Tiny Buddha

Tag: Anger

  • Release Your Anger by Choosing to Lose

    Release Your Anger by Choosing to Lose

    Surrender

    “Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Miller

    I was quietly watching a documentary with my wife when the phone rang. An icy voice informed me that I was supposed to be at work at 6:00; it was already 7:00 PM. It was my boss.

    Great, that’s all I needed—an unexpected night shift with a resented supervisor.

    In my worst mood, I jumped in my pants at quantum speed and then ran toward the train station on the other side of the street.

    Although the road seemed clear, a car was approaching and the driver didn’t see me. Blame it on the text-and-drive trend. Things went in slow motion, the car wasn’t going to stop, and I was right in front of it. I heard a screeching noise.

    The driver, a guy in his thirties, had managed to stop just in time. His face was livid with shock, and he apologized as much as a man’s pride can decently allow it. But adrenaline had gotten me too furious to listen, and there I was, cursing the hell out of a dude I didn’t even know, very close to starting a fight.

    Sometimes you wonder where so many years of meditation have gone…

    Fortunately, I woke up to my senses. My rational brain got back in control; what was I going to do anyway? The poor guy had apologized, I didn’t get hurt, and no real harm had been done. I decided to give up and let him go.

    Now I was alone in the street. Alone, late for work, and still mad. And I only had thirty minutes to blow off steam before starting my shift. It was time to recall what I had learned about stress reduction. 

    I’d like to share the mindfulness tricks that I used that day to recover from this short burst of insanity. I hope they inspire those among you who unleash the dogs of anger a little too quickly, like me.

    Ground yourself.

    When angry, stop whatever you’re doing and fully open up to your sensations. Give yourself a minute to experience the physical buzz of anger—shaking hands, cold sweat, racing heart. Breathe deeply and bring your awareness down to each part of your body.

    Don’t worry too much if you experience confusion; meeting face to face with the brutality of anger is confusing. The first seconds of doing this exercise will be awkward, yet you’ll regain balance faster than usual.

    Learning to reconnect mind and body is the simplest way to pacify yourself. If you train that skill often enough, it becomes a sane instinct that brings you back to normal quickly.

    Watch the mental firework.

    Anger is a red comet leaving a trail of resentful thoughts. It often stirs up your own habitual rumination, and it’s easy to let it carry you away. Just remember that mental agitation is totally harmless as long as you don’t follow it.

    Let thoughts go, don’t engage in the “How could he be so…?” or “I should have told him…” type of thoughts. The chatter can happen without you, in freewheeling mode.

    Inner peace is not so much a matter of keeping your mind quiet; it’s about how comfortable you become with your own thoughts, regardless of how inappropriate they sound.

    Witness the show anger is giving and let it vanish slowly. Once again, it can’t harm you if you don’t take part in it.

    Offer a little compassion.

    The Buddha said that compassion is the best antidote against anger, but ideally you want to verify that claim for yourself. Your own experience will speak louder than a teaching given centuries ago.

    When you’re upset, practicing compassion means having the curiosity to watch your pain and the pain of those who made you angry.

    In my case, it was easy to relate to the distress of someone who almost ran over a pedestrian, even if I was the pedestrian.

    To put it simply: slip your feet in the other person’s shoes and imagine how it feels to be in their position. It’s probably the best way to dissolve hard feelings.

    Win by losing.

    While we’re often advised to be “stronger than that,” the macho approach doesn’t work too well with anger.

    Actually, anger intensifies when you try to dominate it. Your attempts at fighting aversion will strengthen it, so let it be.

    And when I say let it be, I mean decide to lose the battle, surrender. It sounds obvious, but the key to serenity is to stop the struggle—including the struggle to feel peaceful.

    I guess I should have started with that last piece of advice when scolding a car driver, on a nasty day. I’ll try to remember my own advice next time.

    Photo by Minoru Nitta

  • 4 Steps to Process Your Emotions So They Don’t Zap Your Energy

    4 Steps to Process Your Emotions So They Don’t Zap Your Energy

    Smiling Buddha

    “Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

    I felt zapped. Depleted. Drained. Out of gas. And I wasn’t sure why.

    • Enough sleep? Check.
    • Enough exercise? Check.
    • Enough nutritious food and vitamins? Check.
    • Health check-ups and tests up to date? Check and check.
    • Reasonable schedule? Check.

    I thought I felt this way because I’d recently had surgery to remove a sizeable tumor.

    But that had gone smoothly, and I was fully recovered and back to my regular schedule.

    However, there was one thing that I noticed since the surgery: I was angry and couldn’t seem to shake it. I don’t think I realized the grip it had on me until I started trying to figure out the source of my low energy.

    I began to wonder if my anger and inability to let go of it could be the cause. I also wondered why I was so angry when the surgery and recovery had gone so well. I should have been happy that the tumor was benign.

    I was in it, but not necessarily conscious of it and not realizing what it was doing to me. The best way to describe it would be an automatic emotional reaction coupled with a lack of awareness.

    I had been zapped by my emotions!

    How we manage and deal with our emotions affects our energy big time.

    Here are four steps to process your emotions so they don’t zap your energy.

    1. Be mindful and consciously aware of your emotions.

    Before we can manage anything, we need to be aware of it instead of acting on autopilot. Awareness puts us in the driver’s seat and allows us to not only engage in the experience, but also decide how we want to respond to it. In this case, we need to realize how the energy of our emotions affects us.

    I noticed that I had been low in energy, and by the process of elimination and observing my behavior, I realized I had been stuck in anger. I had been irritable, argumentative, and overreacting to the smallest things. Once I had observed my behavior, I acknowledged that anger was becoming my main emotional state.

    The next time you catch yourself in an emotional experience, try to notice your behavior and identify the feeling behind it. This will give you insight and a new ability to manage it.

    2. Identify what thoughts are triggering the emotions. 

    Once you’ve observed your behavior and identified the emotion that’s zapping your energy, you need to see what thoughts may be triggering it.

    After I identified that I was stuck in anger, I kept thinking about the surgery and the events that led up to it. I had felt pain in my abdomen, so I went to the doctor and told her this.

    She did a regular check-up and said there was nothing wrong. I was relieved to hear this, and went home and didn’t give it another thought—until I started feeling pain again.

    I went back and told her that I felt pain and I was sure there was something wrong. It was a very strong intuitive feeling. This time she did a quick check and said, once again, “There is nothing wrong with you.”

    I questioned her about the pain, but she rolled her eyes and said, “Ignore it. At a certain age everything starts to hurt.”

    I asked if I should get a test or an ultrasound, but she said it wasn’t necessary, so, despite my intuition, I went home.

    A few days later, I was in pain again and began to think it was my imagination, because a doctor that I trusted said, “Don’t worry; nothing is wrong.”

    My intuition kept telling me I needed to get a second opinion. So I went to another doctor who immediately sent me for a test and quickly scheduled me for surgery after having found a tumor.

    Having gone back through the events, I realized that the few days before the surgery I was livid about what had happened. What if it was cancer? I let precious months slip by because I didn’t listen to my intuition.

    After the surgery, I was so focused on recovering that I guess I just put it out of my mind. After I recovered, the anger set in again, but it wasn’t until I started searching for the cause of my low energy that it started to make sense.

    The thoughts running through my mind post-surgery were: Why didn’t she take me seriously?  How dare she blow me off like that? Why didn’t I challenge her and insist on a test? All these thoughts were triggering anger. I was stuck in it, but not aware enough to figure it all out.

    Always try to connect your thoughts to the emotion you’re expressing. In recognizing the thoughts, you’re able to address them to move through the emotion.

    3. Lean into the emotion and learn from it.

    When we suppress our emotions, we send that energy underground, with toxic effects.

    Don’t suppress your emotions, but also don’t get caught in the energy of them. When we let our emotions hijack us, it’s like we’re on a runaway train. We are not in control. We may get addicted to the surge of emotion and get stuck in it.

    This is what happened to me when I was angry after my surgery; my emotion dictated my behavior, which depleted my energy. When I acknowledged what was happening and leaned into the emotion, I was able to identify the problem instead of just suppressing it.

    When we lean into an emotion, we can learn from it.

    4. Respond proactively to the emotion and transition from it.

    When an emotion lingers, we don’t have to get stuck in it.

    Now when I feel a powerful surge of emotion that I think will hijack my energy and time, I take a deep breath. I then visualize a simple picture with the cause, the emotion I’m feeling, and the action I can take to shift out of it and deal with what caused my reaction.

    For example, if something makes me angry, I visualize anger in a red circle with an arrow pointing to what caused it and another arrow pointing to the releasing action.

    The releasing action usually has two parts: The first part deals with the energy shift. For example, if I’m angry about something, I absolutely have to fit in some form of exercise as soon as possible. Even if I don’t have time and it’s just twenty sit-ups or a quick walk. This releases the energy in a healthy way and clears my mind.

    The second part deals with the cause and what action I can take to address it. In this instance, I promised myself I would always be my own advocate and insist on a test if I feel it is necessary.

    Make this process a habit and it will have a great effect on your energy, happiness, and productivity.

    You can only manage your emotions to the extent that you’re aware of them. Creating awareness gives you the chance to maximize and manage your experience. And by doing so, you can avoid getting stuck and depleting your most valuable resource: energy!

    Have you ever felt like your energy was zapped by your emotions? What helped you move past it?

    Photo by AlexanderStein

  • 5 Steps to Learn from Anger

    5 Steps to Learn from Anger

    Anger

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    How do you feel about anger? Growing up, I always felt that anger was “bad.” In school and at home I learned that anger made people do “bad” things, and anger was a source of “evil” in the world.

    I didn’t want any part of that! So, when things happened that made me angry (for example, getting bullied at school), I’d ignore the feelings of anger until they “went away.” I’d go home and cry, feeling these emotions build up inside of my body.

    It felt like I would explode. And I’d sit there, trying to breathe, praying for the wave of anger to pass. Eventually my headache would go away, and I’d be able to breathe easily, but the feelings never quite left my body.

    What I didn’t know then was that those feelings would later transform into deeper feelings of anger and resentment.

    Later, as a young professional, I found that those feelings of resentment turned into paralyzing beliefs and actions that held me back from my deeper calling. I would take the bus or the subway and find myself getting angry if the person next to me was breathing too heavily, or glanced at me.

    I interpreted constructive criticism on the job as personal insults, and I would leave interactions with co-workers feeling angry, frustrated, and hurt.

    When I finally had an emotional breakdown and accessed that anger, I was afraid that it would consume me. What actually happened: I used those feelings of anger as a teacher and means of transforming my life.

    I use these steps to process anger whenever I feel it come up in my body, and I repeat as often as necessary.

    1. Acknowledge it.

    I think about my feelings of anger as being a child who is acting out. That child could be hurt, sad, frustrated. or lonely, but right now anger is the only way it knows how to express those deeper emotions.

    If not acknowledged, short term frustration could lead to long term resentment, with physical effects like tight muscles, insomnia, headaches, and bloating. (I experienced all of these!)

    If something recent has happened, allow yourself to be angry for a set amount of time (15 minutes is usually enough). Yell, punch a pillow, call a trusted friend and vent, or listen to some music that may help you access that emotion.

    2. Understand it.

    If you let it, anger can be one of your greatest teachers. That pure emotion can be a connection to our soul’s deepest desires, and understanding the anger can be the key to moving past it and creating meaningful change in your life.

    Get silent for a few minutes, and have a conversation with that anger. It could be as simple as “What are you here to show me?” or “What am I truly upset about—what is my deeper desire?” The process of questioning the feelings (without judging them) creates space for deeper emotions to come forth.

    3. Move through it.

    It’s important to take action on anger in ways that promote your growth.

    For example, if a stranger was rude to you, you can acknowledge that the stranger’s actions were based on whatever they were dealing with, and had little to do with you. If a family member, co-worker, or friend is constantly irritating you, is there a boundary that you can set? Can you limit your interactions with that person?

    Creating action steps around anger is essential because it puts you back in control of your emotions. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we react.

    4. Monitor it.

    Take a step back for a moment. How often do you get angry? Is your anger directed at a specific person, or are there specific situations that get you angry? If so, it may be time to set a boundary.

    It is normal and healthy to have some non-negotiables in your life—things that you will not tolerate. If you don’t like people touching your hair without asking, let them know. If there are events (for example, family gatherings) that are a source of your anger, limit them.

    You have the option to decline those events. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you; make sure you set clear guidelines around what you will and will not accept.

    5. Be grateful for it.

    You can never truly let go of something unless you do so with love. Love in this sense doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to be best friends with someone who caused you pain, but it does mean accepting the experience, focusing on the positive, and leaving the rest behind.

    One of the easiest ways to connect with love is to express gratitude. When it comes to anger, expressing gratitude can be one of the fastest ways to push the anger out of your system while honoring it.

    If you have a difficult co-worker, or parents that may not fully support your dreams, take some time and be thankful for what they represent in your life. It could be that these challenging individuals have helped you to develop the strength, confidence, and determination to continue on your path.

    As I incorporated these steps into my life and started teaching them to my patients, I started to have a much deeper appreciation for anger.

    All of our emotions—like fear, anger, sadness, and joy—can be valuable teachers along our path, showing us what we truly desire and illuminating our path to further personal development.

    Photo by RenaudPhoto

  • How Anger Leads to Anxiety and What to Do About It

    How Anger Leads to Anxiety and What to Do About It

    Calm

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

    I have a confession: I’m mildly obsessed with anger.

    Not the negative feelings, the volatile outbursts, or the fly-off-the-handle reactions, but rather how humans express anger.

    I’ve largely made my living by dealing with various states of anger. More on that in a bit…

    Years ago I was shopping at a bookstore with my friend Alex. We were first time parents with toddlers at home.

    The idea was to find resources on how to raise emotionally healthy children and how to avoid the parenting mishaps we witnessed too often at work.

    As school social workers, we provided family counseling to young children and wayward teens in the inner city.

    As Alex obsessively scoured the aisles for the latest research-based writings on emotional intelligence, my eyes gravitated toward an entirely different topic.

    The black, matte-textured book with the blood red title practically screamed at me: Hatred: The Psychological Descent into Violence.

    I devoured it that night.

    It’s not that I didn’t want my kid to learn to soothe himself when upset, to resist peer pressure, or to misread social cues. But in that moment I felt a stronger pull.

    Part of the fascination stems from my ancestry; I’m half-Italian and half-Irish. A DNA hotbed, if you will.

    Meals were eventful. When I would lose my cool at the dinner table, my dad would wildly gesticulate in my mom’s direction. She, in turn, would shrug and reply “It’s The Fighting Irish in her, I suppose.”

    Additionally, I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety issues—generalized, panic, and social anxiety disorders.

    Do you want to know the quickest way to get a handle on your anxiety? Get ahold of your anger.

    I realize this may sound counter-intuitive. After all, we don’t normally associate anxious people with bad tempers and loud voices.

    The anger management connection is not exactly linear.

    It takes courage to express anger—to stand up for yourself and your values, which sometimes includes taking an unpopular stance.

    Bravery is valiant, strong, and admirable, while anxiety is cowardly, weak, and anything but enviable.

    Because many anxious people have a problem asserting themselves, feelings of helplessness, avoidance, and frustration take residence.

    Compounding the issue is the fear that if you express anger, you might lose control.

    And since many anxious individuals are people-pleasers and caretakers, these feelings are especially unwanted.

    But feelings go somewhere.

    And typically, when you take on too much responsibility, you inevitably feel exhausted, taken advantage of, and angry.

    If you don’t have a firm grasp on your anger responses, you’re going to hold it in until it explodes, or you’re going to yell, scream, stomp your feet, and possibly say and do things you regret.

    Then comes the guilt. And next, the overwhelming urge to fix the situation. And before you know it, the cycle repeats itself again.

    All the while, you’re wasting precious emotional energy that could be better used on enjoyable tasks.

    The good news is there’s strategies you can do today to help you feel more calm.

    I included five common ways I help us go from anxiety to zen below:

    1. List the places in your body where you feel anger.

    Is it in your chest? What happens to your heart rate? How does your stomach feel?

    It’s important to recognize the physical cues of anger in order to alert youself that it’s time to calm down.

    2. Visualize different behavioral responses. How do you react when you feel angry?

    Do you scream, tantrum, throw things, bottle it inside, or pretend that everything is fine?

    Write down three different reactions you will do instead, such as:

    Calmly assert your needs, deep breathing, count to ten, walk away rather than stick around for a fight, and close your eyes to reduce visual stimulation, etc.

    3. Make friends with the word “no.”

    Many nice people have a hard time with this one. The association with conflict makes us feel mean, insensitive, or too direct.

    Know that “no” means you respect yourself, your time, and your values. Practice saying it in the mirror until it sounds deliberate and natural.

    4. Ask yourself if you value expressing anger over getting along with others.

    It’s a fact that some people enjoy the adrenaline rush of letting go and projecting their uncomfortable feelings onto others.

    Recognize that the short-term feelings of power are no match for the sleeplessness, headaches, and despair, which endure long after the “anger high” wears off.

    5. Think about the last time you got angry. How did you go from anger to a calmer place?

    You’re probably really good at getting angry already, so let’s focus on the other side. Be specific. What behaviors did you call upon to get to zen?

    This will reinforce your coping strategies, and it will serve as a reminder to focus on solutions rather than stewing in anger.

    The more you practice reacting in positive ways, waiting until the anger subsides, and considering your options, the more skilled you will become at managing anger.

    It’s possible that your body is wired to be more anxiety-sensitive, and you’ll have to work harder than others to calm yourself. And that’s okay.

    These are temporary solutions, and you’ll still need to control the anxiety itself. But they’ll get you started in learning to respond with more awareness, and less emotion.

    You’re the expert on your life. And you get to choose how much anger to allow in your heart, mind, and body every day.

    With intentional focus on doing things differently, you can feel more calm, confident, and in control.

    Photo by skyseeker

  • Forgiving the Unforgivable and Ending Your Own Suffering

    Forgiving the Unforgivable and Ending Your Own Suffering

    Man Thinking

    “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Malachy McCourtro

    I was completely unprepared for the emotional hailstorm that bombarded me when, back in 2001, I learned that my wife had been having an affair with my best friend of twenty-plus years.

    My normal, predictable life (which I absolutely loved, by the way) had been virtually shattered overnight. Not only did it culminate in a very bitter war (see: divorce), it also marked the onset of a toxic poison that had begun to work its way into my veins: resentment.

    It began with crippling depression—depression so bad that I no longer had the appetite to eat or a desire to care for myself. I spent untold hours (and days) under the protective shield of a comforter in bed, drifting into a slumber of numbness. Sleeping meant that I didn’t have to feel.

    And with an empty house now all to myself, I made a decision to lock the front door and refuse to answer it for anyone.

    Having just had a proverbial knife twisted into my spine by the two people I loved and trusted the most, what good could come from anyone knocking on the door with a smile on their face? People hid vicious claws behind their backs, and I refused to be stuck with them again.

    Signs Of Life

    Then, suddenly but slowly, I began to crawl back to life. I spent less time in bed, began to eat on occasion, and even reached out to talk to family. Calling around to local churches, I learned about a divorce support group that met on Wednesdays, and forced myself to attend.

    The people at this group, mostly other men, served to reassure me that I wasn’t the only one facing the frightening task of putting a broken life back together.

    And even though I cried my way through the first few meetings, a footprint for recovery began to take shape. But the poison of resentment was an entirely different monster—one that would take me a full decade to exorcize.

    Sentenced To Suffer

    Despite acquiring a new set of coping skills, I began to suffer through obsessive thoughts about the affair between my ex-wife and ex-best friend. I tortured myself with the painful details of their intimacy, imagining it over and over again throughout the day.

    And when I slept at night, my mental participation was no longer even required—those obsessive thoughts became a box of terrifying toys that came out to play on their own.

    In my paralyzing condition, I came to believe that having an apology from the both of them was the only way to exhale. But neither of them had any intention of doing so. The affair had already been going on for so long before I discovered it that they could never rightly offer any explanation of value—and therefore, never did.

    So much for exhaling.

    After a whopping ten years of this sort of self-inflicted torture—long after my divorce had been finalized—I realized it was well overdue that I look inward for the answer. No one was going to offer the apology I wanted or felt entitled to.

    I could either choose to forgive regardless, or continue in the pattern of resentment and anger that swallowed my current quality of life.

    Making A Decision To Forgive

    I chose to forgive. To let go, and to recognize the past as a dead era I’d never be able to change.

    Forgiving is a hard thing to do when you feel like the recipient is undeserving—even more so when they have no clear intention of ever apologizing. You’d rather they feel the full weight of your hurt and pain, that they suffer as you suffered, and come to know the same meaning of anguish and sorrow that you have.

    But in refusing to forgive, we wrongly assume that we are dealing out due punishment to a deserving party—neglecting to see the poison we’ve sentenced ourselves to continue ingesting.

    The Weight Of A Grudge

    Refusing to forgive can sometimes become so paramount to our existence that we let it define our life. It reflects in our language, in the stories we tell people, and in our attitudes. And since the pain is familiar, we bask in it, subconsciously teaching ourselves to see the negative in everyone.

    We miss the opportunity to form relationships and build healthy bridges with people under the faulty logic that, since one person hurt us, they’re all out to hurt us.

    Research shows that psychological stress accumulated over a period of years begins to settle as physical pain in the body—pain we can literally feel taking a toll on our well-being. Mindful meditation has worked wonders in alleviating that burden for me since I chose to forgive.

    The final stage of forgiveness, at least for me, was to pray for the people who had wronged me—and I find myself doing so a lot, whenever old feelings start to surface. I pray for their health and happiness in a sort of radical act of kindness—a spiritual adoption, if you will.

    Forgiving is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself, since with it came freedom and the permission to move on and enjoy what life has to offer in the present moment. A shackle has been removed from my ankle, and I’m free to move about now.

    I was, after all, the only person who could ever remove it to begin with.

    Photo by Will Foster

  • How My Anger Led Me to Forgiveness and Peace

    How My Anger Led Me to Forgiveness and Peace

    “Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Duer Miller

    As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a relative, I had become accustomed to keeping secrets. Silence, I was taught, was a good thing. It protected people that I loved.

    So for over a decade, I carried the dark and overbearing weight of my past in secrecy and in silence, believing I was the only one in the world who’d ever experienced such abuse—until I learned from a college workshop that one in four women and one in five men fall victim to sexual abuse by the time they are eighteen.

    Shocked and convicted, a surge of emotions overwhelmed me.

    Later, for the first time, I was able to share my secret with my mother. She was devastated and we cried, but the conversation ended on a peculiar note: “You can’t ever tell your dad,” she said, “because it will destroy him.”

    It felt as if I’d finally surfaced for air after drowning my entire life, and now I was being pushed back underwater, but sadly I accepted it. As aforementioned, silence was a good thing, wasn’t it? It protected people that I loved.

    The seven years that followed proved to be the most tumultuous of my life. I battled suicidal ideation, clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, plummeting self-esteem, immeasurable anger and resentment, and the take-home prize of the millennia: unforgiveness.

    I was a highly-trained victim at this point, putting on an Oscar-worthy performance.

    And then one day, I’d had enough. I did what I’d always wanted to do: I got angry!

    Now before you take a baseball bat to your ex’s four-by-four, I’m not talking about the type of anger that features fist fights and flying chairs on daytime talk shows. This type of anger is a process through which you can access the power and peace that can only come from forgiveness.

    There are four steps I have experienced in this process:

    1. Give yourself permission to get angry.

    I was accustomed, as I’ve emphasized, to the golden rule of “silence.” Skeletons were better left in the closet, I thought. Unfortunately, mixed with my already existent people-pleasing ways, this was a recipe for disaster.

    In my journey toward esteeming others above myself, as many of the world’s wisest sages have taught, I inadvertently evolved into a doormat. Talk about regressive Darwinism!

    I wanted to be a good person, and so when I felt anger, resentment, and unforgiveness, I beat myself up over it. I truly believed that I was a horrible person for being angry over what had happened to me. Further, I didn’t want to be the “villain” in others’ eyes or the black sheep in the family who just couldn’t let go of the past.

    But at long last, I finally gave myself permission to feel that anger to the fullest. I gave myself permission to own my anger, and in doing so, I validated myself. I acknowledged that I wasn’t an unfeeling robot or a mindless drone—I was a flesh-and-blood human being with a deep spiritual wound that deserved proper treatment.

    I allowed myself to acknowledge that I was in pain, that it didn’t feel good, and that I was angry about it. As such, a process could then—and only then—begin. I could now travel into the deepest and darkest parts of my soul and bring light to those forgotten caverns.

    2. Share your story.

    There was a time when I believed I would never share my story with a single soul. I could’ve never imagined those long years ago how untrue that would become.

    Every time I share my story, I feel more and more powerful. I’m no longer a victim—I’m a survivor! Sharing your story is not about incriminating the wrongdoer. It’s about validating yourself, owning your experience, and committing to living your best life.

    There may be someone reading this right now who has never shared the life story that’s so burning inside their heart. Whether it’s writing down the story in your personal journal or finally telling a trusted, long-time friend, take this bold step forward. You will feel freedom like never before.

    Your story is nothing to be ashamed about. Come forth from that dark corner into the light. The weight feels lighter with every word you speak, and the story will become easier to share with each telling.

    I believe that if more people realized how liberating it feels to finally share their story, more people would in turn experience the love, freedom, and peace that they so desire and so deserve.

    3. Seek support and wisdom.

    Dealing with anger while bearing the goal of forgiveness in mind requires a life support team. You need to surround yourself with loving people who care about your personal growth and want the best for you.

    And while these people will support your need to validate yourself and feel angry, they mustn’t be people who will talk you out of forgiveness. Instead, ensure that your life support team is stocked with people who understand the power and love that comes from forgiveness and why it’s vital to your permanent joy.

    These people should also be able to ensure that you don’t act out on your anger. Getting angry doesn’t mean treating people unkindly and it’s not a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for nasty behavior and cruel words.

    You’re not excused from characterizing love just because you’re wounded. Trust me: you don’t want to live like that anyway. I can personally attest that it will only leave you feeling more deflated and defeated.

    Whether it’s friends or professional help, your support will be a safe space where you can share your struggles, open yourself up to the insight and guidance of others, and apply their suggestions to your life toward more positive and empowered living.

    4. Have the conversation.

    Once you have progressed through the above steps, there will come a time when you will want to have “the conversation” with the person who has hurt you. If you’re like me, you might be shaking your head, declaring that it won’t happen. I thought the same—until it did.

    And when it did, fists didn’t fly. Neither did chairs.

    Because I’d journeyed through the previous steps, I was able to come from a place of perfect peace. I was in control of my emotions. And I was able to lovingly explain to this individual how they had hurt me, how it had made me feel, and why I therefore struggled with extending forgiveness.

    Six months later, the process came around full circle and I was finally—finally—able to let go of the past and forgive. This didn’t mean forgetting about what happened. It meant reclaiming my life and deciding that the past wasn’t going to have any control of my happiness or my future.

    All because I’d made the choice to stop denying my anger and instead face it head on.

    What about you? Has denying anger kept you from moving toward forgiveness and peace? Try the four steps above. Go ahead, get angry (constructively)! Freedom’s waiting on the other side.

  • When Everything Goes Wrong: Getting Through One of Those Days

    When Everything Goes Wrong: Getting Through One of Those Days

    Stressed

    “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

    Sometimes you just have one of those days, where things happen to you over and over again, as if someone up above is testing to see if you really want to have a good day. Unfortunately, 95% of us give in and decide that it’s just going to be one of those days.

    What if one of those days really meant the happiest day of your life, despite the fact unfortunate events temporarily plague your existence?

    A few weeks ago, a highway patrolman took pity on me because I was having one of those days.

    It all started with a trip to the accountant. After spending a decent amount of time procrastinating on finding an accountant to dive into my complex taxes (freelancer, two businesses, consultant, full-time job, multi-state), I was finally behind the wheel hopeful for a decent return as I drove myself to a small town an hour away because of a terrific referral from a friend.

    Rushed as normal due to an extended, discipline-extinct session on Facebook, I didn’t notice that the address I entered into GPS was not actually where I wanted to go.

    (Note: Whenever dealing with directional streets, make sure your GPS doesn’t drop the actual name of the street and decide to take you to 109 West Street instead of 109 West Main.)

    Because I was listening to a business podcast, trying to multitask instead of wasting precious time in my day, I didn’t notice my final destination was a dirt road in the middle of a ranch until I actually arrived there. Now I was lost and very late.

    I called the accountant’s office for directions, mad at myself for not realizing earlier that something was not right. Because I had no idea where I was, the accountant’s office couldn’t tell me where to go. I begrudgingly re-trusted my GPS, extra careful to double-check that the directions were taking me to the real address.

    Operating with a faint trace of panic in the pit of my stomach, I pulled back out onto the highway from the dirt road, only to find myself in between an oversized truck and his escort car.

    The truck driver was not pleased that I broke his chain, and passed me a little too zealously. While I don’t think he intended to run me off the road, he did lack a basic understanding of how oversized his load actually was and off the road I went to save my car (and my life) from damage.

    Slightly annoyed, I pulled back onto the road, knowing I would now be a little later than I already was—except this time I was in between the oversized truck and his exterior escort. Not wanting to be a part of this relationship any longer, I decided to pass all of them. At 85 mph…on a 75mph highway.

    Enter the state patrol. At this point, I laughed. I really just wanted to get my taxes prepared; I wasn’t expecting getting lost on a dirt road in the middle of a ranch, getting run off the road by a wide-load truck, and getting pulled over by the highway patrol. It gets better.

    Obviously unhappy, the highway patrolman brusquely let me know that I was breaking the law and he would have none of that on his watch.

    He requested my driver’s license as standard procedure. As I rummaged through my oversized purse, I tried to explain that I was lost, late, and had just been run off the road by that wide-load truck in front of us, and I was just trying to get out of the way. My wallet was missing.

    With a smile, I politely informed the patrolmen that I didn’t have my driver’s license. It was at this point that he chalked up the events of the previous hour to one of those days.

    I nodded and proceeded to produce every form of document I had to help him find me in their “system.”

    We eventually found it, though it took a good ten minutes (hint: provide your full name, including middle initial if you’re ever in a situation where a police officer needs to find you in his “system”).

    I luckily got off with a warning, and went on my way. Miraculously, I arrived at the accountant’s office only thirty minutes late for my appointment.

    The meeting was easy because my rudimentary organization for filing my income and expenses was apparently all that the accountant needed. In less than fifteen minutes I was headed home.

    It was at this point that I realized how nutty the past hour and a half had been. It was only 11:00am. I had a full day ahead of me. It’s also at this moment when 95% of the population would have chosen to let these events define their day. I had too much to accomplish to let that happen.

    The secret to making it out of those days with a sense of peace and calm? A sense of humor, deep breaths, and an appreciation for the story.

    The thing is, I was able to understand that I am not my stories. I have good ones, but they don’t define me. They make others laugh and they make great blog posts and Facebook fodder, but they do not define me. I am more than my stories, my body, and my mind. I am better than that.

    Give yourself more power than your stories. Rewrite them, edit them, trash them, and rearrange the plot. Allow what comes to come as it may, and then take what works and let go of the rest.

    My story is a battle scar, but I cleansed my mind to allow the wound to heal quickly. I didn’t hold on, hold grudges, or hold back. I experienced it all—the panic, the fear, the laughter, the despair. And I moved on.

    The rest of my day was not bad at all, but it was funny to watch the reactions on Facebook. To the commenter who observed, “What a day,” I simply replied, “That was only the morning.”

    Don’t be so quick to bundle your unfortunate moments with your entire day. Think of all the moments you’re missing out on if you pre-assign them to the same fortune that found you in the past.

    P.S. It was worth it. My tax return will pay for a plane ticket to Europe!

    Photo by andronicusmax

  • 4 Questions to Turn Your Anger Around and Forgive

    4 Questions to Turn Your Anger Around and Forgive

    Talking

    “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

    For a long time, I had a stressful relationship with my dad. We had a falling out after I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. He didn’t understand what I was going through in regards to eating and body image, and I tried to push him out, so we stopped talking.

    Somewhere inside of me, I had built up anger that was directed at him and I just couldn’t bring myself to forgive him or let go. And he was just clueless, not knowing what was wrong with me and why I didn’t like him, so he stopped trying, too.

    Before I knew it, it had been almost a year without saying anything to each other, and I was heading off to college. I was still angry inside until my mom gave me a book called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. Everything changed after that.

    Not overnight, but slowly things began to improve between my dad and me.

    The book has to do with four simple questions that you ask yourself about a thought or emotion you are experiencing.

    Because I felt like my dad had distanced himself from my problems, and believed that he loved my brother more than me, I had thoughts like, “He doesn’t love me,” and “I’m never enough for him,” so I worked on these thoughts with what Byron Katie calls “The Work.”

    I took the thought “I am never good enough for him,” and put it up against the four questions.

    1. Is it true?

    Is it true that I am never good enough for my dad? Yes.

    2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?

    Can I absolutely know that I am never good enough for my dad? No.

    3. How do you feel when you think this thought?

    When I think that I’m not good enough for my dad, I feel angry and sad. I become defensive and hot.

    4. Who would you be without this thought?

    Without the thought that I am never good enough for him, I would be calm, relaxed, and not so upset. My relationship with my dad would improve and I wouldn’t worry so much about his approval.

    The next step is to turn the thought around. Here are my turnarounds with examples as to why these are true for me.

    • My dad is never good enough for me because I am constantly judging him.
    • I am good enough for my dad because he does show he is proud of me.
    • I am not good enough for myself because I do not approve of who I am.

    After doing this work on my thoughts about my dad, I began to see things differently. My eyes started to open to things I haven’t seen before.

    If I wanted my dad to approve of me and accept me for who I was, I first had to approve and accept him as he was.

    When I turned around my thought, even though it was hard to realize, I saw that my behavior toward my dad was the problem, not him. I failed to remember that he was just doing what he knew how to do; he was trying his best. It was me who needed to approve of myself, not my Dad.

    Forgiveness had never come easy to me. I always felt as though I was the one who deserved the forgiving, but something changed the day I read this book. I forgave my dad. I forgave him and accepted him, and in turn, I accepted myself.

    I gave my dad what I wanted from him and our relationship turned around. I gave myself what I wanted from him and I turned myself around.

    The Work can be helpful for every thought you have or problem you are facing, as it allows you to look at your life and yourself in a new light. I understand that sometimes it can be painful questioning your thoughts, especially ones that have been with you for a long time, and it’s not an overnight process.

    Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep over my responses or want to tear the page apart because there was no way I could forgive my dad. But if you give it time and patience, a change will start happening inside of you.

    You will learn to see the person in a different way. You will see that everyone is just trying their best with what they have in this moment, and even if you believe they don’t deserve forgiveness, you deserve to be at peace.

    Photo by morstan

  • Don’t Control Anger, Control Yourself

    Don’t Control Anger, Control Yourself

    “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ~Ambrose Bierce

    I once had a much-cherished friend who meant the world to me. The problem was that we were both short-tempered individuals and the word patience was fictional to both of us.

    There is a thin line separates right from wrong and when one is blinded by anger; it can be near impossible to see this line.

    Invariably, my friend and I kept crossing it and ended up destroying what was one of the most beautiful bonds anybody could ever have.

    One day in a fit of anger we said some mean things to each other in front of a lot of people, and that was the end of our relationship. From days of completing each other’s sentences, crying on each other’s shoulders, and growing together as best friends, we are strangers who walk this planet today.

    Much has been said about anger, an emotion that most of us experience often. We read about anger, we learn anger management tips, and we know that it is an emotion with the power to destroy, and yet when it comes to our own lives, it’s an altogether different story.

    When I replay the way I “reacted” to the whole incident instead of “responding” to it, I think of a hundred different things that I could have done right. I still wonder why I said those things, and in front of so many people.

    When we were little kids we used to write with pencils. It was a sign that told us that our mistakes could be corrected. As we grew older we received permanent markers to paint with on the canvas called life. This is because we were expected to take the responsibility of not making irreversible mistakes.

    How we manage our anger will decide if there are ugly marks on this canvas.

    Anger may be an emotion that we cannot evade, but the truth is that life is much more beautiful when we learn not to succumb to it.

    I have always been a short-tempered person. I’ve tried various things to control this, in vain. After having ruined many relationships because of this, I decided it was time to do something about my anger.

    I’ve been asking myself “Is it possible to be someone who never gets angry?”  

    There was once a saint who felt like having a bottle of beer. He asked his disciples to get him one. When the shocked disciples did as they were told, the saint simply folded his hands and stared at the bottle.

    Later, he asked his disciples to take it away. When one of them asked him, “What was it that you did?” the saint told him something that we all need to understand. He said, “I cannot control the feelings, the emotions, or the temptations but I can definitely control my actions.”

    As long as I keep my hands folded, there is no way I can grab this bottle of beer, and even though I cannot control my temptations I can control my actions.

    While anger is something we cannot control, what we do when we are angry is something that we definitely can control.

    Imagine you are working on a beautiful painting and suddenly there is a power outage and it’s pitch dark. Would you continue to make strokes on the painting, hoping that it miraculously became a masterpiece?

    In the same way, when you are angry the best thing to do would be nothing at all. Anger is like a power outage for the thinking part of your brain.

    These days, when I get really upset I choose not to say anything. I retire to my room for a couple of minutes, listen to some music, or distract myself. I let myself feel the emotion, but I don’t let myself react.

    Like the saint, I hold my hands and control my tongue, because if I cannot control anger, I will control myself at least.

    The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

    When I look back at the incident with my friend, I feel like a lot could have been different had I not succumbed to my emotions. In the process I have hurt myself more than I have hurt my friend.

    So I ask you, the next time you get angry, don’t try to control the anger; instead try to control yourself. With a little practice, it becomes a part of your life and you become a person who never lets anger ruin a valued relationship.

    Photo by Scarleth White

  • Releasing Resentment: Who You’re Really Angry With and Why

    Releasing Resentment: Who You’re Really Angry With and Why

    “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Malachy McCourt

    “Can I kiss you?” he asked.

    I didn’t particularly want to kiss him, but it had been a benign first date, and I didn’t know how to say no without hurting his feelings.

    We were standing by my car in broad daylight, and what could be the harm, right? So I rather unenthusiastically nodded my head.

    He, on the other hand, was quite enthusiastic, more than I was prepared for.

    As he leaned in, I closed my eyes and endured the kiss, which most definitely did not tingle my toes. And it went on longer than I wanted, because, again, I didn’t know how to end it without hurting his feelings.

    So I waited. And after enduring a second, even longer, more enthusiastic and less-desired-on-my-part kiss, I finally managed to extricate myself, thank him for lunch, slip into my car, and drive away.

    I was relieved to be done with that date, and I was quite honestly annoyed. No, strike that—I was resentful.

    This perfectly inoffensive man had now acquired a downright unpleasant aura in my mind. Couldn’t he read that I wasn’t interested? Why did he have to pull me into a second kiss? Oh, how I resented him! 

    As I navigated the waters of online dating in search of a compatible life partner, scenarios similar to this one played themselves out over and over.

    After (I kid you not) fifty-seven first dates in a two-and-a-half year period, I’m of the opinion that there may be no greater route to self-growth than dating, if you go about it with the amount of self-examination that I did.

    One of the great gifts I got from my quest for a life partner was the realization that I needed to get clear in my own head where my limits were, before leaving my house for the date.

    In fact, I needed to learn to set limits in a lot of areas of my life, and it was dating that taught me how. Before I gained this clarity, though, I got very familiar with the emotion of resentment.

    I remember one moment, as I stewed with resentment toward a thoughtful, considerate, perfectly wonderful man, that I had an epiphany.

    I’d allowed him to go just a tad further than I really wanted, but when I thought about it, the guy had done absolutely nothing wrong. He’d been a perfect gentleman, and would no doubt be horrified if he’d known his advances had been unwanted.

    His good intentions and obvious respect for me forced me to question what was really going on here. Why was I resentful at him, I wondered?

    The only one who really deserved the brunt of my anger, I realized, was myself. The guy was just following my hazy lead, and would have backed off in a heartbeat, if I’d simply asked.

    That was when the light bulb clicked on over my head.

    That was the moment it became clear to me that resentment isn’t anger with someone else at all; resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood. 

    Everything changed in that moment.

    When you’re trained to be a people-pleaser, like I was, setting clear limits is hard. It was easier to just go with the flow, and then get resentful and blame my dates when my true wishes weren’t magically honored.

    It was easier to play the victim.

    But playing the victim doesn’t lead to happiness or empowerment. And once I acknowledged to myself that this is what I’d been doing—playing the victim—I resolved to take responsibility.

    When I realized that my resentment wasn’t serving any useful purpose, and that it was really me I was angry with for not setting clearer, stronger limits, I could release the resentment and work on making the changes I needed to myself.

    The more I took responsibility for my desires—or lack thereof—and set clear boundaries with my dates, the less victimized I felt. And the fewer unwanted kisses I had to tolerate!

    And of course, taking responsibility for yourself extends to every area of your life, not just first dates! Learning to set boundaries and communicate them is an essential tool for anyone looking for a happy life.

    Resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.

    This simple statement was like a magic formula for me. It became my mantra for a while, helping me chart a less turbulent course through my dating days.

    Time for a Recharge

    Knowing something and always integrating it in your life are two different things, however. I recently discovered that I needed to remind myself of my resentment epiphany.

    That thoughtful, considerate, perfectly wonderful man I mentioned above? He’s been my life partner for over three years now, and he’s still perfectly wonderful.

    He does not, however, have any interest in physical exercise.

    I, on the other hand, am rather more concerned with my fitness than your average Joe. But even so, I don’t always reach my goal of daily exercise.

    I want to be fit, but I don’t always want to pull myself away from other things and get to the gym.

    In a psychology class I was taking, I learned that low physical fitness is actually “contagious.”

    Studies have shown that people are more likely to become sedentary and/or obese when people in their close social network are sedentary and/or obese, and I latched onto this data just the other week, as I was frustrated with myself for letting work get in the way of my exercise commitments.

    It would be so much easier to go to the gym if my partner had any interest in being my workout buddy! And it was so much easier to resent him for not having such an interest, than to take responsibility for my own failings.

    Thankfully, before I got too deep in the poisonous pool of resentment, I remembered my epiphany from years ago: Resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.

    Yes, it would be easier to get to the gym if my partner were gung-ho to get there himself, but he’s not to blame for my lack of exercise, I am.

    I was the one who chose to keep pounding away at the computer instead of going to the gym. The responsibility was mine alone, and any anger directed elsewhere was a pointless waste of energy.

    Whew! I felt like I’d escaped a close call. Instead of stewing in resentment toward my sweetie, I was filled with gratitude for the lessons I learned during my dating days!

    It was a good reminder. Now my antennae are back up again, watching for the niggling feeling of resentment so I can nip it in the bud before it blooms.

    Whether it’s unwanted kisses or a visit to the gym, when you take 100% responsibility and realize your anger is really toward yourself, resentment melts away and makes space for greater happiness.

  • The Zen of Anger: 5 Tips to Overcome Negative Reactions

    The Zen of Anger: 5 Tips to Overcome Negative Reactions

    “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Anthony Robins

    I used to be an angry person. And I was happy about that. In fact, I prided myself on that identity during high school.

    So devoted to the young and vapid demographic, I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror and practice the eighties version of the mad dog stare. In the eleventh grade, I decided smiling wasn’t hip, so I stopped.

    I wore surly like the Goth kids take to all-black attire. My friends thought I was cool because I said what I felt and did what I wanted. “You’re so awesome, Linda—it’s like you don’t care what other people think of you.”

    Except that I did. I cared so much, in fact, that I buried the vulnerability and the emotional pain from feeling that I wasn’t in control of my life.

    The truth is that many teens don’t feel like they fit in during the tumultuous high school years.

    Most people mature and evolve as they get older. Except those who don’t. Those of us who carry the smirk and the swagger past the twelfth grade are in for an adulthood of pain and emotional suffering.

    True rebels without a cause.

    Luckily, in my twenties I had an epiphany, which led me to change my negative, brooding, fly-off-the-handle ways.

    One day during a phone conversation, my friend Rachel made a comment that has stuck with me to this day. I was blabbing on about how the car mechanic was overcharging me for a transmission repair.

    All of a sudden Rachel interrupted me and said, “Did you ever notice that you get into a lot of fights with people?”

    My stomach dropped and my cheeks were hot as I fought back tears.

    I’d like to say I heeded this message immediately. Unfortunately, it was a couple of years before I finally turned my back on angry outbursts.

    The irony is that I’ve made a career out of counseling adolescents. Many are referred to therapy because of anger management issues.

    “Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.”

    The good news is that, regardless of where your anger originated (DNA, angry parents or family members, childhood experiences, or lifestyle), there are practical tools available to manage your anger so it does not manage you.

    I’d be remiss if I said that you’ll wake up tomorrow and feel like Calm Callie or Stress-free Steve.

    Because anger has built up over many years, you’re probably good at projecting it (“throwing” it onto others as a defense against feeling it for yourself)—and it will take time to change.

    You’ve got to own your anger. Nobody made you into an angry person. Sure Mom and Dad, childhood events, past romantic relationships, and other situations may have contributed, but the past is gone forever.

    The beautiful thing is that you have today, and today you can feel calm, collected, and in control of your emotions.

    The following five tips, when practiced regularly, will replace negative reactions and lead to a more Zen-like you.

    1. Pay attention to your morning routine.

    How we start our day affects how the rest of our activities unfold. Set your alarm for fifteen minutes earlier (don’t worry—I’ll make it up on the backend in tip #5).

    Before you get out of bed, take a couple of breaths and say something positive. For example, “Another day. Another chance for a fresh start.” When you find yourself rushing throughout the day, remind yourself “there is enough time.”

    2. Get in touch with your anger.

    Do the following exercise when you have at least thirty minutes of uninterrupted time.

    Find a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes and think of what your anger looks like. What color or images do you see? Where in your body do you store anger? Pay attention to body temperature, clinched fists, heart rate, muscle tension, and butterflies in your stomach.

    Practice deep breaths throughout this exercise, and take a break if the feelings become too intense.

    When you’re ready, open your eyes and take a deep breath. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Pick up a notepad and jot down all your angry thoughts.

    Don’t overthink this—keep the stream of thoughts flowing without editing your responses. Spend at least five minutes recording what, where, when, and around whom you feel most angry.

    Read the list and decide what are your three biggest anger triggers and/or situations. Make a circle around the top three.

    On another sheet of paper, write three strategies for remedying each one.

    For example: Problem #1:

    I can’t stand my job.

    Strategies:

    • Update my resume by Friday at noon.
    • Contact two people and network about possible job openings by Thursday at 5:00 pm.
    • Call my mentor today and invite her to lunch in exchange for business ideas. (Pick up the tab).

    Repeat this exercise frequently, and don’t worry if some of the same issues show up. Problem-solving takes practice and patience.

    3. Unplug.

    Technology encourages us to react quickly. The minute we get that text or feel the phone vibration, we’re racing to respond. Reacting impulsively is a trigger for angry outbursts. Set aside time each day to be free from checking email, social media sites, and text messaging.

    4. Train your mind to respond slower.

    Think, speak, drive, text, listen, cook, eat, and walk slower. When you slow down, you’ll feel more in control of your options and your inner life.

    Leave post-it reminders on the computer, your car dashboard, and your front door. Our brains are not trained to remember many things, so write it down.

    5. Sleep on it!

    Honestly, if I had to choose just one option to manage anger, it would be getting sufficient sleep. Sleep deprivation is a huge culprit in negative moods, including anxiety and depression.

    Commit to going to bed earlier during the week. It’s nearly impossible to make calm, measured, responsible choices if you can barely keep your eyes open.

    Bottom line: You have everything you need to change. With daily commitment, practice, and patience, you’ll increase problem-solving abilities so you can manage your anger, rather than have your anger manage you.

    Remember, living in the past causes depression. Living in the future causes anxiety. Living in the here-and-now enables you to make healthy choices to increase emotional well-being.

    And the future begins now.

  • 3 Ways to Deal with 3 Different Forms of Negativity in the World

    3 Ways to Deal with 3 Different Forms of Negativity in the World

    “The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.” ~Ellen DeGeneres

    I’ve dealt with a lot of negativity in my life.

    When I was only 20, my dad died of ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease. Before that I had to watch him suffer from it for a couple of years as his body slowly lost its functions.

    Also, when I was young I was bullied a lot. Because I was taught to never fight back, I had a lot of pent up anger knowing that my wrongdoers “won” and got away with it.

    To this day, sometimes I have trouble letting go of both big things and small things.

    As such, I tend to develop a train of negative thoughts easily, subsequently affecting my mood.

    Do any of you feel overwhelmed by negativity?

    The Negativity in the World

    The thing about negativity is that it’s rampant.

    You’re bound to encounter people who disagree with you or people who seem out to bring you down.Then there’s the negative state of the world, where bad things happen to good people and innocent people suffer for no reason.

    As such, the negative thoughts tend to enter your mind.

    “Why is life so unfair?”

    “What did I do to deserve this?”

    “What if bad things happen to me?”

    Sounds familiar? (more…)

  • We Need Compassion the Most When We Seem to Deserve it the Least

    We Need Compassion the Most When We Seem to Deserve it the Least

    “Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha

    When babies cry everyone rushes to find what’s wrong and alleviate their stress. It’s a bit of an instinct to do this in our culture.

    We understand that the only way that a baby can communicate a need to us, whether it’s hunger, a necessary diaper change, fatigue, or discomfort, is to cry out. No one wants to hear a baby cry, so we respond quickly.

    Unfortunately, as a child begins to grow and learns the language, we assume that they know how to communicate their needs effectively, yet do they?

    As an elementary teacher I have come to know that even though children have more vocabulary words when they enter school, they still do not know how to communicate their needs. Often, children cry out to get their needs met, but all we see is defiance instead of their plea for help.

    Bella is an adorable first grader who entered my classroom in September. I remember getting her kindergarten card, which noted that she could be a handful at times. I put the card in my filing cabinet at the start of the year because I like to get to know my kids from my own perspective without previous judgments.

    When I met Bella and her mom at our welcome back picnic, I noticed that Bella appeared to be running the show. Her mom and I talked for a bit, and she shared that Bella’s dad died when she was only eight months old, and it was just the two of them still to this day. It was easy to see that mom was compensating for the loss.

    Within the first month of school, I could certainly see why Bella had earned this reputation of being a handful. She could be a bit silly and somewhat defiant at times, but she knew the rules of our classroom and understood what kind of behavior was expected, so she did well with me.

    Right after the December break, things started to change.

    Bella was getting herself in trouble in art, music, and gym. She was not listening to directions and defying the teachers when they asked her not to do something. She was also talking back to adults in the building and getting herself into trouble at her before and after school program.

    Her mom and I talked on the phone to create a plan of action. I suggested a behavior plan to help her, but asked mom to promise to follow through at home for this to be effective. The plan worked for only a few days because Bella just didn’t have a strong interest in following the rules. (more…)

  • 5 Tips to Forgive Instead of Letting Anger Control Your Life

    5 Tips to Forgive Instead of Letting Anger Control Your Life

    Forgive

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    I made it my New Year’s resolution to forgive someone for his past actions. Unfortunately, he’s not here to know.

    My dad passed away from cancer last September. There are times I miss him a lot; other times, it’s nice to have peace in my life.

    We never got along. My mother and others told me it was because we were too much alike, but I knew that was not the case.

    That’s just something outsiders say when trying to simplify your relationship.

    Besides being extremely difficult to get along with, my dad had extramarital affairs, which I knew at an early age. I’m very close with my mom, so I took it personally. I was not going to let anyone hurt my best friend.

    My dad denied everything, but that didn’t release these feelings that I had inside me since I was a child.

    In August 2010, my father was diagnosed with head and neck cancer. He was self-sufficient for the first eight to nine months of his sickness, but in June 2011 he had to get a major surgery that left him totally dependent on his family.

    Since my mom worked full time, that left me to care for him. I knew I could put our past behind us during this time, but he couldn’t.

    My father didn’t want my help and got increasingly mad at me throughout that summer. He yelled at me for everything, and he threw glass at me. He treated me like garbage when all I wanted to do was help.

    Before his death, he wrote me a letter. At this time he was very ill with cancer, so the letter didn’t make sense. However, I still believed there were some truths in there. He told me he was disappointed in me, which felt like a dagger in my heart.

    It took me time, but I realized not everyone wants help.

    (more…)

  • The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers

    The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers

    “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I lay huddled in a ball, my arms tightly around my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Stop!” I wailed.

    It was November 30, 2006. The next day I was turning 13, and it seemed like my life was crumbling before my eyes.

    Earlier that night I was on my computer mindlessly clicking, with the usual soundtrack in the background, my mother and stepfather screaming at each other—until I heard a shattering smash. For minutes the house lay silent.

    I crept out of my room, down the hallway to see my stepfather throwing my mother’s broken glasses back at her face. I saw the glass coffee table shattered.

    “Go through to your room Toni!” my mother yelled. I refused and stubbornly watched.

    My stepfather and mother continued to yell. Next the television hit the floor, and that’s when I found myself in the ball, screaming for it all to stop.

    After that night we moved into a women’s shelter for the abused and homeless. In a haze of Valium, depression, and nightmares I watched women pass me by. Their children’s eyes spoke of horrors.

    I spent the next five years of my life in a chaotic darkness within my head. I blamed myself for what had happened that night and despised what I was.

    During that time, my mother and I flew to the other side of the planet and back many times over, chasing fleeting moments and running away from ourselves.

    Eventually, my mother went back to my stepfather. Things quickly escalated and we again moved to another country, then to another state.

    After that night, a huge resentment boiled inside of me, particularly for my stepfather. Still, I would go up to visit him every now and then after we moved back to Sydney. (more…)

  • Catch Anger Before It Catches You

    Catch Anger Before It Catches You

    “For every moment you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I’m not an angel. In fact, my husband used to lovingly call me a “fierce creature.” This fiery inclination can be due to inborn temperament, but it can also be a result of post-traumatic stress or similar brain-impacting life events.

    It’s taken a concerted effort, over many years, for me to become more loving, tolerant, and peaceful.

    But I still lose it from time to time. Like today, for example, it must have been a triple critical day because I lost it three times in a row. 

    It started with an unusually frustrated phone call with a relative. Then, an empty granola bar box made me furious enough to fling it across the room.

    Lastly, a well-meaning guardian at the visitors’ center of a private yoga resort challenged me. Yes, heaven forbid, I walked up the driveway, but honestly I didn’t cross the gate.

    In fact, I was in my car, about to leave, when she came flying over to warn me the resort property is off limits without a guest pass. I became curt and defensive, cold anger seeping through. After all, I’ve already been on the grounds at least a million times.

    Indulging in Anger Harms Your Health and Happiness

    In each case, I was caught in an almost automatic response. But I quickly recognized the error of my ways. Why? Because, in addition to harming others, I know that indulging in anger harms my own health and detracts from my own happiness too.

    Take a moment to tune in to yourself the next time you get angry. By doing so, you can discover anger’s harmful impact for yourself.

    When I’m triggered by anger, I feel an upsurge of energy at first—almost a high—as adrenalin surges through my body. But this feisty response quickly dissolves into feeling all churned up. If I start replaying the scene in my mind, easy to do, the emotional turmoil can keep on for days.

    On the other hand, genuine regret might pop up. Then I feel bad about myself. I get caught up in how to fix the mess, pulled between my self-righteousness and an ardent wish to let go. 

    Almost always, healing the wound I’ve imposed takes considerable time—time that could have been used for better purposes if I had only held my tongue. (more…)

  • 4 Powerful Tips to Reduce Resentment and Feel Happier

    4 Powerful Tips to Reduce Resentment and Feel Happier

    “Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” ~Buddha

    Life is short. Time spent feeling angry or resentful about things that happened or didn’t happen is time squandered.

    What’s that? You think those feelings motivate you and help you get things done? Hogwash! If you’re honest with yourself, you realize getting things done isn’t the end goal. The goal is to feel fulfilled and happy.

    Accomplishments fueled by resentment and anger seldom contribute to serenity and fulfillment. More importantly, the moments you spent crossing things off your to-do list with a scowl slip away without giving you anything positive. They’re gone; never to return.

    Resentment is like a cancer that eats away at time—time which could have been filled with love and joy.

    Here are four powerful tips to reduce resentments and live a happier life. (more…)

  • Relieve Physical Pain by Releasing Your Grievances

    Relieve Physical Pain by Releasing Your Grievances

    “Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.” ~Buddha

    When the mind is burdened by a perceived wrong for an extended period of time, the body automatically steps in to carry part of the load. We store many of our painful life experiences deep within the framework of our physical bodies.

    If we don’t consciously feel and heal these hurts as they occur, they linger in our muscles, organs, and tissues long after the mind has consciously forgotten the specifics of the event.

    The body is actually a repository that faithfully carries this load until the essence of the experience is cleansed “from the record.” Fortunately, a bit of conscious awareness focused on the simple exercise below can greatly help to release the baggage of past experiences.

    While dining with a neighbor recently, I recalled the time we’d met several years earlier when he’d been suffering from severe back pain. I noticed that he was standing straighter and seemed so much more at ease now, even though he’s in his mid eighties.

    There was such a marked difference in his countenance that I asked him how his back was feeling. “Totally fine,” he twinkled. “How did that happen?” I inquired, sensing I might be in for a good story. “Forgiveness! I forgave myself and everyone else I was holding any kind of grievance against.” He answered matter-of-factly.

    “Just by forgiving, your serious back pain went away?” I asked. “That’s it,” he exclaimed, preparing to give me the full story. “Every grievance you hold against yourself or others shows up as a physical ache.”

    I immediately thought of several idiomatic expressions, like: He’s a pain in the neck. It was gut wrenching. She broke my heart. He’s shouldering too much responsibility, etc. I quickly saw the truth in what he was saying and agreed with him that our bodies warehouse the effects of our thoughts.

    Buddhist teachings refer to these grievances as samskaras. The term essentially refers to the psychic baggage that gets lodged in your being every time you have a reaction to something.

    Any time you want less of something (aversion) or more of something (craving), you are “in conflict” with the moment and adding items to your list of things that are not okay. (more…)

  • When You Feel Angry More Often Than Not

    When You Feel Angry More Often Than Not

    “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

    I spent a lot of time in my life being angry. At one point I hated everything and almost everyone. I had a saying for a while: “God, I hate people.” I hated the people driving in front of me on the way to the store, then in the parking lot of the store, then inside the store.

    I hated my job. I used to love my job. It’s what I chose to do, what I went to school for. But then I started to hate it—the patients, the nurses, everything about it.

    I can’t recall when the precise moment was that it began, this disgust of the world around me. I do know what I was disgusted by: the mindless selfishness of others. I was in total frustration of the way everyone seemed to be wearing blinders to the world around them.

    I was so tired of the judgment and condemnation of others toward those different from them, whether it was race or religion, size, or shape (or that of their bank accounts). The arrogance with which they treated each other, the unfriendly way they regarded each other in public situations, the way I felt I was treated for so many years by people I encountered every day—at my job, within my family, out in public—by unsmiling faces of unhappy people trudging through their miserable lives.

    Misunderstanding can cause a lot of contention.

    I hated the way I was talked down to by other staff at work like I was less significant than them because they didn’t understand what my job title was (Registered Diagnostic Imaging Technologist, or X-Ray Tech), or that I was as educated as they were, or sometimes more so.

    I hated the treatment I received from ungrateful patients who thought they deserved more than I could give. I was called names, screamed at, bled on, vomited on, defecated on, and had the occasional arm reared back in the threat of being hit. This while having to touch, move, and position these people and equipment, all while seeing and smelling the human condition besides.

    Then, I would go home at seven in the morning, get a whopping six hours of sleep, if I was lucky, get up, go about my wifely and motherly duties of house-managing, dinner, and grocery shopping, where I was almost sure to be treated with righteous indignation by a disgruntled cashier who also hated her job (I would sometimes tell them to try my job and then complain), get a shower, relax for maybe an hour or so, and do it all over again, five nights a week. (more…)

  • Respond Instead of Reacting: Speak Your Truth, Not Your Fears

    Respond Instead of Reacting: Speak Your Truth, Not Your Fears

    “Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” ~Laurence J. Peter

    Finances, relationships, responsibilities, and life in general can certainly create a great deal of noise in our heads. However, if we truly want to feel inner peace, we must take the time to learn to be mindful instead of mind full. This, and only this, will allow us to respond to life instead of reacting to it.

    I have tons of happy memories from my childhood and a few harsh ones too. Unfortunately, the harsh memories are those that we replay over and over again, until we heal them. A difficult memory that stuck with me for a very long time was my mother’s pattern of despair.

    She would appear agitated or frustrated about something and soon after she would yell, “One of these days, you’ll come home and you’re not going to find me!” (There’s still a part of me that shudders a bit when I hear those words.)

    As a child, this was a clear sign that my mom was angry about something and if I didn’t hurry up and make it better, she just might leave.

    All I knew in my youth was that I didn’t want my mom to be mad and I surely didn’t want her to leave. As an adult, I have a very different view.

    I am the youngest of four girls in my family, and I was born eleven years after my next eldest sister. My mom was in her late thirties when she gave birth to me, and she had been a mother from the age of seventeen.

    When I think back to my own life at the age of seventeen, I certainly did not have the worries or concerns that my mother did. 

    I wasn’t worried about finances, a marriage, or taking care of a young child. Instead, I was worried about what to wear to school the next day and when I was getting my braces off! One memory that sticks in my brain that happened when I was seventeen, was the day my mom stopped saying she was leaving.

    I remember sitting at our kitchen table when my mom asked me to pull a turkey out of the oven for her because she had recently hurt her back and needed some assistance with this simple task. I was busy writing in my journal so I responded, “Sure mom, in a minute.” (more…)