Tiny Buddha

Tag: accept

  • When You’re In Transition: Being Patient and Accepting Uncertainty

    When You’re In Transition: Being Patient and Accepting Uncertainty

    “Fear, uncertainty, and discomfort are your compasses toward growth.” ~Celestine Chua

    Change is never easy, yet it’s always around us. Sometimes it hits us over the head (if you experience divorce, a career change, a move, or a loss of a loved one). Other times, it’s hiding around the next corner. And most of the time, it’s happening even we don’t even know it.

    My father firmly believed in the adage the only constant is change. Myself, however, I avoided change as much as I could because I didn’t want to deal with uncertainty.

    After a well-scheduled high school experience, I applied early to college and graduate school just to be sure I knew my future. That worked well for a little bit. Until it didn’t. Until I realized that these decisions kept me from understanding that I was completely terrified of not knowing what to do next. That all of my early acceptances were actually holding me back from discovering what I really want.

    After completing graduate school, I took my first pause, not knowing which direction I was headed in. To be honest, a pause is a kind word. It could also have been called a bit of a breakdown or simply the hard realization that life is a series of transitions and rarely “just planned out.”

    A few years down the road, I found myself in another career and personal transition. I noticed I wanted to cling to something again to avoid uncertainty. After pouring through more graduate school websites and clinging to the idea that finding certain work was the answer, I realized I needed time to be in transition, even though it terrified me.

    I needed time to heal and time to just be. Because that idea of being in transition made me quite uncomfortable, I knew I needed to sit with it, find my way through it, and finally become friends and a little more comfortable with transitions.

    I once heard that the only way out is through. There are no short cuts. In order to hang (or some days, wallow) in and through the transition, I learned a few tools along the way:

    Break the cycle of caring what other people think.

    For a while, I hated when acquaintances and former colleagues would ask, “What are you doing now?” I would cower under that question and try to invent answers that would be sure to impress them, such as “I am learning astrophysics” or “becoming a ballet dancer” (both utterly and completely untrue).

    On the whole, our society is fixated on success and we are rarely encouraged to take time “out.” Once I stopped judging myself, people’s questions seemed a lot less important to me and I was able to relax into my transition a little more.

    Learn to just hang out. Wherever it is you are.

    Take a day. An hour. A lunch break. Stop with the planning and action-stepping and self-help reading and just chill. Don’t check email. Don’t look for a solution. Turn it off. Whatever it is. It will still be there. Just take a pause and breathe. Because then the real pauses will feel a lot easier and familiar.

    Be cool with the idea that there is no quick fix.

    While looking for the next opportunity (personal or professional), it can be tempting to say yes to something just to end the search.

    A friend of mine used to encourage her other friends to date “the second-best-guy” and to just take any job. That didn’t work for me. At all. The times I tried that left me right back at square one, even more discouraged.

    The real thing takes time to find. The real thing is worth waiting for. The real thing is why we left whatever wasn’t working in the first place.

    Do things that keep you centered and grounded.

    It can be overwhelming to be in transition. It can be hard to make a simple decision sometimes. And it can be oh-so-tempting to self-medicate. Instead of obsessing over writing a resume or an e-mail or wasting time on Facebook, take a walk. Or sing a song or bake a chocolate cake. Or read a book or sing really loudly in the shower. Or do whatever it is that makes you feel centered. Do it every day. Commit to it.

    I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am feeling closer to it every day and am beginning to welcome transitions, because as their words says, they help us transition to the place we want to be.

    Once we can soften into the transition and take the time—which is a gift—to relax into them, they can soon evolve into a place of respite, a place that is ripe with possibilities and excitement, a place that holds the space for us to become even stronger.

  • 7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

    Sometimes I am really terrible to myself, and I relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.

    On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.

    There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

    Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.

    I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

    The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.

    I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.

    Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.

    Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.

    While my self-love journey is ongoing, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:

    1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

    We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

    When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.   

    2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar.

    I saw a quote once that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones.     

    3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.

    This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”

    As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose.

    4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.

    This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before.

    I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times.  

    5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”

    One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot feel fully satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

    Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

    6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go.

    One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail.

    Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.     

    7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.

    Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.

    I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand, and even if you know you want to change.

    You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.

  • Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Meditating in the Street

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I walked into my studio apartment and found it quite messy, which isn’t that hard to do with 325 square feet shared by a couple.

    I’m talking clothes on the floor, dishes on the couch, and paper strewn everywhere. It had been one of those weeks where both my husband and I were ripping and running, having little to no time to manage household chores.

    I looked around, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch after moving some papers. I enjoyed some dinner with my husband and then went to bed. I got up the next morning feeling rested and cleaned the apartment joyfully and pretty quickly with him.

    Why am I telling you this? You see, a few months prior I would have stressed out and felt totally guilty about the house being so junky. I would have gone into an entire inner dialogue about how I wasn’t organized enough and how I couldn’t keep things together.

    This would have led me into a cleaning frenzy for the rest of the night and I would have went to bed feeling tired and depleted, waking up the next morning in an exhaustive funk.

    In that moment of first opening the door, I learned to fully accept and be at peace with what was actually happening rather than beat myself up with lofty expectations of what I had wanted to happen.

    It was a subtle yet important shift in my life. I walked in and rather than feeling bad about the mess, I simply acknowledged that the apartment was in disarray.

    Yes, there were clothes strewn on the floor. Yes, I had been working many hours and didn’t have the time to do laundry. I also acknowledged that “messy” was a relative term, and I realized that I felt a bit of shame about having a messy place because of strict rules that I grew up with when I was younger.

    I accepted the fact that the apartment was messy and that it was okay to not do anything at the very moment to tidy up. It was so simple, just a few moments, but I suddenly felt myself breathing easier as a result and sleeping a lot easier without the worry or the inner critics coming out to play.

    Sometimes I think we have to learn how to accept what is so that we can find peace of mind no matter what kind of day we are having or what type of circumstance we encounter.

    Peace is available to us all of the time, even when life seems to be out of our control. It may not feel like it, but beyond chaos is serenity, if we only accept it. Solutions to our problems are also clearer when we move into this place of peace.

    When feeling a bit stressed out about high expectations, gently remind yourself to do the following:

    Acknowledge what is here. Simply notice for a few seconds what you are feeling, experiencing, seeing, and hearing without any judgment. Also, notice if any judgment is coming from you or other people in your life.

    Accept that situation fully as it is. No shame. No guilt. Just acceptance and lots of deep breaths.

    Be open to the inner wisdom that you possess. There may not be an immediate solution and that is totally fine. Sometimes I think a good pause is just what we need before we take a next step.

    You are enough just as you are. It is a beautiful thing to accept the fullness of your human experience rather than wishing it was anything different.

    There will always be homes to clean, items on the to do list, obligations to fulfill, inboxes to clear, and schedules to make. In the midst of all that, there will always be peace and joy available to us if we simply notice.

    May you find ultimate serenity as you let go of expectations and root into full acceptance of yourself and your life experiences.

    Photo by Nickolai Kashirin

  • How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    Several years ago, within a matter of months, I experienced the death of a parent, the breakdown of a committed relationship, and the death of a treasured animal companion.

    I’d been doing okay with “normal” life tension, but when all that crap hit the fan… Wow.

    I handled it okay. Just okay. I’m not sure it was a time to expect myself to be amazing.

    Life is much better now.

    One of the biggest lessons I learned going through those experiences was that I really had no idea how to take care of myself.

    I’m great at taking care of others. I, like many of us, could give you loads of examples of how wonderfully supportive and understanding I can be. However, I’d neglected to take the time to understand me and what sorts of things helped me to feel nurtured, supported, and cared for.

    I’ll skip the “yoga, getting enough rest, and chocolate” portion of the list (since you can find those kinds of self-care tips here). They’re super important, and the fact is, I already knew about them, but on their own they weren’t cutting it at that time in my life.

    Here are some lessons I learned that I hope we can all benefit from when we’re going through a tough time.

    Stay out of other people’s business.

    It’s really easy to get wrapped up in the situations and emotions of those we care about.

    When our partner is having a difficult time at work, we tend to feel their frustration and disappointment. When a loved one is going through a divorce, we may get caught up in their stories about how they’ve felt mistreated or how their spouse is being unfair.

    While doing these things is very common and considered a normal part of friendship, it’s not the time. These behaviors can be draining to our own energy. Listening to the emotions of others can cause those emotions to be stirred up in ourselves, especially if we relate to the situations they’re talking about.

    It’s simply not the time to use our energy reserves feeling other people’s emotions. We have our own to harmonize.

    Accept ourselves.

    Yeah, we know this one already. But how many of us are actually doing it?

    Here’s the thing: We can absolutely accept where we are at any given moment, while also holding space for wanting more; for being more compassionate; for having a better education, a more successful business, or for meeting a loving partner.

    Accepting where we are at doesn’t mean we don’t have goals, or can’t visualize a different, presumably even more fulfilling life. It means that we recognize there are times in our life where we won’t be amazing (see above). That there are times when we’ll do the minimum to get by, because that’s all the energy we have.

    Sometimes, that’s just how it’s going to be.

    Accepting where we are at is always a priority, but particularly in times of intense strain. No beating ourselves up allowed.

    Recognize what helps us feel good when we’re stressed.

    Again, seems like a no-brainer. However, when I was going through these experiences, I assumed that having coffee or drinks with a good friend would help me feel better.

    Normally, I really enjoy this and find it relaxing.

    Surprisingly, I found I was not enjoying these get-togethers. It wasn’t that my friends weren’t sympathetic. It was simply that I needed me (and me alone) time to process and heal. The very greatest friend simply could not offer me what I could offer myself at that time.

    We’re all different. Some of us will find great comfort in surrounding ourselves with friends; others will benefit from immersing ourselves in our hobbies or in our work. There’s no right answer here. It’s a matter of paying attention to our own needs and what works for us, not what general opinion says that we need.

    This is also not a time to cave to social or family obligations if we don’t find them to be nourishing. If the weekly family dinner is fun and supportive, go for it. If it’s more of a “dredging up the past” fest, then let that routine go until you’re feeling stronger.

    Re-learn how to focus.

    Many of us feel busy, busy, busy. And it’s true—we are busy. That said, taking the time to really assess our Internet and social media time can be enlightening.

    If I’m honest, I spend one to two hours of a “work” day cruising Facebook and Twitter, checking and answering email, and reading posts on different news outlets.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is, for some of us though, a behavior that has “trained” us to not be as focused as we could be.

    Instead of sitting down and spending an uninterrupted two hours on a particular task, getting sidetracked online can cause that same task to take me three to four hours (or more!).

    Great focusing skills also apply to our “me” time. It’s not just useful when working or studying. Focus can also help to optimize the time we do spend relaxing or self-nurturing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve “intended” to meditate or nap, and have found myself obsessively checking email instead.

    Using apps to limit one’s access to social media can be a great way to start the process of shifting our online habits.

    In times of stress, compassion for self, in the manner that is the most soothing and fulfilling for us, is a priority. To be present in our lives, and for our loved ones, and yes, for ourselves, this self-care is imperative.

    What do you pay attention to when you’re in an intense period of self-care?

  • Make Peace with Your Past: Find the Good and Embrace the Lessons

    Make Peace with Your Past: Find the Good and Embrace the Lessons

    “It’s not the events of our lives that shape us but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

    Daughter of an alcoholic. Welfare recipient. Teenage mother. Non-college attendee. Poor decision maker. Unhealthy relationship participant. Financial disaster. Evictee.

    All of these statements described me. They also propelled me into action, transforming me into an over-achieving perfectionist. Yet they still weighed me down because I felt like I had to constantly prove I was better than my past—better than the circumstances from which I came.

    It took a lot of effort.

    It took a lot of energy.

    It was a burden.

    I gained a lot of knowledge, built a tremendous skill set, and developed expertise. I was successful on the outside, but on the inside I felt like nothing more than a fraud. 

    I avoided events where the question of what college I attended may surface.

    I avoided situations that would put me in the company of highly educated people, for fear that their vocabulary would be beyond my understanding and I would appear stupid.

    I avoided conversations about any topic that I did not feel a level of expertise in discussing.

    I avoided talking about my past and my history.

    Avoidance became a whole new skill set—one that I executed with a level of mastery. At some point I began to realize this game of charades was not in alignment with my core values of honesty and integrity.

    I began to realize that the energy I was putting into creating a false image of myself was taking away my ability to live my life fully and openly.

    I began to realize that in order to move forward, I had to come to terms with my past, to extract the good, to carry forward the lessons learned, but to leave behind the all of the garbage I’d outgrown.

    Good like…

    The kindness and generosity shown by to me strangers, neighbors, family, and friends when I was in the greatest need. The people who cheered me on and believed in me when I did not believe in myself. The few who knew my biggest, darkest secrets and loved me anyway.

    Lessons like…

    Understanding that no matter how much you want something for someone else, the only person you have control over—that you can change—is yourself.

    Accepting the fact that when you blame other people for what is wrong with your life, nothing is ever going to get better.

    Realizing that no matter how bad a situation seems in the moment, someone else is surviving, sometimes even thriving, in much more difficult circumstances.

    And also…

    What you believe about yourself and your limitations will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    And, it doesn’t matter how “successful” you seem on the outside if you are miserable on the inside.

    When my perception shifted, so did my life. Today I embrace who I am—all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

    I am grateful for all of the experiences I’ve encountered.

    I realize that I was judging myself far more harshly that anyone else ever could.

    I let go of the belief that I had to hide from my past.

    I let go of the belief that I was “less than.”

    I let go of the belief that I was not worthy.

    I no longer pretend.

    I share openly and, in claiming my story, it not only helps me but also helps others on their journey. It gives them the courage to share their truth, to stop hiding and start living.

    Recovering perfectionist. Student of life. Woman of strength. Overcomer of obstacles. Seeker of growth. Embracer of truth. These are the descriptors I’ve added to my life story. The rich and messy truth of my past makes possible the true success of my todays.

    What beliefs are you clinging to that are holding you back? Where in your life are you feeling like a fraud? What are the tough and painful lessons that you can be grateful for today when you look through this new lens of perspective?

    Reflect. Journal. Dig deep and find the answers. It’s in this process—in your truth—that you will find true happiness, success, and self-acceptance. It’s where healing begins. It’s where you will find peace.

  • How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

    How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

    Arms Open

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    Sitting at a party minding my own business, I wasn’t expecting it. I had no reason to. A comment filled with sarcasm and authority shot out at me from a across the room.

    “Shut up Kathryn.”

    It hit me like a bullet aimed straight at my heart.

    I wasn’t even aware I was being particularly quiet. I was simply being me. Taking in my surroundings, quietly observing, listening to the conversations that encircled me.

    But someone had noticed I was in a quiet mood. And for reasons that I will never fathom, they felt the need to bring it the attention of the entire room.

    “Shut up Kathryn,” they smirked.

    The comment instantly consumed my thoughts as all eyes turned toward me and sniggers of laughter filtered through the room. As my mind went fuzzy, I grappled for an appropriate response.

    But what possible response is there?

    As my insecurities were highlighted to anyone who would listen, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Right there and then.

    They thought they were being funny. But I found little to laugh about. The pricks of tears welled up as I fought hard to push the pain away, deep inside me. But I had to play along. Had to pretend. Had to smile. Had to laugh. As if all was okay.

    But it really, really wasn’t.

    And when I got home I cried. Then I cried some more.

    I was haunted by three little words that represented everything I felt insecure about: my quiet nature. My introversion. My shyness. The things that I wished I didn’t have to deal with. The things I wished I could change.

    When I look back at that day as a teenager, I want to comfort my younger self. To hold her close and whisper in to her ear that it will all be okay. To tell her that she will look back at this day and gain strength from it.

    That she will learn to grow, embrace herself for who she is, and feel so empowered; that even though she didn’t dare share her feelings with anyone at the time, as an adult she will find the courage to share this story with you today.

    To really embrace your natural persona, to live life in a way that’s completely and utterly true to who you are, and to let go of the words of the critics that may shroud your thoughts, here are three pieces of advice that have worked beautifully for me and which I hold close, if ever I falter.

    Surround yourself with support.

    Here’s the thing—you aren’t on your own. We all have insecurities, we all face challenges in our lives, and we can all find support if we reach out for it.

    Move yourself away from the critics and release their scathing comments from your world. They come from people with their own troubles and you don’t need them in your life.

    Instead, surround yourself with the people who make you feel alive—who provide you with support, inspiration, and words of encouragement.

    And then turn to these people in times of need. They are the ones you will help you grow, thrive, and learn to love every inch of who you are.

    Work out where you shine.

    We are all born with wonderful strengths that, if used on a daily basis, can help us find our true calling.

    Give yourself the time and space to reflect and then begin to develop a self-awareness and understanding of situations where you feel completely content and comfortable.

    These are the moments when you are in ‘flow’—when life feels easy as you start doing the stuff that you were born to do.

    By bringing more of these moments into your life, your confidence in your abilities will flourish and your insecurities over time will fade.

    Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

    I truly believe we all need to listen to our bodies more. If you start your day feeling exhausted and drained, then think about what that means.

    You are only human, so give yourself a break. If you feel like resting, then rest. If you crave time and space by yourself, then don’t feel guilty about turning down an invitation to go out with friends.

    Nurture your mind, body, and spirit in whatever way it craves, and your strength will surely grow.

    Learning to embrace yourself is a journey that can hold many challenges. And if you’ve had to face unhelpful criticism or scathing comments throughout your life, then it can be all the more tricky.

    But do you know what? There are amazing ways that you can help yourself and find peace with who you are.

    You’ve just got to give yourself the time to grow.

    Photo by pshegubj

  • Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Holding the Earth

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    Being yourself seems like it would be an easy thing, right? Just be! But when you’re someone who has lived their life seeking the approval of others constantly, it’s not such an easy thing.

    You have to attempt to move past years of trying to appear this way, wondering if people will judge you if do that, or doing your best not to cause waves and avoid conflict.

    When you don’t fully understand who your “self” is, it’s pretty much impossible to actually be that person. 

    I didn’t realize just how deep my desire to please others went until very recently, after a couple of very deep soul searching years.

    I saw how automatic it had become for me to try to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Even when I “liked” a page on Facebook, I thought twice about it and wondered if people would judge me for it.

    I wanted to appear a certain way to people. I wanted to appear like I had it all together, that I was “perfect.” Most importantly, though, I didn’t want to appear disabled.

    If I liked all of the “right” things, if I was cool, if I was funny, if I was pretty, and wore the most stylish clothes or had my makeup done just right, then maybe people would notice all of that instead of my muscular dystrophy and the limp that came with it.

    Maybe they wouldn’t notice the difficulty I had going up stairs. If I fell, maybe they wouldn’t judge me because they would see I was awesome in so many other ways.

    Trying to be everything to everyone is one of the most exhausting things. It feels like that toy that a lot of us used to play with when you try to fit the shaped blocks into the correct corresponding hole.

    I was the triangle constantly trying to fit in the square hole. 

    I honestly don’t know how I even functioned sometimes in my twenty-plus years on earth with the weight of that on my shoulders. Worrying so much about what people thought or hoping they liked me and having no real sense of my own self.

    From friends to coworkers, to dates or boyfriends, I was always trying to please everyone else but never thought to try please myself first or embrace who I really was.

    It never even occurred to me that it was okay if some people didn’t like me, or if I didn’t have all the right clothes or that I wasn’t physically able to do all the same things that my peers could.

    I didn’t realize that it didn’t make me any less worthy or valuable of a person if someone didn’t like me or if I wasn’t “perfect.”

    That if a guy wasn’t interested or someone didn’t want to be my friend, that it didn’t mean I was ugly or worthless or needed to fix something about myself.

    I didn’t realize that trying to fit myself into everyone else’s perceptions and society’s perception of “normal” was denying everyone and the world of all my gifts and who I really was. That my disability made me special and gave me a platform to try and help others all over the world with disabilities too.

    That it gave me such a deep capacity for love and empathy that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

    I couldn’t see that people don’t love each other because they’re perfect. They love each other for everything, including the flaws. 

    In fact, I think we love each other in large part because of our flaws. Because we are all human. Because we make mistakes. 

    Our imperfections and our differences are what set us apart and make us unique. When have you ever heard someone say, “I really like that Jackie. She’s just so perfect!”?

    Not caring what other people think and just being is something we all struggle with in one way or another.

    Something I’ve found to be very helpful for connecting with myself and just being is a kind of a brief meditation. Whether I’m driving, at work, on vacation, or just sitting at home, I try to take a few moments each day where I just sit, stop what I’m doing, take a deep breath in, and silence my mind.

    I focus on the blood flowing through my veins or the way my breath feels when I exhale. I just let myself sit there in silence for a few minutes and just enjoy being in my skin, my body, and my spirit. As small as it may seem, it really helps to calm me and get me refocused on myself.

    Learning to embrace yourself and shut out the need to people please or be what everyone else might want us to be is hard and it’s not something that can be an overnight change.

    But learning to accept all of the parts of yourself, including the ones you may not like, is not only the greatest gift you can give to yourself, it’s the greatest gift you can give to the world around you too.

    When you stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks of you and start becoming you, it’s then that you can truly offer the world the most.

    You offer it you in all of your wonderful and unique glory!

    Photo by Jason Rogers

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    I hate my life! It’s a phrase that’s used by teenagers and adults alike. Sometimes we use it for dramatic effect and sometimes we mean this literally.

    When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago and said “I hate my life!” I meant every word. I hated it so much that there were times I didn’t think it was worth living.

    The depression was incapacitating. The hypomania disguised itself as extreme anxiety and irrational fears.

    In order to stay alive, I had to accept my illness, let go of what I wanted my life to be, and have faith that the future would take care of itself.

    Here are five things I’ve learned so far on my journey of accepting a life that isn’t fair and never will be.

    1. Recognize the problem.

    Right before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I tried to be everything to everyone. I gave 100% at work, I gave 100% to my family, and I gave 100% to whatever else needed me.

    I came to find out that giving 300% is impossible. Something had to give. That something was me.

    I had a breakdown. Several of them, actually, because right after I recovered from one, before long I found myself going back to giving 300%. I lost count of the number of times I was admitted to an acute treatment facility for days at a time.

    At last I realized that living life this way was going to kill me. I couldn’t accept that I had an illness. I couldn’t accept that I had to slow down. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect.

    Because of that I didn’t want to be alive. The pain of living with a mental illness can result in that type of thinking.

    Sometimes we have to make a choice: pretend that nothing is wrong and then continually deal with the consequences, or acknowledge the problem and face it head-on.

    2. Do something about it.

    Once I accepted the fact that I wasn’t like many people who can handle work stress, be a part-time single parent, and do whatever else is needed, I grudgingly started making changes. I resigned from my job as a newspaper reporter, left co-workers who had become good friends, and started working at home.

    I spent more time taking care of myself. I started meeting with a meditation teacher who taught me how to accept what is. She showed me ways to calm anxiety and ride the wave of depression, knowing that it would eventually pass.

    When life changes, we need to become aware that there are always more choices. They might not be the choices we want, but there are always choices. Open your mind, look around, and you’ll find many more courses of action than the obvious ones in front of you.

    3. Let others help.

    When I was going through depression and was unable to do everyday tasks or even take care of my children, it was hard for me to ask for help.

    “I should be able to do this on my own.” “I don’t want to bother anyone or be a bother.” These were my thoughts as I beat myself up after I had to ask for help.

    It occurred to me after awhile that most people enjoy helping others. It makes them feel good. I know whenever someone comes to me asking for help, and if I’m able to, I feel good about myself afterwards.

    In fact, altruism is one of the main factors in achieving happiness, according to a book I read called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker.

    Just think, by asking for help you may actually be helping the other person.

    4. Take ownership.

    After I sought out psychiatric help for my illness/behavior, I expected my therapist and doctor to make it change. I insisted they make it change. I got angry because they couldn’t change it.

    “They weren’t trying hard enough.” “They didn’t understand me.” “If they would just listen!” These were the thoughts that I had as I struggled during the roughest times of my illness.

    Finally I was able to grasp the fact that they couldn’t change it. At first it frightened me. These were professionals. They studied, worked, and knew more than I did and they couldn’t fix it.

    Wait a minute. Then why even bother dealing with them? It was useless, hopeless. I wasn’t strong enough to handle this.

    These were all lies I told myself. Because after eight years of therapy I actually knew quite a bit. I learned skills that had helped me through the darkest moments of my life.

    Just like a teacher can’t follow a student around for the rest of his or her life reading books to them and watching over them as they write a paper, my therapist couldn’t come home with me and hold my hand through every problem I faced. She is the most supportive person in my life, but she couldn’t do it for me.

    Eventually it was up to me to use the skills I had been taught.

    When my anxiety rose to excruciating levels, I remembered to go to a quiet place (usually my bathroom) and breathe through the panic until it subsided. I learned that it wasn’t going to last forever, eventually it would pass and I just had to ride it out.

    It’s important to learn skills from people who have more experience with your problem, but it’s up to you to put them into action. It will be scary at first doing them on your own, but the more you do it the more confident you will become.

    5. Change what you can and accept the rest.

    I was forced to make changes to my lifestyle in order to achieve and remain stabilized. I may have lost my job, but I gained a life.

    I accepted that I have an illness that isn’t going away. There is treatment but no cure for bipolar disorder. I have faced the fact that I will have to deal with depression, hypomania, and anxiety throughout the rest of my life.

    I learned coping skills and take prescribed medication to minimize my symptoms, and it’s made living with the illness bearable.

    Acceptance didn’t make my illness go away, but it relieved a big part of my suffering as I became aware of the steps I had to take. I have faith that I will be able to live with the unpredictability of my illness.

    These are five steps to accept you are not where (or who) you want to be.

    Acknowledge the fact that you might have to come up with another plan. Before you know it, you may find yourself thinking about the past and wondering why you didn’t want it to change, because your present definitely works better.

  • You Don’t Need to Fix Yourself to Be Healed

    You Don’t Need to Fix Yourself to Be Healed

    Calm Acceptance

    “Growth begins when we begin to accept our weaknesses.” -Jean Vanier

    I used to believe the word “healed” had a very specific meaning. In my mind, it described a state of perfection that always looked very different from the chronic health challenges I endured.

    Being born with VACTERL Association, a birth disorder that causes malformations in six of the body’s systems, meant that I entered the world needing a lot of fixes. There were surgeries, hospitalizations, treatments, and medications aimed at perfecting something inherently imperfect.

    The Search

    I grew up searching. To be like everyone else. For a cure. For Peace. Clarity. Happiness. Always searching for a technique or philosophy that could mold me into the ideal woman I imagined I should be.

    My search was fueled by a very narrow view of “normal,” “beautiful,” and “successful.” Images perpetuated on magazine covers and a myriad of self-help manifestos told me that life was good only if you could figure out how to become flawless, inside and out.

    I read hundreds of books, attended seminars, journaled, meditated, said affirmations, communed with my inner child, prayed, eventually begged, finally groveled. And nothing.

    Well, there was something. I found out that I was going to need a kidney transplant.

    I assumed this prognosis meant that I wasn’t being “spiritual” enough. I needed to try harder. I saw the decline in my kidney function as a manifestation of negativity in my emotions. Maybe the damage was subconscious?

    I saw healers and hypnotherapists. I listened to subliminal message tapes. I reviewed my memories, and looked, and looked, and looked for the cause of my current predicament. And still nothing.

    All that came out of my search was restlessness and desire to search more.

    I was operating under the assumption that if I meditated masterfully, became enlightened, or at least healed old emotional wounds than life would bend toward my will. It followed that since life was not yet how I wanted it, something must be wrong with me. I needed to find the fix.

    As I stewed in my own spiritual turmoil, my kidney function continued to decline. The pressure I had placed on myself to not just find the cure, but to become the cure was making things worse.

    Life is Suffering

    I thought “healed” meant that life became the way you wanted it to be. I could not have been further from the truth. I had missed the most basic of Buddhist principles: life is suffering.

    Becoming spiritual does not mean that we are no longer human. It doesn’t take away the pain, illness, and stress; it only reframes it. Suffering tells us that we are inherently human. Coping with human challenges does not mean that we are less-than or that we are damaged; it only means that we are experiencing things all human beings experience.

    The trick is not to bend life’s will to our personal desires. It is the other way around. We must find the flexibility to bend to Life. That is what I had been missing.

    There Was Nothing to Find

    All of that searching took me to the most basic of places: exactly right where I was. Nothing to fix. Nothing to do. Nothing to become.

    I no longer see “healed” as some form of perfection. It isn’t a certain health status, lab value, or lack of a diagnosis. Healed isn’t remission or cure. It isn’t any specific thing.

    Healed is the willingness to unconditionally accept whatever life is at this exact moment.

    My kidney is now flirting with the edge of kidney failure. Transplant plans are in the works. Sometimes I feel scared or worried. Sometimes I cry. Those are things I accept too. I no longer need to always be positive. I don’t force myself to be anything other than exactly what I am.

    I’m learning to yield. It is a practice. I still have latent urges to “figure this out” or to be the miracle doctors cannot explain, and those tendencies get welcomed into my experience as well.

    That’s the thing about acceptance: it doesn’t require searching. It is always available. Simply knowing that these rough edges are part of being here in a body, on earth, lifted a huge weight off of me.

    I am healed. Even as I face surgery and a lifetime of medication, I am healed. At peace. With clarity. Content. Happy.

    Photo by Cornelia Kopp

  • 8 Lessons About Living Fully from a Journey of 500 Miles

    8 Lessons About Living Fully from a Journey of 500 Miles

    Walking

    “The journey is the reward.” ~Proverb

    I should start by clarifying that even though there’s a lot of walking involved in this story, I’m not a walker, or particularly sporty. So what was I thinking going on a 500-mile pilgrimage you may (rightly) ask? I wasn’t. I was feeling it. In my gut.

    You know those butterflies that wreck havoc in your tummy when you have an exciting idea? Well, I had about a thousand of those. Butterflies, not ideas. I only had one idea, and I didn’t even think that one through.

    El Camino de Santiago. St James Way. A long walk, an ancient pilgrimage. Alone. Five weeks and 550 miles from France across Spain to the end of the world. A whole lotta walking! Yeah, why not? Piece of cake, right? Wrong.

    On August 6, 2012 I took my first step into the unknown, armed with nothing but a light backpack, three pairs of socks, a couple of T-shirts, a sleeping bag, and an arsenal of Band-Aids. I walked away from the world and left my old self behind.

    “Yeah, but why?” is the most common reaction I get from people, often accompanied by a confused and suspicious look.

    Well, truth is, I needed to get away.

    “But couldn’t you have gone to Fiji and lie on the beach for five weeks or something?”

    I have to admit, that one always gets me thinking.

    But even knowing how painful, exhausting, and scary walking 30 kilometers every day for over a month with 10 kilograms on my back can be, I wouldn’t change it for the world—or the beaches of Fiji.

    The journey changed my life, both inside and out. I walked it off! I walked it all off. As I got further away form the “real” world—penetrating forests, walking through sleepy villages, hiking up mountains and down deserted valleys—I got closer to my internal world.

    As I detached myself from possessions, got rid of masks, demolished walls, dissolved judgments, and released resentments, I became more open, honest, free, loving, balanced, and, of course, happy.

    I connected with people at an authentic level that I had never experienced before, making lasting friendships in mere hours.

    I started following my instinct and inner voice, not only the yellow arrows pointing west.

    I started being open, believing in myself, listening to my body, and ultimately I realized that all I needed to be happy was right there, inside of me.

    Yep, I was a walking cliché and I loved every painful minute of it.

    This realization came to me the moment I arrived at Santiago de Compostela and stood in front of the cathedral that, a month earlier, had seemed impossible to reach. I had made it!

    And contrary to popular belief, I didn’t want to yell about my accomplishment to the top of my lungs. I didn’t care if anyone knew; I had done it for me. 

    As I sat on the stony square looking up at this magnificent milestone in my life, I was struck by silence, tears rolling down my smiling face, and I let go—of the burden of the past and expectations of the future.

    A year has now passed since I returned, forever changed, and not one day goes by without me having thought about that journey.

    Every day I try to remember the lessons learned. But it isn’t easy, and that is why this article is as much for you as it is for me.

    Let us remember to:

    1. Be present every step of the way.

    The past is over and the future will come, whether you worry about it or not. Make a conscious effort to live in your present. I find meditation of great help. Walking was meditation for me, as it was being in contact with nature, taking in the colors, smells, and textures.

    2. Trust yourself.

    Listen to your gut. Mine told me to walk, that I could do it despite all evidence to the contrary. Yoga and fostering my creativity have been very helpful to block out the outside noises that drown my inner voice.

    3. Be grateful.

    Practice appreciation everyday. At the end of a long day’s walk, that shower would be the best shower I’d ever had. Make sure you appreciate that shower at the end of a long day’s work by thinking of nothing but the touch of the warm, relaxing water. Writing down three happy moments every day also helps!

    4. Open your mind.

    Possibilities are everywhere, but you’ll only see them if you’re open to them. Remember: “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re probably right.” Henry Ford. I found the true meaning of synchronicity during the walk, where the “way” or “universe” provided exactly what everyone needed at the exact right time. It’s all around us, if we pay attention.

    5. Let go.

    Of fear, negative thoughts, resentment, the past, limitations. Anything that holds you back, let it go. Dance around like crazy to loud music, have a good cry once in a while, speak your truth, let it out and let it go! While walking, I sang, laughed, cried, laughed until I cried, danced, skipped, limped, ran, fell, got back up, carried someone, and let someone carry me. Sometimes all in one day. That’s living.

    6. Slow down.

    There’s something about walking, about slowing down from 70 miles to hour to 3 miles per hour, that made me realize there’s so much we miss in our daily lives because we’re always in a rush to arrive at our destination or tick the next thing off our to-do list.

    At any given moment of the day, stopping to look (really look) at a flower, or the shape of a cloud, or the way a ray of sunshine hits the trees can make me smile and bring me back to the present. One small minute, stop and take a deep breath, observe the world moving around you while you stand still. It can change your perspective.

    7. Detach from the result.

    Be passionate about the journey, not only about the destination. Do things you enjoy for the sake of them, not only to get something in return. When you’re passionate about what you do regardless of your gain, chances are, you’ll gain a lot more than you expected.

    8. Accept and love yourself.

    You don’t need anyone else’s acceptance but your own. Whatever other people think of you is their problem. What you think of yourself is yours.

    Try this:

    Sit, eyes closed, and open your arms as wide as they can go, as if trying to hug the universe. Hold it for a minute, feeling the freedom, thinking of receiving love with open arms and giving out the best of you. Say that you love and accept yourself. Close your arms tight and give yourself a big, loving hug for a minute.

    Smile! I dare you not to.

    Photo by Moyan Brenn

  • Learn to Love and Accept Yourself, Wherever You Go

    Learn to Love and Accept Yourself, Wherever You Go

    Man and the sun

    “Wherever you go, there you are.” ~Confucius

    The sweat of my palms saturated our boarding tickets. Even as I stepped onto the plane, I still could not entirely believe we were doing it.

    My husband and I finished our master’s degrees and instead of immediately securing jobs, buying a house, and starting a family, we decided to travel.

    We thought escaping our lives was living on the wild side—rediscovering ourselves. Well, at least that’s what I thought.

    I lived in Spain during my undergraduate degree ten yeas ago and had ceaselessly fixated on the idea about returning ever since.

    I longed for the days of dipping churros in chocolate once more and sipping on the local morning brew, café con leche. I daydreamed of sharing pitcher after pitcher of chilled sangria with my husband and the neighboring couples dining to our left and our right.

    In the midst of my most vivid daydreams, I heard the cries, olé olé as the bullring radiated with history and pride.

    I had created such an idea of how I’d imaged our lives that I completely forgot the reality of the situation. 

    I convinced my husband to sell most of our items and put the remaining personal belongings in storage while we set off to Europe. I believed downsizing and emptying ourselves of these excessive items would really make things better.

    I was blind to the fact that Spain had changed so much in ten years—I had changed so much in ten years.

    We arrived tired but eager to explore the land of paradise I had talked about for a decade—but Spain had another plan for us. Spain wanted to remind me that I would not return to be the person I once was.

    Everything had changed, and what was most shocking, my views about Spain had changed.

    Because my eating habits grew as predictable as my daily gym routine, the bread and potatoes that I once loved certainly did not agree with my finicky body.

    My stomach, accustomed to mostly spinach, fresh fish (which we could not always afford), and organic green salads did not adjust to the Spanish cuisine as it had in the past.

    But this was supposed to be perfect, I thought. I’d overlooked the fact that my body’s rejection of what I was eating was a symbol of something deeper.

    No longer in my twenties, I realized I required much more sleep than I once needed. The long, amorous nights I once spent partying until the sun rose had been replaced with quiet nights of exhaustion and the stress of organizing plans to the next hostel.

    There were a number of other changes, such as living in hotels and hostels instead of with a host family. Little by little, each of these external factors pointed directly to the core of my very being.

    Escaping to Spain would not make me disappear. My husband and I still bickered over who had the better set of directions and where we should eat for dinner. Even throughout the many Kodak moments, I still found myself experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety.

    But this was not supposed to happen, I thought, still discarding the sobering reality of my dream trip. Spain was supposed to solve all my problems!

    We dashed over to Portugal and Ireland, and while these beautiful places are forever sealed inside our hearts, we still experienced many of the same challenges. It wasn’t until returning home and letting our lives literally settle back down that I started to gain a shocking perspective.

    The trip to Europe taught me to zero-in on myself. It was not the country in which I lived, not the town I visited, not the house in which I slept, or the room in which I sat, but all the way down into my own heart I began to understand there was nowhere else to run.

    I learned the blatant lesson that happiness begins and ends within me.

    The trip taught me that any time I am uncomfortable, I must ask what is not pleasing me in that moment. It shattered my sense of self and my dreams, which graciously reminded me that over-fantasizing is often an escape from current situations. 

    It taught me how excess imagination about the future is different from goal setting, which separates us from the beauty of what is available to us now. It taught me to find the joys in the present moment, to enjoy where I live, the community around me.

    When I yearn to reach out for something—buying an item of clothing, wanting to take a trip—I ask my heart why I think this item will please me. Am I grasping onto something deeper?

    While this is an extreme case of the inability to escape oneself, we all experience this in our lives in various ways. We think if we get a new job, our fear of failure will disappear only to discover it is heightened with our new role.

    We think if we get a new boyfriend or girlfriend it will turn out like the fairytale stories we hoped, only to discover our insecurities have followed us into the new relationship.

    We can point the finger to bosses, jobs, relationships, even cultures, but until we turn the finger back to ourselves, we will face a life of pain and constant struggle.

    In each situation, we must ask, what am I learning from this? What is this telling me about myself?

    We are such beautiful and complicated creatures. No technology in the world can tap into the mystery of the heart, of the soul, of our dreams.

    Wherever you go in your day—to the grocery store or to a new city, to a friend’s home or a different room of the house—be grateful that you will never escape yourself.

    Be grateful that you have this lifetime to learn to love and accept yourself.

    In a world so full of travel and movement, it is important we take a moment to pause and reflect on the sacredness of stillness and quietude within ourselves.

    It is my wish that we can all sit comfortably in a chair someday as we soften in body and in heart, full of gray hairs and wrinkles—that we may smile widely from each memory contributing to our wear and know we really have nowhere to go.

    Everything we need has been inside us from the start.

    Photo by Kerry

  • Accept Yourself as You Are, Even When Others Don’t

    Accept Yourself as You Are, Even When Others Don’t

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    “You’re too quiet.”

    This comment and others like it have plagued me almost all my life. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I needed to come out of my shell, to be livelier, or to talk more.

    As a child and teenager, I allowed these remarks to hurt me deeply. I was already shy, but I became even more self-conscious as I was constantly aware of people waiting for me to speak.

    When I did, the response was often, “Wow! Louise said something!”

    This would make me just want to crawl back into my shell and hide. I became more and more reserved.

    The older I got, the angrier I became. Each time someone told me I was “too quiet,” I wondered what exactly they were hoping to achieve anyway. Did they imagine I had a magic button I could press that would turn me into Miss Showbiz?  

    If only it were that simple, I thought. I felt I should be accepted as I was, but apparently that wasn’t going to happen. There was only one thing for it; I would have to become the extrovert the world wanted me to be, but how?

    At seventeen, I thought I’d found the perfect solution: alcohol.

    When I was drunk, everyone seemed to like me. I was fun and outgoing; able to talk to anyone with no problems at all. However, it began to depress me that I needed a drink to do this or for anyone to like me.

    Another strategy was to attach myself to a more outgoing friend. I did this at school, university, and later when I began to travel a lot in my twenties.

    Although I didn’t do it consciously, wherever I went I would make friends with someone much louder than me. Then I’d become their little sidekick, going everywhere with them, trying to fit in with all their friends, and even adopting aspects of their personality.

    Sometimes I just tried faking it.

    When I was twenty-four, I began teaching English as a Foreign Language, and a month into my first contract in Japan, I was told my students found me difficult to talk to. I was upset because I thought I had made an effort to be friendly and I didn’t understand what else I could do.

    After crying all night because once again I wasn’t good enough, I went into work the next day determined to be really lively and talkative. Of course, it didn’t work because everyone could see I was being false.

    It seemed that I was doomed. I would never be accepted. Being a naturally loud person was the only way to be liked.

    Or maybe not.

    Over the years, I’ve spoken to several talkative, extroverted people who’ve been told they’re too loud or that they talk too much. It seems whatever personality you’ve got you’re always going to be “too much” of something for someone.

    What really matters is: do you think you need to change?

    My shyness has made some areas of my life more difficult. It’s something I’ve been working on all my life and I always will be in order to do all the things I want to do.

    However, I’ve realized I’m always going to be an introvert, which is not the same thing.

    I enjoy going out and socializing, but I also enjoy being alone. At work I talk to people all day, every day. I like my job, but as an introvert, I get tired after all that interaction, so later I need some quiet time to “recharge my batteries.”

    I can overcome my shyness. I can’t overcome my introversion, but actually, I wouldn’t want to because I’m happy being this way.

    Be kind to yourself if you decide to change.

    While I’m still shy, I no longer worry about it.  When speaking to new people, if something comes out wrong or I get my words mixed up, I just laugh to myself about my nervousness rather than telling myself how weird the other person must’ve thought I was.

    In the past I was terrified of any form of public speaking. Now my job is getting up in front of people and talking. After a rocky start in Japan, my students now see me as funny (sometimes!) and confident.

    So I think I’m doing alright. No, I don’t understand why I can’t just be like that with everyone, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do.

    Don’t be afraid to lose false friends.

    When you’re always being told you’re too much of this or not enough of that, it’s easy to start thinking you have to be grateful that anyone is willing to spend time with you.

    I used to put up with friends who treated me badly because I thought if I stood up for myself, I’d lose their friendship and I’d end up all alone.

    Eventually, in my last year teaching abroad, I did stand up for myself and my worst fear came true. I was left completely friendless.

    And you know what? It was okay. The time alone taught me to enjoy my own company, and gave me the chance to learn more about myself. This has gradually led to me attracting more positive people into my life.

    Could your supposed weakness actually be your strength?

    I’m a good listener, so friends feel able to talk to me if they have a problem and they know I’m not going to tell anyone.

    I’m an efficient worker because I just get on with the job. I can empathize with shy students in my class. I don’t force them to speak but leave them alone, knowing that they’ll talk when they feel more comfortable.

    There’s a reason why you were made the way you are. If we were all supposed to be the same, we would be.

    I’ve stopped trying to make everyone like me and I’ve stopped trying to be something I’m not. As a result, any changes in my character happen naturally as my confidence continues to grow.

    The “quiet” comments are also now few and far between. When you learn to accept yourself, you’re likely to find that others will accept you too.

    But if they don’t, it really doesn’t matter.

  • 3 Principles for Accepting Yourself and Being Authentically Happy

    3 Principles for Accepting Yourself and Being Authentically Happy

    Woman and the Sun

    “Happiness is really a deep harmonious inner satisfaction and approval.” ~Francis Wilshire

    It is only in the last few years of my life that I have felt genuinely happy and comfortable in my own skin.

    Until my early thirties the dominant feeling I carried around with me was one of extreme social awkwardness. Which is strange, because most people who knew me prior to that time would have described me as a confident guy who got on with just about everybody.

    I’m aware that outwardly I was very skilful at presenting a positive and socially pleasing demeanor, while on the inside feeling anxious and exhausted from keeping up the act.

    This wasn’t just at work or at parties, it was rife in my closest relationships too—with my friends, my family and, most bizarrely, with my fiancée.

    Perhaps the reason I was so well liked by so many is because I would agree with just about everything anyone said, so I was no bother to them. In disputes, I’d take both sides. I was always the first to offer a hand when someone needed help, but not because I felt charitable; I just wanted them to like me more.

    If I got angry or frustrated, which I did often, you would never have known it. You would have seen someone who appeared unflappable, regardless of the circumstances. If I was hurt, let down or disappointed, my lightening reflex was to smile and say, “That’s okay!”

    Somewhere along the line I had developed the philosophy that my happiness was dependent on the approval of others.

    This meant that my level of contentment was proportionate to how pleased I thought others were with me moment to moment. Of course, the problem was that I rarely thought they approved of me enough, so I was rarely happy.

    Now that I think about it, some of my earliest memories involve me trying extremely hard to be a “good boy,” to do what I was told, and how lonely it felt to fall out of favor with my parents.

    I never thought about what I wanted from life, only what would make others want to have me around.

    The ultimate price I paid was my authenticity, which I now know is fundamental to a truly satisfying and fulfilling life. Not only is authenticity vital for your relationships with others, but more importantly for your relationship with yourself.

    Isn’t it funny how the strategies we use to protect ourselves from our deepest fears are often the exact same strategies that manifest our fears into reality?

    One day my fiancée announced that our engagement was over. She said that she cared for me deeply but that she just didn’t know who I was; there was nothing real for her to connect to. I was devastated but not surprised. It was one of the worst and best days of my life.

    I walked away from our house taking nothing with me. I quit the job I hated with nothing else to go to. I was broke, lonely, and finally having to stare my exposed vulnerabilities in the face.

    Shortly afterward, I found myself walking along a beach contemplating suicide. Not because of the ending of the relationship, but because of the ending of my identity. I hated the mask I had been wearing and what it had cost me, but I didn’t know what to replace it with.

    Obviously, I didn’t take my life. Instead I moved to London. I was scared and confused but I was convinced that a new environment would be conducive to reinventing myself.

    I didn’t invent a new me. I found the real me.

    I read countless books on personal and spiritual growth, attended dozens of workshops, got coaching and training, and even began to write about and teach what I was learning. I started to feel more alive than I had ever felt before. For the first time in my life I was truly happy and being authentically me.

    I want to share with you three of the most important principles that I’ve learned about authentic happiness. I hope they inspired you.

    1. We live the feeling of our thinking.

    As William Shakespeare famously wrote, “Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

    Being authentically happy starts with the realization that you are both the source and the cause of your own well-being.

    We never get to experience the world as it really is; we only get to experience our thoughts about the world. It wasn’t actually other people’s disapproval that made me unhappy; it was my mistaken belief that happiness is something that comes from outside of me in the form of approval.

    Even when it looks as though your emotional state is being dictated by your circumstances, that is never true. Your thoughts are the root of your emotions. Just get curious and ask yourself, “If I weren’t thinking this way, how might I feel differently?”

    2. Everything good is inside.

    We each walk around with two versions of ourselves. One is our unconditioned self, which is innocent, flawless, and untouched by any trauma, criticism, or injustice we may have faced in life. The other is a learned self, more commonly known as the ego.

    The primary role of the ego is to separate you from the truth of who you really are—a human being who is already complete, whole, and mentally and spiritually healthy. The ego believes that happiness is attained through material success, achievement, striving, earning, and deserving. I’ve often heard it described as “everything good outside.”

    But your unconditioned self is the much bigger, wiser you. It already knows that you are what you seek; that real happiness is what naturally happens when you dare to show up unedited.

    All the happiness you have been looking for outside of you can finally be yours when you stop chasing and start choosing.

    3. Our relationship with ourselves determines our relationship with everything else.

    One of the standout moments on my journey of self-discovery was hearing Dr. Robert Holden say, “No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.”

    Every time I had tried to improve the persona I was presenting to the world, I moved further away from the inner satisfaction I was seeking. As soon as I started treating myself with more kindness and compassion, everything in my life got better.

    The more we are willing to love ourselves, in all our messy glory, the less we go searching for happiness in the wrong places. When we are comforted by our own self-love, we no longer need to find comfort through external fixes.

    Forgiveness is key. Start by forgiving yourself for all the times you have allowed your ego block your joy. And understand that the only reason you need to forgive is to restore yourself to the authentically happy person you are here to be.

    Photo by Manuela

  • Releasing the Need for Approval and Making Peace with Yourself

    Releasing the Need for Approval and Making Peace with Yourself

    “Lean too much on other people’s approval and it becomes a bed of thorns.” ~Tehyi Hsieh

    In the face of a conflict with another, the wisdom that most often brings me peace is the reminder that the only thing I can change is how I react. Whatever or whoever else is a part of the conflict, that is outside of my control.

    While I certainly advocate using your excellent communication skills to work through problems with the ones you love, I am a firm believer in finding my own way to cope rather than being a victim of circumstances.

    These are three powerful tools on the road to doing just that:

    1. Realize that no one else is paying attention.

    Back in high school, I faced the typical struggles of being a teenage girl who was well outside of the in crowd. It was no fun to feel like such an obvious misfit, and I remember more than once worrying about what my peers would think of something or other that I’d done.

    It was then that my dad spoke one of the most liberating truths into my life, harsh as it may sound: “Who says they care enough about you to have an opinion in the first place?”

    And what a revelation it was. Humans of all kinds (even, and perhaps especially, teenage girls!) are obsessed with themselves. Each of us lives in a universe that revolves around me; you, if anything, are a mere blip on the radar.

    In my adult life, this same wisdom continues to guide me.

    Too often, I find myself thinking that I’ll do something to “prove” something to a person I’ve been in conflict with.

    I’ll think that by staying single and being obviously happy and fulfilled, those who’ve expressed sympathy or tried to set me up will realize that their efforts were unnecessary. I’ll be tempted to pursue a job or another degree because someone, somewhere will be impressed by it and maybe realize they underestimated me.

    And then I hear my dad’s words again, and I remember that no one is paying that much attention.

    No one but me cares that much about the direction my life takes, the principles I stand on, or the lines on my resume. Any fraction of this life lived for the approval of someone else is wasted; “they” will never notice, and I will be unfulfilled, waiting for something that will not happen.

    The only one whose opinion matters is the only one I have to look at in the mirror at the end of the day. If she is not okay with who I am and what I’m doing, then I have failed.

    2. Do what you can, and then let it go.

    In the last year, I met the first person who was really difficult for me to be around in a long time; probably since those troublesome teenage days. We didn’t get along, and so I avoided him. I was not unkind, but the feeling of dislike was unfamiliar, and not one I enjoyed.

    One day, I got the idea in my head that I should “make peace.” At a gathering for a mutual friend, I said the things I felt needed to be said, in the best way I could say it, and was disappointed that the result was not what I had intended. We did not become friends, but rather he continued to treat me in a way that made me uncomfortable and left me feeling disrespected.

    For a while after that interaction I wondered if I should try the conversation again with a different approach, hoping for a different result. I think even then I knew I was barking up the wrong tree, but I suppose it’s a part of human nature to want to be liked and understood.

    I then remembered another valuable image that helped me make peace with the matter. Everything we see or experience is filtered through our own unique personality and worldview. How can we say for certain that a color we see or a flavor we taste is the same for anyone else on the planet?

    The same was true for my conflict. No matter how many different ways I tried to send the same message, I could not control the way it would be received by this person. I had to trust that I’d done my part as best as I could, and if and when it was ready to be received it would be.

    No one likes to be nagged. I’ve found wisdom only makes sense when you’re ready to receive it, and the pushier the message-bearer, the more resistant the recipient. Do your part, say your piece, and leave it alone.

    3. Be kind to yourself.

    In all of this, we walk away from the need for the approval of others, focusing on finding our wholeness in ourselves. But this journey will not be a peaceful one if we step from the disapproving voices that surround us to a similarly unkind voice that comes from within.

    I’ve caught myself more than once berating myself for making a mistake. “You colossal screw-up! Way to go, moron!”

    Imagining someone else speaking to me that way opened my eyes. If a friend or coworker talked to me the way I was talking to myself, I’d walk away. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do not deserve to be treated that way.

    So why would I treat myself that way?

    There is a quote attributed to Plato that I aspire to live by: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” If we are to give others the benefit of the doubt and treat them kindly regardless of their actions, should we not do the same to ourselves?

    I challenge anyone reading this, myself included, to tread carefully the next time you make a mistake. If someone you loved had done the same thing, wouldn’t you respond gently? “That’s alright; you’ll try again another time. No worries.”

    Let’s use that same voice the next time we talk to ourselves, whether we feel we deserve it or not.

  • Stop Running from Your Life and Start Living It

    Stop Running from Your Life and Start Living It

    Running

    “Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~Buddha

    I spent most of my life running. I ran from people, commitments, physical locations, and most of all, myself. And if I wasn’t running, I was definitely thinking about it.

    I always had great excuses. I wasn’t happy, didn’t fit in, wasn’t comfortable—the excuses were never ending. I was rarely content. So in late 2010, I decided that the best solution was to sell everything, uproot, and move across country.

    The problem with always running is that eventually you grow exhausted.

    Alone in an unfamiliar city, I first thought my depression was due to the vast changes in my life. Not only had I left a relatively small city for one of the largest in Canada, I was jobless, friendless, and scared out of my mind. That’s when things started to fall apart.

    Little by little, everything began to crumble. My self-esteem, confidence, and self-assurance were evaporating, and I didn’t understand what was going on. I had never stopped long enough to take a good look at my life, so I didn’t even know myself.

    I didn’t want to know myself.

    By 2012, I lost interest in most activities that once fulfilled my life. I went through cycles of depression, hopelessness, and panic. I was certain that the world moved ahead and I had fallen behind everyone else.

    I was completely broken and, unlike the other times when I’d struggled, I didn’t think I could be repaired. 

    I attempted counseling but it didn’t help. It just seemed like the layers of my issues weren’t only psychological, but also spiritual. Sure, everything had a logical solution, but it didn’t necessarily give me any comfort.

    Talking to friends wasn’t helpful either. In fact, in some cases it seemed to make me feel worse.

    I sought books and blogs to find the help I needed. The miraculous thing is that once I started to look for solutions, one by one, I found the exact reading material I needed at that very moment. One little molecule at a time, I felt like I was being rebuilt.

    Then everything took an abrupt turn.     

    It was the first weekend in September and I was sitting outside on a beautiful day, feeling a deep sense of peace and relaxation. Maybe, I decided, things were starting to look up. Maybe everything was finally coming together.

    That night I had an intense dream where I was in a mad rush to find a specific person in order to finish a task. I finally found him and he held up a baby for me to see. The child kissed her tiny fingers, then touched my face and in an adult voice said, “I love you.”

    I awoke the next morning feeling like this was strangely a sign of hope.

    Immediately, I thought that one of my close friends back home, who was a spiritual person, would understand the intensity I felt over such a dream. We often discussed our personal struggles and successes, encouraging and helping each other in our journey. She was a big believer in synchronicity and would be elated to learn that I had this positive sign.

    Before I had a chance to contact her, I found out the terrible news: She had been killed in a car accident the previous day.

    Once I got over the shock and disbelief, I felt that the dream was a message from her. We always talked about “signs,” and since she loved children (and was actually a teacher), it made sense that she would communicate with me through a child.

    I felt a great deal of grief over her death, but the dream left me with an unexpected sense of hope.

    I thought about the kind of person she was; she was adventurous, always tried to see the good in others, and lived in the moment. I also thought about how she admired my fiery, direct, and honest attitude. That’s when I realized it was time to bring that person back.

    Although I continued to struggle for the upcoming months, I was feeling a tinge of hope that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

    In late 2012, I was shocked to learn that two more of my friends had died—both were young and had a short bout with cancer.

    It was yet another reminder that we are only given so many days, so much time, and we should use it on things and people that matter to us.

    I ended a friendship that was draining and hurtful. I also put a lot less focus on those who didn’t bring something positive to the table, instead focusing on those who made me laugh and were a joy to be around.

    But even then, I didn’t feel completely fulfilled and often found myself falling into my old, negative thought patterns, usually coinciding with the end of the week.

    Then I took a friend’s advice and picked up a book by Louise Hay. It changed my life.

    In one of her books, she outlines an exercise that requires the reader to visualize themselves as a child of five or six. You have to envision yourself looking into your own eyes as a child. I did so and the first thought that ran through my head was, “I’m sorry that I ruined your life.”

    I immediately broke down. I never cried with such intensity before. Until that moment, I had never realized that this was my central thought for so long.

    No wonder I felt so miserable and defeated. Telling anyone that they ruined your life is a pretty broad statement—and yet, I was telling this to myself everyday.

    Things didn’t become perfect after that day, but I saw some immediate changes. I felt lighter and slept better than I had before. I was calmer and centered in a way I had never experienced in my life; it was a new normal for me.

    I had spent so many years racing away from my thoughts, feelings, fears, and insecurities because the idea of dealing with them was overwhelming. But it had to happen.

    I no longer run away because I know it doesn’t bring you true happiness. I face each situation with courage, but mostly, I follow my instincts and do what feels right. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

    I’m not suggesting that every day is magical, wonderful, and full of pink unicorns. (I wish!) But I’ve learned that the key is to accept yourself with the same love and compassion as you would for the most important person in your life.

    Really, it should be one in the same.

    Photo by StarMama

  • How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

    How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    My partner, Ruth, and I were not happy.

    The inside of her mouth was covered in sores, she couldn’t swallow well, and she was exhausted. The chemotherapy was ravaging her body. Something had to be done.

    When her oncologist, Dr. Patel, came into the room, he perched on his little rolling stool and looked up at her Ruth where she sat on the exam table with her legs dangling.

    She railed against the chemotherapy and what it was doing to her. I seconded her sentiments silently with frequent nods and frowns.

    After some time, Ruth finished her diatribe and crossed her arms, daring Dr. Patel to fix this invasion into the very lifeline of her system.

    His expression had never changed during her speech. He looked at her intently, listening carefully, but his eyes were soft with care and concern. Now those eyes looked deeply into hers.

    “Ruth, don’t resist. Don’t resist the chemotherapy. Allow each drop to enter your body in a healing way and do its work. Resistance does not help you; it only saps your energy. In your treatment, in your work, in all places in your life—don’t resist. Go with whatever comes rather than struggling against it.”

    Ruth and I looked at each other and then back at Dr. Patel.

    Don’t resist? (more…)

  • Dealing with Conflict: Speak Up Before You Blow Up

    Dealing with Conflict: Speak Up Before You Blow Up

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    “I aim to please. It’s okay, no worries. Please don’t worry, its no big deal.” These are some things I’ve said when interacting with others. The truth was that it wasn’t okay, and it was inconveniencing me.

    I could never voice this to people. What if they didn’t like me? Growing up I learned to be polite and to respect my elders, so I considered it rude to tell someone that what they are asking for or what they are doing is actually not okay. I also didn’t want to create any unnecessary problems or conflict.

    I always seemed to end up doing things I didn’t want to do or helping people with things that they should do themselves. I would get frustrated and annoyed and end up taking it out on those people who are close to me. Why did I do this?

    I was sitting in an aisle seat on an airplane once when a man asked me if I wouldn’t mind swapping with him. His friend was sitting next to me, and he wanted to talk to him. The problem was that this guy’s original seat was near the back and was a middle seat.

    I didn’t want to do it, and yet I did. I reluctantly smiled and said, “Sure, no worries.” I then sat in the middle seat on the flight between two very large passengers, feeling cramped and annoyed. This is when it all started going wrong.

    It never rains but it pours. The passenger in the window seat wanted to go to the bathroom, so there was a lot of climbing in and out of the seats. I just smiled and said, “No problem.”

    The meal cart arrived, and because we were at the back, they had run out of the vegetarian choice, so I had nothing to eat. I just said, “Not to worry.”

    My bag was in the compartment above my original seat, so I couldn’t just stand up and get my book. The guy next to me was reading the paper, and it draped into my space. I couldn’t really say anything, because, as you know, reading a newspaper in the confines of an airplane is difficult, and he was trying.

    The other guy next to me was hogging the middle arm rest. My justification was that he was a big guy and he was cramped, shame.

    I was fuming inside because I did not stand up for myself and for what I wanted. I started blaming the guy who was sitting in my original seat for how I was feeling. If he had just stayed in his seat then none of this would have happened. This was the story of my life.  (more…)

  • Do You Judge the Person You Used to Be?

    Do You Judge the Person You Used to Be?

    “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa

    It was the second time I’d gone out to lunch with a new friend I met through this site.

    We’d experienced some of the same things in life, and I instantly admired her attitude and perspective.

    Sometimes when I meet up with people I’ve met through Tiny Buddha, I feel a sense of inner conflict. One the one hand, I want to live up to everything I imagine they expect of me.

    I want to be positive, present, and upbeat—all qualities I aspire to embody in my life and through my work.

    But I also want to be free to just be, in whatever state I find myself on that given day, without worrying about how I’m perceived.

    That’s been my lifelong journey—learning to show up as I am, without fearing whether or not other people will accept that.

    My greatest drive in my life is to be authentic. But if I’m not mindful, I can easily get in my own way.

    As we sat chatting, I found myself feeling more and more comfortable, and relieved that after all the years I’d spent isolating myself, I’d finally learned to relax and be myself in the company of new people.

    We broached the topic of crowds, something I’m pretty vocal about disliking. I made a sarcastic comment, something along the lines of “People are best in small doses.” I meant that I prefer intimate groups of people, but I immediately questioned how it came across.

    That didn’t sound very Tiny Buddha-ish, I thought. Then I reminded myself, “She’ll know what I mean. Clearly I don’t hate people.”

    I wasn’t quite so confident when she said, “Are people best from a computer screen, when you’re sitting alone in your living room?”

    This hit me like a jolt to the stomach, completely knocking the wind out of me. (more…)

  • 33 Things to Accept and Embrace

    33 Things to Accept and Embrace

    “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Today is my 33rd birthday, and at this very moment I am likely sipping a fruity drink by a pool in Las Vegas.

    My boyfriend and I go there often on his Monday and Tuesday off days because it’s not too far from LA; the weekday hotel rates are great; and we’re both huge fans of buffets, shows, and (occasional) poolside day drinking.

    Since I’m writing this in advance, I can’t speak to how I actually feel right in this very moment, but I imagine (and hope) it will be a little something like this:

    I’m wearing a bikini, not a one-piece, like I did for years when I was younger—and I’m rocking it with confidence because I’ve finally decided my imperfect 5’1″ figure is flawsome.

    I’m fully lathered in sunscreen, despite my pasty, almost transparent complexion, because I’ve realized I need to take care of my body if I want it to be healthy.

    I’m mesmerized by the sun and the water, and easing into the moment, despite having a ton of work to do and even more professional uncertainty.

    And I’m grateful for a million and one things worth loving—smiling strangers, free WiFi, enjoyable work I do through it, and time to disconnect from it.

    Looking back over the years, I realize my biggest challenge has always been learning to let go. I put so much energy into trying to control my body, my relationships, and my future that I wasn’t able to relax and enjoy the moment.

    This is something I still work at, but I’ve made a lot of progress.

    So in honor of this day, I decided to share with you 33 things I’ve learned to accept and embrace:

    1. Beauty cannot be defined. Beauty is a reflection of what we deem valuable. For me, it’s an inner radiance and bliss that transcends judgment and fear, or at least makes an effort to.

    2. Perfection cannot be obtained (and it’s boring anyways). Trying to be perfect makes us feel inferior and desperate to change; owning our uniqueness makes us feel worthy and excited to evolve.

    3. Love will be messy at times. Sometimes love looks nothing like the ideal. Unless you’re in an unhealthy relationship, lean into the messiness. That’s where the intimacy is. (more…)

  • Judge Less, Accept More, and Restore Your Happiness

    Judge Less, Accept More, and Restore Your Happiness

    “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    A few years back, the husband of an acquaintance spoke curtly—dare I sound judgmental and say rudely—to his mother-in-law in front of me, his wife, his daughter, and a few others.

    Each time I thought about what he said, a wave of judgmental thoughts came into my mind: How could he speak to her like that? How could he be so disrespectful? And, what a poor example he was setting for his daughter…

    These negative thoughts stayed with me for a few days until I asked myself: “Have I ever spoken curtly or rudely to someone?”

    The answer was, of course, “Yes.” And, although I didn’t want to make excuses, I asked myself if someone had been watching me at that moment, if there were a reason that would make that person understand where I was coming from or what I was going through. The answer was, “Usually, yes.”

    As soon as I turned my attention away from him and looked at myself, all of the negative thoughts I was having about him faded away. Instantly, I felt so much better.

    Beyond that, it provided a good opportunity for me to start looking at myself, why I judged others, and how I could stop it.

    My meditation teacher, Giziben, has said, “Judge, but don’t condemn. If you hear that someone has done something terrible, judge that you will not do that. But don’t condemn the other, as that ignites the desire for revenge and kills the love within.”

    The reasons why we judge are fairly easy to identify. Often we judge others when we’re jealous of them in some way, because they have something, like a position, status, or role, which we don’t.

    We also judge when our desires or expectations aren’t met and then we think, “How could they do that?” It can also just become a habit to complain and find fault. (more…)