Tiny Buddha

Author: Lori Deschene

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Committing and Achieving

    Tiny Wisdom: On Committing and Achieving

    “Continuous effort—not strength or intelligence—is the key to unlocking our potential.” -Winston Churchill

    If you’re anything like me, you probably noticed at some point in your life that you’re not the best at everything.

    Maybe it was when you were pushing yourself to accomplish something, or maybe you noticed someone else’s achievements and started making comparisons. However it looked in your experience, you probably recognized that there are people who are smarter, better educated, and more talented than you are.

    Maybe this slowed you down in pursuing the things that matter to you. If other smarter, more knowledgeable, more gifted people have tried and failed, why would you succeed?

    But that logic disregards the undeniable truth that we all have the same capacity to commit and persevere, regardless of our skills. We may all have different gifts, but we all have the same ability to believe in ourselves, apply ourselves, and impress ourselves by how much we can grow when we keep going.

    We all have the potential to improve, little by little over time, and, in doing so, create endless possibilities for what we can do and become.

    Of course this all depends on our ability to focus on our own progress without comparing it to someone else’s.

    Today if you feel unsure of what you bring to the table, remind yourself: Your job is to keep showing up. You can’t possibly be someone else’s best, but you can consistently redefine your own if you’re willing to stay in the game.

    Photo by magical-world

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Asking for Help

    Tiny Wisdom: On Asking for Help

    “It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” -Lena Horne

    We often think that admitting struggle is a sign of weakness, but we all struggle sometimes. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. We all need help sometimes. Acknowledging this is not a sign of weakness, but struggling alone is a choice to grow weak.

    We all need each other. No one is an island. The good news is that people really do care. Think about it. If someone you know was hurting, would you offer your support? If someone you know got into a tough situation, would you help them find a solution? You’d probably want them to come to you–to know that you care and they can trust and depend on you.

    Why not give them the opportunity to do the same for you? Why push yourself to your breaking point when there are people who’d be honored to help lighten your load?

    If you’re carrying more than you can handle today, choose to let some of it go by letting someone else in. You may feel vulnerable asking for help, but wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all learned to depend on each other?

    Photo by wonderlane

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest

    Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest

    “It pays to be honest, but it’s slow pay.” ~Proverb

    There are two types of rewards we can enjoy in this life: the kind that appear to come immediately, and the kind that we generally don’t realize are accumulating over time.

    When you say what people want to hear instead of speaking your mind, you  may receive their validation; but in the long run, it won’t be nearly as satisfying as knowing you’re a person who operates with integrity.

    When you lie about who you are to avoid the discomfort of being rejected, you may receive other people’s approval; but it won’t be nearly as gratifying as knowing people like you for you and earning your own self-respect.

    When you fail to acknowledge your needs to meet another person’s, you may feel good about being considerate; but it won’t be nearly as rewarding as taking care of yourself.

    Honesty can feel uncomfortable in the short-term. I’ve often struggled with being fully myself, asking for what I need, and saying no when people ask for things I don’t want to give. But everything good in my life has come from the decision to honor my own truth.

    We all have countless opportunities to do this from one day to the next. Today when you have a choice to be true to yourself or please someone else, ask yourself: Would you rather be honest and temporarily uncomfortable, or slowly convince yourself that what you want, need, and believe doesn’t matter?

    Photo by zeepack

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Prosperity

    Tiny Wisdom: On Prosperity

    “Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want.” -Geoffrey F. Abert

    No matter what you have, you can always identify something that is lacking. If you have a great relationship, you might ascertain that you’ve lost touch with a hobby you once loved. If you earn plenty of money, you can probably identify tons of people who earn more–and with less effort than you expel.

    It’s just not possible to feel like you have it all because you can’t possibly have everything at once. And no matter how much you gain, there will always be someone else who appears to have more.

    When you get caught up in the endless, aching cycle of wanting and comparing, nothing ever feels like enough–and as a result, nothing provides the joy you previously imagined it would. Every gain is a hollow satisfaction when you see it in the context of everything that’s left to be had.

    Perhaps the key to feeling prosperous is seeing what’s in front of you solely for what it is. It’s not always easy to do. When you have a moment with someone you love, you may drift into fantasies of an even greater adventure. When you have an hour off, it’s tempting to wish you had a whole day.

    But then those moments and hours fade away, and you’re left with the same choice in new moments and hours.

    Time eventually runs out. We can either appreciate and enjoy what’s in front of us, or stress about how inadequate it is, but we can’t ever do both at once. Which do you choose today?

    Photo by aaron.bihari

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest with Yourself

    Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest with Yourself

    “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” -Spencer Johnson

    Only you know if you’ve been lying to yourself. Other people may think they know what’s going on in your head and what’s right for you. But only you know what you need to do and whether or not you’re doing it.

    Only you know what you believe and whether or not you’re honoring it.

    Only you know what your values are and whether or not you’re upholding  them.

    Only you know if you’re projecting onto other people to avoid taking responsibility for your own life.

    And only you can decide to get brave, stop lying, and start being the person you know you want to be–in thoughts, words, and actions.

    Have you been lying to yourself–and is it time to start creating happiness in the way that only you can?

    Photo by harmonicagoldfish

  • How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

    How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

    “We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

    Recently I got into a hypothetical conversation with someone who very quickly turned hostile and accusatory. Let’s call her Jane. My first instinct was to get defensive, but then I realized this subject was quite raw for Jane, and there was likely something going on below the surface.

    Usually when people are combative seemingly without cause, there’s some underlying pain fueling it.

    As we got to the root of things, I learned that Jane was holding onto anger toward someone she once loved, and she felt a strong, driving need to convince people that this other person was wrong.

    Since she acknowledged that she’d been feeling depressed, lonely, and helpless, I felt obligated to at least try to help her see things from a different perspective. But that ultimately proved futile.

    She was committed to being angry and hurt, and all she wanted from me was validation that she was justified.

    I kept thinking back to how I felt at eighteen years old, reliving scenes of adolescent abuse that I refused to let go of well into my twenties. I spent years stewing in anger because I felt like a victim, and any threat to that comforting sense of righteousness only made me angrier.

    Remembering how badly and unnecessarily I hurt myself, it felt imperative that I help her let go. I wanted to help her get out of her own way. I wanted her to do what I had failed to do for far too long.

    Seeing that stubborn, bitter commitment to pain reminded me of how angry I was with myself when I realized I’d hurt myself far worse than anyone else—and how ashamed I felt when I realized I enjoyed being a victim, receiving pity, attention, and (what felt like) love.

    Suddenly I recognized that I wasn’t just trying to help Jane; I was also judging my former self. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Getting Un-stuck

    Tiny Wisdom: On Getting Un-stuck

    “What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.” -Buddha

    We all have goals–things we’d like to accomplish and ideas of who we’d like to become through the process. But sometimes we get so bogged down in fears and self-doubt that it’s hard to commit to the changes we want to create and then work toward them consistently.

    It’s not easy to do. When you’re faced with obstacles, you might get stuck. When you feel unmotivated or unsure, you might get stuck. When your goal seems too far out of reach, you might get stuck.

    And you can stay stuck if you want to. You can get sidetracked by other people’s opinions. You can talk yourself out of what you want, fearing failure or maybe even fearing success. You can limit yourself with stories of things that didn’t work out in the past.

    Or you can let go of everything that’s paralyzing you and decide that you’re not willing to let the now slip away and rob you of possibilities.

    Tomorrow has limitless potential if you’re willing to act today. It may even become something better than you knew to imagine, but it can only happen if you start and keep going.

    What tiny actions can you take today to contribute to that vision you want to create?

    Buddha nature

    This is an updated version of a post published on 9/14/2009. Photo by AlicePopkorn.

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Strangers

    Tiny Wisdom: On Strangers

    “Strangers are friends you have yet to meet.” -Unknown

    Since I live in LA and my family lives in Boston, I take long flights several times a year. During many of these flights, I read a book or watch a movie and disappear into my own little world of self-entertainment.

    When I was returning from a recent visit, I found myself looking around at all the different people who I would likely not talk to during the flight, and then never see again.

    We’d all share an experience together–and yet apart–and then move on with our lives, without making much of a discernible difference in each others’ worlds.

    After I drifted off to sleep, I dreamed that the plane crashed, but we all survived on an island, somewhat like on the show Lost. Suddenly, we weren’t strangers anymore. We were all people who needed each other–who, over time, started loving each other.

    Our sense of separateness disappeared as we realized our lives were easier when we worked together and looked out for each other.

    When I opened my eyes I saw everyone differently–as if we were all connected. Then I remembered that we are.

    It seems so trite to say that we are all brothers and sisters, but the truth is that we tend to form a lot of our closest relationships based mainly on proximity–meaning we could love entirely different people if we followed different paths.

    Today if you find yourself surrounded by strangers, feeling tempted to shut down, remember: These are all people with qualities that you could love. When we see each other in this way and then act on it, even brief encounters can make a meaningful difference.

    Photo by Akuppa

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Constant Change

    Tiny Wisdom: On Constant Change

    “When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.” -Benjamin Franklin

    A few years back, I reconnected with an old friend from high school. Years after we met, we both struggled with depression and dealt with messy, public recoveries.

    He said that seeing me was disheartening because I seemed like an after picture, whereas he felt like he had so much more work to do.

    While I recognized that I had come a long way, I knew he formed this conclusion partly because he wasn’t seeing a complete picture. He was seeing confidence and a smile within an isolated moment in time and assuming this was a static final destination.

    The truth was (and is) that I am not done changing and I will never be. None of us will. We will never feel like we have arrived and there is nothing left to learn, challenge, or change.

    In a world where transformation sells–and sells well–it’s easy to believe that there will be a point in time when everything gets good and stays that way, but happiness is not about arriving. It’s about accepting that the journey is endless, and that it is not only OK but beautiful to have more room to grow.

    Today if you’re feeling frustrated about a change you’ve been struggling to make, remind yourself: Happiness is not where you’re headed; it’s being good to yourself on the way there.

    Photo by chatzle

  • Tiny Wisdom: On the Joy of Mistakes

    Tiny Wisdom: On the Joy of Mistakes

    “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” -Einstein

    Sometimes it’s more effective to track your progress in mistakes than it is to track it with successes.

    There are days when I have tons of mini-victories, but they’re all things I have done before and knew I could do well. So while I may feel good about those accomplishments and they may propel me toward my goals, they have a minimal impact in terms of my long-term growth.

    There are other days when I do things I’ve never done before, struggle, and in the process identify areas when I can learn and improve. This can sometimes feel uncomfortable and frustrating, but ultimately it sets the stage for increased possibilities.

    You’ve probably been in both spots many times before. Some days you exceed doing things you know well, and other days you realize just how much you don’t yet know. That can be terrifying if you judge yourself with every mistake, as if it’s a reflection on your character or potential.

    What if your mistakes were a reflection on your character and potential–but instead a positive one? What if they suggested not that you’re someone who is failing, but rather that you’re someone who understands that short-term discomfort is crucial for long-term growth?

    Today if you feel limited by the fear of making a mistake, remind yourself: This is part of the process, and you will ultimately feel happier with yourself if you find the courage to stick with it.

    Photo by Eddie’s Currents

  • Giveaway and Interview: The Book of (Even More) Awesome

    Giveaway and Interview: The Book of (Even More) Awesome

    Update: The winners have been chosen! If you didn’t win, you can purchase a copy of The Book of (Even More) Awesome on Amazon.

    Last year, I posted a review of The Book of Awesome, by Neil Pasricha—a compilation of blog posts from his wildly popular website, 1000 Awesome Things.

    I was so inspired by his ability to recognize simple pleasures where I never even thought to look that I decided to follow suit with a post I titled 50 Peaceful Things.

    Neil’s blog has been one of my favorites since he first launched three years back, partly because it’s the exact opposite of the type of writing I often do.

    While I generally write a lot about all the messy things under the surface—our struggles, fears, and instincts—Neil has a gift for highlighting all the beautiful things we often don’t notice above it.

    From my original review:

    He doesn’t just appreciate all-you-can-eat buffets–he explains how to navigate them for maximum enjoyment. He doesn’t just acknowledge it’s cool when the parking meter still has time on it–he explains the different types of meter-feeding styles, and how awesome it is that they all exist.

    The result is an encyclopedia of joy, from observations to interpretations to experiences. Some moments are silly, some poignant, some nostalgic–but everything is familiar. The book is a brilliant reminder of everything that inspires a smile without treading into saccharine-sweet, Pollyanna territory.

    The Book of (Even More) Awesome picks up where the first book left off, and I’m pleased to offer two copies to Tiny Buddha readers. But first, a little from Neil: (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Seeing

    Tiny Wisdom: On Seeing

    “What we see is mainly what we look for.” -Unknown

    Whatever you believe about people and the world, you will likely find proof to support it.

    If you look for selfishness, you’ll find it. If you look for animosity you’ll find it. If you look for injustice, you’ll find it. If you’re invested in seeing the world this way, you can probably explain a lot of what you see with negative interpretations.

    Conversely, if you look for good intentions, you’ll find them. If you look for loving gestures, you’ll find them. If you look for possibilities, you’ll find them.

    Much of what we see is based on how we want to interpret things–whether we judge people or give them the benefit of the doubt; whether we play the victim or find opportunities in struggles.

    So the real question on any given day isn’t why you’re seeing what you’re seeing; it’s why you’re invested in that interpretation.

    Today if you find yourself clinging to a negative story about a person or situation, ask yourself: What’s the payoff in holding onto this interpretation? Does it make you feel right? Or justified? Or safe? And more importantly: How might you be able to improve your state of mind or situation if you chose to see things differently?

    Photo by Sigi K

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Simple Confidence

    Tiny Wisdom: On Simple Confidence

    “Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control.” -Richard Kline

    People often think confidence means knowing you can create the outcome you desire. To some extent it does, but this idea isn’t universally true for anyone. No matter how talented, smart, or capable you are, you cannot predict or control everything that happens in your life.

    Even confident people lose jobs, relationships, and even their health.

    Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world. When you take that weight off your shoulders and realize that sometimes the twists and turns have nothing to do with what you did or should have done, it’s easier to feel confident in what you bring to the table.

    Today if you feel insecure about something you’re working toward, pull your focus away from the outcome and back to your output. Focus on what you have to offer and how well you can use it. Do your homework, do the legwork, and then know you’re doing everything you possibly can.

    There’s a lot we can’t control in life, but we can know we’re doing our best with the things that are within our control.

    Photo by TimShoesUnited

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Creating Happiness

    Tiny Wisdom: On Creating Happiness

    “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

    I’d be happy if I had a boyfriend. I’d be happy if my boss promoted me. I’d be happy if I had a larger house. It’s not uncommon for people to make these assumptions–to believe happiness exists in some alternate reality where people and conditions are different.

    In a way that’s comforting. It absolves you of responsibility, and puts the blame neatly on other people’s shoulders. But it also gives them the power.

    You create your own happiness through the choices you make day to day. Not just the steps you take toward your dreams, but also the choice to enjoy where you are right now. The joy you get when you meet new people and learn from them. The passion you feel when you work on something you love. The peace you feel when you settle into a familiar routine with family.

    It’s all available to you now.

    What actions can you take today to create and tap into happiness?

    *This was originally published on 9/15/09. Photo by John_Brennan

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Conflict

    Tiny Wisdom: On Conflict

    “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” -Unknown

    There are some days when I want everything to stop.

    I want the calls to stop, the emails to stop, the requests to stop, the expectations to stop, the confrontations to stop, and the struggles to stop. Essentially, I want everything to feel quiet and easy.

    Then I realize that if everything stopped, life would be boring, uneventful, and static.

    If everything stopped, I wouldn’t have any opportunities to create, grow, learn from other people, or share what I’ve learned with them. Life would not be peaceful–life just wouldn’t be happening.

    What I really want on those chaotic days isn’t for the world to stop. I just want to stop seeing the world as a million fires I need to put out. I want to stop interpreting everything as a conflict or crisis. I want to stop living life in a constant state of reaction, and instead focus on the actions that matter to me.

    I suspect that’s what we all want: the ability to nurture a sense of peace that doesn’t crumble every time our circumstances get challenging.

    The truth is we can access that on any day we choose to. We just need to choose–and then keep choosing instead of responding with stress, fear, and angst.

    Today if your world seems less than peaceful, remind yourself: I can deal with whatever happens outside me. It starts by taking responsibility for what happens inside.

    Photo by mahalaie

  • Interview and Book Giveaway: And I Shall Have Some Peace There, Margaret Roach

    Interview and Book Giveaway: And I Shall Have Some Peace There, Margaret Roach

    Update: The winners have been chosen! If you didn’t win, you can purchase a copy of And I Shall Have Some Peace There: Trading in the Fast Lane for My Own Dirt Road on Amazon.

    I recently received a copy of Margaret Roach’sbook And I Shall Have Some Peace There.

    I was not previously familiar with Margaret’s wildly popular garden blog, A Way to Garden, but I was fascinated to learn about her transition from editorial director of Martha Stewart Omnimedia to full-time gardener at her country house in upstate New York.

    I know a lot of people who fantasize about giving up monetary success to create success on their own terms, so I was grateful to learn a little from Margaret’s experience.

    Though I am only about half-way through Margaret’s book—and really enjoying it!—I decided to ask her a few questions that may be helpful to anyone who is considering a major life change.

     

    1. When you decided to leave your job, did you feel you knew for certain that this was the right choice for you?

    Getting to a certain age helps with “certainty,” if there is such a thing in any action we ponder or take. Finally, when I approached my 50s, I knew that I would simply dry up and blow away if I didn’t bolt.

    And I knew that I was getting too old to pretend that forever and ever lies ahead; carpe diem.

    I don’t think I was certain at all what life here would be like. I don’t think we can really accurately forecast what lies across any threshold. But I knew that life back there—the urban static, the disconnection from outdoors and its creatures, the rhythm dictated by a back-to-back meetings and not my internal pulse—was too brutal.

    For all of my adult life, I felt as if I was the spirit of a hippie-chick back-to-the-lander trapped inside the body and skyscraper existence of a corporate executive. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Strength

    Tiny Wisdom: On Strength

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” -Unknown

    Sometimes admitting that something is over can feel like defeat. After all, we hear a lot of messages that tell us to never give up–to hold on and keep fighting at all costs.

    But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know when it’s time to move on.

    You’ll know when a relationship no longer serves you, and you’re just staying because you’re too scared to leave. You’ll know when a job no longer makes you happy, but you’re staying because you think it will be hard to find something else. You’ll know when a business idea didn’t work, and it’s time to cut your losses and start the next thing.

    Somewhere inside you, you always know.

    You just have to stop ignoring the symptoms of your awareness or discontent, and decide it’s time to let go–of the relationship, the friendship, the job, the hobby, the idea, the religion, and in some cases, the illusion of something that you never even had to begin with.

    Today if you’re unsure whether you should hold on or let go, create space and stillness and then ask yourself: If you were fully honest about your motivations and needs, and not letting your fear choose for you, which choice would you make?

    Now all you need is the strength to make it. So the real question is: Are you strong enough to choose for your happiness?

    Photo by zedmelody

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Getting

    Tiny Wisdom: On Getting

    “In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving.” -Sheldon Kopp

    Fear tells us to hold on for dear life or else something bad might happen.

    Fear tells us to cling to the people we love so that we will not lose them. Fear tells us not to share what we have or else we might not have enough. Fear tells us not to spend any money because we might need what we give up.

    Fear is the voice that says, “Don’t let go,” but it’s only when we release and free our arms that we’re ready to receive.

    It’s not because giving always equals getting–it’s because we generally don’t open ourselves to what might be when we’re cowering in fear, clutching onto what is.

    There is always going to be the possibility of loss in life. Some risks don’t pay off, and there’s no way to get around that. But the only way to get to the ones that do pay off is to decide the possibility is worth the risk.

    I haven’t always been trusting in love. I haven’t always been generous with what I have. I haven’t always been bold with my resources. But today I choose possibility over fear. Do you?

    Photo by harminder dhesi photography

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Enjoying the Light

    Tiny Wisdom: On Enjoying the Light

    “If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.” -Morris West

    Today I watched Finding Nemo, one of my absolute favorite Disney movies. When Dory and Marlin are searching for his lost son Nemo and it seems like they’re doomed to fail, Marlin says, “I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.”

    Dory responds, “Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise. You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.”

    As someone who has often worried about people I love, I find this incredibly insightful. The truth is we never can know for certain when a storm is coming. We can’t fully protect ourselves or the people we love from hardship.

    What we can do is choose not to cause ourselves pain by shutting down, fearing everything that might go wrong. When we hide from the worst that could possibly happen, we also close ourselves off from the best.

    Today if you’re feeling fearful about things that might go wrong tomorrow, come back to the present and recognize things that are going right today.

    There’s a lot of sunshine to enjoy in life, but we can only appreciate it if we’re willing to be firmly rooted in the here and now.

    Photo by Nieve44/La Luz

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Turning the Dark into Light

    Tiny Wisdom: On Turning the Dark into Light

    “We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.” -Helen Keller

    This is the kind of statement that I used to find incredibly annoying. I thought it was an overly simplified way of condoning a lot of the hurtful things other people had done. If someone suggested that a hardship was a gift, I assumed they were saying it because they couldn’t relate to my pain.

    Then I realized that my stubborn commitment to being right and bitter was causing me just as much pain as I felt other people caused. I was hurting myself by holding onto anger and refusing to see what I’d gained through my different trials and tribulations.

    When we consider that every event contains a gift–even the ones that seem negative–we suddenly have immense power in creating our state of mind and making a positive difference in the world.

    Everything that appears to be dark can become light if we recycle it into something useful. Everything can inspire us to learn, grow, and help other people.

    Today if you’re dealing with something you never would have asked for, ask yourself: What can I learn from this to improve life for me and others going forward? And equally important: What can I do with what I learned?

    Photo by harminder dhesi photography