Tiny Buddha

Category: Mistakes

  • Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

    Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

    “Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” -Lama Yeshe

    All too often we’re unforgiving and cruel to ourselves in a way we’d never treat our friends.

    We’d never look a friend in the eyes and tell her she’s not good enough. We’d never beat a friend up over one mistake he made years ago. We’d never expect a friend to move mountains when she’s exhausted and clearly needs a rest.

    Why do we sometimes do these things to ourselves?

    So often when we think about self-love, we think about the big picture—forgiving ourselves for past mistakes and accepting ourselves, imperfections and all.

    But in much the same way we show love in relationships through tiny acts of appreciation and consideration, we can love ourselves through small, maybe even random acts of kindness.

    For me, that means allowing myself to relax if I need to, even if I feel like I should be productive. It means treating myself to a nice lunch every now and then, even if I feel I should save money. It means responding to negative thoughts in my head with the same uplifting advice I’d give my sister.

    Sometimes it also means seeing in the mirror that little girl who I used to be—the little girl who always did her best and wanted nothing more than to have someone hug her and tell her it was good enough. It’s my job to do that now.

    It’s all of our jobs.

    Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.

    All the goodness you put out into the world starts with how you treat yourself.

    Photo by AlicePopkorn

  • Tiny Wisdom: Our Mistakes May as Well Be Our Own

    Tiny Wisdom: Our Mistakes May as Well Be Our Own

    “Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.”  -Billy Wilder

    A few months ago, when I was creating my book marketing plan, an associate advised me to allocate resources to something that I felt certain was not a smart idea. He offered a detailed explanation for why I should do it, but I felt strongly that it wasn’t necessary.

    I eventually did as he recommended because he was adamant that I should. Essentially, I decided his instincts were smarter than mine—even though this was new territory for both of us—and simply followed his instructions.

    Sure enough, this investment yielded practically no return, and at first, I felt angry toward him. Why was he so persuasive, I wondered, and why didn’t he offer me additional guidance so that it didn’t end up being a complete waste of money?

    I realized then that I was trying to hold him responsible, when the reality is that I am the only person with the power to follow my instincts and make my choices.

    There are always going to be people who think they know what’s best for us—and many times, they will be well-intentioned.

    There will be family members who think they know which career paths we should pursue. There will be friends who think they know when we should walk away from our relationships. It always seems so clear from the outside, but the reality is no one knows what the future holds and where our choices will lead us—including us.

    No one can know that walking away from one job will ultimately lead to something better. No one can know that ending a relationship will prove wiser than spending time trying to work things out. And no one can change that there is an element of risk in every decision.

    We can either take our risks based on other people’s instincts; or we can take responsibility for out path into uncertainty.

    We can only ever know what feels right for us in a moment—not whether or not it’s the right or wrong choice to create our desired outcome. This means we need to dare to own our decisions.

    We can best navigate twists and turns when we’re fully in the driver’s seat—but in order to do that, we need we have the strength and courage to steer.

    Photo by sharrattsam

  • Tiny Wisdom: All the Fun You Missed

    Tiny Wisdom: All the Fun You Missed

    “Don’t let the past hold you back; you’re missing the good stuff.” -Unknown

    There have been times when I’ve regretted that I missed out on so much when I was younger.

    Because I held onto pain so tightly, I missed out on countless opportunities for fun while sitting alone and feeling bad for myself.

    Because I felt so insecure for so long, I missed out on the chance to make strong friendships while shutting down and assuming people would hurt me.

    And because I was afraid of failing, I missed out on all kinds of professional opportunities while doing what felt easy and safe.

    Now, in my early 30s, it’s tempting to look back and feel bad for squandering those years when I was so full of potential. Then I remember: I still am.

    The other night, I attended a family function with many of the amazing, interesting people who I didn’t fully appreciate when I was caught up in my personal dramas. I planned to leave early because I was somewhat tired, but I ended up dancing until the last song with my big fat Italian family.

    I remember looking around at my cousins, ranging in age from 11 to 35, my aunt in her 50s, and friends of all ages in between, and recognizing that we were all the same on the dance floor.

    We were all losing ourselves in the music, likely thinking about nothing, simply choosing to be together and move. It was almost as if in that moment, we were ageless. What had come or what was coming didn’t matter right then.

    All that mattered was that we all had the same choice to make: sit it out, or dance (yes, like in the song).

    That’s the choice we’re faced with every day.

    We can focus on the fun things we could have done but didn’t, or we can do something fun right now.

    We can dwell on the mistakes we made in past relationships, or we can focus on enjoying the relationships we’re in right now.

    We can think about all the opportunities we missed out on, or we can focus on embracing possibilities right now.

    There will always be something we didn’t do yesterday, but we get to choose right now how yesterday looks when we get to tomorrow. Right now, whatever age we are, this is our chance to live.

  • Tiny Wisdom: The Gains in Our Losses

    Tiny Wisdom: The Gains in Our Losses

    “If you learn from a loss you have not lost.” –Austin O’Malley

    Earlier this year I spent dozens of hours and nearly $1,000 on a new feature for this site. Due to some misunderstandings between me, the programmer, and the designer, things didn’t turn out quite how I intended.

    Ultimately, I decided to cut my losses and focus my attention somewhere else. I knew I might revisit this feature down the road, but that would require more time and money, and at first that bothered me.

    I finance the site independently, and I’m not rolling in cash, so it felt like I’d just thrown away resources that I could have used somewhere else.

    It was tempting to dwell on mistakes I had made, and harp on the mistakes that weren’t mine.

    Eventually I realized absolutely nothing good would come from that line of thought—but something good could come from the loss itself. It might not have been the best investment for the site, but it was a solid investment in my education.

    I learned about clarifying my vision upfront, and communicating it to a team. I learned about expressing expectations clearly, and ascertaining that it’s possible to meet them. I also learned a lot about the tech side of things that I previously didn’t know.

    Framed from that perspective, suddenly it didn’t seem like a total loss. If we’re honest with ourselves, I suspect we’ll realize that very few losses are.

    If you lose a relationship you value, you could ascertain that you lost your chance at happiness—or you could decide to learn from that experience to open up to an even healthier relationship in the future.

    If you lose a job you enjoyed, you could decide that you’ll never know that satisfaction again—or you could appreciate the opportunity to start a new adventure with the knowledge and wisdom you gained from your last.

    If, like me, you lose money through an investment that didn’t pan out, you could feel indignant and bitter—or you could learn to make smarter investments in the future so that one short-term loss can ultimately lead to long-term gain.

    From jobs to loves to dreams to hopes, we’ll inevitably lose things we treasure in life. Whether or not we gain something through each experience is entirely up to us.

    Photo by brewbooks

  • Tiny Wisdom: Moving Forward After a Mistake

    Tiny Wisdom: Moving Forward After a Mistake

    “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” -James Joyce

    When you were little, did you ever rip up a picture you’d worked really hard on just because you colored a little out of the lines?

    I was that girl; and I had a similar experience this weekend.

    I decided to make lasagna for this potluck party my boyfriend and I were going to host. I don’t cook often, so this felt like a big deal. I got all the ingredients the night before, stacked them on the counter, and then admired them. They were the pieces of my saucy masterpiece to be.

    The next day, I realized I’d made several mistakes, including buying the wrong type of noodles and failing to buy a bowl large enough for the massive cheese concoction.

    Since oven-ready lasagna noodles don’t break easily, I went through an entire box trying to perfectly fill in all the gaps in the pan. When my lasagna ended up looking like the food equivalent of Charlie Brown’s sad Christmas tree, I seriously considered tossing it out, even though there wasn’t time to buy ingredients for another.

    I decided instead to push through my perfectionist instincts because this has been a pattern in my life: start something and quit if I think I’ve messed it up.

    Last week I wrote about the beauty of starting over, but as with everything in life, it’s not universally applicable. Sometimes we need to start fresh, but sometimes we need to keep going, through the messiness and imperfection. I haven’t always done this well.

    When I’ve made huge mistakes with friends, I’ve wanted to hide or bail. When I’ve messed up royally with jobs, I’ve wanted to call in sick or quit.

    It can feel vulnerable to be present in a situation where you feel you’re struggling or not showing yourself in the best light, but this is how we grow: by stretching ourselves through discomfort instead of shutting down.

    This is how we get closer to others, closer to our dreams, and closer to the people who we want to be. It’s how we learn about ourselves and identify areas for improvement.

    Things are going to feel messy and imperfect lots of times in life. We can either resist that and run whenever things feel out of control, or lean into the mistakes and learn from every one.

    Photo by renaissanechambara

  • Tiny Wisdom: Dealing with Public Criticism

    Tiny Wisdom: Dealing with Public Criticism

    “Do not look for approval except for the consciousness of doing your best.” -Andrew Carnegie

    I used to follow a popular blog ran by a woman who’d lost a lot of weight and wrote about maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

    One day, she saw a teenager smoking a cigarette on the street. She decided to walk up to him and let him know this was dumb—and then she blogged about it.

    Her followers unanimously agreed it was judgmental and righteous to harshly criticize someone who didn’t ask for her opinion, especially since she had no way of knowing if he might have been trying to quit. Dozens of people chimed in, many suggesting they no longer respected her and may even stop reading her blog.

    I could understand her reaction to seeing a young person smoking, and I could understand their perspective that it was unnecessary to call him out.

    What interested me the most was the next day’s post. She apologized to her readers for not being more sensitive to the teenager—as if she somehow owed them something for her reaction to him.

    I empathized with her, because there have been many times when I’ve felt judged by a group, and felt a need to restore their respect for me.

    I’m not suggesting she didn’t actually regret what she did; as I’m sure she seriously considered everything people wrote. But I imagined she also felt a lot of pressure to defend her good nature after receiving so much criticism in a public forum.

    We’re all living increasingly public lives, with audiences on various social media platforms, and negative commentary just a Google search away, if your work in any way opens you to personal or professional review.

    When an attack suddenly seems public, we can easily lose track of what we genuinely want to learn from the experience while trying to minimize the embarrassment and any damage to our reputations.

    The wider our reach, the more we open ourselves to criticism. It always benefits us to consider helpful feedback, but it’s easy to grow dependent on mass approval when we focus on pleasing everyone and avoiding judgment.

    The reality is people will always judge. It’s exhausting to try to control public perception, but we can do our best to create our reputations by acting with honesty, integrity, and a genuine commitment to growth.

    Photo by Wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: When You Fear Making Mistakes

    Tiny Wisdom: When You Fear Making Mistakes

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard

    The other day I read that most of our fears can be boiled down to a fear of inadequacy, and, consequently, rejection. I know this is true for me.

    When I feel a sense of panic about the potential to fail, it’s really more about being seen as a failure. When I make mistakes without witnesses, assuming the mistakes don’t cause me immense discomfort, I generally rebound fairly quickly. It’s almost like a tree falling the wrong way in the woods–if no one sees it, did it even happen at all?

    I suspect this is true for most of us. A stumble that no one saw isn’t nearly as mortifying as a stumble with an audience.

    When you factor in assumptions about other people’s judgment, suddenly a mistake seems like more than a poor decision; it seems like an admission of weakness. It seems less about our choice in a moment and more about our character on the whole.

    But there’s something ironic about fearing judgment for being fallible, since this is something we all have in common. If we can just embrace our vulnerability and accept that our mistakes don’t define us, they can lead to a greater sense of meaning and connection.

    Most of the purpose-driven people I’ve met feel motivated by the need to help people with struggles they’ve already faced. Because we err and hurt, we can feel for other people and do our part to help ease their pain. And because we know we’re fallible, we learn to be humble, which helps us appreciate and forgive.

    There’s no denying that there are some mistakes that we wouldn’t make if we could re-live those moments. But the reality is that’s never an option. All we can ever do is make the smartest, bravest choice based on what we know in this moment.

    The bravest choice is to do what we really want to do, regardless of who might see and form opinions. It might not always feel comfortable to risk being seen as inadequate, but the alternative is to risk feeling partially alive.


    Photo by Wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: On the Joy of Mistakes

    Tiny Wisdom: On the Joy of Mistakes

    “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” -Einstein

    Sometimes it’s more effective to track your progress in mistakes than it is to track it with successes.

    There are days when I have tons of mini-victories, but they’re all things I have done before and knew I could do well. So while I may feel good about those accomplishments and they may propel me toward my goals, they have a minimal impact in terms of my long-term growth.

    There are other days when I do things I’ve never done before, struggle, and in the process identify areas when I can learn and improve. This can sometimes feel uncomfortable and frustrating, but ultimately it sets the stage for increased possibilities.

    You’ve probably been in both spots many times before. Some days you exceed doing things you know well, and other days you realize just how much you don’t yet know. That can be terrifying if you judge yourself with every mistake, as if it’s a reflection on your character or potential.

    What if your mistakes were a reflection on your character and potential–but instead a positive one? What if they suggested not that you’re someone who is failing, but rather that you’re someone who understands that short-term discomfort is crucial for long-term growth?

    Today if you feel limited by the fear of making a mistake, remind yourself: This is part of the process, and you will ultimately feel happier with yourself if you find the courage to stick with it.

    Photo by Eddie’s Currents

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Creating

    Tiny Wisdom: On Creating

    “Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.” -Mary Lou Cook

    To be fully alive is to always be creating, whether it’s love, joy, connection, purpose, passion, or possibilities. What are you creating today?

    Photo by gfpeck

  • Tiny Wisdom: On What Matters

    Tiny Wisdom: On What Matters

    “What matters is the value we’ve created in our lives, the people we’ve made happy and how much we’ve grown as people.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    We spend so much of our lives looking for meaning—a sense that it all makes sense or will in the end—that we sometimes drive ourselves crazy trying to make the moment good enough. To do the right work, have the right relationships, make the right decisions, make the right impact so hopefully our lives will matter. We’ll matter.

    All that struggling, striving, and racing toward something better can make the moment feel like something to escape instead of something to celebrate.

    This moment is all we’re guaranteed. Don’t fill it worrying about being better or doing more in the world. Even if you spend today creating a tomorrow you visualize, go through it knowing you create a lot of value and happiness, just as you are. You might be amazed by how much you can accomplish when you’re satisfied with the present, exactly as it is.

    Photo by xiffy