Tiny Buddha

Tag: achieve

  • How I Found Confidence and a New Path When I Felt Inadequate

    How I Found Confidence and a New Path When I Felt Inadequate

    “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” ~Arthur Ashe

    It was a quiet evening at Boat Quay. The sun was setting, casting warm golden hues over the water, and the air smelled faintly of salt and street food. I was sitting on the riverbank with a close friend, my head heavy with thoughts that refused to settle.

    “I’m thirty,” I said, breaking the silence. My voice quivered with frustration. “I haven’t achieved anything. Look at Joseph Schooling—he’s younger than me and a gold medalist! My other friend started his own business. And me? I’m just… here.”

    The words tumbled out of me, raw and unfiltered. My friend looked at me with a mixture of concern and helplessness. I knew I was being hard on myself, but the feeling of inadequacy clung to me like a second skin.

    Deep down, I believed that being hard on myself was necessary, a way to spur myself into action. “If I don’t push myself, who will?” I thought. But no matter how much I pushed, nothing seemed to click. I felt like I was flailing, desperate for traction but stuck in the same spot.

    Biting the Elephant

    For a long time, I obsessed over big achievements. I wanted to make a splash, to prove that I was capable and worthy. But every time I set my sights on something monumental, I froze. The sheer size of my goals overwhelmed me.

    One day, I stumbled across an old adage: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

    It hit me like a lightning bolt. Maybe I didn’t need to tackle enormous goals all at once. Maybe I could start small—just one bite at a time.

    I decided to test this theory. My first “bite” was a simple commitment: wake up thirty minutes earlier each day and spend that time reading a book on personal development. It wasn’t groundbreaking, but it was manageable.

    To my surprise, this small step gave me a tiny boost of confidence. I was keeping a promise to myself, however small. That feeling of accomplishment, no matter how minor, was something I could build on.

    From there, I started layering on more small commitments. I took on one short online course, then another. I applied what I learned in small ways at work. Slowly but surely, these small actions began to stack up.

    Fixing Everything and Going Nowhere

    For years, I believed that the key to success lay in fixing my weaknesses. I spent countless hours analyzing my flaws and trying to “fix” them. I wasn’t assertive enough, so I took assertiveness training. I wasn’t organized enough, so I read books on productivity.

    But no matter how much I tried to improve, I felt like I was running in place. The more I focused on my shortcomings, the more they seemed to define me.

    Then, one day, a mentor said something that shifted my perspective: “What if you leaned into your strengths instead?”

    It was such a simple idea, yet it felt revolutionary. I realized I’d been so focused on what I lacked that I hadn’t stopped to consider what I already had

    I started asking myself: What am I good at? What comes naturally to me?

    One of the answers that surfaced was communication. I’ve always been good at connecting with people, whether through conversation or storytelling. So, I decided to lean into that. I volunteered to give presentations at work and started reaching out to potential mentors for advice.

    As I leaned into my strengths, something incredible happened: momentum. The more I focused on what I was good at, the more opportunities seemed to appear. I wasn’t just fixing flaws anymore; I was building something meaningful.

    Walking the Unbeaten Path

    As I began to gain momentum, I realized that part of my frustration stemmed from comparing myself to others. I was measuring my progress against the paths others had taken, but those paths didn’t belong to me.

    I was forging my own path, one that was unfamiliar and full of uncertainty. There were no roadmaps or guarantees—just a lot of trial and error.

    Walking this path required me to confront self-doubt daily. “What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough?” Those thoughts still visited me, but I learned to greet them like old acquaintances. “Ah, there you are again,” I’d say to my doubts. “Thanks for your input, but I’m moving forward anyway.”

    Each step forward brought new challenges, but it also brought growth. The unknown, which once terrified me, became a space for discovery and creativity.

    The Overarching Theme: Seeking Validation

    When I look back on those years of self-doubt and striving, I see a common thread: I was chasing validation.

    I wanted to prove my worth—to myself, to my family, to society. I thought that achieving something big would finally make me feel whole. But the truth is, no external achievement could fill that void.

    The turning point came when I began to let go of the need for validation. I realized that my worth wasn’t tied to what I achieved or how others saw me. It was inherent, unchanging.

    This wasn’t a switch I flipped overnight. It was a slow process, one small step at a time—just like eating an elephant. But as I released the need for external approval, I felt freer and more grounded than ever before.

    Becoming a Teacher

    Today, I’m a teacher. It’s not the flashiest career, but it’s one that feels deeply aligned with who I am. Teaching allows me to use my strengths—communication, empathy, and a knack for seeing the big picture—to help others navigate their own paths.

    I didn’t get here by chasing big, flashy goals. I got here by starting small, focusing on my strengths, and trusting the process.

    Lessons Learned

    If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, here are a few things I’ve learned that might help.

    1. Start small: Big changes don’t happen overnight. Focus on small, manageable steps that you can build on.

    2. Lean into your strengths: Instead of fixating on your weaknesses, identify what you’re naturally good at and find ways to use those strengths.

    3. Let go of comparisons: Your path is your own. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.

    4. Trust the process: Growth isn’t always linear, and that’s okay. Have faith that each step forward, no matter how small, is bringing you closer to where you want to be.

    5. Release the need for validation: Your worth isn’t tied to your achievements or how others see you. It’s inherent, just as you are.

    Closing Thoughts

    As I sit here reflecting on my journey, I realize that I’m still a work in progress. And that’s okay. Life isn’t about reaching some final destination; it’s about learning, growing, and finding joy in the process.

    If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, know that you’re not alone. Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. One small step at a time, you’ll get there.

  • 5 Practical Tips for Overcoming the Pressure to Do More

    5 Practical Tips for Overcoming the Pressure to Do More

    “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” ~Deepak Chopra

    There was a time in my life when chaos seemed to have the upper hand. I tried so hard to keep things together, but it felt like the more I tried to control things, the more they spiraled. I had goals and dreams, sure, but the stress of not being “there” yet always consumed me.

    I remember one night sitting on the edge of my bed, feeling completely drained. I’d just had a tough conversation with a close friend, one of those exchanges where every word hits harder than the last. It wasn’t about the conversation itself; it was about what it represented—a mirror reflecting my own struggles with self-worth.

    I had been so busy chasing success, comparing my progress to others, and pushing myself to meet society’s invisible benchmarks that I lost sight of what was truly important.

    That night was my breaking point. I realized I wasn’t living for myself anymore—I was living for everyone else’s expectations. I felt like I was stuck in a loop, playing the same scenes over and over, always waiting for the big “win” to feel validated. It was time for a shift, but the problem was, I had no idea where to start.

    The Lucky Meeting that Changed Everything

    Around this time, I had a chance encounter with a hypnotherapist. I was skeptical, but something about their approach intrigued me, and I decided to give it a try. That session introduced me to the alpha state—a state of deep relaxation and mental clarity that I had never experienced before.

    The alpha state became my sanctuary. It felt like being connected to a deeper part of myself, a place where the chatter of my mind quieted down, and I could simply be. The hypnotherapist guided me to let go of control, to trust the process, and to embrace a state of calm presence. It was in this space that I realized how much of my life I had been living on autopilot, constantly reacting to external pressures.

    This lucky meeting wasn’t just a one-time experience—it was a turning point. I began incorporating practices that allowed me to access the alpha state on my own, using self-hypnosis techniques and guided visualizations to reconnect with my core. The more I practiced, the more I noticed a shift in how I approached challenges. Instead of reacting from a place of stress, I began responding from a place of clarity and calm.

    The Power of Stillness Amidst the Chaos

    That moment of stillness became the key to everything. I realized I had been running at full speed, not because I had to, but because I believed that slowing down meant failure. But stillness isn’t defeat; it’s clarity. By taking a step back, I began to see how much of my stress was self-created—driven by unrealistic timelines, external comparisons, and the pressure to “have it all together.”

    In that pause, I asked myself a question that changed everything: “What if my worth has nothing to do with my achievements?”

    I realized that taking breaks from the stress of constant striving slowly relieves the pressure to do more. Connecting with our true selves through stillness allows us to recalibrate and find peace without needing to chase validation. We can trust that we’re enough, just as we are, without having to “do” more to prove it.

    Breaking the Loop

    My first practical step? Setting boundaries with myself. I started by noticing when I was acting out of fear or the need for approval. Each time I felt that pang of “I’m not doing enough,” I reminded myself to stop and breathe. This simple shift allowed me to recognize that my worth is inherent, not something to be earned or proven.

    One of the biggest lessons I learned from this period of my life is that peace doesn’t come from achieving more; it comes from accepting where you are. I had to stop running on autopilot and start listening to myself. That meant embracing my flaws, imperfections, and everything in between.

    Practical Tips for Overcoming Self-Pressure

    1. Create space for stillness.

    Set aside time every day where you’re not actively doing anything. Just be. This is a chance to reconnect with your true self, away from the noise of social media, emails, or to-do lists.

    Taking intentional breaks allows us to relieve the pressure of constant striving and remember who we are beyond our achievements.

    2. Catch your inner critic.

    Notice your thoughts, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Are you being overly critical of yourself? If so, take a step back and try reframing those thoughts with compassion.

    Remember, kindness toward yourself isn’t something you need to earn—it’s a choice available to you at any time. And remember, too: You are not your thoughts, and you are not your feelings. They are simply passing experiences, not reflections of who you are.

    3. Shift from achievement to alignment.

    Instead of measuring success by what you’ve done, focus on how aligned you feel with your values. When making a decision for your future, ask yourself, “Am I being true to myself?”

    This helps you connect with your deeper purpose rather than chasing goals that may not truly fulfill you.

    4. Celebrate progress, not perfection.

    Give yourself credit for the small wins. Life isn’t about checking off boxes; it’s about growth and evolution. Celebrate the fact that you’re on the journey, learning and evolving with each step.

    5. Stay present.

    When we focus too much on future outcomes, we lose sight of the present moment and end up missing out on life. Practice being present by grounding yourself in the here and now. Whether it’s through mindfulness, meditation, or simply taking a deep breath, presence is your most powerful tool.

    The Journey Back to Yourself

    Through this process, I discovered that real peace and fulfillment come when we stop defining ourselves by external success. It’s about knowing that you are enough as you are right now. This doesn’t mean giving up on growth or ambition—it means allowing those things to evolve naturally, rather than forcing them to fit a specific timeline or expectation.

    The lesson here? Your worth isn’t tied to your achievements or productivity. You don’t need to “prove” anything to anyone. Sometimes the most important thing we can do is pause, reflect, and trust that we’re exactly where we need to be.

  • How I Broke Free from My Toxic Need to Achieve

    How I Broke Free from My Toxic Need to Achieve

    “If it’s out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too.” ~ Ivan Nuru

    “Honey, we’re gonna call you an ambulance.”

    The woman on the other end of the phone at the hospital call center sounded stern as I lay on my bathroom floor in my robe, writhing in pain, barely able to speak.

    I never knew you could hyperventilate from pain, I remember thinking.

    It was December, and I’d just returned home from a stressful international work trip with jet lag and exhaustion as my souvenirs. The sensitive, introverted parts of myself I normally shoved under the veneer of Ms. Capable Can-Do-It-All were overstimulated by the constant activity and overwhelmed by interacting with so many coworkers in a city I didn’t know.

    During the trip, my cousin called me. They never call me.

    “Grandpa died,” they said.

    In my grief, I did my best to find last-minute flights back to see family in the US, but I missed my third connection and slept on the airport floor. I’d been pushing myself for months; by the time I finally walked through my apartment door, I was more than fried. I was burnt out. Then I came down with the worst flu of my life.

    And now, sudden stomach pains pulsed through my entire body, so intense I had to crawl to my phone to dial the hospital.

    As the EMTs arrived at my door, ready to whisk me away in an ambulance like an unglamorous Cinderella, I started being able to breathe again.

    Suddenly, I was much more aware of my surroundings. The awkwardness of two men in unfamiliar uniforms strapping me onto a stretcher and carrying me down the narrow stairwell like a cumbersome, delicate piece of furniture, into the back of the ambulance going only a few blocks away when I could usually walk there, was surreal. I felt detached from my life somehow, as if I was witnessing it from the outside.

    Right then, the whole situation struck me as, for lack of a better word, funny.

    I can’t wait to see what’ll go wrong next! I thought, almost laughing.

    As I sat quietly in my hospital bed with an IV in my arm and my pain finally eased, I realized something.

    In this moment, there was nothing I could do about my health. Whatever diagnosis the doctor was going to walk in and give me, I couldn’t change it.

    All I could do was be present. And I found that incredibly…freeing.

    I’d spent the better part of three years burnt out, mostly miserable, and continuing to push through, no matter how exhausted I was, or how much everything in my body and the back of my mind was telling me to STOP.

    However, I didn’t listen. I was too focused on succeeding in my dream job, the job I’d worked myself to the bone for years to land. I was damned if I’d let something as silly as my body get in the way of my dreams.

    But right then, in my blue-and-white-striped hospital gown, I had a gut thud of knowing that things had to change.

    I needed to let go. Of the dream that wasn’t really mine anymore. Of holding on so tight to what I knew that I wasn’t letting myself breathe or acknowledge what was true for me.

    I needed to let go of the idea that I could force myself into happiness by achieving more. It wasn’t working. I just felt empty.

    I needed to start trusting myself more. Not the loud inner dictator part of me who constantly scolded me for not working hard enough—I’d been trusting that part too much already. No, I needed to start trusting that gentle voice inside that whispered, “Hey, take a break…it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to just let yourself be.”

    I also realized I needed to start taking up more space in my life instead of giving it all away to work and other people. I wanted to live in a way that brought out my softer, more compassionate, more authentic self, not just the tough, competent leader part of me who fulfilled everyone else’s expectations first. I wanted to figure out how to be who I actually was, not just who I thought I should be.

    Because that part was so, so tired. Frankly, she needed to lie down and take a nap. And figure out who she was when she wasn’t performing.

    So ultimately, that’s what I did.

    (Yes, the nap. But also the figuring out.)

    Maybe you know what I mean. Maybe you’re at a crossroads where you don’t know where to go next, you just know it’s not where you are. Maybe you feel torn between your ambitious side and the part of you that knows that how you feel on the inside is more important than how your life looks on the outside.

    If so, here are a few things that helped me, and might help you, too.

    1. Embrace the pause.

    When you spend your whole life being rewarded for ignoring your body’s signals and pushing through for work, it can feel like sacrilege to give yourself a moment to rest. Do it anyway.

    Lie on your bed, breathe, and stare at the ceiling for five minutes. Commit to doing absolutely nothing, no matter how strong your urge is to be productive. And then do it again. Work can wait—your well-being is worth it. And ultimately, the more you include yourself and your needs in what you do, the more successful and productive you’ll be, even if it takes a little longer to get there.

    2. Listen to your inner nurturer.

    See what happens when you tune in to your inner world, and if you can hear the gentle voice inside that whispers, “Take a break; it’s okay to rest.” It might not be there right away; that’s okay. Being kind to ourselves is a practice, and it can take time to develop.

    How can you tell the difference between your inner dictator and your inner nurturer? The dictator, when you listen long enough from the place of mindful observation, usually starts to sound like your parent or teacher or middle-school volleyball coach. Your inner nurturer sounds like you, or if you grew up in the eighties, maybe like the Empress from The Neverending Story.

    You’ll know the difference because when you hear the first one, your body will tense up; when you hear the second one, your body will relax.

    3. Get curious about your self-worth.

    Sometimes as kids, we learn that we have to earn love and approval by working really hard, being responsible, or being good. When we grow up, this can translate beautifully to the working world, because there’s always a new way to improve, something else to do, or someone else to impress.

    But what if your sense of confidence didn’t depend on being the best, the most responsible, or the hardest worker? Take a moment and sit with the question: Who could I be if I felt loved and accepted just as I am, even when I’m relaxing and doing nothing? Even when I’m mediocre at something? Even when I’m just being? 

    Bring some curiosity, with as little judgment as you can muster, to when you feel most “worthy.” If it’s usually when you’re doing something for someone else, or in achieving mode, I invite you to see if you can expand your sense of worthiness to when you’re not doing anything at all. Or even, gasp, when you make a mistake. It can be a long road to finding peace and feeling worthy of love and connection just as you are, but in my experience, it’s worth it.

    4. Redefine success on your terms.

    Challenge the conventional definitions of success that may have guided your life so far. You can even journal about it: what does success actually look like for you based on your values, passions, and commitment to personal growth?

    True fulfillment comes not from meeting external expectations but from aligning your achievements with your authentic self. It doesn’t matter how fast you’re going if you’re headed in the wrong direction.

    We often get caught up in the pursuit of success, attached to goals that might have lost their relevance along the way. Just like I did. It’s easy to ignore the signs when our bodies are screaming for a pause, a moment of relief. But, as cliché as it might sound, life is pretty short, and it’s not worth it to sacrifice our well-being on the altar of ambition.

    So allow yourself the freedom to reassess your dreams when you need to, and adjust how you’re spending your time and energy at this stage in your life. See what it might be like to let go just a little bit; to trust that it’s okay to change, to evolve, and to prioritize your health and happiness over what others expect of you, or even what you used to expect from yourself.

    See if, in moments of overwhelm or uncertainty, you can take a breath, tune in to your body, and listen to your deepest knowing, trusting that the path you walk in every moment can be fulfilling in and of itself.

    Because isn’t that what life is all about?

  • Why True Happiness Is Not Just About Reaching Your Goals

    Why True Happiness Is Not Just About Reaching Your Goals

    “Success isn’t about how your life looks to others. It’s about how it feels to you.” ~Michelle Obama

    Do you have goals? Why do you have these goals? What will change if you accomplish them?

    Will you be happy?

    Think about this for a second: You’ve already achieved goals that you said would make you happy.

    Pause.

    Think about that again.

    You’ve already achieved goals that you said would make you happy.

    Well, that’s a humbling reality check, isn’t it? So why aren’t you experiencing everlasting happiness and satisfaction?

    No matter the goal’s size, the reward level, or the amount of success achieved, it all passes in the blink of an eye.

    Wherever you go, there you are, my friend.

    Actress Emma Watson, known for her role in the Harry Potter series, said, “I’ve realized that the success I’ve been seeking is not the success I want. I’m no longer sure what my own ambitions are or what success even means.”

    Singer-songwriter Justin Bieber said, “I’m a person who has feelings and I’m sensitive. All these things that people think are wonderful, it’s like, I don’t even know what this means. I just want to be happy.”

    Entrepreneur and author Tim Ferriss said, “The 4-Hour Work Week was a runaway success, but it didn’t make me happy. In fact, it made me more stressed out and miserable than ever before. I realized that true happiness comes from doing work that you love, not from achieving external success.”

    In his autobiography Open, Tennis player Andre Agassi wrote about his realization after winning his first Wimbledon title: “I thought it would be the greatest moment of my life, but it wasn’t. I felt empty. Winning Wimbledon was just another step in the journey.”

    Musician John Mayer said, “I thought that if I had a hit record, I’d finally be happy. But then I had a hit record, and I was still the same guy with all the same problems. I had to learn that happiness comes from within, not from external achievements.”

    Every single one of these people struggled because their identity became tied to external validation.

    No longer were they pursuing their craft for the love and passion they once had; the unhealthy relationship with the goal made it an ugly means to an end that left them feeling directionless.

    If you want to remain happy, give yourself a process that creates enjoyment.

    It’s the progress we make toward the goal that makes us happy. It’s living up to our potential.

    It’s doing something that makes your life feel like it matters. It’s the decision to make something a priority in your life. This is the only thing that will change your life.

    There’s nothing you can buy or achieve that leads to everlasting happiness.

    Every job is a joke in comparison to raising a child. There’s not even a close second.

    Parenting cannot be mastered like a skill acquired by a mechanic because there is no set formula or blueprint for raising a child. Every child is unique, and the challenges and joys of parenting are constantly changing.

    Unlike a skill that can be honed through practice and experience, parenting requires adaptability, patience, and a deep understanding of each child’s individual needs and development. Every parent is navigating the journey of parenting without a definitive manual, learning and growing alongside their child.

    Put simply: Every parent is hanging on for dear life. You’re simply along for the ride.

    Yet, it’s given me the most joy I’ve ever had.

    And this is from a guy who once popped MDMA like they were candies from his grandma’s purse: there’s no delight more unspoiled than the cascade of dopamine that drenches your mind, a waterfall of ecstasy, tranquillity, and pleasure that quenches your thirst for happiness.

    But holy crap, the other side of that pill was a water slide straight into hell. The recreational use of ecstasy was my own means to an end. It left me hollow, nightmarishly depressed, and unwilling to cope because life felt black and white.

    Having a daughter brought color back into my life.

    I didn’t even want to be a dad until my mid-thirties. Mainly because I felt like a train wreck and, selfishly, I thought it would make me unhappy.

    Now I feel like every day has meaning. There is no end goal. There’s only the North Star of living up to my potential as a person and father. It feels like my life matters. I have a priority that’s bigger than myself.

    And it’s the sobering reminder that kids (and adults) don’t hear the words you say, they watch your actions.

    The shit you actually live and breathe.

    They see what you value by your behavior.

    When I decide to show up despite feeling depressed, I’m happy not because I’ve achieved something but because my action is a vote toward the person I want to become.

    That person, to me, is someone who doesn’t shy away from obstacles. That person sees value in being vulnerable. That person acts out of integrity because true alignment is the only thing that makes us happy. Why? Because that person takes action even when no one is watching. That person knows that happiness comes from within.

    Your journey might be riddled with self-doubt and past mistakes, but remember, happiness isn’t a destination; it’s found in our everyday choices and the actions we take.

    For starters, live by your values, every single day.

    Every morning, take a quiet moment to reflect on your core values as you sip your coffee or tea. Then, decide on one action you can take that day that mirrors those values. This isn’t about grand gestures but the simple, everyday decisions that sculpt the canvas of your life.

    Next, revel in the journey, not just the destination.

    Think of the celebrities and their revelations. It was never about the final accolade but the thrilling ride that got them there. It’s not the finish line that counts most, but the steps taken, the hurdles overcome, the growth experienced.

    So pick something you’re passionate about. Work at it, bit by bit, every day. Find joy in every small victory, every lesson learned. Relish the journey, not just the anticipation of the destination.

    Lastly, value relationships and personal growth over trophies.

    The most profound joys often bloom from genuine human connections and the growth we experience alongside them. Set aside some time each day, even if it’s just a few minutes, to connect deeply with a loved one, a friend, or even with yourself. The treasure lies not in the praises the world showers on you but in the smiles you share, the understanding you build, and the personal battles you conquer.

    It’s not just about achieving your goals; it’s about realizing your worth, showing up for yourself and the people you love, and recognizing that you and your choices matter.

  • How I’m Learning to Feel Confident Without Approval

    How I’m Learning to Feel Confident Without Approval

    “Children need to feel seen. Adults do, too.” ~Unknown

    As a teenager, I played the flute for about nine years. I never practiced—apart from that guilt-ridden last half hour prior to my weekly lessons. It was important for my parents that their children learned a musical instrument, and so I was given the flute, while my brother played the clarinet (bizarrely, because our grandmother had wanted someone to play Mozart’s clarinet concerto at her funeral).

    Truth be told, I think my brother would have much rather learned the guitar, while I was very envious of his clarinet (he got around playing Mozart at my grandmother’s funeral, by the way).

    Inevitably, we both ditched our instruments as soon as we hit adulthood—except for a few years at university where I played second flute in an amateur orchestra. I had a great time, simply because there is nothing like playing Mussorgsky’s Night on a Bare Mountain as part of an orchestra. It was pure magic.

    When I turned forty, I decided that if I ever did want to learn the clarinet, I ought to do it now, rather than wait until retirement.

    High Expectations

    My clarinet teacher turned out to be a softly spoken man in his fifties, always friendly, ever so polite, someone who had spent his entire career at our local music school and a grammar school for musically gifted children. A fair number of them have been regular (and successful) contestants at the Jugend musiziert competition—a prestigious award for aspiring young musicians here in Germany.

    That aside, I knew nothing about my clarinet teacher, so I googled his name (as one does) and stumbled upon an old newspaper article.

    In it, he was quoted saying that untalented students gave him no real joy.

    Crikey! I was not untalented, I knew that. However, I was quite old to pick up the clarinet, so I reckoned I’d be one of those students he’d rather not teach. Not a nice feeling!

    To be fair to him, I have no idea if those lines were his actual words or something the journalist had concluded from what he had said. I never brought up the subject with him. Either way, right from the start, our lessons weren’t quite going the way I’d expected them to go.

    For instance, we never covered any basic technique. He obviously expected me to figure this out myself. In the beginning, we focused on simple tunes for children. It felt like he wasn’t even trying to teach me anything. By Christmas, I was so bored that I brought along a clarinet concerto that I had nicked from my brother’s stash of sheet music—just to make a statement.

    I will never forget that lesson. The look on his face was priceless. Danzi’s Concerto in C-Major was a million times harder than anything he had ever played with me. Suddenly, I felt like he was treating me a bit more seriously.

    Yes, I admit, a part of me felt very smug at his realization that he had underestimated me. Mainly, though, I still felt awful. I sensed I had climbed his approval ranking purely based on my abilities. It was a shaky victory that could be taken away from me just as soon as I made a mistake.

    Somehow, it reminded me of something from my childhood. I just wasn’t sure what it was.

    Life without Feedback

    I practiced harder than I had ever done before. Frustratingly, I never got any feedback from him. No criticism, no praise, nothing. He remained completely indifferent to me. Every lesson was the same: He’d bring along sheet music, and we’d play together. He’d lecture me about the composer or the piece’s musical merits, but no word regarding my ability or the obvious problems I was having with my clarinet.

    After a while I felt silly, like a frantic child jumping up and down in front of an adult shouting, “Notice me, notice me, please, please notice me!” I had no idea if I was doing well, or if I was a hopeless case. I had no idea where I measured up in comparison to the rest of the world. I was in limbo.

    “I am not learning anything from him,” I kept complaining to my partner, who also happens to be a professional musician. “Well, then talk to him about it or change teachers,” was his pragmatic solution. I didn’t do either, of course.

    A Million Miles Just to Feel Seen

    Instead, I went on a summer course designed for adults who just play music as a hobby. That’ll show my teacher I am serious about the clarinet, I thought.

    I couldn’t find anything suitable in Germany, so I had to go all the way to the UK for that. Even though I don’t regret going (the course was amazing!), I find travel stressful and was already shattered before the course had even started. More than once I asked myself why I was putting myself through all this hassle.

    Was I really doing it because I loved the clarinet and wanted to learn how to play? Or was there another reason, one that I perhaps would not like to admit to myself?

    I remember pondering this while waiting for the course to start. We’d been asked not to turn up before 6 p.m., so I’d spent the day in Cambridge. It wasn’t university term time, but the streets were crowded anyway with tourists and noise and bustle. It was too hectic for me, plus I was lugging around a heavy backpack and a clarinet case. So I fled to Parker’s Piece, a public park between the train station and ancient colleges of Cambridge University.

    As I sat in the grass and watched a local cricket match, it occurred to me that I had literally traveled a thousand miles just to be noticed by someone whose opinion shouldn’t really matter to me. It made no sense to me.

    I thought back to my childhood and why I had stuck to playing the flute, an instrument that I had never cared for to begin with. Suddenly it all became very obvious.

    Ghosts from the Past: Childhood Strategies to Feel Worthy

    Music had been my ticket to recognition. Except that now, apparently, the ticket had expired.

    My parents (and indeed our teachers) had always given my brother and me the impression that we were musically gifted. Consequently, a large proportion of my motivation to play the flute stemmed from the fact that I received a pat on the back for it. My grandparents would attend every single concert, no matter how small my part would be. My parents would be there right next to them, beaming with pride. In those moments, I felt loved.

    I suppose I played my part well to please my parents, who in turn used my achievements to impress theirs. It’s funny how my parents never ceased to be my grandparents’ children.

    Afterward, they would compare my performance to others. Inevitably, my parents concluded that nobody could compete with me. This judgment was seldom correct and entirely unnecessary to boot. It left me with a weird mixture of pride and unease, which I later recognized as my rebellion against the idea that the most important thing in music—or indeed life as a whole—was to be better than everybody else.

    What is more, making your self-worth dependent on achievements is a fragile house of cards, because the very moment somebody better than you shows up, your confidence is in tatters.

    Yet that was what I had grown up with: The expectation to excel and to be better than the rest. In fact, my mother once admitted to me at point-blank she would have had trouble loving me if I had not been intelligent. In her eyes, only achievements made me a worthy person.

    For a child, there is nothing more precious than your parents’ approval. So of course I played the flute, and luckily, I played it well without having to work hard for it.

    Dishing out Achievement, Expecting Love in Return

    They say that if a childhood issue remains unresolved, it will continue to raise its ugly head in adulthood. You will keep rehashing the same old battles—not necessarily with your parents, but other significant people in your life acting as stand-ins for them. In other words, while the people and scenarios may be different, the underlying psychological mechanisms remain the same. You encounter the same difficulties and resort to the same coping strategies that you used as a child.

    My childhood issue was that my parents would only notice their children if we achieved something. Love was not unconditional. It was earned by merit.

    My clarinet teacher was not my father, of course, but it struck me that I was jumping through hoops once again to impress somebody, to gain approval. In fact, not long before I had had a similar situation with my horse-riding instructor, a woman who reminded me of my mother in more ways than I care to admit. She was always a little dismissive of me, and I kept doing the same metaphorical jumping jacks in front of her that I was now doing for my clarinet teacher.

    She proved a hard nut to crack. When I realized I was never going to get her attention with my riding skills, I reverted to an area where I thought I could impress: photography.

    I took photos of her horse-riding events and the horses, hoping she’d like them. She never took much notice, nor did she thank me. When a little while later somebody else started taking photos of her horses, she published them on her website and boasted about them everywhere. I was hurt and jealous.

    It was only in hindsight that I understood it had never really been about the photos or my instructor.

    I was simply treading old grounds, dishing out achievement and expecting attention in return. To my chagrin, neither my horse-riding instructor nor my clarinet teacher were clued in on the rules of this game that I had played so well with my parents.

    I still hadn’t grasped that achievement is no safe route to connecting with others. It was so contrary to anything I had experienced in my childhood.

    You Are Enough

    I wish I could claim that spotting this pattern in my behavior was enough to magically discard my desire to prove myself. That’s not what happened. I still want to feel seen. I still cherish praise. To some extent, that need is quite normal—acceptance by our peers is, after all, a basic need we all share.

    It ceases to be normal, though, when your self-worth is damaged by somebody’s unwillingness or inability to care about you.

    Now, whenever I catch myself frantically playing tricks to get somebody’s attention, whenever I feel the need to justify or defend myself, when I do more than is needed, I take a moment to breathe in and say, “Stop. You know your value. It is enough. You are enough.”

    What is more, when I realize my issue or coping strategy is really a ghost from my past, I try to protect others from becoming part of a problem that is not theirs. My parents’ attitude toward success is not my clarinet teacher’s fault. It is not fair to drag him into this. It is my issue—not his.

    Confidence in the Absence of Approval

    Ironically, ever since giving up waiting for a sign of approval from him, I find I can relax in his lessons a lot more. When things go pear-shaped, I remind myself that mistakes are a part of life. I praise myself for the progress I make. I try to be loving and kind with myself.

    Will I keep him as a teacher? Probably not. I don’t see myself improving if he fails to give advice on how to play the clarinet. But if and when I do change teachers, I want to be sure that it is for the right reasons, and not because I have self-worth issues. For now, I see my teacher as a great sparring partner to practise confidence in the absence of approval.

    In my childhood, I may have felt invisible unless I came home with good grades. However, there is no reason why I should treat myself the same way as an adult. My sense of self-worth is not dependent on achievement or the recognition by others. Or in the words of the wise Buddha:

    Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

  • How I Stopped Worrying About Running Out of Time to Achieve My Goals

    How I Stopped Worrying About Running Out of Time to Achieve My Goals

    “The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the step that you are taking at this moment. That’s all there ever is.” ~Alan Watts

    One thing that is promised to each one of us in life is death. No one will avoid dying or feeling the pain of losing others. From a young age I remember being aware of this fact, and it scared me.

    As I got older, I began to feel a sense of pressure that I was running out of time and loss was imminent. The thought of losing my loved ones and the uncertainty of what may happen worried me. I wanted to avoid the feelings of loss and limitation, so I unconsciously began to move faster.

    There was a deep fear that if things didn’t happen fast, they would not happen at all and that I wouldn’t have enough time.

    Faster became better, and I started the hamster race of working hard to achieve my dreams. Whether that was finishing school, starting a career, being in a healthy relationship, starting a family, being fit… even my spiritual journey became a race to happiness that only existed in the future!

    I realized later in life that this mindset was born out of fear—the fear of loss, the fear of the unknown—and protection from these fears was a quick accomplishment. It created an immense amount of stress and suffering because all goals and dreams take time to build.

    I believed sooner was better, and if it wasn’t fast then it wasn’t happening at all. I began to find reasons for why it wasn’t happening—that I was not good enough, life was unfair and hard, and it was not possible for me. Each time I repeated these limiting beliefs, I took one step away from my dreams and developed more anxiety.

    This led to a cycle of starting, quitting, and then searching for something different. I would garner the courage to start something new only to fall flat on my face when it didn’t happen. The cycle of shame would repeat, impacting my mental health and my ability to move forward.

    I wanted to see proof that I was achieving my goals and searched for tangible evidence to feel good while simultaneously ignoring all the wonderful things that were right before my eyes. Like living near the ocean, spending time with my loved ones, talking walks along the coast, having meaningful conversations with friends, and enjoying moments of quiet with my favorite cup of coffee. These mean so much to me now.

    I wanted the degree, the paycheck, the happy photo of me surrounded by friends, rather than the silence of uncertainty and the impatience I felt in the present. My fear of time took away the only real time that existed, the now.

    When I slowed down and paused, I realized that I had experienced so much growth and expansion in all the years I’d thought I was wasting time. Every roadblock had challenged me to change. In fact, my anxiety, fear, and disappointment around my slow progress led me inward to heal my relationship with time.

    Though many of my dreams did come true, I was only able to recognize them when I slowed down and let go of the “when.”

    I was able to achieve this by practicing meditation, breathwork, and awareness. With time and consistency, the present moment became filled with color, and its beauty swept me away from the ticking time bomb of the future. I began to enjoy each step of my journey, whether it was the beginning or end.

    With the gift of hindsight, I can see that it is not about the “when” but about the “what.” What I’m doing right now in the present. The number of negative and limiting beliefs I placed upon myself and the shame I felt were due to an emphasis on always “thinking forward,” and a lack of being with myself in the present.

    The truth is when we let go of our misconceptions of time and follow our dreams patiently, we see that time is not against us; the process is a necessary part of our journey.

    The time it takes to reach our goals is not empty; it is filled with learning and unlearning so that we find ourselves. In the end it is not the achievement that leads to freedom, but the wisdom that comes from living life.

    If we make the present moment our friend rather than our foe, we can experience and appreciate our present journey rather than focusing on our arrival.

  • Why Many of Us Chase Big Dreams and End Up Feeling Dissatisfied

    Why Many of Us Chase Big Dreams and End Up Feeling Dissatisfied

    “A dream written down with a date becomes a GOAL. A goal broken down into steps becomes a PLAN. A plan backed by ACTION makes your dreams come true.” ~Greg Reid

    We all have dreams, some of them really big. And if we are serious about achieving these dreams, the next logical step is to set a goal, make a plan, and start taking action.

    But we are missing out on one very important step in the dream-creating journey.

    This step is one that has taken me, personally, two decades to come to realize. And my first clue came from my kids’ bedtime story book, of all places!

    Down in the depths of the ocean lived a sad and lonely whale who spent his days searching and searching for the next shiny object, never feeling complete or fulfilled in his quest for more. Then one day, stumbling upon a beautiful reef, a clever little crab stops him and asks:

    “You are the whale that always wants more. But what are you really wanting it for?”

    We seem to spend our whole lives setting goals and planning out our dreams, but we rarely stop to ask ourselves what we want these things for. What do we want the new car, job, promotion or house for?

    If we stopped to think, and if we were really honest with ourselves, we would all have a similar answer. Because our goals and dreams often boil down to the same underlying human need for significance: to feel good enough, valued, validated, accepted, loved, or worthy.

    Most of our goals are essentially attached to our need to feel good enough in the eyes of others and ourselves.

    The Missing Step of Having an Unattached Goal

    Having an unattached goal is the missing step in our dream-living process. It is such an important step for two simple reasons. When we have goals that are conjoined to the need to be good enough, we can only end up with one of two finish-line photos:

    • You on the podium with the winning medal around your neck, but looking around at the next shiny medal to chase, not fulfilled by your achievement.
    • You not crossing the finishing line, with an “I’m a failure” sign around your neck, left with an even bigger hunger for validation and self-worth.

    Cease the Endless Quest for More

    Just like in the children’s book The Whale Who Wanted More, a typical pattern is to chase goal after goal, finding that we are never satisfied for long and continually hatching plans for the next shiny object to chase.

    It makes complete sense when you realize that these goals are forged together with the need for significance, acceptance, or validation. Because if we don’t fill those needs first and instead use our goals to meet them, there is no car, house, promotion, or partner that will. And we will always be looking for that next thing to meet those needs.

    Cease the Self-Sabotage

    Self-sabotage was my MO for many years. Just like an ironsmith beating his flame-red metal into shape, I had beat and bent my purpose so that it would fulfill what I lacked in self-worth and what I secretly craved in acceptance and validation. I would be enough only when I achieved my purpose-related goal.

    And here’s the kicker—I not only needed to live my purpose in order to fulfill my need for significance, I also had to swim against the undercurrent of feeling like I wasn’t capable of actually doing it.

    The fear of failure was so real, because if I failed at this I wouldn’t get the validation and worth that I needed. So any time I felt like failure was in sight, I would give up and hatch a new plan to reach my purposeful goal, and in doing so, sabotage my own path to it. My way of seeing the world had become: better to keep the dream of a possibility alive than have the reality of failure come true.

    The Question That Opened My Eyes to My Attached Goals

    I lived for twenty years under the guise of a pure purpose, a burning flame to help others. And though that was very much part of my drive and work over the years, it was subtly intertwined with the need for recognition and “becoming someone.” And it had slowly and silently transformed into a shackle for self-worth and significance.

    About a month or two after reading that bedtime book to my children, I heard a question that split my tug-of-war rope in half; a question that left my goal on one side and my self-worth safely on the other. It gave me the separation, distance, and freedom I needed to be me and to go after my goals with no emotional agendas, just pure passion and purpose.

    And the magic question was:

    If you don’t get what you want, what would that mean about you?

    When I first heard that question, my answer came so quickly:

    I’d be a failure.

    It seemed like a simple mathematical truth to me: don’t achieve my life-long goal equals failure. What other answer could there possible be?

    As it happens, there is only one right answer to this question. And it wasn’t the one I gave. The right answer sounded simple. There was nothing complicated about it, but it just didn’t sit, settle, or disperse in any way. It just kind of hung there in front of me, just waiting for something to happen.

    And something did happen, about a week later.

    I was running through my typical pattern: the way I would always approach my purpose-related goals and how, after seeing and concluding that nothing would ever come from my efforts, just give up.

    But that day, I suddenly remembered the question, if you don’t get what you want, what would that mean about you?

    And more importantly, I remembered the right answer:

    Nothing.

    Yes, you read that right. The right answer is nothing. Not getting what you want changes nothing about who you are. You are still you.

    You are still worthy. You are worthy, whether or not you achieve your goal. When we tie so much meaning and worth to what we are trying to achieve it becomes a huge block. And we end up chasing that goal or that dream for all the wrong reasons: so that we don’t feel like a failure; so that we feel loved, accepted, and recognized.

    Your goals do not complete you. You are complete whether you achieve them or not.

    When you truly feel that not getting what you want means absolutely nothing about you, you know that you have an unattached goal. And when you have an unattached goal, you are free to go after it without those typical self-sabotaging patterns and to enjoy achieving your goal when you reach it.

    A dream written down with a date becomes a GOAL. A goal broken down into steps becomes a PLAN. A plan backed by ACTION makes your dreams come true.

    But a dream unattached to your self-worth is the real dream come true.

  • How We Can Overcome Our Obstacles When We Don’t Believe It’s Possible

    How We Can Overcome Our Obstacles When We Don’t Believe It’s Possible

    “If we can see past perceived limitations, then the possibilities are endless.” ~Amy Purdy

    Nature inspires me. There are hidden messages consistently on display. On my daily walks, I find myself interpreting these messages in relation to my life.

    One day, near the end of my walk, I was paying attention to the trees. A giant one caught my eye. Its magnificence was portrayed as morning sunlight peeked through the branches and bright green leaves.

    I noticed the enormity of its trunk, and then I saw the crooked fence.

    The giant tree trunk had grown so big that it pushed a section of the fence up off the ground. The fence barely had any balance left and looked as if it could topple over at any moment.

    As I watched all of this, I remembered another tree I had seen on one of my walks. The tree’s branches had grown so long and so thick, they struck through the slats on a metal fence. Big brown wooden knobs stuck out, encapsulating the thin wires. I was in such awe, I reached out and touched the chunky parts of the tree, thinking I could unwrap it from the fence. Not a chance. The fence had become a part of the tree.

    In seeing this tree, I thought, “Trees just do what they do. They continue to grow despite any objects that happen to be next to them.”

    These objects could appear as obstacles, but that does not stop the tree from growing. The tree adapts to its surroundings and keeps on keeping on. Depending on the barrier, the tree either continues to grow around it, or the tree ends up wiping out whatever is in its way.

    How is this symbolic in the life of a human?

    The nature of our true essence is to grow. Life seems to contain many events that are beyond our control. We find ourselves in situations where it seems we are being tested. Obstacles show up on our path, and we are faced with the question, “What do I do now?”

    But it really isn’t the obstacle that is in our way. It’s our beliefs about the obstacle that can stop us in our tracks. The tree doesn’t come up against the fence and stop growing. It just keeps doing what it’s supposed to do.

    Here is how this relates to an experience I went through in my early twenties. It was a true test of following my inner guidance instead of listening to the doubts of others around me, as well as my own uncertainties.

    At the age of twenty-two, I found myself pregnant, single, and living back at home with my mother. I was working an office job forty hours a week, making ten dollars an hour. Luckily, I had good health insurance, but what I didn’t have was a lot of self-confidence. I carried around shame.

    This was in the year 2001. Times had changed, right? Why was I so ashamed of being a young, pregnant, unwed girl?

    Because even in current times, that stigma was carried around deep in the trenches of society. And my own mother and older sisters had been through it, too. You could say the feeling of shame was passed down in many generations.

    After my son was born, I knew I had to do something different with my life. I received government help for food and baby formula, and my son was on government health insurance. Again, this only added to my shame because of the looks I would get at the checkout counter in the stores.

    But I knew I wanted to provide a better life for my son, and I knew there was something inside of me that wanted to grow beyond what I thought my potential was.

    I felt an inner calling to go into the medical field. So I decided to go back to college. Many obstacles showed up on my path once I decided to go for it.

    I hadn’t even enrolled in college yet, but when I began speaking aloud about my plan, fear set in, and people’s opinions fueled that fear.

    How would I attend college full-time with a four-month-old baby, work to provide for us, and find childcare in the meantime? Could I do it?

    Some people didn’t think so. They told me it would be too hard. They told me my son was too little, that I should wait until he was older.

    Attending college and raising my son would be too stressful. How did I plan to pay for tuition? Could I even get accepted into the highly competitive program, especially since I was already on academic probation?

    Right out of high school, I proved to lack ambition, and along with poor grades, I ended up dropping out of college after just two years of study. Now, how in the world was I going to get the university to accept me back, especially as a newly single parent?

    The obstacles kept appearing, left and right. A university advisor even told me that the program I wanted into was extremely challenging. He asked me, “Do you have family who can help you with your son? Because this program is rigorous and requires a lot of time.”

    Imagine, all of these stumbling blocks could have made me believe that I was not capable of pulling it off. I could have chosen to believe what I was hearing.

    I could have formed beliefs telling me my plan wouldn’t work. I had the choice to follow my inner guidance, my true essence, which pushed me ahead to grow, or I could believe my thoughts about it all being too hard. I could buy into the shame and the collective idea that I had no future.

    But there was something deep inside of me that knew I was meant to do this. I was meant to challenge all of the belief systems put in place that could hold me back.

    Back then, I did not know the power of positive thinking. I had never heard of manifestation. There were no tools in my toolbox to help push through any doubts. All I had was my inner guidance system and the strong desire to grow and show myself that I could do something really challenging.

    Four years later, after a lot of hard work, I graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in respiratory therapy and was already employed at a local trauma hospital. I was living out on my own with my son and supporting us with my single income. I had found my passion for life, too. I was helping people who were sick.

    Our lives are a reflection of what we believe is true and possible. The belief systems we have in place guide our thoughts, desires, and the actions we take or do not take to make things happen.

    Instead of letting your beliefs hold you back, use this process to grow around them.

    How To See Through Your Belief System

    1. Choose a specific goal you would like to meet or choose a current situation you would like to change.

    2. Write down every belief you have about that goal or situation, specifically, any beliefs you sense are holding you back.

    These beliefs include:

    “I don’t have enough time.”

    “I’m not smart enough.”

    “I’m too old.”

    “I don’t have enough experience yet.”

    “My family would never approve.”

    3. Take some quiet time to engage with these beliefs. Sometimes I find it helpful to think about these during walks, while driving, or while I’m out in nature.

    4. Question where these beliefs came from. Usually, you will see the restrictive beliefs come from somewhere outside of you. They are ingrained from childhood, simply adopted from your parents and caregivers. You will even see a lot of beliefs come from society on a collective level.

    5. Once you can see where the beliefs come from, you have a choice whether to keep believing in them. What worked for me was not to try to change my beliefs into the opposite but to keep identifying that the belief was outside myself. The belief was not a part of my inner guidance. And then I would choose to move past it, not allowing it to hold me back.

    Forward Movement

    Seeing through your belief system is not an overnight process. More than likely, the systems have been with you for a long time. It can take discipline and effort to recognize them when they arise.

    Recognition of your inner guidance during this process is vital. It will not fail you.

    Keep listening to your inner guidance, your true essence. It will take you beyond your wildest dreams. It will be the tree that grows through fences.

  • How I Stopped Being Busy and Why I’m Now More Fulfilled

    How I Stopped Being Busy and Why I’m Now More Fulfilled

    “Sometimes doing less is more than enough.” ~Kris Carr

    Two years ago I made a radical lifestyle shift.

    Prior to this change, I was constantly striving to do more, to achieve more, to be more. I was squeezing as much as I could into any given day. I was in conflict between building a business, working, studying, and having time for pleasure and fun. I was taking on way too much and losing myself in the process.

    Building a business is a lot of work, far more than I had imagined, and it takes time to generate consistent revenue that you can live off. In order to make ends meet it was necessary for me to have paid employment. I often had multiple part-time jobs, and at times I worked full-time running my business on the side.

    I studied and studied and studied for over a decade. When I completed one course I would start another. I have multiple certificates, diplomas, and even a master’s degree.

    I obsessively compared myself to others. Their achievements all seemed bigger and better than mine. This constant comparing made me feel inadequate and dissatisfied with my own successes. So I worked even harder to do more, achieve more, and be more.

    I felt guilty taking time to relax and play. I didn’t enjoy downtime because I felt like I was being lazy, and having a quiet moment also highlighted just how fatigued I was from living my workaholic lifestyle.

    Friends admired how much I was achieving, always commenting, “I don’t know how you do it all.” Quite frankly, neither did I. All I knew was that I was completely exhausted, I wasn’t happy, and I was becoming disconnected from the people I cherished the most.

    My life needed to change. I couldn’t continue to push through the fatigue anymore because I was beyond worn out. I wanted more joy and happiness in my life. I wanted to be more connected with those closest and dearest to me. I realized then I had to do less.

    Before I could start reducing my commitments, I had to first identify what was really important to me. These were the questions I asked myself:

    • What do I love to do?
    • What energizes me?
    • What brings me joy?
    • What do I really want?
    • What do I absolutely have to do?

    In an ideal world we’d get to only do what we love to do. But in reality, there are things we are obliged to do whether we want to or not. We can delegate some activities we don’t like doing, but other tasks only we can do.

    After identifying what was truly important to me and what I absolutely had to do—spending time with those closest and dearest to me, using my business as a way to teach and support others, engaging in activities that aided my physical and mental health so I could be my best self—it was time to stop doing things.

    There was a lot of discomfort with letting go. It was certainly an odd and unusual feeling to have space in my day, and I had to really fight the temptation to fill my days with an ever expanding to-do list.

    Next, I established boundaries to support doing less. Boundaries such as:

    • Not working after a set time each day
    • Not working weekends
    • Not checking emails or messages or looking at social media after a set time in the evening
    • Not checking emails, messages, or looking at social media in the morning until after breakfast
    • When on vacation, not working and limiting my screen time

    Setting boundaries meant I needed to get comfortable with saying no. I said no to being around people and in social situations that drained my energy, I said no to business opportunities that were not aligned with my overall business vision, I said no to further study and more qualifications because my ten-years plus of study and numerous qualifications were more than enough, and I said no to things that I really did not want to do.

    This was not easy for me. It is far easier for me to say yes, as I don’t like to let people down, and I don’t like to miss out on opportunities. But it was time for me to focus only on the essential and what would make the most impact to my life and business. I could no longer try to do everything.

    I had to remind myself that saying no was not actually a no, it was simply my prioritization, and by saying no I was saying yes to the things I really wanted and creating space for what matters the most to me.

    I also made a big mindset shift around my comparison with others. Instead of feeling less than others because of their success and achievements, I began to see others’ wins as an inspiration and reminder of what is possible.

    Additionally, it occurred to me that we only get to see other people’s highlights in life, work, and business, and this is a very inaccurate view. All we see is what they want us to see—their successes and achievements. We don’t get to see the hard work and failures they may also have experienced. Regardless of success and amazing wins, everyone experiences highs and lows.

    Much to my surprise, I also found out that successful people don’t say yes to everything; they’re much more strategic and only say yes to what will enhance themselves, and they’re very good at delegating. This knowledge changed my perspective around trying to do it all.

    By doing less I found I had more time, energy, and enthusiasm for the things most important to me. I felt more alive and joyful. The quality of my work I improved. And I became more present to life and people around me, which improved my relationships enormously.

    Occasionally I have moments where I feel like I should be doing more, but the happiness and fulfillment I feel from doing less overrides those moments. I can’t go back to how things used to be and experience the unhappiness and fatigue that resulted from constantly striving for more.

    Before anything gets on my calendar or I say yes to requests or tasks now, I ask myself these questions to guide my decisions:

    • How important is this to me?
    • Will this energize or exhaust me?
    • Do I absolutely have to do this?

    Doing less does not mean I do nothing; doing less means I spend more time doing what matters most to me, which makes my life happier and more fulfilling.

  • Why I’m Choosing to Be Happy Now, Not When I Feel Like a Success

    Why I’m Choosing to Be Happy Now, Not When I Feel Like a Success

    “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” ~Alan Watts

    I love how instant modern life has become.

    When I’m hungry, without really moving, I can instantly get food delivered to me. Pizza, of course. When I’m hungry for knowledge, at the touch of a button on my mobile, I can discover answers to the questions I’m pondering. No need to head to the library to search for and flick through books.

    Some would argue that this instantaneousness is making us lazy. Regardless, I find it astonishing the speed we can get what we want.

    Why, then, have I found myself delaying the one thing I want most—happiness?

    Like many of us, I’m driven. I love to challenge myself, set goals, and do my best to achieve them.

    There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious. It’s only a problem when I tell myself “I won’t be happy until… happens” or “I won’t be happy until I have…”

    When I set goals for myself, they’re naturally future-based, and when I tie my happiness to those goals, it too becomes a thing of the future.

    But is there another way? I’ve been pondering this question for a while, and I’ve decided to choose happiness before success. Here are three reasons why.

    1. There will always be more to achieve.

    In the past, once I achieved a goal, I’ve barely celebrated before setting a ‘’bigger, better’’ goal and moving on to the next thing.

    This focus on the next thing looks suspiciously like the journey we find ourselves caught up in as children. Little school. Big school. First job. Better job. Buy a house. Promotions. Buy a bigger house. Work. Working harder. Harder still.

    Alan Watts said this about getting to the end of our lives after chasing the illusive next thing: “But we missed the whole point all along, it was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance whilst the music was being played.”

    There will always be more. More success (whatever that looks like for us individually). More money, bigger houses, faster cars. We have to decide, at what point we are ‘’there’’? What if we were there now? What if we already have everything we need to be content and simply enjoy our lives, even if there’s more we’d like in the future?

    2. My happiness now will attract success in the future.

    With this journey we’re on, the assumption is that once we’re “there,” once we’ve “made it,” we’ll be happy. In other words, once we have success we’ll be happy. What if it was the other way around? What if once we’re happy, we will have success? Maybe not society’s definition of success, but success we’ve defined on our own terms.

    I’ve made a conscious effort over the last few months to make my happiness a priority. I’ve started to live my life my way. Prioritizing the habits that are most important to me, like meditation. Doing business in a way that lights me up, rather than what the gurus tell me. Exercising in a way I want to—daily walks in the forest—rather than listening to the experts who insist on joining a gym to get fit.

    As a result, I’m attracting the types of opportunities, experiences, and people I want to into my life. By doing things that feel right for me, I’m naturally aligning with the right people and situations.

    I’m also reinforcing to myself that I have everything I need. I’m already complete, I’m already enough, and I can feel good right now regardless of what kind of success I achieve in the future. I’m dancing to the music now, rather than delaying. And that, to me, is its own kind of success.

    3. It’s not really success we’re after.

    I’ve discovered that the only reason I want to achieve any goal is because I believe it is going to make me feel a certain way. When I set goals now, I ask myself, “Why do I want this?” I’ll continue to ask myself this until I get to a feeling.

    We don’t want more money for the sake of more money; we may want the feeling of security we believe it will give us, or perhaps a feeling of significance.

    We don’t want fast cars for the sake of fast cars; we want the feeling of fun we experience when driving at speed or maybe the sense of freedom the car gives us.

    It’s always the feelings we want. I’ve found that I can cultivate those feelings now.

    My walks in the forest give me a sense of freedom. Appreciating my health—which I often take for granted—can give me a sense of security. There are a million and one ways I can have fun today, without waiting for a fast car to be in my driveway; people-watching over coffee, calling an old friend, reading or watching a movie—the list of simple pleasures is endless!

    I’m not saying I’ve given up on having the success I want. There is nothing wrong with wanting and receiving the objects of our desires. I’ve just given up on the illusion that I’ll be happier once I’m “successful.”

    I’ve given up delaying how I wish to feel in the future and started creating those feelings now.

    I choose happiness now.

  • You Are Worthy Regardless of What You Achieve

    You Are Worthy Regardless of What You Achieve

    Woman Looking Up to the Sky

    “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” ~Albert Einstein

    I am pathetic. I am a walking, talking cliché (well, maybe not walking—I use an electric wheelchair).

    I am one of those people who is so desperate to overcome their own sense of lack that they create some giant obstacle to overcome, or some massive achievement to attain, in order to feel that they might just be worth something.

    I am an over-compensator, so desperate to feel okay about the fact that I am, in some ways, not as capable as other people that I seek to achieve the impossible—purely to show the whole world, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am enough.

    The great irony, of course,  when you do this is that the only one you’re really trying to please is yourself. You’re just afraid that you aren’t worthy, so you seek to prove that you are, through your achievements. It doesn’t work. Everybody can see what you’re trying to do.

    Your desire to achieve is fine, but it’s silly and fruitless to pin your self-worth on it.

    You might wonder why I’m being so down on myself. And the truth is, I’m just being honest. This is how I operated until recently. It’s part of personal growth, something we have to go through before we begin to realize the deeper truths about life.

    No grand achievement will fill any emotional hole in me. It just won’t. The more I hope it will, the less likely I am to achieve it. It makes a man (or woman) weak and pathetic to be reliant on achievement for his sense of self because ultimately, he’s giving over his power to things he can’t control.

    Rather than move me toward my goals, all the hoping, struggling, wishing, and trying to improve myself only seemed to make the hamster wheel spin faster.

    In actuality, it was just teaching me how to have control over myself. I learned that in order to try and get the things I was so desperate to have, I had to do things that were against my nature and control my emotional state.

    I had to fight to turn lethargy into energy, anger into desire, or boredom into enthusiasm instead of embracing my feelings and allowing myself space to explore them. It works, but it’s exhausting. Not quite as exhausting, however, as actually trying to do things.

    Forcing yourself to get up for the alarm, to work toward the goal that you desperately ‘need’ to feel worthy or complete, and yet makes you incredibly anxious and miserable, is one of the hardest and most trialling things you’ll ever do. And I’ve experienced a lot of trials. The better you get at it, the more stupid it seems, because you just get more miserable.

    You become a slave to your goals and desires. A robot. A cog in a machine of your own making. At least if I was just going to work for somebody else I’d be paid to work in a machine I wasn’t responsible for. Being a slave to the machine of your own dreams and ambitions is like being the owner, repairman, operator, and cog all in one. It’s impossible.

    Eventually you start to wonder: “Hang on, I thought this was supposed to make me free. And happy. Not a slave.” You’re right. That’s what it was meant to do. But it never could. You’re asking for the impossible.

    Dreams and ambitions are wonderful. They bring fire to your belly, light to the distant future, and meaning to your miserable failings. That’s all it does, though. It doesn’t change your present moment. It doesn’t change the reality. Right. Now.

    On my journey in life so far, I’ve experienced three distinct phases, each of which has taught me an important lesson.

    The Leaf in the Wind Phase

    I am just one little leaf being blown around in the giant storm of life, and my only real power is to observe and absorb the world around me. I have to accept the good with the bad as well as my place in the world. However, this left me feeling like a passive observer.

    Self-Improvement

    I discovered the power of self-direction, that I could change my beliefs, habits, and desires through effort. I could teach myself things, and direct my life toward that which caught my eye.

    I gained an incredible, if misguided, sense of control over my future and started to believe I could literally control my destiny. Even when this led to success, I became more and more like an automaton—a slave to the habits and beliefs necessary to achieve the goals that I believed would make me worthy.

    Waking Up

    I realized using my self-improvement as a measure of my self-worth was a bit obnoxious, not to mention futile. Even if I got what I wanted, there would always be something bigger and better to measure myself by; I’d never be enough.

    Waking up involves discovering that you don’t need to change who you are; you are enough, just as you are. That doesn’t mean you can’t pursue change. You just do the things you have to do, step by step, without any attachment to a particular outcome. That’s it. You simply act.

    You start to like yourself, primarily because you get to know yourself. And you find that actually, you were pretty cool all along.

    The irony is, the outcomes we become attached to prevent us from ever getting what we really seek. Nobody wants to be rich or famous; they want to be significant and connected to other people. Those things come as a result of your process, the actions you take every day, not the outcomes we tie our self-worth to.

    The biggest part of ‘waking up’ for me was realizing that my obsession with audacious goals was my way of avoiding the real changes I needed to make, which were broadly around learning to like myself.

    Now that I’ve made some of those changes, my goals are less important to me and simultaneously more likely to come to fruition. All because I want to achieve my goals, I don’t need them to feel worthy or complete.

    I no longer feel that I have to change who I am to get what I want, which means I no longer repress my feelings. If I’m feeling moody, sad, or lazy, I embrace that and give myself a break instead of telling myself I’m wrong to feel how I feel.

    I’ve learned that we don’t need to control everything around us. We couldn’t even if we wanted to. There is only now. This very second is all we have, and will ever have.

    You can have goals, that’s fine, you can work toward them, that’s also fine, but to tie yourself up in a tight knot of stress and mental chatter is just a recipe for misery.

    Waking up begins when you realize that you don’t need to achieve anything specific to be worthy, happy, or at peace.

    Woman looking up to the sky image via Shutterstock

  • Your Worth Is Not Dependent on What You Do or Accomplish

    Your Worth Is Not Dependent on What You Do or Accomplish

    Carefree Man

    “A life’s worth, in the end, isn’t measured in hours or money. It’s measured by the amount of love exchanged along the way.” ~Unknown

    I’ve had a go-go-go personality for as long as I can remember. I think I was born with it.

    Both of my parents were small business owners who truly believed that with enough hard work and heart-and-soul dedication, you can accomplish anything.

    By the age of three, I was a gymnast; by early elementary school, a competitive one, with a coach who was constantly (and sometimes aggressively) pushing me to the next level.

    Therein began the scheduling of every minute of my time: from school, to two-hour practices, to homework on the road, to weekend competitions, to girls’ slumber and birthday parties.

    I wanted to do it all, and to be the best at all I did. I hadn’t even reached high school and had already joined the universal struggle for work/life balance!

    The especially vicious part of this cycle was that, when I found myself falling short in any one area (for example, not being quite “good enough” for the popular group of girls in school), I would drive my energy fiercely into other areas, such as academic success, which my teachers noticed and encouraged.

    I graduated from high school at the top of my class, and Suma Cum Laude in my Bachelors and Masters degrees. (Both programs were in Psychology, by the way—even then, I tried to understand and connect more deeply with myself and others).

    Following grad school, I continued the fast-paced life and entered my first corporate career as a wellness facilitator.

    I traveled all over the U.S. and internationally too, to deliver a workshop that was, ironically, based in self-care and listening to your body. I certainly wasn’t practicing either of those things, but I was receiving praise from my bosses and respected colleagues.

    One of my more memorable breakdowns came toward the end of the first year on the job. Sitting in yet another airport, for yet another delayed flight home, I’d just had it. I was chronically stressed and exhausted; pale, thin, and fragile; and physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually spent.

    It terrified me to imagine living life another year at this pace; it was equally terrifying to listen to what my heart was and had been calling for, for some time: to slow down.

    The Universe had been gently coaxing me toward this moment for a few years by introducing a yoga practice, essential oil use, acupuncture, and many healing modalities and healers into my life. But rather than embracing the healing fully, I turned each experience into an opportunity to do yet another thing.

    Yoga? I became an instructor. Essential oil use? I became a distributor. Acupuncture? I turned it into a working relationship and an opportunity to build my network for my healing business.

    It’s as if my ego simply wouldn’t accept or allow such radical acts of self-care without some sort of business case outside of my being.

    Deep, deep down, at my very core, I didn’t believe I was worthy of slowing down, of being taken care of, of feeling good.

    I, by myself, unattached from all the things that I did, wasn’t good enough. And how could I be? I’d built my life, my whole identity, on doing a lot, being good at all that I did, and looking for approval outside of myself.

    I was the one that took on the world, the one that could clean, cook, be a great girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, and thrive in a successful career. And to anyone outside of myself, that is what it looked like—that I had it all, and had it all together.

    According to my boss and the corporate world, I was a “high potential”; according to societal standards, I should’ve been on top of the world happy.

    But guess what? I was massively broken, empty, and unhappy. And that’s part of what kept me looped in, continually striving for the next thing; unfortunately, because I’d learned to search solely outside of myself, that is where my worth delicately hung as well.

    Throughout life, I’d also caught glimpses of my true and inherent worth.

    I saw it in giving—sharing a special connection with a yogi during one of my classes; hearing feedback from a participant in one of my workshops that they would finally commit to taking care of themselves. And I also found it in receiving—hugs and thoughtful gestures from my boyfriend (now fiancé, whom I rarely saw at the time); an especially connected meditation or journaling session; a deeply meaningful conversation.

    And the connection that exists within each of those acts is embracing love, wholeheartedly. Believing that what we have to offer is enough, without condition, and that we are worthy of receiving such love the same way that we give it—freely.

    The truth is, our worthiness doesn’t reside in doing; it lies within our very being. It’s unchanging, unwavering, and infinite. But we can certainly convince ourselves of the former and spend our lives hustling for the worthiness that we’ll never find in doing.

    So how do we get there? How do we shift from identifying ourselves with what we do to who we are?

    For me, understanding this truth didn’t come with one massive blow to the ego; it happened in gradual shifts. Here are the practices that help me remember my unconditional worth and live a beautifully fulfilled and blessed life:

    1. Openness.

    Be willing to accept and embrace what comes, believing that it is for your own and the collective highest good.

    This really helped me release my urge to control, to come back to my inner truth, and to focus on being versus doing.

    2. Choice/perspective.

    Remember that in any given situation or experience, you have the choice to see through the eyes of fear or love.

    We are often faced with this one when we are putting our full selves out there in our careers, our relationships, and even our passions and hobbies.

    A fear mindset might keep us stuck in self-limiting beliefs, such as:

    • I really want the job, but there’s no way I’m qualified.
    • He/she is so great, but would never notice me.
    • I love to paint/sing/dance, but there’s no way I could ever do anything with it.

    A loving mindset encourages us to remain open and curious, without attaching our worth to the outcome:

    • I can’t ignore this job opportunity; I’m smart, experienced, and I owe it to myself to explore the possibility.
    • I really feel a connection with him/her; I should at least explore a conversation and see where it takes us.
    • I really feel the best of my energy comes out when I paint/sing/dance, and I’d like to share that energy with the world in a way that makes sense for me.

    3. Asking for what you need.

    Know that it is okay and necessary to say “no” sometimes, and to ask for help! And know that this doesn’t make you any less of a person; in fact, it creates space for you to keep your light shining and for others to step into their own light, as well. (This one is still an ongoing struggle for me).

    4. Surrender vs. striving.

    We are creatures of habit, and though I am totally and intentionally committed to slowing down and embracing self-care, I still find myself unnecessarily filling my time and getting dragged back into the worthiness hustle.

    Rather than beating yourself up further and digging the hole deeper, take a deep breath and surrender. Ask for guidance from the Universe and then listen and try to honor and trust what comes.

    When I fully commit to this, I usually feel a wave of calm wash over me almost instantly.

    So please, stop the chaotic and fruitless search for worthiness outside of yourself. Slow down, listen, and honor your body and soul’s cravings. Commit to embracing all that you are, and come back to your true nature—peace and happiness.

    Carefree man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Realize Your Dream When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    How to Realize Your Dream When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    Dreamer

    “Come, even if you have broken your vow one thousand times, come, yet again, come, come.” ~Rumi

    I read these words on a plaque in the middle of climbing a small mountain, in the middle of northern Spain, in the middle of a hot summer, at the end of my thirty-third year.

    My eyes filled with tears and even as I brushed them away, adjusted my pack, and continued climbing up the mountain, the words echoed in my mind

    I was walking the Camino de Santiago, a 500-mile pilgrimage route that runs across the north of Spain. I’d started my walk three weeks ago in St Jean Pied de Port, a small French village in the Pyrenees.

    That first day I climbed through the mountains and crossed into Spain, and from there I walked through all kinds of terrain: rolling hills, wide open spaces, tracks through forests, rocky paths winding through vineyards.

    The total route would take me thirty-one days and my final destination was Santiago de Compostela, a city in the northwest corner of Spain, where legend has it that the remains of St James the Apostle were buried in a crypt beneath the cathedral.

    People had been making this pilgrimage for centuries, and now I was one more of the hundreds of thousands—millions—to make the journey.

    I’d chosen to walk this pilgrimage for so many reasons, reasons that I couldn’t even fully understand. On my first night in France, before even stepping foot on the Camino, a Frenchman asked me why I was walking. It was a question that would come up again and again, but that first night, after hearing his question, I froze.

    How do I answer this at all, much less in French?

    My first steps out of France were shaky: I was scared and clueless, having no idea what I was getting myself into. But quickly those steps grew confident. I faced challenges: steep hills, a spider bite on my leg, walking fifteen miles without coffee, losing my guidebook.

    But I walked through those challenges, and in doing that, I found joy. I found friendship and connection and fun. But always, as I walked, my mind was searching for answers.

    What was the purpose of this walk? What was I looking for? Where was I going with my life? What is my direction?

    Big stuff.

    My life before the Camino was, for all intents and purposes, fine. I’d had my share of struggles, particularly with love, but I was doing okay. I had a good job, a supportive family, close friends, a home I adored.

    It all looked okay, the picture of my life, but it wasn’t enough. It never quite felt like enough.

    Here was my pattern: I’d vow to change my life and go after my dreams. Vow to take a writing class or buy a camera lens. Vow to quit my job and travel or start my own business or write a book.

    Vow and vow and then five years would go by and I’d take stock of where I was. I’d submitted a few essays but never wrote a book, I’d traveled a bit but I never quit my job.

    I’d reach a little and then I’d pull back. Because I was scared, and because I might fail.

    I broke my vow one thousand times.

    How do I start again after breaking my vow? How do I find my direction?

    My answer, it turns out, was simply this: take a step. I found direction by starting to move.

    I still don’t fully know where I’m going, but, amid dozens of other lessons from my Camino, I learned two very important things.

    The first is that it’s okay to break my vow, or to change my direction, because I can always come back. And the second is to make a decision and to start.

    I was terrified as I took my first steps on the Camino, but once I was on the way I just kept going. One step at a time and before I knew it, I’d just walked across a country.

    If I can do that, I can write a book. I can run a marathon, and I can travel the world. It’s scary and it takes works—oh boy, does it take work—but I can do it.

    Here are four key things that helped me in climbing that first mountain and finding direction:

    1. Start with a single step.

    It seems obvious, and we hear it time and time again, but it is the most valuable piece of advice that I could give.

    Nothing, and I mean nothing, starts without a first step. But I also learned this: if you fail, if you start and then stop, if you break your vow, it’s okay. Just come back. Start again. But always remember to start.

    And your first step does not have to be big. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s a small step, because then the next step won’t be so daunting. If you start with small steps, it’s easier to keep going.

    My first steps (before I even set foot on the Camino) were small: a short blog post that I didn’t share with anyone, joining the Y, and walking a few times around the track. These weren’t big steps, but they were something.

    2. String those steps together.

    After your first step, take another. And then another. Just keep moving.

    Often when we start moving and stringing steps together, we gain momentum. The ball gets rolling and we get caught up in that motion, and then we’re in it. It feels easier to keep moving.

    But what if something derails us and we hit a wall? What if we get stuck? What if we have trouble starting back up?

    3. Enlist your cheerleaders.

    It’s hard to do stuff on our own. It’s isolating, and it becomes easy to start thinking that we’re all alone in whatever we are doing or feeling. The truth is that we’re never alone, but in order to feel like we have a team and that people understand, we first need to find those people.

    So find your cheerleaders. Identify the people in your life who you’d like on your team, and then tell them that they’re on your team.

    Maybe it’s the friend who always wants to hear about your dreams and provides encouragement and support. Maybe it’s your parents, maybe it’s your neighbor, maybe it’s a distant Facebook connection or a follower on Twitter.

    Whoever these people may be—whether it’s one or one hundred and one—find them, and tell them about your goals and dreams. They will be there to build you up when you struggle, and they will help to keep you accountable in your goals.

    4. Always remind yourself of your goals and dreams.

    Sometimes when we get off track, we let it happen because we lose sight of our goals. They’re covered up by the more immediate stuff: what to cook for dinner, weekend plans, TV shows, social media. Without being reminded of our goals, it’s easy to keep pushing them off to another day.

    I’m a visual person, so when I set goals for myself, I use charts, vision boards, even a list of key words or quotes on an index card, taped to my mirror. Having daily reminders of my goals makes it harder to fall into the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ trap.

    —

    So start with that single step. Make a vow and even if you break that vow, keep coming back. Come back one thousand times, but always come back.

    Dreamer image via Shutterstock

  • How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    “Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.” ~Unknown

    I used to think that getting to a goal only required tangible action. It was a simple equation:

    • Study hard in high school = getting admission to a good university.
    • Or, diet + exercise = losing weight.

    Yet, life is not always that straightforward. It’s not always just about physical action.

    Just a few years ago, when I was building my first business, there was something getting in my way, something that had nothing to do with the physical action I took. It was worry.

    Building a business has the magical ability to bring any type of fear out in the open. Unexpectedly, I found myself thinking:

    • What if it doesn’t work?
    • What if my friends think I’m crazy?
    • What if it takes forever to get somewhere?
    • Why am I doing this?

    It wasn’t long before I realized that these types of thoughts were interfering with my progress. The more I focused on them, the less physical action I took for my business, and the more likely I was to feel burnt out.

    Most importantly, the more I worried, the more likely I was to take the wrong physical action, the action that would count more as “busywork” rather than “effective work.”

    I knew I had to find a solution out of this. Ugh. “If I were a robot, then I wouldn’t have any of these problems!” I thought.

    Think about it: If we were robots, then these simple physical action equations would actually work. We would wake up in the morning, do our thing, stick to our schedule, and lo and behold, our dreams would materialize. No struggle, no “I don’t feel like doing it,” no distractions, no “What if it doesn’t work?”

    If we were robots, then our productivity would be close to 100%, and we would achieve our dreams two times, four times, maybe even ten times faster! Plus, we would get there without struggle. Aahh, that sounds so nice.

    I realized that physical action was no longer enough. We also need to be in the right state of mind—let me say, the “robot” state of mind.

    If we only take physical action, then we’ll only be working harder for nothing. For example, if you want a promotion, you don’t to only work harder; you also need to communicate your accomplishments so that others know how valuable your contributions are.

    However, if you’re afraid to stand up for yourself, then you’ll be left feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

    So to get the promotion, yes, you need to work harder, but you also need to overcome your fear of standing up for yourself. If you only work harder, then despite your hard work, you’ll still not get the promotion.

    So the winning equation is: Work harder + develop ability to stand up for yourself = promotion.

    If you think like a robot, then you’ll stand up for yourself in full confidence. No problem! If you don’t think like a robot, then all sorts of second-guessing glitches may come up.

    But let me clarify: By robot, I’m not referring to deactivating our feelings. Au contraire! We need feelings to march forward. We need excitement and optimism. We even need worry sometimes. What we don’t need though is excessive worry.

    Worrying about an issue for five minutes and then doing something to solve it isn’t excessive worrying. When we worry about things we can’t control, ask “What if this and that?” and second-guess ourselves, we just get in our own way.

    But how do you worry less? How do you turn self-doubt? How do you think more like robot? The answer lies in this Master Technique.

    Here’s what happens when you don’t think like a robot:

    Say you want to get leaner and fitter. You go to a yoga class where everyone is doing better than you.

    You start thinking, “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    After an hour of berating yourself about not being fit already, you leave the class feeling exhausted, intending to never go back.

    Your mind is stopping you from getting to your fitter and leaner dreams.

    Now here’s how you’ll get yourself back to thinking like a robot, if only you use this Master Technique.

    Use “The BUT Technique” to Reach Your Goals Faster

    With “The But Technique,” you don’t let destructive thoughts stop you.

    How much time are you already spending judging yourself or worrying?

    Two hours every day? Maybe 50% of your workday and 80% of your free time?

    Once you start practicing this technique, you’ll instead spend this time on things that actually make you productive. Why?

    Because negativity, or just aimless worrying, will no longer stop you! You’ll be unleashed! A force of nature!

    How does “The BUT Technique” work?

    “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    But…

    • Today I worked out more than yesterday.
    • It’s unfair to compare my own first day to other people’s 1,000th day.
    • My body no longer feels rusty, and people in the class seemed supportive, not judgmental.
    • Other people used to be in exactly the same unfit situation as mine, but they found a way to get fitter. If they did it, I should be able to do it too.
    • The walk to the yoga studio was enjoyable, as today’s sunshine was precious.
    • I’ve been in other unfavorable situations in the past, and I managed to turn them around. I should be able to do that with fitness as well.
    • Maybe this class was advanced and I should try something easier at first, so that I get to focus more on getting the poses right, and less on how clumsy I look in the mirror.

    Please notice:

    • With every new “but,” you’ll feel better and better. You’ll feel relief. The more “buts” you include, the more positive mental action you’ll take and the happier you’ll be by the end of the exercise.
    • By taking positive mental action, you’ll stop discouraging yourself from pursuing your dreams. Instead, you’ll encourage yourself to keep going. You might even make yourself feel excited about the delightful life that is in front of you! Now that’s how you become 20, 50, or 100% happier!
    • Make practicing this Master Technique a habit, and you’ll become the happiest person you know. You’ll become unstoppable!

    Why This Technique is So Powerful

    The “But” Technique doesn’t fight with your negative, discouraging thoughts. Doing so would leave you feeling worse than before. Instead, it accepts them and then it moves you forward.

    So yes you are unfit…but…but…but…but…

    And then with every “but” you feel better, until you’re able to say, “Everything is alright” and actually believe it.
    And that’s exactly how you take mental action to achieve your dreams. The more you practice it, the more you can act like a robot—in a good way! 

    I’m now using this technique almost daily. Whenever I find myself worrying about anything, I immediately pull it out of my toolbox. Yes, I worry, but, but, but…

    So now it’s your turn to practice this technique! Take any negative worrisome thought and add but, but, but. Let me know how it works!

  • 30 Accomplishments to Be Proud Of

    30 Accomplishments to Be Proud Of

    Facing the Sun

    “Do something now that will make the person you’ll be tomorrow proud.” ~Unknown

    A while back someone asked me to list my greatest accomplishments for 2012.

    As I racked my brain, I thought of a few professional achievements that made me feel proud, but as for the top accomplishment, I kept coming back to the same thing: my sister’s wedding.

    I wasn’t the planner, and I didn’t pay for the whole thing, but I was a big part of it.

    Even though I live 3,000 miles away, I acted as her Maid of Honor, helped plan her bridal shower, planned a fun two-day Bachelorette party that meshed with her unique personality and interests, and traveled to Massachusetts on numerous occasions to be part of it all.

    I felt excited to recognize this as my top accomplishment for a couple of reasons. First, it reminded me of how much I appreciate my family.

    Particularly as someone who spent a lot of time isolated, I now believe my relationships are priorities—and I’m proud that I show it in action.

    But also, it reminded me that accomplishments don’t necessarily need to entail productivity, promotion, sales, or profits. Sometimes the most fulfilling things we do in this world bring little recognition, yield no monetary results, and come without fanfare.

    And yet, they still can mean so much and feel so completely satisfying.

    I’d by lying if I said I don’t enjoy growing and expanding through my work, but I’ve finally realized that what I have to offer—to others and myself—far exceeds the fruits of my paid labor.

    In a fast-paced, competitive world, where it’s easy to feel we’re never doing enough, it’s gratifying to recognize just how much we do to honor the people and things that matter to us.

    With that in mind, I decided to create a short list of accomplishments that we may sometimes overlook.

    If you’re looking to do something that will make you feel proud—or perhaps looking for a reminder that you already do so much—one of these ideas may resonate with you: (more…)

  • The Difference Between Fulfillment and Achievement

    The Difference Between Fulfillment and Achievement

    “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis

    I have always been ambitious. I have always felt an incredible need to become someone, to do something, to achieve. I have always been a dreamer on my way up.

    I’m a fashion designer. I belong to an industry that I knew was highly competitive from a young age. Ambition and hard work counted, but increasingly, I was getting the message that status, money, and connections were far more important factors for success.

    In fact, fashion as an industry is parallel to the entertainment industry. Just look to all the celebrities whose next career move, often in desperation, is to create a fashion line. I was no celebrity—not even close. I was a plain, quiet girl who was more studious than glamorous.

    In fashion, there are sayings like “You’re only as good as your last season” or “One day you’re in, the next day you’re out.” We live in a go-go-go, high-achieving, fast paced world laced with ambition, goals, and people who want to do it all and have it all. So it had been ingrained in me to always work hard.

    Throughout college, I worked (almost full-time), went to school (actually full-time), and came home to work on design projects, sew into the night, or write for my little fashion blog. I took no time off, worked endless hours, and dedicated myself wholly to my craft, my industry, and my goals.

    All to get somewhere, become something, to achieve my lifelong dream.

    That all came to a halt when I graduated and I started pounding the pavement. I was sure that my hard work and talent would pay off—but it didn’t. For almost an entire year, I didn’t even get an interview.

    It was a shameful part of my life, one that I would not readily admit to anyone. I was working full-time in a different industry making very little money, but could not get in on the one I had worked so hard toward my entire life.

    So I stopped after a year to ask myself, what was I doing wrong? (more…)

  • How to Enjoy Your Routine and Still Work Toward Goals

    How to Enjoy Your Routine and Still Work Toward Goals

    Woman at Work

    “There is little success when there is little laughter.” ~Andrew Carnegie

    As a former night owl converting to a morning person, I’ve made a few discoveries about adopting a new routine.

    Now that I wake up before sunrise, I experience a slow decline in my enthusiasm at around 10:00AM.

    The other day, I realized that I had not yet poured myself a cup of coffee. Completely floored at how I managed to forget—but also grateful and proud that my energy stayed up naturally up until that point—I made my way to the office coffee machine.

    I felt a sense of panic as I searched for the coffee bean bag on the counter—nowhere to be found. I looked in the grinder to see if perhaps the leftover grinds from yesterday could somehow fill my mug today. It couldn’t.

    I finally looked in a cabinet nearby and—tah dah!—a whole stash of coffee beans ready to be ground! A sense of calm came back instantaneously. What I realized between 10:00AM and 10:11AM, while searching for coffee, is this:

    I’m deeply fond of the comforts of my routine, whether I choose to admit or not.

    I’ve fought it for the past few years. I’d come into the office sluggish and frustrated, and it was written all over my face to the point where co-workers would avoid me. I didn’t find a sense of purpose in my job, and since I was a transparent person, I justified that it was okay to show it.

    I was miserable during many parts of 2009 and 2010. I thought if I embraced my routine, I would somehow be settling. (more…)

  • A Simple Guide to Achieving Personal Greatness & Living with Purpose

    A Simple Guide to Achieving Personal Greatness & Living with Purpose

    Happy Man

    “He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

    The world has given us many outstanding people.

    Although we possess our own unique talents, we look to leaders and mentors as models of action and success. They represent unlocked potential, perseverance, and shining lights for us to follow.

    Since all paths are unique, we can’t follow exactly where others have been, but we can learn from their examples of confidence and dedication. It’s the difference between saying, “I want to be like Oprah Winfrey” or saying, “I want to be outstanding in my own right, like Oprah Winfrey.”

    There are some, like Oprah, who can step out and shine despite hardship and extraordinary challenges. But most people who struggle with self-doubt, fear, or harsh circumstances remain stagnant.

    It’s not enough to have the dream. It has to be accompanied with a strong belief in your own potential and a spirit driven to meet it. (more…)