Category: Fear

Tiny Wisdom: Fear Is a Challenge to Be Brave

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” -Nelson Mandela

Yesterday, after months of anticipation that included procuring pre-existing condition health insurance and finding the right doctor, I finally met with a physician who will soon schedule me for surgery.

Though I’ve had procedures before, this will be my first major operation.

Starting when I was 18, I got my belly button pierced on three separate occasions only to take it out shortly after each time. I loved the idea of it, but I felt a little nauseous when I thought about having a metal ring inside my stomach.

It didn’t belong there; it was a foreign object, much like surgical instruments. What also don’t belong there are the grapefruit- and plum-sized fibroids (benign tumors) growing inside my uterus wall.

Though they don’t pose a major risk to my health, they cause me a lot of discomfort. I would have let them saw me in half, like a magician’s assistant in a box, if it meant getting these things out.

And yet I am completely terrified.

I am terrified of having someone cut into one of my organs. I’m terrified of going under general anesthesia. I’m terrified of anything that could go wrong—including complications that might compromise my fertility or the possibility of contracting some kind of hospital infection.

I am scared, and it feels liberating to simply admit it.

It’s not something I need anyone to fix or take away. It’s not the result of ignorance, soon to be soothed by statistics and additional information. It’s not something I need to run from, hide, or transform into something more positive. It just is.

Author Susan Jeffers wrote, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” But sometimes there’s nothing we can do but wait.

Whether you’re six weeks away from surgery, or six months away from losing your home, or six years away from your children leaving your house, the future contains limitless possibilities for challenges—some we can anticipate and others we don’t yet know to predict.

Sometimes it serves us to transform our fear into something productive, when it comes to pushing beyond our comfort zone, for example.

But sometimes the most useful thing we can do is sit with fear—to acknowledge it, humble ourselves before it, and then accept its challenge to be brave in each moment, as it comes.

Photo by clayirving

February 16, 2012
Tiny Wisdom: Your Feelings Are Real and Valid

“Feelings are real and legitimate.” -Unknown

One of the most frustrating things in the world is feeling something painful and having other people tell you that you shouldn’t be upset.

That it’s no big deal that relationship didn’t work out, or that opportunity didn’t pan out—that it’s all in your head, so you should let it go, suck it up, and move on.

A while back, a friend of mine got fired from a new job after her first day. We were out in a group when she got the call, and several of us watched her emotions slowly build to gut-wrenching tears.

Naturally, everyone wanted to console her, but that quickly turned into a rapid fire succession of reminders that it really was no big deal—no one died—and she shouldn’t feel so crushed.

I understand it can be helpful to put things in perspective, and I know there were good intentions behind those words, but I found myself wondering if it ever helps to tell someone that they should be feeling something else.

No matter what someone else thinks about our circumstances and how we should respond, our feelings are not imagined.

If you’re mourning a loss of any kind, you don’t have to pretend you’re not hurt. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’re missing the way things were, you don’t have to pretend you’re not sad. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’ve been betrayed, disrespected, or violated in any way, you don’t have to pretend you’re not angry. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

We are only human, and we are going to have times when we feel wounded, sometimes over events that would challenge anyone’s sense of composure, and sometimes over things that may seem insignificant to everyone but us.

In those moments, we may feel an overwhelming surge of emotion without really knowing the words to express it. Maybe the key is to simply feel it, without stressing about whether that’s right or wrong, and then give ourselves some time to understand what’s going on in our heads and our hearts.

We can either judge our emotions, telling ourselves we should be stronger, or accept them for what they are, and then allow ourselves space to recognize what we can think and do to feel stronger.

Photo by The Wandering Angel

February 8, 2012
Tiny Wisdom: The Fear of Spending Too Much Money

“The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.” –Benjamin Franklin

I just came back from the dentist where I learned I need $1,400 worth of dental work, and it’s largely because I failed to make a $100 investment last year.

My former dentist had informed me my teeth were worn down from me grinding them in my sleep. She’d suggested I purchase a customized mouth guard, which would run from $100–500, depending on the quality.

I decided to spend $30 at CVS instead, because I enjoy spending as little as possible and, as a result, I often finds ways to cut corners. It’s not because I don’t have money; it’s just because I prefer saving it.

Ultimately, wearing this ill-fitting mouth guard turned out to be an expensive decision, because it kept my mouth slightly open, which dried it out each night—and saliva is something that prevents tooth decay and protects us from cavities, of which I now have eight.

Have you ever decided to go with the lowest cost contractor—maybe for work on your house or your website—only to find you got what you paid for?

Have you ever opted to go without health insurance because you assumed you wouldn’t need it, only to find that health is fragile?

Have you ever bought the cheapest possible furniture, only to realize spending just a little more would have made a big difference in your enjoyment of your space?

Or how about this: Have you ever talked yourself out of a dream because it would require a financial risk?

These are all things I have done—sometimes to save a little, and other times to save a lot.

It seems contrary to conventional wisdom to suggest that not spending can be an emotional decision, but it can be exactly that—a choice to skimp on something necessary or useful in fear there won’t be enough down the road.

This scarcity mindset can prevent us from rationally weighing the options when a moderate expense now can prevent a major one later—or even make us money in the long run.

If you’re someone who spends freely without fear, this lesson may not resonate with you, but for those who can relate: less is not always more.

Sometimes we need to invest in ourselves or our future. As long as we’re not spending recklessly, we can trust this truly is the wisest choice.

Photo by sherrattsam

January 4, 2012
Tiny Wisdom: Stop Thinking and Get Moving

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it” -David Starr Jordan

Have you ever felt so frustrated with your inability to do something that you committed to doing nothing else until you figured it out?

I have done this many times before.

I’ve confined myself to a chair, trying to force inspiration to form into written words when it just wasn’t happening. I have sat around intellectualizing about which decision I should make—as if the act of thinking really hard for hours on end would somehow make it easier to accept that the future is uncertain, and nothing is guaranteed.

Essentially, I’ve many times chosen to put pressure on myself to do something really well, and effectively ended up doing nothing. Now, by “doing nothing,” I’m not talking about meditating to find clarity in stillness and silence. I’m talking about doing nothing physically, while exhausting myself mentally.

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you’ve also pushed yourself because you felt impatient with your process, creative or otherwise. Or maybe you’ve felt so paralyzed by things you can’t control that you’ve sat around trying to think your way around them.

There’s nothing wrong with using our capacity for reasoning—in fact, it’s a smart plan, on the whole. But generally, we form our best insights and strongest ideas when we release the mental pressure and engage ourselves in the world, in mind and body.

I know I generally feel most inspired when I actively choose to get out of my head and let ideas come to me, as a natural byproduct of connecting with the world—whether that means hiking, practicing yoga, or simply being with friends.

I have found that for every wise saying, there is an opposite one that is equally true. Sometimes we need to let go; sometimes we need to hold on. Sometimes we need to be patient; sometimes we need to push forward. Sometimes we need to be still; sometimes we need to get moving.

Wisdom is recognizing which is true for us individually in each moment.

Is it time for you to get moving?

Photo by Atsuhiko Tagagi

September 28, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: When You Fear Making Mistakes

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard

The other day I read that most of our fears can be boiled down to a fear of inadequacy, and, consequently, rejection. I know this is true for me.

When I feel a sense of panic about the potential to fail, it’s really more about being seen as a failure. When I make mistakes without witnesses, assuming the mistakes don’t cause me immense discomfort, I generally rebound fairly quickly. It’s almost like a tree falling the wrong way in the woods–if no one sees it, did it even happen at all?

I suspect this is true for most of us. A stumble that no one saw isn’t nearly as mortifying as a stumble with an audience.

When you factor in assumptions about other people’s judgment, suddenly a mistake seems like more than a poor decision; it seems like an admission of weakness. It seems less about our choice in a moment and more about our character on the whole.

But there’s something ironic about fearing judgment for being fallible, since this is something we all have in common. If we can just embrace our vulnerability and accept that our mistakes don’t define us, they can lead to a greater sense of meaning and connection.

Most of the purpose-driven people I’ve met feel motivated by the need to help people with struggles they’ve already faced. Because we err and hurt, we can feel for other people and do our part to help ease their pain. And because we know we’re fallible, we learn to be humble, which helps us appreciate and forgive.

There’s no denying that there are some mistakes that we wouldn’t make if we could re-live those moments. But the reality is that’s never an option. All we can ever do is make the smartest, bravest choice based on what we know in this moment.

The bravest choice is to do what we really want to do, regardless of who might see and form opinions. It might not always feel comfortable to risk being seen as inadequate, but the alternative is to risk feeling partially alive.

Photo by Wonderlane

September 21, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: What Fear Really Means

“Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” -Unknown

Sometimes we feel certain that we know exactly what we’re seeing. If you’re anything like me, odds are you’ve had plenty of opportunities to recognize your perception is often off.

A friend of mine once told me a story about a near-confrontation in the subway. She saw another woman dressed in what one might call Gothic clothing. Although my friend’s look was more conservative, she loved the other woman’s funky-looking shirt.

Unintentionally, she stared at it for a while, admiring the unique cut and wondering if she could pull that look off. When they both got off the train, the other woman confronted her, yelling “What you looking at?”

She assumed my friend was judging her, and then her fear turned into anger–completely misguided, aggressive anger. She looked incredulous when my friend told her she admired her shirt, but it was exactly what she’d been thinking.

There’s a primal part of us that instinctively feels scared when we believe we recognize a threat. If we’re not self-aware, and if we don’t learn to challenge ourselves, that fear can manifest in all kinds of limiting emotions and actions.

It can keep us from getting to know people who could be kindred spirits, despite an appearance that might suggest otherwise. It can prevent us from taking smart risks that could help us reach our dreams. It can even bind us in depression and anxiety, convincing us the world is full of suffering, when oftentimes, our interpretations create it.

Of course there’s another side to this coin: sometimes evidence is real. Sometimes the person staring at you legitimately is judging you. Sometimes the things we fear might happen will. But most times we’ll recognize that the worst that could possibly happen isn’t really that bad. Most of the “threats” we face are really just inconvenient or unideal.

Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities.

Photo by Akuppa

August 21, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Showing Your True Feelings

“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” -Benjamin Disraeli

As I’ve been preparing my presentation for the Wanderlust Yoga and Music Festival, I’ve been watching a lot of powerful speeches related to my topics of authenticity and connection. I found my way to Dr. Brené Brown, who researches vulnerability.

In her inspiring talk, Brené explains how shame can be one of the biggest barriers to connection. If you believe there is something wrong with you—that you are somehow unworthy—you may hide who you are in fear of being judged and rejected.

This is why I spent most of my early and mid-20s completely isolated. Because I felt overwhelming shame for mistakes I’d made, and I believed that they defined me, I chose to fester in a prison of my own making to avoid people’s judgment.

Though I have now joined the land of the social, there are still times when I think my true feelings are an admission of weakness. I get a lot of emails from readers who seem to feel the same way—that they shouldn’t be feeling angry, or frustrated, or hurt, or whatever. They think they should be stronger or more evolved than that.

This only exacerbates the pain because you pile guilt on top of the initial feeling.

There is no shame in having emotions. And as Brené points out, it’s nearly impossible to numb the uncomfortable ones without also diluting the positive.

If we want to know joy, elation, excitement, and everything else that makes life worth living, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the full range of emotions. And if we want to connect with each other, we need to accept and love ourselves in every moment, even when our truth feels heavy.

Today if you start judging what you’re feeling, remind yourself: Everyone deals with difficult feelings. What separates us is what we do with them.

June 16, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Risks and Rewards

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” -H. Jackson Browne

It’s safe. Familiar. Comfortable. Effortless. It doesn’t make waves. It’s what other people think you should do. You’re less likely to fail. Less likely to feel vulnerable. Less likely to question if it was worth the risk.

Whether you realize it now or not, it is. We tend to regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did.

On my first date with my boyfriend, I told him over dinner that I’d always wanted to go skydiving, even though I was afraid of heights. And I meant it–someday. As in someday far away, in a time when it suddenly seemed less terrifying. Someday came far quicker than I’d planned.

He told me that if I wanted to see him again, I’d have to jump out of a plane. So he took me skydiving on our second date. For days before, I considered backing out, especially after I tweeted about it and someone linked me to skydiving fatalities. Although I knew it would likely be safe, I was afraid of the inherent risk.

What pushed me through was the realization that I said I wanted to do it because I did. So I took it one moment at a time. I focused first on just getting in the car–that was all I had to do. Then next on going into the building. Then next on boarding the plane. Then next on jumping out.

What I didn’t plan was the last step–feeling more alive than I ever had before.

I took the risk one simple action step at a time, and though it didn’t completely take away the fear, it certainly pushed me through it. It was absolutely worth it. Nothing is more satisfying than actually doing what you’ve always said you wanted to do.

Get unsafe. Less familiar. Uncomfortable. Difficult. Make waves. Define expectations. Risk failing. Feel vulnerable. Be bold and courageous. No matter where it takes you, leaving your comfort zone–learning, growing, feeling alive–is always worth the risk.

Photo by magical-world

June 15, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Conflict

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” -Unknown

There are some days when I want everything to stop.

I want the calls to stop, the emails to stop, the requests to stop, the expectations to stop, the confrontations to stop, and the struggles to stop. Essentially, I want everything to feel quiet and easy.

Then I realize that if everything stopped, life would be boring, uneventful, and static.

If everything stopped, I wouldn’t have any opportunities to create, grow, learn from other people, or share what I’ve learned with them. Life would not be peaceful–life just wouldn’t be happening.

What I really want on those chaotic days isn’t for the world to stop. I just want to stop seeing the world as a million fires I need to put out. I want to stop interpreting everything as a conflict or crisis. I want to stop living life in a constant state of reaction, and instead focus on the actions that matter to me.

I suspect that’s what we all want: the ability to nurture a sense of peace that doesn’t crumble every time our circumstances get challenging.

The truth is we can access that on any day we choose to. We just need to choose–and then keep choosing instead of responding with stress, fear, and angst.

Today if your world seems less than peaceful, remind yourself: I can deal with whatever happens outside me. It starts by taking responsibility for what happens inside.

Photo by mahalaie

April 21, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Living

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” -Eckhart Tolle

You might not think to compare beloved children’s writer Dr. Seuss to spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, but there’s a common message about happiness in both their works: We can only experience joy through action in the now, not by waiting to get it some day, when everything works out and makes sense.

From Seuss’ Oh the Places You Will Go:

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

He then writes: No! That’s not for you!

But I’m going to alter that slightly since we’re all adults now. That very well might be you. I know that it’s been me. I’ve waited for the right time to make a change, the ideal time to tell someone how I feel, the safest time to try something new, and the easiest time to take care of myself.

The only problem is that it rarely feels right, ideal, safe, or easy. Those words are merely excuses to let the moment slip away. And it does. Over and over again until they have run out.

This moment is a chance to do something differently, no matter how small it may seem. Every big change starts with one small choice.

The best way to stop waiting and start living is to decide that life happens now, and to ask yourself: If you knew time was running out, what would you stop waiting to do?

Photo by scion_cho

April 6, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Fear-Based Decisions

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

Sometimes I look at people who appear to be confident, successful, and happy and imagine that they always feel that way—that they never feel insecure or afraid, and they always operate from a place of trusting love.

Then I remember that every person who has a pulse deals with human emotions. What confident, successful, happy people have going for them is that they feel fears, but they make decisions from a place underneath them.

They push through discomfort, fully aware that it’s impermanent, and in the process learn, grow, and expand. They realize that whatever happened in the past is over, and what happens is the future is dependent on their willingness to act now.

Some days I let my fear control me, feeling sure I know what bad thing is coming and determined to prevent it. On other days I remember that I am shaping the future, and I can create it in love or fear, but not both. Which do you choose today?

Photo by jennratonmort

March 27, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Being Aware

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber

When you focus your attention on what’s in front of you, yesterday’s problems feel a lot less catastrophic and tomorrow’s uncertainty seems a lot less scary.

It’s not easy to live in the now because obsessing over yesterday and stressing about tomorrow can seem like gaining control. If only you can analyze yesterday enough, maybe you can make sense of it. If only you can plan for tomorrow enough, maybe you can decide what will happen.

Except neither of those things are universally true.

There will never come a time when we feel completely done with the past or secure with the future, but eventually we have to consent to let it all go regardless.

We can either use our hours thinking about the ones that have past and the ones that are coming, or we can dig our heels into the moment and choose not to let it slip away. Because it will, as will the next, and the next, and the next until eventually they run out.

Today, if you find yourself rehashing, assessing, or worrying, ask yourself this question: what would I gain if I sacrificed the illusion of control and instead rooted myself firmly in the now?

Photo by darkpatator

November 16, 2010
Tiny Wisdom: On Envy

“You can’t be envious and happy at the same time.” ~Frank Tyger

When you’re fixated on everything someone else has that you lack, it’s near impossible to notice and appreciate everything that’s working in your favor. There’s always something, even if you’re not where you’d like to be professionally, romantically, socially, or personally.

You’ll get there–that doesn’t change that now is a perfect time to be happy.

Envy is a disease of resentful dissatisfaction. Gratitude is not only the antidote–it’s also a choice to accept and enjoy your world as it is.

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt

October 27, 2010