“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” -Wayne Dyer
The other day, I reached out to someone I admire, and felt disappointed by the experience. I perceived her response to be somewhat curt and even condescending, which surprised me. Based on my earnest enthusiasm and admiration—and what I thought I knew about her—I expected more.
For a minute I thought, “She’s not who I thought she was at all.”
While this was clearly a lesson in releasing expectations, it also got me thinking about (what I call) the judgment/assumption principle: when we judge someone based on one impression, and then assume that’s how and who they are—always.
I suspect we do this more than we realize.
Maybe you see an interview with a public figure, and, based on the topics discussed, assume she’s a shallow person. Or you meet a friend of a friend when he’s having a difficult day and, based on his withdrawn demeanor, assume that he’s unfriendly.
It can be tempting to judge someone by an isolated moment in time, especially if it’s a first impression and a particularly negative one.
But none of us would want to be sized up that way. We are so much more than what we may convey in any one encounter—and sometimes, we have good intentions, but they get muddled in translation.
I know I haven’t always put my best foot forward; and I’m sure I’ve also said things and sent emails that could have been interpreted as curt, even though I meant well.
None of us should have to tolerate chronically rude or inconsiderate treatment; but we may be surprised by what we learn about people when we give them the benefit of the doubt.
Today if you’re tempted to form a snap judgment based on one interaction, remember: When you judge someone by one of their worst moments, you rob yourself of the opportunity to see and appreciate their best.
Photo by spencer341b
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Pretty deep thought ~ If others are as you yourself define them, then you yourself are also nothing more than how others define you.
Our experience of others is always a reflection of what’s going on inside of us. What’s important is noticing how we feel about each incident. Why did their behavior even matter? What does it say about us that we got upset over someone else’s actions (or lack thereof)? The answers to these questions are clues that lead to chronic thoughts we have ABOUT OURSELVES that aren’t serving us. For example, if the waitress is mean to me, and it makes me feel bad, it’s probably because it triggered a belief about myself – something along the line of “If I was more worthy (or better in some way, etc), she would’ve been nicer to me. That thought feels awful, because it states that there’s something intrinsically wrong with me (I’m broken, somehow.) Then, if I begin to blame her (she’s just a nasty person that doesn’t deserve my consideration), that feels a little better. It feels better to think badly of others than to think badly of ourselves. But it doesn’t feel GOOD. Ultimately, what’s at fault is the belief that there’s something wrong with me and/or that other people’s behavior somehow reflects how worthy I am (as in, I am treated as I deserve to be treated.)
If we can get to the point where we no longer react to the behavior of others, we actually begin to elicit different behavior from them. In other words, first, you stop being disappointed by or feeling bad about their actions, and then people actually begin to act differently. Awesome stuff.
Hugs,
Melody
ahhh Melody – always trying to find a way to point the finger at ourselves. how fun is this? others make us upset and you say it’s our inner reflection. others make us angry and you say it’s our limiting belief trying to catch our attention! and in your post today – that it’s powerlessness. why can’t we just be mad at other people and know it’s their fault:) lol – your wisdom is sage-like:)
Making snap judgements is pretty much my MO, but I am learning to be more tolerant and aware.
Good post, as always and a topic that certainly merits much discussion. I recently found myself in a quick judgment situation and while I did not like the fact that I judged so harshly and quickly, my assessment was completely correct. As an empath I can read thoughts and feeling but try to turn off this aspect of myself so that I can meet people for their true self. And although I did this, I found when I looked at this person I saw a hard character due to the lines of a hard life written all over her face. Her lifestyle of alcohol and drug abuse are alien to my own but while my instantaneous judgement, my “thin-slicing” as Malcolm McDowell calls it was accurate, I jumped from judgment to compassion. I discovered that judgement is hard to control, at least for me but it is how I respond to those judgement’s that count. I had to travel with this person for a week as part of a group and while her lifestyle grated on every fiber of my nerves, my heart grew with compassion. For every action there is a reason and a reaction. While I may judge, I discovered I must also look at my judgement, own it and decide what, how and why I have that judgement and how to respond to it with a loving heart. People are who they are, human and imperfect…..they simply are.
I love this post – I just started talking about forgiveness today. And I think it’s true that we all make mistakes and we do not always put our best foot forward, We hope that people will understand and know that is not a true reflection of our character. So when someone acts in a less than optimal way towards me, I try to think of things that way. Thanks for affirming my belief! 🙂
As a trainer of customer service personnel, this is something that hits home… We often judge the person who is complaining about x or y as being that way always… We tend to want to treat them differently because of that first impression. It is always a challenge to remember that they are calling us because they trusted us with their spending dollars and now they are disappointed and need our help. When we judge them as whiners we risk losing them as clients.
This is such a good reminder. I should be old enough, wise enough, to have learned the perils of judging long ago. But I keep having to relearn them. Whatever’s feeding that need to judge is apparently coming in faster than my experience to the contrary. I won’t give up trying.
Ahahaha Vishnu. You’re so right. Sometimes it is annoying, isn’t it? I get those moments, too. Just let me blame somebody else for once! What do you think it’s like living in MY head all the time… ;oP
Thank you for your kind words.
Very nice words. The article was great but I actually learnt more from reading your comment and I have a lot to think about now. It’s possible you have just helped me be a better person, Thanks x
I have to remind myself, too, Jeffrey. In this instance, I really wanted to judge! It’s all a lifetime practice.
I’m with Crab and Vishnu. Very insightful!
Very interesting to see this from a business perspective. I think we always risk losing something when we judge–it’s that we’re often unaware of what we’re losing.
You’re most welcome, and thanks for letting us know you can relate!
Thanks Lori, this one really hit home for me. Good way to start off my day with this reminder.
You are most welcome, Marcia!
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