“The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” -Eli Khamarov
There was a time when I hesitated to accept unsolicited offers of support. If someone suggested a way they could help me, I assumed they were looking for something specific in return. This made me somewhat defensive, because there were and are a lot of things I don’t want to do.
I don’t want to personally recommend products I haven’t tried myself. I don’t want to tweet promotional links of any kind. I don’t want to send dedicated email blasts about books, or seminars, or teleconferences.
Because I never want to treat this community as a commodity, I instinctively limit how and when I share products and services. For this reason, I used to resist when someone offered to help me, to avoid creating expectations or taking more than I was prepared to give.
I’ve realized, however, that I limit how other people can teach, enrich, and support me when I assume they have ulterior motives. I also limit my ability to discover their unique talents and contributions, and how I may want to support them in a way that aligns with my values.
We all hope to form relationships defined by mutual respect and reciprocal support, and of course we all want opportunities to expand our reach and better pursue our dreams.
But sometimes the best thing we can do is allow ourselves to receive, without needing to qualify it with a return offer. If we stay open-minded and open-hearted, we will inevitably help other people—maybe not the ones who help us, and maybe not exactly as they did it, but when we recognize a need that we can meet.
That’s not to say people won’t occasionally have expectations—we all do it from time to time. It just means it’s not our job to anticipate them and worry about our ability to meet them.
I am a huge fan of asking the question: “How can I support you?” We can do a lot more, individually and collectively when we work with—not against—each other. But we never need to offer things we don’t want to give out of obligation.
Sometimes all we need to do is say is “Thank you for supporting me.”
Photo by Wonderlane
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
There is a great lesson here.
When we assume everyone is out only for their own benefit, and only to help themselves, we really only hurt ourselves. The world becomes a strange and hostile place, and we only have our own minds to blame.
Oddly enough, seeing the best in everyone also doesn’t really affect them that much. It’s ourselves, and our worldview, that changes for the best.
nice….
This is a topic close to my heart! Thank you for your words about the benefits of receiving. Amanda
Hmmmm… this article was interesting for me because I had several different reactions all at once, and it took a little bit to untangle them.
I’ve been brought up with the idea of “TAANSTAFL” – there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. So when someone offers to do something for me out of the blue, I’m generally happier if I can clearly see what it is they’re wanting to get out of the offer. Sometimes I recognise that “what they want” can be intangible – if they’re someone I already know, it might simply be that my stress is stressing them out, so by helping me, they reduce the drama in their life, and I’m happy with that – but I do feel I want to understand it. Otherwise, I do experience a sense of obligation to them, and I want to understand whether they feel there’s any obligation on me to respond in kind, or pay something forward or whatever before I accept what they offer. Depending on how well I know the person, this may take some communication.
When it comes to offers from strangers, I tend to really need clarity – I may choose to accept what they offer, but not without some very clear communication around what exactly they’re offering, and what they expect in return. The communication is (unless there’s a genuine reason for it not to be) generally polite and positive, but if it doesn’t happen, I don’t feel comfortable accepting the offer
I was actually brought up to think the same. I think when we offer to do something, there’s generally a benefit we have in mind, even if that benefit is just to feel good.
I’ve had many times when people have wanted more (and I’ve also been that person who wanted more). I appreciate when people are direct about what they want up front so that I can let them know whether or not it’s something I feel comfortable doing.
One thing I’ve realized, though, is that if someone doesn’t express their desire upfront, I am in no way obligated to meet it later just because I accepted assistance from them at earlier point in time. Of course I’ll do my best to be helpful in the way I’m comfortable doing it–but it’s not my job to anticipate someone else’s expectations.
I can understand your instinct to want clarity. Everything goes much more smoothly when people are open about their intentions!
I knew this one would resonate with you! Your book really opened my eyes about the benefits of receiving.
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Base on your theory, Juese must came for something. We should not reveive his love. There is no real love in our world!