Tiny Buddha

Tag: attachments

  • When It’s Time to Let People Go: How I’ve Lightened My Emotional Load

    When It’s Time to Let People Go: How I’ve Lightened My Emotional Load

    “Love yourself enough to let go of the people, thoughts, and habits that are weighing you down.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    More than a year ago I started unpacking and cleaning out my ‘backpack’ of life in a different way.

    I have always tried to remain friends with exes, and even though we didn’t necessarily socialize together, there was still the odd keeping in touch, helping them with a favor, or “Happy Birthday” text.

    While most of them are generally nice people, the truth is that if I never dated them, I probably wouldn’t be friends with them now. We’re just on different paths, have grown in different ways, or have vastly different priorities (or values). Also, some were great manipulators, and for others I was maybe a time-filler.

    Regardless, they were forming part of the emotional baggage I carried in my life backpack every day. I certainly don’t pine over them or even think about them all that much, but I felt a sense of intense guilt at the thought of cutting them off.

    Would I be a bad friend? Would I be a bad person for no longer helping with favors, doing an odd work presentation they needed help with, or being available for emotional support?

    The truth is, their work presentations and financial and emotional well-being were never my responsibility to start with. As a partner, I certainly want to support and build up my partner in love, but taking on these burdens, whether in or out of the relationship, just drove me to feeling guilt and an immense sense of failure.

    As much as I tried, I could never fully solve their problems, take away their pains, or make them happy.

    Ego Introspection—Another Hard Truth

    Another hard truth is that I really was just an easy target for them to shift their responsibilities. Whether it was the work presentation or an emotional off-load, I felt that I had to be there. Why?

    I’d feel guilty if things didn’t work out because I’d said “no”—whether due to their conscious or subconscious manipulation or my own attachment. Maybe I felt a sense of being the hero. Was I dependent on them for an ego boost?

    Stuffing My Backpack to Zip-Busting Stage

    This was taking up space in my life backpack. The thing is, every backpack can only fit so many things. If your pack is full, but you want to fit that extra little thing, you’ll have to remove something else. There’s only so much space.

    Why carry heavy stones in a backpack and then complain that you can’t fit a nutritious lunch, your favorite book, or a jacket to keep you warm?

    This is exactly what I was doing. I was filling my backpack with emotional attachments and baggage that were weighing me down. While they didn’t take up much time in my life, they took up a lot of space in my head.

    Sometimes I removed the stones of guilt or failure, but often I put them back inside. Sometimes I just removed them from the backpack but carried them in my hands instead.

    Because they occupied my time and emotions, I was unable to be vulnerable with others. Some friends withdrew because they knew I always had a subtle attachment lingering in the back of my head. I missed out on many great friendships because I was not fully open.

    Although I was technically free enough to be fully present in other friendships and relationships, there was an underlying manipulation to remain somewhat faithful to the expectations of my ex. They didn’t want me, but they didn’t want to fully free me.

    Unless I completely removed the stones and left them behind, tossed them away, I would never have space for more amazing things in that backpack. In fact, the seams would rip and the zipper would break, and it would be harder to hold anything at all.

    I have witnessed the same thing with some of my closest friends. They keep subtle strings attached to ex-partners or friends that no longer serve their growth and healing. By doing this, I have noticed, they always have their guard up.

    They struggle to be fully open, honest, and vulnerable. They have missed out some incredible friendships because others can sense this. They have hurt some of the most loving and well-meaning people in their lives because they kept gravitating back to an unhealthy attachment and filling their bag with stones.

    Starting to Unpack

    Sometimes letting go requires a frank conversation, but often it can be done by simply distancing yourself intentionally. That’s what I did. No more contact. It took me more than a year to work through the guilt of being a ‘bad friend’ for cutting people out.

    It took hours, days, and weeks of feeling and working through heavy emotions, and then letting them go…over and over. It wasn’t an easy process. It wasn’t a quick process. I loved those I had to let go, but I knew it was no longer serving my growth and healing to be emotionally attached.

    Slowly, I could peel away these sticky layers of attachments that I wasn’t even aware of. The feeling of failure, the attachment to someone who I once trusted, and the attachment to my own sense of being the hero.

    I was concerned that they would now think badly of me, and even worse, that they would talk badly of me to others because I would no longer pick up their responsibilities.

    Letting go, completely, was life changing. I never realized how much emotional and mental space my exes (and even some unhealthy friends who I also decided to distance myself from) were taking up in my mind and heart.

    I didn’t only have to set physical boundaries, but I also had to teach myself emotional boundaries to stop the unhealthy thought patterns. Anger, resentment, guilt… it all had to go.

    I had to get rid of their voices in my head that always had an opinion on how I was living, who I spent my time with, or even what I wore. Keeping any strings attached would just reinforce these little, subtle voices again.

    I finally realized that it would be impossible to truly heal and grow (spiritually, emotionally, and just as a human being) if I kept occupying this space in my backpack with these thoughts.

    Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Them

    The amount of space I freed up in my backpack for GOOD stuff was incredible. The degree of anxiety that left my life was transformational. I learned that letting go doesn’t mean not loving. In fact, when you truly let go you are freer to feel love from a distance, without any anger, guilt, anxiety, or attachment.

    I truly love those I had to let go, not with a romantic type of fickle love, but in a way that I deeply care. Just because you decide not to engage someone in your life doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It simply means you are committed to your own growth and the path you know is right for you.

    I was finally able to commit my thoughts and emotions to more positive ways of living. I was slowly able to be myself without voices in my head questioning every action I took. I could love others in new, more fully present ways. I became better at setting healthy boundaries and realizing when they were being disrespected.

    I also have a much different sense of love for those I have let go. It may sound contradictory. While previously my love for them largely led me to people-pleasing, guilt when I feared I would disappoint, and anger when I felt betrayed, this was no longer the case. Looking back now, I see that fear, guilt, and anger are not remotely signs of love at all.

    Now, however, if a painful thought comes up, my heart and mind respond with only peace, and I wish them a light backpack too. I might not agree with their values or the choices they make, but my heart feels no painful emotions. I genuinely hope that whatever they are packing in their bags will bring them true freedom—that their souls too may flourish.

    The Journey Continues

    I am by no means done with this journey. I still struggle to trust others and hate feeling vulnerable. But at the same time, I am overwhelmed at the doors this process has opened for transformation.

    Creating the path of least resistance for growth in my life means there is space for good stuff in my backpack. Instead of carrying a heavy load, I often find myself sharing the good stuff in my backpack with others more freely. By that I mean with no expectations or attachment to an outcome.

    Every day brings a new sorting out of this backpack. It’s humbling. What stays and what new things have I stuffed inside that are taking up unnecessary space?

    The longer I hang on to things that don’t benefit my growth and healing, the harder they are to get rid of. Some haven’t been around for too long. If I clean out and evaluate often, it becomes easier to recognize what’s adding too much weight and taking up precious space for good stuff.

    Some things in the backpack once served me very well but no longer do. It takes courage to let these go. You’ll be surprised by how some old, moldy items start making even the good things smell and rot.

    This principle applies to almost any area of our lives, not only to exes or friendships. It can be a family member, a job, or an identity you associate yourself with. In fact, I’ve had to clear my backpack of many of these things too.

    While they don’t always take up physical space in your life, the mental and emotional drain can be intense. Let go of what’s weighing you down so you can be fully present, love better, and grow to let your beautiful soul flourish in lightness. It’s not quick. It’s not easy. But it will transform your life. It transformed mine.

  • Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we often get stuck in grief when something changes—a lay off, a breakup, or a transfer.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.

    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.

    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.

    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.

    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.

    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.

    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.

    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.

    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.

    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.

    I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.

    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.

    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.

    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.

    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.

    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.

    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job or the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.

    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.

    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.

    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.

    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.

    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.

    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.

    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.

    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Zen your now.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    The most important question: What do you choose right now?

    Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of the Attachments That Keep You Unhappy

    Letting Go of the Attachments That Keep You Unhappy

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My father died when I was fifteen, so I learned right away that life was too short. At the time, the only meaning I could grasp from his death was that my life needs to mean something.

    I vowed to make something great out of myself.

    I went to college determined to become a police officer. I had a strange gut feeling going in, something telling me that it was wrong, but I just assumed it was because I had a hearing loss, and I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

    I graduated with a degree in Applied Arts and Science. To this day, I’m not sure how I went down that path.

    I know it was mostly due to confusion and self-doubt. I still had to be an officer though; I had to do something with my life. I spent more than a year unemployed, hating myself more and more with each failed interview, each rejected resume.

    In my spare time, apart from moping, I wrote. Growing up I always had a small dream to be a writer, but I always pushed it aside, for too many reasons to list.

    One day, after I failed a physical to enter the police academy by two seconds, I drove home and it hit me.

    I didn’t want to be a police officer. I wanted to be a writer.

    What was I doing?

    I mentally beat myself up. I was so desperate, so attached to the idea that I had to be great, go somewhere no hard of hearing person ever went, that I failed to truly live.

    How could I miss all the things around me that I enjoyed, that made me happy and at peace?

    I had an amazing husband who always nudged me to write. I had great friends who loved me for who I was, not who I was set out to be. I had a family who supported me no matter what.

    I lived in Colorado with beautiful mountains and scenery.

    I failed to realize what I really learned from my father’s death: life is too short. Embrace the moments.

    How often have we attached ourselves to an idea that if I accomplish this, then I’ll be happy? The thing about dreams and goals is that they have to change with us. We can’t expect things out of life. We have to enjoy the ride, learn from our sufferings, and take each day as it comes.

    Letting go of a dream, especially one I’d held since childhood, was a very hard thing for me to do. But once I did, I’d never felt so free. Everything in my life fell into place.

    Attachment makes us suffer; it forces us into self-doubt and misery. We are tied down and locked in the prison of our own minds.

    Once you let go, you are free. It’s so liberating. It starts to become a little bit easier, day by day, to let go of other things. It’s not easy, though. Old habits tend to pull us back in, but if we learn to recognize this, we can continue to soar.

    How can you let go? Here’s what I learned that helped me.

    1. Don’t expect things out of life.

    This applies to everything. When you’re nice to someone, you expect them to be nice back. When you do someone a favor, you expect something in return. When you have a dream, you expect that it has to happen or you’re a failure.

    I expected to be a police officer. I ended up being a writer and working in a bookstore. And I’m so happy with where I ended up. You can’t force life to happen. Letting go helps you to embrace life and the path you are on, not the path you expected to be on. And sometimes you end up where you need to be.

    2. Accept things the way they are.

    Again, apply this to every aspect of your life. Accept people for who they are and how they behave. Accept who you are. Accept the world for what it is. Once you accept things, you can look deeper and see things for what they really are.

    3. Meditate or sit quietly.

    Sometimes just sitting still and quietly can help us look deep within ourselves and see what we really want. If I had done this long ago, I would’ve realized that being a police officer wasn’t what I truly wanted.

    When you meditate or just sit with your thoughts, you’ll find that the answer you want will come to you. and it’ll always be the one you’ll least expect.

    4. Recognize your feelings.

    When you find yourself attached to an emotion or idea, recognize the feelings and reasons behind it. What emotion is locking you to your attachment?

    For example, my attachment to being an officer was due to an old childhood emotion of wanting to prove to everyone that I can do something most people can’t.

    5. Forgive.

    This is one of the hardest. We have to look deep within us and forgive ourselves for everything. We have to see that we’re humans, and no human is perfect. We all make mistakes, and it’s okay to have made mistakes.

    Forgive yourself for everything. Once you do, you can let go of the attachments that keep you trapped, whether it’s to anger, a false self, or fear.

    It’s only until we let go are we truly free. And it’s only then can we really embrace the present moments and life itself.