“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ~Winston Churchill
As someone whose profession requires me to spend a great deal of time alone, I’m always trying to strike a balance between solitude and connection; so yesterday I decided to write from this courtyard outside the activity center in my apartment community.
I ended up sitting next to two men who I overheard discussing something that sounded personal.
I didn’t stay for long, at the risk of being intrusive, but I quickly realized one of the men was coaching the other to be more confident when meeting new people.
He told him to close his eyes and call to mind positive things that made him feel self-assured, happy, and peaceful. Then he asked him to open his eyes and introduce himself, while mentally reinforcing that he wants something for the other person, not from him.
This simple suggestion hit me as quite profound. It begged the question: What’s the difference between approaching someone as if there’s something you need to get and approaching someone as if there’s something you want to give?
If we want something from people, we come to them from a place of lack, unbalance, and maybe even neediness.
If we want something for people, we come to them from a place of wholeness, presence, and maybe even love.
And it’s not just about self-confidence or altruism. It’s also about taking responsibility for creating positive energy around us, which inevitably multiples.
When we give good thoughts, good vibes, and a smile, we generally get it back.
Though I had moved to sit further away from the men, I could still overhear their conversation—and I eventually realized one was actually coaching the other to be a successful salesman.
Turns out he would want something from the people he would meet.
Still, I was grateful this message came to me, because I found it inspiring, and I knew upon hearing it that I wanted to give it to you.
Inevitably we are going to want things from other people. Hopefully we’ll be able to be honest about that and simply ask for what we need.
But when we don’t, perhaps we can share a little light by approaching each other with the intention of giving something good.
We all have so much to give. We just need to consciously choose to access and share it.
Photo by ganesha.isis
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Yes Lori.,when we came across as needy and someone who has some covert and
hidden intentions of getting something from other people, other people just
sense it, they just seems to know that the person in front of me came to me due
to some other reason than he is talking about, I has these experiences with some
of my friends when they call me , they start their talk by asking how I am, and
what I am doing these days, and after few questions they get to the main point ,
that they need some help from me, asking help is not a problem, but when some
person always call you in such a manner, disguising positive talk as a means to
get something from me , I just sense it, Because usually people who care for me
not always call to get my help, they just call to know how I am and share their
experiences, although they also ask my help when they need it, but you just need
to be aware that is the person asking help always talk to you for such reasons
of getting something from you, or a person is asking help because he consider
you as his close one, and its just that when we give people, we just feel good
about ourself, atleast I feel that when there is no one whom I can love, I just
feel suffocated sometimes due to this overflow of energy, like I want to love
someone, no matter if other person loves me or not.
But on the other hand asking for help is ok, if you need something from
someone we don’t have to hiude behind some positive talk or feel ashamed for it,
its just that the way you ask for help does also matter, people manipulate each
other by guilt, and by reminding them of all things you have done for them, but
I think if you ask help in a non demanding, non needing and compassionate way,
then it is easier for other person to give help, he feels that he has enough
resources to give you, but people take it too fast, let other person feel good
about himself before you take help from him.
I had never really thought about approaching people with something for them instead of from them! Being mindful of this today, it’ll be intersting to see how interactions may change and how my own mentality may change.
This is a great subject. Living in NYC I come in contact with a lot of people and often just interact with them to make them smile. I try and connect with them based on what we’re doing together… buying coffee, looking at clothing. My hope is always that I pass on a laugh or a smile and they do the same for someone else.
One morning I ran across the street for a cup of coffee. There was a gentleman buying coffee and he was short on change, so I offered him what he needed as he was going to leave to go back to his office. He declined at first and I insisted saying, “you pass on what I gave to you when you have the opportunity.” We shook hands and exchanged wishes for a good day and that was that.
Really appreciate the message here today. Peace begins with these tiny actions. 🙂
Great message, as always!
I like this passage just reading it gave me this warm and confident feeling inside. You don’t have to meet people with any type of intention besides wanting to see them smile or wish them a good day…my mother & I had a talk on monday & I told her “i just want to share my gifts with everyone else. What good is a gift if you don’t share it.” I said it in those words verbatum and I realized immediately that’s what separates me from other…these days everyones so selfish and worried about receiving vs. Giving … Well anyway…..i think this passage was on that track & I’m glad that you decided to pass this message..thank u
So, what I want FOR you, Lori, is that you know that you are never really alone. At a minimum, you have all of us, your readers, loving and caring about you, ready to receive your simple wisdom and contemplate it and perhaps pay it forward. What I want FROm you is just what you are offering. But then, I also haven’t seen your sales catalog. Do you have one to share? 🙂
Thank you for this posting! Great timing. I have lately been learning the benefits of energetic giving rather than taking (or guarding oneself). Especially love this quote — “It’s also about taking responsibility for creating positive energy around us, which inevitably multiples.”
I love how you take these everyday moments and turn them into stories and prompts for the rest of us! You inspire me with this ability, as I do it every day in my head but never have the courage to write and to share. ~Namaste~
“If we want something from people, we come to them from a place of lack, unbalance, and maybe even neediness.If we want something for people, we come to them from a place of wholeness, presence, and maybe even love.”
It’s always amazing and wonderful when the Universe uses others to give me just what I need. I really needed this today to shift my perspective. Thank you for this wonderful gift!
I’m glad you enjoyed it Tana. =)
I hadn’t thought of that either! It just hit me as so simple and yet so powerful. I hope it created some positive interactions today! =)
What a wonderful act of kindness. =) I think it’s great you spread good will in this way. Especially in big cities, it’s easy to feel a sense of separation. I’ve been there before!
Thank you!
You’re most welcome. I think it’s wonderful you want to share your gifts. The world’s a better place when we all think that way!
Thank *you* for the smile you gave me! I don’t have a sales catalogue…but maybe a few books down the road! =)
You’re most welcome! I love being able to write about my everyday experiences and find lessons within them. I would love to read something from you some time! If you’d like to submit a post for the blog some time, that would be great. =) There are more details here:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/get-featured
You’re most welcome Rose. I hope you had a wonderful day!
I have a whole new outlook on how I talk to people. I never realized that I was looking to get instead of receiving. This will be a wonderful concept to add to my practice. Thank you, Lori, for making it so simple to understand. Namaste…
I know what you mean. I think you know you have a true friend when you can call just to call–not for a specific reason. I always enjoy getting those calls, and I try to make them often as well!
And I think you make a great point about asking for help. It can feel kind of vulnerable to just come right out and ask for what you want or need, but it can also strengthen a relationship when you feel comfortable enough to do that.
Beautiful Lori! I recently realized that a friendship I have was based on neediness. I am trying to grow out of that neediness but not out of the friendship. Approaching that relationship from a place of wholeness and presence is the key. Is a difficult balance to find…
When I can hear there are teachers everywhere.
You’re most welcome. I’m so glad you found this helpful!
I know what you mean. I think you know you have a true friend when you can call just to call–not for a specific reason. I always enjoy getting those calls, and I try to make them often as well! And I think you make a great point about asking for help. It can feel kind of vulnerable to just come right out and ask for what you want or need, but it can also strengthen a relationship when you feel comfortable enough to do that.
I know what you mean Melisa. I’ve struggled in finding that balance too. I’m glad you enjoyed the post!
Oh my, Lori, this post speaks to my soul.
I am a giving person for the most part,when asked by a freind if sometimes people take advantage of me I said they can’t because I give it the them. I figure you can’t take what’s givin to you
That’s a wonderful way to look at giving!
Maintaining this perspective while engaged in a job-search is daunting. I have been counseled to do more social networking ;- online and in-person;- to land a new job.
Negotiating the fine line between social and professional interests is often rife with issues.
Nowadays,given the fragile state of the economy,it seems like everybody;-from artists to politicians;- has an ‘agenda’ which is predicated upon survival.
What’s daunting is maintaining one’s inner compass in steering through the games people play;- consciously and unconsciously; once they’re off their yoga mat!
I know what you mean. Networking in that way has never been my strong suit, for that very reason. I’m sending you good thoughts for your job search!
Reading this, I felt warm inside. Thanks Lori, you are a wonderful giver!
You’re most welcome. Thank *you* for giving me that compliment! =)
This post was great! I will try to apply it to my every day. 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed it! =)