Tiny Buddha

Category: Confidence

  • Tiny Wisdom: Challenging the Need for Approval

    Tiny Wisdom: Challenging the Need for Approval

    “Lean too much on other people’s approval and it becomes a bed of thorns.” -Tehyi Hsieh

    “Oh no, I said something wrong.” If I had a top-10 list of defeatist thoughts that I’ve entertained most frequently over the course of my life, this would certainly make the cut.

    I’ve thought this when I’ve met new people and wanted to make a good first impression.

    I’ve thought this with men I’ve dated, when I felt insecure and neurotic about whether or not I seemed confident and charming enough.

    I’ve thought this during job interviews; when networking with people in my field; and on various occasions when there’s been a spotlight on me, literally or metaphorically.

    It’s a knee-jerk response when I fear I’ve somehow presented myself in a bad light—and that maybe as a result, I will lose approval.

    In a perfect world, I want to always say the “right” thing at the right time. But when I dissect this instinct, I recognize that what I really want is to know people will never think bad things about me—that they’ll never question my intentions, or judge me by one comment or encounter.

    I’ve realized, however, that this is a fool’s errand, because we simply do not have the power to shape how we’re perceived. More importantly, we’ll never know lasting happiness if it’s dependent on other people’s approval.

    Even if we say all the “right” things, there will always be someone who doubts us, judges us, or interprets our words to mean something we did not intend.

    I’ve often called myself a recovering people-pleaser, because I’ve made vast improvements in this regard, but I still feel that knee-jerk instinct at times—that fear that I won’t be liked or accepted. I’ve learned that this is okay.

    Retaining our power isn’t about eliminating self-doubting, defeatist thoughts; it’s about learning to dispute them so that we can let them go and move on, feeling self-approved whether other people validate us or not.

    We may never feel permanently confident. But we can learn what that place looks and feels like so we come back a little more quickly with every challenge we face.

    Photo by KittyKaht

  • Tiny Wisdom: It’s Good Enough

    Tiny Wisdom: It’s Good Enough

    “Good enough is the new perfect.” -Becky Beaupre Gillespie

    Sometimes we hone in on everything we think we’re lacking or doing wrong, and wonder what we need to fix or change to measure up. Then we judge ourselves at each step of the way, questioning whether or not we’re doing everything we should.

    This has been true for me, and sometimes it still is.

    Whenever I feel stressed out, it’s usually because I’m worrying about something I did or have to do, convincing myself I could have done better or I won’t do enough.

    It’s a mental soundtrack I know all too well: You could have done more. You should have done more. You need to do more. You need to be more.

    Other people may occasionally make us feel like we’re somehow falling short, but more often than not when we feel anxious, we’re suffocating under the weight or our own perfectionist expectations and fears.

    It’s exhausting, and sometimes paralyzing, but we have the power to change it.

    We have the power to stop, take a breath, and tell ourselves:

    The passion I put into my work today—it’s good enough.

    The effort I put into my dreams today—it’s good enough.

    The thought I put into my connections—it’s good enough.

    The time I took to do for the people I love—it’s good enough.

    The attempt I made at reaching outside my comfort zone—it’s good enough.

    The work I did for my own growth and healing—it’s good enough.

    And if we feel that any of this is disingenuous—like we made excuses and held ourselves back—we can still give ourselves credit for what we did right and then commit to doing a little more tomorrow.

    We’re all doing the best we can with where we are on each given day. If we’re willing to believe it, our best is good enough.

    Photo by Mark Mcwizard

  • Tiny Wisdom: What Are You Passionate About?

    Tiny Wisdom: What Are You Passionate About?

    “Enthusiasm is contagious. You can start an epidemic.” –Unknown

    Do you ever downplay your passions and ambitions when someone asks you about your work?

    Someone asked me if I do this a while back, and at first, I said that I don’t. To know me is to know Tiny Buddha—and to hear about it often.

    I’ve recognized, however, that I can be somewhat reserved in describing what I do when I first someone new—especially if I meet them in a context that does not confirm they have an interest in personal development.

    Of course, this means I’m making assumptions. Just because I meet someone at a wisdom conference that doesn’t guarantee they’re more interested in personal growth than someone I meet in a doctor’s office.

    Still, it’s tempting to form this conclusion to avoid potential awkwardness, particularly because I write about topics that not everyone feels comfortable discussing.

    This, I’ve found, is what sometimes causes me to water down my enthusiasm: I’m too concerned with how I assume someone might respond to open up and find out for myself.

    Can you relate?

    Have you ever assumed someone would be bored by your work without giving them the opportunity to decide for themselves? Have you ever imagined someone would find your aspirations silly instead of taking a chance and letting them in?

    Or how about this: Have you ever held back when sharing your goals with someone who seems to be successful in their field in fear they won’t take you seriously because you’re not yet?

    I suspect we do these things to maintain a sense of safety, whether it’s for ourselves or our dreams.

    But we limit our potential to help and be helped, inspire and be inspired, when we minimize our interests and ambitions.

    You never know when an enthusiastic exchange might lead to a life-changing conversation, introduction, or opportunity, for you or someone else.

    We can all do a lot of good in this world we all share together, but we first we need to be willing to share the good we want to do.

    Photo by wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: Plant Tiny Seeds for Joy

    Tiny Wisdom: Plant Tiny Seeds for Joy

    “The grass is always greener where you water it.” –Unknown

    The first time I heard the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side,” I was 12 years old—and I heard it in song.

    I didn’t know at the time that this was from the play Woman of the Year, because two women in my theater group sang it as part of a musical review. Still, it made a deep impression on me.

    One of the characters is a housewife, and the other is a famous TV news personality—and yet they both feel certain they’re missing out on amazing experiences because of the lifestyle they’ve chosen.

    The celebrity sings, “I can see you planning picnics. That’s wonderful!”

    The housewife responds, “What’s so wonderful? Eating at the White House! That’s wonderful!”

    And the song goes on like this, with two women comparing their lives, and assuming the other has it better.

    Back then, I felt painfully envious of my sister, who frequently won starring roles and also had a boyfriend. It didn’t occur to me that focusing on everything she had wasn’t a proactive way to create the life I wanted.

    Comparing my talent to hers didn’t help me land any roles. It just made me feel inadequate—which showed in my auditions. Comparing my looks to hers didn’t help me feel better about myself. It just made me feel unattractive—which showed in the way I carried myself.

    I also didn’t realize her life wasn’t perfect, and she had plenty of her own challenges.

    I’ve since learned that there is always going to be someone else who appears to have everything we want, especially in the digital age, where many of us narrate all the fun we’re having through updates, photos, and videos online.

    But we tend to overestimate other people’s happiness and forget that in every life, there is a little sunshine and a little rain.

    No matter how perfect someone else’s life seems, they still have their own struggles. And they still deal with the natural human instinct to wonder what else is out there, and if there’s something else they should be doing.

    We can either focus on other people’s perceived good fortune, or focus our energy on recognizing and fostering our own.

    We do that by planting tiny seeds for joy, and then watering them with our attention.

    What seeds will you plant today?

    Photo by onecog2many

  • Tiny Wisdom: Challenging the Fear of Criticism

    Tiny Wisdom: Challenging the Fear of Criticism

    “The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” -Elbert Hubbard

    Sometimes criticism can feel like a ticking bomb that needs to be disposed.

    Case in point: I receive emails about every comment left on the site. While I’ll glance at them peripherally to be sure they’re not spam that made it through the filter, I generally let them accumulate so I can respond to many all at once.

    But sometimes, I’ll notice a harsh criticism, and suddenly feel this need to respond to it right now.

    I’m not sure if it’s because I feel vulnerable having been publicly criticized, or because I feel the need to clear up misconceptions in order to feel a sense of control, but something in me shouts, “This is bad. Do something about it, and fast!”

    Replying in a timely fashion is, of course, not problematic, but reacting with a Pavlovian fear response is a whole different story—one that raises the question: What is about criticism that feels so scary?

    Have you ever felt a sense of anxiety over someone else’s opinion, as if you feared it would somehow hurt you? Have you ever felt a strong need to defend yourself against negative feedback, as if you couldn’t relax until you cleared things up?

    Or how about this: Have you ever been so busy responding to criticism that seemed destructive that you didn’t have time to consider if there was something constructive in it?

    The reality is we all judge and criticize, if not publically, than in our heads. It’s a natural human instinct to form opinions about things. Hopefully, we have the tact to not to be cruel, but it will happen to all of us from time to time. Usually, it will only be as disastrous as we make it.

    One harsh comment on this site won’t change anything in the grand scheme of things—even if other people read it, too. One harsh comment from a coworker won’t change your talent, potential, or prospects.

    It never feels comfortable to be critiqued, especially if someone attacks your character or clearly misjudges your intentions. But we make the best use of our energy if we look for positive takeaways, and then challenge the voice inside that says, “Something is wrong.”

    Nothing’s wrong, so long as we learn, respond calmly, and move on, feeling balanced and empowered.

    Photo by Miheco

  • Tiny Wisdom: Take This Moment and Start Anew

    Tiny Wisdom: Take This Moment and Start Anew

    “Many fine things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow.” -Unknown

    When I was younger, an adult I was staying with told me, “The diet starts tomorrow. Let’s eat everything we can before midnight.”

    So we did. We ate grilled cheeses, leftover Chinese food, Twinkies, and anything else that called to us from her cabinets.

    It was then or never, that was the message, and tomorrow would be different—which of course it wasn’t.

    For years, I started each morning intending to make healthy choices, and then after failing to meet my perfectionist standards, decided to turn over a new leaf the following day.

    I justified chain smoking by telling myself I’d quit tomorrow. I allowed myself to remain inert by rationalizing that the day was “ruined” because I missed my morning workout.

    It was impossible to make big change because I always had an excuse to avoid making different choices.

    I eventually gave up Marlboros and binge fests, but I still deal with all-or-nothing thinking at times, particularly when it comes to leaving my comfort zone—and if I’m not careful, it can be paralyzing.

    Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you’ve rationalized that you’ll start dieting after the holidays, instead of cutting back just a little starting now. Or maybe you’ve put off looking for more fulfilling work, assuming it would be easier next week, next month, or next year, when you feel less frustrated or overwhelmed.

    We delude ourselves when we rationalize that tomorrow we’ll excel at what we aren’t willing to start today. We may never feel fully prepared or confident when it comes to our ability to change—and that’s okay, so long as we’re willing to try, starting now.

    That means accepting we may not do things perfectly.

    We may feel like we’re making progress and then fear we’re right where we started. More likely, we will have taken two steps forward and one step back—which means we are moving forward.

    I don’t believe that life is short; most of us will have abundant opportunities to experience all this world has to offer. Whether or not we actually do that is largely dependent on how we spend our time.

    We can sabotage our days by imagining tomorrow will be better; or we can seize our moments by forgiving ourselves when we struggle and doing the best we can right now.

    Photo by zedmelody

  • Tiny Wisdom: Our Mistakes May as Well Be Our Own

    Tiny Wisdom: Our Mistakes May as Well Be Our Own

    “Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.”  -Billy Wilder

    A few months ago, when I was creating my book marketing plan, an associate advised me to allocate resources to something that I felt certain was not a smart idea. He offered a detailed explanation for why I should do it, but I felt strongly that it wasn’t necessary.

    I eventually did as he recommended because he was adamant that I should. Essentially, I decided his instincts were smarter than mine—even though this was new territory for both of us—and simply followed his instructions.

    Sure enough, this investment yielded practically no return, and at first, I felt angry toward him. Why was he so persuasive, I wondered, and why didn’t he offer me additional guidance so that it didn’t end up being a complete waste of money?

    I realized then that I was trying to hold him responsible, when the reality is that I am the only person with the power to follow my instincts and make my choices.

    There are always going to be people who think they know what’s best for us—and many times, they will be well-intentioned.

    There will be family members who think they know which career paths we should pursue. There will be friends who think they know when we should walk away from our relationships. It always seems so clear from the outside, but the reality is no one knows what the future holds and where our choices will lead us—including us.

    No one can know that walking away from one job will ultimately lead to something better. No one can know that ending a relationship will prove wiser than spending time trying to work things out. And no one can change that there is an element of risk in every decision.

    We can either take our risks based on other people’s instincts; or we can take responsibility for out path into uncertainty.

    We can only ever know what feels right for us in a moment—not whether or not it’s the right or wrong choice to create our desired outcome. This means we need to dare to own our decisions.

    We can best navigate twists and turns when we’re fully in the driver’s seat—but in order to do that, we need we have the strength and courage to steer.

    Photo by sharrattsam

  • Tiny Wisdom: What You Need to Give Yourself

    Tiny Wisdom: What You Need to Give Yourself

    “Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” -Zen Proverb

    I’ve recognized that I come to my computer to write for one of two reasons:

    Either I feel the need to explore something that’s relevant to my life, and in doing so, start a conversation about it; or there’s something bothering me that I haven’t fully addressed, and I’m hoping the conversation will make me feel better about it.

    Last week an old friend wrote to congratulate me on my book. She started the email by joking that she wouldn’t “sell my secrets if the tabloids called.”

    Though I doubt she was referring to anything specific, this struck a nerve with me because I’ve shared a lot of my personal experiences, but there are some stories I haven’t told.

    Some of them I’ve worked through and simply don’t want to share; others I haven’t completely addressed, and I’m still working through them privately.

    After I read her email, I started to write a post about the difference between authenticity and transparency. I realized three paragraphs in that my sole intention was to receive confirmation that I am not a fraud for keeping certain things to myself.

    So I decided to sit with this, and give myself the reassurance and acceptance I hoped you’d give me.

    I realized then that this same idea applies in everyday life, as we engage with other people and, consciously or unconsciously, look to them to give us what we’re not giving ourselves.

    If we’re feeling down on ourselves, we may look to other people to validate us. If we’re feeling drained, we might look to other people to give us permission to take a break.

    If they don’t give us what we need, we can end up feeling frustrated, and direct that at them. Ironically, even when people say what we think we want to hear, it tends to fall flat if we don’t truly believe they’re right.

    What makes it all the more complicated is that we don’t often realize we’re doing this. It’s far more comfortable to search outside than it is to look within.

    But if we want to fully feel the warmth of light, we need to first access our own. That starts with asking ourselves: What do I really need—and how can I give it to myself?

    Photo by Wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: It Starts with Believing

    Tiny Wisdom: It Starts with Believing

    “Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” -Mark Victor Hansen

    In my early 20s, I got involved with a pyramid scheme that I mistook for an ethical company.

    I didn’t realize it at first, but most people were only pretending to make money because they believed they eventually would.

    Since the revenue came mostly from attracting new recruits, the head of my young team had rented out an office suite, largely to establish a sense of credibility. This made it look less like a risky network marketing business, and more like a lucrative career path. Of course, I didn’t realize this at the time. I wanted to believe, so I did.

    On one of my first days after joining, right before a scheduled presentation with 30 potential recruits, we got kicked out of our office because of a dispute with the rent.

    In that moment, I had this vision of our entire 40+ person team setting up shop in the tiny Starbucks downstairs. I grabbed all the marketing materials and overflowed with earnest enthusiasm as I told everyone, “We don’t need an office. We just need to bring our heads and our hearts!”

    In the movies, this kind of thing always seems to work. Things fall apart, and yet they somehow come together simply because people care, they’re determined, and they find a way.

    I learned from this scenario that we need to be discerning about what we choose to believe, and clear about why we care. But I also realized that it isn’t naive to believe we can create miracles when we recognize our passion is our greatest asset.

    In most situations, it’s not smoke and mirrors that create the magic—it truly is the people who believe in it and as a result never consider giving up on it. People run the companies. People create the brands. People change the world.

    People just like you and me. It’s not a fancy office that does it. It’s not a massive paycheck. It’s not even the best laid business plans.

    When it comes to building anything worthwhile, it starts with a willingness to believe in ourselves, each other, and what we can create when we have good intentions and keep going.

    Photo by Scottfeldstein

  • Tiny Wisdom: Creating Perfect Plans

    Tiny Wisdom: Creating Perfect Plans

    “Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.” -Denis Waitley

    The other day I was watching reruns of a show I’ve recently found and now love. In one scene, the main character talked about the “perfect moment” that never came to be—an isolated point in time when things would have worked exactly as he imagined they would, and as a result, there would only be positive consequences to his choices.

    This got me thinking about my own instinct to create perfect moments according to what I’ve visualized—and also the times when I’ve been part of other people’s plans.

    In high school, I reconnected with an old friend from junior high, who’d also been bullied back then. I was going through a lot emotionally and wasn’t in a place to date him. He told me he was disappointed because he “wanted me for his senior year.”

    He had a specific vision of me being the one on his arm at the prom. It wasn’t just about being with me; it was about being with me in a very specific way.

    I’ve done the exact same thing at times. I know I want to have children—but in an ideal world, I’d have them in the next two years, and I’d have created a situation that allows me to spend equal time on the east and west coasts, to be close to family in both places. I realize, however, that in two years time, I may not have created those conditions.

    Life doesn’t always work out in the way we imagine would be ideal. We can either resist that, feeling crushed when we don’t get exactly what we wanted, or accept reality at every step of the way and adapt to make the best of what we get.

    We’re often advised to visualize the future in specific detail so that we may create it; to see in our heads the environment, the people, and the situations we want to manifest. This can be a powerful exercise because it helps us get clear about what we really want.

    It will be a far more effective practice, though, if we remember that what we really want isn’t the perfect moment—it’s happiness from moment to moment. That comes from choosing to embrace and work with what is, instead of bemoaning and fighting it.

    Photo by magical-world

  • Tiny Wisdom: We Can Choose Right Now

    Tiny Wisdom: We Can Choose Right Now

    “You are your choices.” -Seneca

    It sounds like such a cliché to say that most of what we’re seeking is already within us, but nonetheless, it’s true.

    Happiness doesn’t only exist in some perfect tomorrow when our circumstances look ideal. It’s a moment-to-moment choice that has to do with how we perceive and respond to what’s in front of us. We can choose happiness right now.

    Peace doesn’t only exist in some time without obstacles or troubles. It’s something we can feel by accepting what is, doing our best, and believing that’s good enough. We can choose peace right now.

    Love doesn’t only exist in a storybook relationship with the perfect person. It’s something we can nurture within ourselves in any moment and then share with the people and the world around us. We can choose love right now.

    Success doesn’t only exist in epic achievement, some day down the road. It’s what we feel when we honor the things that matter to us instead of making excuses why we can’t. We can choose success right now.

    We can choose what we think. We can choose what we believe. We can choose how we react. We can choose how we act.

    This moment is all there is—and while we can’t control everything about it, we can choose who we are and what we do within it.

    What do you choose right now?

    Photo by memsahib 313

  • Tiny Wisdom: How Far We’ve Come

    Tiny Wisdom: How Far We’ve Come

    “Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” -Unknown

    Though I write a lot about mindfulness, focusing on here and now, I think there’s something empowering about looking back and realizing how far we’ve come. I’m not just talking about our big accomplishments. I’m referring to the many tiny personal victories we often achieve without taking time to honor them.

    The other day, after I arrived at my local coffee shop to work, my computer died. No battery, no power from the cord, no explanation—and no backed up files.

    I have an entire unpublished book in my saved documents. Forget for a minute how foolish it was to not have saved this somewhere else. (I know!)

    What mattered to me in that moment was that I did not freak out. I did not catastrophize as if it were a person I love who died, not just a computer. I didn’t need someone else to drive me to Office Max so I could have a panic attack in the passenger seat. At one point, I would have.

    Once upon a time, when anything went wrong, I fell apart.

    Responding calmly, for me, is a huge victory. So I decided to stop and celebrate that, to rejoice in how far I’ve come.

    Life is always going to entail challenges, both expected and unforeseen. We can choose to measure our progress based on the circumstances we’ve improved—the benchmarks, the goals, the professional successes. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing the big external changes we’ve created.

    But we can also celebrate our many personal successes—those times when we respond better and more wisely to a difficult situation than we would have years ago—and in doing so increase our odds of finding a solution.

    My computer wasn’t completely dead. It turns out the battery and the cord both need to be replaced. There was a solution, but I was prepared to accept and deal if there wasn’t one, instead of getting down on myself.

    So today I honor how far I’ve come in maintaining my composure when things go wrong. In what area of your life have you made significant progress, and have you taken time recently to celebrate it?

    Photo by Jan Kromer

  • Tiny Wisdom: Do You Believe?

    Tiny Wisdom: Do You Believe?

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” –James Allen

    Do you believe you can do work you love? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t try for it.

    Do you believe you can be in a happy relationship? If you don’t believe, you likely won’t open up to it.

    Do you believe you can adopt that healthier habit? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t stick to it.

    Do you believe you can fully release your anger toward that person who hurt you? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t let go of it.

    Do you believe you should be treated with respect? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t require it.

    Do you believe this moment is good enough? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t enjoy it.

    Do you believe you deserve happiness? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t let yourself feel it.

    It’s not true that anything is possible—I can say with absolute certainty that none of us will grow wings tonight and fly out our bedroom windows. But it is true that far more is possible than we often realize.

    It starts with what we believe. And beliefs are thoughts that aren’t fact—meaning we can change them if we really want to.

    We can change the stories we tell ourselves. We can change the limits we’ve set for ourselves. Most importantly, we can change what we do for ourselves, starting right this moment. Every passing second is a new opportunity to be who we want to be, if we believe we can.

    I may not always have believed the best about and for myself, but in this moment, I choose to believe and act on it. Do you?

    Photo by Augapfel

  • Tiny Wisdom: Not Choosing Is a Choice

    Tiny Wisdom: Not Choosing Is a Choice

    “When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” -William James

    “I don’t know—what do you think?”

    Recently I find myself asking this when my boyfriend asks what I want to do—what movie I want to see, where I want to eat, or how I’d like to spend an off-day.

    At first I thought this was just a residual people-pleasing tendency from a time when I measured my worth in approval. But when I look at this more closely, I realize it’s actually about relinquishing the tiny decisions, since inevitably there are lots of large ones that I simply have to make.

    Every day we make countless choices that affect our lives in major ways. Do we stay with a job or take a risk and follow our dreams? Do we tell someone how we feel, or do we wait for a better time?

    Then there are the decisions we make by making no choice at all—when we remain in a relationship that we really want to end, or we stay in a location even though our heart’s pulling us somewhere else.

    Life is a constant stream of choices. That can be overwhelming and sometimes downright exhausting—if we put pressure on every decision, in fear of doing the wrong thing, or making a choice and then somehow missing out because of it.

    These big life choices may seem completely divorced from the tiny decisions we make about how we spend our time, but it all comes down to the same question: Do we want to take responsibility for now?

    We’re the only ones who can identify what we want and then do something about it, whether it’s what we do with our evenings, what we do with our vacations, or even what we do with our lives.

    We can see this as something stressful, and wait it out, hoping someone or something else will tell us what’s the best course of action. Or we can tune into what we want in any given moment, knowing that no matter how things turn out, we will be happy for finding the strength to follow our instincts and choose.

    Photo by David Offf

  • Tiny Wisdom: Dealing with Public Criticism

    Tiny Wisdom: Dealing with Public Criticism

    “Do not look for approval except for the consciousness of doing your best.” -Andrew Carnegie

    I used to follow a popular blog ran by a woman who’d lost a lot of weight and wrote about maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

    One day, she saw a teenager smoking a cigarette on the street. She decided to walk up to him and let him know this was dumb—and then she blogged about it.

    Her followers unanimously agreed it was judgmental and righteous to harshly criticize someone who didn’t ask for her opinion, especially since she had no way of knowing if he might have been trying to quit. Dozens of people chimed in, many suggesting they no longer respected her and may even stop reading her blog.

    I could understand her reaction to seeing a young person smoking, and I could understand their perspective that it was unnecessary to call him out.

    What interested me the most was the next day’s post. She apologized to her readers for not being more sensitive to the teenager—as if she somehow owed them something for her reaction to him.

    I empathized with her, because there have been many times when I’ve felt judged by a group, and felt a need to restore their respect for me.

    I’m not suggesting she didn’t actually regret what she did; as I’m sure she seriously considered everything people wrote. But I imagined she also felt a lot of pressure to defend her good nature after receiving so much criticism in a public forum.

    We’re all living increasingly public lives, with audiences on various social media platforms, and negative commentary just a Google search away, if your work in any way opens you to personal or professional review.

    When an attack suddenly seems public, we can easily lose track of what we genuinely want to learn from the experience while trying to minimize the embarrassment and any damage to our reputations.

    The wider our reach, the more we open ourselves to criticism. It always benefits us to consider helpful feedback, but it’s easy to grow dependent on mass approval when we focus on pleasing everyone and avoiding judgment.

    The reality is people will always judge. It’s exhausting to try to control public perception, but we can do our best to create our reputations by acting with honesty, integrity, and a genuine commitment to growth.

    Photo by Wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: Getting Our Own Approval

    Tiny Wisdom: Getting Our Own Approval

    “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” –Mark Twain

    I currently have three inch dark blond roots growing into my golden hair because I’ve decided to go natural after a decade of consistent coloring.

    I’m wearing large pink flower earrings that make me smile, even though they don’t really go with the yoga pants and tie-dyed hoodie I also felt like wearing.

    I’m viewing my laptop through slightly crooked glassed because I sat on them two weeks ago, but they’re still functional, and I’d rather spend my money on new initiatives for this site.

    In the past, I would never have gone out if I didn’t think I looked perfectly together. I cared far too much about other people’s perceptions for that.

    This goes back to elementary school when my 4th grade teacher frequently made me stand in front of the class while he described my dress and called me “Miss Prim and Proper.”

    My perfect image imploded in high school, when I started playing with goth and grunge, but even that was a ploy for acceptance.

    I would like to say I’ve evolved beyond concerns of what other people think, but the reality is I still care—I just know now that I am happiest when I focus on what makes me feel good, regardless of how it looks.

    Earlier this week I wrote a post about our need to receive and accept praise; which begs the question: what’s the difference between needing appreciation and seeking approval?

    I suspect it comes down to intention. A healthy need for appreciation comes from the desire to be loved by others. An unhealthy need for approval comes from the desire to compensate for the love we’re not giving ourselves.

    It might not be possible to completely stop caring about what other people think, and that might not be a bad thing. Because we care, we look out for others and consider their feelings before we act. But it is possible to honor our own needs and values above appearances and public perception.

    It’s possible to take the road less traveled, even if it others might judge. To do what we think is right, even if others might disagree. And if you’re like me, to wear those crooked glasses, knowing what’s most important is not how it looks, but how we see ourselves and what we do as a result.

    Photo by nickyfern

  • Tiny Wisdom: It’s OK to Say No

    Tiny Wisdom: It’s OK to Say No

    “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” ~Josh Billings

    Sometimes I feel immense pressure to do all kinds of things I don’t want to do. The reality is, I often put this pressure on myself. I think about the things I should do. Or the things I think I should want to do. Or the things other people might expect me to do.

    And all this thinking can drain me—before I’ve gotten a chance to do anything. This is basically choosing to create anxiety where there could be peace and joy. It’s wasting precious time, feeling conflicted, restricted, and full of angst.

    So today I invite you to join me in remembering it’s OK to say no, and our world won’t fall apart because of it.

    It’s OK to say no if you don’t feel moved by an opportunity—no matter how exciting it might sound to someone else. Happiness is a choice, but it’s made up of lots of smaller choices we need to make based on what we actually want.

    It’s OK to say no if you’d rather relax than go out—no matter how many other people think you should be social. Only we know when we need to recharge and take care of ourselves, so it’s up to us to recognize and honor that.

    It’s OK to say no if you’d need to sacrifice your needs to help someone else—even if a part of you feels a little guilty about it. People are always going to have requests. Sometimes we’ll be able to help; sometimes we won’t. We’re still good people regardless.

    It’s OK to say no because you don’t have time—even if you don’t know right in this moment when you’ll be more available. We’re allowed to say no without hinting toward a future yes.

    It’s OK to say no without a detailed excuse—even if you feel like you should offer one. “This doesn’t feel right for me right now” is a perfectly valid reason.

    Lastly, it’s OK to say no even if you’ve already said yes, if you realize you weren’t being true to yourself. It’s far better to make the right decision late than follow through with the wrong one because you think you should.

    Photo by permanently scatterbrained

  • Tiny Wisdom: Let Your Light Shine Bright

    Tiny Wisdom: Let Your Light Shine Bright

    “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” ~Marianne Williamson

    We all have it: a little voice inside that tries to hold us back.

    It tells us not to say what we feel so we won’t make any waves. It tells us not to define what we want so that things can stay predictably easy. It tells us not to go for our dreams because we may not be good enough.

    It may also tell us that it’s selfish to focus on our own desires and goals–that good people are more concerned with giving than getting. But giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. And sometimes the best thing we can give to others is a reminder that we all deserve to live passionate, fulfilling, engaged lives–and we all have the capacity to do it.

    So today, let your light shine.

    Make your own needs and wants priorities.

    Make time for the things you love to do, even if they feel silly, or superficial, or extravagant. If it’s within your means to do it and it doesn’t hurt anyone, don’t worry about justifying–just enjoy!

    Use your gifts and talents in the way you want to use them–not the way you think you should.

    Speak directly from your heart, without fear of reproach.

    If you believe in something, stand behind it, even if you stand alone.

    Keep your heart open to the world around you so you can be moved and inspired–and then use that internal illumination to create something that will move and inspire the people around you.

    Play. Laugh. Love. Leap. And remember that you have nothing to prove. There’s nothing you have to do, and there’s no one you have to be other than exactly who you are, because who you are is beautiful. Who you are is full of light–and the world deserves to see it.

    Photo by Missie Graham

  • Tiny Wisdom: Are You Afraid of Success?

    Tiny Wisdom: Are You Afraid of Success?

    “Success will never be a big step in the future; success is a small step taken just now.”  ~Jonatan Mårtensson

    We often talk about releasing the fear of failure to create motivation and momentum, but I’ve found that there’s another obstacle that can keep us from taking risks: the fear of success.

    Success in any pursuit requires responsibility. At one point, I decided this was one thing I didn’t want. I didn’t want people to depend on me. I didn’t want to create conditions in my life that I needed to maintain with consistency, both in effort and earning.

    I wanted the freedom to drop everything in a heartbeat so that I never had to feel trapped. This felt safe to me. If I never chose to rise too high, I’d never have to fall too far if I messed up; I’d never had to worry about disappointing anyone; and I’d never have to consider that maybe I didn’t deserve any attention or acclaim I might receive.

    Perhaps you can relate. Maybe a part of you feels resistant to the changes that might ensue if you advance professionally or personally. Maybe you’re afraid that you’re not good enough, which makes you want to sabotage yourself when opportunity arises. Or maybe you just plain don’t want things to be any different than they are now.

    If the last one is true—you truly don’t want to lose the weight, or get the job, or start the business, or whatever it is that success might mean to someone else—then you’re in a good place. You’re not afraid of success; you’re simply content with the way things are.

    But if you are scared, and somewhere inside you a quiet voice is begging for growth, you owe it to yourself to question what’s really holding you back.

    We all deserve to live lives that feel passionate and purposeful. And the world needs for us to find the courage to do the things we want to do—not because we’re chasing success, but because we want to make a difference, and we know we deserve and can handle whatever that entails.

    My success is learning and writing every day, regardless of how Tiny Buddha grows. What is success to you—and are you going for it?

    Photo by Frames-of-Mind

  • Tiny Wisdom: Not Taking No for an Answer

    Tiny Wisdom: Not Taking No for an Answer

    “Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say yes.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

    Many times in life we ask questions of people and then put way too much weight on their answers.

    We ask people we admire if they think we have what it takes, and then consider their opinions fact. We ask people we respect if they think we should take a chance, and then follow their advice as law. We ask people if they’ll take a chance on us, and then interpret their response to be a reflection of our potential.

    Other people can’t tell us how far we can go. They can’t tell us how our talents could evolve. They can’t tell us if our risks will pay off. Other people’s “nos” aren’t what limit our future–it’s our own “nos” that do that.

    The other day, I read an interview with television producer and former American Idol judge Simon Cowell. He admitted that if Lady Gaga had auditioned for the show, he would have instantly rejected her because of her over-the-top persona. Like her or not, Lady Gaga has emerged as a force to be reckoned within the music industry–a bona fide record-breaking pop icon, who likely isn’t going anywhere any time soon.

    Odds are she heard her fair share of “nos,” as does anyone with a dream.

    Sometimes we hear “no” before we even get a chance to contact the person we really want to reach. We hear “no” from assistants, and publicists, and agents, and associates, and a number of other gatekeepers. Those “nos” are rarely final since a gate is made to be opened.

    We can take all these “nos” and use them as proof that we shouldn’t move forward with our goals. Or we can learn from them, release them, and then keep moving ahead, driven by a deep internal yes that refuses to be ignored.

    Today if you come up against rejection, remember: This does not mean “no.” It just means “not this way.”

    Photo by Akuppa