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Tag: appreciate
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A Simple Practice to Appreciate Our Bodies, Flaws and All
“Who does not thank for little does not thank for much.” ~Estonian Proverb
I remember the moment so well: I had been seeing a new guy for a few months and I was staying the night for the first time. Up until that point he hadn’t seen me without heavy makeup, as I was careful to always look completely put together while with him.
That night I had to make a decision.
I could fall asleep with my makeup still on, or I could remove it first. Did I feel comfortable enough to let him see me without foundation, eyeliner, or mascara? Would he still like me?
For many people this might not be a tough decision to make (and truly, I have nothing against makeup or those who wear it), but for over a decade I had worried constantly about anyone seeing me without. I had over a decade of time to build up unhealthy attitudes about my appearance.
Any time I spent the night away from home, from trips and staying with friends to dating, I would get up around 5am to redo my makeup and get back into bed before “waking up.”
It was exhausting, but the only way I felt comfortable around other people. Going to the beach or the pool was a real struggle.
I remember this particular moment so strongly because when he saw me the only thing he said was “you look so different.”
The comment itself wasn’t outwardly negative, but I also noticed his body language and the look on his face. Let’s just say it didn’t make me feel supported, or beautiful, or seen. It simply made me feel sad.
Moving Past Crippling Self-Criticism
Sometimes I feel gratitude for that moment, the weight of my own insecurity so heavy that I knew there was a choice to make.
Would I repeat this scenario again and again in each new relationship, holding my breath and expecting the worst in that critical moment? Or would I learn to truly accept myself first, as I was?
Not long after, I stopped wearing makeup completely.
I had significant difficulty at first, to be honest. I was so used to feeling put together and confident. No makeup left me feeling depressed and deeply unattractive, as I was struggling with significant acne at the time.
I even had trouble looking up from the ground while I walked, as I was so afraid to be seen.
I remember thinking to myself during this time have faith, have faith, have faith.
And then one morning I was drawn to stand in front of the mirror and place one hand on my stomach and the other hand over my heart. I took a deep breath and said to my body, Thank you for taking care of me.
Then I touched the skin of my cheeks to feel their warmth and said, Thank you for your resilience.
Then my hands, my fingers, my wrists: Thank you for your strength.
And finally my throat, saying, Thank you for your truth.
I ended the practice with a simple thank you. I love you.
A Shift in Perspective
Whenever my critical eye began to get the best of me, I’d return to the mirror.
Thank you. I love you.
The most powerful part of the exercise for me has always been the element of touch.
I’ve always found it so easy to briefly glance in the mirror and only see what I dislike. My flaws become harder to see when I feel the strong beat of my heart and the muscles beneath my skin that make my life as I know it possible. A pimple doesn’t seem as important when my chest rises and falls beneath my hand during a powerful breath.
I still have mornings when I wake up and am not pleased with what I see in the mirror. However, I now also have mornings when I feel complete gratitude for what my body allows me to do and who I’m able to be.
I now have mornings when I look at my eyes in the mirror and instead of seeing pale eyelashes I see kindness. I see courage and determination.
Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for your resilience.
It’s incredibly easy to be critical of ourselves, and so incredibly vulnerable to embrace our bodies, acne and all.
The next time you feel insecure, try reconnecting to yourself with a simple touch. Touch reinvigorates us with the energy that runs through our veins, our skin, our organs.
Thank you for your strength.
Place one hand over your heart and the other on your stomach and breathe in and out, feeling the healing impact of your breath on your body.
Thank you for your truth.
Stay there for several breaths, eyes open or closed.
When you’re ready, say thank you.
When you’re ready, I love you.
Sunset silhouette via Shutterstock
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Holiday Love Challenge #11: Create Positive Energy
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Now Is the Time to Appreciate Each Other and Enjoy Life
“If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you’d want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So don’t be afraid. Be alive.” ~Sarah Dessen
It was beginning to get dark. Lightning streaked across the cloudy sky above the ocean. The full force of the wind took the breath out of me as my eyes squinted from the heavy rainfall.
Waves rolled in to crash down in front of me, as if the ocean was screaming at me.
“Turn around, human. Go home!”
“Maybe I should,” I thought. “What am I doing out here in this extreme winter weather?”
But my intention returned. The news I had received that day continued to stir at the back of my mind. And so, I moved forward.
The water was ice cold as the waves smashed against my legs. I moved forward.
Just as I thought I could bear no more, I submerged myself underwater. The sounds and sensations shifted as I merged with the ocean for a brief moment. And then I resurfaced to brave the magnificent storm.
In this moment, I felt so alive!
I had awoken to the reality of life—that there is only one thing that holds us to this world. A heartbeat.
Earlier that day I had received news that my friend, Nick, had tragically and unexpectedly passed away. His heartbeat no longer held him to this world.
How fragile we truly are. Yet living this truth is where we truly fail.
My ocean swim in extreme winter weather was a way to remember that I had a heartbeat; that I was alive. It was a reminder that all those I know and care about are mortal, fragile, and finite.
Why had I ignored this truth? Why had I lived my life to this point in safe denial?
Reflecting back on this experience, I have come to realize that when we lose someone, it temporarily shifts our internal compass of reality.
It points us home, toward what some people call our “higher self,” “inner wisdom,” or put simply, our raw humanity.
These lessons we learn from loss are valuable reminders for our own personal growth. They serve as road signs that lead the way back to our own humanity, which we so easily lose touch with in today’s society.
In finding my own way back to humanity on that stormy night at the beach, my first road sign pointed toward letting go of judgments.
Too often we form negative judgments about people based on their mistakes and choices we don’t agree with, and in doing so can’t see the best in them. What a selfish person! What a rude person! How could he do that!
We create generalizations that cut us off from the people around us. We zoom in on these judgmental labels and before we know it, it’s too late to appreciate the people in our lives.
I knew my friend who passed as a casual acquaintance for six years. Sometimes I thought he partied too hard. There were times where he even got into trouble with the law.
Yet, there were so many things I could have appreciated more by simply looking beyond my judgments.
He was friendly and known by so many. He had a great sense of humor and was extremely fun to be around.
His energy and zest for life were contagious. Although he had never been employed, I really admired his courage to live a satisfying life in his own way without worrying what others thought. But I never told him while he was alive because I was too busy judging his choices. And now I’ll never have the chance.
Which judgments are getting in the way of connecting with people in your life? What would you appreciate about them if you knew your time with them was limited?
My second road sign back to humanity pointed toward appreciating the present moment. Too often we sleepwalk through life, lost in our own minds with endless thinking. Many times we’re not even present in what we’re doing.
If you’ve ever taken a shower and realized that you can’t remember whether you have already washed your hair, you will know what I am talking about.
Perhaps you’ve taken a walk on the beach on a sunny afternoon, but spent the whole time gazing at the ground lost in thoughts about the day.
The present moment? Before you know it, it’s gone.
Appreciating the present moment is as simple as noticing the sensations and experiences around you.
My spontaneous ocean swim allowed me to feel the heavy rainfall on my skin, the sheer force of the wind and waves against my body, and the exhilaration of submerging myself into the ice-cold water.
What are the things that make you feel alive? What prevents you from fully enjoying those things, and what can you do to start experiencing them more mindfully?
Oscar Wilde, a nineteenth century Irish writer, remarked that “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
I encourage you to go beyond simply existing. Appreciate the present moment and completely savor the experience. Because that’s what we are all here for, right?
In sharing my lessons from loss, I hoped that you too will remember that there is only one thing that holds us to this world: a heartbeat.
Let this truth guide you in your actions every day, and be mindful of life lessons that serve as reminders.
The moments we have are small grains of sand in an infinitely trickling universe; take time each day to enjoy the present moment before it trickles away.
The people in our lives are drops in an endless ocean that forever ebbs and flows; take time each day to appreciate them before the waves carry them away.
Friends making heart symbol image via Shutterstock
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19 Simple Daily Habits for a Happier Life
“Hug harder. Laugh louder. Smile bigger. Love longer.” ~Unknown
Did you ever have it all mixed up?
Happiness, I mean. I once thought that a university degree and good grades would make me happy. I thought that traveling the world would leave me feeling fulfilled. I thought that moving abroad and getting that top-notch job would make me satisfied and content.
They all did, but only for a while. They always came with an expiration date.
Finally, I had to stop and ask myself, “If I’m not able to be truly happy now, will I ever be?” If I couldn’t appreciate everything I already had in my life, would more really be the answer?
No.
Then I thought, “If happiness is what I want, why not take a shortcut and go there directly?”
So, I did. I stopped putting it on hold. I stopped allowing external circumstances to dictate how I felt. And I stopped relying on illusionary destinations of promised happiness and bliss.
What I realized is that happiness doesn’t happen by chance–it happens by choice. It’s a skill that anyone can develop with the right habits.
19 Happiness Habits That Could Change Your Life
1. Appreciate more.
This morning I woke up feeling appreciative of my bed, my incredible friends, and my mom for being the rock in my life. Appreciation feeds happiness. It highlights and gives value to what matters in our life. And the more you appreciate, the more you’ll find things to be appreciative of.
When waking up and going to sleep, remind yourself of three things you currently appreciate in your life.
2. Energize yourself every morning.
Mornings set the tone for the rest of the day. A good morning routine leaves you feeling centered, energized, and ready to take on the world.
Meditate, do yoga, write a list of everything you love, watch inspirational YouTube videos, or listen to your favorite song before leaving the house. Simply, set yourself up for a great day!
3. Practice acceptance.
Things don’t always go as planned. I used to get frustrated when plans changed or when the bus arrived late. But resisting never changed anything; instead, it just sent me into a downward spiral. When I started accepting whatever happened, I relieved myself from unnecessary suffering.
Start practicing acceptance. Adjust to the new situation, without fueling it with negative emotions.
4. Live in the present.
This is where it all happens, the present moment. It’s the only place where you can experience happiness (or anything else for that matter). It’s the only place worth being. It might sound obvious, but realizing this was life changing for me. In the present I think better, feel better, and act better.
Whenever you enter a new place, use your five senses—sound, sight, touch, smell and taste—to find more nowness.
5. Listen attentively.
Listen with focus and compassion. Give people the gift of your full attention. This is a powerful source of happiness, as it creates strong bonds between people and places you in the now.
Whether it’s your colleague, partner, or a complete stranger on the street, decide to be more present in all your conversations.
6. Save money to invest in memories.
Material things might satisfy us short term, but experiences are what makes us happy long term. For the past year I’ve barely bought anything new. Instead, I’ve used that money to travel. Just thinking about the beach parties in the Caribbean, those sunny days in Central Park, and that festival in Ibiza puts a ridiculously big smile on my face.
Buy only things you need or fall head-over-heels in love with. Then, use that extra money for experiences that will make you go “Aaah,” “Ohhh,” and “Wow” when you think back of them.
7. Make new friends.
Many of us stop making friends after the age of twenty. Make new friends and you’ll grow as a person, be exposed to new experiences, and have a rich social life.
Have a friendly conversation with a stranger and maybe you make a new friend. Maybe it’s for five minutes, or maybe it’s for a lifetime.
8. Dream big.
Dreams are good; they propel us forward. They enliven our heart, awaken our mind, and give us reasons for living. Allow yourself to dream big and trust that it can become a reality for you.
Dedicate at least five minutes every day to be swept into your dream life. Make it as real as possible: visualize and create the feelings of being, doing and having all that you want.
9. Take steps toward your dream.
Now, does your present look like the future you’re dreaming of? If not, put more time and energy on what you want to see grow.
Take small steps every day to elevate you toward what you want. Tiny steps all add up.
10. Develop a mindset of abundance, not scarcity.
How we experience the world depends solely on our perception of it. When you live in lack, you protect and hoard. When you give away, you signal that you have more than enough for yourself.
Don’t feel like you get enough love? Give love to someone else. Don’t feel like you make enough money? Give money to someone else in need.
11. Take time to re-charge.
Even though we live in a society that fosters us to do more, be more, give more, and have more, we need time to re-charge. We need to fuel ourselves with energy. Take short breaks, and why not a power nap?
What doesn’t get planned usually doesn’t get done, so make sure to plan for downtime.
12. Make time to play.
Living isn’t a duty. You didn’t come here to fix something that’s broken or to complete a to-do list. You came for the fun of it, for the exhilaration and magic of being alive.
Set aside at least fifteen minutes every day for fun-time and make that time non-negotiable.
13. Be around happy people.
Attitudes are contagious. If someone’s smiling at you, you’ll probably smile. If someone is rude, then you’ll probably be rude back. Only hang out with people whose attitude you want to catch.
If happy people aren’t near, go online and watch videos with awesome-attitude people such as Marie Forleo, Tony Robbins and Regena Thomashauer (Mama Gena).
14. Move slowly.
Lao Tzu said, “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” Faster doesn’t mean better. Busier doesn’t mean exceeding. Don’t rush through life.
Slow down. Put your heart and energy into what you’re doing and focus on that (and only that).
15. Actively soothe yourself.
What matters isn’t what happens in our lives, but how we choose to deal with it. To make better decisions, we need to become our own lifeguard and sooth ourselves from negative thoughts.
When I feel bad I usually go running, meditate, or write a list of everything I love about my life. Practice different techniques until you find some that work for you.
16. Let go.
Letting go isn’t always easy, but it’s the only way new and better things can come along. When we let go of something, we come to a peace of mind. The struggle is over and new ideas and perspectives can begin to open up.
Practice letting go of what doesn’t serve you, such as complaining, comparing yourself to others, negativity, and mistakes from the past or worries about the future.
17. Forgive often.
Maybe someone was late, maybe someone was rude, or maybe someone forgot to call you back. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse behavior; it frees you from it. It releases resentment and other negative emotions tied to a person or a situation.
Make a habit of forgiving people, even for the smallest of things.
18. Attend to the real world.
Smartphones, tablets, and laptops are constantly screaming for our attention to the world of social media. The digital world is supposed to be a complement to our real life, not the other way around.
So, take time to be present where you physically are (the Facebook status update can wait).
19. Care for yourself.
Our body, mind, and soul are connected. Make a change in one of them and you change the state of all three. Isn’t that nice to know?
Do something every day to improve your overall state of well-being, such as preparing a good meal, exercising, or watching a good movie. And know that caring for yourself is caring for the world.
Claim Your Happiness Once And For All
Not being in charge of your happiness is frustrating. Relying on external events and circumstances to be in a certain way in order to feel good is a recipe for misery. Because, when life doesn’t go as planned or things fall apart, so does our happiness.
Happiness isn’t about having all the pieces in place. It isn’t about having a problem-free life or reaching a certain goal or objective. Instead, it’s about being able to enjoy where you are, no matter what.
Don’t leave your happiness to chance. Choose to claim it. Live the life you deserve to live.
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3 Words That Can Change Your Perspective and Your Life
“Sometimes a change of perspective is all it takes to see the light.” ~Dan Brown
It was a cold January morning in California when a woman living on the streets uttered three words that forever altered my life.
It started with my alarm blaring its wake-up call at 6:15AM. I had a Kundalini yoga class at 7:00, but I wanted nothing more than to hit the snooze button. I did. Four times.
Lying in bed with drowsy eyes open, I silently whined, “Do I have to go? I don’t wanna… Why did I sign up for this?” I was in full resistance when I finally got up and forced myself out the door.
Rushing to the yoga studio, with my mat under my arm and an unenthusiastic attitude in tow, I crossed the path of a woman on crutches.
She had a missing leg and was clearly homeless; but rather than ask for money or food, she pointed a finger at me, smiled, and asked, “You going to yoga?”
“Yes,” I replied.
Her smile got bigger before she said, “Good for you. You’re lucky.” She continued on her way, but her words, so direct and honest, crippled me momentarily.
In that moment, I realized something big. Something life-changing big. I am lucky. I don’t have to go to yoga; I get to go. Those three words—I get to—completely changed how I experience life.
It wasn’t a fell-swoop change. It took effort and time. It took me being aware of my perspective, even catching myself in the backslide. I learned that if we’ve chosen to do something, there’s a good reason why; there’s something we’ll gain from it, even if we can’t see what that is. Yet.
After that day I saw how much I categorized things in my life. There was the “have to’s” and the “should’s.”
And when I lived from that perspective—the one of obligation—it completely stripped me of the fulfillment of all the things, even those I disguised as should’s, that are actually extraordinary blessings. They are things I want to experience, do, and learn.
Not only that, I was the one who chose to go to yoga in the first place. It’s crazy how all of a sudden my choice had become something that was being forced upon me.
There are benefits in the choices and decisions we make. And in those moments of have-to’s and should’s, we can shift into an attitude of get-to, which will transform our experience of those moments to being one of choice and a blessing.
Also seeing everything in life as a ‘get to’ has us focus on the positive benefits. You can apply those three powerful words—I get to—to any experience you feel resistant about. When you do, the resistance turn into liberation.
Up until that life-altering day, I had been feeling like this beautiful privilege of practicing yoga was something that was being forced upon me like so many other things in life. But really, I was lucky to get to wake up in a warm bed, and lucky to get to walk myself into the yoga studio with two working legs and a healthy body to do my sacred practice.
Often, we reserve luck to coincidences and random acts, like winning the lottery. But each of us is lucky, in our own right.
We can apply this same shift of thinking even when there is something that can feel challenging, like working a double shift on a Saturday.
That double shift doesn’t have to be the thing we grumble about; rather, it can be the thing we appreciate. That shift we get to do on a Saturday means we have a job and money to live.
While those three words can often shift your attitude to one of gratitude, it can’t fix everything.
There are some things in life we just have to endure—like being there for a loved one who’s fighting cancer—and that’s okay. We’re only human. Our experiences are never black or white but always a varying shade of alive.
It’s been about a year since that encounter on the sidewalk, and my world has shifted. In the big-big way. In the way that matters.
Living from a place of “I get to” and forgiving myself when I slip, which I’m happy to say has become pretty rare, has lessened my inner resistance and created deep fulfillment and possibilities I wouldn’t have seen before.
I now wake up with more vibrancy and gratitude, reminding myself of all that I get to do, get to be, get to know. Lucky me.
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How to Find Joy in Every Day (Even the Hard Ones)
“Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~Unknown
It’s the question we’re all trying to answer: What is happiness and how do we get it? We fill our lives with the busyness of searching for happiness in many things, yet it’s possible that the very pursuit is taking us further away from the goal.
I spent many years following society’s recipe for happiness.
I was settled with my partner, climbing the career ladder, dining out, buying clothes, and planning nice holidays, but I was so busy chasing happiness, I missed out on moments of joy.
Everyone is so busy these days. It gives us our sense of self-worth; if we’re busy, we’re successful, we’re accomplishing things, we’re important, and we’re needed.
As a result we can often be too busy to notice if we are happy, and potential moments of joy pass us by.
We think happiness arrives at a point in the future when our lives become perfect, with a backdrop of fireworks and fanfare, without any disasters or annoyances. But happiness generally doesn’t come in the form of winning the lottery or marrying from Brad Pitt. It’s often more subtle and smaller.
For example: a sunny day at the beach, your favorite slippers, lying in the arms of the one you love on a lazy Sunday morning—it’s all happiness. We just need to learn to recognize it, appreciate it, and cultivate it.
Brené Brown puts it well in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments—often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments.”
Happiness is not about a final destination of pure perfection, but more about a journey through life, with moments of perfection sprinkled throughout, if we just stop to notice them.
So how do we find those moments within our own lives and ensure we can get more of them to create a life full of happiness?
There are two main ingredients for experiencing joy every day. The first is living in the present.
How can we be joyful if we’re too busy worrying about the future or going over the past? And how can we be joyful if we’re too busy?
Take time to smell the roses and be in the now; that’s where the joy is.
People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, and all their lives for happiness, but by the same token if we are always rushing to get to the next place, we can’t take time to enjoy where we are.
The second ingredient for happiness is gratitude. If we appreciate all that we’re fortunate to have, rather than spending our time and energy going after what we don’t have, we’ll experience more joy.
In our consumer-driven society, we’ve put too much emphasis on having many things—bigger houses, better cars, the latest in fashion.
It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking that if you have something you want, you’ll be happier with more. And we struggle in the modern world with debt, obesity, and addiction as a result of this mantra.
We are also prone to comparing ourselves with others and wanting what they have (their house, salary, partner, looks). These are surefire ways to extinguish our gratitude and rob us of our happiness.
There’s always joy to be found, even in the mundane moments of the day, and we can tap into this by being more present.
Next time you’re sitting in a traffic jam, rather than becoming resentful of the delay or whisked away in a daydream, why not take a moment to see what you can appreciate?
Maybe it’s the nature outside, the sound of the birds, the sun shining, or just the fact you have a car to drive in and somewhere to be going.
I hate winter. I even travel to the other side of the world each year to avoid it. But even on the coldest, wettest, darkest days, I can find joy.
Maybe it’s the feel of my cozy, warm bed sheets, or being curled up by the fire with the cat and a good book, or the clean crisp look of the landscape after the first snowfall.
I try to find something to be grateful for every day, even if this is just breathing clean air, being alive, being healthy, or having an abundance of food.
There are so many people worse off than we are, but we often overlook the small things that others would be so grateful for.
I’ve also uncovered joy from “happy lists”—lists of all the small things you like to do that make you happy. It’s important to find time to do these things often. It may be a walk on the beach, listening to your favorite music, having a hot bath, or sitting in the garden with a cup of tea.
As Robert Brault said, “Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
Rather than waiting for happiness to arrive, I’ve changed my perspective to realize that it had been there all along; I just hadn’t noticed. If we look hard enough, we can find moments of joy in every day. Or, if the day is a particularly bad one, reach for your happy list and create your own joy.
Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock
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Be Fully Present with Your Loved Ones While You Have the Chance
“Before someone’s tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today.” ~Michelle C. Ustaszeski
One day after being on a spiritual path for many years, I stood in my art studio, happy to be creating a new painting. Content in my life, I was married to a great guy and raising two young boys that brought me so much joy.
My life was perfect. Well, not exactly, but I definitely had moments of thinking it was, and this happened to be one of those moments.
I had come a long way. Gone were the constant “what if’s” and the fear that I was going to get that phone call that someone got hurt, or worse. I could now put things into a larger framework. I was no longer stuck in my own jail with my fear and self-limiting thoughts. I had risen above all of that.
Dusk no longer brought me down, even Sunday nights were fine. I used to get melancholy every Sunday evening. I had figured out that I was the problem. I learned to allow more good into my life, and had many revelations that changed my energy into a more positive one. I reinvented myself.
A few years prior, my dad had a heart attack, and he vowed to take better care of himself so he would be here for many more years with his family. The doctor gave him twelve years with his new valves, and we like to think all our prayers gave him five more.
Those five extra years were truly a gift, as he and my mom moved to Henderson and spent time with my brother and sisters who lived nearby with their families. My twin sister and I would drive from Los Angeles at least once a month with our families, and he enjoyed his grandchildren and loved that we all saw each other as often as we did.
He especially loved Christmas. Every Christmas Eve we would make our traditional fish and pasta dinner. I always looked forward to spending the day together shopping for the food and then preparing it for that very special evening.
Hands down the most important day of the year was Christmas Eve, and when the whole family came together, it was magical.
My Dad had a pretty tough exterior. His nickname was Muggy, and boy did he live up to it. He was a handsome man with Italian dark skin and beautiful green eyes, a flash of white teeth, when he threw you that half smile. He was a pretty tough guy with a quick to anger demeanor.
I was one of four girls that were all of dating age, and he made any boys who would come to pick us up really uneasy. I always felt uncomfortable introducing them, as there would be some sort of Godfather music playing in my mind through the awkward moments till I could flee the house to freedom and breathe again.
A friend of mine referred to him as Al Capone and I had to give him that, as I would watch him drive down the street, his fedora tilted the way he always wore it, a cigarette dangling off his lower lip.
I, however, was not intimidated by him, because I knew the real man, the interior that was kind and gentle and as soft as a teddy bear.
As I became a young adult, and went out on my own, our relationship stayed strong.
My father was one of my best friends. He was on speed-dial, and my go-to person when I needed someone to talk to. He was there for me financially when things weren’t that great. He was my rock and my safety net and I would share everything with him, the good news and the bad.
He would yell for my mom to pick up the other line if it was important (and then get annoyed that he couldn’t hear me, because she talked over him). He would ask me are you gonna make me laugh, or are you gonna make me cry? I guess I was always calling to either complain or share a funny story.
My father called me every morning, and no matter what I was doing I picked up and spoke to him. I cherished our morning talks and worried about one day losing him.
A horrible divorce from my first husband led me to a new life path that would take me on a journey that, well, I’m still on.
I read The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie, then I read every spiritual book I could get my hands on. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, and The Power of Now blew me away, as it was all I needed to finally escape my dark fears about death and the worry about my dad.
When I married again, my dad was there to support me along with my beautiful mom, and they were there for the birth of both of my sons.
So, back to the moment in the art studio…
After hanging up from my morning call from my dad, I reflected on the idea that with all I read, and all that I now understand, I would be okay if something happened to him. That my spiritual journey had guided me to this very moment in time.
I repeated the sentence in my head: I would be okay if something happened to him.
As I stood there in that sunlit room, I could hear the words ringing in my head, ringing with the power of truth that this truly was the gift.
The gift of emotional and spiritual maturity to handle what was soon to be my dad’s last Christmas with us.
A few weeks later, on Christmas night, after we all had dinner together. My dad wasn’t feeling well and went home earlier than usual.
That’s the night we got the phone call, the call that I spent my whole adult life worrying about. My last Christmas with Dad, my last morning call from my best friend.
The loss of my father was beyond words for me, but if we can live in each moment, we can stay strong and realize that we are okay when loved ones leave this earth.
I was gifted precious years with him and enjoyed every phone call, every visit, and celebrated all of the time I shared with him.
Of course I grieved, and I still miss him every day, but what I realized was that we do have the strength needed to carry on with our happy lives. That we were blessed to have them while they were here and that we are better for having known them, for their memories live forever in our hearts.
We never know when we will lose someone so dear to us; it’s easier to accept the inevitability of loss when we can look back without regrets. Be fully present with your loved ones while you have the chance. Not everyone gets the gift of five more years, even if you pray for them.
Happy people image via Shutterstock
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Thanking the Thankless: A Little Praise Can Go a Long Way
“The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.” ~Dalai Lama
The school bus driver that I had throughout elementary and middle school was invariably grouchy. She was gruff and intimidating; she had a look affixed to her face that could best be described as a perma-scowl. As far as I could tell, all of the kids on the bus were afraid of her.
And so it perplexed me each year on the last day before Christmas break when my mom handed me a box of chocolates for me to give to my bus driver as a gift. But she’s so mean, I’d think to myself. Still, I followed my mom’s directions.
The first time I handed the bus driver those chocolates, she was totally surprised by my mom’s thoughtfulness, and I was left awestruck by the unfamiliar grin on her face. Her hardened exterior seemed to melt right in front of me.
Each year after that, I came to look forward to the occasion when I could see my bus driver transformed into a smiling, grateful, pleasant person—and to know that my mom’s kindness sparked that reaction in her.
Over the years, I began to understand what my mom already knew—that this bus driver wasn’t really a mean person. She was just somebody under a lot of stress from working a difficult and thankless job.
In college, I worked briefly as a customer service representative at a call center for a popular television provider. Never before had I realized how degrading people can be when they are frustrated, and how they may take it out on the first person they speak to.
My boyfriend, who also worked at the call center, was once called a terrorist by a guy who was unhappy with his bill. But no matter how irate any given customer was, when the conversation ended we had only a few seconds before the next call came in and we’d go through the process again with somebody else.
Stressful as they were to me back then, I know that the jobs I’ve held barely register on the scale of difficult work done by a multitude of employees with thankless jobs. I couldn’t last longer than a few months at the call center, though I knew workers who were there for years, working hard to provide for their families.
When we stop to think about it, it’s easy to see how many people work to make our lives better and easier. Just think about buying your groceries, as an example. There are farmers that grow our food, truck drivers who haul our food to the store, stockers who arrange the food on shelves, and cashiers who ring it up.
Once you get started, it’s difficult to stop thinking of people who work to improve our lives.
The teachers who taught us to look at life in a new way. The librarian who introduced us to our favorite books—the books we turn to when we need insight or a little pick-me-up. The mail carrier who delivers the birthday card from your grandmother.
The nurse who calls you back with the test results. The musician who wrote the song that pumps you up with enough swagger to nail that job interview or to ask out that guy. The booth attendant who sells you cotton candy at the fair (because, hey, it’s cotton candy!).
The bus driver who made sure you got to elementary school safely.
One day a few years ago, while reading Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, I was reminded of my mom’s empathy towards my former bus driver.
Chopra writes that when he was a child, he was taught to never go to anyone’s house without bringing them a gift—even if the gift was simply a note, a compliment, a smile, or words of thanks.
Chopra expands upon his childhood lesson, encouraging readers to “make a decision that any time you come into contact with anyone” that we should give them something.
Later that day while waiting in line at the grocery store, I began to think about how many people that grocery cashier sees on any given day. Some customers are friendly while others don’t seem to even acknowledge that the person behind the cash register is an actual human being.
Then I thought about how this particular cashier seemed to go above and beyond. He was always helpful and friendly. He asked if people needed assistance to their car.
Once I even saw him at the store without his uniform, seemingly on his off-day, adjusting the mats in the doorway so that they were easier for others to walk on.
I remembered Deepak Chopra’s advice to give to everyone we meet. I smiled and thanked this cashier, then went home and wrote a letter to the store manager detailing what a good worker this particular cashier was, and strongly recommended giving the guy a raise.
I hoped, at the least, that my letter would give the cashier some much-deserved recognition.
The more I thought of people to thank, the more people I realized I was thankful for. Suddenly I felt indebted to so many people.
I wrote a thank you letter to an old high school teacher. I wrote to my mail carrier. It was so gratifying that it verged on addicting.
Aside from writing thank you letters or expressing gratitude, another way of showing appreciation for those who serve you is to compliment them. Start paying attention to whether your restaurant server, taxi driver, or laundromat attendant has or is doing something that is worthy of some admiration.
Calling your attention to this will most likely evoke a smile and make them feel humanized.
You are letting them know that you don’t just view them as some background object crunching numbers, reading scripts, or scanning barcodes. They are human beings who are servicing you, and you appreciate it.
When we thank those that are often engaged in thankless work, we not only help them feel appreciated and respected; we also connect with that which is more human and compassionate within us.
A 2012 study from the University of Kentucky showed that people who practice gratitude are more sensitive and empathetic, and less likely to respond aggressively toward others.
We know how nice it feels to have our own work acknowledged. We know how it feels to be thanked, or to receive a compliment. And we know how delightful it feels to catch somebody off-guard with kindness.
Because, really, who wants to be the guy on the phone yelling at the college-age kid and calling him a terrorist because your bill (which he didn’t make for you) is higher than you want it to be?
It’s so much more satisfying to be the considerate person who thinks to give a box of chocolates to a bus driver. And, thankfully for us, there are so many people around, working behind the scenes to make our lives better, that are worthy of thanks.
Thank you image via Shutterstock
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How to Show Your Friends You Appreciate Them
“Life without friendship is like the sky without the sun.” ~Unknown
You love your friends. They’ve been with you through good times and bad. They are the rare breed of humans that accept your weirdness, accept your authentic self, and even love you for it.
You wholeheartedly appreciate them. When you’re with them, you get an overwhelming sense of thankfulness that you have this wonderful human being in your life.
Sometimes, however, you get a sense that you wish you could let that person know just how much they truly mean to you.
Offering to buy a cup of coffee, giving a sincere compliment, and praising them to others just doesn’t feel like it’s doing them justice.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
I’ve felt like the luckiest man on Earth for many years because of the people I’ve been fortunate enough to be surrounded by.
Some time ago, however, I had the same feeling we all get on occasion—a desire to do more. To appreciate them in a way that will make them truly feel appreciated.
As a student of happiness, I’ve also known for years the positive impact my friendships have had on my health and mental well-being.
It’s no surprise that the director of one of the longest studies ever done on human happiness, the Harvard Grant Study, George Vaillant, concluded:
“Happiness is love. Full stop.”
The research has confirmed many times over what we’ve all known intuitively for years: our relationships are the biggest contributors to our own long-term happiness.
For this reason alone, our friends are worthy of more than a simple thank you. Use the following six powerful and simple ways to show your friends you truly appreciate them.
1. Prioritize them.
To show your friends you love them, show them that their well-being is a higher priority to you than other things in your life.
For example, a friend in distress who is in the middle of a big life decision calls you, in tears, and asks for your help. She calls, however, right as you’re about to leave for dinner.
You must ask yourself which one is truly more important. A true friend deserves to have your attention in this scenario. You don’t have to mention you sacrificed a night out to help them. In time, they may come to learn of the sacrifice you made, and it’ll continue to deepen your relationship.
2. Communicate like a real human being.
One of the most concerning sights I’ve seen in the past few years is a group of friends at a restaurant all talking … to people who are not at the restaurant … on their phones, via text.
If you are physically spending time with a friend, the least they deserve is your very existence. Being lost in your phone or other technologies brings no joy to a meeting, and you might as well not be there at all.
When I first noticed this pattern emerging in groups, I began to encourage my friends to play a game that I read about online:
Everyone at the table must put their phones in the middle of the table. The first person to give into the urge to check their phone must then pay the bill for the meal.
People never want to spend more than necessary, and this game works like a charm.
3. Believe in your friends and stay by their sides.
We all have one or two friends with massive goals. As a friend, you can be the one who believes in them, even when most others won’t.
You can be the one encouraging them to persist in the face of defeat, to reiterate how much of a truly golden heart they have and why they deserve success in whatever venture they may be pursuing.
For example, I have some friends who are extraordinary artists. Over the years, their journeys of making their passions their careers have been difficult, seeing as we still live in a culture than incorrectly undervalues the importance of art in society.
I decided a long time ago to always give them a small psychological nudge every time I see them, just to ensure their optimism is maintained.
I would remark upon their talent, ask them how business was going, and give any advice I was capable of giving, without being intrusive.
You never know how much resistance and rejection friends are receiving in their desire to live a meaningful and impactful life, and they often highly regard the opinions of friends.
You can be that friend who never gives up on them.
Objectivity, of course, is still necessary. It would not be wise, for example, to continue encouraging a friend who is on a clear path to suffering.
In this instance, you can still be by their side when they decide the doors must close.
4. Personalize gifts.
We’re sometimes tempted to get the nicest and newest shiny object when gifting to friends.
But remember that personalized gifts have always, and will always, be more welcomed than any new object on the marketplace.
Personalizing gifts shows your friend that you remember the unique things about them and that you value and notice their wonderful wackiness.
Receiving a gift like this, on every occasion, will open the floodgates of appreciation.
I once brought a friend a portable smartphone charger for his birthday. This particular friend was notorious for never having sufficient battery left on his phone to make or receive phone calls.
He greeted the gift with much laughter and gratitude, and it was also the most required and necessary thing he needed at the time.
A gift like this is simple, inexpensive, and easy to purchase, but most importantly, it’s thoughtful, and that’s what counts.
5. Ask if your friends need help before they ask you.
I’m not suggesting that you nag your friends with dozens emails a day with the subject line LET ME CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
That would be more suited for an article entitled “How to Lose Your Friends in 24 Hours or Less.”
What does work is being proactive in your desire to be a better friend.
Whenever you think your friends may be in need of some assistance or guidance, you can casually ask them if they would like a hand, before they realize they might need it.
This is a wonderful way to show your friends they are in your thoughts outside of the time you see each other in person.
6. Avoid the trap of required reciprocity.
This is one of the biggest traps in friendships.
The belief states the following: If I’m doing this great thing for you, you are required to do something equally great for me.
It’s a dangerous way of thinking.
Instead, do great things for your friends simply because they are great.
Expect nothing in return, and you’ll be surprised what actually comes back to you.
Yet you may be thinking, what about the ones who will just take advantage of my good nature?
Well, let them. You’d rather find out they behave this way now rather than later, right?
When you notice this tendency in another, be strong enough to leave that relationship respectfully and rapidly.
Going the Extra Mile
We’ve discussed several ways you can show your friends you love them so they will feel truly appreciated.
The theme among them all is the importance of putting in that extra effort to value the people who have stuck by you over the years.
Your friends deserve your time, presence, and companionship, and you are perfectly suited to be the shoulder they may need to lean on in times of distress and despair.
So enjoy the wonder of relationships in all their emotional color and spiritual zest.
You are special in your own right, and no one else can provide the love that you do, in your own unique way.
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How to Smile More Every Day (Even if Life Isn’t Perfect)
“A smile is happiness you’ll find right under your nose.” ~Tom Wilson
I smile a lot.
In fact, yesterday I smiled eighty-seven times (I counted).
These aren’t fake smiles. They’re big, toothy, open-mouthed grins. And they’ve become a regular feature of my everyday life because I’ve been overcome with an immense happiness.
Everything I see, touch, breathe, and taste brings me delight.
It’s totally spontaneous and outrageously fun, and I want to share with you how it’s done.
What I Smile At
It could be the subtle texture of construction grating.
It could be the way a flower pops out of the background at an unforeseen moment.
It could be the way the sunlight glints off the window in the early morning.
But the thing that’s powering all these smiles is very simple.
Gratitude.
Most people smile when they get something.
We all like to smile when we receive a compliment, a surprise visit from a friend, or a big paycheck.
In other words, we’re happy when we receive a direct benefit.
But the way I see it, I’m the direct benefiter of everything happening around me.
The caw of a crow, the taste of a mandarin orange, the sound of a truck passing.
All of these things have made me smile today. I receive all of these things and am glad because of them.
So how can you smile more?
It’s simple really.
Be grateful for everything in your life.
It’s amazing what positive effects we experience once we begin to say, “Thank you!” for everything.
Thanks for the gift of life. Thanks for a delicious meal. Thanks for the smile of a stranger.
But the weird (and powerful) change I invite you to make is this:
Give thanks for even the seemingly negative things that come into your life.
Illness, pain, and loss are some of the most powerful teachers we have available. They reflect back to us the ways in which we need to grow. They show us the power that’s within us.
And they show us that life is incredibly precious.
For a few years I was in a really dark place. No home, no friends, no money. I slept outdoors in unfamiliar towns. I ate food stolen from dumpsters. I went days without talking to a single soul.
There were frigid nights when I would sleep in a construction site. I would curl up in the cab of an unlocked bulldozer because my body heat could warm the tiny compartment just enough to sleep a few hours before the crew came in at 6AM.
I was low.
But I appreciate this experience because it gave me fortitude to live anywhere. I no longer worry that I’ll be able to survive without food or shelter, because in tough situations, you get creative. You get resourceful. And you stop being afraid to ask for help.
Pay attention to the smallest details.
Right now I’m staring into the red of my ceramic coffee cup and just smiling my ears off. It’s too perfect not to.
But the coffee cup isn’t really just red.
As I look closer, I see infinite shades glancing off the glaze.
It’s reflecting the candy-cane stripes on a packet of sugar lying in the dish.
It’s reflecting a page of notes I’ve got in front of me.
And it’s following all the laws of light and shading, showing its brightest fire-truck vermillion face to the sun on one side, and a shadowy, murky maroon on the other.
Truly a glorious thing.
These details of experience are accessible to us everywhere, and they show us that no two things are alike.
Even things that we find offensive are opportunities for thankfulness once we begin to appreciate their details.
Plastic bottles on the street or decaying fruit, for example.
They all contain such marvellous detail that when you stop and pay attention, you can’t help but smile in thanks.
Write down your blessings.
Thousands of great things happen to us every day but we only seem to remember a few, while we remember most of the dull, unfortunate, or painful things that happen to us.
That’s not our fault; it’s just the way our brains are wired.
But we can overcome it.
That’s why it can be helpful to keep a notebook to jot down all the great things that happen to you daily.
Reflect on it when you’re feeling down. You’ll notice that even on your lowest days, things happened that touched you, that blessed you.
Don’t forget them!
Look at what is, not what isn’t.
Every time I look around, I think, “Wow, I’ve got a great life.”
I don’t have a lot. And yet, I live the happiest life imaginable because I’m looking at what is, not what isn’t.
Oftentimes we get caught up in worries about the future, giving substance to our negative thoughts.
We think, “If only I had a bit more money to pay the bills.”
“If only I didn’t have to worry about these aches and pains.”
“If only I had a little more time to spend with my family.”
Life isn’t the fantasies you have in your head—it’s what’s happening right now! All the great things around you are yours.
The sunshine hitting your face.
The smile of your kids and grandkids.
The exhilaration of going for a run and feeling your blood rush about in your marvellous arms and legs.
That’s all for you. And it makes me smile.
What made you smile today?
Smiling girl image via Shutterstock
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Lessons from Almost Dying: How to Appreciate the Everyday Awesome
“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” ~Bill Watterson
“Rare as hell.” That’s how my doctor described my leukemia.
The cancer had gotten real aggressive, real quick, and I’d need some heavy-duty chemo and a risky bone marrow transplant if I had any chance of surviving. How good a chance? “Forty to fifty percent,” said my doctor.
Oof.
As an otherwise healthy twenty-seven-year-old, cancer had been the furthest thing from my mind. Now, every waking thought was consumed by it. But I wasn’t ready to die. I decided to do whatever I could to beat the odds. It started with a list.
One night during my initial stay at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto, I pulled out my journal.
At the top of a new page I wrote the words “reasons to fight.” I then proceeded to write anything and everything that came to mind about what made life so awesome and so worth fighting for. Before I knew it, my list was 118 items long.
Reviewing my hastily scrawled list, a number of things stood out. First, I was surprised how much food made the cut. The fact that “bagels with cream cheese” preceded “mom” should tell you something about how hungry and sick of hospital food I was when I wrote the list.
Food bias aside, the people in my life certainly made a strong appearance—parents, brothers, sisters, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles. Finally, the list burst at the seams with life’s simple pleasures and experiential riches. Things like:
- Gin and tonics (#40)
- Hiking in the Fall (#19)
- Tobogganing (#22)
- Summer road trips (#81)
- Building a fire (#35)
- Slow-dancing (#46)
- Writing (#66)
- Beach sunsets (#77)
- Skinny-dipping (#79)
- Summer parties (#82)
- Good conversation (#90)
- The smell of campfires (#72)
- Wedding receptions (#110)
In our goal-oriented culture that places so much emphasis on reaching the next milestone, it was interesting to look back at my list.
Lying on what could very well have been my deathbed, I wasn’t worried I’d miss out on getting a bigger house, fatter paycheck, or sexier job title. I wanted to live so I could continue to enjoy the little, everyday things with the people I loved.
The Power of Being Present
My near-death revelation call is hardly a new idea. For millennia, philosophers and world religions have been touting the virtues of living in the moment and appreciating the little things.
In Buddhism, the Eightfold Path to achieving enlightenment includes Right Mindfulness: the practice of being completely present and paying full attention to the situation at hand.
In 23 BC, the Greek poet Horace was penning Odes, famously reminding us to carpe diem—to seize the day and place no trust in the uncertainty of tomorrow.
And in the 1800s, Henry David Thoreau strove to “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” during his simple living experiment at Walden Pond. “You must live in the present,” he concluded, “launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”
Even 900-year-old Yoda had strong feelings about living in the moment, chiding Luke for having his head in the clouds. “All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon,” the Jedi Master scolded. “Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.”
That ancient wisdom is backed up with a growing body of modern research.
In one study, researchers out of Harvard University developed an iPhone app to track the happiness levels of its participants at random intervals.
The volunteers would reply with information about what they had just been focused on and how happy they felt. The results? People are at their happiest when they are living in the moment and focused on what they are doing.
Other research shows that learning to savor small, positive moments can significantly increase your happiness.
Similarly, studies show people who foster an “attitude of gratitude” for everyday activities are shown to sleep better, be in better physical health, and have lower stress levels.
Mind Your Mibs
Whether it’s daydreaming about the weekend, brooding about an argument you had last week, or burying your head in your smart phone, it’s easy to find ourselves in a million places other than the here and now.
Furthermore, in our milestone-obsessed society, we tend to look to achievements down the road for fulfillment.
I’ll be happy when I’m married… when I’m making 80k… when my I have a thousand followers on Twitter. We become so preoccupied with the destination that we lose sight of the journey, of the adventure in getting there.
And don’t get me wrong: goals and milestones are important. They inspire us to be better, to try harder, to reach new heights.
But as my list reminded me, as great as accomplishments are, there’s tremendous satisfaction to be found in the little Moments In Between—or “mibs” as I like to call them.
Learning to embrace your mibs and live in the moment is an important way to find happiness on a daily basis.
Easier said than done, of course, and I certainly still struggle with it. I even caught myself obsessing about edits I wanted to make to this article while I was out for a walk, instead of appreciating the fresh air and sunshine.
But I’m trying. And with a little discipline, I think anyone can get better at minding their mibs. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Enforce a no-phone rule.
Sure, technology has the power to connect. But it’s also got a nasty habit of pulling us away from the moment. Commit to phone-free dinners and give your full attention to the people you’re with.
2. Go for a “one-sense walk.”
If you find yourself worrying about the million things you need to get done or obsessing about something in the past, lace up your sneakers and go for a walk. Choose a sense to focus on and start a mental inventory of everything you encounter.
For example, you may choose “sight” and pay close attention to the colours of the houses or the different types of trees in your neighbourhood. Or you might choose to focus on the things you hear, like the birds chirping or the crunch of your footsteps.
3. Make your own list.
My reasons to fight list was a great reminder of all the simple, amazing things around me. Whether it’s making a list of your own, starting a gratitude journal, or getting into the habit of thinking about the little things you’re grateful for while you’re brushing your teeth, make time to regularly acknowledge life’s everyday awesome.
4. Collect memories, not things.
My list overflowed with life’s little adventures and amazing experiences. When opportunities arise to try something new, say yes. If it’s a choice between a new pair of designer jeans or a weekend camping trip by the lake, choose the lake.
More than six years after writing my reasons to fight list, I’m thrilled to say I’m completely cancer-free. And while it was a gruelling journey, it was an enlightening one as well.
It taught me to not pin my hopes for happiness on far-off or one-off accomplishments. It reminded me to live in the moment and helped me embrace the everyday awesome—whether it’s sunrises (#78 on my list), sandwiches (#99) or a freshly made bed (#50).
In short, it taught me to mind my mibs.
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Being Grateful for the Ordinary: The Life We Have Is Enough
“If we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we’d be happy with more?” ~Unknown
From time to time during my schooling years I’d be asked to identify my role models. I always chose someone who’d changed the world in a big way—Martin Luther King Jnr, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi.
I never looked within my own life for role models. I had lovely parents and great teachers, and still, I was always looking well beyond what was right in front of me. I was always striving for something more, out there, beyond my own life.
As I reflect back, I see the dissatisfaction that this bred. I see how little I valued myself and by extension, my immediate surroundings. Somehow it all seemed… not good enough.
People and experiences that were far away from my hometown seemed so much more important and exciting.
It wasn’t until I started keeping a gratitude journal that this really began to change. I started the journal because I was depressed. Not sad—can’t-get-out-of-bed-or-even-talk-to-anyone depressed.
It would hit me on and off over the years, and the only coping mechanism I had at the time was to hide in my bedroom and breathe through the long and agonizing hours, waiting for it to pass.
A gratitude journal was the first tool I had to help me shift the fog. I would start very simply with the breath. I’d express gratitude that there was breath in my body (although at times I wasn’t even grateful for that).
Then I’d be grateful that I had a home and a bed to rest in while I recovered. I would then build from there in an attempt to find at least five things I was grateful for that day.
I wrote in that gratitude journal for a good couple of years before I started to see significant shifts in my perception of life. It was a slow and gradual process, but with each list I subtly turned my focus away from the world outside and toward my own life. Eventually, I turned my focus within.
As I began to value myself and my life more deeply, I also valued those around me more. I stopped judging them or dismissing them as unimportant.
I stopped thinking that there might be better people to be spending my time with or emulating, and I started appreciating the people who were right in front of me.
Eventually, that brought me to appreciate my favorite role models of all time; a small handful of yoga students that I used to teach in an outdoor space by the ocean each Friday morning.
The students were all women and they were all over the age of fifty.
Although I’m sure they had very full lives and many reasons not to get out of their comfortable beds each Friday morning to do yoga, they would show up week after week, no matter the weather.
Some had injuries, some were recovering from illness and some were simply not as strong as they once were. It was this fact that most impressed me.
When you’re young and ably bodied, it’s not overly challenging to do something like yoga. Your body is reasonably supple and your muscle tone hasn’t atrophied with the passing of time. As you age, it’s easier to find excuses—arthritis or a bad hip, the onset of an illness, or injuries in your back or knees.
There’s a saying in yoga that the most difficult part of the practice is doing the practice. I’ve often found this to be true in my own life. It’s even more challenging when it’s dark outside and rainy and cold, and the alternative of staying in bed is right there in front of you.
But here were these women—perfectly ordinary, everyday women—making choices that made them extraordinary.
Every week they were the embodiment of the wisdom I’d learned through my gratitude journal; that with persistence and in small gentle steps, lives are transformed.
Those beautiful students came every week on faith and on trust. They worked hard to build upper body strength and flexibility.
I saw each of them giving it their all, and although I didn’t know them outside of the classroom, I knew that they understood the value of commitment, the value of continuing even when things are tough, and most of all, I knew that they were brave.
After class I would watch them swim in the ocean (no matter the season). They would swim and then they’d have breakfast together. Over breakfast they’d share stories about their lives.
Watching them, I realized something else about these women. They were women who knew how to build community around them. They weren’t isolated and lonely; they were a part of something.
They’d found a place to come together, to connect with themselves, to connect with nature, and to connect with each other.
In witnessing the simplicity and authenticity of this weekly ritual, I felt a deep gratitude that I’d been privileged enough to be both participant and witness.
I realized too that my gratitude journaling days had come full circle. That gratitude was no longer something I needed to draw from the depths of my being as a means of abating depression, but was instead a living, breathing everyday experience.
And in that moment there stopped being somewhere to go and someone to admire who was better, more accomplished, more intelligent, or more influential than me. There was, quite simply, the world and every living being within it.
All teaching through their actions and all learning through their interactions. All role models to one another and for one another. In that moment there was no separation and no isolation. There was only oneness, and it was all home.
Taking steps toward change can be so much simpler than we realize. We can start by noticing what’s around us and finding something to be grateful for in that.
We can stop looking far away for role models in the recognition that we’re surrounded by teachers everyday, and they’re showing up as our friends, family members, colleagues, and neighbours.
We can stop trying to force change to occur immediately and relax into the realization that change occurs through repetition and commitment—by continuing a practice (such as a gratitude journal) even when we’re not sure if it’s making a difference.
And we can remind ourselves that we always have a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our life circumstances or we can choose to build on what we have right in front of us.
My students could easily have stayed home, focusing on what their bodies could no longer do and what they felt they’d lost.
Instead, they chose what they could do. They could show up. They could build community. And in so doing they declared in actions rather than words, “We are enough. This life is enough and we are grateful.”
I couldn’t think of a more appropriate prayer to guide us each and every day.
Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock
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Releasing Expectations: It’s Okay to Be Right Where You Are
“The most important point is to accept yourself and stand on your two feet.” ~Shunryu Suzuki
When I was younger, I am sure I was a little bit arrogant. I had high expectations for my life. They haven’t come to pass. I haven’t achieved whatever I thought I would achieve. It turns out that I’m an ordinary human being struggling with ordinary things.
Now that I’m in my forties, I have experienced disappointment, failure, and confusion. Many times I have lost sight of the path, and sometimes it’s felt like there never was one.
I expected I would be a writer. I did not expect to be a secretary. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just wasn’t what I dreamed of.
I didn’t expect to have periods of unemployment, loneliness, or despair. I didn’t expect to be just like everyone else. Maybe I thought I was special, different, exempt. Maybe we all think that when we’re younger.
It’s not like I had it easy in my early life, but by my twenties I’m sure I thought it would all go to plan. It never went to plan. I’m not sure there ever was a plan.
And yet, maybe it has gone to plan, just not my plan. If some higher power is running the show, maybe this is part of the plan.
If I want to express the highs and lows of being human, then I need to have lived them. That’s what being a writer is. It’s not just being bulletproof and full of ideals. It’s making the dream right there in the gritty groundedness of everyday life.
I also realize that what I have achieved is not that important. What’s more important is what I’ve learned, and much of that didn’t come from success. Often my lessons came from the struggle of being human—wanting, trying, failing, and wanting and trying some more.
So at this stage, with my dreams still tugging at my heart and a lot of struggle behind me, I finally understand something about self-acceptance.
Here I am, right now. This is where I am and it’s okay.
Right here, right now.
I am where I am right now. That’s my starting point. I might wish I were further along, but I am where I am. I have to accept where I am or I can’t move anywhere, let alone forward.
Where are you now? Why is that okay?
This is my life and it’s good.
When I come back to gratitude, everything gets better. My expectations may be higher than my reality, but really, I have so much. Many people lack the basics: good food, clean water, access to healthcare, literacy. Even at the simplest level, my life is blessed.
What do you give thanks for?
A divine plan.
It does seem that life isn’t running according to my plan. Maybe there is a bigger plan. I may not always like it, but maybe it’s perfect after all. I don’t know what the Universe has in mind. It would be very arrogant to think I did.
How could this be part of a higher plan?
Being very human.
Experiencing disappointment, struggle, and failure is part of being human. It helps us feel for each other. I am fairly idealistic, but at this age I know that I am pretty human. I am full of faults and mistakes, and a few brilliant moments too.
How do you feel most human in your challenges? Why is that good?
No better or worse.
In my twenties I went to acting school. When you act, you explore the potential to be many different selves. We all have the potential to be an angel or a devil. Most of us are in between, but it might have worked out differently.
Why are you no better or worse than anyone else?
Favorite faults.
Honestly, sometimes our faults are simply our characteristics. Maybe you’re bossy but a great organizer, or a natural leader. Maybe you are a rebel who challenges the way we think and act. Maybe you channel your anger and make others laugh at your daring. Great comedians do that.
What is your favorite fault? How could you use it?
How it looks to the world.
We are often much harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be. You may think you’ve achieved nothing while, to the next person, you have everything. It’s all relative and it’s all perspective. None of us have an unbiased lens.
There is no point wishing you were more than you are. It may all be happening this way for a reason. Even if there is no reason, the meaning you choose will make the difference.
At the end of our lives, it won’t really matter how many toys we have or even what we have achieved. It will matter that we appreciated this one precious life. It will matter that we enjoyed and explored being human. Love and experience; that’s it.
Let’s not give up on our dreams. Let’s keep moving toward them. Just play the game lightly with little attention to the score.
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Life is a Gift: How to Enjoy It and Find Happiness After a Tragic Loss
“If we could see that everything, even tragedy, is a gift in disguise, we would then find the best way to nourish the soul.” ~Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Sometimes a tragedy can give new energy to life and bring awareness we have been living on autopilot.
I still remember the night like it was yesterday. It was late and my husband and I had just turned off the light when my phone rang. It was my aunt saying my dad pushed his life alert and was transported to the hospital.
I fumbled to find my clothes and hurried to the car. The drive to the hospital was a blur. I found my dad in the emergency room smiling. He proudly told me the “people” wouldn’t leave his house, so he pushed the button on his necklace for help.
My dad suffered from Lewy Bodies Dementia. It is a fast acting dementia that includes hallucinations, sleeping disorders, and mental decline.
When my dad pushed his life alert button on my advice, it was the precursor to his tragic death. I felt like it was my fault.
I told him to push his button whenever he needed help and we weren’t around. On this night, the hallucinations were bad enough for him to push the button just like I asked him to do.
Once transported to the hospital, he was admitted for observation and regulation of his medicine. The wrong medication was prescribed and my father never recovered. He eventually slipped into a coma and passed away.
When tragic events happen, they are not our fault. It is human nature to blame ourselves when in reality there is nothing we could have done differently to change the outcome.
Still, at the time my mind was tormented. If I had only been there, if I had taken him to the doctor sooner, if I had known they were going to change his medicine. The what if’s were the hardest part.
Stages of grief will come and go. Allow yourself to embrace the stages as you move through them. They are part of the healing process that eventually brings a sense of happiness.
After my Dad’s death I went through the many stages of grief. Not in any order. I bounced from stage to stage and back again.
The death of a loved one is a personal journey. No two people go through it the same way.
Some people internalize emotions and try to work through them alone. Others go through the stages of grief for all to see. Some ignore the emotions and never find closure. Ignoring pain deprives your soul of the nourishment a loss can bring.
Regardless of how you navigate the stages of grief, it is the right way.
For me, it was a combination. I worked through most of it privately, but sometimes I needed to talk. I reflected a lot. I remembered happy times and times I wished I could take back.
I went through his belongings reflectively and learned much about him. He kept beanies, pictures of classmates, and perfect attendance pins from grade school. I found them, along with every card I had ever given him. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, just because cards. All placed together in a drawer like they were great treasures.
I felt overwhelmingly loved. It was at that time I was hit with an epiphany.
It would make him sad to know that I blamed myself. He wanted me to be happy.
When a tragic event happens, it is not our fault. The best thing we can do is honor the person we lost by living our lives to the fullest. After all, wouldn’t that be our wish for them?
A peace came over me. It was clear. I understood that I was supposed to honor him by living my life to the fullest, appreciating every waking moment and all of the people around me that make my life special.
Life is a gift. We never know when or how it will end. To honor ourselves, and those that love us, it is important to be true to ourselves and do the things that bring us happiness.
I started doing the things that I had always wanted to do. I finished college, began writing, signed up for Jon Morrow’s course on guest blogging to help polish my skills, traveled more, and tried new things.
I also learned that stopping to appreciate the small things around me. I saw them before but on autopilot. I never really stopped to appreciate their beauty.
Through this tragedy I have found the keys to happiness: love yourself, appreciate the little things, forgive yourself for things that have already happened, and show love all those around as if it were your last day.
Although this was a time of great sadness, it was also an unexpected time of personal growth, which resulted in a more meaningful life.
As a result of this tragedy, I learned how to appreciate life and the people who love me, but most of all, I learned how to love myself and grant myself forgiveness.
I think my Dad would be proud of me. I see him every time I look in the mirror. When I smile, it is him smiling back at me.
Man enjoying the moment image via Shutterstock
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Why We Should Look Forward to More of Each Day
“Use your smile to change the world; don’t let the world change your smile.” ~Unknown
For most of us the average day includes a mix of things we both look forward to and things we don’t look forward to. We look forward to coffee in the morning, we regret that we have to go to work; we look forward to coming home at the end of the day, we dislike that we have to do laundry.
But how much of your life are you giving up if you dread, dislike, regret and don’t look forward to, say, 50% of your average day? Logical reasoning says that, based on this estimate, you’re giving up half of your entire life. And you’re giving it up simply because you aren’t looking at your life from a healthy perspective.
When we don’t look forward to something—when we don’t enjoy it—we aren’t very present in that current moment. It’s like life is just passing by, and we’re just waiting for it to pass so we can get on with the more fun or interesting parts of each day.
When we get caught up in this waiting-for-better-moments routine, we aren’t actively living, are we?
We end up passive, joyless, unhappy, and unfulfilled. All because we’re waiting for the good things in life to happen for us.
Stop waiting.
You can have crazy amounts of joy and excitement in life if you just change the perspective from which you view things. And you can do it by following this one simple rule:
Look forward to each day.
A Life of Looking Forward
Looking forward to even the smallest parts of your day can not only make that day more enjoyable, but it can also improve your outlook on life, help you appreciate the things you have, keep you from getting stressed out, and help you have better relationships.
Look forward to each day and you’ll realize the millions of silver linings you’ve been ignoring, if only because you weren’t looking for them.
Maybe the first time you actively decide to look forward to going to work, you’ll realize how lucky you are to simply have a job. The next day you look forward to work, you might remember a kind act that someone at the office did for you the previous day and look forward to repaying that action.
Once you start looking forward to things more often, you’ll find more and more reasons to appreciate and be excited for everything that comes your way.
Look forward to paying your bills. You’re buying a roof over your head—something that other people in the world might never have the luxury to afford.
Look forward to sitting in traffic during rush hour; think of it as down time to reflect on the events of your day.
I might sound a little crazy to you right about now if you’re used to hating all of these things. Bills and traffic, after all, are never something to look forward to, right?
Only if you choose to have that perspective about them.
How I Started Looking Forward to Every Day
I won’t say that I’m a naturally negative person. I no longer believe that anyone is “naturally” anything. You can change anything about yourself if you really, really want to. I’ve learned that now.
I will say, though, that I am a pretty stressed out person most days. At least I was. Between you and me, I still am sometimes.
But I’ve chosen to stop being negative and to stop being stressed. I only try to enjoy everything. Each day I look forward to all the potential good things that could happen. I don’t lie to myself. I just look at everything in a positive light.
I used to dislike how I looked. I regretted the things I wasn’t born with. I regretted the opportunities I had never had. I disliked having to work when I didn’t feel like it. Many days I just waited for “this day” to be over, hoping that maybe tomorrow would be better.
I wish I could say that some life-changing realization struck me suddenly on a windy, mysterious night and that said realization allowed me to live my life positively from that day forward.
But that would be a lie.
The truth is, it took many years of me feeling bad about myself and searching for ways to feel better.
It took many sincere conversations for me to realize how negative I was being, and it took many, many attempts to correct my perspective and my behavior for me to finally, genuinely be positive.
You know, it’s kind of frustrating the first time that you realize you had the power to make your life drastically more enjoyable just by changing your perspective.
As soon as I started looking forward to just being me, my life became much happier. Every day is a good day now, because I’ve chosen to see it that way.
Don’t get me wrong; I still get sad, angry, and stressed. But I experience negative emotions like these much less often because I don’t wake up each day thinking about all the possible ways my day could go wrong.
Instead, I wake up and focus on all the great opportunities just waiting for me.
I’m telling you this because I’m hoping that you won’t spend years trying to be happier, and that you’ll simply start looking forward to each new day and feel all the joy that you’ve been missing out on.
I do understand, though, that it’s kind of hard to just suddenly start looking forward to everything, so here are a few tricks that work for me. Maybe they will help you start to view each day in an optimistic light.
1. Keep good feelings with you all the time.
If I watch an inspiring movie, witness a random act of kindness, or even just feel especially happy on a given day, I choose to remember those feelings and keep them in the forefront of my mind as I do whatever I’m doing. It’s like having an extra blanket of positivity in addition to me looking forward to my day.
Focus on retaining positive feelings and you’ll be a lot stronger when negative things come your way.
2. Just live.
If I find that my mind is wandering and that I’m stressing out about things I have to do today or that I’m trying to plan out my day too aggressively, I remind myself that I need to live in the present moment.
I stop thinking about everything. I just live. If I’m writing, I hone in on how good it feels to be typing. If I’m driving, I make sure to appreciate the scenery with extra attention to detail. I stop trying to control everything, and I just live in the moment.
3. Think of everything you are grateful for.
Another trick I’ve learned for suppressing negative thoughts and feelings is to think of everything I have. I think of all the things in that current moment that I can be grateful for, and I swear I find more and more each time.
I’ll tell you one thing: It’s really hard to be angry about a late rent check when you’re simultaneously grateful for the comfortable home in which you live.
4. Forgive everything.
I have to say, I’m still working on this one. But it does help me tremendously when I’m able to do it. My temper can be pretty off-the-handle, and someone cutting me off in traffic is definitely enough to spark it.
But I’ve gotten a lot better at remembering that I’ve probably done that same thing before, and I get over the issue and move on with my day.
It’s a lot easier to look forward to everything when you don’t let baggage from the past weigh you down.
If you take anything away from this today, let it be this: You are you. And that’s all you need to make today awesome. Look forward to it.
Happy jogger image via Shutterstock
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Using Our Passions While We Can And Never Giving Up
“Never underestimate the power of passion.” ~Eve Sawyer
I am a runner in my heart and in my body. Running has provided me with so many life lessons that I cannot even count them. But having to fight for running has given me the most important ones.
I still remember that day in September of 2002 when I went to my first cross-country practice. The coach told me it would only be an easy six-miler.
Only? Easy? And a six-miler?
“How does that even belong to the same sentence?” I wondered. I didn’t even know what miles were (being originally from Europe I only knew kilometers up until that point), but I sensed that six miles was somehow just way too long.
You see, until 2002, I was an anti-sport, anti-activity, never-ran-a-step-in-my-life, skinny-fat couch potato. I walked the gym mile and even failed gym. Athletics wasn’t in my genes.
Yet, there I was, at my first cross-country practice suffering through a so-called “easy six-miler.” It’s something that’s easy and short for me now, but back in 2012 it was a pain every step along the way. But I finished.
My life forever changed that day. I ran my first race four days later. I fell in love with running forever.
I improved quickly and steadily. I ended up continuing my college running on scholarship. I was All-State, All-Conference, All-Academic team, and I broke my personal record often.
I worked extremely hard. I was a little running machine. I was a bit of a maniac.
Post-college I started road racing: 5K-s, 10K-s, half marathons, and more. I ran my first marathon with a Boston Qualifying time… then I got hurt.
To this day I am not sure what happened. It wasn’t an acute pain, and I hadn’t run through some pain leaving me with a chronic issue. But from one day to another I had terrible hip pain. I couldn’t run; even sitting was painful.
The MRIs and bone scans proved that it was not a stress fracture, it wasn’t a labrum tear or other cartilage issue, and it was not tendonitis—but it was an excruciating pain. I saw many doctors and physical therapists. Nothing helped.
I did all the exercises I was prescribed. I wore the clunky motion control shoes with orthotics and heel lifts, as recommended. I did it all. Yet, I was not getting better.
I was in pain for over two years. Sometimes it was better and I could sit and walk pain-free. Sometimes getting out of bed was a question mark. Actual running was pretty much out of the question. But I longed for running and remained a runner in my heart.
I kept searching and finally found my answer.
A chiropractor suggested to change shoes: drop the ideas from other doctors, physical therapists, and shoe store employees; take the orthotics out, leave the heal lift behind, throw away the clunky motion control shoes, and go more natural. Just get some regular shoes without any fancy inserts and without any “new technology.”
I had nothing to lose. I tried it. Within weeks I was able to run again.
It has been two years since then. I’ve been running pain-free. I am training and racing again. I am not only a runner in my heart but also in action. Through this experience, I’ve learned:
1. Do not take anything for granted.
I appreciated running from that first six-miler on, but I have to admit, since it was in my life every day I somewhat took it for granted. Now, I say thanks every single day for all my past and present running experiences. I start and finish my runs with gratitude for the happiness, freedom, clarity, and connection to nature and health it brings me.
You never know what is going to happen in the future, so don’t take things granted. Be thankful for people, activities, things, and experiences in your life. If you love somebody, tell them every day.
2. There are lessons behind every challenge.
Throughout the years of being hurt I asked, “Why?” so many times: “Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why?”
The reality is that having to fight to get running back into my life taught me so much that I would not have learned without getting hurt.
I learned that I have an enormous amount of strength and will power. I learned to be patient. I learned to trust. I learned how to find passion in life besides running. And I learned not take anything in life for granted. These lessons were reason enough to go through the pain.
You don’t have to be religious or spiritual to think that everything has a reason. Just keep in mind that there is a lesson to be learned behind every single experience—and then choose to find it.
3. Trust the process.
I always knew I would run again. I didn’t know what my answer would be—how I would heal and when I’d be back on the roads—but I knew that I meant to be running again, so I trusted the process.
Trust wasn’t just a crutch to help me through the difficult times, but more like an inner-guide and certainty that this, combined with time and effort, would guide me to my answer, whatever that may have been.
Life can get crazy and chaotic. Sometimes you feel like you are lost in the forest and don’t know your way out. But trust the process. Always trust that eventually you find what you are looking for. If you trust the process, you will.
4. Be open to try anything.
Imagine if I had been closed-minded. I would have never trusted my chiropractor’s shoe advice. I would not be running pain-free today.
No matter how crazy or unconventional something sounds, always keep an open mind. Be willing to give anything a shot that resonates with you even a bit. It just may change your life for the better.
5. Never give up.
I was in pain and out of running for over two years. Yet, I never gave up. I am running today because I held onto my passion.
No matter how tough things get, never give up on your dreams. Remember, it can’t rain forever. After the rain there is sunshine, everything will be brighter, and you will be happy for having stayed the course.
6. Live with passion.
Running is my passion and it makes me feel alive, happy, and free. I am able to transfer the joy, happiness, energy, freedom, and clarity I receive from running to other areas of my life, including relationships and work. Thus, my passion for running makes my other areas of life more beautiful too.
Having a passion and living passionately is key to living happy and healthy life. So go find you passion. Use your passion. Live with passion.
Photo by Aaron
