Tag: assumptions
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A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment
“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins
I am always making up stories about what others think of me or what they really meant when they made that comment. And I typically make up the worst case scenario. According to my brain, everyone is mean-spirited and ridiculing me.
This is not an uplifting way to live one’s life. The pessimistic stories I create are generated in part by my low self-esteem, and by convincing myself they’re true, I continue to fuel it. My constantly negative perceptions affect my relationships with others and overall mood in a harmful way.
I recently experienced a huge breakthrough in regard to this aspect of my thought processes. I am a huge fan of Dr. Brené Brown’s work and recently read her newest book Rising Strong. One of my biggest takeaways was this one phrase that will improve your relationships: “The story I’m making up…”
Why We Make Up Stories
As humans, our brains make up stories. We automatically search for meaning. If there is a lack of information, then we will try to fill in that gap.
Studies have shown that we like stories to make sense or fulfill a pattern, and we will use our own experiences as reference for this.
Brown actually says that research shows we get a dopamine hit when we recognize a pattern. Our brains especially like it if the story can give us more insight into how to protect ourselves and secure our survival.
This is why we make up stories to explain why bad things happen. If we know the cause, next time we can plan accordingly to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately, even though we honestly believe them to be true, the stories we make up are usually at least somewhat inaccurate.
This is where the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” works to clear things up in our interactions with others.
How to Use It
“The story I’m making up…” can be used in times of struggle or conflict with another person. Perhaps a co-worker quickly changed the subject after you expressed a concern about a project. You can use this phrase to say, “The story I’m making up is that I’m being dismissed because my opinion is not valued.”
Or maybe your significant other flipped on the television when it’s supposed to be date night. You can say, “The story I’m making up is that our relationship is not a priority to you.” It is an effective tool that can be used in family, friend, work, and romantic relationships.
Recently my husband and I were arguing. He shared his feelings with me, which is often challenging for him. Because I know he really appreciates physical affection (and I struggle to give it), I chose to pull him into a hug instead of responding verbally.
The hug did not feel reciprocal as his arms were loosely around me. I was vulnerable when I offered physical affection, and his lackluster embrace registered as a cold shoulder to me. I was feeling very hurt as I told him, “The story I’m making up is that this lifeless hug is an expression of rejection.”
He apologized and explained that he did not intend to reject me; he was just feeling thrown off by my lack of spoken response.
His mind was whirling trying to figure out a sense-making story as well. “The story I’m making up…” created a space for us to share our intentions and feelings and work through the misunderstandings in a calm and safe environment.
Why Use It
The beauty of this phrase is that it provides the setting to speak openly without initiating a defensive reaction from whomever you’re speaking with. It allows you to honestly express your experience while still taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is a disarming method of communication that leads to a more productive dialogue.
“The story I’m making up…” becomes an opportunity to revisit a confusing or troubling situation. From there you can challenge your perceptions and reality-check them against the viewpoint of the other person. It provides space for the other person to clarify their intentions.
The majority of the time this phrase stops an argument before it can even start for me and my husband. When one of us is feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood, we tell the other what story we’re making up.
Oftentimes the other person clears up the issue without any conflict because typically our intentions with one another are good.
Miscommunication and negative assumption are the causes of so much unintentional and unnecessary conflict in relationships. Instead of getting into a fight or silently resenting the other person, using the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” establishes a safe place for meaningful dialogue to gain better understanding of the situation and one another.
You may realize there actually is no issue, or if there is, you can continue to work through it together in a respectful and effective manner.
Communication image via Shutterstock
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Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present
“The past exists only in our memories, the future only in our plans. The present is our only reality.” ~Robert Pirsig
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by unpleasant thoughts and feelings? Do they show up like an uninvited guest when you’re least expecting them?
About eight months ago, I quit a lucrative corporate job in finance to follow my passion, writing.
Like most things in life, this decision came with a cost.
And all the angst that comes with it.
A few months into my venture, I noticed my angst had become a large part of my mental world. I worried I’d run out of money, that my dream of being a well-paid writer wouldn’t materialize.
I’d admonish myself for leaving a perfectly secure job to chase a pipe dream. “What were you thinking?” I’d say to myself, “I mean, how stupid could you be?
Eventually, I noticed something interesting.
All the obstacles to my happiness were about imagined future scenarios (i.e.: I will never earn a living again), or doubts about past choices (i.e.: Did I make the right choice by leaving a lucrative corporate job behind?).
None of them were rooted in the present moment.
In fact, they stole my present moments like thieves in the night.
Eventually, I realized that if I didn’t deal with these feelings, I’d snap. I had to find a way to deal with these obstacles to my happiness that kept me from taking positive action in the present.
So I did what anyone would do: I turned to Google.
I researched various approaches of dealing with my feelings that held me back from acting in the present.
I discovered meditation and daily mindfulness practice as a powerful solution, and subscribed to various mindfulness blogs.
A few months down the track, I came across this post by Lori Deschene.
Lori’s words around letting go of emotions (dealing with the mental demons once and for all) struck a chord with me:
“Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.”
The truth is, you can only let go of feelings after immersing yourself in them.
Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?
But that’s the one thing that always works.
The following are five great ways to overcome the obstacles to happiness and feelings that keep you from living fully in the present.
1. Fully embrace your feelings with openness, even the negative ones.
That’s right.
Embrace your feelings fully in each present moment and let them pass when they’ve run their course.
So, if you’re feeling fear, feel it fully in the now. Without reacting to it.
Watch the fear as it manifests in your body. Fear manifests as butterflies in my stomach and tingling in my forearms.
How does it manifest in yours?
Remember, the only way to truly let go of feelings is to allow them to run their natural course with conscious awareness.
2. Use journaling to create mental spaciousness and increase your ability to let go.
This is quite effective in slowing the mind down.
Most writers would agree that seeing your thoughts appear on a page before you is therapeutic.
Writing also increases your ability to detach from the immediacy of painful thoughts and feelings.
Journaling is a great way to bring awareness to your destructive thought patterns, so you can change them.
At the end of each day, write down what you learned from the day. What upset you and what made you feel fantastic? If something upset you, how much of that was based on your interpretation of the situation, which arose from your assumptions about it?
How often do you journal?
3. Use your breath to bring your attention back to the present moment.
Mark Twain famously said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
So many of our fears (future projections) never actually come to pass.
And anyway, the past and the future live only in our imagination—in this present moment.
When your mind is fully in the present, you can’t engage in fearful thoughts about the future or regretful thoughts about the past.
So, focus on your breath in this present moment.
The benefits of doing this are as follows:
- It brings your attention back to this moment.
- It engages your mind in something non-conceptual.
What’s your breathing like right now? Is it deep? Shallow?
4. Recognize that your reaction to events dictates your life experience, not the event itself.
In his book called Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer explains the importance of separating our reactions to thoughts from the thoughts themselves.
Imagine this.
Cal agonizes over the idea that his boss thinks he’s stupid. He loses sleep over it. It’s the bane of his existence.
Now, let’s say Cal had no idea that his boss thought he was stupid.
Then he wouldn’t be unhappy, right? How could Cal be unhappy about something he didn’t know?
The point: Cal’s boss’ opinion isn’t making Cal unhappy. It’s Cal’s reaction to his boss’ opinion that’s making Cal unhappy.
By taking ownership of his reaction of his own thoughts, Cal can take charge of his mental world.
He can choose to react differently to his boss’ (low) opinion of him. Cal can choose to give his boss’ opinion less importance by recognizing that it’s one person’s opinion among many.
Paradoxically, this would actually enable Cal to see it as constructive criticism and better himself as a result.
Think about the last time you were upset. What were you telling yourself about the event that upset you? Were you upset because of your reaction to the event or because of the event itself?
5. Discover how your underlying assumptions are secretly affecting your life.
Our underlying assumptions, of which we are often completely unaware, are responsible for a lot of self blame and distress.
Let’s go back to my example at the start of this post.
My feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry were all based on an implicit assumption that my writing career should have taken off within six months. My assumption just wasn’t valid. Getting traction as a writer often takes years.
My underlying assumptions were wrongly implying that I had failed without me realizing it.
Once I recognized the absurdity of the underlying assumption, the feelings of fear around never being able to launch a successful blog dissipated immediately.
What are the underlying assumptions that have you judging yourself harshly?
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Conquering your demons isn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile is.
Sure, it’s often uncomfortable to embrace your feelings fully, or to be mindful of how your underlying assumptions are sabotaging your life. But each of us has the capacity to do it.
The question isn’t, “Can I do it?” but rather, “Will I do it?”
If you want to live a full life, resolve to set yourself on the path this very moment. Right now. Don’t put it off for another second.
You have to realize that this life is yours to be lived to the fullest. And only you can determine your attitude toward letting go of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.
So take a deep breath. Breathe in this moment. And give it your best.
Right now!
Happy yoga woman image via Shutterstock
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A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit
“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” ~Swedish proverb
I’m a worrier by nature, and I come by it honestly.
My mother was afraid to cross bridges and ride in elevators, boats, and airplanes. Her mother died of cancer at the age of forty, and my mother spent many years—including those of my childhood—thinking every sniffle, fever, or headache might be the start of something fatal.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, growing up with a steady dose of anxiety, like an invisible intravenous drip, had its effect on my developing mind.
I was an introverted, timid child. Afraid of the boys who threw snowballs, afraid of steep ski trails, afraid of not getting A’s in every subject, all the time. A lot of my anxiety got channeled into perfectionism, and—just like my mother—trying to control pretty much everything.
The gift in my anxiety was a distinct drive to find peace. That quest led me to meditation at the tender age of nineteen.
That was more than forty years ago. I was young and naïve and really had no idea what I was doing (the belief that I could banish worry forever being just one indication of my naiveté). But I persisted—and when I lost the thread of practice, I always eventually came back to it.
Here’s one thing I’ve learned in forty-some years of meditation and awareness practice: There is a great deal that I’m not aware of. Still.
That could be discouraging, and sometimes it is. But what keeps me on this path, what keeps me meditating and working to bring the light of mindful attention to the dark places in my mind and life, are the new awarenesses, the small victories I feel in moments when something that was unseen is all at once seen.
There is a thrill in that, not perhaps like the thrill of speeding down a black diamond trail or any of those other physical challenges I’ve always been afraid of, but a thrill just the same.
One day, not too long ago, I was driving to a train station to leave my car in a long-term lot while I visited New York for a few days. I had never been to this lot and as I drove, I was feeling the pressure of needing to find the lot, find a spot, and not miss the train.
That feeling of pressure isn’t unusual when I have a deadline such as a train to catch. But this time, for some reason, I became more acutely aware of a subtle layer of physical and emotional tension.
Just as I often do on the meditation cushion, I began to bring the feeling of tension more fully into awareness and to investigate it as I was driving. Here’s what I saw:
1. I was facing an unknown (inconsequential as it was), which triggered anxiety because the unknown is impossible to control.
2. My feelings were telling me a lie—that is, that this unknown situation had life-or-death consequences.
And most importantly:
3. How I was relating to the unknown of not being sure about where to park and how long it would take, this is how I relate to all unknowns in my life, large and small. That is, I approach the unknown with an underlying assumption that was completely unconscious until that moment: “It won’t work out.”
Because I had become aware of it, I was able to question the assumption. I remembered Pema Chodron’s description of a traditional Tibetan Buddhist teaching, from Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living: “train in the three difficulties.”*
The first “difficulty” is to see your unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior. The second is to “do something different.” The third is to continue doing that different thing.
So, I asked myself, “What if I tried something different, and assumed it most likely would work out?” (That is, I would find the lot, be able to find a parking spot, and get to the train on time.)
I tried to coax my brain toward this idea, and to resist the considerable energy drawing it back to the habitual, well-worn track of “It won’t work out.”
It felt strange, driving toward the station with the idea that finding parking and getting to the train was workable. I mean “strange” the way crossing your legs the opposite way from how you usually do feels strange. Not bad, really, but unfamiliar, foreign.
But not too long after it felt strange, it felt incredibly liberating. Just as assuming “It won’t work out” is a pretty sure bet to breed anxiety, approaching an unknown with the assumption that it’s going to be workable is likely to induce at least some degree of calm and equanimity.
And it did. My shoulders relaxed, my breathing deepened, and I felt a kind of mental brightening, as if a foreboding storm cloud had unexpectedly lifted.
I’d like to say that was the moment when I cast aside the worn-out assumption that “It won’t work out” and replaced it—forevermore—with “It’s all workable.” Well, suffice it to say, I’m still working on the third difficulty: “Continue in that new way.”
But that’s okay with me now, in a way it wouldn’t have been four decades ago. Instead of feeling impatient to get rid of that worry-driven assumption, I feel grateful that I became aware of it.
And to me, that kind of awareness, arising seemingly spontaneously, is the fruit of meditation and whatever other ways we work to wake up. However imperfectly we make that effort, it does make a difference over time.
Contrary to the incessant messages from our turbo-charged culture, here’s another piece of wisdom I’ve gleaned in forty-some years of meditating and sixty-some years of life: Most change happens bit by bit, one small “aha” at a time, with lots of practice in between.
And there’s joy to be had—in each of those small awakenings, and in the winding path we walk toward the unknown, illumined by the light of one humble, thrilling realization after another.
(By the way–no surprise—I did find the lot and a parking space, and got to the train with plenty of time. It did work out.)
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Stop Assuming the Worst: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality
“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” ~Buddha
My morning bicycle ride had been uneventful until I spotted a small lump in the middle of the bike path. It wasn’t a twig, a dead mouse, or a smelly “gift” from a dog, which are some of the most common sightings during my rides.
It was a perfect, intact slice of bread.
In a nanosecond, my mind created several versions of how this piece of bread had ended up where it was.
I pictured a young mother pushing a stroller and her two-year-old tossing the bread out to the side. But no one in her right mind would give a whole slice of bread without butter or jam to a picky toddler.
“Well,” I said to myself, “Maybe this was the woman’s first child, and she had no clue what to feed little children.” Now, this woman’s poor choices had resulted in perfectly good food being wasted.
My mind then traveled to countries where a good slice of bread (or any kind of food) is very hard to find, and I started to feel anger.
That’s when a voice inside told me, “There you go again, making up stories in your head.” I chuckled at my crazy imagination. And that’s when it hit me: We all create stories in our head, and many of these stories make our lives miserable.
I used to be a pro at assuming the worst.
I remember being upset that a friend seemed to be ignoring me and hadn’t returned my emails, until I realized I had been sending the messages to her old (and inactive) address.
I recall the time I paid an evening visit to Wal-Mart, and when I spotted a man running in my direction in the parking lot, I thought I was going to be attacked. The man only wanted to ask for a couple of dollars because his motorcycle had run out of gas.
I remember a time in my life in which all the pieces were falling perfectly into place, and instead of rejoicing in the moment, I wondered when the next disaster would happen because life couldn’t be so good.
The stories in our head come courtesy of our subconscious mind, which has been programmed since the moment of our conception. But without going into the technicality of how our subconscious mind is programmed, what matters is that we make our own reality.
So how do we know when we’re judging things correctly or when our mind is playing tricks? The answer is, we don’t know.
But we can learn to reprogram our subconscious mind. We can deactivate the programs that lead to unhappiness and replace them with uplifting thoughts of love.
How do we reprogram the subconscious mind? The following have worked well for me:
Become aware and inquisitive.
Every time a thought that produces a negative emotion pops into your head, contemplate the origin of this thought and question the validity of it. Remember that beliefs are nothing more than repeated thoughts, so question your beliefs as well.
Feed positive programs to your mind.
Once you’re aware of a negative story in your head, replace it with its positive counterpart.
In my case, I could’ve chosen to think that my friend wasn’t receiving my emails, and called her instead of insisting on sending more emails. I could’ve also assumed the man who asked for money had good intentions, and that my life could actually be good and joyful.
Make your environment positive.
Surround yourself with peaceful, uplifting stimuli. Instead of going out to the bar to yell to be heard and to get drunk, meet up with friends for dinner and make real connections. Instead of watching the disasters in the news, go out for a walk in nature.
Associate with positive people.
Think of your current relationships, and define whether some of those people are feeding negative programs to your subconscious mind. Send the toxic people away from your life, and welcome those who share your values and love you for who you really are.
Changing the crazy thoughts in your head requires attention and practice, but once you’ve made progress, you’ll notice how amazing life turns out to be. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Photo by Marcos Dias
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How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions
“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson
Our 12th floor apartment overlooks Cape Town’s city bowl and harbor. The view is such that even on overcast days I’m drawn to the window each morning to breathe it in.
There’s a sense of being both a part of the world and entirely removed from it when you’re that high up.
It’s how I move through my life too; I’m either immersed in it or off on my own. This contrary nature is not without its challenges, especially when I’m called upon to be one thing when I’m clearly feeling another.
It’s precisely these moments, however, where if I lean forward in spite of my reluctance, that growth occurs.
That’s what happened to me the other morning. I was at the window enjoying the view when I noticed a man lying on the narrow concrete island that separates the two lanes of the busy road below.
His appearance led me to believe he was down on his luck, most likely homeless. I watched as he tried to pull himself into a sitting position. After a few attempts, he eventually gave up and just lay down on his back.
Cape Town has its share of street people, a lot of them with obvious substance abuse issues. As a result, whenever I see someone lying on the ground, I immediately assume they’re passed out from drinking too much.
Watching this man below, I figured him for a drunk too. It’s not a judgment call; alcoholism is an illness like any other. I’m simply pointing out how quick I was to pigeonhole him, and from 12 stories up no less.
Ordinarily, I would simply have gone on with my day, but something compelled me to call the city’s emergency number and ask them to send help. I’m not sure why.
Maybe it was because the man was lying precariously close to a drop that would land him squarely in the face of oncoming traffic if he fell. I don’t know—all I can say is that, in this instance anyway, I couldn’t ignore the fact that a fellow human being needed help. (more…)