Tiny Buddha

Tag: anxious

  • A Reason to Feel Less Anxious During Times of Transition

    A Reason to Feel Less Anxious During Times of Transition

    Woman with Butterfly

    “How ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

    This past May I graduated from college, where I majored in Environmental Science. I chose this subject for one simple reason: I love learning how the world works.

    There are always strong connections to be made between humans and other species. Every time I hear a unique, astonishing fact about other animals, I feel more connected to the world around us rather than more separate.

    My latest bewildering discovery came from the radio.

    I was driving in my car, heading to the grocery store but mostly in need of some fresh air. I had spent the day inside, applying to jobs and pondering the next step of my life. Riding along, listening to the radio, provided a source of calm.

    The segment was on NPR’s RadioLab and the subject was “black boxes.”

    On NPR’s website, the hosts describe black boxes as: “those peculiar spaces where it’s clear what’s going in, we know what’s coming out, but what happens in-between is a mystery.”

    The hosts announced their first topic of discussion: a caterpillar’s transformation to butterfly.

    The black box, in this case, is the chrysalis within which the caterpillar’s body changes into a butterfly. We know the caterpillar and we know the butterfly, but many of us do not know what happens inside the cocoon.

    I was hooked. Sitting in my car, I had parked but couldn’t turn off the radio.

    I wanted to hear what exactly goes on in the chrysalis. What does it look like inside this hidden chamber? Is it what I’d imagine?

    I predicted that within the cocoon, caterpillar cells begin to replicate on either side of the body in a symmetrical pattern. Maybe the wings curl around the body as they grow.

    I was wrong.

    If you open a chrysalis about a week after its conception, there is no discernible caterpillar. Within the chrysalis, the caterpillar actually digests itself. The enzymes released by this process create a sort of goo in place of the caterpillar.

    The creep-factor of this for me was akin to watching Silence of the Lambs. The story was as perturbing as it was captivating.

    I believe what fascinates me most about the caterpillar’s transition into butterfly or moth is that the original wormy fellow neither stays fully intact nor completely disappears. The “goo” is actually a collection of cells that replicate where they need to.

    The butterfly’s organs, such as the antennae, the wings, and legs, all develop through the constant division and replication of cells that collect from caterpillar goo. Even more interesting, some species of moth have been shown to retain some memory of their caterpillar lives. The cells, therefore, hold qualities of their original character.

    The metamorphic process is evolutionary, and it is encoded in the caterpillar’s DNA.

    I do not believe that the small creature makes a conscious choice to turn himself into goo. Rather, he does so by default just as his ancestors have been doing for millions of years. I know this logically. And yet, there is something abstractly beautiful about the concept.

    I love that the caterpillar trusts it will become a butterfly. It is willing to break itself down for a short period of time, knowing that the result of its self-destruction will be as grand and sensational as a butterfly or moth.

    What fearlessness required, what self-confidence! The caterpillar eats and eats for days, plumping itself up for the process of its own obliteration. That takes some serious bravery and commitment.

    Last month, I put on a graduation cap and gown, and I, along with millions of other graduates, took a leap from the comfortable role of student to something as yet undefined.

    One moment, I could define myself by my courses, my friends, and my ability to navigate campus. The next moment, it became a lot harder to define myself, as my entire environment changed.

    I have been wondering a lot lately about where I’m headed next. Is there any clear-cut path or formula?

    Looking on Instagram and Facebook it seems that everyone is confident in their post-graduation choices, whatever they may be.

    I feel that I am somewhere in between, applying for jobs but still unaware of my first step, and uncertain of the specifics of my future.

    For example, where do I want to live? What types of people do I want to surround myself with? Where do I want to work? More specifically, what type of work will fulfill me?

    The questions are normal, even necessary. But hearing about caterpillars, I realized something important about how I’ve been navigating my transition.

    I, along with many of my friends, have been envisioning my life thus far as having two separate stages: one during college and one after.

    The first stage we view as preparation. We feed ourselves with the tools necessary to grow, just as the caterpillar does. After college, we expect to become a butterfly. On top of this, we expect the transition to occur rapidly and effortlessly.

    Before I graduated, I had a lot of anxiety about remaining active and engaged after graduation. Looking back, I realize I was desperately scared that I’d lose myself—that the transition would seize the “me” I knew and morph me into some worse version. But what if these fears ended up being more dangerous to my growth than the transition itself?

    When I view this period of time as my black box, instead of feeling anxious that I will lose myself, I feel excited by the opportunity to rebuild.

    I trust that whatever is contained within the black box, is still “me.” So what if it gets a little gooey? Times of transition are meant to be gooey; we are meant to settle into ambiguity before we are able to achieve clarity.

    This mentality has helped me to take positive action toward starting on my new path.

    This doesn’t mean it’s easy. My identity is undergoing a breakdown of boundaries. It can be scary.

    I do fear on some level that, like the caterpillar turning to goo, I will lose everything that defined me, other than DNA, of course. But however scary, it can be more fruitful to spend time in the black box than to rush the process of becoming a butterfly.

    During a time of transition, it’s important to give yourself space and time to break yourself down and settle into the uncertainty of the moment, to take a pause before stepping forward.

    Maybe the caterpillar has it right. Before becoming a butterfly, the caterpillar loses all structural integrity; he does not fight to keep his body as it was. Nor does he entirely disappear.

    Instead, he changes form, while maintaining essential parts of his former identity. In the end, he builds himself back up as a better version of himself, this time graced with a pair of wings, and poised for flight.

    I am confident that after time in the black box, I will emerge more capable, more mindful, and more me.

    If you are also in a black box, having just completed one phase while preparing for another, know that nature provides these spaces for a reason.

    These periods of transition, with all of their anxiety and ambiguity, are critical to our growth. There are times in our lives when the best place to be is inside the black box.

    Woman with butterfly image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Simple Ways to Ease Your Anxiety Today

    10 Simple Ways to Ease Your Anxiety Today

    Peaceful Woman

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As an almost recovered anxiety sufferer I know what it’s like to feel stressed, out of sorts, desperate, and unlike yourself. I know what panic attacks feel like; I’ve had many. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.

    Anxiety can be debilitating and affect every area of your day-to-day life.

    I remember about four years ago, when I was feeling so overwhelmed and anxious I could barely leave my house. I had three young children at the time. It was all I could do to get through each day.

    Just making meals for my little family felt like more than I could handle.

    I remember at lunchtime I was putting together peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for probably the seventh day in a row and I stood there thinking, what on earth is wrong with me? This is not the Hannah that I know! I’m not this person. How did I get here!?

    I slinked down to the floor and broke into tears, as I was filled with guilt about how I wasn’t being the wife and mother I should be. The light was streaming in the window, shining onto our tile floor, filled with crumbs and ants. I couldn’t remember the last time I had swept.

    As the days, months, and years passed by I have learned many lessons, and I continue to learn lessons on a daily basis. I’m human. I still have anxious days but I now realize that they will pass.  

    I accept them.

    They don’t quite sting as bad as they used to.

    You have to keep going. You have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that it won’t be like this forever. Remember that about one in five people feel the same way you do.

    Thankfully, I have gone through this, because it has pushed me to learn about so many facets of health that I never would have been interested in otherwise. I’m stronger in the long run. You will be too.

    I’ve learned that we need to make self-care a priority. Sometimes it can feel really uncomfortable to take time for us. To say no to others and put ourselves first, but we must.

    If we are to be able to give to others, we need to have something to give, whether that is time, love, or patience.

    Our society is so fast paced, hurried, and often stressful. We need to make every effort possible to slow down, take time to relax, and rejuvenate. We don’t naturally build these moments into our day enough, and if you don’t currently, now is the time to start.

    I would love to share ten simple ways you can ease your anxiety today. These are a few of the strategies that I personally practice daily.  

    1. Cut sugar from your diet.

    Sugar can wreak havoc on your health. It adds to the overall burden of stress to your body. Anyone who struggles with anxiety doesn’t need to be adding any extra stress. Sugar is also void of nutrients; during stress, your body needs whole, unprocessed food full of vitamins and minerals.

    2. Use lavender oil.

    Lavender oil has been used for centuries and it’s the most versatile essential oil. With a pleasing aroma and calming properties, it has a relaxing scent that calms the mind and body.

    Use lavender safely on your skin, rub on wrists, behind ears, a dot on your neck, and enjoy its scent. You can use a few drops in the bathtub or in the shower. At night I love to add a few drops to an Epsom salt footbath.

    3. Get to bed by 10:30.

    When you have anxiety, your stress levels are high and your nerves are frazzled. Lack of sleep just adds to the problem. Going to bed by 10:30 will give your body ample time to rest and repair itself and help calm your nervous system.

    By getting enough sleep you reduce cortisol levels and the overall burden placed on your body. Sometimes sleep alone can be the biggest help when it comes to healing anxiety.

    4. Practice yoga.

    As I’ve practiced yoga I’ve noticed a reduction in anxiety symptoms. Now I can’t live without it!

    Through yoga, you learn how to breathe deeply and effectively, which is great for stress reduction. You move your body gently and get some exercise without overexerting your body and stressing it out more.

    Yoga has also been the perfect beginning step to learn how to meditate. Through yoga, you learn to be still, move more slowly and intentionally throughout your day, and you learn to recognize where tension is in your body so you can work to relax those parts.

    5. Go for a walk/jog.

    Getting outside and taking a walk can work wonders for our moods by boosting serotonin, the good mood neurotransmitter. It also allows you to soak up some vitamin D, clear your brain, and get a fresh new perspective on life.

    If your body is up to it, you can go for a quick jog or run. Those who have dealt with long-term anxiety may notice that their body isn’t quite up to jogging or running yet.

    If you feel more depleted, frazzled, and stressed after you jog, especially if that feeling lasts for a couple days, be kind to yourself and don’t push yourself to that point yet. Take a step back and just allow yourself to move gently. Yoga, Pilates, and walking are all great alternatives.

    6. Journal.

    Writing in a journal can be very therapeutic. Just like venting to a good friend or a therapist, you can vent right onto the pages of your journal. But don’t forget to write down the positive too.

    Jot down a few things each day that you’re grateful for. Write about good things that happen. Write down things you want to see in your life that may not be there yet, but write them as if they’ve happened. Don’t worry that it isn’t technically true; it just isn’t true yet, but it can be!

    7. Keep track of your thoughts.

    We don’t always realize how much our thoughts affect the way we feel and how often we even think these negative damaging thoughts. For one day write down every negative thought you have, then flip them and write down the positive version.

    If you think, “I’m so tired, I never get enough sleep,” switch the thought and think, “I may be tired, but I won’t always feel this way, and I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.” This exercise can be very enlightening.

    8. Eat fermented foods.

    Research shows that the microbes in our guts communicate with our brains, and vice versa. Most of our digestive systems have been depleted of beneficial bacteria through repeated use of antibiotics, a poor diet of processed foods, environmental toxins, and stress.

    By eating fermented foods that are high in probiotic bacteria like kefir, fermented veggies, and kombucha, we are adding good bacteria back into our guts and improving our physical and mental health in the process. A recent article published talks about how sauerkraut can even help people with social anxiety. Very cool!

    9. Eat protein at every meal.

    People who struggle with anxiety can benefit from the blood sugar stabilizing effects of protein at each meal. According to some doctors we should be getting fifty to seventy-five grams of protein a day.

    Protein helps fill you up so you don’t have crazy blood sugar spikes throughout the day that can trigger anxiety and panic attacks. Start your day with protein (kefir, cottage cheese, eggs, full fat plain Greek yogurt topped with nuts and fruit) and continue the habit at each meal and snack.

    10. Read positive books.

    When you feel like you just can’t muster a positive attitude on your own, lean on someone else’s positive vibes. Books like, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay, and Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin are among my favorites.

    Journal your favorite phrases from these books so you can look back at them daily. Never underestimate the power of a positive book.

    I hope these simple suggestions can help you in your recovery process from anxiety. Try them all and see which ones work best for you, and implement them daily.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying

    5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying

    “Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” ~Benjamin Franklin

    Have you every worried yourself to the point of emotional, even physical exhaustion?

    Do you often feel stuck, anxious, or mistrustful of the world around you?

    I know what it’s like to feel trapped by worry—in fact, I have always been a chronic worrier.

    I worried and obsessed mostly about the hypothetical, the imaginary, the infinite variety of “what-if” scenarios. Eventually, I convinced myself that if I worried about every conceivable thing that could go wrong in my life, I would either avoid them altogether or numb myself of their effects.

    As time went on and responsibilities increased, the worries intensified. I became anxious about raising my children well. I worried about money, career, and what people thought of me.

    Then one day, I experienced a mild panic attack. Feeling overwhelmed with all I needed to get done that day, I began to experience dizziness and intense feelings of fear.

    For a moment, I felt like I was living in an altered reality as my legs wobbled beneath me, and my heart pounded in my chest. I quickly found a private place to sit until the feelings passed.

    I knew this was a wake-up call. I needed to find ways to manage my worry and anxiety before it got worse.

    Over the years, I’ve found that embracing the following five truths stops worry from spiraling out of control:

    1. You are not your worry.

    For a long time, I did what most people who worry do—I tried to make it stop. I quickly learned that trying to block thoughts of worry was like trying to stop a river from flowing.

    I eventually learned a simple but profound truth that changed everything for me:

    You are not your emotions.

    This is the power of detachment. Not the detachment that tries to be stoic but the one that allows you to feel your emotions without identifying with them.

    I began to apply this by observing myself non-judgmentally as I worried. As I continued to observe myself, I learned to be at peace with my inability to stop worrisome thoughts. But I also learned that I could change my response to those worrying thoughts for the better. The same can be true for you.

    2. Worry cannot exist in the present.

    We rarely worry about problems we presently face. Worrying is a future-oriented activity fueled by uncertainty and anticipation.

    The truth of this realization was another game changer for me. As I reflected, I could see that all of my worries were about a future I could not control. What about the past? The only past events I worried about were the ones I feared would adversely affect my future.

    Want to avoid worry altogether? Stay in the now. I learned to do this through mindfulness meditation. A simple mindfulness technique is to focus on your breath when you begin to drift away from the present. Let each inhalation and exhalation ground you right where you are.

    3. Worry can be confined.

    If you’ve ever struggled with worry, you know that it can easily consume your entire day. This happened to me regularly. Once I learned to accept my worry, I decided to confine it rather than allow it free reign over my life. I would set aside a limited amount of time to allow my mind to worry intensely on its latest subject. At the end of that period, I would let it go.

    Want to confine your worry? Try scheduling ten to thirty minutes a day for worry. Use this time to visualize your anxious feelings, write them down, and come up with an action plan for dealing with the root causes of your worry. If the worry reappears outside this scheduled time, postpone it until the next worry period.

    4. You can give away your worry.

    Have you ever noticed that your worry intensifies the more you focus on yourself? In the past, I used my worry to draw myself inward. I focused on my own needs and ignored the needs of others. It rarely helped to reduce my worry.

    One of the things I learned by observing myself was my tendency to forget about my worries when I worried about other people and helped them with their needs. I let the onset of worry be a signal to call a lonely friend or spend time with a loved one. I learned to give my worry away.

    5. You are human.

    The greatest source of my worry was my attempt to be superhuman. I was trying to be all things to all people. I worried incessantly about what they thought of me. Instead of beating myself up for not living up to everyone’s expectations, I decided to embrace my limitedness. I cannot please everyone, and I am at peace with this truth.

    It’s Time to Take a Stand

    I know it might seem hard for you to integrate these tips, especially if, like most of us, you’ve struggled with a long-standing habit of coddling worry rather than openly challenging it.

    But you can break down this habit one step at a time. Imagine a life without the controlling effects of worry. A life where worry itself is controlled and confined. Imagine no longer being emotionally drained by worry so that you can be truly present to those you love.

    Stand up to worry. Today.

    Separate yourself from it. Confine it. And let it go.

  • We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    Couple Playing in the Snow

    “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~Charlie Chaplin

    Many people have told me throughout my life that I sound just like my mother when I laugh. I lost her to cancer when I was sixteen, over twenty years ago. I learned from her to laugh and laugh often, even through the toughest of times. “Happiness is a choice,” she always said.

    Life has thrown a few curveballs my way over the past five years and tried to test my ability to choose happiness and laughter. My husband, Eric, and I had just started talking about having children when the first wild pitch came our way.

    Early in 2010, Eric was diagnosed with cancer. I remember how I refused to cry in front of him or in front of anyone really. I remember how overwhelmingly sad, scared, and angry I felt. I also remember the first time we laughed after we found out.

    We were sitting on our couch watching TV, and something very funny came on and we both laughed. I can’t remember what it was. I just remember looking at him and feeling a bit surprised.

    I realized that it was going to be really important for us to keep laughing, and we did, often at times when most people would think we were nuts.

    We laughed at the crazy sound Eric made when he got sick (to put it politely) after chemotherapy. We laughed when I blew into his ostomy bag to make sure it was attached correctly (a very risky maneuver considering what could have come out of there.)

    We laughed hysterically when a nurse very inappropriately commented that our sex life would probably be a lot better once he had the surgery to get rid of the ostomy.

    Fast-forward a few years. Eric was healthy and we were ready to move forward in starting a family. We knew there could be some complications, but they turned out to be worse than we thought. Cancer treatments had made Eric sterile and it turns out that I had some issues too.

    We decided to try IVF with samples Eric had frozen prior to treatment and failed multiple times. Again, we ended up laughing when most people would think we were crazy.

    We laughed when my first embryo transfer turned into a show for about six interns (thank you teaching hospital).

    We laughed when we got a box full of hormones and needles that would make some people faint.

    We laughed ourselves to tears when an employee at CVS very inappropriately asked me if I was pregnant yet because she’d seen me buy so many tests.

    We decided after two rounds of IVF and one frozen embryo transfer that we were not going to do any more fertility treatments. We had discussed adoption before, and we both agreed that we wanted to become parents this way.

    We took a good bit of time to research and discuss our options and eventually agreed that open adoption was the path for us.

    Fast-forward about a year to today and to the event that inspired me to write this post. We are in “the wait” to be chosen by an expectant mother to become parents through open adoption.

    This is something that could take months or years. Every day we are hoping that this woman, who we already love, will find us through our agency and want to place her child, who we already love, with us.

    We bought a separate phone for our toll free number to make sure we never miss a call. Today, I heard it ringing in my office and a million thoughts ran through my head instantly. Could this be her, already, we’ve only been live for a month, how should I answer, will I sound stupid…

    I ran like the wind to my office and as I was picking it up to answer, my husband jumped out from under my desk and yelled, “It was me!”

    I could have been irritated that he scared me half to death. I could have been angry that he got my hopes up that we were getting “the call.” Instead, I chose happiness and we laughed—a lot!

    Laughter has kept us sane and grounded through very trying times. I’m so thankful that my mother taught me to choose happiness and that I married my best friend who makes this choice with me every day.

    Yes, there have been sad, scary and angry moments, but we have always been able to find our way to happy and hopeful, which will make “the wait” much easier.

    We are so thankful that my husband is healthy.

    We are so thankful that we have the ability and opportunity to become parents through this amazing and loving way to create a family.

    We are so thankful that we choose to be happy. We can’t wait to share our lives, love, and laughter with our child and to teach him or her to choose happiness.

    Just as my mother encouraged me, I will now encourage all who are reading this to find at least one moment during the day to really focus on what you are thankful for.

    Taking these moments to be grateful—especially on the days when being happy may seem impossible—can be just what you need to get through them.

    Through all of life’s up and downs, at the end of the day, it is simply amazing that we are here, and we need to appreciate and enjoy it!

    Couple playing in the snow image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Ways to Live a Less Fearful, More Peaceful Life

    7 Ways to Live a Less Fearful, More Peaceful Life

    Peaceful Man

    “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light.” ~Adapted from Plato

    I was digging in my half-empty refrigerator one day, searching for leftovers, when my phone rang. I glared at it wondering who the hell had the nerve to interrupt my hunt for sustenance.

    I grabbed the phone with pure agitation and put it to my ear. On the other end of the line I heard a faint voice mutter the three most unforgettable words I had ever heard: “Dad is gone.”

    The faint voice belonged to my stepmom Rose. She told me that dad was headed for surgery that morning when he had a massive heart attack. She said that he sprang up in bed and reached out to her with his eyes stretched open in terror. And that was it. He was gone.

    As an anxious twenty-two-year-old, suffering wasn’t new to me, but this was different. It wasn’t long after my dad died that I spiraled into daily panic attacks and became a whimpering victim of anxiety.

    We all encounter fear sometimes—it’s normal. But I did it all wrong. I let it control my life. After my dad passed away, my days were usually filled with uncertainty, self-doubt, and misery.

    I later wondered if the same fate awaited me, to the point where I developed all kinds of phobias: health phobia, social phobia, and a crushing fear of death. I was truly lost.

    Fear became my new normal. I allowed my negative thoughts to shape my reality. I stopped believing in myself, in other people, in the future; all of it seemed meaningless.

    Over the years I struggled to tame my fears, and if I’m being totally honest, on some days I still struggle. The good news is that I don’t stay stuck like I used to.

    I’ve learned to understand my fears for what they really are, rather than what I imagine them to be. And I live with less fear every day because of seven rock solid tips that I learned after losing my dad.

    1. Relax.

    When we are fearful, we get tense without even knowing it. Learning how to let go of tension was a key factor in my recovery from fear and anxiety.

    I learned progressive muscle relaxation exercises and practiced daily. I learned that making peace with your body is a great way to make peace with your mind.

    2. Find your inner observer.

    I had no idea that I had one, but there is a part of the mind that is able to observe thoughts without judgment or expectation. Getting in touch with your inner observer weakens the power of fear and reduces “what if” thinking.

    Meditation is hands down one of the best ways to train yourself to identify and strengthen this part of your mind.

    3. Reframe.

    Words are powerful. The ones you use to describe life and all its challenges will not change what happens to you, but it can change how you feel about it.

    Instead of obsessing over my “palpitations,” I reframed this as “I’m nervous.” Reframing helped me to form positive perspectives about all kinds of stuff.

    4. Be mindful.

    When I was really anxious I lived in the past or the future. I totally forgot about living my life in the present. Take the time to enjoy today.

    5. Connect.

    Fear has a way of isolating us from ourselves and others. But it’s important to remember that connecting with other people is a vital part of a healthy life. Reach out!

    6. Challenge your fears.

    Do you want to know how absurd fear can be? I used to fear soft drinks! Well, actually, I was afraid of caffeine, but seriously. Challenging your fears builds self-confidence and over time ensures that you get to live the full version of your life.

    7. Be kind to yourself.

    There is a 100% chance that things won’t always go your way, including being afraid when you don’t want to be. Don’t punish yourself for being “stupid” or “weak,” though. It’s okay to be afraid sometimes. The question is: What are you going to do when fear comes to your doorstep?

    When I’d get anxious, it was because I didn’t believe that I had what I needed to be okay. But the truth is that we all do—somehow, someway, we always do.

    And therein lies the “secret” to living with less fear: the realization that you do have the means to weather any storm. That you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    Peaceful man image via Shutterstock

  • When Waiting Gives You Anxiety: How to Find Peace in the Present

    When Waiting Gives You Anxiety: How to Find Peace in the Present

    “The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for.” ~Dan Millman

    Nothing gives me anxiety quite like waiting for things to happen. If I don’t know how long I will be in line, stuck on a delayed NYC subway, or behind someone at the grocery store who is paying in pennies, I get very anxious. Or at least I used to.

    Going to the doctor’s office was the worst. I know that no one likes to be sick or in pain before going to the doctor. People don’t like to be poked at or asked personal, embarrassing questions during the exam either. Those were not the worst parts for me at all. The worst part for me was the waiting.

    I once went to a doctor’s office for a 9:45AM appointment and had to wait in the lobby until 11AM before going to the exam room.

    I waited in that exam room for over an hour before the doctor even showed up. She was in the room for five minutes, and that was that. I wasn’t even sick. It was just for a yearly checkup that I had voluntarily went in for.

    Being in a small room all alone, unable to go anywhere, was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I sat and waited. Looked at the clock. Tried to stay warm (it was freezing in that tiny room). Looked at the clock again. Told myself to just get up and leave. Looked at the clock again.

    Then it hit me: My very first anxiety attack.

    When you have been in a lobby waiting and waiting, just to get into an exam room to wait and wait some more, your brain does funny things that work against you. I started to feel like I was going to be there forever, like I was forgotten, and like I didn’t matter.

    I thought about leaving numerous times, but then my brain would convince me that I was sure the doctor would be in in the next five minutes…she just had to be. Then she wasn’t, and I would wait five minutes more.

    This made the cycle of waiting even worse, since I began to do the math in my head about how much time of my life was being wasted at this doctor’s office.

    By the time my doctor came into the room, my palms were sweating, I was probably a bit pale, and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. I was also fighting back tears of frustration, anger, and stress.

    With a smile, she said, “Sorry for the wait. It’s been a busy day.” Trying to be polite I just nodded, and said it was okay, even though my body wanted me to scream, “If you know you’re going to be busy, let me know! I’ve been in here for over an hour!” and run out of the room.

    The next time I went to the doctor’s office I prepared. I had a big meal so I was well fed, I brought a book to pass the time, and I also brought a sweater to combat the cold. These little tweaks helped me to overcome the terrible inconveniences of my waiting environment, but not overcome the anxious feelings brought on by the waiting.

    The only thing that helped my anxiety was staying present.

    When I think about being right here, right now, I also like to think, “There is nowhere else I am meant to be.” If I know that I am meant to be right where I am, I can stay there and not feel like I should be somewhere else or that I am wasting my time waiting for others.

    I like to think that maybe I was meant to stay in that office for over two hours because on the way home I went to get coffee and saw an old friend that I would have otherwise missed.

    Maybe half an hour before I was able to go home, the perfect parking spot was unavailable in front of my apartment building. Perhaps my timing was so great that I got that perfect spot, and one of life’s little victories was mine.

    Maybe somehow the universe had me stay at that doctor’s office for over two hours in order to avoid heartache, pain, or annoyance that I could have been a part of otherwise.

    Maybe I was right there, right then, learning a lesson for future me to live in the moment and control my anxious thoughts.

    Things happen that are out of our control every day. Sometimes the person in front of you at the grocery store pays in pennies. Sometimes you sit alone and are in your own head for two hours feeling forgotten.

    If you can learn to acknowledge that you are right here, right now, for a reason, the thoughts that want to run wild in your head can be tamed, you can gain some control, and you can control your anxiety.

  • Fear Is Inevitable but It Doesn’t Have to Paralyze Us

    Fear Is Inevitable but It Doesn’t Have to Paralyze Us

    Man on Edge of Cliff

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    I woke up with a knot at the pit of my stomach, yet again. For as long as I could remember, I carried this intangible lump inside me. It went with me everywhere.

    I am fairly certain it woke up with me, and there was a small span of time when I was in the deepest of sleep when it took a break.

    Terrified—that’s how I felt all the time. Muscles taut and butterflies in my stomach. I was a wreck, ready for a meltdown anytime. It was many years later that I could put a name to it. It was fear.

    Through my teens and twenties, I tried to cope with fear of different kinds—fear of public speaking, fear of authority in school and at work, fear of displeasing someone, fear of saying “no,” fear of not being loved or appreciated, fear of my own shortcomings and their implications on my life…

    The list was very long and I couldn’t articulate it then, which made life much harder.

    Recognition of a problem is always the first step, and it was eluding me. Fear confused me because I could never point it out as that.

    We are not taught how to recognize and deal with fear in schools. (I really wish we were.) It was merely a “physically uncomfortable feeling.” “One day I will figure out what the hell this is.” That’s all I could muster at that time.

    Fear defined me. Omnipresent and overpowering, it was constantly present.

    I never thought I could reach out for help. Approach my parents with a “Mom, Dad, I suffer from great fear—fear of everything”? Nah! And coming out to friends would make me look weak or not good enough. Not happening!

    I often wondered if other people faced anything similar, or was it just me. It isolated me to a corner.

    Then one day, I stood up from the corner. Fear had consumed far too much of my time and I was tired of running from it. And frankly, I didn’t know what else to do.

    I started reading books on fear, watched any video I could find online on the topic, and journaling about my feelings. Devouring every piece of information I could find, I was ready to defeat it. Surprisingly, I started the process of understanding fear instead.

    And then came the AHA moment—the realization that I don’t need to protect myself from fear; I just need to accept it and then let go.

    It comforted me to know that it’s a universal phenomenon and that everybody, including the most successful people in the world, suffer from fear. I was not the only one after all. When fear came in, I knew it was normal to feel it, and the question then was: What am I going to do with it?

    Fear hasn’t left me yet. It drops by every chance it gets. But it’s no longer an enemy. It’s now a sticky friend who needs to be skillfully managed.

    Fear will never not be there, just like different experiences will always bring about the same gamut of emotions in us.

    Fear is largely based on the truths we have told ourselves. It’s a direct outcome of historic data in our minds, making millions of permutations and combinations of stories that may have nothing to do with our lives.

    One step that really helped in my journey was to question the underlying truth every time I experienced fear. A hundred percent of the time, I realized I completely made it up. I made up my “truths.”

    Slowly and steadily, I started changing the building blocks in my mind. For example, if I don’t say my “yes” to my boss for one more piece of work, he will not shoot me!

    Or, if I say “no” to my friend’s invitation, she will not hate me forever. (And even if she does, what’s the underlying truth there?)

    These things are just not factual or realistic; they’re at best hypothetical. The trick is to be honest about the underlying data we harbor. Once that cat is out of the bag, fear is vulnerable.

    What can we do?

    Separate yourself from your fear.

    The first big win is to recognize fear as a separate entity than us. This helps us with objectivity, which is precious in these situations.

    Accept fear.

    Know that fear will always try to sneak in. That’s just what it does. How we respond to it is in our hands.

    Study your fear.

    Really study it. What are you feeling? What is fear threatening you with this time? Is it really true that this can happen? If it does happen, what will it really do to you? Can you deal with what will happen?

    Connect with your soul.

    As long as we are centered and grounded, our soul will guide us. All fear finds its genesis in the risk of losing our lives. When we are really connected to our soul, we realize how formless and indestructible our true selves are. And that sets us free.

    How do we connect with our soul? Silence, prayer, and meditation are three tools that I bring into my days as much as I can. They help me ground and bring alignment into my life

    Last but not the least, be amused.

    Be amused by the heaviness it brings to our lives out of events that may be insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. Being late to a meeting, an uncomfortable conversation, failure of all kinds, they are never really as catastrophic as we make them out to be.

    A more balanced perspective will guide us through those trying times when fear gets the better of us. Let’s understand fear better instead of letting it control us. Life is too short and too beautiful to give in.

    Man on the edge of a cliff image via Shutterstock

  • A 10-Step Guide to Uncovering the Wisdom in Anxious Thoughts

    A 10-Step Guide to Uncovering the Wisdom in Anxious Thoughts

    Peaceful Woman

    “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

    Contained within your fears is genuine wisdom waiting to be discovered. Don’t underestimate this.

    In order to tap into this wisdom, you must interview your fears, meeting them with curiosity and compassion. Allow them to speak their wisdom to you. Listen deeply; get into the details in order pin down exactly what they are trying to communicate. Honor whatever it is you find.

    You see, these fears are like little children. They will kick and scream until you meet them with empathy. So do just that. Meet them with your full attention, sincerity, focus, and honest inquiry.

    They will calm back down to their submissive, lovable, true state of being. And what’s more, they will teach you something you do not yet know.

    Your fears carry wise messages that, over time, will lead you to your purpose, and happiness.

    Now, let’s begin.

    Answer the following questions. Go through this exercise, answering each and every question for each and every fear that is triggering anxiety.

    Begin with the thought that is bothering you most, or is the most pervasive in your mind.

    Anxious or Negative Thought #1: ___________________________

    1. Have you been faced with this thought before?

    2. Did you die?

    3. If you did not die, then what was the outcome?

    This question enables you to build upon the facts. It is almost always true that our fears will never manifest into reality. They tend to be made up events in our mind that have never actually happened and most likely never will.

    Recalling the factual outcome of past anxious thoughts helps you realize that what you fear is only a false scenario, existing only in your mind; it is not actually real.

    4. What were you doing before the thought arose in your mind?

    For example, what were you reading, viewing, saying, doing, eating, and with whom were you interacting? What emotions or feelings were created?

    5. How do you want to feel?

    6. What can you do right now, in this very moment to feel the way you want to feel?

    Find positive, factual examples that contradict your fearful thought and support a deeper, meaningful, life-giving perspective in accordance with how you want to feel.

    7. What can you do throughout this day/night to feel the way you want to feel?

    8. How do you feel now?

    9. What is this thought teaching you?

    10. Based on your inquiries above, what do you believe is the deeper message? What have you learned?

    Now take this deeper message to arrive at a positive affirmation. Speak this affirmation to yourself throughout this day or week.

    I used to, and sometimes still do, have trouble sleeping. It would give me the worst anxiety. So here is an example of how I have reasoned through it using the steps above:

    Anxious or Negative Thought #1: Will I sleep tonight? Or, I hope I sleep tonight.

    Here is my self-inquiry…

    1. Have I been faced with this thought before?

    Yes, many times.

    2. Was the outcome death?

    No, I am still here. Thankfully.

    3. Since I didn’t die, what happened the last time I had this thought? What are facts?

    I grew more and more anxious the sooner bedtime drew near. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up being exhausted the next day. These thoughts accelerated my anxiety, and made me feel jittery, off balance, and even more restless. I couldn’t sleep and lay awake all night.

    4. What was I doing before I had this thought and what was the state of my emotional environment?

    I was reading a magazine and came across an article about insomnia. It sparked extreme anxiety in me, as I quickly began to jump to conclusions in my mind that I had insomnia.

    The “what if’s” started to invade my mind asking questions like, “What if I had insomnia? What if I never sleep well again?” The questions created a burning sensation in my chest, I felt tingly and overcome in fear.

    5. How do I want to feel right now?

    I want to feel at peace. I want to feel calm in my heart and mind. I want to be at rest with my thoughts and reward my body and soul with a good night’s sleep so that I can feel ready to accomplish whatever tomorrow brings and share my light with the world.

    6. What can I do in this very moment to feel the way I want to feel?

    At this moment I can and will focus on the fact that I have been here before and have always made it through. I can remind myself that I have gone days with no sleep many times before and I am still among the living. Not just living, I am thriving.

    I have slept amazing on more occasions than not and I love the feeling of waking up feeling fully refreshed.

    7. What can I additionally do throughout this day and night to feel the way I described above?

    Tonight I can and will go to bed really early and see how it goes. I can read my book, remember how much love I have in my life, and express love toward myself in the form of surrender and acceptance of what is. I can reminisce on things I have to look forward to. I can meditate.

    8. How do I feel now?

    I feel less pressure. I feel sort of accepted by myself, cared for, and less stressed. I don’t feel as much anxiety; my breath is getting deeper, longer.

    I feel a wave of peace washing over me. I also feel supported by the tools I can use to help me along the way. With each night, I am gaining faith that this too shall pass.

    9. What is this thought teaching me?

    These sleepless nights teach me the importance of relaxation, positive self-talk, and quiet personal time. When I do sleep well tonight, or some other night, I will write down how/what I was feeling that night as a point of reference in my mind. I think that is the biggest teaching.

    10. What is the deeper message behind all this? What have I learned?

    I think the deeper message is to always keep moving forward. Focus on the positive and those things that bring me peace. Keep on growing and know that “this too shall pass”.

    My affirmation: Just as the sun always rises in the morning, strong and steady, so shall I.

    This exercise is designed to stop your mind from racing. It will break the trance you’re in—hypnotized by the river of your fears.

    As you meditate on each specific, maybe even repetitive and mundane thought, you are able to quiet the inner chatter. Through placing singular focus on one fearful thought at time, fully addressing it and gathering the information you need, you are able to see beyond the fear.

    You will come to find that each fearful thought contains wise tidbits of information—lessons that you can implement into your life. Once implemented, the fear is no more. You have met it with acceptance, understanding, and meaningful action. You have become one with it.

    So often it happens that our negative thoughts operate on autopilot. One simple fear sparks a fire that quickly leads to an inferno, and pretty soon you’re burning.

    One negative event, failure, or tiny little fearful thought can snowball into broad generalizations. You begin questioning your worth, intelligence, health, well-being, and existence based on one obstacle in the road.

    Reprogramming is, in essence, turning the autopilot off and allowing for a change in course. However, this takes time. Be patient with yourself.

    This exercise, along with other tools you consistently implement into your life, will work in small ways to course-correct.

    Through gentle introspection, interviewing your fears, and gathering important information, you are able to move forward with a soul-centered perspective onto the road of purpose, happiness, and life-fulfillment.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Managing Anxiety: 5 Steps to Open Your Mind and Calm Your Heart

    Managing Anxiety: 5 Steps to Open Your Mind and Calm Your Heart

    Calm Woman

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. From the time I was very young, I would worry about things—my life, my parents, my house, the state of the world.

    I would experience a tightness in my chest and an overall sense of fear that only got worse the more I worried. The more I worried, the more afraid I became of the unseen factors that plagued me.

    Anxiety is distress, caused by fear of danger or misfortune, and over the years this worry has driven me. It’s helped me to be high-achieving and extremely productive, all the while depleting my nervous system and creating exhaustion throughout my entire being.

    As an adult, I have recognized how this unnecessary fear has limited my ability to enjoy and be fully present within my life.

    I’ve learned that taking action, or guiding my thoughts down a more positive path, can transform my feelings to a much more grounded and peaceful place. I’ve created my own road map to navigate stress, anxiety, and worry in five steps.

    1. Slow your roll.

    When anxiety hits, everything around us seems to speed up. Physically, we feel our heart rate quicken or breath become shorter; and mentally, we might start to head down a rabbit hole of worst-case scenarios.

    When this happens, slow down. Shift activities, call a friend, watch a funny YouTube video, go for a run—anything that interrupts the cascade of worry and overwhelm that can create a mountain out of any molehill.

    2. Ask yourself: “What is true or what is actually happening right now?”

    Sometimes, just labeling exactly where you are in time and space (i.e. “I am driving to work.” “I am sitting at my desk.”), helps to refocus the brain and disrupt the physiological response that happens when stressors arise.

    Focusing on what is actually happening instead of “what if” helps us to minimize our initial reaction of panic and fear to awareness.

    3. What do I fear losing if this is true?

    Because anxiety is driven by fear, it is both empowering and helpful to label where the fear actually stems from. Many times, this can be from a fear of losing something—security, money, friendship, or love.

    By noting mentally what we are afraid might happen in a given situation, we can easier recognize the worry for what it is, most often, a fear of loss. The next time you feel anxiety coming on, it may be helpful to ask yourself which of these areas you fear losing?

    4. Where might I be limiting myself within this belief?

    As human beings, we have a tendency to focus on what is not going well, limiting our beliefs to those that focus on scarcity or lack. When anxiety is high, it can be much easier to focus on all that is wrong or bad instead of what is working or going well.

    By simply pausing and recognizing where you might be holding on too tightly or limiting your possibilities, you may notice that the picture is, in fact, much bigger than you had originally thought.

    5. Could there be a hidden gift or silver lining amidst this situation?

    We often learn from problems, mistakes, or painful events. Reminding yourself in a moment of panic that you’ve always landed on your feet can help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Envisioning yourself on the other side of this stress, lesson in hand, can be enormously helpful in actually getting you there. Sometimes simply reframing the situation to seek the lesson or hidden positive at the onset of a stressful situation can be useful in diffusing some of the anxiety.

    —

    I have learned, through years of exploring and recognizing my own anxiety triggers, how to create a sense of peace and calm even when things seem dire.

    As human beings, we are capable of creating our experience and have the power to choose whether we lead with fear and anxiety or an open heart and mind. Which do you choose? What experience will you create?

    Woman in a field image via Shutterstock

  • You Don’t Have to Let Your Anxious Thoughts Control You

    You Don’t Have to Let Your Anxious Thoughts Control You

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    As a child, anxious thoughts stopped me from doing a lot of stuff, so I missed out on sleepovers, parties, and scout camps some of the time.

    Anxiety whispered in my ear that it was always better to avoid, and so it became easy to convince myself I didn’t really want to do whatever was on offer. I now recognize those thoughts and don’t let them influence my choices.

    I remember as a teenager I went to a carvery with my friends, and when I queued up for my food I didn’t see the roasted potatoes. When I sat down I saw all my friends had roasted potatoes, and they were surprised I had none.

    The restaurant was full, and I felt too anxious to queue up again because I thought that people would look at me, which sounds crazy to me now, but I remember it very clearly.

    In reality, no one would have cared or even noticed had I got up and got some potatoes! My anxious thoughts forced me to go without.

    Making decisions has always made me feel anxious, as I constantly worried about what other people would think, and always allowed my anxiety about doing stuff to influence my decisions.

    Anxiety for me brings up feelings of helplessness, dread, and resistance. Helpless, as my anxious thoughts lead me to avoid what I want to do. Dread, as anxiety often makes things seem a lot worse than they really are. Anxiety has led me to resist many things I wanted to do and also to do many things I didn’t want to do.

    Dealing with Anxiety

    When I was eighteen I had the lead role in a play in a local theatre. I had never performed in front of many people before, so this was a huge deal for me. To my surprise, when the first night came I was not anxious but really excited and happy.

    This was a major turning point for me, and I realized it was because we had rehearsed and practiced so much that I was totally convinced it was going to be a success.

    At university, presentations made me feel highly anxious. People would often comment that as I had done some acting, presentations should be easy for me. That definitely wasn’t true.

    Public speaking is a very common fear and is something that I tried to avoid at all costs. After I finished university I did a master’s degree, and it was around this time I started to get interested in personal development. My book collection grew as I discovered the vast number of books that could help you with issues like anxiety.

    I began to realize that, even though I often had anxious thoughts, they didn’t have to control my choices and behavior.

    Now when I have anxious thoughts they often make me laugh, because I recognize them for what they are: just random thoughts from a part of my brain that never wants to do anything challenging or move out of my comfort zone.

    In the past, I was always worried about the future and never really focused on the present moment. Being mindful of what’s going on right now, and recognizing that thoughts are natural occurrences that you can choose to focus on or not, has really helped me to let go of my anxious thoughts and negative predictions about the future.

    As I studied personal development, I learned that you can change your mental state through your physiology, your body language, breathing, and speech.

    Making sure I stand up straight, control my breathing, speak clearly, and say positive phrases with real intensity changes my state. I do this when I am mindful that I have become worked up by some situation, and the anxiety of it is starting to affect me.

    Being aware of my thoughts and feelings, being mindful, and living in the present moment helps me live with my anxious thoughts. Changing my state has enabled me to get back to that feeling I had before going on stage, prior to activities which would have made me feel anxious in the past.

    After I finished my Master’s degree, I was astonished when my tutor invited me back to do some lecturing on the course I had just completed. I realized how far I had progressed in terms of dealing with anxious thoughts. And even though I immediately experienced some anxiety, I was able to realize that this was a wonderful opportunity for me, and that I would accept.

    During the following months, there were many times when I thought about the lectures and began to feel anxious. Each time I focused on how grateful I was to have the opportunity and what an amazing learning experience it would be. When I accepted that it would be a wonderful experience whether it went according to plan or not, I felt even more enthusiastic about it.

    “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” ~Samuel Beckett

    It seems to me that, like many others, much of my anxiety is born out of a fear of failing and being judged by other people.

    Since I started studying self-development and reading about people like Honda and Edison who failed over and over again, and attributed those failures to their success, I have become less afraid of failing. Failure is an important step toward being successful and the best way to learn valuable lessons.

    Another of the most important outcomes of coping with anxious thoughts has been that the more often I deal with them, the less afraid of them I become and the fewer I experience.

    That doesn’t mean I still don’t experience anxious thoughts from time to time, but if anxiety starts to build up, I address the cause of it straight away and do something positive to help the situation rather than avoiding. For example, before my first lecture I joined Toastmasters and made some speeches there, which helped prepare me and gave me confidence in my own ability.

    The most important lesson I’ve learned is that it is possible to experience anxiety without letting it play a major role in our lives. We can have anxious thoughts without letting anxiety control us.

    Photo by lian xiaoxiao

  • How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    Skipping Men

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an anxious person. My grandfather died when I was four years old and some of my earliest memories consist of panic attacks whenever I was left alone. In my mind, I had to keep my loved ones in sight at all times, so there would be no chance of them disappearing, just as my grandpa did.  

    From that point on, I slowly began to overcome my fears of separation from family. However, new anxieties began to take its place. Whether I was nervous about meeting new people or panicking over unexpected change, my anxiety was all consuming and seemingly endless, without an outlet.

    Somewhere in my senior year of high school, a friend suggested that I should start exercising to relieve some stress. The first day in the gym was a source of anxiety in itself. Between checking in, finding an open machine, and deciding what to do next, the entire process was entirely overwhelming.

    For a while, I was too nervous to step foot in the gym without a friend with me because I was too scared to be left alone with my thoughts for too long.

    Separation from familiar people is a scary thing in a time where you’re constantly connected no matter where you are. You can be standing on a mountaintop seemingly alone, but with thousands of people in your pocket.

    With this being the new reality, any time of time to yourself can be a source of anxiety.

    Eventually, I learned that being alone sometimes is a good thing. Each day I would step outside of my comfort zone and try something new. Some days it would be a walk around the block with only my dog and some silence. Other days, it was taking a yoga class by myself.

    Some of my challenges were harder than others. I found that taking classes in my gym enabled me to ease into workouts on my own.

    Although some days were successful, on others I would have serious setbacks. The worst of these was abandoning my workout because I knew someone who was working out and I was too embarrassed to complete my workout with them there.

    After years of being mocked for my lack of coordination, I feared judgment and began to feel that all eyes were on me during every move I made.

    Somewhere along the line I had a major realization: Only I can make myself happy. Stressing over a situation will in no way change it, and being self-conscious in the gym definitely wouldn’t get me in shape.

    While this realization pushed me to keep going, it didn’t resolve all of my fears. In the beginning I would still worry about what others thought and spend time stressing over every situation that was slightly outside of my comfort zone.

    Even though I realized that I had to make a change, I also realized that I wouldn’t do it overnight.

    Small steps on a daily basis gradually enabled me to be more comfortable with myself, both inside the gym and out. I slowly became more confident and frequently engaged in more situations that I never before imagined doing.

    At the beginning, my exercise was meant as means to relieve stress but only ended up causing more. I think this is because I didn’t do it for the right reasons. I sought out exercise as a cure-all that would wipe away my problems with only a few visits to the gym.

    Over time I began to see exercise for its greater meaning. It could be a short-term reliever of anxiety, but it was a life long journey toward better health. As soon as I started to see it that way, my fear diminished.

    This journey forced me to try to be a little better each and every day, to be stronger mentally and physically than I’ve ever been before.

    Many people think of exercise as a way to strengthen your body and calm your mind. Over time I realized that wasn’t what I needed. I needed to strengthen both my body and mind, and I had to do so through challenging both.

    I could have easily have gotten in shape in my basement as many others do, but that would not have challenged my anxious mind. I would have felt safe and calm in the confines of my comfort zone.

    The best thing I ever did was get that gym membership and force myself to get there. It not only led to a love of physical activity, but it also led to a feeling of confidence that I had never before experienced.

    Anxiety is a tough thing to deal with. It makes you feel guilty and scared, and it can keep you from doing things you love.

    While my anxiety never truly went away, it no longer controls or defines me. The best way to reduce the impact it has on you is to try your hardest to step outside of your comfort zone whenever you can.

    Even though it feels frightening at first, doing a little more each day can help make it seem less overwhelming. Over time, you’ll be able to do things you never knew were possible. Time and effort will make your journey easier and lessen the burden of your struggle.

    For me, making the active decision to push myself is what got me through the worst of my anxieties.

    Now, when anxiety tries to challenge me, I know that I’m the stronger one.

    Photo by istolethetv

  • 3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” ~ Albert Einstein

    An anxious mind is a hard burden to bear. In fact, if you suffer from an anxious mind it can truly feel like a curse.

    The racing thoughts. The daily tirade of “what ifs.” The relentless voice of your inner critic constantly nagging you and deriding your every move.

    And the worst part is that the mental chatter feels uncontrollable. Truly, there were times when I struggled in vain to quiet my mind.

    It was like there was some hub or center in my brain that had gone haywire, flipped into overdrive, and couldn’t be switched off.

    I used to despair a lot over my unquiet mind. Even the great spiritual masters struggled to achieve mastery over their minds, so how could I?

    I read a lot about mindfulness and tried some mental mastery techniques like the Sedona Method and Emotional Freedom Technique. I meditated. These techniques helped, but the results would only last for a short time; the underlying issues driving my anxiety persisted and whatever peace I got would be short-lived.

    I eventually realized that if I was to quiet my chatterbox mind I would have to stop trying to control my mind and focus instead on letting my anxiety teach me what it wanted to teach me.

    I started keeping a dream journal (I had many of the typical anxiety dreams). I also started to get real with myself, sitting still with my anxious thoughts whenever they occurred and letting myself be receptive to what they were trying to show me.

    I went from trying to control and resist my anxious thoughts to the deeper place of understanding their underlying message and inherent wisdom. Here’s what I discovered.

    An anxious mind can be caused by:

    1. Unresolved relationship issues

    It turns out an anxious mind can be caused by unresolved issues in our interpersonal relationships. The anger, jealousy, regret, or unspoken feelings (positive or negative) that we harbor toward people lives on in our subconscious minds, undermining our inner peace. This is true even when we are not around those people or consciously focusing on them.

    For me, I had spent many years silently harboring anger toward my mother and father for perceived failures as parents. I was also holding on to an infatuation with a former flame that I hadn’t seen in years, and was still mentally “tuned into” negative relationship dynamics from as far back as my high school years.

    As I began to face up to these unresolved relational issues, releasing people from my heart’s tribunal, my anxiety decreased to a surprising extent. I literally felt like I could breathe easier.

    2. Unexpressed gifts or desires

    Anxious thoughts can be the result of unexpressed gifts, especially if the thoughts center around your career or how you spend your free time. In this way, anxiety is a manifestation of inner guidance.

    There is some gift or higher aspect of who you are that wants and needs to be expressed, but that has been denied expression because of fear.

    Psychologists have figured out that human beings have an inherent drive for self-actualization—to fulfill our individual potential. When there are obstructions to self-actualization, anxiety takes root.

    In ancient times, prophets often spoke of the urge to prophesy as being like a “fire shut up in their bones.”

    Anxiety is like this―a bottled-up feeling of having something inside of you that you long to express. The gift, desire, or calling within that longs for expression is bigger than you; it is tied up with your purpose for existing, which is why it feels so painful when it is suppressed.

    For me, my anxiety was telling me that I had a gift for using words and expressing myself through writing that I wasn’t cultivating enough. I also had leadership abilities and a yearning for spiritual development that I was ignoring.

    It could be latent artistic gifts, the secret desire to adopt a child, or a pull toward motivational speaking. Whatever it is, learning to express it will work wonders for your anxiety.

    3. Guilt

    Guilt is the emotional and cognitive state we experience when we feel we have done something wrong. We may have violated our own moral code or expectations, or those of others, or we may simply think that we have done something wrong even when we haven’t.

    Whatever the case, we feel judged (or we judge ourselves harshly and unforgivingly) for our actions, thoughts, or simply for being who we are.

    And because it’s so hard to express guilt (it’s not like anger where you can punch some pillows), guilt is often an internalized emotion, commonly referred to as a “bothered conscience.” Guilt sinks deep into our subconscious and manifests as anxious thoughts―it’s like our inner critic on heroin.

    At one time I harbored a lot of guilt over old friendships I had broken off. I had broken off those friendships because they were limiting my growth yet I still felt like I had violated my own standards of what it meant to be a good friend, hence the guilt.

    I walked around for years with a lot of anxiety because my guilt-tripped inner critic was always telling me that I hadn’t been a good friend in the past and never would be.

    I would feel guilty if I was anything less than the perfect, always-available, always-upbeat friend, and the fear that I wasn’t a good friend made me anxious about forming new friendships. I was always worried that I was doomed to mess up my friendships.

    It was only by examining my guilt more closely that I came to understand that my standards of being a good friend were irrational; after all, people change, it’s okay to move on, and you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a good friend.

    So our guilt is often irrational or out of proportion with what’s really at stake. And even if you feel your guilt is justified, remember everyone makes mistakes.

    You deserve self-compassion. So embrace it and put your anxious mind at ease!

  • How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    “Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    As a child in ballet I was chastised for my inability to capture attitude or arabesque. With only one foot planted on the ground I reached for anything to prop myself up—the barre, the instructor, an unsuspecting fellow tutu-wearing classmate who would then lose balance herself.

    My days at ballet were short lived, but my trouble balancing was not. This persisted for decades, through college and into the early years of my marriage.

    Now I was no longer just hoping to stand steadily and gracefully on one foot, but instead was trying endlessly to balance hopes with expectations, mental energy with physical willingness, yearning and desire with fatigue and dread.

    Fast-forward through my short-lived childhood aspirations of becoming a ballerina to my first yoga class. Walking into the classroom I instinctively stretched out my mat at the end of the room, right up against the wall. Without thinking about it I created a safety net to hold onto. In case of a fall, the wall would be right there. In case I lost my balance.

    About midway through the practice my instructor set up a metaphor that stuck with me. “Your mat is your world, and you are here, present in the midst of it,” she said. “We all have areas of our life that need attention. Start applying that attention here and now.”

    As she guided us into a new pose she concluded, “If you require strength, then push yourself harder. If you require peace, then take a deep breath.”

    That is when I toppled over—as if on cue, and the wall didn’t catch me either. A sign could not have struck me more clearly. My mat is my world, and I need to find balance.

    But the mat wasn’t actually my world, and outside of the yoga studio there were things calling to me. There were questions I had to answer, decisions I needed to make, people I had to talk to. With two feet planted firmly on the ground I was still in danger of losing balance.

    This lack of balance stretched far beyond my physical abilities. It poured over into my personal life, academic endeavors, and career choices. Imbalance seemingly seeped into every action I attempted.

    I developed an all-or-nothing mentality. I either had a calendar packed with things to do at every waking moment or I let every bit of it go and spent long days in bed, wondering if anyone would call. I was either overconfident in my abilities or completely unsure of myself; I felt loved or I felt hated.

    This perpetual imbalance left me in a constant state of anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect out of myself. So I took a step back, evaluated the role I was playing in my own life, and I found my center.

    In my journey to finding inner balance, I found that there are five fundamental changes I had to make:

    1. Stop being busy.

    Busyness isn’t a packed to-do list; it’s a mentality. If you want to be busy, things you love to do and even otherwise relaxing activities can grow overwhelming as you turn them into tasks.

    Busyness can quickly become a mask to hide behind. I wanted people to think I was busy more than I wanted to do the tasks I had taken on. I let go of the need to be busy and learned to accept and appreciate downtime as space for self-development.

    2. Learn when to let chances pass.

    Opportunities knock, but not all of them are right for you. Job offers will come, friendships will be formed, and investments will be proposed. Not all of them need to be taken. There are things that I have thought I wanted, and when finally faced with the chance to act I felt more obligated than interested.

    Continuing down this road isn’t helping anyone and is only going to drive you towards greater imbalance. Learn to cut your losses and listen to your gut.

    3. Recognize external pressure.

    Not every problem you face is your problem to solve. Friends, family members, and co-workers may inadvertently push their problems onto your shoulders to bear, but you do not need to accept it. External pressure can drive you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with and can cause you to second-guess yourself.

    Listen to yourself first, and reassert your personal control over your own actions.

    If there was no pressure there would be no need for finding balance. Part of maintaining balance in your life is finding the will to continue in the face of pressure, and learning when it is okay to let it go.

    4.  Stop rushing.

    I once grew pestered with my husband for taking so long to get ready for a day at the beach, and then became flustered by the traffic on our way there. He found it hilarious that I could grow so stressed in this situation. “Hurry up to wait” is what he called it, and he was right.

    I created a deadline where there wasn’t one and forced my desire to rush onto him.

    No one has the right to dictate how anyone else spends their time. You move at your own pace and I, at mine. We all have destinations we are striving to reach, whether they are physical, emotional, or even in our career.

    There are things to learn along the way, so don’t rush the process.

    5. Accept the present.

    The past is loaded with anxiety and thoughts about things you should have or could have done. The future is packed with unknowns and ideals of what should happen. Constantly struggling between the past and future will leave anyone unbalanced.

    The present is the center. To find balance you have to accept the moment you are living in now. The past has already played out, and the future will unravel as it comes. The time worth thinking about is now.

    There are things in life that are going to knock you off your feet, and there are times that you are going to lose balance. Maintaining inner balance isn’t just learning how to stay grounded. It involves finding the strength to get back up after you fall and to try again.

  • 3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

    3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

    “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” ~Proverb

    A few months ago, I moved from the metropolitan east coast to rural Indiana and bunked up with my grandparents to help them sell their house.

    The house has finally sold, and now I am faced with options for where to go next. In other words, my future is completely uncertain at this point, and I’m experiencing quite a bit of anxiety over it.

    On the real, I’m silently, and at times not so silently, freaking out.

    Anxiety is so annoying in that it can be completely paralyzing. It is for me right now.

    My anxiety has taken over my productivity and has almost completely shut down my creativity. Also, my sleep is suffering, which impacts my skin, eating habits, and energy. It’s a yucky downward spiral, my friends.

    The major bummer is that my anxiety doesn’t solve any of the things I’m worried about, and the blocked energy flow this negative emotion generates only creates more problems. What is a distressed girl to do?

    Today I dragged my anxiety with me to my meditation pillow, and had a piece of paper where I quickly jotted down all of my greatest fears surrounding this move that’s upon me in just a few short weeks. I sat for a moment and wrote down anything that surfaced.

    What came up was that I am fretting that I won’t have enough money to support my upcoming move, I’m wondering what would happen if my car breaks down, and I’m worrying that I might not be happy in my next environment (and so forth). All valid fears, I would say.

    But then I realized that I really needed to dissect those fears further. (more…)

  • Overcoming Anxiety: Moving from Fear to Presence

    Overcoming Anxiety: Moving from Fear to Presence

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    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    When I was a trainee teacher at a Cambridge University, I attended one of the oldest, most sought-after colleges, where most of the other graduate students were astrophysicists and economists, and 90% male.

    They also seemed to come from families that were in some way related to the Queen of England, whereas I was a young, pregnant, trainee high school teacher whose nearest connection to Queens was owning a Freddie Mercury single, and I was a little shy.

    Formal college dinners were a regular occurrence, and you were expected make small talk as you sipped your cream sherry in the medieval banquet hall in your black robes before dinner.

    When I tried to talk honestly about what I was studying or what I was interested in, it tended to lead to embarrassed mumblings and a quick escape.

    So one day, when someone asked me what I did, I said I was a lion tamer.

    Their eyes lit up. “Really?” they asked, intrigued. “Oh yes!” I replied, “Each day I have to have nerves of steel as I enter a room of caged brutes and try to get them to perform tricks!”

    I am no longer a teacher. But I am still a lion tamer.

    In fact, it was the lions that stopped me teaching, the same lions who were hiding under the table at those grand banquets, when I couldn’t think of anything to say.

    Yes, you heard me right, I live in close proximity to a caged lion. Wild, unpredictable, untamable, he longs to roam the plains. But instead, it’s just him and me, locked in my head together. His name? Anxiety!

    I have learned what makes him roar, what feeds him. He smells blood and out he comes, lured by deadlines, taxes, financial issues, illness, death, or medical professionals. So far, so normal.

    But he’s a strange type. He doesn’t like parties and social occasions, talking on the phone, images of me, swim suits, nudity, heights, or criticism.

    And so anxiety and I live together. I know how to keep him sweet, and keep myself safe. We have learned to make deals. And I avoid his territory like the plague. (more…)

  • 6 Steps to Release Your Fear and Feel Peaceful

    6 Steps to Release Your Fear and Feel Peaceful

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    “We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn.” ~Mary Catherine Bateson

    It was a balmy spring morning and I started my day as per usual, but I soon realized that my mind was entertaining fearful thoughts about my financial insecurity.

    With many new ventures within the seedling stage, my income flow was erratic and unpredictable, while my financial responsibilities were consistent and guaranteed. At the time I ignored these thoughts as “petty,” like a parent dismissing a crying child after a mild fall on the pavement.

    What I didn’t realize was that my mind wanted to entertain these fear-based thoughts like a Hollywood blockbuster, and as you may know, what you focus on expands. 

    Before I knew it, my body was in a state of complete anxiety and fear. I literally felt my cognitive and creative centers shutting down. I felt completely powerless, a hostage to my own mind.

    My body felt paralyzed, and I felt disconnected from my talents and gifts. I felt separate, isolated, and vulnerable. I became a victim of the fear.

    In this moment I realized the powerful impact thoughts can have on how we feel, mentally and physically. Here is what unfolded through me, and the lessons I treasured from this experience.

    Fear is a closed energy, referred to as inverted faith. Fear exists when we do not trust our connection to the infinite part of who we are and buy into a story about what’s unfolding in our life.

    The emotions we feel are created from the thoughts that we choose to focus on, consciously or unconsciously. The emotions act as markers to let us know if we are focusing on expansive, empowering thoughts or fearful, limiting thoughts.

    If I were to relate this in a story, it may be like a pilot believing he no longer had any guidance or support from the airport control tower in a large storm, and no instruments on board to detect if he was on a collision course with another airplane.

    If the control tower represents the infinite part of who we are, which always knows what’s best for us, it can be understandable why the pilot with no other guidance except for his own eye sight would be fearful of the situation at hand.

    An alarm on the plane beeping at the pilot would represent the emotions. The alarm’s purpose is to get the attention of the pilot so he can focus and realize he is off the path.

    Once our emotions start to take a grip of our physical body, what can we do to move from a state of limitation and fear into an open, tranquil, peaceful state?  (more…)

  • The Surprising Secret to Being on Time

    The Surprising Secret to Being on Time

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For many years, the only way I knew to get from one place to another was to rush. I was chronically “running late.” In fact I couldn’t conceive of managing time in any other way. I usually would get to an appointment in the nick of time, but never without a rush.

    Now, if rushing occurred in a vacuum, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. But the truth is, when we rush, it’s not just about moving faster. It’s an entire frame of mind. The world becomes our enemy—a jungle to machete through on our way to wherever. The nicest person can behave like a demon possessed.

    There’s an old Disney cartoon from the 50’s called Motor Mania, starring Goofy. Baby Boomers will remember Goofy, a not-too-quick-witted but exceedingly amiable fellow with long black ears. But once Goofy gets behind the wheel of his car, he becomes like Dr. Jekyll and  Mr. Hyde.

    His entire personality changes. His eyes begin spiraling in his head, his sweet smile turns into a vicious snarl, and every other driver on the road is in peril.

    We all laughed at Goofy’s crazy behavior because it rang true. We’d seen our parents behave like this, and we would grow up to do the same. In our culture, being in a rush is an excuse to become less than human.

    It’s common to treat each other terribly when we’re “in a hurry.” We get a pass if we’re in a rush. It’s considered “normal” behavior.

    When my kids were young, I believed my job as a good parent was to teach my children how to hurry. My son Charlie was a particularly slow learner in this department. When he was in elementary school, every school day began in a rush. Well, mom would be in a rush; the kids, not so much. This would only add to my internal sense of pressure.

    Arriving at school just before the bell, Charlie would casually start the long walk across the playground to his classroom.

    The kid was infuriatingly slow.

    “Hurry Charlie!” I would yell from the car. (more…)

  • How to Feel Less Stressed About the Uncertain Future

    How to Feel Less Stressed About the Uncertain Future

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    “Uncertainty” may be one of the least popular places to hang out.

    I hear this all the time from my clients, friends, and truth be told, from the voice inside my own head. Certainty is almost always preferable to uncertainty. Humans like to know.

    I wanted to know when our house was on the market last year. Would it sell? When would it sell? How much would we get? Should we start packing up closets now, or wait until the offers start rolling in?

    I found it difficult to be in the moment with all of that uncertainty swirling around. It felt so difficult, in fact, that I found myself creating action steps that were not yet necessary—such as packing up closets—in an attempt to distract myself from the uncertainty-induced anxiety I didn’t want to feel.

    Similarly, I really wanted to know when I was forming my business a few years ago.

    Rather than revel in the excitement of the unknown, I wanted certainty. I wanted to know what it would look like in one year and in ten years. Where would my clients come from? What would my days feel like? I wanted to know exactly how everything would fall into place.

    Mostly, I wanted a guarantee that it would “work” the way I hoped it would. Faith wasn’t going to cut it. The thrill of anticipation? No, thank you.

    I had no interest in fuzzy details or that wide open place where you’re not sure what’s happening but anything is possible. I would have taken certainty any day of the week.

    Wide open views and unlimited possibilities aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

    Most of us, it seems, want to know. We want to know where we’ll live, what our next career will look like, and how it will all go down.

    It almost doesn’t matter if what we know is accurate, beneficial, or true.

    We aren’t searching for truth or clarity or insight as much as we’re simply searching for something reliable to grab ahold of.

    But the more I’ve worked to foster inner peace and the more I’ve tested the uncertainty waters with curiosity and a little less fear, the more I  think uncertainty gets a bad rap. Maybe it doesn’t have to be so bad.

    Here are four steps we can take to make uncertainty bearable. Exciting, even. (more…)

  • 5 Meditation Myths and the Benefits of Starting Today

    5 Meditation Myths and the Benefits of Starting Today

    “Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are.” ~Karen Maezen Miller

    My personal rock-bottom wake-up call came a few years ago when, despite having achieved all of my personal and business goals, I found that I still wasn’t content or experiencing peace of mind.

    Feeling frustrated, I realized that I could no longer rely on my future to fulfill me. I knew continuing to work so hard to accomplish bigger and better goals wasn’t going to relieve my eternal itch that there must be more to life than this.

    To make matters worse, my increasing frustration led to a rocky time in my relationship, which inevitably ended with my partner leaving. Along with the beautiful child I’d been raising, the great house I was living in, the fancy car I was driving, and the pile of money we’d jointly secured as projects fell away too.

    Rock bottom, needing peace, I started exploring alternative ways of thinking, being, and living.

    It was around about that time when I met a group of meditation teachers that changed my life. I saw in their eyes a peace and joy that I had rarely seen before. And the more I spent time with them, the more it became obvious to me that their inner peace was consistent.

    Hungry to experience the same, I packed my bag and headed off to meditate with them for a few months. I spent ten weeks on the island of Patmos in Greece, followed by a further fourteen weeks in the mountains of Mexico.  

    During my time meditating I had a total turnaround in thinking. I discovered the real cause of my persistent problems had never been my failings at “thinking positively.”

    Instead, my habit of thinking was the ultimate cause of my problems. When I was busy thinking, I was missing the peace that’s always present. And by learning to think less and be present, I found life much more enjoyable.

    Meditation serves many purposes, from stress relief to self-awakening. Personally, I started meditating because I was fed up with my mind working overtime. I wanted peace, and through meditating regularly I have become less focused on the movement of my mind and more aware of the pristine peace that is always present. (more…)

  • 7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

    7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA, or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

    I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

    If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

    My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

    Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat. (more…)