Tiny Buddha

Tag: Anger

  • Why Forgiveness Doesn’t Work and How to Change That

    Why Forgiveness Doesn’t Work and How to Change That

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    Have you ever wondered why it’s so difficult to forgive others?

    We all know it feels better emotionally to let go of resentment and anger. We know that our minds are clearer and we function better when we’re not constantly yammering about that story of pain, betrayal, hurt, and humiliation. We even know that releasing all that junk is good for our physical health.

    But it’s still hard, isn’t it?

    As a doctor of psychology, I’ve learned that the amygdala, that part of our brains always on alert for threats to our survival, plays a large part in our resistance to letting go of negative feelings toward someone who has harmed us. But I think it’s more than that.

    I think that the traditional method of “forgiveness” we’ve been using just doesn’t work. It’s flawed.

    When I was younger and in my first marriage, my wife and I ran the typical “I’m sorry” process. We’d bicker and fight until one or the other of us would say, “I’m sorry.” Then the other of us would say, “I’m sorry, too”—and we really, really meant it!

    But within 10 days or 10 hours (or sometimes 10 minutes), we’d be back at it.

    What’s up with that? Our apologies were heartfelt. Neither of us enjoyed fighting. Yet…

    It wasn’t until I was more fully immersed in Huna, the indigenous spiritual path of the Hawaiian Islands, that I understood what true forgiveness is—and what was missing from those mutual, though very sincere, apologies.

    I learned the forgiveness process the ancient Hawaiians used, which is called ho`oponopono.

    The word pono has no good translation in English but it’s that feeling of congruency and calmness that we’ve all experienced at some point—that sense that everything feels right, like feeling so at peace with a person or situation that nothing needs to be said. That’s pono.

    Ho`oponopono means to become right with yourself and others, to become pono inside as well as outside. It implies a deeper level of connectedness.

    In other words, when you forgive others using ho`oponopono, you feel calm and clear about them. You are free to re-establish a relationship with them, or not, as your own discernment dictates. And you are totally cleansed of the junk—the resentment, anger, hurt—that previously clogged your system.

    Not the tight-lipped, “Okay, I can stand to be in the same room with you” type of forgiveness. Totally cleansed. Calm and clear. Free. (more…)

  • Forgive Yourself and Change Your Choices

    Forgive Yourself and Change Your Choices

    For almost four years I held onto a feeling that I had somehow done something wrong—that I hadn’t tried hard enough, that I had somehow failed my daughter.

    In May 2008 my daughter’s father had arrived home after staying out all night. He told me he no longer loved me, found me attractive, or even fancied me, and that at eight years younger than him I was “too old.”

    I was completely stunned.

    While our relationship had many of the usual flaws, we had never fought, and I’d believed him one month prior, after we bought a new home together, when he said he was the happiest he’d ever been in his 45 years.

    After the initial shock had worn off, I moved into a house with my daughter and I began to reflect back. I realized that for the previous eight years, I had in fact been living in some sort of cloud-cuckoo land.

    I realized I had overlooked many real issues that had existed between us because we had a child. I had worked full-time, putting our daughter in childcare, while he remained unemployed and “too depressed” to look after our girl, spending hour after hour laying on the sofa watching movies.

    I had never questioned how he went out, bought a sports car, two motorbikes, and a yacht after coming into some family money, while I continued to pay for all food, child care expenses, and household expenses.

    I suddenly realized all the “girl friends” he had and communicated with on a daily basis, via text and email, were in fact “girlfriends.”

    And then I got angry; in fact, I became wild.

    But I didn’t get angry with him; I turned that anger on myself. I hated who I had become.

    How had I allowed myself to be hoodwinked by this financial opportunist?

    This anger manifested in excessive spending. I racked up a lot of debt and I found myself feeling out of control. (more…)

  • The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive My Father

    The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive My Father

    “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

    I stood in front of my father, man to man, and demanded an apology. His long absence and lack of interest during my formative years had burned within me a resentment that wouldn’t quit. My therapist suggested that I confront him as one adult to another, so there I was.

    It didn’t go well. The more I pointed out his failures, the more defensive he got. The more I demanded an apology, the more he justified his actions. In his mind, he wasn’t to blame for the fact that I spent much of my childhood longing for the particular kind of bonding that only a loving father can provide.

    “It’s a simple apology!” I finally screamed. “That’s it. That is all I want. You weren’t around and you damn well should have been. I needed you. It’s not rocket science. Children need their parents. But you didn’t care about me, did you?”

    “Well, you are only alienating me further by the way you’re acting now,” he replied, offended.

    Maddening. I left that encounter with a splitting headache that lasted three days. What gives? How could he be so narcissistic? I returned to my therapist, Jake, to discuss the incident.

    “You confronted your father and really pushed him. I guess you needed to do that,” Jake said with a tone of respect. “Now, perhaps you can approach him in a different way, coming from a different place.”

    Forgiveness

    I agreed that Jake must be right, although it would be three years before I understood what that new approach might be. I knew I needed to forgive him, so I just kept trying. All of the prayers, affirmations, visualizations, and other work must have been helping, but I never experienced the true letting go of resentment that comes with actual forgiveness. It didn’t feel like a choice.

    The answer came from a client. She had come to me for help in dealing with her son and happened to tell me about an encounter she once had with a Buddhist monk. After angrily relating the sad tale of her childhood and the awful parenting she experienced, the monk simply stated the following:

    You are the wrongdoer now.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks. (more…)

  • Forgive and Set Yourself Free

    Forgive and Set Yourself Free

    “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

    We’ve all heard the saying “forgive and forget.”  It seems easy when you say it like that. The forgetting part can be daunting, though. I can say that when you let go, the memory dims. That’s a start.

    I didn’t understand the importance of forgiveness until I was in my mid-forties. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve forgiven people over the years. I just never understood how it related to my own well-being.

    Let’s face it, not forgiving someone for standing you up or forgetting a birthday isn’t going to weigh on you for years and inhibit a full life. Not forgiving a parent for abuses, real or imagined, can.

    As with most “aha” moments, we want to share our new found wisdom with everyone. A friend of mine understood what I had just discovered. She had been abused by her father.

    It took her years to let go of the anger. The hurt never really leaves, but the anger can keep you from truly living. The only way to move on is to forgive.

    She told me about her father-in-law, and how badly she wanted to share this wisdom with him. He is now in his 90’s and filled with anger. No matter how she tries, he won’t let it go. Let’s call him George. (more…)

  • 20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone

    20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone

    “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” ~Chinese proverb

    As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find there are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people-pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.

    Recently someone contacted me with a request that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment about my intentions and character, ending his email with “Buddha would be appalled.”

    As ironic as this may sound given the context of this site, I felt angry.

    I felt angry because I have always struggled with saying no, and this was exactly the type of uncomfortable encounter I generally aim to avoid.

    I felt angry because I felt misunderstood and judged, and I wanted him to realize that he was wrong about me.

    I felt angry because I assumed he intended to be hurtful, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that.

    I ended up responding to his email fairly quickly with a little bit of defensiveness, albeit with restraint. After I pressed send, I felt a little angry with myself for letting this bother me. Then I realized that this was a wonderful exercise in learning to deal with anger.

    It’s inevitable that I’ll feel that way again—and many times, with people I know well and love. We all will. We’ll all have lots of misunderstandings and annoyances, and lots of opportunities to practice responding to anger calmly and productively.

    If we’re mindful, we can use these situations to better ourselves and our relationships. (more…)

  • Dealing with Other People’s Road Rage & Letting Go of Anger

    Dealing with Other People’s Road Rage & Letting Go of Anger

    “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha

    It happens all the time…

    You’re driving, listening to music, just enjoying life and the feel of the road. Then a car roars past you and the driver promptly swerves and cuts you off, seemingly oblivious to anything but his own destination.

    Or, you come to a full stop at a stop sign and the driver behind you lays on the horn, impatient for you to get moving. Glancing in your rear view mirror, you see him flailing his arms and punching a raised fist at you behind his windshield.

    Nearly every time you hit the road you will see another driver do something either discourteous or even downright dangerous.

    Many times, you are the recipient of that behavior.

    If you are anything like I used to be, your first impulse will be to lay on the horn, shout a curse, or put pedal to the metal and try to pass the guy and then cut him off.

    Those of you who are less aggressive may at least find yourself wishing you’d come around the next bend and see the guy’s car off the road with a flat tire—or, better yet, see the bright flashing lights of a police cruiser whose uniformed driver has pulled your new worst enemy over.

    It’s so easy to get angry. Not so easy to let it go. (more…)

  • Let Go of Negative Feelings: 3 Ways to Watch Them Disappear

    Let Go of Negative Feelings: 3 Ways to Watch Them Disappear

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong–sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    I’m the divorced mother of two teenage girls. Holidays are split; the girls have Thanksgiving with their dad and Christmas with me on even-numbered years, and vice versa on odd number years. It’s hard on all of us, but it has been especially hard on me this year.

    This year I had Thanksgiving with my girls the weekend before Thanksgiving and asked if they wanted come over on Black Friday to set up the Christmas tree, as was the tradition before. They said sure.

    I called them about ten that morning to find out when they’d be ready for me to pick them up. Well, they forgot and made plans with their grandmother to go shopping. I was devastated and in tears. So many emotions were ripping my heart apart. (more…)

  • 9 Ways to Cope When Bad Things Happen

    9 Ways to Cope When Bad Things Happen

    Light Rain

    “We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

    Have you ever experienced times when you go through just one bad thing after another? When it seems like the world is out to get you? When things go wrong no matter what you do?

    You are not alone. Bad things happen to all of us too, including me. I experienced a small set back recently which I want to share with you.

    Not too long ago, I was working on my upcoming eBook. It was my #1 priority project at that time and I had been working on it tirelessly, day and night. After lots of hard work, I was 90% done. At that time, it was 630 pages. (The final book was almost 800 pages.)

    I was happy with the progress. Cover done, foreword written, articles in place, right order, formatting done, layout completed—it was on track to launch in a week’s time. (more…)

  • How to Forgive Someone When It’s Hard: 30 Tips to Let Go of Anger

    How to Forgive Someone When It’s Hard: 30 Tips to Let Go of Anger

    “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    Up until my early twenties, I carried around a lot of anger toward someone in my life. I’d been hurt by a person I trusted, and for a long time in my adolescence I wanted to hurt them back.

    I lived in painful stories and in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day.

    I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.

    It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage.

    Then I realized, unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.

    No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.

    After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions.

    And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused.

    So how do you forgive someone when every fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice? (more…)

  • Punished By Anger

    Punished By Anger

    “You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha

    I went camping recently, something that I was really looking forward to, but I didn’t last long. Due to health conditions, my friend and I had to abandon camp at three in the morning because the cold got to me in a big way.

    This awful experience has left me feeling dejected and rather ashamed of myself. Who the hell can’t manage a couple of nights camping? I’m being too hard on myself, but the point is I’m feeling angry.

    You know what that whole anger thing is like:

    Your kid goes over the other side of town with friends when you’ve asked them not to because you don’t want them to get hurt. Your sister borrows your favorite top and spills wine down it, then hides it back in your wardrobe. Your best friend nails that promotion after saying she wouldn’t apply because she knew you were desperate for it.

    There are countless situations in our lives that can give rise to anger. It’s up to us to recognize them and do something about it before it gets out of hand.

    I admit it: I am an angry person. How angry you ask? (more…)