Author: Lori Deschene

Compare Well

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~Lao Tzu

Conventional wisdom suggests that if you want to be happy you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people. Conventional wisdom isn’t always realistic.

Try as you may to completely stop making comparisons, you’ll likely come back to the instinct at least on occasion.

Discontent is part of the human condition—the nagging sense that something’s missing, even when you seem to have it all. We’re constantly evolving, growing, and looking for new ways to expand our impact on the world, new ways to reach and stretch our potential.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you see the pursuit as constant gain instead of the cause as constant lack. And it’s equally harmless to compare yourself to others if it allows you to learn from people you admire.

If you compare yourself to your boss and it motivates you to work smarter, that comparison improved your life for the better.

If you compare yourself to someone your age who started a non-profit, and it inspires you to volunteer, that comparison made a difference in not just your life, but others’, too.

It’s when the comparison game gets you down on yourself that you need to be cautious. (more…)

February 23, 2010
7 Creative Ways to Turn Everyday Situations into Opportunities

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” -Milton Berle

The people who are the most successful in life are the ones who create their own opportunities. Since I’m a work-from-home freelance writer who prefers beadworking to networking, I have to be ultra creative.

I’ve identified seven simple ways to find opportunities in everyday situations. Here’s what I got:

1. Wear your resume while running errands.

Last year I read an article about a woman named Kelly Kinney who printed her resume on a T-shirt. What a brilliant idea! I always notice words on shirts; I’ve even been known to ask strangers to hold still so I can get a better look (far less awkward when the wearer is a man).

You can order a similar one at ResumeShirts.com for under $20–well worth the investment if it lands you the job of your dreams! (more…)

February 21, 2010
Get Luckier

“Care and diligence bring luck.” ~Proverb

When things aren’t going well for you, it’s easy to blame it on bad luck—to assume other people who are doing better had more help and advantages.

Nothing could be less empowering. This line of thinking just confirms that the world is unfair and you have limited control.

While both those things are true on some level—life isn’t fair, and in many ways, we’re not in control—happy people take responsibility and create their own luck, while their unhappy counterparts sit around blaming misfortune, feeling bitter that other people appear to get all the breaks.

Happy people focus on ways to improve their situation, put in the work, and allow themselves to enjoy minor victories.

You could be one of those people. (more…)

February 17, 2010
10 Ways to Slow Down and Still Get Things Done

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” ~Gandhi

Both the industrial and digital revolutions promised increased productivity, meaning people could work less and live a more balanced life. We all know that’s not how history has played out.

Even as technology advances, we work longer hours than ever and ironically, struggle financially and accrue more debt with each passing year.

If you haven’t noticed adverse effects on your personal relationships or the other areas of your life, you’ll likely keep plowing full-steam ahead and only stop when you have a compelling reason.

So here’s my proposition: Work as often as you damn well please! It’s your life; these are your moments to fill and hopefully enjoy.

But if you find yourself feeling stressed or detached from the present moment—if you sense life is passing you by as you scramble to get more—you may benefit from one of these ideas to slow down throughout the day.

1. Eat slowly.

This is a tough one for me. I devour food, always have. But I’ve found that eating more mindfully can be a meditative practice.

Chew every bite more, analyze tastes like you’re a foodie, and generally savor the experience. It likely won’t add more than ten minutes to your meal time, yet it will give you the chance to seep into the moment.

2. Do nothing for fifteen minutes after waking up.

Have you ever opened your eyes and immediately pulled out your iPhone or laptop? Or how about this: Do you roll out of bed two seconds after waking, having already created a ten-item to-do list in your head? Taking five or ten minutes to just lay with your thoughts allows you to ease into your day without such a sense of urgency.

3. Stare at a photo online instead of reading an article.

We’re knowledge seekers, which is a great thing. The more we learn, the more we understand and grow. However, the digital era presents a unique challenge: With so much information available, it’s tempting to seek knowledge far more often than you apply it.

Instead of learning something new on your lunch break, kick back and appreciate a beautiful image. Stillness is the answer to many of the questions you’ve been asking.

4. Choose an activity you usually multi-task and do only that.

Choose one task to complete mindfully today and maybe add to that tomorrow. My favorite is folding laundry. It’s warm, clean, and, most importantly, done!

Since I have an overactive mind, I need to tell myself certain things to stay in the moment: Enjoying this moment is my only task; there is nowhere to get to—only right now to be; nothing exists but this laundry in front of me (obviously not true, but it keeps me grounded).

5. Stare at your turned-off-TV for ten minutes before turning it on.

A lot of us fill our downtime binge watching our favorite shows. Absorbed by external stimulation, you miss out on the opportunity to connect with yourself, and before you know it, hours have gone by and you have to get back to work. Or your kids. Or dinner.

Before you get to your show, take a few minutes to just sit there and breathe. Use the screen as a canvas for visualization. Project your daydreams onto the tube, and sit with that for a few.

6. Block a half-hour of unplanned time in your planner.

Don’t plan to take a walk or meditate (although those aren’t bad ideas). Instead, plan to do whatever you end up doing. Get up, walk around, and see where that takes you. Maybe you’ll end up helping your neighbor wash his car, or playing jump rope with your niece. Nothing makes you feel present like spontaneity.

7. Write Parkinson’s Law somewhere you can see it often: “Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.”

Maybe you really need more than ten hours a day to get everything on your to-do list done. Or maybe you’re stretching your work to fill longer hours because society associates so many positive things with busyness. This saying reminds me to limit my work and still get it done so I can then focus on other things.

8. Notice the sights when you drive.

Have you ever watched a frantic driver bob in and out of traffic, passing and merging, only to find him right beside you at the red light? If road rage saves time, it’s generally not much, and it usually isn’t worth the stress it creates. Play some soothing music; notice license plates, bumper stickers, and the scenery; and allow yourself to enjoy this time.

9. Metaphorically toss your phone in the ocean for a half-hour every day.

I love the classic movie scene where the overworked protagonist tosses her phone into the ocean, or a fountain, or out the window and reclaims her sense of freedom. It’s not easy to disconnect from our always-on world, but the benefits of being unreachable make it worth the initial discomfort.

10. Say no.

Saying yes can open you up to new possibilities, but saying no can give you a chance for me-time: an hour when you don’t have to keep any commitments or please anyone else, or a half-hour when you can just kick back and do absolutely nothing.

—

Small changes throughout your day can slow down your pace without killing your productivity. Go ahead and keep getting things done. Just remember you don’t need to do it all in a panicked state of stress. If you find a more peaceful process, you’ll likely be both happier and more effective.

Photo by Nicholas A. Tonelli

February 15, 2010
4 Ways to Use Envy for Growth and Personal Gain
“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

I like to think of myself as a realist. I realize it sounds good to recommend fighting envy with gratitude. As in, “Don’t dwell on what you don’t have—just count your blessings!”

I recognize that this is a wise suggestion and that we’d all be happy if we could just focus of the abundance in front of us.

But I also realize this isn’t a complete solution.

We’re wired for look for two things in life:
- Solutions to problems—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally
- More—more meaning, more passion, more fun, more recognition; the list goes on and on
We progress as a society because we’re ever mindful of ways to improve how we function, communicate, and produce. This underlies almost everything we do, from interacting in personal relationships to initiating mergers within our companies.

We solve problems by identifying them. That usually means focusing on what’s lacking, and the most accessible way to do that is to observe other people. Or in simpler terms, shaping your own sense of lack based on someone else’s gain. (more…)
February 7, 2010
Forget Yourself

“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention, without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention. (more…)

January 26, 2010
8 Ways to Stay Present & Focused in a Tech-Driven World

“Be present. It is the only thing that matters.” ~Peaceful Warrior

Technology pervades our world. From cell phones and laptops to iPods and digital cameras, the average person owns an arsenal of gadgets that, in many ways, simplify life.

You can increase your productivity, connect with people quickly, and access information instantaneously—while documenting your every move via tweets and photos to upload to Twitpic or Facebook.

Which begs the question: At what point does technology stop enhancing life and start detracting from it?

When you feel tied to your phone and enslaved by your email, can you pull away, center, and take a tech-vacay outside the shadow of your laptop?

Does it stress you out to disconnect in an always-on world where everything moves at the speed of light?

And lastly, do the people in your life suspend their sense of urgency long enough to allow you a break?

The technology itself is not to blame; just like guns don’t cause violence, gadgets don’t obliterate our mindfulness. We’re in control of the tools we use. Still, it isn’t easy to stay present and focused in a world that’s always plugged in—and to every available outlet.

The possibility of mindfulness underlies almost everything we publish at Tiny Buddha in an attempt to harness technology for personal growth and wisdom. With this in mind, I couldn’t be more delighted to learn about the Wisdom 2.0 Conference, which will take place this month in Mountain View, California.

Soren Gordhamer, who wrote a book also called Wisdom 2.0, has secured some amazing speakers, who each have their own unique perspectives on wisdom in the tech age. Twitter, Facebook, and Google will all have a presence, not to mention Yoga Journal, Whole Foods, and a number of wellness-focused organizations.

While meeting with Soren last week to discuss the event and my possible involvement, I thought of some ideas to stay present in a world dominated by gadgets. Here’s what I came up with: (more…)

January 24, 2010
Look Longer

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for a minute?” ~Henry David Thoreau

You’re riding on the subway, immersed in a book. You’re running in the park, lost in your iPod. You’re waiting in line at Starbucks, fixated on the menu.

Sometimes we act like we’re completely alone, even when surrounded by lots of people. It’s like we’re following an unspoken rule that suggests we shouldn’t look at each other, at least not for too long.

It happens all the time…

You suddenly make eye contact with someone you don’t know and your discomfort compels you to avert your eyes. If you do manage a smile it’s probably perfunctory, without real joy and affection behind it. Those are emotions you reserve for people you know—people you’re more intimate with.

Some studies have indicated people who live in cities are less apt to make eye contact with strangers than people who live in suburbs. This may be a response to crowding; when you feel you don’t have enough personal space, you’re more protective of it.

If there’s truth to that hypothesis, it’s somewhat ironic. You move to a city to experience the life that pulsates through it, and then respond by shutting down in everyday situations.

Resist the urge to shutdown. Instead of walking with your eyes glued to your feet, hold your head high and connect with people. Really see them and let them see you. If you’re not a confident person, connecting for more than one second may feel incredibly difficult. Just try. (more…)

January 18, 2010
7 Ways to Get Past Tough Situations Quickly

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” -Charles Swindoll

One day everything seems great in your world—maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens.

You lose your job, or someone you love, or your home, or maybe even your health.

It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first, or if you want to do anything at all.

It would be easier to sit around feeling bad, looking for people to blame and complain to, rehashing what you could have done to make things happen differently. Or what you would have done if you only realized before. Or what other people should have done to help you.

All great options if you want to maximize your misery and feel justified in doing it. Not so great if what you want is to deal and move on.

You have to do this eventually when something bad happens, and the faster you do it, the sooner you’ll improve your situation.

There is no shortage of opportunities to practice dealing well. If you’d like to work on improving the 90% of life that is how you respond, you may find these tips helpful: (more…)

January 10, 2010
How to Let Go and Embrace an Uncertain Future

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

I used to love uncertainty. I wandered my way all around this country with little more than a suitcase and a journal. Committing to anything felt limiting, suffocating even.

One day I realized it wasn’t enlightenment that pushed me to embrace the unknown; it was a paralyzing fear of creating something certain. You can’t disappoint people when you don’t form relationships with them, and you can’t fail when you never start.

One day I decided to do the scariest things I could imagine: settle into one place, get a steady job, and start forming real relationships.

This lasted for a while until the economic meltdown rocked my world. Now I’m back in a place of uncertainty, like so many other people.

Almost everyone I know has had to make at least a few changes to their life because of the economy. People have lost their jobs, homes, and in some cases, their sense of identity.

It’s both terrifying and exciting to have a blank page in front of you. Sometimes we need reminders to see it as the latter.

Here’s how I’m learning to let go without losing what I felt I’ve gained these past few years: (more…)

January 8, 2010
Stop Doing

“The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.” ~Robert M. Persig

We live in a fast-paced, achievement-oriented society. At the end of a busy, to-do-list-focused day, we often find ourselves mentally and physically exhausted and uncertain whether we’re actually moving in the right direction in “the pursuit of happiness.”

Perhaps this explains our fascination with all things Zen. It’s become a buzzword in pop culture, branding products that have little to do with peace and enlightenment—and oftentimes, represent ideas that are diametrically opposed.

Zen Dharma Teacher Rev. Lynn “Jnana” Sipe takes an interesting look at Zen in titles in print publications, on all topics from automobiles to music. Some notable titles include: Engine Zen, The Zen of Contractor Relations, and Zen and the Art of Propane Safety.

Then there’s the vast world of products branded with Zen: tea, candles, rakes, fans, stones, books, eye masks, pillows, fountains, wind chimes, bath products, incense, oils, and home décor. All intended to soothe our harried minds. It’s ironic that their acquisition requires more doing and earning—and possibly more stress. (more…)

January 5, 2010
5 Pieces of Advice That Aren’t Cliches

“It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.” ~Aeschylus

Earlier this year I got some feedback from the ‘tween magazine I wrote for: “It sounds like good advice, but kids probably won’t do any of that.”

In my head it all sounded logical but I didn’t consider whether I’d have taken that advice as a kid. Or now, for that matter.

People do it all the time: look at a situation from a removed, non-emotional place and hurl suggestions that are far easier said than done. And sometimes, just plain unrealistic.

I’ve listed five of these hard-to-follow, cliché pieces of advice, along with alternative suggestions you may actually be inclined to take. (more…)

December 29, 2009
10 Tips to Balance Self-Interest & Sacrifice for a Wonderful Life

“It’s really important to be able to receive love and receive compassion. It is as important as being able to give it.” ~Pema Chodron

Yesterday morning two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain! It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying—and he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self-sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I, ever the eternal optimist, have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving—both to others and ourselves—that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey, ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own.

On some level it’s because I want to be kind, but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships.

According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment.

If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you, when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful.

We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do, but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself.

Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier, but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer that if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting, and giving and taking, and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio.

If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it fifty-fifty? Or seventy-thirty?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance.

Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan.

If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you—other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie.

You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving.

Everything you get from giving, the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships.

Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim, but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships.

If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this, either by asking for what you need when you need it or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving, the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs.

People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy.

You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you, but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?”

If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life—one in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

This makes now the perfect time to ask yourself: How can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me, but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Photo by mrlerone.

December 23, 2009
5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” ~William James

There’s this saying I used to love that doesn’t resonate with me anymore:

“Go big or go home.”

I understand the allure of doing big things.

Life seems more meaningful when you’re pursuing a passion that could feasibly improve life for masses of people; and at the end of the day, most of us want to create a legacy—something that lives on beyond our own ripple-in-the-ocean life spans.

I’m not arguing the benefits of going big if that’s what you want to do, especially since I have a few big plans of my own. But there are a couple of implications here I would like to debunk:

If you’re playing small, you’re not playing smart.

Wrong. Determine what makes you happy and gives you a sense of purpose, and then live it, whether that means finding a cure for cancer or finding your son’s favorite toy for the fifteenth time in a day.

Play by your own rules, no one else’s. (more…)

December 20, 2009
50 Ways to Show You Care Without Spending a Dime

“Friendship isn’t a big thing. It’s a million little things.” ~Unknown

This hasn’t been an extravagant holiday season for me. Like everyone and their mother, I lost a lot of income last year and I just don’t have the means to give expensive presents.

Yet I feel I’ve received a lot of gifts this year. Most notably, I’ve realized how many of the people in my life mean more to me than any of the things I’m trying to accomplish.

The friends and family members whose love and support far eclipse the achievement of any goals I set. The people who are my home, whether I can afford a pricey apartment or not.

I’ve come up with fifty ways to show them how much I care within my current means.

If you’re looking for a few meaningful gifts that don’t require a debit card, you may find these creative ideas helpful this season: (more…)

December 17, 2009
Start Late

“It is never too late. Even if you are going to die tomorrow, keep yourself straight and clear and be a happy human being today.” ~Lama Yeshe

There’s a common misconception that there comes a point when it’s too late to do things you want to do. Maybe one of these statements sounds familiar to you:

“I can’t become a designer. I’m far too old to change my career path.”

“I’ll never get married. It’s too late in the game for that.”

“I couldn’t possibly start yoga. That’s for people much younger than me.”

We choose arbitrary windows of time when we imagine we should have tried something and then believe it’s not possible once those days have past.

The saddest part of this way of thinking is that we’re generally right. Not because it can’t be done, but because we can only do what we believe we can.

If you don’t think it’s possible to begin a new profession, you won’t take a training course, send out resumes, or make the connections you need to succeed. (more…)

December 15, 2009
10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.” ~Unknown

We all face obstacles in pursuing our goals, whether they’re professional or personal.

We think we’re on the right track but realize we’ve chosen the wrong approach. We’re enthusiastic and hard-working, but our support system disintegrates when we need them the most. We’re just about to make significant progress when we run out of time or funding.

Tenacious as we may be, we all have our breaking points—that moment when the potential rewards stop justifying the effort. Usually, that’s the hump that separates your best shot and your best reality.

Before you throw in the towel and go back to something safe and far less taxing, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Why did you want to pursue this goal to begin with, and has anything changed?

You had a good reason for committing to this plan. Maybe you visualized a financially free future once you started this new business, or you realized you’d live longer and healthier if you lost forty pounds.

Odds are, you still want those things as much as you did before; you just stopped believing you could have them because your attempts have yet to yield results. Now you have to ask yourself: If you push through the discomfort, will it be worth it in the end?

2. Have you been operating with too much information?

With so much information at our fingertips on the good ole World Wide Web, it’s easy to overwhelm yourself with more knowledge than you can apply. You read e-books and blogs, participate in teleconferences and coaching sessions, and join user forums to talk about getting things done.

One of two things happen as a result: You spend more time planning to act than acting, or you devote minimal energy to multiple plans instead of committing to one solid approach. Instead of drowning in all the data, why not narrow it down and start again from a less overwhelming space?

3. Did you set a smart goal? SMART goals are:
- Specific—you know exactly what your world will look like when you achieve this goal.
- Measurable—you have a specific plan to mark your progress as you go.
- Attainable—you have the attitude and aptitude to make your goal reality.
- Realistic—you’re willing and able to do the required work.
- Time-bound—you’ve set a concrete timeframe for completion to create a sense of urgency.
If you didn’t set a SMART goal, you may have set yourself up for failure. How can you possibly make something happen if you don’t know exactly what you want, or didn’t really believe you could do it? Are you really willing to walk away when you didn’t give yourself every opportunity to succeed?

4. What’s the worst that will happen if you keep going and don’t reach your goal?

Often when I want to turn around it’s because I’m afraid of failing—afraid other people will be disappointed in me or judge me, or afraid I’ll have wasted my time. In all reality, no one ever judges us like we judge ourselves, and we always grow and learn through the process of striving, regardless of what we attain.

If you don’t keep going, you’ll never know how far you could have gone and you’ll miss out on being the person you’d become through the effort itself. If you do keep going, well, it’s like this quote: “Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.”

5. Are you afraid of succeeding?

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t like responsibility. There are many things I’d like to do, but I resist because I don’t want the power to impact, hurt, or disappoint other people. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have dreams. It’s just that I’m just scared of what achieving them will entail.

If you can relate to this feeling, perhaps you’ll respond well to the mantra I’ve been repeating: Great power comes with great responsibility, but it also brings great rewards. If you play it safe you won’t hurt or disappoint anyone, but you also won’t help or inspire anyone. And equally important, you won’t help or inspire yourself.

6. Are you acting on impulse or emotion instead of thinking things through?

Sometimes our emotions give us hints about what we want and what we should do, but other times they’re just responses to stress, and maybe even indications we’re on the right track. If you act in that moment of intense emotion—be it anger, fear, or frustration—you may regret it once the wave has passed.

So sit back. Take note of what you’re feeling. Feel it fully, without judging it or yourself. Then act when you’ve gotten to the other side. At least then you’ll know you made your decision in a moment of peace and clarity.

7. Would you enjoy giving a loved one the honest explanation for why you gave up?

And I mean honest.

Would you like telling your daughter, “I stopped trying to quit smoking because cigarettes are more important to me than having more golden years to spend with you?”

Would it be fun to tell your mother “I decided not to go to school because I’d rather spend all my time with my boyfriend of three months than prepare for a career that will ensure I won’t end up jobless and homeless?”

If you lay it out like this, odds are you’ll realize you had a really good reason for doing this difficult thing, and no matter how challenging the process is, it’s worth plowing ahead.

8. Would your life be better if you gave up on this goal?

This may not sound motivational, but sometimes giving up is actually good thing. Perhaps you set a completely unrealistic goal and the pursuit of it is filling you with a constant sense of inadequacy and anxiety. Or maybe the goal isn’t in your or your family’s best interest, and it’s better to get out before you invest so much time it’s near impossible to walk away.

You could easily use this as a justification to delude yourself, so think about it carefully. Is this goal really a good thing, when you weigh all the consequences of its fulfillment?

9. How much have you already put in?

A concept studied in social psychology called “the sunk cost principle” indicates the more we’ve invested in something, the less likely we are to prematurely walk away.

How invested are you? How much money and time have you devoted? How many sacrifices have you made? Are you really willing to chalk it all up as a loss because you’re not feeling confident in your abilities?

10. What would you tell someone else if they were in your shoes?

Would you tell your best friend to throw in the towel because she can’t possibly reach her goal? Or would you practice your finest motivational speech and help her see what you see in her potential? Unless you’re secretly a frenemy who hopes she fails in life, odds are you’d push her to be her best—so why not push yourself?

It may sound kind of cheesy, but you need to be your own best friend. You, more than anyone in this world, deserve your belief and motivation.

If you’ve gone through all these questions and still feel resolute about the decision to give up, you have my blessing to abandon your goal. (Bet you feel so relieved!)

If you don’t—if there’s some lingering doubt—keep working toward that dream that fills you with passion.

Take a different approach if you need to. Enlist new assistance. Scale back your time commitment to something you can more easily maintain. But whatever you do, don’t give yourself a reason to one day utter the words, “I quit because I was scared.”
December 14, 2009
Un-side for a While

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” ~Wayne Dyer

Research shows that rooting for a team, identifying with a group and enjoying the camaraderie you feel with other fans, can increase your sense of personal happiness.

While it’s satisfying to feel a sense of belonging, it can be dangerous to carry this us-against-them philosophy into other areas of your life. We do it all the time.

A man connects so deeply to his heritage that he puts up walls with people from different backgrounds.

Or a woman believes something with so much conviction that people who disagree become immediate adversaries.

In this way, we shut ourselves into little boxes of people and relate to everyone else as outsiders. The Dalai Lama says we don’t need to give up our sense of belonging to communities; we just have to recognize various levels—the highest connecting us by a fundamental human bond.

So, rather than relating to others based on what makes us different, we relate based on what characteristics we share.

If there’s one common theme on this site, and in Buddhism, in general, it’s that people aren’t all that different. We all want to feel good and purposeful. We all want to avoid feeling pain.

Ironically, it’s painful to see other people as sitting on the other side, believing or expecting the worst in them, holding up a guard, ever-ready for an attack. (more…)

December 10, 2009
Connect Without Complaining

“Instead of complaining the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.”~Proverb

Complaining can be a bonding experience.

You meet up with your friends after work and immediately start rehashing frustrations with your boss. You have dinner with your siblings and commiserate about confrontations with your black-sheep uncle. Or you release tension on a blind date by noticing the wait staff’s shortcomings.

Commiserating is a great way to immediately establish rapport. In that moment you feel connected—you both have grievances, problems, and wishes for a better world.

It’s even easier to do in a challenging economy, where anxiety is de rigueur. In one study of complaining in a group situation, subjects averaged fifty expressions of dissatisfaction per hour—close to one complaint per minute.

But, despite your initial bonding experience, complaining does more harm than good.

According to Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free World, complaining exacerbates individual and collective problems because our thoughts create our world. In focusing on everything that’s wrong, we create a world dominated by those ideas.

Stopping that cycle isn’t easy because you can’t dictate how other people will behave. If they continue to vent and you refuse to engage, your whole social dynamic will start to shift, right? Maybe not. (more…)

December 7, 2009
Choose to Lose

“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown

We all know someone who always needs to be right.

She turns everything into an argument worthy of a courtroom, complete with counter arguments and below-the-belt accusations. She finds holes in everything you say, even if you were actually agreeing with her. And in the end she needs the last word, even if means belittling you or ignoring your feelings.

Not everyone acts this righteous all the time, but we’ve likely all tried to win in an argument at least once before.

Maybe it’s the rush of feeling like the more powerful or intelligent person, or perhaps it’s just a stubborn resistance to bending. Whatever the case, we all play to win in conversations on occasion.

The irony here is that winning rarely feels as sweet as the fighter imagines it will. Research shows competitve people take less pleasure in their successes than their less combative counter parts because they’re rarely satisfied with their accomplishments, ever-ready to seek the next win. (more…)

November 30, 2009