Tiny Buddha

Tag: anxious

  • How to Stop Dwelling: A Simple Practice to Let Go of Anxious Thoughts

    How to Stop Dwelling: A Simple Practice to Let Go of Anxious Thoughts

    “Change your thoughts and you change the world.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

    We all encounter times in life when someone says or does something that offends us. After the fact, no matter how hard we try to let go of feelings of hurt or resentment, we might find it hard to move on.

    I know, I’ve been there before myself, mostly when I wished I’d told people how I really felt in certain encounters, or when I doubted what I’d said or done and then replayed past events over again in my mind.

    I am a reformed people pleaser, and as a result, I haven’t always expressed my honest feelings to others.

    More times that I can count, I felt self-conscious and anxious while approaching certain people and situations in life.

    Was I funny enough? Did I seem unintelligent? Did I unknowingly offend someone? These kinds of questions would creep into my mind and take over my mood on a daily basis.

    My self-doubt and fear of confrontation not only affected how I represented myself in social settings, it also caused a lot of unnecessary worry and tension in my relationships.

    There was a turning point when I was fed up with avoiding conflict and tired of feeling hurt. I realized that in order to change how I felt, I needed to perceive the world through a different lens.

    “You will be free the moment you stop worrying about what other people think of you.” ~Unknown

    In college, I remember one of my professors asking each person in the classroom what they wanted to accomplish at the end of their academic career. The first thing that came to mind was “I don’t want to take things personally any longer.”

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but at that very moment my journey had begun.

    While completing my degree, I worked closely with people who had been abused and neglected. They had been completely and utterly unseen by the people they trusted most. Not only did my heart ache for what they had lived through, my eyes slowly started to open. These amazing individuals were enough, even if no one ever led them to believe that they were.

    And I was enough. I didn’t have to second-guess the things that I did, or allow self-doubt to get in the way of my happiness.

    I could simply exist in the world without my anxiety defining me.

    Shortly after this discovery I met a kind Buddhist mentor, and through deep daily mindfulness practices, I learned how to tame the anxious, unproductive thoughts that came into my mind and not get swept away by them.

    As I continued my inner work, I was kinder and more patient with others and myself.

    In time, I realized that struggle is universal, and that we all share these encounters in some form at some point in our lives.

    How we relate to our pain is what shapes the outcome.

    We can either crumble under life’s pressures or embrace them and become more evolved versions of ourselves. Our true nature is who we are underneath our struggles and stories, and accessing that nature is the key to feeling at peace.

    Our disposition and family of origin greatly affect how we observe and react to the world around us. But we are not powerless; we can change how we respond to life’s difficulties.

    Have you ever admired someone who came out of the other end of adversity stronger, wiser, and better equipped for the road ahead? You do not have to admire that person; you can be them.

    Take a brief moment and think back to a time when someone said or did something that troubled you. Did negative thoughts take over your mind? Was your heart pounding? Did you find it hard to concentrate? Did this moment feel like it would never end?

    I know from personal experience that stress can sometimes feel like an out-of-body experience. Our thoughts can quickly take over and we can get caught up in our heads. Over time we can start relying on that comfortable place of simply reacting without thinking, or we can push our feelings away and disconnect from situations completely, like I did.

    For this reason, I have adapted my own go-to mindfulness exercise, inspired by Tara Brach’s RAIN practice, that I have used time and time again and referred to others. This method can help you to develop deep awareness of your thoughts, as you’re facing difficult moments or shortly after, while offering yourself words of compassion and kindness.

    One of the first times I put this technique into practice, it helped me move into a more accepting, healing place.

    A few years back I was at a meet for new mothers. It was my first time there, and all the conversations made it difficult to hear.

    I had asked someone in the crowd to repeat their child’s name, which was, “Wren,” a pretty name, like the bird. Another mother overheard me and loudly mentioned to another person that people from the city weren’t worldly and had little knowledge of nature.

    I wondered what I possibly could have done to offend this woman. My thoughts spread like a wildfire.

    I felt deeply angered by her comment. I proceeded to doubt myself, questioning if there was something I had said to the group that day which seemed silly or unintelligent. My next course of action was to start thinking of things to say to counteract her verbal attack, a way of proving my knowledge.

    While all of these ideas bubbled up in my mind, I was completely silent. I felt a burning sensation brewing in my stomach and chest.

    I tried to make the best of the meet after that, but couldn’t help but feel irritated. I gave this person the cold shoulder the rest of the day and was upset with her. I was also angry with myself for not rising above the pettiness by choosing to snub her.

    Later that evening, I kept thinking about what she had said and why she chose me as her target.

    Once again I had fallen into the trap of avoiding conflict at the expense of my well-being.

    I proceeded to break down what I was feeling and what needed my attention most, and this brought me much needed internal comfort.

    O P E N to Your True Nature

    The next time you find yourself over-thinking past situations or feeling overwhelmed by life’s stresses, try this exercise to offer yourself some compassion and bring yourself back into the present moment.

    Observe

    Close your eyes and take a breath. Notice how your body feels—tension in the stomach or heaviness in the shoulders, for example. Then notice the thoughts you’re thinking in the moment or are dwelling on from the past, and name them, such as, worrying, fearing, replaying, or planning.

    When you observe your thoughts, you’re able to choose which to believe and which to let pass. You can choose not to believe that someone else meant to hurt you, that you did something wrong, or you deserve to be judged. You can see these thoughts as nothing more than knee-jerk reactions to a perceived offense, and not reflections of reality or ideas you need to let influence your state of mind.

    Peace

    When you are ready, bring peace to your mind and body by saying, “I am deeply hurt and it is okay to feel the way that I do.” (Use comforting words to ease your distress about a specific situation.)

    Some other thoughts that may bring you peace: “Even if other people judge me, I don’t have to judge myself.” “What other people say and do is about them, not me.”

    Enjoy

    Take a deep breath and take a moment to sit in the calmness of mind and body.

    Nature

    Say to yourself: “The moment has passed and now I am at peace. This is my true nature.”

    More times than not, the present moment is an anchor, solace in the midst of chaos. You can always come back to the present moment.

    Observing my thoughts and accepting the situation for what it was not only enabled me to make peace with what happened, but also helped me foster compassion for the woman who offended me. I realized that her bias might have come from a vulnerable and wounded place.

    Being a new mom isn’t easy and I can identify with that; perhaps she was feeling insecure that day and displaced the judgment she had of herself onto me.

    Had I not have taken a step back to assess my own thoughts I may not have been able to feel compassion for her.

    As I continue to practice OPEN, it allows me to feel and examine the full gamut of my emotions, and in turn this allows me to feel deeper connection and concern for others.

    I am no longer as self-conscious and I don’t take things personally as often.

    The lesson I learned in all of this was that worrying about what others think of me does not change anything, and life is unpredictable and out of my control. This discovery was actually pretty liberating for me.

    I think we could all benefit from learning to tap into awareness and calm our mind. We can learn to forgive and be kind to ourselves, and to the people around us. And we can create space between ourselves and our anxious thoughts so that they don’t define us or throw us off our center.

    The next time you feel anxiety rising, remember that our thoughts can hold us back or deeply restore us. However, we do have a choice to listen to the thoughts that encourage us so we can open to our true peaceful (or balanced or noble) nature.

  • How My Drive to Succeed Led to Crippling Anxiety (And How I Got My Life Back)

    How My Drive to Succeed Led to Crippling Anxiety (And How I Got My Life Back)

    “The only way out is through.” ~Robert Frost

    The suffocating pressure from being obsessively focused on achievement and improvement led to escalating stress and anxiety over the years, but I ignored my feelings and kept attacking my goals.

    Over time it became darker and heavier. It became crippling. It forced me to put a stop to almost everything in my life.

    I’m a type A personality driven by a need for accomplishment. When I was in elementary school, I did my homework immediately after getting home even though my mom begged me to take a break. In high school, I regularly stayed up past midnight working on homework and scholarship applications.

    This need to succeed brought many gifts. I succeeded in school, work, and sports. My methods to achieve my goals were consistently reinforced by positive results.

    But this “success” came with a price that took a toll on my mental health. The only way I knew to succeed was through uncompromisingly high expectations and an unrelenting work ethic. When things didn’t go right, I was hard on myself and doubled down on my efforts.

    The journey to reclaim my life from anxiety took six months that felt like six years. Along the way, I learned how to manage my anxiety (there is no defeating it) so that I could live my life again: accept everything as it is, try to succeed without attaching to the outcome, and let thoughts come and go.

    Crippling Anxiety

    Over the years, as I pursued one goal after another with laser focus, the anxiety grew. I didn’t understand what it was. I didn’t want to deal with it.

    I felt ashamed of the emotions my anxiety created. I felt like I shouldn’t be having the thoughts that raced and spiraled through my head.

    I tried to stop them through sheer willpower. That created more anxiety. I didn’t utter a word about anxiety to anyone, even myself.

    About nine months ago, the anxiety I had been pushing down for years exploded like a volcano. It didn’t give me the option to continue ignoring it.

    It forced me to stop almost everything in my life: writing, running errands, hanging out with friends, and taking part in any social activities. During this time, I only left my house to go to work. Commuting to work and making it through the day took up every ounce of energy and willpower I had.

    I worried on a mental loop. I worried about worrying. I couldn’t stop the seemingly endless dark thoughts, fears, and mental distortions that surfaced.

    My mental loops and panic attacks could last for six hours before I got a second of relief. I had an overwhelming fear of losing it all. The anxiety manifested itself physically through shortness of breath and elevated heart rate.

    I twisted and turned in bed for hours because it was so painful. The anxiety came in unrelenting waves. It came with the force of a hurricane.

    Days and weeks were swallowed by an endless loop of anxious and fearful thoughts that felt like they would never release their grip on me. Surviving each day became an all-consuming task.

    Road to Recovery

    Getting better was the toughest challenge of my life, even though I directed my will to succeed and work ethic to healing. Freedom from the prison of anxiety felt so far away that I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to live my normal life again.

    The recovery was painfully slow for my driven personality. At the beginning of the process, panic attacks and racing thoughts dominated my days. But I kept working at it, regardless of how dark and hopeless I felt.

    I tried my best each day. I took it one day at a time. I went to therapy twice a week, exercised every day, meditated three times a day, and played Mario every day to relax myself and quiet my mind.

    I tried to practice acceptance. I tried to not resist or dive into the dark thoughts. I say “tried” because most of the time I failed at successfully executing these habits.

    I had the highest urgency to improve. My life depended on it. Every action I took was centered around managing and decreasing the anxiety.

    Every day felt like an epic battle with my mind. I learned the hard way that there are no quick fixes for anxiety. There’s no strategy or seven-step program that eliminates anxiety from your life.

    Slowly but surely, I made progress. It felt like three steps forward, two steps back. Yet, most weeks were better than the prior week.

    Over time, I gained tools and skills that helped me cope with the anxiety. I learned new lessons every day about dealing and living with anxiety. I uncovered important truths about what had led me to this painful reality.

    The anxiety forced me to examine my actions, priorities, and values, and where my life was headed. At the time, I wished there were easier ways to learn those lessons. Your greatest teachers are your failures. That’s the way life works.

    I’d like to say it’s been a storybook ending. That I’ve conquered anxiety. That the racing thoughts and fear have vanished from my life. Anxiety doesn’t work that way, though.

    That being said, I’m back to living my normal life. I’ve discovered a new definition of success. I’ve improved my ability to manage the anxiety.

    Mindsets to Manage Anxiety

    Anxiety still shows up unannounced. I can’t control the intensity or nature of my anxiety. However, I can manage it if I’m mindful of how I go about my days and how I react to it when it shows up.

    Everyone’s anxiety is unique. If you’re battling anxiety, you’ll have to experiment to find out what works best for you. But you’re not alone.

    Although people don’t tend to talk about their struggles with anxiety, more people than you can imagine deal with intense anxiety: an estimated 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders.

    Here are behaviors and mindsets that generally decrease my anxiety levels:

    • Accepting everything in my life as it is
    • Not worrying about things I can’t control or change
    • Observing my thoughts from the sidelines instead of engaging with them
    • Questioning thoughts: Do I have to go into this thought? Is this fear-based thought true?
    • Allowing anxiety to spend time with me; riding the wave instead of going against the current and fighting anxiety
    • Being okay with my flaws and weaknesses
    • Letting go of the need to succeed and accepting the outcome of my actions, good or bad

    These behaviors and mindsets cause my anxiety to spike:

    • Replaying past experiences on a mental loop
    • Being hard on myself when I don’t meet my standards
    • Blaming myself for actions or thoughts that caused me more anxiety
    • Resisting fearful thoughts or anxiety
    • Engaging with and reacting to every thought; being in the middle of the storm of my thoughts
    • Trying to deconstruct why I had a thought or feeling
    • Trying to control my thoughts instead of my reactions to them
    • Obsessing over what other people may think about things I did or said
    • Needing to and having to succeed

    Acceptance is the Key Ingredient

    I resisted the concept of acceptance when my therapist introduced it to me. I thought if I practiced acceptance, I would lower my standards and give up my commitment to excellence.

    I thought acceptance represented being okay with mediocre effort and average results. I thought it would lead me to lose the drive to succeed that has been one of the key ingredients to my accomplishments in life.

    I was wrong. Acceptance can (and should) be paired with a drive to succeed. An engine to produce at a high level leads you to put in the hard work that’s necessary to achieve your goals.

    Acceptance allows you to let go of the result once the hard work is complete. It frees you from worrying and being attached to the outcome, because that’s out of your control. Acceptance is living in the world of what is, instead of what should be, what could be, or what you want it to be.

    Acceptance is a simple idea yet it’s difficult to put it into practice for a perfectionist with a tendency to overanalyze. Although it’s been a struggle to increase acceptance in my life, I’ve discovered a few tools that have been effective: meditation and reframing my mindset during and after anxious episodes.

    Meditation has vastly improved my awareness of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Awareness is crucial for managing anxiety effectively. When I’m anxious, step one of acceptance is to feel and acknowledge my emotions.

    The next step is to ask myself some version of this question: “Is there anything that I’m not accepting in this moment that’s causing or increasing my anxiety?” Once I pinpoint what I’m resisting and choose to accept it, I know the anxiety will subside.

    Many times, I can reframe my mindset in the middle of the anxiety. I can mentally shift from fighting the present circumstances to accepting them as they are. Other times, the anxiety takes over and I have to brace myself until the clouds clear. Once I’m out of the storm, I can dissect that situation and identify the lack of acceptance and the friction that led to the high levels of anxiety.

    For example, an argument with my wife can trigger anxiety because I wish that the disagreement never happened. I can’t accept where I am in that moment until I accept that I didn’t act like my ideal self in that situation, and that I can’t go back to change the past. Once I accept the argument and the anxiety it caused me, the friction disappears and my anxiety levels start to drop almost immediately.

    My performance can also be a trigger. I can get intense anxiety from mentally replaying the mistakes I made on a work project that didn’t go as well as I expected. I also experience anxiety when I fail to accept the way decisions are made in a large corporation. Or I don’t accept that people often behave in ways that are different than what I expect or value.

    If I’m trying to control things that I can’t change or affect, I’m not accepting my current situation. Trying to act outside of my sphere of control is resisting the way the world works. It’s like not accepting that I can’t change the laws of gravity.

    Once I accept my past mistakes or that I can’t control how others act and what their priorities are, I can fully accept my present circumstances. When I accept that I experience high levels of anxiety frequently and that my reactions to anxiety sometimes cause more anxiety, I can live without bracing myself for the next attack.

    I can let go because I’ve accepted that I will have high levels of anxiety again and that I will make mistakes in how I handle the anxiety again. It doesn’t mean I like being anxious. It just means I’ve accepted where I am at this time in my life. I can take action from there instead of where I wish I was. I can take action within my zone of control.

    I’ve experienced the deepest moments of tranquility that I’ve had in my life in the last couple of months. These magical moments happen during the brief windows when I’ve accepted everything in my life as it is.

    My mind quiets because there is no friction or turbulence. I lose myself in the sounds and sights of my environment. I hear the birds chirp. I see all the different colors of the leaves.

    Redefining Success and Anxiety

    I used to be afraid of my anxiety because it felt so intense, emotionally and physically. Although I still experience intense anxiety on a daily basis, I’m now thankful for the anxiety I’ve experienced (sometimes even while I’m caught up in that crushing anxiety).

    This is a perspective that only comes after being through the eye of the storm of anxiety. If you’re in the middle of that storm, your only job is to get through it so you can get to a place where you feel safe.

    I’m thankful for anxiety because it has brought many gifts. Because of it, I quit relentlessly pursuing success at any cost. I started meditating. I began exercising regularly again. I prioritized balance in my life.

    The most important lesson anxiety has taught me is that a successful life isn’t defined by how many achievements I’ve collected. Instead, success is building and nurturing relationships, being present to the little things in life, being grateful for the gift of life, exercising the mind and body, and living the life I want without looking over my shoulder to see what others are chasing.

    I don’t always follow the formula I discovered for my new definition of success. But when I adhere to my success formula, my days are significantly better than when I fall back to my habitual ways.

  • Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    “I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” ~John Lennon

    After doing years and years of self-esteem work, I thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I thought I was fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But all that changed when I got into my recent relationship.

    My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping in. Again? Seriously? I thought I was past all that.

    As it turns out my attachment disorder runs much deeper than I thought it did. What about yours? I mentioned attachment theory in one of my previous posts, but to elaborate…

    Are You Insecure?

    Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1960’s. This is an evolutionary theory of attachment, which suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others (caregivers) because this allows them to survive, and the way in which you attach during childhood becomes the prototype for all future attachments.

    Bowldy asserts that there are three fundamental types of attachments which include secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment.

    If you are secure, you probably aren’t reading this. Someone who is securely attached had a parent who was fairly stable and secure in meeting their needs. Because of this, as they become adults they assume other adults will meet their needs, so they do not suffer from relationship anxiety.

    Secure individuals tend to be happier and more content in their relationships because they are acting and reacting from a secure place, which allows each partner to move freely within the world. They’re able to offer support to their partners and are more open and honest in their interactions

    If you are avoidant, you may or not be reading this because often those who avoid intimacy often avoid introspection. If you are avoidant, you keep people at a distance and believe that you don’t really need others to exist in the world. Those who are avoidantly attached had a parent who was not really attentive to their needs, so the child learned to just avoid seeking reassurance.

    Avoidant individuals tend to emotionally distance themselves from a partner. They believe they are better off alone (even if in a relationship) and live in an internal world where their needs are most important. Even avoidant individuals need connection, but when their partner looks to them for comfort they turn off their feelings and fail to react.

    However, if you are at all anxious or insecurely attached, like I am, you are probably going to read this and say, “A Ha!” and a light bulb may even go off over your head. If you are anxiously attached, then you feel anxiety when your partner is separated from you or you do not feel emotionally reassured by them.

    Anxious attachment derives from a parent who was emotionally and/or physically unavailable, non-responsive, and/or possibly intrusive.

    People with anxious attachment are desperate to form a bond, but don’t actually trust their partner to meet their needs, so when their partner fails to assuage every emotion they have, they blame their partner or become jealous or critical. This often prompts their partner to distance themselves, thereby reinforcing their belief that they are not lovable.

    Anxiously attached individuals continually seek external validation, as if still looking to that parent to soothe them and make them feel secure in the world. The problem with this is that it’s too much of burden for a romantic partner to carry and it isn’t their job.

    Let’s Focus

    I’m going to focus on anxious attachment and especially pre-occupied anxious attachment.

    Let me ask this:

    Are you pre-occupied with what you are or are not getting from your partner?

    Are you self-critical?

    Do you constantly seek approval and reassurance?

    If your partner doesn’t react the way you think they should, do you blame or become upset?

    Do you always anticipate your partner rejecting you, losing interest, or abandoning you?

    Do you continually worry and obsess and not really trust them? If so, this is you.

    This is me.

    I have known that I was anxious for a while now and I have known and read about attachment theory, but I never really understood the depths to which it had inhabited my life, my thoughts, and my behaviors. I can’t explain why, but suddenly it all became so clear.

    I don’t recall my infant years, but I do recall that when I turned four or five my mom pretty much left me alone. I could walk and talk and feed myself. She had things to do. I started playing next door at the neighbor’s house. He had toys and games and a swing. He had a hopscotch and candy and wood-making tools. We played. He paid attention to me. He also molested me.

    When I was eight or so, my mom went back to work and left my sister and me alone. A friend of the family started coming over while she was gone. He also molested me.

    But what does the molestation have to do with the attachment, you ask? I never really got it until now. Being left alone and being ignored by someone who was supposed to care for me literally put me in physical and emotional danger.

    So, every time I get into a romantic relationship and I start to feel ignored (whether imagined or real), I freak out. I start to get palpitations. My brain starts to flood with thoughts and emotions. I start seeking reassurance.

    For years I learned to push the feelings down and to ignore them.

    What I didn’t realize is that you can’t do that. There is a thing called “primal panic,” which sets in when you are anxiously attached and not getting your needs met. What I didn’t know or understand is that when I feel ignored, my brain goes into “fight or flight” mode in order to protect itself. My brain believes it’s going to be taken advantage again and my body starts reacting.

    Although I can logically understand this is not true, my brain does not subconsciously know it to be true and reacts accordingly.

    What Happened

    What this meant was that every infraction from my partner, every sense of injustice, every wrong step or every interpretation of a wrongdoing, no matter how slight, I met with a intolerability that I had no idea I was even imposing on my partner.

    I would be so preoccupied with feeling better and getting them to make me feel better that I’d spend all my time and energy obsessing about how to get my needs met. And if they weren’t met properly, I would blame them and start to label them “untrustworthy.”

    Think about it. If you haven’t heard from your partner in a day or so, do you automatically start thinking, “He/she doesn’t love me,” or “I knew he/she would do this,” or “I knew this would happen again”? Do you constantly think about what your partner isn’t giving you and what you aren’t getting?

    Do you become calm and happy when your partner reassures you only to become anxious and insecure the minute you feel something is off or you feel you are being ignored or disrespected?

    All of these things were (okay, sometimes still are) me in a nutshell.

    The problem with all these feelings and behaviors is that they keep you from realizing true intimacy because you are living in fear and anxiety, and you may not even consciously realize it. You are living as if you are still that child who’s going to get hurt. But, guess what? You aren’t.

    How to Fix It

    Once I realized how this pattern was affecting my life, I knew I had to change it but I wasn’t sure how. I started doing some research. I read a few books including Insecure in Love.

    One day I woke up and it had been two days since I had heard from my boyfriend. My body started going into panic mode. Where was he? Doesn’t he care? How can he do this? Maybe I should just leave him. My body and mind were going into panic mode. Anxiety set in. What should I do?

    I tried some meditation but I couldn’t stop thinking and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I decided to sit with the anxiety and think about why I was feeling anxious. What did I really feel? Why was I so anxious? Where was this coming from?

    As I sat there and began to go deeper into the true meaning of my anxiety, I realized that I was literally feeling scared that someone would come hurt me. I was scared of being physically and emotionally alone and having no one there to rescue me. I realized that his ignoring me had triggered this subconscious belief that I’ve been holding onto that I never knew was there.

    Then, I cried. I cried because I was scared. I was actually really petrified. Then, I told myself, “You’re okay. You will be okay. You are not there anymore. You are safe.” I cried and I reassured myself, and when I stopped and it was over the anxiety had lifted.

    I had faced my fears. I had felt my pain and I had released it. I don’t think it will be gone forever, but it is gone for today and that is a good start.

    Keep Trying

    I thought I had dealt with all of this anxiety and insecurity stuff. I thought it was gone and buried. I thought I had made inroads into my new relationship and that because I had attracted a seemingly secure individual, it meant I was all better. Surprise! Insecurity was still running my life.

    But, once I realized this to be true I made a vow that I would do whatever it takes to beat this insecurity over the head and run it out of my life.

    I realized that if I kept going the way I was I would eventually push every boyfriend out of my life, and that I would never find a partner I was happy and content with. The truth can hurt.

    I also realized that I’m not a bad person. I’m not mean or insincere or ruthless. I’m scared. I have a biological response to a real experience. I learned this coping mechanism to help me survive and it did its job, but its time has come and it needs to retire.

    If you are insecurely attached and seek constant external validation and approval to feel good about yourself, how long do you think your partner will put up with it? It isn’t their job to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, they can and should support you and be encouraging, but you have to learn to support and encourage yourself.

    If you want to find true love you have to learn to love yourself, as cheesy as that sounds, and if you are anxiously attached you also have to learn to calm yourself, reassure yourself, and comfort yourself. The past is over and you cannot change it, but the future has not yet occurred.

    Do you want to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend? You decide. I know my answer.

  • How a Terrified, Socially Anxious Guy Became Relaxed and Confident

    How a Terrified, Socially Anxious Guy Became Relaxed and Confident

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Life is hell… or so I thought for most of my thirty-four years.

    My intense social anxiety, an over-the-top and uncontrollable fear of people and social situations, ruined much of my young life. I operated completely alone, living only inside my own head, without even realizing it.

    Now, it’s rare that I’m too afraid to talk to anyone. And I face multiple difficult decisions, discussions, and even confrontations in any given week.

    Just a few years ago, a client could make what I would mistakenly take as an angry comment (even just by email), or someone could look at me funny, and I’d tailspin into a three-day episode of fear, shame, and self-hatred. I’d literally lose sleep over it. Every time an emotional breeze blew, I uprooted and fell over.

    But I no longer struggle like I used to. Similar situations sometimes cause mild anxiety, but often, none at all.

    This transformation surprises me as much as friends who’ve known me for my entire life. How did it happen? Why do I no longer turn every little social cue into a psychological catastrophe?

    I learned three lessons after decades of trial, error, failure, reloading, and trying again. At times, I was filled with hopelessness and despair. Occasionally, suicide appeared a viable way out.

    But somehow I mustered up just enough resolve to keep going. It made no sense that life should be filled with misery exclusively.

    I finally found what worked. Or maybe it found me.

    Here’s what I learned, and the actions I take to hold social anxiety at bay and keep my peace, confidence, and happiness today.

    1. Fear and anxiety always lie, and never serve your best interest.

    I can’t tell you how long I chose to trust and obey my fear of people. I never questioned it. I always assumed the anxiety and fear spoke the truth.

    Both had been present my whole life, after all. Fear and anxiety owned me. And I learned to sink my shoulders, lower my head, shuffle my feet, and do exactly what they said:

    • “Don’t talk to that person! They’ll reject you.”
    • “See the way they’re looking at you? They hate you.”
    • “Forget about asking anyone on a date. You’re a loser. They’ll say ‘no’ anyway.”
    • “You’ll miss the shot (in basketball). You’ll just be a failure. Everyone will laugh.”
    • “You’re stuck. You can’t get anywhere in life. You’ll never amount to anything.”
    • “You’re doomed to a bleak, lonely existence.”
    • “Don’t even try. You know how this ends anyway.”

    These thoughts kept me lonely, isolated, unemployed, and full of self-hatred.

    After years of trying different approaches, and sometimes even the same things, I finally asked myself, “What if everything fear told me was a big, fat lie? What if something different could happen?”

    I realized that my own mind told me the worst possible stuff. It lied outright. So, I learned not to accept my thoughts or feelings as reality.

    Eventually, I started doing exactly what fear told me not to do. At first, I rarely got the outcome I wanted. But slowly, I developed freedom from fear. More good things happened. And life got better.

    I felt more confident. Got married. Bought a house. And enjoyed my work.

    I didn’t think I’d ever have any of those things.

    Acting first, and letting the feelings follow (but not necessarily expecting that change immediately in the moment), works like a charm on fear.

    2. Happiness and confidence come from within, not from anything external.

    I got sucked in by society’s portrayal of happiness.

    Someone owns a massive house, and they seem to have it all. A quarterback tosses a touchdown pass to win the game, and they become an infallible superhero. James Bond always knows what to do and how to win the day.

    Though I didn’t realize it then, for a long time, I thought confidence and happiness came from all this… stuff. After I had one of those externals, I thought, I would feel happy, confident, and good about myself.

    So all my energy went toward pursuing these things. Sometimes ruthlessly, harming others along the way.

    I got a small taste on occasion. But it offered only fleeting happiness. None of it lasted, so I needed another thing from the list to feel happy and confident. And of course, that didn’t work either. On and on it went…

    Where do happiness and confidence come from? Things you can’t buy. Working on yourself.

    This has resulted in much more than just happiness and confidence. I now feel:

    • Satisfied
    • Fulfilled
    • Purposeful
    • Content
    • Grateful

    Compare this to how I felt before:

    • Hopeless
    • Filled with despair
    • Like a fraud/imposter/outsider
    • Guilty
    • Full of self-loathing
    • Regretful

    The comparison’s not even close, really.

    3. Regardless of the extreme power social anxiety has over you, you can become confident and happy.

    During high school and early college, my social anxiety was at its worst.

    I had plenty of excuses for not going to social events. I’d stay in on Friday and Saturday nights. Almost every interaction with a human being, and even just the anticipation of it, triggered shockwaves of social anxiety.

    Making a friend and having a real relationship with them? Not a chance.

    Instead, I’d drink too much at parties. Usually, I wouldn’t remember them. I didn’t want to because of the incredible stress they caused.

    And of course, drinking was really avoidance of intimacy. Long term, it actually increased my anxiety and desire to avoid real interactions with others.

    The more failure I met, the more anxious I became. And the more the social anxiety grew, the less I was able to meet people and make friends.

    Down and down I went, feeling empty and alone the whole way. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I make friends and hold down a job with ease, just like everyone else?

    How do you break that cycle?

    You do the opposite. Create an upward cycle instead. One that works like this:

    Forgiving myself for mistakes, and realizing when I do and don’t have responsibility

    In the past, I would constantly criticize and put myself down whenever things didn’t go “right” (read: my way). I mistakenly believed I had more responsibility for outcomes than I did.

    One time I bumped into a guy’s $100,000 car with a tire I needed fixed. He was screaming and cursing a blue streak at me. I plummeted into guilt and shame.

    These days, I’d take responsibility for the accident, but not for the other person’s feelings. It would be tempting to feel guilty and ashamed. But I could recognize that and share how I felt with someone I trust instead of telling myself how stupid I was.

    Today, I constantly forgive myself for mistakes of any kind, and I let outcomes be what they are.

    Challenging myself to speak up

    For example, let’s say someone disagreed with something I said. Before, I’d immediately get anxious and fearful, and likely wouldn’t stand up for myself.

    Now, instead, I’d pause and think. If I felt strongly about my opinion, I’d continue standing up for myself rather than going along with what the other person said. Nice confidence boost there.

    Or, if a customer service associate refused to offer a refund, socially anxious me would simply take it and go about my way. Now, I’d pause and think, and rather than give in to anxiety, ask to talk to a supervisor. Instead of feeling bad about myself, my confidence would go up.

    Loosening my grip on the things I think I have to have

    My social anxiety constantly wanted control. I had to have the girl, the job, the laugh, or whatever it was.

    I usually didn’t get those things because I was too afraid to try. Or, I did try, but acted from a place of fear and ended up making too many mistakes and chasing those things out of my life.

    I’d get too anxious at work, fearing that my boss would see my mistake. Then I’d second-guess myself, and make more silly mistakes because of that anxiety. Or I’d get too anxious to move a relationship forward, and the girl would pick up on that, then she was gone. If I wanted people to laugh, I’d get so anxious about needing that outcome that I’d forget the joke or say it awkwardly.

    Letting go of control and attachment to my desires has helped me feel more at ease, and far less anxious.

    Accepting what happens, without blaming myself or judging it as “good” or “bad”

    If I have a conversation with a potential client, and they don’t want to work with me, I try not to get upset with myself. My instinct is to feel guilty and ashamed, like I didn’t say the right things necessary to win the business (judging the situation as “bad”).

    Now, I say, ”Well, that didn’t work out. Let’s see. What happened?” Sometimes clients get busy doing other things. Some want to see what they can get from you for free. Other times, clients don’t get the budget they thought they would. And they might move on to another company.

    I accept that I don’t know why the prospect didn’t become a client. I learn from the situation what’s possible based on the evidence available, and let go of the rest.

    Correcting my wrongs with others

    Sometimes in the past, I avoided others. Or, I talked negatively behind their back. And in some cases, I got angry to their face.

    Now, when I fall into these old habits, I waste no time apologizing and doing everything I can to not repeat the wrong in the future. It helps with social anxiety because I have to go directly to the person, face-to-face.

    In cases where I talk negatively behind someone’s back, I correct the wrong with those who heard it instead of avoiding people. This rebuilds the relationship, which melts away social anxiety.

    Sharing the troublesome thoughts spinning around in my head

    The longer anxious thoughts spin around in your head, the more power they get. So today, I share them with people who understand and care. Not a single one has social anxiety, but they all want to see me heal.

    Not blaming others

    When things went wrong because of my social anxiety, like the two jobs I got fired from and the other I quit, I wanted to only look at what the employers did wrong. That didn’t help at all. So today, I look at my part in the situation, even if it’s just 1%.

    When I blame others, I do so because I’m too anxious and afraid to look at myself. I don’t want to experience the embarrassment of seeing what I did wrong. But how can I relieve my anxiety without looking at my own actions?

    When I look at what I did, and take positive action to correct it, I gain confidence because I’ve improved as a person. My struggle with my wrong weakens. Over time, it goes away completely.

    This allows me to take real action to improve my life. Blaming keeps me inactive, and a slave to the same old attitudes.

    Serving others in big and small ways

    I’ve adopted a lifestyle of service. Usually not big things, but I make myself available to help others out with personal problems, quick errands, or whatever it happens to be.

    At first, I served others just to get out of my negative social anxiety. That’s okay at first. With continued practice, you serve others mostly for their gain.

    Practicing self-awareness and working on my actions and reactions

    I don’t have a single tactic that works for fixing or improving other people. Life doesn’t work that way. So, I simply focus on improving myself daily.

    I have a list of thirty character defects. I’m capable of just about any wrong any human can commit, but generally I act on these thirty.

    When tempted to act on one, I pause for a moment and choose a positive action instead. I’ve not had one perfect day yet, but my internal life improves daily. And I feel increasing happiness and connectedness to others as a result.

    Discarding unhealthy mindsets: playing the victim, pitying myself, feeling entitled, or self-righteously judging others

    I played the victim because everyone else got the girlfriend, job, or car first. Because I was anxious and afraid to go for those things, they came much later in life for me than most people.

    Social anxiety caused me great fear, guilt, and shame. I didn’t get the external things when I thought I should, so I felt entitled to compensation for my suffering.

    I’d judge others because truthfully, I didn’t like myself. My self-esteem was through the floor, so I wanted to bring everyone down too.

    Unfortunately, this only increased social anxiety’s power over me because all of these choices kept me separate from others. So when these feelings come up now, I don’t act on them. I don’t even allow myself to think about them. I simply acknowledge their presence and move on.

    —

    My social anxiety wants to weigh me down like an anchor. And it can, if I don’t strictly adhere to the above list. But now, I live in a beautiful upward cycle that leads to happiness. Because these steps work.

    But it takes time to learn and put all this into practice. Sometimes decades.

    Hopefully learning from my experience shaves years of struggle off your growth and enables you to experience happiness, joy, and freedom—starting right now.

  • How to Breathe Your Way to Inner Calm

    How to Breathe Your Way to Inner Calm

    “Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum

    Today I’d like to discuss something that I’ve found to be very important: our breathing.

    “What do you mean our breathing? Don’t we do that all the time? Why do I need to read a blog post about it?”

    Yes, we do this involuntarily, but did you know that there are different ways we breathe? Improper breathing can affect how we feel, mentally and physically, and, in reverse, how we feel can lead to improper breathing (if, for example, we’re stressed).

    Imagine what’s going on in the following scenarios:

    You’re being chased by a grizzly bear.

    Chances are, you’re breathing rapidly, taking shallow breaths (drawing in minimal air to the lungs), expelling a lot of effort, and heavily expanding your chest. This is known as thoracic breathing, or chest breathing.

    Thoracic breathing switches on our sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for that fight-or-flight response we get when we sense any kind of danger, stress, or threat.

    Chest breathing doesn’t optimally use our lungs (via our diaphragm) and can even lead to hyperventilation.

    This type of breathing isn’t necessarily bad, since it gives us the ability to run from that grizzly bear and can help during vigorous exercise. But we often do this unnecessarily, and it makes us feel more anxious and stressed.

    You just did something relaxing and feel very calm.

    Chances are, you’re breathing slowly (drawing in optimal air to the lungs via the diaphragm), expelling minimal effort, and expanding your abdomen/belly as you take in air. This is known as diaphragmatic breathing.

    This type of breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which has the opposite effect of the fight-or-flight response, inducing a feeling of calm and relaxation.

    Diaphragmatic breathing, or deep/belly breathing, is beneficial to both of our minds and bodies. In fact, it has scientifically been shown to help those suffering with PTSD, pain, depression, anxiety, and other debilitating conditions.

    There’s a reason why it has been featured on the websites of NPR, Harvard, TIME, New York Times, the National Institutes of Health, and The Wall Street Journal.

    As someone who tends to exhibit the fight-or-flight response at unnecessary and non-threatening times (a work in progress!), I can personally attest to how deep breathing reduces the adverse effects of tension, stress, and anxiety.

    Back before I learned about deep belly breathing, I often went into fight-or-flight mode when I felt uncertain and worried about my relationships, finances, school, meeting deadlines, or my health, and it only made things worse.

    I didn’t want to continually work my body and mind into an unnecessary frenzy over situations that didn’t warrant it.

    Everything changed when I began my journey into the world of yoga.

    To help us improve our breathing, my teacher would often tell us to lie down on the ground and place one hand on our belly and the other on our heart. She’d then instruct us to visualize the breath expanding in our belly as we inhale, through contraction of our diaphragm, and notice our belly slowly deflating as we exhale.

    We would switch between inhaling through the nose and exhaling out through the mouth, as well as sighing out through our mouth as we exhaled. (Side note: I highly recommend sighing out through your mouth to release tension—it feels great! Make some noise with it too!)

    By the end of the class, we would work up to pranayama, which is the ancient practice of controlling the breath, and I would find myself feeling a sense of calm. If you’re interested, you can read more about pranayama here, and this TIME article provides some pranayama exercises as well.

    I’ve taken the breathing exercises I learned in my yoga classes and have started practicing them in my daily life. If I feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or restless, I take a few minutes to perform some belly breathing, and I instantly feel more at ease.

    It’s important to note that deep breathing isn’t a cure-all and won’t get rid of the underlying problems that are causing you stress. But it can at least provide you with a temporary sense of calm, which will help you find clarity and think rationally in difficult situations.

    If you’d like to give deep breathing a try, you may want to start with one of these exercises.

    General Deep Breathing

    This is a simple technique you can use anywhere. Find a place to sit or lie down and take a moment to breathe as you normally would.

    When you’re ready, breathe in slowly through your nose and feel your abdomen expand fully. I personally like to close my eyes, but you can leave them open if you prefer.

    Now breathe out slowly through your mouth or nose (whichever feels better) and feel your abdomen slowly deflate. If you’d like, you can place your hands on your belly so you can physically feel what it’s doing.

    I recommend trying this breathing technique for at least eight rounds of inhaling and exhaling. Play around with doing it for shorter or longer periods of time and breathing in/out through your mouth/nose, and make sure to do what works best for you.

    Four-Seven-Eight Technique

    This practice makes use of counting while you inhale and exhale to maximize belly breathing. In this technique, you inhale through the nose and count to four, hold your breath for a count of seven, and then exhale for a count of eight. You can find a guided video here.

    Visual Breathing Guide

    This is a fantastic video that provides a visual reference to sync your breaths to. It could be an invaluable resource to help you slow down, calm down, and take deep breaths.

    *Note: If you ever find yourself feeling worse or hyperventilating after doing any breathing exercises, please stop practicing them. We are all unique, and what may work for one person may not work for another, so please be compassionate with yourself.*

    —

    There you have it: why and how we can use our breathing to our advantage, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Breathing isn’t just a biological survival mechanism; we can also use it as a tool to help induce relaxation and reduce the effects of stress, anxiety, and tension.

    Who knew how much power our bellies hold? Go forth and give your belly (and your overall self) some much-needed, deep love!

  • 5 Beliefs About Anxiety That Can Make You Even More Anxious

    5 Beliefs About Anxiety That Can Make You Even More Anxious

    “It’s okay to not be okay all the time.” ~Unknown

    I never thought of myself as an anxious person.

    But here I was again, staring at a computer screen in my office, so stressed I could barely type. I’d been throwing myself into work and I had crashed—hard.

    And this wasn’t the first time.

    Unfortunately, our mental image of who we think we are and who we actually are don’t always match up. But part of being human is that we learn to live with that, we embrace the struggle, and we grow.

    Over the last five years I’ve had a number periods of high anxiety, often triggered by work-related stress. In that time I’ve realized that my beliefs about anxiety were unhelpful, and they often worsened the experience.

    When I was able to let go of the firm grip I had on these ideas, I found that when anxiety came to visit, it didn’t stay around as long as it used to.

    Here are five beliefs about anxiety that can make you even more anxious. If you recognize them in yourself, I hope you can let them go when they arise.

    1. It’s not normal (or okay) to have anxiety. 

    When you first start to notice your anxiety, you might think it’s not normal. The feelings in your body will be so intense that when you look around at other people, who on the surface look so calm, you won’t be able to believe that what’s happening to you might happening to them.

    But I want you to know something. You are not alone.

    Though everyone’s experience will be different, there are dozens of people you’ll come into contact with daily who have probably had similar feelings.

    That guy who gave you your coffee this morning, he had a panic attack before work. The girl next to you at the bus stop, she’s trying to calm herself down right now. The boss who yelled at your coworker an hour ago, he’s anxious that his own boss is breathing down his neck.

    Anxiety is common.

    Holding onto the (false) belief that what’re you’re experiencing isn’t normal only intensifies the problem by making you feel separate from everyone else around you. It keeps you in your head where the question “Why is this happening to me?” may circle round and round without ever finding a good enough answer.

    2. I need to get over my anxiety in X weeks, months, years.

    Putting strict deadlines on when you want to completely rid yourself of anxiety is never useful. But I used to do this all the time.

    The role that anxiety is going to play in your life isn’t predictable—you just can’t know. Telling yourself that you must overcome it in a certain amount of time is just going to feed it. Once you can truly learn to accept that you don’t know when or for how long it will come to visit, you’ll notice it does so a lot less often!

    3. I can use my anxiety as a motivational tool.

    One common way we often justify our anxiety is through the cliché “I work best under pressure,” but what we’re usually doing is placing an unnecessary amount of stress on our bodies and brains.

    In the long term, this can leave us drained of the necessary energy to prevent and ward off anxious thoughts. When you experience stress, don’t focus on doing more. Just ride it out, let it pass, and try to be productive from a place of relative calm.

    4. The magic bullet cure for my anxiety is out there somewhere.

    Overcoming anxiety is a process, and holding onto the idea that you’re just one more book, course, or technique away from the ultimate cure will inevitably lead to disappointment, and typically more anxiety.

    Take it day by day and relish in the small victories, and over time you’ll make progressive but sustainable changes in the way you handle your nerves.

    5. Anxiety is all in my head.

    This is completely false, and an unhelpful way to look at anxiety. It’s an issue with your nervous system, so it’s just as much in your body as it is in your head.

    Trying to think or rationalize your way out of panic can often be a losing battle. By seeing the mind and body as connected, and both as home to your anxiety, you can develop more skillful control over your thoughts and feelings and not get caught up in a maze of worry.

    If you don’t already have a movement related practice, something like yoga, Qigong or Tai Chi can be really useful for improving your ability to calm your body.

    I’m not yet completely anxiety free, but every year I cope with it better and better.

    Make small steps every day, congratulate yourself on the little wins, and remember that you are not alone!

  • How to Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Start Living Fully

    How to Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Start Living Fully

    “Use your precious moments to live life fully every single second of every single day.” ~Marcia Wieder

    I recently came back from an amazing vacation overseas with my family. All of our travel went smoothly, everyone stayed healthy, and there wasn’t any drama or conflict among family members. Other than one flight being delayed, it was perfect.

    On the way home from the trip my heart and soul were soaring from the fun we had enjoyed, savoring the memories in my mind and feeling grateful. I noticed, though, that when I returned home my mind slowly started to shift. Not because of the usual dread of coming back from vacation, but rather because things actually continued to go well at home.

    My adjustment to my jet lag was fine, and the first day back at work was actually nice. By all measures I should have continued to feel pretty happy! Instead, I began to anticipate that something bad would happen.

    I could hear the voice in my head reminding me that I had just enjoyed ten days of vacation, so surely it was time for something negative to take place—a cold, stress at work, something.

    It was almost as if I was inviting something bad into my life to temper the positivity I was feeling in the moment.

    Some people describe this is as “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” and in my family we called it “Catholic guilt.”

    As I’ve grown older, I’ve done this a little too often, in several different areas of life.

    If my kids have been healthy for a good stretch, I start to have sneaky thoughts about how they’re “due soon” for a bout of some type of illness.

    If my finances are under control, I’ll wonder if we’ll have an unexpected repair that will take us off course.

    It’s not a concern if those thoughts float in and out, but I seem to have problems when they linger and begin to detract from what I am doing in the present.

    The truth is that life does change constantly, and there are ebbs and flows between happiness and pain.

    In one instant our situations can shift so drastically that we will be left reeling, so expecting that every day will be wonderful is obviously both unrealistic and unhelpful. Yet I’ve found that anxiously awaiting some sort of tragedy or pain often diminishes my current happiness.

    Waiting for the other shoe to drop is this tricky way that we rob ourselves of a good feeling in the now because we are nervously anticipating something negative in the future.

    A balance between fear about the future and a naive optimism is possible; we could call this space living fully.

    Living fully is where we acknowledge that life will bring suffering and beauty, pain and happiness, challenge and comfort, and it will all come at different times. If we live fully, we do our best to float gracefully between these times, aiming not to get “stuck” in a space of overwhelming tension.

    This is not an easy task, but below are some suggestions for those who want to decide not to wait in constant fear of that other shoe dropping.

    Tips for Living Fully

    1. Find time to be present.

    The beauty of being present is that, by definition, it doesn’t allow you to be anywhere else. When you find time to be in the moment, anticipatory thoughts about bad things happening may enter your mind, but you will gently and swiftly guide them to the side.

    Each of us has our unique ways of being present, whether it be a yoga class or exercise, quiet observation of nature, or meditation. Even a few minutes of quiet can be helpful in getting centered and focused.

    2. Try savoring.

    Just like you might enjoy a good glass of wine or a bite of cheesecake, you can also savor positive emotions or events.

    For example, I could recall the vacation I took overseas, reliving a particularly fun outing or adventure. I could talk about the trip with my family and coworkers, and look at pictures. As I do that I would begin to bring back those memories, and those positive emotions associated with these memories would also come back.

    3. Introduce some logic to your thoughts.

    Sometimes our thoughts can run away from us, going down a path that we know isn’t logical or helpful.

    In the case of anticipating something negative, I’ve found that I can best stop the thoughts with this simple reasoning: “Yes, it is inevitable that something bad will happen at some point, but I don’t know when or where. So, I might as well enjoy what I’m feeling now so later I won’t regret not having enjoyed that time when things were going well.”

    4. Practice gratitude.

    Being aware of what we have in our lives orients us to the present. We can always find something or someone to appreciate, and in showing this appreciation we gain an increased awareness of its beauty.

    Expressing gratitude can be private (e.g., keeping a gratitude journal or list) or public (e.g., writing a letter of thanks to someone), but I’m preferential to personal reminders of gratitude.

    For example, when I am feeling the joy of doing something I love or spending time with friends and family, I try to remember to say to myself: “this moment is good.” Just saying that brings me to the present and acknowledges my gratitude in the moment.

    5. Spend time with people who also like to live fully.

    It’s no mystery that emotions can be contagious. Friends or loved ones who are perpetually negative can influence our mindset, particularly if we find ourselves feeling anxious or dreading something negative happening.

    While we shouldn’t avoid or shun friends who are struggling, we can be purposeful about finding time to spend with those who give us a burst of positive energy through their ability to live fully.

    —

    Our lives are in flux, and change is inevitable. By not constantly waiting for the bad stuff to happen, and instead focusing on the now, we can flow more easily, joyfully, and fully through our days.

  • How Reframing Your Self-Critical Thoughts Can Help Ease Anxiety

    How Reframing Your Self-Critical Thoughts Can Help Ease Anxiety

    “Don’t let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present.” ~Unknown

    I know what it feels like to be scared.

    I know what it feels like to question your sanity, your worth, your place in this world.

    Sometimes, all I can do is repeat the words it’s okay over and over and over again in my head, until I kind of, somewhat, maybe start to believe it’s true.

    Anxiety sucks. Depression does too. They’re not my favorites of the emotions we humans get to experience. But, truthfully, they have a purpose.

    I’ve been having panic attacks for a little over six months now. They’re still new to me, and every one is so different.

    The physical symptoms change, I’m still learning what my “triggers” are, and the ups and downs between my moods vary in time and extremity. But there’s one thing that has been consistent since the beginning, which is that every time I start to feel anxiety or depression creep in, I instantly hate myself.

    I sense the pit of worry in my stomach, and I hate myself. I wake up feeling sad, and I hate myself. I have to transfer money from my savings account, and I hate myself. I mess up at work, and I hate myself. I feel the uncertainty of my future, and I hate myself.

    As soon as I begin to enter that state, it’s the start of the freaking pity party of the century. Pretty soon all of my thoughts sound something along the lines of…

    I’m so messed up.

    No one else feels this way.

    I’m broken beyond repair.

    I shouldn’t feel this way.

    Why can’t I just be happy?

    I’m not good enough to be happy.

    There’s no way I’m going to get through this.

    I thought I had come so far.

    There’s just no point.

    I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, or excited, or tired, or bored, and thought anything close to these dark, nasty thoughts. So why do I instantly start abusing myself with such hateful thinking when these specific emotions of anxiety and depression appear?

    But wait! There’s good news here. This isn’t just a pity party, after all.

    I realized that there’s a way to pull myself out of the cyclical trap of feel sad or anxious, then hating myself for feeling sad or anxious, and then hating myself for hating myself for feeling sad or anxious.

    It’s a vicious cycle, but there is a simple solution: compassion, self-love, and reframing.

    For example, today I had a series of mini breakdowns, which included locking myself in my car so I could cry in (semi) privacy, throwing up in the bathroom at work because my stomach was so full of acidic worry it made me sick, leaving work early because of how I felt, and sobbing in my shower for about twenty minutes while wasting precious hot water. (#BestDayEver)

    So what did I do to turn it around?

    I treated myself with compassion and self-love, and reframed my negative thoughts.

    I showered, put on comfy clothes, made a cup of tea, and lit my favorite candle. I turned on Girls in the background because Hannah always makes me feel better. I read a few pages from one of my favorite books. I did some deep breathing. I told myself “I’m going to be okay” at least one hundred thousand times (slight exaggeration, maybe).

    Then, I started to pay attention to my thoughts as an outside observer. I was able to look at some of the terrible things I say to myself like “I’m so messed up” and “I shouldn’t feel this way,” and was able to crack them open for analysis.

    I was able to look at it from an objective point of view and question: Are these thoughts really true? And if not, can I replace these thoughts with ones that are actually true?

    Some examples…

    I’m so messed up became I’m going through a tough time right now, like everyone else in the world has, but it doesn’t reflect my worthiness or importance as an individual.

    I shouldn’t feel this way became It’s okay to feel down or nervous sometimes, because it’s temporary and it doesn’t define who I am.

    I’m broken beyond repair became I’m just figuring the craziness of this life out, as we all are, and I’ll feel better soon.

    There’s just no point became I have an infinite number of resources and people in my life who love and support me, and I’m worthy of that love and support.

    The stories that we tell ourselves are just that: stories. What we say to ourselves in our heads can hugely impact the way we perceive our lives and our self-worth.

    As the Buddha said, “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

    By becoming more mindful of the stories running through your mind, you’re able to take an objective view on how those stories makes you feel, and then decide if they’re worth keeping around or not. If they’re not, choose to let them go.

    Reframing, self-love, and compassion are the three tools I use to help guide me through anxiety and depression. It’s all a learning process, but I can confidently say that this has helped me so much more than self-medicating or trying to ignore the problem.

    By observing our thoughts and the way we speak to ourselves in times of struggle, we can get a picture of how much we actually love ourselves, and then ramp up the love and positivity until we can’t help but feel better

    If you’re going through anxiety, depression, or any other tough time, I encourage you to:

    • Slow down; hit pause
    • Remember that you’re worthy of love and happiness
    • Take a few deep breaths, and tune into that inner dialogue you have going on
    • See if there are any negative thoughts or stories running through your mind that you can challenge
    • Replace them with positive, love-based truths

    Try to remember that we’re all just living, breathing, crazy little human beings, floating around on this planet through a limitless universe for a microscopic moment of time. None of us really know what the heck is going on here.

    We’re all just trying to get by, and have a little fun while doing it. Remember that you’re worthy of love from others, but most importantly, from yourself. And try to ease up on yourself. It’s okay to feel bad. It’s also okay to feel good. They’re two sides of the same coin, and that’s what this life is all about… our depth of human experiences and our connection to something more.

    I’m thankful for anxiety and depression because those emotions present me with an opportunity. It’s a chance for me to fall victim to my fear-based, negative stories, or for me to choose to see things from a place of love instead. The next time you feel those emotions creeping in, I challenge you to ask yourself, what do you choose?

  • Anxiety, Your New BFF: How It Can Help You If You Let It

    Anxiety, Your New BFF: How It Can Help You If You Let It

    Anxious man

    “Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ~Rumi

    Anxiety—a frequent, uninvited visitor.

    It hovers; it comes and goes. It underlines. It overpowers. It stops you in your tracks. It pursues you as you run away.

    My anxiety’s appearance is often marked by a buzzing, electric-charge energy. I used to jokingly compare it to a predatory yellow jacket. They used to terrify me. Since I was stung too many times, this insect was definitely not on my list of BFFs.

    Once I was driving my then seven-year-old daughter and her friend to school when a real-life yellow jacket began to buzz in the enclosed car space. It looked fierce and angry and armed with a vicious stinger.

    Repressing my panic, I pulled the car over.

    “Okay, girls, there’s a yellow jacket in the car. I’m going to open the doors and we’ll all exit quickly!”

    My daughter’s friend Evie remained in her seat. With a quiet calm, she extended her finger, beckoning the insect to alight upon it. When it did, she welcomed its arrival with a smile and escorted it outside.

    The yellow jacket flew off.

    “All you have to do is treat them nice and they’re your friend,” Evie informed us. “I love ‘em.”

    Years later, I awoke one morning, the alarm of anxiety resounding in my ears. Unlike my phone, I couldn’t shut it off. Hearing the buzz of worry and gloom, I dreaded getting up to face the day.

    Then I heard something else. A buzz. But this wasn’t coming from me; it was a yellow jacket flailing against my nightstand.

    With mindful attention, I was able to escort the tiny creature to the window so it could fly away. The momentary connection with an insect and the cessation of the buzzing noise was a gratifying experience. Plus, the bug did not sting me.

    I wondered, what if my anxiety were something I could “treat nice”? My usual approach is to eliminate or ignore it.

    What would it take to befriend my anxiety?

    What did it take to befriend a yellow jacket? Mindful caution and courage (they do sting), and a challenging compassion. A calm patience. 

    Maybe I could treat my anxiety as my BFF.

    Isn’t a best friend someone who reminds you of your past mistakes and helps you avoid a re-run? A friend encouraging you to take time to treat yourself better? A cheerleader excited for your success?

    Over time I have discovered that anxiety can do that for you, if you’re willing to change your perspective. Below are a few examples that may surprise you.

    Stop, Listen, and Engage

    One of my closest friends was coming for a visit. We had a no-plan of fun, a goal of aimless walking around the city. I had spent the morning alone, writing and finishing up paperwork. All of it enjoyable productivity.

    Getting ready for her arrival, I noticed an underlying stream of anxiousness. To be honest, I was furious that anxiety arrived during this completely stress-free moment.

    Remembering my vow to welcome anxiety as my BFF, I began to ask “her” questions.

    What are you anxious about?
    I just am.
    That was too broad a question, so I became more specific.

    The apartment looks fine but are you worried it’s not neat enough?
    It’s not that.
    I noticed that the reassurance calmed her down a bit.

    Are you worried that we have no specific itinerary?
    No.
    I smiled at the immediate response. Neither one of us is a planner.

    I’m dressed, but I could put a little makeup on, would that help?
    Maybe.
    I did, it helped. But there was more.

    Sitting down, I took a few breaths.

    Can you explain what your nervousness is about? I waited.

    In a rush, a torrent of talk tumbled out.
    It’s too much. You were quiet all by yourself and now you have to go out and do noisy things.

    A light bulb went off. I saw the issue.

    It’s about transitions? You find them challenging?

    The clarity of the Aha! burst open in a single word:
    YES!

    Transitions, in any degree, represent change, which requires special attention. My habitual response is to move fast, to move without thinking, to move on now!

    That doesn’t work for me anymore.

    I summed up where I had been (quietly writing alone), where I was going (a walk in Manhattan with noise and bustle).

    But above all, I checked into where I was NOW in the moment, which was not being able to connect the two.

    A few minutes were all it took to regain serenity and gratitude to my BFF Anxiety. She had highlighted something I’d overlooked my entire life.

    While your own inner dialogue may differ, it is possible for you to stop, listen, and engage in a conversation with these inner anxious voices.

    It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal

    Sometimes, your anxiety is only asking for acknowledgment. A few breaths to clear your mind and give you more oxygen, a sympathetic word, or a short walk outside may be the answer.

    I have a client who gets a manicure to ease her spirits. When her mom was in hospice, she had them done. “I know it may seem superficial, but I have fond memories of my mother doing my nails for me when I was little and feeling sad. I look at my hands and feel like at least one thing in my life is okay.”

    Short-term solutions to anxiety’s sudden appearances can go far to alleviate symptoms of unease.

    Warnings to Watch

    There are moments when a deeper dialogue with anxiety is required.

    A friend had what seemed to be the perfect relationship. Sexy and smart, her boyfriend had a good sense of humor, enjoying his work and life. Together, they were happy, but separated, my friend’s anxiety skyrocketed.

    She decided to focus on the nature of her anxiety and began a focused inquiry with this energetic.

    “I wanted him to be the one, but I was the one making unconscious concessions. So I stopped and listened to what my anxiety was reporting back to me.”

    Rather than eliminate or ignore her anxiety, she took a hard look at what was actually going on. She didn’t feel seen in this relationship. Her desires were overlooked, and, worse, they were de-valued if brought up. Her boyfriend was subtle about this exchange, as he could be quite charming. But my friend felt out of the loop.

    She ended that relationship and started dating someone else. When, once again, Anxiety appeared, she was flustered. Taking on the premise that anxiety is her BFF, she listened. This time the message was different.

    As it turned out, she needed to proceed more slowly, as she was suffering from relationship PTSD. In actuality, there was excitement about this new prospect.

    Don’t your human best friends nudge you to practice self-compassion, encourage you to take risks, and then cheer your success?

    Anxiety can do that as well.

    Looking at Your Lifestyle

    A client came to me for an acupuncture session. “Everything’s going great. My career has skyrocketed, my family is fine. But most mornings, I can barely get out of bed; the anxiety is that strong. I can’t figure out why I’m a wreck when I should be so happy.”

    Going into further detail, it came up that he was sleeping barely four hours a night, overdosing on caffeine throughout the day, skipping workouts, and having a few drinks at night to offset the coffee. While his life was exciting, it was not sustainable.

    We devised a plan that was workable.

    He came in the following week, his anxiety diminished. “I’m good, but I’m in shock,” he reported. A colleague had dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of forty-five. “The timing is bizarre, and yet I have to look at what role anxiety plays in my life. I want to listen better.”

    It’s not that you have to become a purist Spartan, but being aware of your relationship with your physical body and how that corresponds with your anxiety (another relationship!) is a key factor to your overall health and peace of mind.

    You’re Not Alone

    Life is scary at times. Tragedies, death, loss, rejection—suffering surrounds us.

    When experiencing these challenges, anxiety can show up in full force, adding to the overwhelm.

    If you listen, you will hear what you can do to buffer the harshness of events.

    Perhaps the mere recognition of the situation’s gravity can bring relief. Maybe a few gentle considerations can change the terrain. Maybe you need support from others.

    Maybe you need to get your nails done.

    As a BFF, anxiety can remind you to slow down and take care of yourself. To have compassion and empathy for yourself and others. To remember your aliveness and your capacity to transform.

    If you listen, really listen, you’ll hear what may help.

    Treating anxiety as a friend, the messages will come to you in a whisper rather than a shout. This invisible force will align with you, if you align with it.

    This friend may be an over-worrier, she may nudge you, she may even resort to scaring you. But this BFF (Badass Friend Forever) just may bug you enough to finally discover—and cherish—your magnificence in human form.

    What magical messages is your new BFF bringing to you?

  • 4 Things I’d Say to My Anxiety-Filled Younger Self

    4 Things I’d Say to My Anxiety-Filled Younger Self

    Drug user fear

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As I sit here writing this, I’m just a couple of days away from my twenty-eighth birthday.

    It’s been a whole decade since an introverted, shy version of me turned eighteen years old and entered into the realms of what many people consider to be “adult age.”

    Back then, anxiety, specifically social anxiety, plagued me.

    At the time, however, I’d never even heard of anxiety, let alone considered that I may be suffering with this thing that could be termed a “mental illness.” Truth be told, I just thought I was a bit weird.

    I thought it was just who I was. And that the uncontrollable sweating whenever I left the house, the monumental nervousness before having to go into any social situation, the sick feeling before making any phone call, and the continual worry of what might happen in the future was just an annoying part of me that I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.

    The decade that followed, though, brought some huge life lessons. I graduated from college, got my first full-time job, left said job, started several businesses (failing at most), became obsessed with health, nutrition, and fitness, met the love of my life, and traveled to various parts of the world.

    But around eighteen months ago, I left the personal training business I was miserable in and became obsessed with spirituality, personal development, and understanding my own brain.

    I wanted to know why I’d been on this journey so far, yet still felt completely worthless as a human being and filled with panic about what people thought of me or what might happen in the future.

    It was during this time I did monumental amounts of reading, inward reflection, and deep inner work in order to truly get to know what was going on inside of me. I got to understand who I was and connect with myself at a level I didn’t previously think was possible.

    So as I sit here now, ten years on from my eighteenth birthday, I’d like to share four things I’ve learned over the past decade and would want to say to that anxiety-ridden, nervous, and severely introverted version of myself if I ever got the chance.

    1. Be unashamedly all of you.

    Part of the reason I was feeling all this anxiety and emptiness inside was that I had this belief that I somehow needed to be more than who I was. Like I wasn’t good enough as me in any present moment, and so I needed to add on external things in an attempt to bridge that gap.

    Deep down, at a subconscious level, I felt that I wasn’t worthy of love or attention without chasing all this stuff that was outside of myself. The degree, the job, the business, the pay bracket.

    As I attached my entire worth as a person to all this external stuff, I created a world full of anxiety for myself.

    I got anxious about having to converse with people, for fear they would figure me out as a fraud or someone who didn’t have everything together. And my desperate looking to the future for a time when I did have it all together would cause regular panic when something even slightly compromised my ability to get there.

    The irony here is that by never feeling “enough” or “worthy” and trying to gain these external things in order to be more than I was, I was actually shrinking my real self.

    The real me wasn’t showing up in the world, and I was holding myself back from everyone and everything. Bringing just a miniscule percentage of the greatest version of myself into every situation and moment. And that’s just not fair to me, or the world.

    So the first thing I would say to my eighteen-year-old self is to stop trying to be more than you are, and just unashamedly be all that you are at any given moment.

    2. You get to create yourself.

    One of my greatest fears as an eighteen-year-old, and for a good number of years following, was that I would be this incredibly shy and anxious person for the rest of my life.

    In fact, I don’t suppose it was really a fear at the time. More a simple acceptance and frustration at the fact that I’d been dealt this hand of someone who always had a knot in his stomach, struggled to hold conversations, and was perennially labelled “the quiet one.”

    If I’m honest, it caused me to really dislike and become irritated with myself. It was overwhelmingly frustrating to see other people make their way into social circles and progress in life seemingly with relative ease. Yet here I was, having to calm down and prepare myself for the simple act of making a phone call to book a dentist’s appointment.

    This all just became a part of my identity, just who I thought I was and a part of me I assumed I just had to live with.

    At some point along the way, though, I came to the realization that I was choosing to keep this social anxiety as a part of my identity. Maybe not on a conscious level, but certainly on a subconscious one.

    I discovered that by facing up to what was going on inside my anxious head, no longer trying to push it away and suppress it, and challenging the negative thoughts floating around, I could create a blank slate of sorts, to assume an identity without all the anxiety.

    In short, a person’s past does not need to dictate their present or the future. There is no “hand” we have been dealt. And so we get to create and choose into who we want to be in any given moment or phase of our lives.

    3. Life doesn’t have to look a certain way.

    For so long, I had this grandiose illusion that everything had to look a specific way.

    I believed the “correct” path in life, whatever that meant, was already there for me, and if I veered from it, something terrible would happen. In my mind, everything was filled with “should” and “should nots” around what life was supposed to look like.

    I should have a good schooling, a degree, get a good job, behave this way, do this, do that; it’s bad to do this, it’s good to do that; I should fall in line with everyone else.

    Of course, I’m not saying we should go against the grain all the time. There are some aspects in life where it’s probably a good idea to fall in line. The concepts of not judging people by the color of their skin or not being a serial killer are pretty good examples.

    But to just accept that everything needs to look the way society, the media, a religion, teachers, school, or even your parents tells us is not necessarily serving us best.

    All this did for me was create anxiety. I had a path in my mind, and if anything threatened me falling off that path then, in my head, I would be castigated from society, nobody would love me, and my whole world would cave in.

    It was as if I was constantly on the lookout for things that could move me away from how things should look. The result was being in an almost perpetual internal state of worry, panic, and dread.

    But why do things have to look a certain way? Just because a direction, path, or way of thinking worked for one person, doesn’t mean it will for anyone else.

    This is when I realized it was perfectly okay to challenge convention. To investigate different ways of thinking without the whole world judging me and everything falling apart. And that it was perfectly healthy, even necessary, to figure out my own path.

    4. Learn to love the darkness.

    This was something that took me a while to truly understand and accept. But when I did, it created a monumental amount of inner healing and peacefulness.

    We all have dark parts of our past. Some maybe have darker parts than others, but that doesn’t make them any more or less valid.

    For a long time I wished those dark parts weren’t there. I would look into my past and feel frustration and resentment for those dark parts that caused so much pain.

    I’d look into this darkness and think about how it shouldn’t be there. That it was wrong and bad it existed, and because it did, I would be judged if anyone found out; therefore, I wasn’t worthy of being happy.

    In reality, every moment in my life, the good and the bad, was part of a vast sequence of events that led me to this very moment. We need the darkness in order to experience light, up to experience down, and sadness to experience joy. Without one, the other cannot exist.

    Of course, deep wounds take time to heal. I’m not saying we should all be able to click our fingers and instantly love every aspect of the past, regardless of how traumatic or painful.

    But opening up to the idea of letting go of resentment and frustration, and appreciating dark moments in the past for what they really are, is such a powerful step. They don’t define us, and they don’t need dictate who we are. They have given us the opportunity to harness this very moment and unleash the amazing things that are inside us on the unsuspecting world.

    —

    What would you tell your younger self if you had the chance to speak with them?

  • 5 Easy, Natural Ways to Reduce Stress

    5 Easy, Natural Ways to Reduce Stress

    Meditating on a beach

    “It’s all about finding the calm in the chaos.” ~Donna Karan

    Like my grandfather, I have always been a weather geek. I check the weather news daily and, for as long as I can remember, thunderstorms, warm/cold fronts, and clouds have fascinated me.

    Close friends of mine will be the first to tell you that I have the bad habit of stopping someone mid-sentence to point out cirrus clouds, or a storm on the horizon.

    But it’s more than just a nerdy interest. Looking at thunderstorms and clouds has always had a calming effect on me.

    A few years ago I spent a summer in Edmonton, Canada, on my first extended work assignment abroad. It started well, but after a month I began receiving negative feedback from my client on the quality of work that I was submitting. Looking back, I realize there were power struggles going on in the background, and I was the scapegoat stuck in the middle.

    But at the time it caused me a lot of stress, and each negative comment made me feel more and more like a failure.

    At the end of one rough day in particular, I received another critical email from my client. On the drive home from the office I could feel my heart accelerating and hammers bashing on my forehead, signaling the onset of a stress-induced migraine.

    My apartment sat high on a hill, and when I arrived home I happened to catch a glimpse of the outside view from the corner of my eye.

    An enormous thunderstorm dominated the horizon; turbulent masses of air and water billowed high into the sky. The sunset was hitting the tops of the clouds at an angle that made the storm look like it was on fire. Hues of orange, red, and deep gray swirled into each other.

    I was intrigued and stepped outside on my balcony to take a better look. I sat down on a chair and stayed there for at least an hour, watching churning clouds climb through the atmosphere and streaks of lightning flash through the flaming vapors.

    As I sat there, with my eyes fixed on the spectacle before me, my heart rate and breathing slowed down, and the pounding in my head abated.

    I knew that everything I was going through would pass and I felt at peace.

    We all experience stress at one point. And because we have busy lives, we don’t always have the time to go running, or do yoga, or watch a funny movie to get rid of it.

    Practicing mindfulness can be an effective alternative though. This pulls us into the present moment and can reduce our stress with minimal time and effort. Five ways we can use our surroundings to do this are to:

    1. Sit quietly by a body of water.

    Since mankind first came into existence, humans have used the calming effects of water to find peace. If you are stressed, find a river, a pond, an ocean—any body of water will do the trick. Try sitting next to the water and notice what your five senses are registering.

    Listen to the sounds of the waves or the soft gurgles of the streaming water. Watch how the wind dances across the water, changing its surface into different shades of blue. Feel the wind on your face.

    You might find that the cool water is able to carry your problems away with it.

    2. Surround yourself with plants.

    Another option for us is to spend a quiet moment in a green environment, whether it’s a park, a forest, a field, or our own backyard.

    Use your senses and concentrate on how the sun feels on your face, or the ground underneath you. Smell the grass and plants. Listen to the birds and watch the various insects and other creatures go about their daily activities.

    Surrounding ourselves with trees and grass can have a positive effect on our well-being by removing us from stressful urban environments. This gives us a chance to take deep breaths, reset our attention, and focus on the most important parts of our lives.

    3. Look at the sky.

    If you don’t have the time to find trees and water, just look up at the sky, wherever you happen to be. I’ve always loved watching thunderstorms, but the sky offers countless opportunities for us to sit back and take our minds off of our problems.

    Spotting funny shapes in clouds is useful for expanding our own creativity. A good sunset, on the other hand, with its wide spectrum of colors, helps us appreciate the beauty of the world, even if we’ve had an awful day.

    And at night the sky is lit up with the soft glow of the moon and the stars. These remind us that, in the grand scheme of things, our troubles are often a lot smaller than they feel at that particular moment.

    4. Observe the people next to you.

    Observing the people around us, however, can also be an effective method to take our minds off of a stressful situation.

    I often use this technique in airports. It’s hilarious to watch parents try and corral their small children, who are always on a mission to explore every square inch of the terminal.

    Or sometimes I pick a person walking by and create a backstory for them in my head. For example, I might imagine who they are, where they are from, and why they are in the airport at that moment.

    It sounds strange, and it’s not the same as being in nature, but at least it can be entertaining and help us to think about something else.

    5. Focus on the outside world.

    When we are stuck in the office though, sometimes the best method for us is to spend a moment quietly observing the world outside of our windows. If you can see water, or trees, these can offer similar benefits as being in nature.

    If you are in a high-rise building, and are surrounded by concrete and glass, try observing whatever is outside. Watch the cars driving by, the flashing lights of the billboards, or the people scurrying to and from work. This gives our brains a break and reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles.

    —

    Stress can come at inconvenient moments when we are unable to devote much time and energy to mitigate it. Using mindfulness to observe the world around us, even if only for a minute or two, can have immediate positive effects. .

    It’s simple and free, so why not give it a try?

  • Whatever You’re Feeling, It Will Eventually Pass

    Whatever You’re Feeling, It Will Eventually Pass

  • The Power of Doing Nothing When You’re Frustrated or Anxious

    The Power of Doing Nothing When You’re Frustrated or Anxious

    Stressed man meditating

    “This ‘doing nothing’ is not a cold, passive resignation, but is a luminous, sacred activity, infused with presence and a wild sort of compassion. It is a radical act of kindness and love.” ~Matt Licata

    I am storming home after work.

    The important men in my life are driving me bonkers—they’ve been self-important, disrespectful, condescending jerks.

    My dad doesn’t see the value in the work I do, and my partner blew off our date to take an important phone call. My younger brother leapt off of the phone with me, which he’s been doing every time I’ve called in the last year.

    I am taking furious, short breaths, and hardly noticing each step.

    My mind races with things I could say to show them just how in the wrong they are. I rocket between being spiteful and feeling sorry for myself.

    A woman my age walks toward me, carrying two bags and nursing a baby. I move aside to let her by and accidently make eye contact with her little girl.

    She gazes at me unblinkingly, no expression on her small, round face. She doesn’t react to my momentary presence in her world; she just looks at me.

    Our eyes meet for only a moment, and then they are both gone. That look has stopped me in my tracks and drained me of all my struggle. I’m standing there on the sidewalk, feeling totally empty of the fury that possessed me a few seconds earlier.

    That emptiness makes me lightheaded, and I stand for a moment, swaying in the dusky light. I’m suddenly aware of my breathing, of the tightness in my abdomen and hands. For the first time, I notice what a whipped-up tower of smoke and rage I’ve become.

    I make eye contact with myself, as if I’m now the wide-eyed babe, lying on my mother’s chest.

    I’m filled with compassion for myself. I become aware that the anger I was feeling is also anger at myself for not hearing and responding to what I want—for putting my needs last, for being judgmental and self-righteous.

    This awareness washes over me in a wave of feelings, more so than thoughts. I experience anger, sadness, and finally the comfort of being heard. Someone is listening to me—I am listening to me.

    . . . . .

    I regularly encourage my girlfriends to take more time for themselves, to move more slowly through choices and transitions, to make space in their heads to really hear themselves.

    I don’t want to wait for a wide-eyed magic babe to spook us back into our own experience. I want us to be intentional about it.

    Through meditation, I can sometimes create space to hear myself. But many of my friends are fast-paced, creative women who have a hard time sitting still. Meditating is simple, but not easy, and especially for these active types, “doing nothing” is something that has to be eased into.

    Walking has been an incredible space-creator for me, as has writing.

    At the beginning of both of these pursuits, I am filled with chitter-chatter—the daily bushwhack through the swamp of self-judgment, fear, and worry.

    By being intentionally aware of my surroundings when walking, and my words when writing, the fog of my heavy thoughts begins to lift. Eventually I am purely in the experience—noticing the birds and the flowers, and the feeling in the bottoms of my feet, or simply connecting word to word, sentence to sentence.

    To maintain a connection to the physical world around me and the spiritual world within me, I practice both writing and walking for an hour every day. Sometimes, it’s an uphill battle and I end up feeling totally defeated. But most days, at least a shimmer of my true self shows up during my practice, and I feel blissfully at peace.

    . . . .

    The lesson I learned that evening, when I saw the baby and her mother, was that how I’m feeling just is.

    Most of my frustration and anxiety comes from trying to fix the way I’m feeling, to somehow “solve” it. As soon as I settled into the experience of being angry, the anger itself just sort of melted away, and my true desires became apparent.

    A friend and I were recently speaking about “looking straight at things” rather than seeing them out of the corner of your eye and avoiding them. We were discussing negative body-talk, anxiety about work, and the emotional discomfort that often leads to overeating.

    She told me, “If I could just look straight at the part of me that wants a bowl of cereal, I would see that I’m actually nervous about an upcoming presentation.” The urge to eat more when she’s already full is disguising the discomfort of feeling over her head at work.

    My intense anger at the important men in my life was disguising the true discomfort that stemmed from over-working myself, not prioritizing my own self-care, and putting others’ opinions of my life before my own.

    A curious experience with a tiny stranger was enough to shock me out of my thoughts, bring me back into my body, and allow me to really hear myself.

    That moment reminded me how to be present and to give myself the time and space to understand my inner needs.

    I extend this same reminder to you: In whatever way is easiest for you, start being present to yourself by doing nothing. I challenge you to lie on the couch, sit on the bench, or meditate; allow space for your true hopes and fears to bubble up into your conscious mind.

    As Matt Licata says, this is a “radical act of kindness and love,” and we each benefit from showing ourselves that loving kindness.

  • You Don’t Have to Be Positive All the Time

    You Don’t Have to Be Positive All the Time

    You don't have to be positive all the time

  • Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You

    Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You

    Sad girl

    “People aren’t always going to be there for you. That’s why you need to learn to handle things on your own.” ~Unknown

    Anxiety is a box around your mind. It’s the cage in which your deepest worries start to pace, then walk, and gain momentum until they’re out of control.

    Once these worries and scenarios take off and hit the walls of this box, they’re trapped, and tension starts building.

    It can be an exhausting cycle of stress that you might think you have to face alone if you want to avoid opening yourself up to pity or rejection.

    You may think others will judge or stereotype you if they know about your struggle. Or, you might worry that if they do know, they’ll assume you’re either looking for attention or not doing enough to function like everyone else.

    Here’s the kicker: You don’t have to function like everyone else. When you struggle with anxiety, just functioning is something to be proud of.

    The absence of another’s approval or input when progressing can make you feel like you’re not making improvement at all. It’s hard to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack or downturn of emotions, and it can feel lonely when you think you can’t call on anyone, but there are times when self-reliance is your only option.

    Yes, this may happen. It happened to me, and it was my worst-case scenario realized.

    I lost people who I called on too many times for help, and I know I frustrated people by making unhealthy choices solely because I was anxious about the alternative options.

    I felt like a burden on the very people I would help in any way I could, if the situation were reversed.

    Relating to friends became a game of how normal I could act. It’s an extremely difficult way to live.

    Although it can be helpful to open up to someone who can support you, sometimes you need to admit to yourself that, in this moment, you must do it alone.

    Here are a few things that have helped me cope with my anxiety and the disappointments in my relationships.

    1. Recognize that some people won’t be able to be there for you.

    I started out the summer in a close group of my four best friends and ended it with a completely new social group and a long drive to a different country.

    It’s not easy to let go of friends you thought were going to be in your life forever, but it’s often necessary.

    Knowing when to separate is something I struggle with. I constantly think of what I could still have in my life if I had made different choices. But I know I made the right decision for myself. The best friends I look to now understand my struggles and uplift me instead of bringing me down.

    When you grow, the people you surround yourself with may change, but this is the best part of the process. As you meet new people and gain new interests, you’ll find individuals that you’ll connect with on a deeper level than you would simply based on who was in close proximity.

    Allow people to have a temporary presence in your life, and stop weighing yourself down with worry about whether that’s the right choice.

    Trying to maintain relationships that are exhausting or stressful, just because you don’t want to be lonely, will prevent you from finding relationships that provide the support you need.

    2. Forgive yourself.

    Often. Until you’re sure you’ve forgiven every mistake you’ve made and will make in this learning process.

    I often ruminate on possible mistakes I made until they become these catastrophically negative ideas about how others may see me.

    Learning to let go of the past and forgive all of these small slips has had a huge impact on how I am able to deal with daily anxiety. There’s enormous power in realizing that all of these small worries really are just that—small—and very few have an impact on the big picture of your life.

    There are many things I exaggerated in my mind through the past year that I realize, as I regretfully look back, weren’t worth the time I lost being happy.

    Yes, I made mistakes.

    I did things to follow the crowd and swallowed my opinions because I felt too anxious to speak my mind. I held my feelings inside because I worried about upsetting people, and as a result, jeopardized relationships with my family. I jeopardized my health for a few party nights. I called in sick to work because I couldn’t imagine working in such an anxious state.

    I forgave myself for it all.

    Forgiving myself isn’t a way to shirk responsibility for the apologies I should give, but when you’re on your own journey, you can’t depend on others to give you the absolution you’re seeking.

    If you give yourself love, compassion, forgiveness, and support, it will be easier to cope when others don’t offer you these things.

    3. Practice gratitude.

    “Interrupt anxiety with gratitude.”

    This quote has helped me more than any counselor or antidepressant has in the past.

    Anxiety causes the scenarios in my mind to become disaster scenes within moments. I might be thinking about an interview or an event I have to attend, or even simply a friend I have to meet, and instantaneously become worried sick about what could go wrong.

    Once again, starting small helped me work through my daily anxiety without another’s support.

    It really is about the little things in life.

    At first, I was grateful for the fact that the tap water I used to wash my hands wasn’t freezing cold on a winter day. I was grateful for my tea still being hot when I got to school. I was grateful that my hair wasn’t frizzy.

    But soon, it grew into more than that. It became “I’m grateful I have an interview to go to because it’s the possibility of a job.” It was “I’m grateful that I have an event to go to because it means people want me to be there,” and, “I’m glad I have to meet this person because I enjoy their mindset.”

    It healed “I’m worried you don’t love me” into “I’m so grateful that you are in my life.”

    Gratitude for the present moment allows anxiety to fall to the wayside. You choose to honor the positive possibilities rather than obsess over the chance of a negative outcome.

    —

    Through all of the trials anxiety will put you through, remember that your journey is your own. Yes, it’s helpful to have support, and we all deserve it. But you can choose to help yourself whether others do or not. So do it. Function. Happily. Independently. And confidently on your own terms.

  • How to Deal with Depression and Anxiety: 10 Lessons from a Lake

    How to Deal with Depression and Anxiety: 10 Lessons from a Lake

    Woman near water

    “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Low moods can roll in like a numbing wave, washing out the pleasure from life.

    If you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone. Surveys have shown that the vast majority of people in the US eventually experience some depressive symptoms, and many are anxious. I’ve been there before.

    Early in my medical career, I made some research findings that contradicted the then-current views. My boss was not an expert in that area, so he simply sat on the papers, refusing to submit them to a professional journal. I was idealistic, but he preferred safety.

    My helplessness in the matter dragged me down, until I fell ill. I developed a serious chest infection and could hardly drag myself out of bed, not even for the bathroom. I felt numb, demotivated, useless, and hopeless.

    Luckily, some senior colleagues arranged for me to do further studies. The change of scene helped. Then I was offered a great job, soon followed by an even better one, and a third.

    Life soon got so busy that twenty-four hours in a day no longer sufficed. My career flourished, but my family had to put up with an irritable insomniac who frequently traveled abroad and had forgotten how to relax.

    I then took a break in Scotland one fall, with colorful trees and blue sky reflected in the mirror-like surface of a lake. The beauty was glorious, so I started to learn about this wonder of nature. The more I learned, the more I found parallels with challenging situations, depression, and anxiety.

    Gray, rainy days followed. I went out on the next sunny day and threw a pebble into the lake. The lake rippled, but eventually returned to its calm state.

    Here’s what I learned from the lake about overcoming depression and anxiety.

    1. Acknowledge your emotional pain.

    A lake freely expresses distress during stormy days, with a turbulent surface. Suppressing feelings is unhelpful.

    Hidden emotional pain can eventually overwhelm you, as with my chest infection. Once you name your feelings, they lose some power. You become the observer, not the victim, of feelings.

    Allow tears to flow naturally; they express hurt. Write or record on your phone what’s troubling you and how you’re feeling, like a child blurting out everything. Read that, or listen back, to gain understanding.

    2. Practice distraction.

    In stormy weather, the lake’s focus shifts to its depths. We too can benefit from shifting our focus away from persistent, unhelpful thoughts and feelings. This can help restore perspective.

    Whenever my life feels too stressful, I find that making music or doing vigorous exercise can transform my mood.

    Distraction can be as simple as counting the number of red cars passing by, or watching a funny video, listening to your favorite music, singing, coloring, having a massage, walking in nature, playing with children or pets, or anything that absorbs or relaxes you.

    Your brain, like a computer, has a limited amount of “working memory.” Distraction keeps it occupied. Depression and anxiety have less room.

    3. Accept what can’t be changed.

    When you throw a rock into a lake, it won’t resist. Ice may break, but the liquid lake won’t. In discussions with my inflexible boss, I was hard as ice, and paid for that with illness.

    How can distress be made more bearable? Recognize when you are resisting something that can’t be changed, and pause to observe your own breathing and bodily sensations.

    If unhelpful thoughts or feelings arise, notice them without engaging with them, and return to observing your breath. Then distressing thoughts, feelings, and circumstances won’t easily break you.

    4. Become less self-critical.

    A lake nurtures its inner life, with nutrients circulating below the surface. We, too, need to nurture ourselves, especially when experiencing depression or anxiety. Both are bullies that try to turn us against ourselves.

    If self-criticism grows, try going through a list of positive characteristics and identify a few that best describe you. Then, elaborate and write out some of those characteristics in detail, using specific examples. To illustrate, if compassion is one of your characteristics, recall specific incidents when you comforted someone in distress.

    After repeating this exercise for a few positive characteristics, you’ll feel much better about yourself and life.

    5. Hold on to hope.

    A lake is fed by streams. We have “streams” that can feed us, as well, if we enable them.

    Try reaching out to others who are likely to understand how you’re feeling, perhaps by joining, or starting, a well-being group, or seeking professional help. Others can listen to you and reassure you.

    Also, realize that you’re not set in stone. Scientific research shows that even your brain can change. I’m much more optimistic, sympathetic, warmer, and calmer now than I was in my twenties. We can all learn and grow, no matter what our age..

    6. Become skilled at self-parenting your inner child.

    Imagine your toddler falling over repeatedly while learning how to walk. Think of the loving, encouraging, heart-warming things you might say. Practice saying such things to your inner child.

    I got far more criticism than appreciation as a child, but I now consciously reverse the balance in my self-talk. I remind myself that my faults are just part of being human.

    This will benefit not only you, but also the people around you. As you shower unconditional love on yourself, it will overflow to your children, family, and friends. A lake gives life to all around, but it must renew itself with water.

    7. Reduce big problems to small solutions.

    As you regain perspective and energy, you can start to tackle problems.

    Pick one problem that seems solvable. Pick the most promising solution. Identify a simple next step.

    Congratulate yourself when you take this small step. Then take the next small step. Keep going, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

    Life need never be more complicated than taking the simple next step. A lake needs no giant moves.

    8. Change what can be changed.

    A lake is big enough to survive storms. The most powerful change you can make is to grow bigger than your unhelpful thoughts and feelings.

    When you’re depressed or anxious, your thoughts tend to become distorted. However, you needn’t swallow the first thought that jumps into your mind.

    For example, if someone barked at me, I previously assumed it had everything to do with me. However, it might have been some stress in their life causing their rude behavior. I don’t need to know for sure; I need just to weaken the force of my first thought. Then I can go on with life, lighter and freer.

    Further, if something goes wrong in one area of my life, I needn’t believe that everything will go wrong in all areas of my life. The more confident I become of a happier future, the more powerful I grow.

    9. Boost your physical well-being.

    A lake is constantly active. Older plant life from near the surface sinks to the depths, and the different layers mix. That’s how a lake stays in good condition.

    The healthier I eat and the more regularly I do vigorous exercise, the calmer and more energized I feel.

    Nourishing meals with plenty of vegetables are much healthier than sugary or processed snacks and drinks. Regular, vigorous exercise is powerfully effective against depression, according to scientific research.

    10. Cultivate “flow.”

    A lake would rot and dry out if the water stopped flowing. As you develop, “flow” could help boost your confidence and calm.

    “Flow” is a state where you’re completely absorbed in an activity, with your skills rising to meet the challenge of the activity. You feel strong, alert, unselfconscious, and at the peak of your abilities. Your brain is fully occupied by the activity.

    I experience “flow” when I’m creating original music. It’s a wonderful experience, every time. Find and cultivate your own sources of “flow.”

    —

    Depression and anxiety need not define you, no matter how tight their grip. Take courage from scientific research. It confirms that most people with symptoms of depression and anxiety can eventually enjoy fulfilling lives.

    Even your brain can develop new cells, connections, and functions.

    You could become like a lake that endures wintry storms and gales, but survives to enjoy the colors of spring, summer, and fall. Eventually, one small step at a time, you could become as deeply peaceful and energized as a lake.

    Practice showering your inner child with unconditional love, and experience the difference.

  • When Something Has to Change: How to Push Yourself to Take Action

    When Something Has to Change: How to Push Yourself to Take Action

    Stressed woman

    “The truth you believe in and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chodron

    At some point, there comes a defining moment when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you just can’t keep living the way you’ve been living.

    You know that something has got to give and realize that you only have two options—either change or stay the same.

    The idea of having to choose either one of those options feels absolutely unbearable, so you find yourself trapped between the two, in this awful purgatory of indecision.

    That’s exactly where I was trapped: unable to stay in an unhappy marriage, and unable to leave it.

    The prospect of changing required the long journey inward, having to look at myself honestly and courageously and do the things I was afraid to do.

    To change meant that I had to leap into uncharted waters, not knowing if I’d sink or swim. And in the face of that, I was easily lured back to the comfort of the familiar.

    I was quick to reassure myself that even in my unhappy situation, with all of its heartache and suffering, at least I knew what to expect. And that thought was comforting.

    In precise tandem with that thought was the awareness that if I couldn’t bring myself to leap off the cliff to change, I would be stuck living life in this state of unhappiness and dysfunction. And that thought was terrifying.

    I couldn’t stay where I was, but I was too afraid to move forward.

    This purgatory of indecision was an awful place to be. It was filled with its own unique despair. It was fraught with doubt, shame, anger, and huge amounts of fear. But in spite of that, it still wasn’t enough to propel me in any one direction.

    I was stuck in this purgatory for years. Eventually, I came to understand that my thoughts and beliefs didn’t actually come from me. They came from the very loud and dictatorial voice of my codependent mind.

    It had become so loud and powerful that it had all but drowned out my own voice. One of its most potent functions was to convince me that every terrible thing I told myself about myself was the gospel truth.

    I’ve learned to think of my codependency as a seed—and the same analogy applies for addiction, depression, and other struggles.

    There sits the seed of it, buried deep in our brain. And in some of us, at some point, something will happen to trigger it.

    That event acts as the water it needs to grow. If it’s allowed to set its roots down, it continues to grow stronger and stronger. The voice of that dysfunction slowly and steadfastly takes over and begins to drown out you.

    Eventually, this dysfunctional voice is the only one you hear, and so you recognize it as you, but it’s not.

    I think of it as two minds—my mind and the codependent mind. My co-dependent mind had grown so big, and its roots so deep, that it was calling all the shots.

    The mind of any dysfunction, regardless of where it originated, has its own unique sets of toolboxes. In my case, my codependent mind was a master at using fear and self-doubt to create confusion.

    Fear, along with self-doubt, whispers “you’re not good enough” or “you are not worthy,” and insists, “you can’t trust what you feel or what you think,” thereby creating all kinds of space for confusion to reign.

    There was a constant tug of war going on inside of me. I was convinced that what I wanted and needed was wrong if it wasn’t in alignment with what others wanted and needed from me.

    Daily, my codependent mind reminded me that I was inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, and incapable. And as the codependent voice got louder and louder, it eventually became the only voice I recognized and heard.

    But here’s the thing: The secret to silencing that voice of dysfunction is to challenge it. We must disbelieve what it’s saying.

    The problem was that any attempt at disagreeing with what my codependent mind created huge amounts of anxiety and fear.

    So you can see the predicament: To silence it, we have to disbelieve it. And to disbelieve it creates tremendous anxiety.

    The thing you need to know is that anxiety is the superpower of any dysfunction. It uses our disdain and discomfort for feeling anxious as a way of staying in control. This is what makes it so clever and difficult to outwit.

    And it was this desperate need to avoid feeling anxious that kept me from challenging my codependent thinking.

    As tough as it may seem, to be able to change your beliefs about yourself, you need to disbelieve what that voice of dysfunction is telling you, and do the very thing you think you can’t do.

    As you challenge it, you will experience anxiety and fear. But no one has ever died from feeling anxious or afraid. Ever.

    Feeling anxious or afraid will not kill you. But it will free you from the life you are trapped in, and from the incessant voice of your dysfunctional mind.

    I began by deciding to actively disbelieve any negative or unkind thoughts I had about myself.

    If they didn’t lift me up, I disbelieved them. Martha Beck, author and monthly columnist for O, The Oprah Magazine says: “All thoughts that separate you from genuine happiness are lies.” That became my daily mantra.

    As I practiced this new way of being—refusing to believe those negative thoughts as gospel truth—slowly but surely, my thoughts and beliefs about myself began to change.

    When my codependent thinking said I wasn’t capable, I chose to trust my capabilities were enough for that moment. When my codependent thinking said I wasn’t good enough, I chose to believe that I was enough.

    The more I decided I was lovable and worthy of love, the more confident, assured, and certain I became of who I was, and the more clearly I could hear my own voice.

    You must decide that you will no longer trust the voice of dysfunction. And once you do, I promise you, it will begin to retreat, and your voice—the voice of self-love, truth, and wisdom—will become loud and clear.

    Stressed image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips for Managing Stress from a Combat Veteran

    4 Tips for Managing Stress from a Combat Veteran

    Meditating

    “Buddha was asked, ‘What have you gained from meditation?’ He replied, ‘Nothing.’ ‘However,’ Buddha said, ‘let me tell you what I lost: anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age, and death.’”

    “I never get stressed.”

    I used to say and think this all the time when I saw someone freaking out about an upcoming test, a bad grade, relationship problems, or a boss or coworker.

    I had a false sense of being “carefree” because I wouldn’t get stressed over the trivial things that most people did.

    I was a “battle hardened” soldier recently back from a deployment in Afghanistan. When I saw people worry about those inconsequential things, I would think to myself, “Please, you have no idea what it means to be stressed.”

    As it turns out, my understanding of stress was wrong. It’s also wrong for a lot of people who believe they aren’t stressed.

    It wasn’t until I started meditating three years after my deployment that I started to realize that I was stressed—just in a different way and from different things than most people.

    After meditating every day for a couple months, my “ah-ha” moment finally hit me.

    I was sitting in traffic, late for an appointment (I hate being late), watching all the people around me freaking out. For once, I was calm and collected sitting in that traffic, thinking, “Why freak out about something I can’t change?”

    That was when I really started to see the benefits and began reflecting on my past.

    I realized that since returning from my deployment, I had become very irritable, not a great people person, and had very little patience.

    The reaction time between something happening and my response was almost immediate.

    If my girlfriend confronted me about a problem, I would immediately either get defensive and blame her or just shut down and ignore her.

    Literally all of this started to change, just from consistently meditating for eight minutes a day!

    My life has been drastically different since then. I am much more calm and collected. I don’t get upset over little things, especially if they’re out of my control.

    My response time to a stimulus has greatly increased so I can choose the type of reaction I have and think about what to say.

    My relationship with my wife (the same girlfriend from before) is incredible, and we know how to communicate like mature adults by allowing time to see the reality of a situation and choose how we respond to it.

    I’ve brought about an awareness that allows me to continually grow as a person and manage the hidden stressors that often go by unnoticed.

    This is just part of a long list of benefits from meditation, and I could go on and on… like how nice it is to be able to travel in third world countries without constantly keeping an eye out for ambushes or looking for my next piece of cover (a habit I had from deployment).

    Although it’s great to talk about meditation and its benefits, what I really want people to understand is that there may be a lot more stress in your life than you realize, and when you meditate you become aware of that stress and are able to shift how you respond to it.

    When it comes to this type of stress, the older you are, the worse it gets.

    If you have ten, twenty, thirty-plus years of having negative experiences without intentionally prioritizing positive ones, you are much more likely to easily become stressed and have a negative view of the world.

    The more hidden stress you experience, the more efficient your body gets at activating your physiological stress response, commonly known as “fight or flight” mode.

    Ask yourself this: Were you, or someone you know, once “carefree” but are now afraid of heights, flying, and think natural disasters and shootings are about to happen whenever you leave home?

    Well, you can thank your body’s efficient adaptability for that. The more stressful situations you have (and yes, watching all the negative things on the news is stressful), the more your body thinks it needs to switch into the fight or flight response to keep you safe.

    That means your brain becomes more efficient at recognizing even the smallest of stressors, and less efficient at calming down or noticing positive things.

    For me, it was a condensed time period that required a lot of worst-case scenario thinking. When you are constantly exposed to driving on roads with IEDs (improvised explosive devices), that stress response will condition your physiology to tell you that roads are a very dangerous place.

    The same thing happens if you only watch the news; you’ll have a very misconstrued perception of the world, and you’ll be constantly feeding the bias your brain has for negative experiences.

    Evolutionarily, your brain has needed to remember negative experiences to protect you much more than it needed to remember positive experiences. It takes time to undo this wiring of neural pathways that your brain has put in place. But it can be done, and meditation is a great way to build new “positive pathways” in your brain.

    There’s an enormous amount of ways to meditate so I’ll share what I’ve personally done and am still doing, in the hopes that it will help you as well.

    1. Basic mindfulness meditation

    I started my practice with a book called 8 Minute Meditation. It takes you through a series of different styles, most of which I liked. But from this I continued to do a simple meditation every morning of focusing on my breath. Just doing this lead me to the “ah-ha moment” I mentioned earlier.

    2. Meditation apps

    I also use a couple different apps now that I like to use mid-day or at night. In particular, I like the “loving kindness” options, also known as “focus on positive”. This is perfect for trying to counteract the negativity bias and rebuild positive neural pathways. There are a lot of options out there, including Calm, which is free.

    3. Reading

    This may not be thought of as meditation, but if meditation can be doing one task effortlessly with focused concentration on that one particular task, then reading is a type of meditation for me.

    I easily enter what’s called “flow state” when I read. Not only that, I’m reading positive things which helps shape the way I think. The other end of this could also be “not watching the news”, just like I don’t like putting junk in my body by eating it, I don’t like putting junk in my body by watching/hearing it.

    If reading isn’t quite your thing, then try listening to podcasts. Preferably podcasts that lift you up and feed your brain with positivity and learning. These can be easily listened to on your way to work, at the gym, cooking, walking, or you can just sit down and listen.

    4. Walking

    Walking is such an undervalued way to de-stress. I love walking for a lot of reasons, pretty much any major life decision my wife and I have made in the past few years has been made while walking.

    In terms of meditation, walking meditation is an awesome practice. It’s a great way to bring about your awareness while getting the benefits of moving your body. Odds are, you walk at some point in your day. So if you’re strapped for time, use walking from the car to work as time to practice mindfulness.

    After hating being late to the point of stressing out, I now tell myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. In the here, in the now.” This has helped me drastically. Check out Thich Naht Hahn’s How to Walk for more.

    There are a number of other ways to help you de-stress and become a more relaxed, positive person. These are just some ways to get started and feel less anxious, worried, and negative.

    Start to use some of these strategies and it’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders that you didn’t even know was there.

    Meditation vector image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    Power Posing

    “Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” ~Plato

    A few weeks ago, I was standing in front of a mirror in the women’s bathroom at work.

    I could feel the cold sweat down my spine and was angry for not being able to gain a better control of myself. I attempted everything in the book—took deep breaths, closed my eyes, tried to calm down, counted slowly to fifty.

    No change.

    My anxiety was still running high, my pulse was rushing, and I looked as a frightened little bird trapped in a cage. The occasion? An executive meeting that I was supposed to lead and pitch an idea to the company’s CEO about ways to achieve efficiency and save some money.

    No biggie, some would say. In fact, many people would thrive at the opportunity to make themselves visible to the highest levels of leadership. I wish I were one of those thrill-loving extroverts.

    As an introvert, though, I shy away from being the centre of attention. Right now, I was also terrified. And as I was standing in the washroom, I felt as if I would have a heart attack. And nobody would know what a great presentation I had prepared!

    Then, I remembered something that I read a while ago. Worth the try…

    In 2012, at the TED Global conference in Edinburgh, Prof. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologists from Harvard University gave a speech that became one of the most watched TED talks of all times. The topic: “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”

    The main idea is that standing in certain poses, even if we only visualize it, can give us an instant boost of self-esteem, although we may not feel truly confident on the inside. In other words—faking it can help us make it.

    Her research has shown that by taking a power pose—or, as she calls it, “making ourselves big”—for two mere minutes before an important meeting can change our brains and make us more assertive and less anxious.

    After only two minutes, our testosterone levels increase by 20% while cortisol levels decrease by 25%. (Ideally, every great leader has high levels of testosterone and low levels of cortisol). The power poses are the ones where we spread ourselves.

    For instance, forming a “V” with our hands or putting our hands on our hips. Poses, such as crossing our arms in front of us or hunching forward, in contrast, make us feel small and insecure.

    Therefore, if we want to portray instant confidence, we should practice power poses daily.

    This notion may not sound as a revolutionary one at a first listen. But, in fact, it is.

    The “power poses” study shows that by standing in certain body positions, we can make ourselves not only appear more confident to others but also feel this way. In other words, we can change who we are, as Prof. Cuddy puts it.

    Our brains’ chemistry would change, literally. And therefore, over time, our personality would as well.

    My train of thought races forward to yet other pieces of research I’ve read about, done few years ago on smiling.

    Many studies have previously shown that smiling is not simply a way to do facial gymnastics, nor something that we should only engage in when we feel happy. Conscious efforts and even “training” ourselves to smile can make us feel happier.

    It’s not always an inside-out relationship (we feel happy, therefore we smile) but rather greater benefits can be experienced the other way around—when we start with that small facial gesture that can, in turn, change our mood, make us appear more likeable and competent to others.

    Simply put, smiling can make us feel happy.

    The proof and the examples are countless.

    Patients injected with Botox who are unable to frown have reported to feel generally happier than those who can express negative emotions. People that smile during medical procedures have also stated to feel less pain.

    Even more surprising, though, is the fact that Charles Darwin was one of the first scientists to propose this idea. All the way back in 1872, Darwin stated that “the free expression by outward signs of an emotion intensifies it. Even the simulation of an emotion tends to arouse it in our minds.”

    Simply put, he suggested that even faking an emotion can light up our brains and make us feel better. Exactly as Prof. Amy Cuddy has also stated and proved so many years later.

    If we convince ourselves that we are happy and smile often, or that we are confident and fearless and start acting this way, over time, we do become happier and more confident. Pretty amazing!

    Back to my reflection in the mirror. So, I spent two minutes in a “V” pose, and another two with hands behind my head and elbows to the side.

    Up until today, I am still unsure if this really helped me to pull through that day, or it was my self-persuasion that I would somehow make it. Regardless, I did feel better—after the “V” pose and grinning for about five minutes without stopping.

    I can only imagine what I looked like to a bystander! But hey, if smiling and taking “big poses” can help us live a longer and happier life, does it really matter if we look quirky in front of a bathroom mirror form time to time?

    Finally, if you ask me today what the secret to being a cheerful, confident, and fulfilled individual is, I would tell you that it may as well be something as simple as becoming a smiling Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man) for few minutes every day.

    Girl in superhero costume via Shutterstock

  • How Accepting Anxiety Can Lead to Peace

    How Accepting Anxiety Can Lead to Peace

    “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My unwillingness to accept my anxiety disorder (there, I said it, I have a disorder) results in panic.

    It results in waking up at night, heart racing, body tingling and trembling.

    It results in driving down the road in a thunderstorm thinking I am having a heart attack—but I just keep driving and talking to my beloved on the phone because “if I can just keep driving away from it, it will be okay.”

    Instead of accepting anxiety as a family member of sorts, I resist and resent her visits. She’s always forced into drastic measures to get my attention.

    When the panic and physical symptoms of anxiety start, I assign it to something else.

    My heart races and I must have a heart condition. I’m dizzy and I must have a neurological condition. If it’s not me I assign it to, it’s my children. My son has a horrible bruise; it must be Leukemia. Life is too good; something awful is going to happen to someone I love.

    It always happens just like this, I’ve realized recently.

    Anxiety shows up over and over the course of my lifetime, yet my expectation is that it won’t.

    Instead, I expect that I will always be happy, stress-free, compassionate toward others (but not myself), kind, thoughtful, smart, successful, fit, skinny, wrinkle-free—the list of things I “should” be goes on for miles. That word, “should,” is something that I need to eliminate from my vocabulary.

    I convince myself that anxiety can’t be the cause of these physical symptoms, because that would mean that I am something less than happy.

    Ah, there it is. Feelings other than happiness are bad, and I should (there’s that word again) be happy all the time; so therefore, if I’m not happy, I’m not perfect and I’m a failure. See how that works?

    Yeah, I see how irrational, uncompassionate, and unforgiving that is when it’s on paper, which is one reason I’m writing this. The other reason is because I realized I’m not being true to who I am without accepting this part of me.

    People who know me describe me as an open book. I would have described myself that way until recently.

    This is a part of me that I’ve hidden for years. I tuck anxiety away like that black sheep of the family and make sure no one, not even those closest to me, know her.

    I’ve been ashamed of my anxiety and I’ve realized that all along that black sheep family member just needed me to accept her.

    To sit with her and maybe give her a hug and say, “I see you. I know you’ve visited before. Feeling something other than ‘perfectly happy’ is a normal part of life and I should expect to feel anxious, worried, upset, or even sad sometimes. You’re here to help me figure out what feeling is really behind this anxiety and what actions I can take to feel better.”

    Recently, my children went out of state with their father for a week. This was the first time I had been that far away from them for that long.

    Every day I would wake with a jolt, heart beating fast, wondering why I felt so anxious. I finally realized that being away from my children and worrying about their safety was causing these feelings of panic.

    After recognizing this, I decided to focus on the fun things they were doing every day and how this trip would provide them great memories for many years to come instead of thinking about all of the “what ifs” associated with their trip.

    I see this recent epiphany as progress in my lifelong journey of self-acceptance.

    I am going to try hard to see anxiety as the gift she is, because every time she leaves, I’m a little more enlightened. I feel more capable of managing my anxiety and I realize that I am in control of my thoughts, not the other way around.

    I am able to be more compassionate to others when they are feeling less than “perfectly happy.” I’m able to dig a little deeper into what is causing my anxiety versus denying I have it at all.

    When I do that, I can develop a plan, which either addresses any legitimate concerns or dispels any irrational ones. It’s a lot easier than continuing along just being a victim of my own thoughts.

    The next time anxiety shows up, I’m going to try to embrace her visit so she doesn’t have to go to such drastic lengths to be seen and heard. I’ll simply say, “Oh, it’s you again. Come on in and sit a spell. We have work to do.”

    If you also have a family member named anxiety that’s visiting you more often than you would like, sit with her for a while. Think about why she’s there. What are your anxious thoughts?

    Write down any irrational, anxious, or self-defeating thoughts on one side of a piece of paper. On the opposite side, list any actual evidence that the thought is true.

    An example for me would be “I’m a weak person because I have anxiety.” To challenge that thought is easy—I can list 100 examples of how I am not weak, and have a hard time coming up with even one that proves my thought is true.

    Most of the time writing it down takes away the power of the thought and brings some clarity. If you do have a thought that’s true, figure out some steps you can take to address it. Put yourself back in control. Try it the next time anxiety visits and see if it shortens her stay.