“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” -James Joyce
When you were little, did you ever rip up a picture you’d worked really hard on just because you colored a little out of the lines?
I was that girl; and I had a similar experience this weekend.
I decided to make lasagna for this potluck party my boyfriend and I were going to host. I don’t cook often, so this felt like a big deal. I got all the ingredients the night before, stacked them on the counter, and then admired them. They were the pieces of my saucy masterpiece to be.
The next day, I realized I’d made several mistakes, including buying the wrong type of noodles and failing to buy a bowl large enough for the massive cheese concoction.
Since oven-ready lasagna noodles don’t break easily, I went through an entire box trying to perfectly fill in all the gaps in the pan. When my lasagna ended up looking like the food equivalent of Charlie Brown’s sad Christmas tree, I seriously considered tossing it out, even though there wasn’t time to buy ingredients for another.
I decided instead to push through my perfectionist instincts because this has been a pattern in my life: start something and quit if I think I’ve messed it up.
Last week I wrote about the beauty of starting over, but as with everything in life, it’s not universally applicable. Sometimes we need to start fresh, but sometimes we need to keep going, through the messiness and imperfection. I haven’t always done this well.
When I’ve made huge mistakes with friends, I’ve wanted to hide or bail. When I’ve messed up royally with jobs, I’ve wanted to call in sick or quit.
It can feel vulnerable to be present in a situation where you feel you’re struggling or not showing yourself in the best light, but this is how we grow: by stretching ourselves through discomfort instead of shutting down.
This is how we get closer to others, closer to our dreams, and closer to the people who we want to be. It’s how we learn about ourselves and identify areas for improvement.
Things are going to feel messy and imperfect lots of times in life. We can either resist that and run whenever things feel out of control, or lean into the mistakes and learn from every one.
Photo by renaissanechambara
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Beautiful! So it was imperfect, but was it delicious? Cooking has taught me lessons about humility and the value of effort. Often the results aren’t pretty, but they are at least nourishing, if not savory.
Hi Lori!
In the end, forward is the only viable direction. Delaying the inevitable feelings you so perfectly described above is but delaying our progress. It can be hard to suck it up and go in and take it on the chin at times — especially if the screw-up is big. But there is also a certain respect people have for people who go in and accept responsibility for mistakes. The hide and cower method of dealing with our goof-ups only makes us look (and FEEL) a bit on the weasely side.
Thanks for the insight, Lori!
What good timing for me to read this… I’ve been involved in a few mistakes at work over the past couple of weeks (some my fault, some were errors missed by me), and I really needed to read this today… I’m struggling with feeling guilty for causing the errors or my involvement in them, and how my oversight affected others.
Thank you 🙂
Very good article indeed! But sometimes it’s not that simple to move on and to break up with the past especially when there is someone who is interested in the status quo.
I’ve been through a similar experience. I had a relationship that didn’t work out in the past. But the guy did not give up and found a way to bring back memories in order to make me forgive him but the simple truth was that I was never in love with him. I wanted to move on but people around me enjoyed too much the show and continued to play the old song. It took me a couple of years to leave these people behind and to move on. Now I’m on the right track I have a boyfriend who is caring and supportive. We created our new memories that replaced the terrible ones.
I beleive that everyone has the right to choose and to be happy even in their search of perfection!
So:
1) Did you serve it after all? Was it well received?
2) Did you get a picture? 🙂
Love this!! I so admire your ability to defy perfectionism and be vulnerable and share your struggles AS you’re struggling with them–not only from a place of recovery. I love your blogs and your site. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing. Good reminder about how we all get hung up on projections that take us out of the moment. As an aside, I discovered years ago that there’s no need to pre-boil Lasagna noodles and regular ones perform just as well…no need f/ the oven-ready kind. There’s enough moisture in the other ingredients that’ll cook the noodles just fine…much easier to cook this way. I’ve also used cottage cheese in place of Ricotta in a pinch and even my hard core Italian friends don’t notice the difference. Abbondonza!
Lori, this is so on point. I am also a compulsive-perfectionist. There are so many ways to grow and evolve; but I agree that one of the biggest ways to grow is pushing forward when something is messy (a.k.a. not perfect). It can be so easy to just start over, but it takes creativity, perseverance and to some extent, genius, to “make a way out of now way” so to speak. I learn this daily in my business and personal life. Your cooking scenario was great, because 9 times out of 10 if I mess up something in the kitchen, it can be fixed. It is the perfect example of how most situations/projects can be remedied with effort and focusing on how to fix it, instead of defeat. I’ve also learned to focus on progress instead of perfection. That mindset goes a long way.
Thanks! I really needed this right about now, as I keep getting stuck regretting not being better prepared for an upcoming performance, when there’s still time to spend in doing so!
i would so eat your ugly lasagna!
lasagna…easy to cover up mistakes…if you need an easy recipe – I am not a cook but can cook if I have to let me know : )
Lori, I’m sure everyone is wondering, like I am, how the lasagna was? Did you serve it? What’s the rest of the story? As a fellow recovering perfectionist, I know I am always my own worst critic. Which as I’ve grown more self aware I think is so ironic, as the whole purpose of perfectionism is to protect against rejection from others. Rejecting ourselves so that others don’t, quite a concept. I’m guessing the lasagna tasted better than it looked. Thank you for your writing. It’s my favorite way to start my day. Believe love imagine share smile sparkle shine (BLISSSS) to you, Kelly Wight
You’re most welcome! I really love sharing my experiences here, and I’m so glad you find them helpful!
Yes, I know that weaselly feeling well. In the past, it’s felt like an acceptable alternative to the discomfort of facing a huge mistake–but you’re right, it’s so much more empowering to accept responsibility and move forward!
It actually was pretty tasty–and far less sad looking once it was cooked!
I kind of dropped the ball with the lasagna story! It did taste a lot better than it looked, and I was so glad I went through with it. It was the simplest dish of the evening–we had a lot of great cooks as guests–but people said they enjoyed it. It’s actually quite liberating for me to do something knowing it won’t be “the best” but that I can enjoy trying and being part of something regardless.
Thank you Alicia! I would love an easy recipe. =)
Haha thanks Julie!
I’m glad there’s still time! Break a leg =) (Unless it’s not a stage performance you’re referring to, in which case I’ll say good luck!)
I love what you wrote about focusing on progress. I’ve found this is very helpful for me when my perfectionism starts to hold me back. I don’t cook very often, so I’m far from perfect, but I think I’ll do more, because it was a lot of fun!
I had actually never heard of over ready lasagna noodles. I got the recipe from my mother, and then realized I got the wrong ones. Thanks for sharing your suggestions! I know I’ll be making lasagna again some time. =)
I did serve it! We ended up with a ton of Italian dishes, since it was a potluck party, but I think people enjoyed it (despite its imperfection…) As for a picture, that would have been a great idea, but unfortunately I didn’t take one!
You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped!
It’s been hard lesson with our music that, if you screw up the song on stage, just keep going like it never happened. Because we’ve slowly learned that 90% of the audience won’t know the difference, and the other 10% will either think you did it on purpose or will forget about the problem if you don’t make a big deal of it…
I learned the same thing doing community theater growing up!