“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown
At the end of my first long-term relationship in college, when it was clear there was nothing left to salvage, I told a mutual friend that I “had to make it work.”
The idea of moving on seemed incomprehensible. I’d invested three years. We’d loved each other, laughed together; hurt each other, grown together. I was young and I made him my everything. How could I possibly let go of us when my own identity was inextricably wrapped in our pairing?
The friend told me I talked as if we were married with kids. I didn’t have to make it work. There was no good reason to stay other than my resistance to the pain of leaving.
How do you ever know when it’s time to walk away from anyone? It always feels so much safer to stay—in a friendship, a romance, and especially a relationship with a family member.
It’s hard to wrap our heads around the idea that love often means letting go. We can still have feelings for someone and recognize that the relationship is irreparable. Sometimes moving on is the best way to love ourselves.
It’s a choice to set two people free instead of continually reliving the same arguments, denying the same incompatibility, and opening the same wounds knowing full well they’ll only heal with time and space.
I’ve written many how-to posts about relationships. I’ve shared my thoughts of kindness, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness, and I’ve even offered suggestions for letting go.
But the truth is there are no simple step-by-step instructions for knowing when it’s time to move on. Surely there are signs. But the most important is that small knowing voice within that says something isn’t right, and it can’t be fixed.
It may never be easy to admit this. Endings always lead to uncertainty, and that can be terrifying.
But they also beget new beginnings, and new opportunities for relationships that don’t leave us feeling depleted and defeated.
How do we know when it’s time to move on? It’s when we find the courage to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that staying will do more harm than good.
We’re the only ones who can admit this to ourselves. And we’re the only ones who can change our lives for the better by finding the strength to walk away.
Photo by Paralog
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I love myself too much now to stay in a unhealthy relationship of any sort. I knew when it was time to move on from either a family member, friend, etc, when I looke dback with clarity on how the relationship was evolving. I asked myself ‘AmI happy when in the company of this person?, Does the relationship seem like two parties are equally giving? Do I feel depleted, hurt, offended?, Does this person have my best interests at heart?
You’ll know when it’s time to move on, sometimes it’s abrupt, sometimes the relationship just fades. When you realize you deserve better things and treated better life starts to make that transition for you. I have ended a few relationships in the past few months because I have evolved and realized I wasn’t happy and that was it, plain and simple. I did feel sadness in the berginning because there is always feelings and history involved but I realized not too long after that I’m doing what makes ME happy.
Once you make the decision to remove the old, the universe opens up and blesses you with more and I have my arms open awaiting the adundance and blessings.
HI Lori,
“When it is time to move on” applies to every aspect of our life … work, school, relationships with family, friends, relationship to the past, the future, and even the relationship with ourself.When I knew it was time to move on, and acted on it, incredible opportunities arose, far beyond what I thought was possible. When I knew it was time to move on, but just kept at it, every day brought more difficult situations. Life was painful since I was out of integrity with myself. When it became too much, whatever it was ended abruptly, with residual side effects that were challenging often for years. It was so much more painful than the times when I recognized and acted. It took longer to get back on my feet.linnaea
Excellent post and a good reminder for me today.
xxoo
Great post! It’s amazing to look back and think about how much I’ve “put up with” but we all reach our max when it’s time. It’s so much easier to be alone and happy than living for someone else or in an unhealthy relationship but it took me a really long time to learn that. I’m just glad that I did! Thanks for all of your inspiring messages.
Great post Lori. Right before my husband was diagnosed with cancer I was planning to move out. I had struggled with that decision for years until my son said one day, “Are you in it for the memories?” wow. That woke me up.
Then something incredible happened. My husband almost died and in many ways he did in fact die because he was a different man afterward. He’s ten years clean now and we are happily together.
God had a better plan and I’m grateful for the wake-up call we both experienced.
I hope you’re well and happy Lori.
b
I needed this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this post today! It spoke to me in a way that nothing else has as I contemplate my current situation in life.
My courage needed this. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.
Very timely article. Been looking online for “pick me ups”, reminders, and some wisdom. Letting go is never easy, but necessary for sanity and healing. Thank you.
A very timely article. I recently asked a friend, “When do you know when it’s time to say ‘when’?” She said, “When your stomach aches” (which it had been for two days.) I asked my therapist “When do you give up on a relationship?” She said, “When nothing else has worked.” All good pieces of advice.
This couldn’t have come at a better day to be honest! Thank you very much you’ve made me feel alot better about myself 🙂
I am having similar troubles with a situation which involves this kind of relationship in my present. I am currently at university, but have many memories of school days with friends that are mostly happy, or at least were exciting. However, these people really hurt me when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, also part of our group of friends, but failed to support me during this time. They chose to give him emotional support whilst shunning me, in a situation which was not either-or.
I now have a new boyfriend who is very good to me, and am friends with my ex. I feel as if I am in a different place in my life, having come out of the other side of a depressive episode. But I can’t decide whether to let these people back into my life. They are fun and still invite me to events but I know this will stop if I keep choosing not to attend. But they really let me down, and I haven’t been sad about not seeing them for almost a year. I have one or two good friends I have taken with me from this group who still live close.Is this is a problem with this type of relationship from the article, where I no longer need them in my life, or me being too unforgiving?
there is also the very real possibility that ‘difficulties’ in relationships are actually growth opportunities, and if avoided usually show up in the next one since we tend to carry our baggage with us. the external tends to reflect the internal.
i say if you are with someone committed to working on their ‘stuff’ and you are equally committed, why not do the work here and now rather than with the next partner?
Knowing when to move on or to try just one more thing comes only with experience. We have to be willing to learn from our past and, if this is a first time thing, to gamble on the future. There are no set parameters for “giving up the ghost” or “hanging in there” in relationships. “Moving on” has taken on an entirely new facade in today’s disposable society. Myriads of excuses are utilized for abandoning otherwise workable relationships. Even marriages have the certainty of a coin toss.
Relationships have had their way with me. I have learned a lot from them all. None were the same. No exit strategy was the same…on either side. I believe the best measure of determining whether to stay or go is to discern if your happiness is contingent upon the other’s presence or approval. If it is, it’s time to go.
hey Lori – I found it very hard to move on after a relationship that was not working. It’s hard to be courageous and make the difficult choices that I should have made when I value loyalty so much and hoping the circumstances or person could change. Staying definitely was more harmful for us than good. I was definitely terrified of uncertainty and change but have since come to embrace it, and have realized that part of life is to continually embrace change!
Perfect reminder this morning.
Thank you getting ready to leave a three abusive relationships.
It is really sad when you have to let go of an adult daughter because the relationship has become do hurtful and broken! It breaks my heart but I must move on…..thanks for the post.It could not have come at a better time!!!
This post hits home, as I am sure it has for a lot of people. Nearly two weeks ago I decided to tell my ex-girlfriend that we needed to cease all forms of communication. We had been broken up for over a year, but tried to remain friends throughout. All that led to was a constant cycle of happy to hurt feelings. As time went on I started to realize I really had nothing to say to my ex in conversations. It was as if we were both afraid to walk to away from one another, so we would try to force ourselves to remain friends because of fear of the unknown. After a recent episode that led to more hurt feelings I decided it was time to step away. It has not been easy at all, but I know I had to face my fear and move on.
What a wise son you have! Memories and shared experiences are undoubtedly an important part of a relationship but if its the only thing left and the present moment is no longer healthy, it’s probably time to move on. Thank you and your son for this! 😉
A very honest post. I think the quote actually hit the nail on the head for me in more ways than one
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave
them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”
~Unknown
My husband left me after 23 years and to be honest it has completely devastated me. He wants me to move on, in fact so does my friends and family they don’t seem to understand that it feels utterly wrong for me to do so. I love him and want him to come home, it makes perfect sense to me. I will never understand how he could just walk away from our relationship without even trying to fix whatever went wrong, how can you do that after the history we shared the daughters we made. I’m at a complete loss to that behavior maybe I never meant anything to him and its all been a lie.
I know for my own peace, my own sanity I have to accept what has happened but…..
anyway great post thanks Lori
Good for you! You deserve better. I wish you the best of luck and am confident that you can create a better future for yourself.
This is a wonderful post Lori with several golden nuggets of wisdom – especially “Sometimes moving on is the best way to love ourselves”. If only more people were aware of this advice.
I think we stay in dysfunctional relationships, and tolerate SO much because there’s this one slice of something that you need from this person, something that this person does, that works so well and is hard to find, and fills a big void. And you have chosen to tolerate all the dysfunctional stuff just to have that little valuable slice. It comes time to walk away, when the tolerating starts to really outweigh you’re little golden slice… Or you have realized that you really don’t need that slice, or others can fulfill it for you. Or, the slice has all but disappeared because the dysfunctional stuff has just grown to a point that you can’t access the little slice anymore. All your time and energy is around navigating the scary jungle of the STUFF. I think that is the tipping point. And I arrived here today, interestingly, the same day this post appeared. So thank you! The universe has wrapped all this up so nicely for me.
I finally moved on from unhealthy eating. Food has always been my friend and my comfort and my career has also been in the food industry. I always felt like I deserved a “treat” to make myself happy or to feel better be it ice cream or candy or a huge plate of nachos. I finally made the shift to seeing that I was not “treating” myself well with this food and the real treat is in eating healthy food and not feeling sick all the time. Not quite the same as a relationship with a person, but in a way, similar.
I doubt that. I’m sure it wasn’t as easy for him as you think it was. Perhaps he just has to show as little emotion as he can to make it easier for you to move on? Everyone deals with emotions differently.
A know about 7000 people have said this, but this really couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I am dealing with a relationship falling apart and leaving me living in our old home alone at the moment. Everything i see in this place makes it hard to cope with the knowledge that it is all actually over and all the memories I have of her will not be projected into the future.
As time has past however, i have come to realize something about myself that has become more obvious now as a pattern has developed from past breakups and that is: I place my self-validation in my relationships.
As Js679 said: ‘I think we stay in dysfunctional relationships, and tolerate SO much because there’s this one slice of something that you need from this person, something that this person does, that works so well and is hard to find, and fills a big void.’
I have known for a long time that things were not really working out in our relationship but i refused to end it for the validation of my own existence she was giving me. She is a fantastic person, in pretty much every way. However, she was not right for me and as much as i can mentally be aware of that, it does not make me not want her back.
The only way any of us can ever be truly happy in a relationship is when we give up on love. That is to say: “Once one has stopped searching for approval and/or validation of his/her existence in the eye of another, one can be opened up to a much larger world of love.’
Then, when we truly rely on only ourselves for validation, love and respect, we see the participation and support from our significant other as really, really awesome rather than necessary for the hearts continual beating. Or something like that… ;o)
Amazing post and timing Lori! I married a man who I had second thoughts about marrying because of fear of the unknown. And like Js679 pointed out, I must have gotten something positive from the dysfunctional relationship because I stayed until we had been married 10 years and had 2 children together. When the dsyfunction was enough to make me feel like I wanted out enough to either make a positive or negative choice to get there, I chose the healthier option. We divorced a year ago and I have grown a lot. Your blog has been a key point in that growth. But the last few days I’ve been dealing with issues co-parenting with him and I have been having a difficult time. Your blog could not have been posted at a better time. Like Connie said, I do care for myself more than I did when I was with him, and I am choosing to wait until I can honestly say that I love myself enough to not settle for bad behavior before I seek out a new partner. Thank you for your blog, I always find it refreshing.
We need to teach our young people, and a few older ones, that a relationship ending is not a failure. The failure is to persist in a relationship that is making both parties miserable. The fact that two people don’t fit together says nothing bad about either partner, but the ego often steps in and we experience rejection; or we’ve been fed a lot of fairy tales like “soul mates” and “love lasts forever” or “you can make any relationship work”… (the list of dysfunctional beliefs is probably endless.)
Recognizing this, while in the midst of it, requires a lot of gentle support from people who love and value us.
You’re most welcome Chris. I’ve been there as well. I stayed in so many unhealthy relationships because leaving felt terrifying to me. It’s such an empowering feeling to walk away and know you’ll be just fine.
You’re most welcome. =)
You’re welcome Rhonda. I’m glad this helped!
I’m happy to help Mike!
I don’t think there’s a black and white answer to this kind of thing. You just need to follow your own instincts. If they’re still inviting you to things, perhaps this is their way of letting you know they care (even if they didn’t show it very well before). The question is: Do you want them in your life? Do you feel able to forgive them for the past and move on?
That’s a great point. I think there’s a difference between leaving because you know it’s the right choice, and leaving because you’re scared or stuck. It’s not always easy to tell the difference, but I think deep down, we usually know.
I’m glad you found this helpful Kat!
That’s wonderful you’ve decided to walk away! I second what George wrote. No one deserves to be mistreated. I’m sending good thoughts your way!
You’re most welcome! I’m sure that can’t be an easy choice to make, but it sounds like you know it’s the right one.
You’re welcome Chantal. I can understand why that would be devastating–especially when you have so much history together. I think it can be even tougher to get closure when you don’t fully understand what went wrong. I think it’s wonderful you’re working toward acceptance, even if it’s hard!
Thanks George. It’s a tough lesson to learn, for sure.
That’s great you were able to shift your perception in that way. I “ate my feelings” for years, and also thought of food as a treat, so I can absolutely relate to what you wrote. Congrats on making this positive change. =)
That’s very insightful and so well put. Congrats on arriving at this healthy place–and thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here!
That’s wonderful Connie–and very inspiring! I think you really hit the nail on the head with the questions you posed. If you feel bad more often than good, that’s a good sign something isn’t right.
How wonderful you’ve both had this second chance Barbara. I am indeed doing well. =)
You’re most welcome. I really admire that you’re choosing to wait instead of rushing into another relationship. I know that’s not always easy to do, but what a loving choice for yourself.
You are most welcome!
You’re welcome Theresa. I’m glad it helped!
Those are both great pieces of advice. I think it also helps to ask, “What advice would I give a friend if she were in my shoes?” It’s always so much easier to see things clearly when it’s not yourself!
I think that’s one of the most important keys to happiness in life–continually embracing change. It’s not easy, but life is far more peaceful when we stop resisting it, kicking and screaming!
I’m sorry to learn about your break up. It’s never easy to move on from a relationship, but I’m sure it doesn’t help matters that you’re living in the same home.
I appreciate that your shared your insights here, and I love what you wrote about opening up to a much larger love. I think that’s true in all relationships, including friendships. I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking approval and validation, and sometimes I still find myself looking for this in my friendships. I try to stop and ask myself, “How can I give myself the validation I’m seeking from them?” Suddenly I become a much better friend because I can actually be there for them (instead of always wanting something from them).