Tiny Buddha

Tag: assume

  • Avoid Feeling Bad: How to Stop Taking Things Personally

    Avoid Feeling Bad: How to Stop Taking Things Personally

    “There is a huge amount of freedom that comes when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    Oh man, if I had a dollar for every time I took something personally…

    I’d be rich by now.

    When I quit my corporate job in Paris and took a year off traveling people would often ask me, “So, what’s your plan now?” A normal question to ask, I know. But back then, I usually got offended by that question and other follow-up ones. It made me think that others were judging my decision and questioning my ability to change career paths.

    Or when I was single and people would ask, “So, are you seeing anyone right now?” Again, I’d often assume that they thought less of me if I didn’t have an interesting single life or wasn’t dating someone special.

    Or in the early days of dating my boyfriend, when he wouldn’t have time to talk or see me at times, I’d take it personally and assume the worst. Maybe I had done something to mess everything up. Maybe he didn’t think I was that interesting after all.

    Taking things personally is emotionally draining. It often makes you assume the worst and puts you into the victim corner. Sometimes, of course, it’s worth reflecting on our own behavior, which can help us develop and grow as individuals. But taking things personally, when many times they’re not, just tears down our self-esteem and makes us question ourselves.

    Here are a few ways to stop taking things personally:

    1. Question your negative beliefs.

    When we take things personally, it’s often because we hold a negative belief that is fueling our perception of a situation. For example, if you say “hello” to an acquaintance on the street and get upset because they don’t reply back, you might believe that people who don’t acknowledge you are rude or that they have something against you.

    Look at the limiting belief behind the situation and question it. Maybe they didn’t actually see you. Maybe they didn’t have time to perceive that it was you who passed by. Or maybe they were simply too occupied in their own mind to engage with anyone else.

    Many times, our beliefs make us misinterpret situations negatively and turn them against ourselves. We form negative assumptions and inevitably feel hurt if we don’t take the time to question our thoughts and beliefs.

    2. Don’t assume you know everything.

    When I left my job to travel for a year and get clear on what business to start, I was scared of what others, especially colleagues I respected, would think of me. I simply assumed that they would think I was irresponsible for leaving a good career for… well, I didn’t know yet.

    There was one colleague in particular, who I really looked up to, that I already had assumed judged me for my decision. Whenever she mentioned something about her career, I turned that against myself as a way of confirming “I knew it, she thinks I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

    Then one day, when we were talking about my journey and the choices I had made, she said, “You know Maria, I think you’re so brave. I wish I had the courage to also quit and pursue my own business.” This proved to me that we don’t know what others are thinking about us, even if we think we do. So don’t assume you know everything.

    3. Know that it’s not about you.

    When someone seems harsh or insensitive it’s easy to assume it’s personal. But often, it’s really not. Someone who’s rude to you in traffic might have had a terrible morning. Someone who makes a condescending comment might struggle with their own self-esteem and self-confidence. Someone who’s cold and short in their communication might be really stressed.

    It’s worth reflecting on what we can learn when it comes to things we take personally. In my experience, there’s always a lesson. Try to extract it and then leave the rest.

    For example, when I started a podcast, a friend sent me a picture over Instagram with the message “Women doing podcasts just found a substitute for therapy.” It was supposed to be funny, but it wasn’t to me.

    My learning in that situation was to care more about what I wanted to do instead of one other person’s opinion (or joke). (And I’m happy I’ve continued because, since then, we’ve received so much positive feedback on the podcast!)

    4. Create a counter-story.

    Often, when we take something personally, it’s because it confirms a negative story we have running in the back of our mind. For example, if someone in your family makes a joke or comment about you being messy or having limited cooking skills—and you regularly tell yourself that you’re somehow inferior to others because of these things—you might get offended.

    So, what should you do? Create an empowering counter story. Maybe you’re a bit messy, but so what? You might also be really creative. And maybe you’re not so great at cooking, but you have other skills—for example, you’re the one who always sorts out conflicts between people.

    In short, tell a story that benefits you and remember that we all have flaws, quirks, imperfections, and weaknesses. Needless to say, if you don’t like your behavior, then of course, you have the power to change it. But sometimes you simply need to accept that you are who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    5. Accept that we’re all different (and not everyone needs to like you).

    You might be taking something personally because this gives you a greater chance of getting someone’s approval. If it’s about you, then there’s something you can do about it. If it’s about them, then it’s truly out of your hands, and all you can do is accept that, for whatever reason, they don’t like you or won’t let you in.

    No single person on this planet is liked by everyone. That’s just part of life, for all of us. Instead of trying to change yourself to be liked by someone, shift your focus and ask yourself why you need this person’s approval. Is it that you’re uncomfortable with disapproval in general, or do you want them to like you for other reasons, such as they are a friend of a friend?

    When you identify the root cause of your discomfort with their disapproval, you’ll be able to tell yourself what you need to hear to let it go—for example, that their opinion doesn’t mean anything about you as a person.

    6. Create space between an “offense” and your reaction.

    When we take something personally, it’s easy to lash out in anger, frustration, or pain, which only makes things worse. Before you step into action, try creating some space between the situation and your reaction. Breathe, step away, and allow yourself to calm down before acting out.

    Maybe you interpreted the situation in a negative way. Maybe this person wasn’t judging or being condescending toward you. Maybe there’s something you don’t know about the situation. Try not to react to the situation, but to respond once you have calmed down. Perhaps with a little time and space you’ll recognize your initial conclusions were wrong.

    7. Ask for clarification.

    If you know the person who said or did something that made you feel bad, ask for clarification. What did he or she really mean? What was his or her intention? Many times, we interpret situations negatively. But in my experience, after asking for clarification, we realize the other person didn’t intend to hurt us.

    So instead of letting your thoughts spin off in a negative direction, ask the person to spell out what he or she really meant. You may be surprised by the number of times you learn that you completely misread a situation.

    8. Practice self-compassion.

    This is what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Practicing self-compassion when we’re being hard on ourselves. Because even though someone else might say or do something to offend us, we’re the ones who decide how we let their behavior affect us. We can always choose not to take negative comments to heart or get down on ourselves just because someone else was rude or insensitive.

    Practice saying, “I’m not letting that in” to draw a clear line when you’ve decided not to take something personally.

    Whether you misinterpreted a situation or someone actually was rude to you, you decide whether to invite it in or not. So stand guard to the door of your mind. Keep a high standard and make sure to let in words, thoughts, and beliefs that empower and strengthen you.

  • What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love

    What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love

    “Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.” ~Unknown

    There we were on a Saturday afternoon doing such benign things as running errands at Costco, Trader Joes, and the post office. Excitement galore.

    Yet, it would be a day I came to a major realization, understanding something I already knew in theory but wasn’t putting into practice.

    Here’s the realization: Mind reading in relationships leads to confusion, resentment, frustration, and name-calling.

    I’m not talking about psychic mind reading either! I’m referring to the kind of mind reading that you likely do every day, all the time, likely without even realizing it.

    Mind reading is when you assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling without direct evidence. In other words, you’re assuming their thoughts, beliefs, and intentions (and you’re usually assuming the worst).

    Big mistake.

    What Does Mind Reading Look Like?

    Here’s an example from the day I mentioned at the start of the post: We went to Costco and got a few things, and I asked him if he wanted to grab some sushi for lunch after. “Nope. I’m good” was his reply.

    “Hmmm. Well, thanks for asking me if I’m hungry,” I thought to myself. At this point I was sort of simmering in my own irritation but trying not to think about it.

    I’ve been battling this theory in my mind that no one really cares about me or my needs at all and that everyone else on the planet is selfish twit.

    So, another twenty minutes went by and he said, “We can go grab something small to eat if you want.”

    Cool! I was starving. That red bull on an empty stomach sure didn’t help.

    We needed to drop off the stuff at home first. As I was putting our groceries in the fridge, I pulled out two leftover sausages and threw them up on the counter to dump in the trash. We needed room and they looked icky.

    He immediately grabbed the sausage and a plate and started cutting them into pieces.

    I was mortified and pissed. What the hell????

    All I could think to myself is, “He doesn’t care about me or if I’m hungry. He’s hungry, so he’s going to eat and he’s going to do what he wants like he always does. Jerk.”

    My mind leapt right to it. I went right to assuming bad intentions and to assuming he doesn’t care about me or my needs. Quite a leap from him eating two sausages, I know.

    But instead of saying, “I’m hungry. I thought we were going to go eat. What’s up?” I yelled at him and blurted out, “It seems like you don’t care about me and the fact that I’m hungry, and you’re going to do what you want and you only care about yourself and you’re being a selfish jerk.”

    Oooops.

    What’s the Truth?

    His response was to look at me like a deer in headlights because he had absolutely no idea what I was getting so mad about, why I was yelling, or why he was suddenly a selfish jerk.

    At first, I was happy with myself. I had told him my feelings, right? I had stood up for myself. I had told him how I felt instead of pretending I wasn’t mad and always letting everything be okay. This was good, right?

    Actually, no, it wasn’t good.

    I had to stomp around for a while and simmer down, but as time went on, I realized we needed to resolve the issue, so I calmly asked him if he understood why I was upset.

    Of course, he didn’t. I tried to explain my side and where I was coming from and how my feelings were hurt by his insensitivity, but as he kept talking, I concluded that the issue wasn’t him being selfish. The issue was that I misunderstood him. I assumed he was being selfish. I inferred negative behavior toward him when all he wanted was a sausage.

    The truth is he thought I was putting the sausage up there for him to eat. He would eat the two sausage, still be hungry, and then we’d go have lunch. No harm. No foul.

    The poor guy thought he was doing what I wanted him to do and instead I called him names. My bad.

    I realized that my natural inclination to think that people are out to get me (which stems from childhood sexual abuse) is a problem, and that it’s my job to curtail this problem and stop acting out on it. I may feel a certain way, but that doesn’t make those feelings true.

    I need to be more careful about assuming the worst in my partner, and I need to be better at communicating my feelings more effectively (that’s an entirely different post).

    What to Do Instead of Assuming the Worst

    If you can relate to my story, first, you should try to remember that most people have good intentions. We all act to increase pleasure and avoid pain, and very few people go out with the intention to hurt you. Even when people do hurt you, they are likely still acting with good intentions for themselves rather than bad intention toward you.

    This doesn’t mean you put up with an abuser or a toxic relationship. It means when you are in a relationship with someone who cares but doesn’t always get it right according to your grand plan of the way the world should be, you stop assuming their intentions (especially if they’re negative), you give them the benefit of the doubt, and when in doubt, you ask.

    If you go around assuming the worst about your partner, you’ll get the worst.

    If you assume your partner doesn’t care about you, then you’ll end up with someone who doesn’t care about you.

    If you assume you know what your partner is thinking, think again.

    If you assume your partner knows what you’re thinking, think again.

    We go around assuming everyone else lives in our model of the world, and that’s just ridiculous. You have your childhood, your life experiences, your intelligence, your beliefs, and your emotional make-up, and everyone else has theirs.

    What we need is more compassion and understanding, and less mind reading and negativity.

    The truth is our entire argument (one-sided though it was) was based on a miscommunication and misunderstanding of the facts in evidence. The only true facts were 1. I put sausage out on the counter and 2. He started cutting up the sausage.

    Everything else was a complete assumption on my part.

    So, think about it next time you get upset with your partner. Do the facts support your belief(s), or are you assuming you know how they feel or why they’re acting the way they are? Are you assuming the worst of them, or are you assured that they care but maybe just suck at showing it the way you expect it?

    Only you have the power to control your thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Only you can seek to create a harmonious rather than a contentious relationship.

  • Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

    Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

    Couple in love

    “Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

    I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

    “Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

    “Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?

    “Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.

    A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.

    These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.

    Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.

    What did that say about me?

    Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.

    Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.

    We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.

    But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.

    “I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.

    “Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.

    “I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.

    None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.

    Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.

    “Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”

    At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.

    It wasn’t him; it was me.

    All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.

    My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.

    In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.

    Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.

    It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.

    He always freely gave it.

    He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.

    The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.

    He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.

    The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.

    How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions

    1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they’ve done.

    Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.

    2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.

    If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.

    3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.

    “I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.

    It will take some time to train yourself from overthinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.

    —

    Editor’s Note: Betsy has generously offered to give away two copies of her new book Married with Luggage: What We Learned about Love by Traveling the World. To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, Monday, April 28th.

    Update: The winners have been chosen: ccrgirl and Joy Olson.

    Photo by Peti Morgan

  • Stop Assuming the Worst: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality

    Stop Assuming the Worst: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality

    Open Arms

    “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” ~Buddha

    My morning bicycle ride had been uneventful until I spotted a small lump in the middle of the bike path. It wasn’t a twig, a dead mouse, or a smelly “gift” from a dog, which are some of the most common sightings during my rides.

    It was a perfect, intact slice of bread.

    In a nanosecond, my mind created several versions of how this piece of bread had ended up where it was.

    I pictured a young mother pushing a stroller and her two-year-old tossing the bread out to the side. But no one in her right mind would give a whole slice of bread without butter or jam to a picky toddler.

    “Well,” I said to myself, “Maybe this was the woman’s first child, and she had no clue what to feed little children.” Now, this woman’s poor choices had resulted in perfectly good food being wasted.

    My mind then traveled to countries where a good slice of bread (or any kind of food) is very hard to find, and I started to feel anger.

    That’s when a voice inside told me, “There you go again, making up stories in your head.” I chuckled at my crazy imagination. And that’s when it hit me: We all create stories in our head, and many of these stories make our lives miserable.

    I used to be a pro at assuming the worst.

    I remember being upset that a friend seemed to be ignoring me and hadn’t returned my emails, until I realized I had been sending the messages to her old (and inactive) address.

    I recall the time I paid an evening visit to Wal-Mart, and when I spotted a man running in my direction in the parking lot, I thought I was going to be attacked. The man only wanted to ask for a couple of dollars because his motorcycle had run out of gas.

    I remember a time in my life in which all the pieces were falling perfectly into place, and instead of rejoicing in the moment, I wondered when the next disaster would happen because life couldn’t be so good.

    The stories in our head come courtesy of our subconscious mind, which has been programmed since the moment of our conception. But without going into the technicality of how our subconscious mind is programmed, what matters is that we make our own reality.

    So how do we know when we’re judging things correctly or when our mind is playing tricks? The answer is, we don’t know.

    But we can learn to reprogram our subconscious mind. We can deactivate the programs that lead to unhappiness and replace them with uplifting thoughts of love.

    How do we reprogram the subconscious mind? The following have worked well for me:

    Become aware and inquisitive.

    Every time a thought that produces a negative emotion pops into your head, contemplate the origin of this thought and question the validity of it. Remember that beliefs are nothing more than repeated thoughts, so question your beliefs as well.

    Feed positive programs to your mind.

    Once you’re aware of a negative story in your head, replace it with its positive counterpart.

    In my case, I could’ve chosen to think that my friend wasn’t receiving my emails, and called her instead of insisting on sending more emails. I could’ve also assumed the man who asked for money had good intentions, and that my life could actually be good and joyful.

    Make your environment positive.

    Surround yourself with peaceful, uplifting stimuli. Instead of going out to the bar to yell to be heard and to get drunk, meet up with friends for dinner and make real connections. Instead of watching the disasters in the news, go out for a walk in nature.

    Associate with positive people.

    Think of your current relationships, and define whether some of those people are feeding negative programs to your subconscious mind. Send the toxic people away from your life, and welcome those who share your values and love you for who you really are.

    Changing the crazy thoughts in your head requires attention and practice, but once you’ve made progress, you’ll notice how amazing life turns out to be. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

    Photo by Marcos Dias

  • Assume the Best

    Assume the Best

    Smiling

    “We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.” ~Unknown

    You can never truly know someone else’s intentions.

    If a coworker offers to cover your shift, she may be trying to ease your stress—or she could be vying for your job. If your sister-in-law offers to pay for your meal, she may want to help you out during tough times—of she could be trying to remind you that you’re inferior.

    You can always find a negative assumption that allows you to believe the worst in people. Or you can give that person the benefit of the doubt and believe they have your best interests at heart.

    When you assume someone is being kind and not selfish, you may occasionally be wrong, but for the most part you’ll feel appreciative and peaceful with the people in your life. The alternative is to believe people are bad, seek and find proof everywhere, and walk around feeling bitter and critical.

    When you have no proof, it’s a judgment call: assume the best and feel good and grateful, or assume the worst and feel bad and suspicious. (more…)