“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” –Mark Twain
I currently have three inch dark blond roots growing into my golden hair because I’ve decided to go natural after a decade of consistent coloring.
I’m wearing large pink flower earrings that make me smile, even though they don’t really go with the yoga pants and tie-dyed hoodie I also felt like wearing.
I’m viewing my laptop through slightly crooked glassed because I sat on them two weeks ago, but they’re still functional, and I’d rather spend my money on new initiatives for this site.
In the past, I would never have gone out if I didn’t think I looked perfectly together. I cared far too much about other people’s perceptions for that.
This goes back to elementary school when my 4th grade teacher frequently made me stand in front of the class while he described my dress and called me “Miss Prim and Proper.”
My perfect image imploded in high school, when I started playing with goth and grunge, but even that was a ploy for acceptance.
I would like to say I’ve evolved beyond concerns of what other people think, but the reality is I still care—I just know now that I am happiest when I focus on what makes me feel good, regardless of how it looks.
Earlier this week I wrote a post about our need to receive and accept praise; which begs the question: what’s the difference between needing appreciation and seeking approval?
I suspect it comes down to intention. A healthy need for appreciation comes from the desire to be loved by others. An unhealthy need for approval comes from the desire to compensate for the love we’re not giving ourselves.
It might not be possible to completely stop caring about what other people think, and that might not be a bad thing. Because we care, we look out for others and consider their feelings before we act. But it is possible to honor our own needs and values above appearances and public perception.
It’s possible to take the road less traveled, even if it others might judge. To do what we think is right, even if others might disagree. And if you’re like me, to wear those crooked glasses, knowing what’s most important is not how it looks, but how we see ourselves and what we do as a result.
Photo by nickyfern
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for your post this morning. I am also starting this journey of not seeking unhealthy approval. I also dabbled in goth in high school as well. 🙂 It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done as I was always 100% put together as well. From one died blonde to another, we can do this!
Hi Lori.
Thanks once again for the reminder. I’m 61 years old now and I find myself in the morning sometimes scrutinizing and critical, often at odds with the wrinkles and bags under my eyes, wondering who “is” that old lady looking back at me? Thankfully I’ve come to start seeing that she’s okay and has the ability to approach each new day with something to offer to herself and others and a basic knowing that she has worth and is worthy. It’s not about who I see in that mirror, it’s about who I am. Finding out a little each day about who I am is a ongoing process which makes life interesting. Knowing it serves me well to accept myself, the inner self and outer self brings me comfort. I’m okay just the way I am (of course with much room for improvement).
Sal
I too sat on my glasses a few times. But, you can fix them! By carefully bending them, with full attention, and seeing which bend can make them straight again.
I enjoyed this post as I too am on the same path. It seems our mind tries to carry us away with subtle unapproving thoughts, but then we just realize that it’s just us needing to accept ourselves.
Lori, sounds like you’re growing more comfortable in your own skin and are focused on the internal gems not the external shell. Good for you. You inspire me every day.
Love it, as usual Lori! Thanks for the inspiration to keep looking deeper inside myself.
Please help me with this…
When I read that article about the need to accept and receive praise, that one question was the same one that resonated with me as well. Not because of myself, but because of a few of my close family members that are always seeking approval for how they look and never accept the compliment. The one that really concerns me is my 12 yr old cousin I live with. On one hand I know she knows she is beautiful, but on the other hand she acts like she ready doesn’t trust that feeling. I really don’t know how to help teach her to believe in herself. She sees my example and admires it. I don’t know how else to help without giving into her seeking while at the same time not making her feel bad.
I am seeking advice from anyone who can offer any, and thank you ahead of time in case I am not able to read it right away.
Namaste, Jacquellyn
By the way, I am 40 and it is my cousin and her family that I live with so I am not her mom, just another adult woman that she is close to and trusts.
Jacquellyn
Rytis, I love how you put that. It’s like life gives us an ongoing reminder as we get older that we still always need to love ourselves.
As to the glasses, I also find that if you run them under hot water first they bend easier. 😉
Jacquellyn
Wonderful Lori.
Wow, im not the only one who is going through the blond transition.. thought i was before reading this post. for some reason a couple of months ago i decided that i dont want to dye my hair anymore, actually i planned to dye it black, but wherever i go people stop me and tell me how beautiful my hair is. Makes me think do i want to lose that kind of admiration? so i decided not to dye my hair black. But l Iook at how much black growth there is and wonder what to do…feel like at this point i just dont know what to do. i think im just gonna let the black grow… i dont know…
Nhlanhla, 27yrs
She is lucky to have you in her life, and your care for her will transpire. External validation for how we look, is addictive. I believe that when we are seeking it and are not believing it when we get the validation, it’s because we don’t THINK we are beautiful, in the TRUE essence of the word, such as seeing beauty as an inside out job….
Teach her about inner beauty and how to cultivate the TRUENESS of beauty lying in how you are as oppose to how you look
Namaste
Thank YOU for such generosity Lori. I am a FAN and reading you always adds meaning to my moment
Jacquellyn, I agree with what Faye said. Teach your cousin about her inner beauty, and letting her true essence shine out. I believe once that is done, you are beautiful to all, and to yourself, regardless of your physical appearance. We all age in our external appearance, but those who learn to shine their inner essence always let their beauty shine through, even in old age. The trick is not to get caught on to your external appearance, and firstly accept fully how you are. Then everything becomes easy, and you will notice your true beauty, and others will. Once again it’s the mind that begins playing tricks on us, and telling us things. To help with that, I would recommend that you let your cousin read or listen to some of Eckhart Tolle’s work. In one of his materials he talks about exactly that, on letting your inner essence shine out.
Oh and thanks for the tip!
i just wear clothes. i shop at thrift shops, my choice is usually denim. my clothes are clean. i am happy. that’s all that’s important.
Thank you both Faye and Rytis.
I have lived my life caring more about my inner beauty rather than outer. I admit of course in younger years as a kid there was always a certain amount of dealing with the outer, sometimes I hid from it because so many told me I was beautiful and being shy I didn’t want the attention. Then of course the different periods of being a teenager and going from wanting to wear what was fashionable to the goth punk stage which actually being an artist felt natural and it was then that I never really worried too much about outer beauty any more. That followed me for the rest of my life on inner beauty and compassion. Thank you for the encouragement and I do love Tolle.
Thanks for sharing this Sal. Just beautiful. =) I think that’s one of the most wonderful parts of life–that there’s always more to discover about the world, and about ourselves
You are most welcome. =)
Thanks so much Brenda! I definitely feel that I get a little more comfortable in my skin with each passing year. It makes me appreciate the aging process in a way I never thought I would, when I first started buying those hair dye boxes!
Thanks Rytis! I’ve bended them mostly into shape. One side just sits slightly higher than the other. I think I’ll eventually get contacts. I’ve been holding out because I’m not a fan of putting my finger in my eyes.
I’m glad you enjoyed this post. =)
You’re most welcome Samantha! Approval can be so addictive. That’s something I know all too well. I love what you wrote at the end–thanks for making me smile!
Wow thank you Faye. I’m so glad my writing makes a difference for you. =)
You know it’s funny you should mention you have naturally black hair. I always wanted black hair when I was younger (the grass is always greener, as they say…) Truthfully, I really love my golden blond color, but it feels like such a hassle to keep up with it. It’s the same reason I didn’t last very long with those acrylic nails that I love on other people. I feel this strong need to be low maintenance because it just makes life so much easier.
Thanks Tony. =)
Hi Jacquellyn,
I read this comment strand and thought I’d jump in. I love what Faye and Rytis wrote.
I remember when I was an insecure 12 year old, constantly obsessing about my looks. I know now that really I just didn’t understand my worth. I thought I needed validation for my appearance in order to feel good about myself. 12 is such a hard age–girls and particular can be really cruel and competitive in junior high. That might have something to do with it.
I think it would really help to remind her of all the things about her that are beautiful that have nothing to do with her looks. I don’t remember hearing that word as it pertains to non-physical things as a kid, and I thought it would have made a big difference.
Lori
Ha ha I’m in the exact same situation =) My utmost desire is to heal my eyes naturally, to restore my perfect vision. Just how they use to do it before using exercises for the eyes, and resting techniques. But I spend way too much time with computers. It would be so nice to balance those two out, and let the eyes heal.
So true Lori. I agree that it isn’t necessary to let go completely what others think of us but their perception doesn’t have to rule our lives either.