Tag: aggravated

How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

Uh-oh, you did it again.

You fell into the same trap as last week.

Perhaps someone was driving in front of you going 20 in a 55 mph zone, or maybe you received terrible customer service and couldn’t get your refund.

So you snapped and lost your temper.

Whatever the reason for your explosive reaction, you haven’t yet found a way to keep control and remain calm.

Becoming impatient and losing your temper is sort of like smoking cigarettes. Sure, one or a few hundred won’t kill you.

But compounded over time it’ll secretly damage you from within by alienating yourself, negatively influencing your kids, and indirectly pushing your spouse or close ones away.

Despite your situation being a big deal, you may not know where to begin to fix it.

You feel powerless to control it, so you continue sweeping it under the rug.

How I Unknowingly Inherited and Cultivated an Unwanted Trait

For most of my life and practically all stressful encounters, I’d become frustrated and lose my temper. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously “practicing” negativity each time I did that.

I was acting out an unwanted behavior repeatedly, over and over to the point of mastering pessimism.

I displayed an objectionable outburst for every resented encounter.

Practice makes perfect, after all. And ultimately, I perfected being negative.

Sigh … an unwanted skill so simple to obtain.

My dad learned it from my grandpa, I learned it from my dad, and I’ve unintentionally passed it on to my two little daughters.

My impatience infected my family. This endless cycle needed to end.

For years, my family stuck with me no matter what, and my guilt coaxed me into trying to finally put a stop to it all.

I tried many things over the years to conquer my impatience—everything from meditation to conscious laughter—and while these methods might help others, they didn’t really work for me.

So I struggled trying new tactics—until I found what worked.

Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve finally conquered it with the following techniques:

1. Curse if you have to.

We all know cursing is a bad habit to begin with, but we need to start somewhere, especially when reacting to situations that set us off.

The moment you instinctively curse, take that as your audible cue to immediately inhale deeply. Visualize negative energy purging from your body as you exhale.

Repeat a few more times to generate a feeling of calm and control.

It can be hard to quit cursing cold turkey, so allow yourself to curse, notice when you do, and then use breathing exercises to calm yourself down.

You’re ultimately aiming to replace your expletives with calming breaths the instant a stressful situation arises.

It’s advisable to curse when alone—not at others or around those who might be offended (such as parents with children).

2. Do not walk away to cool off.

Instead of walking away to cool off, do the opposite and face the stress head-on by training your brain to “visualize calm” at the moment the stress occurs.

I found that walking away is like a pause button. It only delays the inevitable but doesn’t fix the root of the problem. I wasn’t reprogramming my brain to react positively when the stimuli occurred.

So for me, visualizing calm was my baby daughter sleeping; for others, a waterfall may do.

When losing our cool, we snap without thinking.

By forcing yourself to visualize calm the moment the stress takes place, you are essentially diffusing it as a potential trigger.

You’re nipping it in the bud before it escalates.

3. Fight stress with more stress.

Creatively think of another stressful situation that’s ten times bigger than the one you have now, then juxtapose them to realize that your initial stress isn’t such a big deal anymore.

These two stressors should be related to each other for this to work.

So what’s worse: being late for a job interview, or getting into a mangled car wreck because you were tailgating?

4. Learn to love your enemy in less than sixty seconds.

Instead of becoming irate toward the person you feel has wronged you, visualize a loving family member, a caring friend, or anyone close to you in their place instead.

Imagine for a moment that you’re driving to work going the speed limit when all of a sudden someone going half your speed abruptly cuts in front of you, prompting you to slam on your brakes.

If that were a stranger, you would lose your mind in a heartbeat.

But you can change the whole dynamic. If it were your mother, you would relax in a second and be thankful you didn’t accidentally hurt her.

You’ll feel an overwhelming sense of peace and accomplishment when you can throw your ego out the window and care about a total stranger.

And what if the person you’re frustrated by is a family member? For me, this one’s easy. I think of one caring act they have done for me in the past.

5. Apply the asteroid scenario test.

Simply put, if an asteroid hit Earth and life as we know it was about to end, you’d have a choice:

Would you really spend your final days stressing and worrying about something you have absolutely no control over?

Or would you be happy with your loved ones with whatever time you have left?

Extreme situation, I know, but you need to decide and move forward.

Learn to ascertain what you cannot control and acknowledge this with unwavering acceptance. Then focus on positive steps you can control instead.

6. Accept criticism gracefully.

By accepting criticism without malice, you are neutralizing any tension and strengthening your poise under pressure. You can think of it as psychological judo by redirecting someone else’s verbal attacks away from you.

Yes, you will feel hurt and angry, and you’ll feel the sting afterward. That’s completely normal.

But instead of retaliating impulsively and getting into a heated argument, remember that you can either leave this unstable mess as it is or you can add more fuel to the fire and make it bigger than it already is.

Choose wisely and pick the lesser of the two evils.

No matter what situation you face, know this fact:

You have the power to make a choice. Never, ever give that power away.

Don’t waste your precious energy on things that accomplish absolutely nothing.

I’ve Finally Arrived

It’s quite an achievement: I feel closer to my family than ever.

I gradually see my daughters “unlearning” how to be impatient. They followed suit without being aware of it.

It’s a work in progress, but pleasing nonetheless.

It’s simply amazing how others absorb your warm energy.

I communicate so much easier with my loving wife too. Of course, we do have minor quibbles here and there, but we don’t have any sarcastic sharp-tongue arguments now!

Everything feels healthy and balanced.

Start Small in the Right Direction

Engaging in stress is a daily ritual all of us fall victim to with absolute ease.

Make a conscious effort to catch yourself if you falter.

Wait too long and you risk boiling it over. It’s too late if you’re already worked up.

And if you’re dead-set on knowing you’ll fail, you will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So take a stand.

Make an effort to change for the better each instance you feel something simmering from within you.

Use perseverance as a vehicle to your destination.

Your family, everyone close to you, and your own happy life are waiting for you.

No stress image via Shutterstock

June 11, 2015
9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ~Mark Twain

I am in serious danger, and I think you might be too.

I am in danger of becoming a grumpy old person. I get angry easily. I operate on a short fuse, ready to snap or explode at the littlest thing.

I could blame it on a combination of genetics and environment. My father seems to have only two moods, and one of them is angry.

He is like a volcano and can explode at any moment. And I don’t mean he’s just cranky or that he yells.

No. When he loses it, he really loses it. Emotionally and physically.

He tenses every muscle in his body, clenches his fists, sticks his jaw out, and says things like, “Eeeoourgh!!!”

He is a fireball of white-hot fury. Irrational, unreasonable, and perverse.

As a child, I never knew whether I would be hugged or hit. I desperately wanted his approval and love, but often I incurred his wrath.

As a teenager, I learned to fight back, yell as loudly, and be as demanding as he was. As an adult, I learned two key components that comprise anger.

There’s the emotion that can envelope you in a moment, instantly causing you to become irrational and almost uncontrollable. And there are the situations or environments that have the potential to lead to anger, if we let them.

I could let anger rule my life, but I refuse to do that, damn it! So I employ some simple anger management techniques instead.

I am still in serious danger, but with these tools, I think I’ve found a way out.

1. Follow a process.

Create a process for managing situations that often trigger anger. When someone does something that upsets you, take a deep breath and trust in the process.

One process I use to express my feelings calmly is to describe the behavior and explain my emotional response.

So, I’d say something like, “When you yell at me, I feel hurt and upset,” or, “When you behave this way, I feel really angry.” It helps identify the problem and my emotions. It also helps me feel in control and prevents me from resorting to useless, blaming behavior.

2. Tap it out.

Try a little tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT is a healing tool that helps reduce deep emotional responses so we can manage our lives more calmly.

The whole EFT process includes a tapping routine and a mantra, but I find a simplified version just as effective.

When you feel an intense emotion, just use your first two fingers and tap your collarbone until you feel calmer. If you start tapping quickly and then gradually slow your rhythm, you’ll find yourself calming down.

Sometimes, when I feel like tensing up and yelling, “Eeeoourgh!” myself, I go to the bathroom and tap until I feel calmer. Then I can handle the situation rationally.

3. Think about your belly button.

Centering is a super-simple technique that even a child can use. All you do is focus your mind on your belly button, or rather, just a smidge below your belly button.

As you focus, tense those muscles and draw your belly button in toward your spine. If you’ve done any Pilates or yoga, you’ll be familiar with these deep abdominal muscles.

Doing this exercise is truly calming and empowering. It puts you in a state of calm control, so you’re less likely to react and lash out. I sometimes close my eyes for a moment and focus on my belly button. When I open my eyes and continue centering, I can operate more calmly and coherently.

4. Lighten up.

Anger appears when we’re frustrated, but if you stand back from the situation a little, you might see it’s quite ludicrous. Not always, but often. Before you blow your stack, stand back and see if you can find something silly about what’s happening.

I remember being frustrated by an organization I worked for when they arranged a breakfast for us to discuss strategies to improve our work-life balance.

They wanted us to get up hours earlier than usual and spend extra time with our colleagues so we could talk about ways we could spend less time with them. How ridiculous!

5. Practice daily calm.

We can experience anger and frustration almost daily, and the more we experience it, the more it becomes our way of operating.

When you commit to practicing daily calm, you counteract the anger. You practice something much more beneficial to your health and well-being.

This doesn’t have to be hard. Just spend a moment or two doing nothing, whenever you can. Sit quietly and realize that you’re doing nothing, and see how calming it is.

6. Get curious.

The next time you find your anger rising, divert your energy into curiosity. Get really curious about the other person’s perspective.

Keep asking questions until you fully understand the other person’s opinion. Once you do, you’ll be in a better position to discover a solution that suits everyone.

Recently, my daughter was extremely trying, and I saw red. I drew in my breath, preparing to yell at her. But somehow, in the split second of inhaling, I thought, I just need to follow the process.

Instead of yelling, I reflected her feelings to get to the bottom of why she was behaving so poorly. I got curious about the cause of her behavior, and together we created a solution to the problem.

Instead of an angry interaction that would rip our relationship apart, we had a truly productive, useful talk that brought us together.

7. Hug a tree.

If you feel yourself spinning out of control with anger, you can become grounded by literally grounding yourself. Hug a tree, lay on the ground, or sit with your back to a large, solid oak.

Connecting yourself to the ground in this way will make you feel both physically and emotionally supported, calm, and stable.

Grounding strategies help you detach from strong emotions. They help you gain control over your feelings so that you can get back in control.

If you need a more portable strategy than an oak tree, try putting a small stone in your pocket. When you start feeling overwhelmed by emotion, reach into your pocket and focus on the stone—notice its texture, size, and temperature. This action focuses you on reality and stabilizes your emotions.

8. Close the argument room.

There’s a Monty Python skit where Michael Palin pays for an argument in the argument room. We often do the equivalent of asking for an argument by starting discussions that go nowhere or pushing our opinions onto people who don’t want them.

We should always ask ourselves if going into the argument room is worth it.

When my father rants, I often let him go. I don’t want to engage with him because I’d be entering the argument room, and for what? I’d end up cranky and frustrated, without achieving anything.

9. Look beneath the anger.

Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks the true feelings beneath it. The next time you feel angry, look inside and see if your anger is masking another deeper emotion.

If you can discover the underlying emotion, you can address the real reason behind your emotional response.

Think about the last time someone cut you off when you were driving. The moment it happens a chill of fear runs through you, and then it’s quickly replaced by frustration and resentment.

Or, consider the last time you were running late and someone seemed to be delaying you. Underneath your anger may be self-loathing regarding how you didn’t prepare better, guilt for making someone wait, or fear of the consequences of your late arrival.

Anger is the secondary emotion.

The Truth About Anger

It’s a powerful, all-encompassing emotion.

Well harnessed, it can drive us to achieve great things. We can use it to fight injustice, increase confidence, and create focus. Think Erin Brockovich, Alanis Morissette, and Steve Jobs.

But it can also ruin our relationships, damage our reputations, and make us hard to love. Think Naomi Campbell, Mel Gibson, and Charlie Sheen.

That grumpy old person we talked about? Their anger is unchecked, and it’s become a front.

A way of interacting with people. A mask to hide behind.

And no one can live a great life if they’re hiding.

It’s far better to have the courage to face the world, and your problems, head on. To discover what’s really under that anger, and address the true problem.

The next time you feel your anger flare up, you can hide behind it, or you can dig deep into self-reflection and deal with what you find.

Which will you choose?

Angry woman image via Shutterstock

May 18, 2015
Are You Stressed, Rushed, and Aggravated?

“Meaning is not what you start with but what you end up with.” ~Peter Elbow

As a boy, I had a romantic notion about having a job where I traveled for business. It sounded so important and stylish. I liked the idea of dashing through airports to my next big meeting.

I thought it meant that mine would be a wider world. And so it was.

Be Careful What You Wish For

As often happens, what you think about comes into being. I found myself on my very first “business trip.” I was going to the exotic location of Moline, Illinois.

In my fantasies I was thinking more along the lines of NYC or London, but hey, it involved an airplane. Actually, it wasn’t even a jet; it was this very loud, somewhat cramped prop plane.

So a couple hours later, after flying at a surprisingly low altitude and slow rate of speed, I had traveled from a semi-rural location with corn and cows to…another semi-rural location with corn and cows. It seems my dreams of importance and style were still in my future.

Dashing Didn’t Turn Out To Be So Dashing

My life and work continued down this same path, so occasionally schedules were tight. Once, I remember literally running through an airport so as not to miss a flight.

It looks good in the television commercials but let me tell you, running in a suit and tie, toting a briefcase and an overnight bag isn’t so sexy. It’s more sweaty and disheveling. I must confess, I felt less than debonair.

The Illusion of the “Good Seat”

Every flight (and there were many), I vied for a good seat with the rest of my fellow business travelers. I gloated over my exit row seat or my aisle seat. I glared enviously at the first class passengers, already seated with their complimentary mimosas.

When it came time to disembark, I leaped to my feet the moment the “Remain Seated” sign went out. I mean, you’re supposed to. At least you must be, because that’s what everyone else was doing.

I told myself it was important that I leave the plane immediately. After all, I had pressing business. That’s why I’m flying.

And Then I Woke Up

This dream of being a business traveler turned out to be not so dreamy after all. Traveling is a hassle with the hotels and cabs and parking garages and strange cities and expense reports. Airplane seats are tight and fellow travelers are sometimes surly.

This isn’t what I signed up for. I started to wonder about the ground rules I had assumed regarding flying for a living.

Questioning the Unstated

What is a good seat? I’ll tell you. There’s only one on the plane: it’s the one the pilot sits in.

The rest of us, no matter where we sit, are getting basically the same experience. Once I accepted that, I have never had a bad seat.

What’s the rush to get off the plane? When I wait until everyone else has cleared out around me, it is far easier to collect my things. I don’t hack anyone else off by getting in their way to rush off the plane either.

I generally go for the window seat now, not because I prefer it particularly. It just means I am not in any hurried person’s way when it comes time to deplane.

This leisurely attitude means I spend perhaps 10 more minutes aboard if I am seated near the front. If I am seated near the back, it costs me virtually no time at all. And I still get to the baggage claim area before my bags.

I get to airports early. I check in and kick back. Did you know they put bars in airports? I find this highly convenient for this back kicking.

I pack light. I generally travel to places that sell just about anything I regularly use. I have found that even developing countries have food and toiletries for sale.

Sharing My New Found Travel Ease

Once I found myself on an overbooked flight. Five people were in front of me in line trying to get boarding passes. As each one of them in turn berated the gate agent, all she could do was apologize and say she couldn’t give them a boarding pass at this time.

When it was my turn, I saw her steel herself for the next verbal assault. But I figured something out as I stood in line: berating the poor lass wasn’t resulting in a boarding pass for anyone.

So I just said, “Tough day, huh? Listen, if you can get me on this flight I would really appreciate it. Just do the best you can.”

Five minutes before they closed the jet way doors, she called one name to give out a single boarding pass—mine.

I wanted to throw a fit as much as the next guy as I stood in line. But what would be the point of ranting at the last person who could help me who, incidentally, was not responsible for causing my problem?

I didn’t see one glimmer of recognition out there amongst those envious faces of the grounded either. They all had the same chance as me and they had it first. We make our own reality. Own it, or don’t.

The Traveler, Well Seasoned

The bottom line is this: air travel, or anything else, is what you make it. I got to live my illusions until I decided they no longer served me.

I have a far different experience now, even though the external details remain basically the same. I have no stress and I get where I want to go when and if I have a notion to go anywhere at all.

I am a fan of destinations, but the journey happens too. While I may not have always taken the road less traveled, these days I always choose the travel encounter less experienced.

Photo by plantronicsgermany

August 11, 2013