“Change is not a process for the impatient.” -Barbara Reinhold
A while back, a Tiny Buddha contributor commented that she was feeling like a fraud for struggling to take advice she’d offered in an article. I told her I could relate. I’ve written more than 600 wisdom-themed blog posts over the past few years, meaning there is abundant potential for me to contradict something I’ve previously explored in my writing.
Sometimes when I am not mindful, or kind, or stress-free, or clearly happier and more peaceful than I once was, I start to wonder if I’ve even changed at all. My black-and-white thinking kicks in, and I question my growth all because of one moment of weakness or struggle (or sometimes, two or three).
Then I remind myself: Change isn’t something that happens in an instant and then makes everything permanently different. Change is a moment-to-moment choice.
Inevitably, we’ll make poor choices from time to time. Occasionally, we’ll fail to do the things we know are good for us. Or we’ll give advice to someone else and then struggle to follow it. Or we’ll fall back into ways of being that we thought we’d abandoned for good.
In those moments, we can beat ourselves up for being imperfect, or we can be kind to ourselves, increasing our odds of making positive choices in the moments to follow.
I don’t know about you, but I find it a lot easier to let go of a difficult moment and get back on track when I accept that struggle is inevitable, and then forgive myself when it happens.
We will never feel happy with ourselves if we pressure ourselves to do everything perfectly, because that just isn’t possible. It is possible, however, to choose change more often than not–to strive every day for more positive choices than negative ones so that we never let one setback devalue all our progress and potential.
Today, if you start wondering if you’ve even changed at all, remember: What really matters is what you choose to do right now.
Photo by antwerpenR
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow, this really speaks to me. 8 years ago today, the universe provided me with a totally undeserved 2nd chance to make my life work. It is an ongoing process…and I am so grateful for it.
This reminds me of an interview HH the Dalai Lama gave on TV. The reporter asked him if he ever lost his temper, he replied yes, someone who never loses their temper must be a ‘real stranger from space’, an alien I guess. I bet I lose mine more than he does lol but there goes another example to show that even following your true path with good intent doesn’t make everything perfect <3
Lots of typos
Thanks for letting me know! I just caught a misspelling and an omitted word. If you see anything else, I’d appreciate you letting me know so that I can fix it!
Lroi
Thank you so much for this post. I too seems to make great spiritual strides and then, without reason seem to fall back into old patterns that do not “jive” with who I see myself as being now. The difference is now I notice that fact whereas before I did not, and that is growth. As the old saying goes, “two steps forward, one step back”. ……but when you do the math I am still moving forward just half as fast as I want. Shooting for “three steps forward” “then four” and so on. Recognizing ones words and actions is the key to the continual improvement we seek.
I’m sure it wasn’t undeserved! We all deserve second chances in life…and sometimes third and fourth. Sending lots of love your way. =)
Lori
I love that honesty. Beautiful. =)
In
most cases, change takes place in a spiral motion. When we make
changes, many times we feel like we have failed, because we try to
change all at once, but we seemingly wind up near where we first
started. However,upon closer inspection, we realize that we have made a
small amount of progress from where we started. So keep spiraling &
one day you will realize the change has happened!
What a coincidence that you made the spiral analogy. A Tiny Buddha contributor previously wrote about this very idea!
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-grow-from-mistakes-and-stop-beating-yourself-up/
I love this concept–that even if we feel we’re right where we were before, we’re not–we’re just dealing with similar circumstances.
My own experience would would not be as much like a staircase, (although I like the idea better) but would be more like a spiral line drawn on paper horizontally . At times I seem to make such large gains, but on the back stroke of the cycle it would seem I am right where I started. In reality I have made a tiny bit of movement toward where I want to be. No one ever said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it, & it has!
Bad spellers of the world, Untie !
I’ve always understood I’ve changed when it slowly dawns on me that I no longer struggle as much the way I used to with whatever the issue is. It’s never about waking up one day and realizing you’ve finally met that elusive goal: it’s about going about your business, having someone be a jerk to you one day, being able to cope with it in a healthy way, and then days later, realizing “Oh my goodness, there was a time when that would have ruined my whole week!” I love that Dalai Lama story. I use it whenever anyone tries to get self-righteous with me about human emotion. The quest is not to be without emotion, to never stumble. It’s to not fall as hard and to get better and better at getting back up.
😀 Whenever I have doubts, my inner dialog goes,”You have. Believe it. Life = change. If you’re still alive, you’ve changed, so chillax.”
This is a great post and a wonderful reminder! Thanks, Lynn
This is an amazing article that speaks to my heart! It’s true that it is easy to beat yourself up after a disappointment. But it is important to be in the present moment, keep looking forward, & let go of the past. Thank you for these words of wisdom!
Very good post. Enjoyed it!
Hi Lori,
“Choice” is a vital key. If one’s choices don’t give the reults that were sought there’s always the great option to vary one’s choices. Trial & error on Life’s journey.
be good to yourself
David
About 4 and a half years ago, I realized that I actually had a choice. For years I chose a destructive, damaging path, convinced that I was going to die a sick, abusive person. I had accepted it. Today I am sober and it’s all because I realize that I am worth it, and change IS possible, if I let it. I am so grateful that I lived long enough to live the life I have today.
A beautiful post, thank you. As a yoga teacher, I have seen yoga students look to their yoga teachers as ‘perfect’ examples of how to live and then be disappointed when they see their teacher in a car park losing his or her temper with another driver. But some of my best yoga teachers are the ones in whom I have seen a moment of frustration, anger or insecurity. It serves as a reminder that there is no goal to reach one day, but that we are all on the same journey making decisions as they come along.
I love what you wrote about two steps forward and one step back. I think progress is the ultimate goal, and sometimes we don’t realize how much progress we’ve really made. Sending lots of love your way. =) ~Lori
This is such a great example. I think instinctively, we want to believe there’s a perfect, evolved, enlightened human being out there, so that we can believe it’s possible for us to attain that. But it sets us and others up for failure, since we are all only human. I think the best we can strive for in life is progress and self-awareness. So maybe we lose our temper on the road, but we then realize and assess how we can improve for next time–and maybe even bring that story to our “students.”
You inspire me. =) I know it isn’t easy to overcome an addiction. I’ve had my share of demons, and your message is exactly what I needed to hear when I was at my lowest moments (or when I was reliving them).
Thanks Jackie!
You are most welcome!
Thank you Lynn!
I think I may steal your inner dialogue. =)
That’s a great way to assess your growth. I’ve had those moments, too, now that I think about it. “The quest is not to be without emotion, to never stumble. It’s to not
fall as hard and to get better and better at getting back up.” <~ I love this. =)
LOL =)
I really needed this today! A great reminder to not beat myself up for not being where I *thought* I should be!
Good Read!.Enjoyed reading it!
“Willpower” makes everything possible.After all it is our ‘will’ to be ‘powerful’…
Be it a good change to sustain or to let go of a bad change..It all depends on the amount of energy directed towards it.
hey Lori,
This blog in particular gives me a lot of hope bcz whether ‘i’ve changed or not’ is something I tend to ponder about from time & again…since i have the habit of going back to a lot of my bad habits that I sort of promised myself that i’ll never go back to, quite often…but its so true…WE WILL NEVER FEEL HAPPY WITH OURSELVES IF WE PRESSURE OURSELVES TO DO EVERYTHING PERFECTLY…& in my life; for better or worse being a Perfectionist(which i’ve already mentioned in previous blogs), makes me obsess & worry over even the silliest of things to turn out or for not turning out in a certain way…but i guess; what really matters at the end of the day is what we do at this very moment; esp. since it might just be the only real thing that we have control over…just wish i can convince my mind that logic…hahah..! Thank U; Lori..!!!!
I can relate to you on the perfectionism–it’s why I’ve often thought the same things. Sounds like we are a lot alike. =)
I look at myself years ago and I saw someone who viewed the world with wonder and kindness but today I feel like I’m not that person anymore all anyone views as is a scary mean person but inside I know that’s not who I want to be