Tiny Buddha

Tag: alone

  • Asking for Help instead of Bearing Pain Alone

    Asking for Help instead of Bearing Pain Alone

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    When given the chance, I would much rather bear pain on my own, thank you very much. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be vulnerable and ask for help. To share my pain with someone else.

    I think partly it’s from my upbringing—living in the U.S., self-sufficiency is valued. We so often praise the individual who has done extraordinary things and see it as a sign of strength that they accomplished all of it on their own.

    I can understand that; it’s led to a lot of independence and innovation. However, I’m also noticing a shift in understanding, of how no one is an island, we are all interconnected, and everything we do affects others.

    It’s easy to want to hole up and hunker down when the going gets tough, to “grin and bear it” and keep others in the dark. Being human means I’ve had my share of pain, but I’m also coming to value sharing my pain with others.

    I’ve come to believe we are not meant to bear pain on our own.

    A few years ago while adjusting the volume on my cellphone, I tripped down the stairs. (Note to self, pay more attention when walking down the stairs.)

    My ankle swelled up to the size of a grapefruit, and I had ugly purple and black bruises to boot. I tore some ligaments and had a suspected fracture. Needless to say, I would not be running any marathons in the immediate future.

    It was painful not only on a physical level but also an emotional one. Being basically bed-ridden brought up all the issues I normally didn’t have to face—one of those being humility.

    I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do laundry because that required going down stairs, I couldn’t grocery shop, I couldn’t do anything but lie in my bed with my ankle propped on what seemed to be a thousand pillows.

    As someone who prides herself on being independent, this was excruciating. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was ask for help, and there I was, needing it in a very big way.

    I’m not an expert on this topic (if such an expert exists!), so the only thing I can do is share with you my own experience. (more…)

  • Balancing Social Time and Solitude: How to Find Your Golden Ratio

    Balancing Social Time and Solitude: How to Find Your Golden Ratio

    “A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion.” ~Chinese Proverb

    I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question: Do you know if you’re an introvert or an extrovert?

    If you’re uncertain of the answer, you might accidentally be draining your energy with too much time spent socializing, or boring yourself to death with too much time spent in solitude.

    Extroverts get energized by large groups of people and lots of external stimulation, whereas introverts energize themselves when they have time for themselves in low stimulus environments.

    Understanding your social type can make a huge positive impact on the quality of your life.

    My College Years as an Introvert

    Back in the days when I didn’t understand my introverted tendencies, I used to think that there was something wrong with me.

    Attending college in the U.S. was pretty confusing for a typical introvert coming from Finland.

    There was a whole lot more partying and socializing going on that I was used to.

    At times this environment was very exhausting for me since it didn’t fit my personality that well.

    I went to bars and parties just like any other student, but I wasn’t always able to enjoy myself while there.

    I remember one incident when my girlfriend, at the time, got mad at me because I looked miserable at one of the parties we were attending.

    Of course, I wanted to fit in so I tried forcing myself to be more extroverted from there on.

    That never really worked out.

    I found it incredibly tough and draining to try to sell myself as an extrovert. The approach clearly wasn’t working for me.

    It became obvious that something had to change. And since faking extroversion wasn’t really working for me, I began spending more time alone.

    I discovered that taking time for myself was working pretty well, especially after days that had been full of socializing.

    But soon I began realizing the drawbacks of this approach as well. I noticed myself drifting into bad moods after too much time spent in solitude.

    I had moved from one extreme, of accepting all party invitations, to declining the majority of them. Neither extreme worked well for me.

    This is when I first realized that I needed to find a good balance between the two approaches.

    I learned a lot about myself during those years. I’m now able to arrange my ratio better between solitude and my social life. (more…)

  • You Deserve Love, Including Your Own

    You Deserve Love, Including Your Own

    “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Several years ago, I was in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. It didn’t start out that way, of course. During the first year that we were together, I was in heaven. I was blissfully happy and everything seemed perfect.

    My partner and I were so in love and happy just to be together; you couldn’t keep us apart.

    It was years later that the trouble started. It was when my husband reconnected with a woman from his past that our marriage started to fall apart. It is hard to say if things would have fallen apart in time anyway, but this other woman certainly contributed to bringing us unstuck.

    My husband told me that they had never been a couple, but that he used to be extremely attracted to this woman. She had recently moved to our city so he offered to help her out and get her familiar with the surroundings. I thought nothing of it at first because I thought I could trust my partner completely.

    Eventually though, I noticed that he was spending more time with her, and when I would ask him about it, he always made it seem like I was a bad person for being suspicious.

    I started reading messages on his phone when he was asleep because my gut instinct was telling me that something was not right.

    When I confronted him with the incriminating messages, he got very angry. He denied everything and berated me for having so little faith in him. All of this made me quite depressed, and eventually I became very bitter. We were fighting almost constantly over the smallest things.

    I was bitter with the world and, yes, I became bitter with myself. I did not like the person I had become.

    I was always stressed out, suspicious, and unhappy. I blamed myself for the status of our relationship. I started believing that I was the one at fault and that he was the injured party.

    After some time, his affair with the woman finally came to light and we broke up. Even after having confirmed that all my suspicions were correct and that I had done myself a favor by ending the relationship, I was still extremely unhappy. I still carried a lot of bitterness inside me.

    I could not understand why something so bad could happen to a good person like me. I was angry with my ex and was equally angry at the world. (more…)

  • When Will You Find a Moment for Yourself?

    When Will You Find a Moment for Yourself?

    “Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum

    For the second time in a week, the gas light comes on in my car. I’m busy, as usual, and so I push it a little farther, run just a few more errands. But I know that I do need to stop and refill before too long, or I will be left on the side of the road. I’ve been stranded before, and have learned my lesson.

    Most of us know that when our cars try to tell us they need something, we had better respond or they won’t get us to our destinations.

    We usually have some respect for red warning lights on the dashboard, and at least check out the problem. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy to see our own signals.

    Our bodies and minds don’t come with bright red warning lights, but they do give us signals when they’re running low.

    Some of these signals are more obvious than others. When we’re hungry, we might be able to skip a meal occasionally, relying on snacks to get us by, but we all know that at some point, we need to eat real food.

    We might be able to miss a few hours of sleep as well, and make it through the next day, but we can’t simply expect our bodies to keep performing without rest.

    We may be able to survive in a grumpier and lesser performing fashion when we have less than optimal amounts of food and sleep, but we all know that we can’t skip those needs altogether.

    But what about the other needs that aren’t so obvious? Everyone has probably heard about the benefits of spending some time alone just to think and to gather their own thoughts.

    If you work, go to school, have a roommate, spouse or children, this time probably isn’t easy to come by. It’s probably also more important than ever.

    Lately, I’ve noticed just how important this need for solitude is to me. As a writer who works at home, as well as a homeschooling mother, I am blessed with lots of time with my family. What I’m lacking severely is time to myself.

    Between errands, online college classes, a part-time job, volunteering, and meeting the needs of everyone else, I often end up neglecting my own need for a moment to myself to think, breathe, read, write, draw, paint, or do anything that helps me relax. (more…)

  • We Are Never Alone in the Storm

    We Are Never Alone in the Storm

    Hugging Under Umbrella

    “We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

    Like so many others living in Florida, my family was deeply affected by hurricane Charlie in August of 2004.  We have completely recovered financially some years later, but the gravity of the situation leaves feelings close to the surface.

    Our particular community was heavily hit by what were called spin-off tornadoes. Most people in Orlando did not believe the storm was coming our way.  We had little notice that the storm path had changed from the forecaster’s prediction.

    A friend from Jacksonville called and said, “They’re saying here it will hit Orlando tonight as a category four.”  We hadn’t heard that yet and there was no time to board the windows or evacuate. The sky turned a very eerie dark gray and the reality was quite clear.

    We listened to the battery powered radio as our power went out quite early in the storm. At one point we heard that serious tornadoes were spotted on radar near the airport. This was minutes from our house.

    As we were devising a plan, we heard “If you can hear this and live in Conway, seek shelter in a bathroom or interior room now.”

    My husband and I huddled in the bathroom sheltering our then-three-year-old with a mattress. I was pregnant with our second and we both knew this was serious. We began to hear heavy winds and then glass breaking. A tornado does very much sound like a train passing over your head. (more…)

  • Better Together: We Are Not Alone

    Better Together: We Are Not Alone

    “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” ~Helen Keller

    My patient, John Done, rolled in by ambulance from his home in rural Oregon. As his story unfolded I understood why the nurses and ER doctors in the room were slack-jawed and shaking their heads, and I understood why I had been called to see what the nurse called a “DIY’er.”

    I have been a surgeon for over ten years and had never been consulted for a case of do it yourself surgery. John had had a belly button hernia sticking out a couple of inches for many years. It started hurting a few days before I ended up seeing him.

    Somehow, John convinced himself that the hernia had turned in to an abscess, even though it had been there for, as I said, many years. The pain changed his mind about an obvious reality. Once he decided it was an abscess, it made sense to lance it.

    John was not fond of going to the doctor and usually took care of his own medical care.  He opened up his Korean War medic kit and found his sterile scalpel…

    When I got to John he had two stab wounds in his abdomen and was leaking intestinal contents onto the dressings. We took him to surgery, took out a segment of his bowel, and repaired his hernia.

    He did well and was very happy to be free of the hernia. He agreed to call me prior to embarking on another DIY operation.

    Although it seems unbelievable that lancing a hernia could happen, understanding the chain of events is instructive. (more…)