Tag: achievement

Your Worth Is Not Dependent on What You Do or Accomplish
“A life’s worth, in the end, isn’t measured in hours or money. It’s measured by the amount of love exchanged along the way.” ~Unknown

I’ve had a go-go-go personality for as long as I can remember. I think I was born with it.

Both of my parents were small business owners who truly believed that with enough hard work and heart-and-soul dedication, you can accomplish anything.

By the age of three, I was a gymnast; by early elementary school, a competitive one, with a coach who was constantly (and sometimes aggressively) pushing me to the next level.

Therein began the scheduling of every minute of my time: from school, to two-hour practices, to homework on the road, to weekend competitions, to girls’ slumber and birthday parties.

I wanted to do it all, and to be the best at all I did. I hadn’t even reached high school and had already joined the universal struggle for work/life balance!

The especially vicious part of this cycle was that, when I found myself falling short in any one area (for example, not being quite “good enough” for the popular group of girls in school), I would drive my energy fiercely into other areas, such as academic success, which my teachers noticed and encouraged.

I graduated from high school at the top of my class, and Suma Cum Laude in my Bachelors and Masters degrees. (Both programs were in Psychology, by the way—even then, I tried to understand and connect more deeply with myself and others).

Following grad school, I continued the fast-paced life and entered my first corporate career as a wellness facilitator.

I traveled all over the U.S. and internationally too, to deliver a workshop that was, ironically, based in self-care and listening to your body. I certainly wasn’t practicing either of those things, but I was receiving praise from my bosses and respected colleagues.

One of my more memorable breakdowns came toward the end of the first year on the job. Sitting in yet another airport, for yet another delayed flight home, I’d just had it. I was chronically stressed and exhausted; pale, thin, and fragile; and physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually spent.

It terrified me to imagine living life another year at this pace; it was equally terrifying to listen to what my heart was and had been calling for, for some time: to slow down.

The Universe had been gently coaxing me toward this moment for a few years by introducing a yoga practice, essential oil use, acupuncture, and many healing modalities and healers into my life. But rather than embracing the healing fully, I turned each experience into an opportunity to do yet another thing.

Yoga? I became an instructor. Essential oil use? I became a distributor. Acupuncture? I turned it into a working relationship and an opportunity to build my network for my healing business.

It’s as if my ego simply wouldn’t accept or allow such radical acts of self-care without some sort of business case outside of my being.

Deep, deep down, at my very core, I didn’t believe I was worthy of slowing down, of being taken care of, of feeling good.

I, by myself, unattached from all the things that I did, wasn’t good enough. And how could I be? I’d built my life, my whole identity, on doing a lot, being good at all that I did, and looking for approval outside of myself.

I was the one that took on the world, the one that could clean, cook, be a great girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, and thrive in a successful career. And to anyone outside of myself, that is what it looked like—that I had it all, and had it all together.

According to my boss and the corporate world, I was a “high potential”; according to societal standards, I should’ve been on top of the world happy.

But guess what? I was massively broken, empty, and unhappy. And that’s part of what kept me looped in, continually striving for the next thing; unfortunately, because I’d learned to search solely outside of myself, that is where my worth delicately hung as well.

Throughout life, I’d also caught glimpses of my true and inherent worth.

I saw it in giving—sharing a special connection with a yogi during one of my classes; hearing feedback from a participant in one of my workshops that they would finally commit to taking care of themselves. And I also found it in receiving—hugs and thoughtful gestures from my boyfriend (now fiancé, whom I rarely saw at the time); an especially connected meditation or journaling session; a deeply meaningful conversation.

And the connection that exists within each of those acts is embracing love, wholeheartedly. Believing that what we have to offer is enough, without condition, and that we are worthy of receiving such love the same way that we give it—freely.

The truth is, our worthiness doesn’t reside in doing; it lies within our very being. It’s unchanging, unwavering, and infinite. But we can certainly convince ourselves of the former and spend our lives hustling for the worthiness that we’ll never find in doing.

So how do we get there? How do we shift from identifying ourselves with what we do to who we are?

For me, understanding this truth didn’t come with one massive blow to the ego; it happened in gradual shifts. Here are the practices that help me remember my unconditional worth and live a beautifully fulfilled and blessed life:

1. Openness.

Be willing to accept and embrace what comes, believing that it is for your own and the collective highest good.

This really helped me release my urge to control, to come back to my inner truth, and to focus on being versus doing.

2. Choice/perspective.

Remember that in any given situation or experience, you have the choice to see through the eyes of fear or love.

We are often faced with this one when we are putting our full selves out there in our careers, our relationships, and even our passions and hobbies.

A fear mindset might keep us stuck in self-limiting beliefs, such as:
- I really want the job, but there’s no way I’m qualified.
- He/she is so great, but would never notice me.
- I love to paint/sing/dance, but there’s no way I could ever do anything with it.
A loving mindset encourages us to remain open and curious, without attaching our worth to the outcome:
- I can’t ignore this job opportunity; I’m smart, experienced, and I owe it to myself to explore the possibility.
- I really feel a connection with him/her; I should at least explore a conversation and see where it takes us.
- I really feel the best of my energy comes out when I paint/sing/dance, and I’d like to share that energy with the world in a way that makes sense for me.
3. Asking for what you need.

Know that it is okay and necessary to say “no” sometimes, and to ask for help! And know that this doesn’t make you any less of a person; in fact, it creates space for you to keep your light shining and for others to step into their own light, as well. (This one is still an ongoing struggle for me).

4. Surrender vs. striving.

We are creatures of habit, and though I am totally and intentionally committed to slowing down and embracing self-care, I still find myself unnecessarily filling my time and getting dragged back into the worthiness hustle.

Rather than beating yourself up further and digging the hole deeper, take a deep breath and surrender. Ask for guidance from the Universe and then listen and try to honor and trust what comes.

When I fully commit to this, I usually feel a wave of calm wash over me almost instantly.

So please, stop the chaotic and fruitless search for worthiness outside of yourself. Slow down, listen, and honor your body and soul’s cravings. Commit to embracing all that you are, and come back to your true nature—peace and happiness.

Carefree man image via Shutterstock
December 29, 2014
Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by perfectionism? Would you rather not do something if you can’t be sure it will be perfect? Although this kind of thinking doesn’t make much sense, I understand it, because I’ve been there.

I’d like to share with you some insights that helped me overcome my own deeply ingrained perfectionism and the unhappiness and stagnation it caused me.

Avoiding perfectionism doesn’t mean avoiding quality work and high achievement.

I am someone who loves making sure that even the smallest details of my work are right, and that the work I deliver lives up to my highest standards.

I used to think that the opposite of perfectionism was doing sloppy work, so I tried that for a while, but it really didn’t sit well with me. I don’t know about you, but I like to do something well and make it good quality work, and doing something less than that makes me feel bad.

If giving your best is what you do naturally, then doing something only half as well as you could just to avoid the trap of perfectionism isn’t going to help you. Trying this has always made me feel stressed because I was going against my nature and because I didn’t like the work I produced. So what to do?

Who defines your “perfect”?

I think perfectionism is really fear of being judged by others. It’s actually likely that others will judge us for what we do and say, but in most cases, we can get over it because it’s not so bad—or because we have to.

However, a perfectionist never looks to compassionate and wise people and imagines how they might judge them! For example, when I am writing a new blog post, I never think of what my grandmother or the Dalai Lama would say about it. (It would probably be something like, “It’s wonderful that you express yourself creatively and try to help others at the same time!”)

Instead, the people I have in mind are the cynical journalists whose articles I read (which is really my own fault) and the mean and angry people who post anonymous insults in online newspaper forums. I’m pretty sure they would actually hate what I have to say, but why do I pick them as my internal jury?

This internal process is what I call destructive perfectionism, because it’s a way in which we beat ourselves up and possibly feel so stifled that we never even start our work, or never dare show it to anyone.

Constructive perfectionism is the fuel you need to move forward.

Destructive perfectionism stops you in your tracks. Constructive perfectionism allows you to start and do your best—even if a year from now you find it amateurish. That’s how great things get done; you have to start somewhere and work your way up.

I started getting into strength training, movement art, and gymnastics over a year ago because I wanted to move as capably, strongly, and gracefully as the movement teachers I admire. I soon found that achieving this in a short time frame was highly unrealistic, meaning: For a long time I looked and felt more like an elephant doing gymnastics than an actual movement artist.

But the vision of what is possible kept me going, and now I am a far better and stronger mover than when I started, even though I am miles away from what I want to achieve. If I had given up after one attempt because it wasn’t perfect, I’d still be a couch potato!

In my journey away from perfectionism, I also stopped beating myself up and driving myself so far that I came by several injuries, and started enjoying the movement and the small progress I made every day.

Maybe I will never reach the kind of athletic ability and grace that I long for, but I am enjoying the process so much and doing my health a big favor. So I hope you take this to heart and start enjoying yourself by doing what you love and giving it your best.

Life is too short to miss out on the pleasure of doing something well just because others might judge you or you might not get it right. As they say: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

Photo by Helga Weber

July 30, 2014
How Taking a Step Backward Can Be the Way Forward

“Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Take a deep breath and try again.” ~KT Witten

As I said goodbye on my last day of work, I couldn’t help feeling smug. When my colleagues turned up for work on Monday morning, I’d be at home, free to do whatever I wanted with my day.

I’d resigned to explore the possibilities of a career in writing. With no clear idea of what the immediate future held, I was both nervous and excited.

I imagined myself in a few years’ time, happily making a fortune from all my creative endeavors, living a life of adventure, appearing in magazines and on TV, chatting with Oprah about my latest project and my fabulous life.

I was so cool.

About eight months later I was back. My “bestseller” was still waiting to be published; I’d abandoned the blog that was going to take the world by storm; I’d dropped several other ideas that had barely even started; and my bank balance was looking very sorry for itself.

Not so cool.

Thankfully, I successfully managed to ignore my inner critic, who was doing her best to tell me how stupid I’d been. Nevertheless, I felt confused about what had happened.

Over the past couple of years I’d been hearing how we should all have the courage to go for our dreams—that we should trust our instincts, follow our hearts, embrace uncertainty, and dare to believe in ourselves.

And that’s what I’d done. I’d followed my heart, which had told me to resign from my job and pursue writing. Then I followed it back again to the same job I’d spent a year telling myself I had to leave.

If I was supposed to follow my heart, why was I back to square one? On reflection, I realized the answer was simple; I wasn’t back to square one at all. In fact, I wasn’t even back to square two.

When we try something new, when we dare to take a risk, it rarely, if ever, works out as we imagine.

When unexpected challenges arise, when things go “wrong,” it’s tempting to tell ourselves that we’ve failed; that we should stick to what we know. That we should just play it safe and leave dream-following to those who have what it takes.

Don’t do it; don’t let the negative thoughts and self-doubt bring you down. Instead, consider the following questions to keep you focused on your goal and going in the right direction.

What have you learned from the experience?

I knew becoming self-employed would be hard work, but I wasn’t prepared for the psychological shift it would take.

I’d always worked for other people, and I’d always pretty much done what I was told in every other area of my life, too. It takes a huge change on the inside to be able to go from one extreme to the other.

But if I hadn’t left my job, I wouldn’t have known that. I’d still be at work, resenting every moment, wanting to jump but not daring to do it and always wondering, “what if…?”

I’ve learned that I don’t have to sacrifice everything to go for what I want. I don’t have to eat baked beans and live in a squat until I’m discovered.

Going back to work has meant that I can afford to invest in myself, both in terms of my physical well-being and getting my ideas off the ground.

Prioritizing your dreams doesn’t mean you mustn’t ever work a day job again. It means making time for the things that are truly important to you.

I’ve also learned that taking a big risk isn’t always that risky after all. Before I left work, I procrastinated for months, alternating between excitement at the thought of going for my dream and fear over what would happen if I ran out of money.

And what happened in the end? I ran out of money and went back to work. No biggie.

Very rarely do the calamities we imagine happening come true.

What have you achieved?

It can be all too tempting to focus on the things you haven’t done, but try instead to focus on what you did manage to do.

I finished the project I was working on before leaving my job and researched the world of publishing, which I didn’t have time for when I was working. I started a blog, and while it didn’t work out as I’d hoped, the experience gave me some more ideas to work on. It also led me to discovering that people liked my writing, which gave me the confidence to believe that I had something to offer.

Even your “failures” can be achievements, as when you know what doesn’t work for you, you’re one step closer to finding out what does.

How have you changed?

Going back to work has shown me just how much my mindset has changed. For so many years, work was something I had to do to survive, and everything else had to come second.

Now I understand that life isn’t supposed to be about cursing the alarm clock on Monday morning and living for the weekend. I can see the pointlessness of arguing over who gets the best parking space (especially since I don’t even drive) or complaining about things we’re not even going to try to change.

Use the negative as a positive. Sometimes, a healthy dose of what you don’t want can help remind you of what you do want and where you want to go.

Once you’ve taken the first step toward your dream, there really is only one direction to go in. Keep your eye on the goal and use any step you take backward as a tool for moving forward.

Photo by Simon

Editor’s Note: Louise has generously offered to give away two free copies of her book, Stop Making Your Life a Misery. Leave a comment on the post for a chance to win! You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, July 25th.

UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway are Amy and MAustin.

July 20, 2014
3 Things You Can Do To Feel Happier, Right Now

“The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

In The Four Noble Truths, the Dalai Lama wrote, “It is a fact—a natural fact of life—that each one of us has an innate desire to seek happiness and to overcome suffering.”

Regardless of religion or creed or upbringing, I think we can all agree on this most universal of statements. Underneath whatever personalities we project and whatever lives we lead lies a foundational truth that applies to all of us: We want to be happy; we don’t want to suffer.

So what can we do now, today, to feel happier? Before I describe specific practices, let me explain how I view change and self-improvement. As the old saying goes, there are two sides to a coin, and this positive-negative duality applies just as much here.

For example, “we want to be happy” is the positive side of the statement above, or what to do, and “we don’t want to suffer” is the negative, or what not to do.

Any challenge, whether it’s becoming a happier you or dropping a bad habit, gets much easier and gives more lasting results if you focus on the positive aspect of the situation (what you should do) as opposed to the negative (what you shouldn’t do).

Focusing on the positive creates a set of habits that ultimately lead to a better lifestyle, built by you and around your goals.

The negative path enforces rules and boundaries that ultimately lead to internal mental resistance and a diminished self-esteem. This realization made all the difference in my pursuit of happiness.

What You Can Do Today

Before this insight, I would spend my days trying to figure out what situations to avoid, what habits to control, where to go or whom to see for happiness. After the shift in my thinking, I began asking myself what I should do specifically to live a happier life.

Much trial and error, many years, and many books later, I uncovered three main conditions under which a person feels truly happy: appreciation of the present moment, hope of future achievement, and service to others.

These conditions are quite different and imply, in my opinion, different forms of happiness. Some individuals will naturally gravitate toward one or two out of three, or even just one. That’s normal.

If you can handle all three, go for it. If not, don’t worry. Alone or combined, they all make for a dramatic improvement in quality of life and awaken a happier you.

1. Appreciation of the present moment

At its highest level, this means to become intensely focused on the present and, in some cases, to suspend time entirely. If you can do this, great. But not all of us are masters at entering the now. For most of us, leading a lifestyle of gratitude is the best and most practical way to cultivate appreciation for the present moment.

A fail-proof technique I found was to reflect at the end of each day and express written gratitude for one to three things, events, or whatever I felt grateful for.

Doing this daily brings about a shift in mentality from “what’s lacking in my life?” to “what is here before me now?” until being grateful eventually becomes second nature. If on certain days you truly can’t find anything worth being grateful for, don’t force yourself.

That said, there is no shortage of things for which we can be grateful. At the very least you can breathe, and you likely have somewhere to sleep, can see and read this article, and have food to sustain you. Those are all things to be grateful for. Imagine life without them.

2. Hope of future achievement

The second condition, hope for future achievement, implies a different, more worldly sort of happiness. This does not always mean monetary gain, although that is usually a product of achievements such as business expansion, securing a job, or earning a promotion. This type of success, within reason, is normal. Our biological need to survive compels us to pursue it.

But achievement comes in many other forms. It can mean physical feats such as finishing a triathlon, or a personal journey of self-enlightenment, or even little things like becoming more organized and driven.

All of these endeavors give us end goals to surpass and offer us the promise of due reward should we succeed. This promise is what instills us with a sense of happiness. That’s why dreamers and optimists are often happier than realists. They believe in the promise of a better future.

I found that daily visualization is a great way to nurture hope for future achievement. Think about a goal you genuinely want to achieve and put it in writing. Then twice daily, visualize yourself experiencing the success associated with whatever achievement you’re focused on. You don’t have to know how you will arrive at the end destination. Just imagine the end destination.

For me, that means visualizing the day I open my own holistic self-development studio, or the day I sign the contract for publication of my first novel.

For a detailed look at how and why this technique works, I suggest reading Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. But in short, visualization communicates your inner desire to your subconscious mind. Over time, you become what you consistently imagine yourself to be, and you achieve what you consistently imagine yourself achieving.

3. Service to others

The third condition, service to others, is what helped me the most. I always knew myself to be a talented and capable person. But time and experience showed me that talent and capacity alone aren’t enough for a happy life.

I felt like my connection with others lacked strength and authenticity, almost as though I lived at an arm’s length from society. This, I believe, held me back more than anything.

Service to others changed all of that. Make a conscious attempt each day, as I did, to do one kind thing for someone without telling anyone about it, ever. I highly recommend trying this for at least twenty-one days. It changes your perspective on the profound interconnectedness of all beings and all things.

It teaches you first and foremost to give without expecting anything in return, to do for the sake of doing and not for the recognition.

Not telling others about your acts of kindness also builds discipline and becomes a secret between you and yourself, something to be proud of. Third, it teaches you that bringing happiness to others does more for your own happiness than any worldly escape or distraction.

Start Now

Do not wait for happiness. Start now. It is within your grasp and you deserve it. It doesn’t have to be elusive. Look for it in the simpler things in life. Express gratitude for something. Visualize success and a better you. Render an act of kindness and keep it to yourself. Implement these practices in your life to feel happier, right now.

Photo by David Robert Bilwas

May 7, 2014
How To Keep Yourself Motivated When You’re Not Feeling It

“A diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well.” ~Unknown

I’m great with short-term goals. In fact, I prefer them. Work my butt off for a few months to reach a goal? I’m down with that. I’ll give up a social life, down time, spending money, eating yummy food (read: sugar), drinking alcohol—whatever it takes, for the short-term. Long-term goals… ugh, not so much.

Despite this preference for pretty immediate gratification, I have followed through with many long-term goals in my life (school and various trainings, long-distance relationships, starting and re-starting businesses, to name a few).

There have also been quite a few of these goals that I’ve dropped that I wished I hadn’t.

I, like many of us, have noticed a pattern of finding it much more difficult to stay engaged once the initial excitement of starting something new has worn off.

Through this learning process of motivating myself to follow through with longer-view goals, I’ve come up with a few steps that have really helped me to stay focused and on track. Here are three steps that can help.

Remind yourself that you’re in charge.

There are loads of reasons we get off track with goals. Self-doubt, fear we won’t succeed, and concern that we are not setting realistic goals are just a few of them.

This is really important to remember: You can change this goal if you want. You can keep going, you can revise it, or you can dump it altogether.

When we are experiencing doubts, it’s easy to feel like we have no power; it’s easy to feel like we don’t have a choice. However, most often, we do.

I find it helps to simply remind myself that I’m in charge. Many times, when the going gets tough, we begin to feel like the choices we made (sometimes long ago) are not our own. Sometimes a reminder to ourselves that we are the ones who originally set this goal is a good way to rev the engine.

When I first started acupuncture school, I was pretty young, but it had been several years since I’d been in school. I’d been living on my own, partying it up, and doing whatever I liked.

I saw pretty quickly that I had to get serious, stop staying out late so often, and learn to organize my time and resources far better than I had been. In short, I had to get productive.

Well, the meltdown that ensued was not very attractive. I didn’t want to give up my young, single, and independent lifestyle! I didn’t want to trade late nights with my friends for late nights with textbooks and manuals!

That went on for about a week, until a wise friend (who was tired of my whining), said, basically, “You wanted this. Get with it, or quit school.”

It was the kick in the butt I needed to stop complaining and remember that I did want it. I was very driven to be an acupuncturist, because it’s an amazing modality. And I strongly desired (and continue to desire) to live a life of service.

I won’t say it was completely smooth sailing from there on out, but my productivity and focus were certainly much improved.

Look back at all you’ve already achieved.

If you have been taking steps towards your goal for a while, then it can be great to take some time to consider all that you have already accomplished. All long haul goals take multiple, incremental steps to attain. Pat yourself on the back, and remind yourself of these achievements.

The thing is, once an incremental step is attained, it can quickly feel like not quite so big of a deal. It becomes commonplace, and it’s not as exciting as it was when we first accomplished it. That’s normal, and understandable, and it’s great to look back occasionally and remind ourselves what a big deal reaching that step really was at the time.

When I’m frustrated about what feels like a lack of movement toward a goal, I sit down and make a list of the steps I have already enacted to reach it, and what the results of those steps have been. I am almost always surprised at how much I’ve produced. This clarity helps in releasing those feelings of frustration.

Explore the reasons you’re going for this goal and remind yourself often.

While I was in school, there were many times when I simply wanted to quit.

I had student loans (that were growing!). As I mentioned, there was little time for a social and personal life. I was learning a technique that required a very different perspective (energy medicine vs. the physical body) than I had previously.

Besides that, I was starting to sweat the idea of running my own business. Would I fail? Could I make it work? Maybe I was nuts to think I could succeed at this at all!

When I’d start to get too caught up in all that noise, I would literally sit down and remind myself of the reasons I’d chosen the path I had.

I loved acupuncture; despite fear about being self-employed, I craved that independence; I resonated strongly with the concepts of energy I was learning, even if the vocabulary was new.

Taking the time to have these talks with myself helped to re-invigorate me, to renew my focus, and encouraged me to continue.

To really follow through with a longer-term goal, we have to have solid reasons that make sense to us.

That said, goals aren’t set in stone. Like everything in life, it’s good to approach them with flexibility and open-mindedness.

If you can’t successfully remind yourself of your initial reasons for going for the goal, and get re-ignited about those reasons, then it might be time to re-assess.

Only we can decide what is best for us, and that can change over time. It’s so important to give ourselves permission to go for goals with full-on focus and gusto, or to change them, or put them aside for a while, or whatever else we decide is right at that time.

What techniques do you use to keep yourself motivated on your goal-getting journey?

December 8, 2013
30 Accomplishments to Be Proud Of

“Do something now that will make the person you’ll be tomorrow proud.” ~Unknown

A while back someone asked me to list my greatest accomplishments for 2012.

As I racked my brain, I thought of a few professional achievements that made me feel proud, but as for the top accomplishment, I kept coming back to the same thing: my sister’s wedding.

I wasn’t the planner, and I didn’t pay for the whole thing, but I was a big part of it.

Even though I live 3,000 miles away, I acted as her Maid of Honor, helped plan her bridal shower, planned a fun two-day Bachelorette party that meshed with her unique personality and interests, and traveled to Massachusetts on numerous occasions to be part of it all.

I felt excited to recognize this as my top accomplishment for a couple of reasons. First, it reminded me of how much I appreciate my family.

Particularly as someone who spent a lot of time isolated, I now believe my relationships are priorities—and I’m proud that I show it in action.

But also, it reminded me that accomplishments don’t necessarily need to entail productivity, promotion, sales, or profits. Sometimes the most fulfilling things we do in this world bring little recognition, yield no monetary results, and come without fanfare.

And yet, they still can mean so much and feel so completely satisfying.

I’d by lying if I said I don’t enjoy growing and expanding through my work, but I’ve finally realized that what I have to offer—to others and myself—far exceeds the fruits of my paid labor.

In a fast-paced, competitive world, where it’s easy to feel we’re never doing enough, it’s gratifying to recognize just how much we do to honor the people and things that matter to us.

With that in mind, I decided to create a short list of accomplishments that we may sometimes overlook.

If you’re looking to do something that will make you feel proud—or perhaps looking for a reminder that you already do so much—one of these ideas may resonate with you: (more…)

January 17, 2013
The Difference Between Fulfillment and Achievement

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis

I have always been ambitious. I have always felt an incredible need to become someone, to do something, to achieve. I have always been a dreamer on my way up.

I’m a fashion designer. I belong to an industry that I knew was highly competitive from a young age. Ambition and hard work counted, but increasingly, I was getting the message that status, money, and connections were far more important factors for success.

In fact, fashion as an industry is parallel to the entertainment industry. Just look to all the celebrities whose next career move, often in desperation, is to create a fashion line. I was no celebrity—not even close. I was a plain, quiet girl who was more studious than glamorous.

In fashion, there are sayings like “You’re only as good as your last season” or “One day you’re in, the next day you’re out.” We live in a go-go-go, high-achieving, fast paced world laced with ambition, goals, and people who want to do it all and have it all. So it had been ingrained in me to always work hard.

Throughout college, I worked (almost full-time), went to school (actually full-time), and came home to work on design projects, sew into the night, or write for my little fashion blog. I took no time off, worked endless hours, and dedicated myself wholly to my craft, my industry, and my goals.

All to get somewhere, become something, to achieve my lifelong dream.

That all came to a halt when I graduated and I started pounding the pavement. I was sure that my hard work and talent would pay off—but it didn’t. For almost an entire year, I didn’t even get an interview.

It was a shameful part of my life, one that I would not readily admit to anyone. I was working full-time in a different industry making very little money, but could not get in on the one I had worked so hard toward my entire life.

So I stopped after a year to ask myself, what was I doing wrong? (more…)

November 14, 2012
Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

“Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

A few weeks ago, I took a sip of my morning tea hoping that the day would be better than the prior ones. I had somehow tripped over the cracks of life and couldn’t seem to pull myself back. I had woken up feeling eager to start a new day, but like every other day of my life, within the first few hours, things had gotten off track.

I was stuck in a downward vortex of fear, anxiety and self-ridicule. I read my Yogi tea bag message, “It’s not life that matters; it’s the courage that we bring to it.”

I held back my tears because my courage was feeling impossibly deflated. I was sick of trying so hard.

How much courage do we really need to live our lives?

I realized then that my entire life I’d felt like a fraud. I was renting someone else’s life, trying to pretend that it was me. My only consistency was my inconsistency with not being true and honoring myself. It is exhausting to be someone you’re not supposed to be.

Society conditioned me to believe if you want something you have to work hard to get it. And I worked really hard accepting the fact that life was supposed to be an uphill struggle. All my relationships were superficial. I forced a smile to hide the fact that I felt all alone.

Everyone I knew wanted to talk about the latest fashion buzz, who won American Idol, or what Snookie’s latest drama was. I pretended to be interested, but I was more curious about the pull on my heart. It kept prickling and nagging as to say, “There is more than this, honey.”

For over a decade I lived this delusional nightmare of codependency and a search for security with success.

I chose all my romantic relationships carefully to escape the painful reality of my anxiety. I’d pick partners who were addicted to numbing their pain, too. We’d escape life by doing drugs together and drinking over the fear.

I finally got up enough courage to recognize that the relationship was unhealthy and I would end it only to find myself back in the arms of another addiction—overeating, over exercising, overworking; more men, more drugs. I stayed in a constant state of denial, consumed by my fear-based mind.

I was always waiting for the next thing to happen— the next promotion, the next boyfriend, the next anything to drag me out of the depression. It never occurred to me that “pushing” was the problem. My inner drive was really just a cry for help—a call for love.

I believed the root of my depression was my job in marketing. So after many attempts I finally left that position to pursue a new dream. Again the pushing overtook my world. I declared I would be a travel writer and pushed my way into that industry. (more…)

October 23, 2011
How to Want Less and Be Happy About It

“Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.” ~Channing Pollock

The vast majority of my life has been a giant race to get things I’ve assumed would make me happy.

More money so I could do what I want when I want. A more meaningful career so I could feel both fulfilled and proud of myself. More connections so I could feel loved and worthy. And mostly, more distractions so I could avoid acknowledging why I was unhappy with myself.

“I’m making progress,” I’d delude myself. “I’m pushing myself to accomplish big things that will help people all over.”

While those things may have been true, what I was really doing was chasing the possibility of happiness as it existed in an elusive tomorrow.

Tomorrow, when I’ve made a name for myself. Tomorrow, when I can be proud of making a difference. Tomorrow, when the stars align just right.

Though I still have to make a conscious choice to root myself in today, I’ve realized nothing I want will ever bring me joy if I consistently attach happiness to something just out of my reach. In fact, more often than not, attaining those things will just make me feel emptier because it will remind me of the void nothing can fill—nothing, that is, except me. (more…)

April 18, 2010