“If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.” -Bob Basso
Yesterday as I was searching for fun videos to lift my spirits, I found “The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun.” It’s from 2010 and a little long, at just under 9 minutes long, but it’s chock-full of great reminders and bright colors.
Enjoy. =)
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” -Kimberly Howard
Yesterday I wrote about realizing that we don’t need to justify our feelings–but there is another side to that coin: we need to realize that having difficult feelings does not justify poor choices.
This is something I have often struggled with. Though I have made massive improvements through the years, when I feel overwhelmed by fear, grief, stress, or anything else that hurts, my instinct is often to numb it or do something with it.
Most times I consciously ignore that instinct and simply sit in the messiness of my emotions. My adolescence and twenties taught me that this is vital to my survival. But sometimes, when I feel especially powerless, I resist.
That’s what I did yesterday after a doctor gave me some bad news, that may, in fact, be far less scary than it seems. I resisted. And then I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend, where one margarita led to another, and ultimately magnified my emotions.
I made a bad choice, and then I felt bad about that and the surgery I may need to have.
I realized after apologizing to my boyfriend that I also needed to apologize to myself. I owed myself an apology for using the severity of my fear to justify an unhealthy choice; and also, for being hard on myself instead of learning from the experience and letting go.
That’s what a strong apology often does: it allows us to move on.
So today I apologize to myself with no excuses. I used poor judgment yesterday. It’s humbling to admit it, especially since I know people expect more from me. I expect more from me. I also know this isn’t the most flattering story to share.
But I am a work-in-progress. We all are. We can never change what we’ve already done, but we can continue to learn and grow if we’re willing to be honest with ourselves.
Today if you find yourself making excuses for a bad decision, remember: what’s done is done, but you can move on and forgive yourself if you take responsibility and learn.
Photo by kurisuuu
“What other people think of me is none of my business.” -Wayne Dyer
You’re visibly anxious before a performance evaluation, but you don’t want your coworker to think you’re neurotic—so you tell her about everything that’s riding on this promotion.
You feel subdued at a party, but you don’t want your new girlfriend to think you’re antisocial—so you tell her you have a lot on your mind.
You feel frazzled after a stressful day at work, but you don’t want your friend to think you’re a negative person—so you tell him it’s highly unlike you to let things get to you this way.
We often feel the need to justify our feelings, like everyone outside is watching and forming judgments. The truth is they often are. We all watch other people—it’s hard not to; they surround us. And we all judge other people on occasion—it’s often a reflection of how harshly we judge ourselves.
Knowing these things are inevitable, we’re left with two options:
Instead of pretending you feel fine—and explaining why it may seem otherwise—let yourself feel your emotions to so you can discover what you need to do to move past them. Instead of explaining why you don’t seem perfect, let yourself be human without apologies. We’re all imperfect; why hide it?
Sometimes it makes sense to explain yourself—when someone misunderstands, or when you hurt someone accidentally. But most often the only person who needs an explanation is you so you can ascertain, accept, and work through whatever is on your mind.
Today if you’re tempted to justify your emotions, remember: You can’t control what other people think. But if you can accept yourself in this moment, you may discover what you need to do to feel better–instead of just trying to look better.
Photo by wat suandok
“Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.” -Goethe
This weekend, I attended the Wanderlust Yoga & Music Festival where I gave a presentation on Saturday afternoon. That evening, my friend and I went to the Girl Talk concert. In case you’re not familiar, Girl Talk is a musician specializing in mash-ups.
Within five minutes of getting there, we folded ourselves into a crowded, rave-like environment, complete with frantic dancing, pushing, and claustrophobia-inducing chaos. Surrounded by smoke and free-spirited joy, I felt a deep sense of inner conflict.
I wanted to want to be there–to be the kind of person who gets so lost in the music and movement that personal space becomes unnecessary. But a larger part of me wanted to be somewhere removed, where I could still hear, but with full range of motion, pristine air, and less potential for beer-spilling on my flip-flops.
Essentially, I wanted to enjoy an experience that I plain and simply didn’t, and I neglected to vocalize this for at least an hour. Ironically, I had just read something about this in the book The Happiness Project, and yet I still felt like I should want to be there, because my friend seemed to enjoy it, and also because I didn’t want to somehow miss out.
Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you’ve tried to force yourself to like classic literature for a book club, despite preferring self-help books. Or maybe you’ve pushed yourself to go to happy hour with your friends, even though it means sacrificing time you’d rather spend on a passion.
The constant: you think that you should like something, and as a result, ignore your instincts when it comes to allocating your time.
We only get so many hours in a day. While there’s something to be said for trying new things and being social, we open ourselves up to far more happiness if we honor what we actually love and acknowledge the things we don’t.
Today if you feel tempted to say yes to something you don’t really want to do, ask yourself: What would I enjoy more? And what’s stopping me from doing that?
Photo by jeet_sen
“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” -Wayne Dyer
The other day, I reached out to someone I admire, and felt disappointed by the experience. I perceived her response to be somewhat curt and even condescending, which surprised me. Based on my earnest enthusiasm and admiration—and what I thought I knew about her—I expected more.
For a minute I thought, “She’s not who I thought she was at all.”
While this was clearly a lesson in releasing expectations, it also got me thinking about (what I call) the judgment/assumption principle: when we judge someone based on one impression, and then assume that’s how and who they are—always.
I suspect we do this more than we realize.
Maybe you see an interview with a public figure, and, based on the topics discussed, assume she’s a shallow person. Or you meet a friend of a friend when he’s having a difficult day and, based on his withdrawn demeanor, assume that he’s unfriendly.
It can be tempting to judge someone by an isolated moment in time, especially if it’s a first impression and a particularly negative one.
But none of us would want to be sized up that way. We are so much more than what we may convey in any one encounter—and sometimes, we have good intentions, but they get muddled in translation.
I know I haven’t always put my best foot forward; and I’m sure I’ve also said things and sent emails that could have been interpreted as curt, even though I meant well.
None of us should have to tolerate chronically rude or inconsiderate treatment; but we may be surprised by what we learn about people when we give them the benefit of the doubt.
Today if you’re tempted to form a snap judgment based on one interaction, remember: When you judge someone by one of their worst moments, you rob yourself of the opportunity to see and appreciate their best.
Photo by spencer341b
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -Dr. Seuss
The other night, I saw Jersey Boys, the play that chronicles Frankie Valli’s rise to fame with the band The Four Seasons. I wasn’t previously familiar with the group’s story, so I was even more enthralled by the journey that led them to international success–particularly because they had so many catchy songs that I’ve known and loved for years.
In the second act, there’s a scene when the other members all decide they want out, despite the years they struggled to reach that level of success. It’s a real “all is lost” moment for Valli, and it leaves him with debt and doubt about what might come next. The group had a number of hit songs and a promising future, and yet in an instant, it was over.
There’s a heart-wrenching moment when Valli asks his closest band mate, “Why does everyone leave?”
I know that moment. Maybe you do, too.
It’s when the other shoe drops: when something you loved and worked for comes to an inevitable end, as all things do. It’s tempting to cling to what was. After all, you put your heart into it, and if you move on, you can’t know for certain that you’ll experience that same magic again–whether it’s a job, a company, a project, or maybe even a relationship that’s run its course.
You can never know for certain what the future holds. But you can know if that you’re willing to let go, you can open yourself up to new possibilities that may fulfill you even more than you knew to imagine.
At 77 years old, Frankie Valli is a living legend who has now performed solo for decades. I’m sure in that moment, when everything fell apart, he had no idea how things would later come together. He may even have thought the music ended, but really, it was just beginning.
If you’re dealing with an ending, remember: It may have been the adventure of a lifetime, but there are many more to be had.
Photo by steve_steady64
“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer
I’ve read a lot of articles about achieving your dreams and creating the life you want. There is a common message that always creates a disconnect in me: Many otherwise empowering articles lose me when the authors suggest we should “tune out our haters.”
This seems to imply that there are people out there who want us to fail–who purposely act hateful with the intention of pulling us down.
I know the world is a lot simpler when we view things in black and white terms–good and bad; right and wrong; for us and against us. But labels can hurt us far more than they people to whom we assign them because they generally come from fear. Fear keeps us from seeing things as they really are. Very little is as it seems.
Some people may seem to be purposefully hurtful, but in all reality, they’re dealing with their own struggles and insecurities, and that translates as a lack of support. Some people may seem to be negative or judgmental, but in all likelihood, they’re simply trying to help you see things from a different perspective.
This doesn’t mean that people always have good intentions; it just means far fewer have poor intentions than we think.
It might be a lot quicker and simpler to put people into narrow little boxes. It certainly takes a lot less energy to assume certain people are on your side and certain people aren’t.
But we end up seeing people as enemies and allies instead of realizing we’re all on the same team. It is possible to tune out words that don’t serve us without labeling the people who speak them as bad and assuming they want us to fail.
This leaves us with a choice: We can shut other people, assuming they’re not on our side; or we can break down a wall by trying to see where they’re coming from, so that sides no longer exist. The world becomes a far more understanding and supportive place when we choose to be understanding and supportive.
Photo by igb
“If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.” -Maxwell Maltz
I’ve written a lot about letting other people in. As a recovering loner, this has been a huge issue in my life, but everything is about balance. As much as we need to nurture our relationships with other people, we need to nurture our relationships with ourselves.
It’s only when we’re fully comfortable being alone that we’re able to be comfortable with other people.
As a society, we tend to look at being alone as something sad and pitiable. Songs like “One is the Loneliest Number” and “All by Myself” make it sound horribly depressing to be without a plus-one, as if spending time alone means you’re waiting by the phone for someone to call or care.
Maybe it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it can be a choice to recharge your batteries, or work on your passions, or discover new insights. Maybe being alone doesn’t have to be the consequence of having no plans, but rather a plan to enjoy your own company.
Roughly a year ago, poet/singer/songwriter Tanya Davis made a beautiful video called “How to Be Alone.” If you’re not one of the 3.3 million people who’ve seen it on YouTube, now is a perfect opportunity to sit in solitude and watch:
“Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.” -Henry David Thoreau
An old friend of mine used to say she hated when people pushed their causes on her. She saw this as pestering and judgment–that she somehow wasn’t good enough because she ate meat, or didn’t help preserve endangered species, or didn’t send money to starving children in third-world countries.
She later told me that she felt disconnected from it all because she hadn’t found something that really moved her personally. Whenever someone told her about a fundraiser, she realized that she didn’t have an intrinsic motivation to offer her support, other than wanting to look good.
She wanted to make a positive difference in the world, but she felt so overwhelmed by the things that mattered to everyone else that she had a hard time identifying what mattered to her.
It made a lot of sense to me. While there’s something to be said for selfless giving, we’re more apt to make a consistent positive difference, whether through charity or work, if we discover what moves us and then let that lead the way. Then it’s not just about supporting a cause–it’s about having a cause to do it.
We all need to stand for something. We need to understand how we fit into the larger picture and how we can leave the world a better place than we found it. We need to feel that we can make a difference–that there’s something we can create, change, or improve to help other people.
Studies show that a sense of purpose is one of the strongest indicators of happiness. It’s not only beneficial to others; it’s also essential to our well-being that we find a way to give back. But we need to find it for ourselves–not because we should, or we want to look good, but because we genuinely care.
For me that cause is helping people let go of their pain. It matters to me deeply because I know firsthand how life can pass by when you hold onto the past. What do you stand for–and why?
Photo by bencrowe
“An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.” -Proverb
Have you ever had a lengthy conversation with someone without acknowledging a single thing you were really thinking or feeling?
Maybe someone asked, “How are you?” And, instinctively, you said, “Fine.” Or someone asked, “What’s new?” And your knee-jerk response was, “Not much.” Or someone asked your opinion, and you glossed over what you really think to avoid making waves.
I suspect we do this because we don’t want to burden people with what’s really on our minds, open ourselves up to judgment, or somehow upset them.
The end result is polite disconnection. We keep things simple, courteous, and completely devoid of truth. It’s a choice to be alone together–sharing space, but little else; connecting without really engaging.
We rob people of the opportunity to be there for us when we don’t share what we actually think and feel. We also send a message that we’re not the type of friends who will really be there for them.
It can be scary to speak what’s really on your mind, particularly if you need some guidance and feel vulnerable admitting that you don’t have everything figured out. The truth is, no one does. Sometimes we all need to lean on each other–and that only works if we’re all willing to be honest.
A few days ago, a very kind Tiny Buddha reader offered to coach me on the phone to work through my public speaking nerves. She asked some probing questions, as coaches often do, and I answered candidly, forming some strong insights that I know will help me going forward.
At the end of the call, I felt like I’d made a new friend, and it happened really simply: She was honest with me, I was honest with her, and we met each other as equals, each with our own strengths and weaknesses.
We’re all equals. We’re all struggling with something. We’re all working to let of something. We’re all working to embrace something else. The world would be a far less lonely place if we could remember this and just be honest.
Photo by Big Mind Zen Center
“Patience is passion tamed.” -Lyman Abbott
Running a site about wisdom can be an exercise in massive irony when you don’t feel like applying what you’ve learned. For me, this is most relevant when it comes to patience.
For the past three months, I’ve been planning a new feature for this site, and I’ve devoted a lot of my time, energy, and resources to creating it.
Since I am not a designer or coder, much of this has little to do with me. It’s simply a matter of paying people, communicating my vision, offering feedback as they work on it, and then waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
Yesterday, after I sent a follow-up email to see where everything is in the process, I found myself complaining internally that this should be finished by now, and dwelling on this frustration. This was roughly an hour after I completed a mini-interview that asked the question, “How do you get through most days without complaining?”
Faced with this obvious irony, I realized I was creating a sense of internal urgency and justifying it because this project has taken longer than I anticipated. Whether or not I expected this would be finished sooner, I was solely responsible for my feelings. And my feelings weren’t creating or leading to anything positive.
The reality is there is no reason to rush. It’s just that feeling out of control triggers impatience in me, and if I’m not self-aware, it can spiral into anxiety.
We all have triggers for impatience. It will likely feel far more overwhelming when the thing you’re waiting for is something that really matters to you. Waiting may feel like procrastinating, or stalling, or losing a sense of momentum. That’s often how it feels for me.
Sometimes those things may be true, but it never serves us well to dwell on them. All we can do is do what we can, and then refocus our energy where it’s most beneficial.
Today if you feel impatient with someone or something you’re waiting on, ask yourself: How can I let go of these anxious feelings and use my time positively and productively?
Photo by Wonderlane
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” -Charles Swindoll
“I can’t wait to leave LA. Seriously, we should consider moving within a year.”
I said this to my boyfriend as we were sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic a few streets away from our apartment, anticipating at least 10 more minutes of chaos. All around us, drivers were weaving in and out of lanes, honking at each other, and, in some cases, hurling swears at each other. Despite just meditating, I felt agitated.
Since we moved here just recently so my boyfriend can pursue film, moving isn’t the smartest option. And truthfully, I don’t want to move. I said it because I felt stuck, and in that moment, professing my desire to leave felt like a proactive alternative to simply sitting with that out-of-control feeling.
Suddenly I realized that this was good practice, because I will feel out of control in far more troubling situations many times in my life. We all will.
We may have to wait to find out if we’ll lose our homes, or our jobs, or our health, or people we love. Or we may lose those things and wonder how we can go on, knowing we’re not sure how things will turn out. We may have to watch people we love struggling, knowing we have no clue how to help, or if we even can.
It’s inevitable that we’ll feel out of control in life, over and over again. The good news is that we can always control how we respond to our circumstances, and we can practice this skill a little every day if we’re willing to breathe through uncomfortable feelings.
Today if you find yourself scrambling for control–over your time, your circumstances, or the outcome of your efforts–take a deep breath. Then remember: It’s far more productive to learn through this moment than it is to resist it.
*Email subscribers: This was the post from Thursday, but due to an error on my part, it didn’t make it into the email. Photo by fakelvis
“If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” -Julia Soul
If you think you may have made mistakes, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re doing things even though you’re not perfect at them, which is the only way to learn and grow.
If you think you may have looked stupid, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re letting yourself be vulnerable, which is the only way to fully experience something new.
If you think you may have said the wrong thing, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re talking to people you don’t feel completely comfortable around, which opens you up to new relationships and possibilities.
If you think you may have failed, you are probably on the right track. That means you put yourself out there, instead of waiting for the perfect time, which doesn’t actually exist.
If you think you may have blown your one opportunity, you are probably wrong.
This is what keeps us from taking risks: the fear that we may somehow suffer for trying and doing poorly. Not just that we’ll experience uncomfortable feelings, but that we’ll ruin our only chance.
We’ll have countless chances in our lives, if we’re willing to take them. We’ll have limitless possibilities to seize, if we remember all those uncomfortable feelings are worth the possible rewards.
Today if you find you feel scared, embarrassed, hurt, or vulnerable, remember: feelings eventually fade, but what you create in spite of them can change your life forever.
Buddha image via Shutterstock
“Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise.” -Horace
Have you ever heard the phrase “Feel the fear and do it anyway”? The first time I heard this, I immediately thought, “How?” How exactly do you push yourself to do something when everything in your body tells you not to do it?
If I practiced blind allegiance to corporate slogans, I might tell myself to “just do it.” But I’ve noticed that this is not sufficient for me. What helps me is to understand and chip away at the mental barriers in my way.
It’s only when we break down those barriers that we’re able to learn and grow. Otherwise, we’re merely pushing through resistance, instead of reprogramming when, what, and how we resist.
The big one that comes to mind, for me, is public speaking. The other day I seriously considered canceling a commitment for September because my resistance is almost palpable. Though I did some speaking in my early 20s, I have grown less comfortable in the spotlight.
I realized there is one main cause: When I write, I feel like I’m sharing myself, as part of a community of people all doing the same thing. When I stand in front of a room, I feel like I’m lecturing people, as opposed to making them part of the conversation. It feels more like performing than engaging. And I don’t want to perform. I want to really connect.
Now that I’ve recognized that massive main barrier, I don’t need to merely push through the fear–I can reframe the thoughts that create it, and in that way, somewhat assuage it. I can decide that speaking isn’t performing, but rather starting a conversation, and one that might be even more powerful since it allows for face-to-fact interaction.
The truth is that I am still scared, but I now have some fuel to push through it, and that’s a lot more helpful than merely telling myself to do it. Now it’s not about will; it’s about motivation.
Today if you find yourself struggling to do something you know you want to do, ask yourself: What am I really afraid of? And how can I reframe the situation to emphasize the rewards of acting regardless?
Photo by rapidacid
“Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have.” -Doris Mortman
When I was a little girl, before I learned to question myself or my abilities, I decided that one day I would have it all.
I imagined I’d be a famous actress, I’d marry the man of my dreams, and we’d have and adopt lots of children that we’d take around the world, à la Brad and Angelina.
As I got older and allowed my failures to chisel away at my self-confidence, I slowly stopped believing I could have anything I wanted, let alone “it all.” As my self-worth decreased, my drive increased to compensate.
It was a horrible catch 22. I strove for greatness because I felt so inadequate, yet because I didn’t believe in myself, it was nearly impossible to accomplish anything. If I did achieve something, it felt wholly unsatisfying because I was too busy dreaming of “it all” to appreciate and enjoy its parts.
There are still days when I catch myself running like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to mold reality into a fantasy. That’s when I remember what that starry-eyed little girl hadn’t yet learned: I don’t want it all. I want to believe that I already possess all that I need to be happy.
I do. We all do.
We just forget sometimes, when we get so wrapped up in what we want that we forget to give ourselves what we need, both for our minds and bodies.
Happiness and self-love are moment-to-moment choices. There will inevitably be times when we don’t make them. The beautiful thing is that every moment is a new opportunity to choose again. Every moment is a chance to apply what we’ve learned.
Maybe not all of it all at once. Maybe that’s okay. We don’t need to have it all. We don’t need to do it all. We don’t need to be it all. We just need to have the courage to do what we can, and be happy with that.
Photo by Chez Casver
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” -Miguel Ruiz
Years back, in a group therapy circle, I met a man who provided an interesting definition for paranoia: It’s when you’re sitting in the bleachers at a football game, watching the players in a huddle, convinced they’re talking about you.
While I’ve never suspected professional athletes were secretly laughing at me between plays, I have taken responsibility for a lot of things that likely had nothing to do with me.
Just recently, I emailed a friend of mine from back home, only to question myself when days went by and she didn’t respond. I wondered if I’d somehow written the wrong thing. Or if there was something offensive I’d done previously that I completely forgot about.
I created all types of needless drama in my head about her opinion of me, when in all reality, it’s highly unlikely her slow response time had anything to do with me. People get busy, and most of us have way too many online accounts to check on a given day.
Even if her actions did have something to do with me, it was pointless speculate about it. She’d either tell me what was bothering her, or she wouldn’t–and if she didn’t, it was on her, not me.
I don’t know if it’s possible to be immune to other people’s opinions and actions. Because we value our relationships, we care about what those people think. But there is a difference between respecting what people think and worrying ceaselessly about what they think of us.
As a recovering people-pleaser, I often need to remind myself that what really matters is what I think of me–and that I’ll think far more of me if I resist the urge to create stories about other people’s actions.
Today if you start reading into something another person has done and stressing about his opinion of you, remember: There’s a distinct possibility it’s not about you. Until you know, it’s pointless to worry about it.
Photo by hildgrim
“Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.” -Jim Rohn
We all get busy. We have responsibilities to meet. We have coworkers and superiors expecting things from us. We have ambitions and goals, things we want to improve in ourselves and our lives. I suspect that underneath it all, what we really want is to make a difference for other people.
And yet, ironically, in that pursuit, we often fail to make a difference for the people we know and love.
My mother gets out of work every day between 6:00 and 7:00, which is between 3:00 and 4:00 my time. She often calls me on her way home to catch up, something I value since she lives so far away. And yet there have been times when I’ve engaged in conversation with her while answering emails, Skype chatting, and toggling numerous screens on my computer.
Even though I work for myself and have absolutely no reason to multi-task that call, I do it sometimes because I feel so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I don’t want to stop.
I have realized, however, that this not only creates a disconnection between us, it also undermines the other things I’m juggling. It’s essentially a message that says, “No one and nothing else is important as my need to be optimally productive.”
This means that it also compromises my integrity, since I say that I value my relationships and my projects.
In our gadget-dominated world, full attention is a rare gift, and not just for the person who receives it. It’s also a gift to us. It allows us to let go of everything that’s flashing in our brains, like one too many instant messages, and fully immerse ourselves in the simplicity of a moment.
It allows to connect, create, and collaborate with focused intention, without distractions. It’s a choice to honor and fully appreciate what’s right in front of us.
Today if you find yourself only half-listening or half-focusing, remember: Your attention is your most valuable gift, for other people and yourself.
Photo here
“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” -Pema Chodron
Most people have areas where they’re willing to accept new information and others where they just won’t budge.
An overweight friend of mine used to believe she needed a relationship to be happy, but that no one could love someone her size. She also believed she was too mentally weak to stick to a diet. The sum of her beliefs: She was stuck in a situation she couldn’t change, and, therefore, would always be alone–and as a consequence, unhappy.
Because she believed all those things were facts, she never tried to make any of the positive changes she really wanted. She just accepted that they weren’t possible.
I suspect we do this to ourselves all the time. I know I have. For a long time, I believed that I needed to hide my flaws or people wouldn’t respect me. As a result, I failed to give anyone the chance–and in the process, made it really difficult to respect myself.
Our beliefs can often limit us, sometimes in small ways, and other times on a much larger scale. Religious beliefs have vastly limited our ability to connect with, hear, and learn from others who happen to see things differently. They’ve even led us to harm them.
Oftentimes, we’d rather cling to what we think is right and cut off 95% of the possibilities available to us than admit we could be wrong. We could always be wrong.
Very little in life is immutable, least of all your limiting beliefs about who you are and what you can become.
Today when you come up against a belief that limits you or the people around you, ask yourself: What possibilities would I open up if I accepted that this might not be true?
This is an updated version of a post from September, 2009. Photo by The Fayj.
“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” -Joan Borysenko
The other day, as I approached the street I needed to cross to visit the Coffee Bean near my apartment, I noticed there were only 5 seconds left on the walk signal. Instinctively, I ran. With a laptop. And a purse. In the heat. And why?
If I missed the walk signal, there would be another one in a little over a minute. The president wasn’t waiting on me with lattes getting cold. And there wasn’t a baby in the middle of the road who needed rescuing. It was like some type of Pavlovian response to the ticking countdown. I saw it, and I decided to accept the challenge of making it (which I did).
Ridiculous though this admission may be, I noticed that lots of us struggle to beat the clock when it’s completely unnecessary.
We speed up to make green lights, even though it would be far less stressful to just wait for the next one.
We try to squeeze additional tasks into small unexpected windows of time, instead of simply appreciating the extra ten minutes that result when someone is late to a meeting.
We set ourselves up to struggle with time even though there’s no rational reason to do it. It’s far more useful to save the energy it takes to rush than it is to save two minutes. It’s much more productive to recharge during unexpected downtime than to scurry to get things done.
It’s just that sometimes we forget that saving time and filling it are not the same as using it well.
Today if you find yourself rushing and cramming activities into your minutes, remember: It’s a lot easier to live in the moment when you choose not to make the moment stressful.
Photo by Lara604
“Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.” ~Unknown
The other day, a friend told me how his previous relationship fell apart. His girlfriend failed to disclose a major resentment based on a misconception, and instead initiated a series of arguments over little things until their relationship eventually collapsed under the weight of all that confrontation.
I explained how I practice radical honesty with my boyfriend. Essentially, I disclose everything I think and feel about him that I have trouble resolving in my head, knowing full well most of it has more to do with me.
There are times when I feel annoyed with him, but later discover I was actually angry with myself. There are times I get frustrated with him when there’s nothing he’s done–I’ve just had a difficult day. And there are other times when I doubt him, but soon realize I misinterpreted what he did or said.
A lot of people swallow these passing thoughts and judgments, or push them down to avoid making unnecessary waves. But I’ve found this can eventually lead to a tsunami of emotion when you finally crack and unleash all these unspoken grievances. They become a list of reasons to justify the distance you’ve been creating.
The alternative is to acknowledge what you’re feeling, knowing full well it may have more to do with you than him or her, and in doing so maintain intimacy and trust.
It’s really about being honest with yourself. It’s about recognizing that your mind can play tricks on you sometimes. It’s about realizing that you can be far more rational when you look at your emotions objectively. There may be times when it isn’t all on you–in those situations especially, it’s best to communicate what’s on your mind.
The truth may not always feel polite. It might make you feel vulnerable. It might feel ridiculous to express–which is precisely why it’s so powerful do to it. The best way to free yourself from resentment is to work through it and let it go.
Photo by mhaller1979