Tiny Buddha

Category: Challenges

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Changing How You See Problems

    Tiny Wisdom: On Changing How You See Problems

    “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” -Mary Engelbreit

    In a recent response to my blog post about dealing with difficult people, an anonymous commenter mentioned that she has a negative team member, an irrational supervisor, and an ineffective HR manager. Since she feels that leaving her job isn’t an option, she asked for advice about what she should do.

    I could relate to that feeling of being stuck–when you’re in a situation you don’t like, but you feel powerless to change it.

    When I’ve been in those circumstances, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I should change my perceptions and responses. After all, other people were causing problems–why should I have to change?

    In fact, I spent years stubbornly fighting with people who I thought were in the wrong. Because I felt confident in my judgments–that they needed to be more considerate, or less abrasive, or whatever–I essentially justified a negative attitude by bemoaning their negativity.

    Instead of actively seeking workable solutions, I sat around complaining about how other people caused the problems.

    In doing so, I became the problem. The victim mentality was the problem. My stubborn righteousness was the problem. These were the things that were keeping me stuck–not what other people did.

    We’re going to feel powerless sometimes. Sometimes we’ll have to stay with difficult roommates, even if just temporarily. Sometimes we’ll need to work thankless jobs just to make ends meet. We can either fight what is, or choose to see opportunities within it.

    Today if you feel stuck in a situation you don’t love, ask yourself: Do I have the power to change this, and, if not, how can I respond positively and proactively in a way that can help me grow?

    Photo by Mark Mrwizard

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Realizing It’s Never All Dark

    Tiny Wisdom: On Realizing It’s Never All Dark

    “Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.” ~Māori Proverb

    People often comment that the Tiny Buddha emails come at just the right time for them, and I think there’s a simple explanation for that. They all address universal challenges–things we all deal with, and often. They’re the things we sometimes forget connect us.

    We all deal with pain, heartache, disappointment, frustration, fear, anxiety, and loss. We don’t deal with it at the same times, in the same ways, or for the same reasons, but we all experience the same emotions–over and over again.

    Just when we think everything is perfect, something changes and we realize nothing is permanent. Just when we think we have everything figured out, we realize how much we don’t understand, and maybe never will.

    But we also have something else in common: No matter how dark things can seem in our lives, we always have at least a little light–and sometimes far more than we realize. Very rarely is all lost.

    If things aren’t going great with work, you may still have amazing friends who remind you that you are so much more than what you do for a living. If you don’t have the relationship you dream about, you might have family members there to remind you that you are never alone.

    We always have good things in our lives. It’s just that sometimes we get too distracted by what’s lacking to recognize what’s going right.

    Yesterday I asked on Facebook, “What advice would you give to yourself, 10 years ago?” I would tell myself to stop worrying that I was missing out on the good life, because I was actually missing out on life because of all the worrying.

    Though none of us can go back and do things differently, we can remember what we’ve learned and use it.

    Today I commit to enjoying the light, wherever it may be. What light is there in your life?

    *This is an updated version of a post from 2009. Photo by law_keven

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Creating Change

    Tiny Wisdom: On Creating Change

    “To get something you never had, you  have to do something you never did.” -Unknown

    There’s a reason we often take the path most traveled: Seeing all the footprints on the well-trodden road creates the illusion of certainty, especially when many are your own.

    When it’s familiar,  it feels safe. You know what’s at the end; you’ve been there before. You know how to get there, so you don’t need to pay too much attention to your steps or the details along the way. You can just kind of put yourself on auto-pilot and go.

    But there’s something kind of ironic about living on auto-pilot.

    We generally do the things we’ve always done because they require less mental effort; you know what’s around you, so you don’t need to worry as much. But instinctively, we still find things to stress about. Even if we follow the path that feels comfortable, we generally end up thinking about the possibility of things we can’t control. There are always things we can’t control. Nothing is ever certain.

    If you inevitably need to embrace the discomfort of knowing the future is uncertain, why not choose the discomfort that might push you one inch closer to the possibilities you dream about?

    Why not reach out to someone you admire, or go to that event you’re scared to attend, or pitch that idea you’re afraid isn’t great? Life is bound to be messy and occasionally scary. Why not actively choose your changes, instead of waiting for them to choose you?

    Today as you go about your day, if you find yourself doing what you’ve always done, ask yourself: What would make me feel excited about today? Then do it. That tingling sense of fear and possibility–it’s the feeling of being alive.

    Photo by C.Davenby

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Risks and Rewards

    Tiny Wisdom: On Risks and Rewards

    “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” -H. Jackson Browne

    It’s safe. Familiar. Comfortable. Effortless. It doesn’t make waves. It’s what other people think you should do. You’re less likely to fail. Less likely to feel vulnerable. Less likely to question if it was worth the risk.

    Whether you realize it now or not, it is. We tend to regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did.

    On my first date with my boyfriend, I told him over dinner that I’d always wanted to go skydiving, even though I was afraid of heights. And I meant it–someday. As in someday far away, in a time when it suddenly seemed less terrifying. Someday came far quicker than I’d planned.

    He told me that if I wanted to see him again, I’d have to jump out of a plane. So he took me skydiving on our second date. For days before, I considered backing out, especially after I tweeted about it and someone linked me to skydiving fatalities. Although I knew it would likely be safe, I was afraid of the inherent risk.

    What pushed me through was the realization that I said I wanted to do it because I did. So I took it one moment at a time. I focused first on just getting in the car–that was all I had to do. Then next on going into the building. Then next on boarding the plane. Then next on jumping out.

    What I didn’t plan was the last step–feeling more alive than I ever had before.

    I took the risk one simple action step at a time, and though it didn’t completely take away the fear, it certainly pushed me through it. It was absolutely worth it. Nothing is more satisfying than actually doing what you’ve always said you wanted to do.

    Get unsafe. Less familiar. Uncomfortable. Difficult. Make waves. Define expectations. Risk failing. Feel vulnerable. Be bold and courageous. No matter where it takes you, leaving your comfort zone–learning, growing, feeling alive–is always worth the risk.

    Photo by magical-world

  • Tiny Wisdom: On When to Hold and When to Fold

    Tiny Wisdom: On When to Hold and When to Fold

    “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” -Havelock Ellis

    Sometimes it’s difficult to know when to keep plowing ahead and when to accept that it’s time to move on.

    You don’t want to give up on someone you love if you can make a positive difference in their life; but sometimes you need to let go and let them learn their own lessons.

    You don’t want to give up on a dream when you’ve put your heart and soul into it; but sometimes you need to let go of the outcome you’ve been fantasizing about to open yourself up to something even better.

    I’ve been in both of these places, and similar ones, many times before. I’ve wondered what a strong person would do. Or what a brave person would do. Or what a determined person would do. Because that’s what it always came down to–what I thought I should do, and what might increase my chances of getting something I wanted.

    What I’ve realized is that there is no should. There is no simple answer. And there aren’t any guarantees. You can never know for certain if the day after you stop trying could have been the day everything came together. You can never be sure that if you keep going, you’ll eventually get what you’re shooting for.

    All you can do is know your true intentions, listen to your instincts, and then make the best choice based on what you feel is right. They key is to listen to your instincts. Not what you think you should do, or what you think other people would do, or what you think looks good. But what you know in the still, quiet place within.

    Today if you feel conflicted about whether you should hold on or let go, ask yourself: If you cleared away your fears and self-judgments, what choice would you make?

    Photo by Frames-of-Mind

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Dropping Excuses

    “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” -Charles R. Swindoll

    Joshua Denney, who designed this site and does a ton behind the scenes, found this video and posted it on Facebook yesterday with the heading, “No excuses.”

    What could you accomplish if you stopped making excuses and started focusing on making a difference?

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Asking for Help

    Tiny Wisdom: On Asking for Help

    “It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” -Lena Horne

    We often think that admitting struggle is a sign of weakness, but we all struggle sometimes. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. We all need help sometimes. Acknowledging this is not a sign of weakness, but struggling alone is a choice to grow weak.

    We all need each other. No one is an island. The good news is that people really do care. Think about it. If someone you know was hurting, would you offer your support? If someone you know got into a tough situation, would you help them find a solution? You’d probably want them to come to you–to know that you care and they can trust and depend on you.

    Why not give them the opportunity to do the same for you? Why push yourself to your breaking point when there are people who’d be honored to help lighten your load?

    If you’re carrying more than you can handle today, choose to let some of it go by letting someone else in. You may feel vulnerable asking for help, but wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all learned to depend on each other?

    Photo by wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Strength

    Tiny Wisdom: On Strength

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” -Unknown

    Sometimes admitting that something is over can feel like defeat. After all, we hear a lot of messages that tell us to never give up–to hold on and keep fighting at all costs.

    But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know when it’s time to move on.

    You’ll know when a relationship no longer serves you, and you’re just staying because you’re too scared to leave. You’ll know when a job no longer makes you happy, but you’re staying because you think it will be hard to find something else. You’ll know when a business idea didn’t work, and it’s time to cut your losses and start the next thing.

    Somewhere inside you, you always know.

    You just have to stop ignoring the symptoms of your awareness or discontent, and decide it’s time to let go–of the relationship, the friendship, the job, the hobby, the idea, the religion, and in some cases, the illusion of something that you never even had to begin with.

    Today if you’re unsure whether you should hold on or let go, create space and stillness and then ask yourself: If you were fully honest about your motivations and needs, and not letting your fear choose for you, which choice would you make?

    Now all you need is the strength to make it. So the real question is: Are you strong enough to choose for your happiness?

    Photo by zedmelody

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Insurmountable Obstacles

    Tiny Wisdom: On Insurmountable Obstacles

    “A hard fall means a high bounce…if you’re made of the right material.” -Unknown

    I recently saw the movie Soul Surfer about Bethany Hamilton, the professional surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack in 2003 when she was just 13 years old. This would be difficult for anyone, but especially someone so young.

    Bethany lost 60% of her blood that day, and after turning down a lifelike but non-functional prosthetic arm, soon realized she had to relearn almost everything.

    What kept her going was knowing she didn’t lose everything. Lots of things were different, but lots of things were still possible. Because of that belief, Bethany has continued to compete in national surf championships while traveling all over the world to help other people dealing with adversity.

    As someone with a lifelong phobia of sharks, I can’t say for certain I’d get back in the water after an attack that took a limb. But I know that when everything seems challenging and nothing makes sense, it’s tremendously helpful to remember that possibility starts with the strength and courage to recognize it.

    If you’re dealing with an obstacle that seems insurmountable, remember that things are rarely what they seem. This can be your undoing–or it can be a reminder that you’re stronger than you realize and can do a lot more than you think.

    The question is: Are you ready to stop dwelling and start doing?

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Suffering

    Tiny Wisdom: On Suffering

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron

    We all have stories we tell ourselves about the events in our lives. Many of them are negative: My boyfriend left me because I’m not good enough. I didn’t get that job because people think I’m incompetent. My parents were too hard on me because they don’t really love me.

    We often give far more meaning to events than they actually had, allowing them to control us and our actions.

    Your stories can either leave you feeling helpless or empowered.

    Martin Seligman, who coined the term “positive psychology” suggests that we can learn optimism and change those stories using the ABC model. When an adversity (A) happens, we can identify beliefs (B) and the undesirable consequences (C) they create.

    So if your boyfriend left you and you believe it’s because you’re not good enough, that will likely leave you feeling down on yourself, and as a consequence, shut down to joy and people.

    The alternative is to dispute that story to create a sense of possibility. Instead of believing that you’re not good enough, you can think, “This one relationship didn’t work out, and I can learn from this, but lots of people love me, just as I am, and many more will in the future if I keep putting myself out there.”

    This story won’t completely take away the pain, but it will remind you that it’s temporary–and that you are not helpless.

    We never are unless we choose to be.

    Photo by kelp1966

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Impermanence

    Tiny Wisdom: On Impermanence

    Huge Golden Buddha

    “No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    Most of the time, when we feel something overwhelming, it’s not just the feeling that weighs on us; it’s also the fear that it may persist.

    That the deep sense of loss or longing will burrow a permanent hole in our hearts and we’ll never feel loved again. Or the disappointment will harden into an aching regret and we’ll never feel proud and excited again. Or the sadness will etch itself into our being and we’ll never feel happy again.

    But everything eventually transforms. Happiness gives way to sadness gives way to happiness again. It’s a constant cycle we can’t ever pause. Even if we decide to avoid change at all costs, change will eventually find us.

    Today, if you feel something you wish would go away, know that you won’t need to carry the weight of it forever. You just need to find the strength and patience to get through the difficult days as the feelings transform.

    Huge golden Buddha image via Shutterstock

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Resisting Emotions

    Tiny Wisdom: On Resisting Emotions

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    No amount of strength will change the fact that we are human, and to be human means to hurt. We won’t hurt always, and we don’t have to suffer endlessly, but we will feel emotions all through our lives.

    Even if we become really adept at dealing with uncomfortable emotions, we will never completely transcend them. And would we even want to? The ability to feel the darkest of moments gives us the capacity to enjoy the lightest.

    So I say lets stop fighting our natural duality. There’s no reason to pretend you’re smiling when you’re crying silently inside. It’s pointless to pretend you don’t feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, exhausted, disappointed, disillusioned, or dissatisfied when you do. Sit there and feel whatever you feel. It has a lot less power when you let it go through you.

    Only in experiencing and then taking power away from our emotions can we then let them go and move on.

    What do you need to feel and then release today?

    Photo by Kelp1966

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Choosing

    Tiny Wisdom: On Choosing

    “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them.” ~Denis Waitley

    Sometimes complaining, stressing, analyzing, and fantasizing can seem proactive, but they don’t actually change anything. Visualizing or planning may help you take action, but nothing changes unless you actually do.

    Today if you feel aggravated with your circumstances ask yourself these questions: Am I willing to do something to change them? And if not, what can I do to enjoy today instead of dwelling and letting it slip away?

    Photo by joiseyshowaa

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Envy

    Tiny Wisdom: On Envy

    “You can’t be envious and happy at the same time.” ~Frank Tyger

    When you’re fixated on everything someone else has that you lack, it’s near impossible to notice and appreciate everything that’s working in your favor. There’s always something, even if you’re not where you’d like to be professionally, romantically, socially, or personally.

    You’ll get there–that doesn’t change that now is a perfect time to be happy.

    Envy is a disease of resentful dissatisfaction. Gratitude is not only the antidote–it’s also a choice to accept and enjoy your world as it is.

    Photo by D Sharon Pruitt

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Carrying Stress

    Tiny Wisdom: On Carrying Stress

    “Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.” ~Astrid Alauda

    It’s an easy thing to do. Our bodies and minds are so connected that stress and worry can actually cause disease.

    We don’t have to be the victims of our anxieties. At any time, we can choose to alleviate the pressure.

    We can take a break at any time. We can disconnect at any time. We can call a friend at any time. We can cry at any time. We can move at any time. We can hug at any time. We can stop at any time. We can breathe at any time.

    Today, and this moment, is a perfect time to release the burden or your worries.

    Photo by lel4nd

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Anxiety

    Tiny Wisdom: On Anxiety

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

    Only we can choose the way we feel, no one else.

    We don’t have to be the victim of our circumstances, the people around us, or the things we can’t control. Some things may hurt us and we’ll have feelings to deal with. But whenever we’re ready, we can choose to move on.

    Want to feel happier? Spend some time doing something you enjoy. Want to feel peaceful? Take a break and breathe deeply or meditate. Don’t worry about the things you think you should be dwelling on—you can think about them again when you’re done.

    Make the choice to be light and free today. No one else can make that choice but you.

    Photo by AlicePopkorn

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Hard Times

    Tiny Wisdom: On Hard Times

    “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” -Eckhart Tolle

    Things might not happen for a reason, but we can always find a reason to move on enriched.

    We can let disappointments devastate us, or we can move on in humility, finding opportunities within the hardship.

    We can let frustrations consume us, or we can foster a sense of peace and balance, choosing not to live in a constant state or reaction to our circumstances.

    We can let dissatisfaction gnaw away at our spirits, assuming it’s too late to create life as we want to experience it, or we can live powerfully in the now, choosing every day to do something that makes us feel fulfilled.

    These are the options we’re given in life—to drown in our sorrow about what we can’t control, or soar in the possibilities of everything we can.

    What do you choose today?

    Photo by zackzen

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Risks

    Tiny Wisdom: On Risks

    “It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” ~Seneca

    Taking the path of least resistance actually requires a lot of resistance. It’s human nature to want to soar! To venture out, explore the world, expand ourselves and our minds and live with passion, enthusiasm, and abandon.

    You might be doing that already, whatever that means to you. Or you may be containing yourself into a safe, predictable box, assuming everything outside it is far beyond your reach.

    It’s not—it’s not nearly as far away as you think.

    We’d be kidding ourselves if we pretended the world is without obstacles; but we’d be cheating ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge a lot of them are in our heads.

    Today, dare beyond your self-imposed limitations. It’s a lot easier to venture out of your comfort zone when you decide to stop fighting yourself.

    Photo by Wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Understanding

    Tiny Wisdom: On Understanding

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    Sometimes resentment and anger may seem involuntary, like reactions you have to indulge for a length of time proportionate to how badly you were wronged. It might even feel like your anger is a justified retaliation, and you’d be weak if you let it go.

    The irony is that after we’ve been hurt, we choose to continue hurting ourselves. Bitterness never feels good, no matter where it’s rooted.

    Psychologists suggest that when other people make mistakes, we tend to assign them character flaws (i.e.: he’s selfish, or she doesn’t care who she hurts) whereas when we make mistakes, we more frequently cite external causes (i.e.: I’ve been overworked, or I haven’t been getting enough sleep.)

    It’s almost as though we’re willing to let ourselves off the hook because we have to live with ourselves, but when it comes to other people we’re quick to condemn and slow to forget.

    You might not be able to forget what happened yesterday, but you can choose not to let it suffocate today. We all have character flaws and we’re all affected by external causes. Today if you have a hard time forgiving, ask yourself this question: do you want to feel bitter or better?

    photo by gautsch.