“If you learn from a loss you have not lost.” –Austin O’Malley
Earlier this year I spent dozens of hours and nearly $1,000 on a new feature for this site. Due to some misunderstandings between me, the programmer, and the designer, things didn’t turn out quite how I intended.
Ultimately, I decided to cut my losses and focus my attention somewhere else. I knew I might revisit this feature down the road, but that would require more time and money, and at first that bothered me.
I finance the site independently, and I’m not rolling in cash, so it felt like I’d just thrown away resources that I could have used somewhere else.
It was tempting to dwell on mistakes I had made, and harp on the mistakes that weren’t mine.
Eventually I realized absolutely nothing good would come from that line of thought—but something good could come from the loss itself. It might not have been the best investment for the site, but it was a solid investment in my education.
I learned about clarifying my vision upfront, and communicating it to a team. I learned about expressing expectations clearly, and ascertaining that it’s possible to meet them. I also learned a lot about the tech side of things that I previously didn’t know.
Framed from that perspective, suddenly it didn’t seem like a total loss. If we’re honest with ourselves, I suspect we’ll realize that very few losses are.
If you lose a relationship you value, you could ascertain that you lost your chance at happiness—or you could decide to learn from that experience to open up to an even healthier relationship in the future.
If you lose a job you enjoyed, you could decide that you’ll never know that satisfaction again—or you could appreciate the opportunity to start a new adventure with the knowledge and wisdom you gained from your last.
If, like me, you lose money through an investment that didn’t pan out, you could feel indignant and bitter—or you could learn to make smarter investments in the future so that one short-term loss can ultimately lead to long-term gain.
From jobs to loves to dreams to hopes, we’ll inevitably lose things we treasure in life. Whether or not we gain something through each experience is entirely up to us.
Photo by brewbooks
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Sometimes those financial mistakes are hard to bear, but there’s definitely no point in holding on to bitterness.
I needed this today. Thank you.
I really like the title you’ve chosen for this expression of wisdom.
I’m reminded of the opening of one of my favorite David Whyte poems, My Poetry:
My poetry is all
reversed arrivals,
departures that are not,
secret losses
become public gains
and love welling
from the wound
of a misconstrued defeat.
In my experience, the recognition of misconstrual often occurs only well after what initially seems like a defeat. It is helpful to be reminded of this wisdom. Thanks.
True!! 🙂
True words. Once the money has been spent, it is *gone* and no amount of hurting or dwelling on its loss can bring it back.
Like they say…it’s not what happens to us – but how we react to it.
Someone stole my car last week. Twice, actually. It was stolen again within 24 hours of being recovered initially. I am struggling with this financial loss. There are damages to the car. I am not sure what insurance will cover, if anything (they don’t quite believe me that it was stolen twice, need to investigate more). And, the car just won’t look quite the same after this. I was planning on selling it in a few months, and using that money to travel but it won’t sell for quite so much now. I’m looking for lessons in this. Don’t trust people? Buy a club, which I didn’t have because I had let go and trusted in the universe too much, had trusted in humanity too much. Should I go back to not trusting anyone? I was out of town while both thefts happened. I had lent the car to a friend while I was gone. Is the lesson that I should be less generous with my belongings, hoard my things and not let others use them?
I’m seriously trying to learn the lesson and I’m just really struggling!
I spent 9 hours yesterday recovering the car. At first, I was struggling with the loss of so many hours. However, I managed to find beauty in the day, spending it with a friend on a crazy adventure that led us all around the Bay Area. We even got to spend some time hiking up cliffs on a beach. A beach that I never would have gone to had I been trying to be responsible with my time and get work done. So, there was beauty in the day. But, in the financial loss? In my frustration with humanity?
You’re most welcome!
Thanks for sharing this poem Joe. I’ve never seen this before, and I enjoyed it!
I’ve always loved that quote. It helped me through some difficult times. Such wise words!
I know it’s tough when something like this happens. There have been times when I’ve been too trusting and have wondered if the answer was to trust no one. There’s a blog post I read a few years ago that I think you may want to read:
http://www.cockybastard.com/wrds/99/1031.htm
You may find the “optimism tax” concept interesting.
Ultimately, I think we need to take precautions (not leaving our front doors unlocked, for example) but also, for our own happiness and sanity, resist the urge to become cynical.
I’m glad there was beauty in the day. As for the potential gain in the financial loss, perhaps you’re too close to identify something valuable from the experience. I’m not suggesting that there’s always something good in everything. There are certain things that happen that will never seem positive to us. I do think, however, that we can usually identify something positive in hindsight. And that type of thinking helps us grow instead of just growing bitter.
Learning is always there if you’re on the look. This is a great reminder that all experiences (gains, losses, good ones, bad ones) have value. I always appreciate what you write about and the style with which you write it. Thank you, Lori.
Bitterness…is a CHOICE.
Well, I live in Europe so I don’t really know about the laws in the States… Has the police only found the car without being able to bust the thieves? I mean, normally those who had stolen the car have to pay for the damages, not the owner… OK, whatever, I’ll try to give you some food for thought:
– Why was it stolen at all? Does that friend live in a very criminal neighbourhood? In this case, you’d really better not lend your car anymore to people in the slums or so. Or was that person not careful enough to lock the car properly? In this case, s/he’d be liable for the damage. If none of those apply, you might consider to kinda revamp it in terms of safety.
– Probably you shouldn’t sell the car as of now (or so soon). Maybe you shouldn’t travel at the time you’d planned to. On the other hand, if the Universe supports your travel plans, you might still get the money in some other way from a different source.
– And finally – you might not like the idea at all, but anyway – in my opinion, a car is a means of transportation, a tool, a basic commodity, not a luxury item or a profit-bearing investment of money. If regarded as a latter, it should be locked in a garage with a supe-duper high tech security system and – for God’s sake – not being used on everyday basis or, even worse, given to anyone else!
Good luck with coping & learning, anyway!
Thank you, Lori, for sharing that optimism tax blog posting.
Definitely a different way of looking at things which has helped to shift my perspective and feelings around all of this.
I can’t hold the world to my own perfectionistic standards, so why suffer myself when the world isn’t living up to my ideal?
It is only money and I am very fortunate to have enough to cover it, to pay my optimism tax.