Tag: alone
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When Healing Feels Lonely: What I Now Know About Peace
“Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story, and walk your way to a different ending.” ~Vienna Pharaon
I thought I had figured it out.
For a year, I had been doing the “inner work”—meditating daily, practicing breathwork, journaling, doing yoga. I had read all the books. I had deconditioned so many behaviors that weren’t serving me: my need to prove, my need to compare, my negative thought patterns. My self-awareness was through the roof. I had hit that deep, deep place in meditation I read about in the spiritual texts. I met my soul.
I had stripped my life down to the essentials: no coffee, no alcohol, no meat, no distractions. My morning routine was bulletproof: journal, read a spiritual text, do yoga and breathwork, meditate.
I distanced myself from many—putting up boundaries to some of the closest people to me because they “didn’t understand.” I spent my days mainly in nature, alone, in so much stillness and presence. I had finally found peace. Or at least, I thought I had.
And then I went to a silent retreat in Bali.
I flew across the world, ready to spend eleven days in complete silence, fully immersed in my inner world. I thought it would deepen my peace, open me up to even more divine inspiration, that it would solidify all the healing I had done.
I had no idea it was about to rip me open.
For the first three days, I was in heaven. I was more present than I had ever been in my life. The sound of the river, the feeling of the breeze on my skin—it was intoxicating. I felt like I could stay there forever. I felt like I was home, internally and externally.
But on day four, everything cracked wide open.
Suddenly, the emotions I thought I had healed—the ones I had spent months working through—came flooding back like a tidal wave. It all started with comparison. Comparing myself to other people at the retreat. Comparing my body, my flexibility in yoga class, my skin, my beauty.
I was so confused—I had the awareness to know this wasn’t “good.” I had the awareness to realize this was me defaulting to all these old thoughts and behaviors.
My mind started battling itself—and then I dove right into the “worst” behavior I thought I had healed: judgment. Judgment of others and judgment of myself.
What was going on?! Hadn’t I already done this work? Why was I back here again?
More and more emotions started coming up. I felt so unworthy again, like I hadn’t done enough work on myself. Like this past year was done all wrong, like it was wasted. Like I misunderstood the assignment.
And that’s when it hit me: I had mistaken solitude for healing.
Those few months before the silent retreat, I had wrapped myself in solitude like a safety blanket. I had avoided anything that triggered me—situations, people, even certain thoughts. I had created boundaries—not just with others, but with life itself.
I was at peace… but I wasn’t living.
I had gone so far into solitude, into stillness, that I had disconnected from the very thing that makes life meaningful—other people. I had tricked myself into thinking I had found peace when, really, I had just found another version of control.
But control isn’t healing—it’s just another way of trying to feel safe.
Turns out, I wasn’t at peace—I was chasing again. And this time, I was chasing enlightenment. It looked different from my old pursuits—more noble, more spiritual—but it was still a chase. And I will say honestly (and not egotistically), I reached enlightenment. I know I did. I reached Samadhi, consciousness, pure bliss. But then I started chasing that state, trying to make sure I was always in it. And the only way I could stay in it was by being alone.
That’s where the control came in. I thought I had relinquished my need for control. I thought I was free. And in some ways, I was. But in other ways, I was meticulously curating every single detail of my life to make sure I could always remain in that blissful state. Control had woven its tentacles into my spiritual practice, and I didn’t even realize it.
I needed to be isolated, as much as possible, to maintain my peace. I had convinced myself that this was my purpose. That this was my highest path.
But that also made life so… lonely. Yes, it was peaceful. But suddenly I realized I missed my friendships. I missed my family. I missed all the people who triggered the heck out of me.
Because in complete silence and solitude, I saw the truth—what makes life “life” is being in relation to something or someone.
The truth is, real peace isn’t found in avoiding life—it’s found in moving through it. It’s found in the moments when we feel everything, when we get hurt, when we love, when we mess up, when we forgive.
That’s what life is. That’s what healing is.
And go figure—it took complete silence to show me that.
On my second-to-last day at the retreat, I sat by the river and watched a single leaf fall into the water. Those beautiful big leaves that look so thick and robust, so durable. The current swept it along, pushing it under rocks, pulling it back up, flipping it over, tearing its edges on twigs lodged in the riverbed.
But here’s the thing—no matter what, the leaf kept moving. It got stuck every now and then, but somehow, it would dislodge—a bit more broken and bruised but still moving.
And so do we.
No matter how much life twists us, no matter how many emotions hit us like waves, we are meant to flow with it, not run from it. Not avoid it.
What Silence Taught Me About Real Peace
1. Solitude is a tool, not a destination.
Alone time is valuable, but true healing happens in relationship—with people, with challenges, with the messiness of life.
2. Emotions are a gift, not a burden.
I thought I had reached enlightenment by avoiding pain, but real peace comes from feeling everything—joy, sorrow, frustration, love—and moving through it.
3. You can’t control your way into peace.
I thought if I just kept my environment “pure,” I could protect my sense of calm. But life isn’t about control; it’s about trust.
Flow with life, even when it hurts. That leaf in the river reminded me—life will push, pull, and test you, but you are meant to navigate it, not resist it.
So yes, silence is important. Solitude is powerful. But the work? The real work is out there. In the messy, beautiful, heart-wrenching, soul-expanding experience of being human.
And that’s the lesson I carried with me—not just when I finally opened my mouth to speak again, but into every moment of life that followed.
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How Being Alone Made Me Fall in Love with Myself
“Solitude is where one discovers one is not alone.” ~Marty Rubin
“No one invites me to their party.” That’s what middle school was like for me, anyway. No matter how hard I tried, I could never really fit in with any friend groups.
It seemed like everyone got the instructions on who to hang with and where to sit except me.
I was the serious, quiet type. And the gossipers and sleepover crews didn’t want serious and reserved. So I bounced around, making a buddy here and there. But I was never fully brought into the social scene.
At first, I figured it would sort itself out and I’d find my people. But middle school turned into high school. And high school turned into my first year of college.
I was still on the outside looking in.
No matter how often I put myself out there to try and squeeze into different circles, I’d end up alone again before long—feeling even more lonely than when I just kept to myself.
The worst part was when I pretended to be someone else, just trying to fit in. And it would work…for a minute. Then I couldn’t keep up the act anymore.
I was back to being an outsider. But now I also felt like I lost some inner part of me that made me, me. I was drained. I was bummed.
Eventually, I realized I had hit rock bottom. I was tired of criticizing myself and trying to contort into someone I was not just to please people who didn’t actually care about me.
I had already chased after so many groups and friends, desperate for that connection, but all I was left with was emptiness.
Finally, one day, I asked myself, “Who has been here through it all? The highs and lows, wins and losses?”
The answer was me, myself, and I. ‘I’ was the constant.
‘I’ was the one listening and providing answers when I talked myself through difficult situations. ‘I’ was the one patting myself on the back when I succeeded at something.
That realization—that I already had the most loyal companion imaginable—brought me more comfort than any superficial friendship or party invite could. I had myself, and I was enough.
I decided to stop begging for validation or acceptance from others. I was going to validate myself.
I started actively spending more time alone, without distractions or social media. Reading, writing, and taking myself on solo dates.
I discovered so much about my interests and strengths. I found inspiration and magic in solitude I had never known before.
For the first time in ages, I was at peace. I felt whole, not like some fractured version of myself. I was alone but not lonely. I was independent yet fulfilled.
I became my own best friend. And that made all the difference.
It taught me that I alone am enough, even if others don’t see my worth. Their approval is meaningless unless I have self-approval first.
Further, an interesting thing happened once I stopped desperately chasing friendships—I started attracting people who liked me for me. Turns out when you’re confident and self-assured, you give off good vibes that draw others in.
I made some fantastic friends in college who didn’t care that I was an introvert. And you know what’s the best part? I even found my love partner! Everyone valued my insight and quiet persistence.
For the first time, I felt like I belonged while still being fully myself.
I learned four vital lessons from my lonely middle school days:
1. You are your own best friend or worst critic. How you talk to yourself matters. Build yourself up rather than tear yourself down.
2. Embrace what makes you different. Don’t hide your unique gifts and talents away in some quest to fit in. The right people will appreciate them.
3. Connections can’t be forced. Friendships and relationships worth having tend to come when you least expect them. Stop chasing and let things unfold.
4. It’s better to be “alone” than in bad company. Having toxic or fake friends is far lonelier than having just yourself.
My middle school self would never believe me if I told him one day, he’d have true friends and a partner who adores his little quirks.
But by making peace with being alone, I found the relationships I had craved for so long and discovered that all the acceptance I needed was my own.
I still consider myself an introvert. I enjoy my solo time and quiet hobbies. But now I don’t feel pressured to be someone I’m not just to keep friends around. The connections I do have are based on authenticity from both sides.
And when I need advice or just someone to listen, I turn inward. I explore my feelings through journaling. I tap into my inner wisdom through long, contemplative walks alone. I’ve become my own counselor and cheerleader.
I’m so grateful that the younger me kept striving to find his place. All that perseverance led me right where I needed to be—firmly rooted in myself.
If you’ve been going through something similar, I see you. And I want you to know that you are enough, exactly as you are. You don’t need to earn a spot at anyone’s table for your life to have meaning.
The people who will love you most deeply are on their way. For now, love yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Pursue your passions unapologetically.
Speak encouraging words into the mirror each morning. Put in the work to be your best friend.
And know that wherever you end up in life—surrounded by a tribe of people who adore everything that makes you different or embracing solitude and forging your own singular path—you can’t lose as long as you have yourself.
I am my own closest companion. You can be your own, too.
Whatever stage you’re at in your journey of self-discovery, keep going. Know that the loneliness and feelings of not belonging won’t last forever.
Have faith that things will get better, especially when you nurture your relationship with yourself above all else.
Maybe today is an awkward day where you’re struggling to find your place. That’s okay. Breathe through it. Tomorrow holds new possibilities.
Maybe you’re entering a season of solitude that first feels uncomfortable but will ultimately lead to profound growth. Lean into it entirely rather than resist it. There is a treasure to uncover.
Or maybe you have finally attracted a “tribe” that appreciates the unique shades of who you are. Congrats! But never lose sight of your own worth that exists with or without them.
Wherever you’re at, you’ve got this. And you’ve got yourself. That’s all you’ll ever really need.
So stay true to yourself. Don’t shrink parts of you to appease others. Keep taking chances on yourself, even when no one else will.
Trust that by being loyal to your own soul, you will find both inner fullness and meaningful connections with time.
For now, chin up, sweet soul. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come. How far you’ll go from here is breathtaking. Onward.
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How I Started Enjoying Solo Adventures and How You Can Make a Big Life Change
“We need solitude, because when we’re alone, we’re free from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.” ~Tamim Ansary
I walk along a country path feeling peaceful and free. I wander at my own pace, sometimes briskly and other times pausing to take in the view. There are no conversations to take me out of the moment or distract me from free-flowing thoughts. I set my own course and distance, being accountable to no one except myself.
Spending some leisure time alone brings me a sense of freedom, confidence, and time to reflect. Yet it wasn’t always like this for me. The prospect of enjoying activities alone seemed terrifying, selfish, and somewhat wrong. I’d think I ‘should’ be afraid or I ‘should’ involve others in my plans.
It seems surreal looking back, but there was a time when I couldn’t even sit in a cafe by myself. I’d worry people would judge me as a loner or think I was weird. I look at those times now as someone who’s done a lot of things without others. I’ve hiked mountains, explored new footpaths, eaten in restaurants, and traveled to other countries alone.
I’m no longer bound by other people’s schedules or preferences and can pursue the things I enjoy. I still value those close to me and relish time with them. However, I get different needs met from the adventures I have alone versus those I partake in with others. Neither is better than the other; they just fulfill different aspects of my life.
I need a lot of “me time.” I’m what some people would describe as an introvert. I love people, but I also need time alone to recharge. I know not everyone would enjoy solo trips or activities. However, I’m also aware there are those out there, like the past me, who want to do things alone but are held back from doing so.
Do you crave alone time? Feel restricted by others’ preferences and timetables? Feel anxious about pursuing activities by yourself? If so, I wrote this piece with you in mind, as I was once sitting where you are today.
Change Can Be Hard Work
I want to be upfront and admit that making such a big change in my life wasn’t easy. I was frequently outside of my comfort zone. It took determination and persistence to face my doubts and fears.
However, whenever I pushed myself to do something new by myself, I never regretted it. I would experience a sense of achievement and a belief that I could do this. The worst-case scenarios in my head never materialized, and I began to feel more confident. Now, I don’t think twice about relaxing by myself in a cafe or going off on a solo adventure.
What Spurred Me to Change
The real turning point for me was being diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of twenty-nine. I wasn’t even aware that people of that age could get it, so I was lucky it was caught early.
Receiving such a diagnosis, as you can imagine, shook my world, and I was thrown into a period of medical tests and treatments. It was a traumatic experience, but it also taught me what’s important to me and what I want from life.
The first change I made was to leave my job in IT. I wanted a career that would feel more purposeful and fulfilling. After taking some time out, I decided to retrain to be a counselor. This was a significant career change that seemed daunting. Yet cancer taught me that I had to follow my heart and not let fear stop me.
During my therapy training, I began to practice mindfulness and got counseling for myself. Cancer gave me a drive to change my life and a tentative courage to do so. Mindfulness taught me to tolerate difficult emotions so they wouldn’t hold me back. Counseling increased my self-awareness and belief in myself.
I became interested in articles, social media posts, and books about people overcoming adversity or going on incredible adventures. They inspired me to work toward being more independent when it came to engaging in my interests or going places.
A Step at a Time
When I was in local cafes with friends, I started to notice people who were sat on their own. They looked relaxed and content, and I admired them for this.
At secondary school, there’d been the unspoken message that sitting alone made you a misfit. It’s an age where there are pressures to conform and not stand out from the crowd. To appear different would have felt shameful and left me open to rejection and ridicule.
It started to sink in that being in a cafe is completely different than being a teenager in a school canteen. People in a cafe on their own weren’t going to judge me. People in groups were probably too engrossed in conversation to even be aware I was there.
So I decided to visit a coffee shop alone. It was a cafe I was familiar with and one where I’d previously noticed others sitting by themselves. I gave myself a good pep talk and managed to make it into the cafe. I felt so self-conscious that I drank my coffee at record speed. To the point, my mouth felt slightly burned.
That visit was a big step and a turning point for me. I’d done it, and other than a sore mouth, nothing bad had happened. No one had laughed at me or stared at me. No one seemed to have noticed or cared that I was there.
This gave me the confidence to try again. It was easier this time. Visiting this cafe became a regular occurrence for me. I no longer felt self-conscious, and I began to enjoy having a leisurely drink there.
At this point, I decided to step it up a notch and branched out to new cafes by myself. Then progressed to restaurants.
The Big One
The most challenging solo adventure was going on holiday to Malta. I’d only ever been on a plane twice in my life. Not only was I having to face the discomfort of flying alone, but also navigating a different country, using public transport, and eating out by myself.
I booked the holiday not even knowing if I would be able to get on the flight. My partner dropped me off at the airport and came as far as security with me. At this point, I was so scared I had a panic attack. I recognized what was happening to me, rode it out, and made it through security. I was determined to get on the plane.
When the call for boarding was made, I had another panic attack, but I knew I was so close to making it now. The next thing I knew I was on the plane, so there was no going back. I was desperately hoping I’d done the right thing.
I cannot describe the elation I felt once I was on the bus to the hotel. I’d done it, and even if I stayed in the resort all week, it still felt like a huge success.
I woke up early the next morning feeling refreshed and more confident. I’d made the flight and I’d managed to get to the hotel, so I could surely manage to go exploring. In my newfound confidence and excitement, I managed to take buses and a return ferry to visit the island of Gozo.
I loved my time in Malta. I walked for miles along the scenic coastal paths and visited various historical sites. I went where I wanted, when I wanted. It was an incredible experience.
This trip made me realize I’d overcome my fear of going places alone. I returned home feeling replenished and invigorated. I had more energy and focus to give to others. Spending time alone no longer seemed selfish but like an act of kindness to myself and others.
I’d also lost the thought that doing things alone was weird or odd. I was just a person pursuing the things they enjoy.
Tips for Making Changes
Whether you want to travel alone, like I did, or do something different that’s personally meaningful to you…
- Be clear about what you want to achieve. Journal, speak to others, meditate, or read inspirational stories.
- Break down what you want to achieve into small, manageable steps. Don’t try to rush things. It takes time to build confidence. Take it one step at a time. Trying to do too much too soon may feel overwhelming and off-putting.
- Enlist the support and encouragement of friends, family, or a therapist.
- If you have a setback, be kind to yourself. Change is rarely a linear process. You might want to take a break to reflect on what happened to see if there is anything you can put in place that would help. It’s okay to change your plan. It may mean going back to an earlier step or making the current step smaller.
- Recognize your successes and don’t downplay what you achieve. If you’ve done something different that is outside of your comfort zone, that is a huge achievement and something worth celebrating.
Final Thoughts
Realizing what’s important to me was a defining moment in my life. I’d become stuck living in a way that had felt overwhelming and dissatisfying. Plodding on with things, as there seemed safety in the familiar. But the cost of playing it safe meant I was missing out on having a sense of purpose, adventure and space to breathe.
It took a major life event to spur me into making the changes I needed. I no longer wanted to waste opportunities and miss out on the prospect of a more satisfying life because I felt afraid.
I had to dig deep to face my fears to get to where I am now. It was a slow process of one step at a time. Despite working toward spending time by myself, I didn’t feel alone. I had the backing and support of those close to me. They were a sounding board. They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself and celebrated with me in my successes.
I’m grateful for the circumstances that prompted me to review my life. I’ve experienced a lot of things that wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had to rely on others. I look forward with excitement as I plan my next adventures.
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How I Stopped Feeling Embarrassed and Ashamed of Being Single
“Be proud of who you are, not ashamed of how someone else sees you.” ~Unknown
“When was your last relationship?” my hairdresser asked as she twisted the curling wand into my freshly blow-dried hair.
“Erm, around two years ago.” I lied.
“Why did you break up?” she asked.
“Oh, he had a lot of issues. It wasn’t really working out.” I lied again.
I had gotten quite good at this, lying to hide my shame over being in my early thirties and never having been in a serious relationship. I had learned to think on my feet; that way, no one would ever call me out. The last thing I needed was people’s pity and judgment.
I sat in my chair thinking about what she might say. Should I have told her that I have never been in a serious relationship? Would she be compassionate or judgmental? Would she feel sorry for me and think there was something wrong with me? That was a risk I was not willing to take.
I felt so much shame and embarrassment around my relationship status that I would avoid discussions about it at all costs. Or I’d lie or get defensive with family and friends who would bring it up, to the point that they noticed it was a sore subject and would avoid asking about my love life.
I learned to recognize how shame manifested in my physical body—the anxiety I felt when someone would ignorantly ask when I would be having children, the rapid heartbeat when asked if I would be bringing a plus-one to gatherings, and the knots in my stomach when I would be invited places that would consist of mainly couples.
The shame I felt around my relationship status had always prevented me from speaking my truth because I was afraid I would be judged harshly.
I felt like someone with an addiction who was in denial. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t bring myself to say the words “I’ve never had a serious relationship” to anyone, not even my closest friends and family, despite them knowing deep down.
The Quest to Find Love
I felt aggrieved that I had gotten to my early thirties without ever being in a serious relationship. The creator didn’t love me; it had forgotten about me. I desperately wanted a loving relationship, as I was tired of being alone, and I wanted to experience true love.
I had a warped belief that being in love meant that I would feel happier, content, and life would genuinely be easier. After all, this is what we are told in fairy tales—the princess gets her knight in shining armor and they live happily ever after!
Over the years, I delved into the dating scene, trying dating apps, and keeping an active social life so I could meet people. Time went by, and I dated multiple unavailable men who ran when they sensed I wanted something serious.
This eventually got tiresome, and it took a toll on my self-esteem and confidence. I felt undesirable and not good enough.
I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong! Was I being punished? I was well-educated, with a good career and prospects, and I wasn’t bad looking at all. And more importantly, I was considered kind, outgoing, and friendly by those who knew me.
Enough Is Enough
I was exhausted and frustrated and had no more energy left in me to keep looking for a good match.
I was so fed up with being met with disappointment and feeling bad about myself that I slowly began to give up on love.
I convinced myself that I would never find the right partner, that I wouldn’t experience the over-glamorized idea of love I had conjured up in my head from early childhood.
This only heightened my feelings of shame. It told me that not only was I not good enough to have a partner, I wasn’t capable of seeing something through until the end, and I didn’t possess the courage to ‘tough it out.’ Shame told me I was a bad person, unworthy of love.
Sulking into my pillow on a Sunday afternoon, I had a sudden thought: Maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s you. I got angry at this thought. How could I possibly be to blame? I’ve done nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is wanting to be loved.
Another thought came: Maybe you can do something to change your experiences. This thought didn’t get me as angry, and after reflecting on it for a day or two, I concluded that I had to take some responsibility for the kind of men I was attracting.
I took a step back from finding ‘the one’ and put my energy and focus on working on myself. I concluded that most of the qualities I wanted in a man I didn’t even have in myself—for example, confidence and assertiveness.
Compassion Over Everything
I learned that shame can be ‘killed’ when it’s met with compassion, so I started being kinder and less critical of myself. I made a conscious effort to avoid negative thoughts, praised myself as often as I could, and tried not to be too hard on myself.
I confided in my close friends about the shame I felt around my single status, despite it taking much courage to do so. The more I admitted to people that I had never been in a serious relationship, the better I felt and the more I began to accept it.
Being vulnerable with those I loved was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. What’s even better was that I wasn’t judged harshly or pitied as I anticipated, and instead, I was shown love and compassion.
I remember telling a new colleague that I hadn’t been in a serious relationship, and she said, “Me too.” My fear of how she would react quickly turned to relief that there were people just like me, that I had nothing to be ashamed of.
I was, however, choosy about whom I told my story to, as not everyone is deserving of seeing me at my most vulnerable. I knew I had to be careful because if I was not met with compassion and was judged and ridiculed, this could have exacerbated the shame I already felt.
Love is Love, No Matter Where It Comes From
I began to realize that love is love, and regardless of my relationship status, I had plenty of it. I didn’t need a partner to feel loved, and love isn’t less valuable because it doesn’t come from a relationship.
We can be shown love by our friends, family, colleagues, ourselves, and even strangers. This love is just as special and meaningful as the love you experience in a relationship.
With this in mind, I began to cultivate more self-love in order to boost my confidence and self-esteem. After all, the best relationship I’ll ever have is the one I have with myself.
I started being kind to myself and saying nice things about myself through daily affirmations. I also accepted compliments when I was given them, took time out for self-care, and put boundaries in place where needed.
As a result, my confidence and self-esteem grew, and I started to understand my worth and value.
Letting Go of the Need to Find Love
Over time, I began to let go of the need to find love. I hadn’t noticed that it had completely taken over every part of my being. I wasn’t closed off to finding love; in fact, I was very open about finding a potential partner. Only this time, I was okay with it if it didn’t happen.
I let go of the idea that someone would be coming to rescue me, and I concluded that I could be my own hero and best friend.
I let go of the idea that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy and made a conscious decision to be happy at that very moment. As a result, I began to feel free, liberated, and completely content with where I was in life.
When I let go, I noticed that the shame I felt around my relationship status had stemmed from fear. I was scared of what people would think of me because I wasn’t meeting the status quo. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to start a family.
Where I Am Now
I still haven’t met ‘the one,’ and I’m okay with this. I am now at peace, joyful, and enjoying my life as it is in this present moment.
I no longer feel the shame I once felt around my relationship status or the fear that I have been left behind. I understand that I don’t have to be ashamed, as there are plenty of others just like me.
I choose to see my single status as my superpower. I get to use this time to learn and grow. I embrace and appreciate every moment of being single, as I know that when I do get into a relationship (which I will), I will miss moments of being single and having no one to answer to.
There are, of course, times when negative thoughts and behaviors try to rear their ugly head, but I simply remember who I am and ask myself, “Does this thought or behavior align with what I want or who I want to be?” If it doesn’t, I simply let it go.
For anyone reading this who’s experiencing feelings of shame and fear because they do not have a partner, remember you’re still worthy single, and you deserve your own compassion and love. Once you give these things to yourself, you set yourself free.
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Healing from Abandonment Trauma: 3 Things I Learned from Being Cheated On
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~Rumi
I want to share an experience I went through that hurt like hell, but that helped me so much in the long run.
The experience was being “cheated on,” though the woman wasn’t my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I was very attached and it felt awful.
So, let me start with the backstory.
I met Diana through mutual friends in late 2021. I thought she was cute, and a little anxious, which I seem to gravitate toward. That’s just my savior complex coming out, which is another story for another day.
Eventually we hooked up after a holiday party and continued hooking up regularly. I began to have stronger feelings for Diana than I anticipated, though I tried to play it cool and not cause any awkwardness in the group.
Things started deteriorating between us at one point, and it culminated in Diana going home with another guy basically in front of me.
Needless to say, I was devastated.
My friend who introduced me to Diana was there, and he asked me, “Are you catching feelings?” I was so angry that he would try to shame me into not feeling what I was feeling. I said, “Yes, I am” and left immediately.
On the way home, I was screaming in my car, and I even punched my steering wheel, which I had never done before. I was so triggered and mad. There was a tornado of emotion ripping through my chest—anger, grief, worthlessness, desperation.
The next day, I woke up and left the house to get a smoothie. I didn’t want to be by myself as I was going through this.
Initially I didn’t feel so bad, but I knew that the wave was going to hit me sooner or later. I started rereading books on relationships that I had read before. Books like Fear of Intimacy by Robert Firestone and Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Luckily, I had these books to turn to for guidance.
Over the next two weeks I cried multiple times on my way to work, or on the way home from running errands. I even pulled over a few times to bawl my eyes out and wail alone in my car before continuing.
Over the next couple of months, I worked on processing the grief and pain. Occasionally I would dive deep and get a memory of childhood abandonment, the real source of the pain. I’d get a memory of my mom not being there for me…
While I was growing up, my mom worked all the time to support our family. And we had such a big family that one-on-one time was basically nonexistent.
That meant there were countless times when I felt lost, abandoned, and overlooked.
Being deeply hurt by Diana gave me the opportunity to go right to the source of the pain, my original abandonment experiences. Daily meditation and journaling helped whittle away the pain.
It was slow progress for a while. I even stopped writing for a few weeks because I was overwhelmed with emotion. But eventually I began to feel like myself again.
The first two months were rough, the next two were a little better, and after six months I was finally out of the weeds. But more than that, I feel better than I did before I met Diana.
I feel as if my baseline level of security and happiness is higher. The way I think about it is that my abandonment experiences were heavy boulders weighing down my soul. Not carrying them around feels so much lighter.
I must have spent over 100 hours meditating to let go of these emotions, and I’ve learned a few things in the process…
1. Present pain is compounded by pain from the past. If you want to be free, heal the original wound.
2. We seek what is familiar in relationships, even at the expense of our safety and happiness. And what is familiar is the love we received from our parents. If we want to have better relationships, we need to heal our past or we will repeat what we know endlessly.
3. We get what we need to heal in relationships. And I think that’s beautiful. While things might suck in the short-term, you’ll come to know that life has your best interests at heart. Now that this episode is over, I’m glad life gave me the experience I needed to heal.
Now it’s time for a counterintuitive move that helped me close this chapter in my life.
I used to think “being left by Diana like that hurt so bad and I wouldn’t want to experience it again, but I am glad that I was able to learn and grow from it.”
But that thought reveals that there is more work for me. To get closure from this experience, I had to open myself up to going through it again (but trusting life to not be so cruel).
It’s not what you would think would help, but when you run from an experience you are still controlled by it.
And if your goal is genuine freedom, you need to open yourself up to it. Of course, I will still be cautious going forward, just not fearful.
Once I opened myself up to experiencing that same pain and hurt, I became freer. I took off the armor I was wearing, and I know that life can be trusted to have my back.
I’d rather live with an open heart and get hurt than live closed off. That’s the way of freedom.
“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” ~Rumi
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Confessions of an Extrovert: Why I Now Love My Alone Time
“Allow yourself to grow and change. Your future self is waiting.” -Unknown
Not to be dramatic, but I really mean it when I say that solitude changed my life. I am an extrovert who loves humans, socializing, and learning from people and experiences. I’ve always enjoyed being around others, and don’t get me wrong, I still thrive this way. But when I got Covid in 2021, life completely changed, and it’s not the only way I thrive now.
Before Covid, I’d been living my life in a way that wasn’t serving me. I was partying a lot, not eating well, and living in chaos, with very little rest. I constantly had my schedule booked, leaving no time for self-care. I felt like I was living life for others, ignoring what I needed.
I made mistakes, like blowing off my priorities because I was in a terrible headspace, and I continued living an unhealthy lifestyle until I finally had a talk with myself and realized this wasn’t right for me (then Covid came along, and sh*t got serious).
I didn’t immediately enjoy quarantining and being stuck at home, away from friends and family, but before I got sick, I knew change was coming. And though I felt a lot of resistance, I also felt that a new version of myself was on the way.
While I’m usually not one to fight change, there was so much going on at once, and it was a lot. I also learned that I was one of the people who suffered from panic attacks and anxiety as a side effect of Covid. The aftermath was worse than having the virus itself.
This lasted almost a year. I felt so bad for myself; I couldn’t believe that this is what life had come to for me. I was even losing my hair. Some days I’d wonder if this dark tunnel would ever come to an end and show me light. Things felt very heavy, but I also had some of the most beautiful things going on at the same time, like living in the city with my now fiancé, so it was all very confusing.
I began to lose sleep, which was unusual for me. My inner world felt like chaos. There were lots of tears and weekly therapy sessions (which also changed my life). Therapy and journaling became my safe spaces to release and understand myself.
Throughout the year of that inner chaos, what did I learn? Surrender. I was trying to maintain full control of my life and keeping busy while actively avoiding working through suppressed emotions from times when younger Naila would over-extend for others, and completely forget to take care of herself. I didn’t want to listen because I was afraid. And that’s human nature, to fear the unknown.
So, here’s a reminder that the Universe forces you to slow down and redirect when you’re not listening. This also means it may hurt more since we didn’t consciously welcome the change.
Over time, I have gone through so many phases and such inner growth. I began working with my wonderful therapist and quit a job that was not working out for me as expected (which hurt). I’ve lost people and my relationships changed, thankfully most of them for the better.
As soon as I let go of control and put in the hard work, things got better, and I saw results—even if they were just small victories. I was starting to see that light I’d been waiting for. My body felt lighter as I began to release dead weight from my body and I began to feel like myself again, but this time, better than ever.
I chose watering myself over destructive behaviors. Instead of focusing on the anxiety attacks and trying to force myself back to sleep at night, I meditated. I chose solitude over socializing. This was the peak of my growth.
Sometimes, we get lost in the chaos of this busy world. We get sucked into conversations and company we don’t actually enjoy. Society tells us to be productive 24/7. Our worth is based off money, accomplishments, and what social media sees. Conversations are about what we are instead of who we are.
Long before this journey, I was used to overbooking my schedule, always very busy. I would work two jobs, scheduling anything I could in between and going to school at the same time. I enjoyed it then.
Solitude and self-reflection taught me what I truly care about: genuine connections, giving and receiving love, nurturing myself just as I do others, and living, not just surviving.
My higher self told me that the world’s expectations are not my own, and that it’s okay to choose a different path than I once wanted (or society told me I wanted). As I’ve learned in therapy, I am my own worst critic, so my new path is all about letting life unfold naturally, without constantly criticizing myself for where I thought I’d be in life, especially in my career.
I began to reflect on my life, my inner child, and current self. Most importantly, I began to heal from things I’d stored away from childhood pains and days long ago during an abusive relationship. I let go of self-sabotaging behaviors and decided to finally listen and release, then the inner turmoil started to calm.
Because I was spending much more time alone, I learned a lot about myself. Solitude helps us build trust with ourselves and teaches us about our true desires. We begin to tolerate less and prioritize differently. I value very different things now than I once did. I’m getting to know my true self, and that’s something no one can teach you or prepare you for.
I also want to emphasize that solitude is possible while you’re in a healthy relationship.
Throughout my dark days, I had my now-fiancé supporting me through it all while letting me heal and grow. Him supporting my solitude made me that much more successful on my journey. When someone around you offers love, respect, and support, it makes it easier. Their company becomes a bonus and not a burden. Previous Naila didn’t think this was possible, and I’m grateful things panned out differently.
Overall, I have learned that the “dark” times were actually just lessons and periods that catapulted my growth and healing. The tough times are temporary, and there is strength and clarity in solitude. As of today, I cherish my solitude; it’s a vital part of my being. I also learned that there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. Yes, even when it’s long and scary.
In this new chapter of my life, rest is high on my priority list, not overworking and overbooking. I am much pickier about who/what I surround myself with, much more productive, and still growing and ever-changing.
My life is much more peaceful and calm, and my boundary-setting skills are much stronger. These are lessons I couldn’t learn as an unbalanced extrovert. I’m a better version of myself now.
So, if you’re an extrovert who forgets to prioritize yourself, someone who’s going through a dark tunnel, or someone who avoids change, this post is for you. Instead of being afraid of solitude and change, learn to accept them and watch how they transform your life for the better.
As my dad once told me, change is the only constant in life, so get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
I believe in you. ♥
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All the Ways I Tried to Numb My Loneliness and What Actually Helped
“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings.” ~Mandy Hale
I feel so alone right now. Like, crawling out of my skin, I’ll do anything I can do to not feel this way alone.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Thank goodness I have tools to take care of myself. Let me explain.
My earliest childhood memory is my mother’s empty bed. The sheets are white, untucked, and messy. The duvet cover is loose and hanging halfway on the floor. The room is quiet, there’s no sign of mom, and I am all alone.
That’s when I met loneliness for the first time. When I was three-and-a-half years old and my mom had just passed away.
Loneliness came upon me before I could understand what was going on. It came upon me when I was unprotected and exposed, when I was vulnerable and needy, and it pierced me to my core.
As I got older, loneliness made me feel unworthy and different—as if I was the only person in the world that felt that way. It made me feel flawed and defective, and it liked to catch me off guard.
Being in this headspace was so intense and overwhelming, I would do anything I could to make it go away. I would binge watch television, emotionally eat, play video games, and watch pornography (yes, I just admitted that).
I didn’t have the emotional tools to ride out the discomfort of feeling alone, so I made myself feel better the only way I knew how—by numbing out.
If I had a tough day at work, I’d come home and “escape” my feelings with television. If a girl I was interested in didn’t show interest in me, I’d watch porn so I didn’t have to deal with my fear of abandonment and loneliness.
Upon first look, the solution seemed simple: learn to be comfortable in solitude. Ha! That’s like telling someone who wants to lose weight “Just eat less and move more.”
If letting go of our patterns were that easy, none of us would suffer. This is why healing and self-intimacy aren’t for the faint of heart.
It’s called inner work for a reason. I digress.
What I discovered was that my “pattern” of escaping was actually a coping mechanism. I was trying to help myself, albeit in a not-so-healthy way.
My fear of being alone felt too big to meet, so instead, I used television, food, video games, and porn to help manage it. To squelch the inner anxiety going on inside of me.
And it wasn’t even conscious. I didn’t wake up each day thinking, “I’ll watch porn today to escape my feeling of loneliness.”
In fact, it was the opposite. I would go to bed each night saying I was done with this type of behavior only to repeat the pattern the next day.
It was default programming that was running on its own—until I slowed down to be with what was running it. As soon as I courageously did this, my patterns shifted.
With the help of a mentor, I’ve developed a practice where I connect with loneliness rather than run away from it. After all, loneliness is part of the cast of characters that live inside each and every one of us.
Any time I feel this way, I come up with a list of five to ten questions, like: Why are you here? What are you here to teach me? Will I be okay if I just sit in the discomfort of what’s coming up for me? I then invite loneliness to pull up a chair next to me and I interview my greatest fear. I work on the relationship rather than running away from it.
When I sit with my loneliness I remember I am whole and complete, just the way I am. I often think about my mom during this time and have gone back to that place as a little boy to let him know that he is okay and remind him that his mother loves him very much.
In the beginning I shed many tears, but after a while I was no longer plagued by a constant sense of longing. In fact, I began to enjoy being alone. Go figure!
This got me thinking—what if our patterns of binge watching TV, checking out on social media, watching pornography, etc. are well-intentioned? What if they are here for us?
We humans play this game all the time. We try to manage our feelings through acts of busyness, distraction, overwhelm, food, alcohol, pornography, work, and more. We use something outside of us in order for us to feel better on the inside.
What I’ve realized is that management is a defense—a protector trying to help. It’s innocent and wonderful in its own way. Yet, real help only comes when we go within and meet what’s going on inside of us.
Loneliness doesn’t go away. It’s a part of who we are.
It’s a normal human emotion and can teach us a lot about ourselves. It can teach us patience and the importance of self-love.
Building a relationship with this part of you takes time. It’s a process.
So the next time you feel the twinge of loneliness creeping in, don’t try and run from it. Rather, lean into it and see how your life changes for the better.
Loneliness created the urge to numb my emotions. Learning to be comfortable in solitude strengthened my esteem.
It’s your choice. Self-pity or self-love.
Today I intentionally shift this relationship. Take the beginning of this article for example.
My wife is away on a work trip for the next twelve days, and I’m feeling isolated and alone. Rather than binge watch television or escape via porn, I’m going to reconnect with loneliness by simply sitting with it and see what it has to teach me.
Where are you managing your fears and feelings? And how can you meet them instead?
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How to Get Comfortable Being Alone and Get the Most Out of Solitude
“The act of sitting down is an act of revolution. By sitting down, you stop that state of being: losing yourself, not being yourself. And when you sit down, you connect to yourself. And you don’t need an iPhone or a computer to do that. You just need to sit down mindfully and breathe in mindfully.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
The day my ex-wife moved out was also the day when our dog moved out and when I was laid off from my bankrupt ex-company. It felt like everything around me had suddenly died. Many of our common friends and loved ones distanced themselves from me, and I felt abandoned.
As I took my first few steps through the rubble, I felt the full force of this new solitude that was now forced upon me. And it wasn’t going anywhere soon.
I immediately lost my appetite and my desire to cook. I started taking irresponsibly long hot showers and baths till my skin burned. I decluttered. I threw away pictures and memorabilia, love notes and cutlery, teabags and cushion covers. I stopped vacuuming.
But I continued running. I started reading. I read anything that looked like it held a secret to end my suffering.
I lost interest in my job. I’d wake up every morning with dread, sometimes not sleeping entire nights.
I kept running. I got faster and stronger. I also got injured and had to stop. The darkness stayed even as the days started to get longer. While I lived abroad, the second wave of covid had just hit back home. One of my best friends from childhood died. Also a cousin. A friend lost his father and never saw the body. My dad got very sick and almost died. I sank further.
But I kept meditating in solitude. Every time the void of existence hit me with boredom, anxiety, and restlessness, something deep within forced me to continue sitting through it. It started feeling familiar. And I slowly started to come back to life. My sense of taste returned. I started cooking again. I started having friends over.
Still, some days I would collapse on the floor and cry till I got thirsty. Then I’d hydrate and go back to my laptop to run the next zoom meeting, smiling through it.
I realized what a shell of a person I was now that my ex-wife had left me. At the same time, I continued to befriend the solitude and get comfortable with my aching heart—to sit with it, have a conversation with it, and see what it had to say and what it had learned.
I was starting to get to know myself from a brand new perspective. It was almost like getting to know this new person who had been living in the basement all these years and I had no idea! And this person sure was interesting!
The solitude soaked in all my tears so I could laugh again with people. It became my duvet in the winters, my picnic blanket in the summer. The solitude and I would often do karaoke at 7:00 on a Sunday morning till the neighbors started complaining. We went on bike trips together, dipped in cold lakes, went to eat at buffets, and sat through boring dates.
It became my best friend when there was no one around. It taught me to write, to read, to think, to philosophize, to know what’s good for me, to love everyone unconditionally, and to be kind.
It showed me things as they truly are and caught me when I was being judgmental. It took away my anger and my desperation. It carried my dreams and filled me with hope.
Solitude has the power to teach us about ourselves. It is the gym where we must go to train.
A century ago, people would look forward to solitary periods of relaxation on their porch after a long day of work. But today, we devote most of our conscious time to the pursuit of feeling connected with other people, either offline or online. A simple notification instantly pulls us away from the present moment. We are constantly everywhere but here and now. But our true self lives in the here and now, though we seem to spend less and less time with it.
In the raw moments of loneliness that succeed a breakup or a bereavement, when we have nowhere to run, we encounter our true self. Like I did. And it was scary. It felt like sitting in the corner of a dungeon with a chain locked around my ankle as a stranger towered over me. I wanted to run away, but there was nowhere good enough to run to. I went scuba diving in the tropics, but my broken, ghost-of-a-self found me under water too.
The key to cultivating fearlessness in these moments is getting to know yourself through solitude. It means deliberately taking time out to sit alone so you feel comfortable with yourself, connected to yourself, and at peace with yourself.
To practice solitude, try this.
1. Think of your favorite meditative activity.
Ideally, it should involve interaction with physical objects, not digital ones. And definitely not a phone or something with a screen. It should be mundane and not involve rational thinking. This provides the ideal setting for your true self to emerge. An example is doing the dishes, focusing on your breath, or just sitting out in the garden, hearing and seeing what’s around you.
2. Set aside a fixed time during the day.
This is especially important if you are just starting out, because a strict regime is helpful to cultivate a habit. A good time is early in the morning. A recent study showed that early morning is the ideal time for alpha wave activity in the brain, which is associated with restful attentiveness. But depending on your schedule or your routine, any other time of the day is good enough to start with. Start with ten minutes and slowly make your way up to an hour. There’s no right or wrong duration, but the more the better.
3. Start with an intention.
Make a decision to consciously choose solitude. Embrace it like it’s your best friend. Know that it is good for you, that it is the right thing for you. That there is nothing better you’d rather do right now, and no one more important to talk to than yourself.
Most importantly, don’t get too serious. Develop a sense of joy, a sense of humor about the whole thing.
Sometimes it all may seem impossible, especially when painful memories and a sense of loss come back with profound pain. It may feel hopeless as the thoughts and feelings overwhelm you. But believe that those thoughts and feelings are like a movie playing in your head. They do not define your reality in the present moment. Do not let them consume you.
Believe you are the mountain in the storm. And when the thoughts and feelings eventually pass, which they will, come back to your practice. Develop almost a blind devotion to it in the beginning, because it may take many sittings to feel the first signs of solidity and bliss coming back.
If you are finding it tough to start by yourself, go to a local yoga or meditation class and work on your basic form. Then come back and try it again.
4. Start enjoying your company whenever the opportunity arises.
As you start building a regiment for solitude, you will start to appreciate moments to yourself. While you wait for your friend at the subway before you head to that party together. While you wait for your favorite burger to arrive after deciding to eat out by yourself.
Think of those fleeting minutes as a gift, as an opportunity to see if you can appreciate the world around you. Wait before you flip out your phone or put on your music. Can you see how solid and calm you feel now, compared to before? How rich the world around you is? Give yourself a high-five for putting in all those hours of solitude practice.
And if by chance that solitude is forced upon you by a tragedy or unforeseen event, even better! Because when your heart is broken it’s the most open, and ripe for new wisdom and the richness of the world to take root. Acclaimed author and Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön says, “To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening,”
Be deliberate. Be disciplined. And you will soon get to know the most interesting person you have ever met! One who will always be with you, no matter what else you lose.
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How I Found Peace and Self-Love After a Toxic Relationship
“Bravery is leaving a toxic relationship and knowing that you deserve better.” ~Unknown
When my marriage ended, it left a huge void that I desperately needed to fill, and quickly.
Along with my divorce came the unbearable feelings of rejection and being unlovable. To avoid these feelings, fill the void, and distract myself, I turned to dating. And it turns out, it was much too soon.
What seemed like a harmless distraction soon became what I needed to feel wanted and loved. This was a way to avoid doing the harder work of learning to love myself instead of needing outside validation to feel good about myself.
The online dating scene was a complete circus that I didn’t know how to navigate with all of my wounding. I ended up falling for a guy—let’s call him Steve.
Steve seemed nice enough when I met him. He was quiet and seemed like he may have been a little too passive for me, but he was really into me, so I kept coming back for more. It was nice to feel wanted again.
We had some things in common, and he was handsome and sweet. We had fun together, and he was always texting me to say hello and chat—again, that made me feel wanted.
Eventually, Steve grew more distant. When I brought it up, it only seemed to get worse. But at this point, I was addicted to the feeling of being with someone again. I was addicted to feeling wanted and loved, so leaving wasn’t an option I was willing to entertain.
The unconscious programming in my brain that would do anything to avoid rejection kicked in. I began to justify everything that should have been a red flag. I found myself constantly doing whatever I thought I needed to do to keep Steve from rejecting me, but it never seemed to be enough. I became unconsciously obsessed with being who I thought I needed to be to win his love and approval.
Steve and I had both been through divorces and were both dealing with mental health issues. The relationship became very codependent, and I began putting my own needs aside to be his caretaker. He would never return the favor unless it was convenient for him, so I would just try harder to get him to want to return the favor.
It never worked.
As each day went by, I was becoming less and less of myself to be loved and accepted by someone who would never be able to give me what I wanted or needed. He just wasn’t capable of it. There was no possible way that I would ever be enough for him.
He ended up breaking up with me, but shortly after we resumed our relationship on a casual basis. Deep down, I didn’t feel this was showing myself respect, but I allowed it to happen because again, I was trying to be who he wanted me to be—a casual friend-with-benefits.
Our relationship eventually started to get more serious again, and it seemed we were headed back to exclusive relationship status when I found out he was dating other women behind my back. I’m so thankful I found out about this because it was the singular event that made me stop and get intentional about respecting myself.
I realized how completely I had lost myself in this dysfunctional, codependent, and toxic relationship, where my only concern was avoiding feelings of rejection and being unlovable. It was the last straw for me, and I decided I was done tolerating it. I was done abandoning myself to get something he was never going to give me.
I cut off all contact with Steve that day.
You’d think that it would be easy to leave a relationship that is toxic. I mean, who wants toxicity? But the truth is, it isn’t easy.
Why do we get into these tricky situations in the first place?
My divorce had left me in so much pain, feeling rejected and unloved, that I was willing to do anything to avoid those feelings. Instead of being discerning and heeding the red flags that were, in hindsight, obvious, I jumped in and continued the pattern of proving that I was worthy of love.
When you’re always trying to feel loved and accepted, you’ll ask yourself questions like, “Who do you need me to be to love me?” You’ll shape-shift to fit someone else’s needs and abandon your own. You may over-give, or shower your partner with gifts and affection, all in an effort to win their love so you can feel loved.
The end result is similar to being rejected because you end up feeling alone—except this time it’s because you’ve abandoned yourself and your truth.
You lose yourself, which, in the end, can be just as lonely as feeling rejected and unloved. That’s how it was for me. I spent so much time trying to prove my worth that I lost sight of who I was and what I deserved.
I didn’t realize at the time that I needed to come home to myself first and love and accept myself before anyone else could ever give that to me.
It turned out that leaving that relationship was an act of self-love and the beginning of finding peace.
Was it easy? No. There were so many feelings that came up for me when I left the relationship. There was embarrassment that I had chosen him over myself so many times. There was the loneliness and pain that go along with the end of any relationship. And, of course, there was fear that I would never find that love and acceptance that I craved so desperately.
So how did I do it? How did I find inner peace after leaving that toxic relationship?
What it really came down to was finding peace within myself.
When there is a void of some sort, we naturally want to try to fill it with something else. But when you try to fill the void with something external, it never works.
If I had kept looking to fill that void with things outside of myself after my relationship ended, I would have likely bounced from one toxic relationship to another until I learned to turn inward and fill myself up from the inside.
So how do you turn inward? Part of the reason you’ve gotten into a toxic relationship in the first place is that you don’t know how to do that.
The act of leaving the relationship was the first step for me. It was a huge step. The feeling you get when you decide you’re no longer going to pretend you’re someone you’re not in order to gain someone’s love is empowering, and gives you a little boost of confidence that you’ve got your own back.
It’s an act of love toward yourself.
At the time, I didn’t think of it as an act of love, but in unpacking it later, I can see that it was. It was the first step in rebuilding my relationship with myself.
The next part of the process for me was to reconnect with myself.
We tend to get our identities tangled up with our partners’, and it’s easy to forget who we are without our relationships. That happened to me after seventeen years of marriage, and bouncing right into an unhealthy relationship didn’t help. I spent so much time worrying about who I was being and if I was good enough to be loved that I totally lost sight of my true self.
Reconnecting with myself meant spending a lot of time with myself. I had become great at staying busy to avoid loneliness, but I knew I needed to learn how to sit with the discomfort of being alone in order to heal.
I spent a lot of time connecting with nature. I started taking myself out on solo dinner dates and I went to movies by myself. And when the loneliness didn’t feel good, I sat with it while I cried tears of sadness, learning how to show myself compassion for what I was feeling instead of pushing the feelings away.
For someone who has spent a lot of time avoiding rejection, being alone can be difficult. But it’s a necessary part of reconnecting with your truth, and you will learn, like I did, that it’s really not that bad. It’s actually refreshing and beautiful to have time with yourself.
I also reconnected with my support system. When I was in the relationship with Steve, I didn’t make my friends and family as much of a priority as I once had. In my quest for feeling loved, I became so focused on the relationship that I not only abandoned myself but also some of the most important people in my life. I made some questionable choices when I was being who I thought I needed to be for him, and after leaving the relationship, it was time for me to reconnect with my true support system.
But the most important thing I did to find peace after this toxic relationship was to learn to love myself.
I started with a list of all of the reasons I didn’t deserve to be treated the way Steve had treated me, written with dry-erase marker on my bathroom mirror. Every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of why I deserved more. I also kept a list of all the things I wanted to believe about myself. I wrote a new list each day and eventually, one by one, I started to believe the things on that list.
I made the decision not to date for a while so I could focus on strengthening my confidence in who I am without someone else. Through therapy and working with a life coach, I learned that my self-love issues were rooted in perfectionism, so I worked to lower the expectations I had for myself to a more realistic level.
I learned that I was much happier when I was just focusing on enjoying the moment being an average human. In fact, I adopted the idea that we are all just average human beings. We all have unique gifts and talents, and there is no need to compete with one another to be exceptional. Average is a fine place to be, and I found embracing this attitude helped me navigate life with more compassion toward myself and others.
The most important step I took toward self-love was learning how to surrender and accept the present moment as it is. If I was feeling a lack of self-love, I learned to sit with it and send love to the part of me that was feeling that way. I learned to not get hung up on the what-ifs and to appreciate who I am being in this very moment, which is all I know I have for certain.
The journey to loving yourself is the most important one you will ever make. Self-love is a work in progress, of course, but knowing where you’re headed helps to know who you are, know your worth, and remind you to always choose yourself unapologetically.
While the relationship with Steve was traumatic in many ways, I am grateful for it because I learned and grew so much from it. Needing to heal from the codependency and toxicity of the relationship created a beautiful space in which I was able to ground myself and find peace in knowing that no matter what, I always have my own back and I will always choose myself.
It’s a serene feeling and I wish this for you too.
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How Mindfulness Made Me an Empowered Introvert (and How It Can Help You)
“Introverts live in two worlds: We visit the world of people, but solitude and the inner world will always be our home.” ~Jenn Granneman, The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World
Never at any point in my life did I think I was an introvert. I always thought I was just a regular kid flowing with life’s experiences just like everyone else, and there was nothing strange about me.
That was until I started being told I was too quiet, serious-faced, shy, and a nerd. I liked, and still do like, my own space and doing things by myself or with a very close friend. Spending time at home surfing the web, learning new things, and obsessing over the latest technology has always been my thing.
I never liked the idea of being around groups of people, attending parties, and socializing for long periods of time because I felt weighed down and lacked energy for such activities.
I would always feel anxious and self-conscious walking outside, and whenever someone approached and started talking to me, things would end up being awkward no matter how hard I tried to keep a steady conversation going.
Such was my life. As I kept growing, it became so much of a bother that it started affecting how I perceived myself.
I became more anxious—stressed about socializing and being outside, making friends, and even expressing myself in serious situations like job interviews.
I also had a bad temper back then, and whenever I got angry, I turned into this ugly and angry bear that could not be calmed down by anyone. After my moments of anger, regret would slowly creep in, and I would chew myself up for all the mean things I’d said and done to others.
“This is not the kind of life I want to live to my old age,” I thought to myself. Being the introverted nerd I was, I decided to do deep research and look for permanent solutions to change the situation for the better.
In the research phase I stumbled upon the practice of mindfulness. The idea of training your mind to remain in the present moment and being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations was kind of interesting to me, and I felt it could work for me.
So, I took up the responsibility of learning about mindfulness and how I could get started and use it to improve upon myself.
A few years down the line, after immersing myself in the practice and doing it daily, I have seen much improvement in my life and how I do things, and I couldn’t be prouder of myself.
I have become more empowered and equipped to handle the aspects of my life that I had problems with before, and I’ve seen good results with them.
5 Ways Mindfulness Empowered Me as an Introvert
Here are the five ways mindfulness changed and improved my life for the better.
1. Mindfulness made me feel comfortable in my introvert skin.
Initially, I thought the only way my life was going to improve was by training myself to be extroverted.
I had even created a strategy of how I would slowly become more talkative and vulnerable—how I would force myself to attend more social events, talk to as many people as I could, and tell them everything about my life. Then they would feel I’m being open with them and in turn open up to me, and life would become amazing.
Looking back, that strategy was designed to help me live a lie. It was supposed to teach me to be everything besides myself, and I’m glad I didn’t get to execute the plan because I discovered mindfulness shortly after considering it.
After practicing mindfulness for a while, I became aware of my nature as an introvert and how I did things in my life. I noticed that while there were many drawbacks to introversion, there were also many advantages.
And extroverts face problems that spring from their extroversion just as introverts get criticized for their introversion.
As an introvert, I often appeared to be boring and quiet, so many people disliked me, but a friend told me that because he was an extrovert, he had many fake friends who hurt him.
That’s when I discovered no side is better than the other. Introversion and extroversion both had advantages and disadvantages.
With that realization, I became comfortable being the introvert I was, and I thought to myself, “I’m going to hold onto my nature as an introvert. It may not be perfect, but at least I won’t be living a lie by pretending to be someone I’m not.”
2. Mindfulness made me more confident.
Self-acceptance is perhaps the best thing I got from mindfulness because it helped me feel comfortable with who I was, and as a result, my confidence increased.
I no longer believed that it was bad to be an introvert and instead, focused more on the positive side of it. I also came to learn that extroverts envied me just as I envied them.
While I thought being an extrovert was cool, I remembered that extroverted friends had once told me they wished they were like me. They thought my quietness gave me a mysterious personality, and being comfortable staying alone for long periods also made me powerful and independent. Remembering this added to my overall confidence and self-acceptance.
I went from “Man, I wish I was more social and talkative!” to “Man, I love how I’m quiet and comfortable being alone!”
Also, being aware of the anxious and stressful thoughts and feelings I had when I was among people helped me realize that they were baseless, and they were just that—thoughts and feelings. Things that would keep coming and going.
They were neither the reality nor the truth.
I had created exaggerated scenarios in my mind, which made me feel anxious and awkward around people. By simply being aware of them, without doing anything, they became powerless and the social anxiety slowly disappeared from my life.
3. Mindfulness gave me mental clarity and focus.
By learning to be aware of my thoughts, sensations, and feelings in the present moment, I had fewer thoughts and was also able to have more control over my feelings. Fewer thoughts, especially the anxiety-inducing thoughts, translated to more mental clarity and focus.
Instead of having negative thoughts about how other people perceived me when I was interacting with them, or about how awkward I felt talking to them, I became more open and aware of the experience of speaking with people, and began going out more without overthinking it.
That slight change of approach made it possible for me to look people in the eye when talking to them and keep a normal and steady conversation without someone realizing I was once a “socially disabled” introvert.
On top of that, the reduction of distracting thoughts and the emotional control I got from the practice helped me improve my level of productivity in my education and work.
It turns out when you have fewer thoughts to explore, your mind can maintain focus for a long period and your attention span increases.
4. Mindfulness increased my self-awareness.
By being constantly mindful throughout the day, I was able to understand myself better. I discovered the specific areas in my life I was good at as well as those I needed to work on.
For instance, I noticed that when speaking to people, I would think before I spoke. This helped me avoid the embarrassment of saying thoughtless words that would make me look like a fool or hurt the person I was conversing with.
I also realized that while I was strong with my communication, I lacked when it came to taking action. I took many thoughtless actions, which got me into trouble.
With the tiny observations I made, and through the reflection of better approaches combined with determined and disciplined effort, I was able to improve and became a better person.
5. Mindfulness brought me peace and inner harmony.
Within a couple of years, I went from a socially awkward, constantly anxious, self-loathing person to a self-loving, more confident, mentally and emotionally stable person, which helped me feel more peaceful and in sync with myself.
I didn’t have to pretend or think and do things from an extrovert’s point of view so that I would be accepted. I accepted myself as I was and discovered how other people love my introverted traits, and this brought me a feeling of satisfaction with myself.
Moreover, I was free to think and act according to my nature, and that has made everything in my life work in harmony.
How I Made Mindfulness Work in My Life (And How You Can Too)
After researching and reading articles, watching videos, and listening to podcasts and teachings on mindfulness, I decided to take action.
I began with mindfulness meditation because it is the easiest and most rewarding first step to mindfulness. It not only helps you learn how mindfulness feels and how to cultivate it but also trains you to be mindful without much effort.
It is even more rewarding when you use guided meditations for mindfulness meditation. I worked with guided meditations for a couple of months before I could begin meditating on my own, and I saw good results.
A guided mindfulness meditation will walk you through your whole experience, with the help of an expert who’ll explain how to relax your mind and body so you can have a fulfilling session.
It’s simply the best place to start building mindfulness in your life.
I began meditating for one or two minutes and increased the duration to five minutes, then ten, and then twenty as I felt more at ease with the practice.
After I got comfortable with meditating, I started incorporating mindfulness into my daily life, practicing while eating, listening and speaking, showering, walking, and working.
These techniques really improved my level of mindfulness and helped me be more aware of myself. The best approach is to begin incorporating these techniques into your life one by one. Begin with the one you feel is easiest to work with and stick to it for a few weeks. Then take up another technique and do the same until you find it natural to do all of them throughout the day.
The goal is to do the regular activities more mindfully, and as a result, increase your moments of mindfulness through the day.
I have seen mindfulness turn my life around as an introvert, and if I was able to become that empowered through it, I believe you can too. I invite you to work closely with mindfulness and see how it can spice up your life.
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Alone Doesn’t Have to Mean Lonely: How to Be Happy by Yourself
“Sometimes, you need to be alone. Not to be lonely, but to enjoy your free time being yourself.” ~Unknown
First, let’s be clear, being alone is different than feeling lonely. The feeling of loneliness can arise even if you are not alone, or you can be alone and not feel lonely. It all comes down to the meaning your mind creates at that moment in time.
In my twenties being alone was something so triggering that I would find any distractions I could come up with to avoid it: partying, unhealthy relationships, constantly being on the go and busy… Being alone meant not being good enough—not good enough to have friends, not good enough to be in a relationship, not good enough to be loved…
I have learned over the years to truly enjoy my own company and now find being alone rejuvenating—most of the time. However, during the time of isolation and disconnection we have all lived in the past couple years, my old patterns and limiting beliefs around being alone have brought back that old, familiar discomfort with solitude on a couple of occasions.
Even if you’ve gotten to a point where you enjoy being alone most of the time, solitude can trigger some discomfort. Let’s explore ways to stop the mind from creating unnecessary pain, and learn how to enjoy being alone in those triggering moments.
1. Honor those feelings.
First and foremost, listen to what is happening within. As soon as you feel that a situation triggers difficult emotions (sadness, discomfort, anxiety…), take a breath and observe what the trigger was.
Maybe you came home from work to an empty apartment. Maybe you saw a happy family on the street, and you are going through a divorce. Maybe you spent some time on social media and saw families reunited for holidays, whereas you are away from family.
2. Do not distract yourself.
Take a breath and choose not to turn to whatever habits you might have developed to distract yourself from those uncomfortable feelings. Maybe you tend to open the fridge and eat, maybe you tend to turn on your mobile phone and scroll on social media, maybe you numb with alcohol, TV, or anything else.
Just pause.
Take a breath. Or two. Or three.
3. Trust.
Trust that you can handle the emotions that are there to be felt.
Observe the emotions’ flow, the movement of energy, with no resistance. Observe with curiosity and kindness the sensations within the body. Where are they located? Do they have a certain texture or color? What type of sensations arise? Tightness? Contraction? Sweating? Your heart beating faster?
4. Observe the thoughts and beliefs that make the feeling worse.
Observe where you mind goes.
Maybe you equate being alone with being miserable.
Maybe you think being alone means “nobody loves me.”
Maybe you equate being alone with being a failure or a burden.
Maybe you think being alone means “I will always be alone.”
As I mentioned before, I associated being alone with not being good enough.
All our beliefs come from what we’ve experienced or learned in the past. Maybe your grandmother was alone and perceived as a burden because everyone had to take care of her. Maybe in your family there was a big emphasis on being social, outgoing, and fun, going out and having friends around, and being alone meant being some type of loser.
Maybe your expectations are coming from the culture of the society you live in, expecting you to be married, having kids; and if this is not the model you are living, you might feel disappointed or you might think others might be.
Maybe it’s the optics that bother you most. “What would people think if I spend New Year’s Eve alone? What would people think if I am not married by thirty-five?”
5. Reframe what being alone means to you.
Once you observe those thoughts and beliefs and the negative impact they have on your state of being, give yourself permission to choose different beliefs.
Are those beliefs absolute truth? Or are they a construct of your mind and society? Are those constructs serving you well? Do you know someone who is single and happy? Do you know someone who chose to be alone for New Year’s Eve and enjoyed it? Are any of your single friends happy and free? Don’t you long sometimes to be alone, quiet, at peace
Are you ready to let go of those beliefs? If so, take a breath and make the decision that those beliefs are gone for good. Visualize them dissipating into the air as you breathe out.
Maybe reframe being alone as being free. Doing anything you would like to do, when you want to do it. Maybe being alone means being strong and independent.
Maybe being alone means being quiet, being at peace. Maybe being alone is simply giving yourself time to rest and rejuvenate.
The truth is that being alone only has the meaning you create for it, so choose a better belief. A belief that serves you right here, right now.
6. Do more of the things that energize you.
Now that you’re not attaching a meaning to being alone, learn to enjoy your own company by doing things you love to do, on your own.
- Go for a walk in nature. Nature has a way of bringing you back to your true self, your natural self, to a state of balance and peace. Nature is non-judgmental. Nature is beautiful. And you are nature. So spend time outside. In winter, in summer, on a rainy or sunny day. Breathe, look, observe, feel.
- Read an inspiring book from one of your favorite authors or spiritual teachers.
- Listen to the music you love and give yourself permission to dance.
- find a guided meditation that you truly enjoy and cultivate a peaceful, elevated state of being.
- Move your body. Yoga is one of my favorites because it is a full mind-body-spirit practice, but anything from rock climbing to dancing could work—or any type of exercise you enjoy. Get the energy flowing.
- Sign up for something you always wanted to do or learn, online or offline, like painting classes or singing lessons.
Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely if you stop judging yourself and let yourself enjoy your solitude.
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The Benefits of Solitude and How to Get the Most from Your Alone Time
“Understand that healing and growing can distance you from people who you once had a bond with, and it can also bring you closer to those who will heal and grow with you. The time in between can be difficult, but there is so much to learn in solitude.” ~ @themoontarot
There have been many occasions in my life where I’ve felt lonely. Some of these times I remember as incredibly painful; other times, I’ve relished in my solitude.
During some periods, I’ve even forced myself into seclusion, which comes easily to me as an introvert.
One thing all of these solo experiences have taught me is that it’s okay to be alone. In fact, with solitude, there’s a lot of self-growth to be had.
In today’s day and age, we’re expected to be social creatures. With the rise of instant messaging and social media, it’s easy (and addicting) to stay connected all the time.
This doesn’t mean it’s healthy, though. In fact, I’ve come to realize that solitude can be incredibly rewarding in a vast number of ways.
The Benefits of Solitude
Many nights of solitude have brought me epiphany moments. Ones where I have figured out what I actually want to do with my life. Ones where I’ve realized my spiritual path, and ones that have fueled new, exciting creative ideas.
Many authors, artists, musicians, and philosophers have attributed their best work to time spent in solitude. As Aldous Huxley once said, “The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.”
We need time alone because…
- We can gain a deeper sense of self-knowledge when we are alone and can see what is important for us as well as what we need.
- We are better able to acknowledge our feelings and deep desires when nothing external, such as other people’s thoughts, perceptions, or expectations, stands in our way.
- We get space to quietly reflect and reassess, asking ourselves the questions that truly matter.
- We recuperate and recharge (especially necessary for introverts) when alone, which allows us to be more present with others when socializing.
- We can tap into our intuition and learn to trust ourselves and our decision-making.
By no means am I encouraging isolation. It’s not healthy to spend all our time alone.
However, I do want to challenge those feelings of discomfort that often arise when thinking of solitude.
Why Are So Many People Fearful of Solitude?
There’s no denying that for some, the idea of spending a day alone, without interaction, isn’t appealing whatsoever. Why is this?
Being busy, out and about with others, is a good distraction technique. When we’re surrounded by people, engaged in activity, we don’t face to face ourselves or our feelings.
Are you the type of person who has to be on the phone with others when walking to the store? Or, perhaps you feel a strong sense of disconnection after a few hours of no in-person interaction. Either way, you’re not alone.
Many people fear solitude because it’s unfamiliar. We don’t know what will happen when we finally face ourselves and are left alone with our thoughts and feelings, so we avoid it. But when we avoid being alone, we miss out on all the growth, healing, and creative inspiration that solitude can facilitate.
So, how do we move away from a place of fear when thinking about solitude to embracing its possibilities?
My Own Experience of Solitude
As a child, I was often content spending time alone drawing, writing, reading, and exploring the great outdoors.
During my school years I leaned into spending time with others, growing neglectful of my time with myself. The pressures of friendship groups, being sociable, and even ‘normal’ all took over my love for being alone.
By the time I’d graduated from university and stepped into the working world, I was so accustomed to spending time surrounded by people, I barely knew who I was anymore.
Coupled with confusion surrounding my career, a few failed relationships, and trauma from my childhood, I found myself in my mid-twenties reaching a pit of despair.
Following a messy breakup after a toxic relationship, living back at my parents’ house with no money, no job, and no self-love, I was forced into solitude.
I found myself alone in one of the darkest periods of my life, and it led to what I believed at the time to be an inescapable depression.
Each morning I’d wake up and lock myself away in my parents’ spare bedroom. I had few friends in town since I’d previously moved away to London, and I didn’t reach out to those I was still connected with because I was afraid they’d judge me.
It was just me and my cat spending hours alone in a small, dark bedroom. I cried a lot and I continually isolated myself. I hated the feeling of being alone, but in hindsight I needed solitude.
I was about to discover something magical—my inner strength and an infinite love of the universe.
What Solitude Brought into My Life
My story of the most profound period of solitude in my life isn’t a necessarily pleasant one, but I now recognize it as a turning point in my life.
When my depression hit rock bottom and I was feeling suicidal, I was overwhelmed with this inner strength that seemed to come from nowhere. It urged me to listen to what solitude was trying to teach me and helped me reconnect with my true self.
I had a new determination to pull myself out of my current state of despair and step into new territory. Unbeknown to me, I was about to enhance my spiritual journey and discover peace.
It was during a meditation session one night that I felt a warmth and deep love within me. I knew that there was a way out of my sadness, that being alone had the potential to teach me more than any book could.
In the days following my realization and connection with a power I still can’t describe to this day, I gained the courage to step outside the house.
I started noticing things around me on my solo walks like the vividness of nature’s colors, the soothing sounds of the river, and the tangible beauty everywhere around me.
I also noticed for the first time that everything is connected. All that is in the universe, is the universe itself.
How to Embrace Solitude
Even if you live with family, a partner, or roommates, there is always an opportunity to implement some intentional alone time.
For the most experienced spiritual folk, silence and solitude go hand in hand. However, for the sake of accustoming yourself to the intentional practice of solitude, you can start with the basics.
Here are three practices that can heighten your alone time:
1. Meditation
Meditating in solitude can be an extraordinary experience. It enhances your ability to be present as you focus on just being.
Sitting in silence and stillness can also decrease your stress, boost your mental health, increase your self-awareness, help you foster self-acceptance, and deepen your self-compassion.
For me, meditation has been an ongoing practice, though not always consistent, that has brought about a deeper connection with myself and the universe.
2. Journaling
Daily writing is a wonderful practice to enhance your solitude. Writing leads to self-awareness and personal insight and facilitates creativity because inspiration often arises during quiet moments of reflection.
Writing allows you to listen to the quiet voice inside your head, and it encourages you to ask yourself questions about what you truly want.
Journaling continues to be one of the biggest tools I use in my moments of solitude. I gain creative insights and feel attuned to my emotions thanks to penning my journal each day.
3. Connect with nature
Taking a meditative walk in nature is soothing for the soul and a guaranteed way to perk up our mood.
It may also lead to a greater sense of spiritual connection as you consider the larger, powerful natural force behind everything within the universe.
A lot of my inner happiness is dependent on the time I spend outdoors alone. I find I’m at my most peaceful when walking in the woods or by the sea.
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However you choose to practice solitude, I encourage you to do the following.
1. Get rid of distractions
When you choose to spend time alone, really commit to your solitude. It’s tempting to grab your phone and mindlessly scroll social media or watch a YouTube video, but be disciplined and keep distractions at bay.
Your time in solitude won’t be valuable if you’re just distracting yourself. Instead, lean into spending time on your own and what the space can teach you.
2. Make it a priority.
Everyone has the time to dedicate to themselves. Even if it feels uncomfortable, or you feel strange rejecting a social invitation, don’t make excuses to avoid being with yourself.
The more comfortable you get with spending time alone doing things you love and reconnecting with yourself, the more connected you’ll feel to others. Self-love comes from solitude and with this love, you can give more to those you want to share it with.
I Challenge You to Spend Time Alone Intentionally
It probably won’t feel great the first time, and you’re likely to look for a way out of it, but spending time alone is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
There is so much self-growth to be had when you spend time nourishing the relationship you have with yourself.
I’m sending you the warmest wishes and all the good vibes as you embark upon spending (and loving) your time in solitude.
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Why I Never Fit in Anywhere and the One Realization That’s Changed Everything
“Don’t force yourself to fit where you don’t belong.” ~Unknown
When I was young, I was a real daddy’s girl. He was so proud of me and took me everywhere with him.
When my parents got divorced and my dad moved away to start a new life with a new family, I didn’t understand why he left, as I was still a child. I thought that he didn’t love me anymore. I felt abandoned and rejected. Perhaps if I’d been better behaved, prettier, cleverer then he wouldn’t have left me?
Until recently, I didn’t realize the impact that this has had on my adult relationships.
Because I fear abandonment and rejection, I’ve struggled to fit in and make friends.
I had a relationship with an older man who was very similar to my dad. I hoped that he would provide me with the love and affection that I didn’t get from my father and would heal my wounds. However, while things started off great and I thought I had found the one, since the relationship felt like home and was so familiar, he was actually emotionally unavailable, just like my dad, and unable to commit.
When he started to pull away, this triggered my insecurity. This caused me to pursue him more, as I desperately wanted this relationship work.
I tried to change myself into what I thought he wanted. I became clingy and jealous, which only drove him further away. When the relationship finally ended and he found someone else, I couldn’t understand why he could love her but not me. What was wrong with me? It confirmed my greatest fear, that I was unlovable and unwanted.
This pattern continued to follow me in my relationships, which left me feeling more unloved and rejected.
So I threw myself into my career. I had done well academically, however, I struggled to fit in and make friends there too.
I was good at my job, but I didn’t feel valued or appreciated and I was often ignored, excluded, and ostracized by my fellow team members. My workplace became a toxic environment. I was bullied, which led to anxiety and depression, and I couldn’t face going into work. Eventually I was let go, as they said I could no longer do my job.
Since my identity was tied up with being a successful career woman, when I no longer had a career, I didn’t know who I was. What was my purpose in life now? I was at the halfway stage of my life with no family of my own and no job. I took everything that other people had said and done to me very personally.
I shut myself away at home. I didn’t go out or socialize. I was on medication for anxiety and depression, and I just wanted to stay in bed. What was the point of getting up? I was worthless, I had no value, no one wanted me, I didn’t fit in anywhere. I couldn’t love myself, as others didn’t love me. I had no self-esteem and no confidence to try to start again.
I had therapy, read lots of self-help books and articles, and did guided meditations. Although I could relate to everything, I struggled to apply the things I had learned to myself.
As I spent time alone, listening to relaxing music, I had a lightbulb moment. I couldn’t see straight before then because I was so emotional. However, I am naturally a very logical and analytical person, and good at solving problems, which is why I was good at my job.
The idea came to me that if I took the emotions out of my issues, then I could see them in a logical and rational way and try to solve them like any other puzzle.
And then I thought, what if I saw my whole life as a jigsaw puzzle? It’s a perfect analogy, really, since my lifelong struggle has been fitting in.
Visualizing Our Lives as Jigsaw Puzzles
Each of us start with just one piece—ourselves.
When we start the puzzle at birth, it is easiest to join the first two pieces together—ourselves and our family.
As we grow up, we try to find other pieces that fit—friends, romantic relationships, jobs. We may be lucky and find other pieces that fit perfectly straight away, but more often than not we struggle to find the right pieces, and in our frustration, we may even try to force two pieces together that don’t actually fit. However, if we do this, we find over time that none of the other pieces seem to work together.
No matter how much time we have already invested in this ill-fitting piece—be it an unhealthy relationship or a job that doesn’t align with our purpose and values—we will eventually realize that we have to accept reality and remove the piece that we tried to force to work. This is the only way to make room for a new piece that will fit perfectly into place. A piece we won’t even try to find if we’re too attached to the one that doesn’t fit.
This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, or the other piece we tried to force to fit, which means we don’t need to blame ourselves or them. We simply need to recognize we don’t fit together, and then learn the lessons we need to learn to stop repeating the same patterns.
This also doesn’t mean that we made a mistake with the ill-fitting piece. Every time we try to make the “wrong” things fit, we learn the value of taking our time to find the right piece.
Sometimes we learn that we need to focus on another area of the puzzle first—if, for example, we realize we need to take a break from relationships so we can build up our self-esteem and learn to love ourselves first.
And sometimes when we’re having difficulty with one section of the puzzle, like love, we recognize that we need to focus on a different area instead, where it might be easier to find the right pieces—like our career or social life, for example.
When we connect with like-minded people who have similar hobbies or interests and enjoy our company, we feel better about ourselves and start to realize how great we truly are.
If we change jobs to something we love, that shows off our strengths and enables us to succeed, this improves our confidence and helps us realize that we’re good enough and we do add value.
Once we become happier with ourselves and other areas of our life, we’ll send out more positive vibes into the world and attract the right kind of people. And we’ll have enough self-worth to recognize people who are not right for us and not waste our time.
If we don’t do these things, we may complete the puzzle, with all the elements of our life neatly in place and find that we have a piece left over. That piece is you or me, and it doesn’t fit because it was in the wrong box and never meant for this puzzle.
That was why we struggled to fit in—we chose things in all areas of our lives that were never right for us. So the problem wasn’t us, it was where we trying to force ourselves to fit.
It may feel daunting to start over, but when we find the right puzzle we belong to, everything stops feeling like a struggle because we slot easily into place. We will end up with a different picture than we originally imagined, but it will feel much better, because our piece will finally fit.
Where Am I Now?
After spending half my life struggling to fit in and complete my jigsaw puzzle, I have realized that I am the piece left over, and it’s now time to start again and find the right puzzle that I belong to. This time, I’m starting with the most foundational pieces first—self-love, self-confidence, self-worth.
There was never anything wrong with me. I just needed to recognize my patterns so I could stop trying to force things that weren’t right. I know my pieces are out there. And so long as I let go of the wrong ones, I know, in time, I’ll find them.
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How to Create Happiness Outside of a Relationship and Enjoy More of Your Life
“Remember, being happy doesn’t mean you have it all. It simply means you’re thankful for all you have.” ~Unknown
For many years I was single. But I wasn’t just a regular single, I was a miserable one.
Rather than enjoying a time in my life when I didn’t have to care about anyone else but myself and using it to devote my full attention to my purpose and passions, I chose to ride the “woe is me” train.
I would complain about being single daily and covet other women’s “luck” in dating. I would blame every guy I dated for “just not being ready,” or somehow else at fault.
I didn’t realize I was the common denominator in all my failed relationship attempts.
I was the one who chose to spend time with these men and ignore the big red flags that would crystalize themselves early on.
Instead of taking time to patiently vet and reject men that were not good for me, I allowed my desperation to entertain any man that would show interest.
My inability to find happiness outside of a relationship was ultimately what kept me single.
The saying “you attract what you are” was true in my case. I was miserable single, so I kept attracting miserable relationships.
I continued down the same path until I decided that something needed to change.
I realized that I had outsourced the job of making me happy to the many men that I dated.
Their presence, their commitment, and their interest in me would determine how happy I was. Unfortunately, due to my questionable taste in romantic partners, that would often mean not so happy. So, I decided it was time to change that.
That is when things started to shift, and I called in the life and love that I wanted. Here is what I did to find happiness outside of a relationship:
Dealing with the Absence of a Relationship
One thing I have learned is that in the absence of a romantic relationship I had to find fulfilling activities that made me happy.
When you are single you have a lot of time. Time to think about everything you feel is missing.
I would spend my evenings watching romantic movies on Hallmark wishing my life were like the plotline of the movie.
And more often than not, all it did was make me more miserable. So, I decided to utilize that free time in the evening in a better way.
I came up with a beautiful nighttime routine that included coloring, listening to music, and reading a book on spirituality or personal growth.
I would fill the void with activities that filled me up.
Same for the morning times. Instead of lying in bed and scrolling through Instagram until all I saw were couples and babies, I started running.
Not only did I get into the best shape of my life because of it, but I also discovered a new passion for running and working out that quickly turned into a hobby I’m now passionate about.
By dealing with the absence of a relationship head-on I found activities that made me happy.
Dealing with the Sadness of Singleness
The second thing I did to find happiness outside of a relationship was learn to deal with the sadness that singleness often brings with it.
It’s no secret that being single can suck.
No matter how often single people are made to believe that being single is a blessing, it can be hard to see it when that blessing seems to last forever.
What I have learned is that rather than avoiding, suppressing, and denying the sadness, I had to learn to embrace it.
I needed to allow the ebbs and flows to pan out accordingly. By deeply feeling the sadness and despair, I also enabled myself to feel the joy and excitement that followed after.
Reminding yourself that no emotion lasts forever, and that you will eventually overcome it, is the light at the end of the tunnel that keeps you going.
Therefore, you must make it a habit to tune into your inner well-being daily. Here are three ways I do it:
1. Start your mornings with a meditation practice that centers you and puts you in tune with how you are really feeling.
2. Start journaling your thoughts to better understand your fears and worries. You can commit a few minutes in the morning or evening to it.
3. Commit to a daily gratitude exercise. Multiple times throughout the day, stop what you are doing and simply list three to five things you are grateful for. They can be as simple things as your home, furniture, or the body parts that serve you well.
There are many different habits that you can choose from. The only thing that matters is that you create a safe space and routine that allows you to feel your emotions without judging them.
This will help you deal with the sadness of singleness.
Dealing with the Uncertainty of Dating
The last thing I had to learn in order to find happiness outside of a relationship was how to navigate through the dating space without feeling burned out or discouraged.
Dating nowadays feels like you are entering the twilight zone. With many different terms and stages describing the act of dating, many people are not sure what they are doing anymore.
Are you dating, hanging out, hooking up, or maybe just “chilling”?
If you don’t know, chances are you are stressed by the uncertainty. And that feeling of anxiety sucks.
It’s a constant ride on a roller coaster of emotions controlled by the other person.
So, how can you learn to deal with the uncertainty that dating oftentimes brings with it?
The first step is to increase your self-esteem and remind yourself that your relationship status does not determine your worth.
When a romantic relationship does not progress the way you want, you may feel discouraged and disappointed. These feelings are valid and should be honored; however, you have to remember that they are only feelings. That means they will pass.
Instead, use affirmations to build yourself up daily and celebrate all your minor successes, the positive impact you have on the people around you, and how far you’ve come as a person. This will help you remember all the great qualities you bring to a relationship and will be a blessing to the person you are with in the future.
The second step is to focus on the fun.
In a world of billions of people, it may take some time to find the one person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, who happens to want the same.
Uncertainty is part of the dating process. Rather than shying away from it, try to focus on the fun of dating. Meet people without any expectations and instead decide to just have a good time and enjoy their company.
By doing that, you will naturally feel less anxious, because you are not trying to control your date’s experience, only your own.
Because of today’s societal pressure to be boo’d up by a certain age, it can often feel depressing when you are not in a committed relationship. Which then leads to unhappiness.
However, by taking matters into your own hands and deciding to create happiness for yourself, you allow yourself to experience life and live in the present moment.
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How Singles Can Come Out Stronger After the Pandemic
“Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive.” ~Jamais Cascio
The pandemic has forced us to avoid people, self-isolate, and keep to ourselves.
It might seem like you’re in a position where you don’t have many options. You can’t freely hang out with your friends. You can’t have fun like you used to. Your dating and socializing opportunities are limited. These setbacks can bring to the fore feelings of loneliness, deepen the longing for relationships, and highlight your innate desire for connection.
I know how easy it is to get sucked into a hole of despair, loneliness, and paralysis and to wait for better times to come.
I am not single now, but my life has forced me to embrace being single in the past. I formerly spent ten years trying to find love online. I created lots of drama, frustration, and pain for myself. I reached the point of emotional exhaustion and needed to rebuild my sense of self and find my own power again. I then went on a dating detox for two years and never looked back.
During this time, I focused entirely on creating an amazing relationship with myself. I learned how to hold, support, and provide for myself. I learned how to enjoy being single. I embraced feeling lonely and learned how to soothe my uncomfortable emotions.
All of the methods and techniques I’ve shared below helped me find the inner resources for a better and more fulfilling life as a single.
As a deep believer in the saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” I encourage you to turn within to find your resilience. Stop waiting and start thriving now.
Since finding love might be slightly more difficult right now, use this time to learn more about yourself, deepen your relationship with yourself, and befriend your loneliness.
Ultimately, we are the architect of our own destiny. We all have the power to decide how we want to feel and what actions we need to take to thrive rather than just survive. If you take these actions, you’ll end up stronger, clearer, and more empowered.
Here are a few suggestions on how you can use this pandemic to your benefit:
1. Be gentle with yourself.
You have valid reasons to be all over the place emotionally right now. One day, things might look bright and easy. On another day, you might feel down and demotivated. Recognize it. Acknowledge it. Have compassion for yourself. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Let’s face it: these are unprecedented times. You need to adjust your expectations of yourself to the current circumstances. It’ll feel hard and challenging at times. Allow it all. Without judgment. It is what it is, and you’re doing your best.
Take it one day at a time. Have a plan or structure in place every day if that helps you keep going. If the going gets tough, take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being. Through meditation and mindfulness, you can reduce your anxiety and loneliness, find blessings in every day (no matter how boring and limited it may be), and increase your joy and contentment.
2. Befriend your loneliness.
Have a date with your loneliness. Let’s call it your “Silence & Solitude Session.” You can do it when you’re having your morning coffee or smoothie, or whenever you feel overwhelmed by loneliness. Just sit down, turn off all distractions (like your phone), and be present with your feelings.
Find the feeling of loneliness in your body. Feel how warm or cold it is. What color it is. What shape it is. Explore why you feel the way you feel. What triggered this feeling? What is the thought behind this feeling? Does your loneliness have any message for you?
Treat it like a wave of energy going through your body—energy that wants to be released and transmuted. Like every wave, it comes and goes. Every feeling is transient. No emotion lasts forever. Eventually, they all pass, and much more quickly if you stop resisting and judging them.
If you prefer to shift your feelings by doing something physical, just drop everything and dance, exercise, or go for a hike. Even a quick cleaning session around the house can quickly change your state by moving the energy. By the end of your exploration, your loneliness won’t have as much power over you.
When I became intimate with my own loneliness, it didn’t paralyze me as much or feel as scary. I was able to embrace it, release it, and find peace and comfort in solitude.
3. Take care of your inner child.
Whenever you feel flat, sad, angry, or frustrated, sit down, close your eyes, and connect with your inner child to help give them what they need.
You might see them. You might feel them. Get closer to them. Spend a few moments being, chatting, and playing with them.
When you feel like it’s the right moment, ask them what they need right now. Give them space and wait for the answers. The answers will flow, and you might be surprised by what they are. Then you can reassure them that you’re always there for them and want to fulfill their needs.
When I did this exercise during a particularly lonely period, I recognized that my inner child needed more fun and connection. She felt lonely because I’d been neglecting her and ignoring her need for play.
If your inner child also feels smothered by life’s busyness and seriousness, let them out and engage in fun, playful activities. Have a fancy dance party (invite your friends over Zoom!). Have a karaoke session and sing at the top of your lungs. Get dirty with paints or clay. Grab a box of markers and paper and draw how you feel.
Let them express themselves through creativity. It doesn’t matter what you create or what it looks like in the end. The process of playing and creating will do the healing.
4. Use social media to create connection, not to numb yourself.
Limit your social media time and use it with intent. Facetime friends, connect with your family, reach out to friends you haven’t spoken with for years and check out how they’re doing. Be creative. Maybe a cooking session with a friend over Zoom or a dinner with a sibling using WhatsApp.
These interactions are priceless. They’ll give you a sense of connection and boost your mood. Mindlessly scrolling through FB or Instagram stories won’t. It can create the opposite effect. Often it can make you feel even more isolated and feeling like you don’t belong. It can trigger “comparisonitis”—the feeling that you’re falling behind on your goals/projects when compared to others you see online. It will only bring you down.
Examine what triggers you to grab your phone, how often, when, and what feelings you try to numb by scrolling through social media without purpose. Then find healthier ways to address your emotions—for example, doing something fun if you’re bored or journaling if you’re feeling down on yourself.
You’ll stop wasting so much time, and you’ll have more of it to explore new things that bring you joy and pleasure. Perhaps deleting certain apps from your phone is a good idea. Or designating certain times per day for social media rather than doing it whenever you feel like it. Experiment and see what changes in your life.
5. Spend time in nature.
You might recognize the healing power of nature but limit yourself to indoor activities because it’s easier, or because it’s cold outside. But even in the colder months, nature can bring you comfort. It can uplift you. It can help you cleanse your energy and emotions. It can inspire you and give you insights, whether it’s a brisk walk in a nearby park or just stepping outside into your garden barefoot.
Feel the ground, grass, sand, or even snow, depending on what’s available where you are. Look up into the sky. Listen to the trees. Pause for a moment and be present with what is present. Deep breathing while being present will help you oxygenate your body and get the energy flowing.
If you’re more adventurous, why not travel to a new location and explore something new? Find a forest or national reserve. Pack a sandwich or two and enjoy exploring a new place. Spending a day surrounded by nature will fill your soul up and refresh you mentally. It will move the stagnant energy and bring some new inspiration.
6. Keep your vision alive.
I know you needed to put everything on hold, and little is available at the moment. Some of your plans needed to change. Some projects got suspended. But please don’t let your dreams and your vision die inside of you. The pandemic is temporary. You can use the extra time you have to deepen and clarify your dreams and goals or find your purpose.
Keep drawing your vision of your future in your mind daily. Take a few minutes each day to create your future. Grab your journal or just sit for a moment and reconnect with your dreams. Review your aspirations. Revisit your goals. Check in with yourself and see what’s still important, what you want to let go of, and what new plans you have.
Here are a few journal prompts to get you going:
- Has anything changed in terms of your dreams and goals?
- Do you still want the same things?
- What do you want?
- What is not important anymore?
- What new things do you want to create?
7. Re-evaluate your relationships.
Use this time to re-evaluate your relationships, standards, and boundaries.
If you dare to be honest with yourself and see how you’ve contributed to your mistakes and poor choices in love, you can draw lessons and strength from them—and avoid unnecessary frustration, heartache, and drama in the future.
Take some time to identify what you want and don’t want in your next relationship and what you don’t want to compromise on. This will help you become the best version of yourself and attract the right kind of partner with your powerful energy and uncompromised standards and values.
Here are some journaling prompts to help you uncover your strengths and give you more clarity:
- What have you learned about yourself from your previous relationships?
- How have you become stronger as a result of your previous relationships?
- In what way have the previous relationships prepared you for success in your next one?
- What are you not available for anymore?
- What will you do differently in your next relationship?
When I did this exercise while single, I recognized that I was an extreme overgiver and I had no boundaries. No wonder I felt drained after every relationship and needed time to recover. I put some new boundaries in place and balanced my people-pleasing tendencies, and that enabled me to attract true love.
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When you apply the points above, you might improve your relationship with yourself and start enjoying being single more. You’ll also be more ready for successful dating when dating becomes easier. When you get yourself through tough times, you have a new appreciation for yourself, a stronger sense of self, and more clarity about what you’re available and not available for.
This will, like nothing else, positively affect your future romantic choices, who you date, and who you allow into your life.
There is some higher purpose to this isolation. Use this time to strengthen yourself so you can be ready for expansion in every area of your life once we’re on the other side of the pandemic.
