many responsibilities that you can’t manage to carve out time to start changing your life, then chances are your “responsibilities” have become an excuse for not taking care of yourself.

At the time, I was taking on way too much emotional responsibility for the people around me, and it was leaving me feeling empty and lost. I was neglecting my own needs, and I was neglecting to take responsibility for my own life.

Who and what are consuming your time and energy? Are these people and situations really your responsibility? How can you start to take responsibility for your own life?

7. I have no clue who I am.

If you feel like you don’t know who you are, then chances are you’ve been neglecting yourself for a very long time.

When I finally stopped long enough to ask myself why I felt stuck, I quickly realized I’d never taken the time to really figure out who I am or what I wanted in life; instead, I was just bouncing from thing to thing, hoping something would stick.

What do you want in life? Where do you want to see yourself in 6 months? A year? What are your values and goals?

8. I have no clue where to start.

Depending on how you chose to look at it, not knowing where to start can either be liberating or completely overwhelming. But it’s usually just an excuse. If there is no clear place to start, then there is no wrong place to start!

I developed a daily practice and started spending time alone each day exploring and rediscovering who I am. I tried new things until I uncovered what I wanted, and from this awareness I created an action plan for change.

Start somewhere—anywhere. Will you commit to spending time alone, each and every day, to explore these limiting beliefs? Because when it comes to making changes in your life, all you need to do is “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”
July 23, 2013
Speaking Your Mind Without Being Hurtful

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

Many of us allow other people’s opinions to dictate what we believe, value, or perceive. It’s not always easy to stand up for our beliefs and opinions when others, particularly those we care about, constantly bombard us with their views.

You might be thinking, “No, not me! This never happens to me. I’m strong in voicing my beliefs.”

At one point or another, we all conform our opinions, either to avoid confrontation or judgment or because we’re losing faith in what we feel is right.

Ask yourself, “Do I often justify what I believe after engaging in conversations with others? Am I continuously second guessing myself?” If so, you may be losing yourself.

I used to be someone who always avoided conflict with others at all costs. Needless to say, I was passive by nature, and I shied away from standing up for my beliefs.

I would avoid and distance myself from any means of voicing my opinions. In turn, I became submissive and engaged in both romantic and platonic relationships with people who were more dominating in demeanor.

While I lacked the willpower to express my own ideas, I found myself in a state of annoyance and frustration from allowing others to indirectly control my life. Feeling helpless and unaware of who I really was took a toll on my mental well-being.

I longed for the ability to express my thoughts and opinions freely. I craved the feeling of acceptance by others, without judgments being passed.

I deeply admired and looked up to my sister as a role model, one who possessed the internal strength to be truthful to herself and others, regardless of the consequences.

Sometimes my sister would discuss her issues with her friends and seek my advice, perhaps to validate if she was doing the right thing. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if she was coming on too strong and pushing others away because of her honest and strong-minded nature.

She’d often find herself in situations where she would lose friends. Perhaps her honest opinions were too much to handle.

When she would come to me in full-blown tears, asking me, “Why do my friends keep leaving? Why don’t they understand that I am just trying to help them?” I would respond to her by saying, “They don’t want to hear the truth from you, because sometimes the truth hurts.”

Friends who resent one’s openness and honesty are usually, in turn, not worthy of the friendship.

Looking back at the way I used to be led me to a conclusion. It’s not what you say to others; it’s the manner in which you say it that truly matters.

I finally realized that, although my sister and I had opposing approaches of maintaining our relationships, neither of us was necessarily wrong in the way we went about constructing them.

We often want to give genuine advice or opinions. However, we also need to understand that it’s not always easy to accept the truth. We need to find the balance and set limitations in order to maintain positive relationships.

While I had no problem in maintaining mine, I often felt repressed in terms of being expressive. In contrast, my sister’s strong-minded character eventually caused her relationships to slowly dissipate.

Over the years, I have learned that using appropriate language, word choices, and tone is the key to flourishing relationships.

Speaking constructively and delivering tactful criticism eliminates the chance to pass biases. This also creates a healthy environment and opportunity to grow.

As I’ve matured, I’ve recognized that my opinions actually matter and have the right to be heard. Having said this, I have learned that it is more effective to give an opinion or advice when it is sought.

When I engage in conversations, I always try my best to think before I speak. Then, I contemplate, “Is it worth saying? How will what I say make a difference to this person?”

If I proceed to give my opinion, I then decide, “How can I say this in such as way that it comes across as genuine, yet constructive?”

By nature, we all have the tendency to overreact; it’s important to choose our battles wisely and release the negative energy that surrounds us.

Be real; tell the truth using kind and heartfelt words. Respect will follow.

Even though telling the truth may be difficult for many people, it’s the approach that we take that allows us to earn the respect of others.

Often enough, people are so preoccupied with verbally offending others that we end up feeling as though we need to “walk on egg shells.” We may also end up saying something we didn’t originally intend.

When I was one of those people who worried about what others thought, I allowed my life to be dictated and controlled by someone else’s agenda.

I always felt obligated to adopt the views of my partners and friends, in fear of disappointing and upsetting them. I struggled to find the courage and willpower to rid myself of this imprisonment, in search of a voice, love, and passion.

Through some of my ongoing romantic relationships with over-bearing, possessive men, I have come to terms with the fact that telling the truth will not always yield a positive or expected outcome.

Still, I think that it is most important to be true to yourself. You need to be happy first before you can make others happy, and that means not self-sacrificing for unappreciative, non-reciprocating individuals.

Speaking up for what we believe and sharing our opinions can be helpful and beneficial—when it’s appropriate, kind, constructive, and consistent.

Photo by Seniju

May 5, 2013
How Your Mind Sabotages Your Life and How to Stop It
“What we see is mainly what we look for.” ~Anonymous

A few weeks ago, my aunt was visiting for a family holiday. I hadn’t seen her in a few years so we were catching up, talking about life, and talking about the projects we were each working on.

“So I’m still working on my PhD dissertation,” she said. “It’s really exhausting, you know, having five kids and doing my PhD all while working. It’s just exhausting.”

“And the problem is that these professors are constantly approving or denying my thesis subjects, so I’ll begin to research it and then they tell me I need to switch. It’s like all these people are against me.”

“We’ve also got some debt from our last house that I lost in the divorce and I’m still trying to manage that while….”

She went on for about 15 minutes, without me even being able to say a word, until her husband finally came in and said:

“Karen, stop gettin’ in your own way, will ya? The way you talk is enough to give a sane person a nervous breakdown.”

And that’s when it clicked.

The Secret Enemy Sabotaging Our Lives

Have you ever gone into a job interview and then couldn’t stop replaying the mental image of yourself messing up? (Like telling yourself, “There are tons of more qualified candidates. I don’t know how they’ll find me….”)

Have you ever changed how you treated someone based on what they looked like, before you even knew them? (Like a random salesman coming up to your door?)

Have you ever gotten upset at your spouse over something that, as it turns out, was entirely in your head? (Like blaming her/him for a mess, when it turns out it was the kids?)

If you’ve done one of these things, then you may be falling prey to this secret enemy called your mind.

Why Happiness, Contentment, and Even Success Originate in Our Mind

I’ve learned there’s one thing that holds us back from doing as well as we want: our mind.

When we’re not doing as well as we want, it’s usually because of made-up dramas that happen in our mind all day long.

Like the belief that we can’t be successful and happy.

Or the belief that it takes a lot of money to start a business.

Or the belief that all successful people are highly intelligent prodigies.

Guess what! None of these are facts. They are merely beliefs that hold us back.

Remember my aunt who thought that the whole world was conspiring against her? It took her own husband saying, “Stop getting in your own way!” for her to even remotely realize it wasn’t a “fact,” but merely her own thoughts affecting her behavior.

So what do you do when your mind is getting in your own way?

Whether it’s messing with your relationship, how you view your job, or just preventing you from being happy, there is one key practice you can do.

Ask yourself: Is this really true?

Try to be a little scientist, and ask yourself “Is this really true?” Do it 100 times a day. Try to find experiences or people that contradict this idea in your head. I’ll show you how.

Example #1: The whole world is against me, I can’t find a job, nothing ever works out, and people are untrustworthy.

When I graduated from college, it was during one of the worst times to go looking for a job.

I talked to many people about it, and I usually ended up saying something like this:

Assumption: “The economy is just so bad. All of the jobs are taken and it’s going to be very difficult for me to find any job (let alone a good one). My college degree means nothing, and I’m going to have to work in Starbucks to pay for my bills. The last two job interviews went horribly. Nothing ever works out for me.”

The Question: Is this really true? What would an observer see?
1. Yes, there are fewer open jobs, based on statistics.
2. A college degree is useful, but there are many other competitors with college degrees too.
3. Yes, the past two job interviews didn’t lead to a job.
But I chose to blame the economy instead of figuring out a novel way to find a job (like through personal connections or learning a brand new skill).

I chose to believe that a college degree is the only way to be competitive in a tough job market.

I chose to believe that life had a personal vendetta against me, when in reality, the only objective fact was that I didn’t get the last two jobs I’d interviewed for.

All of these assumptions were poisoning my mind and creating a filter through which I viewed the world.

And all of these things prevented me from doing the only thing that mattered: seeing reality for what it was and taking the next step forward.

Example #2: “In order to get fit, I’ve heard you have to work out two hours a day and just eat lettuce. I could never do that.”

My dad, a guy who is in his late 50s who loves watching MMA (mixed martial arts), figured he should start taking better care of his health. Unfortunately, he had a lot of emotional and mental baggage:

Assumption: “In order to get fit you need to work out two or more hours a day like these MMA guys and just eat super clean. You need iron willpower to never eat sweets and maintain that kind of workout plan. I could never do that. You’ve really got to be in the peak of your life.”

The Question: Is this really true?

The easiest way to find the objective truth for this would be to ask someone who did it.

Fortunately a family friend who is a doctor recently had a success story to compare to:
1. Do you need to workout two hours a day? “I only worked out forty-five minutes, four times a week.”
2. Do you need to eat only lettuce? “Actually, I ate plenty of meat, veggies, nuts, and fruits (and wine!), and was rarely hungry.”
3. Do you need to restrict all the foods you enjoy? “I had one cheat day: it turned out to be Saturdays when I had free-reign on tiramisu and red wine.”
So how do you think my dad’s behavior changed when he learned that his former “belief” was not a fact?

He felt liberated. He felt in control. He felt like he had the reigns in his own life. It’s incredibly empowering.

When he learned that maybe it’s a little more realistic than he thought, that dramatically improved the chances that he’d change his behavior for the better.

What does this mean for you?

Many of us today don’t feel in control of our lives and feel like there is a game being played around us.

But what we don’t realize is that it is our mind skewing reality—and the moment we learn to control our mind, we have more control over our reality.

Next time you get into an argument with someone, ask yourself: Is my mind controlling my reality?

You’ll suddenly wake up with this incredible realization that you are much more capable and in control than you think.

Photo by herecomestherooster
May 1, 2013
Why You Aren’t Living Your Dreams and What to Do About It

“Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

Screech!

The car engine’s loud revving got quiet. The tires came to a screeching halt.

This towering, slender, intimidating man, with a beard like the skin of a shaved porcupine, shut the driver side door behind him and approached me with thunder.

“Is this what you’re doing?!” he demanded. “On the corner—with a girl?”

It wasn’t her fault, but his expression almost made me turn around and look at her with utter disgust.

Instead, I was too busy quieting the butterflies in my stomach, looking up everywhere into his chiseled face except his eyes. His head blocked the sun like a solar eclipse on that urban street while his eyes burned a hole in my forehead.

“You’re going to throw away the championship for this.”

Never explicitly saying out loud what I did wrong, as he put me to shame, it made the unspoken truth stab my heart like a dagger, over and over, especially because I had deep admiration for this man.

As he walked away from the sidewalk concrete and drove off, I caught a glimpse of his long hairy calves in my peripheral vision and stared into the black pavement in deep contemplation.

Yanking my arm away from the hot girl next to me, like an annoyed child from an overprotective parent, I walked up the block and took the bus home.

I was sixteen when my tennis coach, this amazing man, taught me my first lesson in what it really meant to walk away from a grand vision you have in life, and the price you pay on your personal growth when doing so.

My sin: I had stopped showing up for tennis practice with two weeks left to a championship game that depended on my performance.

But why did I do that? And why do so many of us fail to do the things we want to do, resort to our old ways, and ignore our glorious vision in life?

Luck

A study by Janssen and Carton demonstrated how what scientists call the “locus of control” affects how timely we do things.

No, locus of control isn’t that awesome pose at yoga class! It’s our perspective on what’s really responsible for the outcome of things.

Do we take personal responsibility for things that happen in our lives and have an inner locus of control? Or, do we blame it all on luck and circumstance, otherwise known as having an external locus of control?

They gave forty-two students a homework assignment and found that students who had an inner locus of control started and returned assignments sooner, while those with an external locus of control started and returned assignments later.

We procrastinate more when we blame luck and circumstance for the results we get and avoid taking personal responsibility for what we want to achieve.

That’s what I did.

I hung out with my new girlfriend instead of going to practice so that I could retrospectively blame her in the event that I lost the championship. I have a girlfriend now, and she’s taking up my time. That’s why I’ll lose. It’s not because I didn’t take full personal responsibility. It’s her fault.

My tennis coach was trying to teach me the locus of control at the time, when the locus of other “things” controlled me more.

Fear and Limiting Beliefs

Research suggests a variety of reasons on why we fail to do things we want to do, but two stand out.

1. Fear of the unknown.

We can’t predict the outcome and the consequences it will have on our self-esteem. We do what we usually do to prevent our self-esteem from getting damaged.

2. The belief that we’ll perform better at a later date when we’re “more prepared,” which will likely never come.

This causes us to engage in indecision—on purpose, to validate our stalling.

In my case, I dated a new girl and stopped practicing to avoid feeling bad in the event that I lost the championship. I knew that I would win the girl, but wasn’t sure about the game, so I focused on the easy win.

Our human tendency to want to be right, certain, and safe can overshadow doing the hard work, breaking bad habits, and getting something we desperately want.

Old Conditioning

On Psychology Today, Ray Williams suggests that the brain is protective over its current habitual patterns. Achieving something new will require new behavior, and the brain will try to resist new patterns to protect its old conditioning.

The brain is also wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain and fear.

“When fear of failure creeps into the mind… it commences a de-motivator with a desire to return to known, comfortable behavior and thought patterns,” he writes.

Before you set out on a journey to achieve something, you must pay attention to the triggers that will happen in your mind, because your mind could derail you.

The most important factor in overcoming your mind’s tendency to keep you in your comfort zone is awareness.

The more aware you are of how your brain is conditioned and the lifestyle it’s trying to protect, the better equipped you’ll be to take action.

When my brain tries to make me curl back to comfort, I whisper to it, “Stop it! We must do this! Think about what we could gain in the long run.”

Awareness

While many “gurus” might tell people to wake up earlier, set priorities, and plan better in order to work toward their dreams, these tactics alone do not always help.

Why? Because it’s our mental conditioning that’s holding us back, and that’s what we need to change. It’s our fear of the future, and often, our lack of personal responsibility that keeps us from taking action, not the failure to create to-do lists and wake up at a specified time.

Keep a vigilant watch at how your mind will try to take you back to your old ways. This is the only way to change your conditioning.

Changing your mind and spirit first, letting go of fear of outcomes, and challenging your old conditioning may revolutionize the way you live so that you own up to what you want to do—and then do it.

April 24, 2013
When Your Beliefs Hold You Back: Release Them to Avoid Regret
“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~lan Watts

Do you hear voices?

Even when you are alone, there is usually someone talking to you. And you hear them loud and clear.

Everyone has an internal dialogue going through their heads for a large part of the day. Just because you hear these “voices” it doesn’t mean you are crazy.

On the other hand, these voices can make you believe some crazy things.

Most of what these voices tell you is negative. And when you hear these negative things often enough, you come to believe them.

The worst part is that these voices speak to you in the first person, making you imagine that it’s actually your words:
- “I’ll never be able to lose weight. I just have a slow metabolism.”
- “Old/Bald/Fat people like me never find fulfilling relationships.”
- “I’m not the kind of person who can start my own business—people like me just get a ‘comfortable’ job.”
Underlying each of these statements are assumptions that restrain your behavior, or limiting beliefs. See if you can spot some.

For a long time, I thought I had to become a professional, like a doctor, lawyer, or accountant.

Since I was good at math, I decided to become an actuary. I was fairly content with this decision for a while.

But despite enjoying my 10-week internship, I felt like I couldn’t handle 40+ straight years of corporate work.

In my mind, however, it would have been a waste of my intelligence to do anything else that I wanted to do, such as writing. Plus, I craved the ego boost that comes from other people seeing me as intelligent.

So I applied for more actuarial jobs. And I got rejected from all of them.

While it certainly did hurt to get rejected, it forced me to choose another path for myself. (more…)
March 18, 2013
Develop Self-Confidence: 7 Lies You Need to Stop Telling Yourself

“Be honest with yourself, and you will find the motivation to do what you advise others to do.” ~Vince Poscente

What if you could only tell—and more importantly, only believe—the truth? Not the half-truth, the white lies, or the other grey in between, but the pure, beautiful, and unadulterated truth.

If I had to pick one super power, it would be to know the liars from the truth-tellers. I would walk around in public places, eavesdrop on conversations, and know immediately if someone is lying or being honest.

I would go to social events and exercise my super power by posing my burning questions to friends and strangers alike. I would sit in the courtrooms of the world, and know instantly if the victim is lying or telling the truth. How fascinating, how disconcerting, how shocking it would all be!

Most of all, though, I would use my super power to listen to the voices that I hear in my own head, from the loud inner critic, the large ego full of opinions, and the years of social conditioning and upbringing; and I would be able to tell, without a shadow of a doubt, the lies from the truths. Oh yes!

I grew up in Tehran, and witnessed not only the horrible 1979 Iranian revolution but also the terrible war that ensued between Iran and Iraq. Even though I was very small, I remember the horror, the bombings, the sirens, and the oppression.

Mostly, I remember the way our teachers would brainwash our small little minds and fill it with the new regime’s lies. I remember that our families needed to play it safe while still helping us draw some faint distinction between those lies and the truth.

I moved to America when I was 15 years old, and today, even though I know the difference between a lie and the beautiful truth, some days the inner critic returns and insists on the lie.

But I don’t think I am alone. We tell ourselves lies, half-truths, and anything but the pure truth every day.

We are paying for them, you know? They create new doubts in our mind and new fears out of thin air. (more…)

July 26, 2012
Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Life

“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” ~Proverb

As I start a new day, grateful that I am pain-free, healthy, and strong, I reflect on the true meaning of health and how I ended up in this wonderful place.

An outsider looking in might say I worked hard in the gym and spent thousands of dollars on treatments and services.

I would simply say that I believed and continue to believe—and that is all.

Four years ago, I was defeated by a diagnosis called Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction. What this means is that abnormalities in the joint which connect the spine to the pelvis were causing pain.

This was the Webster’s definition I needed to describe why I had been suffering for years with low back, hip, and leg pain that prevented me from living—truly living.

When the doctors told me there was no cure, it was the excuse I needed to stay trapped in depression and pain.

As a stay-at-home mom of two young children, I spent my small amount of free time feeling sorry for myself and taking a variety of pills to cope. I rang in each New Year with a new doctor, physical therapist, and plan that failed before it started.

Sadly, by the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, the hope I placed in others to fix me quickly dimmed to sarcasm and disappointment. The reality was I was getting worse and more depressed with each failed attempt.

It was not until I understood that my focus needed to change that I was able to make the strides I needed to get better.

You see, I was the perfect mom. I felt that my worth came from doing everything for everybody else, in spite of my physical condition. I was a volunteer addict and a perfectionist when it came to everything except me. (more…)

July 19, 2012
How Our Beliefs and Expectations Hold Us Back and How to Let Them Go

“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

Just because you’ve believed something is true, even if you’ve believed it for a long period of time, that doesn’t mean that it is actually true or that it has to be true for the future.

For a long time I believed that my body was broken. I believed that I could never be super lean and ripped even though I really wanted to be. I also believed I had irreversible digestive issues that seemed to be getting worse and worse.

I spent a lot of time searching for answers because I believed that somebody out there somewhere had to have the cure to fix me.

Somebody had to know how to help me finally lose weight and gain the body of my dreams, the happiness I longed for, and the approval I so much needed but would never admit.

I bounced from one diet or self-help book to the next, reading one magazine after the other, Googling one “how to fix {insert ailment}” search topic after another, hunting for the key.

But then somewhere along the way I realized I didn’t want to do that anymore. I was tired of feeling broken, helpless, and sad. I started to question why I kept doing what I was doing.

It started to seem really silly to me because I wasn’t actually finding any of the answers I was seeking. In fact, I seemed to be just getting more confused than ever. I stopped searching for how to fix myself and instead began searching for the answer to a different question:

Why do I feel so broken?

Shifting my question led me on a whole new adventure where I finally recognized I wasn’t broken at all; in fact, my body had the ability to regain its balance on its own, which it did. The problem wasn’t my body, it was my beliefs—my limiting, disempowering beliefs. (more…)

February 1, 2012
Renovate Your Life: 5 Key Truths About Creating Change

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

We are currently in the midst of home improvement—what we thought would be a small “touch-up.” Nothing seemed too threatening on the surface, just a scratch here, a nick there. It would be a simple fix.

But when we began the project and uncovered the areas we were going to address, we saw there was much more than met the eye, as often happens in life. We could no longer ignore what we had sealed over and painted, covered with lovely flowers, and ignored for many years.

Isn’t it funny how often plumbing is a perfect analogy for life? Opening what seemed to be a simple clog revealed 45-year-old crumbling pipes, made from materials long obsolete. All of the unseen clogging and rusting seemed symbolic of the hidden parts deep inside myself.

When I acknowledged a simple issue—my fear of change—it revealed old beliefs that no longer serve me. Beliefs that were behaving just like our pipes by creating major blocks. Beliefs that I had covered so well with personal landscaping that no one (including me) saw them.

The most amazing thing was sharing this with a plumber who really got it and shared my insights.

Who knew—enlightenment through our sewer drains!

So as the project moves on, I want to share five of the truths about home and self improvement that I have discovered thus far: (more…)

June 21, 2011
5 Ways to Let Go of Resistance

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recently I was on a phone call with Brad Yates. Although I know this to be true, when he said it, it made me reflect again. He said (and I’m paraphrasing):

“To the extent that we are not living our lives exactly as we want—with the love and friendships we want, the abundance we want, and the happiness we are seeking—it’s to that extent we are resisting it.”

It’s that word again: resistance. What does it mean? What do we do about it?

Essentially, resistance is any thought, belief, or behavior, either conscious or unconscious, that stands contrary to our desire. On the surface, we can be doing positive affirmations, creative visualizations, and imagining our success. But in the end, we get what we expect. Every single time.

Sometimes it can be as simple as not believing that you can have what you want. That way of thinking places limitations on what is possible for you. You are restricting what could be with what you think will be. And you end up getting what you expect.

Your consciousness is a powerful tool. If you don’t believe you can have the thing you desire, it shows up as resistance, despite all the things you are doing to achieve your goals.

Okay, so, what to do about it?

Live in the possibility rather than the probability. (more…)

December 27, 2009