Tag: beautiful

The Secret to Eternal Youth: How to Feel Excited About Life Again

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ” ~Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart

I am forty-nine years old, and I’ve never felt so young in my life. Many people my age feel old. Many people younger than I am feel old, while many people who are older than I am still feel young.

What makes someone feel young? I can assure you it has nothing to do with how many wrinkles you have. It is something much deeper than that and yet something very simple.

Most of us get serious about life around the time we are thirty. We devote ourselves to building our career, building our family, or both. From young people who care mostly about having fun, we become responsible adults. We need to prove ourselves, to make money, to buy a house, and to secure our future.

“Along the way, I forgot to get excited about things. Everything became a project, something I had to deal with,” a friend told me when I asked her if she was thrilled about buying a new house.

When we build our home, our career, our family, and our reputation, there is a part of us that we leave behind. When we enter the world of mortgages, insurance, and pension funds, fun goes out the window. And when that happens, we lose our fire.

Fire is fun; it’s freedom, it’s joy. Fire is courage and boldness. Fire is passion and excitement. Fire is being spontaneous, taking risks, and saying your truth. Fire is exercising and moving energy.

Fire is fighting for what you believe in. Fire is believing in yourself, believing in life, believing that you deserve to fulfill your wildest dreams. Fire is having wild dreams. Fire is learning new things and teaching them to others. It’s being inspired and inspiring.

So often we are overwhelmed with life’s demands, and we forget to have fun; we forget to keep our fire alive, and we lose our mojo. Some of us got burnt by our fire when we were younger. Fun led to addictions and other destructive behaviors. We have learned to fear our fire and avoid it at all costs.

During a few wild years when I lived in New York City, a friend once said to me, “In our twenties we have to do crazy things so that we have something to talk about in our thirties.”

This is how we live, feeling that from this point onward, life is going downhill toward decay. We feel like our prime years were left behind. We try to reduce the signs of aging to feel better when we look in the mirror or at pictures of ourselves. But no matter what we do, we won’t look like we did in our twenties.

About three years ago, I started feeling old. I’d always looked younger than my age, but I lost in the Botox race, as I did not do any. I lost my passion; I lost my desire to have fun and enjoy myself; everything was very serious.

I hated looking at my pictures. All I saw was the lack of charm and beauty that I once possessed. I tried to convince myself that these were external, irrelevant, and unimportant concerns, but they were not; they reflected something deep that was going on in my life.

Don’t get me wrong. During this time, I was already working at something I loved with all my heart. I loved mothering my son more than anything in the world. I loved my husband and was very grateful for our marriage. But except for my work and my family role, I didn’t care about anything. There was absolutely no time or ability to enjoy life.

Then things got even worse. I got sick and was forced to constantly deal with my health and nutrition. My diet became more limited than it ever was; I could not enjoy food anymore. I thought I was going to die. I was already older than my mother when she passed away at the age of forty-four, and it just made sense that I would follow in her footsteps to heaven.

But I was also lucky. I was lucky because there was something inside of me that was stronger than all of this. An inner voice told me that I was still alive and that I should not take it for granted. Every day I got to live was a gift. What was I going to do with this?

Was I going to look back and cry for not being as beautiful as I once was? Or was I going to look forward and make my life the way I wanted it to be? I realized that it was all up to me. I could continue sinking down into my dietary limitations, my homework struggles, and my aging looks, or I could ignite my fire.

I decided that it was time to make a big move, from Israel to the US, where I’ve always wanted to live. In order to be fully alive, I had to throw myself out of the nest.

Even though my husband had no desire to make this move, I knew it was a matter of life and death for me and that I had to take the lead. It was my truth, and it required taking a huge risk.

During the pandemic we could not even make a preliminary visit, nor could we know for sure if our son would be accepted to school, but we had to take our chances.

Once we settled in Asheville, NC, I bought new colorful clothes. After years of wearing black bamboo jumpsuits, I added some flair to my wardrobe.

I took some courses with great teachers who inspired me. I got back to practicing yoga and became a part of the local yoga community. I got back to listening to music that made me want to dance.

I started writing and publishing my work. I started telling my truth more often. I had some big talks with important people in my life. I said some things I’d never dared say before. What did I have to lose? What does anyone have to lose?

That’s the beauty of being older. You are wiser, more experienced, you know yourself, and you understand life better than ever before. You are mature enough to deal with your fire in a healthy way.

You already know that there is no point in pretending or hiding. You can live your truth, you can be who you really are, and you can work toward the fulfillment of your dreams. And it’s rejuvenating, so rejuvenating, despite the wrinkles and the fact that your body is no longer in its prime.

You can live like you’ve died and come back to life. What will you do differently? Do it. Do it today. Don’t wait.

If your life does not excite you, make it exciting. If life is not fun, make it fun. Obviously, you can’t control everything. The human experience is not always fun, but no matter what your circumstances are, you can always make things better for yourself, even if it’s just a change of attitude.

People, especially those on the spiritual path, dismiss fun, and I am the first one to admit that I do this. There are always more important things to do. It’s so hard to find time to mother, to be a partner, to work, to cook, to write, to meditate, to practice. Alcohol is bad, drugs are bad, and sugar is bad. All the things you used to have fun with in your twenties are bad.

For years I prepared all of my family’s meals. When you eat out, the food does not have your loving energy and is not made with the same organic, local, and fresh ingredients. This is all true, but the pressure to constantly cook had a counterproductive effect on my health.

Today, sometimes I eat out or order in, and it makes me so happy. I am more flexible, more open, and I am much healthier. It’s all about finding the middle path. If your path puts out your fire, it means that something is wrong.

It’s not that igniting my fire has solved all my problems. The human experience is still hard. I am still facing many challenges, in some ways even more challenges. When you change, or say your truth, it’s usually not so easy for the people around you to deal with. But I am empowered to deal with my problems. I feel fully alive and beautiful.

Today I love the way I look. I love the way inspiring aging women and men look. When you live out of passion, courage, and truth, you radiate beauty.

If you are willing to look beyond the anti-aging ads, you can see that aging is a beautiful process. I’m excited to age. I want to get old. My mother did not have the chance to be old. I have so many dreams to fulfill, and I am grateful for every moment given to me to fulfill them.

One thing is for sure: I will never lose my healthy fire again.

September 18, 2022
How Beautiful Your Broken Is

February 18, 2020
How to Be Like a Tree: Still, Strong, and Uniquely Beautiful

“This oak tree and me, we’re made of the same stuff.” ~Carl Sagan

I was hugging trees long before it was cool.

Recent research suggests that spending time in nature can reduce your blood pressure, heart rate, and stress level, not to mention cut down your risk of type II diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and premature death.

But when I began hugging trees, it was an undeniably weird thing to do.

I risked the odd looks of strangers, however, because trees felt so calm and welcoming to me. When I wrapped my arms around their broad trunks, it felt like I was being gathered into the protective embrace of a beloved elder, as if their steadfastness imparted strength, and their rootedness helped me find my own solid ground.

Recently, however, I’ve realized that their benefits extend far beyond momentary stress relief; it’s from trees that I’ve learned the most powerful lessons about how to deal with chronic depression and anxiety.

Here are the biggest and most unexpected things I’ve learned so far from trees:

1. When in doubt, don’t do.

Every time I hug a tree, I’m struck by how still it is. There’s a silence, a spaciousness, and a total lack of movement that boggles my mind.

I mean, it can’t be easy to be a tree. If you’re not getting enough sunlight, you can’t just pick up and walk a few steps to the right. If some animal builds its home too close to your roots, you can’t do anything to move it.

I, on the other hand, respond to any perceived threat by jumping into action. That’s the nature of my anxiety; when I’m afraid, I want to do something—anything.

But because I’m not acting out of clarity or wisdom, and because listening to fear makes the fear grow stronger, almost every action I take just makes things worse.

Like the time when I was anxious about leaving my therapist because I was about to move back to Atlanta after fifteen years away. Jumping into action, I decided to go off my anti-depressant medication before I left so I would have her help, but I did it at a time when I was also changing careers, starting a business, and getting ready to move cross-country. Needless to say, it made a difficult time even harder for me.

When I don’t get the results that I want, I feel even more out of control, my anxiety grows—along with my compulsion to act—and the negative cycle reinforces itself.

Trees show me how to break this cycle by demonstrating the value of not doing.

When I’m smart enough to imitate a tree, I get still. I feel. I listen.

When I do this for long enough, one of three things happens: Either the problem resolves itself, or a wise response becomes clear to me, or I realize that it wasn’t really a problem in the first place.

2. Support all of life.

I’m often awed by how much trees give to the creatures around them, from the moss that grows on their bark, to the birds and squirrels they feed and shelter, to the humans who breathe their oxygen and enjoy their shade.

When I’m depressed and anxious, I usually feel both overwhelmed by my own misery and guilty that I don’t have the resources to give more to others.

It’s another negative cycle whereby my misery makes me unable to focus on anything or anybody else, which causes me to feel horribly self-centered, which makes me feel even more wretched and less able to give. What makes things even worse is that supporting others is one of the few things I’ve found that reliably helps me feel better.

The effortless generosity of trees offers a way out.

When trees have something to give, they share it with everyone, no matter how small or undeserving. But they don’t beat themselves up for not having acorns in the spring, or leaves in the winter. They simply extend whatever’s there to extend.

Sometimes all I have to give is an apology for not being more considerate. Other times it’s a smile, or appreciation for someone’s support. Over time, if I give what I have, I have more to give, but the key is never to believe that it should be more than it is.

That way, I can support all life, including my own.

3. Don’t be afraid to get big.

I’ve never been one to take up too much space.

I’m talking physically: I’m over six feet tall and always felt awkward jutting up above most of the people around me, so I subconsciously slouched and made myself smaller.

But I’m talking emotionally and relationally as well: I never used to like to call attention to myself, ask for what I needed, or speak up about my opinions. I went out of my way not to negatively impact anybody else, even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness or well-being.

After years of always making other people’s needs and opinions more important than my own, it was hard not to feel depressed, helpless, and hopeless. By that point, however, making myself small wasn’t so much a choice as a well-ingrained habit.

When I began to hang out with trees more, I started to notice how unapologetic they are about the space that they take up. They don’t worry that growing tall will cause somebody else to feel inadequate, or that stretching their limbs out wider will mean they’re taking up too much room. They just are who they are. When I stood next to them, I could feel their expansiveness begin to bloom in my own chest.

Acting on this newfound sensation, I gave myself permission to get big. When I needed something, I asked for it. When I had an idea, I shared it. When I wanted something, I moved toward it. Not worrying about how others might perceive me, I stood tall and enjoyed the unique view.

The best part is, after a long time of feeling powerless over anxiety and depression, I finally saw that I was bigger than either of them.

4. Being crooked is beautiful.

I’ve made plenty of wrong turns in my life.

I used to feel ashamed that I had ten jobs over ten years before finally finding one that felt like a fit. Or that I had so many failed relationships before getting married nearly a decade after most of my friends. Or that fear made me wait twenty-five years to write a second novel when I knew after finishing my first at age twelve that I was born, in part, to write.

Most of us (including myself) tend to think that the straight path is the best one. We beat up on ourselves for our false starts and slow progress.

But have you ever noticed how beautiful trees are? And how crooked?

I’ve come to believe that it’s precisely because of their odd angles and unexpected curves that trees appear so graceful. A tree made of straight lines would hold no appeal.

Looking back, I can see that every job I had taught me more about what I wanted and brought me one step closer to work that I loved. Every relationship prepared me in some small way to be with the man I would eventually marry. And every time I negated my desire to write, that desire grew stronger, and I had more material to work with once I finally was ready to say yes to the call.

We can’t undo our wrong turns, but we can appreciate their gnarled beauty.

5. It doesn’t matter who you are.

When I was younger, I thought that it was what I did that made me worthy. I pushed myself hard to do well in school, excel in sports, and achieve as much as I could.

Eventually that strategy led to an unsavory mix of perfectionism, anxiety, and depression. Desperate, I got help from others and re-evaluated my beliefs. I soon concluded that it wasn’t what I did but who I was that mattered.

At first this new belief seemed helpful, but eventually it brought its own set of anxieties. I was trying my hardest, but was I really calm enough? Or kind enough? Or wise enough?

Then one day when I was hugging a tree, I tapped into a truth that made such questions irrelevant.

I’d just gotten curious about what a tree’s energy felt like. Opening up to it, I was immediately flooded by a sense of expansive serenity. Peaceful as it was, it was also vibrant and strong. Welcoming and warm, it pulled me in. Suddenly I felt as if I were filled with, made of, and surrounded by sunlight.

The energy was coming from the tree, but I realized that I could feel it because it was stirring something already within me. In other words, the tree and I shared the same true nature. Beneath my body, beneath my personality, and beneath my small identifications, I am this beautiful energy. So are you. So are we all.

Unified in this way with every other living thing in the world, even I have to admit that the idea of being unworthy doesn’t make any sense. It’s not only irrelevant; it’s impossible.

That’s when I realized that the magic lies not in what we do or even who we are, but in what we are, and how often we remember that.

May 6, 2019
How Truly Beautiful You Are

November 16, 2017
When You See Something Beautiful in Someone, Tell Them

July 27, 2017
The Sign of a Beautiful Person

November 1, 2016
You’re Beautiful, You’re Loved

October 3, 2016
Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful

September 28, 2016
How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” ~Proverb

I struggled with body image for years while I was living in Europe because I have a very fair complexion, oily skin, and thin hair.

During my childhood, people would look at me and comment on how pale I looked and ask my mother if I was anemic. Later on, as I was growing up, people who met me would ask if I was ill, or they would say that I look exhausted, tired, and weak.

It was most difficult during the summers, when there was always a social pressure to get a tan, as I heard a lot of negative comments then. I didn’t perceive myself as beautiful, nor did I think I would ever, until I came to India for the first time.

In India, bright skin is synonymous with beauty (beautiful means fair!), and everyone complimented me there, telling me how beautiful I am, that I am “bright like the moon.”

They also admired my silky, smooth hair and oily skin—in India, they call it “glowing skin” and appreciate it because skin can get very dry, with the hot weather.

Indian women would ask me over and over to share the secret behind my glowing skin, and they wouldn’t believe that it was naturally so oily; they’d think that it must be some cosmetic product from Europe that I didn’t want to tell them about.

Suddenly I realized why all my Indian friends, who lived in my hometown back in Europe, would not leave the house without the sunscreen, why they’d always tell me that I’d be considered very pretty in India, and why they’d joke that I’d get married quickly there!

I was shocked when I realized how much money people, both men and women, spend in India for fairness beauty products. Some women even bleach their skin with hydrogen peroxide-based cosmetics. Yet, in Western countries, people spend a ton of money on tanning products and solariums to get darker skin.

I realized in India how beauty is socially constructed and started feeling beautiful in my own (fair) skin for the first time in my entire life. Or, I should say, I discovered how beautiful I am, with all my Western “imperfections.”

For last two and a half years, since I’ve been living in India, people who knew me for a long time comment on how I look much more beautiful now and ask me to share my secret.

I don’t deny that Indian vegetarian food and the abundance of tropical fruits, together with natural beauty products with neem, heena, herbal oils and sandalwood, are part of the equation. But I believe the major reason is that I started feeling beautiful and good in my own skin.

Here are seven things I learned that can help us all feel better in our skin, with all of our “imperfections.”

1. Beauty is socially constructed.

This was one of the biggest aha moments I had in India. While we may not be considered as good looking in our own country, in some other part of the world we may be perceived as a beautiful person.

In some other part of the world, our height, complexion, hair color, facial features, and body shape—things we might see as “imperfections”—would be considered attractive traits.

2. Our body is our home in this lifetime.

We should be deeply grateful every single day that we have a body, which is our home and our vehicle in this lifetime. We can do so many things with our bodies—dance, swim, run, walk, talk, sit, move, hug our beloved, smile, eat, write, type, pick up objects, work, paint, cook, be intimate with our partner, and so much more!

Instead of focusing on the color or shape of our eyes, which we may not like, we can focus on how fortunate we are that we can see. Instead of focusing on how skinny, thin, short, or fat our legs are, or how much cellulite we have, we can focus on how blessed we are that we can walk, and so on.

3. True beauty comes from within.

Although this saying may sound cliché, it’s actually true. No matter how many beautiful facial features a person may have, a sad or angry face is never pretty. No matter how beautiful a person’s appearance may be, if the same person behaves with disrespect to others, or acts rudely and arrogantly, people will not want to spend much time around him or her.

A smile can bring radiance and beauty to every single face.

An old wise saying suggests that our external beauty is often what gets people attracted to us, but it is our personality that makes them fall in love with us.

4. Stop the negative self-talk.

If we observe the thoughts running through our mind every single day and notice negative self-talk about our body image, we need to consciously stop ourselves and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

Telling ourselves that we are “fat like a cow,” “ugly as a beast,” or that we look “pale and sick” will do us no good. It will only crush our self-esteem and makes us feel insecure and less worthy.

We need to observe these kinds of thoughts and decide that we will not continue repeating the same old negative story over and over again; instead, we will embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections.

It can be hard in the beginning, but the first step to letting go of the negative self-talk is to observe and notice these thoughts coming up. Once we become aware, we can replace them with more positive ones, like, for example, we can focus on what we like about our appearance, or what we like about ourselves that has nothing to do with our appearance.

5. Self-care is the road to self-love.

Self-care can help us feel better in our skin and our body immensely. Nourishing our body with nutritious food, good quality cosmetic products, and massages, and practicing some form of physical activity that we enjoy, will not only help us to feel good in our skin, but also to love and respect ourselves more in the long run.

6. Confidence is more attractive than good looks.

Imagine that you have a choice to date one of two people: The first is someone who is good looking, but very insecure, who doesn’t feel worthy and needs a ton of validation and compliments, who doesn’t feel confident enough to express their feelings toward you.

The second is someone who is average looking but communicative, funny, and courageous, who feels secure and good about him/herself and worthy of you, who makes you laugh all the time, and feels confident expressing their feelings toward you.

Which one would you choose? Very likely the second type of person, right?

7. There are lots of things we can do to feel better about our appearance, and feel better in our body.

Although we cannot change our appearance to the extreme, there are so many things that are in our control, that we can do on a daily basis to feel and look better.

We can wear clothes that resonate with our personality and make us feel more confident, we can do some form of exercise that improves our body tone, practice yoga or Pilates to improve our posture, get manicures, style our hair in a way that we like, nourish our skin, make sure we get enough sleep and drink plenty of water, decide to eat healthier, and so on.

Though we should do these things for ourselves, if we feel good in our own skin and love ourselves, other people will instantly start perceiving us as more beautiful and loving as well.

August 18, 2016
Our Differences Make Us Unique and Beautiful

August 7, 2016
You Are Strong, Beautiful, and Wise

July 6, 2016
You Are Beautiful

May 26, 2016
How Life Becomes More Beautiful When We Stop Anticipating the Worst

“Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.” ~Louis L’Amour

These days I live in the city, but I spent my childhood in a rural English village. It was quaint and quiet and rather lovely—the sort of place you’re desperate to leave when you’re young and full of fire, but begin to hanker for when you get a little older.

Back then, to get to the local school, I had to walk down a long, winding country lane, which had rolling fields on both sides. For half an hour each morning and the same coming home, I had beautiful scenery as far as the eye could see—streams, woodlands, horses frolicking in the fields.

But I never really saw any of this.

You see, this being the countryside, it was common for residents to walk their dogs down lanes such as this one. And this also being the eighties, before people began cleaning up after their dogs, there were quite a few areas on my journey where dogs had relieved themselves.

Now, because of this you had to keep your eyes on the ground pretty much constantly—that’s if you didn’t want to be that kid who walked dog poop into school, (or worse into a friend’s parent’s house, which I did once, but that’s another, much less allegorical, story).

So there I was each morning, eyes on the path, making sure I didn’t step on anything unpleasant, ignoring everything else. Closed off from all the beauty around me.

I’m glad to say that one day I had an epiphany. I realized that by being so cautious, I was actually missing out on experiencing the amazing backdrop to my journey.

On that day I realized that I wanted to walk to school present and mindful of the wonderful world around me.

I wanted to look around more and experience life in all its glory, not just worry about whether I stepped in poop.

So I did.

And yes, perhaps on occasion my shoe may have met with something nasty, but it made that walk so much more enjoyable. I remember the feelings of oneness and freedom it instilled in me to this day.

And really, that’s what being mindful and present is. It’s saying yes to life and noticing your surroundings. Fully.

It’s saying yes, I might step in something unpleasant, I might get hurt, I might feel silly, I might expose my vulnerabilities, but at least I get to experience every remarkable nuance and opportunity life has to offer too.

I’m also glad to say that this has been a lesson that I’ve carried through to my adult life.

Sure, there have been many times in the past when I’ve stepped in something nasty; jobs haven’t worked out, relationships have ended, people close to me have gone away in various different ways.

But throughout any downtime I’ve always tried to keep looking around me, to see the scenery, the bigger picture. Even if this is just catching myself in a negative tailspin, taking a deep breath, centring myself, and realizing that there’s lots to appreciate out there.

So what if you step in something? So what if you expose the real you and then get hurt? It’s all part of the rich tapestry of life, and you’ll deal with it, because you’re living your life completely.

Mindfully.

In the present.

It’s not about pretending there is no dog poop on the path; it’s accepting that it’s there and striving forward anyway; it’s being mindful of what’s happening but enjoying life regardless.

So my advice today is to accept that you might “step in” something nasty, but do it anyway.

Remain mindful and engaged in the moment rather than focusing on what might happen.

Practice presence; give yourself to each experience fully.

When you become present in your interactions, you’ll start to enjoy every encounter so much more. You become involved in your life, fully.

You look around at the scenery and you really live.

What’s great is that presence is like a muscle that you can train. The more you work on it, the more present and mindful you’ll be.

So I’d urge you to spend a few minutes each day training your presence muscle.

There’s a few ways you can do this, but one of the simplest is to count your breaths for a few minutes each day. Taking a deep breath once in a while helps in so many ways.

All you need do is find a quiet place and slowly breathe in and out. And as you do, count the breaths. Ten in and ten out. It sounds simple but it takes a lot of focus at first to get to ten.

If your mind wanders, start again at one. Try and do ten uninterrupted, focused breaths.

I find this is also a great mini-meditation to use if I need to recalibrate and realign with myself, perhaps during an afternoon slump at work.

And of course, I still find myself, on occasion, watching the path too much. We’re all guilty, I think, of focusing inward—concentrating so much on what might happen that we miss what is happening.

I hope after reading this you might be able to catch yourself being too path-focused and try to live more fully in your current surroundings.

Begin to enjoy the beautiful scenery around you, and know that you are there, in the moment, enjoying every aspect of life, no matter what.

And if you stand on something nasty, know it’s only a small part of a much bigger picture that deserves to be experienced in all its splendor.

April 25, 2016
Natural Beauty Is Accepting Yourself, Just as You Are

“When you are balanced and when you listen and attend to the needs of your body, mind, and spirit, your natural beauty comes out.” ~Christy Turlington

It wasn’t until I stopped wearing makeup that I realized the hypocrisy in every “natural beauty” ad. Be natural, wear a mask, they say. Unleash your confidence by hiding your flaws, they say.

If only it were so simple.

My struggle with body image began at age five. That was the first time I threw up to make myself feel thin.

I began to heal four years ago after I almost killed myself. All the years in between, I spent at least an hour each day putting on makeup, and all the rest of my waking hours obsessing about past and future calories and wondering if my clothes made me look fat.

When I went natural, it wasn’t exactly a choice. I had spent so long altering and concealing myself, making sure that nothing real would show, that nothing real was left—including joy, peace, and sanity.

I could say it was self-hatred that led me into a suicidal hole, but that self-hatred came from something else—my obsession with how I “should” be. I was so obsessed with crafting the perfect mask that I suffocated my authentic self. So, she burst out.

To heal my fractured relationship with myself, I decided to stop hiding. I stopped putting on makeup, stopped dieting, stopped dyeing my hair. I became, truly, natural.

I tried to focus on everything that was positive about the transition—more time, more money, more freedom. I could roll out of bed in the morning, wash my face, put on comfortable clothes, and go! But such moments of gratitude were few and far between.

Every other moment, I was either unaware of my appearance or repulsed by it. The image in the mirror shocked me. Her eyebrows were too light and her skin too blotchy. She had pores. She had pimples.

I kept telling myself that it was good to be natural, but when faced with my actual natural self, my mind revolted. “Not this kind of natural!” my thoughts would scream. “Aveno commercial natural! Blemish-free natural! Not this.”

I fought those thoughts. I didn’t fight them by suppressing them. I fought them by not reacting to them—by choosing my own natural self over this fake natural self I had become so enamoured with.

It took weeks before I got my first glimpse of beauty in the mirror, and it took years for those thoughts to stop tormenting me. One moment I would be feeling fine, but then I’d see an unflattering photo of myself, and I’d be hit with an avalanche of emotion.

It’s like noticing that you have a bug on your face. It’s like—“Oh god, that’s disgusting! How long has that even been there?” Your skin crawls. Your heart races. You feel like you’re dirty.

It’s just like that, but it wasn’t a bug. It was my entire body. My face. Just me. Disgusting. Has it always been like this? Get it off me. Now.

For so long, I was trying to get myself off me, to destroy any evidence of myself from myself. To recover from these behaviors was as difficult as recovering from any addiction. Self-judgment is a cancer. It doesn’t heal overnight.

And as I was learning to love myself, I began to realize just how unhelpful the culture around me was to my healing process. I would hear people around me saying things like, “I hope my children look nothing like me.” And, “I just want to cut this stupid fat off my body.” And everyone would nod. Yes, that’s how it is. That’s how we feel.

The more I became accustomed to my own natural image in the mirror, the more I recognized its absence from the world around me. From the ninety-year-old woman in the grocery store with thick lipstick stuck in the crevices of her wrinkled lips, to the teenager in the bathroom with anxious eyes desperately rubbing concealer onto her chin, I saw the search for beauty rather than the acceptance of it. And there is nothing natural about that.

Struggling to become naturally beautiful is like struggling to become a human being. We already are human. We already are naturally beautiful.

Beauty has been ours all along, even though it was stolen, packaged, and sold back to us. We just want back what’s ours. But we can’t buy natural beauty any more than we can buy natural hair or natural toes. The moment we make a purchase, it’s not natural anymore.

The beauty companies have been criticized inside and out, and I’m not here to be another voice of opposition. I’m here to be a voice of encouragement to that part of you that’s tired of trying to be someone you’re not.

If you want to feel naturally beautiful, you have to let yourself be naturally beautiful.

You have to leave yourself alone and learn to accept what is there—warts, stretch marks, and all. It won’t be easy, but compulsively trying to fix yourself isn’t easy either. The difference is that self-acceptance will one day heal you, while self-judgment never will.

And you aren’t the only one you’ll help. By accepting yourself, you will be another image of real natural beauty in our culture. By liberating yourself, you will liberate others. You will change the world.

April 24, 2016
Loving Yourself When You’re Too Fat, Too Skinny, Too Tall, or Too Short

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Living in NYC, I have seen some crazy and outrageous things. So, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see an ad in the subway that read, “Overcome Your Bikini Fears. Breast Augmentation Made In NY: $3,900,” or another ad from the same plastic surgery office that showed a picture of a woman looking sad, holding a pair of small tangerines in front of her breasts, and the same woman looking happy holding grapefruits, with the same caption, “Breast Augmentation Made in NY: $3,900.”

Still, I was surprised to see that this plastic surgery office would so overtly play into the insecurities of some women, basically implying, “You’re not good enough as you are; let me make you better.”

I understand that this office is simply trying to make a buck—a big buck, that is—but I couldn’t help but be aghast that this sort of message is allowed to be out there, to be seen on the train by many women, especially young women who might be wracked with a poor self-image already.

The truth is, I get it. I grew up wanting plastic surgery pretty much from third grade into my early twenties.

I was obsessed with looking in the mirror, poking around with my fingers trying to see the “better version” of my face, when it would be somehow reconstructed magically or surgically.

My nose was too flat, my eyes were not big enough or deep-set enough, and my jaw was not defined enough. To top it off, my legs were too short and my torso too long. I was not a girl on a magazine cover.

It broke my heart that I felt ugly and plain, and that I wanted something different from what I was. I actually felt beautiful sometimes, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, it wasn’t a vision of beauty, as I understood it.

The vision of beauty was the girl in a Hollywood movie. The vision of beauty was the girl in a commercial. The vision of beauty had features that I didn’t possess.

I kept wishing that my facial and body features would magically change as I grew up, or that I would one day be able to have plastic surgery. But deep down, I knew that I didn’t want to change my physical appearance in order to feel good about myself.

Over time, through the transformational work I did in the past decade, I was able to dissolve self-hatred and the desire for plastic surgery, and give myself total acceptance for who I am.

Now I feel good in my own skin. I’ve learned that the old adage is true: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I had appreciated it as a concept for a long time, but now I get it and know that it’s true.

I used to wish that my face and body would change somehow, but in truth, what needed to change was the way I saw myself and how I felt about myself.

My hope is that every person feels beautiful and good in his or her own skin.

Beauty is not a monopoly that only belongs to Miss Universe and the like. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways.

If you’re struggling with a poor self-image like I did, these tips may help.

1. Stop comparing.

My old boyfriend used to tell me that I was beautiful over and over like a broken record, though I didn’t believe him. He said this to me one time and it stayed with me: You can’t compare a rose to a lily; they’re both beautiful and they’re different.

I was constantly comparing myself to others, and I felt inferior because I didn’t measure up to the conventional ideas of beauty.

Since I stopped comparing, I realize that no part of my body is any less beautiful than someone else’s just because it’s shorter, longer, flatter, or bigger. When I stopped seeing with a specific set of beliefs and ideas, my “short” and “crooked” legs stopped being inferior.

You will always be too fat, too skinny, too tall, too this and that, when you compare yourself to others. You will always be “too something” when you play the comparison game. Know that you are exactly what you’re supposed to be—one of a kind and beautiful.

2. Ideas of beauty differ and change all the time.

If you looked into different cultures at different times, you would see that people had (and still have) different ideas of beauty. Some like curvy, some like skinny, some like tall, and some like short.

A lot of times (or maybe all the time), the definition of beauty as we know it is just the opinion of one person or group of people. It’s just so happened that this opinion got popularized.

If you don’t fit their definition of beauty, does it mean you’re any less beautiful? Absolutely not. Don’t let the ever-changing opinions of others affect how you feel about yourself.

Take Sarah Jessica Parker, for example. Some people think she’s the most gorgeous woman on the whole planet, and some quite the opposite. So, who’s right?

The better question to ask would be: Does it really matter? It really doesn’t matter what other people say or think. What matters is how you see yourself and how you feel about yourself.

3. Change the way you see.

Have you had experiences where people you thought were attractive became unattractive in your eyes, and people you thought were unattractive became attractive? I have many times.

When I was nineteen, I met a guy who I thought was “ugly” at first sight. Then I fell madly in love with him two weeks later, and he became the most handsome guy in the whole wide world to me.

Conversely, I met another guy a few years later that I thought had the most gorgeous face. A few interactions later, his face lost all its appeal to me, as I found him to be rather obnoxious.

I’ve had so many of these experiences over the years, and I’ve realized that beauty entails more than just “pretty” features. Whenever I find something lovely about a person, whether it’s their kindness, generosity, or thoughtfulness, their external features seem to start to sparkle with radiance. It’s not that the person changed—my perception did.

Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “When you change the way you look at things, things you look at change.” I know this to be true because I often experience this in my life.

When I go on my nature walks, I try to observe things without preconceived notions or ideas. I sometimes stop and look at a fly perched on a leaf of a plant, and when I look at it without my preconceived notion (that it’s ugly or disgusting), I can see the exquisite beauty that it is.

Now, I know that you’re not a fly, but the same principle applies. When you remove the gunk—the gunk of beliefs and ideas—from your eyes, you start to see the magnificent beauty of who you are.

4. Change your thoughts.

Recently, when I was video recording myself, I felt rather disturbed by my appearance. I didn’t want to feel this way, but a barrage of negative self-talk dominated my head, and I wanted to just give up on the whole project.

I went for a walk, and when I came back—with a little more space within myself—I realized I had allowed myself to be taken over by the negative voices in my head. I had been totally immersed in them.

Time, space, and a little bit of deep breathing helped me step back from my own drowning thoughts. Then I was able to embrace the other voices that also existed in my head, which were more affirming and kind. And I continued with my project.

How sad it would be if I allowed those negative voices to stop me from offering what I have to give: my knowledge, ideas, voice, gifts, my love, and more. I would be withholding all of those things from people who might need and benefit from them.

If you find yourself in a similar situation where you’re feeling bad about how you look, take a moment to notice what you’re thinking. Step back and take a few deep breaths so you can observe your thoughts instead of being immersed in them.

And remember, you’re more than your skin. You, too, have so much to give (even if you feel like you don’t): your unique gifts, your experience, courage, ingenuity, creativity, and so much more. Don’t let the negative voices stop you from sharing what you have. The world (your neighbors, your friends, your grandma, or whatever your world may be) needs it.

5. Give yourself total acceptance.

I admit, even with all the realizations I’ve had, there are times when I look at myself in the mirror with dismay.

Some of the old, familiar thoughts crop up in my head, telling me I’m plain and ugly. The difference now is that I catch myself falling into my old belief—that looking a certain way makes me undesirable and unlovable.

For most of us, this is the core of the issue: We believe that we would not be desirable, that we would not be loved, if we didn’t look “good.”

The truth is, there will always be someone or some people who will find me undesirable or unlovable, but the world is also full of people who will feel the opposite.

Ultimately, the deeper truth I had to find within myself was this: If no one loves me, will I love myself?

The answer was yes, I will love myself. I will not forsake me. I will not take my love away from me.

That’s the truth I needed for myself, and what I truly needed in order to feel beautiful and good in my own skin.

In those moments when I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I make a choice. I make a choice to give myself total acceptance and love for all that I am: good, ugly, bad, and all.

And that’s how I love myself when I’m too short, too tall, too fat, and too skinny.

Woman at beach image via Shutterstock

April 24, 2016
Kindness Makes You the Most Beautiful Person in the World

Source: Positive Outlooks

March 24, 2016
To Be Beautiful Means to Be Yourself

March 17, 2016
You Are Beautiful; Can You See It?

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~Confucius

This is my sister Cindy and me when we were little. If you look closely you may be able to tell that Cindy has Down Syndrome. This was a long time ago and one of my most favorite pictures. I am now fifty-eight and Cindy would be sixty this month.

I followed Cindy into this world and I was with her three years ago when she left. I am who I am in this world because of Cindy. She taught me all of the most important things about life through being who she was.

If you have never had the privilege of knowing anyone who has Down Syndrome, you are missing something extraordinarily beautiful. My belief is that they are angels who are here on earth to teach us about beauty. True, real beauty.

I have some strong beliefs about beauty.

Real beauty is totally free. It doesn’t cost any money and it’s in abundance for everyone.

Real beauty feels good. It’s a relief when we recognize it in ourselves and others.

Real beauty is worth more than money.

We all are beautiful and beauty is all around us.

When Cindy looked in the mirror she saw extraordinary beauty, every single time.

She saw a treasure, a work of art, grace, refinement, happiness.

She didn’t see what many others saw when they looked at her. She was different looking. She walked funny. She kind of hobbled from side to side. She had a short neck and a fairly large face and her eyes were different. She often did things with her tongue and held her mouth open. Her tongue was thicker than ours so she didn’t speak with the clarity that ‘normal’ people do. She often twisted her words.

And yet, she was exquisitely beautiful.

She was nothing more and nothing less than who she was.

She was pure, precious, and tender.

She didn’t judge. There was no right or wrong or better or worse with her. No one was less than or more than anyone else in her eyes. Everyone was simply who they were. No expectations. No hidden agendas. No judgment. No measuring up. Ever.

Somehow I think she saw right into the soul of everyone she met. She saw right into me. I know that. She didn’t see my skin tone or hairstyle or makeup job or weight or size of me. She saw the real being of me. She saw my essence, and because she saw what was real in me I was authentic with her. My mask fell off every time I was with her.

When Cindy died I made a commitment to live my life with courage to see and reveal my beauty. I also made a promise to look for and see the beauty in others. I am doing that more and more.

At fifty-eight I now look in the mirror and see lots of wrinkles and fifteen extra pounds that want to stay with me. And I am okay with that. When I look in the mirror now I consciously look for love.

I look to love myself and what I see before me. I know that all those lines are paths to loving myself and others even more. They are not scars to be erased or covered up. They are lines of living and loving fully. Of sharing and caring for others, and myself, with tenderness and compassion. Just as Cindy saw me. No judgment. No criticism. No agenda.

Cindy saw me, and she loved me so that I could learn to see and love myself.

And if I can do that, you can too.

Today, when you look in the mirror, look carefully to see you.

Try to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you unconditionally, appreciates you for all your best qualities, and would never judge you.

If there’s no one who has ever loved and appreciated you in this way, understand that this is likely why you struggle to see your beauty, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Don’t worry about an image you think should be reflected back at you. Look for you in the mirror. Don’t focus on the laugh lines; focus on the smile. Don’t home in on the scars; remember the strength that helped you heal. Don’t look at yourself with a critical eye; look for and celebrate the light in your eyes.

I guarantee if you look carefully, you will see something, someone beautiful. Someone worth loving and caring for. Someone soft and tender and precious. Someone who has a place in this world and a gift to share.

Someone beautiful.

You.

March 13, 2016
Kindness Makes You the Most Beautiful Person in the World

Source: Lessons Learned in Life

February 2, 2016
A Beautiful Heart Keeps You Beautiful Forever

Source: NotSalmon.com

January 25, 2016