“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” -Mary Engelbreit
In a recent response to my blog post about dealing with difficult people, an anonymous commenter mentioned that she has a negative team member, an irrational supervisor, and an ineffective HR manager. Since she feels that leaving her job isn’t an option, she asked for advice about what she should do.
I could relate to that feeling of being stuck–when you’re in a situation you don’t like, but you feel powerless to change it.
When I’ve been in those circumstances, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I should change my perceptions and responses. After all, other people were causing problems–why should I have to change?
In fact, I spent years stubbornly fighting with people who I thought were in the wrong. Because I felt confident in my judgments–that they needed to be more considerate, or less abrasive, or whatever–I essentially justified a negative attitude by bemoaning their negativity.
Instead of actively seeking workable solutions, I sat around complaining about how other people caused the problems.
In doing so, I became the problem. The victim mentality was the problem. My stubborn righteousness was the problem. These were the things that were keeping me stuck–not what other people did.
We’re going to feel powerless sometimes. Sometimes we’ll have to stay with difficult roommates, even if just temporarily. Sometimes we’ll need to work thankless jobs just to make ends meet. We can either fight what is, or choose to see opportunities within it.
Today if you feel stuck in a situation you don’t love, ask yourself: Do I have the power to change this, and, if not, how can I respond positively and proactively in a way that can help me grow?
Photo by Mark Mrwizard
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank You. I needed to hear this message at this point in my life 🙂
Or, I guess one could say that problems aren’t problems, but challenges. Easier said than done, though – when I’m on a tight deadline, the last thing I’d want is a prob– eh, challenge 😉
the best thing to do is look on the positive way, and stay focus on our priorities 🙂
thanks for sharing 🙂
It is also useful to remember, and act from the perspective of “the person is not the problem, the problem is the problem.” (Dave Epston) When we shift from the personal solutions become more visible and the problem less emotionally charged. At least I have found this a helpful strategy.
this was fitting for me today as it was my first day back to work at a job I am really so done with…but I have to make it work for the the next four months…today I choose to be positive and see there is a light at the end and look forward to anew beginning
Another great article, thank you!
The most convincing argument for self-change is I have control over my own attitudes and actions and that’s all the reason in the world to change myself. If my happiness is dependent on how other people behave, then it’s likely I will not be very happy in my life because I have no control and very little influence over how others think, act and feel.
I have found that most other people are struggling in their own lives and functioning to the best of their ability at the time. When this is the case there really isn’t much that can be done to affect change in others. Sometimes recognizing that other people are struggling helps me be more compassionate and patient in my interaction with them.
Again, I loved this article. I’m always grateful to be reminded of my power of choice. Re-tweeted, Stumbled and Liked! 🙂
Recently posted, “Practice Constructive and Respectful Conflict Resolution”:
http://livelovework.wordpress.com/2011/04/22/practice-constructive-and-respectful-conflict-resolution/
I have been struggling with being affected by the extreme rudeness of others and letting it ruin my mood. Thanks for this!!! 😉
“Sometimes recognizing that other people are struggling helps me be more compassionate and patient in my interaction with them.” <~ Yes, me, too! This is why vulnerability is so important. I think we sometimes forget how compassionate people can be when we are honest.
Sounds like a great attitude to take into it. I hope everything is going well at your job!
Oooh I like that! It creates an immediate mental shift. Thank you for sharing it here!
You’re most welcome. =)
You’re welcome. I’m so glad it helped!